Thoughts. Observations. Space Diapers.

Well, that was fast...

2009-09-19T22:23:00.002-06:00

So my lack of posting was due to an opportunity I was given to work a 5-6 week project which involved the processing of payments of the Cash for Clunkers rebate checks to car dealerships.

Over 580,000 cars were sold in the 6 weeks Cash for Clunkers was active, each giving a $3500 or $4500 rebate for their old school beat up 18mpg or less vehicles for a chance to drive away in a newer, more fuel efficient automobile.

I started on the 4th of September, working from 11pm to 7am each and every night/morning only to come home and sleep for an hour - get the kids to school, sleep another 3-4 hours, and spend the rest of the day in a hungover stupor, waiting for the time for me to leave again.

Much like government jobs, I sat there without a way to work - no computer - no login - no anything.

1 day. 2 days. 3 days. 4. Still. Just sitting there, watching movies on my Creative Zen MP3 player (I'll pimp out the brand - I love it) and waiting for the time to leave.

5 days. 6 days. 7 days. Wait.. what's this? A login? I can work?! HOORAY!

I process 25 rebate checks before my shift ends.

Day 7. I process about 20 rebate checks before heading out at 4am to get some sleep before church at 9am.

Day 8. Well...

At 8:30pm, while spending some family time together, I get a call from some random area code.

"Thank you for your participation in assisting the Cash for Clunkers program. Due to your diligence, our processing is complete. Please submit your time sheets for payment on Friday."

Fastest 5-6 week project ever! Out of 580,000 rebates, I've processed about 45 and sat around in a cubicle for a week.

Nice.

But, I'm unemployed again. Well, I'm a stay at home dad. For now, we're trying the one income thing so I can take care of the kids before and after school and I can officially start my gym stuff.

Heather is helping the wifey and I get on a program for eating and exercise to build our metabolism, and the gym awaits Monday.

I'll be doing podcasts soon as well, which excites me.

As for the comedy writing, I've got three one man shows up my sleeve which split three different parts of my life. One of which I'm super excited about.

More later!
Reece's Peace!

Writing Comedy Is Hard

2009-09-02T19:29:00.002-06:00

My entire life, I've been known as a punster. The one who can deliver a one-line punch to make any serious situation into a laugh. I'm sure I've got hundreds of liners from stories over the years that would be great to use on stage.

However, I've got a pretty nasty case of memory loss. Even an hour after a joke (and we're talking a GREAT joke, I can't remember it at all. A one time use. Disposable comedy. Le sigh.

It's times like this that I wish I could just hang out with some old school friends, get blitzed, and see what oozes from the bowels of my soul. Those were some fun times.

But, sober comedy is quite the obstacle. How to do it, how to do it? Hmm...

I want to do some five minute open mic nights, but my goal is to set up a 75-90 minute one man comedy show. Not necessarily a 'set,' but rather a multi-arc show with a story. A semi-autobiographical piece involving my work history (I've worked for 490 of the Fortune 500) and some antics from my youth would fill the story.

If you've ever seen John Leguizamo's Broadway shows, you know exactly what I want to do.

For my friends out there, can you help me out with some funny stories from our past that maybe I don't remember (or maybe I do, but it's in the back of my brain.)

Thank so much for your support and help throughout this transition. Finances have been a little hectic for us, so I'm trying to do whatever I can to get this (and everything else) going.

Your loving Llama.
Randall Funk

A New Life...

2009-08-26T20:20:00.003-06:00

All right ladies and gentlemen, the changes I've wanted to start making in my life:

This is it.

Today, I began an exercise program with healthier eating to take off the pounds a bit more dramatically than what I've done before.

But that's not all, my friends.

Oh no!

In this blog, I will admit that for the past 4 weeks, I've been lying and covering up a secret as to not worry anyone about me or my family.

On July 16, United First Financial had made the decision to slash 25% of its workforce, and I was one of the 35 to be laid off.

Fortunately, Char and I have worked very hard to reduce our debt ratio. In fact, we are one credit card away from having only our car payments and the typical monthly bills.

