tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post4626659011007566437..comments2009-04-23T21:41:33.057-05:00Holly Hoffmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07176401472080832696holly@worklovelife.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-68189650337617637252009-04-23T21:17:00.000-05:002009-04-23T21:17:00.000-05:00It's definitely not for everyone. You can't be even an ounce possessive or it is doomed to failure.<br /><br />I've had two successful open relationships, including the one I'm currently in (and have been in for 2 years now). It's all about communication: what is okay, what is not, etc. Like, I'm fine with my guy sleeping with other female friends of his, but not okay with random hookups, and no matter who it is, they need to know about me and be clearly aware of the fact that it's just sex, that he is dating me, not them. The same rules go for me, though I rarely ever see anyone else, because it's difficult for me to get turned on by other men when I'm in love with someone.<br /><br />So yes, it's possible, but it's definitely not for everyone. It's becoming more popular now, and I'm beginning to see a lot of folks try it who really, really shouldn't.<br /><br />By the way, great blog!driftingfocushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12303812967170929848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-79715766169685027102009-01-21T15:10:00.000-06:002009-01-21T15:10:00.000-06:00This post is absolutely fascinating. I'm so sorry that you went through this, and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing this. I liked The Ethical Slut when I read it several years ago and it's something I think about a lot. I don't know if this failed experiment means you aren't cut out for open relationships, but I it was obviously an important experience for you to have to make some realizations about yourself and about your relationship.<BR/><BR/>One thing I'd give some thought to (though I suspect you already have): your true motivation in suggesting this experiment, and what outcome you truly expected it to have. I'd also give some thought to <I>why</I> you balked. Was it really because you didn't want to sleep with anyone else? Or because you suddenly feared losing control in your relationship and wanted that 'ownership' back?<BR/><BR/>I can imagine myself going through a similar situation, and responding in a similar way. Thanks again for sharing.Your Ill-fitting Overcoathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11477124105292431735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-39210262178258203962009-01-09T10:58:00.000-06:002009-01-09T10:58:00.000-06:00oh man. I can hear the anguish in your words. I'm so sorry. I learned this lesson the hard way too. <BR/><BR/>I saw this post because it was linked from your "sex is a distraction" article, which was linked from one of the blogs I read regularly. Great post.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure if sex itself is the distraction or it's the yearning to be close (which leads to intimacy). But if you figure out how to lay low for sometime, please do share. It's something a lot of us can learn from.<BR/><BR/>- a fellow Hollyspleenesshttp://spleeness.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-18548156147493903322008-12-16T10:37:00.000-06:002008-12-16T10:37:00.000-06:00Holly, <BR/><BR/>I found your site via <BR/><BR/>http://lifeinthemiddlelane.wordpress.com/2008/12/01/finding-the-strength-to-live-transparently/<BR/><BR/>and love how open and brave you are. <BR/><BR/>thanks for writing!<BR/>heleniamchihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15174826650090871626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-71667787419251439492008-11-21T20:16:00.000-06:002008-11-21T20:16:00.000-06:00You are so brave. I love your honestly and the humor in your voice despite the situation. <BR/><BR/>One of the many differences between a man and a woman is this, and this is wired in our genes:<BR/><BR/>* If a woman says something, she doesn't necessarily mean it. Example, If a girlfriend is moving, we might say "Do you need help?", while hoping that she's say no, because we really rather be doing something else. <BR/><BR/>* If a man says something, he means it. Period.<BR/>Example, If a friend is moving, he might say, "Can I help you move?", he means it completely and are not saying it just to be nice. <BR/><BR/>So, if a woman says something to a man, he thinks that she means it, because that's how he operates. <BR/><BR/>And if a man says something to a woman - ie. I don't want a committed relationship - she thinks that he doesn't mean it, because that's how she operates. She thinks she can change his mind and proceeds to sleep with him.<BR/><BR/>The other thing I've learned is that, when we have sex with someone, a hormone is released that binds us to that person. For a woman, the effects of this hormone lasts for 2 weeks. For a man, it lasts for 2 days. So, be careful who you sleep with. :)<BR/><BR/>You can read more about the hormone in the book "The Female Brain" - I'm reading it now and it's super interesting. <BR/><BR/>Lastly, Holly dear, what have you learned from this experience? What are you grateful for? Focus on those and learn to surrender! :)<BR/><BR/>Love,<BR/>TinaTina Su - Think Simple Nowhttp://thinksimplenow.