Noob Mommy

Baby Signs

2009-10-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Noob Baby has been talking up a storm lately. Everyday I realize that she is a sponge. Sometimes I'll ask her to identify something, an object which I haven't explicitly taught her the name of, and she can manage to say the name of the object (not spot-on, but close enough for me to understand). She's clearly been listening to my conversations. Soon she'll be saying, "Blah blah blabbedy Rob Pattinson.... blabbedy... hottie .... goo goo... mommy needs a drink..."

One thing I definitely recommend for your little noob, whether she's already started talking or just a few months into her noobhood, is some baby sign language. I started using some basic signs with NB when she was around 4-6 months old. At around 10 months, she started signing. When I prepared her bottle, she signed "milk." When she was finished drinking, she signed "all done." It was a much anticipated (but highly, highly, I mean highly doubted) surprise.

Of course, I was a little smug when she'd start signing in front of the naysayers (Mom! ahem Noob Daddy).

I know I can't be certain that the sign language has contributed to her faster language acquisition, but it certainly has made communicating much much easier for all of us. Before she turned one, she was telling us when she wanted her milk, if she wanted to eat, and when she was "all done." I was surprised to learn she was still hungry after her meal, constantly asking for "more" fruit, blueberries, Cheerios, etc.

And of course, it's definitely a fun little party trick too :) Yeah, I'm that shameless.

When NB was old enough to hold my gaze for longer periods of time, probably around 4-6 months, I started using some basic signs when I would talk to her. I tried to teach her the signs that would be used more frequently- eat, milk, more, all done, cat (because they were chillaxin together everyday). Repetition and consistency is key. Obviously, they're pretty young at that age to coordinate their hands in the motions, but if your little noob is watching you intently, he'll be soaking it all in.

Around the same time that she started signing, she would also say try to say the words with the sign. But, she definitely used the signs more regularly when she was too tired or not in the mood to form the words. Sometimes she'd make up her own variations of signs, but it was usually close enough for us to figure it out. Anyway, the point isn't to be a stickler... but just to get your noob communicating. I'm hoping this will pay off when she gets to that frustrated "terrible twos" phase.

At almost 17 months now, Noob Baby is primarily talking. She still uses some of her signs, but mostly in conjunction with speaking. I'm thinking about finding some new words to teach her to go along with words that are harder to pronounce. It's a great way to get your little one speaking two languages and develop different cognitive skills.

The fun part is watching all your friends and family learn the signs and start using them as well. Be careful though, your infant may soon be very demanding and opinionated! Here are two helpful websites with photos and online glossaries to get you started:

Babies and Sign Language

Signing Baby

and a short, easy book with good information:

Sign with your Baby by Joseph Garcia

A shameless favor to ask

2009-10-07T08:45:00.001-07:00

This is the post where I ask you for help. Or rather, where Noob Baby and I ask for your help.

So, it all started when NB begged and pleaded that I enter her in the babyGap Casting Call contest. Apparently, she saw the contest ad in her inbox.

Me: "What are you talking about baby? You talkin gibberish. Let me see your email...."

Noob Baby: (Clicking noises as she clears her Spam folder and empties her browsing history)

Me: (raising eyebrow in distaste)

Noob Baby: Ok. See! BabyGap contest! I could totally do that.

Me: Hmmm... I dunno... some people may think I'm exploi.... wait... are you still using rocketmail?! (bwahahah) You so need to get on gmail baby. Seriously.

Noob Baby: Hey lady, focus. So the current Fan Favorite baby in the lead only has 7,040 votes.

Me: ....

....

(blinking)

Like as in thousand?

Me: We are soooo going to need to ~~beg~~ shamelessly beg our blog readers to help out.

So, should you find it in your heart to register (I know, it's an annoying evil ploy that I guess deters cheating or something ~~clever~~ unscrupulous like that), we would love love love you for it. Just go here and vote for Noob Baby.

We're envisioning sort of an underdog, Rocky Balboa kinda win. Only 7,035 votes and counting...

Lasik and other things

2009-09-23T08:59:00.001-07:00

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since my last post. Pre-lasik surgery and all! The summer has already come and gone, and I already feel behind heading into the beautiful fall season. Which, by the way, I am heralding in with open arms. I am sooooo tired of this ridiculously hot weather. Noob Baby has been dying to get out on the playground and terrorize the doggies and young folk, but the 90+ weather is holding us back. So, we just lounge around inside the house sucking on popsicles and shoot the shit.

Is it already time to think about Halloween costumes?? I mean, I already had my slutty [insert any profession here] costume planned, but what's Noob Baby going to be??? Well, as I sit here thinking about candy corn and pumpkin spice lattes, I am staring at my laptop through 20/15 and 20/25 eyes. In layman's terms, near perfect vision! In my left eye, I have superhuman vision: 20/15. So excuse me while I picture you naked....

....

And in my right eye, well it's not quite 20/20 yet. I've been told to give it a month or two to see if my eyes equalize. If not, I can consider doing a Lasik touch-up to try and achieve 20/20 vision in my right eye. Hey, I wouldn't mind being full superhuman ... then all I need is a cape for Halloween.

So here's a little breakdown of how the Lasik surgery went:

Pre-surgery

You have to go in for a few pre-surgery exams and consultations where your eyes are checked thoroughly. Lots and lots of: Is 1 better or 2? 2 or 1? You also have to wear your glasses for a week during this time (no contacts!) so that the shape of your corneas neutralize. On the day of the surgery, you are given a final check up to make sure all systems are go.

About 15 minutes prior to surgery, you're given a happy pill - Xanax - to help you relax. Weeeeee!

Surgery

The actual surgery time is very brief... about 15-20 minutes. You're told to stare at some flashing lights as the doctor places a contraption over your eyes that keeps yours eyes open during the lasering. The "eye opener" was quite uncomfortable, but nothing unbearable. The actual laser is like a hot stinging sensation ... to the point of uncomfortable... but again, not unbearable especially since it's over so quickly. Almost immediately after the surgery, I could see better than without my glasses! I could see faces rather than just foggy blobs.