With my new found freedom, I have decided to take it upon myself to become dedicated to fitness, but I've also decided to follow my dream.

I'm currently writing material to become a stand up comedian, and will be working to create film shorts once I get a little technical know how. If anyone is interested in joining me in the writing, producing, etc - feel free to let me know.

These are the things I should have accomplished years ago. Thanks to all for your support and love.

I look forward to filling you all in soon.

Plus --- I'll be updating my other blog Too Fat For Emo on a regular basis as well.

And finally, if you have any knowledge of work opportunities that allow telecommuting, please let me know as well. Especially something like data entry that can be done at any time of the day -- let me know!

Thanks again for the love, everyone. I can't wait to let you guys know what's happening next.

Since there's already an entertainer by the name of Jason Randall, I may go on as Jay Randall... or I might just use RandallFunk as a stage name. Not sure yet. Also need a little input on this as well.

I'll let you all know when I'll begin doing Open Mic nights at Wiseguy's Comedy Club at their Trolley Square location in Salt Lake City.

No kids = Lots o' Fun

2009-07-15T08:44:00.002-06:00

On Monday morning at 8:41, our two little ones boarded a plane, headed for Sacramento, CA to spend 28 days with their grandma before school starts.

It provides a break for them from us, and us from them.

So Char and I have taken this opportunity to be creatures of the underworld and have spent every waking moment away from the house this week.

Monday night, we did a simple dinner and a movie combination.

Last night, we went to Wiseguy's Comedy Club in Salt Lake City's Trolley Square location for City Weekly night. 7 top notch local performers; 1 bombed. I'd feel sorry for the guy if it wasn't for the fact that his material not only blew, but was completely racist.

The other 7 guys/gals were awesome. One comic even predicted that I'd get 'lucky' last night. Good thing she has a day job.

Anyway, tonight *might* be Transformers 2, but we've not decided.

Tomorrow is ComedySportz's Yellow #2 show (a long form improvisation comedy show)

Friday, we're planning to see Harry Potter.

Saturday is the Farmer's Market in the morning, and a day to play.

We're starting back at the gym next week after we've had some fun, which will be nice - but we'll still be going out and doing lots o stuff.

All you locals, if you wanna hang with me and the wifey, let me know. Anyone is welcome to come with us to anything we're doing.

Laters!

99 Red Balloons... and 2600 Yellowjackets

2009-07-07T08:45:00.003-06:00

Utah is an interesting girl. While everyone else is burning up, Utah is cold, shivering in its 48 degree average in June 2009. Utah is that coworker that wears a blanket, even when its 90 degrees in the office. The homeless guy that always wears sweatpants and that big Lugz jacket he found outside the Burlington Coat Factory.

Anyway, it finally warmed up last week after a seven month winter and a six week spring. Last week, it hit the 90's and has continued to maintain this temperature. So, in the fashion of summer, we set up a pool (a BIG one.. awws yeah!) and had a big family barbecue this weekend.

On Saturday, my mother in law decided to walk up to the top of our deck and take some photos of the awesome mountain views that we have in our back yard. She swatted away a few yellowjackets thinking they were just on the prowl for pollen.

That was, until she walked down the stairs and noticed several nests hidden under the railing.

As we did a thorough inspection, we found a HUGE paper wasp nest that wasn't there a week prior. Being the adventurer, I found a huge metal can and filled it with poison. We sprayed the nests and watched the bugs fall to their death.

But those that lived... oh... those that lived...

ATTACK!

My bro in law and myself ran inside and closed the screen. Looking at the screen 5 minutes later, there were 5 - 10 just sitting there... waiting.

They had us surrounded. Like the police - except there were no negotiators.

Fortunately it was at night. Unfortunately, we forgot to turn off all the flood lights, cover the pool, or get our shoes from the porch.

Two hours later, I had to get my 7 year old daughter to climb through the second story window to turn the switch to the deck lights off.

The next day, we decided to call the pros. My wife, having learned from me - found a great little extermination company that we chose based on price, but moreso by name.

AWESOME Pest Control.

I'd hire them solely on name alone.

Anyway, during their thorough spray - they found 54 hives, each harboring about 50 yellowjackets.

