The H List

West Ham United vs Burnley FC: Match Preview - 28/11/2009

2009-11-27T02:20:00.003Z

1. Who Has The Key To Devon’s Loch?

Like the aforementioned steed, in recent outings we have been comfortably ahead, a decent buffer between ourselves and our rivals, only to flounder of our own accord, our limbs splayed to each point of the compass like an all too willing harlot.

Last week’s draw against Hull marked the fifth time this season that we have taken the lead in a game only to fail to go on and win it, the other examples being tottenham, Bolton in the League Cup, Fulham and Sunderland.

Perhaps more galling was that after taking a 2-0 lead with barely ten minutes on the clock, we found ourselves 3-2 down by halftime. To Hull.

Having equalised, to then fail to claim a winner against the 10-men of Hull City (Hull City, by Jehovah!) did nothing to inspire confidence in anything other than another drab tale of survival to add to our catalogue of underperformance.

We even had two gilt-edged chances to win it at the death – a gift of a header from Junior Stanislas, preceded by a weak effort by what appeared to be the spectral embodiment of the fabled Inter Milan midfielder, Luis Jiminez.

However, these gilded opportunities will merely serve as sour footnotes to what constitutes a distasteful hors d’oeuvre to the 2009-’10 campaign.

2. Opposition

As legions of St. Bernard’s scour Mount Krispy Kreme looking for HeadHammer Shark, their kegs brimming with hot fudge, it falls to me to shed light upon the next stage in our lacklustre slog towards 15th place.

Burnley pay us a visit this weekend, on the back of some significant results and three months into a solid start to their inaugural Premier League campaign.

The Lancastrians have done an admirable job of picking up a steady stream of points this season. Whilst being on the wrong end of a few thumpings early on, these have been punctuated by notable wins against the likes of Manchester United, Everton and Sunderland.

Burnley have also succeeded in picking up points versus those teams against whom they may well be competing for Premiership survival come May, defeating as they have Hull City and Birmingham.

Last season’s Championship players have largely made the transition to the Premier League, with defenders Stephen Caldwell and Andre Bikey particularly impressive. Our own Tyrone Mears less so.

Not being the pushover we perhaps expected pre-season, The Clarets arrive at Upton Park on the back of two solid results, a 1-1 draw at home to Aston Villa and a 3-3 thriller away to Manchester City.

Although, the latter was largely due to some defending from Wayne Bridge that Rigobert Song would have been ashamed of. Or proud of – I can’t quite figure that one out.

Anyway, retribution was swift as this performance saw Bridge jettisoned from my fantasy football team quicker than you can say ‘Jordan’s kids should be taken into care’.

3. History

On the four occasions that we’ve played Burnley since 1980, we have recorded two wins and two draws, one of each home and away.

Our last encounter at the Boleyn Ground was back in August 2004 and ended in a 1-0 win courtesy of an edge-of-the-box belter from midfield cannon fodder, Adam Nowland - now plying his trade at Northern Premier League Division One North side, AFC Fylde.

4. General Franco

One positive taken from last week was the performance of this season’s elder statesman, Guillermo Franco.

Despite sharing the name of a 20th-century European dictator (something which endears him greatly to The H List) and resembling Justine Henin on more steroids than she is generally accustomed to, Franco succeeded in scoring our first and setting up our second.

In the absence of Alessandro Diamanti, the Mexican international took on more creative responsibility, as well as providing support for the returning Carlton Cole.

He provides a different threat from either the colossus Cole or the fleet-footed Hines and if he can go on to do what DiMichele or Tristan summarily failed in, and claim ten or more goals this season, combined with a fit and firing Cole, he could prove the difference this year and make a telling contribution.

5. Picture Book

Guillermo Franco celebrates taking Stefan Edberg to a second set tie-break

6. Now Is The Winter Of Our Discontent?

In a marked contrast to last year, we have been scoring freely recently, but have suffered from the multitude of holes in our permeable defence remaining unplugged.

Last season’s bedrock has become this year’s brittle undercarriage, the quantity of goals leaked in just three months rendering the custom of defending as futile a gesture as ‘Celebrity Mum of the Year’.

The concession of four penalties this term and the twenty four goals conceded in our last ten games showcases a defensive rigidity akin to the French Army, and all of this approaching what will be a significant portion of our season.

Along with last week’s trip to Hull, our schedule between now and the New Year constitutes a crucial run of fixtures which will go a long way to shaping our campaign.

Important ties against the likes of Burnley, Birmingham, Bolton and Portsmouth are interspersed with visits to Old Trafford and White Hart Lane, as well as the courteous East End welcome always extended to Chelsea.

Another batch of favourable fixtures awaits us in the first two months of 2010, but should we emerge from that period with little to show for it, a place in the bottom half of the bottom half is the best we can hope for.

Hull City vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 21/11/2009

2009-11-20T04:58:00.006Z

1. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

This article marks something of an epoch for The H List, being published as it is from the southern hemisphere.

In a frankly ridiculous bid for increased market share, Headhammer Shark and I have taken the bewilderingly radical approach of posting one author to Australia and it was I who took one for the team, typing as I am in shorts, t-shirt and 30-degree heat.

I have an equally baffling theory that the resultant time difference gives me a better chance of uploading articles in a quasi-punctual fashion. Not difficult when we currently publish once every Mayan dynasty.

2. Opportunity Knocks

Back in mid-October, had I offered you five points from Arsenal, Sunderland, Villa and Everton would you have taken it?

From the first three games, definitely, despite the frustration of letting a two goal lead slip at The Stadium of Light. A wasteful loss to an under par Everton side, however, contributed to a sense of missed opportunity.

To take eight points from those tricky fixtures would have not only provided us with a tangible buffer to the relegation zone but, more importantly, really given the team what would have been a warranted boost of confidence.

As it is, I feel that any confidence accrued post-Villa took an appreciable knock after the Everton match – the kind of knock which could manifest itself against Hull, when the added momentum from a win against The Toffees would have stood us in fine stead for our trip up North.

3. Opposition

As I am positioned ‘Down Under’ in a land rife with opposites, I can almost persuade myself that Saturday’s visit to Hull City constitutes a top four clash, but of course it doesn’t. It’s a tooth and nail, bare-knuckle fistfight of a fixture.

Occupying two of the bottom four league positions, taking three points from this match is a must for both teams.

Natural Selection and all laws of nature suggest that it is us who should emerge victorious from this squalid affair, but being West Ham we will obviously do everything in our power to subvert the accepted wisdom of Evolution by preaching Creationist dogma from atop the 3-million year old fossilised remnants of Jimmy Bullard’s knees.

Hull City are a bad team. You don’t need me to tell you that, it’s more than apparent each week. Last season’s survival was wholly due to a remarkable early season run, something they have been incapable of this year.

A chronic case of Second Season Syndrome has gripped the KC Stadium and they are ill-equipped to deal with it. The opportunity to bolster in the January transfer window will do them little good if manager Phil Brown is still holding the purse strings, although it may present us with the chance to offload Nigel Quashie for £27million.

A 2-1 home win against Stoke City last time out postponed the Chairman’s axe from slicing into Phil Brown’s bronzed neck. It would be sweet to nudge the self-regarding Brown a step closer to the exit.

4. Picture Book

'Oi, Phil! What's your position on the concept of humility?'

5. History

Last season we managed to escape from Hull with just the 1-0 defeat, coming as it did in the midst of Zola’s early shaky run courtesy of a header from the now £12million-rated defender (UNBELIEVEABLE), Michael Turner.

Cole and Ilunga both missed great chances in the first half and Carlton also rattled the bar at 1-0 down. It was a familiar tale of creating more gilt-edged chances than a lesser team, who inevitably get the winner with their sole attempt.

The match was also notable for the fact that Marlon King took time out from beating women to make an appearance.

This season’s early shaky run may be at an end, although the jury’s still out. Saturday is a crunch test in that regard.

6. Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Is your team full of underachieving egomaniacs about to crash out of World Cup qualification? Just use these.

7. Cole-Fired

It came as a surprise to no-one that the absence of Carlton Cole against Everton and for the majority of the Villa game shone a retina-searing light on our dearth of potent attacking options.

Young Zavon Hines did remarkably well against Villa, poaching as he did the injury-time winner. He was however as wasteful as lottery-winning chav in the Everton match, and alongside Guillermo Franco forms a front line with zero physical presence.

Franco looks a more accomplished player than David DiMichele, with a sound touch and composure when in possession. However, at this early stage I may as well have drawn the comparison that Hitler slaughtered slightly less people than Stalin.

Cole’s remarkable early season form has inevitably attracted the attention of some of the big guns, with Liverpool and Manchester United sniffing around our nubian prince. He has emerged as a player that three of the traditional Big Four are craving.

The Club have again insisted that our star performers are not for sale and that our finances are not so precarious that we are unable to resist a £20million+ offer. We all know that to sell Cole constitutes Premiership suicide and any income gained will be swiftly negated by the absence of the TV money guaranteed by survival.

He is a solid incarnation of the shadow of a player he once threatened to be, and while I was always an admirer of his endeavour, the addition of a killer instinct, tenacity, close control and Optimus Prime-esque strength has slowly led me to fall in love with him.

If that assertion doesn’t cause him to move on come January, then we should be able to hang onto him ‘til the summer.

8. Phil Clown

Sometimes people come into our lives at just the right time. Serendipity, kismet, karma... Call it what you will, but very occasionally The Fates conspire to provide us with a tonic when the prognosis looks bleak.

Mercifully, the austere prospect of writing an upbeat preview for a trip to Hull is assuaged by their unequivocal buffoon of a manager.

When he’s not giving halftime teamtalks on the pitch, leading the masses in a televised singsong as if he were Sir Cliff at Wimbledon, or conducting a live TV interview sat in front of a self-portrait big enough to make Chairman Mao blush, Phil Brown is busy taping radio mics to his face. Twat.

How can I add anything to make him look anymore stupid?

When invited onto a live Sunday morning chat show, what kind of a man’s thought processes constitute:

‘Right, what to wear.... Blue pinstripes, pink sweater. Risqué? Tell you what, I’ll deflect any abject shame by slinging said jumper casually over the shoulders.’

The most nauseating thing is that you know that he was in the mirror for a good hour, bellowing fashion stratagems downstairs to Mrs. Brown as she whisked up the Aunt Bessie’s pudding batter.

Sorry, Phil. You’re not nibbling on a delicate brioche on the Champs Elysees, sipping an espresso and sifting through Le Monde.

You’re in Hull.

West Ham United vs Arsenal: Match Preview - 25/10/2009

2009-10-22T21:38:00.005+01:00

1. Black Dog

Writing this crap can have an effect on the soul. It’s a sorry state of affairs when the highlight of the season thus far has been a riot.

There has been precious little to cheer. Any cause célèbre (Cole’s screamer against tottenham) has swiftly been negated (Cole’s mesmeric through-ball to Defoe), and the only home win, albeit against Millwall, was a defeat until the 87th minute.

Maybe you reap what you sow. Heckling for attractive football over results has got me in this pickle and the ham-fisted nature of our attacking play has forced me to take a big bite out of a stale reality-sandwich.

2. Opposition

Our Premiership coffin already nicely taking shape, aristocratic fops, Arsenal, slum it at Upton Park on Sunday afternoon, sure to buff any splintered edges with their ivory-handled emery boards.

This season’s title-race looks to be the most open for years, and Arsenal currently look as likely as any to stake a solid claim.

Belgian centre-back Thomas Vermaelen has proven another astute purchase by Arsene Wenger. Already scoring four times this season and looking capable at the back, the left-footer provides balance in the middle alongside walking tantrum, William Gallas.

Cesc Fabregas continues to pull the strings in midfield and is sure to keep on kissing his badge right up until he signs for Barcelona.

Notably this season, the departure of Emmanuel Adebayor has enabled Robin Van Persie to finally take centre stage up front, emerging from the shadow of Adebayor and Thierry Henry.

Van Persie oozes class (except with the ladies) and his Feyenoord upbringing has lead to a touch of the Bergkamp’s in his close control, as illustrated by recent goals against Birmingham and Fulham.

The Gunners remain susceptible to conceding, risking defensive solidity for aesthetic perfection. As they often commit both full-backs forward, hitting them on the break at pace is as likely a route to goal as any, so Zavon Hines could prove useful.

Scoring could also prove useful. As could having a shot on goal. Getting a cross in might get us somewhere. And making a valid substitution before second half injury time is also something to consider.

Arsenal’s weakness since the departure of their famous back four has been a brittle underbelly to their beautiful play. As the likes of Bolton have proven on a few occasions, get in amongst them and they often fold rather than risk spilling their 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild.

Of course, we choose to eschew this established wisdom and take on the best footballing side in the League at actual football, for goodness sake. Inevitably, we often come off second best and I see no reason to believe that Sunday will be any different.

3. History

Last season’s corresponding fixture finished 2-0 to the Gunners, although we held our own for an hour until Julien Faubert deflected a shot into his own net.

The introduction of Emmanuel Adebayor in the second half highlighted the gulf in class and he competently put Arsenal two-up to seal the result.

Generally speaking, we haven’t done too badly against Arsenal over the years. The famous ‘last team at Highbury, first team at Emirates’ chant will always be something to cling to in these barren times, but that it takes on increasing importance tells its own story.

4. Attribute The Quote:

'One day I will be King of Europe...'

5. Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls

Right. The situation is dire. Which is almost as terminal as Dyer.

One win so far this season, five points from eight games, second bottom of the table and three tricky fixtures just round the corner.

At Stoke I stood among the meat pie-wielding masses to witness West Ham stroke the ball impotently from right wing to left without ever thinking to, I don’t know, run forwards?

The incessant lateral nonsense put me in mind of staring at windscreen wipers whilst driving through a torrential downpour. Right, left, right, left, right, left…. Futilely straining against the inevitable as the wheels come off and we aquaplane into oblivion.

Zola came out after the game saying that he took solace in the manner of our play, but I can’t see how. Yes, we dominated Stoke for spells, but dominating a team like Stoke is not enough.

For all the tidy play out of our own half, after a few side to sides, we often resort to a hopeful ball up to Cole. If that is always to be the ultimate result, why not lump it up there early before he’s surrounded by three defenders?

No-one is threading in neat passes, and more endemic is that no-one is finding any space when not in possession. Give the ball, stand still, get it back, pass it sideways.

If Mark Noble receives possession on the edge of the area again and turns back towards Rob Green, I’m going to loop Cheryl Cole’s new video on his TV. With the vision off and the sound up.

6. Picture Book

Arsene Wenger illustrates the need for a high-fibre diet

7. Behrami Army

Valon Behrami is West Ham’s night light – he never illuminates proceedings to a huge extent, but you’re always glad he’s there. More than most, he seems to understand what it is that endears a player to the fans.

While Junior Stanislas and Julien Faubert were lauding the former’s injury-time equaliser against a 10-man Fulham, it was Behrami dragging them back to the halfway line for the re-start.

Always full of running and never short of endeavour, he’d be one of the first names on my teamsheet – along with myself up front, a coked-up Mark Ward on the wing (imagine the pace) and HeadHammer Shark, the proverbial bus parked in front of the goal.

Although he constitutes one half of a suspect defensive axis with Faubert down our right-hand side, Behrami is arguably our most consistent performer.

The antithesis of the self-important Nigel Reo-Coker and one of the few positives from the Curbishley era, Behrami knows the score:

“I think the team has to lift the crowd. If they see that every player challenges and runs, it’s easier for the people to get behind you… it’s down to us, the players.”

West Ham United vs Fulham: Match Preview - 04/10/2009

2009-10-01T20:14:00.004+01:00

1. Same Old H List, Always Absent…

As HeadHammer Shark stagnates in his recliner, responding to his good lady wife’s pleas for a little help with the kids with a ‘whatever’-style gesture, never once taking his eyes from Wrestlemania on the Plasma, it has been left to me to post our bi-monthly article.

Yes, I missed the Bolton and Man City previews, but in hindsight can you blame me?

2. Opposition

Sunday afternoon sees us take on Fulham at Upton Park in what has arguably become a must-win game so early in the season.

Fulham have had marginally better start than us after an exceptional year where they snatched 7th place (their highest ever finish) and the final Europa League spot from under the noses of several other clubs whom many thought a safer bet.

Woy Hodgson has done a fantastic job since arriving at Cwaven Cottage, staving off near-imminent welegation in his first season before qualifying for Euwope the next.

Hist team are altogether a sterner test than in recent years and by no means a banker at home. Aussie international Mark Schwarzer is a competent ‘keeper, veteran Danny Murphy keeps things ticking over in midfield, they have two mobile full-backs (one of them a genius) and Bobby Zamora just does well to stay on his feet with Andy Johnson diving all over the place.

Saying that, they too are in the midst of a poor run, arriving on the back of three consecutive defeats to Arsenal, Man City and Wolves.

Another recent similarity is that they have their fair share of injury worries, with new signing Damien Duff recently joining Simon Davies and Brede Hangeland on the injury list.

I’ve heard rumours that King Paintsil plans on exposing Derren Brown’s devilry at halftime before zooming off in a jet-pack from the centre circle, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

3. Case For The Defence

Monday night’s defeat to Man City highlighted a few areas at the root of our current plight, the most stark of which was the shocking defending on display for both goals from Pope Tevez.

We’ve conceded three goals in each of our last three matches. Cripes.

There were some shocking lapses, not least when our entire defence were simultaneously struck by a bout of narcolepsy as Tevez nodded in City’s third, one of three City players free at the far post.

Tomkins is the real deal, but he is only seven years old and a lack of positional experience was evident when he tried to both mark a player and cover the ball simultaneously, resulting in him doing neither and leaving Tevez with a tap-in.

Da Costa had a decent debut, but Matthew Upson’s absence was clear. Upson’s injury lay-off and the news that Danny Gabbidon has picked up another injury again throws the wisdom of selling James Collins into question.

Fullback’s Ilunga and Faubert both appear a little off the pace, be that fitness-wise or positionally, but I expect better to come from both.

The prospect of Faubert at right-back is not as bone-chilling as it once was, and for that he deserves credit. While there are obvious deficiencies, I think he’s done pretty well so far this year and could yet make the unlikely transition from pantomime villain to back-end-of-a-pantomime-horse.

