thellers' thoughts

Wedding Website

2007-08-16T17:25:00.001+01:00

We have a wedding website! :)

...well, a holding page, for now!

Willpower

2007-05-22T13:36:00.000+01:00

It's a wonderful thing, willpower. The ability to stop yourself doing stuff that you enjoy because you know you shouldn't. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have any.

No... I'm not going to admit to having had a massive relapse into smoking. Nor have I developed a drink habit. Instead, my downfall is home-made cakes and pastries of the type sold by the quaint little village shops here in Bakewell in the beautiful Peak District. See, in my bid to get more organised, I seem to have got myself into a weird sort of mental agreement with myself whereby if I forget to make my lunch for the day, I have to then go and buy far too much lunch at one of these lovely places. Today, for example, I didn't pack myself a lunch so, instead of just buying a light salad and perhaps a piece of fruit, I felt it only right that I buy a (deliciously) massive ham salad sandwich loaded with (scrumptious) full-fat home-made coleslaw, accompanied by a (delightful) ham and cheese pastry thing and, just to top it all off, a massive brick of (gorgeous) lemon shortbread.

Now, I hasten to add, all of this stuff (which I bought from a rather excellent sandwich shop the delights of which I have not sampled before) was absolutely gorgeous...but now here I am, full, bloated, lethargic and wondering why, oh why, I just couldn't say no.

Crack cocaine? Life-ruining and treachorous.
Heroin? The scurge of modern society.
Crystal Meth? Dangerously addictive and evil.

But what, I ask, is the government doing about home-made chocolate brownies and lemon drizzle cake?

FA Crap

2007-05-21T09:31:00.001+01:00

Was it the awful playing surface at our shiny new national stadium, with the grass cut several millimetres too long for a football pitch and which after 45 minutes had started to look like a very expensive cow-field? Was it all a tactical master-stroke by 'The Special One', aiming to quench the fire and pace of the oppostion? Or was it just two groups of 11 men tired, jaded and not really that bothered after 60+ matches each in a season?

Whatever the reason, Saturday's FA Cup Final was one of the worst games of football in recent memory, particularly the first 45 minutes which was genuinely surreal, with both sides just knocking the ball about in a fashion usually reserved for the last game of a group stage in a tournament where both teams just need a draw to go through.

Now, I'm sure if we had won my attitude may be somewhat different, but as it stands I cannot come to any other conclusion. It was a dire affair... slow, tepid, dispassionate, with poor passing, no flair. no ambition and no displays of skill or pace on display. These are the two best teams in the country and two of the best in Europe, yet we saw very little worth watching in two hours, save for Chelsea's one coherent move which led to the one and only goal of the game after 116 minutes of diabolical drudgery.
My love for football remains undying, but with games like this, it makes you question why you invest so much time, effort and raw emotion into this sport that can let you down and hurt you so often.

:(

Bollocks Story #1

2007-04-03T11:48:00.000+01:00

There was this cat -- a ginger one of smaller-than-average size -- that went by the name of Horatio that was very good indeed in the mathematical discipline of calculus*.

During the mid 90's, this cat went on a U.K. tour, playing mainly at provincial theatres, doing these extraordinarily complex equations on stage, as a kind of performance art. The audiences started off poor, but slowly built to a respectable size; the profits started to mount and things began to look quite good indeed. In 1998, he appeared on two late-night television shows (both on Channel 4).

In the spring of 1999 he was offered a book deal and teamed up with a ghost writer who had previously written a number of celebrity 'autobiographies', mainly for Premiership footballers. The book, Horatio decided, would be called "The Sum of All Things".

Unfortunately, soon after work began on the book, Horatio developed a rare infection of the paws and died. His book was never completed and his story has, until now, never been told.

*Horatio never wrote anything down owing to the fact that he had no opposable thumbs. Thankfully though he was fluent in English, speaking with what some thought was an accent from the Swindon area, although the cat was born and raised in the Wirral.

Seeing Wed

2007-03-22T12:49:00.001Z

Yet again it's been ages since I've blogged. I sicken myself. I am a low-down, filthy, worthless, vile, disgraceful excuse for a blogger. I apologise to my many readers for any disappointment caused. If I were taken outside and given a severe beating by a gang of rowdy BMF* activists then I could blame no-one but myself. I am, dear readers, truly, truly sorry.

