Relationship - The Therapeutic Process

Common Communication Mistake

2009-11-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply. Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening-that is his folly and his shame." The New English Bible puts it this way, "To answer a question before you have heard it out is both stupid and insulting." SOUL MATES LISTEN WITH THE INTENT TO UNDERSTAND.
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Another Frog to Prince Winner

2009-11-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

Another winner of the Frog to Prince contest, Caroline from North Dakota, wrote: "I caught my man doing something right. Since being laid off work, my husband has picked up the task of house cleaning and caring for our three-year-old daughter. However, when he cleaned the kitchen he wouldn't wipe down the counters and stove nor sweep the floor. When I carefully brought it to his attention, he became upset. I let it go. A day or so later I came in from work and the dishwasher was loaded and the counters were wiped off.
The floor still had not been swept but I acted as though I didn't notice. I gave him a huge bear hug and kissed him deeply and thanked him for his hard work in the house that day. He stated that if washing a few dishes would get him that much attention what would cleaning the toilet get him. We laughed."

Notice what your children, spouse, or employee do right. Let them know you appreciate it, and you will get more, enjoy more, and feel better.

"Toad to Prince" Contest Winner

2009-10-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

Experiences of women who took the "Toad to Prince" challenge by Dr. Noelle Nelson, author of "Your Man is Wonderful" are good soul mate tips. Today, with permission, I am sharing what first place winner Kelli from Alabama wrote:

"My main focus was to praise and appreciate my mate, and notice all the good things he does. On the first day, I met him when he drove in from work. I said the most ridiculous thing, 'You sure are good at parking that truck. I don't think you've ever driven on our grass.' I expected him to laugh and give me that 'you-gotta-be-kidding,' look. Instead, he beamed with pride. Later, we were putting away laundry and I looked at the stack of towels, all lop-sided and mismatched, that he had just put away. I said to him, 'Thanks for folding those towels so nicely. That was a big help! It was unlike me to say that; it even felt awkward just speaking those words. Again, expecting a sarcastic remark in return, I got a kiss and 'you're welcome, honey.'...OMG! Sweet! This (contest) has been the most eye-opening experience. I started out believing I was going to change this man's behavior. Instead, I learned that it was my changing behavior making the difference.

Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi Became Soul Mates

2009-10-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

Patrick was 19 and Lisa was 15 when they met as dance students. They married in 1975. When talking to People Magazine about the secret to their long-term marriage, Patrick said, "You gotta keep the friendship alive, gotta keep interested, gotta keep remembering it's not about you, but it';s about us."

In their book, "The Time of My Life," Lisa writes, "Writing this book gave us the opportunity to explore the journey of our lives. Finding our story both illuminating and unexpected, we ultimately find within it a strength, richness and deep love that will, and has, always endured."

And in the book from Patrick, "there's my relationship with Lisa. I can't even begin to express what she has meant to me over the years....I can no more imagine life without her than I can imagine living without my own heart."

PARICK AND LISA HAVE LIVED WHAT IT MEANS TO BECOME SOUL MATES.

Who Is First in Your Life?

2009-10-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

Who comes first in your mind and thoughts? Hopefully, your partner has the top spot. Do somethig nice for him/her every day. Stay interested in what he/she does or says. Worry more about whether you are being a good partner than whether your partner is being a good mate to you.

Be more patient and kind to the person who means the most to you. Stay open to listening. Try not to judge. Be open to learning more about why you each behave and believe the way you do. Accept your partner. Don't try to change him/her. Then enjoy each other every day.

Relationship Is Like A New Bank Account

2009-10-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

In a relationship you start out at zero. What you put into the relationship is what you probably will get out of it. If you put nothing in or get nothing in return it is like investing in a bank that has gone bankrupt. That kind of relationship is a loser.

The quality of the relationship is based on the same principle. The better you are to your partner, the happier he/she will be and that means he/she will more likely be warm and thoughtful to you. Usually you get what you give. If that doesn't happen there is something wrong with that relationship.

Brenda Novak Offers Tips on Love

2009-09-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

The Sacramento Bee recently asked Brenda Novak, romance writer, for some ideas on how to make love last. She gave eleven suggestions. Number one: "Avoid negative thought patterns." Some men and women get attention and strokes by being victim. These men will joke in negative ways about their partners with their friends. They talk about their partner's "bitching" about everything. Women complain to friends about always having to plan things to do or that their partner doesn't do his share. She always has to do everything.

It is difficult to live with a negative partner. It is hard enough for anyone to practice focusing on what is going right, but when you live with someone focused on what is wrong it makes it even more difficult. So take Brenda's number one suggestion seriously.

Sheraton Hotel at Kona

2009-09-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

The Sheraton Hotel at the Keauhou Bay is within walking distance of our timeshare. It is a magnificent hotel right on the water with a huge open-air lounge where we can sit and feel the sea breeze, hear the breakers beat against the shore, and watch boats of all descriptions go by. Everett and I spend time here, reading, writing, talking and recording it all in our memories to take home with us.

