Catharsis

The Sun

2009-05-26T14:38:00.007+08:00

He was like the sun—he gave me warmth and life. I could never have him because the other planets needed him, too. I try to break away, but it’s impossible to live without him.

Post deleted.

I don't need the sun. I won't be a planet anymore. Now, I'll be the moon. I'm back to being Jupiter's Callisto.
-06/12/09

The Final Waltz

2008-03-13T13:49:00.005+08:00

The neon lights flickered as the fog suddenly cleared. It was already late in the evening, and the dancing had been going on for quite some time now. Everyone(including the timid, anti-socialists) was enjoying themselves. The lively dance music stopped, and a slow tune suddenly played. It was time for the couples to enjoy, I thought. I was about to take my seat, but a friend of mine suddenly got my attention and pulled me to a halt.
"I don't slow dance." I said.
"Me neither!" he chuckled for a moment, "Would you care to try with me?"
"Uh, sure."

I felt out of place at that time. Dancing was a thing of the past for me, and I was used to just being a spectator during social gatherings like this. Fate must have other plans for me tonight. The boy I was dancing with seemed as if he was enjoying himself. I tried my best to keep up with his pace and commented on random things just for the sake of not being too boring. Out of curiosity, I started to scan the crowd. I saw the familiar faces of my classmates and friends. They seemed to be having a lot of fun. "Wait, isn't that..?" I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. It was him.

"Look, it's (girl's name) and ( his name)!" I exclaimed. "I've noticed." my friend muttered. It seemed as if he wasn't interested in what I was saying. The thought of being rude crossed my mind, but I shoved it away. I was jealous. Jealousy is my greatest enemy, and I can never ignore it. Apparently, he asked her to dance and they were loving each other's company. I contemplated on how they were having a good time while I continued to cater to the questions of the friend I was dancing with.

As the song neared its end, I noticed that he wasn't dancing anymore. He disappeared! I felt disappointed as I turned around to face my friend, who still seemed strangely happy. "Let's exchange partners." I heard someone say. Weirdly enough, that someone had a voice similar to..
"Sure, (name)." my friend nodded to the man behind him. He silently mouthed a 'thank you' as we let go of each other. I stiffened as I felt the weight of his gaze on me. He gingerly took my hand and gave me his usual smirk. In order to conceal my anxiety, I desperately talked about what song might be playing next. To my surprise, it was a song from Lifehouse. It has been one of my favorite love songs, and I couldn't believe that I was actually dancing to it with someone who was actually special(due to the lack of any other appropriate adjective) to me.

As I mentioned earlier, I was tense. I may not be a great singer, but I can(if not try) to carry a tune. Hence, I started to sing along without any shame. Surprisingly, he started to sing with me as well. It was obvious that he wasn't quite familiar with the song, but still he tried to make out the lyrics. I found it sweet. I was already enjoying the dance, but then he suddenly placed my hands on his shoulders. The tension, along with the guilty pleasure of giddiness, came racing through my body again. My heart was thumping so hard, and I felt my cheeks turn warm. Thank God for the dim room! He looked me in the eyes for a moment, then moved his face closer to mine. I held my breath. "What was that?" he asked. He seemed interested in knowing the lyrics of the song. I motioned my mouth towards his ear and sang (against my will):

"--'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people.."

As I was about to finish a line, he straightened up and finished it himself. "And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you." He smiled in delight at his success. I thought it was cute. A grown-man, who was often times strict and upright, can always be breathtakingly adorable when he smiles like an innocent child. Just being with him at that moment made me feel very happy. It was the dance that I always dreamed about. That night was a dream come true.

02/16/2008 - It was the best night of my life. :)

Somebody Else's Hero

2008-02-05T18:06:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wished that superheroes existed? It’s a typical question straight from your five-year old mind, probably something you’ve long forgotten, but then again, I’m pretty sure you hoped at one time in your life that they did exist. Actually, I’m not limiting the thought of ‘saving’ to damsels in distress and valiant men wearing shiny armor on dashing white horses. I’m talking about the ordinary people around us, everyone from the geek next door to your own bestfriend.

Everybody in this world has the capability to be hero for someone else without even noticing it. But when it comes to the complicated feelings brought about by the heart, we tend to be quite choosy of the ‘hero’ who might be able to save us. By personal experience, I learned that when sadness comes along and when everybody tries their best to make you smile, you usually do not comply with them simply because the words of comfort didn’t come from the person you wanted to hear it from. It’s an unpleasant attitude yet don’t you think that it’s half true if not reality?
“Trust me. I’m telling the truth.” he breathed into my ear as I looked away. It was too much to handle, I felt too vulnerable and I loathed that weakness so much. “I don’t want to hear it.” I muttered as I turned to him, the sad look in his eyes made my heart crumble. I knew this moment would come sooner or later yet I haven’t anticipated it in a time of grief. Anxiety started to disrupt my normal breathing as I fought back my heart’s pleas of giving in to every single word that he said earlier.

Yet, my thoughts continued to linger aimlessly as my world drifted into solidarity. Yes, a big part of me did want to believe him. Then, why am I resisting? Was I doing this for the sake of contradiction? No, it was because for some out-of-this-world reason, I felt as if I was being deceived right from the very start. The pieces of the puzzle of this dilemma I was facing held no unique meaning. Every detail always led me to the same crossroad that pointed to two different words: right and wrong. Somehow, I couldn’t weigh the justifications for both sides so I was always forced to be thrown back to square one.

As I contemplated in silence, I failed to notice that he already took my hand in his and gave it a light squeeze. “I’ve done everything I could just so that you would believe me, but up until now, you still hold on to the belief that I’m simply toying with your feelings.” He shook his head in disappointment and let the unsettling air of silence take grasp of the moment. I failed to reply. Almost unconsciously, I felt my hand slip away from his hold and a yearning of escaping from reality aroused upon me.

I recounted the many battles we have lost and won together. Truly, he had saved me from many dangers and was always ready to stand by me even without me requesting for such assistance. Though numerous instances have almost broken our bond, I was always shocked to see that by the end of the day, I couldn’t separate myself from him. He was someone that I needed yet denied so many times.

Attachment. Severe Attachment; that was my problem. I wanted to be with him more than he knew, and the failure of him to comply with me led me to the option of just going through a life without his warmth. I wanted him to save me. I needed that more than anything. But of course, he too has limits and I simply cannot ask him of that just for my sake alone. Sure, I could choose selfishness, but I wanted to be fair. I struggled for a while as I tried to look him straight in the eye. I saw the fear that I was avoiding, it was reflected in those eyes of his, it was trying to tell me something. The truth.

He sighed loudly. “I have to go.” I didn’t have to hear anything else anymore. I silently wrapped my arms around him and held him in an embrace that I’ve been longing for far too long. I began to wish that I could tell him everything without doubt. I really wanted to tell him all of the words that were left unsaid if only I knew exactly what they were.

“You know, I can be your hero, but not all of the time.” I was stunned by his sudden conclusion. Maybe he knew it all long. He probably understood about what I wanted right from the beginning. But, we both knew what was coming as well. A stray tear trickled down my cheek as I finally let go of him. He gave me a faint smile before I walked away without looking back.

I wanted him to be my hero, but he and I knew that he was already Somebody Else’s Hero.

Just a Good Jest

2008-01-09T19:16:00.001+08:00

“He’s a jerk, don’t trust him.”

“I can’t just walk away.”

“All he wants to do is to break your heart.”

“He’s my friend.”

“I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“…” I chose not to speak, that statement came tumbling out of his mouth in a protective yet strange way. He wasn’t himself, and the glare in his eyes made me think that I was talking to a total stranger.

(name), he’s a good friend of mine, we’ve known each other for quite some time now and I think it’s safe to say that we see each other in a ‘special’ yet still friendly way. I secretly like him, but I never dared to flirt with him or make him think I’m actually interested in him. I had boundaries set between us, not until that little experience.