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-30449533255370517352008-11-10T08:34:00.000-06:002008-11-10T08:34:00.000-06:00I am sorry that hurts... The positive is you learn from experience and decisions... and you will survive this .. Honestly it was a great post and is takes guts to post something like that <BR/>You have my total admirationErichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06873040901072052064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-60655596712555979242008-11-09T22:30:00.000-06:002008-11-09T22:30:00.000-06:00I've had that exact same feeling you described about seeing other potential partners and disqualifying them because they didn't measure up to your current partner. I had that feeling the last couple of weekends, in fact. I don't see them as LT partners though, just one-time sexual partners. <BR/><BR/>I think 6 months is too soon to open up a relationship, particularly in your situation. I've never done it, but from what I read it's something that happens to married folks after they've been married for a few years at least and some sexual/emotional variety is needed. <BR/><BR/>He shouldn't have fucked another chick that quickly, and certainly without feeling remorse. It was just too soon. My guess is he had been thinking about this beforehand and there was an emotional disconnect for him that allowed him to do it so fast. As cavalier as I am about sex and relationships, I couldn't see myself sleeping with another chick while I was in an LTR until after the 2 year mark.Lancehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09502092889271725683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-4879503298731337002008-11-09T22:08:00.000-06:002008-11-09T22:08:00.000-06:00Hi Holly, this is the first time I'm visiting your blog and the more I read - the more I like what I'm reading. I'm sorry to read how things went with Date #4 :(714chickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01390419538994091047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-88737140461297922232008-11-09T11:02:00.000-06:002008-11-09T11:02:00.000-06:00Holly, I repeat: I love your anonymous commenter. <BR/><BR/>However Mr. Anonymous, no poetry this time?Monicarol.Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09250657075178436208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-8102076309303287492008-11-07T20:05:00.000-06:002008-11-07T20:05:00.000-06:00Look me up, Holly. I'll help you even things out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-28232604171496501882008-11-06T07:50:00.000-06:002008-11-06T07:50:00.000-06:00I was never the type that could handle open relationships either (tried it once, that's all it took). I like to think I am a progressive woman, but when it comes down to it, I am a monogamous creature. As others have said, I don't think you should be hard on yourself about it. You followed what you calculated to be the best course, and now you know that it isn't one for you. <BR/><BR/>This is my first time here and I have to mention what a talented writer you are, and how much I admire your honesty.Sabinehttp://www.sabinesgarden.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-62841916897736017442008-11-04T11:04:00.000-06:002008-11-04T11:04:00.000-06:00Ok, I'm going to say it. Holly, I agree with your mother :-)<BR/><BR/>Sex is just sex until you fall in love. And that my dear, is what has happened to you. <BR/><BR/>I am so sorry that you had to go through this. This sucks in so many ways.<BR/><BR/>I empathized so deeply that I almost threw up as I read how it all unfolded. (which is why it has taken a day or two for me to come back and give you some encouragement)<BR/><BR/>You are a strong woman, and I KNOW that you will come through this stronger and wiser (and at our age, that's a lot)<BR/><BR/>xoxoxlifeinthemiddlelanehttp://lifeinthemiddlelane.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-65187676994771958532008-11-03T21:13:00.000-06:002008-11-03T21:13:00.000-06:00OK Holly STOP!!!<BR/><BR/>Sex is only sex until you’re in LOVE.<BR/><BR/>Sorry girly-here is the reality...ur little experiment showed who was in love and who wasn't.<BR/><BR/>Look up old fashion co-dependency...before you move on with this one.<BR/><BR/>AND as much as everyone out there growing up in this "sex is just a movement world" endorphins work from batteries too; no one else there but you...HOWEVER there is nothing like that "spark". NOW there are some great endorphins.<BR/>I think I am reading a lot of insensitivity. Why are you giving yourselves away so freely? As a matter of fact why not charge since you’re not in love??? You’ll get some and pay the bills.<BR/><BR/>Holly feel from the heart. Your gut feeling is usually right. I am so sorry you had this one end this way. I hope you have learned to be true to yourself and your partner, possibly future mate. <BR/>~LOVE MOM<BR/>PS: This is a difficult was for me to reach out to you. Phone home HaHa ;)Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348382144846787767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-79159652310713609652008-11-03T12:23:00.000-06:002008-11-03T12:23:00.000-06:00Holly, I'm so sorry! I've done a little experimenting with open relationships as the secondary partner...but quickly realized that I wanted to be a primary partner, not someone's secondary...and that I couldn't possibly imagine sharing someone I truly loved like that. The BF is a bit jealous and old-fasioned when it comes to these things, and that's worked out fine for me.