Another Day... Another Diaper...

Sex Addiction with Dr.Drew...

2009-11-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

So... I've popped onto this show once or twice and call me insensitive, heartless, whatever, I've heard it all but my grandmother had a name for women who are now called, "sexual addicts" and I can't say I disagree :)

Mom Gone Wild!

2009-11-15T19:03:00.000-08:00

All of my friends consider me the prude of the group... I literally blush while buying thong panties! Seriously!
My husband recently treated me to a day of shopping... Awesome! So, him and I totally forgot that our girls are growing and not as EASY to keep quiet in a store... All we had to do was stick a bottle in their mouth and it was smooth sailing... Now? Well... Let me get to the great part of this story... A super sweet sales girl saw me with my double stroller and fear of my daughters in my eyes and escorted me to the gentleman's dressing room where I would have the space all to myself and she even gave me the handicap fitting room since it was empty... (To those that get offended that a mother with two toddlers was in the handicap fitting room... Have two toddlers and tell me it isn't a handicap...) I take my two girls into the fitting room with me in order to give them some time to stretch... They were so cute! Blowing kisses at themselves... Twirling in their dresses... And then... They WERE so cute... Suddenly, the men's fitting room was full of MEN! As I thought I had it under control and was going to try on my very last top... Just as I had my top over my head my youngest daughter crawled under my legs and through the curtain while my oldest daughter opens the curtain for all to see and says, "Look at my pretty mommy! She's a princess!" I COULD DIE! DIE! I don't even wear bathing suits because I think they're too revealing and here I was, for all to see in my bra and un-tummy tucked stomach!
Who knew that it would take me two daughters and a marriage to finally have my, "Girls Gone Wild" moment in life... Who knew?!

Itty Bitties...

2009-11-08T20:52:00.001-08:00

Okay... Very weird... So, I was what you can call a "late bloomer" and when I bloomed... I BLOOMED! Then I "removed" the bloomers and had a baby and BLOOMED right back... Last week I was shopping and decided to make a VERY quick stop into Victoria's Secret and couldn't help but wish and hope that I had itty bitties... They just don't make cute bras for us "bloomers"... I thought the whole point of wearing a bra was for boobs anyway! We want something besides black, tan and white! Bras for boobs! Bras for boobs!

Oh.. Halloween...

2009-11-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

"My eyes! My eyes!!" Halloween was last week and I had the pleasure of seeing many more derrieres. Mother's derrieres to be exact... It was 12 noon, the sun was out and I couldn't stop feeling over dressed or like the grandmother in the nightclub! All the mothers out there who dressed up as sexy nurses all the while holding their 6 year old daughter's hand as she said, "trick or treat"... My advice to all mommies out there... Even if you are a hot siren and look like Betty Page in your underwear... Please... Please... Please, keep the boobs and buttocks away until sundown... Please! Oh the agony! "My eyes! My eyes"

Remember the time...

2009-10-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Remember the times that you would go to a store and buy a ton of things for yourself? Ahhh... I remember those times... The times that my entire paycheck went to handbags and shoes... The times that I would spend the hours and hours shopping in New York City and at the end of the day, have a taxi cab have to chauffeur me home after a hard days work.
Now, when I go into a store I go directly to the children's section and just imagine how darling the girls will look in that Chloe dress or how absolutely jealous Suri Cruise will be once she sees my daughter in the newest Burberry dress... Some department stores purposely position the children's section right after the women's... Genius I tell you! GENIUS! By the time I am done shopping for them, I am too pooped to get anything for myself... Some people may consider this the worst of time... Luckily, I am now living in the best of times and loving every second of it.

Let's go Yankees ;)

2009-10-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I loved baseball... Well, baseball players... I remember exactly where our family seats were in the stadium and how much my dad tried to force the love of the Yankees down our throats... My dear husband has been under the impression that I'm some type of die hard fan... What he didn't know after all these years was that the only reason I would sit through games with him before was because I had to get familiar with the players... You know... Just in case I bumped into them in a restaurant or something and had to casually drop my fork and then act like I had no idea who they were... Until of course... I got knocked up... Ahh... A girl can dream...
So! Since I am no longer that young, single girl... I am watching America's Next Top Model and following it with a hilarious episode of Modern Family... Ahhh.. TO BE YOUNG!! TO BE YOUNG!

Normal...

2009-10-28T17:41:00.000-07:00

On my way to work today, Luis kept singing a song that Sophia's Barbie doll sings at least 10 times every hour... I didn't notice he was singing this song because it was totally normal for me... Finally, he snapped out of it and said, "What the hell am I doing singing a Barbie song?" We both looked at one another and laughed... I don't know what was worst, the fact that he loves a Barbie song or the fact that I found it totally normal... I guess in our new world... This is our new normal...

