Beautiful Mourning

Moving

2009-06-04T15:10:00.001-07:00

I will be moving soon into a new house. The anticipation of what it will be like on the day we actually leave the house where Adam grew up is overwhelming. I am okay leaving here it is just that I am afraid of myself on the last day. I suppose it will be like any other event since he left. The anxiety and anticipation is sometimes worse than the actual event. I hope this is the case. It may not be easy but it is possible!

My list of firsts

2009-01-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

As you know I like to list my firsts for the past year. It helps me see where I've been and what I've done. Some of them are routine and don't phase me one way or the other. Some of them have great impact like losing our dog and watching my sons best friend get married. They are all a part of my new normal now. It would be great if you shared one of your firsts. It may not be easy, but it is possible!

ARFRD July 15, 2008

2008-07-26T15:19:00.001-07:00

Adam's Garden in July

2008-07-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos of Adam's Garden taken the morning of July 15th. You can see how the flowers have bloomed since May. It was beautiful and sunny that morning.

Adam Garden

2008-05-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here are more images from my Adam Garden. Each piece has a special meaning. Most of the items were donated by family or friends. The memorial stone with the dates was given to us by our neighbors. The butterfly tree was given to us by a co-worker of Adam. The sitting angel boy was given to us by my husbands cousin. The fish stone was given to us by a friend of my husband who along with his son had a lot of fun fishing times together with Adam. The white rose bush above the fish stone (not in bloom yet)was given to us by my sister on the one year anniversary of Adam's leaving. It is so beautiful when it is in bloom. The garden stone was given to us by my family. We bought the glider bench so people can sit, relax and remember. It is a magnet in our yard. Someone is always sitting there and hopefully reflecting on Adam and what he meant to them in their life. The garden will be in full bloom shortly and that is where I find my peace and solitude. You do not have to wait for family or friends to give you things to make a garden. It can be as simple as a pot of Forget-Me-Nots on your deck, or a small area of an existing garden. Fill it with something special that reflects who your Loved One is or something they liked. It may not be easy, but it is possible:)

site updates

2008-02-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

This month has been a bit of a struggle. I have been down for awhile because I had shoulder surgery. Thankfully I am on the mend and intend to do some site work while I am off. The archives have been updated. Please take note the contact phone number has been changed. The paypal tax codes for those purchasing in New York state are updated as well. Remember, you can always email and ask any question concerning your grief journey or some else whom you may be concerned about. Have a pleasant day and always remember it isn't easy but it is possible!!:)

Amanda Lynn Mabon

2007-10-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

Amanda Mabon lost her life here on Earth August 30, 2007. She is a 17 year old blond beauty who had a lot of life still in her. Mandy would have been a senior this year at Oakfield -Alabama High School. I did not know Mandy personally but I do know her parents. They are good people with genuine hearts who do not deserve this. Mandy has a big sister and a little brother. She also has a huge extended family who I am sure will miss her deeply. From what I have learned about Mandy, she has an incredibly bright smile and a friendly personality that made anyone who came in contact with her want to be her friend. I wish I had known her personally. She is someone who loved children and was very active in programs involving children. At Mandy's wake I have never seen so many people of all ages wait inside and outside for up to 3 hours just to pay respects. It is an absolute tribute to the kind of girl she is. Her parents obviously did something right. My wish for Mandy's family, personal and extended, is that they find peace in their hearts and a way to celebrate the life that was taken way too soon.

6th Anniversary Celebration

2007-07-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

July 15th was the 6th anniversary of Adam's passing. We had a fantastic day. 82 peope came to support us and celebrate the life of my son. What an honor. We did a ballon launch, played music, and I spoke. Some people in attendance never even met my son. Whatever their reason was for coming didn't matter, they were here. So many people were moved by the action of the balloon launch. Just about everyone sent a message to Heaven. Some of the messages were to their loved ones. It was a beautiful day for honoring and remembering those we no longer have in our physical presence. It was not easy, but it was possible!