Post Surgery

After the surgery, you're given a final quickie exam. Then one last Xanax so you cah sleep for the rest of the day. Make sure you bring a designated driver with you (who, by the way, won't judge you when you have dorky plastic eye covers taped to your face). I barely had enough time to scarf down a sandwich before my eyes were stinging A LOT (like cutting onions, or no, putting onions directly on your corneas). Luckily, the little happy pills work in a blink.

The next morning, I leaned over to check what time it was as I heard Noob Baby babbling on the baby monitor. And voila! I could see the clock clearly - 6:30! Miracle! I was able to see almost perfectly, although I had some discomfort in my right eye, think an eyelash in your eye. That discomfort went away within a week. During the following week of recovery, you are given two types of drops to put in your eyes (steriod and antibiotic). You also have to use eye drops every couple of hours as you will notice more dry eye than normal.

And at the risk of sounding totally superficial ... I'm going to say that my biggest fear was that I couldn't wear any eye makeup for a week post-Lasik or do any strenuous workouts. Luckily, I had my last day of my 30 Day Shred on the day of my surgery.

So that's Lasik in a nutshell. Feel free to email or comment if you're curious about any other aspect of the surgery. So far, it's made my life so much more convenient. One less bedtime and morning routine to deal with. Sometimes I still think I have my contacts in at night as I head to bed. And I almost picked up a gallon of contact solution at Costco the other day. But then I thought, "Who needs a WHOLE GALLON of saline? That's just way too much, even for a cyclops. Why is Costco selling saline to cyclopses anyway? Ooh ooh, samples!"

20/20: Thoughts on Chinese Cyborgs

2009-09-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be having surgery for the first time tomorrow.

Lasik eye surgery.

It'll be the first time in 20 years that I'll be able to see unassisted! I'm soooooo excited.

Noob Daddy and I are throwing together a mini bonfire of sorts. We're going to burn all my old glasses and contacts. It'll be a spectacle! (pun intended)

The bonfire will last all of 2 minutes. It'll be rather anticlimactic. But you're all invited anyway :)

Interesting thing about my surgeon. I was told he's done this procedure over 40,000 times. YOWZAS! That's a lot of times. I was like, "Ok.... that's impressive. Or .... is it monotonous?" I mean, after that many times, you probably want to make things thrilling again. You give yourself records to try and break.

If I can just get it down to 10.088 seconds per eye.

Or like, "See! No hands!! Blindfolded even!"

And then I was "reassured" that he'd actually been doing LASIK since before it was FDA approved in the US. And you can imagine how my expression turned from impressed to confused-sketched-out-disturbed. Apparently, he was doing LASIK in China where the FDA there snorts asbestos and eats lead for breakfast.

I started envisioning some of my peeps in China who were early patients of my surgeon aka Dr. Freakin Frankenstein. Visions of Chinese cyborgs dance in my head....

Ok, no... I'm being silly.... but seriously... ??

Oh, and another thing. I hate eye exams. It's stressful, and I always feel like a failure in the end. Reading the charts. The Os and Cs and Gs all look the same to me. Of course, I'm leaned all the way forward with my face plastered to the binocular machine, squinting....sweating... trying to read that very last line but all the time wondering if he wiped off the machine after the person before me. I feel like I've got 10 people's face oils all over my chin and forehead. I know.... it's gross.

My optometrist (not Frankenstein) is so sweet and encouraging too. He's like, "There you go! You got it! Great job!" But it's not like I'm doing it on my own or anything. He's got that machine jacked up to -1200 or something and still complimenting my vision. What a sweetheart.

Then there's the: "Is 1 better or 2 ... 1 or 2 ... 2 or 1... 1 or .... "

I'm like, "Uhhh.... C. I mean ... False! Oh god, I'm blind. I dunno. Phone a friend."

Meanwhile, the optometrist is putting coke bottles and shards of glass over the machine... trying to stifle his laugh. "So you're saying 1 is better? *stifling laugh* but... but... it can't be, FOOL! They're the same. Ha!"

Let's not even talk about the air-blowing-in-the-eye-machine. That "machine" has got to be a sick optometry joke. I bet they have video cameras set up to watch patients flinch back 5 feet when the air strikes. The US should just use that machine instead of waterboarding. I'm just sayin.

Have you ever done the machine where you have to press a button each time you see spots of light appear? Another one that sets you up for failure. I just keep my eyes open during the entire test without blinking. Three minutes later my eyeballs are calcified. You kind of feel like you're on a game show with that buzzer, too. My approach is just to press the button every 3 seconds in hopes I get at least a C- average.

My claim to fame ... I take eye drops well. I can keep those suckers open without any problem. And, I was also told that I dilate well too. Sexy.

No!

2009-08-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Noob Baby has learned a new word. *crowd cheers*

She can say, "No."

Or rather.... NO!!

*crowd weeps softly*

Uh oh! There's a knot inside my stomach already. Is it too late to ask God for forgiveness for everything I did to my parents between the ages of 13-18ish?

I gave NB some Cheerios this morning. Just a thoughtful little sprinkling on her highchair... to give the day a cholesterol-free start, you know? And then she said,"NO! Fish!"

Translation: No freakin Cheerios. Gimme Goldfish! Now. In the piehole, lady.

I cowered in fear. Was slightly impressed. Then said, "No. Cheerios." *insert caveman voice*

If I give in now ....

30 Day Shred - Level 2

2009-08-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

I'm back for a little workout update. I have 16 days left of my 30 Day Shred, and I've progressed onto Level 2 now. Here's a little breakdown of the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred Workout video:

What you'll need: Light weights (3 lbs. + depending on how studly you are) and a mat if you're on a hard surface. Defibrilator is optional :)

The Shred workout is approximately 30 minutes long. There is a brief warm up and cooldown before the main 20 minute workout.

The workout is based around a 3-2-1 format. 3 minutes of Strength (with weights). 2 minutes of Cardio. 1 minute Abs. This is repeated for a total of 3 circuits.

