RENEGADE

Worship....

2009-11-11T14:16:00.001-05:00

This was in response to Reverb (my Brother from another mother's Blog) -

I have just recently begun to take the word 'worship' out of the prison of church land...I now understand that to simply live is worship. I'm probably a day late and dollar short in getting this...But I am sometimes slow...

It isn't about getting worked up in the Spirit or raising my hands, or going to some special place to do it...These are activities that I do with my community of faith (or even alone) in a concentrated manner of focus on God. These things are good. These things are fun, I love these things. But they are only one aspect - a formal aspect of 'worship'. And the best worship IMHO cannot be planned or forced. It is not a 'should', it is not something that if we don't work it into our schedule we are somehow shorting God...The best worship I think happens when we don't even realize it...In laughing with friends. In eating a good meal. In slow dancing with your significant other. In looking at a sunrise and smiling. In loving another person with all that we have.

Jesus talks alot about nature...He says to watch the lilies of the field, the birds in the sky. They don't get worked up or worried, they don't stop and do anything special that is labeled 'worship'...They just do what they were made to do...LIVE. And in that, God takes pleasure...In that they point to the awesomeness of their Creator. Jesus also said that if his people didn't speak for Him, that the rocks would cry out...The rocks. Think about that...What do rocks do? They exist. Just where God placed them. And their very existence as rocks speak about the majesty of God. In essence I think he may have been saying that He doesn't really NEED people to DO a bunch of stuff. He is woven clearly throughout Creation. Jesus came to restore to us this simplicity. The relationship between God and His Creation that people destroyed when they decided they wanted to be able to manufacture their own value through the works of their hands. All along the only thing God wanted from us was to LIVE. And in doing so, come to know Him because He made us. We've turned it into so much other noise that His still, small voice sometimes gets drowned out....

I want to be Undignified in my enjoyment of LIFE. In doing so, I believe God's greatness will be seen.

Politics of fear....

2009-10-27T18:52:00.003-04:00

Watchful, yes...But I refuse to worry...The enemy wants nothing more than for the people of God to be in a state of fear over politics or any other pattern of this world. We are dual citizens RIGHT NOW of Earth (where we have been given reign) and Heaven where we are welcome at all times in the spiritual realm. Papa's storehouses of hope, wisdom, grace and most importantly Agape love are free for the taking to fill up on and pour out. Go get it, brothers and sisters and experience the change in perspective from up there!

Don't let the world step on your soul....

2009-10-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

Jesus says to come to Him like children...The basic sentiment of this song speaks to that innocent quality and genuine faith that I so often see in the kids I work with and that sometimes rises up in me only to get quickly dashed by 'reality'...

Don't Let the World Step on Your Soul
(Todd Schroeder, Ron Miller)

My God, how new you are
Still untouched by time
You're breathing every dream
Hang on to who you are
Create your own design
'Cause dreamers must run to extremes

Hey, little one, I can tell your an easy believer
And you cry at the sunset While the rest of the tribe calls you fool
Your mind will eat humble pie
While your hungry heart chokes on the rules
But, baby, don't let the world step on your soul.

Hey, little one, I can tell you're a new generation
in the scheme of creation
'Cause you care about people and pain
While all the wheelers and dealers
And the prime-timers call you insane
But, baby don't let the world step on your soul.

Hey, little one, I can tell you're
The voice of compassion
In a concert of anger
Where the young can't relate to the old
You are the warmth of illusion at a time when our
Hearts have turned cold.

Oh, baby, don't let the world step on your soul.

Not a leader....

2009-10-15T14:34:00.003-04:00

I'm seriously not.

These are my strengths:

Input
Communication
Harmony
Intellection
WOO

Note that LEADER is not in there anywhere...Nor do I think it would pop up anywhere in the next 3 of my top strengths.

But I think that because I am an extrovert and generally not afraid of being up in front of people I am mistaken for a leader. I have mistaken me for one and usually end up over my head and completely ill-equipped to do whatever it is that leaders do...I'm not saying this as a self-slam....Only a self-realization. I seem to always want to lead something...I come up with ideas and visions, etc. And then get overwhelmed by all that is entailed in making that happen and all of that stuff goes way above and beyond any of my gifting. Now, I can lead circle time at school, I can lead a scene in improv, I can sing lead for a band, I can lead a Sozo session. But I'm not convinced that kind of leading is the same as true leadership. That's just strong teaching/acting/prayer skills...So, with this admission, I am making different choices. I will not step up to lead anymore. I will however be right beside any leader who needs a good co-leader or assistant (though not ADMIN assistant)...I am going to live my strengths and I believe I may find some things less frustrating and feel more confident in general....