He never fails to amaze me. He has this vivacious attitude towards me, a trait that he conceals when he’s with other people. I’m not saying that I think I’m special because of that, but it’s the truth. He loves to jest about whoever I’ll end up with; he’ll even tease me to a guy who seems to be hinting romantic feelings towards me. “Don’t be fooled, okay? He’s just another liar.” he’d say whenever it was my turn to talk about a guy I’m interested with. A reaction like that would startle any girl, but I’m not hoping for anything out of his peculiar behavior. I know he’s interested in some other girl; he met her a couple of years before we became friends. I only know her by name for he always seems to avoid any questions about her.

There are instances when he seems to purposely drag me away from friends just so we could sit quietly in one corner. I feel quite awkward each time he does that, he tends to act too reserved and distracted. “Dance with me.” he eerily whispered at one of those rare occasions. All I did was giggle and comply with his request. I thought it was not like him, he and I usually have this constant agreement when it came to differentiating sweet from cheesy. What he did that night surely wasn’t our definition of sweet. Yet for some reason, I went home with a smile on my face.

I’ve been going through a roller coaster of emotions just trying to figure out why I seem to be falling for him at one time, and then completely forgetting about the emotions at another. Truly, he is important to me and I do not know what life would be like without him. I never regretted about abruptly meeting him and I know I will always treasure our short yet memorable times together. He’s leaving soon, and we both have that in mind. There was an instance when I was able to bring up the topic when we were together. I told him that I’d miss him a lot yet all he seemed to do was give me this sheepish grin. I’ve been dreading about his departure yet I knew I had no right to tell him to stay.

“Goodbye, (name).” I was able to say. I had a fake smile on my face and tried to make it sound like a playful joke though I knew I was hurt inside. There was an awkward silence after that. He stared at me with a serious look in his eyes; he didn’t seem to like my so-called joke at all. I more or less got the idea anyway.

Before I knew it, he was already shaking his head in disapproval. I bit my lip as he did. “I’ll come back. It’ll never be ‘goodbye’; it will always just be ‘see you soon’.” My heart fluttered in bittersweet bliss. I was already convinced.. I’ve fallen for him.

Love’s Light II: I Sought Eternity

2007-12-09T14:15:00.001+08:00

Note: Before reading this post, I suggest you read the prequels to this which are The Interlude and Hatred is Love. They'll surely give you a better insight of what I will be trying to express in the next posts for the Love's Light Trilogy.

“On a starry night,

I sought for eternity.

It was in your eyes.”

The first night of December was a time for laughter and relaxation, or so I thought. The day started out quite badly due to the backfiring of a certain rehearsal organized by Mark and me which really caused us to be in hot water.

But it was during that night when I finally found tranquility as I sat back in the car that was bound for the city’s boulevard. Though my eyes seemed to be brimming with tears that weren’t supposed to be there, I savored the peace of being with friends. As everyone excitedly left the car to eat some exotic street food, my sorrow seemed to engulf my very being as minutes passed.

After giving everyone a half-smile and telling them they shouldn’t worry about me, I head for the backseat of the car and sat down on the edge of the entrance as I wrote a poem that suddenly popped out of my head while we were in La Vista earlier that night. I didn’t know what to do, the source of my pain and happiness was sitting at the passenger seat that was just one seat behind me. He was busy with his cellular phone.

“Jemm, you have a text message from (name).” Earl said as he motioned my cell phone to me. I silently cursed Earl for saying it out loud, considering the person he was talking about was just right behind us. I took a quick glance at the passenger seat and noted that he was still engrossed at his phone. I hurriedly grabbed my phone from Earl and browsed my inbox until I found his name. My heart skipped a beat then.

The next few minutes of the night were filled with innocent delight then, a new feeling of glee always stirred up in me as my phone’s screen lit up with the text ‘1 new message received’. I was being so childish. It was funny how we were just an earshot away yet we chose to communicate through SMS. He would frequently turn to ask me something random between text messages and I would wittily answer them until my brain drained with all of his quizzical inquiries.

“Your unlimitext is up na ‘noh? Hahaha!” one of his text messages read when I completely forgot about replying to one of his jokes. We were both annoying each other that night because of a bet that came out of nowhere. There came a time when I was able to reply, “So what happens if one of us quits? I’ve ran out of words to say na eh..” and thought that it would conclude everything. I was shocked to read his reply, “Then we’ll continue our repartee the next day.” I guess I secretly didn’t want it to end that easily too.

The excitement ended as I boarded our own car infront of the Ateneo’s vicinity. Dad was furious because it was late at night and I was busy hanging around with boys(he didn’t take into consideration that I was also with Shaneen, Cindy, Melody and Felisse that time). I tried to ignore his nagging by noticing that I’ve been texting him for almost the whole night already. I promptly yet hesitantly said “Good night.” right after he asked me if I was already ‘sleypi(sleepy)’.

I could say he saved me that night; I was very glad that he noticed my depressed mood and decided to approach me by teasing me. I guess he’d never know how much that night meant to me ‘cause during that time, I sought for answers and a sign that I was worthy of his companionship.. the answer came.. and it was in his eyes. :)

*This concludes part two of Love’s Light: I Sought Eternity.

Love's Light I: Hatred is Love

2007-12-03T18:37:00.000+08:00

Note: Before reading this post, I suggest you read the prequel to this which is The Interlude. It'll surely give you a better insight of what I will be trying to express in the next posts for the Love's Light Trilogy.

“No, Jemm. You have to do it.” Mark said, trying hard to compete with the crowd in a certain school’s gym. I gave him a sarcastic smile just when we were about to finally walk down the stage’s staircase.
“I seriously can’t.” I tried to say in a convincing manner.
“(name), we dared Jemm to hug you if ever she wins.”
I didn’t want to look at the reaction on his face, but it was quite inevitable to do so. I squinted my eyes; pretending to be embarrassed and turned to him.
“Oh, sure.” He said at once as he eyed me. I had to stop my jaw from dropping as I saw him with open arms. Without a second thought, I took one step towards him, wrapped my arms around his abdomen (I guess) and buried my face in his chest. The spark of the moment caused me not to remember anything else but Mark and Melody saying ‘Aww.’ I pulled back soon enough and all four of us left the stage in silence.

Cheers to new beginnings.

“Ugh, what’s his name? That (name)-guy? I’ll talk to him, he’ll surely listen to me.” I said arrogantly. Everyone else was worried and tense so I thought I should give pep-talking a shot. They didn’t seem convinced, I could really tell by the skeptical looks on their faces. So, I set off towards every possible location where in I could actually find him.

After half an hour, I found myself running down the staircase of the east wing of our school. I was sobbing and I knew my eyes were already filled with tears. Another few minutes later, my classmates were already consoling me as one of them gave me a comforting hug. I was completely devastated with the events that happened in less than fifteen minutes. Who knew my first absent would cause me that much trouble?

The sentence: “Hmm. I’ll think about it.”, kept on echoing in my head the following night. I was undeniably flabbergasted and I wanted to scream out all of the pain for the sake of catharsis. The school year’s beginning couldn’t have been any worse than having to lose my membership in the club that I love so much. I was going to lose something absolutely precious to me all because of him, that ‘bohemian excuse’ for a man!
I’ll cut the intro short now for the sake of not making the reader bored to death. Honestly, writing this blog is quite hard for me. It’s not because I’ve suddenly forgot how to express my emotions, but the reasons are very complicated. Firstly, mere words are not enough in order to fully express my feelings for this certain someone. Secondly, I have to be quite careful with the details that I include here though many know of his identity. The list goes on and on, but let’s just move on with the story.

The first couple of paragraphs that are not italicized speak of the beginning of my constant encounters with him, and though it isn’t that clear, he actually made my life miserable. During the end of July, I started loathing the sight of the man’s muscular figure in the hallway and labeled his pretty face as an eyesore. I never knew I could hate someone who deserved my respect that much. As time passed, my hatred seemed to grow in size and proportion. Everyone seemed to take my loathing as a joke and even mockingly told me that he was my ‘best friend’. In the end, I sarcastically conceded and thought of it as something very amusing. So I learned to be such a little devil over the first quarter of the school year, I taught myself how to destroy his image and constantly called him ‘gay’ or ‘bohemian’. (Yes, I am quite aware of my sins)

Yet during the second week of October, there came a time when a bar of Choco Mucho actually became a bridge of that gap between him and me. By that time, my hatred turned into infatuation, and the reasons remain unknown even on the day I typed this sentence. I strangely grew in love with getting the attention of this strange man amidst my classmates’ constant teasing and Brother Shio’s hilarious set-ups. Love’s light was being held over me by the person I hated the most. The words “Tara, let’s go na.” gave way to one of the weirdest infatuations I ever had.

