Bailey Zimmerman

2009-10-22T14:15:00.001-04:00

We're packing our bags . . .

2009-10-22T13:13:00.008-04:00

We're packing our bags....wish us luck!!
On the first of November I'm going on my annual trip with my sister....for some R&R.
And for a dose of creativity...enough to get me through for at least a year!!
Paul will be going to the Chelsea at Montville.
He will be there from the 1st of November til the 17th of November.

If anyone is inclined to drop him a note....here is the address:

Chelsea at Montville
Attention: Paul Zimmerman room# A 123
165 Changebridge Road
Montville, NJ 07045

We've lined up Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy sessions.
Visited the Doctor to get prescriptions and let him know the details of Paul's stay.
We're making all of Paul's menu selections ahead of time.
The NY Times is being delivered....friends are all chipping in.
I've lined up Fredy to stay at the house with Jac.
Paul's frig will be loaded with extras and he'll have photos and workbooks....
I feel as if I'm getting a dorm room put together!!
I've packing everything in the house that isn't nailed down.

He's been great about taking a break!
It's me that is as nervous as hell!!
I do have to say that Mary Beth and Lorraine from the Chelsea have been heaven sent!
We have spent hours with them....going over every little detail so that Paul is comfortable and safe.
They've fallen in love with him!
His spirit and drive are so evident that it is contagious!

Now....if everyone will send a prayer and a wish for a safe trip for both of us....
we'll be on our way!!

ps...and pray like hell that someone lines up his games.......lol

PSS...Tomorrow is Paul's Birthday...the 23rd!
Shhh...he hates to celebrate....but I found an Amarone....he won't mind that much!!

American Conservative....this is a first....

2009-10-11T18:32:00.004-04:00

An old classmate of Paul's called this week and asked...
"Has Paul seen the latest edition of American Conservative"?
Hmmmmm I said...."I don't think he has ever seen any copy of American Conservative". ............. ....... ...
A G Gancarski wrote a great piece.......
and Paul was one of the few living sport's writers mentioned in a positive light!!

Autumn coming in the door

2009-10-04T13:07:00.009-04:00

We've been busy....as usual with rehab....and daily living.

It's Sunday....so that means F O O T B A L L ! !
I am not complaining....Paul is finally interested in keeping up his football schedule.
Which means I am in charge of the arrangements....food on time....newspapers in order....channels arranged.
Thank God, there is a Last-Channel-Viewed button on the remote. It makes it so much easier for Paul.
He can't figure out the numbers on the remote.

It is amazing the things that are impossible for him to do.
Simple things that he understands but can't quite get his body to perform.
He understands that the games are on 2 and 5 today....but there is no way he can find that on the remote.

The toughest aspect for him to conquer is speech.
We do the exercises over and over and over.....
mmmmmmmmmm
oooooooooooooo
dddddddddddd
doe doe doe doe doe
but he can only do them if he mimics what I do.
Most of the time he can mimic...sometimes he hits a glitch and can't make him mouth do what his brain is telling it to do.
(lol for those of you that know him well...your saying "what else is new?"
he always blurted things out without thinking.)
There are a few words that he uses...No and yah.
He is much better with NO.
He also gets the answer correct most of the time....but there are times when he says YAH and means NO. I can usually tell if he's off his mark...I ask again.
"are you sure?" He's usually surprised that he hadn't said it correctly.

We're working on gestures.
He usually starts with the "I have to go" gesture as a response for everything.
"nope wrong gesture...you just went"
He shakes it off and then tries again....and again and again.

Again and again and again and again times a million.
That is our life now.
Paul does not give up.
There is no one that can compete with his perseverance.
I'd put him up against anyone!!
Maybe there should be an Olympic competition for perseverance?

Yesterday Jonathan and Marge and MDavid drove out from the city to meet us for lunch!!
I can't believe the effort that so many make to keep in touch with Paul.
Once again Paul won the eating-the -most competition.
He also won the falling-out-of-his-chair event.
It was a soft roll...and then a soft landing. Not a big thump and his head was spared.
It did draw the attention of the rest of the diners...and I'm thankful for the assist from the big guy at the neighboring table.
I guess Paul's ass is rounder than it use to be?