Bucket list revisted

2009-10-14T19:13:00.001-04:00

Morphing happens to one's goal/dream list as life catapults its way toward one's destiny (mine is Heaven, guaranteed!). Was thinking about mine recently and realized I have met some of them and am getting closer to others and have added some things and removed some things. In no particular order (crossed out = YAY!)

1. Visit Australia

2. Visit St. Croix

~~3. Teach Sozo~~
4. Have one week without worry (removed - need a lobotomy first)
~~5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation~~

~~6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST~~

7. Cut a CD
8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team (removed)

9. Go horseback riding again

10. Knit something ridiculously cool

11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah

12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list.

13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ

14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!).

15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural.

~~16 . Get rid of religious lies~~

17. Walk confidently in complete and total freedom in Christ.

18. Stop trying to have a 'normal' life.

19. Learn to repel (Pending completion on October 25th!)

20. Ride a zip line

21. Go skydiving

22. Save money the Dave Ramsey way

23. Have staged reading of my screenplay

24. Love ridiculously

25. Live in a cute little single-family house

2009-10-11T23:12:00.003-04:00

It's like I have fought my way through a party full of loud people to finally push through a door to reach a place of quiet. I wouldn't trade attending the party, but it's sure nice to be where I am. I think of the lyrics to the song "Home" from The Wiz. I 'get' Dorothy and her journey in a way that I never have before...

Suddenly my world has changed its face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing

If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me

And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like mine

Like home...

Heart Vs. Wisdom

2009-10-11T08:39:00.002-04:00

If following my heart makes me a fool, then I'm a fool. Because my heart led me to seek Jesus. My heart tells me to love the unlovable and my heart tells me to risk the pain to find something deeper. Wisdom as it is so often understood has failed me more than my heart and has often imprisoned me in a cage if fear. Perhaps the wise thing is to let the heart and wisdom be intertwined, for God created both and placed them inside of us on purpose. Do they have to be enemies?

More tangenting...

2009-10-10T01:07:00.002-04:00

Was writing a note to a good friend tonight and ended up rambling some thoughts that seemed like they might make a good blog...So since it has been a while...Here they are...Probably just the same stuff I always say with different words...What can I say? I'm a simple person... :)

I'm done with subscribing to any one kind of expression of faith in Jesus...Every move of God ever has been quickly tied down into religion. Even in the subtlest of forms. Something cool happens and it gets bottled, given a name, touted as the missing piece to perfect worship and doing of God stuff, anything prior is pashawed as inferior. I do it, I see every church/movement/denomonation I have ever seen do it....Everyone thinks their way is the best...And maybe I am learning that Jesus loves ALL of it. That he shows up where He is invited by a sincere heart. There doesn't have to be factions and division. It's pride (and I am guilty of it) that kills the heart of love. And I'm sick to death of seeing love and relationships devoured by it. Maybe what I'm doing is all effed up and wrong, maybe my theology is not perfect and my hermeneutics askew but I love Jesus and in the end, I hope that is what matters....Because even with all the shouting from every roof top of what works, I have yet to see true unity in the body of Christ in all of my 38 years. Just periods of cool stuff disrupted at some point by stupid shit. Don't get me wrong, I love my church and I love Sozo but they are just shadows. My job as I see it (and reflected in my name) is to be a warrior of light and grace. However that may play out. If I bring those things with me, the enemy will flee. He's so not worth the energy I used to give him. I am just happy that Jesus is Who He is and Did what He did. Let me just walk my life out and bring Him with me wherever I go. Religion in all its obvious and subtle, ghastly forms closely followed by politics are so out of my life. Bring on the joy, the peace and the Kingdom - whatever vehicle is used to do so....

God is in everything...A rant against labeling.

