Cynic Central

Once again the Grammys show what a joke they are, one man's quest to become a Tom Hanks character and new music by The Arcade Fire forthcoming

2009-12-03T23:01:00.003-05:00

- Well this shouldn’t further fortify my ironclad argument that the Grammy Awards are the biggest farce in the world of music. When the three artists receiving the most nominations for your awards show are Beyonce, Taylor Swift and the Hack Eyed Peas, you are officially a musical farce. Forget the lame-tastic concert the Grammys rolled out for the announcement of the nominations; they should have staged a three-ring circus or comedy show, both of which would have been far more appropriate. Beyonce scored nominations in each of the big three categories for the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards and received 10 total nods, including album of the year for "I Am...Sasha Fierce," record of the year for "Halo" and song of the year for "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)." Swift, who straddles the line between two crappy genres (country and pop) and is crap-tacular in both, also received nominations in the top three categories: album of the year for "Fearless," and record of the year and song of the year for "You Belong With Me" as part of her eight nominations. But perhaps nothing pisses me off more than any awards show, anywhere and at any time, nominating the Hack Eyed Peas for anything. These poseurs crank out over-produced, lyrically brain-dead, artififcal, sugar-sweet pop music while wearing some of the loudest, most egregiously awful outfits known to man. They suck in a way that completely redefines the word suck, to be blunt. Yet there they are, helping to fill out a truly ridiculous race for album of the year. None of the nominees for that abortion of an award would be in the top 1,000 on the list of the year’s best albums for anyone with any musical taste at all. In case you’re wondering, the nominees are Beyonce's "I Am...Sasha Fierce," the Black Eyed Peas' "The E.N.D.," Lady Gaga's "The Fame," Dave Matthews Band's "Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King" and Taylor Swift's "Fearless." All three of the artists I took time to rightfully rip at the top of this paragraph are also facing off in the record of the year category, where the nominees are Beyonce's "Halo," the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling," Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody," Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" and Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me."  If I were Kings of Leon, I’d be so ashamed by being lumped in with those other four ass clowns that I’d ask to have my nomination withdrawn. Not that this in any way validates the Grammys at all, but the one category in which at least four of the nominees don’t completely suck is the best rock album category, where the nominees are "Black Ice" by AC/DC, "Live From Madison Square Garden" by Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood, "21st Century Breakdown" by Green Day, "Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King" by the Dave Matthews Band and "No Line on the Horizon" by U2. As always, there were a few oddball nominations tucked amidst the 109 categories nominated for the 52nd Grammy Awards; Johnny Depp, for example, is nominated in the category of best album notes alongside Douglas Brinkley for "Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson - Music From The Film." Should you have an inexplicable hankering for the complete list of nominees for this absurd exercise in self-aggrandizement and pomposity, you can find that list at Grammy.com. In order to qualify for a Grammy nomination this year, the eligibility period for releases was from Oct. 1, 2008 - Aug. 31, 2009 -- one month shorter than the typical eligibility period due to an earlier Grammy Awards show during the awards-heavy first few months of the year. The actual awards farce, er, show will be held on Jan. 31 and telecast on CBS. If you can’t figure it out by now, I won't be watching no matter when it’s held…………

