Jimmy's Head

To carve END on my arms

2009-11-13T00:15:00.005-06:00

I should be going to bed, and I will soon.

I've just been sleeping all day, because of this flu, or whatever level 4 hot virus I have. The CDC really should come quarantine me. I think I have whale flu or something. This fever has been kicking my ass for three days - tomorrow will be day four. And, it's ranged from 101-103°. I've actually been sick for two solid weeks, but the head cold was nothing, until the fever kicked in. Plus, the germs have settled comfortably deep within my lungs. I have runny nose, sneezing, coughing, fever, severe fatigue, all-over body pain, green diarrhea (which I'm thinking is resultant from all the meds I've been taking). Um, at least my throat doesn't hurt. Well, on the inside, anyway. Everything on my body is falling apart. My wrists and elbows hurt, my back won't let up, no matter what my position, my neck has surpassed pain altogether and moved onto a completely different level of suffering.

My friend Debbie said I can come to Ashland to see her doctor there - I might do that, if I'm not feeling any better tomorrow. I keep thinking if I can break the fever, then I can stay on top of it, but that hasn't happened. Sometimes it feels like it goes away, but then it comes back within an hour or so, with a vengeance.

I wish I knew why God gave me such a fucked-up body. I can't fight anything for shit. Anyone else can get a runny nose or the sniffles. Mine requires IV fluids, three trips to the ER and a bathtub full of ice. And, the weird thing is, I don't always take meds when I get sick. I try REALLY, REALLY hard to let my body fight off the illness naturally. But, it never fails. I always take a horrible turn for the worse, and people are like, "oh, well, you should have gone to see the doctor when the symptoms started." Man, get off me. This is my body. I'm trying desperately to do what I think is best for me. I mean, how else are you supposed to build up immunities?

Anyway, I'm back on my vitamins, which I've been really bad about not taking, since I got laid off. And, I have to majorly increase my fluid intake tomorrow. Deb said it's like washing the germs out of your body. And, another friend said a fever can stick around longer or get worse, the more dehydrated you are. I didn't know that. I swear they taught us all the wrong stuff in school. Like the fact that you can't put ANY amount of liquid detergent in the dishwasher - didn't know that.

Gah, I'm on fire! I've been sitting around with a thermometer in my mouth for hours, just to monitor my temperature. It hasn't gone any higher than 103° - well, that I've caught it. I just got a thermometer today, so...I didn't get one of those crappy digital ones either. This one has Galinstan, which is an earth-friendly substitute for Mercury. The digital ones never last for me, nor are they accurate - they've never worked for me.

Jared called a couple of days ago and said my car may be ready this week, but since tomorrow's Friday, I think it may be next week before I get it back. I really don't want to get it back right now. I don't want to leave the house, because I'm terrified of getting other people sick. I bumped hands with the cashier lady at the CVS, and she looked at me totally weird, when I told her she needed to wash her hands. I wasn't playing either. I used a (clean) tissue to use the marker on the debit card machine. I really need some masks for when I go out in public, too, but I don't know where they are. I have some packed away somewhere.

I almost walked outside earlier with no pants on. I was taking Jack out, and I've been wearing shorts, but I had to take them off, because this fever is making my skin so sensitive. I can't stand for blankets to touch me, and I keep going from freezing to burning. I took some freaking Theraflu about an hour ago, but it hasn't kicked in for some reason. I'm not looking forward to sleeping, because I always have fitful, nightmarish sleep when I have fevers.

I asked the pharmacist at CVS what I could take for specific flu symptoms (runny nose and coughing), and she said that if I thought I had the flu, I needed to go see a doctor. I swear, I wanted to punch that bitch in the face. A doctor??? REALLY???? I didn't think of that!!!

I said, "Look, if I had insurance OR the money, I can promise I would have gone there at the first sign of this. Can you just answer my question?" I hate being sick - I'm a real bitch. I've been a bitch to everyone, even the girls and Jack. It makes me feel horrible. &=( I can't even stand long enough to let Jack take a dump. If I stand longer than a few minutes, my blood pressure starts to drop, and I feel like I'm going to faint. I'm really dehydrated, or on my way there, I know, because my nose just won't stop running.

Cris left for tour today, and he's going to be gone for a whole week. I'm okay, except that I could really use the help with Jack. I wish I knew someone who boarded dogs cheaply, so I could take him, even if it's just for a few days - that would help immensely, if I didn't have to get up every couple of hours and take him out. He's been such a good boy through this. I feel so sorry for him, because sometimes I'll crash out because of the meds, and I won't wake up when he's yelling that he needs to potty, so he's been pottying a lot in his crate. It makes me feel so bad. &=( Poor baby! I just want to get better, so we can go for walks and play in the leaves! He loves that.

Okay, I'm going to try to lay down. My eyes are burning, and all I want to do is wake up tomorrow and feel some better. I'm so angry at God right now. Well, maybe not angry. More like, I just don't care anymore. I don't care what plans He has for me, because these past couple of months have been horrible. I don't care what sort of character this is going to add to my already chock-full file. I don't care about anything but feeling better and getting a damn job. I can't even care about other people right now. I just DON'T. And, that's not me. I want "ME" back. I want a regular me - not a depressed me, not a sickly me, not an absent me. If I can't have that back, just fucking kill me. For real. I can't live in this life anymore. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have NO fire. I have NO drive. I have NO direction anymore. I just don't fucking care.

Ten years. It's been like this for ten long fucking years. And, I honestly don't see the point in going on, if this is all there is. I never know if the bad things actually outweigh the good things (I'm thinking yes), or if the bad things are just so fucking horrendous, I can't remember that there ARE good things. So far, the only good thing that I have going for me right now is Cris. And, I'm very thankful for unemployment. Aside from that, all we're doing is struggling. I'm depressed, I hate my life, I hate myself, I can't do anything on my own, I need a job, I need insurance, I need a car. And, my problems are nothing compared to what some of my friends have going on. I know I'm not alone, but I am the only one dealing with my shit. And, when it's your shit, it makes it that much more important in your life, obviously. It would be different if it was something I could ignore, but so far, my problems have presented themselves in a manner that causes them to be front and center. I can't do ANYTHING for anyone without a job or money or a car or my health. My life is just a goddamn disaster.

Every few days, I pretend it's a new beginning, but I'm just fooling myself. It's just more and more days of the same bullshit. I am glad to not be at the hospital anymore, but I do miss having a job - especially a well-paying job. And, I have no desire to ever return to healthcare. Ever. I know all fields are the same in some aspect or another, but FUCK the medical field. I've never met such uncaring, selfish people in all my life. Thankfully, I made some good friends while I was there, but I can assure you - the bitches, assholes, douches and dicks are in far greater number than the good people.

Okay, I have to lay down. Or, I'm going to make myself lay down. I'll have to start on the fluids tomorrow. I hate drinking lots, because then I have to pee all the time. But, I guess it's better I pee than not. I'm waiting for this to turn into fucking pneumonia - then, I'll REALLY be up shit creek. But, it won't be any different than any other day, so at least I'm prepared. Put me in the hospital. I'd LOVE for someone to take care of me for once. Put me on the vent - that way, I won't even have to breathe for myself.

I know - I sound incredibly selfish. But, if you knew where I was coming from, you'd understand. This isn't "having a really bad day." This is "would rather be dead." And, tomorrow is TWLOHA day. I'll write love on my arms, but I'll be wishing the marker was a knife instead.

Gotta love the drama, right? Well, it's unfortunate when they're your real feelings.

Karma is a real-live bitch, & I'd like to kick her ass

2009-11-10T17:14:00.010-06:00

This is exactly what's happening to me at this moment. There's not one, single thing that's gone right, and things are only getting worse. As for my health, well, I'm really sliding downhill. I had a horrible cold that has transformed into a terrible high fever, with horrible all-over body aches. I can't even stand to get out of bed to take Jack to potty. I can stand outside long enough to let him pee, but any longer than that, and I feel like fainting. I've been denied independent health care coverage by BCBS, twice, so Dave suggested I go apply for charity care tomorrow at Kirklin, because I'm not eligible for Medicaid. Which means, I get free coverage and my doctors get no money. I'm overdue for a pap, the dentist, and whatever else is going to hit me out of the blue. You have no idea how much I hate charity care. I mean, it's good for those who need it, but I don't need it. I need a goddamn job and some fucking insurance. I need a car. I need whatever has me possessed to leave my body and let me get on with my life, what little is left of it. I'm in so much pain, I can't even describe what it's like. Let's just say, I can lay flat on my back, and it feels like something is ravaging my body at every point. There hasn't been one minute that I've been out of pain for about a week, now. Now, there's the rain and the cold, and I'm just waiting to end up like one of those elderly patients, who's fixed in a rigor mortis position, knees and arms drawn up to my chest.