The entire DVD consists of 3 levels. An easy breakdown is to tackle each level for about 10 days. As soon as your body starts to feel comfortable with a level, it's fine to progress. As for me, I felt that at about days 7-8 I was ready to move on to Level 2. However, I stuck with Level 1 just to build a little more endurance.

The workout maximizes your calorie burn by combining strength, cardio, and abs. For example, you will be combining lunges and squats with weights. Combining crunches with weights. And in between...quick bursts of cardio (jumping jacks, leg kicks, punches, etc). With everything combined, you WILL feel like you're at bootcamp.

I like Jillian's style. She's not one of those sugary sweet trainers that has a botox smile through the entire thing. I've never seen her on the Biggest Loser, but I've decided her no-bull personality is just fine when you're trying to get a serious workout done in 30 minutes.

There are no breaks! She emphasizes over and over again that if you want a maximum workout in such a short time, there isn't a minute to lose. With that said, should you lose consciousness on your floor for a minute or two ... no one will hold it against you.

Overall, I'm really enjoying the workout, mainly because it is short enough that I can fit it in when Noob Baby is taking her nap, and still have time to take a shower! I also like that it is TOUGH. I feel like I'm really toning up. I haven't noticed much weight loss yet (outside of what I was already losing with managing my calories), but I do notice my body feeling more toned. I think I felt an ab muscle under that baby belly! With the commitment to daily workouts, I also get some extra room in my food budget to eat some snacks during the day or an extra dessert at dinnertime. Hurray!

At this point, I'm not really sure I'll shred off a whole lot of weight in 30 days, but I'm satisfied to know that I'm getting in shape at the very least. I wasn't working out at all before this, so it's greatly impacted my overall energy level and happiness. It always feels good to be doing something strenuous, whatever that workout may be. I plan on continuing this workout or another one after my 30 days are done!

And last recommendation, check your cable channels to see if you have some sort of Free/On-Demand exercise channel. Both Level 1 & 2 Shred workouts were available on my cable for free for the month of August. They seem to rotate in new workouts regularly so you can preview these for free before you decide to buy your own DVD!

I'll give you a final update after I finish Level 3. Good luck workout buddies!

Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!

2009-08-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

Readers, meet Violet Beauregarde.

You might remember her from the creeptastic classic, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory aka Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Well, Noob Baby has decided that Violet is her new hero, so deliciously full of antioxidents. Hence, NB has tossed aside all prior affiliations with Cheerios in exchange for pure unadulterated bluuueeeberrries.

The only thing Noob Baby wants to consume these days are blueberries. She can pound through one container of blueberries in roughly one day (give or take 6 hours). The plus side is that since I'm on my ~~diet~~ lifestyle makeover, I can eat these along with Noob knowing they're only about 80 calories for a whole cup. And of course, they're so healthy and anti-oxidenty. Mmm... and you can throw them in muffins, pancakes, smoothies, cookies, cereal, coffee...

We love them frozen, especially since it's been averaging 90 degs here in So Cal for the past few weeks. Frozen blueberries and frozen peas are awesome treats for teething toddlers by the way (once they've figured out how to chew solids pretty well).

So, I guess I'll pull the plug on this blueberry craze once I start to notice Noob Baby aging backwards from all the AOs. When I see her rooting for the breast, I'm gonna ditch the blueberries faster than you can say, "Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!"

30-Day Forecast

2009-08-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

30-Day Forecast

Sweaty with a chance of disgruntlement

You'd better pack your umbrellas Noobs... it's gonna be pourin. Sweat that is.

I just ordered the "30-Day Shred" workout DVD by the trainer, Jillian Michaels, of The Biggest Loser. Personally, I've never seen the show. But after 20 minutes of my first workout, I can say (Girl Scout's honor) that Jillian Michaels doesn't mess around.

It was the first workout video I've done where there are zero breaks, and JM not-so-subtly implies:

YOU ARE A TOTAL WUSS IF YOU STOP TO BLINK, BREATH, DRINK, FART, or SWALLOW.

Of course, I considered them all... but decided I'd rather have a little cottonmouth than ~~wuss out~~ disappoint my new virtual trainer.

Technically, my DVD arrives in the mail tomorrow. However, I discovered (a little too late and to my dismay) that they had levels 1 & 2 (out of 3) on my TV's Video-On-Demand. Well, when I have my very own copy in hand, I will be sure to post more deets about the program for you curious folk.

Anyway, besides vigorously counting calories like the good student that I am, I am now attempting to incorporate this workout regimen into my next 30 days (of Hades). I could use all the moral support I can get.

Now, if only I could get my hands on one of these:

I saw this GoWear fit on Amazon and it seems pretty slick. Not only does it calculate the number of calories you burn during the day, but it tracks your steps and sleep patterns. I'd love to hear if anyone has tried one of these before.

Oh yeah, and just a side note: Noob Baby and Wildebeest the Cat DO NOT permit exercise in the house. Any noticeable sign of said physical activity immediately results in:

1) Toddler-velcroed-to-mom's-leg-like-a-crazy-crack-koala

2) Kitty ensnares fangs in *threatening* ponytail while Owner of Ponytail (<--ooh ooh ME!) attempts to finish ab crunches with cat attached to cranium.

Ahhh ... September 4th cannot come soon enough.

The B Word

2009-07-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."

~ Julia Child

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping."
~Bo Derek

"Budgeting equals Dementors."

~Noob Mommy

I have now entered a very *special* stage in my life. This *special* stage involves an assault on two fronts -- food and money.

Budgeting food and and money - that is.

Oh, budgeting, let me count the ways you make me miserable, hungry, listless, and bitchy. No wait, let me first liken you to something everyone is probably familiar with these days... DEMENTORS.

Wikipedia refers to dementors as "wraith-like creatures in the Harry Potter novels who can suck the happiness and soul out of a person, make them feel like they will never be happy again, feed on peoples' happy emotions, and force them to recall the most horrible memories they have had in their lives."

In other words, Budgeting = Dementors.