- I’ve always preferred college basketball over the pro game, but if there were more NBA players like my man Ron Artest, I may have to reconsider that stance. No, I’m not talking about Artest’s absolute nuttiness, his borderline insanity or his tenacious on-court persona. Nor am I referring to what he brings to a team to help it win, although all of these things are certainly present. What I am talking about is the story that Artest is currently selling about allegedly liquoring up at halftime of games early in his career. That’s right, dude claims he used to down a few swigs of Hennessy in the locker room at halftime. . "I used to drink Hennessy ... at halftime," Artest said in a recent interview. "I [kept it] in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store and get it." Awesome. Just…..awesome. I don’t know if he kept it in a special flask or perhaps an innocuous Gatorade water bottle to conceal the booze, but it almost doesn’t matter. What’s better than the mental image of a guy whose team is out on the court battling and doing its best to focus, bear down and defeat an opponent and one of its key players is turning halftime into happy hour at the local pub? Artest said he drank when he played for the Chicago Bulls, where he played for his first three seasons (1999-2002). According to him, he did not continue the practice during subsequent stops in Indiana, Sacramento, Houston and now Los Angeles. Part of me wonders if he was hitting the Hennessy at halftime of the 2004 game in Detroit when the brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills occurred and he charged into the stands to pummel the wrong fan for throwing a cup of beer at him while he lay on the scorer’s table after a bad call. Was Ron-Ron just angry that someone was wasting good booze? He’s telling this story now, but it’s clearly not the first time he’s shared it because former teammate Chuck Hayes was asked about the story and his response seemed to indicate that he’d heard it before. Hayes, who played with Artest in Houston, said he didn’t believe that Artest actually drank during halftime of games, but I’m not sure I’d put anything past Ron-Ron, to be honest. To hear Artest talk, his wild ways are behind him even though he is still clearly a certifiably insane loon. He claims to have tamed his wild lifestyle, although he still likes to party and have fun. "When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild," he told the magazine. "A lot of marijuana and alcohol -- even before [that age]. ... I [still] party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night." That sort of activity I could not care less about; the drinking during games interests me. Any random slug can go out and get their drink on at the nearest bar or in their home on any given night, but there are only about 360 guys in the world at any given time with the opportunity to liquor up right in the middle of an NBA game for which they are being paid tens of thousands of dollars to play. Of those 360 men, only Ron Artest is willing to take the chance and for that, he has my fandom and support………

- Sweeet! There is so much terrible music released every year that when a good album by a good artist comes along, I appreciate it even more than I probably should. Hearing that Canadian indie rockers The Arcade Fire will soon be back with their first new album in nearly three years is that sort of good news. For the musically uninformed, The Arcade Fire’s sound is…..well, it’s an amazing mix or instrumentation, it’s eccentric, eclectic and layered while still rocking out. The band burst onto the scene with 2003's "Funeral" and has since release two albums, a self-titled project in 2005 and 2007's "Neon Bible." Details about their new album are scarce at this point, but what we do know is that the band is nearing completion of the project and plans to return to the stage in 2010. Early reports have it projected for a release some time in May and as for touring plans, they would be The Arcade Fire’s first live performances since Jan. 21, when the group played at the Obama Campaign Staff Ball at the DC Armory following the presidential inauguration. Not surprisingly, it was revealed that the band has spent the past six months entrenched in the studio with producer Markus Dravs, working on the album. When your sound is as intricate and varied as TAF’s, going in and ripping through an album in a couple of weeks just isn't how business is done. Dravs has worked with the likes of Coldplay, Bjork and Brian Eno, and served as engineer on "Bible," so there should be a certain degree of continuity in the sound, depending of course on what direction the band wants to go in terms of their sound. Asked about the sound of the new songs, Dravs reportedly called the band's new songs "better.” Hmm…..cryptic, yet encouraging. Look for a single to hit the air early next year, although being the sort of person who doesn’t bother listening to the radio for music (mostly because I boast the world’s best iTunes collection), that’s not a huge deal for me. No tour plans are definite, but a band of The Arcade Fire’s stature obviously has quite a few offers and is expected to take a top slot at one or more of the major North American summer festivals. I would expect the new album to be the most successful commercially of the band’s soon-to-be four releases, with "Funeral" having sold 466,000 copies in the United States and "Neon Bible" having sold 420,000 thus far. "Funeral" has also been named one of the top albums of the decade by multiple music media outlets and if you haven’t listened to it by this point, I’d say now is the time to change that……..