It is NOT okay...

2009-10-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was on the bus today and smelled the most rank odor ever... Now, I know that it wasn't me and I am SURE that it was the young lady seated beside me... I mean... HOW RUDE! I began to gag because I could taste the feces in my mouth, Then, I got looks from my fellow passengers.. Seriously? Am I just supposed to inhale the demon that came out of this woman's human body? Am I? I just have to say that it is NOT OKAY to literally FART on the bus!! Just sayin'!

I'm just not that mom...

2009-10-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I did the autumn thing and visited a pumpkin patch with my little family... We arrived... It was freezing and I was over it in about 5 seconds... We made the first stop at this farm and that was in the petting zoo... Ducks, Pigs, Goats, Sheep, Roosters and Hens were all just walking around waiting for someone to pet them... I stood in one little corner where I didn't see manure and let Luis do the petting with the girls... Sophia quickly caught on and came to stand with me as I looked at the other mothers in total disgust as they let the donkey lick their hands! A mother came over and laughed at me... Like hysterically and while I couldn't pointed and laughed at her very "festive" Halloween Sweatshirt, I did the opposite... I told her what an amazing sweater she had and where on earth could I pick it up... She started mentioning some website and I quickly stopped her and said, "Oh! I'm sorry... I thought I saw it in the new J.Crew catalog... Probably not... Well! Thanks so much!" and picked up my grossed out daughter and went along... The same way I don't judge other moms for wearing polka dot galoshes, I don't want to be judged for being anti-minivan or not wanting to touch smelly animals on a farm...

Thanks so much ;)!

Hallow's Eve

2009-10-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

So, I LOVE Halloween, like LOVE! So much that my birthday is the 3rd of October and every year growing up, I would ask my mother to postpone my birthday party for Halloween. Well... In the nature of being a mother and wanting my children to love everything I love, I of course have been brainwashing them for two months by reading them fun Halloween bedtime stories every night...
I went into a costume shop today to see if I could find something for myself and saw a sign that said all children's costumes were 50% off! GREAT! I can buy some for next year!! Well... No... Not really... I got pretty grossed out at the fact that the tween costumes are now skanky! Like Skankalicious! I fear what is to come in my future because, the day I let my 12 year old daughter walk around in a "sexy candy corn" costume will be the day that I wear an ankle bracelet and sport a mullet...
On another note... I also couldn't find a PC costume for myself being a mom and all... Miranda was right... "The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten" ... Seriously? What is this world coming to!

Motherhood...

2009-10-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

I recently went to the advanced screening of the movie, Motherhood... I must say, there were parts that were pretty funny as well as parts that I just wanted to kick her husband in the a$$ for not helping her out... While I am a mother and a wife, I just expect for my job as a parent to be split 50/50 with my husband... He and I always pitch in with our girls, just like we both pitched in making them... Well, mostly he pitched in, I was three sheets to the wind both times :)! Am I just lucky? No... I just expect things and never asked him to change a diaper, I kinda threw my baby at him and he knew what to do... I think a ton of mother's out there take pride in saying, "I did it all myself! I get no help!" While I take pride in saying, I was the only woman in the screening with her husband sitting by her side even though he gagged a couple of times at the conversations going on through the previews about life after vaginal birth :)!

It's over!

2009-10-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

That's it! It's over! It's official! Sophia officially has her own opinions and choices :(... As I was discussion with Luis what duo her and Penelope should be this year for Halloween, Sophia confidently said that she will like to be a cat this year. What?! Are you sure you don't want to be Batman and Robin? I thought that would be genius! Nope, she wants to be a cat. I guess the little one is growing up... Let the empty nest syndrome begin... Oh! Wait! I have another one! My bald child :)!

I didn't know I was pregnant...

2009-10-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

Okay... So... Seriously? You didn't know you were pregnant... I could see how someone wouldn't know for 3-4 months but after that, what exactly do you think the little alien that isn't letting you sleep at night is... I mean... Someone or something in some cases (I've seen some hideous newborns, one being my own) is literally kicking and punching you so hard sometimes, that you can't even stand straight and you really had NO idea you were pregnant? Like... Didn't even cross your mind therefore, you pooped a baby into a toilet because obviously, when you have the runs or the cha cha cha's as we call them in my neck of the woods, you feel a burning sensation in your VJJ... I'm sorry... I just don't get it... I think they should re-name the show, "I didn't know I was full of sh!t"

I'll take a side of __ with that!

