Secular Transcendence

MOVING DAY

2008-10-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

I will be making a home at my new blog. Time to move on...Hope y'all stop by soon.

Growing Up

2007-06-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book called Grown-Up Girlfriends: Finding and Keeping Real Friends in the Real World by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver. It is put out by those nifty Focus on the Family people. I picked it up at Barnes and Noble about a month-and-a-half ago with a free gift card I received from taking a survey online and on the phone. A $30 gift card. I also picked up Sylvia Plath's Ariel and a bargain book about learning how to listen and communicate better.

Feeling the way I have lately is in part a direct correlation to my friendship situation. This friendship situation I speak of has been my inability to function properly with other people. On one hand I've been horribly dependent on others to take God's place in who I turn to in a time of need, to feel worthy, to feel loved and needed. On the other hand I am not really in a state of mind to try and demand anything from friendships as I am far to emotionally immature to properly respond and react in a way that is functional and healthy. So as a result I've distanced myself from everyone I love, have become numb to those I shouldn't and have thrown in the towel on relationships in general (Save for Rachel and my husband).

One good thing that has come from my disappearing act is that I don't feel so needy. I don't feel hurt when nobody calls me. I don't even really think about it. I don't think about what anyone is doing and whether or not they'll invite me. I just don't care. Sure, I am praying for my friends' blessings and I think of them fondly - I just don't harbor any feelings about the structure and stability of our relationships. It is quite liberating. The lack of paranoia is refreshing. The few times I've spent with some people have been really great - I guess absence does make the heart grow fond.

Another cool thing about spending all this time alone and not being so preoccupied with what everyone else is thinking is that I've become more in tune with how my emotions work. I've narrowed my problems down to a few things (Have yet to make an appointment with a counselor, I have this incredibly dominating personality issue of thinking I can fix everything myself even when I know intellectually that I CANNOT).

I know I have serious premenstrual and menstrual (And post menstrual for that matter) problems. I tend to have cramps and SEVERE mood swings up to two weeks before the actual bleeding starts - usually late, sometimes skipping whole months, sometimes two. In almost every case, the PMS lasts until after the first two days of bleeding. I believe that it is a possibility that whatever hormonal imbalance I have is causing my severe mood swings and the frustration of having no control over it amplifies my emotions tenfold. It is much less stressful, however to view my emotional instability as a physical condition that can be eventually controlled through diagnosis and medical treatment as opposed to decades of therapy until one day through rigorous testing and horrible depression I find the right balance of meds to finally find some sort of peace.

During these days, weeks and sometimes months I am on edge. I find fault in everything anyone does, I am short-tempered and anxious, I am depressed, paranoid, I over-eat, I'm exhausted. I am numb to any one's problems and I can't seem to think about anything else other than what I am feeling at the time. Even though mentally I know it is wrong to act the way I do, I can't seem to get a handle on it and I actually feel too "tired," to react or act in any other fashion. It seems like too much trouble to apologize, to calm down, to listen to any one's problems, to be there for anyone in general. This is becoming an issue because of my family's increasing dependence on me and my even more increasing apathy.

Even though I am going through this very thing this week (Started the Sunday I was at Moro Bay, I'm so sorry for being so distant Rachel) I had a moment of clarity this evening. Jason has workshop, the two friends I have been talking about going to the movies with are busy tonight, another friend I haven't spoken to in weeks has other plans tonight...I started to feel like, "What the heck am I going to do with myself?" I picked up Grown-Up Girlfriends and started reading it and two hours later I'm half-way through it. (Yes, I have gone off on quite a tangent here, have I not?)

The book begins with a scientific and biblical background explaining the desire women have for friendships. Erin and Carrie explain to us how women are designed with companionship in mind and reference the bible from the purpose of Eve to the relationships between Ruth and Naomi and Mary and Elizabeth.

The scientific explanation was taken from a UCLA study that noted how women seem to congregate together during high times of stress. Doctors Shelley Taylor and Laura Klein gathered information together from "animal research and studies examining the interaction of hormones and the nervous system."1 They found that when the hormone Oxytocin is released during stress, it causes women to tend to children and gather with other women. The action of relating or tending releases more Oxytocin which counters stress and produces a calming effect. Men, however produce testosterone during periods of stress which seems to reduce the effects of Oxytocin which is why the doctors also found that men seem to isolate from others during these periods of stress.

Klein and Taylor also reported that the more friends a woman had the less likely she was to develop physical impairments and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. Sounds good to me.

This wonderful book goes on to discuss why God calls us to friendships and how to understand the purpose in a specific relationship. When you are able to exemplify Christ in your behavior you open up a whole new world for your friendship - it becomes much more beneficial. The benefits of a Christ-like friendship described in Chapter two are: 1. Taking the focus off yourself. When you aren't in a relationship to nurture your own needs and desires you get the opportunity to see how God is using that friendship. When you can see God's way miraculous things can happen. 2. Realizing that the relationship is about God and not about you or your friend. Allowing the focus to remain off yourself and others relieves the pain of rejection and disappointment that relationships can bring. 3. When seeking God and His purpose the challenging times can be viewed with meaning and hope. He could be teaching us to be less critical, more accepting or to help a friend who's life is in the dark.

My favorite part of the book so far is in Chapter 3 The Grown-Up Friend Experiences Levels of Intimacy In this chapter Erin shares a conversation she had during which her mother-in-law described friends as baskets. The baskets, she explained, represented the levels of intimacy shared with friends. The third basket is your acquaintances. The second basket is your good friends and the first basket is your most intimate relationships. The importance in this analogy is to assess your situation and determine the roles - so to speak - of the people in your life. Do you expect too much attention from an acquaintance? Do you push your gym buddy into a much more intimate relationship than he or she is ready for? Are you experiencing true intimacy with your best friend or are you spreading yourself too thin amongst all the other people you wish you were closer to? These statements spoke loud and clear to me and after a good cry I became determined to discover who's in my baskets and treat them accordingly.

A poignant point in this chapter is the hard discovery that most of us try to replace God with human relationships. All this intimacy we crave with people can be easily answered if we can just learn how to become more intimate with God. They ask, "Where is God in your baskets? Has He slipped into a basket number three role, with limited intimacy shared? Where do you desire Him to be?"2

Chapter 4, The Grown-Up Friend Is Committed to Knowing Herself discusses heart. They quote Mark 12:28-31

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

I have lost site of the state of my heart. I have hardened it over time. I have blocked God's love from passing between me and other people. In a state of fear and rejection I have not only ruined several friendships, I have caused others to be irreparably damaged and others yet hang in the balance. Instead of reaching out to those who I have felt hurt by and trying to reconcile differences, I have allowed the deceiver to make me believe I have to be tough and turn away from people to protect myself.

I am ashamed and saddened by all this time wasted being so angry and distant. There are ways to set boundaries and protect myself without shutting out the love God wants us all to share. Erin and Carrie quote the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz:

It was a terrible thing to undergo, but during the year I stood there I had time to think that the greatest loss I had known was the loss of my heart. While I was in love I was the happiest man on earth; but no one can love who has not a heart, and so I am resolved to ask Oz to give me one.

And thus I beg God to soften my heart, to open it to all, to teach me to love unconditionally to teach me how to get my emotions in check so that my reactions are fruitful and always out of love. I pray that God will awaken my spirit to the needs of others because this numbness is the most depressing thing of all.

I ask God to help me learn to embrace all differences. To learn the value of differences and to always seek His way to see His purpose and to once and for all learn how to live beyond myself. (Do I smell a re visitation to Beth Moore?)

