The Fine Art of Falling Apart

2009-10-30T23:28:00.002-04:00

All I want is you.

Where is the face that you know?

She's Got A New Disguise - The Matthew Good Band

2009-10-14T20:28:00.001-04:00

you know the one I bought in Phoenix, where they sell old jewelery.

Above is the photo I took of our Thanksgiving dinner spread. It was tasty. I won't bore you with the details of how I forced lemon herbed butter underneath the skin of the turkey breast and mashed cream cheese into the potatoes. But yummy, nonetheless. Also, the peach pie I decided couldn't be that hard to bake, turned out ok, too.

In my ever changing duties at work, I had to arrange a funeral today. It's the first time I've picked out a plot, bought a casket, or tried to decide on a Catholic or Anglican ceremony. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if this is supposed to be significant to me, or if it's just business as usual. I guess my stomach will decide.

I'm homesick, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I feel when I speak with friends or family, it's just a long list of complaints and no bright spots. I try to keep an eye out for those bright spots but it's been a little more difficult since I've started sharing space with the Italian, and I feel like I can never show my real face, even at home. And I'm not laying blame, it's really just a matter of my own comfort level with things.

So, homesick. Trying to patch together some time off for the beach vacation with Number 4 and some time with my nephews and parents and other sisters. Basically, I don't know how it's going to work. But I'll figure something out. I am thinking for January, so I still have time to work out plans.

It sounds low, but I feel good. The first snow fell and stuck to the ground. I drive around for work, and I see kids out in their snowsuits, making snow angels. They stand up to admire their work, then run off..the still falling leaves of poplars flying behind them in little whirlwinds.

It's enough.

Harder Now That It's Over - Ryan Adams

I will never be with you

2009-10-02T09:05:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't listen to James Blunt in the morning. It's almost too sweet, like eating chocolate or sugary breakfast cereals with very little milk. Marshmellow shapes that melt in your mouth or turn your milk into rainbow colours. Too sweet.

I guess I am all done with driving to Yellowknife for awhile. The blanket of freezing temps and glittery snow will soon descend upon us and it will be like a quiet numbing feeling that will linger until the first breath of Spring comes back around. It all presents itself like a cycle in my mind. Round, circular, the only thing really different being the year. 2003, 2006, 2008. I am looking forward to the snow. I've got pellets for the stove in my house, blankets to cover my bed, and somehow, a guy to keep the sheets warm for me when I jump in (not necessary but nice to have, nonetheless).

I'm up at a good time, hoping I will leave the house so I am not late for work again. There is heavy frost on the car, Alessandro stood at the kitchen window in front of the sink, waiting for his truck to warm up. Good morning kisses still surprise me, but aren't unpleasant.

I still cling helplessly to things from the past, but it's comforting in an anchoring sort of way. Like a small way to remember how I used to be. That girl. Then I realise in short blasts of clarity that people are ever evolving and that the same is true for myself. A constantly changing orb of colour.

But now it's time to choose the eyeshadow colour of the day. Greens? Blues? Pinks seem to lame. I want something punchy. Looking forward to a new haircut this evening. Nothing really different, just cleaner, more defined bangs. Yeth!

Polaroid fun

2009-09-23T10:12:00.001-04:00

Someone sent me the link to convert photos into a 'polaroid'. I have one pack of 10 photos left of actual polaroid film and have been hoarding it for good times. But I can never seem to decide what would be a good time. So, here is a way I can have 'sort of' Polaroid shots. Very cute and handy, this program. I love it so far.

If I'm not on the internet fooling around with stuff like this, I'm wrapped up in my head, trying to think my way out the situation I've gotten myself into.

I should clarify that it's not a bad situation, just one I am unfamiliar with and I don't know how to navigate my way because it's like I'm lost at sea, and am surrounded by fog. Writing that, I can hear the creaking wood of an old ship, the snap of the sails in the wind, and even the scent of salt on the air. I'm just feeling a bit lost.

There is nothing 'wrong' with my relationship, but I do feel as though I should be looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing. And this is to my own detriment. I know I should relax and just enjoy what's happening, but I just can't. It's too much of an alien situation for me to become too comfortable. I worry about the future, I worry about what I want, or what I think I want, or what I 'should' want.

I've had a toothache since Saturday and that doesn't really help things. It makes me whiny (in my head), and uncomfortable and all too much time to think. Which could be the killer in this event. I can think my way out of or into anything.