4. Picture Book

'World Cup winner? Two time FIFA World Player Of The Year? But can you handle this?!'

5. History

Last season saw us beat Fulham 3-1 at the Boleyn.

Gentleman John Paintsil graciously put one on a plate for David DiMichele after a couple of minutes, having cunningly disguised his genius for total defensive incompetence.

This was followed by an absolute scorcher from another former Hammer, Paul Konchesky, who drilled an unstoppable shot past Green from somewhere near Leyton. It was reminiscent of Konchesky’s goal in the 2006 FA Cup Final, except this time he meant it.

Finally, Carlton Cole was brought down for a penalty, converted by Noble, before scoring himself.

In recent times Fulham have been our bitches, with us recording seven wins and a draw from our last eight encounters.

6. Picture Book

'£80million? What does that buy you? Does it buy you this?!'

5. Form and Function

During Zola’s post-match interview on Monday, it appeared as if the penny had dropped that passing endeavour is not enough when you’ve got four points from six games.

He has described Sunday’s match as “a cup final” and Scott Duxbury has sacrificed a couple of goats to his pagan gods on top of the usual kindergarten playgroup.

For all our neat passing in midfield, this admirable approach rarely makes it into the final third nor translates into a meaningful shot on goal.

Invariably, we are able to pass our way out of tight situations in and around our own penalty area, competently resisting the temptation to hoof it clear. This then creates the illusion of the beginnings of a fluid attack, only for a pass to go astray soon after we cross into opposition territory.

Another issue is our chronic lack of width. No-one’s consistently getting down the wings and no-one’s getting crosses into one of the bigger aerial threats in the league.

What we’re left with is restricted space combined with overly intricate passing moves, which more often than not flounder upon midfield congestion.

I’m all for our style of play, which demonstrates a sea-change in comparison to the Curbishley-era when we all cried ourselves to sleep. I’m merely highlighting that our inability to mix things up means that once we’ve been figured out, we’re largely nullified.

West Ham United vs Liverpool: Match Preview - 19/09/2009

2009-09-18T07:16:00.003+01:00

1. Opposition

Eternal bridesmaid’s, Liverpool, are in town this week, clutching the withered bridal bouquet of Manchester United’s dominance.

The Reds have suffered a couple of blips already this season, with losses to tottenham and Villa. They do, however, come to Upton Park on the back of a 4-0 victory at home to Burnley, largely courtesy of ex-Hammer, Yossi Benayoun, who scored three and set up the other.

Whether they finally have the necessary quality and depth to win their first title since 1990 remains in doubt. The renewed commitment of Gerrard, Torres and Benitez will have bolstered fans, but the lack of major investment in real quality will likely hinder genuine title prospects.

Not that this should matter to The Reds come Saturday. We have been so subservient to them these last 30+ years that I half expect our players to doff their caps in the tunnel, perspiration still glistening on the brow from scrubbing the Liverpool team bus.

Victory at the weekend is as likely as Jamie Redknapp spelling ‘analytical competency’ without the use of a Speak & Spell. In fact, I’d wager he couldn’t even say it.

2. Nature vs Nurture

Premier League clubs this week agreed on new rules which state that eight out of twenty-five first team squad members must be ‘home-grown’ from next season.

No worries for us, but before you think ‘Wow, Arsenal are going to fold!’, the term ‘home-grown’ is misleading. Any player, foreign or otherwise, that has been at one club for three years or more between the ages of 16 and 21 qualifies.

On this basis, Cesc Fabregas is ‘home-grown’, as would Ronaldo have been at Manchester United prior to his departure.

Arsene Wenger’s considerable internet grooming skills can therefore remain extra-curricular.

3. Stop The Rot

While it is too early to start looking into competitive hotel rates in Doncaster for next season, we do come into this game on the back of two poor performances.

A nothing draw at Ewood Park was followed by a defeat at Wigan so turgid that even eternal nice guy, Frankmundo Zola, saw fit to declare the performance unacceptable.

The immediate chances of us nipping this downturn in the bud seem slight, with our next two games being at home to Liverpool and then away to Man City.

What is the best catalyst for recovery: to have a proper go and suffer a potential rout? Or adopt a conservative approach and, who knows, maybe nick a point?

I’d go for the former, but what do I know? I thought Kieron Dyer was a sound purchase.

4. History

This fixture constituted the penultimate home game of last season and culminated in a 3-0 defeat. Steven Gerrard put the visitors 1-0 up within a minute and 2-0 up after 38, before the game was settled late on by Ryan Babel.

Nothing much noteworthy from us, bar David DiMichele’s curious stuttering dive right on the stroke of halftime when clean through on goal.

A mistake by Jamie Carragher had let the diminutive Italian in, and DiMichele took the retrospectively admirable decision to showcase his emerging ballerina skills, as his future was so obviously not in football.

We have won just one league encounter against Liverpool from the last fourteen, losing ten. Liverpool’s away form is good (six wins from seven ) and our home form is bad (one win from four).

A failure to score in our last two games against considerably weaker opposition than Saturday’s also does not bode well. Neither does Liverpool’s seven goals scored in back-to-back wins.

One chink in Liverpool’s armour is from set-pieces, from which all seven goals conceded this season have come.

5. Out With The Old, In With The Old

This season’s must-have ageing striker accessory is Mexico international, Guillermo Franco, who this week signed on a free transfer following the expiry of his contract with Villareal.

Argentine-born Franco comes with some international pedigree, enjoying a recent goal-scoring spree in Mexico’s World Cup qualifying campaign.

His motivation is to consolidate that place during a World Cup year. Ours is more likely the chance to harvest his organs when Dean Ashton dies.

6. So Long, Alonso

The main Merseyside transaction of the summer involved Xabi Alonso, departing as he did for Real Madrid after largely being hung out to dry since Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez flirted with Gareth Barry last year.

In came Alberto Aquilani from AS Roma, who is yet to make his debut for the club and so will obviously do so this Saturday and score eleven goals.

Alonso’s departure is a puzzlement to me because most people outside of Benitez could see that he was an instrumental part of this side.

While Gerrard and Fernando Torres often take the plaudits, Alonso was always adept at keeping things ticking over in midfield with good vision and an impressive range of passing.

They did get £30million for him, but to me he was exactly the kind of unsung, genuine quality that makes Championship winning sides. A bit like Wedge Antilles – no, he won’t get the princess or slay a Sith Lord, but by god he’ll do a job for you.

7. Diamanti Geezer

Alessandro Diamanti was given his first cameo against Wigan last week and provided the spark that was so sorely lacking.

He went very close with a free-kick (ostensibly something of a speciality) and hit the post late on.

Zola has spoken of his intention to ease him into the pace of the English game, so he is perhaps unlikely to start on Saturday, but I don’t see why not. Packing the midfield with like-for-like players has done little for us in recent weeks.

8. Sex Sells

It has been announced that current Birmingham City co-owner, Dave Sullivan, intends to leave the midlands club should a proposed takeover go through.

Sullivan has stated his intention to remain in football and is a well known West Ham fan. Indeed, the prospect of his investment in the club has already been touted this year.

Comically, he made his fortune in pornography in the late ‘70’s and therefore is fully qualified to add his name to the long line of morally sound businessmen to have invested in West Ham.

He said earlier this week: "Following the takeover I will be looking for a new challenge where my experience, success, sound business acumen and readily available editions of Razzle will make a difference."

The commercial possibilities are mind-boggling and the West Ham DVD selection could soon become unrecognisable: ‘Frank McAvennie Scythes The Hammerettes With His Two-Footed Tackle’ etc.

9. It Makes You Proud

Prospective investor Dave Sullivan (left). There’s nothing I can add to this photo to make it any funnier.

Wigan Athletic vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 12/09/2009

2009-09-10T19:55:00.004+01:00

1. A Change Of Tack

I don’t know about you, but personally I think this blog has become just a little too considered in recent weeks at the expense of our bread and butter.

Perilous flirtation with the threat of legal action has been discarded in favour of sound reasoning, and that has to change.

I plan to address this dumbing down of the groundless histrionics which lie at the core of any self-respecting madman’s agenda - it’s political correctness gone mad.

If we could afford solicitors here at The H List, I’m sure we’d be paying them far too much for doing too little, so it’s about time these imaginary leeches earned their scandalously fictitious pay cheques.

2. ‘Av it

Wigan owner, Dave Whelan, upon being asked with which fist he will punch his grand-daughter to sleep with tonight.

3. Opposition

The latest episode in our inexorable march to midtable sees us visit everyone's favourite least favourite team, Wigan Athletic.

Wigan's summer activity largely involved big name departures - Luis Antonio Valencia went to Man United in a bid to slip into the Brylcream-slickened shoes of Cristiano Ronaldo, and Steve Bruce was unavoidably whisked north to Sunderland by the haphazard nature of his physics-resistant snout.

Lee Cattermole was ensnared in Bruce’s rhinal vortex meaning that, along with Wilson Palacios and Valencia, Wigan have lost arguably their three most influential players in little over a year, albeit for a tidy profit.

That Dave Whelan is ploughing said profit into child labour technologies is both deplorable and typical of the man.

In came former Wigan player Roberto Martinez, arriving as he did from Swansea, to take the reins of Whelan's immoral sweat shop.

A surprising opening day victory away to Villa has since been marred by a home defeat to Wolves, a 5-0 thumping by Man Utd, a 2-1 away loss to Everton and an embarrassing 4-1 defeat at Blackpool in the Carling Cup.

So they’re obviously about due for a result.

4. Nowhere Man

HeadHammer Shark’s unrequited love has left him high and dry, although for whom is still unclear.

Lucas Neill was on the verge of signing for Atletico Madrid this week, a deal which fell through at the last minute. Fellow Spanish side Real Zaragoza also declared an interest, but were perturbed by the Aussie’s wage demands. The latest is that Sunderland are to offer Neill £40,000-per-week.

Prior to the Madrid deal collapsing, Neill claimed that his motivation was the opportunity to play in the Champions League. Funny. The very same opportunity presented to him by Liverpool in 2007 didn’t stop him signing for a team in the midst of a relegation battle for a considerably higher wage.

The old excuse of 'testing himself against the best' doesn't wash either. The last time I checked John Pantsil still played in The Premier League.

Despite all his protestations (according to the man himself, a move to Madrid would represent “a brave decision”), money is clearly his only motivation. Just how many Kit Kat Chunkys can one man buy??

While I never shared HeadHammer Shark’s unbridled love of Neill, he certainly played a major role in our battle against relegation and showed glimpses of his old form towards the end of last season - when he was in the shop window.

I would have a whole lot more respect for him if he came out with the truth, or even kept his mouth shut, instead of spouting translucent platitudes.

5. The Story So Far…

We have experienced a gamut of outcomes in just the first three games of the season: a comfortable win at Wolves, a narrow and frustrating loss at home to tottenham, and a lame duck draw away at Blackburn.

Our underwhelming forays into the transfer market dictate that we must see out the next four months with a reasonably threadbare attack. I am thus far equally underwhelmed with our attempts at a 4-3-3 system, particularly as it invariably reverts to a 4-5-1 coupled with a frustrating amount of hopeful balls lobbed up to Carlton Cole.

Regardless of personnel available, we should at least explore a trusty old 4-4-2, if only to give opposition defenders something/someone else to think about and thereby freeing up more space for Big Carlton.

One of Jiminez, Dyer or Diamanti should partner the big man, with one of the remaining two floating in behind. Use Stanislas as an impact substitute and Noble, Parker and Collison/Valon Behrami to do the graft in midfield.

The industrious and popular Behrami made his return from injury in a midweek reserves 6-0 win over Birmingham, playing for an hour. In the same game Alessandro Diamanti scored twice either side of half-time, with both goals direct from free-kicks.

For a West Ham side this is as rare as me getting through any ITV football coverage without writing a death threat to the producer.

6. You And I Are Gonna Live Forever

It took no time this season for Convicted Price Fixer Dave Whelan to fire the first shot in our ceaseless war of attrition. When I heard the news that the already self-promoting JJB Stadium had been renamed The DW Stadium, my first thought was 'he's left the 'CPF' off the front.'

My second, more hysterical thought was that this immodest move from Whelan was a personal slight, one I aim to repay in kind. An attempt to re-name this blog ‘Stand Up To Suspect Northern Tradesmen’ has been met with a stony silence by my employer (who doesn’t pay me any wage, by the way).

Whelan's Stalinist attempt to add 'immortality' to his already questionable résumé does nothing for his public persona. We can only hope that in time, this vacuous monument to evil is felled as easily as Eduardo, and the armies of children toiling in Whelan’s gulags are freed.

7. Internazionale

Wednesday night saw Fabio Capello’s England book their place at the 2010 World Cup Finals in South Africa, thanks to a commanding 5-1 defeat of Croatia at Wembley Stadium.

West Ham representatives Matthew Upson and Rob Green both did well, Upson cementing his place as first reserve centreback in the absence of Rio Ferdinand, and Green notably contributing when called upon.

Green made a fine save down to his left late on and smothered the follow-up, only to concede while prostrate during the ensuing mêlée, as John Terry was on the line busily directing his mother towards some unguarded handbags.

8. The Power Of Authority

Football’s governing bodies have recently bared their teeth and for once have done so meaningfully.

Eduardo Da Silva punished retrospectively for diving against Celtic? A good thing.

Chelsea banned from transfer dealings for two years for yet again tapping up young talent? Brilliant.

‘Get up, you diving cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!’

Blackburn Rovers 0 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-09-01T22:00:00.053+01:00

1. Two Coins For The Boatman

If you should ever find yourself watching a game of football that is worse than this debacle, then pray that your affairs are in order, for you, my friend, are in Hades.

2. What Can You Say?

I can't pretend that this article will give you great insight into the machinations of this game. In truth, there was barely anything that could warrant being described as a "machination" unless you consider two goalkeepers whacking the ball to each other to qualify.

This game was actually a terrible indictment of the Premier League and everything it has come to represent. Here were two teams playing their third games of the season and already looking as though they were each quietly content to play out an interminable 0-0 draw. Blackburn had started slowly and were without a point, meaning that Sam Allardyce was always likely to play for a draw first, whilst we were aware from home modelling our revolutionary "one striker" system as decreed by our Icelandic creditors.

It's ridiculously idealistic of course, but you would think that someone somewhere might consider that there are actual paying CUSTOMERS at these games. I don't need to see my team win necessarily, nor do I even need to see goals to be entertained but I do like to see something approaching ambition and attacking intent. I expect nothing of Allardyce, but I am disappointed in Zola (*).

(*) - Yes, I accept that we were away from home against Allardycian spoilers, and we kept a clean sheet and that our squad is put together based upon the whims of our bankers, but still - colour me disgruntled.

3. The Statistics

As much as I would love to pin the blame for this crime against football on Blackburn, we must shoulder some of the blame. Although we had the greater possession, at 54%, we did almost nothing with it and generated just a single solitary shot at goal. One! ONE! 1 against Paul Robinson. That's negligence pure and simple.

The home side had six goalbound efforts but none that I can really recalling troubling Robert Green, and in fact both keepers could probably have set up a domino table in the corner of the pitch with no noticeable impact on the end result.

Elsewhere Carlton Cole had 6 shots and managed to get just one on target. There is a word for this and that word is Darrenbentian.

4. The Opposition

A Blackburn season ticket can cost as little as £199 which is either a steal in today's over inflated market, or daylight robbery when they serve up shit like this, depending on your view. Seriously, I feel sorry for Rovers fans if this is what they can look forward to for the rest of the year. Once upon a time they were a good team with quality players. Now, they are ... not.

Of course, everyone knows what to expect from Allardyce. Your team won't be relegated with him at the helm, but at the same time you have to be prepared to leave your principles at the door and accept the terrible football that will inevitably come your way.

Allardyce always strikes me as a man using the latest cutting edge technology, algorithms and data points in order to prove that the earth is flat. Sure, we hear all about his modern approach, and he talks a decent game in terms of how he prepares his teams but you cannot ignore that they play Stone Age football.

Watching Jason Roberts chase around on his own whilst the rest of the team made sure not to over extend themselves was an early indicator that Blackburn weren't going to spend this game being hoisted on their own overly ambitious petard.

We should be better than this, but we are not. With only one striker, and two mercurial sorts behind him (Stanislas/Dyer and Jiminez) then we always seem likely to struggle if the opposition don't over commit. Our much publicised decision not to get in another striker looks even more ludicrous in the light of this game, and not only because of the inherent danger in not having cover for Cole, but also the inflexibility. We couldn't switch to 4-4-2 even if we wanted to with our current personnel. I haven't forgotten about Hines or Nouble by the way, but teenagers who haven't started a Premier League game between them are not suitable back up, no matter what the Club's PR machine tells you.

5. Flat Earth Society Meeting Boils Over

Referee looks in weirdly broken mirror

6. Transfer Window Special

Anyway, enough of this crap. I refuse to analyse this game any further. It was terrible and I strike it from my memory.

Instead lets focus on West Ham's awesome transfer window performance, which appears to have melted the interweb in East London.

Our activity was as follows:

- James Collins sold to Aston Villa for an "Undisclosed" amount, widely believed to be £5m.
- "Record signing" Savio exchanged for Fiorentina's Portugese defender Manuel da Costa and £3m.
- Herita Ilunga signed permanently! Yes, we're still counting that one!
- Alessandro Diamanti bought from Livorno for £5m (or £1.5m depending on who you believe) after sponsors SBOBet held a raffle to raise the funds.
- Luis Jiminez signed on loan from Inter Milan with an option to make the deal permanent if we find sunken treasure between now and the end of the season.
- Various unheralded European youngsters signed to lull you into thinking we are Arsenal-lite.

Based on the above do you therefore assess West Ham United's transfer policy to be:

a) An ongoing sophisticated policy of analysing a worldwide network of young talent, evaluating their place within our revolutionary new Project using relevant and cutting edge metrics before selling them on at their maximum value to be replaced with younger, cheaper options.

b) Not a policy at all, but an ongoing exercise in very well disguised asset stripping designed to service our huge debt, whilst hoping to keep us moderately attractive enough for the mythical new buyers.

c) Insane.

d) The same as it has always been since I have followed West Ham. Cash in, and spin it to the fans.

