The Jannaverse

Things the letters DRAT could stand for

2009-11-24T00:04:00.001-05:00

1. Donuts Really Are Tasty
2. Distance Runners Always Trip
3. Daring Renegades, Anxiously Terminated
4. Debilitating Rheumatoid Arthritis = Troubling
5. Does Randy Always Toot?
6. Dry Raisins And Tuna
7. Domesticated Rhinoceroses Aren't Temperamental
8. Drunk Rum And Tequila
9. Dust, Ragweed: Allergy Triggers
10. Dirty Rotten Airport Terminals
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Not funny but true

2009-11-23T00:26:00.006-05:00

Sunday afternoon, around 5:00, I picked up a large sweet tea at McDonalds and parked in one of the downtown lots, not far from where I work.
As I sat there, I noticed something odd: There was smoke coming out of one of the buildings. It wasn't much at first-- in fact, at first I thought it was just steam from a vent or something.
But then it started billowing.
It seemed like no one else was noticing, so I called 911.
The lady informed me that someone else had already called, and that help was on the way.
I sat in the parking lot (at a safe distance) and watched in horror as the fire progressed rapidly. It engulfed the entire building.
Part of the reason for my horror was that the business my mother owns was nearby-- and all those buildings are joined together.
The part where the fire started was a restaurant. It was closed at the time, so no one was trapped inside. (Whew.)
The place burned, the roof collapsed, flames shot out.
6-8 different fire departments had to come help.
They closed off the street and pumped water from the river to help put out the fire. (Apparently the hydrants weren't enough).
The local radio station sent someone to cover the story.
The Salvation Army was there, distributing free beverages to the firefighters.
At 7:30, it was still burning.
It didn't stop smoldering til about 9:30.
They brought in a backhoe to start breaking down the rear walls of the building and scoop stuff into a pile.
They brought in a bulldozer to scrape up the debris from the street.
I'm glad to report that the fire didn't reach mom's place, but I feel really bad for the businesses that were ruined. This really was an awful fire.

Amazingly, it's already up on YouTube, here and especially here.
And there are already two websites with news stories about it, here and here.
(Not sure why that second one says it happened on the 19th... it happened on Sunday the 22nd. I know. I was there.)
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Twitters from days gone by

2009-11-21T20:01:00.002-05:00

S..l..o.w..l...y.... c.r....a...w...l....i..n....g.. the Internet at 33.6K. Go on. Shoot me.
8:14 PM Dec 22nd, 2008

I wish snow tasted like raspberries.
12:37 AM Dec 23rd, 2008

Conducting an experiment to see if eating chocolate chip cookies will make the freezing rain go away.
9:03 PM Dec 23rd, 2008

Full of Chinese food, which apparently gives me ultra-uber-mondo-prolific gas. Go figure.
10:32 PM Dec 24th, 2008

Going to lay in bed and make up words to go along with the deafening silence. Unless that would ruin the deafening silence.
12:16 AM Dec 27th, 2008

Ow. Aagcccgghh. It feels like Katie Couric is mashing potatoes in my brain.
4:16 PM Dec 27th, 2008

Considering the possibility of putting clothes on and going to Taco Bell. Hopefully in that order.
10:36 PM Jan 2nd

Hey, now that I'm old and senile, wanna trade dentures? I'll even wipe mine off first, if you want.
7:08 PM Jan 11th

Hooray for green nail polish with pink dots! Looks like a hideous disease. I love it!
11:23 AM Jan 13th

So thirsty I could drink gravel. Hey, wait... Maybe that's the problem...
3:48 PM Jan 14th
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And then we're having formaldehyde for dinner

2009-11-20T00:05:00.004-05:00

"It's evil!" The crazy man shouted. "With artificial chemicals and toxins and unnatural colors and preservatives which make nature scream in horror. You should eat fruits and vegetables; they're the true pathway to good health!"

Ed shook his head and rolled his eyes.
"I think I'd rather just go eat these Fruity Pebbles someplace else."
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At least there wouldn't be any ants

2009-11-18T21:34:00.005-05:00

Many years ago, in my early/mid twenties, I decided it would be fun to plan a picnic.
What can I say. It was a pleasant spring/summer/whatever, and I'd never really taken the trouble of planning a cozy little picnic.
I envisioned a nostalgic time with sandwiches, soda, chips, and some quaint little side dishes to delight the palate.
I envisioned a picnic table, a tablecloth, and a picnic basket.

It would be perfect!