2009-09-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to my friend's very amazing wedding at a gorgeous winery in upstate NY. The only way to arrive to this fabulous venue was getting the party started with a very adventurous 5 hour drive from the city. With a couple of Magnolias and iced coffees to go, we were on our way!
On our visit, we had to do what all New Yorkers do when they leave the city and end up in the burbs... We went to Denny's! While my friends and I were poking fun at Luis for ordering the classic Denny's Grand Slam, I noticed something or THINGS laying on the table across from us... They were boobs... Large... Mom... Exposed boobs... As mom and pop sat there with their 3 children, the mother was just casually sitting there passing pancakes over and might as well have squeezed the maple syrup with those things... I'm sure pop wanted to say, "I'll take a side of tits with that syrup ma!"
It was sick... It was revolting... It was the perfect case of the mother whore...

Reserved...

2009-09-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that after you experience a pregnancy, once you are NOT pregnant, you do not want to look pregnant in ANYTHING you wear! Due to not being caught up in laundry, I resulted in wearing a top last week that wasn't maternity but empire cut. The best part of my day was being able to pack it in without having to worry about sucking anything in or at least attempting to... Due to me becoming a bridge and tunnel girl, I missed my bus home and had to wait about 30 minutes for another to arrive on a not so fun line. When I finally got on the bus it was jam packed and there was no where to sit... Then a woman said to a man sitting in the very front seats, "Sir! Don't you see that sign! It's reserved for pregnant women, elderly and handicapped! Get up!" I thought I was going to pass out from the humiliation. What was I going to say? No! I had to grin and bare it... Literally... I grinned, sat and enjoyed the rest of my ride... Whatever works, right?

Sharing is caring...

2009-09-21T17:31:00.001-07:00

This weekend I took my girls to the San Gennaro's festival in New York City then to choose some additions to their library at the new Barnes and Nobles on East 86th. I learned something... I learned that my children... Well, not the bald one but that one of my children is perfect :).

Am I the only person that scolds their children when they don't share? Are my children the only ones out there that don't share... Please... Tell me if this is the case because after what I experienced with children that I would personally bend the rules on and swat on the derriere, I want to know...

After choosing some books, Sophia saw a Thomas the Tank table filled with little trains and rails. Naturally, like a child would, she went up to it and grabbed a figurine, to where I saw a demon child snatch it away and say, "DON'T TOUCH THAT!! IT'S MINE!" ... Then... Naturally, of course, I said to the child, "Oh! Really? Is that really your train?" Then... without say... Naturally, the demon child's mother pops up and says, "Oh! They're children... Leave them be"
AND then... Naturally, I said, "You're right... They're children and this is MY child and I would never let her snatch things and yell at other children..." The mom didn't say anything back... Call me ignorant... Call me immature... I could care less...

This isn't the ending of my story though... My 2nd daughter... Penelope, the bald one then walked back to the table, pointed at the demon child and scolded her in gibberish came back and grabbed her sister's hand and said, "Fia... Play... Choo Choo..." then escorted her older sister back to the table where she had a train ready for her... I mean, she saw her sister being bullied and took matters into her own hands... I guess they are both perfect... I mean, I'm their mother! Naturally! ;)

Fun comments :)

2009-09-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

So... I sometimes get really funny comments here and thought I'd share my latest... You know, just in case you missed it... The following comment was left on my, "I hate Pregarexic" post... Enjoy! I know I did ;)

"You know...the max amount of weight gain suggested for pregnancy is 35lbs. Otherwise you are putting preterm labor, gestational diabetes, hypertension, and post partum complications as a side to that double cheeseburger. Which, by the way, I would never use as fuel for developing human life."

Ahhh... Spoken like a true pregarexic :)!

I'm a liar!

2009-09-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have a huge confession to make... I lie... I'm a huge liar and have to just come out with the truth... I have a huge problem where I constantly lie to sales associates and tell them that I JUST had a baby 2-3 months ago (that's always that range I choose) so that they can have pity on my extra stomach... I mean... This is constant! I don't know why I do it! Well, there I go again... Lying... I know exactly why I do it! I do it so that they can say things like, "2 months! You look amazing"... I can't stop doing it! It's pretty awful! I walk in thinking, "Don't do it! Don't do it!" and as soon as that sales associate asks me if I need another size while I'm in the fitting room, I blurt it out, "Oh! I just had a baby!"... Ugh! Someone give me a free therapy session and help me stop!

