Amalia Grape Walks the Earth (formerly Another Departure from Eating Disorders)

So Many Possible Titles...

2008-11-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

I could call this entry many many things:

I Now Belong to Two Gyms

Why Jobs Suck

Why Teaching Sucks

Why Having a Large Belly Sucks

Why I Hate Food

Why I Only Appear to Associate with Food

Why is it that I continue to shovel food in my mouth when I'm already in physical pain and have a hard time breathing?

Why? Why? Why?

Where did Monday go?

How the hell am I going to have parent conferences tomorrow when I barely know these kids?

What the fuck 'suit' am I going to put on this swollen gut that won't send me into panic attacks?

How the fuck am I going to get rid of this weight?

But instead, I will say, tomorrow is another day.

Right?

I need a change. My behaviors right now are repetitive and destructive. I seem to only have one good day a week.

I don't quite know what the next best move is. I just don't know.

I want to find a DBT Skills group here in DC. I will have good health insurance that starts Dec 1. So maybe then...

Here's to you guys!

love ya,
A

Itchy

2008-11-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

I finally had a good day yesterday-- a day with clean eating.

Schools were closed so I bagged up 5 contractor trash bags full of baby girl clothes and set out for good will. Dumping those bags was so incredibly liberating! Next I went to vote. Then I got to exercise. If it hadn't been raining, it would have been a perfect day.

I had tickets to see Bad Brains last night. I was going with an old friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. I knew the show was going to suck but I have had feelings for this guy for almost 15 years. Now, the man is married and has children and I would NEVER act on these feelings, but it was pretty fun to see a show and sit in a bar and drink while watching election returns.

I live in DC and the whole city EXPLODED with the news of Obama's victory. I am still teary-eyed and I cry at NOTHING.

I feel hope. I feel hope for so many things and somewhere, in the bottom of that pile, I feel hope for me.

I have a job. I almost have benefits. I sort of have a new band. I have some very high paying tutoring clients. I am running my life just a little more, how I want to run my life. I have had two hellish weeks of binging but I think I am ready to stop now. I'll see my ED doctor tomorrow afternoon to discuss the medications that I do NOT want to take. I'm hardly on anything at the moment. We stopped almost everything else I was taking-- three meds prescribed very specifically to reduce urges to binge. But I thought they were no longer effective. So we decided to start fresh. The med weaning period didn't go very well. I don't like the new/old med he chose for me. He wants me to take a tricyclic and I think he couldn't be more wrong. Tricyclics tend to be weight gainers but he wants me to take it at night ( I have night eating syndrome) and it is also good for people with OCD. But why take a drug that is VERY likely to cause weight gain when that is the greatest source of my anxiety??

I'll report back tomorrow.

Good Brain, Bad Brain

2008-10-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

Brains are neither all good, nor all bad. However, it is the tendency of one with an eating disorder to engage in "black and white" thinking. Sometimes, I engage in black and white thinking.

I haven't posted anything in a very long time.

I got a job-- a real job. I signed a teaching contract with a middle school. My hours are 7:35 am to noon, M to F. My sleep schedule is pretty messed up and my eating has been disastrous.

My ED doctor decided to yank all my meds over the course of a few weeks and then start something new.

I think he picked the wrong new drug. I haven't started it yet- an old tricyclic- but I think he is way off on the this one.

I'm glad to have a job but I'm stressed beyond belief.

And the real reason I'm writing- I just binged like fucking crazy and I'm off to band practice. There is a new band because we aren't working with our crazy singer anymore. But that doesn't change the dynamic of the bandmates with whom I will continue to work.

Today is not lost. I am not lost. I am just very tired, very stressed, and very very full.

I miss you guys and I hope everyone is ok.

I might try to start posting again.

love,
Amalia

Just Back from Baltimore and It's Off to the Tracks!

2008-09-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

I went to see my ED shrink at Hopkins Hospital today. I wasn't supposed to see him until October but I emailed earlier in the week. I needed help. I needed to throw a wrench in the habits and the obsessions before I lost control completely. Exercise seems to have become the most important force in my life again since I can't seem to quit food (Duh, you aren't supposed to quit food).

But when you are working out two hours a day, you don't have too much time to do other things. Or you are so out of it because you are severely anemic you can't think straight to even know what you should be working on.

I also called the surgeon who did my gastric bypass for help. He said I should of called him 6 years ago. He thinks that we just need to attack on issue at a time. He gave me a list of 4 years to do- new bloodwork, keep a food diary (for the night eating and the debilitating gas), get IV iron treatments, and I forget the last one.

Well, I have a PPO insurance plan now. So I'll be paying a deductible and then 20% of all of this. The spiral downward continues. Because addressing these health issues increases my pit of debt and the eating disorder has already put me so far into debt. But do I rationalize this expenditure by saying that this is for real health? I dunno.

My doctor in Baltimore told me to a) chill on exercise and b) increase the remeron (my night anxiety/anti depression pill.

Well, I had tried to quit remeron. Everyone knows remeron is a weight gainer and I have gained 12 pounds in the two years I have been taking. Granted, I have been night eating and bingeing. But Remeron doesn't seem to help my sleep anyway. But that is why he said to increase it. I'll know mighty quick if it makes me gain weight. BUT I DONT WANT TO TAKE ANY MEDICATION IF THERE IS EVEN ONCE OUNCE OF CHANCE THAT IT WILL INCREASE APPETITE AND PUT ON MORE FAT.

Spinning! My head is spinning!

I just want to go to the gym. Today I seem to look a little less puffy, but I was up 3 times last night eating massive quantities of food. And I haven't burned it all of yet. I actually did my resume today instead of working out. But the day isn't over and I have access to a 24 hour gym now and it is chilly in DC but I can still use that roof deck pool.

I should do this, I could do this-- shoulda coulda woulda.....

Dr. R. (he is such a great guy) told me that no one is putting a gun to my head about anything....so I don't need to put a gun to my head either.

My brother with the baby is about to cause his wife to divorce him. More about that later.

I still read blogs here and there. I miss you guys. Erin, I'm proud of you. Love you tons! Summer Jen, I'm thinking of you too! And Z! And Frida! And my other friends who I will keep anonymous.