- Well this is absolutely shocking, to say the least. A doctor who exposed the torture of jailed protesters in Iran died of poisoning from a delivery salad laced with an overdose of blood pressure medication, according to an autopsy conducted after his unexpected passing. Ramin Pourandarjani, a doctor at Kahrizak, a prison on Tehran's outskirts where hundreds of opposition protesters were taken, laid bare some details of the torture of prisoners arrested following the bogus re-election of dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Those revelations were a major back eye for the country's clerical leadership and security forces. The scene at the prison became so ugly that Iran's supreme leader was forced to close it down. Pourandarjani eventually testified to a parliamentary committee and reportedly told them that a young protester he treated died from severe torture. He said he was also forced by security officials to list the cause of death as meningitis rather than the actual cause – abuse and torture. Then all of a sudden, Pourandarjani died on Nov. 10 in mysterious circumstances. Initially officials claimed he was in a car accident, then their story became that he either had a heart attack or committed suicide. Thankfully, an autopsy was performed and forensic tests showed that the doctor died of "poisoning by drugs" that matched doses of propranolol found in a salad that was delivered to him. Propranolol is used to treat high blood pressure, rapid heart rate and tremors, and can be lethal in high doses. Now call me cynical, but a lethal dose of a drug that could obviously be found inside a prison to treat patients finds its way into the salad of a doctor who exposed embarrassing secrets about prisoner abuse at another facility by the government…..sounds fishy, no? Opposition groups seem to agree with me that . Ramin Pourandarjani was killed because of what he knew. Investigators say they are still trying to determine whether the death was murder or suicide, but I’ll go ahead and assume that they are either lying or stupid, possibly both. The key witness in the case, the restaurant delivery man, told investigators that he gave the salad directly to Pourandarjani and described how the doctor took it from him at the door of his room, then closed the door behind him. I wouldn’t expect this guy to change his story any time soon unless he too would like to find his way into a shallow grave sooner rather than later. Iranian police are insisting that Pourandarjani was simply distraught over failure to fulfill his duties treating prisoners. If you can talk yourselves into believing that load of horse crap, Iraqi police, then you are far more skilled at self-deception than I’ll ever be……….

- It’s a scene right out of the Tom Hanks movie "The Terminal," sort of. Feng Zhenghu is indeed stuck in political and diplomatic limbo inside an airport, but unlike Hanks’ character, his home country has not ceased to exist. Feng is a Chinese citizen who has moved into Narita (Tokyo) Airport's international arrival concourse for the past month because his home country has denied him re-entry on eight seprarate occasions. Rather than accept the rejection and make himself comfortable living in Japana for the time being, he’s holding the proverbial boombox over his head and standing out in front of the house of the girl he loves (in this case, China), blasting cheesy ‘80s music while rain pours down, pleading to be let inside. Four times he boarded planes and landed in Shanghai before Chinese immigration turned him around and the other four times Japanese officials didn't let him board the plane, saying he'd be refused entry. Ironically, he’s never been given an official reason for the rejection, although Feng suspects it's due to his prior work in China as a human rights activist. After the eighth rejection, Feng decided that enough was enough and that he would make his case a public spectacle by refusing to leave the airport until he was guaranteed re-admittance into China. To promote his cause, he took two of his t-shirts and wrote messages in Chinese and English explaining that he is a Chinese citizen refused entry into China. He began walking up and down the concourse, encouraging fellow passengers to stop and read his shirts. He’s also making use of technology, exploiting his mobile connection and the camera in his cell phone to blog, tweet and update the world on his saga. "27th day, hot water," Feng tweeted. On one lonely day, "Silence is the loudest sound." As a quick aside, that sounds like the journal entry for the central character in a bad adventure movie after he or she has been stranded in the jungle for weeks on end with no food and little water. The design of the airport is posing a challenge for Fend, as there aren't any restaurants in the arrival concourse before customs. That has forced Feng to rely on the kindness of flight crews and travelers to drop off food as they pass by. They’ve brought biscuits, pizza and even salad. Feng was so pumped by the pizza that he snapped a picture of it and posted it on his blog. Initially airport officials figured he would give up and accept his fate after a few days, possibly even accepting Japan’s offer of asylum. Instead, he’s forged on without hot showers, without regular food and without a clue as to when his odyssey will end. Feng is entering his second month in residence and Yoshiyuki Kurita, Narita's Vice President of Security, says he's growing concerned. "I really like Mr. Feng," says Kurita, who now considers Feng a friend. "That's why I want him to enter Japan, for the sake of his health. My wish is that he voluntarily enters Japan. This is not a place to live. I really hope he understands this. We don't need a Tom Hanks at this airport." Airport security could technically escort Feng into Japan, but Kurita would rather he do it willingly. Just don’t expect the Chinese government to cave and suddenly grow enough of a heart to allow Feng back in. "China's relevant government agencies will adhere to appropriate regulations and entry-exit laws to address this issue," said China's Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman, Qin Gang. So the question is how long Feng will keep up his protest and the answer came in one of his recent tweets. Feng wrote that he's getting used to his new life, plans to wait it out as long as he can stand it and that, "It is when the majority of Chinese have learned about my story that I shall return to my homeland." Hope you like being a permanent resident of the arrival concourse, Feng………

