Flyers Goal Scored By...

Under Construction, We've Moved, Vince Vinegar Foreclosed On Us, Whatever

2009-09-18T07:51:00.008-04:00

See that little cute guy up there? That's a Bloguin Penguin, not a Pittsburgh Penguin. If you're some how seeing him right now, and reading this, you've got to get your butt over to www.flyersgoalscoredby.com immediately before Fran crawls out of your monitor like the girl from The Ring and kills you. Just kidding - crawls out of your monitor and types that url in for you. Kind of like a friendly ghost.

Don't worry and make sure to breath into the paper bag. Everything will be explained to you the moment you get there. We've joined a blogging network and will give any reader who wants one free rides on our private jet. Which we also get to fly!

And just to remind you why you should come over there, we're playing the Hurricanes two weeks from today in the season opener. Do you remember what we did to their fans last year? The promise of another post like this is a big enough carrot to get you over to our new spot. And to jam up your ass.

Come on over. The coffee's hot and so is your mom.

(Also, if you go to that link and are having trouble seeing the website it could just be that everybody's servers are catching up. Please see the instructions below:

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Chorus:
Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Thingsll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
Youve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Dont you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

(chorus)

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Wont you tell me now
Hold on for one more day cause
Its gonna go your way

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Cant you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

Red Wings and Maple Leafs

2009-09-17T08:18:00.002-04:00

I’ve been waiting my whole life to see that picture.

I can’t tell you much about the game except that the box score reads like a 2008-09 one would have – badly out shot and a lot of penalties, featuring Scott Hartnell. First there was a 1 next to the Flyers symbol on NHL.com but then came a 1, a 2, and finally a 3 next to the Red Wings symbol. And then the game moved to the “Final” section. That’s when I knew that they had lost. How’s that for a recap.

I also thought this picture was pretty funny/cool. If I could have shown this to you in May you would have thought I was quite the Photoshop wizard, but that is actually our team and I’m just a wizard in general. Funny...

My attention has already turned to tonight, because tonight is my first Flyers game of the new year and after that It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia premiers with an episode called “The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis” where I’ve been promised that Charlie will once again be playing the role of “lawyer.”

Is it too early to call out sick for tomorrow?

One thing is bugging me though - the Leafs had 5 fights last night. I hope that doesn’t mean they’re going to want to play more reserved tonight in London. Actually, there’s one name that hasn’t hit their fight card yet this pre-season which I doubt has gone unnoticed by Riley Cote, and that’s Colton Orr.

Shit.is.on.

(editorial note: shit.is.almost.on.)

Recessions do not apply to things that cost $8.

2009-09-16T15:56:00.001-04:00

Safe to say that there ARE indeed tickets still available for tonight’s game in Detroit. NHL tickets for under $8? Is somebody shittin’ me? If you live in Detroit how are you not scooping them up? Is there a Bill Laimbeer appearance at the 2500 Club or something? Is Train in town?

Two tickets in section 108 (Lower Level) in the 12th row are going for $28 a piece. Hockeytown, we had 2,000 people at a practice the other day. Watching drills. Get yo shit together.

Rabbit Upper Deck Rookie

2009-09-16T13:03:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure how this snuck through my legs (Cechmanek joke!), but James van Riemsdyk was included in The 2009 Upper Deck NHL Rookie Photo Shoot at the end of August. Rabbit was among 14 high profile draft picks from the past couple years such as John Tavares, Victor Hedman, Colin Wilson, Eric Tangradi, and Matt Duchene. It's nice to know that Upper Deck has already slotted Rabbit into one of the Flyers starting spots this season. It's also nice to know that they told him to "pretend he was looking at the sexiest, slutiest sandwich he had ever seen" for his glamour shot.

Red Wings Won't Put Up Fight

2009-09-16T09:26:00.003-04:00

Pre-season hockey is about one thing and one thing only - fighting. If you don't think John Stevens, and more likely Paul Holmgren, has the roster already carved out and are actually brining guys on this trip because they really need to see them in live action in order to make that decision than your crazier than a blogger who would try to guess what the lines might be for this upcoming season (see post below). Some guys will dress just because the organization wants to give them a taste, some will dress as a favor for all their contributions to the Phantoms, some will dress because they simply need bodies in order to rest the vets. It's like picking a dog at the pound - you don't really need to see what a labranodl can do out there in the puppy bowl because you already walked by him in his cage and knew he wasn't the dog for you.

So back to business. Tonight I'm hoping there are going to be 30 fights. The only problem is that since the days of Bob Probert and Joey Kocur the Red Wings have been starved for a decent fighter. In recent years Arron Downey and Darren McCarty have shed the protective hand gear when they had to, but the Red Wings have finished in the bottom three teams in fighting majors every season since 2002-03. In 2005-06 they had 17 fights all year! So I'm worried but I’m not because while I know Andy Delmore (yes, Andy Delmore) won't be dropping the gloves tonight they still have a couple guys who are fighting (ha!) for spots on the team and some other guys that might have to answer some hungry, young Flyer's call to the mat. Here are they few guys who might actually provide me with some man-on-man excitement:

Justin Abdelkader - in his first pro season out of college last year Abdelkader dropped the gloves 5 times in 76 games for the Red Wings AHL affiliate, the Grand Rapid Griffins.

Kris Newbury - this might be our best chance. He's had 97 fights in total during his 5 year OHL career and 6 year pro career, including an OHL win over Mike Richards in 2002 and an AHL win over OKT in 2005. He's only played a few NHL games in his career so you can be sure he's looking for any way he can to get up and stay up. He'd be the perfect piece of chum for Riley Cote to silence his critics with.

Daniel Cleary - he doesn't really mix it up at all, except the last time he did was with another guy who doesn't fight that much either - Chris Pronger.

And then we have a bunch of guys who have had a fight here and there in their careers and depending on their mood and needs could drop them, but most of the Red Wings we're going up against tonight are European imports with little to no edge. You think in Detroit of all places they’d buy American, or at least Canadian. I thought I was going to have a slightly longer list up there to at least give some hope to those that want to see Hartnell, Cote, Lappy, OKT, Asham, Clackson, Power, Bell, or Car Bomb let loose.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't give up hope. It is the pre-season, a magical place where even Mike Richards and Alexander Ovechkin can fight. So keep that in mind when you're listening to Chris Therien call the game tonight, because there’s a certain player trying out for the Wings who considers himself quite the tough customer:

UPDATE: Looks like the Flyers were thinking the same thing, as they're going with their Lady Byng setting:

Forwards: James van Riemsdyk, Jeff Carter, Scott Hartnell, Mark Bell, Blair Betts, Andreas Nodl, Mika Pyorala, Claude Giroux, Danny Briere, Krys Kolanos, Ian Laperriere, Jared Ross.