That's 2600 yellowjackets roughly.

And they be dead. Like TuPac. Mostly because I know they'll be back in 6 months, with an all new album, and it won't be nearly as good as their last album, but millions will follow.

So now, ladies and gents.... pool party anyone?

Thanks, JP Morgan, You've 'Chase'd Another Customer Away

2009-06-16T20:07:00.003-06:00

Many have said that corporate mergers are never a good thing. However, I'm an optimist, and sometimes a merger is just a merger. And sometimes, the devil himself has mediated between the two, while one gains vast power and the other fades away as their soul is taken from their already cold bodies.

In this case, it would appear the devil is the government, the corpse is Washington Mutual, and the all powerful entity is JP Morgan Chase.

I've been a fan of Washington Mutual since 1998. Back then, the idea of having a VISA check card was the 'ooh' and 'ahh' like the iPhone was in 2007. And Washington Mutual was one of the few exclusive providers (when asking my hometown bank about Check Cards, they explained to me how an ATM card works - because they had never heard of VISA check cards).

Back then, I could get free checks, online bill pay, and all the other features that banks are just now advertising, but they were doing it 11 years ago. Plus, Washington Mutual was the only bank that (at the time) would allow you to remove increments of $5.00 from the ATM.

Along with their cheerful attitudes, I also enjoyed their bank set up. No counter. No glass. Simply several kiosks in the lobby. As a customer, you can walk all the way around to where the clerk is standing.

No security issues. I felt trusted, and that made me feel valued.

Then October 2008 came.

In October, articles everywhere are posting "Washington Mutual Fails" as the Government decided within a few minutes that this bank will be consumed by JP Morgan Chase.

Why Chase? Why not another bank? How was this government decision made so quickly, and yet other minor decisions take months if not years to litigate.

Either way, Chase had won, adding thousands of new locations, as hundreds of thousands of customers sat wondering, 'What happens now?'

I don't know what's happening to everyone else, but this is what's happening to me:

Our WaMu account was opened in Southern California, though we live in Utah. This has never been a problem before. Why would it be? In this day and age, I should be able to withdraw funds from Timbuktu without a problem.

Then Chase got involved.

My landlord also has a Washington Mutual account. Hers of course is a Utah account. Once again - shouldn't matter. That is until we get a phone call.

"Hi, I just tried to deposit your check and because your WaMu account is in California, the Utah location won't accept your check."

Wait - what?

So with annoyance, we got a cashier's check and mailed it to her.

And we've been doing that for three months.

But then, last week, this happened:

"Unfortunately, since your bank account is located in California, I'll have to call corporate for approval."

Despite having the money in the bank, I can't withdraw with them calling someone for an access code.

Once we got the approval, the cashier's check was mailed to our landlord. The funds appeared to have been pending withdrawal from our account.

That was 10 days ago. The funds are still in our account. And we've received a notice of an overdraft, though we had more than twice the amount of the cashier's check in our account. Fortunately, they never charged us a fee.

On Saturday, we deposited a check for $500 into our account. Once again "unfortunately, because you have a California account and live in Utah, this check may take 3-5 business days before it posts into your account.'

Finally, we ask "So, since Chase claims that we WaMu customers can go to any bank now to do any business, when is it going to allow us dirty California customers to get our money without issues here in Utah?"

"According to the information we have, California will be input into the Chase system sometime in October."

I think we've had enough. Since the Chase takeover, we've had nothing but problems.

At first we thought it was just the Chase Credit Card that was terrible (the wife had one and she paid for payment protection if she ever lost her job... once laid off, they told her there was no option and they charged us hundreds in late fees)

Not only that, remember above when I mentioned those cool kiosks in the lobby that made you feel all warm and cozy?

Yeah... those were taken out last week. Now there's a counter. With glass. And even the kid toys were taken away.

Congrats, JP Morgan, you have successfully 'Chase'd away another customer.

They say Washington Mutual failed. I disagree. Chase, you've failed me.