Victoria's Secret finally embraces diversity, differing ways of preparing for college football's postseason and Texas prison inmates outsmart guards

2009-12-02T17:24:00.000-05:00

- It’s about freaking time. We’ve brought diversity to so many parts of society in these here United States, from the White House to Congress to Major League Baseball and beyond. But somehow, there hadn’t been a Victoria's Secret model of Asian descent to walk the catwalk – until now. Liu Wen, who began modeling four years ago after entering a modeling contest in China to win a computer to use for school, appeared in the Victoria's Secret fashion show that aired Tuesday on CBS. "I was surprised when my agent told me," Wen said. "I asked my agent if she was joking. I didn't think an Asian girl would get this job." She received her opportunity after Victoria's Secret picked her out of a regular model casting call. "Liu Wen is a beautiful woman. She has a strong and energetic presence on the runway. She looked absolutely stunning in our fashion show," said the show's executive producer, Monica Mitro. Judging from the show, Wen fits right in with the rest of the tall, thin lingerie models of various ethnic backgrounds that VS uses to hawk its overpriced inventory, much more so than she did as a 5’10 model in China, where the average height for women is closer to 4’10 than six feet. I suppose her future in fashion was aided by having a dad who was clearly out ahead of the metrosexual revolution, with a career as an interior designer. Her initial break came in high school whenshe submitted photos for a modeling contest, hoping to win the top prize of a laptop. "I was studying to be a teacher in China and my friend was entering a modeling contest," she said. "The prize was a computer, and I needed a computer for school. So I entered the contest, too, and then I won." Her win led Wen to move from her hometown of Yongzhou to the Chinese capital of Beijing, where she appeared on the covers of Chinese editions of FHM and Marie Claire and Chinese Elle. She made her runway debut in 2008, followed quickly by fashion weeks around the world for designing giants like Anna Sui, Dolce & Gabbana, Alexander McQueen, Chloé and Lanvin. Now that she has broken the Asian barrier for Victoria’s Secret, Wen says she’d also consider trying her hand at acting. There is no bigger fan of diversity and opportunity than yours truly, so I definitely applaud this development and any other 5’10, über-hot Asian chicks who want to walk around in lingerie on national television are fine by me as well………

- I take it all back, WNBA honks….actually, no I don’t. Your league is every bit as irrelevant and unimportant now as it was before confirmed steroid user and disgraced track star Marion Jones announced that she is training for a comeback in the WNBA. Jones has been training with members of the San Antonio Silver Stars (yes San Antonio, you have a WNBA franchise), a fact confirmed by coach Dan Hughes. It’s been more than a year since Jones was released from federal prison for lying about ‘roiding up, which is apparently enough time for the all-mighty WNBA to forget about her convicted-felon status and offer her an opprotunity. Jones has been in San Antonio working on her skills and conditioning in San Antonio since October, which seems like a good idea because what the hell else is she going to do? "I thought it would be an interesting journey if I decided to do this," Jones said. "It would give me an opportunity to share my message to young people on a bigger platform; it would give me an opportunity to get a second chance." Her background in basketball includes a stint as the starting point guard at North Carolina, where she was a member of the Tar Heels' national championship team in 1994. No word on how she fared in prison pickup games at a Texas federal prison during her six-month stint for lying about doping and her role in a check-fraud scam, but the experience clearly left her with a hankering to play subpar basketball that no one cares to watch. But hey, I’m sure that a WNBA championship trophy (I assume they have one, or maybe like all other amateur sports out there, the coaches just take the players out for ice cream to celebrate) would definitely fill the void left for Jones when she was stripped of three gold medals and two bronzes she won at the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Even though it has been nearly a decade and a half since she last played basketball competitively, Jones believes she can be an asset to a WNBA team. "It's important for people to know that it's possible to make a mistake in your life, but it's what you do after the mistake that people are going to remember you by," she said. "Are you going to make whatever negatives that happened in your life a positive? Are you going to disappear? That has certainly never been in my horizon. How can I use my experience, my story, to help people and in the process hop on this journey of trying to make a team?" Well said, M. If nothing else, big ups to you for actually managing to find a new sport that the sporting public cares even less about than your former sport of choice………