And right now, I feel the urge to run. I am thinking of leaving for the weekend, holing up in a hotel somewhere and just be alone. I have the urge to jump on a plane this weekend, go to my mother's and hide out in her basement. Or some tropical place, where no one knows me and I can hide behind my sunglasses and multiple fruity alcoholic drinks.

that's what it is, really. I want to be alone. Like I used to be. That at least, is familiar.

2009-09-20T03:47:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I am reminded. That I love my dad.

2009-09-15T19:32:00.001-04:00

Ah, it's always the light that catches my eye. Draws me in, like a fish chasing a feathered lure. I swim through the dark and hone in on the shiny bits of the room.

The show in Yellowknife was good. The crowd had great energy and I came away feeling a bit like my old self.

Photos and all. Driving hours on ribbons of highway unfolding itself in front of me. Music blaring, cigarettes and just the thoughts in my head. The sights I see.

2009-09-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

Sitting in a hotel room in Yellowknife. This is starting to feel like a habit or something. I'm even in the same room I had before. Interesting.

I ended up coming back for the Hey Rosetta! show. Which was great. So much energy, and it felt good to see a live show again. It's been awhile. Took a lot of photos, I'll post something when I get home.

Now, I have to gather myself up and head back to Hay River so I can be on call for the next week. *sigh*

I picked up a special treat for my friend Sam and a tshirt for myself. Hope it fits. :)

They played Becky, I keep singing this song.

Loved. It.

When you gonna flower?

2009-08-31T10:24:00.001-04:00

My Morning Glory plant has finally flowered.I've been patiently watering it, and hoping it bloomed before the frost came to zap it dead on my front deck. Finally a reward in the square shaped blue blooms came to me this week. I just want to stare at them. Beautifully symmetrical and blue.

I'm back in Yellowknife for work reasons. I elected to drive this time so I can enjoy some serious alone time and get back in the groove of driving which I used to love so much. So armed with the 10 mixed cds I made for myself, my camera and a lot of cigarettes, I ventured out and 5 hours later arrived in Yellownife with a sigh of regret that the first part of the trip was over. Checked into the hotel and settled down for a night of reading and tv background. It was lovely.

And I only saw 3 buffalo on the side of the road. So I stopped for a photo, with one food on the brake and eyes on the massive animal that could have charged my car at any moment he felt necessary. I wasn't prepare for how large these things are up close. This is about 20 feet away.

I left my home life behind which wasn't necessary, just felt normal. But laying in bed last night and thinking, I realised it will be nice walking into a house that another has been breathing in for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder how I got into this. Other times, I realise it's just a frog in the pot thing. Something I gradually got used to, and was in the situation before I realised anything was completely different.

Those Italian text messages aren't enough to make me come undone.

Love don't mean a thing.

2009-08-12T09:43:00.000-04:00

I leave little messages for you here
I'm not at the point yet, of lighting one cigarette off the end of another. But getting close. Seems all I'm doing lately is smoking. In the car, half smokes because the rides are so short. Or I get bored during break time so I don't finish a full cigarette. Maybe it's making things bleak in my round world, not sure. I broke the new iPod dock already.

I bought a beautiful sky blue couch at a yardsale on the weekend. But it won't go into the tiny doors of the trailer (yes, I live in a trailer) other than the main doors. It will go through the backdoor, but that's on the other side of the house. So it's making my front porch quite homey for the time being. At least, until I can hire someone to move it for me.

Heartache shine a light...down on me tonight
I woke up alone for the first time in a little while, it made me feel disoriented. But I eventually kicked that lame feeling out of my head and remembered that I enjoy waking up to an empty bed. Just seemed...odd, at first. But I was so cranky yesterday that I suspect I wasn't all that successful in pretending I didn't care that he left in the middle of the night, not waking me because he knows sleep is precious. But I guess I couldn't help but feel a tad disgruntled.

Photos I took years ago are popping into my mind. Not in relation to what I'm feeling, they just appear like debris on a beach, washing ashore from a plane crash. I pick them up, examine them for meaning. But no possible puzzle combinations seem to fit, or make sense.

