MTBFTR

Beckham Isn't Coming Tour 2009 | FC Dallas

2009-03-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

FC Dallas have decided to turn lemons into lemonade when the Los Angeles Galaxy visit on May 23rd.

Teams are in full force selling season tickets. We would hate to have their job, after all, they're trying to sell in the worst economic environment in decades, and now David Beckham won't be coming to town.

FC Dallas announce "DB23 Voodoo Doll Night" to replace "Come See Beckham Night" on May 23rd. "Come on out and put a hex on Becks!" the posters will read. No fans could be reached for comment, as it is rumored that they do not exist.

An Offer He Couldn't Refuse

2009-03-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

The tug of war over the "soon to be retired ex-English captain whose best days are long gone" appears to have come to a close with everyone getting exactly what they want, except Don Garber. The clincher came last friday when The Don found John Wolyniec's head in his bed. Negotiating with the Italians is a bitch, eh Don?

He came, he saw, he had fucking floor seats for the Lakers! What will become of the Galaxy now that their brightest shining star is gone? ~~What will happen to the success achieved over the past 2 years?~~ Who will fellow Galaxy players hit up for some cashish in these rough economic times? Will Eddie Lewis become the media darling of the American sports landscape? So many questions, so few answers. One thing is for sure, DB23 probably won't be invited to dinner at the Garber's house any time soon. I'm sure David is crushed about that one.

We should all take a moment to admire the negotiating prowess of the league officials, who were able to wrangle a few more months of juice out of the DB23 PR machine. Nice going numnuts! You managed to bring back a player in the middle of the summer, precisely when interest in the league is always at it's lowest levels. For DB's sake, the Galaxy hopefully will be already out of the playoff picture. Sorry... I forgot this was MLS, everyone makes the playoffs! Even the slow kids!

No official word yet from DB23, but one of our insiders in Milano asked him about going back to Los Angeles. "It's no bother, I have a feeling that pesky knee injury will pop up again" he said, with a wink.

Revs Face Prospect of Becks-less Match

2009-02-25T21:17:00.000-08:00

The New England Revolution announce plans to replace Galaxy and Beckham August 8th visit with "Batting Helmet Night". First 200 lucky fans will get an official Boston Red Sox batting helmet for free!

As teams face the new brave world where David Beckham will not be visiting their stadiums this summer, teams are scrambling to fill the promotional void left open. With the circus not coming to town, teams have to come up with something, anything, to attract those crowds. You know, they can't just expect people to show up because they like their local team.

In case you missed it, the header on the league's website says it's "Major" league soccer. So what better way to woo the fans out for a night of mediocre soccer than to tear a page out of the real Major League marketing playbook and give away free batting helmets? Bat night was ruled out as it was feared uninformed fans expecting to see Beckham would turn on gameday officials in a most violent manner with their new free weapons handed out at the turnstiles.

New England also considered making Shalrie Joseph BobbleHead Night, but scrapped that as rumor had it FC Dallas had beat them to that marketing gimmick for their May 23rd match against the Ex-Becks. Other teams have yet to finalize their promotions for when they host the LA Galaxy.

Jilted Lover Posts Unflattering Pics of Ex Online

2009-02-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Coming to terms with the fact that your supposed soul mate has found a newer, more exciting love is hard to do. The picture above is not doctored, it's the homepage tonight of MLS featuring the first ever negative article about DB23.

Here is the opening salvo in the most entertaining break-up to hit the tabloid scene in 2009. I guess MLS is at that stage where they pretend they don't care yet somehow David's name keeps coming up in conversation. I would hate to be the rebound guy who gets stuck with the pile of emotional mess that MLS will be post-Beckham.

By this time next week we're sure you'll hear "The Don" say something along the lines of "I'm doing ok now. It's .... OK. Between you and me, he wasn't too good in bed anyways. I don't care what, or who, he does now. Fucking slut."

How great would it be if "The Don" goes all "Fatal Attraction" on David and starts showing up to his games in Milan?

BREAKING: Circle Jerk Breaks Out At MLS HQ

2009-02-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

The artificial deadline declared by MLS boss "The Don" Garber has passed this evening leading to all kinds of exuberant celebrations up at MLS offices. The media have also jumped on the bandwagon declaring the Davey B will be back with the Galaxy. We say, put the vaseline away boys, this is just getting started.

