silent blue

2009-07-08T21:21:00.003+08:00

I am sick and tired of all those jokes being made fun of recently. Its getting from bad to worse. People who dont really know me started making fun of me too. And the extent of the jokes are turning from "its a little funny" to "big bloody humiliation"

I used to not mind against the jokes, but its getting unbearable and tormenting. I used to just laugh together with people, but its getting painful and annoying just to listen to them.

I do not understand why people are getting more and more insensitive, and I dont even understand if I should continue regarding them as my close friends. I used to not mind my close friends joking about it, but its getting irritating, disgusting and annoying.

You think its funny? Then you are just insensitive, childish and one hell bastard.

I swear I am going to screw the next person who disgust me with this kind of jokes. I shall take no more humiliation and direct insult.
There is only so much one can take. It is not funny anymore when one disregard the person's feeling. It is not funny when you step on a person's pride to make yourself look good, look humorous.

There is only so much I can take and I am almost over my limit. The anger is overflowing and the volcano will explode anytime soon.

2009-06-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

I have made my decisions on certain things.
But I am unsure about them.. Whether they are right or not.
I have wasted a lot of time doing what I am not good at doing.
I shall not repeat the same mistakes again and again until I have enough confidence in me.

2009-04-22T22:58:00.002+08:00

was reading the newspaper and following up some stories recently.

the RenCi incident finally ends. Mingyi and his assistant are found guilty.

It really tells us something isn't it?

Just one wrong step, one mistake, and whatever effort you had given in, whatever sacrifice you made, whatever reputation you have built up, will just be gone in such a short while. I used to respect what Mingyi did for the people. But it seems that what he had contributed does not make up to what mistakes he had done.

I took a step wrong, made a mistake earlier on.

I hope the consequences will not be too great for me to take it.

I still cant get over it I guess.

2009-04-16T20:26:00.003+08:00

wow look at my cbox! kanasai

$%#^$**$%#$%#%&$^*

apparently the owner of this link has a lot of people spamming on his tagboard saying pls do not tag their personal blogs.

There ARE this kind of idiots out there. IDIOTS

2009-04-13T23:52:00.003+08:00

我知道我没有机会
我早就知道了
我对这些事的直觉还蛮敏锐的
虽然我不希望自己懂得那么多

我早就知道自己根本不能比较
但我一直不愿意接受
一直还抱着希望
还希望自己有办法
让一切改变

太迟了
我知道的
我的心还在痛
但是
我知道没有办法改变
there is no short-cuts to happiness but dancing is one of them.
I knew whats wrong after reading it.
[reply tags!]
yt: haha yah i am trying to mug hard! but i keep falling asleep! and i like writing in chinese coz i can express myself better! try learn reading in chinese! HOHOHO
dhika: it is not bimbotic loh! i am just expressing how much i love them haha
xiuming: okay we shall meet up after exam!
oe: trying to let everything be the past haha.

2009-04-11T23:18:00.007+08:00

OMG OMG OMG!!!

It has been such a long time since I last heard anything about Wondergirls. And I MISS THEM. They havent been having any new productions recently due to a JYP tour in LA and NewYork.

So I went back to check some of the blogs about Wondergirls and I FOUND THIS!

Wohoo! After I watch I was like... WOW!!

I really love Wondergirls hohoho. And btw Sohee's singing is so much better now! I used to think that her voice are nice but she doesnt really know how to sing. Such a pity. BUT after watching this video I feel happy for her!

MY SUNYE IS STILL AS PRETTY & HOT AS EVER HOHO

And Yoobin is still a lil plump haha.

[edit]

The MV is actually a remake of the song "NOW" by Fin.K.L. (consists of Lee hyori, Oak Joo Hyun, Lee Jin, Sung Yu Ri). I went to watch the actual MV on youtube and the MV is about 80% identical (besides the rapping part and the dance). Haha I think the director tries to keep the flavour. And I think Wondergirls' version is nicer hehe.

Please do watch the vid. The song is quite nice and catchy.

2009-04-09T17:19:00.003+08:00

Shit.
Have been slacking too much recently.
Gone back to my slacking lifestyle.
Cannot cannot.
I need to really really mug.
Not the fake fake sit there but nothing goes into the brain kind.
Sian I really need to CHIONG.

On a side note.
My Sore throat is okay alr!
yay! actually not totally okay but it feels MUCH BETTER.

Tomorrow is Holiday.
Need to make full use of it!
need to make sure I follow my schedule.