Right, so, anyway... on with the post.

First off... I'm getting married! :) I can hardly believe it myself as it all seems a bit surreal, but it's for absolutely for real. I popped the question to my lovely lady in Venice a couple of weeks back and (thank Christ) she instantly said yes! The real 'fun'** part starts now: finding venues, arranging dates, working out a budget (and, my God, these things are expensive nowadays aren't they?!) and so on... All part of the rich tapestry of life, I guess. First on the list of things to sort out is a venue... it's going OK-ish, but trying to find somewhere that's a viable travelling distance for all guests, is smart, classy and tasteful, has plenty of space for our number, and is also affordable is proving to be no mean feat.

At least half this decision-making stress would be removed were we actually religious in which case hours and hours of internet searches for a suitable Civil Ceremony venue would be completely unnecessaryand there'd be only one place to be getting married... Still, neither of us is actually religious, so it's a-Googling we go, trawling through lists of hotels, manor houses, country clubs and the like trying to find the perfect spot.

Adding to the difficulty is that oh-so-useful but oh-so-troublesome website TripAdvisor, which I feverishly refer to whenever trying to find a good hotel for a business trip, but which also curses me with other people's (sometimes negative opinions) about the possible venues for the most important day of my life. End result: we find a perfectly-suitable looking venue, only for me to start getting itchy when I see that someone only gave it 1 out of 5 on TripAdvisor in 2004 because they had a fall-out with the restaurant manager!

Anyway, our search continues and this weekend we start actually looking around some places. Perhaps, just perhaps, we'll fall in love with the first venue and the job, as they say, will be a good 'un.

I just don't think it'll be quite that simple, some how...!

Anyway, enough of the negativity already!! I'm absolutely ecstatic about the whole thing really and it's all extremely exciting (and I'm the bloke, so I can only imagine how much Esther is thinking about it!). I'm sure there'll be plenty more to talk about in coming weeks and months, so get ready to join me on an interactive journey through wedding organisation!***

* Blog More Frequently
** read: 'extremely stressful'
*** if/when I can actually be bothered to write in the blog

Tactical McClarity... The Result

2007-02-07T22:03:00.000Z

Nah... didn't think so.

I was right. We suck.

Tactical McClarity

2007-02-07T12:46:00.000Z

Steve McClaren, the FA's plan B, the England manager nobody ever wanted took part in a press conference this week, prior to England's friendly with Europe's other great underachievers Spain.

McClaren was asked by the reporters about Wayne Rooney's fitness for the match, after taking a knock on Sunday, followed by some questions about his squad selection and the 'system' for this game. It's impressive just how much nonsensical double-talk one man can give. The question was whether Gareth Barry (of Aston Villa) had missed out on a place, and who would play left back and left midfield.

Just look at this ...

Reporter: At left back you've got Phil Neville, was Gareth Barry [of ASton Villa, who has been on excellent form this season for Aston Villa, playing primarily at left midfield, occasionally at left back] close to being picked?

SM: Yes, yes he was close. But if I want to play players in an international game -- Gareth's not played for a while -- I want them to play in the position he plays for his club, where he's most comfortable, and [for Gareth Barry] that is left side midfield, so I've decided instead to play Phil Neville [at left back, although Neville has played more games for Everton as a defensive midfielder, which is the position he was actually bought to fill in the first place, and has been less than electric while playing at left-back for the first half of this season].

Reporter: So Frank [Lampard, who always plays as a central attacking midfielder for Chelsea and England] is going to play left side midfield for you, is he?

SM: (flashes an uncomfortable grin). Yeah that's right. It's, erm, I want -- I'm trying to be a bit, erm, it's an opportunity to try something and to expand upon what we did in the Holland game, obviously different personnel, so we're trying things, we're looking at different personnel, different players, and we're aiming for, er, a good performance, really.

Bollocks, Steve. Just bollocks. Why don't you just admit the truth, which is something more along the lines of this...

Reporter: So Gareth Barry misses out on the team then?

SM: Yes, Phil Neville has been better at defensive midfield for Everton, but I know he's played left-back for England before, so I thought he was the safe option, which is what I like.