Big fucking deal. The deadline God, er... Don Garber, had declared has come and gone. I think it went something like "and at dusk on the 13th day of the second month, thou shall maketh thy offer, or consider thyself rejecteth!".

We picture Adriano Galliani, grand wizard of AC Milan, laughing at such ridiculous notions. They might be laughing themselves to sleep over in Milan tonight, only to pick the phone up tomorrow and dangle that multi-million dollar carrot in front of The Don's giant melon.

It's not like The Don has the will power to say no to money. A certain Austrian beverage company proved that. So let's cut the bullshit. Do you really think Don Garber has the balls to get in the way of this happening if DB23 really wants to stay over in Italy?

Shit, if I were The Don I would be careful about pissing off the Italians. He might wake up tomorrow with Landon Donovan's head under his bed sheets.

VINTAGE: Dolemite Puts Foot Up MLS' Ass

2009-02-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

Here's a piece we had back in 2003. Our good friend Dolemite, aka The Human Tornado, got in touch after seeing the nonsense going on at MLS HQ. Sadly, Dolemite recently passed away, but we were left with this ode to the league. Sit back, pop a open a tall boy and let the Human Tornado make music to your ears.

DOLEMITE IS HERE AT LAST, TO PUT HIS FOOT UP MLS' ASS
By Dolemite

Sit down son, and let Dolemite drop some knowledge on you about what the shit is going on in MLS. You see, that rat-soup eating honkey mothafucka Don Garber has got to go, so let me and my bitches get up in there and run this shit.

Here's a little rhyme i'm sure you'll enjoy. See, this shit is for real, and they better listen up because it's time for the Mack to take over. And then they'll scurry around like rats when I take out my big pimp stick.

The second Tuesday in the month of November,
Is a day that all the honkeys are gonna remember.
That's the day that I become the first Commisioner Mack
And paint that muthafucking league office black!
Today is the day I announce my commish campaign
And if you run against me you're runnin in vain.
So, Garber and Logan, stand on back and you'll see
I can do what you can't, get games on national fuckin T.V.
My election is guaranteed to win it all and win it quick,
Cause I'm the only candidate that packs a whole lotta dick.
But don't just vote because you think my meat is great
I could take both of these punks in a televised debate!
Garber answers the first question with "I feel your pain"
I rebut "Feel this foot in yo ass like two-ton freight train!
You need to shit-can that bullshit jive and kill all those lies.
Cause you're just a punk and your wife's has cunt flies!"
Then when I was done Logan jumps up to the mic and says
"I'm Doug Logan and I wants to be prez."
I start rappin, "You're Doug Logan and this fact is true,
But I know of a mountain range that's younger than you."
Then the mediator asks, "How do you feel about the Revolution?"
Logan rubs his chin and speaks, "I think there must be solution.
I busted, "What the hell you saying, I happen to care!
Make them my bitch, prostitution is only fair."
Garber looked up and said "I can dig you're point.
I like to have a good whore and light up a fat joint.
I say legalize prostitution or at least give it a try,
Then maybe Dolemite's prices wouldn't be so high!"
"Have you seen my wife?" Logan cried in a fever pitch.
"I have," I replied. "She's a bull-daggin bitch!
I'm here to tell you straight up, she's one nasty chick,
I wouldn't touch her with Garber's wrinkled up dick!"
"Hey now, Doug Logan doesn't like to be mistreated.
In this debate Garber and I may have been defeated,
But we still got some tricks that'll kick your black ass.
Like reviving the shootout and the old jerseys of the Wiz and the Clash!"
I laughed at the old man and pushed him on the floor.
"You fucked it all up back in 1994,
But now you fuckin with Dolemite, commisioner candidate.
And against Dolemite, you and the shootout share the same fate."
"Garber, I don't even need to be bustin on you.
You turned the League into one big SNAFU.
So pack your chump ass up and hit the road,
Cause Dolemite's in town and I'm the muthaload!"
"I'm changin the playoffs and droppin marketing loot,
Cause when my pants fall down you'll know the scoop.
When you see my dick you won't believe your eyes,
Check out Washington's Monument, that's about my size."
"I promise chitlins in every pot and a ho for every trick.
I promise free tickets for guys with over ten inches of dick.
So in November the Pimp Party is the choice that's right.
Be sure to cast your vote for that bad ass, Dolemite!