God bless you all and I hope to be back for a recap once I finish the book. Oh and I know I have a little something I call The Genius of God to get back to as well ;-)

1. Ch. 1, p. 13
2. Ch. 3, p. 51

MY TRIP TO MORRO BAY

2007-06-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

Remember in elementary school on the first day of school when the teacher would make you write an essay about your summer vacation? It would be like, "My summer vacation. This summer I went to Gramma's house. We swam every day. We bbq'd at nighttime. My gramma has a cat. I like her cat. His name is Omar. He has a blanket that he carries with him everywhere. When I grow up I want to have a cat just like Omar. The end."

Here is a grown-up version of my summer vacation.

I got a late start Saturday morning because I was up until 1:30 am over-preparing for my weekend trip to Morro bay. Not only was my trunk neurotically stuffed with items I never once for a minute thought I wouldn't use (Darth Vader beach chair w/ cup holder, tri-pod, wood, badminton set), my backpack wasn't packed with items I sorely missed, (long pants, tennis shoes [who forgets their tennies?], warmer clothes in general). The ironic thing (or not) about that is I checked weather.com and was fully aware of the probable temperature and told myself for days not to forget my tennis shoes and jeans.

Not wanting to see the inside of Rocky Roaster at all I received my caffeine fix from the local drive-through Starbucks down the street from my apartment. I don't know if it was the withdrawal headache (I'm used to that first cup around seven am and it was almost nine) or the intense thirst, but that triple espresso over ice with three Splendas and steamed soy milk wasn't bad.

The ride up was gorgeous. The weather was beautiful and I had the perfect selection of coastal driving music: Among My Swan by Mazzy Star, Nick Drake's Five Leaves Left, The Man Who by Travis, and Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head. I ate the most expensive breakfast EVER at Ellen's Danish Pancake House in Buelton, 'Home of Pea Soup Anderson's'. For the fifteen dollars I spent on an omelet and a cup of coffee I could have had a Danish sausage wrapped in a Danish pancake (Which is like a decadent Bratwurst wrapped in a crepe).

As Rachel said it was Serendipitous that I left when I did as they left later than expected as well and we all ended up arriving at the campground at the same time. It was at an RV campground which we camped, a huge area that boasted some 48 tent sites as well. Rache's parents have a really cool RV and we set up camp in tents across the way. It wasn't exactly the kind of camping I'm used to (Backpacking in, no stores around, no showers, porta-potties at best), but it was still nice and the view was spectacular.

Saturday we ate at a fish and chips place that would blow your mind. We got a bucket of fish, a bag of fries, two cartons of the best garlic, Parmesan cheese fries EVER and some sodas for like fifty bucks. It fed (stuffed) seven of us. After dinner Rachel and I hiked up Black Hill for our much needed photo excursion. (See new photos on Flickr, which I will load sometime today). We got crazy and it was so much fun. I enjoyed that few hours so much I didn't even care that I was hiking around in socks and flip-flops. (Go Reefs!)

The night consisted of leaning on the rice aisle, laughing so hard I had to pee after Rachel told her husband I would be roasting his sausage (It felt SO good to be around someone who willingly goes along with my desire to act like we're fourteen) roasting marshmallows and practically nodding off over the warm fire. We slept hard and deep, not unlike drugged babies.

The next day Rachel and her family went to church while I set out to explore more of the Bay. I tasted coffee from three different shops and I have to say RR's is still the best I've ever had. The fog made for some great views and I really enjoyed the me time. After church Rachel and I stalked the shops for trinkets and I managed to find myself a few buttons and a few gifts for a few family members that I have yet to part with. (Hey, I'm sick and my car is in the shop, I'll get over there as soon as I can).

I kept saying I had to leave by noon and it wasn't until three that I actually got on the road. Unfortunately Pismo beach was on the way home and I ended up getting sucked into the fabulousness that is Pismo until after five. Right before I left the beach my camera just shut down and I figured the batteries were dead (Now that they are recharged, it turns on but the lens still won't open! I'm dying inside over this, you have no idea).

My car overheated on the way home so I drove for almost three hours with the heater on. Between the ice cold air of the beach and the horrible heat of LA county, not having any shoes while camping and sleeping with no pants on during a very cold, dewy night - I came down with a nasty cold that I am allowing myself to be a complete baby over as I write this.

The highlight of my trip was the beauty and of course seeing Rachel. I can't believe how comfortable I am with her. Like family. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just sharing space with her is more than anyone could ask for. She's so full of love and light - such a fun-loving girl with wits so sharp they'd cut you if she wasn't so darn nice. It had been a long time since I laughed that hard. Thank you Rachel. I love you.

2007-05-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I want to say right now for so many different reasons. Partially I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts I can't seem to put them together in my own head, let alone articulate anything to anyone else. I also am bombarded with more emotions than I know how to handle at this moment. I'm just gonna go ahead and write here, as if this one entry were torn straight out of my stream-of-consciousness diary.

Right now, as I type this I'm in pain. Like serious pain. My neck feels like it has been wrung. I had what a normal, well-balanced, Civilized Lady of Polite Society would call a "temper-tantrum." I blew my top. I think I'm in the middle of another nervous breakdown and it is freaking me out.

When I was seventeen I was out of control. This was before the drugs, too. All I had tampered with at that time was some cigarettes and some Jack Daniels once or twice. Oh, I had dabbled in marijuana a few times in high school but that's out of context.

I mean. I was. OUT of CONTROL. I had been diagnosed with Extreme Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and also "Possibly suffered from manic-depressive episodes." They put me on Tegretol for my uncontrollable rages during which I would throw frying pans across the kitchen at anyone in my way, I busted my sister's face up with the receiver of a pay phone and I tried to slit my brother's throat with a butter knife.

I was put on Desipramine for my depression. Unfortunately the drugs interacted with each other and after one particularly emotionally traumatic event I had a complete psychotic and nervous breakdown during which I ingested all of my pills and chased them with a package of Vivarin. I was hospitalized for a length of period I do not recall and I tricked my mother into not institutionalizing me - she did not for fear I would try again and succeed.

Over the years I seemed to have calmed down...I always assumed it was due to all the pot I smoked and acid I dropped. I went to school, I worked hard, I slowly - but surely gathered together some semblance of "normalcy." HA.

All I did was shove it all deep down inside and mask it with random addictions. Looking back I realized that even then it wasn't completely covered up. There were always the horrible nightmares. Every night for as long as I can remember I've had nightmares. There were instances I would cry for hours if I had some silly argument with someone or something random didn't work out for me. There were times I heard voices or saw shadows.

Then I became born again and it all seemed to go away. For a few months. Then last spring things started to creep up. I would notice that I was more edgy than usual. I started getting paranoid. I heard voices. I saw shadows. The nightmares got worse. I would cry at random times. The lump in my throat that I would have to swallow hard over whenever there was some sort of agitation in anyway. It lasted through the spring and most of the summer and then things got better.

A few months ago my moods started really bothering me again. I was going from being euphorically happy to totally depressed to being so angry I thought I'd explode. Now I'm just depressed. I am frustrated. I can't see my way out of it.

I am crying all the time. I can't think straight. I'm so paranoid. I seem to be having moments of clarity after I cry for a few hours. Today I didn't think I'd be able to work. I stuck to myself and didn't really talk to anyone. I almost freaked out on my boss over something terribly insignificant but I walked away and talked myself down - I'm proud of myself for that and ultimately shocked because I thought I was going to lose it and my job.

It was so bad that I was shaking and weak and my neck started to stiffen...Like I was using every ounce of power I had in me to control myself. But after a few more disturbances in my day I totally lost it. Picture me: Passenger seat, Jason driving, I'm screaming and kicking and punching and crying. I punched the window, the dash, myself. I kicked at the dash. I screamed so hard that I thought I had severed my windpipe because there was this excruciating burning sensation that struck me suddenly and now it still hurts to swallow.

