Suburban Lesbian Housewife

We Lost in NYS

2009-12-02T14:59:00.001-05:00

24 to 38 the Senate voted down marriage equality.

I'm too upset to begin to even write about this. The war... now this...

30,000 More Troops

2009-12-01T09:54:00.003-05:00

30,000 more troops. 30,000 more men and women to Afghanistan. England is sending another 500. Not us, no no. We will take care of this mess, now won't we?

I'm stunned by the number, by Obama's decision. Not surprised, mind you, because when he went and did the salute to the dead soldiers coming home, I knew that was a photo op to prep us for this moment.

Eight years, soon to be nine, we are in this way over our heads. My 14 year old son will be signing up for the draft in four years- all 18 year old males have to even now. I don't see us done with this one in four years. The conflicts there are centuries old. Our Western notions will never work there.

Never.

We all wring our hands about H1N1, shortages of vaccines created by big pharm to make us think we're all going to die without it. We debate Michelle Obama in shorts, Oprah leaving, and whether or not Tom Cruise paid Katie Holmes to have his babies.

How many US servicemen and women are in Afghanistan now? How many in Iraq? How many are dead? How many wounded?

When is Oprah's last show?

Which gets more news coverage?

I wrote about meeting a young serviceman in the Atlanta airport last winter. He was on his way to report for duty after having finished basic training. He was confident he would not go to Iraq or Afghanistan. Besides, he said, if I don't like where I am, I can ask to be moved.

He was all of 18 years old. He believed every word the recruiter told him. Wonder where he is now.

30,000 more friends, neighbors, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers. Will it never end?

The Unspoken

2009-11-30T14:48:00.002-05:00

I haven't checked in for a while about my sister. She's been in great spirits, has a new rental house less than a mile away and all is good with the world. The kids adore having her around- well, maybe not Ben because she gets on his case, but for the most part it's good.

Jake ran downstairs last night and asked if he could have a sleepover at Aunt Cathy's house. Not tonight, I said, it's a school night. But Friday would be fine.

He beamed.

Jeanine, too, said to me later in the night, It's really nice to have your sister around.

All of which doesn't speak to the unspoken. She's still losing weight, and lemme tell ya, she's eating. She has an odd lump on one side of her belly- probably a hernia.

Not good. Not good at all. I don't think either of us could take the emotional roller coaster of another surgery. I remember my mother's second surgery- the first ended with a temporary colostomy. The second, six months later, to reverse it- much smaller, easier surgery, they said. No problem.

She almost died.

I know it's a rainy, gloomy day. I know I'm in a bad place. I know everything will probably be fine. She has great doctors, and is getting the best care probably in the world. But for all the steps forward, all the positive, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can see your eyes roll, Donald.

Time for that long nap.

It's That Time of Year...

2009-11-30T08:40:00.003-05:00

One holiday down. One to go...

I wish I could say I loved the holidays. I don't. I never have. I doubt I ever will. Even though I've had more wonderful celebrations in my adulthood than horrible ones as a kid, I can't shake it.

I brought out my mother's china and my sister said, That just gives me the creeps. I put it away.

There are times I miss my mother, still. When I went to the White House, all I could think of is how proud she would have been. She and I did love to talk some politics. Even as she edged closer and closer into Republican territory, we both were adamant about accountability in the process and the candidates.

Around the holidays, though, I do not miss her one bit. She was bitter and angry at every one. I try so hard to be positive because I do not want my children to have the same memory. When I get overwhelmed, I step outside or go do dishes. I sat out on the deck Thanksgiving day, after dinner was over, for a few minutes alone. Pulling my knees up against my chest, I let all the ghosts have their moment.

And only a moment. They all needed to be heard, their wails and pain. Why? Please, they wanted to know, why?

I have no answer. I can only listen and acknowledge. Be strong enough not to let it suck me in, pull me into a black hole.

It is the best and hardest part of having my sister here. We can sit around like two war veterans, laughing and telling crusty stories that are not funny. We don't, though, for the most part. It's like giving espresso to a nightmare and dancing with it until you can no longer stand.

No more.

We are creating new moments to remember. The corn pudding- which is a better recipe- the list of thanks everyone gave, laughter and pumpkin pie. It should be enough, I tell myself.

A friend of mine said to me, if I can get through it? So can you. It's true. She went through far worse. Know what you do well and know it deep inside, she advised. I try.

I have an amazing family. A beautiful, loving wife. A home filled with love. No one can take this from me, I remind myself over and over.

Jake couldn't fall asleep last night. He kept coming down the stairs, wide awake. We told him to read, or lay quietly. Finally, I went up and sat with him, rubbing his back. He kept opening his eyes and smiling at me. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep.

No one can take this from me.

Except myself. I tried and almost succeeded once. It is when I try to banish the ghosts I get in trouble- I must give them their due. Sometimes, I wish there were a pill I could take that would fill me with bubbly happiness.

Instead, I'll clean the house today. Shift from one holiday to the next. I will make soup or go walk the dogs out in the woods. Without a doubt, I will allow myself a ridiculously long nap.

