Eye on the Family

2009-06-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

WHAT ABOUT DAD?

Decades ago, Bumstead in the cartoon Blondie, started the jokes about dear, old, bumbling, Dad. It would still be funny but some folks now take it as a comment on modern family life.

This coincides with Mom taking on two jobs. The focus has turned to Mom and the heavy load she has. In the process, Dad seems to be losing his muscle.

Most Dads today are very pleased to share the load of family breadwinner. They are also glad to lose the label of “Family Boss”. They know that teamwork works best.

There is a snag in all this. With all the attention on Mom, kids can get warped views of men and women. Both girls and boys continue to need to see Dads as strong and brave - doing guy things. They will enter their later adult relationships holding family views of adult roles.

In the old days, the dominant male style wasn’t the best for children. Now, any dominant female styles will also do kids a disservice.

So, this comes down to the old story. Mom and Dad must make sure they have their act and their signals straight to do the best job for the kids. This is true regardless of family structure or orientations.

Wars between Mom and Dad are the world’s most damaging experiences for children. In wars, nobody is right. In wars, nobody wins.

Let’s hear from you on this FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2009-06-01T09:07:00.001-04:00

IF MAMA AIN’T HAPPY - AIN’T NOBODY HAPPY!

This great saying may not sit well with some women. It suggests that:

Family is down when Mama is down
Everybody is tense when Mama is tense
Family is grumpy when Mama is grumpy
Things only go well when Mama is OK

Today’s Mamas have every right to say:

“Enough is enough”
“I’m already doing three jobs”
“Who’s looking out for me?”

If the saying is true, then each Mama should:

Accept the fact she shapes family moods
Remember that raising kids is job One
Ensure her mate shares the load
Look after her life for today

This isn’t just Mama’s challenge, this is a FAMILY CHALLENGE!

2009-05-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

DEAR MOM - TAKE A BREATH - FOR THE KIDS

The Old Family Story

Dad too busy at work
No energy at home for the kids
Little boys missed guy time with Dad
Little girls missed their time with Dad

The New Story is Very Different

Mom works at work, home, marriage - tries to run too fast
When Mom’s strung out, the family is strung out
Shift work doesn’t work for kids who need continuity
Kids are left with more freedom than they can handle

Overstressed Parents Are Trying to Raise Kids

Community kid culture brings questionable values
Kids run the schools - police patrol for drugs, like the street
Churches have lost their grip on family life
Business and government peddle their products and programs

What About the Family?

Needs to regroup, get a grip and take control of family life
Need to regain focus on the big job - raising kids
Shift priorities from goodies to wellness
Kids need to hear and feel parent values and beliefs

What About Mom?

Take a breath and put family first
Dad and kids need to stand up to the plates, rugs, money
Mom needs to discover her new role in a working family
Time for Mom to set a new family

How is your family meeting this FAMILY CHALLENGE?

2009-05-01T16:16:00.002-04:00

DEAR MOM - TIME TO TAKE A BREATH - FOR THE FAMILY

In our day, Moms are trying to do two or more jobs - well. By her taking a breath, Dad, the kids and the grandparents can share in the heavy lifting.Betsey Hart, Chicago radio station WYLL says “If Dads are there at all, it’s SuperMom handling everything”.

Look what’s happening to Mom and Dad:

The sheriff leading the charge down Main Street is a lady
The press plays up bad Dad deserting the family
Moms must now compete with Dads in the muscle fitness world
Press jokes about Dads outnumber Mom jokes 10 to 1

Looks What’s Happening to the Family

The full-time homemaker is replaced by part-time homemakers
Family life is a rat race much like the community
No time to get together
Relationships get and stay frayed in all the hustle
Grandparents mostly out of the family loop
Use of anxiety medications skyrocketing
Families try getting all their solutions from the community

What’s Driving this Family Imbalance?

Businesses that target individuals - particularly women
Governments promoting individual rights instead of family rights
Media dish out extreme examples of lousy family life
Groups claim conspiracies against women

How to Correct All This Family Fragmentation

Parents need to get together and take control of family life
Material goals need to be lowered to be within reason
Reinvent regular family time for fun, sharing, decisions, prayer

Take a breath and meet this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2009-04-15T11:34:00.003-04:00

THE FAMILY IN AN AGE OF PERIL

The family has the world’s most important job: the well-being and nurturing of children. Our society’s big forces seem intent on controlling our family rather than supporting it. How can the family marshal its strengths to get the big job done well? How can the family withstand the controlling community powers?