Reporter: So why not play Barry at left midfield, since he's on good form with Aston Villa and your first choice, Joe Cole, is injured?

SM: Well I've told Frank Lampard he can play on the left now and I can't really drop Frank Lampard, now can I? I mean, come on... it's Frank Lampard! He's really good isn't he? And he's famous. And he plays for Chelsea, who are also good.

Reporter: Then why not play Lampard in the middle, which is his natural position?

SM: But then I could have to drop Steven Gerrard... I mean, come on... it's Steven Gerrard!...

etc... etc...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

I mean, I could be eating my words tomorrow, but somehow I just can't see it... :-(

One United Woes

2007-02-02T13:33:00.000Z

I love Man United and I always have. And we're going to win the league this year (fingers crossed) which is superb. I'm also hoping they'll get to the first FA Cup Final at the new Wembley stadium, now that it's finally finished... wishful thinking at this early stage, I know, but there's a decent chance that it will happen. If they do get there, I'd love to go... so I thought I'll pull my finger out and actually join the official United fan club, One United. I did this, no bother, and then I saw that One United members could also sign up for extra free content and stuff from the United website. 'Brilliant!', I thought. I'll do that.

What a fucking nightmare. The whole process was so shambolically crap (and I do the whole web/applications/ticketing/football thing for a living, so I know my stuff)... so bad, in fact, that I felt the need to send a massive long email to their website team. It's only right and fair, I thought, that I share it with you. It's actually not funny or entertaining, but it does prove that I don't think that absolutely EVERYTHING Man U do is brilliant :)

So, here it is, verbose...

Hi,

I'm having problems with your e-Membership and would like some help, as well as to offer some feedback.

First, let me point out that I am actually a Project Manager in the Web Application Development industry, working in the ticketing (for football) sector and currently working on a project for Euro2008... so I 'know my apples', so to speak.

I hope this email won't seem belligerent or impolite -- that is not my intention -- however, these problems are very, very frustrating and completely un-necessary. The reasons why, I hope, will become apparent.

Problem 1: I am asked to put in my One United membership number to the E-Membership sign-up form, yet, after that, I have to enter all my personal details again. Why? Every One United membership number is unique, so why doesn't the system just pull back my name and address from the database? There's no security problem, since I had to select a username and password in my original membership sign-up, so why not just ask for membership number, username, password, abnd Bob's your uncle!?

Problem 2: The "address" section of the sign-up form asks just for the first line of my address and my postcode... which leads me to believe it's going to look up my address from a Royal Mail PAF or Address-Point or similar... except no... it doesn't find my address, even though I live in a 1930's semi-detached house, not a new development, that's instantly found on every other website of the same nature.

Problem 3: When I've finally completed all the forms (4 pages) and hit submit, the system tells me that my One United Membership number doesn't exist, even though it does. (I've just joined One United for £27.00) and have my email confirmation.

Problem 4: Rather than the system telling me that it can't find my membership number after "Stage One" of the sign up process (the very, very first step, which is the stage where I have to enter it), it takes me through ALL the forms before failing, after which it takes me back to the start! Why on earth didn't it validate the membership number straight away after stage one?
Problem 5: I have to fill in ALL the forms (again) from scratch, because the system doesn't restore them from the session using cookies or whatever, even though this would be really easy to implement.

Problem 6: (Not related to E-Membership) When signing up for One United membership I enter my Debit Card details, but not a "Start Date", since my card (Maestro) doesn't have a start date... This makes the submission fail, the error message being "Please enter a start date". Now, there's no instructions on the fom saying "If your card doesn't have a start date, please enter January 2007"... The fact that the lack of start date on many cards is ignored by your
system hardly fills me with the greatest sense of faith in other issues such as the security of my card details, etc...

All in all, I would class these kinds of things as "Schoolboy errors" (and this is precisely what I would say to developers working on projects for me), so it's not the kind of thing I would expect to see on the website of the world's greatest football club!
Thanks for your time -- I look forward to your reply.

Regards,

Andy Thelwell

Goooogle-opoly

2007-01-23T12:30:00.000Z

I'm not comfortable with the fact that Google have bought out Blogger. Now, don't get me wrong, I've actually got no beef with Google. I like their products and they seem to be pushing in the right direction with most things. However, the idea of one megahyperglobalubercorporation owning pretty much everything has the stinking wreak of monopoly... and that ain't a good smell*

Google have bought out oodles of smaller websites and other products... most recently Blogger and YouTube. The fact that this multi-billion dollar coroporation now ultimately controls so much of the web just makes me feel uncomfortable. It's just not right!