Defensemen: Matt Carle, Chris Pronger, Randy Jones, Ryan Parent, Oskars Bartulis, Joonas Lehtivuori.

Answer Key

2009-09-15T15:31:00.000-04:00

Everyone is is doing it, so what the fuck.

Flyers
Gagne - Richards - Briere
Hartnell - Carter - Giroux
Carcillo - Laperriere - Rabbit
Powe - Betts - Asham

Pronger - Carle
Timonen - Coburn
Jones - Parent

Emery

Healthy Scratches: Riley Cote, Olle-Kristian Tollefsen, Jason Ward

As opposed to most I think JVR makes the team right out of camp. He's much bigger, stronger, and more American than Claude Giroux was under similar circumstances last year. Some people say he needs some seasoning but I say those people are card carrying, book burning Nazis. The reason Jason Ward makes the team is because he doesn't need to play. He's not getting any better. Some guys who are possibly better players do need to keep playing hockey, even if that needs to be in the AHL, to get into the groove. If Rabbit doesn't start off well he gets sent down and if no one's ready to come up Lappy moves to the wing, Betts moves up to the 3rd line, and Ward comes in as an NHL experienced 4th line center until something can be figured out. As far as defense goes Randy Jones will be well aware that OKT will be ready to step in for him at any moment. I think this will lead to some late season 2007-08 play and not as much time for OKT as those of us that want to seem him kick some ass would like.

Phantoms
Kolanos - Ross - Maroon
Pyorala - Matsumoto - Lalibirte
Dingle - Kalinski - Nodl
Kaspar - Rinaldo - Bellamy

Syvret - Ratchuk
Marshall - Bourdon
Lehtivuori - Sloane

Scratches and ECHL bound: Josh Belieau, Garrett Klotz, Matt Clackson, Oskars Bartulis, Sean Curry, Joey Mormina

The Phantoms are a lot more difficult to project, in a good way, because 8 or 9 of their forwards are almost there when it comes to playing 3rd or 4th line in the NHL. It's time to say goodbye to Klotz and Clackson. Neither are very good fighters and we don't need to waste time or space developing pugilists. Bartulis had his chance and didn't develop as needed and Curry and Mormina lose out because the Flyers seem to be interested in Sloane for some reason. And I don't really give a shit who the Phantoms goalie is. Unless it's me, then I would like to at least be warned.

There it is, you can stop wondering. If this is anything less than 100% correct when October 2nd comes I will move to Pittsburgh.

Oh yeah, almost forgot:

Yaroslavl Lokomotiv
Irgl - Yashin - Bell

RIley Cote Looking for New Tattoo

2009-09-15T13:25:00.002-04:00

Unconfirmed sources (Eklund) are reporting that Riley Cote is preparing to get a spiritual tattoo that he hopes will help his chances at making the Flyers this season. Apparently he's decided to turn to JC for some help on this one, as a list of his final choices have been leaked, and let me tell you, they are rather impressive:

(Click on the picture of a larger image)

Our personal favorite here, after many hours of deliberation, is the imposing "got jesus?" tattoo because it not only says what it means but it also implies that if you don't then you better get some. Or maybe even better, you're about to get some and Riley Cote's going to give it to you. It's a very aggressive point and that's the kind of Jesus attitude Cote needs to make the squad - Aggressive Jesus.

There were some other ones that we really like too including the "It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees" and "Jesus got nailed for my sins" options but we did not enjoy the sexual double entendres that these hinted at. We did however like the "Body Piercing saved my life" option because it was done very tastefully.

So Rockin' Riles needs your help! What should his next tattoo be?

Happy NHL10 Day!

2009-09-15T10:38:00.002-04:00

One of the best days of the year is here. The day when the old, scratched up disk in my xbox gets retired to the Shelf of Fame, and replaced with this year's model. I'm talking of course about NHL10, EA Sports' hockey game that takes up as much of my free time as watching hockey does. There are reviews aplenty out there today, but seriously, if you are a puckhead, chances are you're reading this blog...and chances are you'll be in line at Gamestop tonight as soon as the work whistle blows. I'm pumped to see what the new look Flyers play like, and to start as many fights with Chris Pronger as possible. The demo was fun, but I freakin' hated playing the Wings/Penguins for the past 2 weeks. I need some Orange&Black. If you don't think the first thing I'm doing is dropping the gloves with Talbot and Carcillo, then you are sorely mistaken. If you're like me, you'll be playing this nonstop until May. There are some decent new modes, like the Battle for the Cup(just the playoffs), and also some nifty new gameplay features like board play and precision passing. It's enough to make me want to call out of work sick, tape up my thumbs, grab an orange soda and play until I puke.

So go get it already! And if you're playing on Xbox 360, send us an email and we'll get a FGSB group going for weekly battles over the innernette. Check out Puck Daddy's review as well as Metacritic's score.

And no, this isn't a sponsored post, although it feels like one. But shit, if Microsoft, EA or anyone else wants to throw me some Wawa shorti money, I'll talk about anything (except for children, I'm required by law not to talk about, to look at, to have, to build cool forts for, or to socialize with children). Let's Go Flyers.

Charles Manson Fingers Orest Kindrachuk, Judah Friedlander Captains Toronto Bench to Safety

2009-09-15T08:10:00.001-04:00

Last night we were testing out some new equipment here at the lab (equipment not referring to guns, unless you want it to, then e-mail us) and managed to catch this more or less mundane clip of a tussle between Orest Kindrachuk and Errol Thompson. Except, let me ask you a question: what do Orest Kindrachuk, Charles Manson, Judah Friedlander, Tom Jones’s mom, and Big Bird have in common?

This clip.

When you watch the clip below the first thing you’re going to see is Kindrachuk feed old Errol a couple hard right uppercuts. That’s fine. But as things start to calm down the calamity ensues. Right after Don Saleski moves out of the view of the camera you’ll notice what I believe to be, and our lab is still confirming, Charles Manson and one of his “family” members in the first row not once, but twice giving Orest the middle finger. What he was doing out of jail you’ll have to check with your local FBI agent.