Uh-oh. That wasn’t a good sign.

*This concludes part one of Love’s Light: Hatred is Love.

The Interlude

2007-11-28T22:15:00.000+08:00

Love is factor that greatly affects my life, it provides me with occasional conundrums that are sometimes virtually impossible to figure out and of course it serves as a reason for me to wake up each day with a smile on my face. Yet, love’s effects cannot be limited to only two cases; the former statements are simply generalizations that would serve as introductions on the deeper subject. And this entry serves as a formal starting point of a new blog and it doubles as the finish line of my past entries that have had ambiguous endings.

The flourishing chrysanthemum of an innocent and unconditional friendship has withered. The hero that has frequently saved me in my dreams has now turned into a villain. I’ve faced reality. The prince that was believed to be the epitome of perfection was actually a fraud. And the smoke has cleared in the battle between two foes; the silent siege has ended with two individuals finally seeing each other in a perfectly different light.. the light of friendship..

It's a time to welcome new beginnings and to bury the hatchet..

“To love and be loved is the great happiness of existence.”

With reference to the English writer who once said this, indeed, he was right. Almost everyone, if not the whole world, wishes to love and be loved back. Many believe that it’s one of the greatest experiences one can ever go through in a lifetime, and even I once thought of it that way.

Putting aside my perspective of not knowing what true love is due to my age and all, I have always sought for my own fairytale that included a conventional prince charming. Laughable as it maybe, most girls think that way and I admittedly have my own share of childish daydreams. I’m a hopeless romantic and will always be. I’m quite in love with the idea of falling in love and having a clichéd happy ending. I’ve had my own variety of countless crushes that were thought of as real love, and the objects of infatuation have ranged from the smartest guy in kindergarten class to the high school’s hottest jock. And of course, there was never an instance when I stood content of being just another face to each of those boys’ eyes.

I’m not one to dwell on my foolish mistakes forever; I usually move on quite quickly and choose to never raise anything from the dead no matter what may occur. These humiliating mishaps of mine usually are the fruits of the desire to obtain the great happiness of existence. Yes, and that is to finally love and be loved. I’ve always followed this paradigm that allowed me to think that if I worked hard enough, maybe this crush would learn to notice me [how juvenile of me, I know] and would probably even learn to return my affections. It’s quite a foolish way of thinking but you should be aware that I know quite a number of individuals who continue to believe the paradigm even at this very time and age. It was a bad mistake, and I admit to that fact. That sort of mindset belongs to pauper-turned-princesses in your classic fairytales and therefore cannot be applied in reality.

After learning the hard way, I’ve simply abolished any feelings of love towards any individual in a romantic level. I placed aside my drastic ideas of dashing balls and destined encounters and reserved them for my storybooks. Half a year of sorrow and contemplation led me to being more practical about my relationships with other people. I noted that detachment was something I was supposed to keep in my mind and that my bonds with others should always be ‘never too strong yet never too weak’. Although my emotional armor has now been weakened due to heart-breaking blows and tear-streaking assaults, I grew more mature about my own actions and thoughts. My heart is finally in control, and my mind is thoroughly conditioned, I really believed that nobody could cause me to be dazzled by love’s light ever again..

But to my surprise, I was dead wrong.

A Silent Siege

2007-09-29T20:07:00.000+08:00

“Uh, Jemm. Could you please pass me the masking tape?” It was early June and school had just started back then. I was currently trying to fit into my new class amidst my many anxieties and insecurities. My fellow groupmates and I were sitting on the floor and trying to accomplish some sort of ‘Welcome Back to School’ sort of activity as we tried to get used to each other. I was lost in the world of daydream due to the fact that I still haven’t gotten used to the early wake up calls and was close to snoozing up until I heard his voice. “Jemm.” He repeated, and I was utterly shaken. It was the first time he even noticed me and he actually even knew of my existence. He knew me! Hooray!

But then, things weren’t as pleasant as they were the first time we talked. I always thought of him as an object of obscurity, some guy who wouldn’t invite me to his birthday party and who only turned to me when he needed an extra sheet of paper. Why was I hoping for any sort of contact with this boy? Well, I’m not sure. I have to admit that he was one of my Elementary crushes but of course, there must really be some sort of reason that drags me towards him.

He’s an arrogant guy, quite aware of his looks and capabilities, and he walks with an air of unique confidence and superlative pride. I think the latter description is the one characteristic that makes him seem so attractive to me even though they deem to be quite negative traits in the first place. He has often noted my presence each time we walked passed each other in the premises of the school or exchanged glances in the cafeteria during our lunch breaks and of course I too gave him that same benefit for I often ponder if he considers me as a friend or merely a schoolmate.

He once enthusiastically told me to be more talkative when I'm with my peers and discouraged my endless reading of books when I'm with other people on one late afternoon. I was drawn back by his sudden urge to say anything to me other than ask for information about school projects and the like. As I’ve said, this boy really knows nothing more than to ask me leeching questions and tedious advices. At that moment, I stood up, acknowledged his suggestion and began talking to the rest of the people around us as I deliberately looked back at him each time I felt like it. From that day on, I thought of him as an ‘okay guy’ and suddenly began to remove the ‘spoiled brat label’ that I’ve stamped on his head the moment I felt that my relationship with him was being abused.

A few amusing moments and giddy weeks later, I began to think that he was so full of himself again and thought of him as the most air-headed guy on earth. Honestly, all he ever does is fool around and fix those annoying strands of chocolate hair (which are quite attractive) on his forehead every once in a while. Now I must confess that even if he is such an arrogant jerk, I’ve gathered my thoughts and finally came to the conclusion that I do like him. Especially now, at this time when he hasn’t been noticing me and it’s probably been two weeks since he ever said a word to me. I actually hate this and I won’t give these feelings room for growth because I’ve longed forgotten what it’s like to be falling for a male that’s close to my age group (~.o). Alright, I must say that it was entirely my fault that we’re having this silent siege as of now. I’ve been in rage for the past few weeks because my feelings were subsequently hurt because of some confidential reason I cannot talk about. My nights were always full of regret and sheer anger itself so almost anything could trigger me to flare up and be brutally rude.

He approached me with an inquiry that had been bothering him since the night before and he was straightforward in asking me about my disgust on a particular piece of document which he greatly took part in. He told me of course that he strongly disagreed with me, flashed a smile and pushed me into seeing everything from his point of view. His cuteness almost got the better of me especially when he stood close to me and flashed a simple yet bewitching smile. But I stayed stubborn and told him that I will not change my opinion on the subject and still think of the whole thing as rubbish. He eagerly asked me to reason out with him but all I did was make a few hand gestures and simply walked away from the scene.

I never realized that little act I did would distant me from him from then on. This consequence didn’t bother me when we saw each other outside of my classroom just a few minutes after the confrontation for I was still quite enraged. But as my worries subsided and I hopefully looked at him, he gave me this new look of loathing and I was forced to wage with him a silent siege as well. We now pretend to be oblivious to each other’s presence and never dared to acknowledge each other’s existence as well. All we ever do now is exchange glances in silence and give each other the benefit of the doubt. He is now an object of hatred and a complete stranger to me at this point and I may stand as the same thing to him. But as I’ve said, I’m in doubt right now and I don’t really know if I’ve hurt his feelings through my ruthless remarks. As you can see, I find myself staring at his name on my Instant Messenger at times and just hinder my fingers from typing him a short ‘sorry’ that is quite unsure and out of the blue. This is how silent sieges are, you know. Quite enigmatic and full of questions, you never even know if the person you’re in war with is mad at you or what. That’s just the way these things work and you can never resolve them without a formal confrontation. And if you’re curious, I am so not ready for one..

***

Another weird entry. Forgive my typos, I've no patience for editing..

Comments are appreciated. Good day/night to you.. :)

Prelude to a New Sunrise

2007-08-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

Note: This is a tentative prologue for Prelude to a New Sunrise, otherwise jokingly known as 'By The River of Abong-abong I Sat Down and Splashed Water on Your Face'.

