The H List

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 4)

2009-06-24T13:16:00.018+01:00

I forgot Freddie Sears! Which is easily done.

Freddie Sears : Appearances - 7 (15)

Awful.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Middlesbrough (a)

The Manager

In our brave, new, post Curbishley world it is fair to say that most were fairly underwhelmed by the prospect of an untried, untested Italian at the helm. I never personally cared that he was ex-Chelsea, as the policy of employing former West Ham men had yielded nothing worth shouting about for some time, but that was also widely held against Gianfranco Zola as he began his tenure at Upton Park.

After an early spark, however, the fears seemed to be well founded. The team were looking good, admittedly, but the results were seemingly based on those of the Labour Party. We mustered just 1 win in 12 between October 5th and Boxing Day, and sat forlornly in the bottom 4 with only tottenham's enduring shittiness for comfort.

The thing that most sticks out in my memory from this period is of Zola consistently hailing the players for playing in the right manner, with the right approach and with the necessary desire. At the time I questioned this, thinking that if the players were doing all of these things and still not winning then that might be telling you something about the quality of the players. As it transpired, Zola agreed - out went Mullins and Faubert and in came Collison and Noble. A tremendous draw at Chelsea was the turning point as we went on a run of just 1 loss in 10 games with the newer set up.

As the season stuttered to a halt, we were beset by injuries. This culminated in Zola deploying Lucas Neill in a central midfield role, which is an idea never before conceived of in either Heaven or Earth. And yet still we continued to pick up points.

By year end we had stumbled out of the Europa League, which is no great hardship, but crucially had the opportunity to further blood the likes of Stanislas and Tomkins whilst perhaps confirming that the likes of di Michele and Tristan are not going to be workable medium term solutions for us.

In summary, I cannot praise Zola enough for the work he has done this season. There has been a visible transformation in the way we play, whereby I am no longer stultifyingly bored after an hour of our games. He has injected confidence into the likes of Cole, Collison and Parker and established a sensible, well thought out framework for the way we wish to play. Certainly he has benefited from having Steve Clarke alongside him, but given that he was being solely blamed for our dismal October form, then so he should be feted at the end of a (relatively) triumphant season.

I still query the nature of our transfer policy, and worry greatly about the apparent disinterest in buying British players but those are issues for another time. For the moment, let us pay tribute to a manager who has reinvigorated the club in his first Premiership season. Let's hope he doesn't go the same way as the last bloke to do that...

Rating : 8/10

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

The H List End of Year Awards

A slightly different format this year in so much as I'll just put my winners and losers up here and you can "all" vote in the comments section if you feel motivated to do so.

Player of the Year

Winner : Herita Ilunga
Also considered: Carlton Cole, Matthew Upson

This one wasn't even particularly close to my mind, and marks the third straight year of me giving it to the incumbent left back, which is, well...weird.

Ilunga was consistent, strong in attack and defence and managed a nice line in getting away with rather obvious handballs. Does look to have the potential to do a Sebastien Schemmel on us, but this award is about the season just gone and not the future. I am slightly mystified as to why Scott Parker won the official award given his rather hefty stints on the sidelines, but either way he doesn't get a look in here. He'll be devastated.

Performance of the Year (Team)

Winner: Chelsea (a)
Also considered: Portsmouth (a), Liverpool (a), Hull (h)

Perhaps not the most glamorous result, but a fine one none the less. We took the lead through Bellamy, coughed it up to Salomon Kalou of all people, and should have won it when Cole was clean through in the last minute.

This game also signalled the arrival of Collison and the death knell for the Faubert/Mullins/Bowyer types who had been trundling along at the bottom of the league.

Performance of the Year (Individual)

Winner : Matthew Upson (Liverpool, a)
Also considered : Carlton Cole (Newcastle, h), Craig Bellamy (Portsmouth, a), Lucas Neill (Stoke, a)

A slightly left field choice perhaps, as it came in the midst of a splendid team performance but Upson was imperious at Anfield and found the sub Torresian Liverpool attack to be fairly inept. It was this rich vein of form that coincided with his elevation to the full England team and indeed may yet see him move on. I'm not actually sure it was better than Bellamy at Portsmouth, but I don't know if I can find it within myself to give awards to Bellamy, especially one this prestigious.

Best Goal

Winner: Carlton Cole (Wigan, a)
Also considered : Mark Noble (Blackburn, a), Jack Collison (Everton, h), Radoslav Kovac (Everton, a)

A fairly easy decision this, as Cole scored not only the best West Ham goal, but the best Premier League goal of the season. A deft one touch passing move involving 5 players saw him free just inside the box and his instinctive finish was one of a man in supreme form. He duly got himself sent off 8 minutes later, just to remind us all that we do still support West Ham after all.

Worst Player

Winner : David di Michele
Also considered : Freddie Sears, Luis Boa Morte, Julien Faubert

I am slightly torn about even having this category as my review of Boa Morte's season in Part 3 earned me some t'internet opprobrium. However, persist I have, and di Michele just snatches it away from Faubert by virtue of the fact that he played in many more games and therefore impacted upon our (mis)fortunes to a greater degree.

I will say this though. Compared to previous seasons, this category was not especially hotly contested.

Worst Team Performance

Winner : tottenham (h)
Also considered : Man City (a), West Brom (h), Hull (a)

Another category that has really cooled off in recent years. Under Redknapp and Roeder you were absolutely guaranteed a 5 goal whupping somewhere on the road, whereas nowadays we have to make do with the annual abject shitfest that is our home game with tottenham.

This year we managed to concede a goal to Ledley King, which is ridiculous, and one to Jamie O'Hara, which is impossible, whilst simultaneously making Huerelho Gomes look Not Appalling. I am very much ready for us to beat them now, Gianfranco.

Worst Individual Performance

Winner : Robert Green (Bolton, h)
Also considered : David di Michele (Liverpool, h), Julien Faubert (Liverpool, a)

It happens. A "3" on the Robinson-Gomes scale of appalling goalkeeping, crowned off by allowing Matthew Taylor to score from somewhere in Plaistow. Arguably no worse than either of the other two mentioned, but it was exacerbated by the fact that it cost us the game.

Best Opposition (Team)

Winner : Liverpool (h)
Also considered: Man Utd (a), Watford (a)

I was slightly perturbed to see that over the course of the season, and just judging performances against us, that this was not an easy award to make. In the end, Liverpool's uber comfortable 3-0 win at Upton Park was the best 90 minutes I saw this year, which may say more about our own improvement than anything else.

In theory Everton deserved greater consideration for their results, but if it's possible to unluckily lose 3-1 twice, then that's exactly what we did.

Best Opposition (Player)

Winner : Kevin Davies (Bolton, h)
Also considered: Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd, a), Vincent Kompany (Man City, a), Brad Friedel (Aston Villa, h)

Laugh, sure. Who wouldn't. But in terms of influencing games against us it's hard to ignore Davies and his magic elbows. I can't think of a player in the League who gets more out of less than Kevin Cyril Davies. I still strongly advocate buying him purely so he can never play against us.

Best Opposition Goal

Winner : Paul Konchesky (Fulham, h)
Also considered : Matthew Taylor (Bolton, h), Matthew Taylor (Bolton, a), Ryan Giggs (Man Utd, h)

Wallop. Never did it for us. Except once. Accidentally. In a Cup Final.

Worst Opposition Team (sponsored by Middlesbrough FC)

Winner : Stoke City
Also considered : Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Newcastle United

A real shame for the Boro as not only do they get relegated, but they summarily fail to cling on to their H List title. Despite a valiant effort on the last day of the season they simply could not top the whining, snarling, hoofing, abject dross that was Stoke City. So bad they started to beat each other up in the centre circle after we equalised.

A terrible, terrible football team.

The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposing Player

Winner : Michael Dawson (tottenham)
Also considered : Craig Gordon (Sunderland), Steven Taylor (Newcastle), Caicedo (Man City)

A truly sterling victory for Mike as he didn't even manage a game against us and still held on to his title, the useless lanky twat.

Elsewhere we have been linked with two of my other potential nominees. Marvellous.

Don't forget to leave your own votes below. I'll tally them up and post them at a later date when you will have no recollection of the events in question...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 3)

2009-06-17T12:11:00.041+01:00

Kyel Reid : Appearances - 0 (2), Goals - 1

I am sure that Kyel Reid is a tremendously nice human being who doesn't staple vagrants to horses, but as far as his football career goes, he is essentially a mollusc.

Perhaps his biggest defect is his inability to cross the ball, which despite afflicting every England left winger since John Barnes, is invariably not a positive attribute.

I can't believe he'll be with us next year, and thus I wish him all the best with his career in the lower leagues, and the countless occasions on which he is going to have to spell his first name out for others.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Junior Stanislas : Appearances - 7 (2), Goals - 2, Bookings - 1

In the history of Jamaican-Lithuanian footballers I'd say Junior Stanislas is the best we've seen at the Boleyn. Of all the newly blooded youngsters this year it would definitely be young Junior who has made the biggest impact, even in spite of the weird decision to play him wide on the left.

Whether he'll be able to sustain that impact over a full season is debatable, but he's done enough to earn a decent shot at it. I'd still like to see him show a bit more composure in possession, and display the odd trick or two to enable him to get past a defender every now and again, but by Jove he inspires less lactic acid than Etherington or Boa Morte.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (h)

Forwards

Dean Ashton : Appearances - 5, Goals - 2

Once upon a time Dean Ashton was really pretty good. He played in a Cup Final and terrorised Jamie Carragher, despite being (shockingly) half fit. He was then called into the England squad, where he managed to come off second best in a challenge with Shaun Wright Phillips which is impossible unless you are required to live in a plastic bubble or are 9 years old.

He was then operated on by Dr Nick Riviera who accidentally removed all bone from his ankle and replaced it with blancmange. Two years later we are still waiting to see if he's ever going to recover the form that once made him a feared proposition up and down the land.

Dean Ashton's surgeon is confident that he'll be back in action soon.

If Ashton returns then you would have to imagine that Zola would be a good manager for him, given his propensity for ball playing centre forwards, but I'm not going to be holding my breath waiting for it.

Scored more goals than Sears, Boa Morte, Dyer, Parker and Faubert combined, despite playing in only 5 games. Make of that what you will.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Wigan (h)

Craig Bellamy : Appearances - 14 (3), Goals - 5, Bookings - 5

It really does seem like an awfully long time ago, but once upon a time we had Craig Bellamy playing for us. It was a typically brief affair, and ended as acrimoniously as is conceivably possible, but for a while there he was flourishing under Zola.

By the time we got to Portsmouth on Boxing Day, the Welshman was in flying form and duly ripped apart a home team who could scarcely believe their eyes as a West Ham side scored 4 away from home without the appearance of Biblical storms. In fairness to Bellamy his effort on the field can never be questioned, but it was an incredibly artless exit, even by his standards, the feckless idiot.

He'll spend a season at Man City until they buy a fitter, younger, better less Goblinish replacement, at which point he might well look back with a tinge of regret at this move. Unlikely, I'd agree, given the £100k a week wage packet but you never know.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Portsmouth (a)

Carlton Cole : Appearances - 32 (2), Goals - 11, Bookings - 3, Sent Off - 2

If Bellamy's season was totally predictable then Cole's was the very antithesis as he bloomed from bacterial spore to a fully fledged red blood cell, integral to the health of the side.

Cole's resurgence actually began under Curbishley as he flourished in the lone frontman role, but the Zola/Clarke axis have added several new strings to the bow, culminating in Cole being called up for the England squad and generally looking a million miles removed from the player who arrived from Chelsea.

He scored the best goal of the Premier League season at Wigan, although it owed much to the pass from di Michele and therefore some sort of Faustian pact, but it was still ace none the less.

I still wonder if he can actually play with Ashton, but then I also wonder what would happen if you cross bred a raccoon with a shark, and each question has as much validity as the other.

Rating : 8/10

Best Performance : Newcastle (h)

David di Michele : Appearances - 25 (9), Goals - 4, Bookings - 5

Last year I asked a good friend of mine what it was he actually did for a living. His answer involved the International Maritime Organisation, boats, measuring stuff and ballast. I am still no closer to understanding what he does to earn a crust but that's ok, because we're friends and he explained enough about it for me to understand that there is a requirement for someone to do the job, even if I don't actually understand why.

I do not understand what David di Michele's job description is, nor do I understand why he has to do it.

He started brightly enough, with a double at home to Newcastle, although the lustre soon faded from that achievement as the Geordies proceeded to allow half the adult males in the nation to score against them during the rest of the season. Di Michele also turned in one virtuoso performance at home to Hull, but otherwise he was basically Paulo Wanchope without the goals.

Possibly the most frustrating player ever to turn out for us, and the list of people whom I would rather see bearing down on goal for a late one on one includes Dean Ashton, Carlton Cole, Freddie Sears, Dora the Explorer, Queen Elizabeth II and my 18 month old daughter. He is a shockingly, shockingly bad finisher.

So long, farewell, don't sign this guy again.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Hull (h)

Zavon Hines : Appearances - 0 (1), Goals - 1

Came on against Macclesfield and scored. I have literally no other knowledge of Zavon Hines, although I'm willing to bet that if he ever scored a winning Premier League goal for us, it would inspire The Sun to use "He's Zavon A Laugh!" as their headline.

He is touted as a good striking prospect, and he did score a fair few goals this year for the reserves, but then again so did Freddie Sears at that level, and he went on to become an arachnid.

Weird name alright.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Savio : Appearances - 1 (10), Bookings - 2

It is not every day that West Ham spend £9m so when we do it bears a bit of scrutiny. In actual fact, we probably didn't spend anywhere near that much up front on Savio, but it was certainly a good headline for the club, as the Board was busy trousering a quite substantial sum from the January fire sale.

It's hard to tell much about the German-Ugandan at this point, other than that he is fairly small and will need to bulk up a bit to survive any further trips to Bolton, but in general I am fairly well disposed towards a policy of buying young talent and developing them, rather than splurging millions on middle of the road ageing types a la Curbishley.

As such, I don't intend to expect too much from Savio until a couple of years down the road by which time I will expect him to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Manchester City (h)

Diego Tristan : Appearances - 8 (9), Goals - 3

Once upon a time, in 2002, David Beckham broke his metatarsal in a match against Deportivo la Coruna, placing his participation at the World Cup in doubt. You may remember this because English people were expecting us to win that World Cup even though our team for the first game included Emile Heskey and (seriously) Darius Vassell.

Anyway, during the aforementioned match, Deportivo featured the most feared striker in Europe at the time. His name was (seriously) Diego Tristan.

Now of course, we were all a bit different in 2002. For instance I had a flat stomach, a functioning pair of knees and savings at that time. However, I look a model of success compared to Diego who has declined so far that he is now considered as a lesser force than (seriously) David di Michele.

I make no judgement on Tristan. We paid nothing for him and in the end he was good for 6 points against Stoke so we could argue that he fulfilled a purpose. I prefer him to di Michele. Mind you, I prefer Diego from Dora the Explorer to di Michele.

Shoot David di Michele.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Stoke (a)

No Easily Discernible Position

Luis Boa Morte : Appearances - 17 (15), Bookings - 8

When I was 5 years old my father decided that the time was right for me to be exposed to the nonsensically over competitive world of Sunday morning football. He took me along to a training session at local club Gidea Park Rangers, and a football career was started. It transpired that playing for GPR was incredibly fortuitous as we went on to become one of the best youth sides in London and Essex, which was and remains the premier source of footballing talent in England(*). Indeed, with time GPR would produce an England captain in Tony Adams, but nobody realised this when I was playing there because Adams was just a drunk in the Arsenal reserves at that point.

Anyway, this is not to say that I was especially talented myself, but I played with a lot of guys who were. By the time we reached the under 14 age group the team had to be disbanded because every one of us had been signed up by a professional team, and consequently were being restricted in the amount we could play. Even the much vaunted Senrab were no match for our side at that time, although my GPR team produced only two professionals and one reality TV star so didn't achieve the same notoriety.

I was signed by Charlton where I played with Lee Bowyer and once marked future Everton "star" Michael Branch out of a game - an achievement that diminished quite a lot once Michael Branch began to be marked out of games by every other centre back in England. Although I was enjoying myself at Charlton, mainly because they gave us a Mars bar and a can of Coke after each session, they eventually dropped me. I signed on with Queens Park Rangers, where there was less Coke before eventually leaving the youth team ranks at the age of 15. I didn't cry - I wasn't good enough nor did I care enough.

I drifted around a bit then, playing a good standard of youth football until I reached 18, at which point I just played for mates teams. I enjoyed the camaraderie of the dressing room, and the opportunity to still convince myself that I could have made it if I only had a slightly different genetic make up, and weighed less. Sadly at 25, I ruptured my right cruciate ligament whilst performing a typically balletic Cruyff turn and missed 2 years of football. I would later return but the knee couldn't hold up, and by this time I had more daughters than a man could rightfully expect to father in a 3 year period. At 29 I retired, and somewhere a bugler played a mournful lament for the end of a heroically moderate career.

Why do I tell you this? Today, right now, with my knackered knee and spare tyre, and the fitness level of asthmatic sloth - I am a better footballer than Luis Boa Morte.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (h)

(*) Contrary to the nonsense spouted by Geordies there are very few footballers produced in the North East. The only notable one in recent times is Michael Carrick who came through the West Ham academy and therefore doesn't count anyway.

P.S: Part 4 will focus on the Manager and give you the chance to vote in the never popular H List End of Year Awards. Bet you can't wait ...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 2)

2009-06-05T11:12:00.046+01:00

Midfielders

Valon Behrami : Appearances - 27, Goals - 2, Bookings - 5

When I heard that we had signed Valon Behrami I just shrugged in that uber cool, but still quite attractive, way that I do. "So what?" I wondered. And for the first few games my insouciance seemed reasonable as Behrami ran around a lot but failed to have any tangible impression on anything.