I also envisioned one of my best friends there too, so I asked her to join me. We set up the time and the place. I eagerly began preparing. I think I even went out and bought a basket. I made sandwiches. I got chips and soda and... I don't even remember all of the stuff.
The day arrived, and I went to the park.... and waited....
And waited.

Eventually she arrived, late.
There was a Wendy's bag in her hand.

She'd interpreted the word "picnic" very differently, it seems.

Plus, she didn't even want to stay for very long. She hurried to eat her Wendy's burger and then left.
I don't even remember whether or not I finished my sandwich. I just remember that my "perfect" picnic felt like it had been ruined.
There was no fun sharing of "picnic" food, no casual relaxed quality time amongst friends, no good memories to keep.

I never tried again.

Sad but true.

Now that I'm approaching 40, I'd like to try again.
In a weird way, I'd kinda like to have a picnic all by myself. Kind of a mid-life confirmation that I still enjoy spending time with myself, and still consider myself to be my best friend.
I realize that probably sounds bizarre and depressing.

I say this, of course, in mid-November, when it is kind of late to be thinking of picnics.
Maybe I could have a winter picnic, just to make people wonder about my sanity.

"Look," they could say. "Isn't that that freaky 'Jannaverse' chick? What's she doing?"

"Oh," another person would say, "She's just doing that thing she blogged about."

"Eating a turkey/swiss on rye while shivering on a frozen picnic table, talking to imaginary birds that have already flown south for the winter?"

"Yes. That."

"Oh. I should read her blog more often."
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Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-18T00:03:00.002-05:00

More comments I left on other people's blogs

2009-11-17T00:03:00.003-05:00

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Why did Twinkies outlive the dinosaurs?
How is bologna made?
What are you doing with that vacuum cleaner?
How old is this sweet-and-sour-sauce packet I just found on the computer?
Where did I leave my car keys?
How can two cats possibly poop so much?
Will I remember to take out the garbage tomorrow?
I think there’s a bug in my pants.
Wait! Wait!
That last one wasn’t a question!

I’m cured! I’m CURED!

original post:
(http://www.toomanymornings.com/?p=2144)

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Additional possibilities:

1st picture:
If you are only 8 inches tall, please throw the ice cubes back into the McDonalds cup.

2nd picture:
If you're going to throw someone's dismembered ears out of the car window, please do it only in a passing zone.

3rd picture:
Due to numerous recessions and budget cuts, in the year 2024 the Olympics will be reduced to only four rings.

4th picture:
When hailing a taxi, please keep all hands and feet inside suitcase.

original post:
(http://vehow.blogspot.com/2009/01/recognizing-international-symbols.html)
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Have the plunger ready, just in case

2009-11-16T00:02:00.004-05:00

Things I promise not to do if I happen to wander
into your bathroom at three in the morning:

1. Sing Broadway show tunes in the shower
2. Use up the last of the toilet paper
3. Tap on the floors, squeak repeatedly, and say "Am I a mouse yet? How about now?"
4. Stand in the doorway and whisper recipes for mixed drinks
5. Clear my throat and say loudly, "It's ok; I'm not hungry or anything, don't get up...."
6. Plug up the toilet (Well, hopefully not on purpose, anyway.)
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My Least Favorite Things

2009-11-14T00:05:00.001-05:00

Yesterday VE posted a spoof of "My Favorite Things".
I liked the idea so much that I'm unscrupulously stealing it for my own personal use, while entertaining the foolish but optimistic hope that he will eventually forgive me.

Without further ado, here's my own version, complete with links to posts that further explain my dislike:

Onions galore and wild creatures with rabies
Ignorant parents with loud screaming babies
Higher gas prices and blah Burger Kings
These are a few of my least favorite things

Endless construction zones, Slow net connections,
Poverty, Barney, and chips with directions
Drive-thru mistakes and such awful spellings
These are a few of my least favorite things

When the skunk rots, When the sun's hot,
When the car smells bad,
I just remember my least favorite things,
And somehow I still feel bad!
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No wonder I couldn't find it

2009-11-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

Brian laid quietly in hospital room 408, halfheartedly listening to the guy in the other bed.

"I realize now that time is precious," the guy said. "I've learned that I need to slow down and enjoy life. What about you?"

"I've learned," Brian sighed, "that there are some places pine cones just do not belong."
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Additions to the Jannapedia

2009-11-12T00:03:00.003-05:00

SHISTA: I can almost see this being offensive street slang for "sister". Or something worse.

