passionately pensive

movie ratings: redefined

2009-12-27T18:40:00.004-06:00

Such as, the G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17 rating system only tells one (on a subjective and rudimentary level) about the amount of crude language or behavior contained in a film,

And such as, the five star critic ratings are highly subjective and terribly user-unfriendly,

We (the former roommate and I) resolve to create a new film rating scale. It is highly informative about the type of movie so that you don't cluelessly wander into a showing of Dear Zachary ready to get your heart warmed and find your sleeve so drenched in tears that you start to wipe your nose with your shoelaces. That would be gross.

Established rating types are as follows:

H is for happy. Guaranteed happy resolution to plotlines are sometimes required by the viewer. An H rating means the ending will be HAPPY, not bizarre, poorly resolved, or angry. All endings will be happily ever after a la Cinderella Disney style.

D is for depressing. Sometimes you want to commiserate in other's misery. A D rating will guarantee you a plotline that mucks about in the underbelly of the emotive world. Depressing, it should be noted, is not always bad, but is bad when you are in the wrong mood to be depressed.

CW is for cry worthy. Tears will be jerked by all but the cold-hearted when a CW is given to a film.

F is for funny. You will laugh. Genuine hilarity contained in all F rated films. Not the crude, stupid, awkward, or idiocy contained in some "comedy" movies. F is for genuinely funny movies only.

W is for winner. When a movie is a winner, it gets a W. Who decides what defines a winner? Hm. Gotta figure that one out.

As such, the movies I have seen this Christmas time are rated in the following manner:

Up in the Air: D for depressing
Paper Heart: F for funny, H for happy
The Hangover: F for funny

Do you have more rating types to add? How would you rate movies that you have seen of late?

things i've learned in 2009

2009-12-22T09:41:00.003-06:00

9. My sister is a literal communicator.

This is big because I am not. At all. Learning that she communicates literally, especially when stressed, has reduced our sisterly conflicts. This learning I attribute to my future brother-in-law.

8. I don't like technical writing.

This is no surprise really. But I tried my hand at writing some curriculum this year and learned that writing instructions to an unknown audience made my skin crawl.

7. Reading schedules work for me.

I got in to a habit of studying and reading every morning around 9am. That is, the days I am in the office. This is the best time for me. Any earlier and I am a walking zombie (don't ask how I managed to teach coherently at 8am), later and I am distracted by the day. Schedules work... for me.

6. I can bake.

This was revelatory. I always liked to cook, but now, suddenly, I like to bake. I bought a box of parchment paper and my world changed.

5. I can dance?

This one is still mystifying/under debate.

4. Roommates make life easier.

3. Dreams never work out as planned.

The sleeping dream twists and wanders and gets jumbled by the beeping trash truck and blaring radio clock alarm. Likewise, life's dreams.

2. My family is filled with brilliant warm-hearted people.

I love them. And I am biased in thinking that they are greater than most. But I don't care.

1. Faith is fleeting. Truth is not.

favorite books I read in 2009 by ill-formed category

2009-12-18T11:23:00.004-06:00

Fiction

Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri
Lahiri is my favorite contemporary writer and I prefer short stories. So this book hits the spot every time I touch it. I can almost understand why the Pultizer Committee didn't give Lahiri a second prize because Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout is almost equally delightful. Almost. (Delightful might be the wrong word.)

Youth Ministry

Youth Ministry 3.0 by Mark Oestreicher
You can read my review here. This book encourages, informs and inspires. It also breaks down some barriers between new media and old media.

General Ministry

The Forgotten Ways by Alan Hirsch
I nodded so much as I read this book (in both agreement and eye-opening awe) that I strained my neck. Eloquent, intelligent, and challenging. I quoted it so often in conversation that I almost acronymned it FW to save time, but then I realized W is a three-syllable letter.

Other-Jesus-y

Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller
Keller hits it out of the park and straight to the gut on this one. He doesn't allow the reader any space to feel self-righteous and somehow manages to give the Gospel in it's full force. The revelations in this book are ongoing in the path of life.

Memoir

Angry Conversations with God by Susan Issacs
Susan Issacs isn't winning a Pulitizer for her writing craft, but she is killer in the laughs department. I think I laughed out loud ten times in the introduction alone. Those threatened by snark should not read. Though said people probably aren't reading anywhere near here anyway.