*however, the smell of Monopoly (the board game) newly purchased, de-sellophaned and opened for the first time, is one of my favourite smells. Strange, eh?

Big Bother

2007-01-19T14:00:00.000Z

Jesus fucking Christ, this whole thing with Big Brother is absolutely ridiculous!

I'm Back!

2007-01-10T13:16:00.000Z

It's been 3 months since I last updated my blog. I suck.

I think the reason it all fell away for a while was that we moved to our new house which was internet-less for a good few weeks and I never blog at work (I know... it's unbelievable, but I don't!).

So, it's a new year. Again. Is it me or are they getting shorter? Someone should contact the relevant department at the E.U. and have them investigate it.

Resolutions then... I made 3 or 4... and none of them is particularly original, to be fair:

1) Stop smoking (properly, I mean). I've cheated and cheated since 'stopping' in the summer. It HAS to stop. I mean properly stop, before I end up properly smoking again. In fact, just writing about smoking now is giving me cravings.

2) Lose some weight. "But you're not fat", people tell me. How about I whip my kit off and you check me out in profile...? Methinks you'll change your mind ;)

3) Be more organised. As my job is now a "management" position and not a "hands on" one, this essentially means it's my job to organise stuff, including the workloads of other actual "hands on" people. So, it's my entire job to be organised really. Only... the big paradox is... I'm really fucking disorganised! In fairness, I think it's got better over the last few months, but my aim is to actually be able to class myself as "really very organised indeed" by the end of '07. Oh how Rock-and-Roll my aspirations are, eh?

4) Drink less alcohol. "Boozy Britain" they call the situation in the country at the moment. I drink far too much, and it's not good. Well actually it's fucking great until the next morning (or, worryingly, it's now more like the next 2 days)... my body is clearly telling me something... "Stop drinking so much of what is essentially a mild form of poison, you muppet", is something like it, I reckon.

5) Update this blog more often. Simple.

Like every year, I expect these resolutions to crumble in a heap by the end of January, but we shall see. I'll keep you posted (unless #5 fails miserably, in which case, I won't!)

R.I.P Paul Hunter

2006-10-10T18:52:00.000+01:00

What a truly sad bit of news! Leeds-based Snooker player, Paul Hunter, dies of cancer aged just 27.

I watched this guy play a few times on TV and he always seemed like a top lad -- and a good Northern lad to boot! He was a pretty sharp Snooker player too, won the Master's a few times and just missed out on the World Title a couple of years back.

Really sad news this, especially given that the guy was just 27! :(

R.I.P. Paul.

Geek Post #1

2006-09-27T22:07:00.000+01:00

I may one day create one or more 'branch' blogs covering different subject matters. I always kind of envisioned my blog site being a mixture of well-written 'editorial' style news commentary, dashingly witty raconteuring and, certainly, a selection of technical articles covering my areas of expertise. By 'areas of expertise' I mean 'the stuff I do at work'.

In actual fact, the likelihood of me ever creating a technical branch-off blog that I keep up-to-date with the latest articles and findings is about the same as the likelihood of many of the other things I've thought about doing, or even intended doing... 'getting into photography', 'going to the gym regularly', 'getting organised', 'losing some weight'...

...simply put, it ain't gonna happen.

So, instead, suffice it to say that I found today a brilliant bit of software called PrimalScript. PrimalScript is basically a program for writing/editing computer code. It's a posh text editor really, not quite a full IDE (Integrated Development Environment). The great thing about it is that it supports loads and loads of different languages. Since I'm a 'multi-skilled' developer (a Jack-of-all-Trades, essentially) this is particularly useful for me. It has brilliant code completion via PrimalSense, which is a bit like Microsoft's IntelliSense and great support for my primary development language at the moment - ActionScript 2.0 for Flash 8.

Anyway, just thought I'd point it out. I recommend it highly if you're after a quick, lightweight code editing program that's absolutely packed with features. 9/10

[end of geeky bit]

Hammond's Organs...