Work's stressing me out. Which is a good sign, in my mind. This means I'm busy, and getting back into a groove I used to inhabit. I know it shouldn't but work does really define me. It keeps me in line. Makes me participate.
it gets me lying sideways
Black storm clouds rolled in last night. The air turned cool, and rain soaked the ground for 3 hours. I splashed through puddles on my way to the airport to see someone off safely. I watched the jet taxi out, then take off, leaving nothing but white showers of mist behind it. Those turbines made reluctant water move as if it were on fire. I thought about my camera. I thought about a lot of things, my face on one side of the window, rain drops on the other.

I wanted to be on that jet, too. I just don't know where I'd end up.

She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good.

what could I tell you that wouldn't just scare you?

2009-08-06T15:12:00.005-04:00

Listening to Hawksley Workman, cycling through the old stuff I've never heard and the usual stuff I adore. What a man. Had a sweet little dream about him last night. What a man.

But anyway, I took the afternoon off to ramp up for my On Call work thing that starts tomorrow. I was also extremely cranky this morning, and felt that I should not be in the office before I wig out on someone for no good reason. Mostly, I'm just tired from last night. I woke up every hour, maybe getting about 20 minutes out of each hour actually sleeping. It sucked.

So, nap time this afternoon.

If I've been clear at all in my past few posts, I am absolutely obsessed with eye makeup right now. I came across this girl that does videos on Youtube for tutorials and tips, that sort of thing. Very useful and handy. And it's nice to see someone not afraid to use a lot of kickass colour. So if you're into it, her blog is here where you will find links to her Twitter and Youtube action.
http://www.vintageortacky.com

My link action hasn't been so hot lately, not sure why. I blame Blogger, personally. That will be something that will be addressed at the new site (whenever it gets finished...I have a hard time deciding on stuff!).

Chapters finally came through and a lot of new books were delivered today, along with a Yoga/Pilates dvd set I had ordered (in a fit of insanity) while in the Arctic...even though they had already sent me the set back before I moved here. So, two sets of dvds that I never, ever use. *sigh* Wish it could be like...two copies of a fabulous book or something.

In any event, the new books I have are awesome. I am going to read one until I get sleepy for a nap this afternoon. The problem will be trying to figure out which one goes first.

Decisions, decisions...

What Could I Tell You - Hawksley Workman

2009-08-06T02:15:00.001-04:00

It's been over a month since I've been home from my awesome Ireland trip. Feels like ages ago I was taking a ferry back from Inishbofin with Irish rockstars and my best, true friend Anne.

I guess I've been thinking about the trip a lot lately, more in terms of housing, obtaining a Visa, how to support myself, etc. Just a few thoughts to file away for future ideas.

My lover just left and I'm eating a bowl of dark red Bing cherries, sitting in front of my laptop, my long fingernails are making tapping noises on the keyboard but I'm not overly sure if what I am thinking is translating to the page. A learning process. I pushed past my boundaries and basically told him what was bothering me. And it feels we cleared the air.

While I'd like to think we are adults, I am hoping there is no fall-out from this discussion. Just a thought.

Back to the cherries, and then some sleep time. It's way past.
night, sweet cherries.

Makeup, Hawksley and a new lover.

2009-08-02T01:53:00.003-04:00

I'm watching a live version of Paper Shoes by Hawksley Workman on Youtube. I'm not normally a Youtube kind of girl but I make exceptions for all things Hawksley. Or makeup related.

But here's the link for Paper Shoes. don't you get lazy on me, sweet honey baby...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mslOvrrCxpA
He talks about playing Risk instead of making love. Hilarious. Great showman, for sure.

Friends over to make dinner yesterday. Lots of Pinot Noir and red sauce (made from scratch, another bonus of hanging around a guy from Italy--he has the ability to cook real food) and good conversation. Getting more comfortable with having someone around. Did I mention the reading of Dante's Inferno in the original Italian? *grin*. Right.

Alessandro's hands. A hands photo to add to my collection.

A quick shot while he's pretending to sleep.

power. balance. power.
I'm always fascinated with the angles and lines of a new face. Something for me to look at, something new to touch and be touched by. It's interesting. I horde my alone time, and it's ok that way. I dig it. I smear yellow eye shadow over my lids and the mascara is so sharp and black that it's almost enough to cut like a blade. I dig it.

I would have taken more photos but my battery charger is totally missing in action. I've no idea where I put it, which is too bad because there seem to be so many photo ops lately. When I think to look for it, my attention is usually then drawn elsewhere. I will have to write it on a pink Post-it and stick it to the mirror in order to refocus my attention on what's important.

Document, document, document.