Other Non-fiction

I didn't read enough other non-fiction to have a favorite. I suppose that means I have my work cut out for me this coming year.

What were your favorite books that you read in 2009 by ill-formed category or otherwise?

gift-free, for the wrong reasons

2009-12-17T14:30:00.003-06:00

I'm not giving Christmas gifts this year.

Well. I am, KIND OF.

I'm giving a few small things to people that have given a lot in ministry this year. But those don't count because they are WORK RELATED.

My family put a moratorium on gift-giving this year for a rather ignoble cause considering the reasons most go gift free (ending poverty comes to mind): My sister is getting married on January 2nd. We are elated for the wedding and I should say for the record they aren't having one of THOSE WEDDINGS where plates of food cost more than any dress I've ever owned. Yet anyone who has thrown a large party knows the cost involved for the couple and their families and anyone who has to wear a matchymatch outfit.

So we quit the gift-gadzooka business in order to be balanced in a budgetary sense. And yet the clarity of mind that has come from setting aside the gifts has been nothing short of fantastic.

I am looking forward to Christmas for Christmas Eve worship with my cousins, parents, sister and her future husband, aunts and uncles, not-cousins, and not-grandma. I'm looking forward to pajama time on Christmas morning (err, day). I'm looking forward to seeing my friends from childhood and laughing about how our lives have changed. I'm looking forward to making some cookies with my cousins and giving my dad a plate of his favorite cookies.

I'm looking forward to being with my family. I'm looking forward to being with my God.

My family has never had the easiest of times. Holidays remind me of some of the saddest and most difficult times in our family. When we gather together and worship together and eat together and nap together and just be together, I am reminded that we are family: stronger because of the dis-ease, weathered, but not brittled from the storms. Family reminds me that love is incarnate, alive, and real.

Christmas is about God incarnate, alive, and real. Christmas with family--focused on Christ is the only way it should be.

my favorite albums of 2009

2009-12-16T13:12:00.002-06:00

I have waveringly discerning taste. This list will prove that. This is not a list of best albums, but of the albums that I just loved through out the year.

10. "The E.N.D.", The Black Eyed Peas

That's right. I love the Black Eyed Peas album. Say what you want about Fergie, but this album is filled with the year's best running music, driving music, and dancing around the house music.

9. "Sea Sew", Lisa Hannigan

Sea Sew is the perfect soundtrack for the rainy/snowy/otherinclementlyweathered day that requires a cup of tea, a good book, and some jazzy background music.

8. "Taller Children", Elizabeth and The Catapult

The music on this album makes my feet while I work at my desk. Soulful, without being pushy.

7. "The Blueprint 3", Jay-Z

Um. Yeah. I felt strangely compelled to buy this album one day while on vacation. Now I listen to it while driving around town at full blast volume and I feel like such a white girl and hope no one glances into my car to see me rapping. But I love love love the music. Also, Alicia Keys released a stripped down version of "Empire State of Mind" on her new album that is fantastic.

6."Auri Sucra Flame", Matt Pond PA

I'm a sucker for subtly building electronica. Matt Pond PA surprised me with this album and the amount at which I listen to it endlessly.

5. "Veckatimest" Grizzly Bear

No, I didn't just put this on my list because everybody else did. Okay, maybe a little. No, really, I like it. MUCHISIMO. And when I figure out how to pronounce the album's name, I'll let you know.

4. "3 Rounds and a Sound" Blind Pilot

I cheated and saw Blind Pilot live before falling in love with the album. They are two guys who went on a bike trip that totally outrank two other guys who went on a bike trip (at least in terms of musicality and lyrics, not so much the Jesus part). The folk crooning is just right in so many ways. Also, the chica that plays with them now is pretty amazing. She puts the multi in multi-instrumentalist. Plus, she sings.

3. "Strict Joy" The Swell Season

I forgive Marketa and Glen for not singing my favorite song on this album ("I have loved you wrong") because I can listen to it every day. And I have. Believe me.

2. "Phoenix"

This album has the right balance of angst and pop and dance and good music. My eloquent brain is telling me to tell you that it is just... "great."

1. "Discovery" Discovery

Tu. Yo. Dance Party?? My car? Or living room? Maybe even at my desk. Yes. NOW. Singing along to electronic music is my new favorite thing I can't really do and Discovery makes for a perfect disaster in this realm.