- Honduras has heard your threats, demands and pleas, rest of the world, and they could not care less. Nearly everyone outside the country may want deposed Honduran President Jose Manuel Zelaya to be reinstated as head of state, but the country’s congress disagrees and their votes are the only ones that matter. A vote was held Wednesday and of the 128 lawmakers, more than half voted in favor of a motion against the reinstatement of Zelaya. In the Honduran chamber, each lawmaker addressed the rest of the legislature and then recorded his or her vote. It was a painstakingly slow process and although voting was not complete by the end of the day, Zelaya's opponents tallied the simple majority, or 65 votes, needed to keep Zelaya a political pariah. Only eight lawmakers had voted to reinstate Zelaya by the tie his opponents achieved a majority. The vote came after a U.S.-brokered pact that representatives for Zelaya and de facto President Roberto Micheletti signed October 29 which allowed the Honduran congress to decide Zelaya's fate. In some sense, the vote was a moot point, as Hondurans elected a new president, opposition candidate Porfirio Lobo Sosa, on Sunday. The best Zelaya could have hoped for was to win the right to serve out the remainder of his term as a lame-duck president, but even that faint hope is now gone. Perhaps sensing how the vote would go, Zelaya said prior to it he would not accept the post even if Congress voted him back in. His theory was that accepting the job would legitimize the June 28 military-backed coup that ousted him and made Micheletti the country's de facto president. Now that he has been officially denied a return to power, Zelaya’s status makes for a sticky situation for the international community. Many nations said before Sunday's election they would withhold recognition if Zelaya were not returned to power. The United States, Colombia and Costa Rica have said they will recognize Lobo, but Argentina and Brazil have said they will not. Members of congress would reply that they were merely voting the will of the people, as elected representatives are supposed to do. "History will judge us, and I'm certain it will judge us positively," congressman Juan Angel Rivera Tabora said. "Congress didn't make this problem. The problem came to us." In making their decision, the congress sought opinions from the nation's Supreme Court and other bodies before holding the vote. Of course the court was going to advise the congress not to vote Zelaya back in because just last week, the court ruled that Zelaya cannot return to office without first facing trial on charges that he acted unconstitutionally when he tried to hold a vote that could have led to the removal of presidential term limits. Now, Zelaya must decide his next move. He can’t exactly continue to be an indefinite houseguest at the Brazilian Embassy in Tegucigalpa, where he’s been staying since Sept. 21. Time to figure out your next stop, Joe………