Now you’re really going to have to pay attention because the next scene is mind-bottling. When the producer switches cameras, probably after recognizing Manson, you are confronted with a scene that will leave you baffled until they cut away to the Flyers bench. Sure, that’s the Toronto coach standing on the bench watching the scrum. But who is that next to him? Is that the captain of a boat? Are they maybe on a boat or does the assistant coach just like to dress up like a yacht captain? And now that I’m actually getting some time to digest this vision laid out before me, is that Judah Friedlander, formerly of Dave Matthews video fame and currently playing Frank on 30 Rock? Is that one of his funny hats?

The producer then cuts to the Flyers bench and momentarily everything is back to normal. Just a bunch of guys standing on the bench. And then they cut to a close up of Errol Thompson. Holy shit is that guy goofy looking. Hey honestly looks like the product of a one-night stand between Tom Jones’ mom and Big Bird. And not Don Saleski, the one from Sesame Street. No wonder Orest Kindrachuk wanted to punch that thing in the face – he probably figured he’d be helping him out.

Anyway, here’s the clip. I’ve prepared you as best I can. Keep in mind this is all with less than two minutes left in tied playoff game.

KHL, Hope You Like Taco Bell

2009-09-14T10:32:00.000-04:00

Because that's what it looks like you're getting. I was reading through some of Tim Panaccio's latests works and came across this little tidbit in the Loose Pucks section of his most recent article:

"Mark Bell, here on a tryout, said a two-way contract would not be acceptable to him. He said he plans on making the Flyers’ roster outright."

Well Mark Bell, I don't know if it's just Panaccio's wording but I'm not sure I like your attitude. I thought you might have a slight chance at making the team when you were the only real veteran try-out that was invited. But as soon as I heard Blair Betts was coming to town I thought "Mark Bell, your 41 AHL points from last season do not impress me but I'm sure you'll be a very good player for the Phantoms or some other AHL team." Now that you have stated that you will not accept a two-way contract I don't think you have much chance of joining the organization.

Since his DUI in 2007 Bell has been a shell of the player that had back-to-back 20 goal seasons for the Blackhawks. Unless he focused harder on hockey than I do on building birdhouses that look like real houses this summer I don't think Bell has much of a shot making any NHL club. And when you can't play in the show and you refuse to play in the A there's one league that's always waiting to welcome former NHLers with open arms and a bottle of vodka.

After the Flyers say "thanks but no thanks" Bell's agent will surely shop him around the league. But come November Bell will we wearing a Lokomotiv jersey and burying one-timers off the stick of Alexi Yashin without a doubt.

Fighting Ban Will Come at Great Cost

2009-09-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

I watched an OHL preseason fight last night and was in one of my moods where I’m simply shocked that two players from opposing teams are allowed to assault each other in the middle of a game. As you know we love fighting here, but there is something about it that strikes me as a bit archaic and even barbaric. In this particular fight one of the kids was getting worked pretty well and had to leave the game because he was bleeding profusely from the side of his head. It didn’t seem very sportsmanlike to me.

Afterwards my mind drifted to thoughts of Don Sanderson, who died when his head hit the ice last year during a fight, and then Todd Fedoruk laying motionless on the ice after having his face re-broken by Colton Orr at the tail end of the 2006-07 season. What happens when an NHL player gets punched and dies? I know this question has often been used by anti-fighting advocates for years now, but seriously, what happens? I’ll tell you: the league will have to, if not forced by the legal systems of the United States and Canada then at least the NHL fan base, eliminate fighting all together. Change the penalty from a 5 minute major to a game misconduct with the length of suspension growing with each offense. The sad thing is we’ll eventually get to this rule change. The NHL addressed bench clears, third man in, instigating, and even considered addressing staged fights this off season. All of these rule changes have been reactionary, and when fighting is eliminated, whether it be this season or in 2077, it will be because a 22 year old from Toronto is dead.

What if before that happens someone starts karate chopping people? I’m serious. I went to the NHL website to check out the rule book, and while there are plenty of rules regarding how the fighting should be done, there’s none that really define a “fight” except as an event where punches are thrown:

47.1 Fighting – A fight shall be deemed to have occurred when at least one player (or goalkeeper) punches or attempts to punch an opponent repeatedly or when two players wrestle in such a manner as to make it difficult for the Linesmen to intervene and separate the combatants.

I am well aware of “The Code” that NHL players and pundits talk about incessantly, but I think it’s bullshit. The Code basically says that anything is justifiable if it was deserved, nothing more. Fight fair unless the circumstances call for something else. That’s not a code, that’s chaos.

So eventually some kid is going to start throat punching, which I think would end most fights pretty quickly, or literally karate chopping opponents in their faces. Will this lead to ultimate fighting gloves under hockey gloves? Will it lead to stoppages in play after players inform the officials they wish to fight, and then they can climb to the top of their podiums and joust like American Gladiators?

I would never vote to remove fighting from hockey. For whatever reason I’m willing to ignore my common sense just because it think it’s so entertaining. But ask me again when someone dies or ends up paralyzed. It might take that event to change my mind too, unfortunately.

Weekend Review

2009-09-13T16:46:00.003-04:00

Man, go to Rhode Island for a few days to break into Brian Boucher’s childhood bedroom and you sure do miss a lot. I’ve been poking around the internet and it looks like this is what’s happening, in case you were away from the web for the weekend as well:

- new/old jerseys revealed for the Winter Classic
- rookie win against the Caps with 4 Rabbit points and two crappy Clackson fights
- fitness testing yesterday
-all 59 guys, including Gagne, Maroon, Betts, and Bell were on the ice this morning for the first official full team skate of the season.
- games this week, including the Leafs on the NHL Network on Thursday
- cuts start next Monday and the team should be finalized by the 30th in preparation for opening night on October 2nd.

Is that about it?

The only real question on everyone’s mind and typewriters seems to be who the forwards are going to be that join Carter, Richards, Briere, Gagne, Lappy, Asham, Giroux, Carcillo, and Hartnell. The real contenders seem to be Betts, Powe, and Rabbit. From what I understand the Flyers only have 49 contracts so Betts might actually be a Flyer this year even though Homer prefers to leave some space between himself and any sort of restricting rules. I think Powe – Betts – Asham (with Cote in the press box) is a really strong 4th line so I wouldn’t mind seeing Homer make a move.

