The Inch of Difference

Job starts Monday

2010-01-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

Time to sort a new direction for my life - I'm open to ideas.
I'm processing what I've survived so far. I feel a lot - no words to put to all of it yet. I'm sure I'll get there - then you will be stuck reading my ranting madness once again.

Amen.

2009-12-27T09:57:00.002-05:00

I'm not reprinting it w/ all the links: go here

However it concisely sums up my opinions on the healthcare reform. WTF people.

1. Add a robust public option open to all Americans.
2. Remove the rollback of a woman’s right to choose.
3. Repeal the anti-trust exemption for private insurance companies.
4. Add early Medicare buy-in.
5. Add a real employer mandate.
6. Fix the excise tax that would reduce the quality of many Americans’ insurance. This can be done by properly indexing it so that it forever remains only a tax on “Cadillac” plans.
7. Move up the start date of reform to as soon as possible. Three years is too long!
8. Increase the affordability tax credits to individuals.
9. Expand Medicaid to 150% of FPL.
10. Reduce the maximum annual out-of-pocket limit to 5% of income.
11. Move up state waiver for innovation to 2014 and add ERISA waiver. The state waiver for innovation is a good idea, but having it start in 2017 creates a bureaucratic nightmare of putting in place one reform only to replace it a few years later. We need to fix our system now, not have states start working toward a real solution a decade from now.
12. Give states that set up “basic health programs” 100% of the money, and allow them to use the program for people above 200% of FPL.
13. Allow for drug re-importation so Americans can get cheaper drugs from Canada or Europe.
14. Give Medicare the power to directly negotiate for lower drug prices.
15. Give the government the power to negotiate for lower drug prices on behalf of all Americans (like every other industrialized country does to bring down pharmaceutical prices).
16. Create a national exchange with a strong regulation enforcer instead of state-based exchanges with weak local insurance commissioners.
17. Force all non-HMO insurance plans on the exchange (or at least on the new OPM exchange) to work with the exchange commissioners to collectively negotiate a single provider reimbursement rate for all insurance plans (as it is in Switzerland, Belgium, and The Netherlands.)
18. Add truly strong risk adjustment mechanisms to force competition based on quality instead of trying to dump sick customers (as is done in The Netherlands).
19. Increase the actuarial value of the minimum qualified plans offered on the exchange and base subsidies on the gold level (80% actuarial value) instead of silver level plan (70% actuarial value).
20. Force all insurance companies on the exchange to offer at least one precisely designed high quality insurance plan. This will allow true apple-to-apple comparisons, and make it harder for insurance companies to game the system.
21. Greatly reduce the amount of plan design leeway given to insurance companies to reduce their ability to game the system.
22. Make it illegal to sell basic health insurance for profit, like in almost every first-world country on Earth.
23. At the least, allow only non-profit insurance plans to take part in the new exchanges (or OPM exchange).
24. Reduce the community rating based on age to at most a 1:2 ratio with age rating bands. (one price for all 18-30 year olds, one price for 30-45 year olds, and one price for all 45-64 year olds).
25. Make minimum medical loss ratio 92%. (Try to do this in way to get around the CBO.)
26. At the very least, remove the MLR loophole for the individual market.
27. Allow state and local governments to apply for grants from the CO-OP program.
28. Allow the co-ops to sell insurance to anyone, not just the small group and individual markets.
29. Allow undocumented immigrants to buy health insurance with their own money on the new exchange.
30. Make all legal immigrants eligible for all public health care programs right away, instead of creating a five year wait.
31. Eliminate direct-to-consumer advertising for prescription medication.
32. Provide enough money to give every American access to a community health care center.
33. Follow the FTC recommendations and create a real pathway for biosimilars to create generic forms of the most expensive medications in this country.
34. Create a Government-run HMO option modeled on the VA system.
35. Scrap the whole bill and replace it with a single payer “Medicare-for-all” system.