And try to accept the fact that the holidays will never be easy.

New and Improved Strategy: End the War

2009-11-24T18:42:00.005-05:00

Comprehensive new strategy in Afghanistan will be unveiled by the President soon.

You know what this will mean? More troops, and the war will now be his. No longer Bush's mistake.

Eight years. How many more? Two? Ten?

I want out. I never wanted in, to be honest. Sure, the night of 9/11, I was mad. Angry. The missile strikes felt righteous, in some way. In a way that a impulsive teen yells at a parent to get something they want.

Doesn't work that way, though.

I'm tired. I'm tired of losing political battles. I'm tired of losing real battles, with real soldiers dying, being wounded, having their lives shattered. For an oil pipeline, because that's the only thing, aside from the opium trade, that is going on in Afghanistan. Let's at least be real about that.

"New" strategy. Just like a health care plan that promises to be all that, and ends up with abortion restrictions tagged on by some nightmare right wingnuts at the last minute. Not to mention, it really isn't universal, it really isn't going to help those who need it the most. New and improved- it never is. It's the same old shit, packaged with a new advertising campaign.

We sit with a majority in both houses, and nothing gets done. All this "working across the aisle" is utter bullshit. I don't remember Bush ever working with Democrats.

Ever.

We owe billions of dollars in short term debt- money we don't have, mind you- and yet we are still at war. Want to pay for health care, real health care? End the war. Want to pay the debt we owe without madly printing money that will lose value? End the war.

Want to bring thousands of moms, dads, brothers, sisters, home?

End the war.

The mess in that country was there a thousand years ago and will be there a thousand years from now.

If the President is really serious about new and improved? End the war.

A Mother's Thanks

2009-11-23T11:37:00.002-05:00

This week of thanks, gives us all pause. It is time to be grateful for so many wonderful things in our lives.

Miriam Mercado, however, is thankful for support. Her son was horribly murdered simply because he was gay. Please watch. And give thanks, on Thursday, this hasn't happened to you.

Cha-Ching! The Insurance Companies Win?

2009-11-20T10:12:00.005-05:00

So lemme see if I have this right... women are to wait until they are 50 for a mammogram, till 21 to have a pap smear, and all the research that showed otherwise is in the toilet?

Do you hear the wheels of the insurance industry crushing women's bones? Because I do.

Every woman, except one, I know who was diagnosed with breast cancer, was diagnosed in their early to mid 40's. Every one. And isn't pap smears about checking up after sexual activity starts? How many women do you know that waited until they were 21? Even in the "old days" that wasn't true.

And yet we have these recommendations, on the tail of restricted abortion access tagged onto the health care bill. But you can be sure, Viagra is still covered, 100%.

I find this appalling. Women's lives risked by profit margins. It doesn't matter how stunning your doctor is, how thoughtful, they will be tied by these rules. Don't worry- you can pay out of pocket for these procedures. Just like abortion has always been available to wealthy women.

Cha-Ching. The insurance companies win again.

A Few Pieces of Good Advice

2009-11-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Gaywatch - Peter Vadala & William Phillips

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Happy Anniversary

2009-11-17T08:51:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, I know. I've been away for a while. Partly, I needed a break after the loss in Maine. I needed to stop and think about where I am in my life, where I was heading and what the hell I was doing.

And the other part was that last Friday was my 19th anniversary. Yup, 19 years. Yup, on Friday the 13th. All I can say is the 13th was the only day the church was available. No, it's not the "real" anniversary- that would be march 2nd- but after a few years of not knowing when to celebrate, we decided to go with the legal marriage date.

Too confusing. But don't ever say to me I've only been married since 2004 because lemme tell you, every year counts.

I was inspired on very short notice to go and meet Jeanine. She was at a conference in San Francisco and I hated being apart on our day. It felt like 19 years deserved more than a phone call.

I was also inspired by a very very odd coincidence. On Thursday, the eve of our wedding anniversary which, by the way, is also Walter and Allan's as we had a double ceremony that included our vows to be a family, to raise the boys, Walter was walking by an antique shop in Jamaica Plain. He looked in the window and saw two pieces of glass that looked very familiar.

Remember the story about Don't Touch the Chihuly? You'd have to be a long time reader, mind you, but when my mother died, I inherited a great deal of her artwork. One piece was a beautiful piece of glass by Dale Chihuly. So beautiful, and so fragile, I had a cabinet built in my office for it. (Thanks, Donald!) For the first year it was here, you could hear me shouting to the kids, DON'T TOUCH THE CHIHULY! Now, they know better.

Well, it seems that the two pieces of glass Walter was looking at are almost an identical match to the Chihuly I have. He went in, found them marked at a ridiculously low price. He stayed cool, hemmed and hawed, eyed the signature, and negotiated an even lower price. He then put them on hold. He said he'd have to think about it.

What he did was to come to my house, compare the signature, found it identical, along with the series number and... went and bought his very own Chihuly for a price that would have made my mother proud.