I'm not dealing with anything right now. I think the harder I try to be normal, the worse I feel. I actually start getting angry at my friends because I feel if I don't keep it together they won't like me anymore. So I get angry at them...How does that make sense? At the time it makes perfect sense. Now that I'm looking at my behavior, I realize how selfish and just crazy it seems.

I'm noticing all the signs of when I had my last breakdown. I must tell you right now...I WILL NOT BE COMMITTING SUICIDE. The one difference between now and then is my faith. I'm not so out of my mind that I've forgotten the laws of God.

However, my quality of life is waning and I need help. I am so scared to go back into therapy. I am so scared they will tell me they can't help me, they'll refer me to a psychiatrist who will then put me on mind-numbing drugs that will make me the Perfect Citizen while the storm rages in my soul. Please pray for me. Please pray that I pull myself together enough to just go talk to someone. I know I need it. I am clear on that. I don't want to lose again. I can't start all over again. I won't.

My brother Jason is going in for another surgery tomorrow. I haven't posted anything on it because any emails or calls about it would have sent me to the bin. I've been trying not to think about it because there is just so much to do and I know that if I dwelled on it enough to make me write about it then there was going to be a problem.

So now that the surgery is tomorrow I'm opening up about it and asking you all for your prayers that when they look at him they'll know what to do and that won't include taking veins and muscle and tissue from his abdomen and threading them through his neck into his head because that is a very risky surgery. We're praying that he has enough skin on his scalp that they can cover the baseball-sized hole in his head. That's all we can do.

God bless.

i thought this was over

2007-05-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

When everyday is a struggle. It's a struggle just to open my eyes. To sit up, throw my legs over the side of the bed and push myself into a standing position.

to brush my teeth
wash my face
wear shoes
go to work
shower
take my pants down to pee

but i do it everyday
i do it because if i don't it will all fall apart.
thank god i'm needed. i don't think i'd be able to do it if people didn't depend on me. i guess that's god's blessing for me.
i wish suicide got you into heaven. one way ticket. thank god for faith. shit. thank god.

i get out of bed everyday and i live my life and i put on my pretend hat and i smile and say "I'm good!" when my legs feel like lead weights and all i want to do is lay down but i can't sleep i could stay up for days but i don't because i'm working and i know i have to do that because that's what's expected. it's like autopilot. some one's definitely driving for me. cause i'm not in control.

i do it because if i don't then they all hate you and they all tell you what a burden you've become.
they treat you like shit because they know you'll take it. because you need their love to feel whole.
you always hurt the ones you love.
and they say it's me. i'm the one that hurts.

everyday feels like it's going to be my last. i daydream about getting hit by a car and my funeral and who will be there. i see myself hemorrhaging. all the blood in my body flowing from my nose and mouth. slumping, lifeless on the bathroom floor amidst the time magazines and bloody-snot-rags.
i imagine i'll die alone. afraid. panic.

every minute i question what's real. people deny what i'm positive has happened. i doubt their motives. it has become a game pretending to be normal.
i want to breakdown
break shit
scream and kick in the walls
but i'm so tired
and i ache all the time
and i'm afraid i'm turning cold.
my heart turning to stone
my passion is waning

the only things i find remotely pleasurable are movies and food. i want to stuff myself until i all i can feel is the blood rushing through my brain. it hurts and that pain reminds me that i'm alive and the point is to do it. endure. thrive. in spite. of. it all.

i want to lose myself in some body's story because art is the ONLY THING I CAN RELATE TO.

these strangers, painters, authors. their story is just like mine. they feel my emotions and speak my thoughts. i think they know my life. they must. is it a disease? is that why it won't go away. won't fucking go away?

i thought this was over.
i thought it was over.
why do i always go crazy in the spring?
i need help. i fucking need help. i'm lost. i am seriously fucking lost.

2007-05-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

I had this really bad dream last night that lingered long after I woke and is still weighing heavily on my mind because I can't figure out what it means. I fell asleep around 11:30 pm and immediately began dreaming that I was laying face down on one of those metal merry-go-rounds they have at parks for kids. I was on my stomach, my head hanging down over the edge, my arms stretched out before me.

It wasn't a colorful dream, nor was it in black and white, but it was like almost sepia, everything had a sort of reddish-brown tint, like that picture of me with the wooden dolphins. It was fuzzy, there were trails, things were pretty blurry but I could still make it all out.

An unrecognizable man in a suit approached me and placed his hands over mine and said, "So you love God?" In an almost taunting, bitter voice. It immediately terrified me and I called out to Jesus right away. I prayed with all my might and I was awakened with this feeling of dread. I felt as if the man was still in the room with me and for a split second I couldn't move. As soon as I could I reached out to Jason and cried in his arms until I fell asleep.

A few days ago I collapsed in bed as soon as I got home and fell into a deep slumber. I had many weird dreams and I had many instances where I was half-awake but couldn't move. It had been a long time since I suffered from sleep-paralysis, but I've gotten used to it so it didn't scare me too much, even though I had what I can only describe as either visitations or hallucinations of others being in the room with me.

At one point; however, things got a bit scary. I felt a heavy body slide up next to me in bed and press against me. I "sensed" it was a male entity and it seemed to be attempting to molest me. It held me down and although I was totally paralyzed - I couldn't even cry out for help - my eyes were squinted open and I could barely make out a large, dark shape in front of me (I was laying on my side). The strange thing about that is I felt the entity behind me.

As soon as I became aware of what was happening, I cried out to Jesus and as SOON as I said His name, I saw the black shape shoot away from me and I felt light as a feather. Although I sensed the entity still there in the room, I knew it couldn't harm me after I asked for God's assistance.

I know of all the stories of Incubus and Old Hag syndrome and the possibility of hallucination during sleep paralysis. I also know that before I became a BAMJ (My acronym for born-again Messianic Jew) these things happened quite often. The male entity haunted my dreams and disturbed my sleep on almost a daily basis. After I accepted the Holy Spirit into my heart these things stopped.

Why is this happening again? Who was the man in the suit? What is this entity disturbing my sleep once more? Does anyone have any incite on this? It's totally freaking me out and I KNOW I'm not going crazy. Er.

Letter to my sisters

2007-04-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am trying to realize (As I have always tried to do) that every one's problems are bigger to themselves. Even when I am in the depths of despair, foraging for light to break the darkness I feel within, there are others who see my life through the lens of their own pain and wonder what I have to complain about.

In moments like these (Serenity) I am able to understand their contempt (Or at least indifference) for my vocalization of stress, sadness, anger, etc., because I've been there. I have been in places so dark and devoid of any love that I couldn't possibly put myself in any one's shoes, let alone allow them to make me see the selfishness (And I say that literally, without the societal negative connotations) of my pre-occupation with my troubles.

There are times when I realize that any suffering I may endure is not only a direct reflection of how I am reacting to any given situation, but God's way of showing others how to endure times of strife. During those moments I am able to keep my problems to myself, be gracious in attitude and demeanor and lend a helping hand to those who cannot do it alone.

I must apologize to you all for those times when you have needed me to be there for you but I was all to consumed with how I was feeling, what I was going through. I am sorry for any time you wanted to approach me for support but felt guilty for doing so, or felt I wouldn't care or though I might lend only as much as an apathetic ear.

I have become withdrawn inside myself, my brain is feeding off itself. I am as lovely Crystal has said on many occasions, "Thinking myself into a coma." I have become so consumed with what I'm doing for people or what is being asked of me, my health - physical and mental that I have ceased to be a light that God can shine through. I have made my life about me, when all along and forever more it should be about Him.