And more:

1. Extend everyone’s COBRA coverage until the reform kicks in (like in the House bill).
2. Better define the term “medical loss ratio” in the bill to prevent insurers from gaming the regulation.
3. Give the IRS power and duty to enforce insurance companies’ MLR regulation.
4. Remove the six-month wait for the temporary high-risk pools for people with pre-existing conditions. If you can’t get affordable health insurance, it is immoral that the bill makes you go uninsured for six months before you get care.
5. Set up the exchange and all corresponding regulations for small business as soon as possible (a few months). They delayed the exchange because the regulations in the individual market require the expensive affordability tax credits. The small business market will not get expensive affordability tax credits, so there is no reason not to start the exchange just for the small group market as soon as possible.
6. Let insurers in the new exchange use a reimbursement rate based on Medicare plus some percent. (This idea from Jacob Hacker would have similar cost controlling effects as my previous suggestion of having the exchange commissioner force all insurers using PPO’s to negotiate one standard provider reimbursement rate.)
7. Use the OPM exchange to replicate something similar to the Swiss or German system. (Only allow only new CO-OP plans to take part. Mandate a 93% MLR, precisely define benefit packages, and have them collectively pool their negotiating power with providers and manufacturers. Make all co-ops on the OPM exchange share provider networks, reimbursement rates, and forms for PPOs plans or out-of-network charges. Create a robust internal risk adjuster and give all plans in the OPM exchange the power to reimburse at Medicare rates plus 10% for the first several years while the co-ops and OPM exchange gets off the ground.
8. Allow people below 190% of FPL, but who are not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, to buy in to the program.
9. At least allow people who were on Medicaid but have incomes that increase just slightly above the Medicaid qualification cut off to “buy in” to Medicaid so that they can keep a seamless coverage despite minor fluctuations in income.
10. Fully Federalize the whole Medicaid program.
11. Provide serious special benefits to insurance plans that score very high on precisely defined sets of metrics (MLR, cost effectiveness, consumer reviews, survival rates, speed of claim reimbursement, easy of appeal process, customer retention, etc.)
12. Encourage states and local governments to find a way to merge their state employer insurance exchanges with the new exchange as long as it can be done in a way that does not reduce the quality or increase the cost of coverage for state employees.
13. Encourage community health care centers to work together to create new fully integrated, cost-effective health care plans to cover individuals in Medicaid, the new “basic health program,” or on the new exchange. (like the Community Health Network of Connecticut)
14. Have all insurance plans that provide coverage for young children have zero cost sharing for the health care of the child.
15. At least make all health insurance plans covering children have extremely low co-pays, deductibles, and out-of-pocket limits for the coverage of the child.
16. Have all young children in the country without insurance coverage, regardless of legal status, automatically enrolled in some form low out-of-pocket public health care program. (No child on US soil or anywhere else on Earth should ever die due to lack of access basic affordable health care.)

Not infinitely

2009-12-14T09:37:00.003-05:00

I am patient, but not infinitely so. I am caring, but not without my limits. One of the biggest criticisms I get is that I love too much too deeply & accept far too much from those I love. I accept this too. The truth of the matter is that the line between in my love & out of it are so far back that most friends never get close to it. There are so few things that actually cross those lines. Acts of sexual predation, some murders, abuses, violence against children, extreme things like that. And of course: Lies. Lying to me, lying about me, lying in general that I find out about. That lil devil in all of those details: That I find out about. I find out. I always have, I most likely always will. It is strange when the actions of others force me to eliminate them from my life or from my heart. It is strange watching others I care about pretend to go along w/ people I see as untrustworthy. These are my musings this early early morning. I slept last night, have hot strong tea in my mug & a smile on my face.