GOP Stuggles to Rename Dems 'Socialists'

2009-05-20T11:17:00.002-06:00

In other news, Democrats have unanimously renamed the Republican committee assigned to this task as "Douchebags."

Seriously... THIS is what we pay our government to do?

From: The Associate Press:

GOP struggles with push to rename Dems 'Socialist'
By BEN EVANS

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican Party leaders are trying to avoid a public confrontation over a GOP-led effort to rename the Democratic Party the "Socialist Democrat" party.

The Republican National Committee is slated to vote on several resolutions Wednesday. Leaders already have softened one that would have pointedly criticized Republicans who supported recent billion-dollar bailouts.

Party Chairman Michael Steele and others say the party should also drop the renaming resolution and focus on more serious problems. To avoid a party dispute over the renaming, Republicans were trying to compromise on milder language that would simply criticize Democrats for what they call socialist tendencies.

Some party leaders described the initial resolution as "stupid" and "absurd."

Jeff Kent, a Washington state Republican who helped spearhead the effort, declined to comment on a potential compromise, saying he is still working to pass the resolution.

Henry Barbour, a committeeman from Mississippi who chairs the panel that will decide which resolutions go to the full caucus, said he didn't want to comment until after the committee votes late Wednesday afternoon.

The fight reflects a divide between Republicans who want a more centrist message and party hardliners.

Copyright © 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved

Happy Mother Lover's Day

2009-05-10T13:55:00.001-06:00

Of Wisdom Teeth and Drunk Driving

2009-05-03T09:58:00.002-06:00

At 29, one would have assumed I'd have been smart enough to have gone to the dentist, I dunno... like once.

But when you think Jason Randall, I know you think "he's a sexy brainiac with the eyes of a God and the butt of Thor," but even I make mistakes.

So in February, I began a series of dental appointments, with the final one on Thursday to remove my wisdom teeth. I was to be sedated with these 2 pills, along with the laughing gas and the Novocaine for the procedure.

My primary frustration with my dental appointments is the lack of communication. Seriously, if you have to refill the needle 7 times and you inject me in 17 places - I think I should be told about it to prepare myself.

I wish that was an exaggeration, but I counted.. while shaking, while gripping the chair, while trying to hold back a tear or seven.

It was then they got to work. I woke up several times, and felt the removal of three of four teeth. I felt them using my jawbone as leverage. I also saw the curved needle they used while sewing me up.

But it wasn't until the procedure was over that the fun started.

I had a prescription to fill, so we went shopping. And I handled the cart.

VROOOOOM! At lightning speed, I ran aisle after aisle, running into garbage cans and displays. I think I ran over a kid or two. I bought stuff I'd usually not buy, and I freaked out quite a few people.

How, you ask?

Apparently, gaping holes in the back of your mouth make you bleed by the gallon, and when you're standing in the parking lot with your mouth wide open, drugged up beyond all recognition, people tend to stare as the blood pool gets larger and larger.

Fortunately, I have a wife who loves me enough to shove me in the car and put more gauze in my mouth to clamp down on.

When we finally get home, Char forces me to sit down as I've been holding a bag under my mouth for over an hour trying to reduce the blood spillage.

Seriously, it was like a Bruce Campbell movie.

Once the drugs kicked in, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning with a tennis ball lump on my cheek and a Gorbachev bruise on my neck.

Oddly enough, I'm mostly pain free. However, I'm reduced to watered down soups and puddings for the next 5 days.

I can't complain, however. Pudding is the awesome.

So that's my weekend. How's yours?

Home Sweet... Jesus?

2009-04-30T10:17:00.003-06:00

Thanks Florida, for reminding me of home.

Sheesh!

Okay, so a lot has happened..

2009-04-28T12:28:00.003-06:00

Today, I decided to take a look at the ole blog. Dust her off. Let it breathe a little.

So two months ago, I wrote a little entry. Why the lack of posts, you ask? For starters, we went without internet for about a month.

And why would I take the very drug from my vein cold turkey like that? Easy.

We moved - to a deluxe apartment.. no - HOUSE in the sky!

Only 3.3 miles from our former location at the Amiron Condos in Orem, a house sat there. Longing. Waiting. Begging for a little love and affection. Of course, we didn't know that at the time... but our property management did.

