My Life. My Love. My Dog

On second thought...

2009-06-05T14:22:00.002-04:00

I've decided to stay. At least for a while.

I'd like you to meet John. John and I have been dating for about 5 months and he is Brad's partner in crime. These two are always up to something. Our most recent expedition is swimming. I have always been blown away by Brad's fearlessness, but his most recent display was impressive!

We were out on John's boat for the day (well John and Bradley were fishing, cutest thing you will ever see in your life I might add)... I'm laying out on the front of the boat, reading my magazine, you know minding my own when John decides to jump in the ocean. Brad thinks this is the best thing EVER. He looks at me like, "Please Momma! Please let me do it!" I just laughed and said, "Go for it, Kiddo!" This kid RUN'S full blast and hurls himself over the side of the boat at John. He immediately comes back above water with a full on smile thanks to his handy-dandy McQueen life jacket John surprised him with about a month ago.

I was blown away that my punk was so brave... John was all, "of course he wanted to jump in, Steph, he's a cool little kid!" Brad thinks anything that comes out of John's mouth is "cooool!" Whatever, I've been demoted.

I'm going to be moving blogs.

2009-04-21T10:00:00.002-04:00

My life has changed so dramatically over the past six months that this "place" seems to have run its course. My life no longer mirrors the memories shared on this blog and it feels right to move on. I am working on setting up my new blog and for those of you who want to continue looking back over my posts, you are more than welcome. I am not deleting this blog, merely moving on to a new adventure.

Steph

I went to see my Dad.

2009-03-29T13:45:00.003-04:00

It wasn't as hard this time... walking up to his grave. I wonder sometimes if each time I go if it will get easier. I still get a lump in my throat and wish that I could see his face, but it's just a wish. I still talk to him like he's here and laugh at our memories. I can still hear his voice and his contagious laughter. I just can't touch him.

I've often wondered what life will be like for Bradley, not having a Grandfather. I know that I spent so much of my time growing up with mine. They taught me so many things and I remember mirroring them in many ways. Brad does have his Dad's father, but he's never met him... just spoken with him a few times on the telephone. I guess you don't know what you've never had, know what I mean? I also know that Brad has other male figures in his life and I'm sure they will teach him all the things that a Grandfather would, but it's still sad to think of.

I remember wondering shortly after my Dad died who I would go to with my problems. Many of you know what my Dad meant to me. That he was my absolute best friend and confidant. To tell you the truth I have found no one that I would trust the way I did my father. I've just learned to rely on myself more, which I guess is a good thing. I have friends and family that I trust, but my Daddy, well, he was my Daddy.

I just miss him, that's all.

Work and Play

2009-03-23T12:07:00.003-04:00

I'm so sorry it has been a while since I updated here last. Since I started back to work this month, it has been much easier to let our blog slip and focus just on my time with Brad.

Bradley and I are doing really well. My little man grows taller every day and if he catches up to me in height by the time he's 12 I will not be surprised in the LEAST! Brad was accepted into a new school this past week. He will start April 1st and we are just so excited for him! He has been on the waiting list to get in since he was 18 months old, so of course we are excited for him, lol.

The hard part is that he will have to leave his long time Nanny, Mrs. Wendy. Wendy has cared for Bradley since he was just a wittle thing. She is sad that the time has come for Brad to leave her, but she too understands that this is going to be a wonderful opportunity for Bradley since he will start VPK soon.

As far as I'm concerned, I am doing really well too. I'm happy and focused. I'm working, which is such a blessing in today's economy. I have wonderful friends and family around me... and I've started dating someone. I have been seeing him for a little while now and it is so nice. He really is a wonderful man and my baby adores him *almost* as much as he adores my baby.

Life is good.

No longer a Stay At Home Mom...

2009-03-05T13:11:00.002-05:00

I start back to work full time tomorrow. A year to the day that I was laid off and became a Stay At Home Mom to Bradley. This has been the most amazing year in terms of being a Mom. I have been blessed to have spent this year watching my little boy grow and become such a fine young man.

I am torn by this though. I want to work and I NEED to work so that Brad and I can become independent again. I want so much for he and I, and while I know that working is the way for us to achieve this goal, it is difficult to know that I will no longer be his full time care provider.

I'm going to miss all the little things Brad and I share... like eating our meals together and playing all day. I'm going to miss watching him fall asleep at nap time or just randomly walking up to me during the day and saying, "Mommy, I love you." I'm going to miss watching him learn a million new things each day and knowing that I was a critical part in that. I'm going to miss him.