***

"Why would you kid about something like that?" he asked with a stern tone.

I failed to meet his gaze though I felt the intensity of the look he gave me. It was early in the evening judging from the time we took off in his car from my house. He had been quite serious back then as I opened the door to my house to meet him. A shocking turn of events indeed, looking at what happened earlier this morning. Now, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the baseball field in utter silence. I felt chilly as the wind blew by, it was a cold night and I didn't have the luxury of bringing a jacket along. Not like he did.

"Please say something, Clara."

I didn't budge at his request. I wanted to avoid all this ruckus; he knew that. Still, after moments of idleness passed, I found no words to throw back at him.

"Are you mad at me?" he took the liberty of pulling my shoulder to face him, his grip was tight and the shock of the moment caused me to look at him. "If I said 'yes' then that wouldn't be the whole truth but then again," I paused to take a deep breath, I felt as if my heart would've burst right then and there if I didn't, "If I said 'no', then I would be lying." he still retained his reserved expression even after I spoke. His silence conveniently added the tension within me. This is all my fault. I thought, I should have declined his offer to eat out. I am all to blame for letting him talk me into drinking until we couldn't stay up any longer until dawn. I could've declined his offer to eat out as well. I should've went home when I knew that this was coming yet I didn't. I chose to be with him. The wine had loosened my tongue up to the point that I even spoke of my well-kept feelings for him.

"I'm sorry, okay?" his expression suddenly softened as he whispered this. "It was immature of me to react impulsively."

"I--" At that moment, nothing seemed right anymore than it already was. I asked myself whether I should be here or not even though I knew quite well that I wasn't going to get any answers from anyone tonight. I took a moment to look up at the sky. The stars shimmered in perfect splendor, the moon started to wane with a solemn feel and then the thick rain clouds ruthlessly started to cover up the bright night sky. The rain started to pour now and I felt the icy water that trickled down my cheeks. Does this mean anything? I sighed. This rain, it tells me of all the years I've waited for this man who was standing right infront of me. These raindrops are like the sorrows that have been concealed within my heart and the tears that I've stopped from falling for so long. I looked into his eyes and an untimely yet reflexive smile came to my lips.

"I lied. I do love you."

And there was silence once again. The darkness had now covered the expression on his face, I couldn't tell of whatever he was feeling right now. For a while, I caught a glimpse of that silver crucifix around his neck under the fading moonlight. Seeing that necklace just made the tension in me build up even more. I gulped as I shut my eyes for a brief moment and started to prepare myself for the worst.

Will I ever see another sunrise?

***

It's incomplete and senseless for now, lol. But, that's the main idea.

The Epitome of Male Perfection

2007-08-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

I looked up at the bright golden sphere that centered the clear azure sky. The sunlight's heat was weakening for it was probably just an hour or so away from sunset. The soothing warmth made a yawn escape from my lips therefore declaring that Physical Education classes were just plain dragging.
My contemporaries were busy frolicking amongst themselves in the field, spotted balls were flying around and a bulky man was patrolling about with a whistle around his neck. I pressed the back of my wrist on my forehead as I stared blankly on the blades of fresh green grass. One of those annoying spotted balls rolled towards me. I clicked my tongue thinking that it was from one of my classmates and soon decided to bend down and grab it.
An array of muffled footsteps caused me to transfer my attention from the soiled ball towards another group of students who were jogging back and forth in two straight lines. Two boys, most likely seniors, were leading the group. They were both attractive, I guess. Those two were your typical pretty-faced jocks who had the ability to sweep the everyday high school girls off their feet with just a single glance. All of the girls except me, I think. Sure, I have to admit that those captivating smiles if theirs caught my attention right away. The words "They're cute." even crossed my mind. But, they're pretty common even so. My thoughts soon trailed off to the face of a stranger who I've grown fond of watching for the past few Physical Education sessions. With the tilt of my head and the hum of a passing breeze, I soon found myself lost in my reveries once again.
After much needless contemplation, I made a quick turn to the right to make sure everyone was still present. But as one of my friends caught my eye, I smirked in amusement. It was an unusual occurrence, her mouth was wide open and it seemed as if the shock that caused this had something to do with me. She frantically gestured me to look towards my left and I was quick to comply. "Oh my." And then I saw him, the boy clad in blue and white sportswear. His smile was breath-taking as he approached. He was only a couple of steps away from the ball in front of me when he decided to pause for a second to finally manage to do what I call a David Beckham kick. At that moment, everything seemed in slow motion and I tried my hardest to stop my jaw from dropping in awe. The boy soon stood straight in triumph, a light from the heavens descended upon him and it was as if a choir of angels sang a melodious hymn in the background.
"Cliché. You've got to be kidding me." I sighed for a while but then I couldn't deny the fact that he has enthralled me with that unique charm of his once again. This boy had stolen my heart the minute he passed by me in one of the hallways a year ago. I don't see why I'm being so obsessive about him, I barely know him and this probably is just another one of those phases of mine. But there was more to these elusive feelings than just mere infatuation, it felt quite different. I soon found myself lost in the smile he was giving me, I was really unaware that he had been trying to catch my attention the whole time I was spacing out. I felt a tint of pink appear on my face as I bowed my head a little and muttered my apologies. The afternoon seemed to fly right pass me in a great hurry that day. I learned of his name, which I've known for so long, and of course I got acquainted with my so-called Soccer Guy.
Now, everything seemed really ridiculous when class ended and I was idly standing in the almost empty soccer field. I was waiting. Yes, I was waiting for him to wrap up this day's soccer practice. Why you ask? Well, it just so happens that I found myself being invited to stay a while for a little chat or something. The whole show was really getting in my system but yet I still couldn't stop grinning and jumping in the inside. By the time we settled down in one of the basketball courts, it was already quite dark. I wondered why no one came to look for me, it was really odd but then, I pushed all of these thoughts to the very back of my mind when my male companion started to shoot some hoops. "Does this boy have any flaw?" I felt so giddy as I watched him, the scene was more like déjà vu but those occurrences in the past were always laid out this way: he's over here and I was over there. This time was different, very different.
"You seek salvation from your past.” I gulped as I heard him say those words. I asked myself over and over why he would ever come to say such a thing, what was the meaning of all of this? "Huh?", it was all that came out of my mouth along with a dumbfounded expression. I blinked in surprise as he approached me with much skepticism. The whole dreamy scene soon turned into a court hearing, I felt like I was some sort of convicted criminal and he was the honorary judge.
"You won't find peace through retreat. Face your battles, end them and be done with it."
"Retreat? Battles?" I asked yet again, rather perplexed. Everything this boy was talking about seemed to have some sort of connection to my current problems but, why would he even know about them? "What's your point?"
"You always get the wrong answers in the riddles you are given. You don't see the hints that are all around you."
"That's poppycock! Who are you to speak to me like that?" I was enraged and I didn't know how my emotions got out of hand so easily, the next thing I knew, I was already regretting having to have raised my voice. The expression on his face softened soon enough and he looked down, probably in disappointment or just in plain shock. As I was about to move to utter my apologies, he stopped me by gently laying a finger upon my lips for a while.
"I know you are aware of your wrongs, just please do something about them this time."
With that, my vision soon failed me. Everything faded into a blur and once again, I was in the soccer field. I wasn't idle this time; I was smack-dab in the middle of an activity. My group mates were already shouting like crazy, "Jemm! Move!". Not knowing what else to do, I hastily staggered with the soccer ball towards one of those flat pieces of stone that signified being "safe" in baseball terms. Why was a baseball term used during a soccer class? I asked that myself countless times as well but then again, it will forever be left unanswered. I was able to tap the ball towards the right destination but it was too late. The opposing team already beat me. I heard my group mates sigh but then I felt no regret whatsoever. I turned to face the towering mountains that lay across me with all their splendor and took a deep breath. The boy in blue and white was busy maneuvering a soccer ball near by. I sighed in relief as my staring at him was left unnoticed. He never knew me and I never knew him. Everything that conspired earlier was probably just some sort of daydream that came out of nowhere but somehow, I felt as if it wasn't. Maybe it had a deep meaning that I couldn't decipher at the moment. But alas, I soon walked away from scene with a smile.
"Good. You're still my Epitome of Male Perfection.. "
"

Bridge

2007-07-13T17:50:00.000+08:00

Past is past. Not all things in life would always go your way. Mishaps and sorrow can never be avoided. Love could die out, friendships could end and you can't really do anything to stop all these things from occuring.. Though you want to keep close bonds to everyone, you'll end up losing some friends anyway even if it's against your will and theirs. All good things come to an end sooner or later..