2009-09-13T19:13:00.003-04:00

I happen to enjoy and find value in many things that probably are not very "Christian"....I like heavy metal music (the non- Christian kind), I like going out to bars, having a drink and singing some karaoke. I love working on theatrical productions and horror films and the USS Nightmare Haunted boat. I once had a blast backstage at a drag show. Yes, yes, I know...I probably should have instead been at church praying for the salvation of all those drag queens....BAD Christian! But you know what I found there? I found a group of people who were enjoyable to be around, who laughed and loved on me, welcomed me in, gave great fashion tips and were fellow performers who I could share backstage stories with.

I suppose I could look at it in one of two ways - this welcoming in was a ploy of the devil to tear me away from my Christianity and lure me into a lifestyle of sin and degradation...Or I could see that I spent time with a group of folks who differ from me in some foundational areas but who are loved by God just as much as I am, who have at their fingertips the same abundant love and grace and mercy as I do, who Jesus died for as much as He did me. I could look at this as an opportunity to wage spiritual war with any forces of darkness that might be plaguing them or I could see that these are people created in the image of God just like I am and acknowledge that I too have forces of spiritual darkness that loom around me. Mine are just different from theirs. I also have to acknowledge that I had absolutely no idea what relationship any of these people had with God. At that time I was given no prophetic word from God as to the nature of that, and therefore, I had no reason at all to even assume anything one way or the other. What God was doing in their lives was a big NUNYA. I can say this for my friends at the karaoke bar, and who I see evil "secular" concerts with or who I perform "secular" plays with. Just because I know Jesus doesn't mean I am loved more than someone who doesn't, nor does that automatically make me responsible for bringing salvation to everyone I meet who doesn't. Only God knows that timing and I have to let Him lead. The best I can do is be me without an agenda. Seeing that I am one with God through Christ should make this effortless. I would hope that by default, Jesus would be seen in me just being me.

Rob Bell (yeah - that heretic who dares to teach Christians that deep breathing and meditative prayer are good) explains in his book Velvet Elvis that the term Christian is a great noun but makes a terrible adjective. I agree. Sadly, many things labeled "Christian" are simply BAD.
Christian plays and movies are usually bound in unnatural language and two-dimensional characters. Everyone must behave - except that one bad kid who wears torn jeans and has spiked hair. By the end, of course, he is neatly trimmed and wearing a suit to church as if his clothes were his problem. Once, just once, I'd like to see a Christian film where a character gets so pissed off that they drop the F-bomb in frustration...Because, truly, that is what people do! I'd bet 95% of all Christians on this planet let out a good satisfying "SHHHHHEEEEIIITTT! that HURT!" every once in a while. I do. And I rarely apologize. I don't think I need to unless I use Papa's name in vain during my vent or my words offended someone else. Frankly, I don't think God is affected one way or another by my use of an occasional expletive.

Sometimes I think that even after Jesus came to show us we cannot save ourselves, we still want to try and be in charge. We put everything in neat little boxes - even God - and say "This is what it should look like, don't cross this line!" But it's just not going to happen. Humanity is messed up. We get 'saved' and our spirits are made whole, but in this earthly realm we're still messed up. We are royal, gloriously screwball saints who God loves and delights in. Just because.

I think I am realizing that God is God. He is not worried. He is not in Heaven fretting over whether I turn on AC/DC or Casting Crowns or if I will be perfect today. He knows. He's already there. He's always working, always talking, always reaching out. He is with me in the karaoke bar as much as He is with me in church. He is with me in my struggles, and he is with those drag queens who I had so much fun with.

Living this out is terrifying because it means I have to relinquish control. I don't like that. It means I acknowledge that I don't know as much as He does.

All God ever asks us to do is LOVE one another. He does the rest. Really. It's true! LOVE 'EM ALL (Christian or not) and LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT. That is something I learned from Pastor Dave Workman. If I isolate from everything "Unchristian" for fear that I will be contaminated is to distrust the Power of God. But if I walk with Him and listen, He will guide me. And if I am somewhere unsafe He will let me know. I really don't have to over think it. This is where I get into the most trouble...Thinking, analyzing and fearing long before there is any reason to.

God is everywhere and is in everything...There is nothing to fear. When Jesus says "Be anxious for nothing" He means it.