There's not one good thing I have to report...except that Cris is still hanging around, which for the life of me, has me baffled. I managed to get seriously and disgustingly ill, then immediately pass it on to him, and not only that, but I'm getting SICKER. Thankfully (well, not to me), he's leaving on Thursday to go on tour and won't be back for a week. MAYBE, just maybe, I'll get better in that small amount of time, although I'm not looking for anything. Seriously. I'm not looking for anything to happen. I'm literally just waiting to die at this point. I can't believe how fucking horrible I feel. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know what kind of job I should get, once I get my car back. I don't even know what to do with my fucking future. I really want to just light my entire life on fire and walk away - nay, RUN away. Run as fast as my fucking feet can possibly carry me.

Eg. Sitting here, typing on the computer, with my elbows bent, I'm experiencing the most excruciating pain in both my elbows - why? Who knows?

Anyway, fuck some future, fuck some plans, fuck some getting better, fuck everything there is to fuck. For some reason, God hates me and is keeping me alive, and all I'm doing is suffering. I don't even fucking feel like crying anymore. I used to think I had this grand plan I was supposed to fulfill, that I was going to meet the most awesome guy, and we'd live happily ever after, doing whatever it was we did. But, now, I know that's completely untrue. God is punishing me for what happened with Aaron all those years ago. I've tried to tell Him that I learned my lesson, but it's fruitless. He doesn't care. This is all some masterful character-building bullshit that seriously makes me want to commit suicide. But, I don't think I could even do that right. I know people always say He doesn't give us more than we can handle, but um, what happens when yu can't do it anymore? Seriously? If this "taking one for the human race" was actually going to accomplish something, like stopping world hunger, or stopping all abuse, or stopping all suffering, then I'd totally buck up and take it with my mouth shut. So far, it's done nothing but make me mean and thankless and hateful, and I don't fucking want to do it anymore!

What the fuck ever - like bitching ever solved anything.

Anyway, here's the comic - it's from Buttersafe. It portrays my life perfectly at this exact moment. It's probably why I've suddenly spiked the fever this morning, because I'm fucking possessed. The sad thing is, it wouldn't surprise me - AT ALL.

Right, and disregard the joke about the junk. Mine just says "Sucks to be you."

And, for what-the-fuck-ever reason, the comic won't blow up, so here's the link. Sorry. It's much funnier when you know what the damn thing says.

Summary, part 1

2009-10-23T18:41:00.008-05:00

Okay, yikes. So, I haven't posted in a while. That's how most of my posts have been starting out as of late, so in a desperate attempt to keep from repeating myself AGAIN, let's just get on with it.

So, I haven't been incredibly inspired to write or post, which is weird. A lot has been going on. But, I just haven't felt the need to share. Well, that, and I'm not really sure with whom I'm sharing anymore. But, I'm not turning this bitch private. My private stuff I just don't post. And, if it's THAT private, then I keep it to myself altogether. Something that caustic can do no good once it leaves my body/mind/mouth.

Right now, I'm waiting for Trevin to get home from work, so he can come get his Xbox, that I've been playing for the past two hours. Cris is at work, although we weren't sure if he had to work tonight. I just got done chatting with Phil, and he's about to make him and Jezzy something to eat. Oh, and a few days ago, he finally brought her over here to play with Jack - they had SO MUCH FUN! And, it was fun watching them. They're so violent, but pits play with their mouths (well, Jezzy uses her hands, too, since she's part boxer), and they weren't mean-fighting. They just play-fought. But, it was so loud, and Jezzabelle would throw her shoulder into Jack and take him straight to the ground, just like he was nothing. It was great. Now, I wish I would have taken pictures.

Hmmm...I usually have more to say than I think I do. I keep thinking maybe I should post every day, but I have a feeling that would get a bit monotonous. Plus, my thoughts are completely different now that I'm not depressed and stressed as shit every, single day. Less thought-provoking, more in the light.

I don't know. I'm listening to music right now, and I'm about to pick Oblivion back up and start playing again. My mind is going a mile a minute right now, but there are reasons behind it.

Cris asked if I wanted to move in together last night, and I'm still tossing that around in my head. I mean, I said yes. But, I'm nervous. I don't know what this is, and of course, you DON'T know, unless you try. But, I'm not looking for something temporary.

But, I still have feelings for Phil...and I'm PRETTY sure he doesn't have feelings for me (other than carnal - let's be honest), but I don't think I could get him to tell me one way or the other, even if I held a fucking bow and arrow to his temple. He used to be so good about talking to me, but things change over time. I miss him....

God, this is so sucking. But, hey. If this is as bad as it is right now, amen, my friends. Praise God for the ups AND the downs.

A guy I went to high school with referred me to a friend of his, who works on Hondas, and he's going to come pick my car up tomorrow (from the Waffle House on University, where it's been for almost three weeks) and take it to get fixed!!! WOO! Once I get my car fixed, I can get a job, and I'll be straight. In the meantime, I've been hanging out here...at home...doing NOTHING. I'm sure people on Facebook are like, "does she seriously live here?" Ok, for now, yes, I do. And, I HATE Facebook! I like being able to stay in touch with people I want to, but that whole whorish adding of friends and becoming fans of Starbucks and sleeping on your side, etc.

Whatever. Do what you want. That's all that matters to me. Everyone can do their own thing and leave me to mine. When our paths cross, then what's up? Until then, do what you do.

How profound of me. &=)

Ok, so right. Anyone have anything pertinent to add? Anyone even out there anymore? I really hope to get better with my blogging, but I keep saying that, so srsly - don't hold your breath. Omg, I finally got to see my Migs after about a month, and she brought me the ruling book of the century. All other books will be put aside until I can read this:

No, I don't know what it's about yet, nor do I care. But, a book with Jane Austin...AND ZOMBIES??!?! WHAT??!?!?!!! Yeah, I did the extraneous punctuation!!!!! What are you going to do about it???????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Okay, Trevin's here. We're going to chill and play Xbox. I'll update more as I see fit...like, tomorrow. In the meantime, well, take it easy. I plan on doing the same.

*hugs*

Better

2009-10-05T00:03:00.002-05:00

Things are...better.

They're getting better.

I feel better.

It will be better.

Patience just isn't a friend of mine.

Paul will be here on Tuesday, and we can figure out what to do about the car. Still looking for work - running out of places that aren't in the Southside area, which is going to be impossible, without a car. You know how it is.

Spent the evening comforting a friend, who is also on the verge. We all get there - some of our trains just move a little quicker and more erratically than others (me).

Now, I lay me down to sleep...next to someone who is very dear to me. I hope this remains so.

Goodnight, my friends. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They are very much needed and always appreciated. My heart belongs to you, as well.

Love.

Life, interrupted...

2009-10-02T13:21:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed. Since losing my job, the only thing I've been able to focus on (obsess over) is finding a job. Then, my car died. So, now I have that, too.

Now, Kate just called and said Grammy's in the hospital, uncontrollably bleeding from her mouth. She had three teeth pulled yesterday, and for the love of all that is holy, I'll never know WHY they did it yesterday. She's been on blood thinners for over a year, because of her pacemaker, and now...

WHY is this happening???? WHY can I not get to my family???? YES, my family needs me - I don't care if they have their own "family units" or do their own things, there are times when they need me. This would be one of those good times to have a car.

Thank God for Kate, though. She said she hadn't heard from Grammy, so she went by to check, and Gordon was in the bed, apparently passing a kidney stone. Grammy had called the ambulance on her own, to take her to the hospital. (I'm glad to see all that ragging we did to her, about calling the ambulance when you're in trouble, didn't go to waste.) So, Kate said she got up there, and Gram was already in a room. I'm assuming they have her on antibiotics and God only knows what else (yes, that hospital still makes me nervous).

GOD DAMMIT, this makes me SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!! HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??? I'm 32 fucking years old, and I have NO job and NO car! And, it's not like I'm not trying! This is insane! I've put in apps and resumes everywhere, I've called, I've gone on interviews - if I hadn't just signed this nine month lease, I'd say fuck Birmingham and go elsewhere. I know your problems are your problems NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, but Christ. There has to be better opportunity than here in the hell of the south.

Yes, I've considered it all - going back to school, doing regular desk work, cleaning toilets, just picking up and leaving. I have NO SHAME when it comes to work! I can work alongside anyone, doing anything. It may be harder for me, but I don't care. Work is work, and that's what I need right now.