Art Rooney Jr sure knows Paul....he sent chocolates.
Perfect!
Paul loves a piece of candy or two in the evening.

I'm sure you are all wondering...."is he packing on the pounds?"
No way....he is exercising non-stop, even on the days he doesn't go to rehab.
We start out the day with a round of massage...then he does some bench presses and over the head lifts.
He uses his cane as the bar.
He follows up with shoulder lifts...shrugs...etc.
Vocal & facial exercises round it off....
and that is before he has breakfast.

We are coming up to the year anniversary of Paul's first stroke....November 22nd.
November 22nd used to be the day Kennedy was assassinated....not anymore.
We've actually gotten into a good routine...and I try to remain patient....I surprise myself.
I think that it is possible to keep a better attitude because Paul is so upbeat.
We help each other.

I am planning a break in November.
I'm going with my sister...we have taken a trip every year during football season.
Last year I went with my good friend Barbara. Gail was home with her daughter.
This year we are heading out together again.
Paul is very supportive.
I am terrified...I have spent dozens of nights worrying.
"How will he get by without me?"
"Will he be safe?"
"Will he be able to make himself understood?"
When I tell him my concerns he laughs and waves them off....he doesn't want me to worry.
But I worry!
But I also really, really need a break.
I need some creative time.
This sounds nuts....but I'm actually looking forward to the flight. Sitting still and doing nothing but listening to music.
It's been months since I used my iPod.
When I am next to Paul we listen to his music and if I go into the next room I have the monitor on and I'm still listening to his music.
Really I am not bitching...so please no messages about how terribly selfish I am.
I know....I'm a selfish wench...you don't have to tell me!!

When my sister was here in August I went to several places to find just the right place for Paul to go when I am away. It was the 6th place and it felt just right.
Everyone seemed happy....and very active and supportive of each other.
Paul will have his own studio....so he'll have time alone.
He likes some solitude.
You wouldn't believe the process of getting him ready. The doctor's visits....nursing evaluation..forms...shots....TB test.....the packing......the hauling. Paul just shakes his head.
"Just put my stuff in a bag and drop me off"!!

Please wish us luck...I'll leave on the 1st of November.

Happiness...

2009-09-20T14:40:00.009-04:00

I belong to an internet group of women from around the world.
The other day one of them mentioned that they were truly happy.
I started thinking about it and realized that I am
truly happy.
I am truly loved and I know that I am capable of truly loving.
Paul is improving every day....in tiny increments.
BUT improvement is improvement.

What is happiness?

Contentment?

I can't say I'm content....that is a little too complacent for where we are now...we can't afford contentment.

But we can afford a huge dose of happiness and laughter.

Paul is downstairs watching the Jets and New England....he is wrestling with the newspapers. It's not easy with one hand....but he damn well does it...and he does it damn well!

The light from lake is dancing on my studio ceiling....and a lonesome bird is chirping to himself.

I love this quiet time of year!

Windows open...soft golden light....the slowing down of summer.

I wonder how I'll feel when fall finally kicks in?

November 22 will mark a year into this journey.

I've always adored autumn....but I wonder if it will sting?

Feels like autumn

2009-09-11T11:38:00.006-04:00

Time to break out my favorite earrings...bought them on Murano last November.

Surreal

2009-09-07T13:36:00.004-04:00

We sit at the kitchen table and read the paper.....

I read.....

Paul tries..........

I watch...

he really tries for hours to read.

This morning he looked across the table and shrugged...I knew.

I knew he can't make out the words.

I cried.

I don't know exactly why I cried.

Is it the fact that I'm pissed..."why Paul?...he loved to read and he read and read and read...why not some idiot that doesn't even bother reading?"

Do I cry because of the effort he puts into trying to read? I'm serious he tries for hours every day.

He reads football stats...newspapers...charts....TV Guides.

You name it, he still tries.