2006-09-21T22:08:00.000+01:00

...are apparently in a serious but stable condition in Leeds General Infirmary along with the rest of the diminutive 'Top Gear' presenter's important bits, which are all, thankfully, still stuck on in approximately the right places, despite his recent horrendous crash. Apparently, Hammond appears to have suffered 'significant brain injury', however, so, despite my crass (but, you have to admit, quite genius) joky title, I wish all the best to 'the hamster'. Get well soon, sir.

It's always oh-so-easy (and common) to start hyper-analysing things at times like this, but let's just ponder a moment on what it is that has has led to 'Auntie' Beeb spending thousands of pounds of yours and my Licence Fee on getting a small bloke to fasten himself into a bright yellow jet-plane-on-wheels and hurtling him down a track at 300mph+...

Back Then: Alan Wicker tells us in his silky smooth Australian-accented voice about the charms of sailing down the Nile to spend 3 nights in Cairo. On his travels he even touches a local peasant person (although he washes his hands right away afterwards).

Now: Ray Meers spends 13 nights with no clothes on living in the depths of Siberia with only a Swiss Army knife and a piece of string to help him out. Cameras are up close and personal as he is forced to amputate his own penis which has turned black from frostbite.

Then: Kate Adie wins all kinds of awards for her reports from the warzones of Iran and Beirut. Her unparallelled bravery makes her world renowned as a journalist of the highest bravery (especially for a girlie).

Now: 24 hour satellite coverage of The War on Terror(TM). Press the Red Button and see countless, faceless journos telling you stuff you've already heard half an hour ago on the other channel. Nothing has actually happened for hours, but each and every channel will tell you that they were the first to report it. Sky are trying out their new "TimeWarpCam" which actually allows them to report on stuff before it's even happaned.

Then: Top Gear airs on the Beeb. It's an informative magazine programme mixing reviews of the latest performance sports cars with info and consumer advice on more down-to-earth models.

Now: The new Top Gear airs on the Beeb. Reviews consist purely of the top 0.1% of mega-performance supercars that only people in the top 0.1% of earnings (like, say, the presenters) could ever afford. The show basically involves 3 badly dressed blokes doing stuff like smashing cars up "for a laugh", setting fire to stuff, driving into trees with pickup trucks and all at very, very high speeds and wink-wink-nudge-nudging to camera every time they say "of course we don't condone breaking the speed limit". And, oh yes, getting a small bloke to fasten himself into a bright yellow jet-plane-on-wheels and hurtling him down a track at 300mph+...*

*FYI, I actually like Top Gear, by the way ;)

Steorn

2006-09-18T23:13:00.000+01:00

The single biggest thing on my internet radar, the one story I can't get enough of, is that of Irish technology company Steorn (thanks to Ben for the heads up). Basically, Steorn claim to have created a machine that creates energy using magnets. In simple terms, this is absolutely scientifically impossible. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that enery cannot be created nor destroyed, but can only change state. If (and it's a very, very big if) Steorn's claim is true, this would be a truly world-changing invention. Pretty much every scientist in the world has debunked this claim, since it flies in the face of scientific common knowledge.

I choose to remain more open minded, however. Let's not forget that pretty much every major discovery and invention in history has been met with some amount of ridicule, so there would be nothing new here if this thing actually turns out to work.

Anyway, take a look at this interview with Steorn's CEO. If it is a fraud or a hoax, then it's pretty convincing!

Do the Locomotion

2006-09-17T18:56:00.000+01:00

Acutely aware as I am of the neglect to which I’ve subjected this blog already, I hoped to be able to take the opportunity today to fill in an entry or two.

I should point out at this stage that I wrote this entry on Friday, 15th September, not Sunday 17th. I'm uploading on Sunday though and I have no idea how to change the date of the entry, so there....

Anyway, it's Friday, I’ve been to London for a meeting, laptop in tow, and hence I expected to get the chance to put some words down in the 2-and-a-bit hours it takes to do the journey each way between London and the glorious Chester-en-le-Field (“the centre of the universe” as I heard one local refer to it recently, albeit with tongue firmly planted in cheek).

