Nothing If Not Critical

Week 38: Fin-tastic!!!

2007-05-21T18:29:00.000+01:00

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...to Pittodrie where Aberdeen clinched the final Uefa Cup place, and a money-spinning glamour trip to Tbilisi, with a convincing 2-0 win over Rangers.

Fortunately for the Dons, Walter Smith's side seemed to have already settled into the departure lounge ahead of their imminent post-season stateside friendly with the out-of-this-world LA Galaxy. David McCarthy in the Daily Record reckoned "Rangers had put their tools away all right but Aberdeen turned up with their donkey jackets on and their desire to get the job done was always going to outweigh the visitors' on a pulsating afternoon." The Herald's Ultimate Football Writer Darryl Broadfoot also thought "Rangers' token motivation ultimately proved insufficient to sustain them against a rabid Aberdeen side", after a "tepid start disguised as a contest that simmered gently before coming to a compelling boil." Did you see that - tepid to simmering to boiling? Fantastic stuff. I'm going to miss it.

At Easter Road Hibernian managed their first win since the discovery of Jupiter's moons, with a 2-1 victory over Celtic, in a match dominated by reports of the majesty of Scott Brown, who wasn't so majestic last week but that was before he was an Old Firm player. Elsewhere, Kilmarnock broke Hearts...I felt compelled to do that...with a 1-0 win at Rugby Park, while Dunfermline "got savaged" according to Scotland On Sunday's Tom English, by 3 goals to zip by Falkirk at East End Park.

Elsewhere though, people paid good money in expectation of a decent savaging, but were ultimately disappointed. Frank Gilfeather, who I feel for a great deal as he seems to have witnessed some of the worst games of association football ever recorded, was forced to sit through another dreadful 90 minutes of goalless action at Tannadice featuring the combined 'talents' of Motherwell and Dundee United, and could only conclude in his report in the Herald that "in the end everyone was happy to head for the nearest television set to watch the FA Cup final". Its quite quaint that Frank still thinks in terms of television 'sets' which conjures up images of chunky brown boxes with a big dial and three channels, which he probably has, underneath the flying ducks. Either that or a 60-inch Hi-Def Samsung, the other side of the hot-tub.

Sadly, Frank wasn't the only one left dissatisfied after the final game of a very, very, very, long, hard campaign that only a blind, and rather simpleminded, mother could love. The Herald's Graeme Telfer watched Inverness CT beat St Mirren by a single goal at Love Street before delivering this Beckett-esque pearl, which perhaps sums up the entire SPL season 2006/2007:

"The bulk of this contest was played to the backdrop of torrential rain and a howling wind that diminished any notion of entertainment to a cruel, schadenfreudic pleasure at seeing professional footballers reduced to thrashing around hopelessly in the maelstrom."

Ah, the press pups are hard to please it is true, for they are nothing if not critical.

Week 37: Do Dandy-droids Dream of Electric Sheep?

2007-05-14T19:52:00.000+01:00

Neil Lennon's latest, but sadly not last, "big adios" to Scottish football took up most of column inches in reports of the penultimate weekend of the season. Apart from proving that the 35-year-old midfielder should perhaps consider a touring career as an insult comic, his almost-farewell gig also provided an example of the ugly, unacceptable divide that permeates the SPL, not just in the West of Scotland but across the entire nation - those journalists with book deals and those without.

Witness the following descriptions of Lennon's performance in Celtic's 2-1 defeat of Aberdeen at Celtic Park:

1) Martin Hannan in Scotland On Sunday and ghostwriter of "Man and Bhoy" the autobiography of Neil Lennon -

"Lennon was peerless in his holding midfield role."

2) Darryl Broadfoot in The Herald and not ghostwriter of "Man and Bhoy" the autobiography of Neil Lennon -

"It was hardly a vintage display."

Remember it's all about opinions, as listeners to football phone-ins are always reminded, in a vain bid to add some credence to the huge quantities of aural bile swilling around the regional, brackish backwaters of digital radio.

Luckily the sideshow of 90 minutes of football which accompanied Lennon's almost final farewell gave the assembled hacksters something they could come to some sort of agreement on. Patrick Glenn in the Observer thought it "one of the liveliest games seen in the premierleague in recent months", while the Sunday Herald's Natasha Woods noted "an entertaining encounter; the result not certain until the very end."

St. Mirren's 3-2 away win over Motherwell contained a similarly healthy suspense-to-minute ratio, featuring a suitably impressive rally from the visitors at 2-0 down, and, of course, guaranteed the Buddies another year in "the big-ish show". Sadly for their supporters, Motherwell are also condemned to another year of SPL football although there might not be that many of them around to watch next season as the Daily Record's Colin Duncan touched on in his report. "Fir Park was littered with seasonticket books at the final whistle," noted Duncan, "as the disgruntled home crowd expressed their disgust at a pitiful collapse by tossing them on to the pitch." Quite a gesture - throwing away your pass at the last home game of the season. As a protest, certainly right up there with Gandhi's best work.

Similarly unloved, although well-scarfed, Hibernian manager John Collins probably wishes he could throw away his entire goalkeeping staff after another mistake from Hibs No1. Andy McNeil contributed to a 2-0 defeat at Tynecastle to burly city-sharers Hearts. In fact the Sunday Herald's Alan Campbell reckoned "a whole new defence may be required after this dismal performance", while the Herald's Rob Robertson thought Hibs "were played of the park". Rangers also turned in a jaw-droppingly average performance to lose out to Kilmarnock in a 1-0 anti-thriller at Ibrox, while Falkirk bettered Dundee United 2-0 in a similarly meaningless affair.

Paris Hilton may be facing a 45-day spell in the cooler for her crimes against intelligence, but her plight pales in comparison to poor old Dunfermline who now face at least a year before any chance of parole in the Abu Ghraibh of soccer that is the Scottish Football League. The Pars conceded two late goals to lose their match with Inverness CT 2-1, but more importantly they gave up their Premier League status as well, just when it seemed they might just do enough to save themselves from the drop. Scott Davie in the Scotsman thought Dunfermline "metaphorically mimicked Steve McQueen crashing his motorcycle into the barbed wire just when he looked to be home free", in what was one of the slightly better "Great Escape" references of the day.

Sadly though, there was only one successful breakout at the weekend and he just walked out the door - quite slowly though, despite his little legs going like the clappers.

Week 36: Vote for the SPL! Independence works!

2007-05-07T09:52:00.000+01:00

At a time when Scotland continues to reflect on the inability of her 'leaders' to organise an election, or indeed the proverbial brewery knees-up, it was comforting to note that the staging of decent football matches also appears to be somewhat beyond the borders of her ambition.

Witness the rather remarkable outpouring of angst by sportswriters following Falkirk's 1-0 home win over Inverness CT, a torrent of reflection not seen since the Buddha decided to pause for a while under a rather shady fig tree. In saying that, at least he got a religion out of it.

"There comes a point in every football supporter's life when they wonder what on earth drives them to bear witness to grown men toiling around a patch of grass," pondered Ryan Taylor in the Herald, the knife only inches from a major artery. Still he can always go round to Darryl's and watch grown men toiling around a patch of matting in a cage, which should be of some comfort. Nevertheless poor Ryan was not alone; an unhappy press pack were lining up to bash what little football was on display. The match inspired Alan Gallacher of Scotland On Sunday to bemoan "season by season a spirit-crushing league formation kept together by greed-fuelled self preservation, with scant, if any, regard given to the paying punter who has to pay hard-earned money to watch this sort of tired, jaded borefest." The game also led the Sunday Herald's Dave Hammond to put forward an end-of-season theory of his own: "Football does not have to be dull. Even end of season run-outs should contain something of interest. This is, after all - whether you like it or not - part of the entertainment industry."*

*I agree with 1) as I have been fortunate enough to see football played anywhere else other than the SPL, and I can confirm that despite warnings circulating to the contrary, it is possible to make three consecutive passes without exploding. As regards 2), how about a seal who can do keepie-uppies with a haddock. Sadly 3) is too weird to even speculate on - imagine Scottish football being 'entertaining'?

In a country which struggles to put a cross in a box, it was refreshing to see the Polish master of the art, Artur Boruc, make another tit of himself following Celtic's ignominious 2-0 defeat to Rangers at Ibrox. Sadly Boruc's post-match flag show - now that's entertainment - failed to distract attention from another poor performance from the visitors, and the assembled scribes were in no mood to let a prime opportunity to criticise slip through their slightly mangled and most certainly grubby paws.

Patrick Glenn in the The Observer watched "a defeat that betrayed the Scottish champions' frailties as currently incurable" in "a largely pedestrian and untidy contest", while The Scotsman's Glenn Gibbons thought Celtic's "lameness of their resistance to Rangers' ambition dishonoured their status as champions". Phil Gordon in the Independent On Sunday carried on the shoeing, seeing the performance of Gordon Strachan's side as "a meek and shoddy capitulation to their rivals that will be unacceptable to their fans", and the Daily Record's Keith put it in all it's tabloid short-sentenced glory: "This was not just a defeat. This was an embarrassment." Take that.

Talking of embarassing, Hearts were unable to put any further pressure on Aberdeen for a UEFA Cup place following the 1-1 draw between the sides at Tynecastle, while St Mirren enhanced the likelihood that they will be playing SPL football next season - lucky them - with a 2-0 away win at Dundee United.

Sadly these games didn't produce any tears unlike Kilmarnock's 1-0 win over Hibernian at Easter Road. "How [this] Hibernian side did not win this match is beyond comprehension," wept a disappointed Richard Moore in Scotland On Sunday. "Seldom can a team have had so much possession, showed so much skill, energy and ideas, only to end up with absolutely nothing." Much like the Scottish Senior Citizens Unity Party then. Sad times.

Week 35: Fight for your right to party!!!

2007-04-30T19:18:00.000+01:00

The SPL title assured, Celtic staged their title barn dance on Sunday but sadly for the happy hoopers, the biggest bunch of cowboys in Scottish football were due in town and they weren't in the mood to stand at the back quietly.

"Hearts confirmed their status as Scottish football's least desirable house guests," reckoned Stephen Halliday in the Scotsman, "as they plundered what may prove to be a highly significant victory from Celtic Park to take the shine off the SPL champions' title celebrations and trophy presentation." The 'Kaunas Krew' are obviously unfamiliar with the right long established by custom that if there's a football party going on, and there's any pooping to be done, then the press have an exclusive monopoly. I believe the entitlement was first mentioned in a letter to King James VI from a privy councillor in 1605: "It being well nown the right to defekait, doth rest sole with the furth estate."

The scene after Hearts' 3-1 win was even enough for the Daily Record's Keith Jackson to go all Martha Stewart: "Here's a tip. Next time you're throwing a party do yourself a favour and remember not to ask Hearts," no doubt throwing the guest lists of East-coast party planners into chaos. The result also set Jackson up for a journey into the sublime as he noted that the "visitors had managed to rain on the parade. In fact, you could say they Pospisiled all over it." You can't learn that, you're either born with it or you're not.