I still can't believe this is happening....it can't be real!!

Time marches on....and on.

2009-09-05T23:21:00.004-04:00

Here we are approaching 10 months....seems closer to 10 years!
The last week has been good...we keep in constant motion...somehow that seems to help.
Less time to dwell on what isn't and look closer at what is.
What is?
Humor is what is.....
Paul is constantly trying to hide things....
faking a frozen hand....
making crazy faces.
I do have to say he stopped with the seizure-faking.

The last week he has started to do something that is really wonderful...
it seems simple but it is really wonderful.
He can pretty much say "yah" and "no". It only took 10 months and thousands of hours.
It works really well at home....between us. If we are out with others and he really wants to talk....then it's less consistent.

Earlier this week Peter King called and wanted to come out with Ann on Friday to meet us for lunch. That evening Jared Bell called and also asked about lunch on Friday.
We all headed to Montville Inn.
It was great catching up with everyone and hearing some football news.
Bittersweet....
Paul is so far behind and so busy surviving rehab...he was...
geeze....not quite sure exactly how he felt.
He seems OK without his game.
But it really seems so odd to me...he adored football and all that surrounded the game.

Maybe survival leaves no room for anything else?

Paul & I went for a walk today....heard a woodpecker.
Love the hollow knocking sound.
The melancholy shadow of the arrival of fall.
My favorite time of year.....I ain't no sissy....I can handle the shadows of life.

The mystery of autumn!

Letter from Joel

2009-09-05T23:02:00.005-04:00

Hi Linda,

Sorry for not having e-mailed in some time (I was the guy from Michigan that emailed about Ann Arbor and U of M). I hope all is well with Paul and especially you. I read the blog and felt that I had to write you today.

I was moved and inspired by your words and wanted to say thank you for continuing to "share" Paul with us through your your blog. The "humaness" and raw emotion you bring to posting about your personal feelings and Paul is inspiring and refreshing.

Because of my new job, I haven't been able to keep up with reading the blog as much. Reading his memoirs made me smile, like his wit and humor always has. Also made me tear up at my desk, reminded of Paul and the amazing complexity and humor that is him. I LOVED the boring bug story, especially as the father of a precocious and articulate seven year old boy wise beyond his years. To mentally picture him on ABC invoking the Boring Bug is pricleless and a great example of how I think of Dr Z from growing up reading his articles. And wondering as a young boy what kind of Dr. he was! :)

I have also come to appreciate the IMMENSE amount of talent and gifts in your household through your phtotgraphy. Your gift to capture nature and have a simple picture emote feelings inside someone is awe inspiring.

I continue to keep you and Paul in my prayers. I really think the phrase "behind every great man, there is an even greater woman" was written with you in mind. For everyone who cares about Paul or Dr. Z. a million thanks and sincere gratitude. As always, you are Paul's rudder and compass that we as his readers have known for years.

Take care,
Joel

Joel I appreciate your kind words more than I can express..................

What a neck....

2009-09-05T20:10:00.009-04:00

Check out the neck on #51 for the Buffalo Bills, Paul Posluszny. (Second row, second from left)

Have you ever seen a neck like his?? His neck is the size of most thighs.................

Click on photo to get a real look at that neck......

I took a walk....

2009-09-01T13:41:00.005-04:00

I took a walk this morning....a very fast walk....the first exercise that
I've been able to do since February, when I brought Paul home from Kessler.
It was great!!
Here's the Jay feather I found along the way. . . .

Music and movement...

2009-08-29T15:13:00.004-04:00

It's Saturday....our day of rest!
Hey, I think I need it more than Paul.
I can hear him downstairs....stepping away on his Reebok Step.
I'll go back down in a few and then he can practice walking backwards, sideways
& in a square.
This week Aaron put him through the wringer.
He had Paul go down the lonnnnng stairway at Kessler.....down, down to the basement....and back.
The amazing part?
Paul went from step to step with one foot on each step and no cane!!
Paul has sailed past where he was prior to the seizure.
When he finished I could hear him laughing....the loudest laugh I've heard since his stroke.
I had to go around the corner to find out what was so funny. Aaron asked him
"hey, did you hear about the plane that landed in the Rockaway Mall parking lot?"
The laughter made my week...month!
Once again I'm here to sing Aaron's praises!
He's helping Paul aim for the moon!