Once upon a time I believed in the Project. I really did. Even allowing for Duxbury's inclement success with oral cuddling, I was prepared to buy into the notion that someone had at last developed a cogent business model for the Club.

I didn't think that it was worth trumpeting that from the rooftops, because it did rather strike me as something that we should have been doing years ago, but none the less I concurred with the thought process. A small club like us can only pretend to compete in the ridiculously unfair market that we operate in, if we take advantage of any market inefficiencies that exist.

As such, the Club has decided to focus on developing young players, identifying reasonably priced foreigners and then extracting maximum value for older players where we have replacements available. And good for them - that is a sensible and viable business model for a team like us. Duxbury also deserves credit for his hire of Zola, who was nobody's idea of a good choice and yet he currently occupies an almost talismanic position in view of what (hasn't) happened in this transfer window.

If you look at comparable teams in other sports, they are able to achieve success with an operating model such as this and I give them credit for realising that. We cannot compete with the lunatics at Eastlands, or even the wasters at White Hart Lane, whilst we don't get the annual subsidy from UEFA like the "Big 4" so we are making some sort of attempt to equalise things outside of simply spending a load of money we don't have, a la every promoted team of the late 90's.

The fact we play in such a deliberately uncompetitive environment is not the Club's fault, and they are doing the best they can.

But here's the rub. It's mostly proven to be bullshit hasn't it?

I don't doubt that the Club is on a reasonably sound economic footing, but the problem is that we are not a single entity anymore, wrapped up as we are in an Icelandic web of bankruptcy. We cashed in last January to the tune of £20m and another £8m or so in this window. Our outgoings in that time have been nowhere near that amount, unsurprisingly, which simply highlights that this money is being used for things other than the development of our squad.

The problem is that Duxbury gave two interviews this summer, clearly stating that we would sign two strikers, that he was really clocking up the airmiles in the process of doing this, but it didn't matter because he got to go to Franco's house for barbecues.

Now, with our much touted purchase of Savio looking fairly ill judged, and no strikers signed before the deadline it rather leaves in tatters the notion that Gianluca Nani is going to save the club with his magic address book, and does leave Duxbury looking a bit shifty at best, and a flat out liar at worst.

I doubt things are going to change much until we get new owners, but my biggest area of concern is that what little money we have seems to be being spent on some strange purchases. Alessandro Diamanti, a Serie B midfield star was brought in at some expense, at a time when we were crying out for a striker. And I mean lying prostrate on the floor, wailing like a baby.

Diamanti may well turn out to be a steal. He may also turn out to be Savio. I would rather have spent the money on a slightly surer thing. (Niko Krancjar springs to mind, although he'd spring back out again fairly quickly I imagine). It's hardly news to suggest that we are light in the striking department, but it does fairly boggle the mind that we are a Cole injury or suspension away from starting 17 year old Frank Nouble up front. On his own.

And then yesterday, James Collins departed. For £5m. When Andy Turner went for £12m. *rips out spleen*.

Certainly we are equipped to replace him with Gabbidon and Tomkins, but given that he was Zola's first choice so far this season, it is fair to suggest that in the managers eyes at least, we just got weaker for no apparent gain.

At this point, the League is probably crap enough to let us tread water until January, but the problem is that I can only foresee outgoings in that window and perhaps the odd Serie B loanee coming in to give us a boost up front.

I'm not saying I want us to mimic Stoke (ever, in any sense at all), but blimey they did spend £11m in this window. So it's not that there isn't money around English football at the moment, it's more that there isn't any around East London. And I'm not sure that projects can work without any funding at all....

The H List Goes All Modern, Like

2009-09-01T15:28:00.003+01:00

We are now on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/TheHList

We're not sure what this means. But follow us anyway. And we'll let you know when The H List is next updated.

Millwall - Through A Glass Darkly

2009-08-28T13:11:00.014+01:00

Before I begin, a confession.

I did not go to the game on Tuesday against Millwall. There were a variety of reasons : I am still protesting the clubs disgraceful decision to remove the two free Cup games from my season ticket some 12 years ago, I am trying to save a bit of money at present and it was the last in the series of Desperate Romantics with which I am rather taken (that's a joke before anyone firebombs my house).

But since the game and the surrounding hoopla I have been rather astounded at the level, and indeed the inaccuracy of the coverage. Old pros are wheeled out to deliver platitudes and say exactly what they think they should be saying rather than anything especially insightful, whilst columnists fall over themselves to deliver "stinging broadsides" about the death of the game yet all the while they are simply regurgitating the stale nonsense that they always spout. Research? Context? Not round here guv'nor.

To my mind, any analysis of the events of Tuesday needs to separate out clearly the events inside the stadium from those outside. Some fat losers running on to the pitch in order to get themselves on the tv hardly stands comparison to a man being stabbed while walking to a game.

So let's address the stuff inside first:

Inside The Madness

One key element about this game which has been overlooked in the rush to judgement is that it kicked off at 7.45pm. A whole day and evenings worth of drinking was done prior to this match and without the contributions of Messrs Stella and Artois I imagine that things might have turned out a little differently. Prior encounters in the Championship involved Sunday morning kick offs and mounted Police by the battalion. Here, with the benefit of booze there seems to have been a groundswell of enmity which manifested itself in the second half tussles by the Dr Martens Stand.

Look, I wasn't there so I can't comment with authority but everyone I have spoken to says that the atmosphere in the ground was crackling. Slightly poisonous and certainly not friendly, but electric nonetheless. The scuffles in the corners were regrettable, but the posturing of teenagers and old men does not equal the death of English football. I post occasionally on the West Ham forum In The Brown Stuff and it was brilliantly described on there as follows:

"There is nothing quite as funny as the hate contorted face of a 19 year old, standing on a plastic seat, doing an estuary haka at the opposition fans separated by nothing other than a wall, a 30 yard DMZ, another wall, 300 stewards, 200 riot police and all the other supporters who are standing in front of him" - SurfaceAgentX2Zero

Amen to that. "Disgusting scenes" crowed Phil Thompson on Sky Sports. And with his close connections to Liverpool he would know a thing or two about that. I'm sorry but I can't get worked up about this. Football supporters taunting and abusing each other? Wow. Some seats being chucked about? Begorrah. Certainly it's not a moment for the human race to capture for posterity and put into a time capsule, but it's not the Louisana Superdome either.

The pitch invasion is another matter entirely. I have no time for people who seek attention for themselves to the detriment of the broader cause and I hope they all get banned. These were grown men who should know better and young kids with little more than a sheep like tendency to follow the leader. I would harbour a guess that those who were on the pitch on Tuesday were not regular matchgoers. How could they be? Those of us who go each week know that the price for this transgression is a lifetime ban. Hardly worth it for the chance to appear on the back of the Metro whilst the country mocks your obesity.

This man is an embarrassment to football apparently. As opposed to the entire human race.

This isn't the first pitch invasion at a football match of course. I recall one in April 2003 when England beat Turkey on their way to qualification for Euro 2004. It wasn't on the same scale, but it was in a brighter spotlight. I have searched around for the articles published at the time demanding that England be banned from the competition and I can't find them. Weird - maybe Phil Thompson didn't see that game.

I'm not condoning anyone who runs on the pitch. It's stupid. It's beyond my ability to explain. But I don't think it marks a watershed in the return of wide scale hooliganism. If you hold a public event and 25,000 people turn up then you run the risk of there being quite a few dickheads in that number. C'est la vie - ban them, fine them, move on and save the hyperbole for something worthwhile.

Outside, In The Darkness

Events outside Upton Park appear to be very different. Again, without actually being there I can't comment with authority (although that hasn't stopped anyone in the national media), but it's safe to say that things were a little hairy.

The standard line here is that if two groups of like-minded individuals want to get together and have a punch up, then why not? Let them do it. So long as no innocent people get involved then who the hell cares? And I can almost get on board with that. I don't understand it, and I don't want to be present, but if 300 guys want to go to a car park in Beckton for a scrap then frankly it doesn't bother me.

But the problem is that this doesn't seem to be what happens. A man was stabbed at a game of football last night. I can't reconcile that. A 44 year old man who was apparently taking his teenage sons to a game of football, and he was stabbed. Facts are hard to come by from the media (they are inconvenient when an agenda has to be pursued), but it seems he was a Millwall fan who was simply in the midst of a larger crowd and paid the price. I am certain that he wasn't walking along discussing the merits of Keynesian economics and making a peace sign, but still - stabbed?

Of course, this rivalry goes back a long way, to a 1926 dockers strike if you believe the legend, but it would be a mistake to assume that the varying factors that led to violence here would be repeated elsewhere. This was two teams with a hardcore support, in the midst of a long feud, meeting in midweek and not having played against each other for a while. Add in that Millwall had reduced numbers of tickets available, and that large numbers of regular West Ham fans seem to have stayed away, allowing a casual population to attend and I would say that you have the perfect storm for a bit of civil disobedience.

Also, consider that two days earlier we played tottenham without much incident and nobody foresaw the end of civilisation. I'm not condoning violence at football, and some of the indiscriminate stuff from Tuesday was disgraceful, but I also don't condone reactionary media reporting that deals solely in platitudes and half truths.

And while we're at it let's nail some myths:

This will cost us the World Cup!

The FA have announced their desire to host the 2018 World Cup. Shaun Custis of The Sun was proudly announcing to the world this morning that there is now a SERIOUS doubt about our ability to win the bid. Now bear in mind that the internecine politics of FIFA are such that winning a World Cup is largely related to the quality of bribes made to the various delegates who make the decision.

If hooliganism made any difference then neither Holland or Germany would ever host major tournaments, yet both have done so since 2000. Crowd violence makes no difference - football is much too corrupt for that I am afraid. And Shaun Custis is a fungus.

I should be able to take my kids to this game!

This isn't a myth, per se, as it really shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility for a parent to take their child to a football game without fear of violence. Indeed it's commendable for those who decided not to be put off by the prospect of a bit of thuggery.

But here's the rub - I should be able to let my 4 year old play in my front yard. Sure it's open to the road but everyone should drive at the speed limit, and yes any passers by could grab her but those people should be locked up. Except that my ideals aren't those of the rest of the world so I can't do that, and I don't.

If you took your child to this game and were outraged at what you saw, then fair enough. If you took your child to this game and were surprised at what you saw, then you are naive in the extreme.

West Ham should be kicked out of the Cup! Or bombed!

This old chestnut. Perhaps we could get Lord Griffiths down so he can tell us what would have happened were it not for the pitch invasion.

Banning us from the tournament would be a huge step. Almost unprecedented considering the crime (I hesitate to say totally unprecedented as my memory only goes back so far), and certainly a decision that could have momentous consequences down the road. It won't happen but it's a nice easy soundbite for the faux outraged columnists to put into their articles.

This was the Police's fault!

I have yet to have it explained to me with conviction, how it can be the Police's fault if I make racist chants, or throw a bottle indiscriminately at a crowd or run on to the pitch after a goal. There is such a thing as personal responsibility and independent thought. It's kind of what sets us apart from the plants.

Sure, the Police could have done a better job of preventing the opportunities for these things to occur, but even so you don't get to blame someone else for your own actions. Well, unless you're a celebrity, obviously.

This was Junior Stanislas's fault for celebrating so ... well, at all!

Professor Phil Thompson again, criticising 19 year old Junior Stanislas for not realising how his celebration would incite a pitch invasion and a "riot" and the sacking of Constantinople. Sounds reasonable. Oh no, wait...it's actually bollocks once again.

Phil was saying all this whilst commentating for Sky Sports. They obviously condemn any kind of football violence as evidenced by the adverts they were carrying for the new hooligan film "The Firm" and the fact that they showed "Green Street" for several months on their movie channels. You see, they hate football violence. Unless it's profitable.

It was disrespectful to Jack Collison!

Many media types were aghast that fans were running on the pitch while Jack Collison was suffering through the loss of his father. Try as I might I am unable to find any kind of link between these two things. If you take that line of thinking further, then it was also disrespectful to Calum Davenport but I haven't heard anyone mentioning that. Running on the pitch is stupid, it doesn't matter who is playing on the pitch at the time.

West Ham fans are in good shape!

Seriously, why have you taken your top off? You're shaming the rest of us, man.

I appreciate that not everyone is going to be ripped like me, but for the love of God if you have to be fat and a total prick at least keep your bloody shirt on...

An H List Special: A Battle For Hearts And Minds

2009-08-27T18:45:00.010+01:00

1. The Headlines

Good morning, and welcome to a special edition of the widely derided H List.

In the news this week, Senator Edward Kennedy has died of cancer at the age of 77, bringing to an end the largest political dynasty in American history, and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown came under increasing pressure over the early release of convicted Lockerbie bomber, Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi.

Oh, and West Ham are directly responsible for our crumbling society having raised armies of the undead to kill the firstborn of every taxpayer in the country.

2. Out Of The Frying Pan And Into The Fire

Everyone knows by now that West Ham vs Millwall on Tuesday night is the malignant parasite at the core of our rotting society.

I am in no way condoning the behaviour of all those who fought through the night, but for those who were there it was obvious that an undeniable link existed between the aggro and the atmosphere.

To enjoy one is not to applaud the other, but this was the best atmosphere I have experienced at Upton Park since the stadium went all-seater. Right through the 120-minutes there was a palpable and increasing tension, the whole place charged with the anticipation of what could happen.

Millwall’s early goal stoked the fire and it simmered continually until exploding into the almighty roar which greeted Junior Stanislas’ 88th-minute equaliser.

I’m trying to strike the right tone here, balancing how I felt without wanting to come across as a thug endorser, but so far as the crowd dynamic went, I loved every minute of it.

Likely punishment will involve a fine and a stern talking to, but more pointedly, in the aftermath of the furore, this could arguably signal the last time that such an atmosphere on such a scale is generated at Upton Park.

If they could be fostered regularly without the stabbings and burning buses, then football would be better off.

3. Fever Pitch

To an extent, it appears as if the three pitch invasions during the second half have caused more umbrage among the even-handed media than the rioting outside.

The fact is that only around fifty morons with an average age of 17 ran onto the pitch, using mobile phones to record their audition tapes for ‘Green Street 3 – Scraping The Barrel’. They were immediately subject to a cacophony of booing from the remaining 24,000 in the stands.

True, there was a kerfuffle over in Chav Corner towards the end of the match, but to describe it as “sickening” and akin to scenes of the late-70’s and early-80’s is bunkum.

I thought the policing inside the stadium was if anything, a little light. I expected a bigger Police presence for such a high-risk encounter and it would have dissuaded a lot of the ICF-wannabes from storming onto the pitch.

4. Back To The Studio….

As I was at the game, I was spared the painstaking analysis by every news channel in the country, but have since been informed of the considered approach of Sky Sports and their experienced journalist and ex-Liverpool player, Phil ‘Gonzo’ Thompson.

From what I gather, the erudite and disciplined reporting went as follows:

Anchor: Disturbing scenes at Upton Park, Phil – what’s happening?

Thompson: Aagh, this is sickening. This is not what we want to see at a football match, we thought these days were over.

Producer in Phil’s earpiece: That’s good, Phil. Use more emotive language.

Thompson: They’re scum these people

Producer: I like it

Thompson: It may be early, but I don’t think it’s an overstatement to suggest that we’re witnessing the end of civilisation

Producer: Don’t overplay it, Phil. Report the scene…

Thompson: There are people all over the pitch. Horrific scenes. A man in a wheelchair has just dropped his hotdog. He’d only just bought it. I’m disgusted. Both Clubs should be disbanded. I haven’t seen such mayhem since…

Anchor: Heysel?

Producer: Aaaand... cut to the live feed

Anchor: We can now cross live to our roving reporter on Green Street. Steve?

Reporter: You join me in a war-zone. I’m in a war-zone! The mayhem and violence is disorientating, I feel as if I’m losing myself in the blood and the guts. I... I can’t be sure, but I think I saw Hammers fans invoking the spirit of Pol Pot.

Anchor (to camera): Sky Sports understands West Ham have instigated regime change in a bid to revive the tyranny of the Khmer Rouge, live on Sky Sports. Steve, you're live on Sky Sports, can you describe the scenes? Live? On Sky Sports?

Reporter: Policemen running for their lives, the unmistakeable stench of bloodlust in the air, I can imagine West Ham fans feasting upon the corpses of pensioners. I can’t see it, but I can certainly imagine it.

Anchor (to camera): Disturbing reports there of cannibalism on Green Street. Another Sky Sports exclusive. Steve, just how does a normal person deal with these everyday east London scenes?

Reporter: I simply don’t know. I’m unsettled and confused. I just phoned my mum to tell her to piss off for no reason. I’ve never done that before, and for that reason can only attribute these actions directly to West Ham United. Back to you...

Anchor: Startling testimony there from our reporter. Phil, what's the situation inside the ground?

Producer: Let’s embellish a little. No-one at home has the pictures to prove you wrong.

Thompson: They’re burning kids. I don’t believe it. They’re tying kids to the crossbar and burning them

Producer: Say ‘scum’ again.

Thompson: Scum.

Producer: And ‘death’.

Thompson: Scum and death.

5. Considered Opinion

OK, so the above may have been dramatised by about 5%.

Generally, West Ham have come off worse in the media analysis of Tuesday night, probably down to the sheer disparity in numbers, but we all know that Millwall fans are no shrinking violets.

I can not believe that anyone with an interest in football could have thought that there wasn’t going to be trouble at this game, and while rioting is obviously not the way to conduct oneself, all those who took young children to the match showed equally poor judgement.

The amount of calls to Radio 5 Live afterwards which began with the phrase ‘I took my 4-year old along tonight. I’m stunned…’ beggared belief. What did you expect? To be greeted at the gates by Kris Akabusi and a party-bag?

Now wouldn't that be something.

6. Picture Book

The Daily Mail ensured they had a photographer at the scene to underpin their journalistic integrity

6. It's A Funny Old Game

Tuesday night was an unsual experience, although I daresay some of that conclusion has been tainted by the ceaseless coverage since.

In this age of information saturation, journalists do their research on Wikipedia, anything published on the internet is given unwarranted credence and any old mug (ahem...) can publish something for public consumption.

The worrying thing is how easily some people so readily accept what they're spoonfed and how many others can knowingly present and publish ill-conceived opinion as fact.

Thankfully, here at The H List no-one listens to our opinions and were someone to do so, that would be grounds enough to disregard anything else they ever said.