But slacking is still so tempting.

I am trying to 放下 more and more.
Still fighting inside me to let go.
But I am generally feeling better.
Thanx to the people who encourage me.
Its tough but I am trying.

用一根火柴燒一場蜃樓　借這場大雨讓自己逃走
荒茫公路無人的漂泊　寂寞海嘯把我捲走

用一段感情換一個朋友　每一句再見割一道傷口
躲在萬劫不復的街頭　微笑參透覆水難收

倘若說放一次手　就像咳一個嗽
我又何苦　在乎得不到的溫柔

我坐在公路的出口　等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
連想你都是種殘酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
游不出回憶　卻學不會放手　怎麼走

2009-04-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

My sore throat is still there... and it's getting worse without the 25.70 dollars antibiotics to control it. And the swell at the lymph node behind my ear is getting worse. And I am getting a runny nose. Hopefully I dun get sick by tomorrow. Think I am going to see a doctor tomorrow.

Sian... Don't want to get sick at this time. One week to exam and if I get sick... Win liao lo.

I need some strong medicine to kill the virus/bacteria whatsoever.

2009-04-04T11:10:00.010+08:00

When I scan through my recent blog entries, I realised, all emo post ah!

Yah, life hasnt been that well recently, and I am starting to discover a lot of new things about myself, about life. I had changed a bit, or maybe more than a bit, and I almost couldnt recognize myself. I turned into something I do not understand. Its scary. Its fearful. I do not know if I have gotten out of it. But one thing I am sure is, I WANT TO GET OUT OF IT. I do not want to remain as sth which I do not even know.

Well, and as usual, I have a difficult time making decision. The decision to stay, or to let go. I knew it would be tough initially but I still stepped in. And I knew how tough it will be to get myself out, but I still sunk into it.

And now, I know its time for me to let go. But some part of me still cant bear to leave. Some part of me is telling me not to give up, but I know I should not listen to it. But knowing and doing are two different things. I am not ready.

i am in agony i am in pain
knowing the truth my hopes turn vain
why this moment why this happens
cant things go the way i wish it'd happen?

reply tags!!

Gerry: Hello! long time no see? how u doing?
yoga: haha wish I could do it. if i can i wont be in this shape anymore.
evonne: okay! i will but i dun eat chocs so can gimme sth else? hahaha
dhika: haha emo-ing less alr... still thinking about the post u put up.
ale: haha i guess we will have to meet up after april then! hopefully not like this anymore!
yt: I will try! no guarantee tho! hehe
LX: hello. how u doing?? haha i am fine la but a lot of things is up! wat about u?

2009-04-01T23:31:00.000+08:00

Organic Chem Quiz 2 tomorrow~
Jiayou!!!

2009-04-01T07:00:00.004+08:00

昨天早上
我第一次感觉到恐惧
第一次感受到
被恐惧侵蚀的那种恐怖
我可以感受到
自己被一点一点地吞噬
手脚冰冷
脑中尽是我不敢想象的一切
我第一次了解
为什么人会被恐惧打败
会失去一切勇气
会害怕
会想要逃避现实

I have turned into something that I do not even recognize.
How did this happen?
How did this all started out?

I need an answer
I need a solution

2009-03-29T20:21:00.000+08:00

我不想再相信
我不想再希望

因为没有什么能让我去相信和盼望
没有什么值得等待

"Horrible & Inappropriate things to write on the facebook wall of a kid who just died"

2009-03-28T17:32:00.004+08:00

2009-03-27T03:57:00.002+08:00

Why must I be the one who learn how to let go every time?
I cant stop missing you

2009-03-23T21:30:00.002+08:00

Damn. I think I look like a fool.

Why must this be happening?
i cant stop missing you

2009-03-22T19:42:00.003+08:00

I am getting tired of everything.

and exams 3 weeks away
and I miss you

2009-03-22T03:22:00.004+08:00

I am losing faith in the people around me.

Things started to change. Nothing is like the same as last time, when we first get to know each other. People starts to take things for granted, like promises, respect and understanding. Keeping to promise seems to be less of a responsibility now, perhaps because we take it for granted that the others might not mind. So getting pangseh became more and more frequent. It is true that we understand the reason you might not want to keep up to your promise, but it is getting more and more annoying when you are treating our compromising as our responsibility. Reasons like: i am tired/i don't feel like doing/i gotta finish up my stuff/i am busy are okay sometimes, but not all the time, and definitely not twice in a row, and definitely not okay when you can go for sth else which suits your needs and tell me that you cant go for something else because you are busy or you are tired. It just make you look selfish. I do accept such excuses for the fact that I do excuse myself sometimes. But doing it so frequently--- it is just not right. Pangseh your friends is okay, because they will forgive you. Buy keep on Pangseh-ing your friends----it is just annoying. Do not take your friends' compromise as granted.