Job one for the family is child nurturing and marital harmony. This means responsibility for health, faith, learning, careers and primary relationships. Sounds nearly impossible. In fact there is no other candidate for this job.

Arrayed against the family are powerful community forces working to control the family. Business strives to sell its products. Governments want to influence our behaviour and our votes. The health care systems prescribe drugs. Schools tell us how to educate our kids. Churches tell us what is right and what is wrong. The banks tell us what to do with our money. The media want to shock us into buying what their advertisers sell.

Each of these big community systems has its own focus with huge resources to sell their ways.

How does the family cope in the face of such powerful influences? It faces two dimensions - the challenges inside and outside the family. The inside is always the tougher one.

The family needs to do what all the big forces do - find their unique mission focus. In sum, the family mission is wellness. Wellness has at least six key dimensions including fitness, learning, relationships, jobs and faith. The power base of each family is its blend of wellness dimensions.

The family needs to develop its inner strength before trying to deal with all the community forces exerting control. Family empowerment comes first from family wellness focus.

Next there is the challenge from all these controlling community forces. In our age, where does one find a power base? Happily the computer can become a major family wellness tool. How?

Knowledge is power. When the family organizes itself on its wellness base, it suddenly has power and leverage with big systems. The family can develop its own knowledge system on its own computer.

Then what can happen?

Families can use their new medical information to dialogue with doctors about the best medication.
Families can discuss with teachers their specific educational goals for their children.
Families can keep the only up-to-date family health and school records.
Families can set their own improvement goals for their relationships.
Families make clear for themselves their unique wellness mission.
Families can explain to clergy their spiritual needs.

The perils facing the families are clear. Now the family wellness ways must become equally clear – the computer is waiting to do that job. Tell us how your family is doing with this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2009-04-03T11:12:00.001-04:00

JOINING SHAPES OUR FAMILIES

What is this all about? The proposition is this: Just as our words and language create human communication, so joining creates our families.

We are steadily learning that there is a big difference between hearing and listening. Now we are learning that this thing called “Joining” actually shapes our families.

To get at this let’s look at three levels of human communication: chatting, conversation and joining.

Most of us have lots of chat. We cover the world’s weather, national crises and Aunt Edna’s rheumatism. We can have a lot of chatting without much connection from all the talking. We fill our world with words either within the family, with others or from all the media. Shakespeare’s line is “Sound and fury signifying nothing”.

At the conversation level, things are different – talking, hearing and listening really happen. When the other person talks, I not only hear but I listen - which means I let his/her talk sink in. So at this level, in a conversation, there can be both hearing and listening - creating understanding between persons.

The claim here is that “joining” actually creates families. To better understand this, we had better see what “joining” really means. The word suggests one person actually joins the space of another. If I say to you “I’m having a lousy day”, you actually start to feel with me my lousy day. Even more importantly, if you respond with something like “I thought you looked a little down today”, that tells me you are with me.

What just happened here? One person left his own self concerns to move into the world of another. That is a very big deal. Why? Because two people forged a link. Relationships are built when two individuals join with each other by sharing what they are thinking and feeling - both ways.

Families are where our lives are intimately linked. The members are part of each other. Joining is how all this happens.

2009-03-09T14:15:00.002-04:00

HOW TO GET WELLNESS HELP FROM THE COMMUNITY

If we are worried about our wellness, our first instinct is to find help in the community. There are several problems with that. First, we need a clear picture of what makes us well. As we all know, wellness comes from a combination of diet, exercise, learning, praying, good relationships etc. Therefore we need some idea of what we need most.

So before we ask for help, we must decide what we need.

Next, we need a view of the community helpers. They are to be found in silos. For example, each church is a silo. Its walls are made up of beliefs, procedures and budgets. The silo is led by a particular profession. These silos are like the family - no time, too busy.

So when we knock on a silo door we find good folks who know quite a bit about one aspect of wellness. Churches aren’t experts in diet, exercise etc. They don’t have a full view of wellness and certainly not our wellness.

There are a number of big helping silos - health, education, social services and justice. Each with their walls and dominant professions - doctors in healthcare, lawyers in justice, etc.

The big community helping problem is that the big players have neither the time nor the ability to guide towards wellness - because wellness is the right combination of things for each individual. Only the family can do that.

So, a family looking for wellness help in the community must first be clear what wellness is needed. Then it can benefit from the right community agencies.