- Different teams gear up for college football bowl season in different ways. Allow me to illustrate exactly what I mean by that statement. For example, the Michigan State Spartans are a so-so Big Ten team headed for a mid-level bowl game and to get ready for the Insight or Alamo bowls, some of their players are honing their fighting skills by taking part in campus residence hall brawls. The fight took place during a potluck function sponsored by the Iota Phi Theta fraternity on Nov. 22 at a residence hall. University police, clearly with some free time from their specialty, citations for underage drinking, have identified 10 suspects and hope to identify five more. Michigan State confirmed Tuesday that sophomore running back Glenn Winston and junior safety Roderick Jenrette were present during the incident and those two geniuses have already been dismissed from team due to the infamous “unspecified violation of team rules.” The university has also suspended eight additional players who were present at the brawl: wide receiver Mark Dell, wide receiver B.J. Cunningham, wide receiver Fred Smith, running back Ashton Leggett, cornerback Chris L. Rucker, linebacker Brynden Trawick, nose tackle Ishmyl Johnson and defensive end Jamiihr Williams. All eight players have been suspended from all team-related activities, with the suspensions of Dell, Cunningham, Leggett and Rucker noteworthy because all four have started games for Michigan State this fall. Police were able to identify all suspects from the fight through interviews with victims and witnesses and following a review of on-site video. Once the investigation is complete, Michigan State police expect to forward their findings to Ingham County Prosecutor Stuart Dunnings III. Dunnings will determine whether any warrants will be issued and what charges will be filed, if any. It was quite a weekend for the Michigan State football program, it turns out, as there was a massive rumble during a party sponsored by the same fraternity at The Small Planet, a nightclub near campus, the previous night. A manager at the club stated that football players were involved in the fight. Quite a team you have there, coach Mark Dantonio and athletic director Mark Hollis. Perhaps you suscribe to the theory that the team that throws down together wins together, but you should really try to class things up. Now, for a different approach to postseason preparation. Let’s look at the curious case of Florida Gators defensive end Carlos Dunlap, who was arrested and charged with driving under the influence early Tuesday morning in Gainesville. Dunlap, a junior from North Charleston, S.C., was arrested at 3:25 a.m. near campus after officers responded to a reckless driving complaint and found Dunlap's 2000 Chrysler stopped at a traffic light near the 200 block of W. 34th Street. And when I say stopped at a traffic light, I mean stopped at a traffic light, as in Dunlap slumped over in the driver’s seat while not one, not two, but seven green lights came and went. Officers reportedly approached the car, found Dunlap passed out and attempted to wake him. Gainesville Police Department spokesman Lt. Keith Kameg said officers “talked to him and he would only open his eyes for a few seconds and then fall back asleep." Eventually, officers were able to unlock the car and turn off the ignition, then administer a field sobriety test that Dunlap failed badly. Nothing like seeing a 6-foot-6, 290-pound defensive end who is considered a potential first-round draft choice stumble his way through a simple field sobriety test, I have to admit. Dunlap was booked into the jail at 5:52 a.m., then released on his own recognizance about six hours later during his initial appearance at the Alachua County Jail. Before he was set free, Judge Mary Day Coker admonished Dunlap for underage drinking, and said he cannot possess alcohol, illegal drugs or prescription drugs that are not prescribed for him. In the wake of Dunlap’s arrest, Florida coach Urban Meyer announced after practice Tuesday evening that Dunlap has been suspended indefinitely from the team and will not play for the No. 1 Gators against No. 2 Alabama for the SEC Championship on Saturday in Atlanta's Georgia Dome. How very responsible of you, Urb. Actually, I’m stunned to see the coach of an elite Div. I team have the stones to suspend one of his top players before the biggest game of the season. Don’t expect that suspension to last beyond this game, especially if UF wins and makes it to next month’s national championship game. So there you have it, two different methods to preparing for the college football postseason. We just have to wait and see whose approach is more successful in the end………