2009-07-29T23:04:00.001-04:00

Hey all,
I've finally taken the step to have a site designed the way I like it. This will include pulling together all my photos, writings, blogging and at together in one spot and will look FAB from what I hear.

so, here's a littel teaser to get the juices going....

http://www.abstractmagdalene.com/

Waking up from a long sleep to find myself in the clearing of a green forest.

2009-07-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

A part of my life that I haven't been paying attention to for the past while has revealed itself, demanding attention. So, since I listen to what my head says (most times) I said ok, lets go. I started seeing Alessandro and am just feeling things out very, very slowly. Not typical Gish-way, at all. Usually I rush into things, and examine the pieces after the fact. But this time, I'm content with taking it slow.

This is for a multitude of reasons that I don't know I can explain here. Perhaps another time. But rest assured, it's fun in a weird sort of way and I absolutely *love* the fact that he can read Dante's Inferno to me in the original Italian. That's what I get for dating a guy from Milan. Score! (literary score, at least).

Oh yeth.

Just a shot of my bag when I was on my way from Scotland back to Ireland in June. I had it crammed full of stuff. The top layer being exposed has all of the essentials I would need to grab at a moments notice. The middle and bottom layers having clothes, books and other things I wouldn't need while in transit.

Notice the awesome Clinique makeup travel kit. Fab buy in Duty free. The iPod, a necessity. Travel journal. British cigarettes, galaxy bar in case I needed sustenance and my new Fluff wallet that I adore even though I've always been into smaller, non-girly sorts of wallets.

Joy in small places:
- I am having a cup of Kickass (a brand of strong coffee beans) coffee, in bed while I update my journal.
- The Ghost of You Lingers by Spoon just came on the iPod in the other room, love that song.
- Bailey, satisfied from his morning activities, is sleeping at the foot of the bed.
- I got out of bed reasonably early this morning.
- Alessandro has soccer this evening and I may go and watch.
- did I mention my coffee tastes amazing this morning?
- I cleaned my bedroom yesterday so it is reasonably tidy now.
- new makeup coming from Sephora!
- new books and personal products coming in the mail, too!
- going to try a different eyeshadow combo for today.
- My new bedsheets are amazing!

Makeup and getting ready for work time.

something new and exciting coming soon.

2009-07-20T02:07:00.001-04:00

Now that I am in my right mind, I can write an ordinary sort of post and not that nonsense of the last one. But since I never edit posts...it's up to me to leave it up. Punishment for my own indulgence in silly, silly affairs of the heart that I should have grown out of a long, long time ago.

As for the subject line, I shouldn't say soon. It could be long time in the making and god knows I change my mind often enough. But keep your eyes peeled on this page. Something is going to show up eventually and it's going to be kickass. I promise.

Just wanted to pop over here really quick and update (like I used to, daily). I have a guilty confession to make. I spent the entire day on the internet. And I mean, since I woke up until I am about to log off to try to sleep because I need to be up by 5:30.

Nuts, I know. Crazy, hells yeah. But I've been pretty absent from the internet for a few days and I like to keep in touch with everyone and everything, so I sat down for a serious session today. Got a lot done, too. Some writing. Photo editing. Made up a photobook to get printed at some point. Mostly when I feel less guilty for blowing almost 300 dollars at Amazon.com the other day, and then another 100 at Sephora.com today. But it's been awhile since I've indulged (Ireland doesn't count in this equation as I mostly bought stuff for other people). So new makeup and the entire series of The Wire will be arriving for me soon.

I wish I could say that I am more excited about the dvds, but in all honesty...I wish I had the television with which to see them better with. Insurance still hasn't gotten around to figuring out my claim and so I watch everything on my laptop. Which is fine. But...I kinda wanted to watch The Wire on a big screen.

Other news: I'm going to figure out how to make my own stretchers and stretch my own canvas if it kills me. I'm not the most dexterous person when it comes to assembling wooden things, but I'm determined. If the hardware store was open today, I would have had some kind of result by now, but nope. Must wait for more time off, even though technically I was working this weekend. I have more canvas ready to be stretched/gesso-ed bought from the hardware store the other day, so it's all in motion.

A photo of my feet, relaxing at the cliff's edge on one of the Aran Islands in Ireland.

Time for sleep. It's midnight here. I'm kind of jumpy, because I keep waiting for my beeper to go off. But I'll try for sleep in any case. I am totally liking where I am right now. The inspiration is pouring in for words, colour and photo clicks.