"Bridge"

Do you notice the bridge that's between us?
We stand on opposite sides,
It covers such a small distance
It's as simple as just a few strides

You call to me, inviting me to come along
To abide, I would but something tells me it's wrong
I ask myself if you'd welcome me in delight
The thought's ecstatic but it bewilders me with fright

From azure to grey, the sky begins to weep
Your look turns cold and your brows furrow deep
I stood dumbfounded, lost in your glare
If I were to run to you, would you still be there?

Your back is all that faces me
Your angelic face and bright smile disappeared so frigidly
I want to hurry towards you
But honestly, do you really want me to?

I ponder on why I'm making this choice
Thus, my ears ring with my own whispering voice
"I'd cross this bridge for you with much glee,
just promise to accept me as I am willingly."

A clap of thunder abruptly worsens my fear
The question lies on you now, Dear
Do you dare to cross this bridge and I to hold you tight?
Or do you wish to destroy it and I to forever be out of your sight?

*end

A symbolic yet simple piece, if I do say so myself. The exact reason that drove me to write this isn't merely my tattered heart and misguided feelings but it is somehow my way of preparing myself to part ways with my past and to finally realize that dead things can never be saved no matter what you do.. ;(

- Jemm

To lose your Heart's Desire

2007-04-20T17:29:00.000+08:00

"To find the secret name of a star,
Ask the moon that shares the sky.
Fix its place between the branches of the hawthorn tree.
Send the name to the sky on the wings of a bird.
Burn the name in fire upon the mirrored waters of the lake.
Wrap the star with heart's desire
Between the darkness and the light.
Then you shall a magus be.."- Heart's Desire by Garth Nix(page 319 of Across the Wall)

I've read the story numerous times on random occasions. It's very intriguing though quite short. It's Garth Nix's own version of the Merlin-Nimue story, an Arthurian tale. Here he tells about Nimue, a girl who Merlin took in when she was about 14 years of age because she wished to learn about magic. The two soon fell inlove with each other. Later when Nimue was old enough to get a star from the sky in order to obtain power, she was told by Merlin that she needed to give up her heart's desire to get the power she longed for. The girl Nimue was unclear of what her heart's desire was but she didn't give much attention to this for the power she always wished for was far more important than anything else to her(or so she thought). Soon when Nimue followed Merlin's instructions and shortly after she caught her star, Merlin starts to fade away right after he finished explaining to her that Nimue, after all, was his heart's desire and the one thing that he had to give up in order to obtain his powers. Nimue also realizes that her heart's desire wasn't the powers at all but Merlin as well..

I might've made it too short and unclear but that's how the story went anyway. It's cool how I never realized at first that it was Merlin who was going to be taken away because he was Nimue's heart's desire. And I never guessed that Merlin's heart's desire was Nimue.. After re-reading a lot, I finally realized that Garth Nix left a few clues stating the outcome of the story and I was never keen enough to realize it. Well, it's either that or Garth Nix is just very good at giving subtle hints that go well with the flow of the story.. How I wish I could write like him, he's a great author.. *sigh*

Nowhere To Run

2007-03-15T19:51:00.000+08:00

Diary Entry #2

Joy. It's summer time!! But thing's aren't right in my chaotic mind. I maybe able to go on with my life and smile from time to time but the unanswered questions in my head would forever haunt me at this rate. These days, I've chosen silence and I barely even speak of anything anymore. I know I've been quite a burden to many because of my numerous mood swings so I try my best to just stay quiet.

I've been reflecting on the past events detail by detail but I still cannot see why all of those things occured. There were times of bliss and sorrow, I speculate about each thing I said as well as what he said. Guilt crosses my mind all of the time because of that last heated conversation we had and then I ask myself, "Am I the one doing wrong?". I've heard what he had to say and what he told everyone else, and my gahd did all of that hurt. I don't even know if he recalled about all those things he said, those painful words.. if only he hadn't said any of them, maybe I'd be at peace. Everyday I get a few answers but I also get a lot more questions in the process. I can blame myself too, I know that. I'm weak at times and I can't exactly speak about the "deepest" thoughts in my mind when I get the chance to tell him. It's just that, as each day passed during those weeks of torment, the situation worsened and I was left clueless because I didn't even know how he felt about it. He told me that he wouldn't be affected and all that but he'd also say that he wanted me back and whatnot. This was the problem: I felt as if I spoke to different people at different times when I was only talking to one. He didn't seem to really know about what he had done. It's not because he hurt me unintentionally and all those things he threw at me that day. I was mad at him because he had to tell me that he did have the same feelings as I did for him. And after that, he now denies all of those things and speaks as if he never said all of those. He said things as if I was the one to blame because I actually loved him. But here's the thing, who in the world told me that nothing would change between us? That everything was going to be alright? That it would do good for both of us? He sounded so cold that day, he spoke as if I didn't have the right to feel.. and now, he acts this way, like we were just playing games and that he never really cared(though he says he does but it's just so complicated). Yes, I know I told him that I'd forget about all of these things but, I have realized that it's still unfair in my part. I still feel deceived and all of that. I want my friend back but it gets harder to trust anyone now after all that's happened. I don't know. I don't want to confront him anymore because all worsens whenever I do and I'm sure he's sick of all of this but, how about me? I'm sick too, I want everything to be back to normal.. I want my annoying friend back, but he treats me as if I don't exist. I try to meet his gaze but he turns the other way. I want to speak to him but it just gets harder as the gap between us grows. The worst part is, I don't know what to feel anymore. It's like he has deprived me of my freedom to love and think. I'd do anything to completely understand his mind but I guess I never really will. I've tried so many times but he truly is mysterious. He would only permit me to the very surfaces of his thoughts but never did I feel that everything he said was completely true. All of his words contradicted one another and yet he still told me that he was being clear.. Oh. I'm tired of all of this.. and no, I cannot just abandon all these things like he could.. not me.. I care too much and I'm the one stuck in this enigma..

Random Poem

2007-03-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Thanks to this man, I made a poem and suddenly became cheerful again. Gahd, I feel so embarrassed for being so emo for one month!!

"With a fluttering glance, I gazed at him from a far
His eyes sparkled, charming face illuminated by a bright star
A tint of pink on my face, he caught my stare
I looked away; to look back I didn't dare
Faint melodies serenaded the night, beckoning me to sing along
With a single strum of his guitar, he started to play 'our' song
I mused at a few nostalgic memories; my heart throbbed in despair
His voice unconsciously called to me and this distance between us I couldn't bare
I miss him, yes, I long for him so
But all has changed, all is gone
We both just know.."

"Chris-ness.." *laughs*

Right Beside Me

2007-03-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

She furiously gnashed her teeth as she grasped the cold railings before her. She was in the verge of insanity today, she has screamed to the top of her lungs with curse words and swear words alike. She had even given into tears and had been utterly confused eversince then. She asked herself, "Who is the true villain in this epic? Is it I or him?" She slowly bit her lip as she watched the boy who was below her, he was grinning with sheer joy. She felt as if her heart suddenly stopped and a scourge of pain twisted her emotions once again. He was smiling so pleasantly; he looked so carefree. But the reason of this charming grin on his face crushed her, she slowly walked away in anguish and felt the tears in her eyes, "The 8th time." she whispered.

She was being a little too emotional again, it has always been her problem. She knew that she was being too hopeful that some miracle would occur and maybe all of this pain would just start subsiding in one way or another. But, she knew very well that it wouldn't. Why? Because the one person who could truly make all of her sufferings go away was actually the reason why she was in pain in the first place. Her unrequited love led her to this depressing state and her stubbornness caused her to hinder it not from showing, "I blame love."