Also, there's a possibility that I could be denied for my unemployment, so that's going to be even better! I'm assuming, now, that my life was meant for me to strictly owe something to everyone. Whether or not they hold me accountable or we have a tally, it's just going to happen. There's no getting rich and famous. There's no paying anyone back. I know that now. It's all very evident. I will have no success in my life. I'M DEALING WITH IT.

Jesus, I don't know how I got onto this. I haven't updated on anything that's going on. Jack is whining, and I just changed my bedsheets. That's about all I can say. I met a fantastic guy, who has his own "other" who still exists in his life, so that's fun. In fact, she's coming to visit in a week or so. I know what it's like on both sides of the coin, I assure you. I like him a lot. He's an actor, and he's just an all-around stellar person. He makes my heart flutter. He makes me smile. He laughs at all the ridiculous things I say. He's outwardly beautiful with a magnificent soul.

And, I know he wasn't meant for me, but it's fun to pretend, huh? He's so above me in every conceivable way. And, I'm so envious to play a part in his life.

I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't talk to God as much as I should. Usually, when I do, I'm begging for help. (Hell, isn't that what we all do?) I really have been fabulously blessed. Without Dave, I don't know where I'd be right now. (Bankrupt, no doubt.) Heather and I have grown so far apart, I had forgotten her phone number the other day. Her father passed away this week, and all I wanted was to be there for her, but...

Life has been so hard on me this past month. I don't mean all the laying around I get to do at home, while waiting on pins and needles for phone calls, compulsively checking my email for job offers, scouring the internet for jobs and cars, anything I can find, popping a couple of klonopin when I'm pretty sure my insides are about to become part of my outsides.

That's it. That has been my life. Every now and again, I find kind friends who will deliver to me a momentary reprieve and take me away from here. There are so many people I have to thank, but no way to show my gratitude.

Thank you, friends. I haven't anything to show how much I love and adore each one of you. And, I know you don't all read this, but I will get the word out somehow. My life is still in the usual upheaval as it always is, but you, my dear friends, make it all the more bearable. You keep my insanity tamed, although I feel it lashing out from time to time. One day, I hope for you all to see me as who I truly am. I am a happy, jovial, kind, loving and carefree person. Scoff, though you might - it's true. There are people who knew me "before."

But, I love all of you unconditionally, and I can never thank you for all you've done for me. One day, if it's at all possible, I hope you make you proud. In the meantime, I am forever indebted to your constant kindness, thoughts and favors. I'm so undeserving of the loving friends I have. I love each one of you.

Thank you.

Prayers to my family and my friends. We ALL need help right now.

excuses for everything

2009-09-22T04:29:00.004-05:00

Hahaha, I knew I'd seen Hugh Laurie before. I used to watch Jeeves & Wooster when I was growing up, and I thought he was a die-hard hottie then! Maybe England is my destiny - ha! Dental hygiene will have had to improve immensely in the past few years.

Until then, Laurie rules me. He's truly a man to worship.

Wtf am I doing up this early?

Oh yeah, I was thinking about that A&E comedy I used to watch about that old time radio show, and I can't think of the name of it.

Apparently that was reason to rouse at 4 in the morning.

it doesn't have to have a title, bitch. just publish it.

2009-09-21T18:41:00.003-05:00

I have three downers - let's see which one works the quickest.

If anyone needs me, I'll be drugged, stoned and drunk at my house.

This is too much for me. Another Monday, and more of the same nothing. It's getting harder and harder to remain upright.

For those of you whom this disappoints, get used to the real world, to a life where someone IS alone and IS hard-headed and doesn't WANT help.

This is my fucking life.

I just spent the last 40 min or so in full-on attack. I screamed at Jack and threw him back in his crate. I screamed. I got down on the floor and did 100 sit-ups. I screamed some more. I felt as though I was giving birth to the antichrist. Right now I'm doing that fucked-up rocking that mental patients do...WHEN WE TRY TO CONTROL...... We need to control something.

No. No no no no no no.

I'm tired of dreaming about EITHER of them - I'm sick of seeing them in my mind. GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!! CAN YOU HEAR THAT???????? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! I DONT' LOVE EITHER OF YOU ANY-FUCKING-MORE!!!!!!!

I took two of the pills and of course that's a long drawn out waiting in line at the dmv to get your tag renewed and then you find out you're in the wrong line, so you wait in THAT line, and have one question for the lady, can i ask you, and then you're back in the back of the first mother fucking line you started in. This is what they use to make people crazy. They test you. Everyone's a fucking test.

They watch you, they monitor your brains, your heart rate and when they think you're just about to burst, they let you go. Some people don't make it though, they blow up anyway. They have to take those away before they even reach the window.

It's fucked up everything is fucked up. i don't know why i don't have a job, but i surely understand the effects on a person who for some FUCKED UP REASON NEEDS WORK TO LIVE. I NEED ACTION. I NEED PEOPLE. HOW CAN A LONER NEED PEOPLE. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I don't understnad why i was made this way. why did i get the major balance of the crazy genes? and how did i also manage to acquire all of the fucked up "prove it to yourself/everyone else" genes. SO I'M CRAZY, BUT I WITHSTAND IT JUST TO PROVE SOME IRRELEVANT POINT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!

why do we do that? why do we care about those who don't care about us? People at work dont care about you - they just want something to talk about. here, let me put my arm around you in order to feed you some of MY special brown-nosing juice. then you just tell me every little thing that is \bothering you....I'll care (or try to).

My heart feels like it's going to explode, and honestly, i hope it does. I'd rather go out in a flash of glory like this, full on crazy. Then to die in a car crash. Because as we all know YOU MOTHER FUCKING CONTROL CRAZY, LIKE ID LIKE TO CONTROL MYSELF WITH A GUN IN MY MOUTH.

I'm not going to do it - i want it to happen naturally. maybe all my disease will come together and create this fucked up mega-fuck entity. Here we have a mix of depression, anxiety, reflux, meniere's, codependence, chronic pain, the fact that i'm a woman and have feelings and shit, i have acold, i'm on my period, i havren't gotten out of the bed before noon or brushed my teeth in three weeks,

the downers. the downers are up. i don't know how to fix that. it would be like skiing in reverse. or hearing me tell another story without having to use some GOD DAMN FUCKING psalm or illustration of ignorance. i always DO that. it's what makes you endearing BULLSHIT it's what makes you FUCKING ANNOYING. You'll never get married or date, because you're changing and not in a good way. youve taken the path of "righteous" - the righteous which "they" instilled in you - instead of the path of not internet dating because someone believes its bad. but you meet all the wrong people, and in mostly the wrong places.

and they TOUCH YOU, and they fuck you and they RAPE YOU, and i've looked in your eyes and know that it was you he raped. They all rape us. I can see it in his eyes too - except his always betray "i really didn't want to, but i couldn't control myself"

CONTROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Control. That is SO fucking important! I can honestly say right mother fucking now, I'm am totally in and completely mother fucking out with not even a thread to spare of control.

I just want

I justwa nt

i justwant to

be able to let go and say to hell with it, this is WHO I AM FUCKED UP GENE POOL FOR SALE!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha that's what I tell them whenever they ask, tell me about you.

well, i'm crazy, depression, chronic pain.

must be horrible. can i have my phone number back?

That guy I fucked in the park. That guy I fucked while I was in rehab. The guy who raped me at my very first apartment. The fact that as i sat on the porch of my mom's and my home, with Aaron, the one i loved more than my own life, and TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM BUT I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssss my fucking brain is screaming at my to SHUT THE FUCK UP WOULD YOU? NO ONE WILL EVER CHASE YOU THIS FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OHhhhhhhhhhhh of course, HERE some the tears. *sniff I PROCLAIM ON THE INTERNET, WHERE PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES, BEING FAMOUS, HAVING THEIR PICTURE UP, HAVING OTHERS ADORE THEM, WANT TO BE THEIR FREIDNS. They hob nob all right so that they're eulogy will sound good at the funeral.

"she was always so nice to me online! she never forgot my birthday, and she always sent me 117 babe points on FB. she wuz a3e50nnE!!!!!!!!!!

TALK LIKE PEOPLE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! USE ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO TELL ALL THESE LEET SPEAKING OFFSPRING TO LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH OR GO BACK TO YOUR OWN GOD-DAMN COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you can't spell the simplest of words with your schedule, you should either learn to loosen up or be shot. that's all.

I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT GRAMMAR!

I STILL SMOKE HOOCH!