With the economy the way it is these days, I'm sure everyone has had a taste of the evil budgeting dementor. So you know that feeling I'm talking about. But, I'm in a little deeper.

You see... I am now budgeting both money and calories (aka counting calories) in a heroic effort to lose some weight. I guess now that it's been a year since I've had Noob Baby, I can't really use that "I just had a baby" excuse as I stuff ~~five~~ 3 apple fritters down my pie-hole. So I figured it was definitely time to do something about eating healthier. And as you get older, it turns out your metabolism just isn't the way it used to be. Not only do I have to eat healthier, but I should be exercising TOO! Cruel Gods!

Well let me tell you the fastest way to destroy a woman, commonly known as BOTB (Bring On the Bitch). Take away her shopping and eating privileges. Finito. End of story.

I'm really bad at keeping up with the budget thing if I don't have accountability in the form of visual aids. Graphs help a lot. So, I've been using these two iPhone apps to help me stay ~~miserable~~ on track: Mint.com and Lose It!

The first app and free website, Mint.com, enables you to set up a monthly budget and set limits for each category (i.e. food, kids, shopping, etc.). It also allows you to link your credit cards and other finances (401, checking, etc) all to that one website so it is neatly organized for you to view. As you swipe your credit card with shameless exuberance at Target, it will update your budget automatically on Mint.com. And of course, I love that it has graphs. The graphs move along as you spend money, and a helpful little indicator will tell you where you REALLY should be at the point in the month. I'm still working on staying below that line. *clearing throat*

Lose It! is for my calorie counting endeavors. I use this on my iPhone to help me record what I'm eating each day. It also sets up a calorie budget for you when you enter your weight, age, height, and your goal weight. It also gives you an estimated date for when you will meet your goal provided you STARVE YOURSELF... I mean, stay within budget. If you don't have an iPhone, there are also free websites that allow you to do the same thing: Calorie Count or The Daily Plate.

So now that I've turned a new leaf and am embarking on this journey of removing all happiness from my life (joking joking, Noob Daddy and Baby) .... I could use any tips from you about either saving money or saving food.

Now pardon me while I go drool on my food coupons.

The 100

2009-07-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is a special post.
A very special post.

This is my 100th post.

And I dedicate the 100 to you, my dearest blog reader.

When I started this blog, I really didn't know what it would become. I had a few things I wanted to ~~bitch about~~ say in regards to the honeymoon period of motherhood. But after that, I really didn't know what else would be spewed onto the screen from my random thoughts and mundane day-t0-day.

Well, that doesn't exactly make for a pleasant tag line now does it?

"Noob Mommy - Bitching and Random Spewage about Mundane Shit from a New Mom"

And thus "Tips and Quips from a New Mom" was added...you know... to class this place up a little. Luckily, I was able to trick some of you... bwahaha!

Anyway, so I figured there was about a 75% chance my husband would read my blog (just to make sure I didn't say anything embarrassing about him). Then there was about an 85% chance my sister would read it (only because she knew I'd phone stalk her at work if she didn't subscribe). Other than that, I had no clue if anyone else would read Noob Mommy. If so, there would definitely be some form of Chinese water torture involved, because of course, I am Chinese, and that's how we roll.

It turns out 99 posts later, I have an amazing group of family, friends and readers who not only appear to enjoy hanging out with me here via my blog, but they even keep me in check when I go MIA after a couple weeks, making sure I don't wither away into the nether-depths of the blogosphere.

Well thank you friends, new friends and family for staying connected with me here. I'm still trying to gather up some helpful tips here and there for noobie parents like myself, and as you can plainly see, I am still sprinkling in tons of "quips" aka random spewage for those of you who could use some nonsense in your day-to-day.

Unfortunately, I haven't been posting as often as I'd like now that I'm chasing around a 13-month-old who only functions on RUN. By 8 pm, I'm either dead or more dead. I never thought I'd have days where I don't check my voicemails or email. That is a testiment to being a full-time mom. You know you're busy when you're like, man... I didn't even check Facebook today.

BUT! There is one thing that always picks me up after a long hard day. Grey Goose Martini.

Hehe, no no ... your comments and emails -- which are always a breath of fresh air.
Keep em coming.

Happy 100!

13 Basic Rules for Holding a Yard Sale

2009-07-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago we had a yard sale in "commemoration" of our recent move. Or in layman's terms.... our new garage is way the heck smaller than our old one.

When I have a garage sale, I usually try to invite some friends and family to join in so we:

1) Appear to have way more stuff. You can sometimes even get away with calling it a "Multi-Family Garage Sale" - which is much more appealing to the masses.

2) Can chit-chat and catch up during the miserable 90 degree lull.

3) There are more people around to help negotiate for you when you're in the middle of making another deal.

The fun thing about having a yard sale with your friends is that you get to see what kind of bizarre, embarrassing and unexpected kitsch they've been secretly stashing. Case in point, my dear friends were selling a soft toilet seat with a palm tree. Palm tree didn't really surprise me since they've lived in the tropics before, but soft toilet seat... sorta surprising. To me, soft toilet seats = old people.

I have to admit, those soft squishy toilet seats sort of freak me out. Because when you get up (ahem... after, shall we say, a lengthy visit) your butt has decided to become soulmates with the cushion. Think of ripping off a band-aid. Another thing about soft toilet seats (oh yes, I have more opinions on the matter)... when something is THAT soft, you don't even feel like you're doing your business anymore. It's like you could be sitting in a Lazy Boy, dining chair, bed...you know what I mean? That necessary distinction is suddenly very softy and foggy.

Ok, back to the yard sale. If you aren't too familiar with yard sales, let me just give you the basic rules.

13 Basic Rules for Holding a Yard Sale

1) It is open season for pawning off old gifts, particularly White Elephant gifts and gifts from Grandma, Aunt Nellie, Great Aunt Tess, and the like.

2) If you are selling a gift from someone participating in your yard sale (such as the case with my sister) - no hard feelings.