Part of the FAMILY CHALLENGE is finding what wellness your family needs. Do you know?

2009-02-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

THE FAMILY WAY TO WELLNESS

We all know how to be well: eat right, exercise, good relationships, prayer, be useful, learn and taste the arts. We also know that our wellness prevents illness; it helps us even if we do get sick. We are happier when we are well. Most of all we want our kids to be well.

So why aren’t we as well as we can be?

There are two big answers to that big question. First, we lose sight of our wellness because we are so busy and so distracted. Who has time to think about doing all the things that make us well? What a bind we are in!

Second, we have the habit of looking to someone else when we have a wellness problem. If we think we are sick we look on TV or the internet for a silver bullet. Or, we get a doctor’s appointment where we end up with some drug.

With the focus off our wellness and looking for someone else to help, we miss the wellness benefits.

So what do we need to do to be well? We need to take time to scan our wellness list to see what we most need doing. Then we need to do something now.

How can we get something done when we are so busy? A simple goal does the job - “In eight weeks I will take time to read a book I’ve always meant to”. How can I be sure I will bother? By writing the goal and result down and asking someone to help me keep track.

How will reading that book help my wellness? My rushing is unhealthy. Reading can break that cycle. By reading I stimulate my mind - learning is a big wellness step.

The way to wellness is to look up, take one small step then think about the next step a bit later.

As in all of the FAMILY CHALLENGES, stopping to take time even for the smallest thing takes effort. Tell us how you do with your first “small step”.

2009-01-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

LOOK WHAT THE FAMIY IS MISSING

We are a entering a new age of thinking. In the old thinking we used ideas like “cause and effect”. In that idea, we define the need (effect) which leads to the cause of the problem. With old thinking it suggests that there is one cause for one effect.

In our new age thinking we see that there can be many different things causing the result.

Here is an example from the old thinking. We can consider well-being coming from either fitness or faith. On any Sunday morning, the parking lot for the fitness center has cars full of folks who are dedicated to fitness as their source of well-being.

Down the street the church parking lot is full of cars with folks for whom faith is the big answer to life. If we started a discussion with these two groups we would find each dedicated to their own thing and thinking.

While these two definitions of well-being seem miles apart both parties miss the obvious point - they both can be right. So each can miss the big secret - well-being takes a number of good things to get the desired result.

This is the situation facing our super rushed families. To enjoy well-being these families now have to ask the question: “What are the dimensions of wellness?”

The Wellness Resource Center of Vanderbilt University has an interesting answer: The Wellness Wheel. In their model, wellness has six pieces in their pie. The pieces include: Social, Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual, etc. It is the combination and balance of these that make for wellness.

What is our family missing? Our search for wellness is to be found in the combination of many good things in which they develop balance.

So, the fitness and the faith families need to chat to see how they can help each other.

In this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE, do you know what YOUR family is missing in its search for Family Wellness?

2009-01-08T08:07:00.001-05:00

WELLNESS BY LEARNING

We all start learning the day we are born. By experience, we learn the basics through experiences with adults. Throughout is the big teacher life, we continue to learn by experience for better or for worse. Experience is the big teacher.

We are born with intellect. But intellect is not one thing. It is many different things and different kinds. Each has his own unique intellect and genetic gifts. So, learning by experience must suit our particular make-up. Helpful learning must therefore be shaped for individual needs. Learning for one may not help the learning for another. So, learning can’t be prepackaged.

Then we have schools. The root meaning of “education” is to lead out. Our schools have become huge and our education has become standardized and bureaucratic. Teachers have standardized teaching methods. These undergo periodic change as views change about best teaching methods. The correlation between teaching and learning continues to be uncertain.

In our day, families depend on schools for their children’s education. Families view education as the key to a child’s future. Huge family and public expenditures support all this. Unfortunately, there is little evidence that education is shaped to meet the needs of individuals. Nor is there evidence that more education means greater wellness.

Now, we all enjoy the world wide internet for information. Every conceivable question is being answered by reliable resources. We and our children are now all internet students. As we speak, learning and education are going through a revolution. Expertise is shifting from the professionals to the families. We are now all equipped to make good learning for us and our families.

The Internet equips families with resources for:

1. Learning experiences
2. Information for decision-making
3. Learning through schools.

It also provides reliable internet resources for all these areas.