At Easter Road, Hibernian continued their policy of flattering to deceive with another decent performance and another diappointing result - this time a 3-3 draw with Rangers. Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought Hibs "played some lovely stuff and passed Rangers off the park," while The Observer's Patrick Glenn was transfixed by the " fluidity about Hibs' movement, with players changing positions at will, which often wrong-footed their rather pedestrian opponents." Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald summed the home side up as "vibrant, intoxicating and typically flawed", and Sheriff Tom English of Scotland On Sunday enjoyed "a raucous ol' affair, played at a dizzying pace".

At least the reporters at Easter Road could wag their tails a bit on the way home, as was the case for those who took in Motherwell's 3-3 draw with Falkirk. The game was " a bit of a thriller" according to Alan Campbell in the Sunday Herald, and Scotland On Sunday's Martin Hannan enjoyed "a wee belter of a match". Shame it took 35 games.

After all this 'enjoyment' in the SPL, it was with relief that Dundee United's 1-1 draw with Inverness CT was "lacklustre" according to Richard Moore in Scotland On Sunday, while Aberdeen's 3-0 win over Kilmarnock could barely summon an adjective from the watching scribes. The Dons are playing Hearts next week though - hope they weren't thinking of having a party. Things are looking up though for Dunfermline-based events organisers after the Pars' 1-0 win over St. Mirren at Love Street, a result which ensures some interest at the bottom of the table at least in the coming weeks. Who wants to fight for their right to party safe in the knowledge that no one from Gorgie will be invited? We shall see.

Week 34: We have a number one (and twos)

2007-04-23T19:30:00.000+01:00

In a weekend that saw 100 million litres of sewage pumped into Scottish waters, we should remember that a similarly toxic effluent has been swilling inside SPL stadiums for most of the season, passing itself off as a game called 'football'. But I suppose at least the league has a champion at last; a team whose treatment station seems to have functioned better than most - but not much.

Chief pumping sensei Shunsuke Nakamura's injury-time free kick gave Celtic a 2-1 win over Kilmarnock at Rugby Park, and the long-overdue SPL title which has been slowly decomposing on the table for weeks. But not for the first time this season it was a victory dipped in doubt over Celtic's genuine pedigree. Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman thought it was "only the thrilling climax and the celebrations which followed that distinguished this match from most of the others his team have contested in recent times". The title party also prompted Gibbons into a little philosophical enquiry: "It is one of the most notable paradoxes of occasions such as these that a universally recognised inevitability - in this case Celtic's retention of the title - can be accompanied by so much uncertainty." Wisley steering clear of any 'musings', The Herald's Lead Soccer Swami Darryl Broadfoot preferred to linger on the positives noting "the resilience that has characterised the champions' season was in plentiful supply" and "with the smell of freshly-polished silver lingering in the air, Nakamura, inevitably, providing the season's sheen." In fairness, there was a whiff of something else but I won't dwell on it.

Apart from a finely crafted opening goal, Hearts put in another suitably noxious performance at Ibrox where Rangers ran out 2-1 winners. Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought "the Tynecastle men were far too negative and boring to watch," while Sunday Herald's Michael Grant noted the traveling support witnessed a "superb opening goal, only for their team to retreat into themselves and barely create another threat". Sadly, apart from Barry Ferguson's acrobatic winner, the home side complimented Hearts lack of flair beautifully. Patrick Glenn in the Observer saw a surplus of "pedestrianism about much of the home side's play" and "a conspicuous lack of inventiveness in the Rangers midfield". A golden age indeed.

Events at Pittodrie, where Aberdeen and Hibernian drew 2-2, were similarly bereft of artistry, but at least Hibs had the consolation of solid reviews for their youthful line-up. At East End Park, Dunfermline gave themselves a chance of staying in the division with a 1-0 win over Dundee United and a display that Natasha Woods in the Sunday Herald thought was an "inspired and impassioned performance". It even led Scotland On Sunday's Richard Moore to ask "would you rather be a Dunfermline fan or a St Mirren supporter right now?" I believe they ask a similar question to captive individuals in Tennessee which involves choosing between a needle and a chair.

In Inverness, Alasdair Fraser of Scotland On Sunday watched "a disappointing game of football" as the home side beat Motherwell 2-0. Fraser thought the visitors were "lifeless and lacklustre", while Motherwell manager Maurice Malpas felt embarrassed enough by the display to state that "if the youth team played like that they would be dumped". Hopefully not in the Firth of Forth. Bit stinky.

Week 33: Krummier v. Krummier

2007-04-09T14:17:00.000+01:00

The country is divided once more. Upstairs - downstairs. Haves - have nots. The rubbish - the rubbisher.

But at least in week 33, in the last burp of egalitarianism in the SPL before the league splits, all 12 teams were focussed, united and committed to a final collective display...of mediocrity.

"For long periods this match was a synopsis of everything that has been wrong with a low-key SPL campaign," muttered the Guardian's Patrick Glenn, after a particularly harrowing 90 minutes, where Rangers squirmed past St. Mirren for a 1-0 win at Love Street. According to poor Patrick, whose Easter weekend was further ruined by a Sunday visit to Celtic Park - "a largely tedious thirty-third outing of the season" - St. Mirren were "untidy and bereft of class" while "woefully short of spark in the final third". Qualities which should stand them in good stead for next season should Dunfermline fail to catch their basement buddies in the next five games.

The Pars certainly made their cause more attainable with a 1-0 win over Hibernian at East End Park, while fellow bottom-sixers Inverness CT and Falkirk shared the points in a largely unremarkable 1-1 draw at the Caledonian Stadium.

All this talk of the the 'split' may have inspired Aberdeen's Lee Miller to give his rear cheeks an outing after the Dons' 4-2 home defeat to Dundee United, an act which the Herald's Frank Gilfeather referred to as an "epilogue", although perhaps not in the Herman Melville tradition. At least Ewan Smith in Scotland On Sunday had a good afternoon, labelling it "one of the most watchable games of the season" although it wasn't clear if this was applicable to the game as a whole or just the final flourish.

At Tynecastle, where thankfully all arses were kept hidden from view, with the exception of [insert name here...take your pick] of course, Richard Moore of Scotland On Sunday noted the Hearts "supporters had spent much of the afternoon in various states of puzzlement, anger and indignation" which is what they pay the £20 for after all. Nevertheless the home fans 'enjoyed' a 1-0 win over Kilmarnock which Rob Robertson of the Herald thought was "scrappy" and "ill deserved", unlike Jose Goncalves' red card which was another sublime refutation of Hearts' reputation as less of a football team and more of a mob in shorts.

As touched on earlier, events were no happier at Celtic Park where the champions elect took another agonising step towards the title with a subdued 1-0 win over Motherwell. Hugh Keevins in the Daily Record witnessed a display from Celtic which was "dire and fell well beneath what should be an acceptable level of performance", while the Sunday Herald's Michael Grant thought Gordon Strachan's side were "pedestrian and unconvincing in victory". As for poor Patrick Glenn, he could only note the "general blandness" of proceedings.

At least, thanks to the split, Patrick and the rest of us have 'meaningful' games to look forward to in the final weeks of the season. Pity they're not in the SPL.

Week 32: Sacre Boo !!!

2007-04-02T21:57:00.000+01:00

'Le Gaffer' may have ended his sorry winter tale some months ago - pursued by a Govan bear or two - but the spirit of the Paul Le Guen era, or lack of it, returned to Ibrox on Saturday as Rangers blundered their way to a 1-1 draw with 10-man Inverness CT.

"For the first time since Walter Smith returned to Ibrox, the sound of boos could be heard echoing around this famous old stadium as Rangers fans expressed their frustration at an insipid performance more akin to the sort turned in during the troubled tenure of Paul Le Guen," noted Natasha Woods in the Sunday Herald. The boos probably reminded Walter of the last time he was manager at Ibrox, before he exited stage right - pursued by a Govan bear or two. Nevertheless, The Sunday Mail's Euan McLean also reported "a performance straight from the bad old days under Paul Le Guen", as opposed to the good old days under Alex McLeish and Dick Advocaat, who both left, history tells us, pursued by a bear or two.

As for praise for Inverness, Darryl Broadfoot, The Herald's Chief Football Inspector, wasn't quite Shakespearean but he did go a bit medieval, in his eulogy to the honed mediocrity pedalled by the visitors: "Trapped in the pitiful, pointless dungeon of the bottom six, the Highlanders overcame their condemned status to inflict more untimely misery on another Rangers manager." Who would have thought that the phrase "pitiful, pointless dungeon" would ever feature in a report on football? Then again, it seems quite apt for the SPL.

Celtic's claim to be the biggest bad boy in the open prison that is the top six was futher disputed by a Dundee United side who scored late to share the points in a 1-1 draw at Tannadice. The Sunday Herald's Michael Grant thought Gordon Strachan's side "fluffed their lines again", in what is proving to be a tedious final act for Celtic, but Patrick Glenn in The Observer reckoned "the combination of United's spirit - complemented by forceful football - and their opponents' awkwardness on the pitch brought a contest that was precariously balanced and relentlessly intriguing."

Slightly less intriguing was Aberdeen's 2-1 away win over Kilmarnock, where "for an alarmingly large portion of this encounter, the prospect of winning the half-time draw prize of a McDonald Brothers CD was the most promising on the immediate horizon," according to The Herald's Richard Winton. Sadly, Falkirk's 2-0 home win over St Mirren and Motherwell's victory over Dunfermline at Fir Park, by the same scoreline, didn't even have that in their favour - not even a Chico single.

In the 'showpiece' game on Sunday, Hearts shylocked their way to a 1-0 win over Hibernian in a game that the Herald's Hugh MacDonald reckoned was "a series of fouls sometimes interrupted by a football match", although in fairness the interruptions were kept to a minimum. Nevertheless, Stuart Bathgate of the The Scotsman saw enough of something to come up with this pseudo-philosophical musing:

"Some old bloke with a crown on his head proved long ago that you cannot turn the tide, but Hearts proved something for themselves yesterday: that the contrasting fortunes of football teams are not akin to forces of nature, and that with diligence and desire it is possible to prevent what others may have regarded as inevitable."

Or maybe it just proved that it is possible to run a circus of a football team and get a bit lucky now and again. "Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered," said the Bard - submarines obviously included.

Week 31: Red Barmy

2007-03-19T19:58:00.000Z

In September 1938, Neville Chamberlain arrived back from Hitler's Germany declaring "peace in our time". Sadly, within a year, the Charlie Chaplin impersonator got itchy feet, moseyed into Poland, and the British Prime Minister's comments were shown to be as misjudged as the Guildford Four.

Yet Neville's display of naivety was nothing compared to Michael Hart's optimistic outburst before Aberdeen's trip to face Rangers at Ibrox, where the Aberdeen defender labeled everything red as superior to it's blue equivalent - defenders, wingers, strikers and Trotsky included. Rangers' subsequent 3-0 humping of the Dons, courtesy of a Kris Boyd trinity, must have come of a bit of a disappointment to Hart, but not to the waspish West Of Scotland press swarm.