Regret

2009-12-07T00:12:00.005-05:00

I generally don't regret. I weigh my decisions & interactions, my choices in general very carefully. Not stops me in my tracks paralyzed w/ fear trying to pick a path sort of way, but you've met me, simple fast blink decisions. I screwed up. I was a poor judge of character. I let emotions get involved with the facts presented to me & I chose to believe in someone who should not be believed. It has come to my attention recently that a trusted friend should never have been that at all. In fact I feel awful. Not because I made that mistake. People (including myself) make mistakes, they screw up & that is acceptable. Once a mistake has been made, once it has been realized to be just that; everything then looks to how one handles themselves. Do they come clean & own up to their mistake & attempt to rectify things with the wronged parties? Do they begin damage control in the fear that others have noticed their mistake & attempt to control perceptions about themselves? Do they attempt a character assassination upon the person who pointed out their mistake in the hopes to discredit this individual?

I've chosen to come clean. Since last spring I have believed someone who has been lying to me. Most of the lies have been about other people. I did not step up on behalf of these others because I did not know them well enough to know I was being told lies. Instead I allowed these lies to influence how I approached & thought of these people. There were truths in the lies. But I realize now that I participated, however unwittingly, in the character assassination of others. I deeply regret that.

It happens when you enter a new group of friends that people talk, they give you insights, they share with you the details of the relationships you are witnessing. This is an important function of the social dynamic. I have found that I have given ear to someone, who is not so bright that they see all the ramifications of their lies (I'm saying this person is NOT a mini-Machiavelli), however they are bright enough to think they can control perceptions of themselves & others. Upon finding out the sheer magnitude of the lies I was told I am in utter shock. It was uncomfortable for me to be told things that people did not want the person they spoke of to know. I accepted it as a part of how this person chose to live, shrouded by secrets, they painted themselves as a public figure that people gossiped about. I've found it has less to do with that, so much more to do with attempts to control perceptions.

Think of this less as complaint or reveal and more as a confession. I've been lied to & lied about. BUT I perpetuated the lies by not stopping them. I feel awful about that. I regret that. I'm sorry that I put my name up in defense of this person instead of the people that were being vilified. Out of the darkness and into the light. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And all that rot, rather all that growth.

A Love Letter to my friends

2009-12-03T03:38:00.003-05:00

Dearest friends,

I love you for accepting me the way that I am. For allowing me to change & grow but not labeling me or putting me into a static box. You respect me & the hard choices I make. You treat me with respect, answer when I call, come when I need, aren't afraid to expect the same from me.

I love you. I love the ways you trust me. The truths you tell me. For calling me on my bullshit & reminding me when I'm staring at the line just how far I am from it. For loving me when I call you on your bullshit. For helping me to be honest to myself.

I love you for believing in me & supporting me in every imaginable way. Regardless of the situation, you help me process, to see all sides. You listen to me & tell me what you think & give me the freedom to make my own mistakes while still supporting me as myself.

The support you've given in the last few months has been immeasurable. You've kept me sane, kept me here, kept me in one solid piece. Without you...(insert ridiculously sappy Rent lyrics here)

For singing songs beside the graves, for touch, for understanding, for compassion, for talks til 0400 that never seem to end and yet have just begun, for laughter, for tears, for warming me better than a hot tub, for cooling better than the cold side of the pillow.

Thank you.

I've been writing that for weeks now - I feel it is as ready as it can be - of course - there is sooo much more.

Sweet lord...

2009-12-01T14:15:00.002-05:00

Scares me oodles. Seriously everyday the world gets a lil more scifiscarelicious - though i've stopped chanting 1918 for a while.

Peace in the Valley...

2009-11-30T21:29:00.001-05:00

This is how I feel tonight - thank you Alabama 3 - if you can tell me the underlying message of this song - there is a prize in it for you.

"For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in,
To know its insanity, really know it,
Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately,
The thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are,
Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane,
Your ace in your hole,
The psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you,
Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror,
Whatever you fuck your brain with, whatever that is,
Whatever that is,
It's a lie,
It's a lie."

She spends too much time with herself every night
Just fooling around with her fears.
In the morning she mourns the decline of her mind
Drowning in a bottle of beer.
It's too dangerous just to think about what she might have been
If she'd sung for salvation, if she'd danced on her dreams.