Then, one winning goal at Sunderland later, he was off and by the time he got injured in our 1-0 win over Man City in March he had established himself as our indisputable Player of the Season Except for Injury.

One hopes that he is able to return in the same condition as he left - although with our elite medical staff it is entirely possible that he could return minus a limb - as we will depend on him greatly again next year.

Lovely highlights too. One for the lay-deez.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

Lee Bowyer : Appearances - 5 (2), Goals - 1, Bookings - 1

It takes some doing to be a total fucking waste of space not once but twice in your career. This is Bowyer's second spell with us, and the second time that I have decided he is simply not worth the hassle and the bad press.

In some ways he actually seems like a Zola player, as his game revolved around passing and (increasingly slow) movement. However, after a series of decreasingly effective performances before Christmas he was thanked for his hard work and banished to Birmingham where the fans really didn't like him.

Now out of contract I suspect he will drop down the divisions and score 3 goals in 26 appearances for Cardiff. But I can't be sure.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Jack Collison : Appearances - 19 (4), Goals - 3, Bookings - 2

In a season where several players took great strides forward, it is hard to think of anyone who progressed further than Welshman Collison. Hailing from the heartland of the Principality (Watford), he first appeared as a half time sub at Old Trafford and thereafter became an integral part of the team quicker than you could say "Bye Bye Matty".

Playing out of position on the left, he is often compared to Michael Carrick, although I think he's probably closer to Lampard, sans the spare tyre, at the same age, in the eyes of this untrained observer. Either way, he has blossomed under Zola like no other, and with a pre season behind him could well be our most important player next season.

Also wins "Most Painful Injury of the Season" award after dislocating his knee at Wigan. Shit, I wince just typing that out.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Portsmouth (a)

Kieron Dyer : Appearances - 1 (7)

He lives! On one hand it's hard to imagine exactly how one solitary man can get so very many injuries without being a cage fighter. On the other hand this is the medical staff that failed to diagnose that Freddie Ljungberg had a broken hip when he played for us, so perhaps he should be congratulated for still having all his toes.

I am still enamoured about the idea of Kieron Dyer. Once upon a time he was really quite good, but I rather suspect those days are long behind. Whether he can ever recapture some of that form or fitness is debatable, but any attempt would be greatly appreciated.

I actually rather like the idea of Dyer as a late impact substitute when his pace could stretch tiring defences. Mind you - £6m for a supersub is a bit bloody pricey.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Aston Villa (a)

Matthew Etherington : Appearances - 9 (6), Goals - 2

Here's a weird fact - Matthew Etherington didn't pick up a booking whilst with us, primarily because he does not tackle or run backwards. After moving to Mordor and playing 14 times for Stoke he has now managed 3 yellows and a red card.

In some ways, I was sad to see Etherington go, possibly because he was the last real link to that famous first season in the Premiership under Pardew. Truthfully however he had been coasting here for a while and did not appear to have the requisite technical ability to play in Zola's new fangled fashion.

I wonder if we ever got those gambling debts back. Turns out we could have used the money.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Fulham (a)

Julien Faubert : Appearances - 19 (5), Bookings - 3

Of the West Ham players most likely to be loaned to Real Madrid I would have had Julien Faubert behind Vic Watson, who died in 1988, aged 90.

The fact that we paid £6.7m for Faubert rather boggles the mind when you consider that other than Bellamy and Ashton we had never before shelled out that much on a player. In light of this may I strongly suggest that you do not allow Alan Curbishley to have any input into to your future investment decisions.

Apparently smokes 20 a day, which suggests to me that his "TGV" nickname might well have been the first recorded instance of the French being "ironic".

Rating : 3/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Radoslav Kovac : Appearances - 9 (1), Goals - 1, Bookings - 2

When we first signed Kovac from Spartak Moscow it didn't seem immediately obvious to anyone what exactly he was going to be doing that Hayden Mullins couldn't. Of course, I'm an admitted Mullins fan, but Kovac's 5 yard passing range didn't overly excite me I must confess.

As he was having trouble fitting in with the rest of the lads, Kovac then got himself suspended from the Czech national squad over an incident involving late night drinking and prostitutes. Respect now earned, he began to settle into our midfield and he even slipped in a marvellous 35 yard thunderbolt at Everton that Hayden Mullins could not have scored if he sold his soul to Victoria Beckham.

I would not object to Kovac signing as a squad player for a reasonable fee, although anything over £1.5m would strike me as excessive, particularly given our current bank balance of £12.91.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Wigan (a)

Hayden Mullins : Appearances - 8 (13), Goals - 1, Bookings - 2

I'll admit there was a tear in my eye when I heard we had accepted a bid from Portsmouth for our erstwhile midfield whateverhewas. Mullins was a H List favourite even though it was his presence that initially forced us to give up on the useless Javier Mascherano - although I blame that decision on Alan Pardew's loins and not Hayden Mullins.

In the event of Curbishley going, he was always unlikely to play in a Zola team ahead of Parker and Noble, but was a very handy squad player to have around. In fairness to the club they did not object to him wanting to play more regularly and thus moved him on for the presumably cheaper Kovac.

Scored a tremendous goal at Middlesbrough that unfortunately took a deflection on the way rendering it not quite as good as it could have been. An apt summary of Mullins if ever there was one.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Liverpool (a)

Mark Noble : Appearances - 33 (1), Goals - 5, Bookings - 8, Sent Off - 1

It's hard to think of a player who divides opinion more than Noble, the Marmite of the West Ham midfield. Prevailing opinion seems to be that because he is a local lad he deserves a break when he doesn't perform so well, whilst the alternative view is that because he is a local lad he should be flogged on the steps of East Ham town hall for a misplaced pass.

Of course, the answer lies somewhere in between (he should be flogged in Plaistow), but I would certainly like to see an upturn in his form over the next year, especially under Zola's tutelage.

To give some balance, I should point out that he scored a goal at Blackburn of tremendous quality. Had it been scored by Steven Gerrard we would have seen Alan Hansen smear himself in goose fat live on Match of the Day in sheer pleasure.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Blackburn (a)

Scott Parker : Appearances - 31 (1), Goals - 1, Bookings - 8

Although Parker may have won the mass vote for Hammer of the Year, as Carlos Tevez knows only too well, that doesn't cut any ice with me. I initially thought that Parker must have one leg shorter than the other, given his ridiculous propensity for wheeling around in circles, but over the course of this season he emerged as a major player for us.

It was his energy and drive that really propelled us through our strong January run, and by the end of the season we were noticeably sagging in his absence. Of course, this could have been alleviated if he had a recovery time of less than 8 weeks for absolutely any injury, which seems to currently be the case, but given our medical team let's just be glad he is still alive.

Should probably be in the England squad but I shall not complain about that as we all know that nothing good can ever come of a West Ham player turning out for England.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Bolton (a)

Josh Payne : Appearances - 0 (2)

Josh Payne's total West Ham experience amounts to 11 minutes in total. Curiously this is exactly the number of stepovers he managed in one particular swerving run against Liverpool.

Somewhere Dale Gordon is sitting in his bathrobe, stroking a purring cat.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Really, really not applicable

P.S: The other day I was woken at 5am by my daughter for her early feed. As I was downstairs making up her bottle I got a TEXT from Mrs Shark asking me to bring her up a glass of water. This is what I am up against, people - so you'll get Part 3 when I'm good and ready. (Maybe tomorrow though, as Holby City is on tonight)...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 1)

2009-06-01T10:59:00.048+01:00

And so another season disappears into the ether, as we are all left to ponder exactly why David di Michele is paid to pay football. But for your hard working bloggers at The H List, I am afraid that there is little chance for us to put our feet up as our tens of readers demand some sort of year end review, on top of the bi monthly match reports.

And thus, without further ado, we bring you our vaunted player reports for the 2008/09 season:

Goalkeepers

Robert Green : Appearances - 43

Green began the season with a "life changing" trek up Kilimanjaro and a visit to the slums of Kenya. No longer would he be "chasing the extra fiver" he declared, but instead he would be a tremendous human being and an all round good egg. This lasted all of two weeks before he was splashed across the red tops demanding a raise and pay parity with our top earners. I didn't object to the (valid) point, but the hypocrisy got to me a little. Which I think will wound Robert somewhere deep inside.

In fairness his on pitch form was once again exemplary, and apart from the Bolton debacle he was solid as the proverbial rock all season. Indeed, he should get a chance with England shortly if there is any justice. Which there isn't. So he will instead get to watch one of Paul Robinson, Scott Carson, Ben Foster, Cheryl Baker or Makka Pakka do it instead.

Didn't keep a clean sheet until November 15th, but thereafter managed an impressive 12. Would have benefited from a living breathing back four in the early parts of the season.

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

Rating: 7/10

Jan Lastuvka : Appearances - 1

Seriously, I don't know what you want me to say. Played once, away at Watford where he made an error for their goal. Thereafter, was never seen again, quite possibly because he was eaten by Lucas Neill, or because he took a wrong turn and wandered up Gareth Southgate's nose, or because Scott Duxbury sold him for scrap during our non fire sale fire sale in January.

Seems unlikely to return as he's on loan and didn't actually do anything whilst here, but what do I know. I thought Calum Davenport was a good buy.

Best Performance: Watford (a) (by default, cos he was quite shit)

Rating: 3/10

Defence

Lucas Neill : Appearances - 37, Goals - 1, Bookings -8

As I write this it seems that our captain is unlikely to return next year now that his £150,000 a day (Source: The Daily Mail) contract has expired. I, for one, will miss him if he does depart, as he has been a much undervalued player during his stint here. Began the year at left back, which was Curbishley's last cruel joke before leaving, and had a spell at centre back too when Zola went a bit mad before Christmas.

By season's end, however, he was playing somewhat excellently at right back, and looking rather more like the player who did so much to keep us up in 2007. He also made some cameo appearances in central midfield which was a decision that erred on the adventurous side of mental.

Managed a goal at West Brom, which isn't really remarkable for a professional footballer, but certainly is for a West Ham player.

Best Performance: Stoke City (a)

Rating : 6/10

Jonathan Spector : Appearances - 4 (5), Bookings - 1

Our resident American was injured for most of this year, largely as a result of our crack medical squad attempting to fix his injured hip using only office stationary and post it notes. When he did return he almost immediately got knocked unconscious in an aerial collision, although this did at least have the side effect of shaming Kieron Dyer into returning from his broken haircut injury.

In truth, if the Club persist with the idea of a small playing squad supplemented by various competition winners, squirrels and holograms then Spector is exactly the kind of player that we need given his pseudo versatility. Whether he has the requisite technical ability to play as Zola would like is questionable, but anyone who tries as hard as he does gets my support.

Best Performance: Blackburn (a)

Rating: 5/10

George McCartney : Appearances 1 (1)

It's pretty hard to recall, but the winner of the Not At All Coveted H List Player of the Year for the last two seasons did actually turn out for us this season. Sadly, he was promptly sold to Sunderland against his wishes (is there any other kind of sale to Sunderland?), and Curbishley resigned in furious protest. Or so the story goes.

At the time he was much lamented given his impeccable form of the previous two years, but in the event Ilunga was so good as his replacement that we barely missed a beat.

I shall miss him, if only for the Lennon/McCartney vibe that we used to get in games against tottenham.

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Rating : 5/10

Herita Ilunga : Appearances - 39, Goals - 2, Bookings - 3

My fellow blogger, and sometimes marauding left back was the surprise hit of the season at The Boleyn. Immediately settled in by allowing West Brom score against us 4 minutes into his debut, but bounced back well and by the time we were challenging for the Europa League he was an integral part of our back 4.

Ilunga is slightly curious in that he doesn't appear to have a great deal of pace, but does tend to cover a lot of ground, and gets much further forward than Neill on the opposite flank. At the same time, he rarely gets exposed defensively, and has done a credible job against the best wingers in the division, and Aaron Lennon.

My concern, and it's a big one people, is that he's going to be the new Sebastien Schemmel and now that he is here permanently, will eat and drink his way out of the first team. Proceed with caution.

Best Performance : Bolton (h)

Rating : 8/10

Matthew Upson : Appearances - 41, Bookings - 2

Another remarkably consistent season from Upson, who once more exceeded expectations in terms of his fitness, and was rewarded for his continued excellence with a call up to the England squad. This was before they called up Gary Cahill and therefore still counted as an honour at that point.

Never the flashiest of operators, he was simply a model of professionalism all year, and his positive impact on James Tomkins was an additional boost. At this point my main hope is that he agrees to sign a new contract rather than dashing off to Villa or Man City, although given the likely hike in wages I doubt many would blame him for doing so.

I am still unable to determine if he is left or right footed. I am also unable to determine if this is a good or bad thing.

Best Performance : Liverpool (a)

Rating : 7/10

James Collins : Appearances - 20 (1), Bookings - 4

A frustrating season for the big Welshman, who endured a number of setbacks as he attempted to return from a bad ACL injury. Having had my own glittering career struck down by this particular knock I can sympathise with the amount of effort that will have gone into regaining his place, only to suffer a succession of niggling injuries that hampered his year.

When he did play it was business as usual. Solid and dependable against lower/mid table types, and prone to being slaughtered by elite forwards (Berbatov at Old Trafford springs glaringly to mind). He still distributes the ball with all the accuracy of a government economic forecast, but he does try exceptionally hard.

Put in a contender for individual performance of the season at Sunderland as he single handedly repelled Djibril Cisse and his ridiculous barnet.

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Rating : 5/10

James Tomkins : Appearances 14 (1), Goals - 1, Sent Off - 1

Friends, I have seen the future and thy name is Tomkins. The callow, willowy youth of last year is gone, and in his place is a genuine bona fide Premier League centre half. In fact, I would go so far as to say that James Collins may struggle to regain his place next year as Tomkins possesses better technique, pace and hair for the Premier League battles ahead.

Will be on international duty this summer, where I pray that he learns absolutely nothing from Steven Taylor, and spends no time eating with the coagulating fat mass that is Tom Huddlestone.

Somewhat sadly, it is his development that will eventually allow the Club to move on Upson, which is kind of a good business model and kind of a kick in the teeth. C'est la vie.

Best Performance : Stoke (a)

Rating : 7/10

Calum Davenport : Appearances - 8, Goals - 1, Bookings - 1, Major Strops - 1

Ah Calum, we hardly knew ye. Davenport began the year in the side and didn't perform too badly at all. Always a classy enough footballer, his big problem tended to be that he couldn't cope all that well with speedy forwards or strong winds, which often snapped him in half, such is his gangliness.

After a towering display in our 1-1 draw at Chelsea he threw a Mariah Careyian hissy fit when he was dropped for the home match with Stoke, as Zola decided that he needed someone a bit less namby pamby to cope with the visitors marauding Orc hordes.

Subsequently joined the exodus to Sunderland where he once more got to experience the joy of a relegation battle and trying to understand what on earth Anton Ferdinand thinks about. Seems unlikely to return either to the Boleyn or to Wearside but might well have a career as the bottom half of the giant doctor from Scrubs.

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

Rating : 5/10

Walter Lopez : Appearances -1 (5)

The best Uruguayan we've ever had. Managed one whole game against Watford in the League Cup and 5 substitute appearances that totalled 20 minutes, in the League. I think it's safe to say that Zola does not see him as a game changer.

If I'm totally honest, my biggest query about Lopez is not really football related, but I am intrigued as to exactly why the name "Walter" is so popular in South America.

Could still be with us next year, or he could alternatively devote his life to resolving the issue of how best to slice mushrooms for optimum taste.

Best Performance : Watford (a)

Rating : 4/10

West Ham vs Middlesbrough: Match Preview - 24/05/2009

2009-05-21T21:06:00.006+01:00

1. Opposition

Middlesbrough have lived a charmed life over the last few years and are overdue a spell in the lower leagues.

Gareth Southgate’s controversial appointment as manager in lieu of formal UEFA accreditation has backfired and the twelve people who regularly attend the Riverside have recently roused sufficient consciousness to vent their disapproval.

Southgate vowed a more attacking approach this season, but those aspirations have floundered on the twin rocks of ineptitude and investing both your hopes and £12million in Alfonso Alves.

Turkish hitman Tuncay Sanli has been the only Boro player to fire the imagination this season and will be the target of several Premiership clubs should Boro go down.

Stewart Downing sustained a serious injury against Villa that will keep him on the sidelines for some months, potentially jeopardise a move away from The Riverside. Gutted.

2. Death Throes

It is fairly unusual for so much to be left undecided going into the season’s final fixture and while European qualification is now beyond us, we still have a part to play.

Any of the North East triumvirate of tedium could still be relegated along with doomed West Brom, and Hull City remain in danger.

All candidates face tricky fixtures on final day (with the arguable exception of Middlesbrough) and some have missed the boat in terms of actively shaping their own destiny.

Hull and Sunderland are the only two sides whose fate remains in their own hands, although Hull have a tough fixture at home to Champions Manchester United and Sunderland host Chelsea.

Newcastle visit Villa Park and depressingly, it wouldn’t surprise me were they to emerge as this year’s unlikely escapees, despite the odds being largely stacked against them.

An away win alone is not enough to secure survival for Boro and they are dependent on both Newcastle and Hull losing as well as redressing a current minus 4 goal difference relative to Hull City.

3. Picture Book

Gareth Southgate unveils Australia's new bushfire early warning system.

4. History

Fortune has presented us with the opportunity of condemning Middlesbrough to relegation and a minimum sentence of one year’s hard labour in The Championship.

In recent seasons, Boro have regularly embodied the most lacklustre outfit to visit Upton Park and we can strike the coup de grâce to their 11-year Premier League occupancy if we take anything out of this game.

Historically, Boro's trips to east London have worked well for us as we have claimed eight wins and two draws from the previous eleven encounters at Upton Park.