I USED TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC! (and i'll be god if i'm workin gon it again)

I USED TO FUCK WHATEVER MOVES!

MY MEDS DON'T WORK, BECAUSE, WELL, IF I TAKE ANY ILL FUUUUUUUCKING RUN OUT YOU COCK GENIUS.

So, I pretend normalcy - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? OH, EXAMPLE. IT'S NOT FEELING LIKE THIS! IT'S FEELING LIKE YOU *FIT THE GOD DAMN NORM* OF WHAT YOUR SOCIETY HAS ALREADY PUT INTO PLACE BEFORE YOU WERE EVER FUCKING BORN.

HAHAHAHAHA Some of us can't make it. I can't make it. No one sent me the packet for me to sign up. In fact - oh, I know where mine is. My mom has it - she figured i would NEVER FUCKING BE ABLE to do anything for my own fucked up loser self, so she'd keep the secrets of life all to hers

Up yours MOM. You have royally fucked me up. I don't remenber this, or I would have stoppped you. and you took my bank account away when i overdrew once. I WAS FUCKING 15 TEACH ME A GOD DAMN THING.

I'm not pretty MOM. I won't make it on my looks MOM, unless i spread my legs more often. anything more you can tell me about that??????? ANYTHING? ABOUT MAYBE CHEATING WITH PEOPLE, PEOPL I STILL TO THIS DAY KNOW AND MEET AND SEE AND CRINGE AND WANT TO FILLET?

people i will never be able to talk about, because of the shame they would bring on their families. well, even though their families don't know, it doesn't make the disappointment any less THERE, by those who know. those ones you don't think know, they know. and they scowl when they see you. soooo many of them, seeking to set apart their justice, since everyone else can.

Perfect

PERFECT

pERfECt

PeRfEcT

God damn people. God damn us all. We are dammed, whether we are saved or lost. We always pick up new bits of info - don't hurt others, don't cheat, don't sneak around - yet we all continue to do it, because at the time, it can be justified and be given complete amnesty and reason for what happens. i was in this part of town, she asked me up, i just assumed, she threw herself at me.

And, from ME, what do they want? They want FUCK. They want sex. NO ONE wants to hear anything the day after. I mean why would they? They GOT WHAT THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT - he just parked a Publix sign on top o yo head! And you can pick up a coupon as you walk in the door.

We do the same - we do it and do it and claim womens rights. WHAT? You're bunkus, AND you're a whore! I'm a whore too. I take what i want and go.

WEREALLTHESAMEITWILLNEVERBEDIFFERENTEVEREVERANDSOMEONENEEDSTOSAYIT

I lived the ULTIMATE life of sin, but I've since come back, with a pyrrhic effect it seem. I've brought along several companions that give me uninhibited fun.

And the farmers WHY DO WE CELEBRATE THEM??? They've been DESTROYED by Monsanto and by big corporations and their god-damn here have it now where's my toy can i get a fucking refill on this damn diet coke actions. You celebrate it all based on your own hubris - these are the last pictures you're going to see of a farmer on a tractor, because that is so beginning of timme. But we celebrate you, the ones who did all the hard work to get the land up to spec, so you could come in and do all the fucking easy work.

I'm envious! If I had all the money, I'd give it all away. Everyone in the whole fucking universe gets 100 fucking pieces to barter and trade. Use them wisely. Instead of let's elect an official and give him ALLLLLLLL THE FUCKING MONEY FOR THEM TO "HONESTLY DISTRIBUTE"

GREAT IDEA!!! *high fives all around*

And, we'll call it "ECONOMY."

Hey, btw did you get your check in the mail; i never saw a check; i got mine and it was less than they said it would be

Who's going to stand up? No one. And, we're all guilty. We can't assume we've all had the same experiences, the same lessons learned, definitely not the same psychotical because your dads family tried to fucking kidnap your shit, puppetal, latchkey baby mothers and upbringings. just trust me on this.

Lucky, my stent through hardcore was brief, but harmful. I lost the two THE TWO MEN I LOVED by being me. THE CRAZY ME!!!!! Me. ME. mE. me. me what a fucking joke. We lose our ways and try to make sense of whatever you have in front of you.

ITS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT DON"T USE THOSE VARIABLES@!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just because it's THERE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU IN THE ROOM YOU LEFT IT IN YOUR PANTS IN THE DRYER there. You're looking right at it. Sometimes it comes to visit later.but whatever you're given DONT TAKE THE GRAIN OF SALT!!!! It's no good, and with it, the stories start to make more sense. Can you see that?

The world, the meaning is to be kind - to CO-EXIST. That's the reason, otherwise, he would have only put one lousy bone-headed lackey out here. if God wanted to see fussing and hatred the world have only had those people. Your not god's video game. i know you're not because you told me that even you don't believe that.

GOD ISN"T VENGEFUL. he just wants you to get up, brush your shit off, get your shit together, and give him a few min to talk to you. There are those of us who aren't as strong. it's about strong protecting the weak, no dividing land and air up over what's mine is mine.

GOD SAID THAT? In the BIBLE>??| Someone needs to show me that. It's US. I don't even blame EL DIABLO with the fire and triton and stuff that HE could make us be as stupid as we are. Your head is stuck in a confundus cloud in the maze. you OBVIOUSLY can't figure out right from wrong. understandable.

BUT AS A sane human being think - I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how do you do it teach me because it's obviousy the only way to survive anymore. compassion gets you a BULLSHIT BOOT PRINT to the forehead.

This is incredible. Jack is whining, stuck in a crate covered in piss despite the fact i just cleaned itout. yes, i regret having him right now. i do love him and will do whatever i have to to make him happy, but right now., i need a babysitter or a surrogate family to help. or a boyfriend, which won't happen. fuck guys and their fucking whatever makes them them. i've THROWN myself at him, and he doesn't want to do anything but fuck. WELL I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING BUT FUCK. how does that strike you? pants on fire, running the other direction? thought so, you god-damn pussy.

I'D LIKE ANY FUCKING FAMILY TO HELP! this is where i open up, and it won't be good. my familys busy i know with family and school and work - i wish i was that too.

But i get very, very few calls or checkups on how i'm doing as time wanes. i know exactly how grammy feels. i mean, she lives in town and she can't get any family action. she does some - i'll admit dianes really changed since her church transition-thingie (and i will get yelled at that later) and her collecting bobs backpay insurance. "Just pray and it will happen"

Well here's an idea. What if god make me this complete psychopathic entity such as myself and then wants me to be patient???????? I'm running the funds down of one of my friends. I know everyone's down, but i don't even get a remotely inquisitive question about HOW I AM. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU MOTHER FUCKERS JUST YOUR GOD DAMN VOICE ON THE PHONE EVERY SO OFTEN AND FEIGNING ANY SORT OF INTEREST ON WHAT'S GOING THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How's your bank account - empty. Hows your car search - frivolous. LET ME ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE. It's funner that way! It make me think you give a GOD DAMN

about me at all. I mean, I supposed I don't care if you do, it's just all niceties. I don't FUCKING want anyone to do anything - JUST MOTHER FUCKING LISTEN - IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK??????????????????

???????????

is it? am i too needy? i call at all the wrong times. i call when i need advice. i call when i want to hear your voice, amy - when i want to hear my mama, again. i talk to you, phil, because i remember at one time we were good. i don't call to fucking get laid. the only one i'm honest with is my grandmother - and all she does is worry. i don't call heather anymore, because she's too busy. and she's leaving. and it's already changed. i'm a horrible friend. i really really am. i wish i could get anything right. i suppose i do better when things are in order and i can find things, and my clothes arent dirty. but i need help. i want help. i want a partner - not a gay partner, but a guy partner. i want to get back into that comfort zone where i know i love someone and i know he loves me. i'm not looking for stellar, just commitment. but what happens when you find all the people who want you, but you don't want? what happens then? what do you do? i KNOW if i work with someone. i can tell, and most guys i get - i can promise it won't work. because you have no idea what sort of train-wreck you think you can handle.

just find me, someone. please. i coudl really use your help right now. if nothing else, just fellowship.

just talk.

AND thank you my dear cory. hes just imformed me that they position at his place has been filled.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ATHANK YOU AND GOONIGHT!

Facing it all, with very little ammo...

2009-09-14T11:37:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I haven't been on in a while, but I promise to get my mind together and get posting again. Just not right now. I'm in a pretty salty state-of-mind, so you really don't want to hear what I'm thinking. (Which is actually the best time to post, but I'll try to calm down in the meantime.)