DEVELOPING STORY: San Jose + Amway

2009-01-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

One time MLS champion San Jose is announcing sponsorship agreement with one time alleged pyramid scheme and or cult multi-national Amway.

Full squad expected to go on rigid Nutrilite diet starting Monday.

More details as they emerge.

EXCLUSIVE: New Energy Drink FC Third Kit

2008-07-14T20:59:00.001-07:00

Poor results on the field, lower than expected attendance figures. Things are not good at Energy Drink FC lately. These problems are also compounded by the downturn in the economy, where consumers have become more frugal with their discretionary spending on items like recreational beverages.

Marc De Grandpre was the first victim of "underachieving corporate goals'. Erik Stover was brought in to try and turn fortunes around, but he's finding out how hard it is getting this team out of the shitter.

So what's a club (we use the term club extremely loosely when referring to these clowns) to do when seemingly everything is written in red ink?

Fleece the fans!

Taking a page out of the time honored playbook of the most famous clubs in the world, our Austrian overlords have decided to surprise the fans with a third kit to be launched in the near future. The original idea was for the third shirt to be used only during international competitions. Then word got back to Salzburg that our "club" had not qualified for any of those.

Without a prestigious international cup match to launch the shirt, they came up with the next best thing... Beckham Day At Giants Stadium! Ah yes, all the world's eyes will be on East Rutherford when DB23 comes to town.

So designers set pen to paper trying to design the best third kit. The Austrian Overlords stressed they wanted to incorporate the most advanced technology available.

We now proudly present..... Energy Dink FC's official third jersey, shown here before any other media outlet thanks to our undercover mole in the NYRB organization:

Our fearless mole in East Rutherford risked his life to capture this exclusive photo on his shitty cellphone camera. We apologize for the poor quality. This image was captured while the team ran around in their new "kit" for a training session at Giants Stadium. Our mole tells us a group of men in black suits with thick Bavarian accents were watching from the press boxes. Representatives from Energy Drink EF ZEE. (Austrian contingent) and adidas slapped eachother on the back, marveling at their latest innovation in sport performance apparel. When asked if the heavy trays will hinder the players on the field, one accented gentleman laughed and replied "have you seen them play lately? They barely move anyways! We don't care if they win, we just need more units moved" They then toasted to "new sales opportunities" before heading off in their stretch limos.

How To Deal With An Internet Threat

2008-07-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

So this week our comrades at MetroFanatic.com (not to be confused with RedBullFanatics.com) recieved the following email:

mf, (gee,z I wonder what that stands for)

I don't know who you are because you so cowardly did not put your name on the article you wrote in 2006 entitled 'Ten years ago: the rise and fall of Miles Joseph' which happens to be about my brother Miles. I really don't give a shit about your opinions or your obvious lack of soccer knowledge, but I would appreciate the picture removed that you have attached as a link, which has nothing to do with the subject of your article. If the picture is not removed immediately, I will have my lawyer contact you.

The story in question was posted here and originally contained the following picture:

(Blown up so you can get a good look)

Needless to say, when we read the email and saw the word "lawyer" we had a chuckle and then called our own expert legal team for their opinion. Unfortunately, in a blink of an eye the administrator of MF.com buckled under the thought of facing a judge and removed the image. We're sure Lenin is spinning in his grave at this display of backbone limpitude.

Some of our older readers may remember the time when MTBFTR faced a similar threat a few years ago (travel back in time, click on the banner).

So we called on our Legal Eagle one more time, for his expert opinion on this matter.

JC confirmed our suspicions, the threat of legal action is pretty hollow and shouldn't be given much of a second thought.

Thanks JC. We always knew we could count on you.

But we're MTBFTR. We don't just stop there. We've devised a 5 step plan of action that our friends at MetroFanatic should have taken, instead of caving in to some woman's cyber demand.