As Steve Brown says "Go out and do something that will make uptight Christians doubt your salvation". Maybe we will discover something deeper and surprising about God. Maybe we will have an opportunity to point Jesus out to someone who doesn't yet know Him or who doesn't see Him.

Turn the radio up and don't apologize if it's Van Halen you feel like jamming to today! You know who you are! The devil will flee just because you're enjoying music he wanted to accuse you with!

Grounded

2009-09-09T07:40:00.003-04:00

Adventure called and I answered.
Stepped from my fears and boxes,
Spread my wings - believing again I was
Free to fly.

But the wind tore at my face.
A cold, bitter rain made flight heavy.
Lies carefully crafted around truth
embedded themselves in my skin
And drained their poison into my soul,
Blinding me from what was real,
Deafening the voice of love
That whispered gently, kindly and wisely.

Panic stricken I landed,
Limping defeated into the
Safe, dull security of the known.

I turn again to watch braver eagles
Swoop and soar above me
Taking chances with the rain and wind.
Weaving in and out with skillful artistry
As if relying on an invisible safety.
Faithful it will never let them down.

Faithful. Trusting. Fearless.

It is a freedom I deny
As I chain myself to a prison of safety,
Certain I was not meant for flight.
Convinced that the longing for adventure
Is only a dangerous darkness,
Tempting me into too much that is unknown.
Too much I cannot control.

Faithless. Grounded.

Weekend!!

2009-09-05T22:53:00.007-04:00

Photo borrowed from: www.cincinnatichamber.com

I DECLARE A SUPER FUN, SAFE and BLESSED HOLIDAY WEEKEND TO ALL!

MAY YOU KNOW THAT GOD LOVES EACH OF YOU EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.... PERIOD.

(Thanks, Maria for reminding me of the importance of speaking God's Truth of life and love into the atmosphere!)

Broken Boxes

2009-08-31T20:09:00.003-04:00

photo credit: raphael gerber

I was not born to be traditional. There is nothing traditional about me or my life. Never really has been. No matter how hard I have tried to cram myself into that box - thinking that eventually I will get there, I have to come to terms with the fact that God did not make me to be run-of-the-mill.

I have a knack for completely obliterating any box that reads "This is what life is supposed to be", "These are what milestones you should have reached by age 40", "These are the kinds of people you should hang with if you're a good Christian girl", etc. etc...Sometimes I look at people who have 'that life' and think I am missing something. It seems like if I had kids or was married or had an income that was heftier that I would then be a real grown up.

Then again, maybe that's just a lie straight from the pit of hell...Even though I'm single with no kids, living in a one-bedroom apartment with a menagerie of animals, I am as real a woman as some yuppie-lady in a suit, walking to lunch in her pantyhose and gym shoes, running her kids to soccer and baking pies for the church auction.

Nothing wrong with any of that in case you think I'm judging.

But that's not me.

I will never wear the clothes I "should" or listen to the music I "should", or eat a diet like the rest of America (OK, I do like my fries and Cola!), or be interested in the things and people that I "should"...

I'm simply not that kind of girl...But if I had a nickel for everytime I drew one of those 'looks' from someone who saw me as askew, or was told 'you're weird', I would be a millionaire.

I never set out to be different...That's just how it is.

And ya know, I love my life. As it is. Today. Just the way God has worked it out. And I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me...

Who needs "normal" when you've got all that going for you??

Desk badassedness!

2009-08-09T16:54:00.000-04:00

NOTE: Please forgive the horrid formatting in this post...Blogger is screwing up picture placement and spacing and I can't fix it...So, like that last post that had random words in it...Just ignore...SIGGHHH... On with the story....

Not only did I single-handedly carry the 12-ton boxes up the stairs, I also put together my new Ikea computer desk all by my little self...With no cussing and only a few WTF?'s (that doesn't count since it's a question and not a curse).

~~Destruction~~ Construction calls for music. Pandora Internet Radio set to John Tesh or Yanni works well to keep the nerves soothed. Are you laughing at John Tesh? Shame on you. He is a good Christian man...And he gives free healthy lifestyle tips on STAR 93.3!

Um...Looks like I already violated rule number one...The guy in that picture is obviously not a badass if he has to have a friend help him carry the boxes!