I finally got into my apartment (still waiting on someone to help me move the fucking tv), and I finally got my internet (although, I'm not using it near as much as I used to). I'm wavering on the tight edge of depression, not having a job, no car, being broke, and having to rely on others just to be able to take a breath in the morning, so I'm under quite a bit of duress. Plus, they cut off the water to our entire complex today, because we had a water mane break last week, so it spewed forth completely clean water (what a waste) all weekend long.

What I'm trying to say is I'm really pissy, AND I'm about to start my period. I'd just as easily punch someone in the face right now, as buy a loaf of bread.

I'll update on SOMEthing soon. There's so much, I don't even know where to start. But, I think I can manage.

Until then, don't hold your breath.

Love you, guys.

What do YOU think about?

2009-08-26T15:01:00.008-05:00

I found this while looking something up (no, not a job), and I was laughing SO HARD at it, someone in Books, Beans & Candles asked me if I was okay. &=P I guess it is kinda strange, in a fairly quiet place, if someone is quietly heaving with laughter, with tears streaming down her face. Oops. &=P

*Obviously, the ones in bold red are the ones I can completely relate to and have at one time given deep thought to.

Also, I have a couple of my own to add:

- I'm sitting in a very tiny shop, working on the computer, and there's a man who came in here, and is sitting at a table alone, no books or computer and just staring at everyone. I think there ARE actually inappropriate places to go "people watching." This is one of those places.

- I hate when I've been listlessly gazing around, with nothing on my mind, I make eye contact with someone. I wonder if they think I've been staring at them and how long I was staring. (I also fear people can see me looking at them through my sunglasses.)

Btw, please add your own in the comments! I'm fascinated by the absolutely random things people think about!

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. That’s enough, Nickelback.

7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it. (I felt this way with Ghostbusters 2 recently).

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying

22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

35. Bad decisions make good stories

36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

57. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

58. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

59. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

60. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

61. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

62. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Anaphylaxis due to sorrow

2009-08-16T14:38:00.004-05:00

This is not going to be easy.

I can already tell.

I took a handful of meds about 30 min ago, in the hopes that their cumulative effects would efficiently knock me out. No such damn luck.

Jack is agitated, I'm standing on the edge...aside from getting very little accomplished yesterday with moving, this has been the worst weekend I've had this year. I'm trying to be objective and adult about all this, and I can already see, it's not going to work out that way.

As harsh as this may sound*, and as many people it's liable to offend, you know I have nothing but real and true love in my heart for all of you, who have managed to stick by me over the years, even if it's only for my "incredibly entertaining and spontaneous wit," as one friend was recently quoted as saying.

(Seriously, WHERE do you guys come up with this stuff? Hey, I'm TOTALLY flattered, and it makes me smile, but I haven't the slightest idea how I'm any more entertaining than that horse who ended up spending the night in the alcove of a bank. Stuff happens, words come out of my mouth, I do things, and that's it - I pretty much follow the same patterns everyone else does.)

*I don't trust anyone. Once she's gone, there's no one on earth in whom I have that absolute and implicit trust. And, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I NEED to have that one who is my complete, impartial sounding board. And, although there are people who love me (question your motives, please), there will never be another soul who is as absolutely intune with my life as she is. My friends are her friends. She knows my every thought. She can sort and separate every tear I've ever shed. We've had a friendship that could rival all others.

I would NOT be alive today, if it weren't for God's grace of letting me borrow her for a while.

But, why?

So, now, this lame human being will be left to the elements, tossed to and fro in a sea of distrust, untrustworthy emotions, lies, snakes, thieves, the selfish who seek only to build within themselves and only destroy all those external.

How can this happen, just from her moving 450 mi away, a 7-hour drive?

It will. Not because I want it to. But, I'm not big on relying on false hope. I'd rather be disappointed now, with the possibility of redemption in the future, rather than pretending it's all just going to be hunky-dory.

Already, the dynamics of our friendship have changed. No, I don't love her any less. I just suddenly feel like I've been inadvertently thrown from the airlock, without a tether. As I'm slowly floating away, I can see the friendship, as a whole, orbiting around what used to be our planet, our life together, in the inky, black void. But, eventually, time will take over, other friends come into play, LIFE goes on. Not much you can do but "stay in touch."

I wish everyone could understand what I'm talking about. I wish everyone had one of "THOSE" friends, the one whom you could call in 3a in the morning, if you drank too much and forgot where you parked your car; or to whom you can cry about dumb things, like Harry Potter's owl dying; or you can use the most random string of words, and she can always translate - because she always knows. She always understands.

She's the kind of person who, even within a week of meeting her, and you end up in the psych ward at the hospital, she'll shock you to death by voluntarily coming for a visit, armed with nothing but a card, a hug and a few encouraging words.

As eloquently as I'd like for things to come across, I don't know if there's ever another word I'm going to be able to say to her.

I just wish I could avoid the personal affront this is creating in my mind. I don't even want it to be an issue. But, I can't stop thinking about it. It wears me out. The crying is draining me. And, I've lost that awesome fire that was stoked, when I got my apartment. This has created an angry mark of dispair, that now stains everything.

I don't want to tell her these things, because I don't want to hurt her. I'd give my life for her to never have another tear fall from her eye, to never experience another ounce of pain. I guess that's why I'm telling myself. Once again, though - I don't trust anyone. Not even me.

I know that I can never give her back what's she's given to me - unwaivering support. And, there's no sense in me even trying, because any of my attempts would seem so trite and "pedestrian."

Haha, I can't even use that word without wanting to laugh, but all that seems to be coming out are these stinging, hurtful tears, laced with feelings of betrayal and anger. My throat is coated in mourning, and I feel like if I say anything, all that would come out would be a sad hymn of the loss of innocence. My brain pounds with good memories and bad. My heart skips beats for all the time we didn't make the most of.

I'm so sorry. This won't make sense to any of you, and I apologize. The way I describe it, it's like I'm watching her die or that I'll never see her again. I wish I could simplify my feelings about her, but the only thing I can possibly relay is, I've always put a LOT of stock in having friends and then, a BEST friend. I may say someone is one of my best friends, but that friend has nothing on Heather. It's just because somehow, Heather and I have always had this special connection, this level on which we alone function. There's nothing that I've ever requested of her, that she hasn't been more than willing to provide, no matter how heinous.

She's been my mother, my sister, my devil's advocate, my sounding board, my conscience, my everything...

I can only tell you that she's my very best friend in the world, and although I must, I don't want to do this without her. I'm losing her. She may still grant me the honorary gratis title, but nothing will ever be the same.

She's my best friend, and I love her. And, I'm scared to lose her.

My Life Hurts

2009-08-15T10:22:00.003-05:00

I'm moving today.

I don't feel like it, though.

I just found out that my best friend is going to be moving back home to Brunswick, GA in April. So, I've officially had all the wind let out of my sails.

My wings have been clipped, and I'm laying on the ground, tired and naked and vulnerable.

Most of you won't understand why this is such a big deal to me, but I know there's a handful of you who will.

I'm defined by who she is. I am who I am, BECAUSE of her. I'm always hesitant to let so much of my being be attributed to the results of another person. But, it's true. Heather has seen me through the worst stent of my life, and I owe her everything.

Her husband, Lee, got the job at the new VA that's being built in Brunswick. Her family and all her old friends are also there, so I truly can understand why she wants to go back. If Pell City built a new hospital and I could get decent pay, I'd totally go back there - not because of the city, but because of my family (I don't think I have any friends back home). But, that's a difference between a 40-min drive and a 6-7-hr drive.

I knew this was in the works, and I knew Lee getting the job was inevitable. But, no matter how long I knew about it, I don't think there was any way I could have ever prepared myself for this.

I had hoped to amuse you with anecdotes about moving this weekend, but I hope you'll forgive me, as I withdraw back into the dark, interminable forest for a while. My heart is shattered, my hands are shaking, and the tears just won't stop falling. I had horrible, fitful sleep last night, where I woke up crying, tormented with horrible dreams. It was only after I had regained coherence that I realized that all the nightmares were true, and she really is leaving.

As usual, I'm not looking for pity. I'm just asking for your patience. I may be a strong person, but it doesn't come without a dreadful price. I'm only talking about it, now, because it's the most important thing I have going on. I was excited about moving to my new apartment...but now I can barely move my arms. I feel like I've done something very horrible to deserve this - and, yes, my heart is already trying to cut ties. My friend Kristin was here last night, helping me pack, when I got the news. Kristin said it's just that reactionary "cut all ties before you get hurt anymore." I understand. Even before I had hung the phone up, I'd already started to resent her.