Getting back to what I missed, I have a question about the Winter Classic Jersey thing. I looked at the photos and the whole thing seemed a little weird. I mean, I could see the jersey through the ice so…. And none of the guys wanted to wear some event pants? Gagne serious with those Chucks? Either way, what happens when we need a new jersey for something else at some point down the road? We’re really raping this retro thing. Might have to go future next time. Like metal numbers and glow stick names or something. I guess be fine with any jersey they reveal for their next change/event as long as it has nothing to do with this:

And while I have you. Who is offering some serious coverage of this camp? I want to know what number Betts is wearing, I want to know if any of the guys got a little rough, I want to know where guys who are at camp on a tryout are staying and who’s paying for it. Is anyone attending camp and really giving the detailed scoop? If you happen to know please holler at me in the comments.

Fran! Operation Rookie Dong is off the ground!

2009-09-11T12:05:00.000-04:00

I did it! As I write this on my Blackberry I'm hiding in Jon Kalinski's bag dressed like a fisherman. I know you said if I was hiding I didn't need a disguise but I thought best to double bag it. Why a fisher man? Because if I get caught I'll just say "this isn't my boat!" and act all surprised. Genius I know.

Anyway, in about an hour I'll have pictures of all the Flyers rookie's wangs and then we can post them on the internet and get rich and famous. Our fail proof plan is proving to be just that! I've even been thinking of nicknames they'll call us while lay here sweating my ass off - Ryan and Fran Perez TMZ. What do you think?

Also, operation Berube Balls was a failure. We can discuss during WarCraft tonight.

Big Day: Winter Classic Jersey & Rookies Game

2009-09-11T08:24:00.006-04:00

The Flyers got alot of stuff going on today.

First, they're unveiling the jersey they'll soon be selling to you and I for the Winter Classic. Everyone believes that it'll be a throwback to the iconic 70s white sweaters as shown above. I doubt the league will want Chris Pronger potentially camouflaged in a white jersey while its snowing in Boston on New Years Day. I also doubt Patrice Bergeron will be able to skate off the ice under his own power if Randy 'White Shark' Jones is circling the rink. (h/t for the pic from The Hockey News)

Secondly, and more importantly, we got hockey to watch at work! At 3pm, the Flyers rookies take on the Washington Capitals rookies in a game that is always fun to watch. JVRabbit will be out there, so will Cup'O Nodl, Matsumoto and everybodys "it" guy, Patrick Maroon. Newcomers Kevin Marshall and Marc-Andre Bourdon will be on the blueline, and it'll be nice to see what they've learned in the Q so far. Last years game was a bit of a blowout in the opposite direction, but it saw alot of solid play from our rookies, as well as some tussles. This year, I think we get a war. Guys know this might be their last time to impress Papa Stevens, and I predict we're going to see a great pond hockey type game all while hiding the tiny videoplayer from our bosses on this Friday afternoon. Both are available to view on flyers.nhl.com and csnphilly.com. It's the weekend, and tomorrow is the start of camp. Get happy people. Let's Go Flyers.

CHL: Last and Maybe Least

2009-09-11T07:59:00.000-04:00

Running backs come from the Big Ten, point guards come from the ACC, and left fielders come from The University of Miami. But as to where the NHL's superstars come from little is known except for "Canada." Well that's right. A lot of the best NHL talent comes directly from three Major Junior Leagues in Canada that are collectively referred to as the Canadian Hockey League (CHL). They are the Western Hockey League (WHL), the Ontario Hockey League (OHL), and the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League (QMJHL). As a matter of fact, 16 of the 20 guys on the Flyers roster today came from the CHL. Each of the next three mornings during Rookie Week I'm going to shine some light on one of these leagues in a Flyer fan friendly manner. Letting you know why you should care about these leagues as a Flyers fans and hopefully getting some of you off along the way. Bare minimum, you'll be able to make someone who does not know anything about the Flyers but proceeds to tell you he does as he sits there in his orange Roenick jersey look like an assdick by letting him know that even though Ole-Kristian Tollefsen is Norwegian he actually played his junior hockey in the WHL for the Brandon Wheat Kings. Today, we’re taking a look at le QMJHL.

As far as reputations go this league has one that rivals your mom’s. The Q has produced players like Mario Lemieux, Guy Lafleur, and Patrick Roy – some of the most skilled players in the history of the game. But it also happens to exist in a region that has at times been at war with the rest of Canada. Many Canadians feel strongly about le Provence, and by strongly I mean in a negative way, in case you were wondering. That negativity comes out in many forms when discussing les Quoi.

"It was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up."

While that quote comes from clown mouthpiece Sean Avery after someone ran a teammate of his it echoes many of the sentiments that are shared, at least among friends over a few beers, throughout the provinces west - Canadians look at French Canadians and everything they do with a bit of skepticism and a bit of distaste. But The Q as a league is personified by its alumni on the Flyers roster - 3 gentle players and one crazy guy. You can’t accuse a league that produced Georges Laraque and Donald Brashear of “not backing anything up.” Unless you’re an idiot Ranger. Then I suppose it’s expected.

This map is a little outdated as that team you see way up in the Northeast corner in St. John's will be playing the rest of their days as the Montreal Junior Hockey Club right in Montreal. Otherwise, this is it. The Q is composed of teams from not only Quebec, but also Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, P.E.I., and one American team in Lewiston, Maine. The Maineiacs. I don’t get it…

The Q has always been about scoring and therefore it should come as no surprise that the top 6 all-time single season scorers in CHL history from this league:

1st - 282 - Mario Lemieux, Laval Voisins, 1983–84 (70 games)
2nd - 251 - Pierre Larouche, Sorel Éperviers, 1973–74 (67 games)
3rd - 234 - Pat LaFontaine, Verdun Juniors, 1982–83 (70 games)
4th - 227 - Michel Deziel, Sorel Éperviers, 1973–74 (69 games)
5th - 216 - Real Cloutier, Quebec Remparts, 1973–74 (69 games)
6th - 214 - Jacques Cossette, Sorel Éperviers, 1973–74 (68 games)

Those are some serious points per game right there.

All those points, however, have not led to much success when these QMJHL teams faceoff against The W and The O for the Mem Cup. A team from The Q has only been able to capture the cup 8 times since the tournament started. Not even the 73-74 Sorel Eperviers could win the cup despite having numbers 2, 4, and 6 in all-time single season scoring on their team. (As a matter of fact the Eperviers didn’t even win the President’s Cup that season, losing to the Quebec Remparts and Real Cloutier, #5 on that list. What a season for The Q. I think that was the year they tried the 8x8 nets.) Hell, even Lady Luck herself, Sidney Crosby, couldn’t win the Mem Cup when it came down to a showdown between his Rimouski Oceanic and the mighty Danny Syvret’s London Knights.