Think about it... the eve of our wedding anniversary, and a piece of art that if he didn't know me, if my mother didn't have, he would never have realized was basically beyond an antiques roadshow find. Something about all that made me feel like my mother, who was pretty miserable at the wedding itself all those years ago, was trying to say something.

I heard celebrate.

I also heard that as hard as it's been at times, this crazy four way relationship Jeanine, Walter, Allan and I have, it's worth it. It's worth it because we are family. While my mother was alive, she was cautious about the whole deal but appreciated my belief that this was best for the kids.

As hard as it was for her, at the time, to get over her narcissistic injury that I had not told her about the wedding in a way she needed to hear it, I know she was amazed by the community we had around us.

I know deep down she was proud.

When Walter brought his find over to compare, and we all oooed and ahhhed over it, I knew I needed to do something.

I did.

Don't ask me what we did, because it won't pass the Weezie meter. Just know that I was gone, and gone in a really good way.

Happy anniversary, Jeanine. I still love you as much today as I did all those years ago. And I would marry you again in a heartbeat.

The Church of Equal

2009-11-09T17:34:00.002-05:00

I've had a few hard days. News out of New Hampshire is looking like a referendum on marriage equality there. Maggie Gallagher grinning and smiling about the NOM win in Maine.

It makes me sick.

And disheartened. I feel like every step forward we have to fight for, fight over and over for.

Then my son handed me his weekly essay. I edit it for him. I started to cry when I read this. He was asked to write about a religion he would start. These are his words:

"If I could make my own religion, it would be called Equal. It would be called Equal because everyone would be equal with rights and responsibility. There will be no supreme lord that created everything, it would be created by everyone, in some way. Everyone will have power, also to be heard and listened to. When you go into a meeting house, it doesn't have to be on any particular day of the week, but when do you, you don't have to sing. You just talk about things going on and what you can do about it. Then you would just hang out and get to know people.

Equal would not only be about having people equal, but also getting to know people and help out with society. By that I mean helping out with community service, to be helpful in any way, that's because when you help other people it makes you feel good about yourself.

Equal will help you, if you are in need of help with problems in your family or just have problems in your life. If you had to insist on having a god, Equal believes in two gods- the god of luck and the god of misfortune. They have no names. Also, you can come from any background to join Equal, if you were from a Jewish family, Christian family, Muslim family, it doesn't matter. You can still believe in your background's religion- everyone has the right to be Equal.

Equal makes people feel equal, I may have said that but it really does. I would feel really different in a good way and that would happen to me. It just may work for you. I would recommend Equal for anyone who wants a change or wants to be the real person they are, because everyone has something in them that is held back, but with Equal you can let that part of you free! Equal can change you and I would recommend it to you.

Equal has the power to change the world- all you have to do is believe in yourself and Equal. It doesn't matter who you are, you will fit into Equal. Equal will be your guide in life and you won't regret it."

Tonight? I am so proud. No one can take this away from me, no vote, no bill, no legal court case.

Roundtable on Kalamazoo, Washington and Maine

2009-11-08T17:30:00.001-05:00

If you want to hear me rant and rant more, go to Bilerico and listen to the roundtable.

Roundtable on Kalamazoo, Washington, and Maine's ballot initiatives

Down but Not Defeated

2009-11-04T12:49:00.003-05:00

It's hard to think of what to say today. My heart is broken. I am exhausted and sick (literally and figuratively). I keep checking the Bangor News site to see the last of the numbers trickle in, hoping it gets closer.

It won't.

I'm proud of being involved with the campaign in Maine. I still love Maine. As I sit here and type, I can hear the buoys clanging in Perkins Cove. The leaves are mostly gone, and the sun is out.

It is still beautiful to me.

As devastating as this loss is, I am beyond grateful we won marriage in Massachusetts. We narrowly evaded having marriage go to a popular vote- and I believe we would have lost that vote if it had taken place. Even today, I have to wonder if we'd win, so many years later.

The rights of a minority should never be voted on by a popular vote. In the MA state constitution, that notion is very clear. Unfortunately, not every state has the same rules.

Today, I have to make dentist appointments for my kids. Zachary runs in a cross country meet today. Jake has to finish up a project for class and Ben will come home, eager to chat with his friends online. My life hasn't changed. No one can take my family away from me.

In the coming days, the campaign will be sliced and diced. I do think it's important to learn from it, but it makes me sick to see us turn on each other, as we did after California.

I am reminded that ten years ago, I never thought we'd see the day that marriage equality would even be considered in my lifetime. A day when I would be a part of 100 plus LGBT activists being welcomed to the White House, to watch a President sign the first ever LGBT positive bill.

And while we continue to be denied, in so many states, the very basic protections from job loss, housing discrimination, health care disparities, we have come far. Openly gay candidates were elected across the country yesterday. Each election is a few steps forward, a few steps back.

We cannot win every fight. We continue to learn, every time, more about how to move forward.

For me, I know the most powerful thing I can do is to continue to raise my family. To be out, every step of the way, proud and willing to have any conversation to help people understand better what it means to be a lesbian in this country.

