JDWannabe

Stalking

2009-11-12T04:49:00.000-08:00

I got a stalking order on Monday. The man I got it against is someone I was once involved with, but that was three years ago. It ended badly, and I have had lingering sadness and regret about how things went back then, so I understand how it still affects him. However, I was shocked, and confused, to hear through the police that according to this man, he felt justified in following me (in his car. while i was on foot. several times. and to a race where my daughter and i were, far away, where he stood, stared, watched us, paced - and then left??) - anyway, he apparently feels that I should not be in the areas I am in. Near his work (note - I didn't actually know where he worked, since we are obviously no longer friends; also, now that I do know, I can safely say the closest I get to that business is a mile away, and this is all in the area of a major major intersection in our town - you know, the WalMart, grocery store, shoe store, McDonald's, Wild Oats, gas station, bookstore intersection). That was my foul apparently -

I feel rather vindicated that a judge agreed with me -- I was actually afraid I would not be able to get help here. But, on a bad note, he was served at work, and the sheriff had to read the order out loud to him. I didn't really want that, since I find that humiliating. I suppose he brought it on himself, but I can only hope that he realizes now that I really did mean it. I really do not want to be followed. Not on foot, not in a car, not in a boat, not from afar. I really did try to give him an opportunity to explain, or quit, or even to spew anger at me, but it came to this.

And still I am hunkered down, a bit afraid to run my usual routes, a bit afraid to even leave my house.

Right up until I went to the courthouse I didn't think this person would hurt me, but reading his police report info, and then talking to the cops, I am not sure. I am pretty scared now. Because a person who thinks I "deserve" to be followed is scary, and as the cop said, for every time I SAW him, there were very like two or three others that he was there and I didn't notice.

I am shivering a little right now.

The worst part is, this is someone I knew, loved, was involved with. How did this happen?

Do I attract insanity? Or is it me who is crazy?

MPRE and restraining order...

2009-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

I took the MPRE yesterday. Blah to that.

And, I am going to have to get a restraining order against a man who has been following me around. An ex, in a way. Not MY ex - as in the man I married. Just another guy from long ago who suddenly feels it is ok to follow me in his car. While I am on foot running.

FML. I feel like things cannot get worse and then. They do.

I ran a trail race today

2009-10-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

And it was fun. Some weird things occurred, including running into (haha no pun intended) a kind of ex there, but otherwise, it was good to try something new. I didn't run fast - wasn't the goal - but I did overcome a fear of killing myself. You see, I am a country girl from way way back, turned urban dependent creature of habit. I used to "trail run" all the damn time with my brother and a couple dogs, and over the creeks and through the woods to grandma's house we would go, often all day long. But now that I am older, I am not as easily swayed to jump logs, throw myself into water, and so forth -especially in a frost and rain slicked unfamiliar lake woods.

Today, I took a hit for woman kind and overcame that steadily growing feeling that all the new things have been done, or are not as good as they appear in their idea formats.

Yay me!

Senior pictures

2009-10-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Really?

Law school graduation pictures are called senior pictures???

Does Aunt Flo make you do weird things?

2009-10-04T11:59:00.001-07:00

OK, yeah, we all know about PMS and its evil twin PMDD. I am not talking about those. I don't think.

But the week before Aunt Flo comes to visit - what the heck that is a stupid phrase. The week before my period, I get kinda odd. Productive. Working harder. Organizing. I feel huge need to do things like air out blankets, rearrange cupboards, make menu plans, and write papers. I also do not want to be around people. At all.

So this is my first period of single momhood. What an odd person I am to even note this, right? But, I noticed this month I was actually HAPPY during PMS time, because while I don't normally have a ton of moodiness, at least now I could cry or whatever without getting a) hit, b) yelled at or c) "outdone" by my ex (almost ex? gonna be ex? How do we refer to a guy I am still married to but have no intentions of staying so?).

I got a shit ton of work done, both for school and around the house. I didn't have to pay for my efforts with scrutiny of my checkbook, criticism of how I did things, or guilt of any kind.

The only bad news is, while I was aware it was nearly period time, I stupidly forgot to PREPARE for such an event, and the floodgates broke while I was running. I was three miles out on a six mile run. So, as you can imagine, I made myself quite messy getting home.

Let's review.

I do some stupid things.

But it's so much better, now, feeling like I am in this alone with the kids. Anyone willing to admit the same, after a breakup?

Putting life back in order

2009-09-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

The past three weeks have been crazy, with my spouse moving out in the midst of what can only be described as a long long abusive episode.

Now I am left picking up the pieces and putting things in order so that the kids and I go forward with some stability.

I am so tired.

Update

2009-09-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

He's out.