But there's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight she's gonna blow it all away
Lord, she feels so twisted, She ain't ever gonna fix it,
She's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

An' he don't know if he's a communist, a hedonist or a whore
Spent too much time ridin' on a white line to find the door
An' if he did and he opened it, he'd find those letters in the hall
But he's too blind to read between the lines
'Cos the writing's on the wall.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight he's gonna blow it all away
Lord, he feels so twisted, he ain't ever gonna fix it,
He's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Let that light shine awhile,
Grand old oprie lights are on, Hank Williams on the juke box, we all comin' home tonight.
I'll tell you dear...)

I got Ecstasy, but I need some company
You got that mystery; Lord I need a plan
All I got is a compromise and a bag full of alibis
Lord, as empty as the bottle of whiskey in my shaking hands.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight we're gonna blow it all away
Lord we feel so twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(One more time for the people)

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight, we're gonna blow it all away
You know we feel so fuckin' twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Now's the time for you to get right and repent)

Oh yeah.

So much & yet so little

2009-11-20T05:37:00.003-05:00

DiFranco was sick - he is getting better. Had to have 8 teeth removed. We are waiting on results from thyroid tests. He has one more day of pain meds left - I've been daily updating on the FB. Pic is over a year old - he's lost about 1/2 the weight-but structurally still a big kitty. He's on a prescription diet to regain some of the weight & shows signs of a returning appetite.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. Fretting over too much out of my control. Trying to control what little i think I can. I can't find my chai - it is kinda making me crazy. That & the grow light for Dagon & the bamboo - so far they are ok - but I can't seem to find it.

Oh here I am

2009-11-05T02:13:00.002-05:00

Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

Happy Devil's Night

2009-10-30T23:40:00.002-04:00

On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

O freakin K

2009-10-27T04:49:00.003-04:00

Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

Am ok for now

2009-10-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

Updates:

2009-10-19T01:16:00.003-04:00

Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Update

2009-10-11T21:00:00.003-04:00

My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.

I was hoping that this would wait...

2009-10-10T11:28:00.002-04:00

until later in the presidency - you know until it was actually warranted- until he had actually caused peace somewhere in the world.

BUT - I can't resist this:

In other news...

2009-10-08T19:07:00.003-04:00

Georges gets here from Glasgow in less than a week!!! - I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Short of the Metallica show there are no plans - AND yet still I am too excited to see & cuddle his skinny butt.

Prayers, energy, light...

2009-10-08T14:07:00.003-04:00

My cancer patient is dying - you've been around me for the last 6+ months, you know who I am talking about. She is a dear sweet soul & is currently surrounded by family & friends. All I'm saying is that she is not too much longer of this Earth. All prayers, love, light, & energy that the transition is smooth & swift.

On the side I've got to admit that I appreciate being involved so closely with death & dying & terminally ill patients because it keeps me honest. Who has time for petty liars & their bullshit drama when you are holding hands with death? Perhaps this is me being way too extreme, but as with all passings I am reviewing my life & I realize again that I am happy with my choices.

Cleaning, organizing, joi

2009-10-01T21:12:00.003-04:00

Tonight I made dinner for my new household - spaghetti & meatballs - they had been simmering most of the day. Good reviews all around. I am currently cleaning & reorganizing my space it is about 50 in here & I am eyeing my pile of "to be blankets" clothes & my sewing machine - but the piles of stuff in between are daunting - I hope to have it presentable for saturday night.

Speaking of which we are having a party here at FTS Compound for Justin's birthday - if you haven't met Justin he is fantastic. You can see my new digs & visit the cats if you make it out. Well you can meet the other 4cats & come up to my room to see mine.

Adjusting - kinda.