The Sunday Mail's Mark Guidi took special, brutish delight in describing how Rangers "rammed those words down Hart's throat", while Iain King in The Sun engaged in a gastronomically based-asphyxiation metaphor, reporting that "within half an hour on Saturday Hart was choking on humble pie". The Evening Times' Darrell King decided against too much originality by noting the result left Hart "eating a massive slice of humble pie", which is certainly preferable to having it forcibly inserted close to a windpipe.

Standing back from the baying mob was Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald who thought "it was a wretched day for Aberdeen given that they arrived hopeful of a first victory at Ibrox in 15-and-a-half years and left bedraggled and beaten," but failed to mention baked goods, either real or figurative, which was to his credit. Sadly, someone receiving even less credit than the pie-stuffers was Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith who took a trademark dump in the brackish waters of the River Trite, reckoning the result secured the "runners-up berth that gives access to the Champions League qualifiers. Yesterday, though, they were an ocean apart. Abject defending drowned the visitors. It allowed Boyd to float on to the 24-goal mark..."

Someone else pedaling the same old 'yada yada yada' this weekend was Hearts coach Stephen Frail who was put in charge of excuse production after Hearts' capitulation at home to Dundee United, who fired four goals without reply. "We have a group of players who sit and talk and eat together - but all in their nationalities, and it's wrong," said Frail. "We have eight or nine Lithuanians who all sit together; the Scottish guys, young or old, sit together; and then we've a table of Europeans. If you don't talk to your team-mates, will you go out on the pitch and die for them?"

A bigger table is obviously the answer. Mike Aitken of the Scotsman, obviously ignorant of the difficulties in seating arrangements at the club, thought the home side put in a "travesty of a performance...lacking any collective passion for the cause, a combination of inept tactics and shoddy individual performances produced an embarrassing collapse."

Celtic may not be collapsing as such, but Gordon Strachan's side appear to be wobbling for the first time in a while. Back-to-back defeats in the SPL, the latest a 1-0 away loss to Falkirk, mean that the Championship party has had to be pushed back another week. At the Falkirk Stadium on Sunday, the Daily Record's Hugh Keevins watched "a Celtic side who have turned a procession towards the championship into an anti-climax on the back of their own ineptitude" - and you wonder why he's not popular - while the Scotsman's Stuart Bathgate at least gave the home side some credit for the win, citing the Falkirk's refusal "to let [Celtic] settle into their rhythm".

After 31 games, it was about time that Dunfermline found a little rhythm of their own a little and their 3-1 away win over Inverness CT has at least made the SPL relegation, backstreet cockfight a little less predictable. "Dunfermline won a priceless victory because they rolled up their sleeves and performed," reckoned Alasdair Fraser in Scotland On Sunday, an example Michael Hart and Aberdeen could do well to follow.

Week 30: Are we nearly there yet?

2007-03-12T20:01:00.000Z

If hard work and honest application were all that mattered in football then the SPL would be unanimously held as the greatest league in the world. Sadly, the rest of the planet have these dangerous ideas about 'skill' and 'technique' which cloud the issue somewhat. Nevertheless, it was a vintage weekend for graft, where some of the country's best workers busied themselves to perfection, in a manner which would have made Stalin weep with pride.

Consider the quality of grinding in the SPL showpiece that was Rangers' 1-0 win over Celtic at Parkhead. "This had all the aesthetic and artistic merit of the Ultimate Fighting Championships," reckoned the Herald's Darryl Broadfoot, before watering down his shrewd observation with the ambiguous "but was equally engaging." The fact that, in his own words, the Herald's Grand Vizier Football Writer is 'engaged' by the Ultimate Fighting Championships is surely a cause for concern for everyone, not least Mrs Vizier, if the two are not mutually exclusive. "El Gran Classico it was not", added Darryl more sensibly, in reference to Barcelona's 3-3 draw with Real Madrid on Saturday, where I'm told there were reports of more than three successful passes in-a-row. Difficult to believe I know.

If the Old Firm derby was as uncultured as ever, then Motherwell's 1-1 draw with Dundee United at Tannadice harked back to a time when barking at the moon was a sign of refinement. "The closing 20 minutes was reminiscent of a city street at kicking-out time, all menace and compromised movements, punctuated with the odd threat of violence," said Richard Winton in the Herald, sounding a little scared. Ewan Smith in Scotland On Sunday agreed that "technique and class may have been missing" from the match, but then arrested his decent into common sense by admitting the dubious spectacle was "sheer, unadulterated entertainment". Later that night Ewan took his Xbox 360 over to Darryl's house where they watched a DVD featuring greased-up Americans sadomasochistically booting each other, before a couple of games of 'Call Of Duty 3'.

Unbelievable as it may seem, Dunfermline's 0-0 draw at home with St. Mirren didn't break ranks with the rest of the weekend's SPL programme. The Observer's Patrick Glenn noted there was "rarely any shortage of frantic endeavour" and witnessed "the kind of thumping 'skills' that recall the old line about the ball having to be rushed to hospital. At times at East End Park, the joke threatened to come true." Indeed, the game was so bereft of quality that Stewart Fisher in the Sunday Herald wagered that "among neutrals watching...it might have been a popular suggestion that both [teams] should be relegated." I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand.

Kilmarnock's 3-2 win over Inverness CT at Rugby Park, and Hibernian's 2-0 win over Falkirk, were notable to the extent that the press pack didn't spend their time trying to come up with novel ways of expressing indifference, a quality which aptly described their attitude to the greater part of Aberdeen's 1-0 win over Hearts at Pittodrie. Frank Gilfeather in the Herald, who appears to have been fated by the football gods to watch endless games of crap football, reckoned it "was a miserable 90 minutes where skill was replaced by determination and diligence". But then - and I'd sit down for this - "out of the darkness came a shining light in the shape of a magnificent opening goal," according to the Sunday Mail's Gordon Waddell, just to prove that miracles do happen. The Sunday Herald's Michael Grant saw it too: "There was just one, fleeting moment of beauty at Pittodrie and Aberdeen made so much of it it gave them the most delicious of victories. Steve Lovell's early winner was so well crafted it shone like a diamond on a slagheap." Thankfully, the moment passed without imitation.

Week 29: Ice Cold Italics

2007-03-07T20:15:00.000Z

Celtic's 9000 point-lead in the league may be good news for the hoopsters, but the lack of competition in the SPL has absorbed the press pack's creative juices like a sheet of Bounty kitchen roll - just one sheet mind. Were it not for the oasis on the horizon that is Celtic's trip to Milan, I'm sure most of the word-poopers would gladly lie let their paws fall from the keyboard, lie down, roll over to expose their saggy tummies and bark 'adios'. Sadly, no one can be bothered anymore, and the writing is as featureless as the Sahara. What's more, some of the journos seem to be suffering from severe episodes of tedium-induced delirium. Consider the case of Scotland on Sunday's Moira Gordon, who watched Aberdeen's 2-1 away win over Falkirk, and then treated readers to the following automotive odyssey:

"For once this week, Jimmy Calderwood was relieved to pick up three points on his travels. Penalised for speeding, he received a six month ban earlier this week but that won't stop the Aberdeen boss trying to steer his players towards European qualification. While never really motoring in this one, the result keeps them in the driving seat for third place in the league and means that there is still hope they can overtake Rangers."

Moira's trite-o-meter obviously needs new batteries, but at least it was something to talk about - more than can be said for Hearts' 2-0 grind over Motherwell, or Rangers win over Hibernian by the same scoreline. Similarly, the most exciting thing written about Kilmarnock's win over St. Mirren at Love Street was that it was a "largely uneventful encounter" according to John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday. The Sunday Herald's Frank Gilfeather gave a similar downbeat precis of Inverness CT's win over Dundee United, tagging it a "less than impressive game". Interestingly, following Inverness' harsh Cup exit at the hands of Celtic last week, Alasdair Fraser of Scotland On Sunday thought the 1-0 victory "went some way towards redressing the imbalance in the universe", vindicating Buddhists everywhere, and allowing them to let out a collective sigh of relief, no doubt slowly ...and ... with... mind..ful... ness...of...brea...thing.

SPL life is indeed suffering, and if Celtic follow the weekend's 2-1 home win over Dunfermline with a quick exit from the Champions League in Milan, then the press pack might as well gather up their egos, their favourite squeaky toys and enough papoose to get them through the summer. Their primitive metaphor machines could certainly do with a MOT.

Week 28: Eat the pitch!

2007-02-19T20:31:00.000Z

Many excuses for the poverty of the banal sideshow that is the SPL have been led out, shamelessly whored and then left to rot by the side of the pitch until needed again the following fortnight. However, none of then, until Sunday's 'match' between Dundee United and Hibernian at Tannadice, actually ate the pitch.

It's a sad day when the football is so bad that even the local crane flies turn against you, but after the anti-spectacle that was the 0-0 draw between the sides, you can certainly sympathise with their motivation. "The daddy longlegs infestation that has been the talk of Tayside in recent days proved more interesting than what was on offer on a Tannadice playing surface ravaged by the larvae of those insects," commented a frustrated Frank Gilfeather in the Herald before going on to use the word "etymologists" in his report - no doubt a first for football reporting although you never know. The Scotsman's Alan Pattullo thought the surface "perfect for planting potatoes" which could probably earn United a lot more money, and plaudits, in the long term. Who knows, in a couple of years, they could branch out into organic asparagus and the chairman could sell them in his shops - morning, noon, and...early afternoon.

Dunfermline must also be considering alternative revenue streams given their proximity to black hole of Scottish football that is the First Division, the commercial production of some kind of goat's cheese maybe, but at least the Pars managed a goal in Saturday's 1-1 draw with Kilmarnock- their first since John the Baptist headed the winner in that 1-0 win over Nazareth Galaxy. Sadly, barely a worthwhile word was written about the match, as was the case with Motherwell's 1-0 home win over Inverness CT and Rangers' 2-1 victory over Falkirk, probably because all the poisoned pens were at Tynecastle where Hearts scraped a 1-1 draw with St. Mirren.

The match itself was largely ignored in reports with the press puppies preferring to dwell on the zoological predeliction of Vladimir Romanov, and his respect for their work. After serving trays of bananas and nuts to the assembled ~~mob~~ poets, not realising that they only eat raw papoose, the Sunday Herald's Alan Campbell speculated that Romanov "may or may not have heard a song by the Monkees being played over the tannoy, another oh-so-funny dig at the media, who he regards as inhabiting the safari park." He then added, rather chillingly - "we'll see who has the last laugh." Vladimir will, clearly, although the on-field performance of his team of goons was more Hale & Pace, than Ricky Gervais. "The bananas and nuts were rather tasty, the Hearts performance certainly wasn't," said Barry Anderson of the Evening News, in between mouthfuls.