You wouldn’t know it this season however. We’ve already played Boro three times claiming a point away in the League before a disappointing 1-1 draw at home in the FA Cup and a worse 2-0 away defeat in the replay.

Getting back to the positive, we haven’t been beaten on the final day of the season since 2001 – cosmically, the last team to do so was Middlesbrough.

5. Eurovision

Recent results against Merseyside’s finest have put the kibosh on our hopes of an appearance in the inaugural Europa Leage.While we’re out of the race, it remains close with Fulham in pole position after excellent results against Villa and Newcastle.

Fulham are deserving of a place in the new competition, if only to see ex-Hammers Paul Konchesky, Bobby Z and King John Paintsil display their varying degrees of perplexing dexterity on the European stage.

Their participation would also be just reward for manager Woy Hodgson who, after a relegation escape last year to rival our own of the previous season, gets my vote for Manager of the Year.

6. Positive Propulsion

The concealed blessing contained within our failure to secure Europa League qualification is that the management team can focus solely on next season’s domestic campaign.

A few big name players will be offered improved contracts in the summer and it will be interesting to see who ties their flags to Zola’s mast and who jumps ship for monetary gain dressed up as the chance to play in Europe. I’m looking at you, Lucas Neill.

In terms of new additions, we are obviously in need of a consistently reliable striker who is not liable to set himself on fire at any given moment.

David DiMichele has had his all-too-fleeting moments, but at 32 will not improve upon his current form.

Diego Tristan’s charred remains are unlikely to act as a consistently potent goal threat, but can act as a wonderfully nutrient-rich compost for the malnourished turf of the Boleyn over the summer months.

Dean Ashton’s return is likely to be just another frustrating glimpse of what could be, before he turns his ankle tripping over our diminutive manager in October and misses the remainder of the season.

A creative element in midfield would also improve us. The signing of Savio along with Zola’s commitment to youth intimates that an experienced midfielder in a creative mould would serve us better than another bag of potential.

Kieron Dyer could well be that player. But I’m willing to bet that he’s equally likely to be the first person in the UK to die of swine flu.

7. Picture Book

LN: 'You earned loads of money and had a great time in Athens right, Ian?'

IT: 'Get away from me until you can grow a proper beard.'

8. The Bigger Picture

So what can we take from this season? Satisfaction? Optimism for a future under the tutelage of Zola and Clarke? An entrenched aversion to ceaseless Court cases?

Back in August 2008, I think most West Ham fans would have sacrificed a top half finish via Curbishley’s brand of anti-football if the alternative were entertainment.

One sacking and one global economic meltdown later and we have been left with both, although wearily this is likely to be another season remembered for off the field indiscretions.

The turmoil swirling around the club has been tempered since January and for that the management team and evil genius Scott Duxbury can take credit.

In October, with Zola having lost four of his first five games in charge, things looked bleak, but the cheery Italian has turned things around. For the first time in quite some time, we appear to have a squad who really want to play for their manager.

An unerring sense of déjà vu accompanies the summer break as for the third year in a row, the prospect of a new season heralds promising change – but not because of lavish and imprudent spending or the exhumation of Manor Park cemetery for ‘rehabilitated’ summer signings.

Either mild progression or genuine consolidation would do me. The difference being that this will gladly not come at the expense of the club’s traditional aesthetics.

West Ham 0 - 3 Liverpool (And Other Ramblings)

2009-05-18T23:35:00.003+01:00

1. I'm Not There

I have been absent for slightly longer than normal. It's no big deal, it just turns out that 3 children take quite a lot of looking after, and contrary to my previous belief - kids above the age of 3 don't just raise themselves.

Anyway, I'm not writing a summary for this game because - well, would you?

After all, it turns out that Steven Gerrard is really quite good and David di Michele really isn't...

Here endeth the lesson.

Everton vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 16/05/2009

2009-05-14T23:44:00.002+01:00

1. Opposition

Love them or hate them, Everton have done a fine job in securing European football for another season and David Moyes has again proven what a good manager he is.

A third consecutive top six finish plus an FA Cup Final appearance is assured. Combine this with long-term injuries to key-players such as Mikel Arteta and Yakubu, and this constitutes a great campaign for any team outside the top 4.

Bearing in mind their shaky start to the season and the criticism Moyes sustained for not strengthening extensively in the summer, The Toffees can be happy with their lot.

Everton are a aside I can admire and one I think with which West Ham have an affinity – a community-founded team with a tradition of good football and loyal, genuine fans, often cast in the shadow of more illustrious neighbours.

If only Tim Cahill didn’t play for them, I think we would all get along really well. What is it with Cahill? At least our Australian has the good grace to be less annoying than Tim Cahill.

2. Onward Tristan Soldiers

As has been the case before this season, we are currently struggling to find the back of the net relative to the amount of chances created.

Diego Tristan is currently campaigning for an extension to his contract. The previously extinct striker has got a couple of goals of late, but was largely if not entirely absent against Liverpool.

Di Michele spurned our best chance of the weekend by embarrassingly falling to the ground like a pissed ballerina, and together our two forwards made a toothless pair.

Carlton Cole is back in the matchday squad having missed the last eight games after hobbling off injured in England’s 4-0 win over Slovakia back in March. Cole will doubtless feature and there is even a chance he could start as he has undergone a full week’s training.

A genuine physical presence upfront would provide a welcome break from Di Michele’s well-meaning forays and Tristan’s ethereal zombie meanderings.

3. History

By and large, we don’t do well at Goodison Park. Or against Everton generally. Or, as Saturday’s 3-0 loss and an embarrassing FA Cup 3rd round defeat to Tranmere ten years ago illustrate, against any team from the Merseyside area.

In the history of the Premier League, we have only won at Goodison twice, having lost eight times. We’ve been on the wrong end of 6-0 and 5-0 drubbings and escaped with just three draws.

Last season was one of those draws, ending as it did 1-1 and yet producing one of the better away performances of Alan Curbishley’s spell in charge.

James Tomkins hit the bar four minutes into his first team debut before being turned inside out for Yakubu’s opening goal, substitute Freddie Sears terrorised Phil Jagielka, hitting the post in injury time, and Dean Ashton scored a lovely equalising header.

That remains one of my favourite goals from our very own peroxide blonde biscuit barrel, along with this one and how long ago does that seem?

4. Be Still My Twitching Knee

I recently happened to chance upon a copy of The Daily Mail in a canteen, discarded by the tea-lady once it had lost its absorbency.

Buried deep among the balanced reporting of how immigrants are planning on using confused WW2 veterans as a delivery system for a giant cancer bomb they are planning to detonate in your children’s schools, I happened upon an article detailing the results of a recent poll commissioned by Disney.

It was based upon the public’s perception of Britain’s most talented family. The Attenborough’s came top, followed by the McCartneys. Nothing amiss there, you would think.

Nestling at number 9 were the Redknapps. Now hate him or loathe him, but Harry is good at what he does. So far as I am aware he constitutes one member of said family.

Jamie Redknapp is an unequivocal twat.

Sometimes I fear for this country, I really do.

5. Priorities

Saturday’s loss and Fulham’s good form do not bode well for hopes of European qualification, but this could prove no bad thing in the long-term.

I think we would all gladly sacrifice a few jaunts to the Continent if it were to come at the expense of soundly based progress on the domestic front.

The two schools of thought are that either (a) European football will make our current crop of players better for the experience or, (b) could prove a damaging distraction from our meat and potatoes League standing and overstretch an ill-equipped squad.

A happy compromise could be qualification for the Europa League followed by a swift exit after a couple of rounds. Preferably with away fixtures somewhere hot.

That way, the squad gets experience before focusing on the League and we get a couple of Jolly Boys Outings.

6. The Last Line

Up until Steven Gerrard foiled Lucas Neill’s laboured attempt to play him offside in little over a minute, our recent defensive performances had been solid.

Prior to Liverpool’s win, we had conceded just four goals in our previous nine games, going back to the beginning of March.

James Tomkins is providing genuine competition for places and Danny Gabbidon has nearly timed his return from injury perfectly to coincide with the end of the season,

Everton can boast an equally resilient back line however, having recently set a new club record of 16 clean sheets for the season, breaking the prior best of 15 set in the mid-90’s.

No mean feat when you consider that the previous holders also had the irrefutable advantage of Neville Southall in goal, a man whose individual supply of half-time chocolate oranges kept Terry’s in business right through the 80’s.

West Ham United vs Liverpool: Match Preview - 09/04/2009

2009-05-08T06:40:00.002+01:00

1. Opposition

This weekend the hallowed plains of Upton Park shall play host to Liverpool, erstwhile kings of English football, but for so long reduced to also-rans.

This season Liverpool have managed to construct a sturdier title challenge, altogether more robust than in recent years where they have petered out by January.

It would take Manchester United to drop 6-points in their remaining four games for Liverpool to win the title this year, but they have provided the champions with their closest challenge in the league.

While things looked promising a few weeks back following Liverpool’s 4-1 demolition of United at Old Trafford, Man U have since found form and characteristic slip-ups against lesser opposition in the middle part of the season would appear to have cost Liverpool once more.

But for all their progress under Rafa Benitez, they remain over-reliant on their two talismans, Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres.

Both players make a strong case for being considered the best in the world in their respective positions, but you can’t say the same with any conviction of any other Liverpool player in regard to the Premier League, let alone the world.

They do have their share of good players and their qualities as a side are self-evident, Jamie Carragher and Xavi Alonso supplementing Gerrard and Torres.

Javier Mascherano is integral to their upsurge and is in line to make his first return to Upton Park since being kept out of our side by the mighty Hayden Mullins, having missed out with injury last time Liverpool were in town.

So it seems that depth of real quality has once again let Liverpool down - not that we are in any position to comment whatsoever as we currently have all the depth of a teaspoon.

2. Relegation Roll-Call

We are fast approaching the time of year when the axe of relegation falls onto the scrawny necks of underperforming clubs, severing the vacuous heads of managerial inadequacy from the ailing body of sub-standard playing staff.

Being well clear of the trouble ourselves, we are able to adopt the pompous and accusatory position usually reserved for Simon Cowell or Mark Lawrenson.

It’s difficult to choose from the contenders, although Newcastle are a given. As are Middlesbrough.

Newcastle have nobody to blame but themselves and the calamitous way in which a couple of seasons in the sun in the mid-90’s has governed the ‘revolving-door’ running of the club ever since.

Middlesbrough are lamentable in every sense bar their Chairman, Steve Gibson. I even think Gareth Southgate is a nice enough bloke, but it looks as if the Fates will have their vengeful way in recompense for the summer of ‘96. That Pizza Hut advert was unforgivable.

West Brom look doomed, but conversely it is they who I would like to see pull off a miracle turn around. Unlikely, as it would take something even more miraculous than our own escape two seasons ago or that of Fulham last year.

In a perfect world I’m torn between the prospect of Sunderland joining Boro and Newcastle in a triple-whammy for the North East ‘hotbed of football’, or the spectacular fall from grace of Hull City.

Hull were most people’s second team a few short months ago, but their disastrous run of picking up just 8 points from their last 20 games puts them in the thick of it.

The law of averages dictated that after such a momentous start, this chronic bad spell was always coming and erratic manager Phil Brown seems utterly powerless to prevent the slide.

With Brown’s increasing cult of personality, perma-tan, ridiculous radio-mic sellotaped to his face and misguided purchase of Jimmy Bullard (whose knee is so obviously being held together with sorbet and damp cornflakes), I confess to having more sympathy with the plight of Phil Spector than that of Hull City.

Either way, there are big games this weekend as Hull host Stoke City and Middlesbrough visit Newcastle.

3. History

In this same fixture last season we picked up our first home win against Liverpool in six attempts, courtesy of a last minute Mark Noble penalty.

It was a deserved victory and one born of a high work-rate throughout the team, something we’ll need again on Saturday.

We have generally been Liverpool’s bitch for many years, not having won at Anfield since 1963 (?!) and last year’s 3-points constituting our only home win against them since the turn of the century.

With the title Man United’s to lose, Liverpool are not yet lacking in motivation as they would still go top were they to win on Saturday. With the prospect of European football enticingly within our reach, both teams have something to play for at this late stage of the season, which could make for an exciting encounter.

4. Eurovision

Will we, won’t we?

The prospect of European football next season is coming evermore tantalisingly into focus.

The various mini-leagues that constitute the Premiership are becoming ever tighter, and none more so than our own particular battle for European qualification.

Saturday’s noteworthy win at Stoke City (only the 4th time they have lost at home all season) was a must if we are to claim what seemed so unlikely back in October.

Middlesbrough’s condemnation to the Championship prior to the final day would do us a favour as our two other remaining fixtures (today’s game and Everton away) are far from bankers.

But, none of those in contention have particularly easy run-ins:

Man City – Man Utd (a), tottenham (h), Bolton (h)

Fulham – Villa (h), Newcastle (a), Everton (a)

tottenham – Everton (a), Man City (h), Liverpool (a)

A demoralised Boro and the seven fans they are sure to bring to the Boleyn would provide a nice fillip should we come unstuck against Merseyside’s finest.

Zola seems to think four points will do it, but I’m not so sure. With Everton having one eye on the FA Cup Final, a point on Saturday followed by a couple of end-of season wins would see us alright.

5. Beauty And The Beast

How joyous it was to watch the hulking Chelsea juggernaut despatched from the Champions League by a balletic Barcelona this week.

Cries of ‘conspiracy’ ring hollow, for as perhaps one of Chelsea’s four penalty shouts was nailed on, so Eric Abidal’s dismissal in the second half for Barcelona was unduly harsh.

Man United vs Barcelona is the final everyone outside of Stamford Bridge and The Emirates wanted to see, and one hopes that it can be contested fairly between the 22 players on the pitch, bereft of any outside influence.

Not least from myself as on Wednesday night whilst watching the game at home, I dropped a chocolate biscuit and Didier Drogba fell over.

Falling only just short of last year’s final for blissful catastrophe, it was good to see the Chelsea players, particularly cry-baby Drogba, take their defeat with all the graceful class of….

….well, I have been searching high and low for a biting and offensive metaphor here, but can do no better than ‘a bunch of Chelsea players’.

Stoke City 0 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-05-05T20:58:00.025+01:00

1. May The Fourth Be With You

This, ladies and gentleman, was a victory for the forces of good and all that is right and holy in the Universe. Stoke are "good" for the Premiership in the same way that Coke is "good" for your teeth.

2. Shocked? I Nearly Bought My Own Drink

"West Ham score direct from a free kick. Just out of shot, Hell is freezing over"

3. The Statistics

Per the ever trusty ESPN Gamecast, Stoke had the ball for just 40% of the time, whilst we had a curious 61% share. This is remarkable not only because it's a huge number but also one that defies the basic laws of mathematics.

Now I don't know how these kinds of statistics are identified, but I'd have to hazard a guess that Stoke never have much by way of possession, purely because whenever they get the ball they launch it into the opposition box from a great height. Most of the time that results in them giving the ball away, and therefore the opposition are always likely to have a greater share of possession.

The pure numbers would show that this game was somewhat even in the sense that Stoke had more goal attempts (12 to 8) but with less on target (2 to our 3). They also had 7 corners whilst we didn't even manage one, but to counter that we had the aforementioned superiority of possession. None of these statistics illustrate particularly well that these two teams were light years removed from each other in terms of quality.

Elsewhere, Diego Tristan had all of our on target goal attempts, which seems remarkable as up until this game I didn't think his legs worked.

4. The Opposition

After our 2-1 home victory against Stoke in December I wrote this . It was posted here and perhaps unsurprisingly was not overly popular with Stoke fans. Now look - I don't much care about that, but I would like to think that despite the obviously biased starting position, I can occasionally make observations that fans on both sides of the aisle can agree with.

To that end I am going to re posit my initial thoughts about Stoke, as detailed in that first column back in December:

This. Is. (Still). Not. Football.

Getting the ball and whacking it into the corner in the hope of forcing a throw in is not football. It's rugby. It's fucking rugby.

Now, I'm all for teams maximising their resources, and being adaptable and using the tools at their disposal, but Stoke have moved far beyond those simple platitudes. This is egregiously offensive stuff. As a paying fan you are simply being told that your enjoyment is secondary to Stoke staying in the division. Now I'm not here to criticise a team for doing whatever they can to survive, but I simply asking if it has to be quite this cynical? I mean, these guys make Bolton look like an Arsene Wenger side, such is the unreconstructed nature of their play.

I don't doubt that Stoke fans will be aggrieved at this, and in some ways I don't blame them, but I couldn't watch this shit every week. We had a brief dalliance with this type of thing with Curbishley and it felt like half the fanbase were ready to turn in their season tickets in protest. The fact that Stoke fans appear to totally disagree with me, is perhaps a reflection that modern day fans will accept pretty much any kind of football so long as it gets them to the Premier League.

One can only hope that second season syndrome hits them hard, as we have quite enough of this crap in the league already.

5. The Referee

If Peter Walton was expecting a tasty game here today he was fairly mistaken. Certainly Stoke weren't shy of using their elbows to do pretty much anything, but by and large it was blood and thunder stuff without an underlying menace.

I thought Boa Morte was somewhat fortunate to get away with a late tackle on Rory Delap but Walton probably thought - "Hey it's Rory Delap - I'd kick the little shit too." As it was, Delap had a little kick back at Boa Morte's backside, which caused the Portuguese to roll around clutching his thigh, at which point Walton just booked them both for being utter tools.

He did also disallow two goals, one for each side, that weren't immediately obviously foul in their inception. Ricardo Fuller jumped into Rob Green for a cross, and I suppose that had a bit of foul play about it, but the di Michele goal appears to have been chalked off merely on the grounds that the referee assumed Tristan and di Michele couldn't possibly do anything good so why not.

Hard to argue with the logic.