What it means to be a second class citizen.

Because deep down, I believe people will do the right thing when they have direct contact with what they fear is so different. That it's not about sex but humanity. It's about love and respect. It's about valuing human beings, all human beings, equally.

We are all God's children, to quote a friend of mine. I don't think you have to believe in God to believe in the sentiment. Someday, this nation will understand that.

Someday soon.

But not today.

In York Maine Today: No on One!

2009-11-03T12:32:00.004-05:00

My friend, and fellow board member of Mass Equality, Pete and I hit the road this morning to knock on doors. Specifically, we were in Kittery. The campaign was set up at the York Harbor Inn, and set up with incredible efficiency.

We signed in, were processed, and sent out with marching orders in less than fifteen minutes. Yes, this even included a brief training on how to approach folks.

The sun was out, the air crisp- it doesn't get any better than this for a voting day. We parked and set off in opposite directions. Most people were not home, but those who were were adamantly for No one One. It felt great. One elderly woman said to me, Betta believe I'm votin' no... Making my husband, too.

I think that's what has struck me the most about this campaign, here, in Maine. When I was in California for Prop 8, I didn't see any older, or elderly people. I have, over and over again here. Life long Mainers, who have an opinion and a strong one. Who are at the campaign headquarters, or driving around knocking on doors today, making calls, organizing food, coffee... it's stunning to see.

And they say that's the generation that needs to die off to get marriage equality. I say, come to Maine before you wish that.

So far? I have a very good feeling. The campaign is organized, stocked with volunteers, and running smoothly. It's a perfect day to vote.

I Got a Feeling

2009-11-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

I drove up to Maine tonight. I'm ready to go tomorrow.

Mostly.

More Yes on One signs lined the roads. It was disappointing to see. When I walked in the door, the house was freezing, so I started a fire, and turned on the TV. Political ad after political ad. I've never seen anything like it.

Well, ok, last year's presidential election. But this is Maine.

I meet up with other Mass Equality folks tomorrow morning. We will be working in York county.

On the drive up, I heard the song by the Black Eyed Peas... I got a feeling.

And you know, I got a feeling.

The White House

2009-10-30T13:13:00.002-04:00

I have to be honest. I fawned. A little. I could not help it. I was in the White House, walking along a corridor of Presidential portraits, past the first lady's garden, and my chin was on the floor.

Welcome to the White House, was said at every corner by a person in military uniform. Sure, we can't serve openly but they can be nice as we walk along the corridor.

I walked in with my friend David. I was glad to have someone to share the moment with, and someone who was also like a kid in the candy store. Oooooh. Look!

On the first floor, was a portrait of Hillary Clinton.

Sigh.

Walking in, I had the chance to say hello to Judy, Dennis and Logan Shepard. I shook Judy's hand and said, I'm a mom, too.

I got teary, she got teary, and she gave me a big hug and said, that's why we are both here. Dennis went on to say, This has been all Judy. Her work. I am so proud. Anyone who has mistaken his silence as some kind of lack of interest, is completely wrong.

Going up the stairs to the reception area, my heart was pounding. No fawning, I kept saying to myself. No fawning. We need so much more from this administration. I had prepped a single ten second line, in case I was able to shake the President's hand.

Thank you, Mr. President. I hope this means someday my marriage will be equal to yours.

I didn't get the chance, and I doubt I would have done anything but grin like an idiot.

We went into the East room, where the President would address us. There were about 100 people there. My people. Just looking around the room made me so proud. We have accomplished something, I thought. We are here.

The President took the stage with the Shepard's and the Byrd family. He spoke the kind of eloquent words we expect of him. At the end, the two families hugged each other, and that really choked me up.

We are all in this together.

It was the first time in history that LGBT people have been addressed POSITIVELY by legislation. That a President signed a bill for us. After the President left the room, I stood for a moment, just stunned by the enormity of it all.

Then, David and I had to go see what we could see. The blue room, the green room... we wandered through, taking pictures, and grabbing a glass of champagne. I said, let's go meet some people.

We talked with Barney Frank- surprise, he lives only a couple blocks from my house. I didn't want to get yelled at so I didn't ask about ENDA. Instead, I went on the Rahm Emmanuel, who was standing by himself. I shook his hand and said, So when are you going to stop with this one man one woman stuff?

What do you mean? he said.

I raised my eyebrows and said, You know what I mean, and it makes your candidate look like he's stuck in the 1990's. It' 2009. C'mon.

Let's get healthcare first, he said.

I said, I don't know if I can wait that long.

And off he scurried.

Now, I was on a roll. We went and talked to Tammy Baldwin. Representative Baldwin is an approachable, wonderful woman. She said, Oh, you all in Massachusetts make us look bad!

And then we talked about ENDA. I knew she wouldn't yell. Hopes are high, but it's not quite time yet.

To my left was Cyndi Lauper. She was chatting away, and I introduced myself. I fawned. Hey, she's not in charge of any legislation. I must say, she is an incredibly gracious woman. Later, as we were being herded out of the White House- party over- a small gathering in front of the restrooms was happening. See, the ladies room in the White House has a small foyer with portraits of the first ladies. Jackie, Eleanor, Lady Bird... it was stunning. So I grabbed Cyndi and said, you gotta see this.