Today’s big, bald fact is that learning happens mainly at home, work and in the community. Families need to face this fact and challenge, and take back direct responsibility for their children’s learning. Then they can ensure that their child uses schools and work and the community for his/her unique learning experiences.

2008-12-19T04:38:00.002-05:00

THE FAMILY MEDIC CRISIS

Medicine is a great boon to us all. Doctors are one of the few professionals pledged to take responsibility for their patients. In our uncertain age it is refreshing to find someone who cares enough to do something for us.

Modern medicine and we face several crises. While the medical specialties have brought miracles, they unfortunately come in tight little packages. The result is that it is very difficult for doctors and families to find the right combination of help when there is more than one challenge - which is usually the case.

The big crisis in medicine is called case responsibility - who is responsible for the whole person and family? Who has the full picture of all the needs and services? Who sees that things get coordinated? GPs are in the best position to do this but they are either too busy or don’t have the case management skills.

As a big result, we have crises and tragedies. The some 40,000 U.S. deaths due to hospital errors is one result. Silver bullet, specialist treatments often fail because no one sees the whole picture. We humans are biological, social and spiritual beings and one dimension cannot be understood without the rest.

This whole scene has got so bad, so inefficient and so tragic, that someone has to take charge. Guess who? Right. We families have to become our own case managers. Someone must have our whole picture. We now have the know-how from the internet. In a half hour, we can learn more about our condition that our GP could ever get time to study.

So, medicine of our future must become a partnership between family and doctor, or psychiatrist, or counselor or pastor. We are in charge of our lives. We need to politely take charge and learn how to help our helpers become a partner without losing their own professional status.

Let's hear your thoughts on this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-12-04T16:31:00.002-05:00

FAMILY ENEMY NUMBER ONE

Family solidarity is our greatest treasure. It nurtures children’s well-being. It provides security for its members. It is our most reliable source of caring. It is with us when we are dying.

Fragmentation is the enemy of family solidarity. Inside and outside forces create splits. Relationships get shattered. Children become victims of neglect, abuse and addictions. All sorts of neurotic patterns get imbedded.

There are some clear community forces that promote family fragmentation. Here we list some in the interest of identifying “Family Enemy Number One”:

Phony Beliefs: We are offered an endless list of fixes for every possible life problem. Many of these have a money motive. Some are innocent. Others promote selfish and negative thinking. Few have stood the test of time. The number of choices is bewildering. Those without a firm belief easily become victims.

Debt: We have banks, financing schemes, reverse mortgages, etc. which makes us slaves to the dollar. Debt splits families by putting money first and sending members out on individual jobs. Debt distracts parents from their primary job of child nurturing.

Media: The right word for media is “Extreme”. The news, the entertainment and the ads keep pushing the extreme boundaries. In our fast age, their purpose is to get attention. Their impact is to sully our values giving us a coarse way of life. Children are helpless in the face of media information and glitz.

Rights: It is popular to support some “rights” efforts. This happens with enthusiasm without attention to the cost. Rights have to do with law. Laws mainly apply to individuals. However, when one individual’s rights are increased others are diminished. Among men, women, children and seniors in a family, when one gains new rights it is at the expense of the others and the family. For some strange reason the family is not seen as a legal entity and there are few family rights efforts. Who has a family view of rights?

Our purpose here is to ferret out “Family Enemy Number One”. In the process we get a clearer view of the powerful forces putting families on the ropes.

Tell us who you think is “Family Enemy Number One” in our endless battle to meet THE FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-11-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

BOOMERS - WAKE UP, YOUR ALARM IS RINGING!

The Boomers are the generation who brought us our social philosophy - “Do your own Thing”.

In the space of one generation we turned our backs on the wisdom of our parents, on the authority of schools and on the relevance of the churches. Thanks to them we are now a materialistic, amoral and godless society - getting more so every day.

The essence of the philosophy is that I, an individual, am able to make better life judgments than the family, school and church which were our social foundations.

To help along this belief are both governments and businesses. Governments want our votes so they package up fancy “individual rights” (plus regulations). Businesses target individuals to sell us every possible item to make us successful.

The big problem is that the “Do your own thing” philosophy is directly opposed to the philosophy that says “It takes a tribe to raise a child”. Our addiction to individual freedom is shredding families as each person does his/her own thing.

The Boomers are quick to say we are giving our children the freedom to make their own social, moral and spiritual choices. The problem with that is they are not being given the options. The social, moral and spiritual lessons are not learned in school or from books. They come from their family and community experiences. These are the essentials children now do not have.