Dinah shows how she matches the Birch Effect color scheme of the desk. She doesn't care about much else except how beautiful and royal she is.

Calpurnia oversees the hardware division....I'm not sure this is a good plan...

Not bad for 45 minutes of work. Trying to decipher which boards I need from the pictures in the directions (there are no words) was a challenge at times.

Dinah was the first to cave. She started playing hockey with the bolts and nails. She was banished from the work zone.

This was a PITA...I couldn't twist these far enough to go into the boards. They weren't flat-head and they weren't Phillips...WTF?!

Wellll...What is this?

Oh look! It makes a turny-thing! Now I can get the hardware into the board with ease! How fun...I am keeping this tool.

I made a drawer!

Good place to stop for now...Time to go party...And then sleep...And then have group and then nap and then go to church...

And then have dinner...This is my bro Dan's plate of oyster crackers that he decorated with hot sauce...He's so creative.

OK, back at it late in the night. It's all done...Except....

WTF??? Where does this go?? Something isn't fully screwed in!

Nooooooooooo!

Maybe I'm not such a badass...

Well...As John Bender says -

"Screws fall out all the time. The world is an imperfect place..."

Sooo...

Here's hoping it doesn't collapse! Also note that I transferred all the computer equipment from the old desk onto the new one without having to turn off or unplug anything! SCORE!

Reds Faith Day - Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-08-02T23:46:00.014-04:00

A day at the ball park with fabulous people...God rocks!

We waited...And waited...Annnnd waited for the rest of our party to arrive.

Please ignore the random word 'edit' below (??!)...

edit

Sara makes contact.

"Take me out to the crowd....I don't like peanuts or cracker Jacks...but barbecue chicken and chips will do..."

Shiloh on the big screen!

I think something was happening here.

Sara looking perky. She has the same ass as her mom...

(it's a Shiloh thing, you might not understand)....

Dan...And part of my hand. Yep, I'm a real pro!

Jim decided that texting with his daughter was more interesting than watching the Reds lose again (I myself would never text while sitting with other people...Never. Ever. And I'd never text someone who was sitting right next to me either, that would be silly).

What we all ventured down for - Steven Curtis Chapman LIVE!

Jumbotrons make for good concert viewing.

Oooh. I'm so arty!

Thanks, Prasco, whoever you are, for bringing us SCC!

Illegal screenshot of our 'FanFoto'

If you see these three fugitives, apprehend them for Grand Theft Foto.

Ikea

2009-07-25T00:12:00.009-04:00

On Wednesday I visited Ikea with my friend Jim. I had never been there before and had no idea that it was actually like an 'experience'...I'd just heard it was a store I needed to visit before I die. I wondered why Maria once said we'd need a couple of hours when we had discussed going a few weeks back.

Like any good journalist I documented my visit with some pictures. I would have taken more but I got caught up in the shopping...

Me prior to Ikea. Note the innocence in my eyes.

Jim is excited to find new stuff for his bachelor pad. He knows the ropes at Ikea. I was clueless as to what I was about to encounter.

Wow...It's huge...like a mall...But just one store...That's crazy! Isn't it just a sofa shop?

This is where you enter. See, I caught on really fast.

An "eProp" computer. Very clever. It's not real. Really.

There are couches on the wall. You simply select the one you want and then pull it off the wall and into your cart. At least that's what I thought until I tried to do that and they called security...

Just Kidding.

Jim demonstrates the proper way to select items at Ikea. You must write down secret information found on the display items and later have a treasure hunt in the warehouse.

Anyone know what da heck that is that we found in this clothes closet?

THE WAREHOUSE!

The looonnnggg row of carts on which you stack your boxes and boxes of purchases.

I bought a computer workstation for $60 that will replace the huge monster of a thing that I currently have...It was a good deal. It looks like the one there on the left.... It is in a color that they call "birch effect". Which I suppose means 'we can't call it birch wood because it's not really wood..But doesn't it have that same effect?'...

Overall it was a fun day save for the nasty weather. Now I can scratch Ikea off the bucket list and add something new...Maybe skydiving...Hmm...Too high...Maybe the Mall of America.

Me (with Debbie and Missy) a few hours after my Ikea experience. Yeah - I was a bit tired...And a bit less innocent...But still had a certain glow.....