OMJeepers, I forgot Rodrigo and Gabriela's "11:11" and Dark Was the Night (a wonderful compiliation), and though I do love U2 "No Line on the Horizon" is not one of my favorites of the year (I just love love love Joshua Tree and All that You Can't Leave Behind too much), and Nelly Furtado's "Mi Plan" and Derek Webb's "Stockholm Syndrome" is hand's down my favorite Jesus album and I am quickly falling in love with Noah and the Whale's "The First Days of Spring" but I just bought it yesterday so I can't much call it a favorite yet. (Run on sentence ends here.)

torn in ten directions

2009-12-15T22:11:00.003-06:00

For the first time in my adult life, I have felt terribly torn. Up until this time, I have been able to keep a relatively cohesive life. My work life felt congruent with my family life, my social life, and my sit-in-a-quiet-chair-and-meditate life. They functioned alongside one another without much fuss.

But that has slowly become untrue. For several months, I told different people "after October, I'll be around more." And then it was "November." Now, I say the holidays and my sister's wedding. But that's only because I've forgotten the multiple trips I have this winter, and spring, and summer.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you that I have turned down several projects and responsibilities. But mostly, I've turned down dinner invitations and bailed out on birthday parties.

It isn't a happy way to live. It isn't good to hear, "I never see you" every time you see a friend. Even if it is true.

Priorities are never easy for a person to work out. I think they are doubly difficult when you don't have an immediate front runner (after God) in a spouse and children. Knowing what should be next without being egoistic, workaholic, or hedonistic is not such an easy feat.

What is good is not always important. What is urgent is not always good or important. Discernment in these things has failed me bitterly these past months.

May the new year provide opportunity for clarity and clearing.

the forgotten ways: reviewed

2009-12-11T11:27:00.002-06:00

A review discussion of The Forgotten Ways by Alan Hirsch is getting started at thEsource.

In short:

You should buy this book.

In not-so-short:

As I read the first pages of The Forgotten Ways, I texted a friend insisting that he read the book immediately. I carried the book with me to a tiny conference this fall and friends there commented on the power of Hirsch's words. Young church workers with whom I shared basic concepts of The Forgotten Ways immediately resonated with his call to the western church. I tell you these things so that you can understand that it isn't just Hirsch and Kleinbeck making up crazy ideas on the crazy farm.

somebody has a crush on debbie gibson

2009-11-30T19:21:00.007-06:00

While reading the newest Rolling Stone magazine, something struck me.

Pose:

Font Choice:

Use of Color:

Resemblance?

Maybe it is just me.

(Yes, I listened to Debbie Gibson as a kid. I can probably still sing 60% of the lyrics to Electric Youth. But don't worry: Tiffany was my favorite.)

while thinking on thanks

2009-11-30T14:18:00.002-06:00

I wish I could say that this has been a tough fall and not feel conceited, lazy, or inexperienced in dealing with suffering.

This fall has been tough in non-persevering, non-suffering, non-trying ways. It's just been gray and chaotic. Like the sky before an autumn storm. I've been anticipating a storm that hasn't come in full force. I'm wearied from expectation.

The trouble with my troubles is that they are the troubles of will and spirit. They aren't concrete. They are in the upper echelon of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which feels like something that should be celebrated. And yet, I simply want to throw the contents of my office, my closet, my cupboard onto the sidewalk and stroll away, never glancing backward.

Can I be thankful and disdainful? Can I be thankful through abandon? Can I be thankful and turn away?

when kids hurt 3

2009-11-18T17:15:00.001-06:00

You can read the newest edition of my thoughts on When Kids Hurt here.

I don't know about you, but when I feel lonely and stressed, I make bad decisions, am a terrible driver, and usually try to compensate for these feelings with chocolate and treadmill abuse (on a rotating basis). Youth have underdeveloped coping skills. Their solution to loneliness is that which is provided for them in the media: sex and attention.

sometimes, i write to myself.

2009-11-18T14:24:00.003-06:00

I write a weekly message to the leaders in our Sunday School program at church. It connects to the weekly theme and story. More often than not, I write it to myself. I write it to pick my melted self off of the floor and to tell myself that there is greater, deeper, better hope.