8. Jack The Lad

A special mention this week for Jack Collison.

In light of his father’s recent death, no-one expected him to feature on Tuesday.

Having received a lengthy ovation, Collison held his own during the match and was also the main force in trying to shepherd the morons from the field during the pitch invasions.

At the end of what must have been an incredibly emotional night for him, he was escorted from the field in tears to the heartfelt applause of the crowd.

Hats off to you, Jack. As if you weren't already, your conduct and composure cemented you in our thoughts that night.

9. What Preview?

Oh yeah, we’re away to Blackburn on Saturday.

West Ham 1 - 2 tottenham hotspur (And Other Ramblings)

2009-08-25T14:04:00.039+01:00

1. Scene 1

(Interior, darkly lit): Gianfranco Zola is stood on a stepladder whispering conspiratorially in Carlton Cole's ear:

Zola: "Caroltone...conspiratorially"
Cole: "What?"
Zola: "Nothing, it's just a bad joke between me and HeadHammerShark"
Cole: "That prick"
Zola: "You said it. Now listen - Fabio Capello is here today
Cole: (brightening) "To see me"
Zola: (uncertainly) "Er, sure, he will see you, yes"
Cole: "Excellent. I'm gonna play more brillianter than usual"
Zola: "Your use of language is as esoteric as ever"
Cole: (beaming) "Thanks!"
Zola: "Yes, anyway I suspect he is here to see whether or not you can link up with Defoe. This is important Caroltone, because you could go to the World Cup if you do well this year. Good link play is the key. Got it."
Cole: "Yes, sure"
Zola: "OK, I've got to go. Duxbury is wanting to sort out another fucking barbecue. All I want is a striker and he keeps going on about discussing his bloody project over a nice glass of Beaujolais. I've got Frank Nouble on the bench, who I have literally met twice and needs help with his fucking homework and they've got Crouch. It's a bloody joke...(fades)"
Cole: (aloud, to himself) "Hang on. Defoe plays for them doesn't he? Not us? So how do I link up with Defoe today? Hmm ..."

2. I Did Find This Slightly Funny

3. The Statistics

This always seemed to have the makings of an even enough game, and so it proved as we had 5 efforts on target to the visitors 6, and split possession 47:53 in their favour. To slightly redress this balance it should be pointed out that both sides mustered only 3 efforts at goal from inside the respective penalty areas and tellingly tottenham scored from two.

Once more the offensive load for us fell squarely on the shoulders of Carlton Cole who did a fair impression of a battering ram. He had 6 efforts at goal, scored once and drew 3 fouls which was tied for most in the match. In short, up until he had a brain fade and gifted the undeserved equaliser, he was giving the visitors an extremely tough time.

Another interesting if only slightly apropos number, is £103m. This is the amount of money that tottenham have spent in the last 12 months on their playing staff. Consider that Manchester City operate on another plane altogether, and then realise that no team has spent more than spurs in that time. For comparison Chelsea and Arsenal have spent £69.8m combined in the same period.

This outlay has yielded tottenham an 8th place finish (to follow up 11th the year before). I am not saying this to mock them neccesarily, but to point out that whilst we all crave an injection of cash into our club it is worth pausing to examine what it can look like when done badly. Let's just say that if I was Joe Lewis/ENIC I think I might want a little more bang for my buck.

4. The Opposition

When noted Hammers fan John Cleese finalised his divorce last week he had to agree to a settlement that left his 3rd wife richer than he was. Cleese responded by saying "I got off lightly. Imagine what I would have had to give her if she contributed anything". It's a nice line, and pretty funny and it did feel appropriate this weekend as the tottenham fans sang "2-1 in your Cup Final" whilst celebrating as though they had a won a ... Cup Final.

You see, a lot of us find tottenham fans hard to take for the obvious reasons, but it's the delusions of grandeur that grate the most. However, I would always say to any suffering Hammers - it could be worse. Imagine what they would be like if they were actually successful? Seriously, they spend money like a Champions League team and invariably waste it on players who aren't quite good enough to play at that level and therefore can't progress them to that point. I don't doubt that Harry Redknapp will push them further forward this season, with some good signings like Crouch and Palacios helping, no doubt, but as for whether they can challenge the "Big 4" or even the next tier such as Villa and Man City it's probably too early to tell.

I do wish that Jermain Defoe still played for us though.

5. Scene 2

(Interior, Carlton Cole's head, words cannot accurately describe the setting):
Cole: "Blimey, it's hot"
Cole's Id: "Whatever, Carlton. We're doing alright today. A goal would be good"
Cole: "Yeah, you might be right. I don't think this geezer can contain me"
Cole's Id: "Well he is Sebastien Bassong"
Cole: "Yeah, he is. How much did they pay for him again?"
Cole's Id: "Not relevant Carlton. How about that goal then?"
(Ball arrives in the air. Cole controls and turns on his left foot)
Cole: "It's on my left foot. I'm not so good with my left"
Cole's Id: "Just spank it. Fabio likes stuff like that"
Cole: "Alright, where's Bassong?"
Cole's Id: "On his arse"

(WALLOP)

(Crowd goes wild. Fades...)

6. The Referee

I'd never claim to be a fan of Mark Clattenburg. In fact, I doubt any football fan anywhere considers themself to be a "fan" of a referee, but he didn't do much to win me over here. That said, I am still not a subscriber to the theory that a referee can be directly responsible for a defeat.

Ho hum, should have sent off Defoe, just for a larf.

7. Scene 3

(Exterior, Upton Park, Centre Circle):

Cole: "I just scored. That's pretty good. Fabio will dig that I reckon. Mind you, there wasn't any link play there. Of course, there isn't anyone for me to actually link with these days. Not since they started that Project where they sell all the players and replace them with Jonathan Spector. I wonder what I should do".

(Ball is suddenly played to Cole by Assou-Ekotto)

Cole: "Blimey. That was a terrible ball. Now for some link up play. Hang on - there's Jermain. Free as a bird. I could slip him in here"

(Plays Puskas-esque through ball)

Cole: "Oh shit - hang on..."

8. Kudos

I enjoyed significant chunks of this performance, largely because it convinced me that this wafer thin squad might yet be able to transcend their own limitations and compete at the sharp(er) end of the league.

Bright spots included Noble and the aforementioned Carlton Cole, who continued to excel in our new 4-3-3 formation. Kieron Dyer sadly but predictably failed to appear having made a whopping 73 minute appearance at Wolves. His replacement Junior Stanislas was also promising as he gave Vedran Corluka a torrid time raiding up our left wing.

Behind him Jonathan Spector coped alright with a tough assignment on his weaker side against Aaron Lennon. Now Lennon is a notionally good player, who sounds a lot better than he actually is. That he scored a goal with his left foot will probably see that part of our penalty area designated as a World Heritage Site, and as such I can't criticise the passage of play beforehand. Spector showed his man in on his weaker foot, and then chose a remarkably inopportune time to fall over. C'est la vie, except that it does seem to happen with alarming frequency against this lot...

9. Department Of The Totally Obvious

We don't have enough strikers. I'm only writing it down just so that I don't look as though I didn't realise this in a few months time.

10. I Still Hate You

Welcome to a new, regular feature of the column ... amusing pictures of Phil Brown. And by amusing, I mean amusing for us rather than for him.

"Phil Brown sings on the pitch at Hull. Yes, you read that right."

11. An Addendum

I have been debating whether or not to write anything about this, but it seems strange not to do so considering that I am a West Ham fan and blogger. Calum Davenport was stabbed in the legs this weekend, and Jack Collison's 46 year old father was killed on the way to watch the game.

I can offer little if anything that is cogent or relevant at a time like this. Neither man will ever read this blog, and I am fortunate enough to not have experienced either event so I'm hardly what you'd call useful. None the less I wish them both well and hope that they can recover in their own way. Sure, it's mawkish and sentimental but some things do transcend football and I think I'd feel worse if I didn't write something here...

West Ham United vs tottenham hotspur: Match Preview - 23/08/2009

2009-08-20T20:04:00.006+01:00

1. Opposition

What more is to be said about tottenham?

If this blog had any grounds whatsoever to complain about being over-worked, then I could be forgiven for simply cutting and pasting Spurs-related articles from one season to the next.

Let’s see, this year they are apparently well placed to steal Champions League qualification.

Previous seasons of chronic under-achievement are a thing of the past and their prudent squad additions of the summer see them with the best-equipped squad outside the Big Four.

As part of their revolving-door transfer policy, they have re-signed a partially effective, partially redundant striker on the fringes of the England squad, whilst incurring a sizeable loss.

They continue to be managed by a man with all the financial scruples of a cash-strapped Dick Turpin.

Unfortunately, they have been in good nick so far this season, looking the better team against Liverpool on opening day and putting five past Hull City in midweek. But, as the saying goes, all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

2. They Seek Him Here, They Seek Him There

Our imperative pursuit of a striker continues apace, along with the need for the Club to again refute speculation of the need to sell.

The lack of progress with either Luca Toni or Eidur Gudjohnsen hints that those deals may now be dead, only to be replaced with the prospect of French-born, Moroccan international, Marouane Chamakh.

Chamakh has already been linked with Arsenal this season, but the stoic Wenger sneered through the smoke of his slim Panatella at the asking price, only willing to offer Bordeaux the £5million he found down the back of the Chesterfield in his palatial office.

Chamakh arguably offers a better prospect than other targets as while unproven in English football, he is just 25-years of age.

His contract with the French Champions does, however, expire next summer and he is rumoured to be keen on seeing out this deal and joining Arsenal on a free next year, enjoying the benefits of the signing-on fee and Royal Doulton china tea-set he can expect.

3. History

Last season’s corresponding fixture is the nadir of Gianfranco Zola’s tenure.

To go down 2-0 with barely a whimper was a real disappointment and almost as unexpected as the sight of Ledley King putting Spurs one up. This is a man with a compacted ball of biscuit crumbs for a knee, out-jumping our entire defence at a corner.

Always striving for improvement in the exasperation stakes, we then allowed none other than feared Scot, Jamie O’Hara to score a 25-yard thunderbolt on the break, having just seen a Carlton Cole effort cleared off the line in the dying seconds.

Everyone left the stadium that night ruefully staring at their bootlaces, cursing the players for a sore lack of effectiveness.

Our recent history against tottenham has been a source of embarrassment for some years, particularly as one assumes that the fixture’s importance to the fans must filter through to the players, from a Mark Noble, a Fanzine or a disgruntled Pearly King.

Harry’s voodoo over us since leaving Upton Park only adds to the chagrin and this is certainly an opponent against whom we are owed a performance or two.

4. Land Of The Giants

With the World Cup less than a year away, competition for places is hotting up and opportunities to shine drying up.

It’s clear that Fabio Capello plans on using a big target man and the two main contenders should be on view this Sunday.

Peter Crouch returned to his boyhood club this summer for £9million and continues to cast his hat into the ring by showing just what can be done with Twiglets for legs, a fit girlfriend and a cheeky one-liner.

He has however been ousted in recent months by our own Carlton Cole, who has shown sufficient form to be considered the current front-runner.

While fairly evenly matched in the air and on the deck, Cole is better at holding off opponents and bringing others into play, thanks to having upper body strength superior to that of an elderly meerkat.

If he can add 20 goals this season, he should be able to see off that rampaging super spider once and for all.

5. Picture Book

Harry Redknapp enjoyed 'catching up' with Luis Boa Morte

6. Hey, Big Spender

tottenham’s main signings this summer were Sebastian Bassong from Newcastle and Peter Crouch from Portsmouth.

Redknapp has fashioned an image as a crafty, wheeler-dealer type, adept at unearthing lesser known talents or conjuring an Indian Summer out of the odd veteran.

It often goes unreported however that for every Paolo DiCanio, there is a Florin Raducioiu, for every Marc Vivien-Foe, a Marco Boogers.

More recently, ‘Arry has adopted the guise of Fagin, a wizened old degenerate not to be trusted, who can call upon a regular gabble of adoring, uneducated halfwits, happy to follow him wherever the biggest bag of swag decrees.

I look forward to the day when Redknapp takes the natural Dickensian progression onto a Miss Faversham, whirling around the centre circle of Upton Park ablaze in a crumpled wedding dress.

7. Prophet And Loss

In last week’s preview for Wolves, I omitted a section at the last minute demanding improvement from Mark Noble.

I proffered the opinion that he has had plenty of time to consolidate his first team spot and while he is often solid, this is the season to take it up a notch and assert himself as a proper goal-scoring midfielder.

His display on Saturday therefore came as bittersweet, for I am now unable to contend that either Noble or indeed anyone takes on board a single thing written in these pages.

This week I have omitted a section whereby I make a cracking argument for Jermaine Defoe’s assassination and am eager to see how that pans out.

Wolves 0 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-08-17T10:58:00.027+01:00

1. Welcome Back

I considered writing a season preview - Hell, I might even still do it - but I didn't want to overwhelm you with more than one post during a summer.

As such, we pick up where we left off, under a sweltering sun playing against a team who don't appear to be good enough for this division. Which is not to say that I really expected us to win this game, but merely to emphasise that things don't really seem all that different to last year to me.

2. Doom! And Gloom!

This was painted by the media as a decidedly tricky game to begin with. Away to a promoted side, who would be revelling in their Premiership experience and boosted by a boisterous home crowd. Now, I'm really not sure that a crowd can ever have that much impact on a game of football, and certainly not enough to make Jody Craddock into a Premiership footballer. He is after all, intrinsically still Jody Craddockian.

So while I'm not denying that the atmosphere at a football game can be inspirational, I simply can't agree that the basic skills of the participants can be altered by singing "Hi Ho Silver Lining".

There is no doubt, however, that promoted sides can be tricky to face on opening day, as evidenced by their record over the past 4 years - 5 wins, 4 draws, 3 losses - in their opening home fixtures. So, yes, this was a valuable win, but it won't look quite so flash after everyone else has won at Molineux by next May.

3. The Statistics

On another day this game could have ended up differently. Certainly we were the better team but I am not sure that we were dominant, so much as comfortable. As is often the case for newly promoted teams, our attacking play had a sharper edge to it, and the goal from Noble, especially, was evidence of the higher class of player available to us.

Overall, we shaded possession at 53% and crucially had twice as many efforts on target as the home side with 10 to their 5. We also managed to get caught offside 7 times which, frankly, hurts my spleen.

Robert Green was called into action early in the second half by Nenad Milijas, Wolves new signing, who astutely realised that most of his team mates were pretty crap and therefore that he was going channel Martin Petrov, and shoot at every opportunity no matter where he was on the pitch. Apart from this 5 minute shooting gallery, there was little to perturb our back four, even allowing for the mysterious presence of Julien Faubert at right back.

4. The Opposition

Yes, it's early, and yes they had a few injuries but Wolves weren't especially impressive here. Both Kightly and Doyle were out with injuries, thus depriving them of arguably their two best players for all I know, although admittedly if forced to write all I know about Wolves I would need only a HB pencil and the back of a postage stamp.

Doubtless for Wolves, they would have viewed this as an eminently winnable game given our historic propensity to travel with all the strength of the Zimbabwean dollar. Sadly for them, this is a different West Ham, and apart from the aforementioned little flurry after half time, there wasn't much to see here.

Of course, since then they have won at Wigan which should encourage them that the League is filled with quite a lot of dross, and if I were them I wouldn't consider it an impossible task to finish above any of Burnley, Hull, Stoke, Wigan, Blackburn, Birmingham or Bolton. I'd have to assume that less Greg Halford would be more beneficial though.

5. The Referee

Chris Foy is a referee about whom I can recall very little off the top of my head. In this game there wasn't a huge amount to get excited about, although naturally the home fans declared themselves tremendously aggrieved about most of the early decisions.

Again - less Greg Halford would help here.

6. I Love You

Gianfranco Zola appears to have mastered the "Wachoofuckinlookinat" pose.

Before we get too much further into the season I wanted to commit to print a brief discourse on the tremendous job that Zola is doing. In the face of overwhelming odds (i.e: Scott Duxbury thought it was a good idea), Zola was awarded the job last season and barring a stumble in November he has been stellar ever since.

Looked at in a vacuum, the results aren't especially wondrous, but the turnaround in the style of play, and the general resilience has been a marvellous thing to behold. As the squad has become gradually weaker, Zola has fashioned a pattern of play and a method which remains constant even as the personnel change.

Even last year he was winning at places like Stoke with only Tristan and di Michele to call upon up front, which is like successfully invading Russia with a boy scout troop.

It was exactly that kind of fortitude that showed here again. Cole up front with Jiminez and Dyer behind definitely smacked of being too lightweight for this game, but in the end we were very worthy winners.

Zola's greatest challenge may very well be off the pitch, as he struggles to preserve his squad in the face of the potential asset stripping ahead, but whatever it is that he is doing is working and he deserves huge praise for the job currently being done.

(Beating tottenham would be, like totally alright though Franco).

7. I Hate You

Phil Brown appears to have mastered the "I'mafuckintwat" pose.

Apropos of nothing much at all but Phil Brown appeared on national television dressed like this at the weekend. Even if you disagree with the points made at No. 6, then you'd have to agree that things could certainly be worse.

(Many thanks to loyalish reader Liam for the heads up on this crime against Jean Paul Gaultier)

8. Kudos

Mark Noble's opener was beautifully taken and certainly the first of it's type that I can recall us scoring for quite a while. My suspicion is that had it not gone in he would have been denied a place at Kieron and Carlton's Family Poker game on the bus ride home as both were better placed. great strike though, big season for Noble, World Cup blah blah blah *blows head off*.

9. Slightly Less Kudos

Jonathan Spector came on for a somewhat dazed Herita Ilunga, and proceeded to have three touches of the ball that were not so much "good" as "totally egregious". No harm came of it, and I still like Spector's attitude, versatility and haircut, but Christ he could only have started this season worse if he'd somehow impaled Robert Green.

10. Welcome Back!

Glad to have you all back reading again. Beluga and I have sat down and really analysed our output last season and decided that, yes, we really are quite lazy. So now you know...

Wolverhampton Wanderers vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 15/08/2009

2009-08-13T19:45:00.006+01:00

1. Is It That Time Already?

It could be a case of "art" imitating life, or more likely a chronic lack of preparation, but I have followed West Ham's lead by leaving it 'til the last possible moment before preparing in earnest for the start of a new season.