<BR/><BR/>But I dated a guy for 4 or 5 months who had a wife, and I was devastated when he broke it off. So I've been there, in a way.Honeyhttp://honeyandlance.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-22619439860468260222008-11-03T10:21:00.000-06:002008-11-03T10:21:00.000-06:00All,<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your kind and warm responses. No matter what happens, it's nice to know so many people have such big hearts.<BR/><BR/>Growing up in public sucks. But sometimes it rocks.Holly Hoffmanhttp://www.worklovelife.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-44328594373389089932008-11-03T08:34:00.000-06:002008-11-03T08:34:00.000-06:00Like Jeffrey said, sex is just sex - to some people. And maybe Date #4 is one of those people. And you aren't one of those people. I hate to sound anti-feminist, but sometimes I think there's something to the claim that women are more emotionally tied up with sex, while men aren't. Although I know women who can have sex "like a man" to quote Carrie Bradshaw, I also know plenty of women who can't. Likewise I think there are men who are more emotionally tied with sex or at least desire that.<BR/><BR/>I'm surprised he took the first opportunity but perhaps - and this is a stranger talking, so feel free to ignore me - that he thought it was a way to show you that he was okay with the decision. I would talk to him. You seem to have a very open, honest relationship, so I would just ask him. I don't really think it would hurt anything and it might help you come to terms with what happened.Allisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845901120926051578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-5794815979465975382008-11-03T03:45:00.000-06:002008-11-03T03:45:00.000-06:00Holly, I'm sorry it ended like that. I felt sick inside reading your post because I once had the same idea and kept having flashbacks to how crappy I felt at the time. I hope you can resolve everything with him a little better before he moves.Dorie Morganhttp://www.dorieannmorgan.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-42530334446852240652008-11-03T01:13:00.000-06:002008-11-03T01:13:00.000-06:00Oy. Holly.<BR/><BR/>"Why did he do it so fast? Why didn’t the feelings that kept me from hooking up with someone keep him from it? Would I have cared so much if I had hooked up with someone too?"<BR/><BR/>Those are the exact things I thought when reading your post - man, that sure did happen fast! I guess I understand how you thought that you'd found a good situation. I guess I know myself well enough to know that an open relationship doesn't suit my personality or desires. We either need to be in a relationship or strictly casual - the two can't be blended. I'd be too anxious. Pacing every night. Wondering if he was at a bar or online picking up chicks. Was he having safe sex? Would he get someone pregnant while in a relationship with me? It would all just drive me waaaaaaay too crazy.<BR/><BR/>Anywho - I'm sorry that things ended up this way! I know it wasn't easy. I guess relationships never are....<BR/><BR/> - Alaiaoneorganizedlifehttp://oneorganizedlife.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-42848931329424153822008-11-02T22:44:00.000-06:002008-11-02T22:44:00.000-06:00I really like this post, and take that as best you can, Holly. I've learned myself up here that sexual ethics in theory is not the same in practice---and that goes for many things. It all sounds so rational, doesn't it? Sex is just sex. What are these emotion things that get in the way of the rational? I found out I didn't really want sex, I wanted that "higher" path some people talk about, I wanted authentic, genuine, heartfelt marshmallowness, and I know you know what that means. None of it seems to make sense, this higher path stuff, and we can probably both chalk it up to living in a Christian culture since youth, but whatever the case, there's something about that life of instinctual good that makes us feel much better day to day. I can't justify much of what I just said, and it makes me a bit sick to say some of it, but whatever the case, you don't need my consolation. You know living is all ups and downs and choices and responsibility and passion.Alain De Romannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-8242496382402839412008-11-02T21:48:00.000-06:002008-11-02T21:48:00.000-06:00"I’m progressive enough to know that sex is just sex."<BR/><BR/>For some people. But maybe not for you.Jeffrey Henninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15846949270787056220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-81202750817669807162008-11-02T21:36:00.000-06:002008-11-02T21:36:00.000-06:00Oh Holly, I'm sorry. You are a smart woman, you made what you thought was the best decision at the time with the information you had. Don't be hard on yourself!Milenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12874760631554176315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3154660080606740134.post-67268518661714989972008-11-02T21:09:00.000-06:002008-11-02T21:09:00.000-06:00Holly,<BR/>All I can say is that I have been in your situation a few times myself. Great posting!jgushuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00389923835296749152noreply@blogger.com