The kids and I are adjusting.

I feel bad - because all I want is clear of it.

And now we have come to the end of the road..

2009-09-01T18:40:00.001-07:00

My husband and I are separated. He is still living in the house, but in separate quarters.

This has been a long time coming - and possibly many have guessed this. He was and is an abusive, angry man, and I only hope he is able to find some stability for our children's sake.

End of PSA.

Googled myself today

2009-08-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

I found out alot about me. Some of the mes I found were not this me. But all of us were interesting and so far (I only looked through first, oh, seven pages), we are pretty interesting but not in a slutty/trashy/criminal way.

Best and Worst - 1L

2009-08-21T16:11:00.001-07:00

This post is completely and totally an idea I lifted from Butterflyfish.

Best

I was so excited that even though I am older, with kids, I fit in. I made some outstanding, cool friends right off and we stayed close pretty much all year. It had been a long dry stretch since I felt a part of a group, and this was a really nice surprise in law school.

Plus, I am (and was) a geek, and loved (and love) the intellectual side of school. Thinking and analyzing for my own purposes was as fun as I hoped.

I made it. Big deal of first year was, I finished, and stayed in school.

Worst

It was incredibly hard to wait for first year grades. For the most part mine were quite good - but that felt unfair to me because I knew most of my peers had the exact same answers as me, or close, from talking to them, and yet - they didn't do as well.

It also wasn't fun having so many people so up in your business. While I loved having the close group I had, there were also fringe people, ones whom I didn't really like but who were there all the time. That is the down side of "sections" I think.

I wasn't nearly as smart as I thought I was.

School for them, time to kick in gear for me

2009-08-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Kids started school this morning.

This afternoon I am doing nothing at all.

Then tomorrow I kick work into high gear, re-starting three jobs I have let slide a bit for the summer.
Wednesday I will begin my school book shopping and so on, because school for me starts soon too.

Friday I will take totally off - that's my word to myself - and go to kids' schools.

Big things are happening in my personal life, things that have needed to happen for a long time. I'm nervous and excited.

Memories

2009-08-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

This week holds and important, beautiful, painful anniversary for me. My grandmother, my beloved soul mate and mentor and hero, died in this week several years ago.

I have only just stopped picking up the phone to call her with every strong emotion I have.

She was and still is the person I believe I can always be sure of.

Love you, Grandma. Beyond the stars and into the heavens. I sure do miss those days when we would hug and laugh for no reason at all.

The sparkling glisten of future angst

2009-08-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Third year begins in a few weeks.

I fully expect it will be challenging.

Challenging to make myself attend enough classes to satisfy the ABA.

There is something pretty funny about law school. The first year you are so scared and overworked and tired and intimidated and awed and yes, a little impressed with yourself for being there. Then in the second year, there is a drop in the awe level and you start thinking, why is there some mandatory attendance policy here? This stuff isn't so bad. By year three, I hope I am dead on in saying, it is a trudge to the finish as you no longer feel awe at your professors or other students, even the ones you love and respect. You have settled in. Which is bad, since you are about to be tossed into yet another first angst filled year, with the bar and either employment in a new and scary environment in which you are asked to do things law school never teaches you, OR unemployment (where you learn to make lots of beans and rice, and find new ways to NOT use your car, your air conditioning and your hygeine products too frequently).

This is basically senior year of high school.

Cant stop this thing we've started...

2009-07-25T05:46:00.000-07:00

There are some points in life, apparently, where you choose a fork, you know, a fork in the road and all that garbage. You choose one fork, and you start down it, and you don't realize or even think when you choose it that you can't go back. But you can't.

That is where I am today. I am way down this law school path, and there is no way back, and I'm not even sure I would want to go back, but still....

What happened to those other choices I used to have?

I MISS being home with my kids, being with them all the time, being truly close to them.

I MISS having no pressing deadlines.

I MISS knowing I didn't really have to do much in a day other than be with kids, make the house a nice place, and cook decent meals.

I MISS that me that I left behind, the one I wanted rid of when I started all of this. She was flawed and boring and not ambitious at all, but she was also warm hearted and always available for her friends and her kids.

This was all brought on because our cat ran away. Now, I miss the cat, and she is probably gone forever. But whatever, overall it isn't tragic. I've lost pets before.

But my kids haven't. The youngest two haven't, anyway. And where was I when they discovered the loss? At work. They searched all day, and called me crying - some phone calls I could take and others I could not. That night, when I got home, I held the crying one, and gave her a small comfort, but since then, I have basically hugged her and told her she had to get on with it, that while it is sad, kitties sometimes run away.