Wow...

I said to her, I wonder what the men's room is like? C'mon, let's go...

And off we went across the hall. Not nearly as nice. A lot of books on the walls. Very manly. Whatever. So I told all the guys to come to the ladies room, it was much nicer.

They did.

I wonder how many groups of people that go through the White House have turned the bathrooms into unisex the way we did. Yes, it's always about the bathroom with me. As a kid, my mother swore that I asked to stop at every restroom in the world just to see it. That someday, I'd write a book about it.

Indeed.

The White House was amazing. I was humbled, honored and yes, fawned.

Now, it's back to work. We must win Maine. We must win a transgender rights bill in MA. We need an inclusive ENDA, the end to DADT.

I believe, though, that we are honestly on our way.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness- For All

2009-10-28T12:02:00.005-04:00

Wake up America! A huge battle for rights is about to be voted on in Maine. This will effect everyone from sea to shining sea.

Just like in California in 2008, rights that have already been granted will be voted on. Everyone was shocked when California lost marriage equality- do you know that the same thing could happen in Maine on November 3rd?

Are you ready to do something about it?

The level of outrage across the country was small solace to the thousands of California residents that had their marriage rights, and in some cases their actual marriage, taken away from them. Maine already has a law on the books that allows same sex couples to marry- and religious groups who do not agree, the right not to perform those ceremonies.

It's fair. It's about the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Church and state are separate, as is dictated by our constitution.

I'm married. I'm a lesbian. I have three children. I pay taxes, coach my son's soccer team, go to the grocery store and generally live a pretty quiet life. And I'm really sick of having to say that. My kids all went to public elementary schools in Massachusetts and never once were taught about gay marriage or ANY marriage in school.

Ever.

It is exhausting to have to deal with some religious group's determination to have their beliefs be the guideline for law. I don't care what they believe, I simply want them to leave me alone. I want the right to leave my wife my property, the right to visit her in the hospital, the right to have our children's parents legally recognized.

I'm not going to their church. Why do they want to shove their values down my throat? And why one church and not another? We look at Middle Eastern countries run by Islamic law and think, bad bad bad. But it's okay for the Catholic church to decide what is ok and not ok to have as a law?

Did I mention that no church would be forced to perform these ceremonies? As if I'd want one who thinks I'm going to hell to recognize my lifetime commitment to my wife. Have an ounce of common sense, please.

Are you all listening? Are you all aware that this is a state vote with national ramifications? Because I know the other side is pouring in money from all over the country to try and take rights away.

Take rights away. My rights. I'm not taking away their rights. I have no interest. I believe in free speech and the separation of church and state. Raise your kids to think God hates fags. I'm going to raise mine to believe you have the right to free speech.

I love Maine. I believe in the people of Maine. But the hateful lies being sent out by the folks who would strip away rights have been packaged in tidy little ads that do not require any truth. Save the little, doe-eyed girl from evil homosexuals. Such bullshit.

We are families. We will continue to have children, be active in government, work at jobs, pay our taxes. We'll be in the grocery store telling our kids no to the sugar-filled cereal just like everyone else. We will go to church- the ones that welcome us- and watch football on Sunday afternoons.

Unless they want to take away those rights, too.

And ask yourself, what's next? What right will they deem unacceptable in their view for LGBT people to have- already we cannot serve in the military openly, we cannot marry, we can be fired from jobs, denied housing. Maybe they'll take away our right to vote.

Wake up, America. The world changes, and women are no longer property, African-Americans no longer slaves, and the goal of equality isn't about taking things away. It's about the constitution recognizing everyone.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

For all.

Do something about it. Don't wait until it's too late.

Drive for Equality in Maine

2009-10-28T11:45:00.001-04:00

I have been asked to promote the drive for equality, getting folks into Maine to help get out the vote! So... here it is! All my blog friends, PLEASE repost!

Dear friend,

Can you drive or rideshare to Maine to defeat Question 1? We need you for our Get-Out-the-Vote volunteer shifts from Friday the 30th through Election Day, November 3rd.

Taking a day or half-day trip here is crucial in these final days. Now we're making it much easier for some of you to join us for a little longer.

We're giving hundreds of you a FREE night stay in a Portland hotel.

You can work a couple shifts on Saturday, get a good night of sleep, then grab a Sunday morning shift before heading home. You need to commit to at least two volunteer shifts for the first night. You can stay one night or all five if you are able to keep volunteering each day. Stay as many nights as you can!
ALL of our out-of-state volunteers should register at Drive for Equality.org. To take advantage of the free housing offer, you MUST sign up at Drive for Eqaulity.org. Hotel availability will be verified with you at least 24-48 hours before you leave home.

Can you come to Maine for at least a half-day or longer to protect equality? http://www.driveforequality.org

It doesn't matter if you have a car or not – when you sign up at Drive for Equality.org just check the rideshare box to connect with a driver or with passengers to share the trip and split the gas. Our secure anonymous system let's you post a personal message with your name and location while keeping your contact information private.