Stay with me, baby. I'll wake you when the telephone rings. It's all just nonsense, anyway.
Love,
Gish.

My golem.

2009-07-16T17:06:00.003-04:00

Hear me out...

I still care for you...
Don't ask. I'll tell. I guess I always tell.

keep having this dream, in the night where it seems I can fly, but only when no one's around.
I was driving somewhere yesterday, caught sight of someone who looked so familiar that it went straight to my stomach and sat there like a happy little present. It gave me a little glow that faded by the time I lit my next cigarette. But things like that always bring stuff to the front of my mind. It mingles there with my Day Planner, my Post-it notes, and my endless cups of coffee that fuel my working day. In among all of the other names, and possibilities that are thrown my way (increasingly so, lately), you're still there.
Can't you see what you mean to me?
I know it's lame. But there it is. Again.

I write this in a moment of weakness. My defenses are down. My mouth still frozen and swollen from the dentist. My eye makeup is perfect But my eyes are glassy. I'm bruised and in some pain physically and that makes it easier for emotion to sneak in.

I keep having this thought that you don't even exist and I just made you up.
I'm aware that this is completely in the abstract, that I've most likely constructed a golem of you in my mind. And that I don't know you anymore. A figure of plaster and paint and mud, wearing the bright blue that grace the statues of the Virgin Mary's. Something someone puts on their dashboard. In hope. But I don't have any hope with your statue. It's more like a keepsake. A reminder of something that flared up so briefly in my bruised up little heart all those years ago that made a lasting sore there that aches every so often.

So, I'll take these thoughts to bed with me, under the covers with a flashlight.

Click on. Click off.

I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne
Becky, I Keep Singing This Song - Hey Rosetta!

You'll change your mind come Monday.

2009-07-13T20:11:00.000-04:00

375

I've spent a lot of my spare time lately, puttering around the house and putting various things designed for living, into their 'rightful' places. Although, truth be told, that doesn't explain why I have most of my camera equipment stored in a kitchen cupboard by the stove. I think this is the spot where people usually put their drinking glasses. Not sure. Accessible, that's for sure. And it makes sense to me.

Just a quick shot of the new digs. This is after I've unpacked everything, and bought a few things from local garage sales (gotta love the coffee table set for 15 dollars).

And of course, Bailey walking across my line of sight.

Today was another Absinthe green eye day. Tomorrow will be purples. I have come to like categorizing the mood I wake up in, with the colour I put over my eyelids. For now.

I should be contemplating the huge amount of laundry that has collected in my bedroom but right now I am obsessed with getting a kickass set of oil pastels. Gone are the days (for the time being, at least) of going out to an art supply store on a whim and buying what I want, when I want it. That sucks. I checked the two places that *might* have something, and came up empty. Even from the store that claims to have art supplies. A couple of sketch pads and colouring pencils do not count as art supplies, in my mind. Maybe for a 6th Grader.

Mind you, don't be surprised if I come home with those very things on the weekend. I'm desperate for colour. I've got a few large-ish sized canvasses in the next room, waiting for me to ruin them with thoughts and ideas. I can hardly wait. The gesso isn't even dry, yet.

In other news, a childhood friend (and artist) surprised me by asking if he could do a portrait of, well...me. I said yes, and when possibilities were mentioned, he brought up sculpture. I said, hell yes. I can hardly wait to see what he comes up with. Burning to know, in fact.

Gotta run. Hot Dogs are getting cold.

watch out: girl talk

2009-07-09T21:08:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. Another photo of my awesomeness. I just can't help it, I suppose. Kidding. I bought this Urban Decay thing on the plane in Duty Free. It's called the Book of Shadows and has 16 different shades of eye shadow. It's *amazing* I like rich colour, different colours and something that just looks like it will be awesome on your eyelids, other than the ordinary browns and pinks that most girls seem to favour.

I'm talking Absinthe green and Protest (which is what I am wearing in above photo) along with Chanel mascara (best mascara I have ever tried and will procure as soon as I can figure out how to get it here). Also purples, some shocking pinks with glitter, colds, a dark blue called Goddess. And black of course. I've already tried a combo of the dark blue with a light green called Shattered. Another day was a light and dark pink called Grifter and Last Call respectively. The little set also comes with two brushes (which work surprisingly well) and a tube of eyelid primer (who knew we needed such a thing). The primer works amazingly well. Keeps the shadow in place all day, no creasing or movement.