Thankfully there were no nuts at Pittodrie on Saturday, bar the 16, 711 people that turned up to watch Celtic's 2-1 win over Aberdeen. "Gordon Strachan's side could hardly have wished for a more comfortable outing, " said Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman, while the Daily Record's Gordon Parks watched "as clear a case of minimal-fuss point gathering as you can get". Last word to the Sunday Herald's Michael Grant: "It is hard to believe this championship is still technically active given that Celtic broke the back of it about four months ago and have been effortlessly freewheeling towards their coronation ever since."

It would seem that only something of biblical proportions can stop the champions from defending their title in the next few weeks - a plague of daddy-long legs might not be enough.

Week 27: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the SPL party!

2007-02-12T20:56:00.000Z

In the beggars opera that is the SPL, the spotlight may shine brightest on Celtic's grand dame, but the press pack have long hankered for the more-attractive, younger understudy that is Hibernian's ingenue. How sad then when the show comes to town and on the biggest stage the country can offer, the starlet sings like a badger.

"This latest renewal of a fixture that is widely regarded as one of the most enthralling on the calendar generally failed to justify its reputation," howled a disappointed Patrick Glenn in The Observer after watching Celtic grind to to a 1-0 home win over Hibs. "Those who followed Hibernian would be at least mildly shocked by the abnormally cautious play of their team," added Glenn before stating that "Hibs' intention to place the emphasis on containment was obvious." "Gone was the Easter Road side's instantly recognisable adventurousness, camouflaged by a conservativeness which brought an unfamiliar tone," mused Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman, while The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot reckoned "amid great expectations, the aesthetic masterclass failed to materialise."

The Daily Record's Hugh Keevins thought "Celtic could be summed up in the two words" and, surprisingly, those words didn't rhyme with 'butter dish'. Rather, "grit and determination...could be patented and adopted as the club's official motto" according to Keevins, although the Sunday Herald's Michael Grant had two different words on his mind to sum up Celtic's form - "unspectacular" and "patchy".

If Hibernian's tenors are a little throaty, then Falkirk's seem to have succumbed to severe laryngitis. Dave Hammond of the Sunday Herald watched a "Motherwell victory against a Falkirk side who are beginning to look like a team in crisis", in match which was at times both "wind-lashed" and "sleep-inducing". The Sunday Mail's Ewan Smith noted a "lack of creativity, cohesion and class" in the game, which was agonisingly similar to the press poops' reaction to Dundee United's 1-0 win over St. Mirren at Love Street which was described by one unfortunate watcher as "football in its rawest form". Sadly, Rangers' 3-1 win over Kilmarnock at Rugby Park was equally as undercooked, with referee Dougie MacDonald taking centre-stage in a lifeless production.

The fare at Pittodrie was, if not sirloin, thankfully not tartare, and at least the Aberdeen public had a home win to warm their frostbitten limbs, in between emergency amputations. The Sunday Mail's Gordon Waddell watched the Dons "overcome abysmal conditions, and an almost-as-abysmal Dunfermline" to record a 3-0 win, which Richard Moore in Scotland On Sunday put down to the "effectiveness and effervescence of their strikers", making Darren Mackie and Steve Lovell the footballing equivalent of Alka Seltzer.

The Hearts supporters will probably need to plink-plonk a couple of tablets themselves as it's getting late at Vladimir's party, the music has stopped and the mood is turning a little nasty. Hearts may have squeezed past Inverness CT by a single goal, but the win didn't impress the assembled press pawers. "Anyone unfortunate enough to be at Tynecastle on Saturday saw football at its dullest and most unimaginative," moaned Colin Duncan in the Daily Record. "This was football the Lithuanian way - bland and boring." Or the SPL way perhaps. Still events in Gorgie have reached the level of tragicomedy, and an expensive one at that - a fact which hasn't escaped the attention of The Scotsman's Mike Aitken:

"What's most alarming, of course, is the high cost of this low standard," lamented Aitken. "With last week's accounts revealing debts of £28million and player wages of £10m a year, it defies all logic that Hearts should lack quality in so many positions. The news the club want to increase borrowings to £40m only adds to the sense of unease.

"All of which turned this onlooker's thoughts to Mel Brooks's comic musical, The Producers. The conceit of the show is that a producer would make more money with a huge flop than a big hit. The way things are going at Tynecastle, Max Bialystock should be on the board."

Springtime for Hearts is a long way away.

Week 26: Footie and the beast

2007-01-29T21:55:00.000Z

"So what on earth is the next move of a man who appears to be hell bent on systematically dismantling one of our country's greatest sporting institutions?"

Relax. Liz McColgan is safe. Rather The Daily Record's Keith Jackson was referring to chief ruddershifter Vladimir Romanov and his fiddling with Heart of Midlothian FC, which is certainly an institution of sorts these days. Certainly Keith wasn't impressed by Hearts' physical, but unambitious approach in Saturday's 0-0 draw with Rangers at Ibrox, or the dropping of Craig Gordon and Paul Hartley for reasons of 'football business'.

"[Hearts] are now playing like one of those Lithuanian sides which grub around the lower reaches of European football," reckoned Jackson, "and sometimes wash up on these very shores but never manage to make an impression."

Unlike BMW motorbikes of course which I believe are very popular. I digress.

"You know the sort," continued Keith, "...teams rippling with burly six-footers whose only purpose is to be functional and stubborn. Soulless groups of men who operate without flair and who seem devoid of any kind of character or individuality."

At least the 'Rock Steady' stewards now have some competition. Still, the fluroescent jackets had even less to do than usual during what The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot called "a mongrel of a match", and what Stephen Halliday of The Scotsman labelled "a match high on endeavour but low on creative quality". But it was Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald who, as ever, saw the big picture: "On a day when they dropped back a position to fourth in the table, something more significant was lost. The prospect of Romanov creating a credible challenge to Celtic and Rangers seemed as hollow and remote as ever." But what about a 24-hour Gorgie Asda?

St. Mirren have just completed their own supermarket sweep, but they couldn't brush off the challenge of Aberdeen on Saturday; the Dons winning 2-0 at Love Street. The pick of the reporting from Paisley centred on descriptions of the inadequacies of St. Mirren's centre-halves who are so old their fathers were 'hunter gatherers'. "The longevity of Andy Millen and Kevin McGowne - both still playing regularly aged 41 and 37 respectively - is commendable but the ageing process seems to be finally taking its toll on the pair," noted The Herald's Graeme Telfer. "At times it was like watching two pensioners exhaustedly chasing their grandsons around the back garden." Scotland On Sunday's Alan Gallacher thought the home side fielded a "backline slower on the turn than UHT milk", but, perhaps more amusingly, asked: "Aberdeen for the Champions League? It might sound ludicrous, but in a world where Eddie Murphy could conceivably win an Oscar ahead of Martin Scorsese, absolutely anything seems surreally plausible and rational." Aberdeen are the 'Eddie Murphy' of Scottish football. Who would have thought it? Right enough, I'm not sure if that's "Trading Places" vintage Murphy or "Big Momma's House". Probably the latter.

Talking of the 'Beverly Hills Cop', everyone remembers the scene with the bananas and the exhaust pipe, so it is with thanks to Providence that there wasn't any soft fruit around at the Falkirk Stadium after the home side's 2-0 defeat to Kilmarnock, or goodness knows where it would have ended up had 'Bad Lieutenant' John Hughes got his hands on it. James Porteus of The Herald reported that Falkirk manager "Hughes' fearsome post-match beasting of his players was overheard by all...Even opposite number Jim Jefferies, in the middle of his press conference, seemed to shuffle nervously." Crikey. Note the word "beasting". I'll say it again, this time with emphahsis - "BEASTING".

Sadly, the poor paying public who rolled up to Dundee United's 0-0 draw with Dunfermline at Tannadice would probably have welcomed a bit of "beasting", such was the poverty of the spectacle offered for their 'enjoyment'. "This should have come with a government health warning," moaned Frank Gilfeather in the Sunday Herald, watching his 234th poor game of the week, but the fare on show at Inverness on Sunday wasn't much better although at least there were some goals in Celtic's 2-1 win over the home side.

The press poops know that Celtic are the masters of the low-key win, but they normally expect a little bit more from Hibernian, who won 2-0 over Motherwell, but without their usual panache. Barry Johnston of The Times thought it "probably, the least attractive 90 minutes of football likely to be contested at Easter Road this season," while The Sunday Mail's Euan McLean blamed the the "drudgery" on a "painfully defensive Motherwell outfit". McLean also thought "in a dire opening of misplaced passes and few chances, you'd have forgiven the freeloading punter looking down on the action from the balcony of his penthouse behind the East Stand for shutting his curtains."

He forgets John Hughes was busy at Falkirk. Otherwise....

Week 25: Rated 12A: Contains mild comic football

2007-01-23T01:26:00.000Z

Who says there's no glamour in the SPL? Certainly not the Scotsman's Alan Pattullo who went all Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer after 90 minutes in Scotland's answer to Hollywood, the place where dreams come true, otherwise known as The Caledonian Stadium in Inverness. Savour every syllable of this A-list blockbuster describing Caley's 3-0 win over Hibernian, which brought a small tear to my eye such was its beauty:

"In the manner of Indiana Jones gunning down the sword-wielding assailant who had attempted to dazzle him with sword-artistry, Inverness stood back and admired an opening spell of possession football from Hibs. Then, like swashbuckling archaeologist Jones, they produced a dismissive retort, one which consisted of three decisive blows."

A large rolling boulder then chased the players down the tunnel where, sadly, Scott Brown was betrayed by an amoral ball-boy guide from Bonar Bridge and was crushed.

Also mangled at the weekend were St. Mirren who were victims to a Celtic side who re-discovered their goalscoring ways in a 5-1 win at Celtic Park. Despite the scoreline, the press poodles were divided in their assessment of the home side's performance. The Sunday Herald's Michael Grant felt "a sense of a reawakening at Celtic" and "a stirring from players who had seemed to be dormant", whereas Phil Gordon in the Independent On Sunday thought the "scoreline flattered Celtic, and the lack of edge is noticeable around Parkhead just now". Interestingly, the pooches couldn't restrain themselves from drifting to the visit of AC Milan to Parkhead, despite it being nearly a month away. The poor things, having to suffer 90 minutes of SPL kitchen-sink when 'La Dolce Vita' beckons.

Alas, the mangy curs are not nearly as aroused by the prospect of Hapoel Tel-Aviv's visit to Ibrox next month and who can blame them as Rangers may have got rid of the subtitles, but they are still a straight-to-dvd offering. Adjectives like "organised" and "workmanlike" were bandied about to describe Walter Smith's side's 1-0 win over Dunfermline at East End Park, which roughly translated from the journalese means 'they were pretty poor but won and at least that French guy's gone. God save the Queen.'

If the action at Dunfermline was as prosaic as an Owen Wilson comedy, at least it was better than the footballing equivalent of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo" at Rugby Park, where Kilmarnock grinded out a 1-0 win over Dundee United. A despondent Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald reckoned the "sour, bitter and swirling wind, aided by bouts of incompetence by the players, produced as dismal and tortured a first half as you could imagine," while the Daily Record's David McCarthy battled the desire to cut his own leg off for for the sake of some entertainment as he "watched possibly the worst first half in the SPL this season...To say it was awful would be an understatement."