Paul is constantly asking to do more speech drills.
He is trying....I mean, trying....clawing his way back!
His effort surpasses words.

Nikki, Paul's cousin meet us for lunch. She really goes outta her way....she lives in Palm Desert and comes east to see her girls and sister. BUT she makes the effort to drive from Manhattan through the tunnel and wanders through Newark....to find her way to Paul!!
What a gem!!

Hope everyone is well?
Having a great summer....love to hear from everyone...with summer news!!
Love to all!

Game of War......

2009-08-23T21:58:00.013-04:00

Yesterday Paul had a breakthrough.....he wasn't very impressed
but I was thrilled.
Paul & I played a game of cards...WAR.
I know that sounds pretty simple....but it is huge.
He was just as fast as I was....not that that is any great feat.
But it is NORMAL.
It's been 9 months since his stroke.
If someone had told me that it would be that long to get to this point I would have
thought that there was no way we could remain at this high level of
effort and persistence....on either of our parts.
But here we are.....swinging along and grateful for
small accomplishments.

He has totally switched to Keppra...which may explain the additional awareness/advances.
There is a study at the West Orange Kessler.....Keppra and its affect on aphasia in stroke victims.
Dr. Barrett had asked Paul if he wanted to participate. She inquired before he had a seizure. We thought "ugh...a powerful anti-seizure med...is is worth the risk?"
Duh.....then Paul had a seizure.
So in hindsight it would have been a grand idea.
Anyway....there has been some evidence that Keppra is beneficial for aphasia.
Now that Paul has had a seizure he can't participate in the trial....but he still gets to see if he has some of the benefits of the drug.

Today Andrew Perloff and his wonderful, lovely bride, Sarah came out to Jersey to see Paul....we meet at Montville Inn for brunch. Gail, my sister, dear friends Barbara and Warren rounded out the group. We had peach Bellini's and stuffed ourselves with great egg dishes.
Paul also had the bread pudding.
His appetite is amazing and he works so hard he isn't gaining any weight.
(He looks F A B U L O U S )

Thanks Judy for the bottle of wine...now we really have to go out another night this week..it was great meeting your wonderful Andrew...we'll all have go to CBGB to sample his cooking!!
Judy you are a real dear...thanks for your tender loving care, you always make us feel so welcome at Montville Inn.

Gail has been here for the last 10 days....a real joy.
We've been out with Paul a few times....it's easier in a threesome.
We'll miss her....really miss her!!

Not sure if I mentioned the Jac and fox episode?
Fox chased cat...cat turned and chased fox deep into the woods.
Not good for stress levels....don't want to lose our kitten.
Paul doesn't want to keep her locked inside (he certainly understands physical confinement)
but now if it's an overcast, dark day...I won't let her out.
I guess the fox in our area are fooled into thinking that gray days equal evening.

Paul is really doing well in Physical Therapy. He is ahead of the game.... stronger than he was before the seizure. He also is up to 49 outta 55 on the 'danger of falling' scale. Anything over 50 is considered good....less likely to have a fall!!
He's almost there!
He spends the entire PT session without his cane. Even when he walks sideways and backwards.
The other day he was walking backwards down the hall and John, one of the
Physical Therapists...yelled down the hall....."hey, ya now playing defense?"
Paul groaned!!
His humor still spot on!

We spend hours working on Speech....I mean hour after hour......
He is making progress.
Paul is able to use the word NO...most of the time he can think of the word and then form the word and use it on command.
Which is different than an automatic response.
We've been working on gestures....sometimes getting them mixed up...which can lead to trouble. Driving along and giving me the pee/bathroom gesture when he meant to say OK....is not a good thing!