I vow today that I will do my best to honor Him and to show you His love, understanding, patience and grace at all times. I promise I will constantly be asking Him to give me the strength to put you all first as He would and does do for all of us.

I prayed to God for a friend and he gave me several. You are all miracles in my life. I hope I never fail at making you see that. May God's love and peace be with you always, He loves you all so much and wants nothing more than for you all to find joy in all the little things. He wants you to give all your stress and anxiety to him! He can handle it!

We are all so precious to him. We are his little children and we can be as helpless as we want around Him. He's got it under control.

-Jennifer

Book of James 1:1-4
From the Holman Christian Standard Bible on Patience and Maturity

2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

Psalm 37:1-6
Also HCSB on Instruction in Wisdom

1 Do not be agitated by evildoers; do not envy those who do wrong.
2 For they wither quickly like grass and wilt like tender green plants.
3 Trust in the Lord and do what is good; dwell in the land and live securely.
4 Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.
5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act,
6 making your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like the noonday.

Philippians 4:4-9
HCSB

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
5 Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near.
6 Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.
9 Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

Thursday Thirteen

2007-03-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

Randominity...A word? Who cares.

1. Crashed the company van.
2. Been working a buttload. Tired as all get out but the money's good.
3. Bro's going back in for surgery...His head split open. Fun times are back at last.
4. Period is late. BIG surprise. (Smell that? That's sarcasm!)
5. Been vegan for two months, decided on a whim to eat a juicy, delicious cheeseburger, got sick for two days. Three cheers for peeing out yer butt!
6. Although I've been vegan I'm still dangerously addicted to sugar so I've only lost about five pounds give or take some water. Or poo. However you want to look at it.
7. I have three painful cavities - once filled back at the dawn of time - that are making me want to hit myself in the face with an ice skate a la Tom Hanks in Castaway.
8. There was a tornado. Yep, that's right Toto, a real-live torminado. Ripped off a few roofs too. Take THAT Kansas. Just kidding. But not about the tornado. That really happened. Sersly.
9. I heard there's a hexagon-shaped thing spinning over Saturn. Freaky-deaky.
10. They took our front door gate. In fact they took all of the ones in our apartment. We don't get them back either. That's so shitty. I have cats. It's springtime. I WANNA OPEN MY DAMN DOOR! On the plus side they gave us one new screen for our front room window. Of course the other side has no screen AT ALL, but we have one new one!
11. I had a million picture-perfect moments today but I FORGOT MY CAMERA.
12. Hansen's diet, calorie/sugar free Ginger Ale natural soda is AMAZING. Just thought I should fill you in on that.
13. And the number thirteen reason why dogs shouldn't wear clothes...Oh wait, I'm not on David Letterman. I'm at home, sitting here at the computer with WHIP LASH and I need a shower. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, goodnight!

Back from the Dead

2007-02-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't have posted today if I hadn't received a congratulatory email from Jeana at Days to Come for my nomination at One Woman's World in the category of "Most Thought Provoking." I have no idea who nominated me (As is the point I think) but whoever you are, wherever you are, thanks :-).

I wasn't even aware of this award until Jeana's email but now I wish I had been because that would have meant I'd been reading One Woman's World this whole time. Y'all should check it out. Good stuff.

So since I'm here I might as well update. Snippets, a la Rachel.

~ My brother is still healing from his veritable plethora of attacks under the knife. If USC really has the best surgeons in the country, America's patients are in a world of hurt. He's alive and in good spirits. He knows that it is all in God's hands and if these surgeries served any purpose at all, it was to bring him back to his faith. Amen.

~ Jason and I are still exploring our options to get a loan...We've been turned down twice already but aren't giving up. This is our future we're talking about here! Any and all prayers are welcome.

~ I did a bowel cleanse almost a month ago that required me to eat raw/vegan for the five days I was cleansing. Since then I have not eaten any meat and have eaten very little dairy. I've lost ten pounds and feel great. I'm allergic to dairy and since my digestive system is deformed meat has been very bad for me. Now if I could just cut out the sugar I would be on the road to Not Dying of Diabetes.

I read somewhere that when Renee Zelwigger had to gain weight for Bridget Jones' Diary she simply stuffed herself with Crispy Cream donuts. She ballooned up to a meaty size 14 (I'm so rolling my eyes right now). To lose the weight she just cut out the donuts and went back to her regular eating habits which are totally not something I have any knowledge of. But the point is, sugar makes you fat. To cut sugar out means I would lose weight faster than the speed of stuffing my face.

~ Rachel, Debi and I are doing Beth Moore's Believing God bible study for the next nine weeks. We will be posting once a week (On the weekends) about it. Yay!

~ I haven't forgotten that I haven't finished The Genius of God yet but I plan on getting back to it. I've been in a fog since Christmas and I really think that I just need some more time to get back into the swing of things. It'll happen.

End of year Survey

2006-12-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Crocheted a blanket. TWO blankets.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't believe in new years' resolutions. If you can't make the necessary changes in your life as you see fit then what good are you?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not yet!

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit? Ha.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A grip.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Christmas was pretty unforgettable this year on more than one level.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I didn't get fired..

9. What was your biggest failure? Complaining too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No but it seems like everyone else around me is falling apart.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I picked up some pretty awesome CDs this year.

14. Where did most of your money go? Music.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Went to Texas for my first time, even though it was under unfortunate circumstances, it was cool to finally get to say I went and it was even cooler to finally meet Jason's mom. I got really into getting Christmas presents for everyone this year. But then again, I do every year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "Jackson" -Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter? Much fatter.

18. Richer or poorer? Richness is measured by success which is in turn measured by happiness so I'd have to say I'm richer.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I had taken a road trip this year, I wish I was a better friend, I wish I could have done more for people.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of? EATING. And complaining.

21. How will you be spending Christmas? Christmas was weird. There have been so many blessings in screwed up packages this year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006? I actually did fall in love with my husband all over again this year. Also, I fell in love with Jesus. It was a great year for romance.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Lost and Six Feet Under.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate. I might severely dislike...But I don't hate.

26. What was the best book you read? I'd have to say Mere Christianity by Lewis.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Psychedelic Country.

28. What did you want and get? Lots of music and a new dinner table booth.

29. What did you want and not get? A waist.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I think it would have to be Lady in the Water.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Tried to keep friends from leaving my 70's themed disco/punk party because it was 119 degrees and as humid as a hot shower on a Texas summer day. I turned 30. Nobody stayed longer than an hour. It was a complete failure. I think 31 will have to be the new 30.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Good health for all those around me.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Whatever fits.

34. What kept you sane? My husband.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Dude, is this question really being asked?

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I remained largely unstirred. Not much stirs me anymore.

37. Who did you miss? Rachel, my cousin Laurin, my brother Mat.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Alicia, Janeth and Stormy.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: No matter how bad you think you have it, there will always be someone else who's got it worse.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I'm stuck in Folsom Prison, and time keeps draggin' on..."

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE AND ALL IS WELL...

2006-12-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

The surgery lasted six hours. I was able to speak with a resident doctor that was on duty during the operation (The main surgeon left before we had a chance to speak with him) and she said that "It went well." She told me that he was OK, they switched the plate with a mesh and they removed some dead tissue. When I asked her about infection, she stuttered a bit and said that there was some tissue that was "Suspect," and was sent off to the lab to be tested. I was so involved with the fact that he was OK, I forgot about all the questions I was supposed to ask. When we went to his room, we had no answers for him and there were no doctors to be found. He was deep in a morphine sleep when we left.