On the flip side... I'm glad to be back on the saddle. I want to work and earn my way. I want to know that I am capable of being a single Mom. That I am and always will be a Mom that does what it takes to take care of her child. I'm excited for me. Wish me luck!

What to do? What to do?

2009-02-27T15:02:00.002-05:00

Brad is spending the weekend with his Dad and I for ONCE have nothing planned. I just don't even know what to do with myself. My girlfriend asked me to go out for drinks with her tonight, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to do that!

Having a weekend to myself with nothing to do but pick my toenails is NICE. I'm going to be bored out of my mind come Sunday, lol. Funny how life changes once you have a child.

Baseball.

2009-02-26T10:46:00.007-05:00

Brad is REALLY in love with baseball. We must play at least an hour a day. We have laughed and laughed teaching Bradley to play. He does not use the whole "T-Ball" method either. Brad digs his little feet in the dirt. Gets in his stance and then waits for the ball to cross the mound. I am blown away at the arm on this kid too!

I could do this no justice with words, so here is is the process...

I'm serious. The faces that cross this child's face when he swinging are PRICELESS. I believe that I will use these to humiliate him when he starts dating. It will be perfect. There is seriously no shame in my game, lol!

And I just love this one...

I think I'll keep him ;).

Bradley's Happy.

2009-02-24T10:14:00.008-05:00

Over the last several months, life as Brad and I knew it changed, and it changed drastically. At first, it was all so scary and uncertain, but we have found happiness again.

Bradley has come so far. In November and December he would not let me out of his sight without having a full blown panic attack and become hysterical until he saw me. It was so hard to watch him so fearful. I just continued to reassure him that I was and always will be here. With each passing day the horrible anxiety is letting him go.

Brad is once again my happy, vivacious, totally spastic little boy and I have never been so happy to see my baby again!

He makes life so fun. He is learning so many new things and he loves to be outdoors. To play in the dirt, slide down slides, swing, dance... he's just totally thriving and it makes me so proud.

I can honestly say that our life however crazy it may have been is falling perfectly into place. We have amazing people in our lives and smiles on our faces. My little boy is full of smiles these days.

It's been a little crazy.

2009-02-22T14:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry I have been gone, Guys! I sure have missed everyone and let me tell you, I will be so glad when it slows down a little. Since Brad and I went on our trip to Jacksonville last month it has just been NON-STOP! Bradley and I have moved. I've been traveling a lot lately with a new friend of mine (I'll tell you all about that later.) and I've just been enjoying life!

I *just* got MY computer set up here so I will be able to start posting pictures again, YAY! You are all going to just melt when you see how much Bradley has grown and what all he's been up to. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

Brad is doing so well now that he's become adjusted to it just being the two of us. He does visit his Dad now and that's so good for Brad. Brad gets really excited on the nights he's going to his Dad's, but he is always ready to come home and a little emotional. I am sure with time that will improve. I know it has a lot to do with his age and not being completely able to understand what is going on.

I just wanted to check in with everyone and tell you all that we are still alive and kicking! Talk with you soon!

We are off to Jacksonville!

2009-01-23T18:38:00.002-05:00

Brad and I are leaving for Jacksonville to spend the weekend with some friends! I am so excited, I just love Brittney more than anything. Britt and I met during our pregnancy with our boys and then in person back in 2006. Since then, we have pretty much seen each other a couple times a year.

Britt is one of my all time favorite traveling buddies! We have flown to several places together and my goodness if she does not make me laugh like no ones business. I'm super lucky to have such dear friends in my life!

I am also VERY excited to meet Kelly in person, as we have spoken on the phone and she has been such a great support through my divorce and figuring out what to expect in terms of Brad and Brian. So this weekend will be three women who really love each other like family and FOUR 3 year olds tearing up Britt's house, lol! It's going to be F-U-N!!!

I will see everyone when we get back AND I promise to have updated pictures of Brad!

Big Boy!

2009-01-22T07:34:00.002-05:00

My baby is not so much a baby anymore and it is mind blowing! Brad has grown so much in the past six months. Not in weight, but in height. I put him in a pair of his 3T jeans, my favorite pair I might add, and they were too short! Of course they were still big in his waist because that is the story of his life, but I just cannot believe that my baby is so tall!

Brad has also started to conquer his fears in terms of the play ground. He has always been a little dare devil, but once he hit a certain spot on the playground where he feared he could not get himself out of, he would panic. I have constantly assured him that he could do it and he was a big boy! Well last night, when he was at the top of the swirly pole, he started to get freaked, but without having to utter a word of confidence to him, he stepped off and onto the top of the park. You should have seen the total sense of pride that came over his face. I cheered for him like he had just won a Gold medal, lol! It's so incredible to watch him grow each day!