It is a tough, nasty and selfish world out there. Our children and grandchildren are being tossed into that world without the survival skills.

SO WHAT? It’s back to the family. The Boomers need to rediscover the family and rebuild it with all the players of all ages. That does a number of good things. It provides security for each person. It shares the wisdom and experience of those who have been there. It provides a personal identity, saving them from unhealthy identities offered by our unwell society.

Share with us your family’s methods of passing along wisdom and experience with this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-11-07T15:57:00.000-05:00

FAMILY - THE MISSING LINK

We are working hard to get ahead but are often falling further behind. We drive in faster cars and don’t have time. We can’t keep up with the new technology or the new drugs. We are surrounded by big problems of crime, addictions and garbage.

Our society can’t solve the big problems of terror, school shootings, HIV and death on the roads. Abortion, mercy killing, gay lifestyle and the ozone layer are unsolved challenges. We are using too much power, cutting down too many trees and using up too much water. We are living longer but can’t care for the elderly.

The magic of science is our big hope to live longer, better and healthier. Yet we all are going into big debt to pass on to our children. Darwin wrote “The Origin of Species” but with all the science advances, we still don’t have the answer to the secrets of life.

We are living in an age of spiritual upheaval. The older religions are consumed by political, financial and interracial issues. Instead of clear guides to living, we have ugly competing theories. None seem able to demonstrate the good life.

Enough already! How can the family handle all this? How can an individual handle all this? The answer is that the solo person cannot. It’s too much; the forces are too big and powerful. The individual cannot survive on his/her own.

But, biology has the big clue. It knows that a body is made up of cells. When cells work right, the body works right. When the body works right, it can use its God-given gifts to live well.

Those old religions had the right theory - The universe is designed so that bodies can exist and live together. That theory says we need to be together in belief and action. The trouble with the old religions is that they have lost sight of their unique secret. Togetherness is everything.

So, the family is the missing link. Its big secret is togetherness. When a family has that, its members have the support that they need to live well in this challenging modern world.

2008-10-18T20:41:00.000-04:00

DOES OUR FAMILY WORK HARD?

Some find it hard to believe that work is as satisfying as most other good things in life. But experience says “nothing comes easy” - career, hobby, relationships and health. Everyone wants happiness - it comes either like magic or by hard work. You can’t buy it, it is the byproduct of doing something right.

If we want a nice home, that means a lot of work. If I want a good job, that means work. If I want to play an instrument, that means work. If I want a good friend, that means work.

The big misunderstanding is that the work is at least half the fun. In other words, work has a bad name. Maybe work is really a good word.

The good from work is huge. We use our minds and bodies and learn that discipline leads to success. Nothing comes easy. Few satisfactions match the sense of accomplishment when we get it right. When that happens, we have something that stays with us, no matter what. Once I learn to play the guitar, I can always go back to it. My accomplishments become part of my self-image for life.

There are a number of big misuses of work. The most usual is making work an addiction. In this case work becomes an escape from life. It crowds out many other important things. This happens for some because they are afraid to be still and think. They probably are carrying past problems that bring them shame or fear - so it’s easier to shut them out with work. That’s what some do using high volume music or noise.

The other main work mistake is “working to retirement”. This is getting to be old fashioned partly because retirement is now less available. Still, too many look on work as the necessary evil to get where they really want to be. The thought is “If I work hard and save, then I can stop work and enjoy myself”. That hardly ever happens. What does happen is a person stops work and looks around hoping to find the fun.

It is said we humans are “goal-seeking beings”. We all want something. This says we don’t get anywhere without a goal and an effort. This also says that the wise person learns that the “getting there” usually can be as good as the result.

2008-10-02T08:01:00.001-04:00

THE FAMILY IN A TECH WORLD

Want to know something? Now we go to the internet. Does this mean that the internet knows all we need? Does it know as much as God? Does it mean that the internet knows better than our own family? This is going to be one of our biggest questions.

What does our family know that the internet doesn’t? That’s an even better question. Let’s see:

The internet doesn’t know me, my parents, brothers and sisters and all our other family members. So the internet knows lots about families in general but not my family specifically. Even as the internet collects all sorts of financial, educational, medical information about us - it still doesn’t know about us.

As Google digs deeper and deeper, sounds like we need to get clearer and clearer how we are special and unique - something Google can never know.

Google knows our illnesses but not our healthy attitudes.

Google knows our money but not our priorities.