Now is the most critical period of this election precisely because together we've identified tens of thousands of supporters. Now we need to verify that those supporters actually vote. Face to face contact is by far the best way to do this.

No experience is required. If you are traveling as a group, or in a carpool, we can usually match you in a shared room. Marriage equality has lost 30 consecutive elections. We're SO close to winning...and losing...again.

Both us and our opponents have the statistically the same number of supporters. The winner will be the one who get's their supporters to the polling place. We NEED your help.

Your short trip CAN make the difference. Join us for GOTV: http://www.driveforequality.org

-Jay

Jay Cash
Director, Drive for Equality

Today at the White House

2009-10-28T11:28:00.002-04:00

It is on the White House live streaming video schedule:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/live/

===

October 28, 2009 6:05 PM EDT

President Obama Speaks on Hate Crimes Prevention Act

The White House

That's where I'll be. Take a peek. I promise not to do rabbit ears on the President...

Headed to DC

2009-10-27T08:10:00.002-04:00

I am honored, humbled, to have been invited to witness the President signing the Hate Crimes Bill. This is the first, the very first, piece of legislation to be signed into law that includes TRANSGENDER.

Truly honored.

My kids... well... I told them, I'm going to the white house, guys.

They look puzzled.

How long you gone for? asked Jake.

Till Thursday.

They all looked at each other and yelled, TACOS!!!

Hmmm.

There is much still to be done. This is a significant historic step, but only a step. It benefits me if I'm dead or beaten. I want to change the way society views us, all of us, so senseless beatings, brutal attacks based on angry stereotypes end.

I don't expect it all to end. Lynchings still happen. But when they do, there is horror in the reporting, not just on the back page, crammed between sales ads.

I want more. I want an inclusive ENDA, I want an end to DADT, I want my marriage in Massachusetts recognized by the federal government.

I want life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Just as clearly, and without question, as my boys want tacos.

Playing Fair

2009-10-24T16:17:00.004-04:00

Can I rant for a few moments? It's that kind of day.

After standing in the rain, coaching my son's soccer team with a single parent- you know, the straight white guy who has not volunteered to coach but feels absolutely comfortable telling the coach (me) exactly what to do when- constantly in my ear while my group of 9 and 10 year old boys ran around in delight on the muddy field, I was frustrated.

Not because we lost- the other team was bigger, pushed a lot and my kids kept checking the sidelines to see if the donuts had arrived- but because there wasn't really anything I could do.

Sure, I could have yelled at the parent to get to the other sideline, where he was suppose to be, but what really is the point? This is not the World Cup, they are just kids and an hour after the game, none of them care what the score was.

It's one of those situations there really isn't anything to be done in. I'm starting to feel the same way about Maine. The other campaign is lying, sending around obscene images and tying them to "the homosexual agenda," in a way that is very reminiscent of what happened in Massachusetts. Meanwhile, the entire porn industry goes merrily on it's way shelling disgusting images to appeal to heterosexual men.

You can't respond because it won't matter. People who believe that, will believe that. There are people who believe "God Hates Fags," as if God would hate, and use such foul language. And yet those folks feel nothing is wrong with having their young children hold those signs up. Because God would want them to hate and be angry, too.

I'm not sure where that is in the Bible but... I've only read it once and it was a long time ago. Maybe they've changed it.

I want to shout "Cheater!" to the Yes on One people, who have used total and complete lies- gay sex will be taught to kindergartners- to scare people into believing a vote will save doe-eyed, blond girls from evil.

So... they teach straight sex in kindergarten?

I asked my middle son, after watching the last batch of outrageous lies, were you taught about sex in kindergarten?

He looked at me like I was nuts. No.

First? Second? Third grade?

No, Mom. That's stupid.

Well, they say we teach gay sex in schools here in Massachusetts because we have marriage equality.

Mom...no.

Did teachers ever talk about marriage at all? Same sex, opposite sex, any kind of marriage?

No, Mom.

Surprise, surprise.

But like standing on the soccer field today with my most annoying parent at my side, there is nothing to be done. No more ads will change any minds. The last, and only, thing to do is to knock on doors and get people to vote. To listen to their neighbors, one last time. Because it is about Maine, the people of Maine, and no one else. Not NOM or the Pope or a kinky street fair that happens in San Francisco that is only for consenting adults.

We can only hope people can see through the lies. Understand that if there is a God? Nothing ever said about God has anything to do with hate.

As those folks knock on doors one last time, it is with cheer, good feelings, and hope. Because we will not stoop that low.

One of my kids at halftime said, let's push 'em back! I said, no. That's not soccer. You play with your head and your feet.

The tide has changed. Marriage equality, for this nation, is only a few years away. When it happens, I want to look my kids in the eye and know that I played fair. That our movement played fair.

Even if I really want to photoshop Peter LaBarbara's head onto a leather daddy body and send that in an email. (Or find a very real photo of him "researching" the decadent gay lifestyle he is so obsessed with.)