Here's this week's, based on Joshua 3:1-4:24 where the Israelites cross the Jordan River into Canaan:

Thanksgiving is a verb, an action, a movement. It’s more than a day. Certainly, we get together and partake in whatever family or friends traditions we have. Some eat Chinese food, some watch 2948 hours of football, some have pie making competitions (I’m coming to your house). Yet, at the core, our activities are centered on things that we are thankful for. This can be difficult at the end of a year filled with lost jobs, sick friends, lost sanity, and a whole lot of rain that just seems to aggravate the malaise.
Our young people aren’t oblivious to these troubles. They know when the adults in their life are hurting. They know when we are wandering around in a proverbial desert waiting for God to show us the river to cross. God acted mightily in the lives of Joshua and the Israelites. He dammed up a river and they walked across. Finally, their wandering was coming to a miraculous end. Tomorrow, when we wake up, this life will not change. And yet our response can change. We can look forward in life at the malaise and see the miraculous promise in the end. We can see forgiveness, healing and meaning in Christ. Our joy is independent of our sorrow and circumstance. For that we give thanks and build our 12 stone altars.

me rayo: nuanced sense of humor required for reading

2009-11-17T12:19:00.005-06:00

I'm not sure what it is, but every time someone talks about social media on a social media device/tool/network I giggle (meta-references crack me up because I am a dork). And I gag.

There is an expression in Spanish: rayarse.* It means to draw lines on one's self or to be so bored out of your mind that there is nothing left to do than draw lines on yourself. Or to be so egomanical that you are staring at your navel for fun. Or to plain go crazy.

That's what talking about twitter on twitter does for me. And blogging. And facebook. Me rayo.

I think the only thing worse than self-conscious meta-referencing is name dropping, which is kind of what social media is about. Which is probably why it makes me gag and want to become a Luddite.

And that is why this post ends here. Me rayo.

*Last I heard it was in Spain. Ten years ago. It may have been exclusively used by my six friends. I've never heard anyone else use it, but I haven't been paying attention either. Google translator says it means streaking. This totally cracks me up because maturity is my strong suit.

nightmared

2009-11-13T12:42:00.003-06:00

You wake wanting to scream, but somehow you don't.

You lay in silence, a bit awed at the exhaustion from running through unknown European back alleys.

You stare blankly, upwardly, afraid that the person you grieved has actually passed.

You toss, scanning quickly the darker corners of your room, ensuring that the blackened silhouette is just a lamp.

And then you wait for the nightmare to become real or to reveal itself as less than. Sometimes wide-eyed. Sometimes in dreams.

the birthday dance

2009-11-11T16:05:00.004-06:00

I've mentioned salsa dancing here before and I suppose it is only fair that eventually I should post a video of said dancing. It is four and a half minutes of great facial expressions, silly "flamenco fingers," and a moment at the end when I fall off of the screen. You can fast forward to that part (around the 4:00 mark) without hurting my feelings a bit.

This is what is known as the birthday dance. I was nauseous for about thirty minutes after it was over. You can see why from the start.

MVI 1475 from alaina kleinbeck on Vimeo.

girls and chocolate chips. theory confirmed.

2009-11-10T13:53:00.003-06:00

Don't get between a girl and her chocolate chips:

when you get full-on sick on a youth event and would rather die than lift a finger

2009-11-09T11:44:00.005-06:00

This summer, I became terribly ill while on a youth servant event. The whole nine yards: Fever. Cough. Nose running at a sprinting pace. It was a glorious reenactment of every NyQuil commercial ever made.

My first instinct at the sight of the 100.2 degree fever (low, but still alarming in the HOLY GUACA I'M SICK kind of way) was HOLY GUACA I'M SICK. PANIC. This was absurd, you can't really panic appropriately when you feel like opening up your sinus system with a wrecking ball without anesthetics just so that you can feel something again.

I texted my trusty coworker a PANIC I'M SIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK message. He reminded me that PANIC was stupid and idiotic in kinder, gentler words and that I'd already prepared for this.

I have? Oh yeah, I have.

About three years ago, my grandma had a stroke in the middle of a youth retreat and I was a wreck. I couldn't function because I was so distracted by wanting to be with my family. I left the retreat to be with my family. It was the right thing to do and I was able to do it because I had leaders there, equipped and ready to rumble at a moment's notice. Since that awful experience of leaving a retreat to be with my family, I have always prepared my leaders to be ready to lead should I fall ill--mentally, physically, or otherwise.