Google knows our religion but not our beliefs.

Google knows our family stats but not our closeness.

Google knows our education but not our special talents.

Google knows all about our house but not our home.

Google knows our cars but not our energy conservation.

Google knows all our stuff but not our environmental interests.

Google knows our work but not our community contributions.

Google knows our taxes and donations but not our generosity.

While Google knows practically everything about everything, IT doesn’t know us and our family.

So, while we make good use of Google, we should not let Google distract us from what really makes our family:

Family attitudes, Priorities, Beliefs, Closeness, Talents, Home, Contributions, Interests, Generosity, Caring for Community and the Environment.

This is our FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-09-15T09:23:00.004-04:00

CAN FAMILIES MAKE DECISIONS?

Mostly, families are terrible at making decisions. Some try the big boss approach. Some use sweetness to control. Some make big discussions that go no where. Others make decisions that split the family into camps.

Why are decisions so tough? The main reason is that there are too many different ideas how decisions should get made, such as:

The leader decides.
Everything must have a full consensus vote.
Each person knows what is best for him/herself.
We do things the way our parents always did.

These views forget one big thing - the family is one - a living body. In that body are individual members with individual gifts and needs. To be a family requires honouring both the family unit and each member.

How do we do that and still get daily decisions on time and in time?

The answer is fairly simple. The family discusses the question, listens to the view of each, and then finds a way that works for all.

What is the payoff from this approach?

The whole family has decided together.
All were there and had their say.
All know how and why the decision was made.
Therefore, all have committed themselves to doing it.
It saves time spent in misunderstandings and disagreements.

Why is this not happening in most families?

Our parents haven’t the experience.
Our schools, churches and clubs don’t get it.
Our businesses and governments promote individual decisions.
We are all afraid to really trust our family.

It is going to take time before we realize that we are one first. We become great persons out of the oneness of the family. As Bill Bryson says, after his massive study of all world sciences, “We are One”.

Our families have many challenges they must meet over the course of their lives, and making decisions as a family has to be one of the greatest. How does your family meet this FAMILY CHALLENGE?

2008-09-03T09:16:00.001-04:00

DOES OUR FAMILY LOOK INSIDE OR OUT?

There is a family that works hard, sees that kids do their best in school, keeps the house, car and themselves neat and clean. They are a tightly knit family, doing things together and keeping out of trouble.

There is another family that looks a bit weird. They, their children, house, car and yard never look neat or really clean. The house is noisy, untidy and dusty. The phone and the internet are on all the time. Nobody seems to have time for meals or social events. Each seems too busy at something.

The main business of this family is somewhere else. They are out volunteering, cleaning some creek or road, writing letters to the editor and asking neighbors to help at the local youth drop-in center.

For the first family, home is the center of life. It is safe and clean and everybody is working to keep it that way. For the other family the focus is somewhere else - the community or the world.

The first sees the family as the nest where folks are safe and each knows where he/she belongs. The second, home is like a military base camp, from which members’ spring into action.

The second family understands that families depend on the community for their resources and support. In their view, it is vital that the family makes its best contribution to the community. They see the first family as isolated and bordering on selfishness.

It is easy to see how each could have problems. The first could get ingrown, self centered and isolated from the community. The second could be doing so much good those family members get lost in the shuffle and neglected.

Obviously, both are right and each can be very wrong. So the right balance comes down to vision - how does the family see itself. Are they taking time to consider where they are going or are they so busy they are aimless?

This means that those that take family life seriously have a strategic job before they get themselves lost in their busyness.

Is your family looking out or in? Let’s hear from you on this FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-08-21T07:18:00.004-04:00

IS OUR FAMILY HAPPY?

Most people most of the time are not happy, that however doesn’t mean most are depressed. It does means that there is a lot of living between happiness and depression.

When we start a day we are hopeful, maybe optimistic but also a bit concerned. So each family member starts the day somewhere between happiness and depression. Family happiness depends upon how each individual is feeling. That would seem to lower the odds for family happiness today.

All this is good or bad depending on how much importance we place on happiness. There is a good chance that happiness has been oversold as a life goal - which means there’s something greater. There is. There is satisfaction, joy, love, accomplishment, positive attitude, health, optimism and so on.

So what happened to happiness? It didn’t disappear; it just found its place. That place is as a by-product of the many good things in life. It is the icing on the cake which comes from baking a good cake in the first place.