Love, A

"I'm used to men adoring me!" (I didn't say that)

2008-09-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

This past Friday night, I was visiting with friends. We were at the apartment of someone I do music work with. He lives with his girlfriend-- a sweet, adorable, Spanish national who grew up extremely wealthy and quite privileged. They love to talk about their relationship.

Tonight the girl was speaking about how things started.

"He dumped me! He was so busy with the music business that I asked him, 'do you just want to be friends?' and he said, 'yes'. I about died! My ego was destroyed! I was so used to men absolutely adoring me."

I guess that is how the world works. There are quite a few ladies all over the world who are used to men 'adoring' them. The people that are naturally physically "beautiful" do have a VERY different life than the ones who are "average to unattractive" looking. They just do. The world treats them very differently. I am not saying it is good. I am not saying it is bad. It just is.

I allowed myself to be triggered by that. The last two nights have been pretty intense. I have been self-injurious with food consumption. And today, I'm looking puffier than normal. So now I have something new to dwell on.

There are new records being made. There is a new job coming my way. There is progress. There is also stagnation. I joined a very popular commercial diet club against the advice of my ED shrink. The first week, even with over eating, I lost a few. But I was also working out twice a day. The second week I did not go weigh in. I weighed myself at my parent's house during the middle of the week and I was back at almost the starting weight (there wasn't a huge difference) but I haven't recovered. I WAS retaining water AND had not had a bowel movement in five days, so it might have not even been real weight.

The point is I haven't recovered from that. I haven't gone back to weigh in. And now I probably do have a real gain. It isn't like I haven't been through this before.

I like a real boy. I think he might be interested in me as well. But he doesn't know the me who has the nude body of a 75 year old woman who had 4 children. He doesn't know the body that emits foul odors (thank you bypass) almost all day.

I believe in positive attitudes. I believe in joy. I believe in being met with the energy that you project. But my bass player and x boyfriend put it like this-- "You have a hard time looking at the world with rose colored glasses because you have been disappointed over and over and over again. I want to smile! I want to laugh! I want to feel what I see other people experiencing! Sometimes I can force myself....

I know these feelings are a combination of multiple things- hormone levels, neurotransmitters, adrenal activity, and your entire life experience.

When I started this blog, I wanted to document positives and recovery ( i hate the word recovery, it is a loaded word). I wanted to document growth.

Well there has been growth and there has been stagnation. That is what life is. I know that. I don't want to be a whiner. I just wish, like all of you, that I could wake up and have a very different brain, just for a day. But of course, I would need a very different body.

But the world says before I can quit this ED, I have to love myself UNCONDITIONALLY RIGHT NOW! ACCEPT AND EMBRACE AND CELEBRATE ME!

And the thoughts continue to swirl.

Selfish me- sad me- lonely me- me who wants to be loved- that me wishes that just once, I could know the feeling of real love and adoration.

reconnection

2008-09-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

I really feel the need to re-connect with the culdy girls. I try to fight the urge to sit on the computer and get lost in other people's blogs because I am working on so many things in real life. That's not saying much.

Hope you guys are great.

I Took A Summer Vacation

2008-08-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

I actually just got very lazy about writing. Many things have changed since my last post, and many things are very much the same.

I think a list would be the quickest and easiest way to highlight the changes:

1) My ED doctor finally gave me meds for ADD.
2) I realized that with a little effort, I can make a manageable salary tutoring.
3) I have a weight-lifting regimen constructed for me by a trainer.
4) I was given a key to the building where E's sister lives- she has the pool on the roof deck and the 24 hour gym in the basement.
5) I lost 4 pounds and then gained it back.
6) I am continuing to make efforts to hang out with men.
7) I am recognizing more and more, that it is nearly impossible to get decent medical care unless you are working for a posh organization or a government.
8) My insurance is refusing to pay for the ER visit for my broken ankle last spring. I should only be responsible for the 75 dollar co-pay. Here come the appeals packages!
9) I joined weight watchers today.

I think that many humans are under the impression that life is supposed to be wonderful, magical, enchanted, happy, full of love, full of material comforts, a constant adventure, and simply intoxicating.

It isn't. I am a huge fan of literature that tells stories of woman from other countries who have suffered the most insane monstrosities and take it with a grain of salt. Life is far worse in other parts of the world, my friends. I recently read a book called, "Aman, The Story of a Somali Girl." Aman tells her own true story in first person. She describes a childhood where she was born in the arid bush while her mom is leading the herds to find water. At age 9, she undergoes a clitorectomy. At 11, her white boyfriend is murdered because of the inter-racial dating. By age 13, she had been given away in an arranged marriage and had to run away to escape the insane husband. She is then forced to prostitute as she had no other way to support herself.

Do we really have it that bad?

Another favorite book is called, "The Good Women of China" by Xinran.

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/xinran/home.htm

That is the most disturbing story I have ever read.

Somehow in the last 30 years, Americans have become a society of clinical depressives, anxiety-ridden, bi-polar'ed, ADD'd monkeys that must take pills everyday, just to survive. When did this happen? When did the pharmaceutical companies become the most powerful entity in our lives?

I'm not saying we shouldn't feel sadness. I'm not saying that many of us have not had horrendous horrible things done to us. I'm just saying that we need to keep it in perspective and look outside of our own misery to the real suffering of those in other lands. Have you ever read any books about women growing up in Iraq? Saudi Arabia?

I can't be a hypocrite here because half of my brain time is spent engaging phrases telling me I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough. But I also know that there are so many people that have it so much worse.

Read Xinran.

You won't be the same person.

My doctor would say that I have done a damn good job, yet once again, of avoiding any articulations about my needs and my feelings.

Must sleep.

Quick and Dirty

2008-07-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

I think life has been moderate. Good things happen. Bad things happen. I manage.
I had a great weekend at the shore with my friends. I ate too much. Shocker. The last two days at camp, I have done some shitty eating. Shocker. I am surviving. There is a boy. He could be a good one but I have yet to REALLY hang out with him. Could be a bust, too.