None of that matters, though. All the little stuff is just feelings and crap, and it's all very trite. In the overall big picture, I just want her to be happy, and I know this will make her happy. It would make me happy, too. I could hear the happiness in her voice, in the brief moment we were on the phone.

I can hardly hold my head up, I'm so worn. I keep thinking that I don't know how many more trials through which I can possibly push myself. But, I suppose I'll live through as many of them as it takes.

I came upstairs, while Kristin was downstairs and cried out loud. I didn't cry to God - I'm mad at Him right now, even though it's not His fault. He's not doing anything to spite me...but I'm still mad. I just cried for sorrow. The girls came and got on the bed with me, and Jack whined from his crate. They know I'm hurting.

And, I am.

She wants to come over to help us pack today, but I don't want her to. Kristin said I should cherish the time I have left with her, but...I'm in so much pain.

I suppose I should be looking for bigger and better things to happen, now, but I can't even see through my own tears. I NEED time to mourn. And, I DON'T want to hear sermons or preaching or crap about friendship, because I just need time to hurt. I need time to cry. I need space to fall apart.

But, this time, I'll be putting my own pieces back together.

MY apartment, NOT his.

2009-08-07T10:57:00.004-05:00

Lots to post, no time to sit and think.

I'm moving into my apartment this weekend! &=D Actually, my friend Paul helped me start moving on Wednesday. He said, "why don't you just call and see if you can get the keys today? Then, we can start moving things." So, I called, got my money order for my first month, filled out all my paperwork, and I got my keys that day!

I can't even begin to express how excited I am (infinitely)! &=) In fact, I don't have time to right now! I use lots of words, a fact of which I'm sure you are all aware.

But, I ran across this thing called Translation Party, where it translates things to Japanese and back to English, since our languages don't always decipher, one into the other, very well.

So, I put in:
I am moving into my apartment this weekend

And, here's what I got back:

1st trans to Jap: 私は彼のアパートに、今週末の移動午前
1st trans back to Eng: His apartment I am moving this weekend

2nd trans back to Jap: 彼のアパートに私はこの週末に移動午前

2nd trans back to Eng: I am moving into his apartment this weekend

Um, NO! I'm moving into MY apartment! ALLLLLLLL mine! &=)

Several people have commented on how happy I am. Someone said that he didn't think he'd EVER seen me this happy. That made me sad. (kidding) But, I realized that this has been more oppressive and burdensome than I had originally thought. I thought I was just...I don't know - me. Eventually, though, the high will wear off, and I'll be forced to cope with daily life, again.

But, right now, I'm having the time of my life! &=)

Jack's with Ralph - he's keeping him until next week. We'll get everything moved (no, I don't know how, yet), I'll bring the girls in to acclimate them, get my bed built (WOOHOO!!!!), get Jackson's crate cleaned and put back together, and we'll be ready to live! I'm so excited that we're going to all be on the same level (even though Mama has a door *wink*), because I think we'll be a lot better able to commune and get a little closer to each other...without Jammy always having the option to run downstairs and escape into the bathroom. &=P

I'm hoping that we'll get a lot done and maybe we can start unpacking things...which is a little weird to me - other people touching my things. But, it's okay. I want to get unpacked this time. I wouldn't mind making this place "home".... for a little while, at least. No more attic, no more boxes.

I can't wait. &=)

From the frying pan to another frying pan

2009-07-30T09:05:00.004-05:00

Haha, I had actually just started this blog off by saying that I was feeling a little better, but that rug was just jerked out from under me!

I had an apartment picked out and was ready to sign, so I called about it today, but the lady told me it was taken!

That had taken so much unnecessary stress off of me, but now, it's been heaped right back up on my shoulders.

Shit.

Anyway, I talked to that same girl with Apartment Locators and have her back on the hunt. I also talked to this guy at Select My Space, and he said to call back on Aug 1, because they'll have tons of notices coming in for Sept 1, since that's when I plan to be out.

Also, there's the world's most adorable house that's rent-to-own, which is ideally the most awesome of all the plans. It even says they deal with crappy credit.

*sigh*

I know this will all work out, but it's the constant anxiety and the potential heart attacks looming over me that get me right now. And, it's inevitable with me. Unless I'm supposed to stay doped up on klonopin, and that can't happen.

Physical therapist Joe says "relaxed tall." Dr Handley says "breathe."

fall.ing.a.part.

2009-07-28T15:05:00.002-05:00

I'm trying not to cry, and I'm trying not to scream.

So far, holding both in are doing me no good.

Meeting with Dave after work to get help.

Wish me luck.

A very resistant request for HELP...

2009-07-27T09:18:00.008-05:00

I don't ask for this a lot, but I need some thought and prayer...for myself. No matter how much others will always protest that it's okay for me to ask for help, so will I. I don't believe I'm in the position to ever be deserving of the help and assistance that others give me. I never will be, because there are so many others in need right now.

What I'm saying is, my life feels as though it's kind of spiraling out of control, and as you know, I don't like not having control over my life. I guess I'm not supposed to - that's for God. But, I don't even want God to have to have His hands in a mess such as this. It's not that I don't trust Him, and I know I don't talk to Him as much as I should, but I never ask for help on my behalf.

Right now, I need help. My mind feels like a blender and my life like a toilet. It's not even fair for me to say that. But, it's what I'm thinking and feeling.

I have a job...doesn't matter, though, because I hate it. Actually, LOATHE would be a more appropriate word.
I have my health...although my ills always seem to overwhelm whatever's still okay.
I have my family...but I don't see them as much as I should.

I have a lot, but everything's so askew right now (and I'm having such an incredibly sucky day so far), that I can't focus. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be focusing on. God - I should be focusing on Him. But, I can't even see how that will help.

I understand that we're supposed to come to Him when we need help, but God's not going to DO things for us. We still have to make the effort. I've seen people sit back and USE "the will of God" to get things they wanted or needed, and it infuriates me. Sure, there's a bit of jealousy when other people catch a break. But, when they use God as an excuse to be lazy and not take responsibility for themselves and their actions, that drives me to the absolute polar opposite extreme.

I'd rather NEVER accept help from anyone, ever again, and continue this horrific struggle, than to ever be labelled or thought of as a greedy, careless, indifferent, Christian zealot who believes that God will just provide everything on a silver platter. Just because you pray, doesn't mean you don't have to work for things.

Like I said, I know I'm overexaggerating, but you also don't have to be reading.

It's just that, by the time today had turned into "Super-Shitty Day," it wasn't even 9am. I'd rather just clock the fuck out, go home, pack my shit and move somewhere and do something else that would make me happy, as opposed to making money and making ends meet.

Fuck the ends. I'd just like for the days to be okay.

As much as I'm raging (inside) right now, I'm not angry with God - I'm angry at myself for getting into this situation, this situation that I created, which has only worsened over the years. After all these years, no matter what anyone else says, I should have my shit together. I WANT to have it together. No, I don't want to have the typical married/settled down/soccer mom life (purely preferential), but I would like to have another half who can help me. And, no, I don't plan on settling with just anyone - hence, why I'm still single. This sounds incredibly self-righteous, but I've had "opportunities" in the past. And, they may have even been sound, solid decisions, possibly even good "investments" (although just the thought of anyone having that kind idea makes me want to vomit). But, I refuse to do anything anymore without me being 100% behind it. If I'm not in love, then it won't happen. I'm not going to "end up" with someone just as my fall-back guy or financeer. I want to be in hardcore, mad love, before I ever let anything happen that will influence my life in that direction. I might not even be so diligent about it, if I didn't know that kind of love wasn't possible.

You know, my days probably wouldn't be such a struggle, if I didn't have such a mental and emotional bond with everything in my life. If I didn't CARE about anything - even if I didn't WANT to care about anything - my life wouldn't be such a fucking fight. But, the fact that I'd like to not stumble and stagger my way through life like a zombie makes a good bit of difference on how I view things.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional about things. Maybe that WOULD be better.

Shit, this post is making less and less sense, the more I type. The more that comes out, the crazier it sounds. (And, yes, I know those of you who would agree.)

I'm sorry.

I'm not looking for physical help - if you guys could just keep me in your thoughts from time to time, that would be awesome. I'd really appreciate it.

Right now, all I want to do is stand in the middle of the hallway and scream like a crazy person. Who knows - maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Maybe it's what would help everyone else.

Here, let me see how well it works out - be right back.

I know, I know

2009-07-26T18:55:00.003-05:00

Time for an update, although I've been incredibly busy - believe it or not, I've been busy making friends, being social and TRYING to stay out of the drama-light, although I've been a tad unsuccessful at that. (Anyway, that is the SERIOUS understatement of the universe.)