As far as the Flyers are concerned, as mentioned previously, three of their most skilled forwards and one new addition are former QMJHL snipers:

Daniel Briere – Drummondville Voltigeurs
Simon Gagne – Quebec Remparts
Claude Giroux – Gatineau Olympiques
Ian Laperriere - Drummondville Voltigeurs

I bet ten grand (or a Klondike bar) you couldn’t rank these players by highest single season point totals. Oh, now you know something’s fishy, eh? Well I hope you guessed already because here it is: Briere (163), Laperriere (140), Gagne (120), Giroux (112). Lappy can snipe! I know it’s probably just due to the fact that Lappy played in The Q 20 years ago when there was no such thing as “defense” but I like how I used it to trick you!

As opposed to the two other leagues we’ve looked at a lot of the Flyers future might depend on The Q. Getting ready to play the Caps this afternoon we have our two best defensive prospects, Kevin Marshall and Marc-Andre Bourdon, who were integral parts of their respective teams’ post-season runs in the QMJHL playoffs last season. We have recently signed goaltender Nicola Riopel and one of this year’s 6th round picks David Labrecque. Other players in the system that have moved on from The Q to pro hockey include Mario Kempe, Oskars Bartulis, Frederik Cabana, and David Lalibertie.

All in all, for some biased reason I’m sure, I’m not very interested in The Q. I like the guys we have from there but the stigma is real and really sticky. Maybe it’s the language, maybe it’s the Crosby, I’m not sure. It’s strange too because I’ve always wanted to go to a CHL game and this league is probably my best chance, but it just doesn’t get me revved up the way the other two leagues do. As a matter of fact I think over the last three days the WHL may have overtaken the OHL as my favorite league. It’s too bad we have almost no prospects to follow this season in any of the leagues. Here’s to the 30th pick overall in next year’s draft.

CHL: Who's Next...

2009-09-10T08:15:00.000-04:00

Running backs come from the Big Ten, point guards come from the ACC, and left fielders come from The University of Miami. But as to where the NHL's superstars come from little is known except for "Canada." Well that's right. A lot of the best NHL talent comes directly from three Major Junior Leagues in Canada that are collectively referred to as the Canadian Hockey League (CHL). They are the Western Hockey League (WHL), the Ontario Hockey League (OHL), and the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League (QMJHL). As a matter of fact, 16 of the 20 guys on the Flyers roster today came from the CHL. Each of the next three mornings during Rookie Week I'm going to shine some light on one of these leagues in a Flyer fan friendly manner. Letting you know why you should care about these leagues as a Flyers fans and hopefully getting some of you off along the way. Bare minimum, you'll be able to make someone who does not know anything about the Flyers but proceeds to tell you he does as he sits there in his orange Roenick jersey look like an assdick by letting him know that even though Ole-Kristian Tollefsen is Norwegian he actually played his junior hockey in the WHL for the Brandon Wheat Kings. Today, we’re taking a look at the OHL.

The first thing you need to know about the OHL is this:

Yes, that is Rob Lowe of the fictitious Hamilton Bulldogs scoring a game winning goal against the also fictitious Thunder Bay Bombers that sends his teammates, who include Patrick Swayze, Peter Zezel, Steve Thomas, and Keanu Reeves, into a frenzy.

Now that we’re all operating on the same level….here’s the OHL. On a map!

I’ve always considered the OHL to be the real-deal Junior league, and I think getting an impartial opinion from a Canadian would be just about impossible so that’s what I’m going to continue to think. The OHL has without a doubt produced most of the top North American players to be drafted over the past 15 years. Of last season’s 50 leading scorers 12 were from the OHL while the WHL and QMJHL had 8 a piece. When you look at leading scorers among defenseman, however, you’ll find only 3 compared to the WHL’s 7 and the QMJHL’s zero. This actually may not be that surprising as when I think of The O I picture defensemen like Luke Richardson and Ryan Parent. Not necessarily guys who put up a ton of points but definitely play solid defense and smash the occasional unsuspecting forward.

Since the Memorial Cup Tournament went to the three league format in 1972 an OHL team has won only 13 times in those 37 years, but the league currently has possession of the cup after Eric Wellwood and the Windsor Spitfires ran the gamut this past Spring. All three leagues post their fare share of talent in the NHL, but just know this season that when you’re watching Joe Thornton, the Staal boys, Marc Savard, Patrick Kane, and Rick Nash that they’re all exports of Ontario.

As far as the Flyers go, this league is arguably the source of the team’s core and most talented players. Like the WHL, there are six Flyboys on today’s roster who spent their formative years in the OHL:

Daniel Carcillo – Sarnia Sting
Mike Richards – Kitchener Rangers
Jeff Carter – Sault Ste Marie Greyhounds
Ray Emery – Sault Ste Marie Greyhounds
Chris Pronger – Peterborough Petes
Ryan Parent – Guelph Storm

Factoring out Kimmo as a football (soccer) loving Euro, Richards, Carter, and Pronger are going to be the nucleus of the Flyers for at least the next two years.

Over the past 20 season the Flyers have taken 20 kids from the OHL, which is far below the WHL (33) and the QMJHL (28). Interestingly enough however the trend is reversed for the 1st round, which we all know is the only round that isn’t a complete crap shoot. Whereas the organization has gone to The Q three times during the 1st round over the past 20 years and The W four times, they’ve hit up The O five times with mixed results. Carter and Richards seem to be panning out in ways that Justin Williams, Mike Ricci, and Steve Downie just didn’t.

We currently only have a few guys we drafted in the system who are OHL affiliated. Josh Beaulieu who is looking more and more like an AHL lifer, Patrick Maroon who the Flyers shipped off to London for a year to give him that smoky Canadian flavor , and Zac Rinaldo who I’d wager to guess will be returning to The O after training camp. We’ve also acquired some former OHL talent in Danny Syvret, Jeff Szwez, Jason Ward and few other floaters.

Now if you’re still having any doubts that the OHL is the real deal then listen up good – Chris “Fucking” Therien played in the OHL. So there’s that. Up tomorrow, the lady of the CHL, the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League.

Big Ups from Broadway

2009-09-09T20:50:00.004-04:00

Jim Cerny, long time reporter for all things hockey in the New York area, wrote up a pretty nice article about the Flyers on his blog. He brings all the summer moves into the perspective as an outsider, and has great things to say about the Flyers. Naturally, his biggest objection to Philly going undefeated is the goalie situation. I think a deaf hermit in the Tibetan mountainside knows that Philly has a "goalie situation" this year... last year... every year. It wouldn't be Philly without it.