When we want our family happy, all this means is that it can’t be bought in a bottle or a tube or a magic formula. Happiness is a gift that comes, not a goal that can be achieved.

Is our family happy? There is a good chance if the family:

Shares together
Works together
Plays together
Helps others together
Prays together Grows together

Happiness is like most family benefits - is a gift which comes and goes like magic - always surprising and always wonderful.

2008-08-01T10:57:00.000-04:00

IS OUR FAMILY LEARNING?

We and our families are pretty confused about learning and education. We assume that children learn in school. But there, they can learn as many wrong things as right things. Some children who are academically gifted learn well in school and go on to higher education regardless. That is not the case for most of us.

Two big things we too easily forget. First, most important childhood learning occurs at home - good and bad. So, parents can’t assume that their children can get educated in the school systems. Second, we forget that most learning happens through experience. We forget that most of the lesson material from school is forgotten as soon as we get out the door.

It is a wonder that work has lost its appeal for learning. There, we learn from our successes and mistakes. Work gives lots of opportunity for learning under good supervision. Schools can never replicate these learning opportunities.

Besides, the school systems have developed their own serious mistakes. Bigness has required standardized learning when learning can only be individual and then social. Bigness has created educator clubs that demand high pay, security and all the fringe benefits.

Worst of all, our high paid educators have turned control of their classes over to the kids. Parents threaten lawsuits to get their way with schools. Kids use that trick. Using threats of fights or litigation, the kids have taken control of schools so that we end up with some weird juvenile culture.

It is sad that families have allowed teen rebellion to take on astronomic proportions. It is true that teens need space to try their wings. Like birds however, they still need the strong nest nearby. Parents, like teachers, have given in to the teen tantrums and in the process have lost control. No wonder schools are now drug riddled and open for gun warfare.

If learning and education have got this bad, the correction can only come from the families. Nobody else has the power or the guts to turn our loose, juvenile culture into a work oriented learning process.

Let’s hear your thoughts on this FAMILY CHALLENGE.

2008-07-17T09:41:00.000-04:00

DOES OUR FAMILY TALK?

Some folks talk too much; others talk too little. Some are always serious; others love small talk. Some are worth listening to; others are not. What do we do with all this in our family?

The poets and authors praise good conversation. They claim it is our greatest gift. So what makes conversation good? Small talk is essential because it can keep things interesting and light hearted. It needs to be balanced, however, with talk that carries more important messages. Information on the weather is usually helpful but talks need to turn at times to more personal things. Talk without guts is flimsy and without influence. The weather can’t compete with the pain of a big speeding ticket.

Good talk is as much about emotions as about words. Most of us are not good at sharing emotions in constructive ways. The art of dialogue is not just listening but also watching and wondering. The way a person talks says as much as the words.

So the skill of dialogue starts with a focus on the other person. The response needs to fit what is seen and heard. Only then can I share what’s on my mind. Until then, I can say a lot but I will likely not be heard. At this point we no longer have dialogue we have monologue.

Families have their own talk patterns. Some members talk more than others. Usually in the family there is someone who listens, that’s the person who can help the family talk helpfully. The person who listens can support and encourage the talker so he/she doesn’t need to keep going. The listener can also draw out from the talk a good point someone made but no one heard. Families need as many listeners as they can get.

In family dialogue, there is an important place for the person who can sum things up. After long conversation, it is easy to lose sight of what is worth remembering. Usually it is the role of a parent or other adult to put the lid on things. Sometimes a teenager sees things more clearly than anyone else.

Probably the poets and authors are right – good talk is the best there is for families.

So put the question to yourself and your family – Does my family talk?

2008-07-03T08:53:00.001-04:00

WHO COMES FIRST: ME OR MY FAMILY?

For most of us this is a silly question. If I put myself second to the family I turn into a non-person. I lose my identity and self-worth. I become a wimp following whatever the family says. I have a mind of my own. I have talents and I will do what I think is best guided by my own conscience.

On the other hand:

Let’s suppose that my family is a team - meaning we all decide together what is best for the family and what is best for each member. In this case, there is no boss telling me what I must do. Instead there are family members sharing their views as I explain what I think is best for me.

The family has a lot to offer. There is its culture, beliefs and experiences. There are people who want the best for me as well as the family. They have the advantage of a less biased view of what is best for me. In other words, I will hear ideas I would not have considered otherwise.

This team process is what has taken the business world a century to learn. For the company to be well off, it requires a team who will put company welfare first before individual wants. True, not all businesses are honest and scrupulous. Still, the big lesson is that with teamwork everybody wins.