MTBFTR Step 1.
Send email reply:

Dear Relative of Alleged Professional Soccer Player,
Thanks for your kind inquiry regarding an archived story on our website. We love getting fan mail from our readers.
Either I need to get the latest copy of Rosetta Stone and improve my comprehension of the English language, or your letter is indeed asking us to remove a photograph of a soccer player. We regret to inform you that we can't take the photograph down as it compromises our journalistic integrity, which is first class and of the highest order, of course.
If you would like, please send a photograph of yourself so that we may publish it alongside this email for our readership's amusement.
Sincerely,
MTBFTR

MTBFTR Step 2.
Post image in question again, this time alongside email request to take the image down, taking great care to tag every photograph and highlight all keywords so the wonderful world wide web crawlers index up to every last punctuation mark. Immediate internet posterity.

MTBFTR Step 3.
Create new Google Adwords account. Bid on the following keywords:

Empty Threat
Empty Threats
Losing Lawsuits
Lawsuits Gone Wild
Lawsuits Gone Amok
Threats Run Amok
Telling On You
Telling Mommy
Rogue Threat
Empty Legal Action Threat
Empty Legal Action Threats
Hot Babe Dancing
Hot Dancing Babe
Hot or Not
Smiley Guy
Waynes World
Party Time
Excellent
Miles Joseph

And create the following adgroups:

MTBFTR Step 4.
Create a new profile on Facebook, posing as our blonde beauty from the image, including her wild tales of partying it up with professional athletes in the greater New York City area, including one Miles Joseph!

MTBFTR Step 5.
Get back in touch with the person who emailed and solicit an apology for wasting our valuable time.

Corporate Douche Bags

2008-05-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

Friends, it's time for us to all stand together and be proud to be 'Merican. Because, Freedom isn't free, and we need to thank the sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, cousins and third cousins, fighting over seas so we can live free and let freedom ring from sea to shining sea. And no one is more patriotic and grateful for that freedom, than Energy Drink FC. Which is why they want to show their support for the troops by granting you the honor of purchasing tickets for Military personnel, at the special price of "face value". Yes, tickets.

Tickets for Troops

Call us skeptical (that would be a first!) but this seems like it may just be... well, I mean when you look at it... sorta... well... how do you say...corporate greed cloaked in a blanket of sympathy that is as see through as a whore's stockings? Basically, this is a ticket drive. You cough up some cash, some military guy gets to see a crappy MLS game, and the Energy Drink gets to keep all the $. What's next? They're going to piss in a can and tell us it gives us wings?

File this under, "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?"

I only wish this was some kind of joke. When I read this it immediately brought this to mind:

Home Depot Honors Fallen Soldiers With Great Prices On Tools

People for the Ethical Treatment of Amateurs

2008-05-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

By now you've seen the ads , maybe even caught the giant building size version next to the entrance to the Holland Tunnel (Madhattan side). Our question is, who is the fucking idiot who came up with this idea? I mean... really? Someone got paid to come up with this concept? Who did they hire to come up with this? Secaucus High art class students?

Every time I see it, all I can think of is....

Crap advertising and the Former Regime at Harmon Meadow Plaza went hand in hand. We thought for sure that was over, now that the Bavarians had moved in. After all, The Company has tricked millions of people around the world to drink something that tastes like cough medicine with a twist of shit. Unfortunately, the more things change, the more they stay insane.

At least they resist putting DB23's image on every ad, even though they don't let any opportunity to push that game slip by. If we were in charge, this would be the ad thousands of motorists would see as the flee the city:

Crash Test Dummies

2008-05-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

D.C. United, Volkswagen ink sponsorship deal
Five-year partnership highlighted by jersey sponsorship rights and collision impact studies

Washington DC - D.C. United and Volkswagen of America, Inc. today announced a five-year partnership agreement that will see the two brands join forces in a landmark deal that includes Volkswagen's logo on the shirts of the most successful team in the history of American professional soccer and the world. Volkswagen will also be prominently featured through a variety of other club and in-stadium marketing components such as Big Gulp cups, branding on the tampon dispensers in the mens rooms, and a tattoo on Jaime Moreno's forehead.

In what is said to be a first of a kind deal, United will in turn send three players to Wolfsburg, Germany where they will take part in collision testing.