Back in the comforts of her home, she sighed. She still felt the sorrow that greatly affected her daily life for almost a month now. She has been in a state of nostalgia, a very bad case indeed. She was stuck in her past and for the feeling became too addictive, making it harder for her to let go. She willfully went into a trance again and thought of everything that transpired in just about two years. A mental image of the boy who had been the one reason for all of this made her feel strangely glad. "He was always right beside me." she thought. She recalled a time when no one was there for her; a time when even her close friends weren't there to comfort her. He was there at that moment. He was merely a text message away, all she needed was to confide to him and all would be well already. He would speak to her in frank and hurtful words but it didn't really stop her from being happy at having someone who would listen to everything she had to say. She practically could pour her heart out on him and she knew very well he would just stay and listen, like he always did.

He was always special, even at times when she didn't have feelings for him. He has been one of those few people who would conventionally stay quiet and give her the comforting words she needed. He was weird in some sort of way; he actually had the patience to bear with all of her mindless ranting about random crushes and peculiar thoughts and mishaps. He would always just give her that notably famous grin of his and speak in manner where in he didn't sound bored. He has also proved to be one of those very mischievous people in her life, yet all of his crazy plots always made her smile with pure bliss and hope that the friendship they both shared would never end.

She realized that she was in too deep and she started to think that all of this probably didn't even make sense at all. Everything was lost, so why was she still stuck up with her past? Can't she just let go of all of those? "Past is past, right?" she asked herself though the pain of the thought was unbearable. She remembers again, the times when he was grinning because of someone else. She had to always sentence herself to this sort of torture everyday in her life, even at times when she didn't intend to. She had to stand there, watching the boy she once knew; his face and appearance never changed even a bit. His smile was forever perfect and dashing, yet his aura has drastically changed. Everything she thought she knew so well about him was well gone. She missed that smile of his, those smiles that were intended for her. She pondered over that brief moment this morning when their eyes accidentally met during a random time. She wished that she could return that smile but he quickly turned away. He must've done it unintentionally and so it meant nothing now.

She had nothing else to do now but wait until something new would happen in her dull life: be it pain or joy. Right now, all she did was hold a piece of paper of a simple little sketch in her hand to make herself feel better. A faint smile appeared on her lips and a single tear fell from her eyes as she mused over the comical drawing of two punctuation marks; an oblivious question mark turning away from an angry exclamation point that said, "Will you stop asking me why I'm always excited?!?"

Fluffy, You Saved Me

2007-02-27T18:25:00.000+08:00

"You're inlove with your past, Jemm. Things are different now."

The streams of warming sunlight from our classroom window gleamed, the innocent grin on my Elven friend's face beckoned to me, the out of place observation of my good friend struck me and all seemed to fall apart. His words got me tongue-tied and I felt like a ton of bricks had been carelessly placed upon me by a construction vehicle.

The serious look on his face made me feel very uneasy. My mouth went dry and my stomach did a conventional flipflop. I soon found myself reminiscing about my funny experiences in the past. The time when I first met the person that was sitting across me. Everything faded away in a haze and I was caught up with the glare he was giving me.

We became close because of a piece of amateur literature that I kept on teasing him about.
"The girl with the fiery red hair."

Woah. Still being a naive pre-teen, I was blown by his impressive use of words for we were of the same age and with that, he made my own poem look like hogwash. I became conspicuous of the tall boy with messy raven black hair. I gave him a grin and that's when a promising friendship began to flourish. A barrage of insults, devilish plots and childish games later, I grew to like him a lot. Over the months, he slowly got under my skin and I learned to appreciate the stolen moments we had. When I got to Secondary School, I found his name on the list of students in my class and I felt a subtle joy.
"Great. I can surely annoy him more."

And I was right, though we weren't absolutely close. During the final months of my freshman year, we began to share with each other our so-called masterpieces and we were clearly trying to impress one another with our sappy stories on high school life. This mischievous little boy not only exposed me to profound pieces of art but he was the first person ever to poison my thoughts with queer stories on homosexual romance. Now, I myself didn't appreciate these sort of things, my appetite was lost for a couple of days and I never looked at the Ghost Fighter characters in the same way ever again.

Going to the next chapter of our strange friendship of overly dramatic words, there came a time when love struck my Fluffy friend in a "royal-awkward" way. He went goo-goo over one of my constant female companions and I was left in the middle to aid him in his goal. All didn't turn out so well in the end and truly, this was a sad event because another growing relationship was lost and things also grew complicated in my part for very confidential reasons. Looking at the bright side, this would be the time when I considered him one of my best friends along with the bonus of a small, red hat-wearing, bazooka wielding creature.(Note: this is exaggerated, by the way) I soon started to grow attached to him and I finally had a worthy friend in my section. I could say he is one of my favorite persons though he has caused me stinging pain at random times. He was the person who actually beared with my complex behavior and he served as my "filter toy". His boldness would make me hate him but yet this unique trait of his also caused me to grow very fond of him. He is one of the few people who actually fixed my naive attitude and made me realize that sarcasm in writing could also be a good thing and soon after, he made me more sure of myself when in came to expressing my views and opinions.

He's my bestfriend. A true and loyal one. After the numerous conflicts and whatnot that I face in my daily life, I could rest assured that I may always approach my moody friend who provides me with all the laughter and insanity I need. His sense of humour is of the smart kind and not one that is of petty nonsense. He is the cause of my big grins and extremely overboard laughter. If I didn't meet him, I'd probably still be moping in one corner and crying my eyes out with my poorly written stories of corniness.(Note: again, exaggeration)

My life would never be as cheerful as it is now if not for the funny faces he gives me everyday, his funny antics, atrocious stories and all those countless things he does. As long as there's this person who would poke me every time I wanted to concentrate in class and turn to me after reading my stories with the words,
"Alright, I'll give you credit for effort." and "Okay, I think it's cute, I'll give you that."
I'll still give everyone an assuring smile and laugh like an idiot amidst my many problems. I am quite grateful that I switched our pens that fateful day in Elementary and annoyed him till he dropped. If not for that, I wouldn't have a personal criticizer, a cure for my frowns, a constant pain in the neck and a trustworthy companion named Polo. Happy 15 years on Earth, Fluffy. Stay the same and please do still keep me sane at the times of my emotional breakdowns. You're crazy and I'm proud to call you my Pillow for that.

Arts and Craft

2007-02-26T20:09:00.001+08:00

Practical Arts 2

Name: Jemm A. De Leon Section: Ogilvie Date: February 27, 2007

RESEARCH ACTIVITY BLOCK
Research on the definition of arts and crafts.
Arts and crafts comprise a whole host of activities and hobbies that are related to making things with one's own hands and skill. These can be sub-divided into handicrafts or "traditional crafts" (doing things the old way) and the rest. Some crafts have been practised for centuries, while others are modern inventions, or popularisations of crafts which were originally practiced in a very small geographic area.
Define handicrafts.

Handicraft, also known as craftwork or simply craft, is a type of work where useful and decorative devices are made completely by hand or using only simple tools. Usually the term is applied to traditional means of making goods. The individual artisanship of the items is a paramount criterion; such items often have cultural and/or religious significance. Items made by mass production or machines are not handicrafts. Give two examples to each type of arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving textiles
Banner-making
Canvas work
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
Metalworking
Jewelry
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
Bookbinding
Calligraphy
-Crafts involving plants
Basket weaving
Corn dolly making
-Other crafts
Balloon Animal
Bead Work

Describe each type of arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving textiles
Usage of flexible material comprised of a network of natural or artificial fibres often referred to as thread or yarn for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
Usage of solid material derived from woody plants, notably trees but also shrubs, element that readily forms positive ions (cations) and has metallic bonds. Metals are sometimes described as a lattice of positive ions surrounded by a cloud of delocalized electrons and a group of hydrous aluminium phyllosilicate minerals , that are typically less than 2 μm (micrometres) in diameter for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
Usage commodity of thin material produced by the amalgamation of fibers, typically vegetable fibers composed of cellulose, which are subsequently held together by hydrogen bonding for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving plants
Usage of parts of trees, flowers, herbs, bushes, grasses, vines, ferns, and mosses for arts and crafts.
-Other crafts
Usage of any other type of material like beads, etc. for arts and crafts.
Write down the source of your information.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arts_and_crafts

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handicrafts
List down the different types of arts and crafts.