Oh, I told her that kitties want to go out and see the world, and that someday, when she is older, she will want to go out and see the world and she will understand. But for now, her little heart is broken. Bossy Enviro Girl, age ten, is also hurting, and it shows on her in a totaly different, bossier than ever, more attitude and lip, way.

Who I am being in this? Impatient. Nowhere near as caring and involved in all of this as I once would have been. Less than huggy and cuddly; I've been grouchy and not wanting to be touched for quite some time, and though I sometimes fake it because I know how much they need it, other times I just can't seem to get there.

Here I am, not a great mom like I once was and not a great lawyer (and maybe never will be), and yet I am so far down a path that has no exit....

Anyone else ever look around and wonder, just wonder?

Summer is almost over

2009-07-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Again. And this is the last one before the bar. Reading my fellow Lawmamas posts as they study for the bar convinces me that this summer, at least what is left of it, needs to be fun.

I'm thinking outside. I'm thinking water. I'm thinking kids. I'm thinking drinks. I'm thinking friends. I'm thinking live it up.

Have a feeling that fall will be a siege of some kind - perhaps not class wise, but definitely there will be something - I just feel it.

Spring SHOULD be easy, based on where I am and what I have left to do, but my prediction (hopeful? delusional?) is that I will take on another job and probably end up just as over-committed as usual.

Then the bar study and the bar.

Then - big old ?

So I want summer to be good times and happy for the remainder. I have a tendency to SAY that and not do it. We shall see.

Shoulder to the wheel

2009-07-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

Technically, 2L is over. In fact, this should be the bored period of life, right? Scare you, work you, bore you, as the saying goes for law school?

Not here. I am shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, busy. All these things I have been juggling just fell right down on my head. Not being a really great catcher, they are now in a pile at my feet, and I am working my way through that pile.

MPRE, bar apps, next year's schedule, kids' clothing, kids' registration, check, check, check, check, check. House repair, scheduled. Race plan, in progress. Summer work, almsot finalized. Meal plans for fall.....yeah. Gotta do those. Grocery sheet I have been planning to put together to make life easier.....this afternoon. List of things kids need for school.....this afternoon.

Life would be a whole lot easier with some money. Payday is overdue at this point, and I am just hoping to get paid sometime this week or next. The big plus is, the longer I wait, the bigger that bank is, and the bigger payment I can make to my bulging (for me) credit card bill.

Roll on Fall.

Forgot I was someone for awhile

2009-07-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

It happens alot, actually.

I get consumed with Life. You know, kids, jobs, stuff that is so far out of my control that it doesn't bear repeating (again. because i have repeated it alot). I forget, a) I have a reason for being where I am both in life and in school and b) I don't get a say in the way others see me.

That's cryptic. As usual. I know. Sorry.

But, I suppose it goes right along the lines most women walk - always looking around to find out who's trashing them, snarling at them, disapproving, maybe even jealous - and living life by that standard instead of checking the mirror - the one in front of us, not the rearview.

Ladies, the rearview is pretty much always littered with big asses, ourselves being big asses, and well, asses we wish we had been. Oh, and sometimes good stuff is back there, but since it's back there, we get hung up on it and wanting it back and what have you.

Anyway, big tangent. I was thinking today. I am someone, right now. Not what I see reflected in the eyes of other people (good or bad because for the record there are some people who think I am ok in real life, they just don't get much air time because - see above - the tendency is to focus on the ones who don't). Who I am today right now this moment is ok, and worthy of a head held high.

I bet you are too.

Pancakes and porcupines

2009-07-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today's breakfast is a huge stack of pancakes, just the way I like them, made by Social Daughter. I love breakfast and eat a real one so rarely now. This is nice.

Unfortunately I feel porcupiney today. You know the feeling. Prickly and just on the edge of grumpy? Last night's stuck in the restroom incident was more fun than this feeling. I'm starting to think that days "off" are not always really good for me or my moods; I have noticed when I don't exercise I am antsy and porcupiney all day. Addiction? Very likely.

Probably will have some friends over today. This is becoming very standard now that my kids are aging out of the babyhood. Social Daughter leads the pack with constant visitors, but not far behind are Ragamuffin and Nature Child. They usually bring a single extra child in to play with together. Eldest is the hold out. She goes in spurts, and her "playdates" (surprise, she doesn't enjoy having them called playdates at fifteen) are more planned and involve actual activites like swimming and plays and bike rides.

Gotta lose the pricklies to have all these extra kids around.

What would happen if I just ate pancakes and drank soda all day?

Pantyliner lady. That's me.

2009-06-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

I am a little on the crazy/oblivious/close the edge of socially acceptible.

But today I may have reached yet another new low.

Not sure but I think I may possibly have gone into the grocery store with my mp3 player playing, my sunglasses on, and a pantiliner stuck to the back of my leg.