Said Hans-Jürgen Uhl, Safety Research Department Manager of VW Wolfsburg, "Wir können nicht warten, um diese drei Idioten hier und Kick ihnen herum!" (Use Google to translate, you lazy fuckers).

"As with all of our important decisions, we took a very strategic approach to engaging the market of potential jersey sponsors," said United President and CEO Kevin Payne. "Then we saw their wallet and needed no further deliberation."

That's Ballsy

2008-04-22T21:58:00.001-07:00

It's amazing what you can find on Google image search. The Don and The Sunil sharing a moment. Makes you wonder where the other hand is. We welcome any explenations/interpretations of this picture, just click on the comment box at the top right corner of this post.

8 Years Later

2008-04-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

So roughly 8 years ago we brought you this gem. Do you think Sacko is having this same wet dream about Philly?

Who can forget the good times, when Nicko used to lie to our face about how awesome the new stadium was going to be, and how the club was headed in a great direction where soon it would be the envy of the entire league. Not quite there yet eh, Nick? Ah well, it doesn't cost anything to dream.

We hear they are actually making progress on the job site in Harrison, we may just have to go out there and do some investigative reporting.

Fallout Continues After MTBFTR Return

2008-04-11T16:38:00.001-07:00

Hasta La Pasta, Douchebag

Fire President and General Manager Guppy departs

BRIDGEVIEW, Ill. (April 11, 2008) - Chicago Fire Soccer and President, General Manager, and Fan Antagonist John Guppy agreed to part ways today after Guppy was asked to clean out his desk. The move comes amid the return of controversial website, and longtime John Guppy foe, MTBFTR made it's triumphant return to the information superhighway. The Fire also announced that Andell Sports Group Managing Director Javier Leon will serve as interim President and GM as soon as a priest performs an exorcism in the President's office to remove any residual evilness. The team will begin the search for a new President and GM immediately by holding auditions in conjunction with Univision, "Sueño Presidencial MLS".

Before joining Andell in February 2008, Leon was the Chief Executive Officer of Chivas USA Enterprises in Los Angeles for three years. There he was astonishingly unsuccessful and hopes to bring that same level of incompetence to his new role with the Fire.

"John's professionalism and dedication was always in doubt with the Fire organization for the past four years, I mean c'mon... who are we kidding? The guy was a prick! I believe it is in the team's best interests to go in a new direction, and we will have Mr. Guppy escorted from the premises immediately. We have also alerted security to check his car before leaving, in case he tries to jack something that isn't his " said Fire Overlord Andrew Hauptman.

"We are very focused on raising the level of play on the field, even if this is MLS, as well as building a world-class sports enterprise. I am confident that Javier will do a great job managing the organization on an interim basis, we hope to get interim results in the meantime. Our plan is to begin a comprehensive search for a new president as quickly as possible. We know the city of Chicago will be paralyzed until this search comes to an end, we ask you keep the entire Chicago Fire organization and this great city in your prayers." Hauptman went on to add "Potential candidates should have hands-on experience, be proficient in Power Point and Microsoft Bullshitting Pro 3.0, as well as have a good work ethic and be a people person. Personal hygiene a must, be prepared to bring your own equipment."

MTBFTR Claims First Victim

2008-04-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

The ex-wives club

Barely 48 hours had passed since the relaunch of MTBFTR and we already are starting to see them run for the hills. Sources inside Energy Drink FC tell us De Grandpre was warned by his predecessor, and we quote, "get out while you can, those fuckers are ruthless."

Rather than deal with us, De Grandpre was stepped aside. Which is a little refreshing to us, since we're used to seeing failure be rewarded with promotions (see Washo, Guppy, Sacko). We promise to get to the bottom of the age old question "What qualifications did De Grandpre have to be running a soccer team in the first place?" Ah screw it, who are we kidding, you apparently don't need any qualifications .

Our mole in the front office says De Grandpre was practicing his spanish in the past few weeks, in anticipation of a possible career redirection. He is lobbying for a job at Fanta with aspirations of some day running Chivas de Guadalajara.

On a side note, how great is it in Energy Drink land that no one ever is fired, they all "resign". Kind of like all those "accidents" that happen to occur around a mafia hitman.