This property has been on our property manager's 'to do' list for over a year. Basically, the home was a vacation spot for a doctor from Minnesota who comes to hike and ski each year.

Three weeks a year.

Wouldn't YOU like to own a house that stays vacant the other 49 weeks?

So, the owners live in London, and cannot travel for 2-3 years due to some medical issues, and they've decided to rent their home for a low price to a family willing to do the upkeep.

The Condos at Amiron weren't too shabby. We had a three bedroom, 1250 square foot condo which we were able to paint to fit our modernesque style from its former flower power wallpaper scheme.

A year and a half we laid our head, and enjoyed most of it. But the space we had just seemed to get smaller and smaller.

Then - February came.

We sent an email to our property manager asking if she knew of other locations which we could hang our hat with a little more wiggle room...

And boy did she come through.

Our new home in the Pleasant Grove portion of Utah's Happy Valley is located just two houses from the mountainside.

We went from 1250 square feet to almost 3,100 square feet, and for less than $100 difference a month.

Technically, we have a living room, a family room, and an entertainment room.

You know what that means?

Constant. Social. Gatherings.

Once we're unpacked, I'll add photos, and we'll have a housewarming.

Along with movie nights and game nights, I've got a few ideas in store:

Dude Night/Chick Night is one of many ideas I'm bouncing in my head.

I'll keep you all posted.

Llama Kisses and Peas with Carrots,
Jason

Scared Straight

2009-02-23T19:59:00.002-07:00

At the beginning of 2008, the wifey and I made a habit of going to the gym 3-4 times a week.

We were feeling great, lookin' good and being stealth. Then life took over.

With the kids' hectic schedule, overtime followed by undertime (the layoff), and so many other factors prohibited our visits to the local sweatshop.

Prior to our gym appointments, I felt okay in regard to my health but wanted to look better and feel better.

Since the workouts ended, I've maintained a decent diet of low fat lunches, baked dinners, and oatmeal for breakfast.

But even with eating better, I'm feeling worse.

I've recently started suffering from migraines, occasional pains, and a constant need to drink lots of water.

I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment, but WebMD tells me something that I didn't want to know.

EARLY ONSET DIABETES.

I've got two words.

AH HELL NAH!

Proof that eating right means little since I eat minimal sugars and rarely max over 1600 calories with a 2 soda a month maximum.

And it's more proof that it can happen to anyone.

I recommend everyone getting tested and have a physical every year.

I'm going back to the gym, pronto.

Anyone who wants to join me, feel free. The more the merrier.

Give Michael Phelps a Break, People

2009-02-08T22:08:00.001-07:00

State Taxes aka Whu?!

2009-02-04T21:37:00.002-07:00

So last year, we got a refund from Utah. Albeit a mere $15. Course, we only lived in the state for 2 1/2 months.

However, I'm confused by state taxes as there are minimal options when filing your W4 at work.

I add $20 every check for taxes, not only to ensure I pay enough, but that I get a slight advantage in my return.

Last year, we filed our W4s exactly the same as we always have, and never had any issues.

This time, we do our taxes: Char and I owe $530 to Utah.

How does that compute? I file 0 dependents while she uses the 2 for the kids. Nothing more.

And is there a way to modify this so it doesn't happen next year?

Help, my peeps!

Inspiration. He haz (and gaves) it.

2009-01-20T20:09:00.002-07:00

Probably the most inspirational speech I've heard in ages.

Here is the full text of President Barack H. Obama's inauguration speech. The words are strong, and I pray the actions of the next four years will be just as strong.

For if so, a brighter America will rise from the shadows. The great America we all know not only exists, but shines like the star it is.

Even if you disagree with who our elected president is, I ask that you support him in this transition, for no one should be criticized for a job they've not had the opportunity to take on.

And now, the inauguration speech:

- - - -

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

I'm seriously rethinking that veggie burger with mixed vegetables....

2009-01-15T08:39:00.003-07:00

For those who follow my Twitter posts and occasional entry here know that though not a fan of reality television, I do enjoy 'The Biggest Loser' quite a bit.