6. Goooaaaaaallll!

We don't score much from free kicks. I can recall a couple from Nobby Solano, and a couple from Tevez, but before that I think you'd need to go back to the Tudor era for a West Ham goal scored direct from a set play.

So as Diego Tristan hovered over the ball, with his shaven head bowed, and his corpse rotting into the ground, I didn't expect a great deal. Instead, he strolled up and curled it right into the top corner. It was his third goal for us, and probably the first one that he's actually known anything about.

He has now scored twice against Stoke City this season, which is a sentence that ranks right up there amongst the strangest I have ever written.

7. Kudos

In a match where the sole opposition threat was only ever going to come from aerial raids, it was imperative that our keeper was up to the task. To that end I'd like to commend Rob Green, who was largely untroubled in keeping a clean sheet.

He decided that rather than cowering on his line, he would come charging out for every cross, throw in, chip packet and tsetse fly that arrived in the box. All in all a nice job.

Elsewhere, Lucas Neill was tremendous as he revelled in the chance to kick Matty Etherington up in the air with impunity, whilst single handedly driving us forward at times in the second half. It's fairly hard to say that his recent surge in form isn't related to his contract being up at the end of the season but either way it's been a welcome sight.

8. Positional Nonsense

I still don't understand why Junior Stanislas is playing on the left and Luis Boa Morte is playing on the right. In fact it makes my eyes bleed. Could we please stop it ...

West Ham 0 - 1 Chelsea (And Other Ramblings)

2009-04-27T10:49:00.042+01:00

1. Such Dignity

"Ladies and Gentlemen - your England Captain"

2. And Again

"Ladies and Gentlemen - your England Captain's Bentley parked in a Disabled bay".

3. The Future's Bright

This was a supposed to be a tremendous weekend for the club. We extended the contracts of Zola and Clarke until 2013 - because rewarding our rookie manager with a long extension after a good start has never failed us before - and we were going to be all fired up to give Zola a hand in putting one over on his old club in a feisty local derby.

As it transpired, we were poor, Chelsea were poor and the paper thin squad looked to be suffering from the exertions of recent weeks. Zola's love in with Chelsea continued, but that bothers me much less than the fact that his love in with David di Michele is also continuing.

After the dust has settled, the club look to have been unusually prescient in tying Zola down for an extended period. The key difference between the Italian and, say, Roeder is that he appears to have the players invested in the cause and determined to play well for him. Clarke is a well respected assistant, and the one to whom I attribute the credit for our new found resilience. It is hard to say enough good things about the manager who has taken us to 7th with a squad that has been so decimated with injuries and sales.

I sincerely doubt that the contract will be enough to stave off interest from Chelsea should it arrive, but I wouldn't waste much time worrying about that. If he wants to go he will go - this cannot be a surprise to anyone who has watched professional football ever before in their life. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that if Chelsea want him it will be because he has done a good job for us. At which point he can hopefully "do a Shearer" for Chelsea.

4. The Statistics

Amidst the hubris and caustic posturing there was a (very dull) game of football played on Saturday. Essentially Chelsea beat our reserves, and some people said some nasty things about John Terry. Ho hum.

The ESPN GameCast shows the visitors having the ball for a whopping 65% of the time. In truth this isn't surprising as we surrendered possession as easily as a French General gives up his border towns. The odd thing is that both sides managed just 5 shots on target, although Chelsea had a blunderbuss-like 23 efforts all told. Both Lampard and Malouda were the most guilty with just two efforts troubling Rob Green from a combined 12 shots.

Elsewhere our most promising attacks landed at the feet of Kieron Dyer, who finished them off with all the aplomb that one might expect from a man who has spent the last two years receiving medical attention from Billy Zane circa Memphis Belle ("I lied - I only went to medical school for two weeks!").

In other news, we found it necessary to foul Florent Malouda 3 times, which was more than any other player on the pitch. There are words, but they fail me.

5. The Opposition

I think it would be fair to say that Chelsea were not at their best here. Certainly they were better than us, but that is really not as much of an achievement as it should have been.

With Drogba, Cole and Essien on the bench, it was clear from the outset that Hiddink had one eye on the upcoming trip to Barcelona, and wasn't feeling overly concerned at the prospect of keeping out the mighty Tristan/di Michele combination. And how right he was.

The problem with Chelsea is not really with their style of play, which is pleasing enough if slightly robotic, but instead that their team is filled to the brim with dislikeable bastards. Ashley Cole, Drogba, Terry, Carvalho et al are so thoroughly odious that it's really pretty hard not to hate them. And that's before I even get to Lampard, who inspires far greater opprobrium amongst other Hammers than he does with me.

Look, I'm pretty biased about Chelsea. They are a nouveau club with as many Japanese tourists in their crowd as proper fans. They spend money to achieve success and have gone from a middling club to a player on the World stage. I'm sort of jealous, and sort of disdainful. In truth, I actually don't give them a great deal of thought. They operate in a different stratosphere to us, and if our reserves can lose 1-0 to them whilst missing a penalty and having one cleared off the line then that's probably a pretty decent result, all things considered.

Florent Malouda is pretty bad though. Yes sir. Someone shoot that boy.

6. The Referee

Getting a penalty against a big club is pretty difficult, even at home. This can be attributed to the fact that they have better defenders than other teams, and also to the fact that John Terry doesn't like it very much when referees give decisions against his team and thus tends to lambast them like the overwrought school bully that he so resembles.

So credit Mike Dean for giving us a penalty after Salomon Kalou stowed his cerebrum in the overhead locker and pulled down Herita Ilunga. Some other decisions were on the strange side but that's to be expected

7. Paying The Penalty

Sadly, our fortunes in this game came down to Mark Noble's ability to beat Petr Cech from 12 yards. Although he somewhat telegraphed his intentions, and hit the same side that he always does, I'd put it down as a good save rather than a bad miss. It seemed a foolish decision to go for Cech's left side as he is a natural southpaw but that's second guessing of the worst kind. He hit it well, it was excellently saved, let's all go home.

Of greater concern perhaps is the question of who takes the next one. To my mind a good penalty taker needs two things - a strong temperament and a technique that will stand up to pressure. Noble appears to have both so I wouldn't be in a rush to make a change.

For instance, I sincerely doubt whether Luis Boa Morte has the requisite technique to propel a spherical object 12 yards into an empty net, let alone one guarded by Petr Cech. And the idea of David di Michele taking one actually makes me cry a little. So basically - as long as Noble wants to keep taking them, I'd let him. Because if you think that was a bad penalty then you seriously need to watch Freddie Kanoute's effort against Arsenal again.

8. If It Wasn't For Fish And Chips I Don't Know Why We'd Have Newspapers

Following some nasty booing and less than gentlemanly comments about Frank Lampard and John Terry, we are now playing the part of pantomime villain for the British press once more. I'd link to the articles, but really you're better off not reading them.

Now, I have stated on here a number of times that I don't really see any point in booing or abusing players. Just because I pay £50 to see Waiting for Godot doesn't give me the right to yell things about Patrick Stewart. If I pay £50 to see Neil Young it doesn't allow to scream abuse about his kids. Sure, football is different, but manners and decency still apply, even if you would be hard pressed to believe it sometimes. In particular, I don't really get the fervour that surrounds Lampard, especially, but I realise I'm in the minority there.

But here's the thing. I'm not a moral compass. I think like I do, and lots of people disagree. That's what comes of living in a (sort of) free society. But I'll be buggered if I'm going to be lectured on morality by the unholy trinity of Terry, Lampard and The Sun. I mean seriously - you have to be fucking kidding me.

The Sun's article was written (in crayon, probably) by Ian McGarry, who in his haste to write a balanced, neutral and representative article forgot to mention that he is Frank Lampard's biographer.

So even as he was writing a piece that really should have been stamped "Produced by the authority of Chelsea Football Club", McGarry had forgotten a fundamental rule. The same laws that allow The Sun to run two front page stories exposing Lampard's marital infidelities are the same laws that let West Ham fans sing "Lampard - you let your family down".

And the same laws that let The Sun run a front page headline "John Terry's Mum Caught Shoplifting" are the same laws that allow West Ham fans to sing "John Terry - your mum's a thief".

Is it a bit distasteful? Yes. Is it childish? Yes. Is it "vile and hateful" as McGarry states? Do me a favour, you snivelling, hypocritical little prick.

I would suggest that men who get drunk on September 11th and abuse American tourists are "vile and hateful". I would suggest that men who go on holiday and make home sex videos against the wishes of the women involved are "vile and hateful". So what if they got a bit of verbal on Saturday? They should sit down with David Beckham and ask him what he thinks about crowd abuse. At least neither had effigies hung of them.

In truth, I don't know why it riles me at all. McGarry is no more a journalist than I am. He is little more than a mouthpiece for the Premier League and it's "stars", and he's just writing what he's told to write. Newspapers these days exist purely as a promotional tool for big clubs and subject us to an unending slurry of hyperbolic shite in the process.

However, I can't help but think that someone somewhere should have advised John Terry to avoid the following phrase when he's complaining of people singing about his mother's shoplifting caution.

"We came here and got three points and they walked away with nothing. You can't buy that" .

Careful John, some people might consider that "evidence".

West Ham United vs Chelsea: Match Preview - 25/04/2009

2009-04-23T21:50:00.011+01:00

1. To The Manor Born

Before we start, congratulations to HeadHammer Shark are once again in order on the recent birth of his third daughter.

As he flaunts his virility like a devout Catholic porn star, we can assume that his recent dearth of publication is due to pure animalistic breeding.

My excuse is far less endearing, more closely linked with Guinness, baked goods and the absence of a keyboard sufficiently large to accommodate my chubby digits.

2. The Opposition

Chelsea. *swallows bile*

At the business end of the season Chelsea have managed to find themselves in with a shout of varying degrees in the holy trinity of club football competitions. This may not seem unusual, but appears a little surprising given their unspectacular season.

After the headline grabbing appointment of ‘Big’ Phil Scolari in the summer, Chelsea flattered to deceive and never possessed the imposing inevitability of previous years.

The loss of their unbeaten home record and a series of underwhelming home displays prompted the equally headline grabbing sacking of Scolari, to eventually be replaced by Guus ‘watch-me-turn-this-water-into-wine’ Hiddink as manager.

Hiddink has continually insisted that he will return to his full-time role as manager of the Russian national side at the end of this season.

No bad thing, as any man who can guide South Korea to a World Cup semi-final and produce an Australian national side capable of taking World Champions-elect Italy to the wire, (but for our own cumbersome captain), has talent.

3. Picture Book

The Curly-Wurly's from Lampard's locker just kept coming.

4. From Small Acorns

We find ourselves at a peculiar point in West Ham’s recent history - largely positive and consistent performances on the pitch, turmoil off it.

Are we on the brink of a new era of successful, traditionally pleasing football, or teetering on the precipice?

We get more than enough doom and gloom from Headhammer Shark, so let’s align ourselves with positivity.

Ever-positive cheeky monkey Gianfranco Zola said recently: “Please stop it, Mr Duxbury. You’re hurting me.”

But that’s beside the point. He followed up with:

“I believe we are building up a reputation because we try to play good football and there is a good atmosphere. That could be an attractive thing for good players to come. I wouldn't be surprised to see a good player come to play for West Ham in the summer.”

While it is Zola’s job to accentuate the positive, his presence at the helm no doubt makes us a more attractive proposition to potential recruits.

Should we be able to steer our way out of these choppy off-field waters and tie down Zola and Steve Clarke on long term deals, then there is every reason for optimism.

Not the kind of optimism that followed our promotion, or 9th place under Pardew, or our FA Cup Final appearance, or the news that we finally had money to spend, or the propspect of big signings returning from injury - but optimism built on a sound foundation and garnered step by step.

5. History

This same fixture last season constitutes a particularly ugly scar on my psyche. On a glorious Saturday afternoon, with supporters in fine voice and fettle, West Ham conspired to concede three times within the opening 20-minutes.

A scuffed penalty from the Pillsbury Dough Boy and a low angled drive from Joe Cole were followed by a fine half-volley from Michael Ballack after some good approach play, to thoroughly douse any hopes of a famous victory.

And all this prior to Nicolas Anelka incorrectly having a goal ruled out for offside. Not even the dismissal of Lampard, (thanks to yet more Boa Morte genius), could negate the deflation.

Ashley Cole added a fourth before the sweet release of the final whistle to make it the third time in five games that we had conceded four against Chelsea.

A massive anti-climax all round, and what did tactical supremo Alan Curbishley have to say in response?

"My players have done fantastically well this season. We have had major injury problems. I'm not going to criticise them."

Grrr, indeed. This was justifiably the beginning of the end for Curbishley, not to mention the first of our three consecutive 4-0 drubbings.

A rosier view of history would tell you that our overall record against Chelsea remains a positive one with 52 wins to 47 losses.

A Machiavellian use of statistics, no doubt, but at this blog we choose to spurn painful realism. It is this same approach that informs you that both Headhammer Shark and I are fine figures of men.

6. Picture Book

The shame of that penalty miss eventually proved too much. John Terry decided to start a new life elsewhere...

7. Makeshift Make-Up

Injuries continue to affect our season and that is not going to change between now and mid-May.

While Kieron Dyer makes ever-increasing steps to a starting berth and therefore the treatment room, we remain without Cole, Collins, Collison, Behrami and Parker. Not to mention the more regular patrons of our shaman’s tepee.

Chelsea have leaked their fair share of goals in recent games, but it is hard to see us giving them too much trouble at the back.

Last weekend’s equaliser against Villa does not excuse Diego Tristan’s lamentable contribution since his loan signing and he is yet to appreciate that a lack of work-rate will not wash, particularly when compounded by a lack of attacking threat.

David DiMichele does have that work-rate, but the writing would appear to be on the wall. The club were only too keen to make Herita Ilunga’s loan deal a permanent one, but no such move has been touted for the Italian forward.

Our biggest omission will be Scott Parker, particularly with the recent return of Michael Essien to the Chelsea midfield. For all the plaudits hurled at Lampard, it is Essien who adds strength and resilience to the centre of the park for The Blues and makes the difference.

Mark Noble is too slight to combat the Nigerian and while an out-of-position Lucas Neill has the requisite bulk in abundance, Essien has the added advantage of mobility, allowing him to pogo around Lucas at will.

8. The Big Picture

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I think we can all be satisfied with this season, all things considered.

Back in October, had we been offered a guarantee of Premiership survival, we would’ve jumped at it. Anything above and beyond that has been a bonus in another tumultuous term at Upton Park.

Our tentative grasp on 7^th spot and a place in next season’s inaugural Europa League (read ‘UEFA Cup with more money-spinning sideshows'), looks increasingly insecure given our threadbare squad and tricky run-in.

Guus ‘The Alchemist’ Hiddink has confessed that Chelsea’s quest for the League title is at an end and that they must now focus on the FA Cup Final against Everton and Tuesday’s Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.

We can expect some big names to be rested on Saturday as a result, although Chelsea have enough depth to beat our current transient line-up with little trouble.

Still, this is supposed to be a cheerful post, so 4-2 to West Ham with Boa Morte scoring the perfect hat-trick.

9. Picture Book

"Think about it - with your teeth and my appetite, we can become destroyers of men..."

Aston Villa 1 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-04-23T19:22:00.008+01:00

1. Hello, I Think I Remember You

Eagle eyed readers will note that the H List has been updated much less frequently of late. The non observant types will hardly have seen any discernible difference to the normal output, as we have been producing articles with Halleys Comet like regularity since the turn of the year.

There are two reasons for our lethargy. Firstly, The Boleyn Beluga has been celebrating his 30th birthday. I use the past tense as the big day was actually in March. He has therefore been "celebrating" like a Roman Emperor with a month long parade of orgies, games and grapes.

Secondly, Mrs Shark delivered Miss Shark Junior Mk III a week ago. In the lead up to this momentous event she did what all expectant mothers do - she had me dig up and relay our back lawn. She was even kind enough to lay on 10 cubic metres of soil for me to shovel and wheelbarrow from the front of my house to the back. All of which took a piffling four days.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Mostly because I need to explain to you why there was no report for the 90 minute shitefest that was our performance at tottenham. And there you have it - I was shovelling dirt. And it was better than watching the game.

Short version - this will be a truncated H List.

2. When Finishing 7th Was Suddenly Like Winning

Due to the strange machinations of the English league and Cup system, we could finish 7th this year and qualify for the newly created Europa League. This will replace the much maligned UEFA Cup, although not in any way that could be considered "good". It has more games, no prize money and exists solely to add comfort to those clubs who bow out of the Champions League early in the piece. (I swear to God that I write stuff like this and wonder why on earth we accept the ridiculous structure of European football, simply so that we can maintain the status quo for the odious G14. There is a revolution coming my friends...).

Anyway, we have been clinging on grimly to 7th spot for a while, although our mounting injury list is making this a task of great difficulty. There has been quite some debate around whether our pursuit of a European adventure is even a worthwhile activity given that we are now operating with a squad of 8 plus the children of the coaching staff, and are therefore unlikely to be able to muster any kind of European run without seriously compromising our league position. A sound example of this would be Villa themselves who sacrificed the UEFA Cup in pursuit of the Champions League this year, only to find themselves shunted aside by the bigger boys at the end of the season. Still, if you will concede goals to Diego Tristan you can't complain too much.

3. Diego Tristan Sighting!

With only a few minutes remaining of this match Kieron Dyer attempted a volley from the edge of the box. Perhaps stunned by the sight of a non incubated Dyer, the Villa defence didn't mark the remains of Diego Tristan who was able to cleverly redirect the shot into the net using just his head and a Faustian pact.

I have no doubt that prolonged exposure to Diego Tristan is likely to be curtains for my respiratory system, and the death knell for our European ambitions, but I suppose that in the context of our current injury crisis he's doing a fairly passable job in the circumstances. That said, I'm still pretty sure that he only exists to make me think that David di Michele isn't that bad.