Like the Hammers, the odd pass may go astray, I may not be at 100% match fitness, but thankfully we both have access to those splendid halftime hot-dogs - 'the greatest in the world'.

2. Opposition

We open our account this season with the glamour tie of the round - a visit to Wolverhampton. As uninspiring as this may be, it is the proverbial banana skin and a game from which I would be happy to escape with a draw.

Wolves have been guided to the Premier League by manager Mick McCarthy, who has been in the hot-seat there for three years.

I admire McCarthy for the way he stood up to Roy Keane's shameful mutiny in World Cup 2002 while he was Republic of Ireland manager, but am less enamoured with his association with Millwall (see you on the 25th).

Regardless of his team's competitiveness (McCarthy's Premiership win percentage is a staggering 5.4%), he will doubtless provide some competition for Steve Bruce in the Angular Hooter stakes.

Their biggest and somewhat surprising signing of the summer was that of Kevin Doyle from Reading for £6.5million. The Irish international was briefly linked with us last season (primarily by HeadHammer Shark) and his form this year will be key to Wanderer's survival.

Wolves have also very recently confirmed the season-long loan of Michael Mancienne from Chelsea. The mini-Predator will likely feature this weekend.

3. Summer Signings

In the not too distant past, we have made some close-season signings as ropey as Madonna's arms. This year we decided to buck that trend by making hardly any.

Our transfer activity has been altogether more subdued than... well, anyone. The standout moment came early on with the loan acquisition of playmaker Luis Jiminez from Inter Milan.

Jiminez is supposed to be the kind of player we've sorely lacked since the days of Benayoun and Tevez, and he displayed some nice, composed touches against Napoli in our last pre-season friendly.

Swiss left-back Fabio Daprela was another signing and a permanent one, signing a 5-year deal from the best named club in Europe, Grasshoppers Club Zurich.

Other than that, Luis Boa Morte od'd on Chinese opium again and will spend around 5-months zig-zagging his way back from the Far East.

For all Carlton Cole's excellent work, we are in dire need of a striker who is not hooked up to all manner of life-support machines.

Luca Toni of Bayern Munich and Eidur Gudjohnsen of Barcelona have both been touted recently and for me, it's Gudjohnsen all the way. I've seen Toni miss some absolute sitters for club and country, and LBM's got that market cornered thank you very much.

Also, if Julian Faubert starts at right-back ahead of Jonathan 'The Scourge Of Brazil' Spector, then we may as well all pack up and go home now.

4. How Much Is That Aussie In The Window?

One of the more protracted stories of the summer has been the next thunderous step in the career of tubby old Lucas Neill.

Neill rejected our intial contract offer, undoubtedly due to money as we were no longer willing to pay a King's ransom for his services.

Rumours persisted of a move to Galatasaray, then Man City, then Sunderland and it emerged this week that there remains an offer on the table from West Ham, which Neill has graciously put "on the shortlist", nestling as it does between 'bags more cash' and 'don't forget to buy four-dozen apple turnovers'.

Neill is obviously not alone in his mindset as a money-grabbing professional footballer, and his previous isn't good seeing as he chose us over Liverpool. But, attempting to adopt a neutral perspective, given his age, the fact he is captain, his already sizeable bank balance and his near-guaranteed place in our starting XI, money-aside I fail to see where he will get a better deal.

But cash is king and only time will tell what Lucas values more - a few extra grand a week or professional pride and access to 'the greatest hot-dogs in the world'.

5. History

We haven't played Wolves since our last stint in The Championship in 2004/'05, when our visit to Molineux resulted in a 4-2 defeat.

Hater-of-the-handicapped, Glenn Hoddle was in charge at the time and with things all square at 2-2 after 60 minutes, up stepped 'JUDAS!' Paul Ince to score a third before Carl Cort put things beyond us.

We have only managed two wins from our last seven visits to Wolves, but these matches span the last 25-years and can not fairly reflect the present day, so this sentence is largely useless.

The danger is of course that Wolves are newly-promoted and brimming with pre-season optimism. It will be a packed house and one promoted team always gets off to a flyer.

Failing a dominant display of total football from ourselves, we're pretty much on a hiding to nothing.

6. Picture Book

Joe public is asked for his verdict on the new home kit:

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 4)

2009-06-24T13:16:00.018+01:00

I forgot Freddie Sears! Which is easily done.

Freddie Sears : Appearances - 7 (15)

Awful.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Middlesbrough (a)

The Manager

In our brave, new, post Curbishley world it is fair to say that most were fairly underwhelmed by the prospect of an untried, untested Italian at the helm. I never personally cared that he was ex-Chelsea, as the policy of employing former West Ham men had yielded nothing worth shouting about for some time, but that was also widely held against Gianfranco Zola as he began his tenure at Upton Park.

After an early spark, however, the fears seemed to be well founded. The team were looking good, admittedly, but the results were seemingly based on those of the Labour Party. We mustered just 1 win in 12 between October 5th and Boxing Day, and sat forlornly in the bottom 4 with only tottenham's enduring shittiness for comfort.

The thing that most sticks out in my memory from this period is of Zola consistently hailing the players for playing in the right manner, with the right approach and with the necessary desire. At the time I questioned this, thinking that if the players were doing all of these things and still not winning then that might be telling you something about the quality of the players. As it transpired, Zola agreed - out went Mullins and Faubert and in came Collison and Noble. A tremendous draw at Chelsea was the turning point as we went on a run of just 1 loss in 10 games with the newer set up.

As the season stuttered to a halt, we were beset by injuries. This culminated in Zola deploying Lucas Neill in a central midfield role, which is an idea never before conceived of in either Heaven or Earth. And yet still we continued to pick up points.

By year end we had stumbled out of the Europa League, which is no great hardship, but crucially had the opportunity to further blood the likes of Stanislas and Tomkins whilst perhaps confirming that the likes of di Michele and Tristan are not going to be workable medium term solutions for us.

In summary, I cannot praise Zola enough for the work he has done this season. There has been a visible transformation in the way we play, whereby I am no longer stultifyingly bored after an hour of our games. He has injected confidence into the likes of Cole, Collison and Parker and established a sensible, well thought out framework for the way we wish to play. Certainly he has benefited from having Steve Clarke alongside him, but given that he was being solely blamed for our dismal October form, then so he should be feted at the end of a (relatively) triumphant season.

I still query the nature of our transfer policy, and worry greatly about the apparent disinterest in buying British players but those are issues for another time. For the moment, let us pay tribute to a manager who has reinvigorated the club in his first Premiership season. Let's hope he doesn't go the same way as the last bloke to do that...

Rating : 8/10

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

The H List End of Year Awards

A slightly different format this year in so much as I'll just put my winners and losers up here and you can "all" vote in the comments section if you feel motivated to do so.

Player of the Year

Winner : Herita Ilunga
Also considered: Carlton Cole, Matthew Upson

This one wasn't even particularly close to my mind, and marks the third straight year of me giving it to the incumbent left back, which is, well...weird.

Ilunga was consistent, strong in attack and defence and managed a nice line in getting away with rather obvious handballs. Does look to have the potential to do a Sebastien Schemmel on us, but this award is about the season just gone and not the future. I am slightly mystified as to why Scott Parker won the official award given his rather hefty stints on the sidelines, but either way he doesn't get a look in here. He'll be devastated.

Performance of the Year (Team)

Winner: Chelsea (a)
Also considered: Portsmouth (a), Liverpool (a), Hull (h)

Perhaps not the most glamorous result, but a fine one none the less. We took the lead through Bellamy, coughed it up to Salomon Kalou of all people, and should have won it when Cole was clean through in the last minute.

This game also signalled the arrival of Collison and the death knell for the Faubert/Mullins/Bowyer types who had been trundling along at the bottom of the league.

Performance of the Year (Individual)

Winner : Matthew Upson (Liverpool, a)
Also considered : Carlton Cole (Newcastle, h), Craig Bellamy (Portsmouth, a), Lucas Neill (Stoke, a)

A slightly left field choice perhaps, as it came in the midst of a splendid team performance but Upson was imperious at Anfield and found the sub Torresian Liverpool attack to be fairly inept. It was this rich vein of form that coincided with his elevation to the full England team and indeed may yet see him move on. I'm not actually sure it was better than Bellamy at Portsmouth, but I don't know if I can find it within myself to give awards to Bellamy, especially one this prestigious.

Best Goal

Winner: Carlton Cole (Wigan, a)
Also considered : Mark Noble (Blackburn, a), Jack Collison (Everton, h), Radoslav Kovac (Everton, a)

A fairly easy decision this, as Cole scored not only the best West Ham goal, but the best Premier League goal of the season. A deft one touch passing move involving 5 players saw him free just inside the box and his instinctive finish was one of a man in supreme form. He duly got himself sent off 8 minutes later, just to remind us all that we do still support West Ham after all.

Worst Player

Winner : David di Michele
Also considered : Freddie Sears, Luis Boa Morte, Julien Faubert

I am slightly torn about even having this category as my review of Boa Morte's season in Part 3 earned me some t'internet opprobrium. However, persist I have, and di Michele just snatches it away from Faubert by virtue of the fact that he played in many more games and therefore impacted upon our (mis)fortunes to a greater degree.

I will say this though. Compared to previous seasons, this category was not especially hotly contested.

Worst Team Performance

Winner : tottenham (h)
Also considered : Man City (a), West Brom (h), Hull (a)

Another category that has really cooled off in recent years. Under Redknapp and Roeder you were absolutely guaranteed a 5 goal whupping somewhere on the road, whereas nowadays we have to make do with the annual abject shitfest that is our home game with tottenham.

This year we managed to concede a goal to Ledley King, which is ridiculous, and one to Jamie O'Hara, which is impossible, whilst simultaneously making Huerelho Gomes look Not Appalling. I am very much ready for us to beat them now, Gianfranco.

Worst Individual Performance

Winner : Robert Green (Bolton, h)
Also considered : David di Michele (Liverpool, h), Julien Faubert (Liverpool, a)

It happens. A "3" on the Robinson-Gomes scale of appalling goalkeeping, crowned off by allowing Matthew Taylor to score from somewhere in Plaistow. Arguably no worse than either of the other two mentioned, but it was exacerbated by the fact that it cost us the game.

Best Opposition (Team)

Winner : Liverpool (h)
Also considered: Man Utd (a), Watford (a)

I was slightly perturbed to see that over the course of the season, and just judging performances against us, that this was not an easy award to make. In the end, Liverpool's uber comfortable 3-0 win at Upton Park was the best 90 minutes I saw this year, which may say more about our own improvement than anything else.

In theory Everton deserved greater consideration for their results, but if it's possible to unluckily lose 3-1 twice, then that's exactly what we did.

Best Opposition (Player)

Winner : Kevin Davies (Bolton, h)
Also considered: Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd, a), Vincent Kompany (Man City, a), Brad Friedel (Aston Villa, h)

Laugh, sure. Who wouldn't. But in terms of influencing games against us it's hard to ignore Davies and his magic elbows. I can't think of a player in the League who gets more out of less than Kevin Cyril Davies. I still strongly advocate buying him purely so he can never play against us.

Best Opposition Goal

Winner : Paul Konchesky (Fulham, h)
Also considered : Matthew Taylor (Bolton, h), Matthew Taylor (Bolton, a), Ryan Giggs (Man Utd, h)

Wallop. Never did it for us. Except once. Accidentally. In a Cup Final.

Worst Opposition Team (sponsored by Middlesbrough FC)

Winner : Stoke City
Also considered : Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Newcastle United

A real shame for the Boro as not only do they get relegated, but they summarily fail to cling on to their H List title. Despite a valiant effort on the last day of the season they simply could not top the whining, snarling, hoofing, abject dross that was Stoke City. So bad they started to beat each other up in the centre circle after we equalised.

A terrible, terrible football team.

The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposing Player

Winner : Michael Dawson (tottenham)
Also considered : Craig Gordon (Sunderland), Steven Taylor (Newcastle), Caicedo (Man City)

A truly sterling victory for Mike as he didn't even manage a game against us and still held on to his title, the useless lanky twat.

Elsewhere we have been linked with two of my other potential nominees. Marvellous.

Don't forget to leave your own votes below. I'll tally them up and post them at a later date when you will have no recollection of the events in question...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 3)

2009-06-17T12:11:00.041+01:00

Kyel Reid : Appearances - 0 (2), Goals - 1

I am sure that Kyel Reid is a tremendously nice human being who doesn't staple vagrants to horses, but as far as his football career goes, he is essentially a mollusc.

Perhaps his biggest defect is his inability to cross the ball, which despite afflicting every England left winger since John Barnes, is invariably not a positive attribute.

I can't believe he'll be with us next year, and thus I wish him all the best with his career in the lower leagues, and the countless occasions on which he is going to have to spell his first name out for others.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Junior Stanislas : Appearances - 7 (2), Goals - 2, Bookings - 1

In the history of Jamaican-Lithuanian footballers I'd say Junior Stanislas is the best we've seen at the Boleyn. Of all the newly blooded youngsters this year it would definitely be young Junior who has made the biggest impact, even in spite of the weird decision to play him wide on the left.

Whether he'll be able to sustain that impact over a full season is debatable, but he's done enough to earn a decent shot at it. I'd still like to see him show a bit more composure in possession, and display the odd trick or two to enable him to get past a defender every now and again, but by Jove he inspires less lactic acid than Etherington or Boa Morte.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (h)

Forwards

Dean Ashton : Appearances - 5, Goals - 2

Once upon a time Dean Ashton was really pretty good. He played in a Cup Final and terrorised Jamie Carragher, despite being (shockingly) half fit. He was then called into the England squad, where he managed to come off second best in a challenge with Shaun Wright Phillips which is impossible unless you are required to live in a plastic bubble or are 9 years old.

He was then operated on by Dr Nick Riviera who accidentally removed all bone from his ankle and replaced it with blancmange. Two years later we are still waiting to see if he's ever going to recover the form that once made him a feared proposition up and down the land.

Dean Ashton's surgeon is confident that he'll be back in action soon.

If Ashton returns then you would have to imagine that Zola would be a good manager for him, given his propensity for ball playing centre forwards, but I'm not going to be holding my breath waiting for it.

Scored more goals than Sears, Boa Morte, Dyer, Parker and Faubert combined, despite playing in only 5 games. Make of that what you will.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Wigan (h)

Craig Bellamy : Appearances - 14 (3), Goals - 5, Bookings - 5

It really does seem like an awfully long time ago, but once upon a time we had Craig Bellamy playing for us. It was a typically brief affair, and ended as acrimoniously as is conceivably possible, but for a while there he was flourishing under Zola.

By the time we got to Portsmouth on Boxing Day, the Welshman was in flying form and duly ripped apart a home team who could scarcely believe their eyes as a West Ham side scored 4 away from home without the appearance of Biblical storms. In fairness to Bellamy his effort on the field can never be questioned, but it was an incredibly artless exit, even by his standards, the feckless idiot.

He'll spend a season at Man City until they buy a fitter, younger, better less Goblinish replacement, at which point he might well look back with a tinge of regret at this move. Unlikely, I'd agree, given the £100k a week wage packet but you never know.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Portsmouth (a)

Carlton Cole : Appearances - 32 (2), Goals - 11, Bookings - 3, Sent Off - 2

If Bellamy's season was totally predictable then Cole's was the very antithesis as he bloomed from bacterial spore to a fully fledged red blood cell, integral to the health of the side.

Cole's resurgence actually began under Curbishley as he flourished in the lone frontman role, but the Zola/Clarke axis have added several new strings to the bow, culminating in Cole being called up for the England squad and generally looking a million miles removed from the player who arrived from Chelsea.

He scored the best goal of the Premier League season at Wigan, although it owed much to the pass from di Michele and therefore some sort of Faustian pact, but it was still ace none the less.

I still wonder if he can actually play with Ashton, but then I also wonder what would happen if you cross bred a raccoon with a shark, and each question has as much validity as the other.

Rating : 8/10

Best Performance : Newcastle (h)

David di Michele : Appearances - 25 (9), Goals - 4, Bookings - 5

Last year I asked a good friend of mine what it was he actually did for a living. His answer involved the International Maritime Organisation, boats, measuring stuff and ballast. I am still no closer to understanding what he does to earn a crust but that's ok, because we're friends and he explained enough about it for me to understand that there is a requirement for someone to do the job, even if I don't actually understand why.

I do not understand what David di Michele's job description is, nor do I understand why he has to do it.

He started brightly enough, with a double at home to Newcastle, although the lustre soon faded from that achievement as the Geordies proceeded to allow half the adult males in the nation to score against them during the rest of the season. Di Michele also turned in one virtuoso performance at home to Hull, but otherwise he was basically Paulo Wanchope without the goals.

Possibly the most frustrating player ever to turn out for us, and the list of people whom I would rather see bearing down on goal for a late one on one includes Dean Ashton, Carlton Cole, Freddie Sears, Dora the Explorer, Queen Elizabeth II and my 18 month old daughter. He is a shockingly, shockingly bad finisher.

So long, farewell, don't sign this guy again.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Hull (h)

Zavon Hines : Appearances - 0 (1), Goals - 1

Came on against Macclesfield and scored. I have literally no other knowledge of Zavon Hines, although I'm willing to bet that if he ever scored a winning Premier League goal for us, it would inspire The Sun to use "He's Zavon A Laugh!" as their headline.

He is touted as a good striking prospect, and he did score a fair few goals this year for the reserves, but then again so did Freddie Sears at that level, and he went on to become an arachnid.

Weird name alright.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Savio : Appearances - 1 (10), Bookings - 2

It is not every day that West Ham spend £9m so when we do it bears a bit of scrutiny. In actual fact, we probably didn't spend anywhere near that much up front on Savio, but it was certainly a good headline for the club, as the Board was busy trousering a quite substantial sum from the January fire sale.

It's hard to tell much about the German-Ugandan at this point, other than that he is fairly small and will need to bulk up a bit to survive any further trips to Bolton, but in general I am fairly well disposed towards a policy of buying young talent and developing them, rather than splurging millions on middle of the road ageing types a la Curbishley.