I have/had an idea for a business that encompasses all of my abilities/talents or lack thereof. I started looking into trademarks, started designing the products, and then I started doing some reading about what goes into starting this type of company. Instantly I felt so far out of my league and had my hands on the meals that were supposed to be for the rest of the day. Oops. Panic has passed.

I am recording this afternoon and just sent E an email telling him to be happy and positive because there is no reason not to be.

That's called being proactive.

I'm feeling rather flat but hope everyone is great. You already are.

Thanks

2008-07-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks SB and DG and Erin for writing.

There were a few weeks there where things were going quite well and now I'm in a gentle downward spiral. Music was going well. I had met a few men that seemed like people I could really hang out with. Eating was decent.

There was one boy in particular that I met that seemed like a person I could really BE with. I just had that feeling. I think he did, too. We were supposed to go swimming Monday night and he canceled. He said he had too much work to do. Maybe he did. I tend to think someone in this town told him about the eating disorder or he just read some of my band blogs. Or maybe he really is busy with work.

We had two very cool shows in NYC over the 4th of July weekend. MTV and New York Times were filming. In fact, my band was in the New York Times video blog today. We were the only band they actually played music clips from AND they listed our name on the screen while we played. In truth though, I sucked so hard at that show. The MTV camera man knocked my power cord loose and the organ proceeded to shut itself off and turn itself back on at least 7 times, leaving a total absence of sound. I wanted to die. We were playing in front of at least 1000 people who had never heard us before. The promoter had hyped us to no end. Then I go and SUCK! I ate all weekend. I gained weight. I couldn't deal. Then the boy. And now my campers this session are super annoying.

I know that the cycle will swing in a different direction soon but only if I declare that the cycle swing. I do have the power. All of this is my choice. I will not falter in my pit of pity.

I am condo sitting for a friend who lives in a brand new condo building not far from my place in DC. She has a rooftop pool, a full gym, a fancy business center, coffee every morning, central air, a garage. This has been such a delight! Oh I wish I had a job.

I get weird in the summer

2008-06-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it is never going to get better. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm going to the gym. I know a whole bunch of you need support right now. I'm stuck in my own little well of hell. I'm sorry.

Doors Uhinged

2008-06-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm coming unhinged and I'm not sure why.

Something just feels wrong or off. I can't get food out of my brain. It is now my job to re-route. Go draw a picture. Read a distracting book. Go to the gym.

I know what the issues are: I am overtired. I haven't eaten enough protein today. I started the day with a messy breakfast at 6am. 2 cups of kefir, blueberries, two pieces of sourdough bread, with unsweetened apple butter. My stomach swelled up like a basketball as the intestines filled with noxious fumes. I think yogurt heals me but kefir destroys me. Lunch was ok. Snack is freaking me out. I ate some slices of apple at 3:15 and I wasn't totally hungry. Binge trigger. I am meeting band friends for an early dinner. Came home and had a protein drink with frozen strawberries. I also ate a plum. Thank god it wasn't bread.

There are other things out there beside food. I have interests and skills and talents. I feel so hideously unfocused right now. Not sure where to start. How about a nap.
Oh I want to sleep. But food thoughts are swarming me. Why oh Why oh Why! If I eat recklessly it is because I have chosen to.

I want I want I want I want I need I need I need I need

How bout I am pretty damn lucky to live in a house and have a car and have food and have access to employment and have limbs that work and even a few friends.

I'm chilling out a little. I just need to sleep.

What is up?

2008-06-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

For all of my high talk yesterday, last night didn't go very well. The first day of camp was fine but it was raining when I was driving home. I was too hungry. I had eaten very lightly all day. I bought a bag of SmartFood Popcorn. I just can't handle deviations. It wasn't that it was the end of the world, that bag of popcorn, I had just been so pleased with my food up till that point.

Mind you, I'm obsessed with these 3 fucking pounds. I haven't weighed in a few days. For the best???

So, I got upset when I ate the popcorn. I was bummed that it was raining. I came home and rolled around my room for a while not knowing what to do with myself. Take a nap? Go to the gym? Meditate?

Once the gym popped into my head, I knew that anything less would be another upset. Off to the gym. I did nothing excessive. 15 minutes on the elliptical and weight-lifting till I hit a safe max. At 7:45, I was starving again, and came home to no food prepared.

I started eating raw veggies while trying to figure out what the fuck to eat for dinner. Salad? I had some old lettuce I was trying to get rid of. Chicken patty? With bread or without? Somehow I got it in my head that I would be happy if I made a fresh blueberry vinegarette. Not a smart choice. My stomach started freaking out the second I started eating that salad. Raw sprouts-- I love them, but the guts don't. I made that chicken patty into a sandwich. I was full when I ate one half but I didn't stop there. I finished it, and was stuffed, painfully stuffed. The veggies were gassing up and there wasn't room for that whole sandwich.

I was mad at E. He wanted me to go out late at night to work on our other music project. We yelled at eachother when I expressed that I need to go to bed early for the next 8 weeks. He wanted me to drive him to this guy's house. I silenced myself.

When I got home from the guy's house at 10:30, all I could think of was my frozen yogurt carton, 3/4 full. I ate it while talking to my roommate. I added some pretzels to it, then shoved one cracker, and one ginger snap into my mouth. I was done. That for me is basically a binge and pain for a long time, because the dinner was far from digested.

When I woke up with morning, I was certain that my cheeks were just a tad puffier.

The second day of camp went well, aside from the mounting anxiety. The food cravings are hitting me hard right now, along with the fear of staying heavy forever.

This fear thing....it is high time I let it go. It doesn't really help change anything.

It isn't helpful, thought provoking, or inspiring. It is choking, suffocating, and breeds despair. Once on the path of fear, the road ahead is dark.

I want to jump off that path for the rest of today. It is beautiful outside. I am going for a walk with E now. But there is mounting feelings that I have done something terrible to someone and that everyone is mad at me.

Maybe they are. I can't give a damn.

Hope everyone is ok.

Monday Monday

2008-06-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Camp has begun!