4. Formation Blues

I see we're still persisting with the notion of playing all of our players totally out of position. Intriguingly, I would say that Lucas Neill turned in his best performance of the year here, combining a barnstorming captains display with a prolonged bout of kicking the odious Ashley Young as well. He did all of this from central midfield, although he was switched to right back when Collins hobbled off. As far as central midfielders go Lucas Neill makes a decent full back but anyway - Bravo!

5. Them Kids

Good to see Junior Stanislas burst straight through the middle of Villa's defence early on. Less good to see him channel the spirit of Franz Carr and blaze it wide when all Newtonian Laws seemed to suggest that was fairly impossible. I like the look of Stanislas - with some seasoning and a bit more bulk I can see him as an impactful sort.

Elsewhere James Tomkins denied John Carew late in the game by scooping the ball away with his hands. My immediate thought is that the beginning of that action had to have been accidental because, frankly, what professional footballer sees a striker run through and thinks to himself "I'll just grab the ball with my hands". ? No matter how partisan you are, that would have to be a strange thought process.

Still - he definitely handled and it certainly should have been a penalty. Hurray for brazenness and poor refereeing sightlines, and don't do it again.

6. The Case For The Defence

I'd love to be able to dissect for you the Aston Villa goal, but frankly I cannot comment on a defensive alignment that I have never seen before. Namely - a set up that allowed Heskey to meander unmolested through our penalty area to score from all of 5 yards out. We resembled less a professional football team and more a random collection of electrons at that point.

Kudos to Robert Green for a marvellous save from Heskey in the second half. Of course, he might very well be of the same opinion as me, which is that if you allow Emile Heskey to score twice past you in the same game then you should kill yourself. So he would have had strong motivation.

7. I See Your Smoke, But Where Are The Mirrors?

Really and truly, what more is left to say about our management team that hasn't already been articulated elsewhere? Consider the paper thin nature of this team, and yet by the end of the game I was disappointed that we hadn't won. And this against a Villa side who have been excellent, if lucky, for much of the season.

I see that strike force and wonder how on earth we ever score a goal, I see the midfield and wonder how we don't get prosecuted under the Trades Description Act, and I look at the defence and frequently think "You're going to be busy today chaps". And yet there we are in 7th.

Look, it's not even one full season, and it's easy to be suckered in by a good start (see Roeder, G) but I can't help but admire Zola's persistence in his belief about the way we should play, and I love the discipline that is so evident in our game since Clarke's arrival. Sure, they might disappear off to Chelsea in a couple of years, but in order to get there they will have to achieve success here first. One cannot happen without the other, so I suggest ditching the petty refusal to accept Zola, and instead savour a West Ham side playing attractive football. It's been quite some time folks ...

tottenham hotspur vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 11/04/2009

2009-04-07T23:06:00.004+01:00

1. Opposition

tottenham hotspur have once again fulfilled their vast potential and justified massive financial outlay by hovering around the upper portions of the bottom half of the table.

This is obviously a temporary blip on their inevitable road to domination and next year will almost certainly be the year they break into the top 10.

They have ethically conducted their own transfer business this year whilst wielding the banner of financial scruples in their principled hounding of those who fall below their own high standards.

In reality, they remain an affront to all decency.

2. Form And Function

It took the dross of Sam Allardyce’s Blackburn Rovers to put an end to tottenham’s good run of recent results.

A drubbing of Middlesbrough, a win at Villa Park and a surprise defeat of Chelsea helped Spurs claim 13 points from a possible 15 prior to last weekend and claw their way out of the relegation quagmire.

We have had a peculiar time of it, pottering along with only two defeats in thirteen, doing well enough, but with the faint, curious but undeniable whiff of missed opportunity hanging in the air - like a slice of pizza you'd been keeping under the sofa but forgot was there.

We took just six points from games against Bolton, Wigan, West Brom, Blackburn and Sunderland where a more respectable return would see us chasing Everton for 6th spot.

Given our increasing list of walking wounded and long-term absentees, Zola has done a good job, but somehow it doesn't feel as if we have been in the kind of form you would associate with our league position.

This I suppose is a good thing. If we can get a bit more solidity and confidence through our makeshift starting line-up, then our tricky run-in could still bear the fruit of European football next season.

3. Note To Self - Do More Drugs

I bloody knew it. There has been method behind Luis Boa Morte’s drug-hazed madness.

A frenetic work-rate has been born of his insatiable appetite for opioids and shrewdly scheduled hallucinogen regimen.

This happy accident coupled with Luis's belief that the round white sphere on the pitch is in fact an eightball of crack, has provided us with a mobile pharmacy that refuses to remain still for a second.

His performance against Sunderland was probably the best of his West Ham career and I'd still love to see him go ballistic if he scored. A more regular run in the side is likely what with all our injuries and if he could only remember to wear boots instead of rollerblades, he'd be even better.

4. Picture Book

GZ: 'What do you mean you've got my kids?
SD: 'Just keep the results coming, Frankie and no-one gets hurt.'

5. Over Keane

Despite what tottenham fans, Redknapp or the majority of Irish sports writers will tell you, Robbie Keane is a slightly above average player. He had his shot at the big time with Liverpool and came up embarrassingly short.

Many a Spurs fan will tell you what a quality player Keane is. I can only assume that this is the common perception as he is frequently viewed alongside Darren Bent.

6. History

It was around the time of this fixture last season that I was running out of pins to stick into my Alan Curbishley doll, the 4-0 defeat coming as it did on the back of identical drubbings at home to Chelsea and away to Liverpool.

Nothing could excuse the outcome of last season’s corresponding game, not even the sending off of Boa Morte just prior to halftime. Indeed, that could be considered an advantage, but by that stage we were already 2-0 down.

The derby at Upton Park this term was equally galling, surprisingly producing the most lacklustre performance of Zola’s reign thus far against our big local rivals, ending in a galling 2-0 defeat.

It is now fully 10 years since we left White Hart Lane with all three points. This is shameful.

In the intervening decade George W Bush has come and gone, I’ve had approximately 4,000 different jobs and reality TV has spread like the cancer which is steadily picking off its dim-witted protagonists.

(Too soon? Nah, thought not.)

It is not untrue to say that we are long overdue a performance and positive result at tottenham.

West Ham 2 - 0 Sunderland (And Other Ramblings)

2009-04-05T22:20:00.034+01:00

1. I'm All For Zola Power

Serious question : who gets the most credit for this win? Tony Carr or Gianfranco Zola?

2. Magnet Power!

Our formation for this match was devised thusly : Steve Clarke wrote down the names of the nine fit players we had available at the beginning of the day, and the two Japanese tourists who were going to play up front. He then attached these names individually to magnets. Gianfranco Zola then drew a picture of a football pitch on his fridge, and they took turns in throwing said magnets at the door.

If you believe that I am making this up, then I would like to hear from you exactly how we ended up with the players deployed in the manner they were.

To begin with, we put our right back Lucas Neill - fresh from a revitalising 3 day round trip to Australia - in a central midfield role, where his total lack of mobility wouldn't be a factor. We followed this up by playing uber utility man Jonathan Spector at, wait for it ... right back.

Not content with this, the magnet theory decreed that debutant right winger, Junior Stanislas, would be played wide on the left, whilst all round lunatic, the very left footed Luis Boa Morte was naturally set loose on the right side of midfield.

I cannot possibly complain at the result of this game, nor can I grumble too much about how we got it, but I would have to say that we seemed to get there in spite of our formation rather than because of it.

3. The Statistics

Even as I watched this game I turned to Papa Shark with the observation that Sunderland seemed to be having a high number of attempts on our goal, but without looking remotely like scoring. This proved true as the visitors managed 8 goalbound efforts to our 6, although we did manage two more goal attempts overall (18 to their 16).

Strangely, up until the opening goal, Sunderland were well on top as our paper mache midfield was repeatedly sliced open. After Stanislas had scored, however, that was the end of it and the visitors never threatened again. Although possession was split evenly enough, with a 51% share for us, there was no incisiveness about their play, and incredibly they looked less threatening than a team with di Michele and Tristan leading the line. This is inconceivable to most English football fans.

Amusingly, Tristan drew more fouls than any other player in this match despite the fact that he possesses the fluidic movement of a lampost.

4. The Opposition

Like West Brom before them, Sunderland were hoisted on their own, utterly unambitious, petard. Facing a side who aspire to be our 2nd string, they played one up front (Djibril Cisse - who may not even count as one whole striker), and waited for us to make a mistake.

Stupidly, they had ignored both the fact that the strongest part of our team at present is our defence(*) and that Kenwyne Jones is generally a one man wrecking ball against us.

Had they shown even the slightest desire to win this game they probably would have done. Led by 9 year old Grant Leadbitter, they created a number of decent situations in the first half without truly committing themselves to attacking us. When they did break through they were generally repelled by the excellent Robert Green or the even more excellent James Tomkins.

Not that I care much for Sunderland fans, but I felt pretty sorry for them in the second half as their team capitulated like an Icelandic bank. They had it coming mind - Daryl Murphy plays for them fer' crying out loud.

(*) No. 23: Sentences I thought I'd never write.

5. The Referee

I have pondered this section for some time, and the truth is that I cannot recall a single refereeing decision of any note during this game. This in itself is probably a triumph for the official who was none other than, erm, hang on, wait a minute, it's round here somewhere ... Michael Jones.

I've never heard of him. Good stuff - keep it up.

6. Youth Is Wasted On The Young

In the week the club announced that the aforementioned Tony Carr would be granted a testimonial, it was apt that two of his latest proteges were on the scoresheet here. The first goal, however, was crafted in the Mediterranean as di Michele, Tristan and Boa Morte combined beautifully to allow Stanislas a straightforward tap in for his debut goal.

I could point out that Boa Morte was breaking down his natural left side, whilst Stanislas was rushing in from his natural right side - but that would be churlish and beneath me.

Later in the second half, Tomkins rose like a condor on the breeze and headed in an unusually accurate corner from Mark Noble. At this juncture I should point out that £9m goalkeeper Craig Gordon would have saved this if he had any talent, which he doesn't. So he didn't.

7. My Youth Policy

Hey, it's not just Tony Carr who can keep producing kids. Mrs Shark gave birth to Miss Shark Junior Mk III this week which had the doubly satisfying effect of providing me with another healthy daughter as well as distracting me from our typically insipid defeat at tottenham.

I might write a review of that game if I get some time, but frankly ... would you?

Blackburn Rovers 1 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-03-23T22:52:00.036Z

1. Getting My Excuses In First

You may have noticed that The H List has been getting updated even less frequently than normal recently. We were never the hardest working writers in the galaxy, to be sure, but lately we've taken on a Titi Camaran work ethic.

I can't speak for The Beluga, who is AWOL, but I lay the blame at the feet of Mrs Shark, who is currently suffering from a severe case of pregnancy and can't quite understand my insistence on writing these columns at the expense of more pressing tasks such as scrubbing the roof tiles with a toothbrush or clearing out the loft.

By pure coincidence, I can confirm that either of these last two activities are infinitely more preferable to watching a Sam Allardyce team "play" football.

2. You Put Your Elbows In...

If there is a worse "style" of play in the known universe than that advocated by Allardyce then I am glad I have not come across it. We had to stomach years of it from Bolton, and doubtless it will be replicated at Blackburn for some time to come.

I can't quibble with the success - it took Bolton into Europe in fact, but there is such a thing as entertainment to be considered. On Saturday we outplayed Rovers for much of the first half, snatching a lead and looking reasonably secure at the back in a "minor heart surgery only" kind of way.

However, after a half time boost from Allardyce we were battered into submission during the second half literally and figuratively. As ever, Rovers were throwing themselves forward, elbows first, and it was only the courage and skill of Lucas Neill and James Tomkins that really repelled them. There was no great artistry to their attacks, but a steady stream of crosses and throw ins were dumped on our penalty area and whilst we didn't look tremendously comfortable in defence, we survived anyway.

It was during this late bombardment that I began to resurrect my opinion that David di Michele is largely theoretical in nature.

3. The Statistics

Despite the second half Blackburn resurgence, the possession was split fairly evenly at 51%: 49% in favour of the home side. This is quite probably because any time the ball spends in the air is not allocated to either side.

At this point in the review we move serenely into a literary Wonderland. Blackburn had no less than 21 shots on goal during this game but did so with all the accuracy of an Imperial Stormtrooper as they mustered just 3 on target. Between them Morten Gamst Pedersen and Jason Roberts had no fewer than 12 efforts at goal and managed not a single one on target. This is impossible. I do not know how you can be so utterly inaccurate and a professional footballer, and not be Darren Bent at the same time.

On the other hand we were positively ruthless as we managed a whopping 6 shots at goal with a whole 2 being on target. Although one did go in, so I suppose we should be lauding that 33% accuracy rate which rather dwarfs the 14% managed by the home side. Weirdly, with all this ineptitude on display, Luis Boa Morte wasn't really culpable.

4. The Opposition

I have always quite enjoyed playing Blackburn, largely because we usually tend to beat them. But then Allardyce arrived, and they reverted to playing football by numbers, percentage type crap that has its' roots in the John Beck school of management.

In an ideal world of course, one would like to see tottenham and Newcastle go down purely out of hubris, but then when you get prolonged exposure to Bolton, Stoke, Hull and Blackburn it becomes a more difficult argument.

Football in England is dull enough. A league where only 3 teams can ever win, 5 teams battle it out for the right to qualify for, and then refuse to take seriously the UEFA Cup, and the rest spend the season squirming to get to 40 points and relative "safety". Sky might tell you is the best league in the world, but watch Blackburn play Stoke and tell me you honestly think the same, before gouging out your eyes.

I suppose in these dull times we should be grateful that Neil Warnock isn't in the league. In fact, at any time I'm always grateful that Neil Warnock isn't in the league.

5. The Referee

There isn't a huge amount of refereeing that needs to be done when the ball is 20 feet up in the air. There were two major decisions to be made during this game and both had a bearing on the final result. In the first half El Hadji Diouf had a goal disallowed on the not unreasonable grounds that he was 3 yards offside. It could also have been disallowed on the equally reasonable grounds that he is a total tosspot.

Latterly, after the corpse of Kieron Dyer was exhumed and sent on for a late limp around, he was bundled to the ground by Christopher Samba in the box. It looked like a penalty to me, although it's entirely possible that referee Chris Foy simply felt that the sight of Dyer falling over in pain wasn't an especially noteworthy event.

Luis Boa Morte was marginally offside in the build up to our goal and Allardyce felt this was evidence of yet another global conspiracy against him. I, on the other hand, see it as irrefutable proof of the existence of God.

6. The Opposition Manager

"Big" Sam Allardyce. What beef dripping would look like if it took human form.

7. Diamonds In The Sewer

When watching tripe like this, it is always gratifying to stumble across the odd moment of excellence. Our goal when it arrived was the only such moment of luminescence in this match.

The demise of Mark Noble has been much lamented in these quarters recently, but he was excellent here and it was his determination that led to the goal. Winning the ball on the edge of our box he broke nearly 60 yards downfield before feeding the strangely positioned Boa Morte. He in turn found Tristan, who took a brief break from being utterly ineffective and fed the onrushing Noble, who bent the ball in to the far corner with the outside of his foot.

It was a beautifully fashioned goal, and symptomatic of the type of stuff that Zola has been encouraging us to play. Noble, particularly, should have blossomed much more under Zola than he has done up to this point and a goal like this could well be the turning point in his development. Although, it could also be evidence that Paul Robinson is a gelatinous slug with no lateral movement - you can never tell.

8. Whither Carlton

Blimey, we missed Carlton Cole. It's pretty miraculous that we are doing as well as we are with our squad currently constructed to account for 15 fit professionals and 5 competition winning supporters who can go on the bench if they get to the ground early enough and have their own boots.

With Cole absent we took the unusual step of playing no strikers at all and instead sent di Michele and Tristan out to perform very passable impersonations of potted plants. Ordinarily I'd be wishing Cole could return post haste, but of course in the meantime he has disappeared off to play for England and is now out for the rest of the season.

No. Good. Can . Ever. Come. Of . Our. Players. Playing. For. England. Repeat ad infinitum until someone, anyone, listens.

9. Neill Down

A further word for Lucas Neill who was immense in this game. He has come under fire for his performances lately, largely because he's been sporting the type of svelte physique that one normally associates with a darts player, but against his old side he was a man reborn.

Perhaps he's flourishing away from the full back position where he is asked to bomb forward in a way that he clearly cannot do without some sort of cardiac event taking place shortly afterward, or perhaps he was simply invigorated by the sight of Jason Roberts magic elbows. Either way - keep it up.

10. No Payne, No Gain

Josh Payne came on to make his first team debut, and had just enough time to ponder whether in fact David di Michele does exist before the full time whistle went. According to the official site he is Academy graduate number 8 to play in the first team this year - the others being Noble, Collison, Tomkins, Sears, Junior Stanislas, Zavon Hines and good ol' Kyel Reid.

Bondz N'Gala could make it 9 before the season is out, and to be honest with a name like that I doubt he will be denied.

I could argue here that the fact we are having to revert to teenagers just highlights the stupidity of stripping our squad in January, especially given the current injury bug, but actually I have decided that watching the likes of Stanislas and Payne is infinitely more preferable to Bowyer and Etherington, and substantially less likely to corrode the walls of my aorta. So hurrah for our youth movement. (Buy some more players in the summer Gianluca..)

West Ham 0 - 0 West Bromwich Albion (And Other Ramblings)

2009-03-17T22:45:00.018Z

1. Nicely Put

I asked Mrs Shark how she enjoyed this game. She replied:

"Well it was hardly a great advertisement for the Beautiful Game was it? I was bored out of my tree".

Quite.