As such, I don't intend to expect too much from Savio until a couple of years down the road by which time I will expect him to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Manchester City (h)

Diego Tristan : Appearances - 8 (9), Goals - 3

Once upon a time, in 2002, David Beckham broke his metatarsal in a match against Deportivo la Coruna, placing his participation at the World Cup in doubt. You may remember this because English people were expecting us to win that World Cup even though our team for the first game included Emile Heskey and (seriously) Darius Vassell.

Anyway, during the aforementioned match, Deportivo featured the most feared striker in Europe at the time. His name was (seriously) Diego Tristan.

Now of course, we were all a bit different in 2002. For instance I had a flat stomach, a functioning pair of knees and savings at that time. However, I look a model of success compared to Diego who has declined so far that he is now considered as a lesser force than (seriously) David di Michele.

I make no judgement on Tristan. We paid nothing for him and in the end he was good for 6 points against Stoke so we could argue that he fulfilled a purpose. I prefer him to di Michele. Mind you, I prefer Diego from Dora the Explorer to di Michele.

Shoot David di Michele.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Stoke (a)

No Easily Discernible Position

Luis Boa Morte : Appearances - 17 (15), Bookings - 8

When I was 5 years old my father decided that the time was right for me to be exposed to the nonsensically over competitive world of Sunday morning football. He took me along to a training session at local club Gidea Park Rangers, and a football career was started. It transpired that playing for GPR was incredibly fortuitous as we went on to become one of the best youth sides in London and Essex, which was and remains the premier source of footballing talent in England(*). Indeed, with time GPR would produce an England captain in Tony Adams, but nobody realised this when I was playing there because Adams was just a drunk in the Arsenal reserves at that point.

Anyway, this is not to say that I was especially talented myself, but I played with a lot of guys who were. By the time we reached the under 14 age group the team had to be disbanded because every one of us had been signed up by a professional team, and consequently were being restricted in the amount we could play. Even the much vaunted Senrab were no match for our side at that time, although my GPR team produced only two professionals and one reality TV star so didn't achieve the same notoriety.

I was signed by Charlton where I played with Lee Bowyer and once marked future Everton "star" Michael Branch out of a game - an achievement that diminished quite a lot once Michael Branch began to be marked out of games by every other centre back in England. Although I was enjoying myself at Charlton, mainly because they gave us a Mars bar and a can of Coke after each session, they eventually dropped me. I signed on with Queens Park Rangers, where there was less Coke before eventually leaving the youth team ranks at the age of 15. I didn't cry - I wasn't good enough nor did I care enough.

I drifted around a bit then, playing a good standard of youth football until I reached 18, at which point I just played for mates teams. I enjoyed the camaraderie of the dressing room, and the opportunity to still convince myself that I could have made it if I only had a slightly different genetic make up, and weighed less. Sadly at 25, I ruptured my right cruciate ligament whilst performing a typically balletic Cruyff turn and missed 2 years of football. I would later return but the knee couldn't hold up, and by this time I had more daughters than a man could rightfully expect to father in a 3 year period. At 29 I retired, and somewhere a bugler played a mournful lament for the end of a heroically moderate career.

Why do I tell you this? Today, right now, with my knackered knee and spare tyre, and the fitness level of asthmatic sloth - I am a better footballer than Luis Boa Morte.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (h)

(*) Contrary to the nonsense spouted by Geordies there are very few footballers produced in the North East. The only notable one in recent times is Michael Carrick who came through the West Ham academy and therefore doesn't count anyway.

P.S: Part 4 will focus on the Manager and give you the chance to vote in the never popular H List End of Year Awards. Bet you can't wait ...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 2)

2009-06-05T11:12:00.046+01:00

Midfielders

Valon Behrami : Appearances - 27, Goals - 2, Bookings - 5

When I heard that we had signed Valon Behrami I just shrugged in that uber cool, but still quite attractive, way that I do. "So what?" I wondered. And for the first few games my insouciance seemed reasonable as Behrami ran around a lot but failed to have any tangible impression on anything.

Then, one winning goal at Sunderland later, he was off and by the time he got injured in our 1-0 win over Man City in March he had established himself as our indisputable Player of the Season Except for Injury.

One hopes that he is able to return in the same condition as he left - although with our elite medical staff it is entirely possible that he could return minus a limb - as we will depend on him greatly again next year.

Lovely highlights too. One for the lay-deez.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

Lee Bowyer : Appearances - 5 (2), Goals - 1, Bookings - 1

It takes some doing to be a total fucking waste of space not once but twice in your career. This is Bowyer's second spell with us, and the second time that I have decided he is simply not worth the hassle and the bad press.

In some ways he actually seems like a Zola player, as his game revolved around passing and (increasingly slow) movement. However, after a series of decreasingly effective performances before Christmas he was thanked for his hard work and banished to Birmingham where the fans really didn't like him.

Now out of contract I suspect he will drop down the divisions and score 3 goals in 26 appearances for Cardiff. But I can't be sure.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Jack Collison : Appearances - 19 (4), Goals - 3, Bookings - 2

In a season where several players took great strides forward, it is hard to think of anyone who progressed further than Welshman Collison. Hailing from the heartland of the Principality (Watford), he first appeared as a half time sub at Old Trafford and thereafter became an integral part of the team quicker than you could say "Bye Bye Matty".

Playing out of position on the left, he is often compared to Michael Carrick, although I think he's probably closer to Lampard, sans the spare tyre, at the same age, in the eyes of this untrained observer. Either way, he has blossomed under Zola like no other, and with a pre season behind him could well be our most important player next season.

Also wins "Most Painful Injury of the Season" award after dislocating his knee at Wigan. Shit, I wince just typing that out.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Portsmouth (a)

Kieron Dyer : Appearances - 1 (7)

He lives! On one hand it's hard to imagine exactly how one solitary man can get so very many injuries without being a cage fighter. On the other hand this is the medical staff that failed to diagnose that Freddie Ljungberg had a broken hip when he played for us, so perhaps he should be congratulated for still having all his toes.

I am still enamoured about the idea of Kieron Dyer. Once upon a time he was really quite good, but I rather suspect those days are long behind. Whether he can ever recapture some of that form or fitness is debatable, but any attempt would be greatly appreciated.

I actually rather like the idea of Dyer as a late impact substitute when his pace could stretch tiring defences. Mind you - £6m for a supersub is a bit bloody pricey.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Aston Villa (a)

Matthew Etherington : Appearances - 9 (6), Goals - 2

Here's a weird fact - Matthew Etherington didn't pick up a booking whilst with us, primarily because he does not tackle or run backwards. After moving to Mordor and playing 14 times for Stoke he has now managed 3 yellows and a red card.

In some ways, I was sad to see Etherington go, possibly because he was the last real link to that famous first season in the Premiership under Pardew. Truthfully however he had been coasting here for a while and did not appear to have the requisite technical ability to play in Zola's new fangled fashion.

I wonder if we ever got those gambling debts back. Turns out we could have used the money.

Rating : 4/10

Best Performance : Fulham (a)

Julien Faubert : Appearances - 19 (5), Bookings - 3

Of the West Ham players most likely to be loaned to Real Madrid I would have had Julien Faubert behind Vic Watson, who died in 1988, aged 90.

The fact that we paid £6.7m for Faubert rather boggles the mind when you consider that other than Bellamy and Ashton we had never before shelled out that much on a player. In light of this may I strongly suggest that you do not allow Alan Curbishley to have any input into to your future investment decisions.

Apparently smokes 20 a day, which suggests to me that his "TGV" nickname might well have been the first recorded instance of the French being "ironic".

Rating : 3/10

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Radoslav Kovac : Appearances - 9 (1), Goals - 1, Bookings - 2

When we first signed Kovac from Spartak Moscow it didn't seem immediately obvious to anyone what exactly he was going to be doing that Hayden Mullins couldn't. Of course, I'm an admitted Mullins fan, but Kovac's 5 yard passing range didn't overly excite me I must confess.

As he was having trouble fitting in with the rest of the lads, Kovac then got himself suspended from the Czech national squad over an incident involving late night drinking and prostitutes. Respect now earned, he began to settle into our midfield and he even slipped in a marvellous 35 yard thunderbolt at Everton that Hayden Mullins could not have scored if he sold his soul to Victoria Beckham.

I would not object to Kovac signing as a squad player for a reasonable fee, although anything over £1.5m would strike me as excessive, particularly given our current bank balance of £12.91.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Wigan (a)

Hayden Mullins : Appearances - 8 (13), Goals - 1, Bookings - 2

I'll admit there was a tear in my eye when I heard we had accepted a bid from Portsmouth for our erstwhile midfield whateverhewas. Mullins was a H List favourite even though it was his presence that initially forced us to give up on the useless Javier Mascherano - although I blame that decision on Alan Pardew's loins and not Hayden Mullins.

In the event of Curbishley going, he was always unlikely to play in a Zola team ahead of Parker and Noble, but was a very handy squad player to have around. In fairness to the club they did not object to him wanting to play more regularly and thus moved him on for the presumably cheaper Kovac.

Scored a tremendous goal at Middlesbrough that unfortunately took a deflection on the way rendering it not quite as good as it could have been. An apt summary of Mullins if ever there was one.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Liverpool (a)

Mark Noble : Appearances - 33 (1), Goals - 5, Bookings - 8, Sent Off - 1

It's hard to think of a player who divides opinion more than Noble, the Marmite of the West Ham midfield. Prevailing opinion seems to be that because he is a local lad he deserves a break when he doesn't perform so well, whilst the alternative view is that because he is a local lad he should be flogged on the steps of East Ham town hall for a misplaced pass.

Of course, the answer lies somewhere in between (he should be flogged in Plaistow), but I would certainly like to see an upturn in his form over the next year, especially under Zola's tutelage.

To give some balance, I should point out that he scored a goal at Blackburn of tremendous quality. Had it been scored by Steven Gerrard we would have seen Alan Hansen smear himself in goose fat live on Match of the Day in sheer pleasure.

Rating : 6/10

Best Performance : Blackburn (a)

Scott Parker : Appearances - 31 (1), Goals - 1, Bookings - 8

Although Parker may have won the mass vote for Hammer of the Year, as Carlos Tevez knows only too well, that doesn't cut any ice with me. I initially thought that Parker must have one leg shorter than the other, given his ridiculous propensity for wheeling around in circles, but over the course of this season he emerged as a major player for us.

It was his energy and drive that really propelled us through our strong January run, and by the end of the season we were noticeably sagging in his absence. Of course, this could have been alleviated if he had a recovery time of less than 8 weeks for absolutely any injury, which seems to currently be the case, but given our medical team let's just be glad he is still alive.

Should probably be in the England squad but I shall not complain about that as we all know that nothing good can ever come of a West Ham player turning out for England.

Rating : 7/10

Best Performance : Bolton (a)

Josh Payne : Appearances - 0 (2)

Josh Payne's total West Ham experience amounts to 11 minutes in total. Curiously this is exactly the number of stepovers he managed in one particular swerving run against Liverpool.

Somewhere Dale Gordon is sitting in his bathrobe, stroking a purring cat.

Rating : 5/10

Best Performance : Really, really not applicable

P.S: The other day I was woken at 5am by my daughter for her early feed. As I was downstairs making up her bottle I got a TEXT from Mrs Shark asking me to bring her up a glass of water. This is what I am up against, people - so you'll get Part 3 when I'm good and ready. (Maybe tomorrow though, as Holby City is on tonight)...

The H List - End Of Year Ramblings (Part 1)

2009-06-01T10:59:00.048+01:00

And so another season disappears into the ether, as we are all left to ponder exactly why David di Michele is paid to pay football. But for your hard working bloggers at The H List, I am afraid that there is little chance for us to put our feet up as our tens of readers demand some sort of year end review, on top of the bi monthly match reports.

And thus, without further ado, we bring you our vaunted player reports for the 2008/09 season:

Goalkeepers

Robert Green : Appearances - 43

Green began the season with a "life changing" trek up Kilimanjaro and a visit to the slums of Kenya. No longer would he be "chasing the extra fiver" he declared, but instead he would be a tremendous human being and an all round good egg. This lasted all of two weeks before he was splashed across the red tops demanding a raise and pay parity with our top earners. I didn't object to the (valid) point, but the hypocrisy got to me a little. Which I think will wound Robert somewhere deep inside.

In fairness his on pitch form was once again exemplary, and apart from the Bolton debacle he was solid as the proverbial rock all season. Indeed, he should get a chance with England shortly if there is any justice. Which there isn't. So he will instead get to watch one of Paul Robinson, Scott Carson, Ben Foster, Cheryl Baker or Makka Pakka do it instead.

Didn't keep a clean sheet until November 15th, but thereafter managed an impressive 12. Would have benefited from a living breathing back four in the early parts of the season.

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

Rating: 7/10

Jan Lastuvka : Appearances - 1

Seriously, I don't know what you want me to say. Played once, away at Watford where he made an error for their goal. Thereafter, was never seen again, quite possibly because he was eaten by Lucas Neill, or because he took a wrong turn and wandered up Gareth Southgate's nose, or because Scott Duxbury sold him for scrap during our non fire sale fire sale in January.

Seems unlikely to return as he's on loan and didn't actually do anything whilst here, but what do I know. I thought Calum Davenport was a good buy.

Best Performance: Watford (a) (by default, cos he was quite shit)

Rating: 3/10

Defence

Lucas Neill : Appearances - 37, Goals - 1, Bookings -8

As I write this it seems that our captain is unlikely to return next year now that his £150,000 a day (Source: The Daily Mail) contract has expired. I, for one, will miss him if he does depart, as he has been a much undervalued player during his stint here. Began the year at left back, which was Curbishley's last cruel joke before leaving, and had a spell at centre back too when Zola went a bit mad before Christmas.

By season's end, however, he was playing somewhat excellently at right back, and looking rather more like the player who did so much to keep us up in 2007. He also made some cameo appearances in central midfield which was a decision that erred on the adventurous side of mental.

Managed a goal at West Brom, which isn't really remarkable for a professional footballer, but certainly is for a West Ham player.

Best Performance: Stoke City (a)

Rating : 6/10

Jonathan Spector : Appearances - 4 (5), Bookings - 1

Our resident American was injured for most of this year, largely as a result of our crack medical squad attempting to fix his injured hip using only office stationary and post it notes. When he did return he almost immediately got knocked unconscious in an aerial collision, although this did at least have the side effect of shaming Kieron Dyer into returning from his broken haircut injury.

In truth, if the Club persist with the idea of a small playing squad supplemented by various competition winners, squirrels and holograms then Spector is exactly the kind of player that we need given his pseudo versatility. Whether he has the requisite technical ability to play as Zola would like is questionable, but anyone who tries as hard as he does gets my support.

Best Performance: Blackburn (a)

Rating: 5/10

George McCartney : Appearances 1 (1)

It's pretty hard to recall, but the winner of the Not At All Coveted H List Player of the Year for the last two seasons did actually turn out for us this season. Sadly, he was promptly sold to Sunderland against his wishes (is there any other kind of sale to Sunderland?), and Curbishley resigned in furious protest. Or so the story goes.

At the time he was much lamented given his impeccable form of the previous two years, but in the event Ilunga was so good as his replacement that we barely missed a beat.

I shall miss him, if only for the Lennon/McCartney vibe that we used to get in games against tottenham.

Best Performance : Macclesfield (h)

Rating : 5/10

Herita Ilunga : Appearances - 39, Goals - 2, Bookings - 3

My fellow blogger, and sometimes marauding left back was the surprise hit of the season at The Boleyn. Immediately settled in by allowing West Brom score against us 4 minutes into his debut, but bounced back well and by the time we were challenging for the Europa League he was an integral part of our back 4.

Ilunga is slightly curious in that he doesn't appear to have a great deal of pace, but does tend to cover a lot of ground, and gets much further forward than Neill on the opposite flank. At the same time, he rarely gets exposed defensively, and has done a credible job against the best wingers in the division, and Aaron Lennon.

My concern, and it's a big one people, is that he's going to be the new Sebastien Schemmel and now that he is here permanently, will eat and drink his way out of the first team. Proceed with caution.

Best Performance : Bolton (h)

Rating : 8/10

Matthew Upson : Appearances - 41, Bookings - 2

Another remarkably consistent season from Upson, who once more exceeded expectations in terms of his fitness, and was rewarded for his continued excellence with a call up to the England squad. This was before they called up Gary Cahill and therefore still counted as an honour at that point.

Never the flashiest of operators, he was simply a model of professionalism all year, and his positive impact on James Tomkins was an additional boost. At this point my main hope is that he agrees to sign a new contract rather than dashing off to Villa or Man City, although given the likely hike in wages I doubt many would blame him for doing so.

I am still unable to determine if he is left or right footed. I am also unable to determine if this is a good or bad thing.

Best Performance : Liverpool (a)

Rating : 7/10

James Collins : Appearances - 20 (1), Bookings - 4

A frustrating season for the big Welshman, who endured a number of setbacks as he attempted to return from a bad ACL injury. Having had my own glittering career struck down by this particular knock I can sympathise with the amount of effort that will have gone into regaining his place, only to suffer a succession of niggling injuries that hampered his year.

When he did play it was business as usual. Solid and dependable against lower/mid table types, and prone to being slaughtered by elite forwards (Berbatov at Old Trafford springs glaringly to mind). He still distributes the ball with all the accuracy of a government economic forecast, but he does try exceptionally hard.

Put in a contender for individual performance of the season at Sunderland as he single handedly repelled Djibril Cisse and his ridiculous barnet.

Best Performance : Sunderland (a)

Rating : 5/10

James Tomkins : Appearances 14 (1), Goals - 1, Sent Off - 1

Friends, I have seen the future and thy name is Tomkins. The callow, willowy youth of last year is gone, and in his place is a genuine bona fide Premier League centre half. In fact, I would go so far as to say that James Collins may struggle to regain his place next year as Tomkins possesses better technique, pace and hair for the Premier League battles ahead.

Will be on international duty this summer, where I pray that he learns absolutely nothing from Steven Taylor, and spends no time eating with the coagulating fat mass that is Tom Huddlestone.

Somewhat sadly, it is his development that will eventually allow the Club to move on Upson, which is kind of a good business model and kind of a kick in the teeth. C'est la vie.