- Phony invalid prisoner 1, state of Texas criminal justice system 0. That’s the scoreboard after a prisoner in a wheelchair escaped on foot Monday from two armed guards as he was being transferred between prisons. Arcade Comeaux Jr. is the prisoner who faked an inability to walk, scored a wheelchair and then managed to overpower two guards on his way to a new prison. The man who oversees Texas' criminal justice system, state Sen. John Whitmire, is oddly upset by this development and seems to view it as some sort of indictment of the system itself. Whitmire, a Democrat from Houston who is chairman of the state Senate's Criminal Justice Committee, called Wednesday for a shake-up in the system as authorities searched for Comeaux and tried to figure out just what the f*ck happened. "I just think enough's enough," Whitmire said. "We need a complete shake-up of the leadership of our prison system and/or an outside review by third parties. We just can't have security breaches of this nature." Probably not, especially when the escapee in question was serving a life sentence for aggravated sexual assault and two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. The scene sets up thusly: a van containing Comeaux and two correctional officers left the Estelle prison in Huntsville about 5:45 a.m. Monday, bound for the Stiles prison in Beaumont, where Comeaux was being reassigned. Comeaux was shackled and in a wheelchair, "which he had claimed was needed for mobility,” according to a police statement. About 45 minutes into the trip, as they were driving through Conroe, 40 minutes north of Houston, Comeaux pulled out a pistol and ordered the guards to drive south to Baytown, east of Houston. The obvious question would be how a prisoner got his hands on a gun, but somehow he did. Clearly this is a guy who saw his best chance to escape, knew there was nothing more that could be added to his punishment because he was already serving a life sentence and decided to carpe the diem in a big way. Once the van reached Baytown, Comeaux took one of the guards' gray uniforms, handcuffed the officers together and left them in the rear of the van unharmed and sans dignity. He fled the scene after taking the officers' two semiautomatic pistols and a 12-gauge shotgun and leaving his own weapon behind. That was at approximately 9 a.m., an hour before law enforcement officers arrived and found the unharmed officers in the back of the van. Ironically, Comeaux was being transferred to Beaumont so he would be near John Sealy Hospital in Galveston, for treatment of the supposed paralysis he had suffered during a reported stroke. That claim would appear to be a complete fabrication and adds even more egg to the face of the criminal justice system. In an attempt to rectify their mistake, police are offering $16,000 in reward money for information leading to Comeaux's rearrest. More than 100 investigators are searching for the escapee and hopefully they are smarter than those charged with guarding and overseeing Comeaux up to this point. The critical mistake in this incident appears to be the failure of the two guards to pat down Comeaux while he was in his wheelchair and before they began the trip. Insufficient searches appear to be a substantial issue throughout the Texas prison system of late, as more than 900 cell phones have been confiscated this year alone from the 112 locations that house the state's 158,000 prisoners. You’re not exactly inspiring confidence in your prison system, Texas officials. Step your game up, keep a closer eye on prisoners and try not to allow them to Jedi mind-trick you with incredibly simply escape plans……..

Getting FAT to get fit, a college football nightmare ends and all fear the Black Screen of death - courtest of Microsoft, of course

2009-12-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

- Paul James is a bit of a freak. While most people are looking to shed pounds and live a healthier lifestyle, James was looking to go the opposite direction – albeit with an ulterior motive. James, a personal trainer from Melbourne, Australia, was a chiseled 176 pounds of muscle a year ago. He is a trainer at Doherty's Gym in Melbourne, where dozens of like-minded, athletic specimens go to get their workout on. Yet when New Year’s Eve rolled around, James decided to make a resolution that could make only people like Mark Mangino and Rosie O’Donnell proud: gain weight and live a less-healthy lifestyle. James decided to stop working out, start eating junk food and pack on the pounds because he was having a difficult time relating to heavier gym patrons. "I always got along well with my clients, but there was a little bit of a bridge that I couldn't cross," James said. "Having never been overweight myself, it was really hard to understand what people go through -- what it feels like to go to the gym for the first time and how to get motivated. These are things I thought were real easy to address." To better empathize with those chunky gym-goers, James literally stopped working out entirely, began downing fast food habitually (he once ate four large pizzas in one sitting - 14,400 calories in an hour and a half, by his calculation) and filmed the experiment for an upcoming documentary titled "Fat and Back." He insists that his project is not a copycat of Morgan Spurlock’s McDonald’s expose, Supersize Me, and claims that he went to great lengths not to mirror Spurlock’s work. Instead, his purpose was to understand what overweight people go through and the struggles they face in changing their lifestyle – wherever they get their unhealthy food. In order to reach his bizarro-goal weight of 265 pounds, James ate a lot of crap and once he hit that mark, he spent three months maintaining it. Besides packing 12 inches on his waistline, he also found himself experiencing muscle pain, increased fatigue and dangerous spikes in cholesterol and blood sugar. Doctors worried about the impact on his spine from having to support his newly bulging stomach. Friends talked junk to him about his growing man boobs and James admits that the emotional toll from gaining 89 pounds and living as a fat guy was more than he expected. “I definitely overlooked the mental side of things and didn't realize how difficult it would really be," he explained. Come July, it was time to turn things around and get back to working out so he could complete the second half of his journey. Working out for the first time in six months proved to be a major adjustment as well. "The transition back into training was the hardest moment for me because I just didn't have any desire to train at all, and I was addicted to fat and sugar at the same time so my motivation was at an all-time low," James stated. After six weeks of training and shifting his focus, he managed to kick his junk-food habit and get back to healthy eating and regular workouts. Today, James is under 220 pounds and confident he can work his way back to his former physique by the end of the year. "It's all about motivation," James explained. "I want to move on and do more training on a wider scale with people from all over the world." Filming for "Fat And Back" will conclude in January and from there, James hopes to see it released in theaters or on television within a few months. It’s a truly bizarre journey and not one that anyone out there would be well-advised to follow. Get rid of
the junk food and fast food, start getting regular physical activity before it’s too late………