In fact I would say that as far as football games go, this was a splendid advertisement for anyothersporteverexceptformotorracingwhichisn'treallyasportanyway.

2. A Diversion

So dull was this game that this review will be littered with references to the ludicrous Sheffield United settlement over the "Carlos Tevez affair", forced by the marvellous ability of Henry Winter and Lord Griffiths to peer into alternate realities. If only to try and keep life interesting for us all.

First of the ambulance chasers is Neil Warnock, the man who ordered his players to break opponents legs when the mood took him, and memorably tried to get a game abandoned by having his Sheffield United players feign injury after 3 had already been dismissed. Warnock is quoted today as saying "As far as I'm concerned, I should still be a Premier League manager. And I think the players have a case, too."

Number of Premiership managerial vacancies since Sheffield United's relegation: 18
Number of vacancies offered to Neil Warnock: 0

Amount Neil Warnock knows about the law: Fuck all

3. The Statistics

Meanwhile, back at the worst game in Premiership history, it behooves us to look more closely at the statistics for this game. Between them the two sides shared 20 goal attempts with just a single effort on target for each team.

This wounds me grievously because West Brom were fielding none other than Scott Carson in goal, which pretty much equates to shoving a bag of charcoal bricks between the sticks and hoping for the best.

In fact, I know what you're thinking. You're wondering just how hard it is not to score when you're playing West Brom at home. Well, we are now in a pretty select group containing just Bolton, Middlesbrough and ourselves. And anytime you're in a group with those two teams, someone somewhere is failing at their job. Dismally.

3a. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

Seriously. We couldn't score past this guy?

4. The Opposition

I have found much to admire about West Brom over the course of this season. Not their ability or results, obviously, but more their adherence to a policy of trying to play good football and not resorting to Allardycian methods purely for the sake of survival.

There wasn't any actual "good football" on display here, as they found themselves sucked into the all encompassing black hole of shittiness that we were creating, but at the very least they showed more adventure than Stoke City did. Of course, you could put 11 llamas on the pitch and they would play better football than Stoke but that's irrelevant. West Brom aren't cloggers - good for them.

In fact, the only decent chance of the game came when James Morrison (quite possibly the crappy singer - I'm still unsure) went unencumbered through our midfield and into the box, only to be thwarted by Rob Green. Yup - in 90 minutes that was the best anyone managed. Netherlands/Czech Republic '04 this was not.

West Brom did hit the bar, but as it came as a direct result of one of their players assaulting our goalkeeper I shall choose to ignore it.

5. A Diversion Again

Even better than Warnock's assertion that he should "still" (*) be a Premiership manager is the notion that Sheffield United players should now be compensated for their loss of earnings. Quite apart from the fact that our settlement with Sheffield should mean that they direct their claims at them rather than us, it does also ignore the pertinent fact that only two of that squad are currently plying their trade in the Premiership (**).

Surely if you are good enough to play Premiership football then you will be playing Premiership football. Good footballers are too hard to find to simply allow them to wallow in the Championship, and there are more Premiership squad roles than there are good footballers in England, as is evidenced by the fact that Michael Dawson has a job playing professional football.

I remain astonished at the level of avarice on display in this case. Perhaps the most incredible of all is Matthew Kilgallon (ex Hammer, ironically) who is keen to ensure that he receives his bonus for keeping the Blades in the Premiership.

Number of Sheffield Utd's 38 league games started by Matt Kilgallon: 7
Number of these to result in a win: 1

Yessir - give that man a bonus.

(*) You know, this is the logic that says if I live in a stable then I am a horse.
(**) Well, one plays in the Premiership and the other isn't good enough to play for Stoke. Make of that what you will.

6. The Young Ones

It was nice to see Junior Stanislas finally getting the chance to perform the role of the traditional number 46. Which is to say wide on the left and taking appalling corners.

All stupidity aside, this was an encouraging debut from the youngster, even he was curiously deployed in a left wing role when he is so obviously right footed. I remain unconvinced as to the validity of a squad system that appears to view unproven youngsters as adequate replacements for first team players, but given the emergence of Collison and Tomkins over this season then I guess I cannot be too critical.

Elsewhere, Freddie Sears was probably as effective as I've seen him since our trip to Middlesbrough last year. Sadly, this still didn't equate to a huge deal of effectiveness in the grand scheme of things, although it has to be said that having di Michele alongside didn't help much.

I am slightly bemused that Sears hasn't been sent on loan to a lower league side to better determine exactly what we have with him. Our history is littered with the likes of Danny Shipp and Gary Alexander who scored shedloads of goals for the reserves and ended up never playing a game of note for the first team. I can't really say that I think Sears is the next Jermain Defoe, but I would like to see him spend a couple of months getting kicked about in Scunthorpe to make a decision one way or the other.

7. Splutter

My favourite Neil Warnock quote ever. When asked if he had a vendetta against West Ham:

"Not at all. I'd love the chance to manage them one day"

If you managed to read that without blaspheming then you are a better person than me.

8. Au Revoir

Seriously, this game is not worthy of further analysis. Against an opponent with even a modicum of ambition then we would have lost. Be gone from my memory...

Wigan Athletic 0 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-03-10T16:48:00.031Z

1. Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I'll Go Mine)

The title of this section really relates to Carlton Cole and the rest of the team.

It could also be about the upper and lower halves of Scott Parker's body after Lee Cattermole kindly attempted to separate them from one another.

2. Not Dark Yet

I'm not going to begin this review anywhere other than with our goal. Because we don't score goals like that very often. In fact not many teams score goals like that too often.

The move began deep in our half with Tomkins and Ilunga combining to find Parker, who was taking a brief break from kicking the shit out of Michael Brown. His resultant pass was beautifully worked by Noble and di Michele to free Cole, who in turn swept it past Kirkland from a tight angle, with all the panache that befits an England centre forward. (Phrases I never thought I'd type - Vol 23)

The goal featured a precision of pass, and fluidity of movement that was so obviously lacking under Curbishley, but has been joyously restored under Zola. Had Arsenal put together a move like this, I'm pretty sure that we'd be forced to watch it endlessly whilst various BBC pundits tripped over themselves to hail it as The Greatest Goal. Ever.

Of course, if Arsenal had put that move together it would have featured two more superfluous passes, and Nicklas Bendtner hitting the post from 3 yards out.

Anyway, enough mocking the defenceless. We haven't passed the ball this well since, ooh, we did this to Chelsea (you should zero in on 5:11 if you want instant gratification).

3. Simple Twist Of Fate

This was another in a curious series of games where the statistics don't quite tell the whole story, or indeed even give you much insight at all into proceedings. At half time we had had 58% of the ball, and were absolutely hammering Wigan. Cole had got himself sent off, but mercifully Cattermole attempted a revolutionary "Shearing" procedure on Parker's abdomen and the game subsequently drifted into a vast void of nothingness.

By the end, we had possession for 48%, and managed just 3 shots on goal. By contrast Wigan mustered 5 but none of any particular note. And no, the game was not more exciting than it sounded. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't as bad as having to sit through an episode of Mistresses on BBC1, but it wasn't exactly enjoyable.

Elsewhere, we committed only 11 fouls all game but somehow managed to pick up 6 yellow cards, which suggests that we were either producing a higher class of foul or that the refereeing was on the questionable side of peculiar. This is a subject we'll be touching on later, so pay attention at the back.

4. Going, Going Gone

If you are playing for a team that is getting beaten, is being outplayed and then gets a chance to get back into the game when the opposition have a man sent off, I'm pretty sure that the one thing you absolutely should not do is get a red card yourself.

I shudder to think of the earful Lee Cattermole got from Steve Bruce after his dismissal, but if I could judge it based on the look he gave him it might very well have consisted of a .22 bullet and a baseball bat. Cattermole, who seems to be a cage fighter trapped in a footballers body, was clearly incensed at having been on the end of a nasty shoeing from Lucas Neill but it doesn't excuse his ludicrous lunge at Parker.

With him went Wigan's numerical advantage and thus their chance of getting back into the game. As far as footballing skills go, Cattermole makes a pretty good bouncer, but he was a warm body and when it reverted back to ten apiece the game drifted to an inevitable conclusion.

5. North Country Blues

On the face of it, there isn't a huge amount to like about Wigan. Their stadium is situated in the seventh circle of Hell, they are owned by a convicted price fixer, their fans have rigor mortis, they pay Michael Brown actual legal tender to play football and once upon a time they sided with Sheffield United on "principle". It's a Mos Eisley for football fans (and a mental high five for anyone who gets that reference - meet me at Bespin for a beer).

All that being said, they have been a pleasant surprise in Premiership terms this year as their random collection of exotic imports and thugs have greatly out performed more celebrated (and more expensively assembled) competitors, to establish themselves as a top ten outfit. They have done so whilst playing a semi reasonable brand of football, even if they descended right along with us into a shit kicking fest during this game.

6. My Back Pages

The focus of the media coverage of this game was referee Stuart Atwell, who is 26 and incompetent according to several sage observers. "He lacks experience" they scream, because the older referees in the Premier League are so stunningly good that this point cannot be argued.
Of course, there is no denying that Atwell was appalling in this game. Cole barely deserved a single booking for his two challenges, whilst Parker and Neill both could have gone for questionable fouls themselves. He was clearly influenced by Michael Brown in sending off Cole, which is ludicrous because everyone knows that Brown was an apprentice at Sheffield United under Colin Wanker and is therefore Evil Incarnate.

But really was Atwell really that much worse than what we usually see? If he was 43 nobody would have batted an eyelid at his performance. Indeed it is ironic that football managers who so readily repeat platitudes like "if he's good enough he is old enough" in respect of their own players, are so keen to lambast a younger referee when he is inept.

Look, I'm not suggesting that a referee who awards a goal when the ball goes out for a corner is the brightest star in the officiating galaxy, but the people who were primarily to blame for the descent into madness during this game were Messrs Parker, Cattermole, Neill and Brown, and not the poor sap in the middle left to try and sort it all out.

7. The Times They Are A Changin'

Jack Collison was the latest addition to the West Ham wing at Queens Hospital as he managed to dislocate his kneecap whilst chesting the ball down. This feat of injury japery was greatly admired by Kieron Dyer and Dean Ashton who are busy working on their own retorts.

He joins Valon Behrami on the longish term injury list, and will be sorely missed over the next few weeks, especially by my fathers cardiac specialist given that his replacement is likely to be Luis Boa Morte.

No need to worry though. Remember that January fire sale when we got rid of loads of players so we had a nice small squad to work with? Well that's paying dividends now as we were able to put a substitutes bench together here with an average age of 20 amongst the outfield players.

Now I'm not against a youth movement, but our squad looks woefully thin for a run in where we are trying to secure a 7th place finish that would likely give us entry into the UEFA Europa Money Spinning But Not Like The Champions League League.

8. Tears Of Rage

Apropos of not very much at all, but Scott Parker got really angry as Cole was being sent off and his shaven head could be seen screaming at Michael Brown immediately after.

The news here is not that Michael Brown is a tosspot, or that Parker gets angry, but more that Parker now has a shaven head rather than the sensible side parting he has been boasting for the last few months.

9. You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

A word then for Zola and Clarke who continue to mastermind our ascent up the league despite a playing squad that has gotten smaller with each passing week. The goal scored in this game was a timely reminder of the different way that we are now playing under the new management team, and the aforementioned boy scout bench was a timely reminder of the different way in which they are now being asked to operate.

I have no idea what will happen at Chelsea this summer or if Guus Hiddink will find a way to double his roubles, but it would seem safe to say that should we continue in the same vein then it won't be long before someone comes calling for Zola and Clarke.

With the prospect of a new owner on the horizon and the Sheffield United case now apparently resolved, these are potentially exciting times ahead. Which usually means only bad things for us...

Wigan Athletic vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 04/03/2009

2009-03-03T20:33:00.009Z

1. How Long Has This Been Going on?

Having served a 3-match ban for jinxing our FA Cup run, The H List previews return just in time to pull HeadHammer Shark back from the brink of an ill-conceived war with the Netherlands.

A chronic lack of preparation and generally slapdash approach are hallmarks of this blog, so I am well equipped to leap straight back into the fray.

2. Call To Arms

My self-imposed hiatus has been partially due to the despondency at seeing ourselves revert to type and come unstuck against the likes of Bolton and ‘Boro.

Sunday’s victory and general display against Man City coupled with Craig Bellamy’s ineffectual performance and injury have reignited my appetite, though not to the extent that I am willing to do any research.

The flirtation of a return to action was sealed with a glance at the fixture list, showing that our next game is against Wigan Athletic, one of the most loathsome teams in the League and one guided by a geometrist’s nightmare with an outrageous nasal defiance of gravity.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that the forces of evil must always be met head-on by average men with ill-prepared commentary.

3. Marvels Of Medicine

Valon Behrami felt great after his oxygen treatment.

4. Opposition

Wigan Athletic.

Bank-rolled by a convicted price-fixer.

Managed by a rhinal contortionist.

Formerly willing to pay Kevin Kilbane money (actual money) as a professional footballer.

Consider it reasonable to expect visiting sides to clamber through the cratered morass of Flanders fields in the pursuit of a football.

Sold their two most effective players in Wilson Palacios and Emile Heskey during the transfer window.

Brought in Charles N’Zogbia, who graciously headed for the JJB Stadium despite self-claimed interest from AC Milan, Real Madrid and Barack Obama’s inaugural administration.

Continually praised for having an outstanding season, while we are lambasted as an affront to civility who repeatedly flout the Geneva Convention, despite being above Wigan in the league.

Have of late displayed such wastefulness in front of goal as to rival our own David Di Michele.

Their manager recently accused of war crimes (by me) having been linked with blueprints (again, by me) detailing his eerie powers as the precursor to the Death Star’s tractor beam.

Have established themselves as regular Premiership participants, in flagrant contravention of karma and the teachings of all the major religions.

Mido returns to contention after injury and is a man who ranks behind only Kevin Davies and Michael Owen in his cloying habit of scoring against us.

5. Narcoleptic News

Friday provides the latest chapter in the unending saga of our financial malaise.

Chairman Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson’s holding company, Hansa, are due in the Icelandic courts in a bid to delay the appointment of creditors and the potential administration of BG’s assets.

The Board are likely to point to our recent ascent of the League table as evidence of the need for stability for the remainder of the season.

I'm thinking of putting together a bid myself just to end the tedium. I've scraped together €4.60, half a Bounty and a dog-eared copy of Charlotte's Web.

6. History

Our record at the JJB Stadium is very good, having lost just once in six visits and emerging victorious on four occasions.

Our singular defeat came last season when none other than genetic aberration Kevin Kilbane beat Rob Green with a looping header just before halftime.

In the first game of this season, we laboured to a 2-1 win at Upton Park. Dean Ashton was briefly revived from his Malted Milk-induced coma to score twice in the first ten minutes.

We then did our utmost to throw the game away, but despite our best efforts, managed to claim all three points.

Physics-meddling fantasist, Steve Bruce said:

"Their fans will go away thinking that Wigan are a decent side."

Never!

7. Hope On The Horizon

As has been customary through the ages, we have once again stuttered when confronted with one-dimensional and lesser sides, having failed to capitalise on recent encounters with Bolton and Middlesbrough.

The next clutch of fixtures are similarly fraught with danger: Wigan, West Brom, Blackburn and Sunderland turning what is conceivably a stroll in the park into a mined ravine.

Were we to play to our potential in these games, we could finally banish the not-quite-exorcised-spectre of relegation and look forward to the potential of European competition next season.

8. The Battle For Middle Earth

Valon Behrami was worryingly stretchered off against City with what looked like a very nasty injury. He was due to miss this game through suspension anyway and Mark Noble returns from the sin-bin to stake a claim in midfield.

In the absence of the commendably committed Behrami, I will be interested to see whether Savio gets the nod ahead of Noble, who has been out of sorts recently.

Zola has spoken of his desire to relieve any pressure from the shoulders of the Ugandan-born German international as he is only 19, but if he's good enough, he's old enough and the youngster could be in line for his debut start.

A midfield of Parker, Noble, Collison and Kovac would be unlikely to maintain any threat or incisive supply and so I would like to see our record signing get at least the first 60 minutes.

7. Picture Book

Mark Hughes looks on agog as Steve Bruce marshals the mighty forces of his Angular Hooter™, compelling the flight of the ball to fulfil his evil bidding.

West Ham 1 - 0 Manchester City (And Other Ramblings)

2009-03-02T23:42:00.034Z

Apologies for the delay in the arrival of this weeks report. This was caused by a delay on the reports previous journey. Hey, if it's alright for National Rail then why not me?

1. Join My Club

The common phrase around Manchester City is "Blimey, aren't they crap considering they've spent all that money?".

Well, who wants to join me in just getting rid of those last 6 words?

2. Welcome Back!

Not sure if you noticed, but Craig Bellamy returned to just about the most tepid booing ever at Upton Park. Syd King will be turning his grave. Paul Ince and Frank Lampard hear worse when they get up in the morning.

The truth is that I really don't think people cared all that much about Bellamy. Why bother getting any kind of emotional attachment to a player who is so frequently injured, and tremendously likely to be leaving you very soon anyway? Seriously, is there a human being anywhere in the cosmos who was surprised that Bellamy acted as he did? If so, can I interest you in a friend of mine who is a Nigerian prince and wants to stick £30m in your bank account for a couple of days - I just need your account details.

It helped quite a lot that Bellamy was so peripheral, with only one moment of danger when he created a chance for Robinho that was squandered with all the alacrity of Iain Dowie in his pomp (I'm fairly certain that this is the first recorded instance of a writer comparing those two players).

I also liked the way that he positioned himself 8 inches from the touchline when he was substituted, in order to minimise the levels of vitriol coming his way. Nice - it takes a total pro to do that, and all those years of being booed at every ground in the country proved invaluable there.