CULEWA: An important ingredient in a mudslide. Ever tried culewa and cream?

DIFTS: Snow drifts so deep the "R" has been buried.

MINGLY: How to describe the tingly sensation you get when mingling.

DOWNIST: Someone who discriminates against gravity.

TABOOF: (1) The sound you make when slipping on the ice and falling flat on your butt. (2) Accidentally goofing up and saying something taboo

PLEURELL: More than one bottle of Prell shampoo.

REABI: I do NOT have rabies. I only have ONE rabie. Looks like it's starting to mutate, though....

KOLIN: Beware of what your kolin will say if you eat too much fiber.

AUSHLOM: Someone with a golf-ball size wad of chewing gum, trying to say "Awesome."

SMESSES: Messes that are even more difficult for people who lisp.

BAAHO: A promiscuous sheep.

PUTTASTE: (1) The taste of golf (2) Trying to say the word "paste" while simultaneously spitting a cat hair out of your mouth
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Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-11T00:03:00.001-05:00

Various Thoughts

2009-11-10T00:03:00.003-05:00

1. I'm so thirsty right now, my taste buds look like a little diorama of Death Valley. (Ouch, I think that was a cactus)

2. I wish they made blueberry Twizzlers. Or grapefruit Twizzlers.

3. How can it be November already, when I'd just barely gotten used to the idea of it being 2009? Does this mean I'm getting old?

4. I'm still waiting for one of you to invent a car that runs on cat poop. I may never need to buy gas again. Please hurry.

5. A vegan is someone who tries to make an omelette out of an eggplant. Ok, I just made that up, but it would look good on bumper stickers, right?

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Math problem for today

2009-11-09T00:44:00.001-05:00

Count the number of meters of toilet paper Europe used in February 2003.
Divide by the number of times McDonald's forgot to include ketchup for your fries.
Multiply by four.
Subtract your favorite number.
Add the number of times you've gotten annoyed with squirrels in the last 20 years. (Don't count the times it ended up just being someone dressed in a squirrel outfit, no matter how annoying they were.)
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Maybe some club soda and salt will help

2009-11-08T13:52:00.004-05:00

Zero comments so far on yesterday's Twitter post.
Since, if I remember correctly, the other thing you guys hate is my poetry, I might as well go ahead and do that next.
It's ok.
I still love you anyway.
Well... most of you.
Some of you.
Ok... I might still like that guy over there in the corner; the one in the red shirt with the taco stain on the shoulder.

I'm tired. I'm taking a nap.
My bed's right there; don't need a map!
Though I look sad and cheap
While I'm trying to sleep
Please don't kill me and sell me for scrap

Your shirt has a taco grease spot
I stared, and much bigger it got
Now the tacos are gone
Without chances to spawn
And you still didn't share. (Thanks a lot!)
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I plan to wake up sometime around March or April

2009-11-07T18:03:00.000-05:00

Last June I did a post about how I'm tired all the time. I also mentioned rodents and hamster wheels in my brain, and I listed some Twitters I'd done which explained the depth of my incoherence.

Today I have more.

More incoherence AND more Twitters.

So tired I could float in a sea of espresso while dreaming of brown goldfish.
--2:23 PM Jul 1st

So tired I could curl up in an igloo and not even notice when the polar bears started nibbling.
--5:30 PM Jul 11th

So tired I could staple a mime to a chicken and fall asleep watching them try to cross the road.
--2:02 PM Jul 12th

So tired I could roll myself up in a warm flour tortilla and shout 'That's a wrap!'
--8:46 PM Jul 21st

So tired I'm talking to air fresheners.
--11:15 PM Jul 28th

Tired. Mumbling random incoherent things. Going to bed as soon as I put this next load of laundry in the dryer. Purple cricket bob salsa.
--9:41 PM Aug 13th

So tired I could curl up in a big box of styrofoam packing, and would be halfway to Tasmania before I woke up.
--11:40 PM Aug 24th

So tired I could sleep on a bed of microchips and not even notice when it re-programmed me into a toaster.
--12:46 AM Sep 4th

If I don't start going to bed sooner, I'm going to disintegrate into a pile of dust before I ever reach the ripe old age of 40.
--10:31 PM Sep 24th

Too tired to finish thi
--9:15 PM Oct 29th
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Just imagine if he knew about bird poop