Now that the new season is underway, it makes me think of what brought these people to campus on the Biggest Loser.

When they show clips of their tryout videos, you see them scarfing down ice cream and Cheeto's like nothing. But I wonder... was that real or to simply gorge to be nominated? A staging?

I ask because in my past, I was a glutton.

Back in my teen years, I could eat two double quarter pounders with cheese, super sized fries, a large soda, and two apple pies at a sitting in McDonalds.

I could eat 12 tacos at Taco Bell without flinching.

I've eaten a large pizza with a full size bag of chips and a 44 ounce soda as a standard dinner.

Okay, so I can't do those things anymore. And you know, I haven't in YEARS.

Now in my late twenties, I'm fighting to eat healthier and have for the last 5 years. No longer can I eat even close to what was above. I don't even try.

Maybe 3-4 times a year will I have pizza, and even those are just a few slices. I don't frequent fast food places, and I've even taken the plunge into eating salads when we go out.

I've been doing this since I was 25. I'm now 29. And I'm currently at the heaviest point that I've ever been at.

How is this possible?

All the veggie burger replacements - the salads instead of the country fried steak and potatoes smothered in gravy -

all for not.

Eating right has caused me to gain weight, while eating badly kept me at a level weight for over 10 years.

I'm seriously ready to chuck the spinach and ground turkey and pick up a deep fried Snickers.

Grrrrrrrrr.........

Congrats Jesse and Shauna!

2009-01-14T09:21:00.002-07:00

I can't wait to see what this Red headed Italian bearded baby is REALLY gonna look like!

And since it's a baby, I won't shout W00T!

Instead, I will should Wooties! Like Booties!

Unky Jason is gonna teach this kid RIGHT! Provided a restraining order isn't in place prior to said 'teaching.'

Am I the Only One Who Thinks Blue Ray Is a Bad Idea?

2009-01-11T13:35:00.001-07:00

So I've never been one for being on top of the latest gadgets, nor do I have an issue with keeping up with the Jones's.

However, I was at a local big box Warehouse store when I stopped to notice the flat screen 72 inch television connected to a Sony Blue Ray player. On it, they're playing 'Spiderman 3.'

The detail was amazing. Too amazing. So amazing, in fact, that it was less than amazing.

The scene where Harry is down after the big battle on the half-built skyscraper after the battle looked like it was filmed live with a camcorder.

You can see the background is fake and Toby MacGuire is flushed. Seriously, it looked like 'Spiderman: The Play".

Maybe the movies we've filmed aren't ready for Blue Ray. So far, only the CGI stuff looks good - the regular scenes look really amateur.

So much for the future.

Nothing to say, but most like me that way.

2009-01-06T18:30:00.002-07:00

As I make my way home on the bus, I thought it would be nice to check in and see how my fellow 3-4 readers on average are doing.

Sure, you have blogs, text messaging, Twitter, Facebook, your mom's bed post, and home phones to keep us all updated, but really.

How are you?

Talk to Big Papa Jay. I got a shoulder for you!

Therapy on a bus. I'm working with Sam Jackson to star in the film version.

Kisses.

Meet the Robisons

2009-01-03T12:23:00.002-07:00

This is something I wanted to share because I thought it was funny.

So we get home from Cali last week, and finally got around to reading the mail our neighbor (another kinder one) so graciously picked up for us.

In it, a Christmas greeting. You know the type. The panoramic with the family photo wishing you and yours a happy holiday.

This one was more special than the rest I've received this year. Not because they are closer friends, or that their card had that 'oh so oomphy' Christmas spirit.

It's that this family from Spokane, Washington sent me a Christmas greeting not having any idea who I am.

The envelope was mailed to Jason and Abby Randall. It would seem that this would be either a mistake, or a Christmas card from the future, in which Char has finally realized I'm a goof, and I've tortured another victim into slavery...err..matrimony.

I'm keeping the evidence just in case there is a time/space rift.

But Casey, Jenifer, Brantley, and Alexia Robison, Happy Belated Holidays.... and I'll see you in the future.