However, there was certainly nothing understated in the scene of the day at Tynecastle where Hearts beat Falkirk 1-0. Roman Bednar scored the goal, but the real star of the show was his strike partner, Andrius Velicka, who collapsed so emphatically when confronted by Falkirk's Darren Barr, that even Jim Carrey would have considered it a little OTT. Mike Aitken of The Scotsman reckoned Velicka should be "brought to book for a con worthy of a cameo in the next Ocean's Eleven sequel". Sadly, it's more likely to be "K-11: The Hunt for Ocean Terminal". Vladimir Romanov to direct.

Week 24: Sunshine on a rainy day

2007-01-16T21:08:00.000Z

Makes my soul, makes my soul drip, drip, drip away...

"It was a grim afternoon all round, with the ground, and the wasteland which surrounds it, one of the most exposed parts of central Scotland and therefore subject to a full assault from the driving rain and strong, swirling wind."

You could probably do a couple of lengths in the pool of tears left by Scotland On Sunday's Richard Moore who is no doubt still recovering from Falkirk's 1-0 win over Dunfermline, which he also, and rather unsurprisingly, described as "a terrible game of football". Alan Gow's late winner gave the home side all three points, but The Herald's James Porteous was so moved by the plight of all 22 of the players who had to suffer in the "farcical" conditions, that he felt "a point each would probably have been fair reward, if only to compensate for the misery of having to run about for an hour and a half in the soaking gloom." Note the key quotes from this paragraph: grim, wasteland, assault, misery, and gloom. Somehow I don't think La Liga match reports read like this.

It will have been of little consolation to those at Falkirk that Aberdeen's 1-1 draw with Inverness CT at Pittodrie, was probably even more depressing. "Some games instantly restore your faith in football while others leave you wondering what's become of the beautiful game," moaned the Daily Record's Euan MacArthur before throwing himself into the North Sea in an attempt to collide with an oil platform. Certainly there was little doubt which 'McArthur' category this game fitted into. Two late goals provided the action which The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie reckoned "lit up this game like a beacon, and how badly it needed such illumination to save the numbed spectators losing the will to live." Much like a nation of readers then.

But there was the odd flare of decent football which lit up the grey skies of the weekend's football, such as at Ibrox where the pitch may have resembled a "ploughing field", "marsh" or "porridge", but Rangers delivered an improved performance to overwhelm Dundee United 5-0. "Throughout the Rangers ranks there was industry and urgency, there was a desire to play at a tempo several notches higher than before and a ruthlessness in front of goal that brought them by far and away their most thumping victory of the season," swooned Tom English in Scotland on Sunday, as Walter Smith began his second spell in charge of Rangers with more fireworks than Rangers fans have seen in a while, albeit cheap ones, from a shop that mainly sells crisps, without much genuine luminosity. Better still, after watching his side deliver a feast of goals, Smith washed it down with glass of wine while confirming his obvious greatness to the press pups after the game, much to the their delight, and that of their already enlarged livers.

It was less Bordeaux and more Cava at Rugby Park on Monday, where Hibernian showed "sparkling verve" to beat Kilmarnock 2-0 according to The Herald's Mark Wilson, who also watched Celtic's 2-1 win over Hearts on Saturday where Gordon Strachan's side were able, rather chillingly, "to savour the sweet sensation of vengeance" over their hosts.

Sadly for all concerned, the people of Paisley were deprived of savouring a football fiesta as St. Mirren's home squabble with Motherwell fell victim to the weather. Compared to the rest of the country, Providence smiled on East Renfrewshire for once, even if the sun didn't.

Week 23: The Dark Prince

2007-01-06T12:39:00.000Z

"It is better to be feared than loved," said ~~Barry Ferguson~~ Niccolo Machiavelli, although even that chronicler of 15th century Florentine intrigue would have been appalled at the carnage that was Rangers' 1-0 win over Motherwell at Fir Park. Graham Speirs in The Herald thought it was "an explosive and eventful match could have gone either way", while The Independent's Nick Harris reckoned Rangers "snatched an undeserved win in a helter-skelter game of controversy, punch-ups and red cards". Stuart Darroch in The Times labelled the 90 minutes "an old fashioned Scottish stramash", where "21 players proceeded to push, pull and lash out at each other in what resembled a end-of-night pub fight". The Sun's Iain King, who no doubt will enage in the ancient Hindu practice of Sati and throw himself on Barry's funeral pyre, reckoned it was "an afternoon of ill-tempered drama" where Rangers manager Paul Le Guen "stood accused of ripping the heart out of Rangers", for his decision to drop poor, little, I would eat my own foot for the badge, Barry Ferguson. However, The Scotsman's Glenn Gibbons decided that "if there had been excitement, it had been of the intriguing, rather than the thrilling, variety." Machiavelli would have appreciated that at least.

Elsewhere, there was a glimmer of interest for the hacks at Easter Road where the Scotsman's Stuart Bathgate watched "by no means the most uneventful of goalless draws" as Aberdeen and Hibernian shared the points. Bathgate thought Hibs "made enough chances to win the game several times over"; a view shared by The Herald's James Porteus who could not beleive the how the home side had "failed to beat a flu and injury-hit Aberdeen side despite dominating completely".

Sadly, the other matches aroused little interest from the wordfumblers. Celtic continued their war against competition in the SPL by beating Kilmarnock 2-0 at Celtic Park, in what was clearly a low-key affair, as was Hearts' 1-0 away win over a Dunfermline side who continue to languish in the dark corners of the league, and now racked up seven-and-a-half hours of SPL football without a goal. Thankfully there was no such scarcity at Tannadice where Falkirk feasted on the previously on-form Dundee United in a 5-1 win, while Inverness CT outmuscled St. Mirren in a 2-1 victory.

Week 22: Legion Donner

2007-01-01T12:28:00.000Z

Much has been made of the rogue submarine that is Hearts FC, but it is Das Rangers who continue to sink further, seemingly without a rudder, into the murky depths of the 'Sea of Inadequacy' after Paul Le Guen's 'side' were held to a 1-1 draw with St. Mirren at Ibrox. Naturally, the press pooches were showing off their yellowing, slightly rotten teeth and were all too willing to put the boot in. "Being out-played for long stretches by an injury-hit St Mirren side playing with only one player up front is not something a team with title-hopes should suffer, so it's just as well Rangers have long-since shelved this aspiration," mocked Alan Pattullo in The Scotsman. The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot reckoned Rangers' performance "against a sprightly St Mirren re-emphasised a chronic lack of heart, courage and character within [the] squad", while Gavin Berry of the Sunday Mail watched "yet another dismal domestic display" and an "inept performance" from the home side. However, it was The Sunday Times' Simon Buckland who summed up matters with a flourish: "No turning of the corner for Rangers, just a few more steps down what is increasingly looking like the wrong road. When Her Majesty has finished touching the sword on Sir David Murray’s shoulders, the Rangers chairman might need to ask whether he can borrow it for Paul Le Guen to fall on. The New Year honours at Ibrox went to St Mirren."

With Rangers adrift and without much air in their tanks, you would think that Celtic would be cruising on the gentle current of success, but Gordon Strachan's side continue to be as convincing as Sean Connery's accent in 'The Hunt for Red October' after another poor showing in their 1-1 draw with Motherwell at Fir Park. Rodger Baillie in the Sunday Times thought Celtic "were dreadful for long spells", and "they can’t hide the problems at the back and front of their side right now". Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman agreed, noting "the Parkhead side's current tendency towards pedestrianism, carelessness and general lifelessness suggests only forthcoming danger and possible ignominy." Scary stuff.

Talking of ignominy, Hibernian manager John Collins borrowed the Queen's sword to give goalkeeper Zbigniew Malkowski the chop for his side's 2-0 win over Dunfermline at Easter Road. Disappointingly, Darren Johnstone in the Sunday Herald seemed to be using his Boxing Day template when he noted "if this had been a boxing contest, the match would have been over long before referee Iain Brines blew the final whistle. But Dunfermline were not the only ones to be left on the ropes." Darren was also moved enough to note "the difference between a side challenging for the chance to play Champions League football and one fighting for SPL survival was so vast you almost felt pity for the visitors as their endeavour proved fruitless." Sadly, there was a similar lack of fruit about Hearts and Kilmarnock's goalless draw at Tynecastle. Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald thought "with better final balls and more accurate striking it could have swung either way but, in truth, neither team deserved to win", while the Scotsman's Mike Aitken reckoned "there was enough endeavour and enthusiasm evident in this performance from Hearts to add weight to the conviction that better times are around the corner for the Tynecastle club in 2007." Can't wait.

Elsewhere Dundee United continued their recent remarkable, almost Faustian, progress with a 3-1 win over Aberdeen at Tannadice and Falkirk got the better of Inverness CT in a 3-1 home win. Both of these matches inspired absolutely no worthwhile comment. If only, it could always be so.

Week 21: There is no great genius without a tincture of madness

2006-12-29T10:05:00.000Z

So soon? Yes, sadly there's no rest for the wicked during the SPL's Christmas bileathon of games, although judging by some of the copy slopped out by sportswriters over the period, many could do with a rest. Step forward, everyone's favourite wordhumper, The Times' Phil Gordon, who watched Celtic come back from two goals down to draw with Dundee United at Celtic Park. Let's consider his opening in full: "Shunsuke Nakamura might resemble a flyweight, but the little man from Japan went the distance yesterday to summon up a sublime goal that helped Celtic to come off the ropes and kept his side’s unbeaten home record intact." A boxing metaphor on Boxing Day is bad enough, but take away the hackneyed 'went the distance' and 'against the ropes' crap and you're still left with a big bucket of journalistic poo. Sadly, Nakamura, according to FIFA's web site is 5'10 and 69kg, meaning that if he ever was to the rather rash step of climbing into a boxing ring, it would be at the Super Welterweight division with the likes of Oscar De La Hoya. In fact, when has Nakamura ever, even slightly, resembled a 'little man' or a 'flyweight'? Later in his report, Gordon also refers to the Japanese international as "elfin" which is about the oddest adjective used to descibe a footballer, ever. Thankfully Gordon Strachan made no reference to small, magical creatures when describing Nakamura's contribution to the game, but he did label him as "a genius, a true genius", as opposed to those pretend geniuses like Phil 'Tolkien' Gordon. Glenn Gibbons in The Scotsman gave a more candid view of the home side's overall showing: "Celtic gave an engrossing demonstration of a precious propensity for escaping undefeated from matches in which they have played for only a fraction of the 90 minutes," said Gibbons, without recourse to crap analogies.