2009-11-06T00:05:00.000-05:00

One lonely leaf
Just an ugly shade of brown
His paranoid belief:
"There are germs on the ground!
I'm afraid to waver;
Every germ's too small to see.
Certainly I'm safer
Staying here upon the tree.
Maybe I'll forget
(Don't remind me, please)
That the wind may get me yet,
Full of some airborne disease...."
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Thirteen things the letters PLOP could stand for

2009-11-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

1. Parrots Like Old People
2. Prices Lowered? Oh, Please...
3. Pizza Left Outside? Putrid!
4. Poop Loudly Over Pennsylvania
5. Precociously Learning Oriental Proverbs
6. Panther, Leopard, Ocelot, Puma
7. Preschoolers Lick Ordinary Paste
8. People Loathe Obstinate Proctologists
9. Passing Lane! (Oops... Police)
10. Prague, Lima, Oslo, Paris
11. Proudly Leading Outlandish Poodles
12. Purposefully Leaping Off Precipice
13. Proud Loud Ornery Passenger
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Dona Nobis Pacem

2009-11-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

(almost) Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-04T00:07:00.003-05:00

Comments I left on other people's blogs

2009-11-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

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Wow! You made $1.22 from Google AdSense!

Things you can afford now:

1. Half a gallon of gas (maybe)
2. 3 or 4 kiwi fruits
3. Can of Campbell's tomato soup
4. Cheap greeting card from the dollar store
5. Almost three stamps
6. A few minutes with the vacuum cleaner at the car wash.

Enjoy.
Be sure to blog about it.

(source)
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"Hey, for a gazillion dollar paycheck, I'd probably wear ridiculous garbage too.

My schedule could look like this:

10:00am: Wear comfy black stretch pants and a soft cozy black top with a warm jacket.

11:00am: Drive to fashion show.

12:00noon: Eat double cheeseburger for lunch. Watch all the supermodels choke down three lettuce leaves, then hear them express guilt about "pigging out" as they run to the bathroom to throw up. (Note: Try not to let this affect my enjoyment of my chocolate milkshake.)

1:00pm: Change into "designer" outfit consisting of an aluminum foil bikini, a neon pirate hat, and a belt made from freshly-removed chipmunk hearts (still beating) strung onto old extension cords.

1:30pm: Parade my new outfit in front of critical gawking media folk, who will then take approximately 1,236,704 pictures for their articles on "the new hottest trends".

2:45pm: Change back into my comfy black stretch pants and the rest of my "real" clothes.

3:05pm: Collect bazillion dollar paycheck and laugh heartily all the way home.

(source)
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Things I forgot to do last winter

2009-11-02T00:03:00.000-05:00

1. Move to Florida
2. Buy a year's supply of hot chocolate
3. Build snowman and drizzle yellow food coloring in various spots just to make people wonder.
4. Avoid slipping and falling on my butt
5. Convince loved ones to send me crates full of fruit for no reason
6. Make snowballs with various hairstyles, using black and orange cat hair
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The horse says moo, right? No, wait...

2009-10-31T20:02:00.004-04:00

Last week I saw two people I haven't seen in a long time.
One was my kindergarten teacher (!!!), and the other was my high school biology/chemistry/physics teacher.

Yikes.

I hope there's not going to be some sort of quiz.
Especially from kindergarten.
That was a long time ago.

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Because once in awhile, short is good... I hope.

2009-10-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

Today I'm going to try something new called "Friday Flash 55."
I got the idea from VE, who got it from Mr. Knowitall.
Anyway, the idea is to write a mini-story using exactly 55 words.
If all goes well, I'll post one every Friday.
Here's the first:
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Leanne gestured wildly to her friend Sam as she described the ordeal.

"So then, I tried finding saffron and fennel but all I had was oregano. And my blender broke, and the bleu cheese was three shades of green."

"So you gave up?"

"Yes," Leanne sighed. "That's why my breath smells like Chicken McNuggets now."
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Thirteen things I am too tired to do right now

2009-10-29T00:01:00.003-04:00

1. Anything starting with the letter "L" and ending in "aundry."

2. Ask teenagers on the street to please pull up their pants

3. Care about how many calories were in the ice cream I had for dessert

4. Explain to aliens why our planet is so screwed up

5. Build a replica of the Eiffel Tower using only sporks

6. Scoop the litter box

7. Care about politics

8. Daydream about Martha Stewart "accidentally" eating a bad piece of blowfish

9. Learn the difference between hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs

10. Actually care about the difference between hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs

11. Imagine what hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs would look like deep fried on a stick

12. Consider what dipping sauces might go well with them

13. Care about PETA gasping in horror at the resulting recipe books