Brad has also mastered something that some may think is gross, but as a parent, it's HUGE. Brad can get his pants on and off (even the buttons) when going potty AND he wipes all on his own. I have nothing to do with potty time anymore and it is so cool to see my little boy becoming so independent! It's pretty cool.

What I missed the most...

2009-01-20T07:57:00.002-05:00

So Bradley just returned Sunday afternoon from his first weekend with his Dad.

Since Brad was about 18 months old, he will wake up around midnight and come crawl in bed with me. I am usually so sleepy that I don't consider walking him back to his bed, so I just toss him over me and let him sleep. This morning when he called out to me and asked if he could get up in bed, I followed protocol and chunked him onto the bed. Within a minute we were both asleep, sharing MY pillow, with one of his legs resting on my back (I'm a tummy sleeper).

When I woke up this morning and felt my baby's breath on the back of my neck and his leg resting on my back I thought, "This is what I missed the most while he was gone." Our incredibly imperfect/perfect/random/off-the-wall/share my pillow loving relationship. He's my beautiful world.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

2009-01-16T10:13:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe how fast the time goes! I am knocking on 30's door and I'm not liking it so much, lol! Today has been so nice so far. I had Bradley and my Mom run in the room yelling, "HAPPY, BIRFFFDAY!!! HAPPY, BIRFFFDAY!" and then Brad opened my presents FOR me. He's that kind of guy (wink, wink)!

Tonight everyone is having a big party for me and this weekend I am going out of town with some friends! I'm a happy girl! It should be tons of fun. Then next weekend Bradley and I will be heading to Jacksonville for a nice long weekend with some friends again, so it's turning out to truly be a nice January this year!

The beauty of StatCounter...

2009-01-15T14:46:00.002-05:00

The funniest thing about having a tracking system on my website is that some people think they are really leaving Anonymous comments. Not so much. L, please stop coming here. We are no longer family. You betrayed that months ago. I really do wish you the best, but this is no longer a place for you.

Time.

2009-01-12T09:23:00.002-05:00

When people say that time heals all things, it is very hard to understand that in the moment. At the time, you really are not capable of seeing your life outside of what you have always known. For me, that was the hardest part.

I have found that the last few months have been both difficult and rewarding past my highest expectations. I found that I can make myself happy. That life is only what you make of it. And happiness is priceless. I found my laugh again. My smile is back in full force and I can see clearly that where I am today has been a beautifully fought battle.

I am proud of me.

They say that we are all ingrained with a "Fight or Flight" mentality and I know that I have always been a fighter. If 2008 taught me anything it is that I am fully capable of weathering any storm brought my way. That I am human. That foolish pride will do nothing for you. That time truly does heal all things. Thank you all for standing by me and often carrying me when it got to rough.

I want to especially thank my Momma and my sister, Amber. I am so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. You two have stood guard over me when I was down. You protected me only as a loved one could. You continued to remind me of all that I had left to fight for and how beautiful my life truly is. I wish I could voice the amount of love I have in my heart for you, but there are no words. I love you.

I just rocked my baby to sleep.

2008-12-22T21:09:00.003-05:00

It was fantastic.

I have not rocked Bradley in a very long time. Probably because he is over three years old, and the idea of him holding still long enough to rock actually hurts my brain to think about; but tonight he crawled up in my lap and laid there just like he use to in my arms. It was so wonderful. He smelled so much like a clean little boy and not dirt, lol. Then right before he drifted off to sleep, those long black eye lashes fluttered like they did when he was really little. Man, that totally made my night.

I love my son.

"Practice what you preach..."

2008-12-14T19:18:00.004-05:00

I am trying incredibly hard to follow this very old saying. It is so true in all aspects of life, and if applied, I personally believe you will live a much more fulfilling life. As a Southerner, we tend to have a LOT of sayings. However, I believe this saying is a wonderful one!

Here is where this "old saying" comes into play. Since my soon to be ex-husband just up and walked out on his family last month, I have had a lot of anger and resentment in my heart towards him for being such a horrible person and a coward. Further more, the fact that he has such a blatant lack of respect for Brad and I, and for reasons that are way to extensive to list in one entry, lol; I have still remained this bright cheery person to my little boy.

Bradley has obviously had a TON of questions seeing how he had previously spent every day of his life with his Dad in his home. I always speak to Brad about his Dad with a positive tone and kindness... even though I want to tell him the truth and it takes every ounce of my being to tell him he is a good Dad and he does love Brad. I tell Bradley to not be upset with his Dad, that sometimes two people cannot live together and that does NOT mean that he (Bradley) was ever at fault. I continue to reassure Brad a bajillion times a day that he is LOVED and WANTED. It's been so hard to watch my little three year old go through this.