Best Performance : Stoke (a)

Rating : 7/10

Calum Davenport : Appearances - 8, Goals - 1, Bookings - 1, Major Strops - 1

Ah Calum, we hardly knew ye. Davenport began the year in the side and didn't perform too badly at all. Always a classy enough footballer, his big problem tended to be that he couldn't cope all that well with speedy forwards or strong winds, which often snapped him in half, such is his gangliness.

After a towering display in our 1-1 draw at Chelsea he threw a Mariah Careyian hissy fit when he was dropped for the home match with Stoke, as Zola decided that he needed someone a bit less namby pamby to cope with the visitors marauding Orc hordes.

Subsequently joined the exodus to Sunderland where he once more got to experience the joy of a relegation battle and trying to understand what on earth Anton Ferdinand thinks about. Seems unlikely to return either to the Boleyn or to Wearside but might well have a career as the bottom half of the giant doctor from Scrubs.

Best Performance : Chelsea (a)

Rating : 5/10

Walter Lopez : Appearances -1 (5)

The best Uruguayan we've ever had. Managed one whole game against Watford in the League Cup and 5 substitute appearances that totalled 20 minutes, in the League. I think it's safe to say that Zola does not see him as a game changer.

If I'm totally honest, my biggest query about Lopez is not really football related, but I am intrigued as to exactly why the name "Walter" is so popular in South America.

Could still be with us next year, or he could alternatively devote his life to resolving the issue of how best to slice mushrooms for optimum taste.

Best Performance : Watford (a)

Rating : 4/10

West Ham vs Middlesbrough: Match Preview - 24/05/2009

2009-05-21T21:06:00.006+01:00

1. Opposition

Middlesbrough have lived a charmed life over the last few years and are overdue a spell in the lower leagues.

Gareth Southgate’s controversial appointment as manager in lieu of formal UEFA accreditation has backfired and the twelve people who regularly attend the Riverside have recently roused sufficient consciousness to vent their disapproval.

Southgate vowed a more attacking approach this season, but those aspirations have floundered on the twin rocks of ineptitude and investing both your hopes and £12million in Alfonso Alves.

Turkish hitman Tuncay Sanli has been the only Boro player to fire the imagination this season and will be the target of several Premiership clubs should Boro go down.

Stewart Downing sustained a serious injury against Villa that will keep him on the sidelines for some months, potentially jeopardise a move away from The Riverside. Gutted.

2. Death Throes

It is fairly unusual for so much to be left undecided going into the season’s final fixture and while European qualification is now beyond us, we still have a part to play.

Any of the North East triumvirate of tedium could still be relegated along with doomed West Brom, and Hull City remain in danger.

All candidates face tricky fixtures on final day (with the arguable exception of Middlesbrough) and some have missed the boat in terms of actively shaping their own destiny.

Hull and Sunderland are the only two sides whose fate remains in their own hands, although Hull have a tough fixture at home to Champions Manchester United and Sunderland host Chelsea.

Newcastle visit Villa Park and depressingly, it wouldn’t surprise me were they to emerge as this year’s unlikely escapees, despite the odds being largely stacked against them.

An away win alone is not enough to secure survival for Boro and they are dependent on both Newcastle and Hull losing as well as redressing a current minus 4 goal difference relative to Hull City.

3. Picture Book

Gareth Southgate unveils Australia's new bushfire early warning system.

4. History

Fortune has presented us with the opportunity of condemning Middlesbrough to relegation and a minimum sentence of one year’s hard labour in The Championship.

In recent seasons, Boro have regularly embodied the most lacklustre outfit to visit Upton Park and we can strike the coup de grâce to their 11-year Premier League occupancy if we take anything out of this game.

Historically, Boro's trips to east London have worked well for us as we have claimed eight wins and two draws from the previous eleven encounters at Upton Park.

You wouldn’t know it this season however. We’ve already played Boro three times claiming a point away in the League before a disappointing 1-1 draw at home in the FA Cup and a worse 2-0 away defeat in the replay.

Getting back to the positive, we haven’t been beaten on the final day of the season since 2001 – cosmically, the last team to do so was Middlesbrough.

5. Eurovision

Recent results against Merseyside’s finest have put the kibosh on our hopes of an appearance in the inaugural Europa Leage.While we’re out of the race, it remains close with Fulham in pole position after excellent results against Villa and Newcastle.

Fulham are deserving of a place in the new competition, if only to see ex-Hammers Paul Konchesky, Bobby Z and King John Paintsil display their varying degrees of perplexing dexterity on the European stage.

Their participation would also be just reward for manager Woy Hodgson who, after a relegation escape last year to rival our own of the previous season, gets my vote for Manager of the Year.

6. Positive Propulsion

The concealed blessing contained within our failure to secure Europa League qualification is that the management team can focus solely on next season’s domestic campaign.

A few big name players will be offered improved contracts in the summer and it will be interesting to see who ties their flags to Zola’s mast and who jumps ship for monetary gain dressed up as the chance to play in Europe. I’m looking at you, Lucas Neill.

In terms of new additions, we are obviously in need of a consistently reliable striker who is not liable to set himself on fire at any given moment.

David DiMichele has had his all-too-fleeting moments, but at 32 will not improve upon his current form.

Diego Tristan’s charred remains are unlikely to act as a consistently potent goal threat, but can act as a wonderfully nutrient-rich compost for the malnourished turf of the Boleyn over the summer months.

Dean Ashton’s return is likely to be just another frustrating glimpse of what could be, before he turns his ankle tripping over our diminutive manager in October and misses the remainder of the season.

A creative element in midfield would also improve us. The signing of Savio along with Zola’s commitment to youth intimates that an experienced midfielder in a creative mould would serve us better than another bag of potential.

Kieron Dyer could well be that player. But I’m willing to bet that he’s equally likely to be the first person in the UK to die of swine flu.

7. Picture Book

LN: 'You earned loads of money and had a great time in Athens right, Ian?'

IT: 'Get away from me until you can grow a proper beard.'

8. The Bigger Picture

So what can we take from this season? Satisfaction? Optimism for a future under the tutelage of Zola and Clarke? An entrenched aversion to ceaseless Court cases?

Back in August 2008, I think most West Ham fans would have sacrificed a top half finish via Curbishley’s brand of anti-football if the alternative were entertainment.

One sacking and one global economic meltdown later and we have been left with both, although wearily this is likely to be another season remembered for off the field indiscretions.

The turmoil swirling around the club has been tempered since January and for that the management team and evil genius Scott Duxbury can take credit.

In October, with Zola having lost four of his first five games in charge, things looked bleak, but the cheery Italian has turned things around. For the first time in quite some time, we appear to have a squad who really want to play for their manager.

An unerring sense of déjà vu accompanies the summer break as for the third year in a row, the prospect of a new season heralds promising change – but not because of lavish and imprudent spending or the exhumation of Manor Park cemetery for ‘rehabilitated’ summer signings.

Either mild progression or genuine consolidation would do me. The difference being that this will gladly not come at the expense of the club’s traditional aesthetics.

West Ham 0 - 3 Liverpool (And Other Ramblings)

2009-05-18T23:35:00.003+01:00

1. I'm Not There

I have been absent for slightly longer than normal. It's no big deal, it just turns out that 3 children take quite a lot of looking after, and contrary to my previous belief - kids above the age of 3 don't just raise themselves.

Anyway, I'm not writing a summary for this game because - well, would you?

After all, it turns out that Steven Gerrard is really quite good and David di Michele really isn't...

Here endeth the lesson.

Everton vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 16/05/2009

2009-05-14T23:44:00.002+01:00

1. Opposition

Love them or hate them, Everton have done a fine job in securing European football for another season and David Moyes has again proven what a good manager he is.

A third consecutive top six finish plus an FA Cup Final appearance is assured. Combine this with long-term injuries to key-players such as Mikel Arteta and Yakubu, and this constitutes a great campaign for any team outside the top 4.

Bearing in mind their shaky start to the season and the criticism Moyes sustained for not strengthening extensively in the summer, The Toffees can be happy with their lot.

Everton are a aside I can admire and one I think with which West Ham have an affinity – a community-founded team with a tradition of good football and loyal, genuine fans, often cast in the shadow of more illustrious neighbours.

If only Tim Cahill didn’t play for them, I think we would all get along really well. What is it with Cahill? At least our Australian has the good grace to be less annoying than Tim Cahill.

2. Onward Tristan Soldiers

As has been the case before this season, we are currently struggling to find the back of the net relative to the amount of chances created.

Diego Tristan is currently campaigning for an extension to his contract. The previously extinct striker has got a couple of goals of late, but was largely if not entirely absent against Liverpool.

Di Michele spurned our best chance of the weekend by embarrassingly falling to the ground like a pissed ballerina, and together our two forwards made a toothless pair.

Carlton Cole is back in the matchday squad having missed the last eight games after hobbling off injured in England’s 4-0 win over Slovakia back in March. Cole will doubtless feature and there is even a chance he could start as he has undergone a full week’s training.

A genuine physical presence upfront would provide a welcome break from Di Michele’s well-meaning forays and Tristan’s ethereal zombie meanderings.

3. History

By and large, we don’t do well at Goodison Park. Or against Everton generally. Or, as Saturday’s 3-0 loss and an embarrassing FA Cup 3rd round defeat to Tranmere ten years ago illustrate, against any team from the Merseyside area.

In the history of the Premier League, we have only won at Goodison twice, having lost eight times. We’ve been on the wrong end of 6-0 and 5-0 drubbings and escaped with just three draws.

Last season was one of those draws, ending as it did 1-1 and yet producing one of the better away performances of Alan Curbishley’s spell in charge.

James Tomkins hit the bar four minutes into his first team debut before being turned inside out for Yakubu’s opening goal, substitute Freddie Sears terrorised Phil Jagielka, hitting the post in injury time, and Dean Ashton scored a lovely equalising header.

That remains one of my favourite goals from our very own peroxide blonde biscuit barrel, along with this one and how long ago does that seem?

4. Be Still My Twitching Knee

I recently happened to chance upon a copy of The Daily Mail in a canteen, discarded by the tea-lady once it had lost its absorbency.

Buried deep among the balanced reporting of how immigrants are planning on using confused WW2 veterans as a delivery system for a giant cancer bomb they are planning to detonate in your children’s schools, I happened upon an article detailing the results of a recent poll commissioned by Disney.

It was based upon the public’s perception of Britain’s most talented family. The Attenborough’s came top, followed by the McCartneys. Nothing amiss there, you would think.

Nestling at number 9 were the Redknapps. Now hate him or loathe him, but Harry is good at what he does. So far as I am aware he constitutes one member of said family.

Jamie Redknapp is an unequivocal twat.

Sometimes I fear for this country, I really do.

5. Priorities

Saturday’s loss and Fulham’s good form do not bode well for hopes of European qualification, but this could prove no bad thing in the long-term.

I think we would all gladly sacrifice a few jaunts to the Continent if it were to come at the expense of soundly based progress on the domestic front.

The two schools of thought are that either (a) European football will make our current crop of players better for the experience or, (b) could prove a damaging distraction from our meat and potatoes League standing and overstretch an ill-equipped squad.

A happy compromise could be qualification for the Europa League followed by a swift exit after a couple of rounds. Preferably with away fixtures somewhere hot.

That way, the squad gets experience before focusing on the League and we get a couple of Jolly Boys Outings.

6. The Last Line

Up until Steven Gerrard foiled Lucas Neill’s laboured attempt to play him offside in little over a minute, our recent defensive performances had been solid.

Prior to Liverpool’s win, we had conceded just four goals in our previous nine games, going back to the beginning of March.

James Tomkins is providing genuine competition for places and Danny Gabbidon has nearly timed his return from injury perfectly to coincide with the end of the season,

Everton can boast an equally resilient back line however, having recently set a new club record of 16 clean sheets for the season, breaking the prior best of 15 set in the mid-90’s.

No mean feat when you consider that the previous holders also had the irrefutable advantage of Neville Southall in goal, a man whose individual supply of half-time chocolate oranges kept Terry’s in business right through the 80’s.

West Ham United vs Liverpool: Match Preview - 09/04/2009

2009-05-08T06:40:00.002+01:00

1. Opposition

This weekend the hallowed plains of Upton Park shall play host to Liverpool, erstwhile kings of English football, but for so long reduced to also-rans.

This season Liverpool have managed to construct a sturdier title challenge, altogether more robust than in recent years where they have petered out by January.

It would take Manchester United to drop 6-points in their remaining four games for Liverpool to win the title this year, but they have provided the champions with their closest challenge in the league.

While things looked promising a few weeks back following Liverpool’s 4-1 demolition of United at Old Trafford, Man U have since found form and characteristic slip-ups against lesser opposition in the middle part of the season would appear to have cost Liverpool once more.

But for all their progress under Rafa Benitez, they remain over-reliant on their two talismans, Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres.

Both players make a strong case for being considered the best in the world in their respective positions, but you can’t say the same with any conviction of any other Liverpool player in regard to the Premier League, let alone the world.

They do have their share of good players and their qualities as a side are self-evident, Jamie Carragher and Xavi Alonso supplementing Gerrard and Torres.

Javier Mascherano is integral to their upsurge and is in line to make his first return to Upton Park since being kept out of our side by the mighty Hayden Mullins, having missed out with injury last time Liverpool were in town.

So it seems that depth of real quality has once again let Liverpool down - not that we are in any position to comment whatsoever as we currently have all the depth of a teaspoon.

2. Relegation Roll-Call

We are fast approaching the time of year when the axe of relegation falls onto the scrawny necks of underperforming clubs, severing the vacuous heads of managerial inadequacy from the ailing body of sub-standard playing staff.

Being well clear of the trouble ourselves, we are able to adopt the pompous and accusatory position usually reserved for Simon Cowell or Mark Lawrenson.

It’s difficult to choose from the contenders, although Newcastle are a given. As are Middlesbrough.

Newcastle have nobody to blame but themselves and the calamitous way in which a couple of seasons in the sun in the mid-90’s has governed the ‘revolving-door’ running of the club ever since.

Middlesbrough are lamentable in every sense bar their Chairman, Steve Gibson. I even think Gareth Southgate is a nice enough bloke, but it looks as if the Fates will have their vengeful way in recompense for the summer of ‘96. That Pizza Hut advert was unforgivable.

West Brom look doomed, but conversely it is they who I would like to see pull off a miracle turn around. Unlikely, as it would take something even more miraculous than our own escape two seasons ago or that of Fulham last year.

In a perfect world I’m torn between the prospect of Sunderland joining Boro and Newcastle in a triple-whammy for the North East ‘hotbed of football’, or the spectacular fall from grace of Hull City.

Hull were most people’s second team a few short months ago, but their disastrous run of picking up just 8 points from their last 20 games puts them in the thick of it.

The law of averages dictated that after such a momentous start, this chronic bad spell was always coming and erratic manager Phil Brown seems utterly powerless to prevent the slide.

With Brown’s increasing cult of personality, perma-tan, ridiculous radio-mic sellotaped to his face and misguided purchase of Jimmy Bullard (whose knee is so obviously being held together with sorbet and damp cornflakes), I confess to having more sympathy with the plight of Phil Spector than that of Hull City.

Either way, there are big games this weekend as Hull host Stoke City and Middlesbrough visit Newcastle.

3. History

In this same fixture last season we picked up our first home win against Liverpool in six attempts, courtesy of a last minute Mark Noble penalty.

It was a deserved victory and one born of a high work-rate throughout the team, something we’ll need again on Saturday.

We have generally been Liverpool’s bitch for many years, not having won at Anfield since 1963 (?!) and last year’s 3-points constituting our only home win against them since the turn of the century.

With the title Man United’s to lose, Liverpool are not yet lacking in motivation as they would still go top were they to win on Saturday. With the prospect of European football enticingly within our reach, both teams have something to play for at this late stage of the season, which could make for an exciting encounter.

4. Eurovision

Will we, won’t we?

The prospect of European football next season is coming evermore tantalisingly into focus.

The various mini-leagues that constitute the Premiership are becoming ever tighter, and none more so than our own particular battle for European qualification.

Saturday’s noteworthy win at Stoke City (only the 4th time they have lost at home all season) was a must if we are to claim what seemed so unlikely back in October.

Middlesbrough’s condemnation to the Championship prior to the final day would do us a favour as our two other remaining fixtures (today’s game and Everton away) are far from bankers.

But, none of those in contention have particularly easy run-ins:

Man City – Man Utd (a), tottenham (h), Bolton (h)

Fulham – Villa (h), Newcastle (a), Everton (a)

tottenham – Everton (a), Man City (h), Liverpool (a)

A demoralised Boro and the seven fans they are sure to bring to the Boleyn would provide a nice fillip should we come unstuck against Merseyside’s finest.

Zola seems to think four points will do it, but I’m not so sure. With Everton having one eye on the FA Cup Final, a point on Saturday followed by a couple of end-of season wins would see us alright.

5. Beauty And The Beast

How joyous it was to watch the hulking Chelsea juggernaut despatched from the Champions League by a balletic Barcelona this week.

Cries of ‘conspiracy’ ring hollow, for as perhaps one of Chelsea’s four penalty shouts was nailed on, so Eric Abidal’s dismissal in the second half for Barcelona was unduly harsh.

Man United vs Barcelona is the final everyone outside of Stamford Bridge and The Emirates wanted to see, and one hopes that it can be contested fairly between the 22 players on the pitch, bereft of any outside influence.

Not least from myself as on Wednesday night whilst watching the game at home, I dropped a chocolate biscuit and Didier Drogba fell over.

Falling only just short of last year’s final for blissful catastrophe, it was good to see the Chelsea players, particularly cry-baby Drogba, take their defeat with all the graceful class of….

….well, I have been searching high and low for a biting and offensive metaphor here, but can do no better than ‘a bunch of Chelsea players’.

Stoke City 0 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

2009-05-05T20:58:00.025+01:00

1. May The Fourth Be With You

This, ladies and gentleman, was a victory for the forces of good and all that is right and holy in the Universe. Stoke are "good" for the Premiership in the same way that Coke is "good" for your teeth.

2. Shocked? I Nearly Bought My Own Drink

"West Ham score direct from a free kick. Just out of shot, Hell is freezing over"

3. The Statistics

Per the ever trusty ESPN Gamecast, Stoke had the ball for just 40% of the time, whilst we had a curious 61% share. This is remarkable not only because it's a huge number but also one that defies the basic laws of mathematics.