3) You are not to to purchase anything from your yard sale partners because you'd just be accumulating more things from each other, which goes against the Yard Sale philosophy - Clean House.

EXCEPTION: Unless you really really like/need/must have/can use the item. Then, what-the-hell right? I am the Freakin Queen of the Exception.

4) You will most likely overprice for an item, and undersell 10 other items... in which case you will definitely feel remorseful 1 minute later.

5) Feelings of remorse, loss, etc. will outweigh feelings of success on making a good sale.

6) There is a 98% chance you will snatch something from your pile as a customer eyes it, and stash it so no one can buy it. You know you can't part with that Salt N Peppa cassette tape from Jr. High. Ooh Ahh Push It!

7) If you are holding a multi-family garage sale, there is a 99.6% chance you will be selling the same exact item (car buffer even!) as someone else. Which will DEFINITELY make for awkward bargaining and a POSSIBLLY strained friendship.

8) The "what-the-hell" item you threw in at the last moment that you thought would never sell, will probably sell to the most unexpected customer.

9) There is a likelihood that a random customer will show up looking for something wayyyyy too strange and specific. "Do you guys have a Bob's Big Boy piggy bank or a meat mallet?"

10) Don't be alarmed. That person staking out your house at 6 am... just an early bird, not the Feds.

11) You will feel deeply indebted to the customer who purchased, left, and came back with her extended family members to continue shopping. Remember to kiss that customer! (or at least knock off $ .50)

12) You will end up with 3x more crap than you actually started off with. You'll stand back and exclaim WTF just happened?? I sat outside for 5 hours, got a 2nd degree sunburn, and all I got was $79.75 and more junk to pack up??

13) Which will lead you to drop off the man-handled remnants of your treasures at Goodwill and blow your entire $79.75 on McDonalds, beer, and ice cream. In no particular order.

With those rules in mind... go and have yourself a very merry yard sale this summer!

And if you have more rules to add to my list ... please leave me a comment. As always, snark greatly appreciated.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-02T16:17:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone! I was thinking that things would start slowing down after we got ourselves settled into our new diggs. Boy was I wrong. We are STILL hanging up curtains and photos, assembling furniture and living out of boxes.

Noob Baby has been pulling my bras out of my "dresser" aka cardboard box, and dragging them around the house. Why, you ask, are my bras in cardboard boxes? Well, we donated ~~Noob Daddy's grandparent's~~ our entire bedroom set before moving... and we are waiting in eager anticipation for our new one to come. Turns out, it takes a month for people to cut down fancy trees and build beds out there on the East Coast.
So thank you for being patient as I am on this unexpectedly long hiatus.
On a side note, we had a yard sale last weekend. Just a tip... if you are thinking of having a yard sale this summer, I HIGHLY recommend holding one in 90+ deg. weather ... as we did. True story. You know you're going to be burnt when it's 80 degrees and climbing at 8 am.

I'll be back to give you the deets (details) on the garage sale in my next post. Until then... I wish you some delicious backyard BBQ, fireworks, and ice cold beers & margaritas on this 4th of July! See ya soon.

XOXO,

Off the Face of the Earth Part Deux

2009-06-19T09:37:00.001-07:00

Status update:

Moved in to new home - CHECK.
90% unpacked
-1 bedroom set
+1 wish for baby gates
+1 wish for cute little patio set
+1 wish for futuristic looking vacuum cleaner that can "turn on a dime"
+1 wish for... well you get the picture.

I'll be back soon people!

Resurfacing from Baghdad in T minus ...

Getting Baby to Eat Solids

2009-06-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

Today's post is in response to a question I received about an older post A Solid's Feeding Guide. Anonymous wrote:

My friend's baby is 6 1/2 months old and won't eat solids. She spits it right back out no matter what it is. If you even put an empty spoon in her mouth she spits "it" out. Any tips on how to get her to eat? Her Dr. said just to keep offering it and if she's not eating by 8 mo. then she will need speech therapy.

While we did get some of the usual dislike, gagging, "messy photo-op high chair moments" when Noob Baby first started eating cereal, she eventually accepted solids without too much fuss. (Now, I'm not even going to get started on how picky she's become as a toddler. We'll save that for a whole other post.)

Here are some tips if you are also stuck in PURGATORY:

1. Wait till baby is showing readiness rather than going by age.

Good head control
Losing the "extrusion reflex" (tongue thrust)
Sitting well w/support (to be able to sit in high chair)
Significant, healthy weight gain. At least 15 lbs AND at least 4 months old (preferably around 6 months to be safe).
Growing appetite
Curiosity about food

2. Start with cereal - rice cereal is a good starter cereal. On the otherhand, Noob Baby preferred oatmeal. *Reminder* Wait at least 3-5 days in between trying new foods.

Try mixing the cereal with either water, formula, or breastmilk and find the COMBINATION and CONSISTENCY your baby prefers. Some prefer runny cereal, while other babies like the thicker texture. For babies with a strong gag reflex... thin, runny purees are usually preferable.

3. If baby is gagging, try putting just a tiny bit on the tip of the spoon. Then only place spoon at the tip of the mouth, just slightly inside. Putting spoon too far inside the mouth will trigger the reflex.

4. Try different foods. Noob Baby has a sweet tooth (hmm... I wonder who she got that from). She loves her fruit and will gladly eat the fruit purees over anything else. Again, remember to allow enough time between trying new foods.

5. Even though you are soooooo over it and ready to throw in the towel, make sure mealtime is still relaxing and fun for your noob. Babies can develop anxiety towards the high chair if they are forced to eat (and gag) over and over again. I have been known to sing and fingerplay to get Noob Baby to eat. Shameful. I know.

6. If she still isn't eating, try again in a week or so. It's amazing how one day noobs like/dislike/eat/don't eat something and the next day.... the COMPLETE FREAKIN OPPOSITE! Meanwhile, you're sitting there with jar in hand, spoon poised, and a big WTF look on your face.