Talking of waste, and its lazy live-in lover, space, Filip Sebo put in another anodyne showing in Rangers' latest humiliation on their travels, as Paul Le Guen's side lost 2-1 away to Inverness CT. The game was "a gruesome reminder of Rangers' dreadful deficiencies" and their "masochistic propensity" according to The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot, while Alan Pattullo of The Scotsman thought the performance "supplied vivid evidence of [Rangers'] frailties". Frank Gilfeather in The Times, who appears to go to more football games than can be healthy, thought the win was "no more than the home side deserved as they had dominated much of a game that drifted away from Rangers".

Another team drifting away is Dunfermline who lost 2-0 at home to Motherwell on Wednesday, and appear to be losing their chance of surviving in the SPL. "The Fifers were a sad bunch to watch," lamented The Herald's Ryan Taylor. "They ran out of ideas until all that remained was disconnected individualism," continued Samuel Beckett, although curiously Kevin McCarra used the same 'disconnected individualism' phrase in a piece in the Guardian about Manchester United last week. Only possible conclusion: great minds alike do think.

Another great mind in the SPL is undoubtedly Hibernian's Dean Shiels, who after scoring a penalty to level matters in Hib's eventual 3-2 defeat to Hearts at Tynecastle, decided to celebrate by flooring Hearts goalkeeper Craig Gordon in one of the most bizarre moments seen on a football pitch this year, not including the debut of that minotaur who played for St. Mirren. Barry Anderson in the Edinburgh Evening News thought it was a "moment of insanity"; Barry Johnston in The Times tagged it as "an incomprehensible barge"; but the Daily Record's Gary Ralston showed his caring side and stood up for Sheils, believing it to be "an incident that owed as much to emotional over-exuberance at netting in front of his own support and chasing the ball for a quick re-start as it did to any pre-meditated malice." Nevertheless it was all part of the fun which Mike Aitken in the Scotsman thought was "a breathless, ferociously competitive Edinburgh derby", and Ralston reckoned "was one of the most absorbing games ever held between [the teams]", because, of course, he has been to every one.

Sadly the best adjective I could find to describe St Mirren's 1-0 home win over Falkirk was "gritty", but there was certainly more entertainment in Aberdeen, where the home side beat Kilmarnock 3-1. Scott Davie from The Scotsman watched "an all-round dazzling display from the home side", while the Daily Record's Euan McArthur reported that "the Dons dismantled lacklustre Killie in some style". Man of the match was Dons debutant Chris Maguire, who Aberdeen assistant manager Jimmy Nicoll reckoned after the game is the most talented young player he has ever worked with. Whether he can become a "true genius", only time and a move to League One as a free agent willl tell.

Week 20: The season of goodwill...and headbutts

2006-12-25T09:53:00.000Z

"Pantomimes and comedy performances are, of course, a given at this time of year. It is even a cliche to talk in such terms when reviewing football on the run in to Christmas." Hang on a minute, what's this? At first glance, it looks like a member of the Scottish football press engagng in some critical reflection; a desire to fashion their work in original terms; a rare doggy paddle in the little-known pool of lucidity. That's it then. The end. My work here is done. Saddle up the horses Pedro, we're movi...No, hold the ponies, the Sunday Herald's Dave Hammond had something else to say about Dunfermline and Inverness CT's 0-0 draw at East End Park. Let's start again. "Pantomimes and comedy performances are, of course, a given at this time of year. It is even a cliche to talk in such terms when reviewing football on the run in to Christmas but rarely could a referee at this level have contributed so completely to a staged farce." Pedro!!! Put that tent down, we're not going anywhere.

And why would we, when we could savour the meaty juices of Rangers' 2-1 win over Aberdeen at Pittodrie which Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald thought was a "pulsating throwback of a clash, worthy of the compelling history between this pair". However, much like a Sunday morning spent reading reports of football matches, The Observer's Patrick Glenn felt it was a "90 minutes that produced only short passages of inventiveness and penetration", while Gordon Waddell in the Sunday Mail reckoned that "not for the first time [Aberdeen] let a Pittodrie full-house down when it mattered most." Scotland On Sunday's Gary Sutherland probably summed up the game best, if with a hint of unnecessary violence: "It was not the case that Rangers were vastly superior on a wintry blue north-east day, but they had succeeded in sticking the knife in - then twisting it - long before the first half was over." Ouch.

There was also a bit of pain for Neil Lennon in the closing minutes of Celtic's 1-0 win over Falkirk at Celtic Park, as the half-man, half-fox hybrid snarled his way to a red card, after being accused of diving, which is quite amusing in itself. Still, the press pack weren't that bothered about the 'headbutt' or, more accurately, the 'headrub', but Lennon's throwing of the captain's armband as he left the field seems to have irked them a lot more as they charged the event with symbolism, which in reality, it simply didn't have. The best quote about the Celtic captain's little strop came from Natasha Woods in the The Sunday Herald who thought the incident would come "at a significant cost to his dignity and reputation". Even Pedro thought that one was funny. Strangely, most of the press noted that Kenny Miller's penalty miss, and his failure to score in 11 consecutive appearances for the Hula boys, equalled Harald Brattbakk's disasterous run in 1998. What a bizarre statistic, and odder still that almost every press poochie rolled it out like they had come up with it themselves.

Elsewhere, St. Mirren were "comprehensively derailed by John Collins's Easter Road express" according to trainspotter Mike J Wilson in Scotland On Sunday, as Hibernian romped to a 5-1 win at Easter Road. Wilson also seems to have spent a part ofthe game swooning over the Hibernian manager, who he thought was "looking lean, professional and polished on the touchline". Tasty. Motherwell grabbed a rare 2-1 away win over Kilmarnock at Rugby Park, a game Ron McKay of the Sunday Herald summed up as "a grim and thrawn encounter", 'thrawn' meaning misshapen or crooked for those of you not schooled in the Scots language, which is probably everyone, apart from Ron McKay.

Finally, Le Cirque des Hearts, edged a 1-0 win over Dundee United at Tannadice. What do you buy the megliomaniac who has everything this Christmas? Hopefully a one-way ticket home. Merry Christmas everyone.

Week 19: Don't knock it 'til you've sighed it

2006-12-18T22:40:00.000Z

"Anyone whose passion in life is to knock the SPL should have been at the Caledonian Stadium on Saturday," said the Daily Record's Euan McArthur after Kilmarnock's 4-3 win over Inverness CT, obviously unaware that the capacity is a mere 6,000. Anyway, why should they have bothered, was there an SPL knocking conference on? Were they giving out free 'The SPL is less entertaining than ebola' mousemats? Did Euan see effiges of SPL chairman Lex Gold burned as the rioting traditionalists chanted "Foot-ball league! Foot-ball league". Sadly, it seems that he simply, and relatively uniquely for football viewers north of Buchanan Galleries, saw a decent game of football. "More games like this would surely see fans flocking back to grounds around the country over the festive period," continued McArthur, obviously feverish, but Alasdair Fraser of Scotland On Sunday was similarly aroused by the game, dubbing it "crazy, breathless stuff, thrilling to the finish". No one was in any doubt either, that the home side merited at least a point for their efforts. The Sunday Mail's David Rinaldi thought "defeat was harsh on Charlie Christie's Caley as they deserved more than just plaudits from a game in which back-to-form [Stephen] Naismith proved the difference." Neil White in The Sunday Times agreed that the visitors made the best of their opportunities: "Finding themselves still in the game at its midway point, Kilmarnock improved in the second half and converted almost every chance they created to win this match," said White, probably in a state of shock that he had not had to use the word "dull" in a report from Inverness.

The anti-SPL hardcore would have been better advised to head for Love Street to have their beliefs reinforced following a minimalist performance from St. Mirren and Dunfermline in their 0-0 draw. "This was doomwatch in December," said The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie, obviously a keynote speaker at the above-mentioned SPL trashing conference. "Unless either club can lift themselves from this dismal showing neither of them deserve to stay in the top flight," continued Baillie. "They both failed to show the urgency to shake themselves out of a lethargy and the fans who turned up on a miserable afternoon deserved better." "The gloomy, sodden conditions, in fact, were the perfect backdrop to what was a wretched afternoon of football," lamented The Herald's Graeme Telfer in similar fashion. "While it rained goals at various other SPL locations throughout the country on Saturday, in Paisley it simply rained. And rained. And rained." But that's what football in Scotland should be about; underachievement, drizzle and for the connoisseur, both at once.

Sadly for the SPL haters at Fir Park, Archie McGregor noted in The Sunday Times, that the "numerous incidences of unconvincing defending always hinted that this was going to be anything but a dull afternoon". Dundee United's 3-2 win over Motherwell "was all a bit messy" according to MacGregor, but certainly not as gruesome as the bloody cull going on at Tynecastle these days. Aberdeen's 1-0 win over Hearts merited few words that actually related to the match itself - altough Patrick Glenn in the Observer did describe it magnificently as "a monument to blandness and pedestrianism" which no doubt warmed many a fanatic's heart - with most of the press comments aimed singularly at the folly of the Romanov regime, and the latest court martial summoned to chastise Paul Hartley. "The circus never never ends," pined Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald, although it probably will when Stewart Milne Homes buy the 'big top' sometime soon.

Talking of freak shows, both noggins of the SPL's two-headed monster shared the spoils in a 1-1 draw at Ibrox on Sunday. Nick Harris in The Independent reckoned it was "Rangers who really should have won, and they had multiple chances to do so. A combination of woeful finishing and an excellent afternoon's work by Celtic's keeper, Artur Boruc, meant instead that the points were shared." The Herald's Graham Speirs agreed, noting that "Le Guen's team were well worth their point in an absorbing Old Firm derby which scarcely relented in pace and passion. Speirs had special praise - unlike his French manager - for one Rangers player in parfticular. "In Barry Ferguson, Le Guen once again had an immense captain, a man of vision and determination," said Speirs, making him sound a little too much like Martin Luther King.

At least the news fudgers manged to get through the weekend without resorting to trite seasonal metaphors, apart that is from serial offender Andrew Smith of Scotland On Sunday, who watched Falkirk beat Hibernian 2-1 and then provided the journalistic equivalent of a Christmas hits CD played on a cheap ghetto blaster: "Perhaps 'tis the season, but the contest served up at the Falkirk Stadium yesterday was ding-dong, merrily entertained, and could have ended on a high for either side. If the gloria in excelsis was being offered up by home manager John Hughes at full-time..." Pssssh...Run, quickly, while you still have a chance. I hear the Eredivisie is looking for people.