A few weeks ago Gene Frenette a columnist with the Jacksonville paper called and interviewed Paul. Bob Hayes finally made it into the Profootball Hall of Fame...Jacksonville was all abuzz...giving credit to Paul for all of his past effor to induct Bob.
He wrote a bittersweet article.....
here's the link to the article.
We also heard from a few of Bob Hayes relatives...they called Paul to express their gratitude!

Thanks everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers....I can feel you pushing us up this
slippery hill!!

Hope all of our football friends have great seasons....without any problems with any of the players or coaching staff. No more fistfights....or self abuse!!

Love to all.......

ps.....Paul won our game of WAR........

Paul's Memoirs.......

2009-08-15T13:20:00.012-04:00

Paul had been working on his memoirs...I just found this outline/promo that he sent to his agent. He was about 80% finished writing them.
I am so happy to have 80%........
............I dream of the last 20%!!

Paul wrote me a letter.....

2009-08-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

I hesitate publishing this note....Paul has worked so hard to get to this point. But as you can tell he has miles to go!

It is wonderful that he has gotten to the point of making letters and trying to form words.
He even paid close attention to addressing the envelope...making sure to scratch out the SI mailing address.
Paul looks at this note and sees just what he intended to write.
It surprises him that I can't read it.

I have spent 30 minutes trying to find out what he intended to write. I have to ask 'yes' & 'no' questions. It's tough for Paul to answer with only one word or head shake. So he breaks out in a series of when, when, wheeeennnn....when when?
"Nope, honey, I don't understand, I have to ask you yes and no questions".
Then it's back to whens....................

The closest I can come to what he wants to tell me....just a note about everyday things............

At times I'm numb with grief.......
.................................................................................................................

2009-08-07T00:23:00.000-04:00

Things I've learned

2009-08-06T16:16:00.014-04:00

I received an e-mail from Cindy...another wife in the
stroke-rehab-trenches.
I love her list of
"Things I've Learned"

*There is no such thing as a schedule

*EVERYTHING takes twice as long

* I do not know which restroom to use with Jonathan when the sign says handicap & women, or handicap & men. I peeked in the men's and chose the women's.

*I know nothing about plumbing disaster

*I miss my husband

2009-08-06T16:07:00.001-04:00

2009-08-06T15:47:00.005-04:00

Today's bridge find...

2009-08-06T13:20:00.001-04:00

As you can tell...I don't get much beyond our bridge.....

July Sunday . . .leaf on bridge

2009-07-26T21:10:00.006-04:00

I just read that the NFL training camps start this week....or was it next week?
What bittersweet memories.
The camps had begun to be a real annoyance for Paul the last few years...so many restrictions...a different era.
But no way in hell would he have stopped going.
I sit here shaking my head....(I hear a strange rattle).
He was damned good at what he did....meeting him was always memorable. You couldn't argue his knowledge for the game....the details. I can even go as far as saying it would be difficult to find someone with as much knowledge about many things.
Wine...coins...books....history.........
You must tire of hearing me say this but....god how I miss his voice.

We spent three hours today working on getting a little of it back.
We started with vowel sounds....and then added a consonant.....eeeeeeeee then an mmmmmm. Then we reversed and did the mmmmmmm followed by the eeeeeee.
ME
NO
BE
WE
Paul can't say them spontaneously....yet.
It isn't for lack of trying....on either of our parts.

Heather, Dean and Steve came for a visit......it was a wonderful and frustrating time.
The schedules of a 2 year old and a man in rehab don't ever seem to be in sync.
We only had time to visit late at night.
Heather & Steve really gave us a hand.
We did manage to get both cars in tiptop shape. My '94 Celica is now attached to a battery saver.
I just don't have any time that I drive without Paul in the car. So I never drive the Celica...too hard for Paul to get in and out.
But it is wonderful to have a back up if the Camry has a fit.

All the light bulbs in high places have been replaced....
even the one that required Steve to dangle from a ledge.
He had to send Heather downstairs on a fake errand.
She woulda choked him if she knew what he was up to.
I would have too.