Hoodwinked Parent: But why baby why?? You swore to me that you loved peas yesterday. I even went and bought 50 jars at Target. We had a deeaaaallll!!! I sold my soul to the devil for these peas!!!
Noob: (Smug look)

7. Try dipping some food on his pacifier if he uses one... or other similarly ingenius tricks you can come up with. Suggestions anyone?

8. Last, and most importantly, ask your pediatrician for suggestions. As Anonymous mentioned, some babies do require medical attention, even in the form of speech or feeding therapy. I had never heard of feeding therapy until I was researching for this post. Here is an interesting link about Feeding Therapy.

Well, good luck to you Anon and friends. I'm on my way to hide chicken and veggies in Noob's applesauce.

Not So Drunkety Drunk

2009-06-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

My wonderful blog reader SStahlberg has ~~demanded~~ sassily requested :) that I show my face and provide due evidence that I have not disappeared off the face of the blogosphere.

Since I'm not one to deny my fabulous blog readers... here I am folks! Fresh off the plane from Tennessee after a weekend of debauchery (aka a good-old Southern wedding in the Smoky Mountains). Congrats to my bro-in-law and beautiful new bride!

Let me just say that this Asian mama who:

1) is allergic to alcohol (as proven by the several occasions in which I've blacked out after consuming enough drinks to be counted on 3 fingers)

2) proudly enjoys a ~~senior citizen's~~ fashionably early bedtime

was whole-heartedly impressed with the way white folk can seriously put it down. Man, whities don't mess around... and especially not in the south. BRAVO! May the keg live on. You will find this Asian noob proudly nursing her 1 Heine till the sun comes up (aka midnight).

And for the record, it is a "not-so-much" type of experience when you are always the sole sober person at any party (for said alcohol allergy). Examples:

Beer goggles: That nappy long-haired guy that looks like Kenny G is sooooooo cute, right right or am I right?
Me: Not so much.

Beer goggles: OMGGGG! So many hot guys here. *hiccup* Best bar I've ever been to in my *hiccup* WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!
Me: Not so much.

Beer: You are going to drive the rest of these sexy ladies back up the mountain of death (aka Smoky Mountains) since you are the only one that is not drunkety drunk.
Me (deathly afraid of mountaineous tundra in totally foreign state): Not so much.

Drunkety drunk sexy ladies: There's a graveyard next to this here cabin! *hiccup* We're so going to die on that bridge!! Hey is that a bear?!
Me: ... (whispering the Lord's Prayer in my head with scenes from The Blair Witch Project dancing in my head)

The debauchery and wedding was definitely good times, but only to be topped off with an even better farewell from Knoxville. A sort of Coup De Grace if you will.

As if to give me a little pat on the toosh on my way out of the South.... I got patted down at the airport. Yes, separated from the pack and sent to the special area where I almost made it to third base with the security guard.

Hey, it may or may not have been racial profiling *INSERT HEAVY HEAVY SARCASM HERE* Who knows, right? *WINK WINK*

But it does make for a juicy blog post. All in a day's work.

A Year Ago Today...

2009-05-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

I became a mother. I was confused, scared, tired, excited, overwhelmed, breathtaken and falling in love.

It's incredible how many dramatic changes babies go through in the first year. It's like the entire evolution of man all crammed into 12 months. From near blindness to semi-consciousness to rolling, slithering, crawling and finally bipedalism!

And me? Still pretty much the same a year later -- confused, scared, tired, excited, overwhelmed, breathtaken and still... falling in love each day. (Ok, maybe I have learned a few survival tactics here and there to give myself some credit.)

You know how they say...the grass is always greener... Well, I think motherhood is the definition of that saying. If you're a stay-at-home-mom like me, you often find yourself questioning if you made the right choice. Give up a blossoming or soon-to-be blossoming career? Most days you feel lonely, isolated, and a little bit resentful. At dinnertime, there isn't a whole lot that you're contributing to the "daily report."

What happened today??? Noob Baby ate, pooped, and drooled on stuff. Good times.

Your entire day can go by where you don't speak to one person over the age of 1. You could be in your pajamas with sweet potato caked on your face all day, breastmilk on your shirt, and your hair pulled back in a SCRUNCHIE! and there would be no adult witnesses to even give you a look of disgust! But maybe THAT sounds like a vacation to you. Right? No boss to boss ya, sweats and your old college T-shirt as your new work dress code. VACAY!

That's what I'm saying. Grass is always greener people...

For me, it's been hard adjusting to a totally different pace of life. I grew up with the nonstop pressure of striving towards one goal after the next - piano lessons, math class, dance class, clubs, good grades, college, career, etc. So when that train suddenly stops, you feel derailed.

But don't get me wrong. I'm not ungrateful. Of course I am thankful that we can manage and provide for our family in these bleak economic times. I'm even more grateful that my husband supports me staying at home. He never put pressure on me to go back to work, and on the otherhand, he never "locked" me into this stay-at-home-mom gig either.

So what's my point? Well, last night Noob Daddy and I stayed up watching old videos of Noob Baby. You really do forget how fast they change, grow and become little people with personalities. Noob used to be this blobby creature that would giggle every now and again and bat at her toys on occassion with zero coordination. Then "suddenly" she up and turned 1 on us! Now she's using sign language to demand more food, more milk, more Cheerios. She says "hi" and "bye" and blows kisses. And everything in between? Well, luckily we video taped all that nonsense :)

My point is ... yes, the grass is going to be greener on the other side. I will still wonder about my classroom, my students, and all my friends that are lining up their students for lunch right now. I may feel envious. I may feel unappreciated. And I will miss that pat on the back from my coworkers and boss.

And on the other side, moms will be daydreaming about staying at home, stacking blocks and filling sippy cups. They may feel envious. They may feel burnt out. And they will miss that giggle and hug from their noob.

A year has flown by in a blink. But I was there for it all.
I understand that now.

My grass is a beautiful green today.

Happy Birthday my little noob

New Moon Kiss

2009-05-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Just poppin in with a Thursday morning kiss :) New Moon anyone?

Edward and Bella kiss as they are reunited in Montepulciano, Italy.

Bon Appetit!