Well, on the way down there was no chance. Why? First, it’s one of the old/normal (delete as appropriate depending on when you’re reading this and how train-tech-savvy you are) style trains. Generally speaking that means cramped seats, dingy toilets and, most important, no plug socket thingies. My laptop battery is pretty crap (perhaps because I chose to save a few quid when I bought the computer and bought the lower-capacity one… damn me) so any foray into computer-land would have lasted no more than the (approximately) 9 minutes I get when running on battery power. It’s one of those Sony batteries that have had a tendency to spontaneously combust lately, so perhaps I should consider myself lucky and stop complaining.

Anyway, journey down: old style train, no plug sockets, and me not daring to run on battery to write in my blog, just in case it uses up all the battery power and I can’t plug in at the client’s offices. The client in question is LandSecurities, a multi-billion pound property company that owns and runs half the big property in the country, so Christ knows what twisted form of logic I used to allow myself to worry that they may not be able to provide access to such wonders as a mains socket within their meeting facilities, but that’s me: always the worrier.

Thankfully, I booked a First Class seat for the journey down, so at least there was the free tea and coffee (surprisingly good coffee, actually) and comfy seats to enjoy. Aside from that, the journey consisted of a fairly standard combination of reading (about 15 minutes spent half-heartedly scanning a mind-numbing Project Management book I convinced myself sometime ago it would be a good idea to read), as well as some Premier League trainsleep, which I’m pretty convinced is the same state of consciousness experienced by the Buddha, the Dali Lama, Hari Krishnas, Sting and all those meditative types when they do their thing. The only amazing thing there, I guess, is that some of these lot (save, perhaps, Sting) been achieving trainsleep (or whatever they choose to call it in their dialect) for over 10,000 years and all without the aid of a boring National Rail journey with no pluggy-in facilities.

So, anyway, here I am, sitting in Coach C of the 18.15 Midland Mainline service from London St. Pancras to Sheffield. No real reason there for a sense of delight, you might think, but, all in all, I’m pretty contented; there are a number of reasons why…

First, this is not the train I reserved a seat on. When I booked the tickets, I was thinking, rather optimistically as it turns out, that the meeting wouldn’t go on too long and that I’d be homeward bound soon enough, so I reserved on the 16.55. Anyway, the meeting went on longer than expected so I find myself here on the later train. My boss “couldn’t make” the meeting today, which I’m pretty sure means he didn’t want to be in London last thing on a Friday, which suggested to me that I had a lot of overcrowding, cramping, delays and uncomfortable sweating to look forward to in the madness that is Rush Hour. However, although it is Rush Hour on a Friday evening, I have managed, by the grace of God, to end up with a seat. My nightmares of ending up on a vastly overcrowded sweatbox with standing room only have not been borne out. Seriously and genuinely relieved, I am. Not only that, I’ve managed to secure a seat that is definitely not reserved, it’s a window seat and I’m going forwards, which means I won’t end up vomiting by the time we get to Bedford.

Second, this is one of those new(ish) style trains with the nice big bucket seats and the plug sockets where you can plug stuff (like this laptop) in. And even though I’m only in Scrubber Class™, I’m pretty sure that the seats are at least as nice as the ones I sat in in First Class of the old/normal train on the way down. So, I’m in a seat, it’s a comfy seat and I’m plugged in. That’s good so far.

Thirdly, I think it’s every Scrubber Class™ traveller’s pessimistic-yet-not-unjustified expectation that they will end up sat next to some random Scrubber who is any combination of fat and/or smelly and/or drunk and/or aggressive and/or fond of their “not-so-personal” stereo and/or a completely incomprehensible nutcase determined to engage you in “conversation”. Not so for me, thank God. Not long into writing this, a fairly pleasant looking blonde girl parks herself in the seat opposite. I didn’t say hello or anything (God forbid! I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a completely incomprehensible nutcase determined to engage you in “conversation”), but it was better than I had expected. Next, couple of normal-enough-looking business types, one of whom is wearing too much aftershave, but good aftershave at least, which actually smells fairly pleasant. So, anyway… comfy seats, plug sockets, laptop out, OK seat-neighbours.All good.