I guess I'll start with this... My name is Michelle and I lie to sales associates about how old my children are! Ahhh... A load off my back already :)

Mother Whore!

2009-09-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

I have this tiny phrase that I throw around here and there and that phrase is, Mother Whore! What is a mother whore you ask? Well! I have listed some examples of mother whore'ng below...

1. If your boobs are exposed and you are not breastfeeding... You are a mother whore...

2. If you cannot bend over to pick up your child because your a$$ might show... You are a mother whore...

3. If you fit into your tweens clothes... Awesome! If you wear it? Mother whore...

4. If you go out and have drinks with your friends... Nice... If you go out and have drinks with your toddler sitting in the same table? Dina Lohan...

5. If you are a single mom and you flirt with a man in front of your child... Mother whore...

6. If you are a married mom and flirt with a man in front of your child... Whore...

7. If you wear a bikini to your "bubbles" or any baby swim class because you want to make the other mothers feel bad? Bitch!

8. If you wear a g-string bikini to the beach while you are with your children? Mother whore! (Yeah... I'm jealous! SO WHAT!)

9. If your child associates alcohol with you and says things like, "Mommy's juice!"... Drunk!

10. If you have sex toys and they are next to your child's pacifiers... GROSS!!

11. If your child's father is not really your child's father but he thinks he is... Jerry Springer case!

12. If you are at a children's party and are dancing seductively to entice some of the dads... You my dear are definitely a mother whore...

True or False?

2009-08-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

I was playing a game in my mind on the bus ride home today and thought I'd make it into a blog... As I lol'd while these thoughts ran through my mind, I thought I'd make you lol as well... I will give you my answers in a week... Just thought it would be fun for you to guess for now :)

Okay! Okay! I'll give you the answers! After many e-mails and hate mail... Yes, I said hate mail... I will just give in and give you my answers to these statements :)

I resent Penelope just a little bit for being bald and not being able to wear obnoxious bows in her hair... This statement is TRUE! The only reason I wanted two girls was to have the biggest collection of hair bows in the world... With Pennykins being bald, she's giving someone else out there the lead!

I wish Sophia could be 2 forever! So TRUE!! She's just so much fun now... I'm dreading the days that she no longer wants to hold my hand :(

There are moments in my life where I wish I could have 10 more kids... This statement is surprisingly TRUE! Coming from a large family, I just know the potential of great times...

There are moments in my life that I wish I had no kids... This statement is surprisingly FALSE... One of the toughest decisions in my life, became one of the best! I love my girls and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world... Even if some of my friends consider me boring for not wanting to go bar hopping with them anymore...

My favorite time of the week is taking the girls toy shopping and running after them in the store... TRUE! It's just so much fun seeing how excited they get every week! I love it!

I hate it when women "bounce" right back into shape after having a baby and sometimes wish evil things upon them... Hate those bitches and if I say the thoughts that are currently going through my mind, I think I could end up on that "Most Evil" television show. Therefore, this statement is TRUE!

I never want to win the lotto... TRUE! Surprised? I would never want to have that much money... I don't want people asking me for it... I don't want to think about it... I just don't want it... The real reason is I don't want anyone having any idea of how much $ I have in the bank :)

I hate it when people give my daughters stickers... EFFING HATE IT! TRUE! Stop it! They stick them all over the house and guess who has to scrape them off!

I get sad when my girls kick me out of their bedroom so that they can go to bed. TRUE! SO SAD!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror butt "nekid", I hope my daughters are also cursed with an extra stomach when they have children. Ummm... I think you might already know the answer to this one ;)

My biggest fear is that my daughters will be whores... TRUE! I don't fear the ebola virus... I fear to one day walk into their bedrooms at 11 years old and there be a penis in their mouth... So TRUE!

When people tell me that they do not want to include soft drinks at their children's birthday parties... I wonder how deprived these children are in other aspects of life... TRUE! No soft drinks?! No juice either! What's next? No Santa?!?! No birthday presents!

I hate stuffed animals... HATE! SO TRUE!

I love sitting in Barnes and Nobles and "proof reading" children's books for hours and hours... Seriously one of my favorite things to do in life!

My favorite thing to do on a Sunday is walking around the city and doing absolutely nothing... TRUE! LOVES!

As much as I love my father... I sometimes wonder why I couldn't have come from Donald Trump's sack... FALSE... Maybe? LOL!

While other people dream of a white picket fence... I dream of living in a skyscraper... TRUE! How can you beat being able to see the Thanksgiving parade right outside your window? I mean... Nothing else compares!