-Crafts involving textiles
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
-Crafts involving plants
-Other crafts

Spikes and Scythes

2007-02-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

"I am not going to like this.."

These words passed through my ears like sharp needles, even though the sentence was said in a whisper I didn't miss a single tone of annoyance in every syllable. I stayed silent, giving in to my pride and attempting to hide the guilt that was burdened within me. What I hoped for was given to me, I mean, what should I say? My heart hopped for joy upon hearing the bidding of the mistress in charge that day. I was smiling inside up until the point I heard those words and then, I finally agreed to the rude conception that what I hoped for would bring me chaos.

It was a well awaited day for all, I was excited myself. I remembered having difficulty shutting my eyes the other night and how fast I got up from bed. Joy. I was going to meet up with my buddies after a long excruciating summer of gratifying rest and finally indulge into long conversations with my contemporaries yet again. I stood placidly on one side of the high school building and watched my Mum who was busy conversing with her friends. My first year of Secondary School, how pretty is this? I always wondered how it would be, but the sharp glances and obvious gossiping of the higher-ups didn't appeal to me as well as they should've. I pushed that downer at the very back of my mind and considered the shot of looking around.

I saw many familiar faces as I strode through the hallways and cheerily acknowledged the greetings of my old classmates and friends back in Elementary. I disliked the crowds and rowdy noises but I guess I had to live with that now didn't I? Now after a while, I found myself back to square one and finally decided to wait for my friends like a good, patient girl. Soon, one of my dear friends arrived and I was glad to know that we would be attending classes in the same room. Blissful curiosity aroused in my mind as I sat there in that place that would soon give me unforgettable memories and pure laughter. I didn't know if I'd enjoy the company of my newly acquainted peers that easily. An instinct of competition readily clouded my head and I tried my best to succeed in showing everyone that I deserved all of this. But then, after choosing the mode of contemplation, I found myself staring at an entity paved in black that almost made me swear if not for the sudden nudge of my friend beside me who also had a baffled look on her face. Another individual sitting beside us claimed that he knew of this mysterious lad and gave us a short briefing of his social background. My friend and I were astonished at everything we heard and I still wanted to gag at what was laid out in front of me. The striking resemblance to a past object-of-childish-affection had a great impact on me; I was asking myself if the past was trying to haunt me or something of the sort. But the sudden squeaky sounding endeavors of a newcomer to make a good impression in a supposedly highly intellectual social group made not only me want to laugh out loud but also the rest of my peers.

After the hilarious experience, I began to wonder how life would be if I was well acquainted to this being. Now, as stated in the first paragraph, my wish was graciously granted in a matter of seconds. But everything else that happened after the letdown all seemed to be a taint part of my memory, the next events that actually play stupendous roles in the close bonds I have in the present are all in a blur and maybe because my mind also refuses to recall those innocent times of childish behavior.

A once believed object of obscurity was sitting right next to me and we were conversing in a manner that I never knew we could. Sharing views on particular subjects, providing each other with all the annoyance we could ever hope for and just having a great time was our daily routine. I could say days were very amusing with that kind of company provided for me. Who would've thought that this person of all people would share a good amount of interests with me? I was shocked at the reality when I thought of it in the present, but it never really bothered me at that time because it didn't seem such a big deal. His funny mishaps and peculiar mannerisms appealed to me and made me grow curious about the soul behind the cloak of mayhem and mystery. I never really pressured myself to understand the enigma that was always lazily snoozing beside me for I knew I truly wouldn't understand and maybe it just would've been a waste of time. I regretted that really, I never pushed any effort to get to know this lad of growing queries.

I could say I had an awkward set of emotions for the said person that time but I always thought it was merely an act of appreciation. I think he just grew on me over the months and I started to consider him as my best friend. A year passed and yes everything still went on as per usual yet a growing distance was between us. Due to not being beside each other all of the time and finding new people to bother could be some reasons for what have happened. But still, everything still felt the same and nothing really changed. I found myself deeply bothered about something during early November of last year and it really did mess with my thoughts and emotions very much. I found myself writing a poem of distress and complexity and soon realized what was happening. I've been struck by Cupid's annoying arrow in a very unlikable way and time. I found myself dreading at what has happened and tried to stop the growing emotions but to my inferiority, I succumbed to it. I had to accept the fact and after hearing one of my friends saying that, "You don't choose who to love, that's the heart's job." Upon hearing the very corny line, I bit my lip and just sighed.

I at first was being overly grim about my feelings, I tried so hard to toss it away like crumpling a sappy piece of grammatically incorrect literature and throwing it into the dumpster but I just couldn't. My heart has made its gruesome decision and it has led me to many ups and downs that were both blissful and quite hurtful. Sleepless nights, pools of tears and uproarious fights are only like appetizers to the main course of what I am already undertaking. Mindless battles have been fought, some lost and some won. But the war to the right path has yet to end, I have a feeling for more bitter challenges ahead of me and I stand still with my clueless and apathetic nature. But one thing's for sure, after all of this has ended.. I still wish to keep the memories I cherished for so long, the growing friendship that has been formed and the person who caused my heart to beat in a weird yet heavenly rhythm.

Lonely Night

2007-02-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

The night is cold. The chilly wind from my window saddens my empty soul. There is not an apparent reason to why I must feel this way, I know that I am merely secluding myself into a depressed state. The sheets of warmth around me were meant to calm my senses, to lull me to sleep, but yet no sign of beckoning slumber appears on my face. I need not to worry, my heart and mind deserve rest from the numerous epics that have been tossed upon them. My eyes refuse to shut in response to the troublesome yearnings of my soul, my heart faintly flutters in anguish and a sigh escaped from my lips. I am sad. Why is this so? A part of me is somewhat missing and my mind ponders on the whereabouts of a certain individual. The complexity of my emotions give me much to feel uncomfortable about and it amuses me not.

Towering shadows begin to rise around every wall in my room and I am yet again engulfed into darkness. His presence haunts me.. his sly grin, shrewd choice of words, profound gaze and mischievous nature direct me into several moments of troublesome reflection. He conquers my mind so easily even without meaning to, I struggle at fighting depression out of all of this. His face comes to me in a thought, the familiar sensation of the chill that goes up my spine whenever he flashes a smile at me is unbearable. His voice, constantly resounding in my ears, the way he manipulates my emotions just by uttering random words. His eyes, voids to deep ecstasy, the ones that shoot piercing looks that leave me stunned. Why, why am I here now? Sitting down in one corner, thinking of him. I toil at despair as I lean against the cold wall, contemplating. The vivid memory of the day I first met him brings me nostalgic feelings. Short yet important memories appear in my head, they pin me to the past and they leave me at his grasps. He has constricted me with his chains, everyday they tighten up around me, unwilling to let go. Does he know of this? The torture I go through whenever I'm near him? I withhold my feelings for him, I cannot let go. His cunning ability to twist words would leave anyone perplexed, including myself. I know I should know better but I have already surrendered to the battle against love. There's no turning back now, I got myself into all of this and my only hope is to go through this night well and finally close my tired eyes in deep, well-deserved slumber..

Vacuous Shades Of Emotion

2007-02-20T21:07:00.000+08:00

Time. It passes by so fast, I haven't even had the right moment to even think of what has commenced it the past for I have been very engrossed with my own thoughts, my own chaos.
Today, I feel quite neutral. Life's back to its normal state, empty and typical. I spend my time lollygagging over countless things and just go with the flow of everything around me. This feeling used to amuse me well, maybe about three months ago. That time could be recognized as my alone phase, when all else did not matter but my happiness and me. I miss those days. I didn't have so many close bonds with anyone and I didn't have the obligation to keep those ties in good condition. I could just walk away from everything and indulge into my own world: my wonderland. I liked the solitude, I used to believe that it was good for my soul. It's something that wouldn't put my feelings in jeopardy because I am already deeply scarred by past heartbreaks. I was happy, carefree but alone. Now I know I've been wrong, solitude is good for reflection and calming purposes, but too much of it is letal. Being alone made me anti-social, too full of myself and contradictive. These traits along with many others are the products of my old philosophy: solitude is the solution to everything.
Now I've come to conclude of the fact that I shouldn't sentence myself to oblivion all of the time. Choosing loneliness is running away from the real world and at first I thought it was fine. I shouldn't run away from emotions that have to be experienced, I shouldn't close up my mind because of the fear of getting hurt and I definitely state to the world that I am selfish when I do so. I am in the state of change right now, it's a little hard but I presume that I will soon adapt to all of this. Life has it's smiles and frowns and I must come to accept that fact. Thanks to my loyal friends, I have learned not to choose numbness. All obstacles must be faced whole heartedly and must be conquered with my utmost integrity of being me.