Garden Grief

2007-05-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

The garden is usually a burden to most people. They find it a chore. I love the garden. It lets me think and cry and be mad and happy all at the same time. I'm alone when I garden so no one has to see me go through all the different emotions that take place while digging dirt. I recall happy times when we were a complete family and the sad times since Adam left. Pulling weeds is like putting aside another tear of grief. If you give it a try you might find you like it. It isn't always easy but it is possible :) Peace to all those who are missing someone special.http://www.beautifulmourning.com

bereavment laws

2007-03-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

Don't the bereavement laws suck? I can't believe you can get a measly 3 days off to take care of yourself, relatives, funeral, paperwork, make arrangements and come back to work like nothing happened. Some workplaces are better than others when it comes to this delicate topic. Some relatives are only worthy of one bereavement paid day. Isn't that silly!!!! Sometimes Grandma or Auntie are closer to you then your own Mom. I get so frustrated whenever this topic comes up. I was not treated with the best compassion when my son died. I know so many Moms who had to quit because it was so demanding to have to think of work on top of everything else. The laws for birth are so much better than they are for death especially when it is a child. Why can't we have 6weeks paid time off? Why can't we get ready for a new life without our child? We were given 6 weeks to get ready for a new life with them. It's funny because life without them is WAY HARDER than life is with them. It may not be easy, but it is possible because we are doing it, aren't we? Peace to all who are missing that someone special:)

There is healing in hope

2007-03-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I've been here. I have been helping my husband set up an account with the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. He will be taking part in a 100 mile bike ride in Whitefish Montana on August 25th. He will be riding for our great nephew, Ian who is 2 years old. He was diagnosed this past year with Type 1. My husbands goal is $6000. If you are interested in donating, it is tax deductible, you may do so by going to http://ride.jdrf.org/rider.cfm?id=6756. Once in the site enter Rich Furstoss as the rider you will be supporting. It is very therapeutic to be involved in something so dear to us. We have a purpose and focus to help Ian become a strong, productive individual. Thank you for your help.

I really believe that healing of your broken heart can happen when you reach out to others. This is part of the living, giving and sharing I talked about on my website, www.beautifulmourning.com in Feb. Donate in memory of a loved one. It might not be easy but it is possible :)

Grief Sucks

2007-02-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

WOW, where have I been? I have been doing the post holiday thing like everyone else, I guess. I have been re-evaluating my site, my purpose, my life!!!! Does anyone feel a let down now that the Holidays are over? It's all hype, anticipation, anxiety and then ....BLAH. Don't you hate the roller coaster feeling? You think everything is on track and something hits you right between the eyes and reminds you you are without a favorite loved one. You have control over it all even if you think you don't. None of this crap is easy. It sucks and unfortunately it just is different every year. Nothing, and I mean nothing is ever the same. Maybe you see a glimpse of a feeling that things are "normal" but, NO they are not. I hope each and every one of you find the path that will lead you to your "new normal". It is there just keep trying. It isn't easy but it is possible :)

Post Holiday Mourning

2007-01-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

It seems like we anticipate the coming of the holidays, they come and it is what it is and then what? This is a time of year filled with the blahs. The weather, the lack of daylight, the lack of activity and now the house is bare. All the catalogs are filled with sales and Valentines!!! This is a good time to evaluate the Holiday past and determine if it was great, good, or just okay. What could or would you have done differently? Make a mental note or write it down and try to do something different next year. If this is your first year of mourning, don't think the rest of the Holidays will be the same. Every one and every year is different. It may not be easy to deal with the loss but it is possible!! Remember, it is YOUR grief process, no one elses. I hope you were able to find a bit of peace and joy this Holiday season:) Barb

Reflective Mourning

2006-12-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

This past week I attended a church service dedicated to those loved ones who are no longer in our physical presensce. It was a peaceful, reflective hour to remember my son and my Dad. There were families as well as individuals remembering their loved ones at a time when we miss them most. There was music, readings, personal stories, a candle lighting and communion. It was a great time to stop and enjoy the season in a different way. I highly reccomend you attend a service of this sort if one is available in your area. It was not an easy thing to do but it is possible to not let our loved ones get lost in the hustle and bustle of the season. I wish you peace in your heart as you miss your loved one this Holiday season :)