My little afternoon class has just left with our counselor for recess so I have a 20 minute break. Rather than look up calories (or exercise, this place has a gym), I thought I would write a quick post. I am enjoying writing again, even if I don't get to read everyone else's blog on a daily basis, I still find writing incredibly therapeutic and thought-provoking.

I turned it around yesterday. I had a great day.

I went over to my friend's apartment and we went to the 8th floor, to her roof deck pool. I did mini laps for 45 minutes while talking to a very hot guy. My friend opened her mouth and said, "You are talking to a rock star..." which opened up further discussion. I have NO interest in this person, it was just fun to flirt, especially in an environment where I feel the most comfortable and the least comfortable. Bathing suits are a garment that I have NEVER felt comfortable in, not underweight, not overweight, and not now. But there were lots of bodies on that roof and I just didn't care. This is my body and I'm living in it. Bam. The weather was perfect and nothing makes me happier than water. I'm hoping that my friend will invite me over on a regular basis. It is actually E's older sister and she is very very friendly. She always seems to call when I am at my lowest. The two are polar opposites.

I went over to my parents' house for dinner after the pool. Father's Day.

I have really changed my tune with my mother. I am making real strides at simply being pleasant. We had a long time some time ago and I mostly tried to understand what has caused her to act as she has as a mother. I do understand in many ways. It takes an incredibly astute person, a very insightful person, and probably an eating disorder, to realize the errs of our parents and to TRULY BREAK THE CYCLE.

I still don't think I will birth babies-- just to be on the safe side.

The ad that I posted got me about 8 e-mails. Even if the subject line seemed self-deprecating, it certainly weeds out a whole lot of people that I wouldn't even consider wanting to spend time with. I did get some very nice responses, and maybe, just maybe, I will meet a few of these peoples. To quote my shrink, "A, you are not that fucked up."

I had a weird breakfast...leftover vegetables and yogurt, which of course, gave me ridiculous amounts of gas this morning. I spent lots of time running back and forth to the bathroom to spare my campers of the smells on the first day. But it worked out. I have a bathroom just outside my room.

The morning class is mature and thoughtful. I am excited to be working with them. The afternoon class is very young and it is always a challenge to find activities that the are developmentally ready for. I also have less patience for them but I do a great job of teaching to all children so they get the same quality of care, humor, and instruction that everyone else gets.

My counselor is a cool kid, too.

I have just learned that our county has had a water main break and the entire county will have to drink bottled water for the next three days. I'm telling you, things are getting weird out there.

Anyway, I'm blabbering.

Love to all of you, A

Craigslist has all the Answers

2008-06-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

Detroit was honestly a blast. The drive ended up being 9 1/2 hours and we got to the venue at 9:00pm, Friday night. I did most of the driving and the heat was pretty brutal but after eating half a sandwich and drinking a ton of water, I felt pretty good. I had enough time to practicing setting up all the new equipment and boom, at 10:45, we were loading onto stage. The only thing that I didn't do all day was-- mentally rehearse the new songs.

We decided to only play one out of the three new ones. They let me pick the one I felt most comfortable with. I botched it completely. I came in one beat too late, didn't change at the end of the first verse, forgot to switch sound banks at the chorus, and even missed notes during the chorus. I didn't feel too bad as otherwise, the show was amazing. For our stage, we absolutely had the best crowd and afterward, we were inundated with people claiming how blown away they were by the show. It was the first show I had played since the ankle has basically healed and I amped it up to a ridiculous degree but it felt SO GOOD to play. Afterward I was still in a good mood. I was definitely thinking I had to get something sweet to eat-- not because I was craving it, simply because it is my best defense in night eating at the homes of strangers. I got two large cookies from the pizza place downstairs.

We had met a guy whose band is on our old record label and he had invited us to stay at his house. It was a lovely home and I had my own room. The temps had cooled off and I thought I would be ok with food. I ate half of each one of those cookies and I still night ate. I got up twice and ate some banana bread that the wife had made that was sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Their bedroom door was open and I was sure she heard me. The next day I noticed that the bread had been entirely removed from the counter. I sent a text message to the husband and apologized. He said no problem and wasn't upset at all.

Now the shitty part is that I have been eating TONS of food that belongs to my roommates. I have to stop once and for all. It is mentally destroying me. I worry about it constantly. I always want what other people have and I have to stop.

Also, I got on the scale. Old habits die hard. A few weeks back, without trying, I had suddenly lost 3 pounds. It stayed off for almost two weeks. I had a bad week last week and the little bitches are back. Oh do I feel bad. The difference between 147 and 144, in my mind was profound. 144 made me feel so close to the 130's, and the 130's made me feel close to the 120's, where I truly believe I could rest easily. I don't long for the bones and the cold of days gone by. I long for smaller.

I am going to visit my friend who has a pool on the roof deck of her apartment. I am going even with a stomach full of gas. This could be a mistake. Then I am supposed to meet my parents for dinner. Camp starts tomorrow.

I have a list of things to do that is 100 miles long, and I always have so much anxiety before camp starts.

This morning, I put yet another ad on Craigslist. The subject line read, "Poor Flabby Musician with Smelly Farts seeks companion"

I have gotten some replies. Maybe this will be the time I actually meet some people.

Happy Father's Day. Ha Ha.

There's a Hole in the Bucket, dear Liza

2008-06-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is not a tremendously positive post. It is not pure evil but not very hopeful.

We are leaving for the festival in Detroit early tomorrow morning. Thanks to everyone who wrote. I forget to write back to comments but I read them and I take them very seriously. It just means a lot that we are connected.

E might be a nasty nasty person, but he is effective in scaring me into practicing. I have learned how to use the stupid sequencer and now I have three instruments that I use live. We'll see how it comes across live though. Might not be too snappy.

I was walking around with him tonight. We had to go to 2 different CVS's so I could find velcro to secure my mixer (a whole separate unit) onto my red organ. We passed the street where I last lived with my ex boyfriend. This was the last place I lived where I still had the anorexia in tact. This was the place where I forced the boyfriend to lock me in our room every night, so I couldn't eat.

When we broke up, I felt like it was the end for me, not because I was going to miss him, because no one would be able to stop me from night eating, certainly not me.