Cerny goes on to say, and I quote:

"This Flyers team is going to be an absolute bitch to play against this year, adding Pronger and Laperriere to the rugged and abrasive group that consists of Daniel Carcillo, Scott Hartnell, Riley Cote, Arron Asham, and Braydon Coburn.

But like the Broad Street Bully Flyers of the mid-'70's, this group is not just filthy. They are filthy good."

Thanks Jim. Ed Snider will remember this if you ever cross him. I think you just blogged your one time get-out-of-jail-free card from the Orange & Black faithful. It's nice to see a Rangers reporter talking up the Flyers before the season begins, probably because there is nobody worth writing about on the Blueshirts.

This article seems like a bit of foreshadowing to me. I see what every away team announcer will be telling me for the entire 2009-10 season. Center Ice always gives me road announcers. Always. I don't get JJ, Jonsey/Clement and Coatsey. So when I read an away team reporter talking about "Such gritty additions to a solid core, but their goalie is a concern." I know I'm going to be hearing those same sentiments until March. I guess things could be worse. I could be a Rangers beat writer.

Let's Go Flyers.

Don't. Sneeze.

2009-09-09T14:51:00.003-04:00

Getting primed and painted, the Wachovia Center's ice got a fresh coat today. This pic is from FlyersOnTheFly twitter. How'd you like to have this job? Painting the logos on the ice? Talk about a steady hand. If I was the PA announcer, I'd totally fuck with this guy. Playing Jock Jams and blowing the goal horn as he went into the tight corners. He'd have to start over 15 times, and there I'd be, smiling contently in my organ filled media control room.

Seeing this picture confirms what we've been talking about for the past week. It's hockey season. Let's Go Flyers.

CHL: One at a Time

2009-09-09T08:01:00.002-04:00

As you can see above the WHL is comprised of teams in the western provinces of Canada and maybe surprisingly the Northwestern United States. Both of the other leagues in the CHL have teams in the U.S. too but the WHL is the only one with an entire division of American teams. If you're a Grey's Anatomy fan, which apparently it's very cool not to be since everyone said so, this is the league for you.

The WHL is the league with all the farm boys. Kids who play major junior tend to stick to their provinces for the most part and out West, well, is out West. There are some exceptions like Ryan Parent who is actually from Prince Albert and, as you'll see tomorrow, went to play in the OHL. It can turn out to be all about the draft. And yes, these leagues draft 15 year old's like the NHL later drafts 18 year old's. These farm boys, however, know how to play puck. One thing I have failed to mention up until this point is that winning your own league within the CHL is a great accomplishment, but after the league championships are done the 3 winners and a 4th wild card play in a round robin tournament for the Memorial Cup. The WHL has taken the Mem Cup home 2 times in the last 3 years and 18 times in all. Some big names who helped their teams to these championships include Luke Schenn of the Maple Leafs, Milan Lucic of the Bruins, and Mike Green of the Capitals.

Of the Flyers currently on the roster, 6 spent their Junior years in the WHL:

Arron Asham - Red Deer Rebels
Scott Hartnell - Prince Albert Raiders
Riley Cote - Prince Albert Raiders
Braydon Coburn - Portland Winterhawks
Brian Boucher - Tri-City Americans
OKT - Brandon Wheat Kings

One thing you're going to find out over the next few days is that all Major Junior teams in the CHL have badass names. It's the combination of those crazy Canadian towns and cool nicknames like the Hitmen, Blades, and Oil Kings that combine to form unique club monikers that you'll never find in the U.S. You can tell me that you don't want a Moosejaw Warriors or Chilliwak Bruins t-shirt but you'd be shittin' me, so don't even bother.

Of those guys above I'd have to say Scott Hartnell left the biggest mark on the league, purely because he was the league's first pick in 2000 NHL draft at sixth overall. Coburn was also the WHL's first NHL draft pick when the 2003 draft came along, but was taken at the 8th spot. Who went higher is probably moreso a measure of the other players in the draft than their worth to the league, but I'll do whatever the hell I want. Arron Asham tore the league up in his own right, with both his stick and his fists and was picked in the 3rd round of the '96 draft and we all know the Riley Cote story. Brian Boucher took the road less traveled for a Rhode Island boy and headed off to Kennewick, WA after some stellar goaltending at the RI prep school Mount Saint Charles. And OKT was one of those rare cases where an NHL team drafts a European player and actually manages to get him to come learn the North American style of hockey in the CHL. Probably why OKT is such an ass kicking robot.

Over the last 20 years the Flyers have drafted more players from the WHL than any of the three CHL leagues, although they haven't had much luck with those picks. Some of the more prominent names include Todd Fedoruk, Bouch himself, Luca Sbisa, and Triston Grant. Currently in the system the Flyers only have two goalies from the league: Adam Morrision and Jacob DeSerres. If I was to have gone 30 years back the Flyers first round pick from 1979 would have squeezed in and thrown of my whole data set (yeah I have data sets). That summer the Flyers used the 14th overall pick to draft a kid from the Brandon Wheat Kings by the name of Brian Propp. A kid who had just scored 194 points in 71 games and would go on to score over 1,000 points in his NHL career.

So now you know that these places - British Columbia, Manitoba, Alberta, Saskatchewan - yeah, they're real. And they're not near the north pole (even though parts of them are). They are in fact home to some of the best junior hockey teams in the world. And all I'm asking is that maybe next time you recognize that.

Tomorrow, the big, bad OHL.

I've Got a PhilaBoner

2009-09-08T14:58:00.001-04:00

Can I just say thank God for Philabright? Blood injections, Rabbit laughing, and now Blair Betts coming to Camp?

This is significant news, for Betts not only poses a threat in the sense that some Flyers hopeful will be playing for the Phantoms this season, but also that the addition of Betts means the subtraction of someone who is currently under contract for the Flyers. Which smells like a Dingle for a 6th rounder kind of deal. It's also significant because the alliteration that is Blair Betts is much more promising for hilarity than all we're currently working with in Arron Asham. Because his name's Blair.

Betts is an excellent penalty killer and a solid 4th line center. He was most recently in the headlines when Donald Brashear broke his face in the playoffs last year, which led to the Rangers season ticket holders booing Brash when he was introduced at some team function last week. Man would these stupid New Yorkers be confused if they saw their beloved Blair Betts wearing number 15 for the Flyers this season.