I really don't understand the whole deal about HD... TRUE!

My husband recently told me that the only way he will fall out of love with me is if I start passing gas in front of him... I could weigh 500 tons and the only way he would fall out of love with me is if I let one rip... TRUE! LOL! Isn't this a funny fact?

I always worry about saying the "right" thing... FALSE! What I need to do is put a filter in my mouth, lol!

I miss Dallas... True! How could I not?! Huge homes... Big hair and great friends :)

There are moments in my life where I would like to leave teething Penelope in the middle of the street crying and then pick her up later without getting arrested... Ummm... Errr... I'll keep this one to myself ;)

Its 10 o'clock... do you know where your children are?

2009-08-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

If I said it once, I've said it twice and now, I will say it again... I'm the first of my friends to start a family. Although I have the luck to have great friends it is very difficult for them to understand what being a mother/parent is all about. Now and days, I can't just hang on the phone for 10 minutes to hear all about your current fling or what have you. I have to bathe someone, get water splashed on me and then bathe someone else. There are goodnight kisses that need to be given as well as bedtime stories that need to be read. After all of that, it's my turn to unwind and have an adult conversation with my bff, my husband all while we are both falling asleep. So! It isn't that I'm ignoring my friendships or that I do not care about your flings or what have you, it's just that I'm in a whole new place where the two party animals in my life throw back shots of milk instead of tequila and if I had the time, it will be my pleasure to listen to your fun and exciting stories but please don't feel offended! I'm just a mom :)

What's worst?

2009-08-19T18:03:00.001-07:00

So, I'm watching Octomom's new television show because well, I can't stop watching this train wreck and I'm thinking why do people hate this woman so much... Irresponsible? YES! INSANE? Absolutely!! So, who is worst? A doctor that does the procedure for this unstable woman who already had SIX kids because all he saw were $ signs or the nutcase? I'm going to go with the doctor! I understand that he was doing his job but this "job" that he was performing was going to affect another human beings life which in this case turned into EIGHT human beings lives! Do I hate her? No... Would I throw rocks at her windows? No... Whatev's! Just my opinion :D.... And now... Back to Octomom!

My Baby Can Read!

2009-08-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the infomercial? Every Saturday, I kind of get sucked in to watching these tiny babies reading... It's beyond! How do I feel about it? I am not sure... While I think it is amazing for a child to know how to read at such an early age, I'm also a little freaked out about it... No more spelling curses out when I'm arguing with my husband... No more writing on my blog about them because they just might read it... No more saying "The End" when I'm reading the 4th book before bedtime and have been Mother Goose'd out! Decisions... Decisions... Do I take the selfish route and hinder their development? OR! Do I give them the gift of reading before they even know how to use the potty? Hmmmm... Selfish mom wins! I'll enjoy a couple more years of telling fun stories about my girls... It's what the crowd demands :)

"Kid Friendly"

2009-08-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Hanging out in the city is pretty difficult when you have children. Not because you don't want to take them anywhere but because many places make it pretty difficult to tug them along. I'm the type of mother who takes her children everywhere... All types of restaurants and on every errand. Yup! I'm THAT mom that sits in a swanky restaurant with her two girls on chairs because the restaurant's nice way of saying "no kids" is by not having any highchairs available... No highchairs? Perfect! It'll make my stay here more enjoyable now that I know you don't want us here :) Go ahead, spit in my food. As long as I don't see it, all is well.
My friend recently had her birthday party at a place called, The Beer Garden.... I received my invite and was pretty psyched! Then, I got the news that my girls HAD to attend... Kids? In a restaurant/bar with the word "Beer" in it? As scared as I was to be the mother that was turned away with the two children in pink tutu's as they were I.D'ng the crowd on a sunny Saturday afternoon, I was glad that my friends inside were not judging the fact that I was bringing my children into a bar but appreciating me for doing so. In the end, we had a great time and Sophia even got to dance on the mini dance floor with the birthday girl. Happy Belated Birthday Ann! Thanks for the invite :)

My gifts....

2009-08-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

As much as I love my girls is as much as I hate the personal gifts that came with them. Take it easy psycho moms! Don't jump down my throat just yet! The personal gifts I speak of are my extra stomach and the gift of cellulite that came along when I had Penelope... I had never had a cottage cheese ass until after my CS when I finally was able to take a shower and caught the very disgusting reflection of me in the mirror!! "It can't be me!!". I only bring this up because I forgot about my cottage cheese ass today and wore khaki slacks. I will now spend my entire day trying to concentrate on NOT clenching my behind... Wish me luck!