I thought about where I am in my life now, and I'll be perfectly honest here-- I'd go back in one second. I still don't really care for most of humanity. I still can't really support myself (or choose not to). I still have a bizarre-looking body and produce horrible smells (gastric-bypass gas ain't pretty) on a very regular basis. I still walk around looking at new apartments and people coming out of restaurants and people who don't have 10 pounds of loose skin hanging from their body and I'm envious. Its not exactly envy, it is more like I'm simply full of longing. Acceptance, recovery, weeeee.

I just want to have to be free.

Smells, debt, lots of loose skin, some moderate amounts of fat, and a debilitating habit of eating when I should be sleeping-- those are my shackles. My ADD is a shackle.

I don't really buy lottery tickets. I just choose to put the tiny amounts of money I have into stock which I have no business playing with.

This is all about fear.

I have lots of reason to fear.

I missed that teeny tiny body so much it hurts. I know you guys write about it, too and I feel like an ass for saying it, but sometimes I need to let it out. I still feel like I lost the only good thing I ever had. You know, if I had just cut calories a little, and did a lot of weight lifting, things may have been very different. But I am a person of extremes. All or nothing.

Very often, nothing. Or weak attempts at something and then I wait for E to bail me out.

More on this later.

I have to drive all day tomorrow in a hot dirty van with no AC and my wonderful band so we can lose money on gas.

Bikes! Let the world be overtaken by bikes! and reindeer

To Erin

2008-06-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

Erin, I'm pulling for you, my friend. Love, A

Hope, Heart, Healing, Feeling

2008-06-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my bedroom with the the AC window unit pumping and a fan blowing. The last few days I have not listened to music other than that open my band. I am still desperately trying to learn new songs and learn to use the sampler. Through this process, E has been more verbally cruel than I ever quite remember. Yesterday I couldn't take it. I sat there silently sobbing while trying to practice, re-write, play with them, record. He just doesn't understand that a fearful brain simply isn't available for learning. While I was trying to play, I was mentally planning to resign. That was making me cry even harder. The one thing that I have that connects me to the world at large, well, I was about to sever it. I have never quit. He has never fired me. But yesterday I was about there.

When we were driving back to the city, I still continued to cry. There was an intense thunder/lightning storm the whole way back and I felt like quite the little drama queen.

You know what was running through my mind more than anything though? I gained back those little 3 pounds that I lost. That was the kicker. Hopeless, I said to myself, over and over and over. No band, no respect, no admiration, and fat. I forgot to add old. I suddenly seem to be aging.

Now, I have come to recognize this thought pattern as the black and white thinking of a person with an eating disorder.

By the end of the ride, E had vented his frustration, which he has done over and over and over. He feels like he can't work of ANY of his own parts, his own sounds, because he spends SO MUCH TIME babysitting me. And he does. I so rarely take the time to work on my stuff at home. My brain is still quite engaged in thoughts about food, my body, exercise, diet changes, weight, and about a million other ED things. Of course, add the attentional issues, and the not-so-great short term memory, and I'm a whole basket of fun to be in a band with.

I just don't know anymore. Am I trying to fit a square peg in a round whole? Or would I really get better, write better, play better, remember more, if I practiced, and listened to music, on my own time. I probably would get better to a point. But at this point, E will NEVER respect me. He has known me since I was 15 and has actively warned me about every amount of craziness that I have ever engaged, long before I did it. Don't diet, don't take pills, don't have life-altering surgery, don't continue to violate nature, don't weigh and measure your food, don't try to kill yourself by starving. I didn't listen. The quest for societal approval was too strong and I clearly never got it.

If you make food you like, and eat some of it, on a regular basis, you don't gain weight. If you eat slowly, listen to your body, and stop when you are full, your body will naturally find its set point.
The more we starve, the more we binge, we put on the highest pedestal, and make it the greatest weapon, pointed straight at our hearts and brains.

The scale is a murderer. Denying, restricting, those are destroyers. Food is good. Food is ok. Every kid I know who grew up in a house with plenty of food and liberal access to it, does not binge. Food is no big deal.

We have to practice making food a 'no big deal' every day.

I didn't binge last night (not till night eating anyway, well not a real binge).

I went home, marinated some chicken, combined it with brown rice I had made earlier in the day, and ate it with some of the Asian food E's mom had made for me. I ate a little past fullness but then went upstairs. I talked on the phone with a new friend in CA who has an ED. We talked for 2 hours. I walked in my neighborhood for part of that time.

That was a real connection to a real human and we supported each other for 2 hours. This is the hardest time of day for me. I have now spoken to Erin more than once, and those conversations are pretty fantastic. We need to talk to humans, too.

I ate another smaller meal at 1 am. I was hungry and that was my 'snack'. Things were almost cool. I went to bed at 2 and popped up at 3 and eventually got the lock off my door. I ate a pb and j sandwich. The PB was not mine. I also ate a bowl of my roommate's ice cream.

Today, the real issue, is that I am going back to band practice, and I still might not have mastered those new songs. Will he offer verbal abuse? Probably. Am I going to quit? Doubt it. A healthy person would quit or try to get better.

I am going to beg my beloved ED shrink for ADD meds. BEG.

I am getting healthier. I am getting better. It is going to take a long time. I have no expectation of greatness by tomorrow morning.

I think it is a HUGE success that I didn't binge last night. I didn't lay around watching ED movies on YouTube. I talked on the phone, didn't isolate (didn't practice which I should have) but I made a new friend, a new friend who is just starting to battle the ED, and she needed support. Talking to her was just as helpful for me.

So today I can't say what will happen. I can say I will do my best. I will try not to cry even if E is horrible because I have to make his words lose their power as long as I stay in this band.

I know I have been commenting much on other people's blogs. I feel heavy guilt about this. I have been crazy ass busy and beg forgiveness from everyone.

I am sending out a basket of love to everyone. I have never asked this before but if you are a person who prays, would you pray for me? I don't know what I believe in but I do believe in the power of positivity, connectedness, and love in the universe.