The massage table came down from the top shelf in the garage......I've used it every day.
I set it up in the library....so every morning when we come downstairs and pass through the library....I work on Paul. I am hoping that I can stretch out his hamstrings and whatever
other strings are tight.

Every day we do drills....physical....speech....comprehension....etc.
I feel like a drill instructor.
The teacher I never wanted to be.....but I am damned good...at least I have stamina.
I've never been a sprinter...more a plow horse.
I always had a great respect for teachers....it takes a ton of energy and a huge dose of creativity.
Just this week we are starting to see some real gains....the same gains that we were seeing before Paul's seizure in June.
I am a little gun-shy...kinda terrified. Paul is now almost halfway through the switch from Dilantin to Keppra....the next few weeks we walk a tightrope.

Paul is starting to make some real connections verbally....and the comprehension drills are looking really good. In Physical Therapy on friday Aaron said that Paul was doing some of the exercizes that he was doing before the seizure.
Paul is almost back to where he was physically, before the seizure....and he is ahead of where he was speechwise.
Please God....don't give us another boot!!

Hope that everyone is having a glorious summer!

The week in review....

2009-07-11T15:45:00.013-04:00

Paul is almost physically back to where he was prior to the seizure....not quite as much stamina....but that also may be caused by the two siezure meds.
He is now a week into the 40 day switch from Dilantin to Keppra.
Yesterday the Physical Therapists tried Bioness on his right foot....during Paul's stay at in-patient they had tried it...didn't seem to be effective.
But yesterday looked very promising.
Bioness basically shocks the foot into response.
We learned that Paul must have almost NO feeling in his right leg. It was full tilt and he couldn't feel the shock.....but it seemed to work.
So maybe it's a little mitzvah for him.
It does point out one very important thing.
If Paul has no feeling in his right leg or arm then all the improvement he has made is by sheer force of will!!!!!
Here's a link to Bioness.

Tomorrow Heather & Dean arrive...we are so excited have them come for a few days. Dean is so excited to see Pop-Pop......it'll be a lively few days. I can't wait to spend time with the kids and catch up.

Sunday the 12th.....
List of thanks for the week:
Kim Woods for sending Paul the book about football uniforms over the years..he spent hours going page by page.
Ed Botwinick for all your support and the great video...can't wait to show it to Paul.
Al Ginepra for the ton of CD's including 3 Stooges....big hit!....and your great weekly letters!
Cousin Nikki for trying to figure out Paul's Hebrew name.......Paul knows it but there is no way he can tell us...sigh!
Barbara for throwing us a mini "cocktail party" with a variety of cheeses from Sergio's.
Elle & Chuck for the Meals on Wheels...Elle style....thanks for saving the day!
Tom Danyluk....for the entire book of Paul's articles from the N Y Post...his entire run!! I am thrilled to have them all in one place...thank you...thank you!!
Youngie for sending me Vicki...another wife helping her husband to recover from a stroke!
and last but not least.....Stu for continuing to deal with the million and one details of the auction!!

July 9...09

2009-07-09T21:15:00.002-04:00

My Sweet Boy

2009-07-04T22:14:00.007-04:00

Today we went to a lovely party, given by dear friends.
They were wonderful and very loving...thanks Barbara and Warren.
They did everything to make us feel welcome.
I love you....Paul loves you!!