Yes.

I did.

Discovered it AFTER I came out, humming along to music, and hopped in my car. And felt a weird crunch under my thigh.

I can't say exactly how this happened, or yeah, ok, I can. I went for a run EARLY this morning, went to the grocery store all sweaty and nasty with my mp3 still on and sunglasses too (you know, if I have on sunglasses, no one will recognize me looking so skanky). Best I can figure, the sweat combined with my slightly too short for public consumption shorts worked together to release the pantyliner (always wear one when running. i've have kids - duh!).

So, this was a slightly used, very sweaty, sticking to the back of my thigh hot mess.

But, on the plus side, I did have the good sense to go to a grocery store that I don't ALWAYS go to. And it was seven in the morning and not busy.

Still. I am crazy. The crazy pantyliner lady, that's what they will call me. Probably on my grave even.

Damn. Even I am laughing at me.

Talking is overrated

2009-06-27T13:53:00.001-07:00

I am typing this from Saturday school where a retired judge is going on. And on. And on. ABOUT lawyers going on and on and on.

Yep.

Law school = irony.

stumped

2009-06-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

when did I become the one in the mom swimsuit?

also, when did i start liking things like orange slice candy, guacamole, and wine?

why do my triceps jiggle now?

how can my child be taller than me?

what will be next? mom jeans? denim vests? perms????

Finding Zone Four

2009-06-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Did some cardio today. Well, I do cardio most days, I guess, kinda. Running is cardio, right?

But I don't usually pay any attention to the "zones" per se, I usually just run at whatever level my body feels like, for that day.

Yeah, well, see below for why that wasn't enough to distract me. Add below PLUS I lightly sprained my ankle yesterday (falling off my own non-heeled shoe. Yes. My grace is abundant.). Today I did a different form of exercise - a class - and there was a whole bunch of yelling/exhorting re: the "zones."

Zones, and heart rate monitors, and "feel ninety." I don't know about anyone reading this, but I don't need help feeling ninety. I work out to NOT feel ninety.

So I guess I need to find zone four to be a successful interval exerciser. F--- me. I always thought, work up a sweat, stay in the sweaty mode for oh, thirty, forty, ninety minutes, depending on the day, and I'm good. I haven't got the least interest in wearing a monitor - mainly because I am slightly obsessive (this surely isn't news?) and would become all about the monitor and none about the supposed joy of exercise.

There were charts, and I have seen those before, that told me what these zones were, but it all seems so - chipper, and routinized, and you know - how do you KNOW that because I am thirty, or forty, or 90, I need to get my heart to that level? If I smoke two packs a day, I'm thinking you may be a tad off, and if I do other exercise and have for a long time, you could be off that way too.

So, I guess I won't even know zone four if I find it. And I'm not sure what to do with it, if I do.

Mama needs a new pair of shoes

2009-06-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

....and a new left big toe, also. I stubbed my toe SO hard the other night, and then like the fool that I am for cute shoes, wore admittedly adorable but also uncomfortable high heels to work; the result? A black toenail and an excrutiatingly sore toe.

This may not seem strange, or at very least, probably seems like a duh, you deserve that, but ladies and gentleman, I am a runner. So, this complicates my daily life in ways I don't like to mention. But I will. Bloody socks, every day, which I have to pull off my feet with a great deal of pain. Runs that HURT like a mother....otter. And a limp, while running, that makes me feel like a very strange sight (because I am a strange sight) as well as a greatly slowed pace.

And don't tell me to stop running till it heals. I can't. Or won't.

Damn it, the worst part is, runners are supposed to get black toenails and injuries from RUNNING. I got mine from bad eyesight/drinks with dinner/poor bathroom location skills.

I suck.

But. The upshot is - when the bleeding and pain and etc stop, I have an excuse for new running shoes - because these are definitely getting shot, what with being close to the end of their mileage AND now being filled with blood stains.

Yeah. This is a gross post all around.

An odd wind blows

2009-06-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

Something is changing.

I think I see the end in sight.

I mean law school, not the world, btw.

It is starting to really feel like I am going to make it. So. Blog title change, as I usually do after successfully completing a year.

Not dead

2009-06-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

Just recovering from a long illness.

To recap. School's out and in again. Jobs are ongoing, kids are growing, grades are over and I have the desire to be a rover...
I really wanna travel right now.
Anywhere, really.

And I'm waiting on big news to that effect.

Other things going on:
the pool in my neighborhood is open
I found a new friend
KitKats are really good
I don't like self-control
I have two daughters who have boyfriends
It hasn't rained in awhile
My hair needs a cut

Yep. Life continues.