3. The Statistics

This was a strange affair, and one that highlights the dangers of using statistics as anything more than a loose guide. Despite their dire performance City still dominated possession to the tune of 56%, but converted that into a solitary shot at goal.

I must confess to being slightly stunned that the visitors had so much of the ball considering that it rather felt as though they coughed it up regularly enough. I suppose that by the end they were hammering away pretty heavily, but even so it was fairly inept stuff. We managed 12 goal attempts to their 14 but 6 of ours were on target, and precisely none were taken by the Dowie clone, Robinho.

4. The Opposition

I must confess that I was quite looking forward to seeing the new shiny Man City in the flesh. For all the innate evils of the Premier League it is undeniably true that you get to see some marvellous players through the season. As such Robinho was a nice addition to the list, but the overall impression was less than favourable. As far as circus sideshows go, he was mildly diverting, but for a £30m footballer he made a pretty good clown.

Mark Hughes, a man staring down the barrel of a very large gun, was nowhere close to magnanimous in his post match interview, stating that we were defensive in our approach and blah blah blah. One, ONE, 1! shot on goal in 90 minutes? And you've got the cheek to label us as lucky?

I'm going to let him off - it can't be easy when you know you're getting sacked at seasons end, and all the while having to say nice things about your boss.

5. The Referee

I refuse to believe that football is bent. Sure, the game is morally bankrupt and those who run the professional game are self serving leeches, whose only interest is the fattening of their own wallets and those of the odious G14 who pull their strings. But all that being true, I don't think that English top flight football is rigged - why bother, in fact, when the system is already so skewed in favour of the big clubs.

All of the above being true, however, Mike Dean was woeful in this game. Not because he was paid to be, or because of a grand conspiracy against us, but because he is not a very good referee. We all have to live with it from time to time, and his incompetence was evenly spread across both teams.

There were a series of first half decisions that I believe were made using a horoscope and a coin toss. Scott Parker was booked for his first tackle, whilst Vincent Kompany was allowed to kick everything that moved for 70 minutes before finally seeing yellow.

It wasn't all one way, as there were a series of mind warping decisions that went our way in the first half too, but all in all this was a game that was officiated in an utterly strange way.

6. Cole Patrol

Our goal, when it eventually arrived, owed much to a lovely pass from Carlton Cole. The move was started by Savio, who carried on with his run, surged on to Cole's pass and struck a decent effort which Given could only parry to the onrushing Collison who finished very adroitly, all things considered.

Up against the muscular duo of Dunne and Onuha, Cole toiled manfully, even staying on at the end when he was clearly carrying an injury. A quick stint in the West Ham witch doctors tent should see him right, but it's a sign of the times that Cole's fitness now seems directly interlinked to the success of the team.

7. Green Fingers

Robert Green, buoyed by being the least worst goalkeeper on display when he turned out for England last month, continues to make some excellent saves when the need arises. As mentioned above the need arose just the once in this game, as Manchester City's free flowing revolutionary samba football didn't actually extend to anything so grand as getting any shots on target, but he did all that was required.

It will be interesting to see if he keeps his England squad place or if Capello follows his usual method of giving it to a reserve keeper at a bigger club (Ben Foster - I'm looking at you).

8. Nice To See You

Craig Bellamy signs autographs after the game. Who knew he could write?

Bolton 2 - 1 West Ham (And A Cup Exit To Shiver The Spine)

2009-02-25T10:53:00.021Z

Bolton:

1. Let's Accentuate The Positive

The good things about this game: We scored!

The bad things about this game: Everything else.

2. West Ham Kryptonite

Kevin Davies and Roy Hodgson looking as uncomfortable as two humans can possibly be after Davies joins Blackburn for £7m. No really - £7m.

Rather like the police captain from Casablanca I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Kevin Cyril Davies scored against us once more. This takes his tally to 7 in his last 7 games against us. I will continue to suggest that we buy him, simply so he can never be on the opposing side for the rest of his career. I estimate this would cost £2m (slightly up from my last suggestion of £12), or approximately 0.4 Boa Morte's.

Consider this - we all exist in a world where Kevin Davies would score 38 goals a season if he only played against West Ham.

3. The Statistics

If you're looking for crumbs of comfort from the game in which we allowed Bolton to complete the double over us, then this might be the only place you'll get some solace. Before you get there though, consider that in the post Allardycian era Wanderers had "doubled" only one team (relegated Reading) before we arrived, gift wrapped, shivering in the frozen North and displaying all the killer instinct of a bunny rabbit.

We actually had 62% of the ball per ESPN, and mustered 20 shots at goal, with 8 on target. By contrast the home side had just 11 attempts, with only 4 testing Robert Green. Tellingly, 7 of these shots were taken in the first 25 minutes, highlighting the two distinct phases of this match - the early part, where we defended like we had a nice sideline going with a Malaysian betting syndicate, and the remaining 70 minutes where we played quite well but with no cutting edge.

David di Michele and Carlton Cole had as many shots between them as the entire Bolton team, but they simply don't have the all encompassing power of Kevin Davies' elbows.

4. The Opposition

Exactly how sarcastic can I be about a team who beat us so regularly? Seriously, 5-2 over the course of the season. And 3 of the goals scored by Kevin Davies. Ay Carumba.

Credit where it's due, I respect the work ethic of a group that is so stunningly average in composition, and I certainly respect the ability of Matthew Taylor to score tremendous goals, and to do erm, well, absolutely nothing else.

But, I mean come on, here is a football team that plays ostensibly using their elbows and sharpened studs. Gary Megson referred to his sides second goal as "well worked" when, as far as I can tell the main pass was made by Johan Elmander with his back turned to the play, and more in hope than expectation. Either way, I don't rate their technical skills all that much, but they work hard and they battle for each other and it wouldn't hurt us to add a little of that to the mix.

5. The Referee

I must protest. The elbows of Kevin Davies are not a legitimate tackling aide in the game of Association Football. Steve Tanner appears to disagree with me.

6. A Noble Quest

At 2 down in the first half we had a great chance to get back into the match when Mark Noble was sent through on goal with nary a defender in sight.

As he appeared to hit a patch of quicksand, he decided to forget the notion of scoring and instead attempted a pass to Jack Collison, who was several yards offside at that point, and also marked by a defender. If it is possible to peer into the mind of another human and see exactly how much confidence they have, then I believe that Noble is running on empty. In the current system, with no wingers and no flair players, Noble is all important, and right now he seems to be labouring badly.

I swear it's the lack of high fives.

7. Welcome Back

Whilst all around him were playing like drains, Scott Parker took a firm hold on this game and nearly single handedly dragged us back into it. It was his goal, nicely created by Jonathan Spector after a granite like first touch from Carlton Cole, that signalled our revival, and he was absolutely clattered in the build up to David di Michele's late miss and probably should have had a penalty.

For a couple of years I've been wondering exactly why we paid £6.5m for Parker, and this game gave a nice glimpse as to what we may have been thinking. Perhaps he is fitter these days, perhaps he has a better understanding of what is required of him, perhaps he's had his legs sorted so that he no longer wheels around incessantly, but there is little doubt that he has been our best player for quite a while now.

8. A Brief Interlude

I won't attempt to describe David di Michele's goal attempts in too much depth, as I'm not sure that the English language has the requisite words.

Suffice to say that if you missed his first half exercise in squanderosity, then believe me when I say that it was less an attempt on goal and more a full scale challenge to the laws of physics.

Middlesbrough:

I can't write a review of this game. 4,000 West Ham fans went North in pursuit of life, love and happiness and instead came back shell shocked as Middlesbrough (Middlesbrough!) outplayed us to pick up their first win over a Premiership team in 15 games.

One observation about both this game and the Bolton match that seems to be relevant is that once our initial approach wears off we don't appear to have a back up plan. Both games were similar in that we found ourselves 2-0 down before I'd even had a chance to slag off Stewart Downing, and yet a closer assessment tells us something quite interesting.

In both games the opposition scored a tremendous free kick, and then followed up by capitalising on some truly egregious defending to score a second. The first type of goal is a fact of life at this level, and at times you have to shrug your shoulders and get on with things.

The second goals, however, were an example of how teams such as these score - get the ball forward and put pressure on the opposition back four. The crucial part of this is that it doesn't require an awful lot to go right other than a long punt and a bit of pressure. Sure, against better teams it will fail more often than not, but then it's not really unfair to suggest that Bolton and Boro fail more often than not against better teams.

Contrasting with that is our new approach, whereby we are attempting quick, short passing from anywhere on the pitch. I'm not upset at this, by the way, but my point is that a lot more people have to do something right for it to work. Therefore, on collective off days, like the one at Boro, we can look utterly impotent.

None of this is to suggest that we don't score crappy goals ourselves, or that we are the second coming of the Magical Magyars, but without a Di Canio or a Joe Cole type, it does mean that we require a collective piece of inspiration rather than individual...

Some (More) Shameless Begging

2009-02-17T10:15:00.011Z

So, we have been nominated for a couple of awards (because we asked you all to nominate us) and God willing we may even match the whopping 3% of the vote that we mustered for the 2008 Soccerlens awards.

Should you feel that way inclined you may vote for us in the "Best Blog" or "Best Writer" categories. Both myself and The Boleyn Beluga are nominated which will doubtlessly cause you hours of agonising, but I'm sure you'll get over it.

Unlike the 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards (we came 196th), this does not require a 3 hour vetting process to be able to vote. Simply click HERE and then HERE.

I honestly think if all 12 of our readers vote we can definitely crack the top 100...

West Ham 1 - 1 Middlesbrough (And Other Ramblings)

2009-02-16T13:34:00.020Z

1. The Magic Of The Cup

Hey, English football is the best in the world!*

*Unless you have to play Middlesbrough four times a season. Which is simply cruel and unusual punishment, and probably against the Geneva convention.

2. The Boy Done Good(ish)

How good was this match? Well, if I were to tell you that Stewart Downing was the best player on the pitch by some considerable distance, it should give you some insight as to the technical ability on display. Consider that Downing's skill set extends to having a left foot and being able to breathe without a ventilator, and it becomes easier to visualise just how awful everyone else was on Saturday.

Perhaps at the end of the season we will look back on this game and pinpoint Ilunga's goal as a turning point, but with a tricky replay quickly followed by a prospective quarter final at Everton you would have to say that this was a great opportunity blown.

3. The Statistics

The longer this game went on, the more it felt like a truly typical West Ham cup game. As in, we were screwing it up royally. It felt like we should be winning and yet everything bar the possession statistics showed this to be a pretty even contest, with both teams having 14 shots, of which 8 were on target.

On another day Afonso Alves might have scored a hat trick, although that other day would have to be one whereby Afonso Alves sold his soul in exchange for some footballing talent. (At this point I would ordinarily comment that paying £12m for a guy who had only previously scored goals in Holland was a monumentally stupid idea, but I slagged off Edwin van der Sar last week and got called a racist so I won't go there for fear of being hauled to Nuremberg). Of Boro's 14 efforts he had precisely half, and none of them were even half precise.

Even more distressing was the fact that per the ESPN Gamecast we had some 60% of the ball, but were distinctly unable to do much with it bar a 5 minute period before half time that culminated with Jack Collison paying homage to Alves and blazing the ball over from all of 3 yards out.

And while we're not on the subject, allowing Stewart Downing to score against them has literally been an impossible task for every other fucking team who have played against Middlesbrough this year.

4. The Opposition

Regular readers of this column will know that Middlesbrough are regular winners of our annual "Worst Opposition Team" award, and indeed very comfortable winners at that. Now this season may be a bit more difficult to predict as they would pretty much need to set fire to the stadium to wrestle the title away from current hot favourites Stoke City, but I have every faith in their enduring shittiness.

However, in the end they actually played reasonably well in this fixture and on another more Faustian day, Alves may have won the game for them.

Gareth Southgate's tactics were pretty sensible, as he flooded the midfield, played narrowly and dared us to use the forgotten wings of Upton Park. In turn, Downing was drifting around and causing us lots of problems, assisted ably by the lack of impact from our Behramiless midfield.

I'm not going to compare us to Arsenal for a minute, but it's interesting that this is more or less the same tactic that we used to subdue them at The Emirates. Now, clearly we aren't in their league (figuratively) but if we continue our recent renaissance I suppose we might see a few more teams adopt this kind of approach at our place. Alternatively, we could make a vow never to be this execrable again, thereby ensuring that my eyes remain ungouged for the rest of this season.

5. The Referee

As nothing even remotely interesting happened in this game I suppose one should expect the referee to be decent. That said, I thought Peter Walton was consistent and allowed the game to flow nicely.

Congratulations Peter and have a lovely week.

6. The Case For The Defence

Neill, Collins and Upson spring into action as Stewart Downing stoops to head his goal.

I'm struggling to think of ways that we could have defended their goal any worse. Perhaps Matthew Upson could have contracted yellow fever as the cross came in, possibly Lucas Neill could have dislocated his brain attempting to clear the ball - I dunno, but it was pretty bad.

I don't think I'll attempt to describe James Collins' attempted clearance as it just hurts my fingers.

7. I Don't Want To Say I Told You So. But I Told You So

And so the worst happened. Carlton Cole, our new talisman, got himself injured and left us with the unholy trinity of Di Michele, Tristan and Sears labouring away up front.

An hour of watching these three not running rings around large plasticine statue David Wheater hasn't convinced me that our future is safe in their hands. Sure, the Club might be trumpeting the fact that Dean Ashton's corpse has been exhumed and will be ready for action again next year but this cannot possibly be enough to plug the hole in the long term, and obviously not in the short term.

I'm liking the look of Savio, but he doesn't appear to be any more of a replacement for Cole than I am.

We'll struggle through, no doubt, but I could do without Di Michele channelling Mike Newell again any time soon.

8. Simile Adventures

Is it just me or is allowing Stewart Downing to score a goal against you a bit like letting your washing machine beat you at chess?

9. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update...

...is cancelled this week because Gianfranco Zola made me feel bad. For the first time, our little bundle of goodness expressed dissatisfaction about something. This time it was the ground wide booing of Boa Morte as he left the field with an injury.

Now don't splutter your coffee everywhere, but he does have a point. I've said a few times that the notion of physically yelling out the word "Boo" at another man doesn't really seem like a sensible way to articulate anything but I suppose we have to accept that a paying customer has the right to do it. But as with the abuse of Christian Dailly a few years ago I just don't understand what it is supposed to achieve.

Sure, Boa Morte was a waste of money, but blame Curbishley for the nonsensical fee. Yes, he often appears to play games whilst wearing skis, but also acknowledge the effort he puts in.

The most common answer as to why people boo seems to be "It makes them play better..". Well, go back over the past two years and watch Boa Morte's performances and then tell me that's still true.

Of course, if you want to boo Michael Dawson, well that would be quite alright...

West Ham United vs Middlesbrough: Match Preview - FA Cup 5th Round - 14/02/2009

2009-02-12T19:59:00.006Z

1. Beaten But Unbowed

Sunday’s defeat to Man United, while not increasing our points tally, did provide us with another competent performance and no qualms about the efforts of the team, nor approach of the management.

While Rob Green had little to do, United’s quality shone through in the end and if you’re going to go down to the champions, better to succumb to their best available team and to a goal from the distinguished Scholes-Giggs axis.

We lacked the requisite cutting edge upfront to unlock a classy defence, but thankfully for us, this weekend we face permeable defenders such as Chris Riggott and Emanuel Pogatetz.

2. Opposition

This Saturday we take on the lamentable Middlesbrough in the 5th round of the FA Cup. A home tie against this paltry bunch provides us with a great opportunity to progress to the Quarter-Finals and from there, who knows?

At the start of the season, ‘Boro boss Gareth Southgate assured fans that he would implement a more attacking style in a bid to entertain the dozen or so die-hards who bother to turn up at The Riverside each week.

This policy is obviously an abject failure and the brevity of its application before being ousted in favour of survival-at-all-(aesthetic)costs, a damning indictment on this pox of a team. Middlesbrough remain as tedious as ever and are long overdue a visit to The Championship.

While one can applaud Southgate’s intentions, the quality to realise his dream has been lacking from Teeside for some time. Not since Juninho has there been a genuinely exciting player at The Riverside, and how long ago was that?

(In answer, initially in 1995 and again in 2002.)

‘Boro are on a nightmarish run of late, having won just two of their last 15 matches in all competitions, and both of those coming in the FA Cup against lower league opposition (Barrow and Wolves).

A stunted if sensible budget is one hurdle to the acquisition of real quality, as is the tricky task of selling Middlesbrough as both a club and somewhere to live, but Gareth Southgate’s comical hindrance of a nose to (a) conversation, (b) self-composure and (c) the canteen, must also prove a stumbling block.

Middlesbrough improved against Man City last week and to presume victory is to set ourselves up for a fall. They'll view this game as a great opportunity to kick-start the battle to avoid relegation, but we've got to fancy our chances.

Elsewhere, Stewart Downing is hugely overrated, having accrued one performance of note in his career to date during a recent outing for England in Germany. There hasn’t been a bigger left-sided disappointment since Josef Stalin.

3. History

We did of course beat Middlesbrough in the semi final in 2006, en route to the Millennium Stadium after Marlon Harewood battered in a 2nd half winner, so you can read good omens into that should you wish.

I watched that game on a giant screen in a Sydney casino in the small hours, surrounded by huge stacks of chips - potato chips, obviously.

It is interesting to note that Middlesbrough have gone out of the Cup to the eventual runners-up in each of the last four years, which I can’t decide is a good or a bad thing.

4. True Story

I googled 'Gareth Southgate's nose' and this came up:

You've gotta love the internet.

5. Roman Had His Phil

The week’s big headlines constituted the sacking of Big Phil Scolari from Chelsea, making it three managers in a year for the west London club.

As the news was announced, immediate efforts were made to unsettle our own management team as Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clarke were installed as favourites to take over at Stamford Bridge.