Week 18: Enjoy the game

2006-12-11T21:57:00.000Z

The press wolves had their Christmas dinner a few weeks early on Saturday, as the horrible hounds feasted on the sorry carcass of Hibernian who lost 3-0 to Rangers at Ibrox. The Herald's Graham Speirs watched, with twisted delight, as the home side "tore Hibs limb from limb", while "amid Rangers' relentlessness, Hibs were wide-eyed and traumatised". Patrick Glenn in The Observer dug further into the Charles Manson book of football writing, seeing Hibs as fostering "the look of sacrificial lambs, utterly passive as Rangers began to cut them up". Unsurpirisngly, given the bloody spectacle in front of them, "a erstwhile bleak and morose Rangers faithful were transfixed", according to Speirs, who also noted, disappointingly for a man of his upbringing, that "Paul Le Guen's team finally caught fire" - a phrase as tired as a Rangers corner-kick routine. Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald, eschewed the 'Jack the Ripper' sensibility, and thought the game showcased "the enlightened pass and move football which Le Guen's arrival seemed to promise from the outset...built on the sort of aggressive pressing play in midfield which reduced the much-vaunted Hibs midfield to bystanders." Nevertheless, it was a brief moment of sanity among the madness, clearing the stage for Douglas Alexander of the Sunday Times to deliver the weekend's 'coup de grace': "Barry Ferguson, full of swagger, simply ran his side over the top of Hibs’ midfield like a tank commander confronted by a flimsy fence." Oh Douglas, how I've missed you.

Talking of tracks, Dundee United's recent upturn in fortune - evidenced by their 3-1 home win over Inverness CT - is essentially down to a change in musical direction according to more than one press poop. "Since switching their theme music to local band The View’s hit Superstar Tradesman, Craig Levein’s Dundee United have been refurbished from a derelict group of rogue traders into a team of skilled artisans," said Robert Thomson in The Sunday Times, while The Herald's Graeme Telfer noted that "while the indie scallywags may have played some part in this winter renaissance, hats off to Craig Levein, too", which was terribly generous of him. Inverness, quite clearly suffering in the SPL because of Runrig's limited output these days, were outplayed "in virtually every department" according to the Sunday Herald's Dave Hammond. Nevertheless, there is clearly no crisis at the club despite six games without a win for Charlie Christie's side: "I don't think it's time to push the panic button," said ICT's Barry Wilson reassuringly, his finger hovering over the panic button.

Celtic's Aiden McGeady should probably check the batteries in his panic alarm, following Neil Lennon's 'constructive criticism' of his defending in the post-match shakedown of Celtic's 2-1 win over Dunfermline at East End Park. For most observers, the Celtic captain's 'tough love' was the colourful highlight of an otherwise tedious game. Mark Wilson of the The Herald watched "a startling finale to what had been a mostly dreich affair amid the gloom of early winter in Fife," while The Scotsman's Glenn Gibbons saw it as an "incendiary ending to a very bland occasion". In the red corner, Gibbons noted that "Lennon is as powerful as an electro-magnet in the matter of drawing controversy within his scope", while in the blue corner, Wilson reckoned the "slight figure of McGeady is...becoming adept at lifting Celtic out of potentially awkward situations". Naturally, the combination of the two was, well...quite funny.

The Kilmarnock supporters certainly weren't laughing at Rugby Park on Saturday as their side were held to a 1-1 draw by a smash and grab display from St. Mirren. "Gus MacPherson, the Love Street manager, had the look of a footballing Fagan afterwards, having just picked the pocket of Jim Jefferies, his Kilmarnock counterpart," commented Martin Greig in The Herald, obviously gearing himself up for a full Christmas Carol metaphor explosion in the coming weeks. Allan Gallacher in Scotland On Sunday agreed with Greig, albeit in a Dickensian-free style, that "MacPherson's men probably didn't deserve to leave Ayrshire with a share of the spoils, having been bombarded by their hosts", although thankfully not by Barry Ferguson's tank.

Aberdeen may not have a Sherman as such but their 2CV is certainly sporting a particularly robust roof rack, following another home victory - this time a 2-1 win over Falkirk at Pittodrie, their fifth in-a-row at home. "The Red Machine is not exactly in full flow but it's purring along nicely thank you," confirmed Anthony Haggerty in the Daily Record. Nevertheless, the general feeling was that Falkirk were unlucky not to take at least a point from the match, with Mike J Wilson of Scotland on Sunday singling the visitors' Trinidadian playmaker out for individual praise: "Falkirk's Russell Latapy gave a virtuoso display of intelligent midfield play, prompting, probing, dinking and dancing," said Wilson, although obviously it was a mere warmup to the prompting, probing, drinking and dancing to follow in the evening. Sadly, Haggerty also noted that only "a disappointing 10,600 hardy souls braved the Baltic conditions and the driving wind and rain to see Aberdeen make heavy weather of defeating the Bairns", which was perhaps not that disappointing given the "Baltic conditions and the driving wind and rain".

Ah the Baltic, whose icy depths only one man in the SPL knows like the back of his bony, shell-like claw. "The cure might be painful, but at least we have the diagnosis. Enjoy the game" said evil Dr. Vladenstein, in his most chilling voice, before his Hearts monster ravished Motherwell 4-1 at Tynecastle on Saturday. Most of the press tinklings largely ignored the match in favour of some prolonged headshaking over the Steven Pressley 'diagnosis', although it was touching that Barry Anderson in the Edinburgh Evening News felt that Hearts are experiencing "a minor renaissance on the field right now". Sadly, Tynecastle is in the dark ages in every other respect.

Week 17: Homo Vulpe

2006-12-04T22:17:00.000Z

"I read it, ripped it up and put it in the bin," said Hibernian manager John Collins after his side's 2-1 win over Dundee United at Easter Road. Sadly he wasn't referring to 'Oranje and Blue: The Artur Numan Story' by, wait for it, Artur Numan with The Sunday Mail's resident fingerpointer Mark Guidi; an ideal Christmas gift for blue (and oranje) noses who already have 'Blue: The Life and Times of Barry Ferguson' or 'Yellow: The Filip Sebo Story'. Rather, the Hibs boss was alluding to the transfer request of ~~David Copperfield~~ Scott Brown which was served, no doubt cold, after a game in which Hibs claimed all three points despite the best efforts of the visitors. Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith thought "the Easter Road side were second best for long spells against a revitalised United", who in turn "were aggressive, snapping into tackles with real vim and vigour" and who "backed up their appetite with finesse". Scott McDermott in the Sunday Mail felt that "Craig Levein's rejuvenated Dundee United were on top and they deserved at least a point," but the result showed Hibs "could grind out a result without the fancy stuff".

Gordon Strachan also has a book out at the moment - thankfully titled "My Life in Football" to ease the plight of a confused book-buying public - which should include a chapter titled "Inspired Substitutions and How to Make Them", such is the Celtic manager's ability to change the course of a game with the flash of a 4th official's electronic board. Maciej Zurawski was the benchwarmer who made all the difference against Aberdeen in Celtic's 1-0 home win, though in truth most of the plaudits went to the bookless Artur Boruc who managed a last-minute save from Russell Anderson's header that was described variously as "stunning", "astonishing", "magnificent", "world class", "breathtaking" and best of all, "miraculous". Unfortunately the game itself was a bit like Neil Lennon's recently-released opus, 'Neil Lennon: Man and Bhoy'; "stodgy" according to the Herald's Darryl Broadfoot. Personally, I would have called it 'Neil Lennon: Man and Fox' in tribute to his time at Leicester City, and the imagination of CS Lewis and his creation Mr Timnus, in the Chronicles of Narnia.

Someone probably wishing he could climb into a magical wardrobe, or at least befriend a large self-effacing lion, is Rangers manager Paul Le Guen who watched his side lose yet again, this time 1-0 at Falkirk. Luckily for Le Guen, Graham Speirs was seated in one of the 'playstands' and so the Frenchman had the consolation of enjoying some sports writing 'a la carte' in contrast to the offal served up by his football team. "Given the appalling conditions, of arctic wind and rain, it was a significant tribute to Falkirk that they managed to play as creatively and artfully as they did while going forward," said Speirs in a moment of plain-speaking madness. "The home side played with sophistication in parts." However, if you really want to know what separates the pedigrees from the mongrels in the football-writing pound then suck the marrow out of this bone. Rangers' "football lacks what a chef might perhaps call 'a true consistency'," said Speirs befoe adding that Le Guen ought to be "crimson with embarrassment at such a feeble campaign". Regardez! Any other mortal would have said "red with embarassment" but Speirs is not one of us. His Michelin-starred quill goes for 'crimson', the colour of Nelson's blood as it slipped gently on to Victory's straining oak. Alternatively, David McCarthy in the crimson-topped Daily Record thought "Rangers arrived with no balls, no heart, no fight. And left with no points", which summed up matters just as well.

There was also a pudendal aspect - take that Speirs - about Motherwell's 1-0 away win over Inverness. "The strange thing about this league is it is so tight that a couple of wins can make you look like World Cup Willies," said Motherwell manager Maurice Malpas using a turn of phrase which became outdated in autumn 1966. (Incidentally my favourite mascot was Naranjito, the World Cup orange, perhaps the only piece of fruit to ever represent a major sports event.) Sadly the match was an impotent affair which induced the now customary outpouring of angst from the Caledonian Stadium, with a disheartened press pack thinking of the three-hour drive back to the central belt. "Dire", "dismal", "gruesome" and "woeful" were a few of the adjectives used to describe the 90 minutes but Archie McGregor in The Sunday Times probably summed it up best: "For those who like the minimalist approach, this game was a joy. Motherwell scored with an 88th-minute Richie Foran penalty and took the three points. Unfortunately for the rest, who might be looking for something more — drama, excitement, unpredictability — the match had nothing else in the way of redeeming features."

Archie should have taken in the game at Rugby Park - 'damn you sports editors!' - where Kilmarnock's 5-1 romp over Dunfermline started with five goals in the first 27 minutes. Scotland On Sunday's Martin Hannan, incidentally co-faun of 'Neil Lennon: Man and Fox", thought "the portents were there for a dire midwinter match. It just shows you that you should never underestimate football's capacity to surprise and entertain the public, especially when the magic ingredient of goals galore is brought to the party," said Hannan with a small tear in his eye. But what about when the magic ingredient is a beast with the little, pale, hairless legs of a former Northern Ireland international midfielder and the top-half of a nocturnal, carnivorious canine. I'd even go to Inverness to see that.*

*Sadly, even that would not be as freakish as Hearts who drew 2-2 at Love Street and merit no comment whatsoever, with apologies to St. Mirren.

Week 16: "Like a man trying to trap a ball while pulling up his trousers"

2006-11-27T13:10:00.000Z

Landmarks are always worth noting - Edinburgh Castle, The Forth Rail Bridge, those pyramidy things which replaced a Motorola factory near Livingston - but it was goals that caught the historian's eye on Saturday as Motherwell's Scott McDonald notched the 5000th in the SPL during his side's 4-2 win over Falkirk at Fir Park. "This game had everything you could want. Disputed penalties and six goals only hints at the story," waxed Dave Hammond in the Sunday Herald, while Scott Mcdermott of the Sunday Mail thought it was an "incredible game". However, despite six goals, and the presence of the heavy hand of history, it was the referee who Ryan Taylor in The Herald was talking about come the end: match official Craig Thomson "awarded two dubious penalties, displayed the yellow card on 10 occasions and sent a player off in a match that was hardly spiralling out of control," according to a disappointed Taylor. Nevertheless "during the course of a fluctuating encounter, the outcome remained unfathomable until a storming closing quarter," according to Archie McGregor in The Sunday Times, something even the referee couldn't spoil.