When my mother and I were waiting during the surgery, there was this security guard acting as the concierge. He kept appearing when families would come off the elevators. He would be there when a child was looking for a parent. I saw him helping old ladies find their husbands. I was terribly exhausted and over the weekend I came down with the flu, but at one point I started imagining him as Jesus leading people around. It was a playful, pure little fantasy.

Well, this one time I saw him - and just happened to be praying - he turned around and walked right up to me.

"Who are you waiting for?" He asked.
"My brother is in surgery."
"Are you hopeful?"
"As much as we can be!"
"No matter how hard things are, remember the Lord can always work miracles."
At this point I got a little choked up. "I know," I croaked.
"And as long as you are still breathing, you need to be praying. Never forget that."

I was on the verge of tears when he told me to remind my mother of that. I did just that when she came in from her cigarette. A few minutes later he walked by, looked at her and gave her the thumbs up sign. She then asked me to go call the operator at the concierge desk and ask about my brother. That was when I spoke to the resident who told me the operation went well.

Praise God. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."

On the Eve of Christmas Eve-Eve

2006-12-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

My cats are so mean to each other. But they can also be so sweet. Like Miss Kitty will walk right up to LeeLoo and smack her in the face. Then wrap her arms around her neck, pull her to the floor and lick her silly. One time I watched as Miss Kitty was nonchalantly doing her business in the box and LeeLoo waited on the side of it. When Miss Kitty walked out LeeLoo jumped out in front of her and Kitty got all poofy and ran away. Isn't that mean? Cracks me up.

So looks like my family will be spending Christmas at the hospital. Surgery starts at 7:30 am Christmas Eve and he'll probably be there until Tuesday Wednesday. The doctor found a tear in the dural layer and a spinal fluid leak. The fluid is yellow. It is supposed to be clear. There is a fear of spinal meningitis. He's going to get the plate taken out and they will clean his brain off and then add a titanium mesh. Hopefully the hole in his head (Scalp) will heal as well and he'll stop leaking cranial fluid all over the place.

I am so proud of his endurance and his strength. He said himself it is all in God's hands. A true testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit hard at work.

We're celebrating Christmas tomorrow, so the blanket I was going to madly finish on Sunday in the waiting room will have to be done tonight. AND I have a purse and a scarf to make by tomorrow NIGHT. AND I am supposed to be making an appearance at a birthday party TONIGHT. AND I have to work tomorrow morning.

I feel so bad for my brother. He is so upset that not only he has to have another surgery but that he has to have it over Christmas. He was going to go to the Christmas Eve Disneyland bash on Sunday. He LOVES Disneyland.

I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically I am spent. So I better get busy here before I decide to just run out and buy a blanket, scarf and purse. Oh crap...I am making a pillow too. Forgot. Ugh. Better get to work. Here are some holiday chuckles for you...I swiped it from KiwiRia

Christmas Carols for the Dysfunctional
1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Depression --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Borderline Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

Email From my Mother In Law

2006-12-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

Not sure who sent this to her, but it was great.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO!'"

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember the above motto to live by!

Update: The doctor ordered an MRI. He thinks there might be a blood clot or fluid build up (Which would explain the cranial leak). Surgery is definite. The plate will be removed, the area will be inspected and cleaned and then they will replace the plate with a titanium mesh. The bone will be closely monitered. There is nothing they can do about the growth at this time, it would be too dangerous to disturb it. We will know how urgent the surgery is hopefully by tomorrow. He'll either be in the hospital over Christmas or after New Years. Doctor is on holiday all next week so we shall see. More later. Thank you all so much for your prayers.

NOTHING TO DO BUT DREAM - Jolie Holland

2006-12-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

The sun's too bright
And the mountains are too far
And there's nowhere in town
I can get to in my broken car
I've got nowhere to go but to sleep
I would shut my eyes but I've got promises to keep
I can't go crazy and I can't get sane
And I don't want to leave-I'd just have to come back again
I've got nowhere to go but to sleep...
I remember, I remember something about who we were
I remember, I remember something about who we could be
I've had nothing to do for years but dream
I got reckless
And I broke my baby's rule
And I'm sick and restless
With the wandering blues
Cause most of my friends are gone down the line
And I'm sitting in town on the proceeds of my crimes
I've got nowhere to go but to sleep...
I took my sister to the river and I came back alone
And this sickness that's on me is settling in my bones
And my Daddy is suspicious but I know how he does
He won't find out about it till she's safe down in the mud
With nowhere to go but to sleep
I would follower her down but I've got promises to keep
I remember, I remember something about who we were
I remember, I remember something about who we could be
I've had nothing to do for years but dream

Without the Sour the Sweet Would Not Be So Good

2006-12-14T16:50:00.000-08:00

CAT scan results are in. Bone is growing back. Not sure if it is old bone or new bone. It is growing rapidly at an alarming rate and spreading even further into his face and brain than before. A consult with his surgeon on Monday will determine what is to be done next.

As always his stoic strength is encouraging. I don't know how much longer I can keep up mine.

Please pray.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

2006-12-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS CHANUKAH? (Second post today!)

2006-12-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

Chanukah means "dedication" in Hebrew. In the 2ND century; before Christ was born, the Greeks wanted the Jews to denounce their religion and culture and assimilate into the Greek culture. Jewish observances and studies were outlawed and the foundation of Jewish life began to crumble.

Judah the Maccabee ("The Hammer") led an open revolt against the threat against the Jewish way of life. It was all-out guerrilla warfare against the Greek army. The Maccabees fought against thousands of well-armed troops and succeeded in driving them out.

When the Jews returned to Jerusalem their Holy temple was defiled, desecrated and torn to bits by the Greeks. They cleansed the temple and re-dedicated it on the 25Th day of the Jewish month of Kislev. They wanted to re-light the menorah (Candelabra used in Jewish temples) but there was only one small jar of oil left in the temple. Miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, enough time to find more oil.

Ever since then, Jews have observed a holiday for eight days in honor of this historic victory and the miracle of the oil.

It has been said that the menorah is a symbol of the nation of Israel and her mission to be "A light unto the nations." The light is not to be violent, but to set the example by not using force. God says in Zechariah 4:1-6, "Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit."

It is quite ironic that American Jews celebrate Chanukah with gift giving. Not wanting to make the kids feel sad that the rest of the country was celebrating the festivities of December what with Christmas and other winter parties, etc., they too adopted the idea of a "Holiday season," with parties, decoration, music and yes - gift giving. The irony lies in the fact that Chanukah was originally established to commemorate the opposite of cultural assimilation. Thankfully, the very foundation of American culture supports freedom of religion - so, the assimilation of Jews and America isn't one of violence and oppression but that of respect and acceptance.

This year Chanukah begins this Friday, December 15Th at sundown. Menorahs are to be placed in the window facing the street if you live in a house, or facing a main courtyard if you live in an apartment building. If you live off the first floor, placing the menorah on your table where people entering your home can see it fulfills the mitzvah. It is also said that a non-Jew or a non-practicing Jew who sees the menorah burning through a window - and is moved to learn more about Judaism, a mitzvah is fulfilled and he or she is blessed.

I feel very blessed this year because I am not only getting back in touch with my Jewish roots, but I am also recently born again in Christ. After years of skirting the issue I have finally accepted a religion and am a Messianic Jew. This year I not only bathe myself in the rich culture of my heritage and celebrate the re-dedication of the temple, but I get to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Happy Chanukah and Merry Christmas! Oseh shalom.

----Interesting fact: The original oil used in the menorah was olive oil!----

30 Valuable Lessons I've learned (The Hard Way) in 30 Years

2006-12-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

1. You cannot trust anyone except God. No matter relation, years known, or level of kindness shown by a person - Nobody is reliable except the Lord. So save yourself some sorrow and don't depend on anyone but Jesus.