Off the Face of the Earth

2009-05-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

It's been over a week since my last post. I was starting to get cold sweats thinking of all my wonderful blog readers jumping the Noob Mommy ship and leaving for good.

So, here's a quick little post just to say thanks for hanging out while things are crazy hectic over here. Noob Baby's 1st birthday is next week... which means I'm kinda sorta throwing together a little party. On top of that, we're going to a wedding in Tennessee AND we're moving!

Yep, the Noobs are moving (locally), but that means our place looks like Baghdad right now. Hey, it's hard to pack a house but keep it looking sensible for a birthday party. What I need is a staged home... kind of like a Universal Studios backlot set up where it's just the facade of your home. Then, we could have our whole house packed, but still totally impress our birthday party guests. Right?

Anyway, so this is my plea for you to hang out, grab a cold one, and stick around until Noob Mommy gets her life back in order for the next month. I'll try and post when I can, but most likely you'll find me hiding in the garage with my eyes and ears covered till the movers unload the last boxes at our new place :) La la la you can't see me...

Happy Friday!

Toddler Serving Size

2009-05-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

I've been pulling my hair out lately trying to figure out what in the world to feed the Noob. I know this sounds silly, but I've "heard" through the "grapevine" that some of our friends' babies have already started eating real adult table food.

And don't even get me started on the transition from the bottle to cup. I think Noob will be drinking Chardonnay out of her bottle 20 years from now.

So why does the feeding thing make me ~~jealous~~ nervous?? I never had crawl-envy or walk-envy. But food-envy... guilty as charged.

Each day is like a new taste-test experiment. Here are some of my findings:

Green beans: Fail
Carrots: Fail
Bananas: Win
Chicken: Fail-Win
Cheerios: MEGA LOTTO WINNER
Cheese: Fail
Toast: Win-Fail
Peas: Fail-Win
Nachos: Win

I'd say about 98.999% of what the Noob actually eats ends up in her mouth. Which leaves me to wonder, is she going to shrivel up like a mini Calista Flockhart? Because trust me, a big bobblehead on those chicken legs is definitely going to look creepy.

Oh, but don't worry about ME dear readers. I'm certainly gaining a ~~healthy~~ grossly exorbitant amount of weight eating up all her leftovers. And mind you... whole milk cheese, yogurts, etc. is the *perfect* diet for squeezing into my pre-pregnancy bikini AND "slightly snug" bridesmaid dress I'm supposed to wear in 3 weeks. *insert snorting snicker sound*

Ok, so if any of you are also worried about how much your TODDLER should be eating (after calculating the amount that ends up on the floor), I found this visual chart in Fields and Brown's Toddler 411 book to be reassuring.

Toddlers eat about 1/4 of an adult serving size

1 serving of meat = 4 marbles
1 serving of chopped fruits/veggies = 3 dominoes
1 serving of cooked pasta/rice = a ping pong ball
1 serving of cheese = 2 dice
1 serving of juice = a shot glass

Now I don't feel like the Noob is starving. She's just fasting.

**UPDATE**

Although not specifically stated in the book, the serving guide is for each meal, with a toddler eating 3 meals a day and 2 snack times in between. Since there is no official food pyramid from the government for children under the age of 2, the authors offer the above examples as a basic comparison. Visit MyPyramid.gov if you'd like to see adult serving recommendations or see a Food Pyramid for Preschoolers (2-5 yrs).

Adios Alimentum

2009-05-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today, we bid Adieu, Adios, and Sayonara to Alimentum!

It's been a long, expensive journey that could make any Starbucks or crack habit look pitiful in comparison.

For those of you who aren't familiar with baby formula, well... Noob Baby had a *special* little thing called a protein allergy that required her to drink one of the most expensive formulas on the market.

Well, if there's one thing I'm doing right as a parent, it's raising my baby to be ~~a diva~~ classy.

Can You Tell Me How To Get...

2009-05-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

How to get to Sesame Street?

Last night Noob Daddy and I were on You Tube watching some fun Sesame Street clips. Growing up, I never watched the show. So now that Noob Baby and I are watching SS a couple times a week, I have to say that I'm surprised to find well-known actors and singers on the show. It's pretty funny watching these stars have conversations and sing with muppets. I guess it's kind of like a Saturday Night Live guest star gig, only for kids.

Here are a couple fun videos for this muppety Thursday morning. Enjoy!

Target. You Are Evil.

2009-05-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Fact: Target Corporation COULD NOT survive without women.

Fact: Target is pure evil.

Another fact: You cannot walk into Target and leave with only the items you went in for. Don't even be so delusional as to DREAM about it!

Target is a pure evil money-sucking genius. And hence, I wish I had invented Target (if a store could be invented).

That bullseye should be aimed directly at my forehead. Or my purse. Or my soul. Whatever.

I cannot name a single woman who can walk into a Target and leave only with the items she intended to purchase. No offense ladies. I will proudly raise my hand as one of these doe-eyed victims. Doesn't matter what your income is, your intelligence, education, career, bust-size, weight, how white your teeth are, dating status, or age. Target does not discriminate (against women).

But it seems this phenomenon doesn't affect men as it does women. Case in point: Noob Daddy. He can walk into Target, veer dangerously off course for a split second (usually towards that Entertainment/Media section), but somehow snap back to reality and head straight for the check-out. At which point he calls me on my cell, and I wander up sheepishly carrying "a couple" extra items (clearance Peeps from Easter, lint roller, deck of cards).

Now if you disagree with me, feel free to leave a comment. I could use some more test subjects. Or a financial hero for that matter.

So, I usually walk in with a pretty standard list, it may sound quite similar to yours:

Soap
Detergent
Diapers
Baby wipes
Cereal
Kitty litter
Floss
Toothpaste
Ziploc bags
Air fresheners

Sometimes there are a couple wild cards mixed in there that I am wary of... they'll probably send me to parts of the store that I shouldn't be visiting.