Fun with Movie Maker

2009-06-26T00:25:00.004-04:00

Someone asked me today if I thought I was one of the 'good singers' at karaoke and if I would sing to him if he called me (uh...NO)...I figured I'd let him decide if I was a good singer or not since that's a matter of opinion. So I created the following video just for kicks using a track I recorded a few years ago at my friend's studio. I originally planned to use random photos from my collection just to have something to look at while the song played. But of course, I got carried away and invested a few hours into improvising something that had meaning. This is the result. Thanks, Chuck for being the catalyst! LOL!

Purging the poison

2009-06-24T23:00:00.006-04:00

As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts.

When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.

I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.

And

IT. WAS. WRONG.

I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.

This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.

I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.

I will live.

And life is good.

Goal list

2009-06-20T14:27:00.005-04:00

These have been sitting in my Bible since I wrote them down sometime in the winter. I'm finally getting around to journaling them. currently, these are my lifetime dreams and goals which could obviously change or morph over time...

In no particular order:

1. Visit Australia

2. Visit St. Croix

3. Teach Sozo

4. Have one week without worry

5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation

6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST

7. Cut a CD

8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team

9. Go horseback riding again

10. Knit something ridiculously cool

11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah

12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list.

13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ

14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!).

15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural.

16 . Get rid of all religious lies

17. Walk confidently in complete and total freedom in Christ.

Carpe Diem is in the Bible! :)

2009-06-17T18:09:00.002-04:00

I was reading my Bible last night (Message Version) and this was what I stumbled upon:

"Jesus said, 'no procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's Kingdom off til tomorrow. SEIZE THE DAY'"

- Luke 9:62

Woohoo!

Carpe Diem - Days 2 and 3

2009-06-07T22:34:00.007-04:00

Funny how when you step out of comfort zones you get...well...uncomfortable! Saturday and Sunday were kinda weird...I worried alot. I second guessed a lot...I imagine I'll have lot of that until I get my full grown Eagle's wings... :)

Saturday I saw my girlies at Zen and Now...Theresa and Tracy played "Guido" and got the decree signed for me because I didn't really feel like dealing with the ex - we always end up arguing. I hate that...Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths. Disharmony eats away at me. And I'm not in a place where I can yet let go of my irritation. Planning to maybe take care of that tonight at Monday group - a little clean-up mini-sozo - offering up forgiveness in the presence of supportive friends. Hopefully one day we'll have peace with each other. We're both good people at heart. We just aren't good together.

I took the puppers to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Sometimes I forget to appreciate them. They are such blessings...I watched Bentley run around like he was a youngin', looking happy and free. You'd never know his little heart was such a mess. God has sustained him so much! Sketch is so silly. He's in the little dog park for 30 seconds and he thinks it's his...He'd bark at all the massive dogs headed over to the big dog area and kick up the dirt as if they'd be scared...LOL! I worked on a prayer map for a friend while they played. And then we headed home.

Next big project: Begin setting things in motion for the staged reading of my screenplay. That means getting a cast together for that and securing a date and location, then setting up a rehearsal schedule. This reading will help me hear the script and make any changes that I need to. Kind of like a test run before getting into real production. This is my big God dream...The one that is so ridiculously out of my capapbility that I have to rely on Father God for it to get done...I just hope and pray that it is indeed something He is blessing!

Carpe Diem Day 1

2009-06-07T21:43:00.006-04:00

It all began Friday night. My friend Jim was playing piano at The Syndicate. I had a couple of friends who were going to go with me to see him. But they were called away by cleaning duty at home. So I was left wondering if I should journey down to the piano bar alone. That's when Paul said:

"Carpe Diem...You should go".

...So I did. And had a wonderful evening. Jim played at this huge white Grand Piano which made me think of my beloved Barry Manilow. :) He was taking requests so I asked for "Desperado". I love that song and it brings back a wonderful memory I have of riding in a convertible with Allen across the California desert back in the 90s. Following that someone (not me, I swear!) requested "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. So Jim sang that one and then went right into another Manilow tune "Could it be Magic" - one of my favorites. I listened to the music while writing a letter to Gina - my oldest and dearest friend. I also talked to Jesus for a bit in my journal. Then Jim asked if I wanted to sing something...Yikes! We stumbled through "Open Arms" and I forgot the words to the second verse. Yay for me!