2. That is why I must try very hard to stop allowing everything that enters my head to leave via my mouth. This verbal vomit is ruining my life. Where's my inner censor? Am I the only one without one? I could just stop talking, but then everyone would think there's something wrong with me. Every time I have a quiet day people bombard me with questions, which defeats the purpose.

3. Do not assume that people do good things for the greater good. A lot of people do good things to make themselves look good. It is better to do good deeds anonymously. Bragging about them only removes integrity from your actions.

4. Not everything is as it seems. Do not jump on the judgement wagon until you know all sides to every story.

5. Do not be a tattle-tale - especially if you took part in the tale.

6. Just because you don't get called out, doesn't mean your lie went unnoticed.

7. By the same token, just because you don't get called out, doesn't mean your secret is safe.

8. The old cliche - "The more things change, the more they stay the same," is true.

9. Just because everyone is nice to you, doesn't mean they like you.

10. It also doesn't mean they're good people.

11. Just because you've never heard of it, doesn't mean it isn't real.

12. And just because everyone believes it, doesn't mean it is true.

13. Just because it feels good, doesn't make it right.

14. Every body's body is different.

15. Everything but the Word of God is relative to one's perspective.

16. Good powers of observation will keep you one step ahead of everyone else. Be aware, be VERY aware.

17. Thinking only of yourself (Or of how you appear to others) is the best way to lose your sanity.

18. ALWAYS take responsibility for your own actions.

19. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

20. Be happy with what you have. If you covet some one's shit you'll go mad, and it might make you do bad stuff.

21. People throw around the word love like it was confetti at a ticker-tape parade. Actions speak louder than words.

22. You must read the Bible to keep Jesus in your heart. Without it you'll forget.

23. You must practice to be good. It isn't inherent. Well, not for most of us it isn't.

24. If you think you're great, you're probably not.

25. You ARE what you eat.

26. Being truly happy will help you live longer than eating right.

27. Never mess with a fat chick eating a cheeseburger on her period.

28. Most illness is caused by depression.

29. There is nothing better than a good laugh.

30. If he makes you laugh, if he wants to make love to you when you feel your fattest, if he supports all your stupid, little, crazy decisions, if he's nice to your mom, if he remembers all the stupid, little, crazy things you say, and if he will tell his best friend off for making fun of you - KEEP HIM.

2006-11-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

I can hear him howling in the night
gut wrenching sobs
like a lonely woman
lovesick and blue

They leave him in his empty space
i can hear him cry
it breaks me into little pieces
and I pray

His voice
sorrow writhes his vocal chords
as the hollow notes rise and fall
in sadness
i cry
and i pray

i want to gentle him through the cracks in the door
tell him its ok
but they'd think me mad
and anyways, he wouldn't understand

he cries
and i sit
and i wait
and i pray

i wonder if they know
how he feels when they leave
he's alone
and confused
and nothing will ever help
except their return

"Just a Ride"

2006-11-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
Accept that
There's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
Coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

-Jem

It's all just a blur

2006-11-10T15:46:00.000-08:00

I've had a really difficult past few weeks. Nothing particularly bad has happened to me, but I've been really stressed out and frankly a little depressed. I've been bad to my body in more ways than one, my moods have been swinging all over the place and I was beginning to wonder if I might be having a nervous breakdown.

It all built up inside and I packed it down with breathing exercises and prayer. I just pushed it all down into my guts and tried my hardest to just be "normal." Well, that was fine until the paranoia set in. And the bitchiness. And then once I started crying, I couldn't stop.

I think the paranoia is what gets me the worst. I feel like everything is fine and then all of a sudden I have like an episode that lasts for at least a week. I think everyone around me is crazy. I think there's conspiracies against me. I feel like everyone is keeping everything from me; talking about me behind my back, doing things they normally wouldn't - messing with my head.

Then I start feeling a little narcissistic and self-absorbed. I get mad at myself for assuming that things revolve around me that much. I get depressed because I feel my actions are out of control. Sometimes I hallucinate when I'm alone and quiet. Just the other night I was watching X-Files with Jason. He paused it, went to the restroom and while I sat there waiting for him to come back in the stillness of my room, I heard someone or something run behind me. I heard keys clanging. I heard scuffling across the carpet. It freaked me out.

The other night I woke up and my arm hurt really bad. It felt like it was being crushed. I started panicking and I thought I was having a heart attack. I breathed deeply and prayed and eventually it went away and I was able to go back to sleep. Then I woke up again but I couldn't move. I was having a bout of sleep pralysis. Which is something that hasn't happened to me in a very long time. I couldn't move a muscle. It was the heaviest it had ever been in my life. It seemed to last hours.

This was the first time I've had an episode since I found Christ. I remember when I was first coming around things were pretty bad. It got so bad that I still sleep with the light on out of habit. I know, my poor husband, he's so kind to me though. I had a nightmare the other night...A horrible nightmare and he held me until I fell back to sleep. Even though he was so tired and the position he was in was uncomfortable. But I digress.

See, I was under the assumption that because I had become a Christian, all my mental and emotional troubles would disappear, because the reason I had those troubles was that I was living my life in sin. I had no idea that I would still have night terrors. I was unaware of the fact that I might hallucinate again. I had hoped that the paranoia was gone for good.

Right now I'm sort of on the other side. I am pretty elated today. I am talkative and bubbly and have been pretty much laughing hysterical at everything all day long. Just like a child who's had too much sugar.

It is really weird because I know I can function very well and when I'm feeling like this or when I'm totally level I sort of lose touch with how I felt before...It almost seems like a dream. Except for the few lingering memories of saying some weird things and knowing that people were pretending not to notice, it is all just kind of like a blur.

Being in the midst of it is an altogether different story. It has made me question whether or not I should go see someone. Are my emotional disturbances emotional or are they spiritual? When I feel my worst, I am praying constantly. I beg the Holy Spirit to take over. But instead I feel alone and empty and THAT makes me doubt myself. That makes me doubt the choices I've made. The choice of leaving therapy behind. Of going anti-medication.

And then in no time, (Really, compared to most people with mental illness, my problems are so insignificant) I feel right with myself and with God and I think, nah, I don't need medicine or a doctor, I can handle it myself - with God's help of course.

Of course, there's also the problem of telling people I'm seeing a shrink, or taking dopamine because I'm a Paranoid Schizophrenic. The looks, the fake smiles, the way people act like they are walking on eggshells around you. I've been there and really, I don't want that stigma again.

I feel if I get involved with therapy God will feel I've left him. I'm afraid He'll think I have no faith. What I'd like to do is get involved with a good church that has Christian counseling. I just applied for re-admission to my old school so that I can take the one class that is keeping me from my degree. Then I want to go through one of those silly but still accredited online universities and get my BA. Then I would LOVE to attend Fuller Theological Seminary and get my own Christian Psychology and Philosophy degree.

Honest to God studying psychology and philosophy got me through the worst of times. My education helped me understand my own behavior so well and I credit it to most of my functioning ability. That and getting of the drugs :-)

Anyways, I really have no idea where this post is going. I'm out of steam. I'll leave you with some lyrics.