My friend Scott is down for a visit (leaving tomorrow), and we're about to go meet Cory for mine and Cory's regular Sunday night throw-down of the Sucky Pool Game of the Week.

And, that bitch is getting on my nerves, again. After so long for ignoring it, it's back, and I'm trying to keep it in check. I'm externally being a grown-up, but internally, I'm pitching a fit and kicking her ass. I shouldn't BE this way, but I also don't think I have these emotions for no reason. And, it really fucking gets on my nerves.

SHE gets on my nerves.

&>=(

Prayer / thought list for 7.19.09

2009-07-19T22:31:00.008-05:00

Sorry, I know I need to play catch-up on my own life, but more important things are priority.

Prayers & thoughts:

My wonderful, darling grandmother - her 86th birthday is July 29. I want her to be around until she's 150!!!!! I LOVE YOU, GRAMMY!!!!

My Mommy, although no longer with me, but always a constant in my heart, would have celebrated her 60th birthday on Saturday, July 18th. I love you, Mama. I miss you so much............

Dave and his family - his brother Greg passed away Friday, July 17. Family is coping, but this was very unexpected. Dave already lost his other brother a couple of years ago. Plus, he's had a lot on his shoulders for the past several months. He just needs a good support system, as well as God to keep his strength up. There's nothing I can offer you that would be comforting, Dave, except I love you.

Mig's and my friend Kristin lost her grandmother this weekend. We love you, sweet girl, and if you need anything from either of us, let us know. Kristin's also having some extraneous stress in her life. I'm praying for the best outcome for you and your family, babe. Although you're in the very new, early part of this journey, and you've got a lot of work ahead of you, everything will work out. We love you, Kristin!

Debbie Robinson, very close and wonderful friend of the family - constant prayers go out to her and her mother and father who are in delicate health.

My friend, Holly - continued prayers for an easy and healthy pregnancy!

One of my very good, very old friends, Larry Davis got married on Saturday, to his long-time sweetheart, Stephanie Machen. It was a beautiful, intimate wedding, and I wish them the absolute best. Remember - being best friends plays a huge part in a successful marriage. I love you, Larry! And, I miss the Davis family - it was SO WONDERFUL to see you all, after all these years!

My aunt Amy's oldest daughter, sweet Erica has been experiencing some breathing issues, teaching at soccer camp this weekend, so they're going to have her evaluated. I love you, beautiful girl, and everything is going to be OKAY!!!!

Also, Amy has recently discovered some issues with her thyroid, so she has imminent testing in her very near future - I'm saying my prayers for you, that this is all going to be benign, no matter what it turns out to be! (And, yes, I'm praying for no surgery!)

My uncle Gordon hasn't been feeling well, but from what I've read he's feeling a good bit better - hey, at least these sick spells aren't as frequent as once before, right? Still, I'm sorry you've been feeling yucky! &=(

My cousin Kate and her family are waiting to see if they're going to be approved for a house (in the neighborhood in which I grew up - couldn't have picked a better place, although I haven't been able to revisit, since I moved out eight years ago). Kate, I'm sending super-good prayers and vibes your way - you guys need this, and with God's will, it will go through!

A friend from some years ago, Jennifer, needs thoughts and prayers for her aunt's medical problems - I just learned this from Facebook this evening.

My Anna-belle has upcoming medical evaluations coming soon, and I'm really praying for good results from all of this!!!! I love you, beautiful girl! (Plus, she's been having some problems with drama - that stuff is useless, girl. We both know that - too bad everyone else doesn't share our same points of view! *frown*)

Constant prayers and good thoughts for my friend Terry Smith - post-surgically, she's made leaps and bounds, and continues to be a strong inspiration for me, as well as others. I wish you the absolute best, Terry! Cancer sucks!!!! Here's hoping this is IT! NO MORE! &=)

My Migs just found out about her little brother's up and coming nuptuals; they also have a baby on the way - best wishes to them, both!

Also, Migs niece Ashley and her husband need special thought - they've been having lots of stress in their lives and need a break. I love you, Ash! You're always on my mind!

Sweet Tabatha made it home to her family, from visiting other family in Huntsville - I'm glad you're home safe, sweetheart!

My friend, Alan starts a new job tomorrow - good luck, honey!

And, my friend Scott seems to be having a little more luck on the prospective job front...yet, he still gets to come visit with me next weekend! YAY!

My friend, Cory is still having a really hard time finding a job. He's really been working the pavement and always ends up with a bunch of "maybes," but there's been nothing definite, yet. &=( I'm really, really sorry, Cory. Something will come through eventually...

Phil texted me and says he's doing well in school, which I have never doubted.

My coworker and friend Mark had knee surgery and is now home, recovering. I hope everything went well, babe, and we can't wait to have you back at work!!! (Although, I know you'll be EXTREMELY THANKFUL for the time off!)

I hear from Heather Haynes' FB that the Cropwell Baptist Mission Team is on mission in Cleveland, TN. Praying God keeps you safe and works through you all for the best outcome!

Uh, oh! It's almost time for kids to go back to school! I wish everyone's chillins the best in their endeavors - NO TOLERANCE FOR TEASING! Make good grades, you guys!

Oh yeah, and me and Jack need some positive juju - we're still having a REALLY, REALLY hard time with this potty-training issue. I'm so frustrated - not with him, more with me. Frowny mom. &=(

Lastly, I thank God for such incredible friends (and family!) and the fact we've been able to reconnect and stay better connected with so many old friends through the "magic" of the internet. Fellowship, even through somewhat impersonal channels as FB and MS, will always be necessary. At least we're able to know who needs us, even though sometimes all we can provide are thoughts and prayers from a distance.

As always, if I'm leaving someone out, PLEASE let me know - even if we don't know each other! I enjoy being able to put my thoughts to work, doing something constructive, rather than getting hung up in my own head. I don't care who you are, if you need thoughts and/or prayers, LET ME KNOW! I always have room for more!!!!!!!

I love you guys and adore you all! You all inspire me every, single day! You're ALL wonderful and deserve peace in your lives!

Mahalo and maluhia! (Thank you and peace!)

ps. Thanks for NO ONE telling me I had misspelled "mahalo" - "Malaho?" Really? ARG! Where did I graduate from - Pell City??!?!

You don't HAVE to be alone

2009-07-17T14:28:00.006-05:00

We all need basic necessities.

We all need a chance.

We all need love.

We all need compassion.

We all need someone.

Even the very tiniest of us.

This is a very strong conviction I have about adopting animals.

Guest comic from Wapsi Square

Otakon 2009

2009-07-16T08:30:00.004-05:00

If anyone loves me, you'll get me up to Baltimore tomorrow, to go to Otakon 2009, July 17-19.

&=)

I've always liked webcomics, but for the past couple of years, I've really gotten into anime and manga, through most of the online comics I read and cartoons I watch (ie. Shin Chan). Several of my favorite comic artists are going to be there (autographs!), so that would beyond rule.

Turns out, Otakon is the longest-running anime convention here in the United States, this being it's 15th year.

Obviously, I also love the other comics, so if Baltimore is out of the question, San Diego Comic-Con International is coming July 23-26. That's fine, too. I mean, I'm open to ANYTHING where there's cosplay, comics, cartoons, etc. Personally, I think we should have cosplay days at work at LEAST once a month.

If you'll just let me know how many weeks I'll need to take off for vacation and at what spa/resort I'll be staying, so I can let everyone know, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much! &=)

I miss Harry

2009-07-15T14:50:00.004-05:00

Okay, so today, nothing has blown up, been flushed, fallen apart, attacked me...but it IS only 3p. What I'm saying is it's been a good day...so far.

Me, Heather, Lee, Larry, and his fiance are going to see Harry Potter tonight, so I'm excited about that. I've fallen so out of favor with HP over the years - my excitement has waned with the ending of the series. But, one of my coworkers, Amanda, and I were talking about the books, and I got all excited again. &=)

I can't wait until I get a new place (and get someone to teach me to build some bookshelves), and I'm going to pull out the whole series and read it, cover-to-cover, from beginning to end, all over again.

Okay, well, I can't wait till I get a new place, period.

Plus, I've met and made (and possibly alienated?) some new friends over the past month or so...all that will have to be addressed in later blogs.

I'm just excited to get back in touch with my inner Slytherin tonight. &=) I miss Harry and all the rest of our...I mean, his friends. *blush*

Harry Potter will always have a special place in my heart. He brought Heather and I together in a most unusual way - but that's a story for another time. &=D

SWF ISO peace

2009-07-14T09:53:00.003-05:00

I have a lot of catching up to do. But let me just sum up the events of last night (minus the pooping in the bushes), with this comic from Wapsi Square:

Passing Storm

2009-07-12T15:08:00.003-05:00

*sigh*

I'm staying home forever.