On troublesome days or times of stress we will come back to this place in our minds. We will hear the waves, feel the sea breeze, and connect again in our love for each other. It is a treasure that can be accesed when the ocean is far away and life is not so carefree.
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Perfect Brides from Japan

2009-09-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

At the Bamboo Restaurant in Hawii at the north tip of the Big Island an old picture of sixteen Japanese women lined up in two rows graced the wall at the head of our table. Under the picture was a plaque explaining how the women at ages 16 and 17 volunteered to come to Hawaii to marry the pineapple and sugar cane workmen. It described them as very brave.

It made me wish I could talk to them now to find out how those marriages turned out. I wonder if any of the couples became soul mates. Only one of them had a happy smiling face.

What do you think? I would be interested in seeing your comment.

Hawaii--A Place of Romantic Enchantment

2009-09-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

If you want to "fall in love" bring your partner to Hawaii. We have just returned from the Kona Coast relaxed and more "in love" than ever. We atttended a group meeting where we were identified as the longest married couple. The speaker asked Everett to tell the newlyweds in the group how to have a long marriage. He said, "Accept criticism and don't be angry." I was horrified. I tell couples,
"criticism is never useful and feelings are important." Apparently, what I thought I was doing and how I was doing were far apart.

Later, Everett told me, "I hate being asked questions like that. It is too hard to think on my feet. What I meant to say was, don't be defensive and learn to manage anger." Either way I think every couple struggles with learning not to blame and not to be defensive. When you have learned those two things, you will be able to talk about anything with each other. It is a lot easier to do that in Hawaii!

Time for a Soul Mate Check-Up

2009-08-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

On a scale of one to ten where do you fall today in soul mate behavior? How about hello's and good-by's? Time spent talking, hugging, kissing, cuddling? What is he/she wearing? Did you notice? Have you been bitchy or understanding? Negative or positive? Critical or encouraging? Have you found something to enjoy? How often have you laughed? Have you done something for yourself?

We all need a check-up once in awhile. Today is all you've got. Treasure each moment. If you are with the one you love, today is a good day. Thank God for it.

Jillian Harris And Ed Swiderski Reality Show Lovers

2009-08-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

"It's such a contradiction to have something so normal come from something so manic", Harris is quoted as saying in People magazine. She is talking about her relationship with Ed Swiderski. I think this is no more "normal" than the $60,000 custom designed platinum and diamond Neil Lane ring Ed gave Jillian.

What do viewers of "Bachelorette" think about all of this? Do you believe the show proves that soul mates are out there waiting to be found? What are the odds that relationships created on television will lead to lifelong soul mates?

Jon and Kate Gosselin

2009-08-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am sure you knew that it was inevitable that I would comment on this couple. Another highly visible celebrity couple blow up their marriage. The couple are taking eight small children, Mady and Cara, 8, Aaden, Alexis, Collin, Hannah, Leah, and Joel, through the pain of divorce. They join thousands of children from "broken families."

Studies show that divorce is hard on children. The younger the child the harder it is. That is because young children cannot think abstractly until they are about 7 years old. They believe that if they were more acceptable and good, their Mommy or Daddy would not leave.

You can prevent this from happening by beginning to learn how to do relationship before you have children. Having children brings big change. It is a challenge to learn how to keep intimacy intact after children arrive.

Soccer's David and Victoria Beckham

2009-08-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

David believes that the secret to making any marriage work is to have fun together. "Your kids have to come first, but you have to also spend time together as a couple," he says in People Magazine. David and Victoria celebrated their 10th anniversary in Seychelles, France. They had romantic meals and sat out until 5 in the morning every night talking and enjoying each other.

IF YOU WANT TO BECOME SOUL MATES, YOU MUST MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER!

"Marie Avinov"--An Amazing Love Story

2009-08-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

When we were at Sea Ranch I read a powerful book, "Marie Avinov" by Paul Chavchavdze. This amazing love story shows how a strong woman survived miraculously
one of the bloodiest and most chaotic periods in world history. It is a true story. It is the kind of story that will impact your life and thinking.

LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet

2009-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Rimes and Sheremet married when Rimes was 19 and Sheremet was 21. Seven years later they have separated. People Magazine once quoted Rimes as saying that marriage "is finding the one you're friends with and love, flaws and everything."
There is truth in that, but marriage also includes commitment and a willingness to work through the hard times.

Some celebrities learn to be soul mates, but it must be very difficult. It takes determination, a willingness to be faithful, and some kind of defense against the fame that follows them. Rimes and Sheremet had a lot going for them, but they may never experience the joy of being soul mates. That is a big loss.

Sea Ranch--Where Romance Blooms

2009-07-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

We have just returned from our favorite get-away place-Sea Ranch. Everyone of the 22 rooms at the lodge looks out at the ocean and acres of natural landscape. A ten mile trail follows the ocean north to the seaside town of Gualala. A solarium and dining room provide views up and down the coast. No television interferes with the peaceful solitude.