I decided early on that I would not speak poorly of Bradley's Dad to him. That in time, Brad would find out the type of man his Dad really is and that will be the greatest gift I can give him... letting Brad find out all on his own.

So, I have taken all these efforts to assure my son was happy and okay, so much so that I really have not spent a great deal of time answering my own questions in my heart. I have decided that if I am going to tell my son to not be angry with his Dad, that I too need to work on letting some of this anger go. I cannot control the actions of others, but in my faith, forgiveness is so important. I cannot say that I am anywhere near ready to forgive this man, but I do want to "practice what I preach." Especially since I am going to be teaching my beautiful, perfect little boy how to be a healthy, thriving adult.

In order to accomplish the above, you have to have a foundation of morals and standards. To have love and compassion in your heart. To speak the way you would like to be spoken to and above all, know that your family will always be there. I can give Bradley that. I can shower him with the promise that no matter what we face in this world, I will be there by his side, and when I'm not by his side, I'll always be the love he carries in his heart.

I am so blessed to have the privilege of being this young man's Mom.

My Daddy...

2008-12-10T11:21:00.004-05:00

In coming to the anniversary of my Dad's death I am faced with a lot of emotions. I had so much that I wanted for him, and so much that I know he wanted for the boys (Brad and Logan). It was such a loss to to let him go and through out this year I have faced more tragedy than I ever thought was possible.

The beautiful thing about life is that it is as resilient as it is delicate. I have learned to value each moment and appreciate the ability to tell those around me how much I truly care for them. My Dad taught me so many things while he was dying. He was the type of person that never complained about what was to come. He just enjoyed the time he had. Was he scared? Sure he was, he was human after all, but he was dignified and humble. Qualities that he made sure his children understood.

My Dad loved my son with every ounce of his being. It is hard sometimes to think that Bradley may not remember him because he was just over 2 years old when he passed, but I know that in the long run, my son will be touched by having spent the time with him that he did. See, family is not just somewhere to run when the going gets tough. Family is the people that are there with you every single day. The ones who share the beautiful things around you. The hard times. The moments that are near and dear to your heart. Family comes in all shapes and sizes and a family can be with whomever you make it with, not just your blood.

I love family. I love knowing that I have family all around me and all over the country. I love to help people and care for them when others have failed to. I love to give others that feeling of being wanted because I know how much it can help during the hard times. I love these things because I have felt them first hand. The kindness of a stranger. The touch of a loved one. The smile of a child. The Grace of God. It's just so incredible to have that and know that it's there.

My Dad was a quiet man, but he was a faithful and loving man. He loved God. He loved his children. He loved my Mom. He loved. That is what I want to remember him for as the anniversary of his death approaches and the holidays are among us. I'll always remember lying with him under my Christmas tree. It's one of my very first memories and I'm thankful to have had him as long as I did. God blessed me.

How could a person just forget about their child?

2008-12-10T10:27:00.004-05:00

This is something that I am having a VERY hard time understanding or even wrapping my mind around. It has been FIVE days since Bradley's dad has seen him or made any attempt to contact him. It went from my son seeing his Dad every day of his life down to his Dad not even having the heart to call his son. The reason I got yesterday was, "I dont' want to hear your voice." That's nice. Really mature and adult like.

Here's the reality of it. My ex is going to have to hear my voice for the rest of my child's life. To cut off communication with your child because it's connected with someone you do not like is just WAY past my understanding. This man has time to set up his Facebook account and invite my best friend, but he doesn't have the time to call his own flesh and blood. That's GREAT.

I have to laugh at him. Why would you want to be friends with MY friends? Hrmmm. Sorry buddy, she called me and told me that what you said and did, you can wait to be deleted now.

It is what it is. I personally LOVE every moment that I spend with this beautiful, healthy, vibrant little boy. I am so blessed that he looks just like me and has such a kind heart. That I thank the Lord for every day.

Cute, Cute, Cute!!!

2008-12-08T10:59:00.014-05:00

So, I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I have a little boy, and his name is Bradley. I love this kid more than anything in the world. I have been so blessed to stay home with him as long as I have and I say that because each day he changes and becomes more of a person. The level of "fun factor" just grows with each day with him.

Yesterday, we cleaned up the yard. It was hard work, but so much fun! Brad decided that every pile that was nicely raked into a circle would deserve a flying ninja leap into it. The belly laughs that come out of my child are soooo addicting. It's like once you hear that beautiful sound, you will continue to do whatever it takes to keep making him laugh, lol. I'm so weak.