Fourth then, the carriage is nicely air-conditioned, and this makes me very, very happy. I had a horrendous time in the run-up to my meeting. It’s been really warm today: unseasonably warm for the middle of September. My journey across London involved, as it always does, use of the Tube (I, unlike certain of my bosses, don’t think that black cab is the only way to travel in London). Anyway, the hot day and busy tubes resulted in me being a touch on the flustered side when I got off the tube at Charing Cross and walked out onto the Strand. With 45 minutes to kill before my meeting I thought I’d grab some lunch so after pacing hopelessly up and down for a few minutes I decide upon Subway… big mistake! Subway on the Strand (which shares its premises, oddly enough, with easy™ internet café) is not actually a sandwich shop: it’s a f**king Turkish bath. The minute I walk in I can feel my pores screaming as they open up to let out gallons of perspiration. It is very, very hot. I’ll be ok, I think to myself, I’ll be out of here in a few minutes. So I’m standing in there, queuing up and thinking what I’m going to have and whether, even though I’m not really that hungry, I should go for a footlong since I can claim it back on expenses anyway, but I can’t concentrate because the sweat just won’t stop coming. I can feel a bead running down the bridge of my nose, making its way under my glasses and heading down to my right cheek. Another is making its way down the crease of my spine, making every effort possible to touch my shirt so that it can leave nice obvious sweat mark on the pale cotton. Suddenly, in a moment of sheer panic and exasperation, the sandwich (my beautiful, beautiful Subway sandwich) doesn’t seem so important and I leg it out of the shop. Now, with the gift of hindsight, maybe I should’ve held out because that 12-inch Chicken Teryaki with double everything on Italian Herb and Cheese would go down pretty nicely now, but we all have regrets, eh? Anyway, outside I go onto the Strand and it’s ridiculously sunny… I’m sweating… a lot… so much so that there’s a little visible wet patch on the front of my shirt, there are actual beads of sweat on my face and my back is doing its best impression of Niagara falls. My only option is to take off my jacket, which I do, and walk, John Wayne style, up the road until I find a cool spot. Thankfully, a strong breeze (Beaufort scale reference here) starts to blow and brings all-too-needed relief. Soon enough, the wet patch on the front of my shirt has dried up and I’m safe in the knowledge that the sweat won’t actually start to smell for a good few hours, so I’m safe. From ere, I’m able to make to Pret-a-Manger for a (rather excellent) sandwich and some rancid new age Green Tea drink. I forget to get a receipt, which means I can’t claim it back on expenses after all, but all I can think about is that I have, thank God, stopped sweating. Anyway, all of this is an aside, but relevant back-story as to why I’m so pleased that the carriage has air conditioning. I’ve got a seat, the seat is comfy, I’m all plugged in, my seat-neighbours look and smell OK and the carriage is air conditioned. I am a happy chappy.

So it’s here that I’m going to sign off. The Word Count tool on Microsoft Word tells me that I’ve written 1566 words, which is rather a lot and I’m pretty sure that I’m the only person who will ever read this through. The train is now somewhere between Market Harborough and home so I think I’ll use this last part of the journey for a nice bit of trainsleep.

Genuine genuineness

2006-09-05T18:49:00.000+01:00

Note to self (re: yesterday's post)... using the word 'genuinely' too many times in one paragraph may give the appearance that one is not genuine at all. (FYI, I actually was being genuine with regard to Steve Irwin kicking the bucket!)

R.I.P. Steve Irwin

2006-09-04T20:00:00.000+01:00

Well, as I initially expected when I set up this blog, I've started to lapse already into less regular posting. No real surprise there really; it was always going to happen.

Just one real thing to post about today... R.I.P. Steve Irwin! What a genuinely sad loss -- the guy was genuinely entertaining, completely bonkers and (apparently) a genuinely nice bloke. I quite enjoyed watching him run around after all kinds of dangerous creatures so I'm genuinely sad to see the guy go to the big outback in the sky!

Malik's malice

2006-08-15T23:02:00.000+01:00

Politics, eh?

I pride myself on my well-rounded balanced views. I'm a young liberal, but not what you'd call a left-wing hippy type. I'm ardently anti-racist but not fond of political correctness for its own sake -- in fact I find it all rather silly. I believe that Islamic extremism is a serious scourge of the modern world and I don't think the terrorist threat is one bit overstated, but I believe that the current situation is only worsened by US and UK foreign policy and the West's desire to spread it's capitalist-democractic ideology.