Betts will turn 30 this year and could be a very integral piece of a 4th line that sees 7 to 8 minutes a night. If he somehow finds his way onto the Flyers roster this season he could be a steal at $600k or less. He's no Todd Bertuzzi, but he has Dowd Appeal. His profile on Hockey's Future very closely resembles this of Jim Dowd's from Dowd's days in college:

"Excellent two-way forward who can pot the occasional goal. Loves gold mining and wearing top hats. His monocle helps him to see things on the ice that other forwards simply do not. Was almost included as part of the Louisiana purchase."

Well, maybe just the first sentence actually. Betts did have a 52.3% faceoff win percentage last season, which we all know is something that is very high on the Flyers list of wants. Just behind a night with the newly unsuspended Fran. If Betts is willing to sign a two-way deal we could be fielding quite the team in Adirondack this season, although he would spend most, if not all, of his time with the Flyers I'd think.

Poor Rockin' Riles! That mountain just keeps getting bigger and bigger, steeper and icier. Just impossible.

Welcome back

2009-09-08T10:04:00.005-04:00

Seeing how today is the first day of rookie camp, the NHL has decided to lift my summer-long suspension, I'm now free to continue blogging on the best muthereffin' hockey blog on the planet. For those of you who didn't know, I was restrained and cut off by the NHL for lewd and indecent behavior, something they said was "detrimental to the Flyers organization, and the NHL product." It really sucked. I was silenced from Game 6 of the Flyers-Penguins series up until today, the unofficial start of the Flyers season. I mean, you show your dick ONE time to Chris Pronger and look what happens. Jeabus, he wasn't even a Flyer when I did it! PLUS, it wasn't even in the arena, it was right by his car in the parking lot. Some of us fans can't catch a break...

But irregardless, I'm back. I feel like Nintendo when they ditched NES for SuperNES. Yeah baby, I'm 64 bit now. Once my press pass gets shipped, I'll be covering the inside stories, transactions, the gameday threads, and being the wind beneath Ryan's badass level of hockey blogging wings. It's already September, and I can sense my copy of NHL 10 is shipping today. Oh yes, we've made it my fellow phans. All thats left to do is order Center Ice, buy 150 cases of Jagermeister, and get a nonstop flow of Applebee's Jack Daniels boneless wings delivered right to my door every game night at 7pm. Just thinking that as I type this, Danny Breeze, Lappy, Gags, Kimmo and Coburn are chucking pucks at the net makes me forget how terrible the blogging suspension really was.

It's on like Donkey Kong. Let's Go Flyers.

Oh yeah, Philabright is already hard at work covering the rookie camp (twitter feed)

2009-10 Season Officially Underway

2009-09-07T15:43:00.001-04:00

I’m not afraid to prematurely congratulate you – you made it. I’m not worried about getting too excited too early because I don’t think there’s anything premature about it. Sure, the season doesn’t start until October 2nd. But that all depends on your definition of “season.” If you want to look at like an English/Math teacher then yes, the season starts 3 weeks from Friday. And if you want to look at it like Chris Berman the season starts with the opening of training camp on Saturday. But this is neither school nor the football season, and hockey works differently. No sport gets as little press in the off-season and therefore no off-season seems as long (especially when your GM goes and gets everyone way too excited way too early in the Summer). So we get to celebrate a little early.

Today actual Flyers are under the tutelage of their coach. One of them might play all 82 games, some of them might only make one appearance this season. But the Flyers have begun their 2009-10 march to the Stanley Cup. When they’re showing a recap of the Flyers season during the conference finals in May and they’re covering Pronger and Emery, all the injuries, the other predictable storylines, I want you to think back to today, Labor Day 2009, with all the other Philly fans that really bleed Orange first. Because just like the gang banger who doesn’t pay attention to the increased probability of getting arthritis from participating in too many drivebys NBC is not going to pay much attention to when the march really started. So today when Tiger Woods shot a 63 at the Deutsche Bank, when Jamie Moyer returned to the starting 5, when you’re uncle at 8 hot dogs and even more impressively drank 14 Bud Light Lime’s at the annual barbeque – man does that guy decide when it’s a party or what. Today is the day the season started.

So here’s to us, and your uncle, on a Monday that kind of feels like a Sunday but if you think about it enough feels like a Monday. Congratulations – shit is on. And if you don’t believe me how do you explain the fact that Penguins rookies are already getting beat(en?) up?

Case Closed, Problem Solved

2009-09-06T10:26:00.003-04:00

I’m getting the feeling that a lot of you don’t think Riley Cote’s going to make the squad this season. Still, even after my very moving, very award-winning piece on him last month. But I like you guys. And I like Riley Cote. So I’ve been trying to think of ways to work around this.

Ok, the problem is that there are 10 guys competing for 1 spot - Ward, Kolanos, Kaspar, Maroon, Bell, Kalinski, Nodl, Pyorala, Ross, and the man himself, Riley Cote. Is Riley Cote as good a hockey player as any of those guys? No, no he is not. He can’t shoot, skate, pass, or defend as well as well as an amalgamation of their worst attributes could. But he could beat any of them up, and maybe even all of them at the same time like a Jackie Chan fight scene.

If Riley Cote were the premier heavyweight in the league we’re not having this discussion. We’re talking about how Giada de Laurentiis is like the slutty version of Natalie Portman in Garden State. Like right next to that “Easy” button there was a “Slutty” button, and you pressed that one in regards to Sam from the hit coming of age/adults need pills too but they’re not called vitamins film, Garden State. But that’s not the case. What we’re facing here is astounding number of viewer determined losses on Riley Cote’s fight card. Here’s the deal though – I don’t think he lost most of those fights. And I have an easy way for him to remind you all that he’s the toughest fighter that the Flyers have seen since Dave Brown. All he needs to do is cut his hair.

Let’s face it, even fight scientist like myself hardly know what’s going on in a fight. You can only watch one thing at a time and what you really need to be looking at is six – 2 heads and 4 fists. If you spend the fight watching Riles’ opponent’s head than every punch that guy throws looks like it gets him another step closer to a win. Even if most times it misses or glances off Riley’s helmet. The thing is that Cote’s head is always moving so much, whether getting punched or not, and therefore his hair is flying around and it looks like he’s getting rock ‘em sock ‘emed. When I guarantee that if you go back and watch some of those “losses” again they were more likely draws.

Who are the toughest guys in the league? Donald Brashear, Jody Shelley, George Parros, Colton Orr, Eric Godard. Rockin’ Riles has fought and even beaten some of these guys. I swear that if you removed that Brashear beat down from his fights last year no one would even be questioning whether or not he’d make it this year.