Are Cowlumbus fans the most delusional in MLS?

2008-04-08T07:35:00.001-07:00

Title says it all. For years we have been saying how delusional DC Fans are (and they are). But has 13 years of utter medicority rotted the brains of every single Crew Fan? Is there a game they have ever fairly lost? Everything from watering the pitch pregame to the confluence of Saturn and one of it's moons has been used as an excuse for the Metr-err Red Bulls beating the piss out of the Crew yet again.

Go wander over to the Crew-Red Bull post game thread on BigSucker.com and take a look for yourself. Say hi to Bill Archer for us!

On a related note, Mr. Rumor sent us this picture. According to his secret communique, the Crew are about to receive a large Pole.

Energy Drink Wins Opener, Already Mid-Table

2008-04-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

Week 1 - The Former Metros 2 - CC 0
Energy Drink wins their 2008 season opener against the Crew. Even with the win TFM will enter week 2 in their seemingly rightful place, "mid-table".

Developing story, stay tuned for details as they are available.

The Return of the Beast

2008-04-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

Where to begin. It has been 4 years since we graced the internet with our presence, so it's probably best we start off by filling you in on what we've been up to in that time. Towards the end of 2004 we were indicted at The Hague Tribunal on a litany of charges including inciting riots, overdue books, trafficking underage football talent, and impersonating FIFA officials. We had Blatter's high priced attorneys after us and they were looking for punishment to the fullest extent of the law.

Needless to say we were forced to flee. Our website, mtbftr.com (look it up in the waybackmachine if you were living under a rock during the early 2000's) was shut down. In addition to Interpol, Nick Sakiewicz's private investigators were hot on our trail as well, and the law was finally catching up to us. Our only hope was to put our lives in the hands of an old friend, a Nigerian bootlegger that specialized in golf clubs and potato peelers, and were given refuge in an undisclosed cave somewhere on the planet Earth. Luckily there was internet access, so we were able to keep up with all the news surrounding the MetroStars. Like the opening of their new stadium in Harrison and that first MLS championship. [/sarcasm] Apparently not much changed in our absence.

Except of course that name and logo shit.

After a few years on the run, moving from country to country conspicuously posing as Latin American soap opera stars, we were contacted by makers of Mad Dog 20/20 because they liked our style and wanted to be associated with our "brand". Short on money and desperate for a renewed presence on the web, we held a secret meeting with them in the fall of 2007. They came with suitcases full of cash and a great business plan which centered around dumping the MTBFTR moniker and rebranding to MD2020.com. For the relaunch of the site they would bring in a team of alcoholic daredevils, street mimes and a blockbuster performance by Vanilla Ice. In exchange, we would have to rename ourselves MadDog1 and MadDog2, and promote Mad Dog 20/20 at every chance we got. For example, when we sent out death threats we would have to preface them by saying, "The following death threat is brought to you by... Mad Dog 20/20! Get fucked up tonight with The Dog!"

We were running out of alternatives, our cash was low, the authorities were closing in, and New England almost won an MLS Cup.

Could we do it? Drop MTBFTR? The site that was synonymous with the MetroStars (...failures)? The site that helped make Steve Jolley the internet's first superstar blogger? The site that brought to light the obesity problems of Columbus? The site that was integral in creating an underground railroad for Colombian soccer players to come to the tri-state area?

After much thought we decided to tell those Mad Dog 20/20 assholes to shove it. We're MTBFTR for fuck's sake! You would have to be a real sell out douche bag (or a tranny) to switch your whole identity from one day to the next. Instead we decided to just try and sell more copies of this book to get some cash together to fund a new site.

So here we are, a new MLS season, number 13 if you're even still watching. We'll be mixing in a lot of new content with some oldies but goodies. As always, we welcome you to take your opinions and suggestions and stick them where the sun don't shine. We hereby place everyone on notice. We are back, we are watching closely, we will take you out to the shed and beat you.

Sincerely,
Mr. Red and Mr. Black

Contact Us, If you've got the stones.

2008-04-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

Your visit is important to us. Please feel free to send us all suggestions, ideas, naked pictures (women only), and any other correspondance by clicking on the suggestion box above.

We appreciate your business and we may or may not share your information with telemarketers and internet scam artists.