A Soul To Forgive?

2007-02-18T10:22:00.000+08:00

This hasn't been a good week, whenever I have reason to smile, I end up frowning even more. I've done a great deal of wrong again, I followed the darkness within me and did a few things that shouldn't even be done in the first place. I know he's mad at me right now, I can feel it. I've probably hurt his feelings because of my selfishness.

I'm simply not okay right now, I need someone to talk to but everyone just won't understand. I want to talk to him to end all of this but I don't have the courage to do so. He's been a great friend and I've experienced so much with him, I don't want our friendship to fade like this, not because of what I did. I know I'm wrong, heck. No one needs to tell me that because I AM. I am stupid, so kill me. He probably can't understand this, I know he's confused. There are a few things that I can't tell him or else what has alreadly been bad will worsen. It's not something he should know, I know I'm not supposed to lie and keep secrets from him but it's better this way. It's better that I'd suffer by myself with what I feel than both of us being more uncomfortable around each other than we already are. I don't like this, I don't like this at all. I know asking for an apology wouldn't be enough but I can't think of anything else to do that is rational. I am utterly confused. I'm not used to all of this, if only he realized it. I don't feel right when we don't talk and whenever we exchange hurtful looks. He's like a part of my lifestyle, he's my friend. It torments me to remember all of the good things we've been through, those times when we'd just laugh and smile for the craziest reasons. I miss him, that's why I'm going through all of this and I want our friendship back. I really can't take this anymore. I hate it whenever I think of those instances when I told myself that it was cool being his friend because we never fought or argued even once. Now look what's happening, this is the worst fight I ever had with a friend and it hurts. And all of this happened because of my foolish mistake. I wish I could turn back time and take back every stupid thing I said, but it's too late. The only thing I could do is be miserable for my actions and say..
"I'M SORRY."

Tifa pic from here.

Bitter Darkness

2007-02-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

My laughter can be insanely loud and I may tend to raise my voice too much. I smile idiotically and do senseless things for no reason what so ever. Many may say I am happy but I'm not..

I fake smiles and laugh easily to hide whatever pain I have, I am one who treasures life and just tries to make the best out of trivial things. But there are times when smiles don't come effortlessly, sometimes life can just be filled with stone-cold darkness. I've been in some sort of trance lately and things haven't been going so well. Tears, frowns and hatred crumple the once blank expression on my face. I cannot seem to smile, it's been quite hard to even just fake a single one, I struggle at every single moment when I need to give a reaction. I am apathetic again, the fruit of my emptiness. When I am blessed with company, I want to wander away and embrace the gift of solitude. But why do I still feel bitter even after all has left and I stand there in one corner, gazing at nothing, simply suffering from self-inflicted pain. I toil at the grueling phases of everyday life, I am too weak to even think of the right words to say. Could there be a cure for this acute emotional disorder of mine? Can my dull mind ever find gratifying peace? Will I ever learn to let go of what is not meant to be? My life has been like a lonely prison cell, I'm trapped in the darkness of isolation, I am caged behind the solid iron bars of tactless emotions for an insensitive lad who thinks not even a single thought of me. Have I thrown myself into depression's bottomless abyss?

Valentine's Day Blues

2007-02-14T20:50:00.002+08:00

I poem I wrote with great speed:

"To kill is one thing and to lie is another,
But to kill one being so true with a lie that cuts
like a dagger?
Aye, That is sin! Should I still be sober?

You twist words well, corrupt dagger.
You tell me now that all of this is proper?
I weep and all tell me I should think better,
But your words poison me, boy so bitter!"

*sigh*

My Lies

2007-02-13T18:21:00.000+08:00

Presenting.. My Valentine:

Whenever I'm alone, I stand still and close my eyes hoping that it's he who's going to sneak up on me and save me from my misery. He has never left my thoughts, I think about him during every possible minute. If there was a day that I didn't think of him, his face would visit me in my sleep along with many epic adventures of him being the main protagonist. I used to think I just loved his company and really tried to forget about him, but now I have accepted the fact that I can never forget about him.

One of the things I cannot avoid would have to be going through my memories of him and me doing any random whatnot. He always puts a smile on my face with every move he does, he naturally has a funny demeanor but even if he doesn't mean to make anyone laugh or notice him, he still catches my attention easily. I don't know, I think I look at him too much.. I mean, a friend once told me that. But, how could I not turn to him? He seems to unconsciously appeal to me.

I'm unsure of what I feel for him and I do not know why, is it a case of infatuation or just another phase? Would singing like a fool and doing crazy things because of him mean anything? I've been through so much because of these weird feelings for him. I've cried much hurtful tears, waged war to many, skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner because of my experiences with him. I just don't know anymore, I think I am out of my league already. But things like these don't always bring me laughter, like I've said, I've cried myself to sleep during many nights because of heartbreak. I think he knows that I'm always there for him, that I'd willingly offer an ear or a crying shoulder to him if he needed it. You see, knowing that he isn't at peace makes my heart crumble. I care for him so much, I hope he realized that. A friend just told me now that my tears would be wasted if I cried again, but you know what? I don't care.. I'd cry now if I felt like it. Why? I don't know yet, but I feel that he is worth every teardrop, even though he looks at me as a friend, I will cry for him and I do not feel the same way towards any other boy I've met.

*deep breath*

I know I'm bad, why? I lie to him everyday, pretend that I just want to be his friend. I wish that I didn't have to but I guess it's better this way, right? Uhm, right. He loves another and I understand that(uhm, well.. maybe.. a little.. uhm, NO), I know it's torture when I see him with her.. but all I need is to mourn for a while and then I'm over it. I am sad because I choose to be sad. I go through this much because it just happens. No matter how much pain is thrown upon my wounded heart, I'd still turn to him and smile because I-..

-end

I'm being sincere and true for the first time in history.. woot.

Pass Midnight

2007-02-12T09:35:00.000+08:00

I wrote this last night during an emo session.

It's way pass midnight. My mind cannot find peace, thoughts of what I did in the past week haunt me so much. I twist and turn, but to my ill fate, I cannot fall asleep. I have done a great deal of wrong, I have attempted feats that the real me wouldn't even dare to do, I have broke the rules I used to faithfully follow, I HAVE CROSSED THE LINE. I must extend my deepest apologies to all of you, to the people who witnessed my insanity and the taking over of my mind by my heart. I was being stupid, yes I am completely aware of that. I talked like a flirt, dressed like a harlot and acted like an animal all for just my stupid fantasies. Much disgrace has this placed upon me, much burdens indeed. I must purge myself of the evil that has possessed me. From this day on, I shall be true to myself and I shall not change because of only one person. Forgive me all, think negatively if you must but my apologies are humble and sincere. I cannot bear another night of guilt, not like this night. The tears I cried, I don't know if it was for him or for myself. I am quite lost, they have cleansed my eyes already, no more must be wasted on any other day. All must end tonight. This cold and lonely moment would not be forgotten, the last tear that streamed down my cheek had a purpose.. I MUST GET BACK MY SANITY AND END MY SELFISH PLOTS. All isn't lost yet, there's still a drop of hope left in life's vile of good fortune. I may have been hanging by a thread for a while, but I managed to get back up to my feet to go on with life's many trials and hardships. This isn't the end of the real me, I'm still here.

Okay, after re-reading this.. I SOUND SO EMO!! EEEEWWW!! Well anyway, I feel much better this morning. A few things were already straightened out but some things can never be..