Here's how I prepare them:

Appoint a leader. In conversations with my leaders, I seek out someone to be the team leader if I become unable. This person has no special responsibilities in normal circumstances. They are the Vice President of the trip. I meet with them beforehand to go over all of the special contract, medical, transportation, blahdibbityblah information. The team knows that this person will make all final calls in my absence.
Organize your stuff. I have a box that has copies of everything: Med forms, contracts, bible study guides, pizzeria phone numbers. Everything is filed and marked. Bozo the Clown could find out how much pizza to order, what kind and at what time.
Teach your team. I meet with my leaders and tell them everything about the bible studies and campfire worships. They know what I am going to say and when. They hear it from me, they have my notes, my guide, my sidenotes. They know the heart of what we are studying and are equipped to lead it.
Be okay. Be okay with not being in charge. Be okay with the kids laughing about the bad guitar-playing at campfire. Be okay with not getting to canoe and clean up the lake. Be okay with knowing where you need to be (in bed or with your family). Be okay with letting your youth bring you tylenol and bottles of water. Be okay with yelling at them to wash their hands at a pipsqueak tone. Be okay with it. You can't change it and there's a lesson in giving up control in there somewhere.

Here endeth our youth ministry lesson of the day.

Tomorrow: back to nonsensical rambling!

rules by which all must abide. or the world just might collapse and it will be all your fault.

2009-11-06T14:35:00.004-06:00

In bible study last night, we had a good laugh about the behavioral rules that we create to make sense of the world. These sorts of rules tend to become unspoken and ridiculously cumbersome expectations for the behavior of others. Frankly, there's a humorous amount of absurdity in the rules we create for others.

Here are a few that I have observed in myself or that friends have shared as theirs:

Don't cut me off on the highway. Or cruise in the left lane. Because that is dangerous. And I will ride up on your big booty bumper like a smooth criminal until you stop. Jerk.
Don't bounce around in front of me at a standing room only concert. How dare you enjoy music through movement.
Don't breathe loudly. No one wants to know that you are alive and breathing.
Don't behave irrationally. Don't think irrationally. Don't talk while feeling irrational. Don't ever be irrational around me. I don't care if it's irrational to expect it. Don't do it.
Don't make rules about what other people can or cannot do.

What would you add to the list?

the power of the ask

2009-11-05T11:29:00.003-06:00

I am a terrible "asker."

I don't like to ask people to help. Especially out of the blue. Especially at church(work). Especially over the phone.

I hate it so much I will procrastinate to the point of tears. I have daymares about terrible phone calls.

Oddly, when I do finally ask, I've found lately that I am rarely turned down. People like to be asked to contribute to projects where meaning and significance is being created.

The point: I need to get over myself.

crumbling empires

2009-11-04T17:06:00.003-06:00

We built our castles from plastic blocks and pegging board.
We'd hoped they'd last forever.

There's little hope of foreverdays,
crumbled blocks: they lay.

No stones
No patch work
No words

Don't tell me things will be okay.
They won't and then they won't
And then they never will.

Wreckage remains.

There isn't hope
unless you've learned
the empire doesn't matter.

wanting deeply

2009-10-29T13:39:00.003-05:00

I want deeply to tell you about the things on my mind. My agony over what to do with my brain for a living. The burns of long-planted pain. The creeping suspicions I have about this and that.

But at the end of the day, I close my eyes. Those stories unwritten. The plans not made.

And that's mediocrity.

soup: from scratch

2009-10-28T18:52:00.003-05:00

One thing on my life list is to learn how to make as many soups as possible from scratch.

I'm a decent cook, but I'm generally afraid of whole chickens, dried beans, and ingredients that I can't find easily in the store. (Did you know that pearled barley is on the top shelf in the SOUP SECTION? Because I thought it would be with the grains. Or the rice. Or the beans. Or the weird organicky bulk items.)

Anyway, I tackled homemade minestrone soup from scratch using dried beans yesterday using this recipe.

If you want to come over for soup, there's about two gallons of it at my house right now. Next time, halvsies. Also, more hot sauce. And tomato.

It was really cheap to make especially when you consider that I will be eating off of it for the next month.

now reading: a google document

2009-10-19T18:49:00.002-05:00

About two months ago, I decided I didn't have enough lists in my life and I created a document of books that I'd read this year, books I am currently reading, books I want to read, and books that I want to buy so that I will guilt myself into reading them.