Anyhow, I've decided to dry a different combo every day. But now I just want more Urban Decay shadows. I have had one dark purple one called Ransom which Chunk gave me awhile ago (she said I'd better use it because it cost her $30 dollars) and yeah, I definitely use it when I want to punch things up a little. It has proven to be a very good product. More Urban Decay for me.

But now, I'll be wearing crazy colours on my eyes all the time. Yay me!

In other news, I've posted more photos on Flickr. Just a shot of the living area. I hope to get some photos done this weekend, I have some ideas that I'm kicking around and if I can get the light right, then game on.

I'm also planning a trip to San Francisco in January. There's a conference there that work will pay for me to attend, and I will add a few extra days to hang with Jet and Marie. It will be fun. I wish I could go have brunch at that diner in Malibu, hee hee.

Gotta run. Movie time and Bailey is trying to tell me a story.
night, kids.

it's all just pictures in your mind

2009-07-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

You’re holding her hand…
I know I’ve only just gotten back from a month long vacation, and in fact have only been living in current location for less than 3 months, but my need to plan things out past one year has kicked in again.

I blame the not-being-on-vacation melancholy. Yes, I am bringing that up again.

Regardless, I’ve been looking at Grad schools and have come up with a tidy little list of which to apply to. I’ve started looking early because I know I’ll leave it to the last moment and turn in a terrible application. Those statements of purpose really, really kick me in the junk with respect to what I want to say, and what I actually put down on paper. This is mostly because I am lazy, not unable. Lame, I know.

The plan is to apply to attend the Fall of 2010, at which point I will have been here for over a year and will decide on whether or not I want to stay in this particular community and job, or if I want to head somewhere else (I mean, after I finish school). Currently, I’m really leaning towards Dalhousie University. It sounds amazing.

Joy in small places today and yesterday:
- it’s Friday!
- Yesterday was taco day in the cafeteria, which was cool.
- Pay day today, meaning potato chips for snacks tonight.
- It’s almost lunch time, and we are all going to a restaurant.
- Hawksley is playing in Alberta next week. I am contemplating attending despite the promised 12 hour drive to venue.
- I'm picking up a 6 pack of Guiness after work to swill in the privacy of my own home.
- Pay day also means grocery shopping, and cherries have arrived...woo.
- Even though I want to sleep in for the next two days, I have plans to meet up with new friends for frivilous garage-sale-ing and fish and chips at Fishermen's Wharf (an actual wharf with vendors).

Lots to get done this weekend, I think. I need to prepare the packages of presents I bought for the family, so they can be mailed off sometime next week (have to hunt around for right sized boxes). Clean the one last room that Bailey has messed up in the house (seriously, I'm not just blaming the dog). Groceries. Maybe a barbecue tank (not sure because I might blow myself up hooking it up). Small household things that I need to get a move on.

I had a fire going on Canada Day, while I was reading on the couch. It was nice. But I think I miss my television now. *grin*

I want to take my time.

2009-06-28T23:15:00.001-04:00

I'm tired, but don't feel like going to bed. I want to keep reading a book I've read before, on the couch in the living room, covered with an Indian print sheet of fabric I picked up in Galway. The quiet cleanliness of the living area and the sound of a light rain pattering on the poplar leaves outside is a balm on what ails me.

I don't really know what ails me. Nothing new, I suppose.

Cigarettes I light, burn too quickly in the ashtray. There isn't enough time from when I wake up to going back to bed to fit in all the leisure activities I want to indulge in. I guess this is where the wish to be independently wealthy comes in.

Grateful for joy in small places.
- I still have a carton of 'Irish' cigarettes left in the freezer.
- there was no ring on his left hand.
- my washing machine works perfectly.
- the water that comes out of the faucet is hot and ready.
- Matt gave us a preview of a track from upcoming album on his website.
- my living room is unpacked and I have a new reading perch.
- the wind billows the dining room curtains in a quiet wispy way.
- the rain.
- I have 14 new-to-me movies to get through.
- Bailey is starting to forgive me.
- my laptop still plays music to me, like a lover.
- I bought a new copy of Micheal Clayton and have watched it 3 times since I got home.

Above photo was taken shortly before we left Inishbofin to get back to mainland in Ireland. I lagged behind, smoking and taking photos. Thinking to myself. Lighting more cigarettes.