Feelings

2008-06-08T10:25:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in my bedroom right now crying. The most immediate reason for the tears is because I am about to go to band practice and I have to start using a sampler while I am also doing organ parts. We have a festival to play in Detroit this coming Friday and we want to play 3 new songs. I have to use the sampler on all 3 of the songs. I also have keyboard parts. Each new song has one row of triggers designated for it but then there is a top row of triggers that has additional sounds, and a full set to go with each lower trigger. The lower triggers are on loop and they can go out of tempo instantly. This is the most complex tool I have ever had to use and I can't remember what sounds go where in the song and which button and which set will trigger the sounds that I am supposed to use. And I am still supposed to play some organ in the middle of this. I want to vomit. I just called E to ask what time he wanted to leave for practice and when he asked how it was going, I said not too great and explained my current status with this sampler. He just said "well you are going to have to simplify and breath....you get really tense".

I get really tense because he screams at me and calls me names. I get tense because I want to write out each song and where I am supposed to make each sound.

I cried when I had to add a second keyboard two years ago.

I am supposed to go out with a newer boy for dinner very late tonight. I already know that E will want to go to his parent's house after practice and have dinner there. I will be a tense mess. It will be an issue that I want to come back to the city. Actually I could just drop him at his parents because his sister might be there and can bring him back to the city after they have dinner. Right now, I need to get my shit together and stay calm and breathe and tell myself I WILL LEARN THIS TOOL. I WILL NOT BE FLUSTERED BY E WHO IS SIMPLY MAKING NOISE.

I have 25 minutes before we will leave. Should I be making lunch to take to practice? Should I be practicing? I probably shouldn't be writing a blog post but it seemed like a better idea to at least write a little bit and get some of this out of my head before the slaughter begins.

Trying to do 3 songs at once is not a good idea either.

I am calmer now. Brains that are fearful are not operating at their best. I wish that E would learn that. I am working on teaching him that. I have been working on it for 5 years. There has been some slight progress. I guess that everything good takes time.

My progress for the weekend-- I finally have decent fabric on my windows. I can't tell you what a difference it has made.

Last night was a mess, but I'll post about that later.

Peace.

Bodywork Sparks the Rebel!

2008-06-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my first 'body work' session with a very good friend. My friend, K, teaches Qui Gong, and meditates with my meditation group or 'sangha'. Another friend of mine, J, who is a crack addict in recovery, recommended I begin work with K, as he felt he had made tremendous progress with K's help. It seemed like a smart thing to do since I have quit going to my ED counselor.

Now I think a lot of you know that I use a bizarre locking system with a time-locked safe to prevent myself from night eating. Every now and again, the system fails, or I fail the system. For some reason, Monday morning, the safe wouldn't open. I couldn't get my key out, and I was locked in my room. In the past, I have used all sorts of weird tools to physically remove the lock from the door in the middle of the night so I could race to the kitchen and eat. The mornings after I do this are incredibly painful, both emotionally, and physically. I have intense stomach/gas pains that can last all day (side effect of the gastric bypass) and the terror from the extra calories can trigger some restriction. But lately, the system was working quite well. I had managed to remove most bobby pins, nail clippers, hair clips, ANYTHING that I could use as a screwdriver to unscrew the latch for the lock.

I was shocked when the safe wouldn't open. This had happened a few times before but only around daylight savings and other things like that. Now, I have a window high above my door that I could probably climb out of in an emergency but it would have been a BITCH to get up there and get through it. I also have a fire ladder but my room is pretty far from the ground level. I dug through the closet and eventually found a stiffer hair pin that I could use as a screwdriver to remove the largest screw. E has helped me reinforce these screws several times and they were pretty secure.

Now the problems started. I couldn't open my safe for the next 3 days. I ate 2 times every night. I knew there was an emergency key to open it but I couldn't find any opening for that key. The manual is written in German (I special ordered this safe from Germany) and I couldn't find it anyway.

Well, my bodywork session was scheduled for 11 am. I desperately wanted to NOT HAVE GAS when I saw K for the first time. I woke up intense stomach pain and started eating more. NOT GOOD! The guts were in bad shape when I got to his house.

We talked for a full hour before I got on the table. I told him about the gas (in addition to telling him EVERYTHING else). He told me that he had gone to a retreat taught by a proctologist. The whole retreat was above embracing and understanding all of the features of the rectum. People walked around naked and farting with eachother for a week. When someone farted, they were supposed to thank them. They took enemas and analyzed feces. This was all to reduce the stigma of the body functions. K told me that he wanted me to feel comfortable with gas and if need be, he would be HAPPY to light a match if it would make me more comfortable. My embarrassment was lessened to a degree. However, when I finally did get on the table, his massage did trigger my guts to want to release gas and I couldn't do it. When I hold it in, it gets trapped and hurts for the rest of the day.

We did have a great session. His hands were amazing and healing. He also did a guided visualization where he told me to go back to my childhood, where I first learned to hate my body and fear food. Then he told me to go even further back and re-teach myself the right lessons. I did it. He told me I can do this visualization ANY TIME for ANY DISTORTED BRAIN VOICE. We can all do this if we want to! If you try it, please tell me how it goes.

But when I left, I still had no solution for my lock. The anxiety wasn't acute but I knew I couldn't afford to buy a knew safe. The first one was over 200 bucks with international shipping.

When I got home last night, ALL of my roommates were in the kitchen cooking wonderful meals. I can't stand when the kitchen is full. I like to prepare food and eat when no one is around. Also, I always want what other people are cooking. I know that isn't great but that is my behavior.

I pictured eating their food after they all went to sleep-- taking a few bites of each dish, as to not show that anything was missing.

I waited till they were done and finally made some food. One of the girls gave me a bowl of her pasta and I ate that bowl, plus too much of my own food. And sadly, the belly being too full was giving me the anxiety that leads to a binge. It was pouring or I would have gone to 7-11 and bought one decent sized dessert. That might have ended it. But I didn't. I went to the kitchen several times that evening and through the night. I ate their food, opened a bag of cookies (not mine), made shitty sandwiches with bread (not mine), and even took the lock off the door in the middle of the night, even after I was so relieved to have it functional again. I was still in binge mode when I woke up with morning. I made some stupid smoothie out of their soymilk, frozen fruit, cocoa, and liquid saccharin. I haven't done that in a long time.