So Riley, if you’re reading this, or more likely someone is reading this to you, come into camp with a no-nonsense Sergeant Slaughter haircut. Actually, he was balding I think. Come in with a same length all over very short “I did this myself using clippers” look that lets these guys know who our 4th line left winger is. And then come out and beat the bone marrow out of every single guy on our team and every other team in training camp and the preseason. Because unfortunately it looks like you’re back in the same position you were two years ago with this group.

Mark Bell not the Only Unemployed Player Coming to Camp

2009-09-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

Lost in the Mark Bell tryout news, which I must say I’m looking forward to seeing how that all pans out, was the news that there’s another veteran getting a tryout during this year’s camp. Logan Stephenson is a 23 year old defenseman from Saskatoon with three years in the AHL under his belt. He’s a former second round pick from the 2004 draft (just missed out on adding to your collection Paul!) who spent all of his Major Junior career with the Tri-City Americans of the WHL, and his first two years of pro with the Coyotes AHL affiliate. But he had quite the opposite experience last year, being a throw-into bigger deals twice in one season.

He’s another stay-at-home defenseman who doesn’t put up many points that has a slight edge when he needs it. At 6’3 and almost 200 lbs. he has decent size and uses it well, according to Hockey’s Future:

Stephenson is a big aggressive, stay at home defenseman. He is very methodical and he is very aware of his coverage responsibilities. He uses his size, strength and grit to block and clear opponents from the net. He uses the body, hits hard and finishes his checks. Because of his style and approach, teams often try to work away from him. He is very confident down low and is able to move the puck up ice with success. He has great skating ability, good vision and good hands. He shoots the puck really well and he’s got an excellent one-timer. Stephenson is a hard worker and a leader on the ice and his peers look up to him.

So after being traded to the Ducks and then to the Blackhawks at the trade deadline in the Wisniewski-Pahlsson trade the Hawks chose not to resign Stephenson when his entry-level contract expired in May. So chances are Stephenson’s hungry, but he has a steep hill to climb. The Flyers already have 16 defensemen under contract, so this kid is really going to have to impress Homer in order to earn a spot on the Phantoms. Chances are Stephenson will end up playing against the Phantoms this season or in the East Coast League unless he’s made some significant improvements during this off-season.

Here’s a clip of LS beating the hair off of someone, because….that’s what we do at this blog:

Sexism and Looks-ism, All of You

2009-09-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

This is by no means an act of unfairness that is specific to the Flyers as it’s the same in every NHL city, but I am an accredited (read not) Flyers blogger, not an every NHL city blogger, so it is the Flyers who will feel my wrath. And I’m having wrath with the Delta Dental Ice Team. From the Flyers 2009 Training Camp Center (which I must say is pretty cool compared to the nothing you usually get every year):

Saturday, September 12 at 1:00 p.m. the Flyers will hold auditions for the Ice Team. Auditions are open to the public

Oh yeah, they’re open to the public, the portion of the public that’s not walking around with a penis and/or testicles between their legs. Specifically “energetic, outgoing girls who can skate and love the game of hockey!” More information on the “auditions”:

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR TO THE AUDITIONS?
Please come dressed to impress in proper athletic attire for the audition process. All applicants must come prepared with their own skates.

HOW SHOULD I WEAR MY HAIR & MAKE-UP?
Optional. However, please make sure that your hair doesn't hide your face, as one of the things the judges will be scoring you on is how well you demonstrate spirit, energy and enthusiasm.

WHAT IS THE AUDITION PROCESS?
Skating Roles:
Forward Skating
Backward Skating
Forward Cross-Overs in a circle
Backward Cross-Overs in a circle
Stopping
Turning from Forward to Backward
Turning from Backward to Forward
Snow removal
The ability to push a wheel barrel on/off the ice surface

Ok, let me step away from my accusations of sexism for a moment to address maybe the more embarrassing issue: is this a fucking beauty contest? Please come “dressed to impress?” They want you to “make sure that your hair doesn’t hide your face?” I’ve seen these ice teams all over the league and it’s obvious that these are, in fact, beauty contests. If you try to hide that ugly face under some hair do we’re going to catch you, you little converse wearing, guitar playing bitch.

So let me ask the elephant in the room this question – hey elephant, why are there a bunch of almost prom queens skating around in tight clothes during commercial breaks except to give 40 year old men masturbatory fantasies for the next morning’s shower? Is there a point? No…there isn’t? Ok. I’d pay a million Monopoly dollars to see what they (whoever “they” are) are scoring these girls on. I want to see how they word it when they pick the best looking girls there with the biggest boobs over a really big Flyers fan that is a good skater but just doesn’t fit in with the “look” of the team. I hope it comes entirely down to “The ability to push a wheel barrel on/off the ice surface.” And I hope there are time trials because I want to see that.

And regarding the whole sexism thing, some of those requirements in the audition process could surely be energetically completed by guys. Give the moms in the crowd some young Puerto Rican pool boys in cut-offs and everything scraping that ice. Oh, you think I’m gay? Maybe I am. Maybe you are. Maybe we should meet at McDonalds and fill our cokes with some rum and go see if we can catch frogs in the stream behind the dumpster.

My point is…I understand why there are cheerleaders in football and I get that they’re usually the hot chicks, which I think is just ridiculous, but this is a country where we have beauty pageants for 3 year olds. But even those cheerleading squads, at least in college, have guys in them and do some cool jumps and shit (I’m also not sure pro football cheerleaders add anything to football watching experience except me being worried they’re going to get plowed from behind by some big running back (double entendre!)). These ice girls don’t even cheer or anything. They literally do a job that 3 facilities guys used to do. And frankly the whole thing is just pathetic.

What about having your 12 year old ogling some young, died blonde’s tits makes you want to go to a game more? What about having the girl you’re on a second date with seeing you watching a bunch of community college puck slut hopefuls makes you want to take her back there for a fifth date? What about the entire thing makes sense? Why not require the ushers to audition and show their spirit, energy and enthusiasm? Why not put a fucking stripper pole on the zamboni? If you guys want to do this thing let’s do it!

Just another example of a stupid idea that “just happens.” “Well the Islanders have young babes skating around cleaning the ice”…..Flyers, suck it. If the Islanders jumped off a bridge would you?

You good looking people are always getting the edge and I’m sick of it. See, you’re doing it right now! And you’ll never understand it either, because you just don’t care too. See you ladies on the 12th. And don’t worry, I’m shaving my head so there’s not a chance of anyone missing out on any piece of my face that might be showing even a hint of spirit, energy and enthusiasm.