But it was an emotionally difficult day for me.
I am a mess....crushed.....there aren't words to describe my feelings.
I'm confused about how I feel....feelings are rushing in from all sides.
Sorrow...the deepest sorrow...would be the closest.
Sometimes I feel that if Paul had died then we could keep him intact. That the memory of who he was...all his pieces together....but if he had I wouldn't have seen this side of him. This is his most incredible side.
He is the bravest person I have ever known. Most people in his position would hide...they wouldn't put themselves out there...on display so to speak.
My heart breaks watching Paul as he sits and says 'when when when...when'.
To everyone he is an old man that can't speak.....barely stumbles into a room...with much assistance. It is excruciating seeing him locked inside.
I want to yell...."he is brilliant...he has so many stories to tell....you'd love to know him".
But I don't know who to yell it to...
He sat and ate and listened....and he was so patient. I knew that he wanted me to have fun he wanted me to leave his side and talk to people and mingle.
But how could I dream of leaving him to face the next person to come up and try to talk to him....leaving them to stare at him in confusion...or worse....think he's an asshole that won't talk to them. Maybe that would have been better. We could have agreed to see how people would react to him. Maybe kept a chart....6 people kept talking....4 ignored him...3 people brought other people over....etc
This was the first time that we went to a gathering where people didn't know us...and I didn't want to keep telling everyone...."Paul had a sroke...he has aphasia & apraxia he can't read, write or speak....he understands what you are saying and if you ask him yes & no questions he can answer you.
I'm sure he feels like a doll on display.
So I told a few people....and tried to fit in a few of his favorite stories. I'd quietly bring him drinks and food. Paul always got me drinks and found the special wines and bits of the best food...he always thought of me. I always loved how he took care of me....I only feel grateful to return the favor....but I did it holding back tears.
But I know how hard it is for him. I guess that is what hurts the most. Knowing how much he wanted ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
He is my sweet boy!

Thoughts

2009-06-30T13:51:00.021-04:00

Boy, it's so easy to go over to the other side....

thinking of the things that Paul can no longer do.

I try like hell to stop myself...fast.

It is so important to focus on the things he can do...and things that he

couldn't do but can do now.

Even the little things...such as swallowing.

When you can't swallow....you sure as hell don't look at it as a little thing.

He is now a grand swallower.

Every once in awhile when he is exhausted he may have one tiny drool. Like the drool I let loose in college as I concentrated so hard to play my first piano piece,

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

My friend Sue sat at the piano in front of me playing Bach...she turned to say something to me..........and bingo a drool.

Paul & I still have a laugh over that one!

Paul can walk....not a real march...yet....but assisted he can make it into rehab, Dr's offices and most importantly Gourmet Cafe and Montville Inn.

Link to Gourmet Cafe.

Link to Montville Inn.

Food is important....having a meal with friends is really important. Paul scores an A+ in the eating department.

The kids are coming in a few weeks so I suggested to Paul that we should take them to the shore...he howled as if to say "right...and I'm gonna crawl through the sand". I laughed with him then explained that we'd love the drive and we could go to the beach and sit on the wooden walkway or take a drive while the kids enjoyed the sand.

I just can't begin to imagine how it must feel to be in his situation. I'm sure he has hope...hope that he will improve. Improve enough to have a chance for one more walk on the beach...one more time to pick up driftwood...seashells....a favorite rock....stand at the edge of the earth and feel that might pull of water.

We also play this odd morbid game....we think of someone that we know that is in a worse situation. Then we can stop feeling as if we have it so bad. We know a young man that can't eat by himself or walk....but he can talk and read. I asked Paul if he'd rather give up walking to be able to talk and read. He thought for a moment and shook his head. I'm sure that part of him knows he can handle his own situation...but he's not sure how he'd handle a different situation.

Last week when we went to the Kessler West Orange to see Dr. Barrett we saw so many people with incredible challenges....wow that is the place to go if you are feeling sorry for yourself.

A good friend also pointed out something very interesting. He said that when he was a kid his Mom had a living will...."if 'this' happens or 'that', I don't want to survive...blah...blah...blah..." Well, 'this and that' did happen and guess what...she didn't want to give up. She realized that other things about life were pretty damn good...she wasn't ready to let go.
I remember Paul and I having a similar discussion...eyesight and reading were involved in the 'not wanting to live' category. Guess what......Paul definitely isn't ready to call it quits. I'm sure it's different for everyone...............
I'm also trying to have him look ahead....plan trips. We have some time paid for in Mendocino. It's not impossible...just not yet.....

It's late at night...time for me to turn in....this is the time I am most vulnerable....night thoughts.
I think of all the wonderful things we've done...how game Paul was to go anywhere...anytime.
I just don't want him to be sad....I just want him to be happy.
I just want to make some more really happy memories!!

Love to all...........sleep tight!