At 11 pm last night, I finally asked my roommate, M, for help. He is the satellite engineer who helps me constantly with every technical challenge I face. He figured out how to take the front panel off to use the key.

Even with the lock system working again, I took the lock off and ate three times.

I weighed myself yesterday, too. I had lost a few pounds the week before and thought I might see another small drop. I didn't. It was the same. That was another 'no no'.

So I think I am done with the maladaptive behaviors for now. I need to go to the grocery store. I need to cook. I need to go to the gym. I need to get rid of some more farts. And I need to start drawing again. Last week was much better because I was doing three art projects at once. It was the perfect thing to deal with my challenge of focusing on one thing at a time.

The night before I wasted watching ED movies on YouTube and exercising alone in the dark since my window shade is gone. Nothing I can do about that. Maybe I learned something, like, don't watch ED movies in the dark while exercising.

Well, I am ending this on a positive note. I have a good music friend in town tonight and I will go see his band play and hang out. If I can get my ass out of the door, I will walk to the gym and then get some groceries.

I might put another ad on Craigslist looking for people in my neighborhood to go on walks late at night. I love to put ads on Craigslist but I never meet with anyone who writes me (for dinners, for dates, for anything). I loose steam really quick. But walks in the neighborhood are pretty doable. This time, I'll get it right.

Have a peaceful day!

I am going to enjoy this day. It is a gift

Decisions, Decisions

2008-06-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

I saw my beloved psychiatrist last Wednesday. I had not seen him since March, as we had been on tour and then my ankle was broken.

We had a great conversation. I am still dialoging with him about my OCD, ADD, and all of the related nonsense. This was the first time I really communicated how much the obsessive compulsive disorder plays into the ED. I also finally articulated how intensely difficult it is to make a decision.

Decision-making has to do with trusting yourself. It has to do with knowing that you are able to make judgment calls about what is best for you (or others and the rest of the world). I presented a classic example of my difficulties with decisions. It took me two weeks to decide if I would purchase a new battery for my pedometer. I was evaluating a) should I use it again? b) should I order one? would it be cheaper? c) should I go to CVS? d) when will I go to CVS? Two weeks and lots of brain time.

Then I told him I had also been spending a lot of brain time thinking about how I was going to increase my income and stability, to the point where I can pretty much guarantee that I will make $2200 a month (what I need to pay my bills and debt). His response- two weeks spent on job thoughts is valid. Anything short of that, anything less important- make a quick decision and let it go. What should I eat is a huge one. Where should I grocery shop? When should I grocery shop? Should I go to multiple stores to save money? Should I buy organic? Should I return groceries? Should I try this recipe? Should I try that recipe? Be a vegan? A fruit-eater? Stop carbs again? Too much brain time.

I think meditation helps. I think having this new awareness helps. I think learning to trust myself is a GREAT IDEA. When I stay present during band practice, I can actually follow discussions about song parts and structuring instead of crying when I get yelled at for having no idea what is going on. Additionally, I realized that I need to be present because I have a knack for knowing how songs should be structured and how many times parts should be played, where they should come, how long they should go. When I am present, I can write the catchiest damn lines. I can make those decisions. Sometimes my band mates listen, sometimes not. But perhaps over time, I can slowly, possibly, earn their respect? They tend to think that I throw out 70%bullshit, and 30% good ideas. I think they are wrong.

But back to decisions. It is now a goal for me to spend less time agonizing over each move I make during the day. It is also a goal for me to stop obsessing over who will get mad at me for each decision I make. And the biggest one- not engage at least some of my OCD behaviors. My OCD behaviors are visual-- I need everything clean (not for bacterial reasons, for visual reasons) and I need things to be ordered properly-- all for visual purposes. Now I know nothing bad will happen if I don't have things in order. I am simply VERY agitated until they are. That's where meditation comes in. I can't control everything. But I can control my breath. I can enjoy my breath.

I learned how to BBQ last night. I am slowly getting over my fear of fire and my roommate taught me how to start the grill. I grilled my dinner all by myself! Now, it may have been more fun to do it with other people, but I couldn't possibly share food. Not yet anyway. I can bake sweet things for others but I have a hard time sharing the healthy things.

These things might not seem directly related to the ED but they really are. The ED loses power when I trust myself, when I learn new things, when I make myself nice dinners and try new foods and recipes and preparation styles. It loses power when I throw food in the trashcan when I am full (my visual OCD wants the plate clean and the food accounted for).

So today is a good day (despite not getting out of the house yet). I made my list of morning goals and have gotten through 4 out of 6. Not bad. Good.

And the best part of all-- I spent a LOT of time starting new art projects this weekend. I am EXCITED about each new idea. I love PROGRESS!

What the doctor really did say....

2008-05-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

I took the day off yesterday.

I had grand plans of going for walk, going to the gym, getting an oil change, making some art-- all of the things I don't get to during the week. My doctor appointment was at 3:45 so I figured I would slowly make my way to the suburbs.

The morning started off well. I cleaned, started cutting colored paper that I was placing on my bedroom walls to cover ugly marks left by the last tenant (some 7 years ago). I decided to trim the hideous shredded bottom of my green window shade so it would at least be clean-looking. I climbed up on the radiator, did what I had to do and began admiring my work. Then, BAM!

I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I looked down and my x-acto knife was sticking straight out of the top of my foot. It was deep but I just yanked it out without thinking. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. The thing bled till late last night when I put super glue in it. I probably should have gotten a stitch or two but it seemed stupid to go the the emergency room for one stitch.

So, I still cut lots of neat-o wall art but didn't get many of the other things done.

And this is what the doctor had to say:

You are still very anemic and Vit D deficient. You don't absorb iron well and you don't store it (duh, I had a gastric bypass). Then she started asking about osteoperosis, menstrual periods, and about my stomach function.