Anyway, enough about my political views. in general.. I'm posting to talk about the comments made today by Shahid Malik, Labour MP for Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. Mr. Malik has risen to new heights of popularity since the 2001 race riots, but particularly since the 7/7 bombings. The now-omnipresent British-born Muslim MP, who is wheeled out on ITV, BBC and Channel 4 News, Newsnight, This Week and just about every other current affairs program whenver the debate turns to Islam and Islamic fundamentalism (which is about every 4.2 seconds these days), was asked to comment on the indignation expressed by some members of the Muslim community to certain aspects of UK culture. His controversial comments have left me with something of a sour taste in my mouth because, despite his Muslim heritage, Mr. Malik came out with a statement that was all too reminiscent of Enoch Powell. I fail to find a reliable quote, so allow me to paraphrase... the general gist of his message was "If you're going to moan about the rules here in Britain, perhaps it's best if you f**ked off back where you came from".

Now, that's pretty controversial stuff, eh? My gut feeling is that Mr. Malik's intention was not to come across all BNP-esque, but come across all BNP-esque he has, IMHO. I mean... for God's sake, even if for just one second you go down the Alf Garnet route, surely anyone can see that that kind of message could only ever possibly be levelled at the immigrant population. But the people making noises about UK law being racist and anti-Muslim aren't all immigrants at all... a large number are British-born Muslims. So how, exactly, does the "go back where you came from" approach work there, for people born in London or Birmingham, Bradford, Leeds or wherever else? I was pretty disgusted by the whole statement not least, perhaps, because I can imagine it now... a meeting of BNP members in a smoky working men's club, with the local BNP candidate handing out flyers with Malik's face and controversial quote emblazoned across the front. Just another excuse for the BNP to wax lyrical about "Britain for the British" and all that bollocks.

Not good, Mr. Malik. Very not good.

Colds are crap

2006-08-14T20:25:00.000+01:00

It's Monday evening at 20 past 8, EastEnders is on the telly and I'm lying in bed with a horrible head cold. Anyway, enough of all that; I don't expect any sympathy.

Actually, yes I f*cking do. Send your get well messages here.

So, anyway... I've gone and decided to learn Ruby, this fantastic programming language from Japan. Until very recently I didn't know much about it, but the new guy at work reckons it's the bees knees, I fancy a bit of a new challenge and adding more strings to one's bow seems like a good idea, so I thought I'd have a look. I'll post more here as I embark on my Ruby-learning journey.

And so it begins...

2006-08-10T12:31:00.000+01:00

It's August 2006; I've been working in the web/multimedia industry for some five years; it's some 7 years since I began my Interactive Multimedia degree at Staffordshire University; I began making websites in my spare time some -- God I can't even remember -- maybe 8 or 9 years ago?! How then... by what strange set of circumstances... why... have I only just got myself a blog? Jesus, last I heard, even my nan has a blog and she's still trying to find the starting handle on her Betamax VCR!

In reality, I guess it’s probably not so unusual for someone in a trade not to go about engaging in said trade’s niceties outside of work. Do mechanics wake up early on their weekends off to get into the garage to strip down Ford Mondeos, just for fun? Would a master baker spend his Sunday afternoons baking fresh bread as a relaxing pastime?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Suffice it to say, the following points are all true, despite my web-oriented profession:

I’ve never had a blog
I don’t know how to use Skype
I have no idea what version of MSN Messenger I have on my machine, or if it’s even still called MSN Messenger
I don’t know how to do MMS on my phone
I have no real ambition to fulfil or ‘fix’ any of the above except, obviously, #1.

Truth be told, my real reasons for starting this blog are twofold: First, I have a lot of opinions about a lot of ‘stuff’; I think about ‘stuff’ a lot, so I thought putting it all ‘out there’ via the gift of blog seemed like a good idea. It's probably not, but it seemed like one at some point in ther recent past. Second, were I not engaged in my current profession, I’d probably like to be a journalist; ergo, I like writing stuff; ergo, a blog is a good place to start. Should my boss be reading this... that doesn't mean I'm intending to up sticks to go and work for "Hello" magazine!

So, here it is: my blog. Hopefully I’ll actually have the presence of mind to bother to keep it updated and will have something worthwhile to say.

“Unlike the load of old toss above” I hear you say ;)