I'm told one will be in a funk after a vacation. While feeling not too bad, there are small periods of melancholy that sneak in. I take this to be normal. For me, anyhow. I catch myself planning another big move and mentally tell myself to stop, enjoy the current location as it's only been a couple of months and everything is good here (so far). I feel like a shark that can't stop moving.

I feel like I could like the taste of blood.

where my people come from.

2009-06-24T19:21:00.001-04:00

there's something in the way you move...
I'm back home now, in the Northwest Territories of Canada. The trees burst into green flame while I was away, everything seems to be the same colour as it was in Ireland, minus the almost carnal colours of the blossoms and blooms that entranced me. But there's a lot to be said for velvet greenery, in any case.

As for me and my house, it is not in order. I came home to the quiet chaos I ordinarily live with and when confronted with that, as compared to how other people live, I cringed and shut the door behind me. Surveying the mess, I decide to put off any cleaning duties minus laundry until the weekend, when I can dedicate a day or two to it. A piece of furniture appeared in my absence, it will house my collectibles nicely.

Sometimes, I think I ought to do the dishes daily, and sweep, dust and complete a multitude of household tasks that normal people do. But then I think, screw it. I can live with dust and a few dirty dishes. It just takes a little getting used to, when I came home this time.

Bailey, one of the furry loves of my life, was happy to hear my voice and we just hung around last night watching Michael Clayton and eating Big Macs (he likes the pickles and I had to bring the McD food in from Yellowknife). I slept in my own bed (of 2 months) and liked it. I guess I like it, enough.

But, in my little bruised up purple coloured heart, I miss Galway. I mostly miss the people, maybe. Not sure. I just feel sad about having to leave and come back. I'm not used to that bit. Usually I am glad to see the last of one place and return and/or go back to another place. Remember with me, it's usually about the journey, not the destination.

I dreamnt last night that I saw you...
But I feel as though I really clicked with that place. My footsteps on cobbled stone and tiny doorways where I was constantly banging my elbows and knees. Ireland felt too small for me but I somehow shrank and it seemed to fit.

In any event, I also went to Scotland for a short trip. A sort of pilgrimage to where my father's people came from. The house is still there, ruins of it. But that's where my father's family originated. For the longest time, being a Native Canadian, a First Nations person, I used to long for a place where I could go that part of me came from. I didn't know of this family history until a few years ago, and since then had wanted to go there, touch the stones and feel it.

So, I did.

Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good
A Single Spark Explosion - Matthew Good

themselves, and nothing less

2009-06-13T19:30:00.000-04:00

In Ireland. It really is as green as you would imagine it. I take photos, and agonize over which ones to post to Flickr and gab on about. I've trawled shops and acquired many new things to drape over my body and adorn my face. I even went on a tour bus to check out Irish countryside.

I'm in new Brand heaven, almost overwhelmed with the choice of different kinds of cheese and what to drink in the grocery stores. I don't particularly care for chocolate but seem to be eating a lot of it. Galaxy bars seem to be the fave, so far.

I'm having a great time talking with my old best friend from High school. She's getting cozy in her nest, awaiting the birth of her first child with her awesome husband (who I really dig because he's himself, no matter what). I wish all of mine could be so happy.

Above shot was taken in Connemarra. I wanted to stop and pet the sheep but they probably wouldn't have liked me anyhow. They reminded me of Bailey.

I'm aware I post a lot of photos of myself. Quite the opposite of early journal days. But here's another, taken in a little Mexican restaurant a couple of days ago. My awesome new 70's style sunglasses and air of aloofness that I am eager to break. Aloofness, not sunglasses. I like this photo. I feel pretty when I look at it.

I'm a little awed by the Chanel mascara sample (something I covet but would never pay for) and the little things I pick out in tiny shops all over the place. Indian print fabrics, jangly bracelets and a huge moonstone ring to grace my ring finger on the left hand. Scarves of many colours and some shoes that punished my feet for the past few days but in the face of fashion (and how awesome the shoes are) I wear, still.

All in all, it's been great here so far. I would consider moving here (why not?) as it's a good a place as any. But who knows what the future holds for the next big move. Here I am, barely settled into Hay River, and already planning my next jump. I just need to relax for a little while. In 3 months I'll be ready to start planning.

In any event, must get going. It's bed time here and a new friend is taking my to the Cliffs of Moher tomorrow morning. Can't wait.