Now I don't know how these kinds of statistics are identified, but I'd have to hazard a guess that Stoke never have much by way of possession, purely because whenever they get the ball they launch it into the opposition box from a great height. Most of the time that results in them giving the ball away, and therefore the opposition are always likely to have a greater share of possession.

The pure numbers would show that this game was somewhat even in the sense that Stoke had more goal attempts (12 to 8) but with less on target (2 to our 3). They also had 7 corners whilst we didn't even manage one, but to counter that we had the aforementioned superiority of possession. None of these statistics illustrate particularly well that these two teams were light years removed from each other in terms of quality.

Elsewhere, Diego Tristan had all of our on target goal attempts, which seems remarkable as up until this game I didn't think his legs worked.

4. The Opposition

After our 2-1 home victory against Stoke in December I wrote this . It was posted here and perhaps unsurprisingly was not overly popular with Stoke fans. Now look - I don't much care about that, but I would like to think that despite the obviously biased starting position, I can occasionally make observations that fans on both sides of the aisle can agree with.

To that end I am going to re posit my initial thoughts about Stoke, as detailed in that first column back in December:

This. Is. (Still). Not. Football.

Getting the ball and whacking it into the corner in the hope of forcing a throw in is not football. It's rugby. It's fucking rugby.

Now, I'm all for teams maximising their resources, and being adaptable and using the tools at their disposal, but Stoke have moved far beyond those simple platitudes. This is egregiously offensive stuff. As a paying fan you are simply being told that your enjoyment is secondary to Stoke staying in the division. Now I'm not here to criticise a team for doing whatever they can to survive, but I simply asking if it has to be quite this cynical? I mean, these guys make Bolton look like an Arsene Wenger side, such is the unreconstructed nature of their play.

I don't doubt that Stoke fans will be aggrieved at this, and in some ways I don't blame them, but I couldn't watch this shit every week. We had a brief dalliance with this type of thing with Curbishley and it felt like half the fanbase were ready to turn in their season tickets in protest. The fact that Stoke fans appear to totally disagree with me, is perhaps a reflection that modern day fans will accept pretty much any kind of football so long as it gets them to the Premier League.

One can only hope that second season syndrome hits them hard, as we have quite enough of this crap in the league already.

5. The Referee

If Peter Walton was expecting a tasty game here today he was fairly mistaken. Certainly Stoke weren't shy of using their elbows to do pretty much anything, but by and large it was blood and thunder stuff without an underlying menace.

I thought Boa Morte was somewhat fortunate to get away with a late tackle on Rory Delap but Walton probably thought - "Hey it's Rory Delap - I'd kick the little shit too." As it was, Delap had a little kick back at Boa Morte's backside, which caused the Portuguese to roll around clutching his thigh, at which point Walton just booked them both for being utter tools.

He did also disallow two goals, one for each side, that weren't immediately obviously foul in their inception. Ricardo Fuller jumped into Rob Green for a cross, and I suppose that had a bit of foul play about it, but the di Michele goal appears to have been chalked off merely on the grounds that the referee assumed Tristan and di Michele couldn't possibly do anything good so why not.

Hard to argue with the logic.

6. Goooaaaaaallll!

We don't score much from free kicks. I can recall a couple from Nobby Solano, and a couple from Tevez, but before that I think you'd need to go back to the Tudor era for a West Ham goal scored direct from a set play.

So as Diego Tristan hovered over the ball, with his shaven head bowed, and his corpse rotting into the ground, I didn't expect a great deal. Instead, he strolled up and curled it right into the top corner. It was his third goal for us, and probably the first one that he's actually known anything about.

He has now scored twice against Stoke City this season, which is a sentence that ranks right up there amongst the strangest I have ever written.

7. Kudos

In a match where the sole opposition threat was only ever going to come from aerial raids, it was imperative that our keeper was up to the task. To that end I'd like to commend Rob Green, who was largely untroubled in keeping a clean sheet.

He decided that rather than cowering on his line, he would come charging out for every cross, throw in, chip packet and tsetse fly that arrived in the box. All in all a nice job.

Elsewhere, Lucas Neill was tremendous as he revelled in the chance to kick Matty Etherington up in the air with impunity, whilst single handedly driving us forward at times in the second half. It's fairly hard to say that his recent surge in form isn't related to his contract being up at the end of the season but either way it's been a welcome sight.

8. Positional Nonsense

I still don't understand why Junior Stanislas is playing on the left and Luis Boa Morte is playing on the right. In fact it makes my eyes bleed. Could we please stop it ...

West Ham 0 - 1 Chelsea (And Other Ramblings)

2009-04-27T10:49:00.042+01:00

1. Such Dignity

"Ladies and Gentlemen - your England Captain"

2. And Again

"Ladies and Gentlemen - your England Captain's Bentley parked in a Disabled bay".

3. The Future's Bright

This was a supposed to be a tremendous weekend for the club. We extended the contracts of Zola and Clarke until 2013 - because rewarding our rookie manager with a long extension after a good start has never failed us before - and we were going to be all fired up to give Zola a hand in putting one over on his old club in a feisty local derby.

As it transpired, we were poor, Chelsea were poor and the paper thin squad looked to be suffering from the exertions of recent weeks. Zola's love in with Chelsea continued, but that bothers me much less than the fact that his love in with David di Michele is also continuing.

After the dust has settled, the club look to have been unusually prescient in tying Zola down for an extended period. The key difference between the Italian and, say, Roeder is that he appears to have the players invested in the cause and determined to play well for him. Clarke is a well respected assistant, and the one to whom I attribute the credit for our new found resilience. It is hard to say enough good things about the manager who has taken us to 7th with a squad that has been so decimated with injuries and sales.

I sincerely doubt that the contract will be enough to stave off interest from Chelsea should it arrive, but I wouldn't waste much time worrying about that. If he wants to go he will go - this cannot be a surprise to anyone who has watched professional football ever before in their life. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that if Chelsea want him it will be because he has done a good job for us. At which point he can hopefully "do a Shearer" for Chelsea.

4. The Statistics

Amidst the hubris and caustic posturing there was a (very dull) game of football played on Saturday. Essentially Chelsea beat our reserves, and some people said some nasty things about John Terry. Ho hum.

The ESPN GameCast shows the visitors having the ball for a whopping 65% of the time. In truth this isn't surprising as we surrendered possession as easily as a French General gives up his border towns. The odd thing is that both sides managed just 5 shots on target, although Chelsea had a blunderbuss-like 23 efforts all told. Both Lampard and Malouda were the most guilty with just two efforts troubling Rob Green from a combined 12 shots.

Elsewhere our most promising attacks landed at the feet of Kieron Dyer, who finished them off with all the aplomb that one might expect from a man who has spent the last two years receiving medical attention from Billy Zane circa Memphis Belle ("I lied - I only went to medical school for two weeks!").

In other news, we found it necessary to foul Florent Malouda 3 times, which was more than any other player on the pitch. There are words, but they fail me.

5. The Opposition

I think it would be fair to say that Chelsea were not at their best here. Certainly they were better than us, but that is really not as much of an achievement as it should have been.

With Drogba, Cole and Essien on the bench, it was clear from the outset that Hiddink had one eye on the upcoming trip to Barcelona, and wasn't feeling overly concerned at the prospect of keeping out the mighty Tristan/di Michele combination. And how right he was.

The problem with Chelsea is not really with their style of play, which is pleasing enough if slightly robotic, but instead that their team is filled to the brim with dislikeable bastards. Ashley Cole, Drogba, Terry, Carvalho et al are so thoroughly odious that it's really pretty hard not to hate them. And that's before I even get to Lampard, who inspires far greater opprobrium amongst other Hammers than he does with me.

Look, I'm pretty biased about Chelsea. They are a nouveau club with as many Japanese tourists in their crowd as proper fans. They spend money to achieve success and have gone from a middling club to a player on the World stage. I'm sort of jealous, and sort of disdainful. In truth, I actually don't give them a great deal of thought. They operate in a different stratosphere to us, and if our reserves can lose 1-0 to them whilst missing a penalty and having one cleared off the line then that's probably a pretty decent result, all things considered.

Florent Malouda is pretty bad though. Yes sir. Someone shoot that boy.

6. The Referee

Getting a penalty against a big club is pretty difficult, even at home. This can be attributed to the fact that they have better defenders than other teams, and also to the fact that John Terry doesn't like it very much when referees give decisions against his team and thus tends to lambast them like the overwrought school bully that he so resembles.

So credit Mike Dean for giving us a penalty after Salomon Kalou stowed his cerebrum in the overhead locker and pulled down Herita Ilunga. Some other decisions were on the strange side but that's to be expected

7. Paying The Penalty

Sadly, our fortunes in this game came down to Mark Noble's ability to beat Petr Cech from 12 yards. Although he somewhat telegraphed his intentions, and hit the same side that he always does, I'd put it down as a good save rather than a bad miss. It seemed a foolish decision to go for Cech's left side as he is a natural southpaw but that's second guessing of the worst kind. He hit it well, it was excellently saved, let's all go home.

Of greater concern perhaps is the question of who takes the next one. To my mind a good penalty taker needs two things - a strong temperament and a technique that will stand up to pressure. Noble appears to have both so I wouldn't be in a rush to make a change.

For instance, I sincerely doubt whether Luis Boa Morte has the requisite technique to propel a spherical object 12 yards into an empty net, let alone one guarded by Petr Cech. And the idea of David di Michele taking one actually makes me cry a little. So basically - as long as Noble wants to keep taking them, I'd let him. Because if you think that was a bad penalty then you seriously need to watch Freddie Kanoute's effort against Arsenal again.

8. If It Wasn't For Fish And Chips I Don't Know Why We'd Have Newspapers

Following some nasty booing and less than gentlemanly comments about Frank Lampard and John Terry, we are now playing the part of pantomime villain for the British press once more. I'd link to the articles, but really you're better off not reading them.

Now, I have stated on here a number of times that I don't really see any point in booing or abusing players. Just because I pay £50 to see Waiting for Godot doesn't give me the right to yell things about Patrick Stewart. If I pay £50 to see Neil Young it doesn't allow to scream abuse about his kids. Sure, football is different, but manners and decency still apply, even if you would be hard pressed to believe it sometimes. In particular, I don't really get the fervour that surrounds Lampard, especially, but I realise I'm in the minority there.

But here's the thing. I'm not a moral compass. I think like I do, and lots of people disagree. That's what comes of living in a (sort of) free society. But I'll be buggered if I'm going to be lectured on morality by the unholy trinity of Terry, Lampard and The Sun. I mean seriously - you have to be fucking kidding me.

The Sun's article was written (in crayon, probably) by Ian McGarry, who in his haste to write a balanced, neutral and representative article forgot to mention that he is Frank Lampard's biographer.

So even as he was writing a piece that really should have been stamped "Produced by the authority of Chelsea Football Club", McGarry had forgotten a fundamental rule. The same laws that allow The Sun to run two front page stories exposing Lampard's marital infidelities are the same laws that let West Ham fans sing "Lampard - you let your family down".

And the same laws that let The Sun run a front page headline "John Terry's Mum Caught Shoplifting" are the same laws that allow West Ham fans to sing "John Terry - your mum's a thief".

Is it a bit distasteful? Yes. Is it childish? Yes. Is it "vile and hateful" as McGarry states? Do me a favour, you snivelling, hypocritical little prick.

I would suggest that men who get drunk on September 11th and abuse American tourists are "vile and hateful". I would suggest that men who go on holiday and make home sex videos against the wishes of the women involved are "vile and hateful". So what if they got a bit of verbal on Saturday? They should sit down with David Beckham and ask him what he thinks about crowd abuse. At least neither had effigies hung of them.

In truth, I don't know why it riles me at all. McGarry is no more a journalist than I am. He is little more than a mouthpiece for the Premier League and it's "stars", and he's just writing what he's told to write. Newspapers these days exist purely as a promotional tool for big clubs and subject us to an unending slurry of hyperbolic shite in the process.

However, I can't help but think that someone somewhere should have advised John Terry to avoid the following phrase when he's complaining of people singing about his mother's shoplifting caution.

"We came here and got three points and they walked away with nothing. You can't buy that" .

Careful John, some people might consider that "evidence".

West Ham United vs Chelsea: Match Preview - 25/04/2009

2009-04-23T21:50:00.011+01:00

1. To The Manor Born

Before we start, congratulations to HeadHammer Shark are once again in order on the recent birth of his third daughter.

As he flaunts his virility like a devout Catholic porn star, we can assume that his recent dearth of publication is due to pure animalistic breeding.

My excuse is far less endearing, more closely linked with Guinness, baked goods and the absence of a keyboard sufficiently large to accommodate my chubby digits.

2. The Opposition

Chelsea. *swallows bile*

At the business end of the season Chelsea have managed to find themselves in with a shout of varying degrees in the holy trinity of club football competitions. This may not seem unusual, but appears a little surprising given their unspectacular season.

After the headline grabbing appointment of ‘Big’ Phil Scolari in the summer, Chelsea flattered to deceive and never possessed the imposing inevitability of previous years.

The loss of their unbeaten home record and a series of underwhelming home displays prompted the equally headline grabbing sacking of Scolari, to eventually be replaced by Guus ‘watch-me-turn-this-water-into-wine’ Hiddink as manager.

Hiddink has continually insisted that he will return to his full-time role as manager of the Russian national side at the end of this season.

No bad thing, as any man who can guide South Korea to a World Cup semi-final and produce an Australian national side capable of taking World Champions-elect Italy to the wire, (but for our own cumbersome captain), has talent.

3. Picture Book

The Curly-Wurly's from Lampard's locker just kept coming.

4. From Small Acorns

We find ourselves at a peculiar point in West Ham’s recent history - largely positive and consistent performances on the pitch, turmoil off it.

Are we on the brink of a new era of successful, traditionally pleasing football, or teetering on the precipice?

We get more than enough doom and gloom from Headhammer Shark, so let’s align ourselves with positivity.

Ever-positive cheeky monkey Gianfranco Zola said recently: “Please stop it, Mr Duxbury. You’re hurting me.”

But that’s beside the point. He followed up with:

“I believe we are building up a reputation because we try to play good football and there is a good atmosphere. That could be an attractive thing for good players to come. I wouldn't be surprised to see a good player come to play for West Ham in the summer.”

While it is Zola’s job to accentuate the positive, his presence at the helm no doubt makes us a more attractive proposition to potential recruits.

Should we be able to steer our way out of these choppy off-field waters and tie down Zola and Steve Clarke on long term deals, then there is every reason for optimism.

Not the kind of optimism that followed our promotion, or 9th place under Pardew, or our FA Cup Final appearance, or the news that we finally had money to spend, or the propspect of big signings returning from injury - but optimism built on a sound foundation and garnered step by step.

5. History

This same fixture last season constitutes a particularly ugly scar on my psyche. On a glorious Saturday afternoon, with supporters in fine voice and fettle, West Ham conspired to concede three times within the opening 20-minutes.

A scuffed penalty from the Pillsbury Dough Boy and a low angled drive from Joe Cole were followed by a fine half-volley from Michael Ballack after some good approach play, to thoroughly douse any hopes of a famous victory.

And all this prior to Nicolas Anelka incorrectly having a goal ruled out for offside. Not even the dismissal of Lampard, (thanks to yet more Boa Morte genius), could negate the deflation.

Ashley Cole added a fourth before the sweet release of the final whistle to make it the third time in five games that we had conceded four against Chelsea.

A massive anti-climax all round, and what did tactical supremo Alan Curbishley have to say in response?

"My players have done fantastically well this season. We have had major injury problems. I'm not going to criticise them."

Grrr, indeed. This was justifiably the beginning of the end for Curbishley, not to mention the first of our three consecutive 4-0 drubbings.

A rosier view of history would tell you that our overall record against Chelsea remains a positive one with 52 wins to 47 losses.

A Machiavellian use of statistics, no doubt, but at this blog we choose to spurn painful realism. It is this same approach that informs you that both Headhammer Shark and I are fine figures of men.

6. Picture Book

The shame of that penalty miss eventually proved too much. John Terry decided to start a new life elsewhere...

7. Makeshift Make-Up

Injuries continue to affect our season and that is not going to change between now and mid-May.

While Kieron Dyer makes ever-increasing steps to a starting berth and therefore the treatment room, we remain without Cole, Collins, Collison, Behrami and Parker. Not to mention the more regular patrons of our shaman’s tepee.

Chelsea have leaked their fair share of goals in recent games, but it is hard to see us giving them too much trouble at the back.

Last weekend’s equaliser against Villa does not excuse Diego Tristan’s lamentable contribution since his loan signing and he is yet to appreciate that a lack of work-rate will not wash, particularly when compounded by a lack of attacking threat.

David DiMichele does have that work-rate, but the writing would appear to be on the wall. The club were only too keen to make Herita Ilunga’s loan deal a permanent one, but no such move has been touted for the Italian forward.

Our biggest omission will be Scott Parker, particularly with the recent return of Michael Essien to the Chelsea midfield. For all the plaudits hurled at Lampard, it is Essien who adds strength and resilience to the centre of the park for The Blues and makes the difference.

Mark Noble is too slight to combat the Nigerian and while an out-of-position Lucas Neill has the requisite bulk in abundance, Essien has the added advantage of mobility, allowing him to pogo around Lucas at will.

8. The Big Picture

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I think we can all be satisfied with this season, all things considered.

Back in October, had we been offered a guarantee of Premiership survival, we would’ve jumped at it. Anything above and beyond that has been a bonus in another tumultuous term at Upton Park.

Our tentative grasp on 7^th spot and a place in next season’s inaugural Europa League (read ‘UEFA Cup with more money-spinning sideshows'), looks increasingly insecure given our threadbare squad and tricky run-in.

Guus ‘The Alchemist’ Hiddink has confessed that Chelsea’s quest for the League title is at an end and that they must now focus on the FA Cup Final against Everton and Tuesday’s Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.

We can expect some big names to be rested on Saturday as a result, although Chelsea have enough depth to beat our current transient line-up with little trouble.

Still, this is supposed to be a cheerful post, so 4-2 to West Ham with Boa Morte scoring the perfect hat-trick.

9. Picture Book

"Think about it - with your teeth and my appetite, we can become destroyers of men..."