If the business example is suspect, then try the spiritual example. The great religions, at least in theory, say that we find ourselves and our purpose through the fellowship as believers. They even claim that God Himself supports such team efforts.

So, the big question still is: Who is more important, Me or My Family?

If we have trouble with both business and spiritual references, then we can try science. Bill Bryson in his book “A Short History of Nearly Everything” demonstrates that in the entire universe there is no living thing that can exist solo. In biology and astronomy, the relationships in the body are the only things that are alive. In other words, in all the universe life is only to be found in groups of relationships. Ditto the family. In the universe solo is death - so too in our world and with our family.

So ask yourself the big question - who comes first, me or my family?

2008-06-04T14:04:00.004-04:00

DOES OUR FAMILY MATTER?

Most families are related by blood, some by affection, some by purpose and some by activity. Whichever, it is the bonds that count. The family is where we belong - and everybody belongs somewhere.

The much bigger question today is “How much does the family matter?”

Here are some big reasons the family matters:

A child needs a family to be born and raised.
It takes parents at least 20 years before a child can leave home.
All family members need a place that is safe and supportive.
They need the money the family has.
Family life is the biggest part of education.
Personal beliefs have their origin in the family.
Who will bury you?

In the hubbub of daily living, we can lose sight of all the things that make a family great and successful. Strange that we take family life so much for granted – especially at this time, when families are being fragmented by our high speed, material world. In too many cases, children are suffering from disorders because family members are too busy and not well informed about family life.

Here are some ways that strengthen the family:

A family needs to get a vision of itself - why it’s vital.
The vision needs to be big enough: body, mind and spirit.
A family grows when all family members grow together.
Grandparents need a big part - they’ve already done it once.
Parents should be team leaders - bosses are unnecessary.
Families need to eat together, play together and pray together.

Here are good and quick resources for family life:

www.FamilyCybermall.org
www.Eye-on-the-Family.blogspot.org
www.NewHopeCoveants.org

Does your family have a vision of itself? Let’s hear from you by clicking on the comment button found below.

2008-05-08T09:20:00.005-04:00

IS OUR FAMILY SPIRITUAL?

Despite great world-wide confusion, the family spiritual issue is quite simple:

What’s it all about? That’s the question.

With all the possible different answers, each family faces the same question.

Can you imagine parents trying to raise their children without looking at that fundamental question? Yes, because it is happening. The spiritual questions are too confusing, so let’s leave it till later when we may need it.

Can you imagine turning kids loose in this mixed up world to find their own answer to the big spiritual question? Sure we can, if we forget kids look to us to see our answers so they have somewhere to start.

At the very least, kids need to know the spiritual choices. Parents need to know and share what the big religions say about our choices. There are four big ones:

Do I want to become better?

What do I believe – God? Fate? Luck? Prayer? Goodness?

Do I have a spiritual home or group? (Can’t get there alone)

Am I here to help others?

The many millions who have followed one of the great religions have learned that spirituality requires answers to all of these big choices.

So, is my family spiritual? The answer is “Yes”, if the members are actively helping each other with the four big spiritual questions.

Have a comment to add for this FAMILY CHALLENGE? Click on the "comment" button found below and let's hear from you!

2008-04-16T09:32:00.002-04:00

IS OUR FAMILY FAIR?

Our families have a tough time with this question because our society is confused and hung up about rights and freedoms. This huge confusion comes from several sources:

- Governments love to give rights to gain votes. Most of what they give we already have

- Lawyers make themselves rich bending laws in the name of personal rights

- Misguided religious, businesses and lobby groups try to sell freedom as the ultimate good

The only freedom that families need worry about is that inner freedom that doesn’t come from laws, lawyers or do-gooders. The great religions and the great disciplines know that inner freedom is the only one that counts.

So what are the big lessons families need:

1. We are born free to make our big choices

2. Freedom to be ourselves is found first in the family

3. There are no society’s “freedoms” that are safe

4. Inner freedom is a matter of spiritual choice

The juvenile cry of our day is “It’s not fair”. Translated this means “I want my own way.” Too many are living in self imposed misery believing their way is the right way.

The wise family response is: “Your way doesn’t come before the family way.” We each need a check on our primitive impulses. That lesson is one of the best gifts parents can give to their children.

Give us your thoughts on this latest FAMILY CHALLENGE by clicking on the comment button found below.