I want to change, to rearrange
What is going on
I need to change, I need to play
Like a five year old

I can't detach from the past and all of the pain
I need to learn, start from scratch begin again

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

So I'm going to eat one hundred sweets
I don't care if I get fat
And I'm going to speak, I won't censor me
I know I can take nothing back

And I'm going to jump I will unburden
I cannot go too deep
I will not run from bad things I've done
They're things I'll try not to repeat

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

Welcome to
The church of what's happening now
Head straight through
It costs nothing but change

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

THE GENIUS OF GOD Part 12

2006-10-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

WWJD: WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

I ask myself that on a daily basis. Whenever I am feeling sore at someone, sad or edgy in general, I check myself and try and act as Jesus would. What I am thinking in my own head is one thing, but how I act towards others should be a completely different story all together. Unless of course, I'm thinking happy thoughts.

Sometimes it is super hard though. Sometimes I have a hard time letting go of stuff people do to me or smiling with joy through my stress or flashing someone a grin when I'm so sad inside. Working in customer service it is vital to my employment that I shut myself off inside and fill the void with every possible loving thing I can so that we don't lose customers.

I'm real lucky to work with the ladies I do because over the months we've all been able to learn how to be honest and sensitive with and towards each other. However, there is one person on the job that just lives in his own world.

He's not really all together "normal," and I know that I should be patient and kind with him because of that. However, I have serious moral issues with him over some things that he has done (In his private life - that he decides to share with us at work) and he's really downright rude sometimes. He's hard to work with and I thank God he works in the warehouse usually.

Today I was especially edgy for the same reasons I am ever edgy - my poor eating habits, my stupid menstruation problems and stress over my brother - so I think I might have been super sensitive.

Let me set the stage: A man came in and asked me for directions. I had a customer so I asked the gentleman to please wait and I'd be happy to help him figure out where he was going. We'll call my customer Dave. I made Dave a smoothie and in the process of that another customer - we'll call Steve - came in for some beans. I know these customers, I know what they want, I know them almost personally because I see them every single day.

The guy I work with (We'll call him Mr. Jerk) doesn't know anyone. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know anything about me or my relationship with my customers. Yet, he likes to think he knows it all.

So Dave wanted some beans as well and Mr. Jerk was getting Steve his beans.

"Why don't you help the other customer (He's referring to the guy who was awaiting some directions) to keep the line going."

"He's not a customer. I need to get Dave his beans, he's a busy man." I reach for the cabinet the requested beans were in.

"I'll do it! Help the other guy!"

"Mr. Jerk, he's not a customer, please move so I can get Dave his beans."

He stepped aside and I moved his bin over to make room on the counter to pull another bin out of the cabinet. THEN he turned around and pushed the bin over into me, causing the beans to spill out of the bin and all over the floor. My blood pressure immediately shot up. I could feel my face getting red-hot.

"Don't do that!" He whined.

"GET OUT OF MY WAY Mr. JERK!"

While we were helping our respective customers, the dude looking for directions figured it wasn't worth waiting around and left. "Did we lose that customer?" Mr. Jerk says stupidly.

"HE WASN'T A CUSTOMER!"

Mr. Jerk walks out the front door and says snidely, "Oh yeah? Who was he then?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" But I don't think he heard me.

I think Mr. Jerk smoked too much crack and doesn't realize he needs medication or something. He doesn't pay attention to anyone, he doesn't do what he's told, he back talks everyone (Including the owner of the company and the manager), he flakes on work almost every day - sauntering in whenever he feels like it. He does whatever he wants and everyone kisses his ass. I don't get it. I don't know what is going on.

He certainly does not know what is going on. He tries to overcompensate for his stupidity by acting like he knows everything - rather than trying to just learn the ropes on how we run things.

So during the day I spent five minutes crying in the bathroom while I cleaned the toilet, five minutes crying to one of the girls I work with (I love you Stormy!) and the rest of the day either totally fuming or praying to God to take my anger away and help me to be more like Christ.

God wants us to conform to the image of Christ. In order for me to be more like Him I have to grow in my knowledge of Him. Which means I seriously need to take a break from reading anything until I'm finished with the Bible. And then I need to pile on the studies.

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." - Ephesians 4:14-16

I need to treat people like Mr. Jerk with love. I need to be an example for Christ. I need to allow Christ to teach me patience. I want desperately to know that people take me for granted (Or try to take advantage of me) and still have the love of Christ in my heart when I look at them.

Not only does it make people happy when you treat them as Christ would (Even if they have no idea that God is in charge!) but it makes YOU happy! I feel so at peace and full of so much love when I allow Christ to work His magic.

"Therefore, dear friends, since you already know this, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of lawless men and fall from your secure position. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." -2 Peter 3:17-18

I know I am so behind...

2006-10-29T21:53:00.000-08:00

...But like John Lennon said, "Life happens while you're busy making other plans," or something like that. I have been pooped. I went to the doctor over a week ago who told me briskly and severely that I had a sinus/ear/throat infection. He gave me antibiotics - but only enough for five days. Then I find out (After he told me he was giving me something "Strong, to knock this out," as I am allergic to like everything) that the antibiotic he gave me was like the worst in the world: Keflex.

So, I think I feel a little better, I mean, I don't feel like I just jumped into a pool of water without plugging my nose and my head doesn't hurt nearly as much. I think I have hay fever on top of it so I won't know how I feel until the winds die down. It is so weird, once I am done with work and there is no need for me to have energy - I totally just run out of batteries. BUT - I haven't been just coming home and napping. I've been reading and taking my brother and mother on errands and going to concerts and walking downtown to take pictures and cleaning and doing laundry and all that stuff. Yet, I feel like I've accomplished NOTHING.

My apartment is a mess again, I have nothing clean to wear (No underwear tomorrow!)I haven't seen my dog in two days and I totally flaked on cutting my mom's hair. On the plus side, I finally spent some *quality* time with my husband...Something we haven't, um *cough* ahem, done in quite a while.

I saw a few movies too, The Science of Sleep - excellently hilarious - and The Prestige - excellently twisted and fabulous. Twisted in a "Are you watching carefully," and subtle way as opposed to a gratuitous sex and gruesome torture way.

I've got some new pictures...If you want to check them out click on my Flickr link in the sidebar(But don't expect to see all of them, I don't have the pro account so it only shows my 200 most recent uploads). Of course, I only uploaded like twenty recently. So don't worry, you won't be there all day. Or just like, don't look. See if I care.

Anyhoo, my brother Jason is going in for ANOTHER surgery tomorrow (We're like pros by now, dude) to correct the mistakes they made in the last one. I also have to work, get kitty medicine, visit my friend Shea who is in town to see a show her stepson is working on, and be at the hospital the rest of the night so it isn't likely you'll get a post (Hopefully Part 12!) until Tuesday.

(And SOME people like to pretend that I don't do ANYTHING but sleep.)

I pray tonight that my brother's surgery goes smoothly and successfully. I pray that we all realize the blessings we have and try not to feel too sorry for ourselves. Life is hard, but sometimes, others have it much harder. Please Lord, hold Jason tight and let him feel Jesus' love. He really needs it right now.

THE ONLY POLITICAL POST YOU'LL GET FROM ME

2006-10-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

People try to involve me in passionate political conversations. Their hearts bleed about President Bush or how we should let illegal aliens stay because they are doing all the work we lazy white folk don't want to do or they're ranting about Walmart's Chinese sweat shops employing five-year-olds to do their dirty work. I get people yelling at me about how "If you're going to move to this country you should learn English," as if I was the sole person responsible for the lack of literacy in America - or as if I was the one who put mayonnaise on their cheeseburger at Jack in the Box when they asked for lettuce.

I smile and nod as if in agreement, all the while willing them to just go away. To some I'm a liberal Jew - to others I'm a conservative Christian. I bet even some think I'm a member of the Green party. To be perfectly honest, I play on all the teams and yet I have a team all on my own. Really, I don't "believe in" politics. That isn't to say that I don't think it really exists, I mean I have no faith in it. I ride the fence on most situations and that isn't because I'm complacent - but I am indecisive. I find myself more often than not finding good points in all aspects of a predicament as well as their solutions (Or lack thereof). For me, there is no black and white when it comes to politics and so therefore I cannot and I will not (That is to say I refuse to) pick a side. I'd be a horrible juror too.