Side note: Ummm, when did my kid turn into a little boy?

Oh and he winks now... be still my heart.

When he was playing in the leaves, he just laughed and laughed and laughed. He was totally showing off for everyone which was the funniest part. He made me laugh so hard a couple of times I had tears in my eyes!

The leaves were a little tough to get out of, but he managed!

It was a good day and my baby was so happy, life is good. Life is really good.

Brown Sugar + Maggie = Big Laughs for Bradley

2008-12-05T11:55:00.003-05:00

So I've had some issues with Bradley pouring things INTO our Labrador, Maggie's, crate. He really loves to pour salt all over her and say, "It's SNOWING, Mommy!" However, since I put the salt and pepper shakers up in the cabinet, he's been doing well.

Fast-forward to last night. Brad and I are getting in from our dinner party with family. I'm trying to get all of his stuff put up and I go into his room to pick out his pj's. I hear the giggles and think he's just talking to her. The giggles then transform into true belly laughs and I immediately think, "oh, NO!"

I come out of his room, walk around the corner, and there he is... sprinkling Brown Sugar all into Maggie's crate! ACK! Maggie didn't mind this one, she was licking like a mad woman, but STILL, lol! I took the bag from him, which was my mistake for placing it on the bottom shelf of our pantry, and then had to take Maggie outside and brush her off and then get Brad cleaned up. Then came the crate. Apparently, dog slobber and brown sugar forms this type of GLUE. Man, that stuff was really in there, lol. It took me a while to get it all out and I did make Bradley help with the sweeping, which he thought was great. He sang the "Team Work" song the whole time he was sweeping, lol. It was really hard not to laugh at him, but I managed to either pull my shirt over my face or just not watch to much.

You have to love a THREE year old, lol. Never know what will happen next!

Another GOOD Day...

2008-12-04T21:26:00.003-05:00

I really love a good day. Today was good. It was nice and calm and relaxed, all day. I mean, from beginning to end, it was peaceful. I really have not felt that in a while. I smiled pretty much all day. I laughed all day. I had great company with my little man, and then we went to the park in the afternoon. Finally, we had dinner at my Aunt's house and the food was delicious, the company full of laughs. Brad and I just had a fantastic day.

Then, one of my childhood best friends called me tonight and I got to talk to her forever. It was just a really good day! I'll take it, lol! Oh, and my SIL did my hair for me for Christmas. Here's a quick picture!

Decorating with Bradley...

2008-12-04T08:07:00.003-05:00

Decorating for Christmas with my son has been so much fun. This little boy is really getting into the spirit this year, lol! Besides the fact that we had about 3 ornaments on one limb and 3 candy canes per limb and ALL the decorations are pretty much on the bottom half of the tree, he did GREAT!

One of the funniest parts of the whole thing was Brad going and getting his wheel barrow so he could cart the candy canes from either the big tree or his own little tree. He would say, "ummm, I think we go to big tree now, Mommy." and then off he would go pushing his barrow of candy canes. We did have about three candy canes that didn't make the cut, but luckily for me, none of those were eaten because I did not let on that they were edible, lol. I really did not want that to start with so many days left until Christmas, lol!

Next up, Ginger Bread Men!!! Yay, I am so stoked about this. My Grandma gave me HER cookie cutters and recipe from when I was little. This is such a fun thing for me and now Brad and I are going to get to carry on the tradition... how cool?!? We will see how they turn out and I promise to take pictures!

Don't read if you do not want to hear the truth.

2008-12-03T15:36:00.002-05:00

My blog is and always will remain my platform to discussing things that are going on in my life. If you do not want to SEE or READ these things, than do not waste your time in coming here. This blog is far more than one thing, it includes my son, my real feelings, and all the other things in between.

This place, this piece of my journalism, is how I work. I will not apologize or be made to feel bad for speaking my mind. I have always been a writer and that is how I personally express myself. With that being said... I do truly enjoy each of you who come for the right reasons, for you and for all of the family who continue to support me, thank you, I love you very much, and greatly appreciate you.

Best Wishes,

Stephanie

Concentrate on this Sentence.

2008-12-03T14:43:00.002-05:00

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I received this today and thought about the significance of the meaning for a while. How profound to be given such inspiration during this hard time. It made me smile to think about my future with my son.

I have often been asked over the past year HOW I have been able to endure and continue on with a positive attitude and a smile. Well, I believe this truly explains how and why... with Great Faith, comes understanding that I will be okay. I am not perfect, I am not always strong, but I am still ME.