I told her about my stomach. Debilitating gas, diarrhea, constipation, and bloating, usually everyday. She tested me for celiac disease but also suggested that I might have a bacterial overgrowth in my small intestine. I happen to be 100% certain I have bacterial overgrowth in my small intestine. But she still wants me to see a gastroenterologist and make me do hydrogen and methane breath tests which aren't all too accurate.

The treatment is first antibiotics to kill off the overgrowth and then probiotics to try to build up the healthier bacteria.

I wish we could have just done that.

But I am THRILLED that I might get some relief from my constant stomach agony. I always had hope that it would get better.

I just love progress.

I cleaned out a little of the jungle that is my urban backyard this morning. I now have some potted herbs and vegetables. I will probably get a few more. This is SO IMPORTANT TO ME! I am kind of obsessed with not buying expensive produce from stores and my farmers market is even more expensive.

I have been meditating. Meditation, for me, is a very good thing.

This weekend is going to be full of band practices. I never wrote about the last blow-out with our vocalist. It was rather traumatic. This is the first time we are together since then. Shows were canceled, and hopes dashed.

But there is always hope.

love you guys.

The doctor said.

2008-05-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

I had significant blood work done last Friday. Tuesday morning I got a message from the physician's office that I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss the results. I am trying not to speculate. If my vitamin or mineral levels were low, she would have called me to tell me to take more or new supplements.

I just have an odd feelings.

In 2005, I had a series of spinal MRI's as I have a bizarre sensation that my spine was sticking through my back and digging into everything. That was due in part to being undernourished and underweight. The MRI showed some mildly herniated and bulging discs. There was also one "hot spot" in one of the upper mid verterbrae. Further exploration said that it was a 'benign hemangioma', a little bruising.

In the last several months, I have felt this odd twinge in that same spot. It used to come only sporadically and I just thought it was a muscle knot. Now it comes and stays, all day, every day. It isn't pain, it is just an odd sensation, but I feel it getting bigger. Actually it is now becoming painful when I take a large breath.

We'll see. Appt is tomorrow, Friday, 3:45.

It'll be fine.

Peace.

I Remember

2008-05-27T15:11:00.001-07:00

I remember when I starting writing this blog, I had hoped to contribute something positive to this community. This is a great place to vent and to get feedback but I want to remind myself that this is also a forum to talk to myself in a hopeful and uplifting way. I am not speaking affirmations exactly, but a personal dialog to think things through and pull out the challenges and the lessons.

Sunny Days

2008-05-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am feeling kind of positive right now. That feeling of positivity is a choice. I like that feeling.

Last night I was reflecting on a lot of different things that have happened in the last year or two or five. Despite all of the battles, I have made tremendous progress in many areas of my life. That progress continues every day. Moods are supposed to go up and down. Messes will be made. And by golly gosh, bodies are infinitely changing. If I had to choose between a body missing limbs or a body ravaged with disease, I would gladly take mine. I mean no disrespect to any human because I truly love and value people/animals in every condition. My point is simply that my body is serving me. If I treat it with care, respect, love, and honor, it will continue to serve me. It is important to me to try to consume less pesticides, less genetically-altered foods, less chemicals and preservatives. I have even stopped using artificial sweeteners. That is HUGE. It is important to me to push my household recycling, reduce our use of power, and leave less of a 'carbon' print on the world at large. In both of these areas, I have made tremendous progress. I can't change the world but I am responsible for my own behaviors and I can gently offer some insights into change for those around me.

I know I'm rambling a little. I have a student coming in five minutes but I just want to write a little reflection before he gets here.

Hope everyone is enjoying this weekend!

Love you all.

The Battle Continues

2008-05-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

I do apologize for not posting.

I have not seen my shrink since mid-March.

I stopped seeing my ED counselor for financial reasons and time constraints.

I thought if I ignored some things, they might go away.

At this point, in whatever place (place in life in general) I am living in, I believe this ED or lack of it, to be a set of deeply ingrained maladaptive behaviors. I believe that my brain is so well schooled in how to fire neurons on paths that spark these behaviors, that I will need major interruptions and re-training and new stimulation, to re-set and reboot.

I know that some of these resets and reboots can begin with a regular practice of insight meditation. I have started meditating again-- alone and in a group. My natural rebel, however, kicks in when I say, "OK I am going to meditate 30 minutes a day every day. But I think I noticed late last week, I was calmer in general and more thoughtful about food, and I think more thoughtful about my life.

Then I rebeled. Big Time. I don't know what happened starting Sunday. I think I have been bingeing since then, or eating recklessly. I do know what happend. Some seriously bad stuff with my band happened. More on that later.

But somehow, with all that eating, and without trying, I have lost a few pounds. I can certainly afford to lose a few, but I wasn't trying. I was bingeing.

I think I have diabetes. I'm getting a blood glucose test today if I can manage to fast for a few more hours.

I can't stop drinking water. I can't stop peeing. I have had fungal infections on my skin for months despite multiple ointments of steroidal strength. If I do have diabetes, I brought it on myself.

I am not really worried. I'll just wait and see what the tests reveal.

I think my band might be winding down. Our singer is just not on the same boat as we are. We are tired of fighting for something with every ounce of human energy available when all of the players are not on that boat. E is already starting something new. It is still going to be the 3 of us but we are also asking our label manager to play with us, and working with a female vocalist. I'm not excited. I havent indulged the feelings yet but I feel like my child has died. I have no close family. I have no friends (not true, I do, but sometimes I feel like I don't) . I only have this band.

It hurts. I loved us.

I know that in Buddhist teachings, it is longing and craving that causes suffering. I would like to not suffer. It is up to me.

The weather has been amazing and I have two feet again. I have been walking some and that is amazing to me.

I am going out with a new boy tonight. I have NO feelings for him whatsoever. But he has been asking me out for two months so I finally gave in. ANY break from my routine is a good thing.

I have a real stalker who lives in the neighborhood next to mine. He has done some deep searching and found my unlisted home phone number. He knows my address and he calls late at night. My roommates know the drill. I am waiting for him to show up when I am taking out the trash in the alley at midnight.

I'll be ready.

I hope you guys are great. Have a beautiful weekend. Breathe.