More plausible targets Frank Rijkaard and Guus Hiddink later emerged on the back pages and Hiddink has now taken over until the end of this season whilst maintaining control of the Russian national side.

In their ruthless pursuit of success, Chelsea have turned their manager’s seat into something of a poisoned chalice. Jose Mourinho’s taste for a hefty pay-off prevented him leaving sooner, but the writing was on the wall once Avram Grant was appointed as Director of Football and Andrei Shevchenko arrived at the behest of the owner and not the manager.

Avram Grant was only ever a stop-gap and found it hard to divide his time effectively between Stamford Bridge and Toad Hall, but the shedding of Scolari, a proven winner, is a surprise to many. Any portrayal of Scolari as unfit for the job or somehow out of his depth is laughable.

This move has acted to expose Chelsea for what they really are – a billionaire’s plaything and no more. Intermittent success has come at the expense of soul and credibility and any manager eyeing a move to the Bridge knows that all their decisions are subject to approval from the very top.

Ask Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger, Carlo Ancelotti, Barry Fry or ‘Jossy’ Blair of the Glipton Giants, and they will all tell you that continuity is key in management.

Roman Ambramovich’s impatience for success cuts through reason like a Siberian gale, stripping away the façade that Chelsea are a competently run football club. And I love it.

6. Cup Contenders

At the risk of putting the kibosh on Saturday afternoon, I sense a great opportunity this season for a memorable Cup run.

Having already gracefully pirouetted potential banana skins Barnsley at home and Hartlepool United away, ‘Boro provide our first debatably top-flight test.

With Man United sure to put the FA Cup behind the Premiership and Champions League on their list of priorities and Chelsea’s proclivity for self-harm increasing by the day, the remaining contenders are all beatable in a one-off encounter.

Once you reach the Quarter-Finals, anything is possible and with this year’s semis being (contentiously) held at Wembley, a day out at the national stadium is a realistic prospect for us all.

7. Internazionale

Wednesday night saw England travel to Spain for an international friendly, losing 2-0 to the European Champions.

A goal in either half proved England’s undoing, a game notable for Carlton Cole’s international debut as he came on in the second half.

Cole came closest for England, having an effort cleared off the line, and Robert Green and Matthew Upson both made 2nd half appearances in a raft of halftime changes by Fabio Capello.

Essentially this game served as a timely reminder that England are some way from the upper reaches of international football, as the diminutive but technically superior Spaniards toyed with us for much of the match.

This fixture also saw David Beckham equal Bobby Moore’s record for international caps won by an outfield player, with 108.

Before anyone rides the wave of celebrity to an illogical conclusion, the inflexible, cold statistics tell us that Bobby Moore started and finished all 108 of his England appearances, whereas Beckham has started 99 and completed just 54 full matches.

Anyone who tells you that Beckham now holds a rightful place alongside Moore in football’s pantheon is the type of person who gets their political insight from Heat Magazine.

8. Squad Formation

Zola seems to have settled on his favoured starting line-up, naming the same 11 players for our last four games.

Rob Green is showing he is the ‘keeper we’ve been harping on about for so long and Collins and Upson have formed what could be considered the best centre-back pairing in the league behind Ferdinand and Vidic.

They make an effective unit – Green solid and reliable (bar Bolton), Upson an astute defender, competent on the deck and Collins willing to hurl himself at most anything. Both central defenders are dominant in the air and the only thing lacking from them is their share of goals.

Scott Parker has been our best player in recent weeks and is showing the consistency that seemed so elusive in his first year at the club. Behrami’s work-rate demands a place in the side.

Young-guns Jack Collison and Mark Noble have taken the opportunity to cement their first team credentials, although Mark Noble needs to push on if he is to fulfil his early promise.

Upfront, Carlton Cole makes a passable impression that he is at least partially aware of his surroundings and David Di Michele has learnt how to put in the graft and make himself available. Both have provided a decent return on goals scored this season and one hopes that the mantle which now rests largely on their shoulders does not prove too heavy.

9. Sub-Standard

Savio has had a panoramic introduction to Premiership life, starting as he did with our domination of Hull City, then coming on at the Emirates and at home to Man Utd.

While making a competent if unspectacular start and with it being too early to make any informed judgement on our £9million investment, the young attacker still has to adjust to the pace of the Premier League.

That he was tracked and dispossessed by Dimitar Berbatov on Sunday speaks for itself. This is English top-flight football, not Italian 2nd division – no time to pause for a cappuccino and change of government here.

10. Ashton's Ankle Odyssey

Yet another operation on Dean Ashton's ankle is reported to have gone well, with the striker touted as making a return some time in the 23rd century.

West Ham's medical team are doing everything they can to aid Dean's recovery and the big striker has swelled the ranks of experts, appointing his own personal fitness guru.

West Ham 0 - 1 Manchester United (And Other Ramblings)

2009-02-09T22:17:00.021Z

1. Getting Tickled To Death By A Scorpion

If you had said to me that the chance for us to gain any points from this game would be dependent upon Ryan Giggs' ability to hit a right foot shot past Robert Green from the edge of our box - well, I probably would have taken those odds.

The man has now scored for the 17th consecutive Premier League season which makes me feel old and I'm only 30. Which is pretty young. A-hem.

All the above being true, Ryan Giggs last scored with his right foot when we had a Conservative government. And now my spleen hurts.

2. Department Of Silver Linings

I am much more interested in Premiership points than silver linings, but one tends to try and seek out the latter when the former are elusive.

It is a decent measure of our progress, that there were prevalent feelings of dissatisfaction around the Boleyn at this result. A draw wouldn't have been a terribly unfair outcome, but in the end a narrow, fortuitous victory for the visitors was probably about right.

Truthfully, I was actually a little disappointed with our performance, as we lacked the attacking threat required to trouble a defence as good as this one. Much like our trip to The Emirates, we were defensively impressive, but we lack the cutting edge required to slice open very well organised sides. Di Michele is fine against the likes of Hull and Stoke, but here against Vidic and Rio he looked like a little boy trying to keep up with his big brothers.

Cole was hard working and could have scored in the first half, but it's hard not to be concerned about this being the possible end of his purple patch. Still, Dyer and Ashton are - *thud* (head slams against desk - loses will to type any more).

3. The Statistics

Per the ever trusty ESPN GameCast this was a closely contested match, albeit one where the visitors had a clear edge. According to them we had 47% of the ball, whilst United had 54%, which is impressive both literally and mathematically.

Strangely both sides mustered just three attempts on goal despite having no fewer than 34 goal efforts between them. Somewhat worryingly, our most potent attacking threat was Lucas Neill who displayed surprisingly attacking intent considering that he was supposed to be marking Cristiano Ronaldo at the time. However, such was the excellent double up job done by Behrami and Neill that he wasn't actually required to do all that much defending, and by the end I think you could actually spot a tear trickling down the Portugeezers face.

Elsewhere Dimitar Berbatov had one shot at goal. Man, he is one lazy bastard.

4. This Interruption Is Sponsored By The Department Of Incredulity

So I'm writing this as I watch England's midnight adventures in Seville. When I see this...

Phil Jagielka. Starting for England? Seriously, was there a radio phone competition that I missed? Could I have entered and got myself an England cap? Holy Moly - and people were moaning about Carlton Cole getting a game.

5. The Opposition

It's really not all that earth shattering, but Manchester United are quite good. Even without Rooney and Dimitar Berbatov's cognitive functions they still managed to win this game at a bit of a canter, relying on their awesome defence to prevent anything very much exciting happening in the last third of the pitch.

Nemanja Vidic seems likely to win the Player of the Year award (Fergie has decreed it, so it will definitely happen), which would really be a testimony to his ability to commit hundreds of fouls without punishment. I'm not saying he's not a worthy recipient, but blimey, he does like a body check or seven.

Elsewhere, Carlos Tevez looks like he needs to come home which, considering he is from the slums of Buenos Aires, means Chigwell - obviously.

6. The Referee

Gave them everything. His only blemish was not awarding a penalty to Ronaldo in the closing minutes, quite possibly because it wasn't the box, or maybe even because Ronaldo fell over like he was in anaphylactic shock.

This is not to say that the refereeing had a tangible effect on the outcome of this game, because I refuse to accept that the only difference between us and Manchester United is interpretation of the laws, but I think it a lot easier to win titles when the vast majority of decisions go your way.

There is a counter argument here that says better teams will always get more free kicks because their players are more likely to be fouled due to their superior skill and greater possession. But you won't find that kind of logic on this blog my friend so let's just skip right along.

7. Department Of Incredulity Redux

Phil Jagielka just gave the ball away, before corkscrewing himself in to the ground as David Villa took the mickey out of him for Spain's opening goal.

The only way the lad could be more out of his depth would be if he were wrapped in lead and dumped off Blackfriars Bridge into the Thames.

8. Cole Patrol

I do have a slight bone to pick with Carlton about this match. He had our best, and arguably only, chance when he ran through on to a Noble through ball, and for reasons that escape me decided to try and chip Edwin van der Sar from a fairly acute angle.

Now van der Sar always struck me as a bit of an arrogant schmuck but there is no denying that he is extremely tall. And I mean "bangs his head on chandeliers" tall. The guy is way over six foot, and pretty decent too.

So why would you try and chip him? I appreciate the confidence that Cole has now, and I like the hard work he has clearly done to turn things around, but that wasn't the wisest choice he'll ever make.

9. A Noble View

I am perplexed at the demise of Mark Noble. Two seasons ago he was instrumental in keeping us up, as he displayed the best form of his life alongside Reo-Coker and Tevez. Now, in an advanced position ahead of the continuously excellent Scott Parker he is beginning to look like a lost child.

He is doubtless a very neat and tidy technical player, and his commitment can never be faulted but whilst our midfield has been garnering widespread acclaim, there can be little argument that Noble hasn't been at his best. I'm not sure if it's the positional switch, or impending fatherhood (his girlfriend will be in the "nesting" stage now which is heavy on both the back and the wallet).

There has also been a proportional drop in the number of high fives being thrown around, which probably explains a lot.

Still, it's a bit of a mystery that the player who most closely resembles Zola as a player is the one who appears to be benefitting least from his coaching, whilst the player who is like Zola in the same way that I am like a watering can (Carlton Cole) simply cannot stop improving. Ho hum.

10. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update

Sadly Luis was kept off the pitch on Sunday, probably by virtue of the Trades Description Act, so instead here is a picture of Lucas Neill in the middle of a sandwich.

Gone on, admit it. There is quite a large part of you wondering just what in the holy hell is going on in this photograph...

West Ham United vs Manchester United: Match Preview - 08/02/2009

2009-02-05T19:43:00.007Z

1. Opposition

Let’s face it, Manchester United are formidable and likely to be the best team we face this year. They are the most well-equipped outfit in the league and seemingly nailed-on for the title.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson continues to strengthen and we are continually taunted as former-Hammers contribute meaningfully, with Rio Ferdinand established as captain and Michael Carrick outstanding in recent weeks.

The acquisition of Dimitar Berbatov from tottenham in the summer has proven to be another good piece of business, with the new Number 9 among the goals and showing why he is in that exclusive £30million bracket.

Earlier this season Berbatov made James Collins look as redundant as Sol Campbell's girlfriend in setting up United’s second goal during their 2-0 win at Old Trafford, and it would be good to see our in-form Welshman give the lithe Bulgarian a clump early doors.

I could go on about United’s wealth of resources, the resurgence of forever-young Ryan Giggs, Ronaldo’s 14-goals this season, the impenetrable Ferdinand-Vidic axis, the shrewd football of Paul Scholes, the emerging defensive Fabio twins, their ridiculous subs bench, the fact that Rooney, Ronaldo, Berbatov and Tevez have already scored 10 more goals between them this season than our entire squad, and on and on and on… but I don’t want you to get too down before kick-off.

Go on, cheer yourselves up with this:

2.January Sale

Calum Davenport got his move to Sunderland on loan until the end of the season, and the predicted ‘2-for-1’ offers on all West Ham staff never came to fruition.

As the curtain comes down on this particular window, I think we can be generally satisfied with the business conducted. The Board and management have successfully rebuffed offers for the players we want to keep whilst trimming the squad and wage bill as was necessary.

As most of the departures were Curbishley signings, they were likely all big earners and the exit of a few enabled us to substitute quantity for quality (Craig Bellamy notwithstanding, but we can get back to hating him now) with a couple of new arrivals.

tottenham continued their revolving door policy by re-signing Robbie Keane after his disastrous six months at Liverpool and Andrei Arshavin’s proposed move to Arsenal finally went through about 10 minutes ago, meaning both players will be eligible for Sunday’s north London derby, the appetiser to our match.

Wigan are sure to put Charles Insomnia to sleep with their brand of football and Manchester City further depleted Newcastle’s squad by taking Shay Given off their hands whilst sending disappointing Brazilian striker Jo on loan to Everton.

Long-time Mark Hughes target Roque Santa Cruz remained at Blackburn, unable to move whilst entranced by Sam Allardyce’s flabby jowls.

At least now we can rest in the knowledge that the remaining squad members want to play for us and won't be angling for a move any time soon.

3. Sur-Real Madrid

Undoubtedly the most bizarre piece of business in January was the loan signing of Julien Faubert by Spanish aristocrats, Real Madrid.

The strangest thing about this deal is not even that Real decided to relieve us of Faubert’s inability to cross the ball (which in itself is astounding), but that they were willing to pay us £1.5million for the privilege.

The ‘galacticos’ experiment which brought so many luminaries to the Bernabeu at the turn of the century must now seem as distant to Real fans as the stars themselves. Julien may well be better suited to the slower pace of La Liga and go on to prove himself a competent international, but it's a hell of a drop from Figo to Faubert.

Juande Ramos’ exposure to tottenham’s chronically unrealistic expectations has obviously had an effect on his cerebral capacity.

4. History

Last year’s corresponding fixture was arguably the highlight of the season.

Firstly, it saw the return to Upton Park of Pope Carlos Tevez. The little Argentine rightfully receiving a fantastic reception and appearing so taken aback by his welcome that it threw him off his game.

Secondly, we got to see some great football from United in the first half, culminating in Cristiano Ronaldo’s opening headed goal, an incisive and high speed counter attack with all the hallmarks of Manchester United at their free-flowing best.

Early in the second half, things began to turn in our favour as Ronaldo conspired to thrash his penalty wide of the post, spurning the chance to put the game beyond us. From then on, West Ham came increasingly to the fore, particularly with the introduction of King John Paintsil, who gave us a marauding quality fuelled by his enthusiastic abandon.

This was Paintsil’s finest moment in a West Ham shirt bar kicking Reo-Coker all over the pitch on the last day of last season, as his rabid gusto won us both the free-kick and corner from which Anton Ferdinand equalised and Matthew Upson got the winner.

Traditionally, we tend to do quite well against Man U at Upton Park and often make a good fist of it, despite us having dropped more Premiership points to United than any other team.

As we are currently the two form teams in the league and with both sides traditionally having an emphasis on attack, this game has the ingredients of an entertaining afternoon.

5. Master And Apprentice

Sunday will see our own young pretender, Gianfranco Zola, pit himself against the game’s elder statesman in Sir Alex Ferguson.

Ferguson is the one constant at the top of the Premier League since its inception, continually challenging for honours while others suffer a malaise (Wenger), get sacked (Mourinho) or go mental (Keegan).

Zola’s style and tactics have borne fruit these last few weeks and Steve Clarke’s contribution is there for all to see in much-improved defensive cohesion.

However, substitutions are one area where I have found our popular little Italian monkey a little underwhelming thus far. While his preparation and tactics are generally good, I am yet to see him make an inventive or inspired substitution in his four months at the helm.

While it’s obvious that Franco doesn’t have the resources of Ferguson, the one thing lacking from his management so far would be the ability to change the game from the bench.

One would’ve thought that the sheer chaos unfurled from Boa Morte’s curious choice of footwear would have an effect, but the Portuguese pill-popper is disappointingly yet to respond to my media campaign.

6. Case For The Defence

Traditionally, Man Utd are all about scoring goals, but more recently it has been their defensive efforts which have caught the eye.

A new Premiership record of 12 consecutive clean sheets has enabled them to grind out eight 1-0 wins this season.

Despite all these ominous statistics and United’s form, I still fancy us to score on Sunday. A ridiculous declaration given our attacking impotence against Arsenal, but if Katie ‘Jordan’ Price can become a best-selling novelist, then I’m willing to believe that anything is possible.

As for ourselves, whereas we were disappointing in our use of the ball at The Emirates, defensively we were sound. For all their possession, Arsenal fashioned only a couple of genuine chances and were routinely denied possession when they got down the business end of the pitch.

Collins and Upson were exceptional in their steadfastness whereas Parker and Behrami’s continual harassment of the opposition was excellent. It will take a similar effort on Sunday to compete with the Champions, but hopefully with a bit more attacking continuity thrown in.

7. Picture Book

Lucas Neill thinks, 'I hope he scores on Sunday so I can have a nibble on those shoulders. Note to self: remember the Tartare Sauce.'

8. The Govan-er

Unfortunately we are unlikely to see a re-enactment of 'Pardew vs Wenger' on the sidelines this weekend. Alex Ferguson should keep his fiery touchline temper in check as everyone’s favourite Sardinian simian is just too damn nice to argue with.

The Scot does seem to enjoy a red-faced barney with Wenger, Moyes, Hughes, linesmen, the 4th official, The Hague, Britain’s confused economic policy or anyone within barking distance.

I am particularly put in mind of the time he took umbrage with the BBC over allegations that his son was a cheating, nepotistic, untrustworthy lay-about with his pockets stuffed full of other people’s cash funnelled through his father’s office.

I haven’t seen anyone that angry since Pat Butcher woke to find Dean Ashton up to his elbows in her Garibaldis.