Keeping up your promises, it is also a basic respect. Friendship needs to be sustained by respect. By pangseh-ing your friends(I mean the frequent ones), you are just losing your basic respect. Being friends, we try to not get angry at one another because we are supposed to have understand what your friends are like, and what they don't like. So we try to compromise and not get flare up when they do something we don't really like. Because we are supposed to know they are like that. But compromising shouldn't come from one person only. And personally, I hate it when compromising comes from one side only.

And I know saying sorry sucks. It is not easy to say sorry, a sincere one, one that you really mean it. We have our own pride, and by saying sorry we are showing that we are wrong. And it is not easy to admit that you are wrong because we are adults, and we have to forgo our pride when we say sorry. So apologizing sucks, it really sucks.

Apparently I am also taking certain things in my friendship for granted. I know it and I am trying to avoid it. I don't like promising people, because I just simply cant do that. I am more of a spontaneous person, and I don't promise people. It is not nice when you cant keep up your promises. Disappointing the others is the last thing I would want to do.

I know I am not perfect as a friend, but I try to. And I am trying even harder now because I just realise how bad it is to take things for granted.
But, at the same time, I also just realise that how the people around me are changing in ways that annoy me. People seems to get more self-centred, more heck-care about how your friends will actually think, because they take it for granted----haiya they know me, they know I am like that so they will understand, they won't get angry and they will forgive me eventually.

It just shows me that I need new standards. But setting standards is not what a friendship require.

Tell me what to do??

--------------------------

I am also losing faith in dance. Not exactly dancing itself, but how everything is different from last time, how the people are actually like, how everybody is working hard and how I am not improving. It seems just that it's not worth it, not worth it to continue.

And I hate it when the classes I go to have some crappy choreo and the classes I go to have nice choreo. I don't get why it is like that. Stupid shit.

-------------------------

I am just ranting.
I am sad to hear what had happened yesterday. because it is not something that i would like to know. should I give up?

Accepting reality sucks. and not wanting to accept reality sucks even more.

2009-03-18T22:07:00.003+08:00

omg i give up
there is no ground i can stand on.
how can i win?
but i wish to win... wish that i still stand a chance

2009-03-17T18:08:00.001+08:00

最近真是诸事不顺
希望不好的快快消失

2009-03-16T01:32:00.001+08:00

我们之间感觉突然变得很陌生

到底怎么了?

我不想这种事情发生啊

明明就很开心啊
为什么才一会儿
我们变得像刚认识似的

2009-03-15T22:04:00.001+08:00

Lab report is the most boring thing to do.

Especially the formal ones, and the physics ones.

SUPER BORING

2009-03-15T06:09:00.005+08:00

This is like what the hell??

What the fuck? You want to do this to me?

Fine then. If you do not realise, it matters a lot.

I didnt think our friendship is built on that kind of standard

I didnt think that our friendship is that weak

I didnt think that you take it so seriously, even tho this kind of joke practically happens all the time.

I didnt know what the fuck is going on

I couldnt stop thinking. Couldnt help it but I cant sleep the whole night.

SCREW YOU. It doesnt matter anymore.

What a disastrous week

2009-03-14T14:55:00.001+08:00

心情好糟啊
好烦啊一直看到不像看见的东西
我只能假装堆笑
当作什么事也没有发生

烦烦烦烦烦烦烦

2009-03-13T23:30:00.002+08:00

我不知道我还能撑多久
眼看着这种事不断浮现
我却无能为力
明知道这是种选择
一种告诉了我究竟是怎么一回事的选择
但我却仍然不愿意接受事实
我还抱着那一丝希望
希望那并不是残酷的事实
不是可以将我击倒的事实
不是我遇见会发生
会让我累的残酷现实

reply tag!
ale: thanx thanx!!! haha. come to watch our concert in august k? and meet up soon haha
dhika: ya... so you wont understand...
yichian: haha i dunno how to sort things out yet... so dunno how to say haha. not the time yet! hahaha

2009-03-10T23:00:00.002+08:00

I am such a screwed-up
feel so useless