Fun book for summer reading
New toy for Noob
Makeup (keep it vague)

But really most of the time I walk in with your average grocery list and I end up walking out of the store like a bruised boxer. Have you seen the movie The Wrestler? Yeah... like him. All washed out, old-battle scars, feeling totally jaded and used. Looking 15 years older than I really am. Just angry at the world.

I come out carrying these things:

2 new toys for Noob
1 sports bra
pajamas
pomegranate-scented candles
cactus
11 miscellaneous kitsch items from the Dollar section
Top Gun from the discounted DVD end-cap (because I've convinced myself it's an oldie but goodie)
new knife
closet organizers
Nature Sounds CD for meditating
New Bestseller: How to Meditate

I bring this up because Noob Daddy and I were going over our expenses last night. And he's like... "Whoooaaaa... what are we spending one-meelliooon dollars on at Target?!"

And I'm like "Whoooaaa.... one-meeellliiion? Really?? You don't say."
*haha-nervous-laugh-slowly-heading-to-the-kitchen-to-go-alphabetize-the-pantry*

And seriously, I have no clue. But it was probably some really cool stuff. Like super cool.

Target. You are a black hole. A black hole where innocent mothers and sisters and Nanas get sucked in and spit out like it's nobody's business. And we keep going back for more. You've turned everyday household wares into pure, 100% unadulterated crack.

I applaud you Target. Genius.

Air Logging

2009-05-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all your Gymboree well wishes. Noob Baby wanted me to thank all you awesome mommies (and maybe some daddies) for your support. Hugs are on the Noob.

Well, her new class went off swimmingly! She didn't get stuffed into a tunnel, and the only diaper wedgie she got was from me. Sucka!

Things were pretty similar to level 2. A little less singing and more exploring. But, Level 3 did introduce us to a new never-before-seen activity. AIR LOGGING.

I was like... OMG! OMG! (rubbing hands together) This is going to be so ~~terrifying~~ entertaining! Bwahahah!! (taking out my camera)

I was picturing this in my head:

Well, I guess there's some fear of liability or something like that, so it didn't turn out quite like that. Instead, we lined up our noobs side-by-side behind this big cushiony log, and the noobs rolled said log in unison from one end of the room to the other. Some noobs ate it big time. As you can imagine, they were left behind like any good soldier.

I mean, I guess it was sort of interesting-slash-fun. But it seemed more like manual labor to me:

Which got me thinking... if these toddlers are doing what those elephants are doing, we're onto something. There's got to be some legal way to harness all that toddler energy, right?

Small people, focused energy, some singing, dancing, and tumbling when they get a little restless. Bingo!

Look out world, we're gonna be turning some profits at Gymboree.

The Freshman

2009-04-29T08:44:00.001-07:00

Noob Baby is graduating. Already. Since she started walking, it was decided that she should be switched to the level 3 play group at Gymboree. So today we will be attending that class.

I'm wondering what to expect, since we'd already figured out the whole routine in her other group. Somersaults? Cartwheels? Roundoffs?

And now that she's one of the youngest in the group, does that mean she's a freshman? Will she get dumped upside down in a trashcan? Or stuffed into a tunnel? Maybe the 13-month-olds will give her a diaper wedgie.

Or, just maybe, it will be the same exact thing as before... except with faster toddlers. But the toddlers will actually be able to run out from underneath the parachute instead of flail around helplessly as the wind vortex sucks them to the mat. Boooooo! Where's the entertainment in that?

Yeah, I'll be back with a full report.

Road Rage + Mario Kart = Sweet

2009-04-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

I will admit. I get a little road rage on occasion.

Well, let me clarify. I'm not one of those crazy maniacs who'll cut you off or swerve in and out of lanes recklessly. I'm not a middle finger kind of person either. I'm no Cruella De Vil.

I do respect the horn though. Horn usage is wayyyyyy under utilized. For instance, Noob Daddy doesn't like to use the horn. He prefers the dirty WTF??? Glare. In my opinion, the Glare doesn't really get the message across sometimes. And usually the drivers meriting the Glare or other forms of "justifiable road rage" tend to avoid eye contact. Right? So the Glare isn't a sure thing.

Like, you can't say: WTF?!@!-you-crazy-~~old~~ person-you-almost-killed-me-and-my-precious-baby-and-I'm-totally-freakin-late-to-Costco-now-thankyouverymuch.

Or: WTF?!@!-you're-taking-up-two-lanes-just-to-make-your-right turn-dummmmyyy!!

But lately I've been thinking that a horn is just not specific enough either. Then it dawned on me. Instead of a Nissan, I need a Mario Kart.

Have you played Mario Kart before? God, love that game. Mario Kart is a driving/racing game where you can pick up items to shoot at your opponent.

So here's the real-life scenario: I'm driving and I encounter a really slowwwwww driver who is just making life miserable for everyone around him, and there's no way to go around. Sound familiar? Problem solved - I've got a green turtle shell ready to go.

Green shell takes out driver. Keep in mind, you have to be close enough to get a straight shot.

Scenario: You see a jerky road rager (not the amiable-but-direct type like me) who is tailgating and cutting people off. Problem solved - Leave the d-bag a souvenir ... in the form of a banana peel. His inconvenient spinout will be a reminder to slow the hell down. Everyone else gets to speed on by, and point and laugh at his embarrassing predicament. Note: Red turtle shells also work well in this situation.

Scenario: You're driving in the carpool lane. You want to be smugly racing past the other drivers who are not in the carpool lane. But you can't because some confused person is going 50 in the carpool lane, causing a train of 15 irate drivers. Problem solved - Use your lightning bolt or blue shell. It takes out the "leader" of the pack. Cloggage unblocked, and you're good to go.

And last but certainly not least... as this is probably the most desirable real-life Mario Kart item. The Starman.

Late to work? No problem.
Bumper-to-bumper traffic got you down? Or just feelin kinda feisty?
Starman's got your back.

Not only will you be fist-pumping your way through traffic singing Eye of the Tiger, but everyone spinning out and fishtailing will be cheering you on. Because Starman is that freakin awesome. It's on a pedestal. It's a gosh darn miracle.

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive