News As Gossip

Interesting

2009-05-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Another Short I Wrote for "Cavalcade of Comedy"

2009-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

"Ted Nugent is Visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past"

President Bush Laid Off

2009-01-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

Accepts severance package, leaves job tomorrow

Security escorted President Bush to the White House parking lot this morning, as he carried a cardboard box full of his remaining belongings to his car. "Hey, if you know anyone who's hiring..." the President told a guy who works in shipping.

Circuit City to Liquidate Assets; More Than 30,000 Unqualified People Lose Jobs

2009-01-16T13:24:00.000-08:00

Woman Gets Secretary Job

2009-01-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

Secretary

of state

New Obama Plan Offers Bailout to Anyone Who Bet on the Chargers

2009-01-13T09:21:00.001-08:00

Barack Obama paid a visit to the Senate today, making one last effort to provide financial relief to all those who lost millions when the San Diego Chargers failed to cover in this weekend's playoff game. "If people who got involved with bad mortgages deserve a bailout, so do those who made bad bets," Obama reasoned after checking his sportsbook.com account.

Stocks Market Plunges on Golden Globes Results

2009-01-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

News that Kate Winslet took home two Golden Globes sent investors fleeing equities this morning as the Dow Jones dropped almost 1.5%. Economists are urging investors to avoid a volatile climate in which Mickey Rourke can be awarded for anything.

Final Bush Press Conference: "I Wish I'd Eaten More Free Sandwiches"

2009-01-12T09:01:00.001-08:00

The President identified his biggest mistakes as:

Failing to wear more tank tops

Not partying in New Orleans before Katrina hit

Not naming more stuff after himself

Using government forces to torture prisoners, as opposed to the private sector, which can torture more efficiently

Much-Photographed Wall Street Trader Says His Cat Had Just Died

2009-01-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

"Not everything is about the financial crisis! I'm allowed to have moods, damn it!"

President: "$700 Billion Bailout Needed to Avoid Nightmare Scenario of $700 Billion Bailout"

2008-09-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

President Bush gave an exciting television address last night (opposite an all-new "Bones" on FOX!) in which he asked the nation to support a $700 billion bailout of Wall Street in order to avoid a financial collapse that could cost the nation $700 billion. "Banking is a tough business," the President said, "People don't realize that you don't necessarily make money just because you lend it out, then collect more back later. Only by acting now can we avoid a financial collapse which could cost the government billions."

"Without this plan we could face recession conditions of rising unemployment, a dropping stock market and lower real estate values," Bush warned. When pointed out that this is already happened, the President replied, "Still, though."

Approval of the bailout will ensure that banks are able to continue to lend large amounts of money to unqualified borrowers. The President added that it's critical in this time of crisis that we avoid any sort of Presidential debates and/or campaigning.

Dow Jones Drops 4% in Worst Collapse Since Monday

2008-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

The stock market plunged almost 3% this morning on word of it opening. "Most of us on The Street have never seen a drop of these epic proprtions before," said a broker who was hired yesterday. To quell worldwide fears the government bailed out ailing insurer AIG. AIG is now hoping to avoid bankruptcy until next week.

Despite pleas for calm many investors are pulling their funds out of the market to invest it in illegal narcotics and hookers both of which promise to be buoyant industries in a sunk economy.

Another Cartoon I Wrote for Seth MacFarlane's "Cavalcade"

2008-09-15T10:05:00.001-07:00

Something I Wrote for Seth MacFarlane's "Cavalcade of Comedy"

2008-09-10T10:13:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin Proves She's Unqualified and Ignorant Enough to Lead This Country

2008-09-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

In a speech last night that was so good Rush Limaugh liked it, Sarah Palin erased any doubts that she is the single best person to lead our nation.

Palin made it clear she's not like those "Washington Insiders" who have worked in federal government and apply their experience to make knowledgeable decisions. She would apply her complete ignorance of foreign affairs and domestic legislative and judicial rules to solve problems like immigration and Pakistani instability with simple rural charm she learned by driving her kids to hockey. Perhaps we could even eliminate the climate crisis by poring over the book of Leviticus a bit more thoroughly. We would win the war in Iraq, provide unparalleled care to those with Down's Syndrome (hopefully without resorting to science) and pay for it all with an enormous tax cut.

By the way, here's a great joke I heard last night:

Q: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick!

(note: I'm unsure if this means the hockey mom wears lipstick or the pitbull wears lipstick. Either way, it's a terrific joke that qualifies the teller to be Vice President)

"Maverick" McCain: "I Would Nominate Animals to Cabinet"

2008-09-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

The praise continues to roll in for John McCain's Vice Presidential pick as her unmarried pregnant teenager daughter, past involvement in a secession party and ignorance of Iraq show just how "maverick" a choice she was. McCain continues to insist he vetted Sarah Palin thoroughtly. Pressed for details he explained, "I saw her name printed on a piece of paper and instantly said, 'Yes.' Then, I met her. I punched her in the stomach and she didn't cry, so I knew I made the right choice."

Senator McCain says if elected he will continue to make "Maverick" decisions and would even appoint animals to serve on his cabinet. "Who would be a better Secretary of Defense than a feral owl?" McCain asked. "Owls are watchful and terrifying. They're militant, and they don't take any guff. For Secretary of Education, I would nominate a lynx to serve. They run fast and have beautifully toned hindquarters. For Health and Human Services, I'm thinking a tuna melt would be perfect. Who doesn't enjoy a tuna melt, especially when it's raining?"

"American Idol" to Phase Out Singing

2008-08-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

"American Idol" will add a fourth judge to the panel this season as part of an overall move toward eliminating singing from the show. After focus group data showed no one cared to hear yet another version of "Fever," Idol's producers realized they could simply trot out contestants and insult them based on their appearance. Contestants will tell the panel what song they would have sung, then Simon can berate their song choice, Randy can say it was just alright for him, while Paula will tell them how magical they look.

The new judge, Kara DioGuardi, has written several songs for Marc Anthony and Bo Bice, so she's experienced at telling people tactfully that they suck.

Hallmark Finds Way to Bleed Gay Wedding Invitees for an Additional $3

2008-08-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

Now that your gay friends can invite you to legal weddings in far off places with expensive registries, Hallmark is coming out...with a line of gay wedding-theme cards to bleed you of an additional $3.00 on your way to nuptial-induced financial ruin. The cards offer sentiments that you normally couldn't express for yourself such as, "Congratulations on your wedding," and, "I'm happy for you." Hallmark offers four "gay wedding cards," so odds are newly-married gay couples will receive 25 of each.

Polls show that 64% of Americans oppose gay weddings simply because they don't want to be invited to any more weddings.

This Time They've Finally Discovered the Real, Actual Bigfoot!

2008-08-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

There is no way that this giant gorilla suit stuffed into a styrofoam container that scientists are not allowed to examine is a fake Bigfoot. Fortunately, CNN has been covering this story around the clock, and their experts say the fact that the Bigfoot has eyeholes and a zipper down the back only prove its authenticity. "It is well known that Bigfoot actually looks like a guy wearing a Bigfoot suit. You can see this in conclusive soft-focus black and white photographs as well as in unimpugnable video featuring several jump cuts," said a prominent Bigfoot expert, who only coincidentally has nine roommates.

"This latest find is the most significant advancement in the field since a photo last year of something that looks as though it's either a mossy log or a giant creature lying on its side."

Obama Promises Donors, "I Will Win," but If Not, "Hey, It's Your Money"

2008-08-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today Barack Obama issued a non-binding guarantee to his donors that he will win the White House. After raising $7.8 million at a series of San Francisco events, Obama told a crowd the money was needed to break a cycle of cynicism in politics where the public - for some reason - seems to think that they need to donate money to get their voices heard. "It is only by using this money I can prove how irrelevant you are," Obama said to puzzled cheers.

Meanwhile John McCain continued to question Obama's ability to lead, noting that, "As an outsider Obama lacks the experience to realize we need an insider to act like an outsider to change politics in Washington." McCain pointed to the recent conflict in Georgia as evidence that when it comes to our next commander in chief, we need someone with the experience to do nothing about events most Americans don't understand.

Hillary Clinton to Get Another Chance to Lose Election

2008-08-14T10:21:00.001-07:00

Hillary Clinton will have a historic last chance to lose the Democratic nomination again when her name (first and last) is placed into nomination at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. Clinton has waged a historic losing campaign and both she and her supporters are thrilled to have yet another public forum to show they are thoroughly outnumbered and rebuked. The move is expected to demonstrate that not the entire Democratic party is in-step with the rest of the country. There are still a lot of people who like the old way of doing things whereby a candidate campaigns on a forum of criticizing their past votes.

Other people who won't get the nomination during the Convention include: Zac Efron, comedian Bill Engvall, and the circus performer Mishu.

The Worst-Ever News Story Illustration Picture

2008-08-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Ontario Now" wants you to know that a prostate exam is when a doctor sticks a rubber-begloved hand into your rectum. They couldn't get anyone to pose for a picture, but were luckily able to find a life-like replica buttocks to demonstrate a typical probe. So be sure to get (see above) done to you.

"Links I Refuse to Click On" - #1 in a Series

2008-08-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

Here is the first of what I hope will be a long series of the Internet's least enticing links. Congratulations to "People Magazine" for this gem:

"Pink Sends Message to Ex"??? Pink's music sucks even when she doesn't have a message. I can't imagine that this message would be interesting to anyone, even the intended recipient. To attempt to extend this non-event into a whole story sounds like a completely worthless endeavor. Nice try, Internet!!

P.S. Screw you, People Magazine!!!

China Sadly Has No Idea that Yao Ming Isn't a Big Deal

2008-08-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

With the Beijing Olympics almost upon us, many multinational companies have failed to realize that a center with no jumping ability who can't play defense and misses most of his team games isn't really that popular. "Wear the Shoe of a Man Too Slow to Keep Up with Shaquille O'Neal!" begs one ad. "Gatorade: What Yao Drinks While he Rehabs His Ankle!" says another.

UPDATE: Several companies have an emergency back-up plan to switch their spokesman to Udonis Haslem.

Favre Determined not to Let Team Distract From Him

2008-08-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

A day after returning to training camp, Green Bay Packers Quarterback Brett Favre wants to be traded saying that he can, "No longer allow the Packers to distract from him."

"After they let me retire, now I'm supposed to play for them? It doesn't make any sense," Favre said. "The only fair thing is for them to let me out of the very generous contract I signed under my own free will to go play for one of their hated rivals."

Favre contends he is in "Game shape" after spending the off-season throwing interceptions.

You Can Go Back To Mindlessly Slaughtering Gorillas

2008-08-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

Gorilla poachers finally got some great news today: it turns out there are double the amount of these eminently killable animals to wantonly slaughter than previously thought.

A new census shows more than 125,000 gorillas in the Congo - an especially remarkable statistic since perhaps even more gorillas wouldn't open the door to take the survey.

Asked to explain, one scientist guessed, "This must be a banner year for gorilla sex."