After he was finished playing we went to a sports bar down the street and caught up on stuff. It was good to talk to him. He was also recently divorced and so we had that experience to share. Also were able to talk about what all went down when I left the church I know him from to attend Vineyard Westside full time. I wouldn't have left if I hadn't felt that God was calling me to something else and needed my attention at VWS. To this day I miss the Shiloh worship team. Not singing at church is one of the very few downsides to my walk with Vineyard WS.

The night ended when the drunken frat boys at the booth behind us got too rowdy. Jim walked me to my car and we chatted a few more minutes.

I Finally got in at 2:30 am, party animal that I have become!

Day Seized...And I found God in it (as always!) by reconnecting with a friend and having time to write and pray.

Carpe Diem

2009-06-06T14:12:00.005-04:00

A friend of mine said this to me last night and I don't think he realized when he said it that it would become something so meaningful. I am going to take the rest of the summer to walk out this concept of seizing the day. I have lived a life of fear and in recent years God has been ridding me of it. I have stepped into things that I never would have before without analyzing and hyper-spiritualizing it to the point of paralysis.

What I have learned quite clearly in recent days is that you can follow all the 'rules' and the 'they says' and still end up flat on your ass. So I have been taking the bull by the horns a lot more than I used to and it has been great! I have scraped my knees a few times and taken a horn in the gut more than once. But it beats sitting on the sidelines worrying. I used to think that living life this way was ungodly...I mean, what if you make a mistake? What if you do something bad? What if...What if...What if..?

Well, WHAT IF???

What if God's love for me is so great, and Jesus' provision of grace so complete and the Holy Spirit's leading so perfect that I can step out onto nothing and still be held fast? What if when I fall, God is big enough to help me up, kiss my boo-boos and send me on my way again? What if it is completely possible to find Jesus wherever I go and whatever I do? Rob Bell in "Velvet Elvis" reminds me that all things are mine because I belong to Jesus. Everything on the Earth and in the heavens belongs to Him, and I am in Him and he is in the Father and we are one. What if the best way to work stuff out is to live it out, knowing that as long as I have my eyes on Him I'll be OK? And even if I lose sight for a time, He'll swoop down and catch me - like a parent eagle teaching his eaglet to soar.

So, I'm Seizing Life. My parents raised me well, they taught me well. I am going to take that and the wisdom that God gave me as a spiritual gift and I'm going to run the race. Not beating myself up if I trip and fall but getting back up and keeping pace with the rest of the Saints on the road!

Who wants to join me!!!

CARPE DIEM!

Fired up....

2009-05-13T23:59:00.005-04:00

As a former Pharisee, I am possibly acting like a reformed smoker here but man, these folks ticked me off! A Christian comedian left a status message on Facebook that said:

Evangelical Christians are so pro-marriage that 50% of us do it again

Ok, I know what he was driving at...But of course the majority of the responses were things like "Yeah! What's wrong with people", "Way to speak the truth, man!" "I've been married for 8 bajillion years and I'm all that because I have it all figured out!"...You know what I'm talking about. Well, since this hit close to home, I replied with:

"A large percentage of Christians also think it's OK to shame other Christians for their failures."

Which of course drew the age old 'we're supposed to label sin as sin...Paul tells us so...We're not being judgmental when we say that something that is wrong is wrong" And other such generalities. Some folks actually believed that most people divorce over one spouse leaving their socks on the floor...I mean, WTF?

I tell you, I'm not really struggling with shame anymore for divorcing, God has set me right about that...I am ashamed that I used to be one of these haughty people...God has shown me so much of my own pride lately...OUCH. I put my response here as a record of where I came from and where I am going (which I hope is closer and closer to the authentic message of the Gospel) Truthfully, this could have been written TO me just a few years ago when I thought I had life all figured out and that I was smarter than everyone else because I could quote Scripture. Now I think I get it.