Here's what it looks like today, though I am not entirely sure that the finished reads list is comprehensive. I think I've forgotten a few trashy forgettables. What should I add?

Now Reading

The Forgotten Ways
Cuisines of the Axis of Evil
Don Miller's newest
Olive Kitteridge

Up Next

Culture Making
Seven Storey Mountain
Proust was a Neuroscientist
Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
Wounded Healer
The Next Evangelicalism
UnChristian
The Myth of a Christian Nation

Need to Get

Bird by Bird
Culture Theory
Stanley Hauerwas--Resident Aliens

Finished Reading

~~The Last Lecture~~
~~Letters from a Skeptic~~
~~The Blue Parakeet~~
~~When Kids Hurt~~
~~Surprised by Hope~~
~~Sustainable Youth Ministry~~
~~Love is an Orientation~~
~~Traveling Mercies~~
~~The Unaccustomed Earth~~
~~The Book Thief~~
~~The Godfather~~
~~Youth Ministry 3.0~~
~~The Maytrees~~
~~Spiritual Development~~
~~The great emergence~~
~~twilight~~
~~angry conversations with god~~
~~jesus for president~~
~~jesus wants to save christians~~

and then a bottle of hot sauce fell on my head

2009-10-16T14:53:00.003-05:00

Things fall apart in threes. It's some sanctified rule of thumb that this must happen.

The double computer death on Sunday is going to be categorized as thing one.

Realizing that my visual voicemail on my phone has not been working for a month, that I hadn't received any voicemail messages for a month, that over 40 messages have been gathering dust for over a month is thing two.

So what about thing three? I superstitiously have decided that was when a bottle of hot sauce fell on my head and then broke a bowl because I need thing three to be insignificant.

perspective

2009-10-14T10:21:00.002-05:00

Sunday was diabolic. I don't say that lightly. Both of my computers crashed. My work computer in the morning. My home computer in the late hours of the evening. (Yes, I have two computers. It is extravagant and silly and absurd. I already know that.) The irony, the cataclysm of both crashes at the start of important conversation, encouragement, and proclamation of the Gospel can surely be interpreted many ways, but I think, I am truly convinced, it was a very lame attempt by the evil one to bury me in self-pitying woe, absurd busyness, and egotistical frustration.

Computers, cars, and people die.

As I write, my colleague in the Word is burying a friend, a man whose life has served the church, a man who gave more in his retirement from his professional field than many of those who are paid to serve.

Computers, cars, and people die.

Computers and cars bear no significance in my life. Sure, losing information, functionality, ease of transport, and funds is inconvenient and irritating. But that's it. Life is filled with general inconveniences and irritations. Have you visited a big box store parking lot lately? Those things epitomize the irritating side of life. I cannot complain about irritation when there are larger wounds to mend.

The temporary suspension of the blessing of technology cannot distract me from the reality that I have work to do. I have a hope that changes me, compels me, grounds me. It is a hope that heals and cares and sets aside the burn of irritation and self for the bigger picture.

Computers, cars, and people die.

As my fellow servant is buried in the ground this cold and brutal fall day, I am reminded that he will not be stripped for parts like a dead computer or car, but his brokenness will be made new. His scratches and bumps will be healed. His broken heart will be replaced. Love will course his veins.

trying to breath deeply: heart on sleeve

2009-10-10T13:48:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow, a group of people are gathering here in St. Louis to talk about the Church, our church, and our congregations. The unifying element for all of us is a deep concern about the mission of the church, or lack thereof.

--

I'm reading The Forgotten Ways by Alan Hirsch (okay, I have been since sometime this summer, but it just got bumped to the priority list). He makes a compelling case against much of western Christianity's institutional practice. As I am reading, I am scared.

--

I know something must change in the way we do "church." And though I've known this for some time, the intersection of this coming gathering, reading this book, and so many other things heighten the urgency I feel.

The fear I feel, I believe, is healthy. Much of my livelihood, education, training, is built around the institutional church. And it must change. For the kingdom. For others to know that I am not bullshitting this faith in Christ business. For others how have not yet been told that there is hope.

Change is scary, angering. I'm coming to terms with the reality that I am going to make someone angry. They are going to say hurtful things. And I will have to keep moving forward. Not out of my own righteousness, but in the conviction that when Christ told me (you, us) to go, he didn't mean write a check and say a silent prayer.

--

I'm breathly deeply. Or trying.