If you have any MetroStars or MLS related breaking news that is so big and you are dying to share with us, please feel free to email us but afterwards, please, do youself a favor and get a life. No one cares.

Profile: Mr. Black

2008-04-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

NAME: unknown

ALIASES: Mr. Black, Dr. Smooth

NATIONALITY: UK

BELEIVED TO BE RESIDING IN: Monaco

LAST SEEN: Glasgow, Scotland

WEAPON OF CHOICE: pool cues and small dogs

WANTED FOR: Crimes Against Fashion, Instigating Terrace Rucks in England and Brazil, Crushing The Dreams Of Delusional American Soccer Supporters. Sought in connection with a pyramid scheme intended to drain Screaming Eagles coffers.

Last known photograph of Mr. Black. Authorities confirm that although there is an uncanny similarity, Mr. Black is in no way related to Michael Mejido.

Profile: Mr. Red

2008-04-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

NAME: unknown

ALIASES: Mr. Red, Red Ted, The Commie Bastard

NATIONALITY: Irish (allegedly)

BELEIVED TO BE RESIDING IN: unknown

LAST SEEN: Caracas, Venezuela

WEAPON OF CHOICE: Pint glasses

WANTED FOR: International Soccer Terrorism waged against rival supporters and beverage companies. Outstanding offences for Driving Under the Influence of alcohol in 5 European countries. 4 overdue books from the London public library.

Photo believed to be of Mr. Red captured by a security camera at a Brussels retirement home that was swindled out of $25,000 and entire supply of applesauce.

Buy Something!

2008-04-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Just how exactly does MTBFTR fund it's various activities? Easy. Merchandise, merchandise, merchandise. Be the first on your block to own one of our famous t-shirts like the one pictured to the left, and rest easy in knowing that the proceeds go strictly towards our ongoing campaign against all other supporters in the league.

PRODUCTS WILL BE ADDED SOON.

MTBFTR Manifesto

2003-02-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

MANIFESTO COMING SOON.

Viva Vilegas!

2002-08-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

What follows is a reprint from MTBFTR, summer 2002. Petter Villegas was an entertaining midfielder, and not just when the kit-manager misspelled his name and put "Vilegas" on the back of his shirt (true story!). So when he was traded to DC he decided to follow his team-mate Steve Jolley of "Just Jolley" fame and enter the realm of blogging to try to explain his departure. Enjoy.

Saludos!

I wan to star by saying hello to ebrywon. I wan tok to ebrywon at de estadion bat I can, becose der is too many peoples. Nick say they is like, 30 sousand at last game! Incrible! No look so moch like that. So, I wan to tok to ebry MetroEstars fan becose they boo me a lot deuring last tree game and now i go to the DC. My fren Estebe Jolley tell me he rite to MetroEstars fan on the computer, an he say to me I chood also. So, I borro de computer and rite.

I so, so, so, so, so, sorri I plei like retarde bline donki. I try bery har to play goo, bat de prolem is no me. Is the oder gays on de feld. Dey chel at me dooring de game, an it make me so narvoss. Den, de peeples in de stan also are corsing at me caling me a moderfokers and piz of shit. That meyk Villegas bery esad. An den I can no plei goo, becoss they distrac me.

I tell Mr. Nick to plis trade me to Ecuador, my homelan. Bat he say no cos he like me to cleen his car and mo his lown on de weekens. Also, I wan go away cos is col in de winter. An also cos de crasy arab moderfoker put bomb in Nueva York. An I get escared. I no wan antrax.

So insted Mr. Nick sended me to the DC. Now I bery esad, cos de fans will brek my bolls more and call me moderfoker cos I playing in the DC. Ay caramba!

So plis, if I see chu at de estadion, don cal me a moderfoker or piz of shit. Den you are de moderfoker. And I moderfok chu and chu chiken too. I no a moderfoker. Moderfoker is crasy arabs and moderfoker is Billy Walch. And also moderfoker is de dog of Nick det chays me wen I try cleen Nick car and mo de moderfokeen lown.

If chu wan rite me, sen me emayl:

De_shitty_MetroEstar@metrostars.com

Bye bye! I spek soon.

Petter Vilegas