Christmas Card Grief

2006-12-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

The first year of losing someone you love is always filled with anxiety and fear. There are all the usual things to do to get ready for the Holiday. One thing that seems to still cause a feeling of anxiety is the Christmas card. Do I send them, do I include my loved ones name, will that make others uncomfortable, what kind do I send? I was very unsure of the proper etiquette. I still wonder what kind of card I should send. Should it be religious, serious, family oriented, funny. There are so many choices. I have sent all of the different styles and types of cards over the years. It is always a strange feeling to sign them. Instead of putting individual names you can try putting "The ____ Family" or "Happy Holidays from The _____". One option is to not send any card at all. The choice is ultimately yours. What choice have you made? It is not an easy one but possible! Peace to all who are missing that special loved one this Holiday season :)

Tree Grief

2006-12-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

With Christmas around the corner the subject of a tree is fresh on our minds. Do we, don't we, little one, big one, new decorations, same decorations, same room, different room, UGH!!!! When a loved one is no longer here it is really hard to decide what to do. When a child is missing it is even tougher. All the trees from the past keep clouding our judgment. Trips to the farm, cutting one down, picking out Charlie Brown, fresh, or fake these are all decisions that need to be made. Maybe you wouldn't mind a tree if the Christmas Elves took care of it all when you weren't looking. I would like that!!!! If your choice is not to have a tree this year for whatever reason, that is okay. Don't let others shame you into it unless of course there are other little children in the house that make you feel bad. We need to keep traditions and normalcy alive for them. Yes, the tree is another one of those things that can get you when you aren't looking. It isn't always easy to try to decide, but it is possible! Peace to all those who are missing a loved one this Christmas season.

Grief Reading

2006-11-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

This month on http://www.beautifulmourning.com I discuss books and how they have affected me since I lost my son, Adam. I used to read for pleasure and when death came knocking, I stopped reading. When I got over the "I can't concentrate" part of grieving, I wanted to read everything I could about what was happening to me. Books have become a comfort to me and a guide through my journey. I just completed Mitch Albom's book "for one more day". It is about a son who gets to spend one more day with his Mom. I liked this book and found it made me think if I had one more day with Adam. What would we do, what would I say, where would we go.If you have a favorite book you've read, I'd love to here about it. Reading and enjoying what you used to is not always easy, but possible! Peace to all who are missing that someone special:)

Remembering Adam

2006-10-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Finally, here is the video that my nephew Rich took on July 15th, the 5th anniversary of Adam's passing. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a video is worth much more! Thanks, Rich.

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Comparing Grief

2006-09-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Unless you have lost the same style relationship I feel you really don't know the feelings, fear or anxiety. When someone hears you've lost your spouse they think they know what your going through because they lost their Mom. When someone hears you've lost your best friend they think they know what your going through because they lost their Grandmother. When someone hears you've lost your child they think they know what your going through because they lost their cousin. NO, NO, NO!!!!! People think loss is loss. That is true in a very general sense. There are similarities, but the specific grieving, mourning process for each relationship is very unique. The way I feel about the loss of my Dad is very different from the way I feel about the loss of my son. If someone tells me they've lost their Dad I can totally relate and converse on the same level. If they tell me they've lost their Dad I will not pretend it is the same as losing my son. Those in my support group and others I have talked to, say all the time how someone else tried to tell them they know how they feel. Apparently it is a common thing to do. I suggest that you try to be a good listener until you feel comfortable enough to relate on the same level. NEVER, NEVER compare a pet loss to a human loss. This is not a very easy thing to do, but possible because we do love and care for friends and family.
Peace to all who are missing that someone special :)

Mail for a loved one

2006-09-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it we still receive mail from the armed services, schools and the credit card companies long after our loved ones have left this earth? My son is gone 5 years and I still receive things like "Join the Army" and "See what the university has to offer for you" and "Get this great rate now!" UGH!!! With this age of technology, computers, instant knowledge and "I need to know", why is it when someone is no longer alive those of us left behind have to deal with this sort of mail? I thought when Adam's social security number was reported with a death certificate that it would radiate to all these different entities. Apparently these type places do not update or do not have access, which I don't believe. They get their name from somewhere in the first place. I just wish it would stop. It is very jarring to get the mail and find that piece with their name on it. I guess the only thing to do is, when approaching the mailbox, is to prepare for that piece of useless mail with your loved ones name. Maybe then it won't be such a shock. Not easy, but possible. Peace to all who are missing that someone special. :)