Change and Change Again

2009-10-22T07:36:00.003-04:00

I'm listening to Zachary and Jake wrestle upstairs- they are sharing a room so my sister can stay here. She has been half the time in Ogunquit, half the time here. I've become quite spoiled- she helps with the cooking, shopping and laundry. I gotta tell you, it's pretty nice. Not to mention to have someone here in the house when Ben gets home and I have to be out picking up Zachary...

I'm not someone who adjusts easily to change, but slowly, over time, I've come to see my sister's being here as wonderful. (And not just because she reads my blog) Yes, the house is very full with six of us, two big dogs, and one very lonely cat who has decided to be a dog, too (I must get a picture of her between the two of them, snuggling). Yes, I do not get the same amount of quiet time as I used to. But there is something really special about watching the boys grow in their relationship to her. To watch her change, before my eyes, into a person who is not obese, who is not dependent on people who are using her, who is starting to see some value in herself.

Oh, she still drives me nuts. She is my sister, after all. But I realize I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't want her to leave.

And Jake and Zachary seem to enjoy the close proximity- although there have been a few skirmishes about Jake having the nerve to actually touch stuff in Zach's room. After a few days, Jake goes back to his room, all is calm again.

We were all watching glee last night- yes, we lifted the no tv rule because Ben had asked to watch glee- it was the end of a good night. The stove had started smokin' bad when I went to preheat it to make some dinner, so we ended up with pizza and a salad.

Happy boys.

And chocolate cake- Morgan really did send me a cake. I loved that. I told the family that Jeanine may bring home the bacon but I brought home chocolate cake.

Jake said, there is bacon??

But as we watched that show, I realized something. This may seem silly but... I realized I'm almost fifty. That in nine years, the boys will all be out of the house. We've been trying to figure out if we redo the garage into a carriage house- something that will require a ridiculous amount of paperwork and permits- or add on to the house, which would be less paperwork but more chaos. In the meantime, we've stalled on some basic things because we don't know what we're going to do and it seems silly to, say, paint the house if we're going to tear part of it down.

In four years, Ben will be gone. My first bird will have flown.

For some reason, it hit me hard. After everyone went to bed, Jeanine and I talked. What do you see in ten years? I've always thought we'd sell this house, buy a condo in Boston, and spend half our time in Ogunquit. Jeanine agreed. We discussed instead of adding on anything, maybe all we needed to do was to redo the basement so the boys could have a 'hang out space.'

I stopped, for a moment last night, and didn't think about how to get through the next day, week, but what was on the far horizon. We no longer have years and years before we'll be on our own. And I know now, there are some things I will not compromise on- I can never go back to Jeanine working in the film industry. It was awful. Never again. I'm no longer so insecure about myself that I have to give everything over to please someone, in hopes they will love me.

Fifty. I'm almost fifty. It's not a bad thing, by any means. More of a realization. I'm not going to find a great career I love. I'm not someone anyone would hire, for the most part. I'm not willing to be an intern of any sorts and my qualifications are random, hardly contactable dots.

I'm good with kids, but please, don't ask mine.

What is next? What will Jeanine's work look like? What will mine? Will we move sooner, if Jake is in a private school? Will we still have the same paint coating the walls of our house?

I honestly don't know. All I know is that we have entered a stage of life that is very different from the last one. It requires thought and planning. I can no longer wing it from day to day. I no longer bounce back as quickly as I once did.

It's new and the same. Mostly, it is the first change of life that I am not anxious about or afraid of. I enter it with an amazing family all around me. I've donned many different hats, tried many different things so far in my life. What feels different is how capable I am.

I do not like change. This time, though, I will be ready.

I'm Having Cake...

2009-10-21T19:34:00.000-04:00

but I thought I'd leave you all with this to watch

Serious Shortage at Home

2009-10-20T09:13:00.003-04:00

Big drama today in the house. We are down to our last two rolls of toilet paper.

Years ago, a columnist for the Boston Globe, Diane White, wrote a fabulous piece on what families tended to hoard. Back in the 50's, there were canned good in case of a nuclear attack. Today? Toilet paper. On average, families, if I remember right (it was a long time ago and I can no longer find the column), had at least 10 extra rolls in their house.

I think that's pretty low.

Fear not, I'm on my way to the store to stock back up to about 20 rolls.

Ok, maybe not the deepest thinking today but... sometimes we all need a break.

Lots of Love... and Good Boundaries

2009-10-16T08:28:00.003-04:00

Last night was Ben's birthday. 14 years old. It's hard to imagine my little baby with curls and a big giant smile all the time is 14.

Zachary called around 5pm- he and Walter had been in a car accident. Everyone was fine, but Walter's truck is totaled. For all our problems, our issues, when I pulled up to the truck, saw how wrecked it was, all I wanted to do was hug Zachary- and Walter. You know, Walter may drive me nuts but I love him.

Ben was a little difficult all evening, soaking in his birthday, being mean to his brothers and dropping the F bomb every moment he could. My sister finally said to him at the table, you know, not only would your grandmother have slapped either of us for such language, she would have taken the gifts back.