This morning we watched six or eight deer in the tall weeds and bushes outside our window. We read and write, walk and talk. We came home full of love and at peace with the world.

Crunch! Crunch!

2009-07-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

Soul mates don't feel like they are walking on eggs around each other. If either of you feel that way, it is time to make a relationship check and consider some help from a counselor. Soul mates feel relaxed and safe with each other.

If you are easily hurt and feel you must avoid conflict, you will make it impossible to understand and accept each other. The key to becoming soul mates is acceptance, understanding, and trust.

Fear Creates Distance

2009-07-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest hurdles to understanding your lover is to learn to listen without fear. To let go of defenses. In order to survive as children we learn defensive skills. When we grow up and want a close relationship, we still use those skills as if we are in danger from our lover. We are afraid that he/she might not speak to us or love us any more.

Early in our marriage Everett would walk out of the room when there was conflict. I would withdraw, shut-down, and be hurt when there was conflict. We had to learn how to let go of those defenses and listen to each other. Now that we can do that, we have found that love and intimacy have increased. We can be ourselves, say what we think and feel and still know that we are accepted and loved. We look forward to coming home to safety instead of dreading to come home because we don't know what to expect.
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Courage to Say What You Feel

2009-07-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

Learning to be soul mates can only happen when individual differences are appreciated and mistakes are expected and communication is open. It cannot happen when people feel like they are walking on eggs around each other. It cannot happen if you avoid conflict by not talking about things that might upset the other person.

You may not say what you feel because of your partner's defensive reaction. Defensive reactions can be withdrawal and refusal to talk or it can be explosive accusations of blame for feeling that way. One man I know couldn't ask his wife about finances without his wife bursting into tears and accusing him of not trusting her. The results were disastrous and they ended up divorced and deeply in debt.

Understanding and Acceptance

2009-07-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I keep going back to understanding and acceptance, because that is the goal of being soul mates. You cannot be soul mates without it. It requires conscious and intentional openness to understanding. This, of course, presents a constant challenge.

A good example of that challenge is the way we accept the telling of shared stories. That was hard for me. Most of the time who is right and who is wrong has little to do with acceptance of the story. It doesn't matter whose story is closest to what actually happened. How our partner experienced and remembers a shared event gives us more information about who he/she is. Open up to that and enjoy who that person is.

Celebrating Our 54th Wedding Anniversary

2009-06-27T20:58:00.001-07:00

When I first began writing these blogs, I did one titled "Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!" We have used every possible excuse to do that during our 54 years of marriage. We had very little money, because we both grew up in families with little money. We never needed it to celebrate.

In the beginning gas was cheap so we found country roads to explore, lakes and streams to fish, parks and beaches to go for picnics. Once we had each of our three children invite one of their friends and their family to our house for a family party. The children helped us plan and we had a great time.

This year we plan to celebrate our 54 years together with a short get-away. We love these great times together. How do you celebrate?

What If You Have Heard Their Stories Before

2009-06-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Telling each other your stories sets the stage for understanding. I love sharing my stories with Everett and I love having him share his stories with me. We now have many stories together. I don't always enjoy hearing him tell our stories, because we tell stories differently. Ev embellishes and doesn't consider details like numbers important. When we were younger, I felt a need to set him straight. I haven't done that for many years. When he tells our stories, it becomes his story. When I tell our stories, it is my story. Of course, they are different, because we experience things differently.

Some of Ev's stories I have heard many times. I don't mind. Stories he tells over and over tell me what is most important to him and what experiences have impacted his life. They help me understand why he thinks and feels what he does. Understanding and acceptance are the key to becoming soul mates.

John and Elizabeth Edwards

2009-06-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

What about couples like John and Elizabeth Edwards? At one time they seemed to be soul mates. Soul mates do not cheat on each other. Cheating destroys trust. Without trust intimacy cannot exist.

Is it possible for soul mates to destroy the closeness they once experienced? Absolutely. A soul mate experience must be carefully cherished and never taken for granted. Infidelity shatters much of what feels good in soul mate relationships. In her book, "Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities", Elizabeth says when she learned of John's infidelity, she screamed, cried, and vomited. She was devastated. "All I wanted was my life back," she writes.

Can John and Elizabeth become soul mates again? Trust, once destroyed, cannot easily be rebuilt. It takes time, lots of time. They may not have long enough. My guess is that is why Elizabeth's book is titled, "Resilience."

Obamas' Date Night in Paris

2009-06-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

The Obamas have a regular weekly date night, one of the reasons they have become soul mates. Did you read about their date night this week in Paris, the City of Love?They ate at a bistro,La Fontaine de Mars. The bistro dates back to the early nineteen hundreds and features rustic dishes from the southwest region of France.

Everett and I had a date night Friday. We ate at the Taste of Fair Oaks, a celebration of our community sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce. Not the same, but fun. What did you do on your date night this week?