Recycled Rainbow has ended

2009-09-28T00:11:00.002-04:00

& to continue this line of thought I had lyrics in my head every quiet moment I found myself in. It was the rain & missing Adam. I found him in my forebrain a lot this weekend - nothing to do w/ the temple, just other things & camp & rain & too many moments spent singing to eachother in the quiet thru the pain. Too many nights holding him thru shudders & sweats & nausea & fatigue. I tried to stay busy or preoccupied. It worked kind of, lots of silent tearing thru the weekend. The thought of rain started the lyrics rolling thru my head beforehand.

"EPONINE

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

MARIUS(in counterpoint)
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

EPONINE
And rain...

MARIUS
And rain...

EPONINE
Will make the flowers...

MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow... "

Maybe someday I'll sing it & he'll live instead.

Saturday night

2009-09-27T23:53:00.003-04:00

Temple burn

This were the words ringing in my head.

"If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Father:
Hello tiger, it's great fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Father:
I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Father:
But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Father:
Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here

I hope somewhere you hear them too

Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter:
It's okay you can go now"

Mixed emotional bag of mess

2009-09-27T23:15:00.004-04:00

"How many do you need?"

"I was told you are a collector"

You know me - nothing quite like being accused of being a whore. Nothing quite like being openly judged & spoken of behind my back before uttering a word near my face. ME?!?!? The woman who kills herself to trust anyone.

I ended the burn talking to the one person in my current social circle who I would vote off of the island if I could. Confronting me finally as she projected her own insecurities & behaviors on to me. I'm pacing the cage til I get to address everything with the appropriate parties. I hate liars.

I feel like a giant bruise

2009-09-20T00:21:00.003-04:00

I am covered in bruises from the cleaning/packing/moving this past week. I am sore like my entire body is a strained muscle - note strained, not sore muscle, but actual strained muscles. I feel like I did too much & the anemia & cramping & fatigue are all catching at my heels. Like a mamba that just keeps striking even as I run away. Still emotionally overwhelmed but feeling good about the new living situation. I just need to get the rest of my life in order. Help.

0309 & still up

2009-09-16T03:09:00.002-04:00

Nerves?

Freakouts?

Stress?

Yes please - all of the above - I'm trying to calm to some semblance of rest but the brain won't shut up - I'm too freaked out about the move, I have so much to do tomorrow. I have a few hours til my upstairs neighbor leaves for work - than I can pump up the music & begin moving things to the front porch for staging. I just want to get it all out of here now.

My stomach is spitting acid on my esophagus - So lying down is hurty. At this point I want like 2-3 hrs sleep going into this madness.

@ 1400 today the first van gets here.

Eeeep.

ummmm

2009-09-14T21:02:00.003-04:00

Patrick Swayze is dead. For reals. The pancreatic cancer won. He was 57, 3 years older than my dad. He'd fought cancer bravely. The Beast was an amazing body of work. He could dance & move, so beautifully but his acting, damned. He is my favorite guilty pleasure in Roadhouse. I still smile when I see the hot pink letters come on the screen. Just sad, really really sad. I hope his family knows how much joi he brought the rest of us & take comfort in it. wow.

Post 666 - Huzzah!!!

2009-09-13T23:41:00.003-04:00

Seriously I wanted to write something amazing but I'm emotionally overwhelmed & physically exhausted from the packing. I am watching Run FatBoy Run & I gotta say for a "fatboy" Simon Pegg has great legs. AND I LOVE that he is wearing old skool headphones (the fully covering the ears) while he is doing his training runs - I love that boi.

Big move night on Tuesday - I am anticipating 2 vans available to help. I need more bodies then & the rest of the week. Please let me know asap if you can help out. I just need help with all of this.

Dunekitty makes me smile. - I've been repeating the fear mantra from Dune a lot lately. So much of this experience has been terrifying on so many levels for me. So many things I have never done nor contemplated doing. Seriously this is the longest I've been unemployed since I was 17 & I took the first semester of college off to just go to school. By 2nd semester I was at least rollin down to the ALI (American Language Institute). Send me leads please.