Also, a short trip to Scotland on the 17th to see where my father's people come from. Exciting, exciting.

Sleep tight, dear ones.

even here, you cross my mind like a breeze. Happy belated Birthday.

We both know...

2009-05-30T12:41:00.000-04:00

hold my hand...until the morning
It's T minus 3 hours to lift off from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. I'm sitting in my hotel room, interneting. Reading National papers and listening to music. Just enjoying the alone time that I covet so much (although I have tons of it, I always want more).

I packed very light. I have a small hot pink hardcase piece of luggage and my backpack which I carry on. Much of my stuff is scattered around the hotel room like a timeline, which pieces of clothing I've worn over the past week. Eyedrops, makeup and headphones spilling out of the drawer beside the bed.

I was wide awake at 8 this morning. Now I feel like I could nap peacefully for an hour. But I'll hold off so I can rest on the plane. I think the ride from Edmonton to Toronto is about 4 hours, long enough for a nap and various other activities.

I just have to repack things tightly into my bag and away I go onto the next bit of travelling. I'm looking forward to spending time with part of my family in London for a couple of days before heading to Ireland on Tuesday.

I'll keep updating while I'm away, I think. I'm also trying to figure out a way to get to Scotland on a short trip to see the family 'ruins'. Timing will be tight but I think it can be done.

Pictures of Scottish moors....wooo!!

Stop Joking Around - Hawksley Workman.

Where were you when we were getting high?

2009-05-25T09:24:00.001-04:00

I'm in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories sitting in the tiniest hotel room I've ever seen. I keep bumping into furniture to get to the bathroom. I'm not used to making little curving motions when moving. As if I'm am driving my body like a car around sharp corners.

I turned 33 the other day. Someone got a cake, sang the song (which I hate) and we all consumed sugary goodness for a few minutes while discussing travel plans and various other topics that came to mind. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

In other news, I've begun the first leg of my 'vacation'. I spend a week in Yellowknife for work related duties, then fly to Toronto from here on Saturday. Not soon enough, in my mind, but we all have to complete these things in order to move to the next level.

I feel terrible for leaving Bailey while I'm away. That's the thing with owning animals...one must remember that when getting another. So he's at the house, sleeping in our bed and probably wondering why some old guy is taking him outside and not me.

The photo above is something I took while on a mini hike near Alexandria Falls. There are poplars here and they smell so good in the spring.

it's Spring!!!

honking dogs and late for work. Again.

2009-05-21T15:19:00.001-04:00

I feel like my eyeballs are drenched in code. Swimming little quotation marks, back slashes and the pointy bracket symbols. All swirling around up there above my eyes.

I forgot to set my alarm last night. I awoke at 7:30 and scrambled, running around trying to figure out which activity I had to forego in order to make it to work on time. Coffee? Nope, kind of need that at this point? Makeup? Yup, I can live without black eyeliner for one day. Selecting awesome outfit? Yup, t-shirt and jeans today pulled randomly from closet. Half hour wake up call on the internet? Nope, I need to read the bare bones of online versions of the CBC and newspapers before I get out of bed. It’s just a habit. Makes me feel like I’m still ‘with it’ down South.

So, coffee steeping, taking the dog outside for his morning constitutional and frantically putting all ‘morning’ must haves in a priority list in my head, I was able to get to work.

5 minutes early.

In other news, Bailey has Kennel Cough. This must be the 3rd time he’s gotten it since I adopted him almost a year ago. I find it odd he gets this but is never in contact with any other dogs, so I’m not sure where he picks it up. He’s getting better now, but for the past week or so he’s been honking every hour, waking me up in the middle of the night. Lots of water and a few extra treats seem to make him feel less of a moron. Although really, you’d have to ask him.

Slowly mentally preparing for impending trip overseas. I’ll be spending all of next week in Yellowknife on some work business, then flying straight to Toronto from there to spend a couple of days with my nephews. I leave for Ireland on the 2nd. All that comes to mind is climbing in and out of airplanes. Weird how my mind organizes things.

The photo above is my darling Buckley and fluffy Beebs at my parents house. Taken by Number 4. On one hand, I want to bring those two to live with me here but I’m not sure how long I will stay…so, it’s hard to decide. Traveling would be rough on them both, and even though I’ve dragged Beebs all over Ontario, I feel it would be terrible to drag her to the other side of the country. Decisions, decisions.