Ben found that amusing.

Ben also came home with a huge hickie on his neck. When asked about it, he got really defensive and I said, listen, bub, you don't even try to cover it up, you're gonna have to answer some questions about it.

It was just a game, he said.

It's middle school, mom. Kids do this.

You know, I went to middle school... I don't remember that.

Get with the times, mom.

I think I aged an extra ten years. I tried so hard to go with it, not create a big fight, but of course, I couldn't.

Maybe this is why I'm so tired all the time. I'm thinking there is something seriously wrong with me, and I need to make a doctor's appointment but you know, it's just the teen years wearing on me.

That or my constant 3AM wide awake, awake awake awake time. At least the cat is happy to be up with me.'

Remember the quote from that book? I gotta tell you, that shabby hotel is starting to look mighty good.

I love my son. I love him so much. He is a good, sweet boy. I know that. I know deep down he is gentle and kind. All he wants is acceptance from his peers. Very normal for any 14 year old. I try to pick my battles but I find myself pulled into the rabbit hole, and before you know it, I'm yelling, he's yelling, we're angry and nothing good is going to happen. I know what he's struggling with and here I am, a big giant available resource- and until he wants it? It means nothing.

For now, I'm going to give up sugar- any kind of refined sugar- and go to bed early for a few weeks. I'm going to try and convince my tired body that it can run, needs to run, and do it no matter how tired I am. I'm going to count to fifty before I respond to him.

Ten is not nearly long enough.

I'm going to try to keep my heart open and show him how much I love him, as often as I can. I'm going to remember that he and I are very much alike- which means I know a little bit about how to reach him.

Lots of love...

and good boundaries.

Big Dip for Big Money

2009-10-13T12:35:00.007-04:00

We were all up in Downeast Maine this weekend, celebrating Walter's birthday with lots of steamers, mussels, lobsters and perhaps a couple alcoholic beverages. There were 18 in all, piled around an outside table quickly dipping our steamers into the butter so it wouldn't return to a solid.

I know. It's hard work but someone has to do it.

One of the kids suggested a certain amount of money just might get them to jump in the icy water. As those few alcoholic beverages will do, a brave adult soul said, I'll do it for 50 bucks.

Allan, you really only had half a beer at that point.

Donald quickly said he'd do ten, I said I'd do ten... And then Allan said, I'll jump in for No on One. Whatever is raised, I'll give to the campaign. Within five minutes, we had 120 bucks.

And Allan, did in fact, jump in.

All for a good cause, he went in all the way. Because we're all pretty tight with a dollar, we had to see the head go under the water.

I'm going to ask that everyone jump in. Please. Between now and October 15th, the money needed for the last stretch of this campaign must be raised. Anything after that, while useful, isn't nearly as useful. The right wing is calling Maine "ground zero" and well, enough of that. It's not ground zero, just the water is about zero degrees.

http://www.actblue.com/page/noon1

Please leave me a note so I can tell Allan how much his dip raised overall- because the man deserves more than 120 bucks for his heroic efforts. Besides, it sure beats having to run 10K or walk 26 miles yourself.

You want to know what that money buys? Here's a list:

$10,000 * 1 day statewide television buy

*$8,800* 25,000 pieces of literature to ensure our supporters vote the
correct way

*$7,500 * 1,000 2'x4' road signs to put in high traffic areas for visibility

*$6,000 * will pay for needed turn out calls to 12,000 supporters

*$5,250* 1/2 day statewide television buy

*$4,000* will pay for needed turn out calls to 8,000 supporters

*$3,300 *we can blanket the state with radio ads for 3 days

*$2,800* we could hire 1 full time field organizer

*$2,300* gives supporters rides to polls around 4 key campuses

*$2,000* we can blanket the state with radio ads for 2 days

*$1,800* will pay for needed turn out calls to 3,600 supporters

*$1,600* pays for 4 field organizers for 1 week

*$1,200* will cover literature for one key precinct on Election Day

*$1,000* we can blanket the state with radio ads for 1 day

*$800 * pays for one field organizer for a week

*$720 * would fund 20 canvasses in key counties around the state on a
Saturday

*$550 * pays for one channel of cable for a day

*$420* pays for one much needed field organizer for a week

*$330* is 2 radio commercials to beat back their lies

*$210* pays for 70 $3/day cell phones to talk to targeted voters

*$186 * about the cost of 1 radio commercial

*$137* will buy supplies for 4 door-to-door canvasses

*$108* buys about 100 yard signs for visibility

*$72* will pay for signage for visibility for one weekend on a targeted
campus

*$66 *pays for about 20 $3/day cell phones to talk to targeted voters

*$54* buys 50 yard signs for visibility

*$36* will fund supplies for one door-to-door canvass

*$24* buys 20 yard signs for visibility

Please contribute, even if it's what you'd spend on coffee this week. Everything counts.

And then we'll ask Allan why on earth he had brought his swimsuit with him for Columbus day in Downeast.