Memoriams

2006-08-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

I always read the memoriams people write in the newspaper to honor their loved ones. Sometimes it is for a thank you or a birthday but it is mostly for the remembrance day of a loved one. It scares me when I read a message from a Mom and Dad and see that their child has been gone for a significant length of time. I thought it is suppose to get better with time. I thought time heals all wounds. I thought you think less and less about those not around anymore. Wow!!! To think that I might still be missing Adam as much 8, 10, 20 or more years from now as much as I do now is SCARY!!! I guess it never really does go away. It is so true we learn to cope and live life without our loved ones. It might not be easy, but it is possible!
Peace to all those who are missing that special someone :)

What's the better way to go?

2006-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Recently the topic of a tragic loss of life versus the "knowing your gonna die" debate has come up. There are pluses and minuses to both. When I first went to a support group meeting there was a mom whose son had fallen into a pool and was in a coma. She talked about how she held him until he died. I told her I was jealous because Adam was taken so quickly that there was no holding or last hug. She said she was jealous of me because I don't have the image of watching my child die. Maybe it is different if it is a child versus an adult. In my opinion, having experienced both, my son instantly and my dad with cancer, the "knowing your gonna die" approach is the way to go. You know the end is coming so you have time to prepare. You can visit with people, say things you need to say, apologize, forgive, set your own service and do that one thing you always wanted to do. I've heard the "who wants to watch your loved one suffer" argument. Is it suffering or is it just plain ole uncomfortable for those of us left behind? What do you think? Not easy, but possible. Peace to all who are missing that someone special:)

Clare

2006-08-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

My sister's best friend Clare Nice passed away 8/10/06. Even though she was her friend she was really a friend to all my family. Everyone who met Clare was her "family". Her last name is so appropriate for such a "nice" lady. A lady Clare was! She always had a kind word, a beautiful personality, a contagious smile and boy, she loved a good time with a bottle of wine!
I've been thinking, what woud it be like to lose your best friend? I never have. I have lost my son, but I would imagine a friend is a different set of obstacles. Who do you call with good news? Who do you share your silly thoughts with? Who do you share a great drink or bottle of wine with? Who will listen no matter what? Who to complain too? I am sad for my sister.
Clare was a friend to me by proxy. She never made me feel that way though. Since my son left us, Clare was always willing to listen. She never shrugged when his name was mentioned. She never turned away if I had a story about him. She was ALWAYS interested in my business and very supportive of it.
I will miss seeing her and sharing with her. she was one of my "comfort people". I will miss her smile and laugh but most of all I will miss the great friendship she gave my sister. Everyone should have a friend as great as Clare was to my sister.
To Coby, Jim, Steve, Jen, Em and Riley: You are a beautiful family Clare was proud of. We will all miss her. I am honored to have had the pleasure of knowing her.

photos

2006-08-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

Why do we not enjoy the family photo as much when a loved one is not around? I have family photos where a baby who hasn't been born yet is not present. Does that bother me? NO. Why should it if my son is not in a photo now? I've thought about it and I think it is because the future was wiped away. The photo without Adam is just a reminder of what should be and cannot. Looking at photos, especially family ones is not easy, but possible. Peace to all who are missing that someone special:)

First post

2006-08-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

I lost my son Adam at the age of 18 in a car accident. I think about him ALL the time, even when others think I am not. It is a strange thing to worry so much about someone who is no longer physically here. Why? I haven't quite figured that out yet. Moms worry from the time they are born until..... I know he is in a fun place. After all he is with 2 grandfathers who don't mind sharing a beer or a fishing trip. No pain, no work, no issues (I think), blue skies all the time and watching us. Maybe it is because as a Mom it is our job to always protect and keep out of harms way. I couldn't do that for Adam. He was taken from us for no real reason. I know some of the reasons now, 5 years later, but it doesn't mean I wish it didn't happen. I can only make the best of a crappy situation and I think I am. It would be great if you would check out my website www.beautifulmourning.com and see how I have found a way to cope, maybe I have some way for you to cope too. Not easy, but possible! Peace to all who are missing that someone special:)