There was another late burst of action at Easter Road on Sunday, where it wasn't so much a game of two halves as a game of two-thirds and a third. Celtic came back from two goals down to grab a 2-2 draw with Hibernian, thanks in part to the introduction of Aidean McGeady and Evander Sno late in the game, but the assembled press pooches were in no doubt who set the pace for the first period. Glenn Gibbons in The Scotsman noted a performance from the home side "of such comprehensive authority for the first hour that it was possible to wonder if Celtic had been overcome by a collective somnambulism". The Daily Record's David McCarthy agreed, noting that Hibs "outplayed Scotland's champions for 70 minutes of a torrid encounter at Easter Road, going two goals up and performing with a panache and passion that had the purists purring". Yet, despite their dominance, Hibs couldn't close out the game, a fact Mark Wilson of The Herald credited to the Celtic manager's mastery of the dark art of substitutions: "Gordon Strachan continues to work alchemy via the fourth official's board. His substitutions warped the chemistry of this utterly compelling game." McCarthy also reckoned that while "there was so much to admire in Hibs' performance...it was Celtic's fortitude and sheer bloody-mindedness that will be long remembered". Or for a couple of days.

Form may only be a shanty town in the shadow of Class City's skyscrapers, but Aberdeen continue to hold their own in the 'best of the rest' race at the top of the SPL. Yet, Saturday's 3-0 away win over Dunfermline, despite fuelling the Dons' Champions League dreams, did little to satisfy the watching press hounds. "The Dons didn't have to be truly convincing to triumph," noted Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald, while Richard Wilson in The Sunday Times saw "a tangle of incoherent football, any quality lost amid the straining effort". Worse still, The Herald's Neil Mulligan was forced to endure "a somewhat turgid, staccato afternoon's viewing", where the "protagonists showed plenty endeavour, but quality was kept for the far rarer moments". The nature of the goals did little to appease the situation, with Hugh Keevins in the Daily Record describing them as "the worst case of self-inflicted wounds likely to be seen anywhere this season". Simon Pia in Scotland On Sunday thought Dunfermline "imploded spectacularly" in conceding the first goal in particular, where defender Greg Shields "got into a dreadful fankle, looking like a man trying to trap a ball while pulling up his trousers". Wilson thought "the scoreline was emphatic, but the performance seldom was. It was individual mistakes that separated these two teams, because all three goals came when Dunfermline players lost their concentration and composure." Or their trousers, in one case.

Unfortunately for the poor press mongrels, forced to don their little tartan jackets and leave the sanctuary of the central belt for the wild frontier that is anywhere north of Stirling, there was even less to wag their little, stumpy tails about following Hearts 0-0 draw at Inverness. "Shocking", "dreary" and "miserable" were a few of the stock adjectives used to describe the spectacle, or lack of it, at the Caledonian Stadium. "In the end there was relief when the referee sounded the final whistle. It was poor stuff all round," lamented John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday, in between spins of the barrell of his revolver.

To a bitch, every member of the baying press club thought Rangers' 3-0 home win over Kilmarnock was "comfortable". At least, they could muster an adjective which was more than the curs watching Dundee United's 1-0 win over St. Mirren managed, it being perhaps the most bland game of football ever played. It's a shame no one remembers the 5000th moment of tedium in the SPL. Then again, it happened so long ago.

Week 15: Bullseye!

2006-11-20T20:55:00.000Z

Cue the music.

"THERE are times when football is just brilliant and it's these occasions which remind us why we sit in the cold for two hours on a Saturday."

This could be a Coca-Cola advert. But go on:

"It's why you travel the length of the country to watch your team, who then lose. It's why you go again the next week even after a shocking game with no goals, no shots, nothing."

Crikey, no shots! Nevermind. Tell us more, Neil Cameron of the Daily Record. I'm digging the sincerity and waiting for the payoff. Where did you have this epiphany?

"Saturday at Rugby Park was one of those brilliant occasions."

Oh well , you've ruined it now...Still, at least darts legend Bobby George wasn't there...

"At half-time, we caught sight of darts legend Bobby George, who had switched on the Christmas lights in Kilwinning. I'm not making any of this up - the day just kept getting better."

I'm not making any of this stuff up either. Kilmarnock's 2-1 win over Falkirk and a glimpse of the 'King of Darts'. Neil, you might as well crucify yourself on one of Kilwinning's illuminated Santas, as it's all downhill from there to...

...Tynecastle on Sunday, where Rangers beat Hearts 1-0, but both sides decided to forego the 'foot' and 'ball' part of the game, and chose just to launch the ball as far as they could at every opportunty, in between fouls and general grumpiness.

"If this was a battle to decide the best of the rest, Scottish football may be in bigger trouble than we realised," lamented Keith Jackson in the Daily Record. "So poor was the fare at Tynecastle the thought occurred it might be time to ask UEFA to cut our quota of Champions League places to just the one." If only it could be true. The Herald's Graeme Speirs watched a "gruelling battle" in an atmosphere which was "rancid". I'm surprised he didn't go for "poohy". Stinky stuff nonetheless, much like Hearts' play which Speirs thought demonstrated "zeal without containing any true finesse". Rangers were half-a-teaspoonful better, and it was their "determination not to lose that allowed them to overcome a rival that seems hell-bent on self destruction," according to Jackson.

Inverness CT were also determined not to lose at on Saturday, but taking points off Celtic in the SPL at the moment is like taking candy from the Fort Knox branch of Thorntons. The Daily Record's Hugh Keevins thought Celtic's 3-0 win "flattered them" and was not "an accurate reflection" of the game; a point also made by Patrick Glenn in the Observer who noted that Gordon Strachan's side "encountered serious and lasting difficulty in asserting themselves". But Celtic's apparent reluctance to commit themselves fully to the game was due to Tuesday's impending visit of Manchester United according to Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald: "The sense of Celtic saving themselves for United was palpable among the players especially during the first half and around Parkhead in general all afternoon," said Grant, already sweaty at the prospect of Champions League drama and the chance to use his best metaphors.

Aberdeen haven't had the distraction of European football for a while now, or any particularly good metaphors, but Jimmy Calderwood's side may have a UEFA Cup 3rd round qualifier in Poland to look forward to if they continue to record results like their 2-0 win over St. Mirren at Pittodrie. According to Alan Gallacher in Scotland On Sunday Aberdeen "controlled huge portions of the play" and "continue quietly to impress with their attacking style". The Sunday Herald's Frank Gilfeather noted "buoyancy from the men in red, their quick-fire passing presenting the visitors with more problems than they could handle". However, Gavin Berry in the Sunday Mail was more concise in his assessment: "a dreadful game".

That certainly was Mike J Wilson's assessment of Dunfermline's 2-1 home win over Dundee United in Scotland on Sunday; a game charcaterised by "missed passes" and "poor control". Rob Robertson in the The Herald thought Dunfermline "sneaked a victory they scarcely deserved" and "the Tannadice outfit only failed to win because of their inability to create decent chances." On the other hand, the Daily Record's Anthony Haggerty thought new Pars manager Stephen Kenny was the reason for the win as the former Derry City boss "fired his boys up with a rousing half-time team talk and came up with the masterstroke of changing their formation from 4-4-2 to 4-4-3".

Elsewhere, Hibernian's 6-1 win over Motherwell at Fir Park certainly wasn't dreadful, and moreover it sent the press pups into a frenzy of excitment, not seen since the advent of Bonio™. The Daily Record's Gary Ralston watched a "stunning Hibs performance that will not be bettered by any side in the SPL this season", while Andrew Smith in Scotland On Sunday saw an "all-singing, all-dancing victory to which [John Collins'] side positively sashayed". The Sunday Mail's David Rinaldi thought Collins' "green machine clicked into top gear in a stunning display", and James Morgan in The Herald reckoned "the victory was founded on a first 45 minutes which Collins himself described as 'the most impressive half of football he has ever seen'. It was hard to find a flaw in his assertion."

But was Bobby George there? I think not.

Week 14: Good Journalism = Fact / (Interpretation - Triteness)

2006-11-12T11:29:00.000Z

Aberdeen have wrestled with the tag of under-achievement in recent years but yesterday's 2-1 win over Motherwell at Pittodrie moved the Dons into joint-second place in the SPL...or third really, but let's not let the logic of mathematics, nurtured by centuries of wisdom in the ancient world, get in the way of a potential Champions League place for Jimmy Calderwood's side. "The Dons buzzed with enthusiasm from the start," said an enthusiastic Frank Gilfeather in the Sunday Herald, who also noted that the home side "dominated a tough, uncompromising game". Alan Gallacher in Scotland On Sunday thought Aberdeen "played well and, when it mattered most, dug deep to bag the points", and reckoned "the prospect of the Pittodrie faithful digging out their passports for a foreign campaign are as good as they have been for a while." Y viva Azerbaijan.

Rangers are already revelling in Uefa Cup 'glamour' but their dismal domestic season took a turn for the better following a 2-0 win over Dunfermline at Ibrox. The win, courtesy of goals from Kris Boyd and Steven Smith, moved Paul Le Guen's side into joint-second with Aberdeen...or second as Pythagoras might insist upon. Nevertheless, it came as no surprise that the band of assembled press dingoes were howling with cries of feint praise. Patrick Glenn in the Observer thought the win "could hardly be described as evidence of an impending renaissance", which should mean Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo won't have to do any turning this week at least. "The Ibrox side achieved the minimum that any one would expect against Dunfermline," continued Glenn in a somewhat drisiory manner towards the visitors, although Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought Dunfermline were "woeful". Guidi thought there was "a lack of confidence, spark and cohesion" about Rangers, Andrew Smith in Scotland On Sunday described them as "laboured", and Douglas Alexander in The Sunday Times mused: "If this proves to be the first step in Rangers’ recovery, then it was an extremely shaky one." However 'The Beachy Head Prize' for most bleak piece of journalism this weekend goes to the normally vibrant Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald: "It was a dank, grey afternoon with a game to match", where "Le Guen stepped a few yards back from the cliff edge". Dark, dark days.

If the 48,218 at Ibrox thought the spectacle there was on the poor side, then they should be relieved they were not at Tannadice where Dundee United recorded back-to-back victories for the first time this season with a 1-0 win over Kilmarnock. Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald noted humorously that "for large parts of the game the ball went astray and only threatened resting wildlife", while Archie MacGregor The Sunday Times thought the contest "scored little in terms of aesthetic appeal". Euan McLean of the Sunday Mail joined in the chorus of angst, seeing the game as a "dire clash"; a fact John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday could not disagree with, as "United didn't exactly sparkle" in a game which was "not the greatest of spectacles".

It is normally a 'spectacle' of sorts when goalthrower Zbigniew Malkowski plays, but the usually error-prone Pole got his angles right this week in Hibernian's 2-0 win over Inverness CT at Easter Road. Moira Gordon in Scotland On Sunday noted "the surprise is that, for once, Zbigniew Malkowski was the saint rather than sinner." Redemption is a beautiful thing...until next week's mistake of course.