I really hate my neighborhood sometimes...

2008-12-28T21:31:00.002-07:00

Living in a community filled with housewives with nothing better to do when their kids are in school but to demonize the other kids in the neighborhood. (By the way, I appreciate the hard work of stay at home moms, but when they're gone 8 hours a day, shouldn't that be the point you consider a job?)

I'm not gonna lie. My son isn't the best with rejection. When picked on, he uses his fists over his words, and we're working on those issues.

But the last two months, with the exception of one or two minor incidents (as kids will be kids) he's been SUPER GOOD.

So when we get home from our 10 day trip to Southern California to visit Char's family for Christmas, our neighbor tells us that another neighbor is mad at our kid for something he did to their kid last Friday before Christmas break.

Funny.... We left for California on THURSDAY - and the kids didn't go to school on Thursday (we left at noon).

Yet somehow the neighborhood snitch seems to think this truly happened... despite us being 518 miles.

I haaaaaaaate the moms in this neighborhood.

By the by, I've no problems saying when/if my kids have an issue with something. Moms that think their kids are perfect 24/7 are drinking too much Flav-O-Rite (the phrase is Kool-Aid, but those cult kids didn't actually drink Kool-Aid..Anywho...)

Hey Jane, get me off of this crazy thing.... called spying.

Alcoholics Have All The Fun...

2008-12-12T15:23:00.002-07:00

So I'm looking in catalogs left and right to complete shopping for Christmas, and what do I see?

Super COOL stuff for people who drink!

Don't get me wrong, I've oft enjoyed the design of a martini glass, and some of the bottles that package your flavor of choice are pretty creative.

Here are a few things that I'd totally love to use on a daily basis:

1. Jagermeister Tap (Retail $299.99)

I am a fan of cold water. Like really cold. I'm one of those freaks who likes the taste of ice water after brushing my teeth in a snowstorm.

This machine will make any shot served at a perfect 0 degrees. Cool for alcohol, lame for water - since the pipes would freeze before the first droplet hit your glass.

But MAN! Do I like the idea of hooking up Kool-Aid and having instant slushees.

2. Ice Shot Glasses (Retail $10 or so)

These I might buy anyway. They're ice trays that make ice into the shape of shot glasses. Great for keeping drinks cold.

Downside of this item is they're shot glass size. Most people drink in larger increments of soda/juice than a shot of tequila.

3. Original Ring Thing ($7.99)

If only sodas still came in glass jars. Well, regular soda. I know that fancy dancy middle class stuff still suits up the glass, but c'mon mainstream soda companies, let's go retro here.

This way I can rip those metal caps off with a cool ring and look Fonz-like to the crowd.

Okay, these were the main three, but I've seen other cool stuff out there.

I gotta go start my campaign to the Jager people to convert that thing so 'virgin' drinks can be made with them as well.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Writings of a Mad Man

2008-12-11T18:17:00.003-07:00

So I found an old folder of writings in a box we'd yet to unpack in storage as pulling out the Christmas stuff.

I'd like feedback on what's there so far, especially the most recent entry regarding the novel.

The poetry stuff I don't care about. I wrote those between calls when I worked at Blue Cross Blue Shield our of boredom.

You can find them at http://www.writingsofamadman.com

Thanks!
Jason

I'm such a terrible blogger.

2008-12-06T21:56:00.002-07:00

My apologies to those three who read my blog. My real life isn't nearly as interesting as the world I make up in my head.

So for the time being, I'll ask that you occasionally check the Twitter posts on the side, and I'll work on some good entries soon.

We'll see how this pans out and maybe the interwebs will have some entertainment.

more animals

Anyone else thinking of taking off for Thanksgiving?

2008-11-21T08:32:00.003-07:00

So the wifey and I were talking, and we're debating on not going all out on making Thanksgiving dinner. After all, it's only the 4 of us. Two of us are munchkins, and then its just us two adults.

With that, I'm considering the idea of going out to dinner with the family on Thanksgiving.

Anyone know of a good place to eat in Salt Lake for Thanksgiving? Also, anyone wanna join in the festivities of doing less work?