At least I'll stay out of trouble that way.

Hope for You

2009-07-08T00:35:00.004-05:00

Remember, you're not the only one with problems:

(that's my mantra to keep myself out of my head)

My grandmother, as always
My uncle Gordon, as always
My family - so we can rally together and make things better for each other
Um, and just my family in general, because I love them so very much
David's daughter, Staci, and his brother
Anna.B and her ongoing fight with her innards - girl, we'll get this figured out
Thanks for the Jimmerson's safe return from their summer trip
Marti's sister Terry - surgery went well, now comes chemo
Anpan Jack - he's doing better, but I pray every day that I can live up to his expectations of me and do what God wants me to do with him
Phil's schooling
Roy and his family
Holly's pregnancy - everything to go well and for the baby to spontaneously turn into a girl en utero!!!! Hahaha, just kidding! That was for poor, sweet Lucy! Just praying for an excellent pregnancy all around!
Laura's headache! GO AWAY! &=)
Joseph's work
Wes & Brooke's, um, "situation" and that I can stay out of it
My friend Tabatha and her family are visiting Alabama, so keep them safe, during their visit and on the trip home
My family's safe upcoming vacation
Cory's job hunt
Scott's job hunt
Erica's upcoming work with UAB soccer camp (GO, girl! Make that money!)
Shelby's precious heart
My aunt's and cousins' children, because they're all so precious and wonderful, but have very full, decisive lives ahead of them.
Dwane's constant dilemmas (I feel your pain, sweetheart)
Larry's upcoming nuptuals
Dina's situation
Layne's husband, John's condition
Sean's current complicated situation - I really hope things work out
My situations - living, monetary, health, as well as mental - just trying to get things together and move, so I can get out of this oppressive place; want to pay off debt; need to get some things fixed within my physical self; and want to KEEP IT TOGETHER!

Again, if I'm leaving anyone out, let me know. I'm always happy to make these lists of people I need to keep in my thoughts, because I feel horrible leaving people out. I plan to lift each of these people up in prayer (no offense to my non-believer buddies), so that we can whisper in the ear of God our problems and our needs. That's what He's here for - to counsel. As well as Gaia, who can wrap her leafy arms around us in the presence of nature and, once again, make us a beautiful part of the earth, which is how it should be. Being in the presence of Gaia and God help me relax and let go of so much, lay so much down that has been forgiven and should have been forgotten long ago.

Unfortunately, Gaia makes me sweat a lot this time of year. *peeyew*

Love you, guys.

Prospector Jen

2009-07-06T09:16:00.003-05:00

I have a prospective roomie in my sites. His name is Mark, and he's one of the couch-surfers I've met recently. Him being a dude doesn't bother me in the least. He has a girlfriend, which also doesn't bother me. The only thing is, I'm a little nervous about living with a complete stranger...okay, a LOT nervous. But, no one I know needs a roommate. Plus, since I have two cats and a dog, I'm the kind of person who would be really hard to pair with someone. Still, I have my reservations.

First off, I'm not really comfortable with other people around my animals. I know how people are and can be (cruel is the word I'm looking for), especially when you're not around. And, I'm not crazy about complete strangers. I know how people can have sticky hands around things that don't belong to them.

Second, this guy likes parties and people - I don't. When I told him I was a homebody and for the most part of every week, I hang out at home, I don't think he realized how serious I was. I consider myself a really quiet, low-key person, especially at home. I went and hung out with him and some of his friends on Saturday night, just to get a feel for things, and it was okay.

Third, he's on unemployment. He's actively looking for a job, but he's also going back to school for psychiatric studies. I just don't want to end up in the, "Hey, can you cover rent this time around, and I'll pay you back?" No. No, I can't. If we make an agreement like this, I fully and completely expect him to keep up his end of the bargain.

Fourth, when I enter into an agreement like that, I get nervous. What if he just up and moves? I can't afford to be moving all over creation, just because someone bails on me. Ugh, that makes my stomach hurt, just thinking about it. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but that's when I usually end up getting super-screwed, is when I'm nice and trusting of others.

Anyway, he's actually been looking for a place for us, and he's found one over in Avondale, down the road from Bottletree - something like $550 for 2BR, which is REALLY good. I'll have to look it over, though, because in that area, for that amount of money, is a lot suspicious. I want my apartment to be safe, and I actually want to be able to have friends over. But, we're both in agreement about staying in Southside. I really want to stay close to work, although Avondale is a bit farther than I'd like to drive. Oh, well - it's a small sacrifice I can afford to make.

I wish Cory and I could room together, but he still hasn't found a job, plus he and Kerry are planning to get a place once he gets down here. &=(

So, if anyone knows of a good, quiet, clean, animal-friendly person who might need a roomie, please let me know. Like I said, I'm not super-excited about doing this, but money is bad, and this looks like the only way I'm going to be able to get a leg up on things. I hate to be pessimistic, but I can totally foresee this not working out.

But, I have to do something...and soon.

Happy Independence Day

2009-07-04T22:39:00.015-05:00

Jack and I just went and saw fireworks on the top of the Highlands parking deck (yes, I have sweaty armpit in the photo, & yes, I know how utterly disgusting that is). He did pretty good, but we were absolutely swarmed with people and kids. I never realized how freaking annoying everyone ELSE is, when you have a dog. People (mainly the kids) would just come up and get all over him. Of course, he was about to have a come-apart, since there was so much action. He was so excited, that I could barely restrain him. HE did good - it was everyone ELSE that caused the problems.

Plus, I kept hoping that when I said the word "pitbull," people would scatter like roaches. No such luck. &=P One guy even lamented, "Oh, raise him right!" Look at that baby face - the only fighting this sweetheart will ever do is against...well, I can't even think of anything. I would say fleas, but we don't have fleas.

I can't tell Ralph about this, either, or he'll totally kill me dead. We're not even supposed to be around other people, yet. I can completely see why, though. &=\

The longer I have Jack, the more I learn SO MUCH about dogs, animals (in general) and other people. Like, the fact that people were just coming up to us and getting all over him and in his face was REALLY FRUSTRATING. I mean, eventually, he and I had to get up and move to another area, because the people were just driving him nuts. He's a baby, and he's in training. He's immature to everyone else's antagonizing. Every time I would pull on his leash to restrain or correct him, everyone would gasp and give me that whole, "Oh, don't do that! You're hurting him! He's just a baby! He's just excited!"

Look, I'm not paying YOU $750 to tell me how to handle my dog. The next time you've been working with dogs for 30 years and have been trained BY the best to BE the best, then we'll sit down and talk.

I realize, now, that you don't need to just assume that you can walk up to someone else's animal and start loving on it. It's like Ralph always says - it's not LOVE the animal is lacking; it's discipline. And, the animal doesn't get that with you getting down in his face and baby-talking him. That just drives him nuts and makes him want to act like a retard.

Anyway, fireworks were okay. Every year, I forget how to work my camera for the fireworks. I didn't get a lot of good pictures, so blah. I had my Ipod on the whole time, too, because I don't like the anticipation of the sound - too much anxiety for me. They're like canned biscuits and balloons.

Also, I was really having to keep an eye on Jack. I had his leash tied around my leg, but some of the kids kept running around, taunting him, and all it did was get him even more riled up. At one point, I thought maybe it wasn't Jack who needed to be kept on a lead so much as the kids.

WOW. If you have kids, please learn how to handle them. I know a really good trainer...

(This is him watching fireworks for the exact amount of time it took for me to snap the photo.)

*Sigh* It was definitely an experience that we won't be repeating, until he gets a lot older and more mature. But, we did get to see his Aunt Terri and Uncle Travis tonight, so that was nice! &=) I didn't get a picture with him and Terri like I wanted to, because once it was over, we made a beeline for the door, before everyone started coming after us, again.

Anyway, I'm about to go party with the Birmingham couch-surfers - no surprises tonight, though. Last time was too much. *gross*

Jack is absolutely passed out in his crate, snoring. We walked there and back, and he was panting his little heart out, so I gave him water when we got home. He's going to be sleeping like the dead tonight! &=)

Hope everyone had a decent holiday. I spent all day doing laundry, cleaning house, going through all the papers and bills I collect, sleeping and watching Simpsons. And, I'm pretty sure I won't be out for long tonight, either. I'm not into pulling all-nighters anymore. Bah. That crap's for kids.