Now what I'm about to say might really annoy and flat out piss some of you off. I am truly sorry for that and I ask that if you chose to reply to this post to do so with the love of Christ in your hearts. I've been thinking more and more how the feminists royally screwed up, and I'm trying not to become bitter over it. Because of them I have to work a full-time job, worry about foreign policy, clean my home, cook for my family and still find time to keep myself beautiful. Women who juggle these tasks with grace I solute you. I don't even want to pretend that I care enough to acquire such grand accomplishments.

I wish I didn't have the right to vote because now that I do I feel like it is somehow my duty to do so. When in all honesty, I care more about what I'm cooking for dinner tomorrow night than who is going to be the next president (Or for that matter the next governor of CA). I think that whatever happens is God's will and me getting all worked up over whether or not the flu vaccine is really a government form of mind control is an exercise in futility.

Sure, there are some things that seriously need to be addressed. Like senior abuse, drugs and gangs. But I don't think the decisions to be made in regards to them have to be according to partisan politics. I think one person can make more of a difference volunteering at a homeless shelter in the time it takes for politicians to pull their thumbs out of their asses and come to an agreement.

So what do I believe in? I believe in family and friends. I believe in worrying more about what is going on in your own home before you poke your nose in your neighbor's door. I believe in the Mafia - without all the violence and theft. What I mean when I say that is this: I think if people focused more on their families and what is happening in their immediate life and give their lives to Christ the world wouldn't need politics. Every problem in the world stems from ignorance, apathy and a lack of some good ole' fashioned Christ. The cure for AIDS begins in the home. The solution to gangs is in the hands of the parents. Abortion can be eradicated by instilling the fear of the Almighty.

It is funny to think that I have written this post, given where I stood a year ago. I guess this post could go along with my last entry about God changing my perspective.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I have no problem if other women want to vote. If they think they can make a difference with their opinion, who am I to come crashing down on their parade? I just don't want people looking at me like I'm jaded because I don't think my voice should count. Not in this matter.

So when should my voice count? When someone is forcing their sexual will upon me - my voice should count. When I'm having a disagreement with my husband - my voice should count. When my mother doesn't want to quit smoking - my voice should count. My voice should count among my friends, in regards to my family...To my future children.

Men have been in charge of the world for centuries. I can't say that it has gotten any better since women tried to get their power back. I say, let the guys have it. At least that way if the whole thing falls apart we aren't to blame again.

(My husband always jokes that there should be a box on ballots to check that say "None of the Above." I think that's genius.)

THE GENIUS OF GOD Part 11

2006-10-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

GOD GIVES YOU THE STRENGTH TO OVERCOME LIFE-CONTROLLING ISSUES

I have said before, I'm a control freak. I'm not so freaky these days, but man do I like me some control. I need to know I can fix things if they go wrong. I like to feel like I know what I'm doing at all times. I hate that feeling of being up against something and knowing that you are gonna lose it. Or at least think you know. Maybe that is why I am so obsessed with control...Because I rarely have it.

There have been a few things in my life that were so out of my control they literally tormented me. I used to worry about my family so much that I couldn't sleep at night. Everything ate me up inside. I had to finally pray to God to take that away from me before I crumbled.

I know I've spent a lot of time talking to people about my sister. Everytime I do it I feel terrible because I know in my heart the dangers of gossip. Not only does it pose a potential threat to someone's feelings, but makes God unhappy. And it generally makes one look like a big-mouth. Especially if the things you are saying are said out of negativity.

The truth is, I love my sister. I love her so much it makes me feel all full inside and I fear I might explode. When I see her I hug her so hard it brings tears to my eyes and it makes her think I'm weird, I'm sure. I remember her as a child, so sensitive and loving. She wanted to be acknowledged, accepted and loved.

She was constantly pushed away by everyone she cared about. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, our mother was depressed and also an alcoholic. I was always annoyed with her for one reason or another, often hitting her or pushing her around - I was emotionally distant, if not down right mean most of the time. She loved me so much. She followed me around everywhere. She looked up to me. We had a closeness and I cared about her deeply but I was so dang mean to her.

I was eleven years old when I was sent to live with my foster family (My sister's aunt and uncle) up north. I think it was really hard on my sister because I was the only one she could really talk to and I was basically abandoning her. My mother and my sister's dad separated when I was fifteen (I was still living up north), my mom basically lost her mind for a while. For a whole year my sister had to live with her dad and his new wife (Who was married to him illegally seeing as he never divorced my mother) and watched him drink and abuse her two new stepsisters. He horribly verbally abused my sister as well.

When I was sixteen my mother allowed me to move back home and my sister had moved in and my brother was there and we thought we were all going to have one big happy family. I tried to make up for all the lost time and all those years of how I treated her by spending as much time with her as possible. I hung out with her and her friends all the time. I didn't know anyone myself and I was kind of lonely.

It is totally embarassing to write this, because when I look back on what I did I feel so ashamed and just plain ridiculous. Like, WHO does that? What an idiot I was! I was sixteen and my sister was tweleve and I did drugs with her. I was a horrible role model. Some person to look up to. She was already doing them before I did, but I encouraged it by doing it too.

It started with pot and moved on to acid and speed and we drank and smoked cigarettes and just partied constantly. Years later, when I had moved out finally God hit me in the head with a cosmic brick and I snapped to. I quit the hard stuff and vowed that I would live by example. I stopped taking her out to party. I stopped coming over to get high. I turned her down whenever she offered a line. I always tried to make it plain and clear that I was done with that stuff, that it was bad for us and I wish she'd give it up too.

We had gone through so much in those seven years or so after I moved back home. We were close. Like closer than best friends in third grade. We had each others backs. A lot of crazy shit went down and we were there together through it all. And of course there was the incident with the phone.

After I quit partying, we drifted apart. It started slowly at first and then the more self-righteous I got, the more judgmental I became, the more I pointed my finger and told her how to live her life - the further she slipped away. The further she lost herself. Eventually we didn't even speak to each other. She hated me and I tore my hair out over the life she was living.

I felt so helpless. She wouldn't listen to me and I didn't know how to talk to her. We had become two totally different people who no longer related on any level.

I blamed myself for so long. The guilt was unbearable. I prayed and prayed to God to take away the guilt. To let me put it all in His hands and do with her what He wanted. I prayed to Him to show me how to talk to her. To make her love me again. To show her that I am still behind her, that I love her and believe in her.

I don't think anyone believes in her. But she's so smart, she has so much potential. She's funny and cunning and she has such a big heart. But she's so lost. See, it is obvious that some of that pain is still there and Lord knows it will probably be there the rest of my life. I mean, that's what love does. It sticks. No matter what.

Jesus made a huge difference, though. He helped me rid myself of one more knot in my gut when I was able to let her go. I no longer tell her what to do, I no longer act like a know-it-all around her. I know her moods and I stear clear when I sense trouble and when I can, I show her all the love I have. It isn't much as we don't see each other that often and I'm looking for the conviction in my heart to ask her to go to church with me one day! ;-) That would be a step, wouldn't it?

By and by the good Lord has given me the strength to over-come the passionate desire I had to control what she did, how she lived her life, how she made me feel. It is useless to put oneself in a situation like that. I wasn't making right by anyone, I was simply killing myself with futility. Thank the Lord for His guidence. I don't know what I'd do without it.