Well, folks, until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, it's kind of hard to decide if their divorce was sinful. Do you know my story? Do you understand what happened between my husband and me that caused the destruction of our marriage? Do you understand how long we stayed together trying to make it work? Do you know the relationship I have with my Father God and how He led me through all this and how he told me from the start that He would be with me no matter which way I chose? And that HE is the one who began pulling me away from a sick cycle that was killing both of us? You all like it when someone stands up and speaks Truth - well, here's something, take your 'church discipline' and your legalism and go look in a mirror. The heart of the gospel is LOVE. Our Lord sets boundaries for us to live in so that we are safe. Guidelines to measure our hearts and make us decide if we are loving one another and the Lord. It isn't about slavery to the 'law' or about sitting on our high horses proclaiming one another's actions as sinful.

What makes any of you qualified to make a blanket statement that a Christian should be 'ashamed' of themselves for divorcing when you have no way of knowing what they have walked through?

The early church was a collection of small communities wherein people knew each other and walked with each other, were familiar with one another's struggles and could speak from that place of understanding, as has my beautiful church family who has held me, loved me, challenged me, listened when I was broken inside. No one dragged me through shame and guilt. And neither does Jesus.

If you want to judge me, go to my Father God and accuse me. I'm certain He will tell you, "I know this situation and it's not yours to speak into. Go about your own business."

Pandora Radio

2009-05-04T23:18:00.002-04:00

I was invited to guest blog on a website called Stuck In the 80s

Here is a sneak preview of the blog...This is the "writers edit" It could be edited down...Dunno how it works...

Being a single mom of two ornery cats, one spoiled Jack Russell and a maltese with a heart condition (aka - a walking pharmacy) I have to skimp on some things - like CDs and i-Tunes purchases. I have loads of vinyl but alas, my turntable is as broke as my bank account. So when this girl is weekend cleaning and has a craving for some good music she turns to Pandora Internet Radio http://www.pandora.com/. Here, I can type in the name of an artist to create a station featuring songs by that artist and similar artists. While I enjoy Pandora overall, past station-creation attempts have been somewhat disappointing. It is, after all, something of a crap shoot.

One recent day, though, Praise be, I stumbled upon the key to Pandora's Box of 80s lovers nostalgia.

Write it down:

KAJAGOOGOO.

In the next two hours as I dusted and vacuumed and straightened and flung, I was transported from 2009 right back to those Wonder Years, in my childhood home listening to Casey Kasem count down the American Top 40 (pick any date in the 1980s). One song after the other, I celebrated upon each opening measure. Not once did I skip a song or wish for it to be over.

Too shy, I ran far away with a Flock of Seagulls. I spent a night in Bankok and visited Rio on a Reflex (extended version - thank you, very much - "Fla-Flex"). I couldn't break Matthew Wilder's stride but I melted with Modern English. I sent a long distance dedication of "Don't you forget about me". I learned to fly again on broken wings and I frolicked with 99 Luft Balloons.

You get the idea. It was one-hit wonder, 80s mega-hit paradise and I relished each and every moment. I encourage any true 80s child to plug in the secret pass code for a trip down memory lane. Once again:

KAJAGOOGOO.

2009-04-19T22:23:00.003-04:00

Just a pondering in my ponderous journey of faith...

A fictional example of man-made doctrine:

Church of the Vine** is the exclusive representation of the Kingdom of God on Earth...No one comes to the Father except through it...Here's how that works:

1. 32.3% of your earnings must be given to the Church of the Vine. Anything less is mortal sin, for God needs your money.

2. Homage must be paid to Papal Majesty Tim**...For he is the exclusive representation of Christ on earth...

3. To request forgiveness of sin, we must make restitution first to Tim...Tim then mediates for us to Mary who mediates to Joseph (a woman could never of course have free access to the Lord. She must speak through her husband) who mediates to Jesus who mediates to God.

4. If we have paid our 32.3% faithfully and have given at least a tenth of our time to serving the church of the vine, then we will be restored to right standing.

5. If we follow this process all the days of our lives we will earn eternal salvation.

Alternately, Scripture teaches:

1. Here's a dude named Jesus. He loves you. He took care of everything. Hang out with him. He says you are Royalty because He is and He wants to share that with you. No strings attached.

Hmmmm....

Why do we make it so hard??

** - NOTE: The similarity to the name of my own church and leadership therein is meant in jest and in no way indicates that we believe any of the sort of man-made doctrine that is cheekily represented here! And you must admit: Papal Majesty Tim has a nice ring to it...