- Thank God, the nightmare is over. While I may be viewed as a jackass by some for celebrating the end of one of the most celebrated tenures in college football history, I’m not saying anything that a) isn't true and b) a lot of you aren’t thinking anyhow. Legendary Florida State coach Bobby Bowden, who built one of college football's greatest dynasties in 34 seasons with the Seminoles announced his retirement today in a written statement. He will coach FSU in whatever bowl game gets stuck with his 6-6 Seminoles, then ride off into the proverbial sunset. My problem with Bowden is simple and it’s also complicated. The simple part is that he’s one of those self-centered sports figures who cannot admit that they’ve outlived their usefulness and should call it quits. The story with Florida State football now is not the team on the field or the players; it’s all Bobby Bowden, all the time. Will he continue coaching? Will he retire? Can he still get the job done? It’a all about him and would be for as long as he was the head coach at Florida State. The bottom line is that his team’s on-field performance is worse from year to year and shows no signs of improvement. In light of this, Bowden should be able to, assuming he actually believes the messages of team-first thinking all coaches spout to their players all the time, admit that the program needs new leadership and step aside. But Bowden’s ego won't allow him to graciously step aside and this old codger still thinks that at age 80, he can make FSU an elite program once again. Not happening, B. The complicated side of the issue is that due to his immense legacy at FSU, getting rid of him is next to impossible. Firing the great Bobby Bowden would be unconscionable at best and his loyal supports would be looking to tar and feather anyone involved with such a move. So how do you get rid of a coach you can’t fire while simultaneously respecting all he’s done for your school and football program? The answer, as FSU president TK Wetherell and athletic director Randy Spetman discovered, is shaming Bowden into retirement by allowing him to return for one more season only if he accepted a severely reduced role that would make him little more than a figurehead for the 2010 season. Faced with this choice, Bowden’s ego clearly drove the bus and told him to retire. He made it official today and will leave the game as the second-winningest coach of all-time with 388 career victories, trailing only Penn State's Joe. Offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher, who was named Bowden's eventual successor near the end of the 2007 season, has agreed to contract terms to replace Bowden after this season. I hate the trend of naming a coach-in-waiting two or three years before a head coach retires as well, but that’s another argument for another day. The bottom line here is that this season marked the third time in four seasons that FSU lost six games and if Bobby Bowden couldn’t take an objective look at the state of his football program and admit that the time had come for him to leave, then whatever means the university took to force him into retirement were justified and wholly acceptable……..

- Sorry to all of the Alex O'Loughlin fans out there – both of you. For a second time, they must say a premature farewell to their favorite actor after CBS announced the cancellation of his new medical drama, Three Rivers. The organ-donor drama has been bottoming out in the ratings, drawing an average of 7.5 million viewers, and the network simply decided that it was wiser to air repeats of Criminal Minds and NCIS: Los Angeles instead Rivers. Effective immediately, the network will yank the show from the air, even though Rivers will complete production on all 13 episodes from the show's original order. No decisions have been made on whether they will air, but I wouldn’t be looking for them to show up any time soon. On the positive side for CBS, it did have two successful new series this fall with NCIS: LA and The Good Wife. Wife and LA averaged 13.7 million and 17.5 million viewers, respectively. Those are strong numbers even for shows I have no interest whatsoever in. Then again, I don’t regularly watch any shows on the supposed most-watched network on television, so that’s no surprise. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure why I’m talking about this at all, so let’s just move on and pretend this never happened…….

- All fear the Black Screen of Death! And if I’m talking black screens of death, of course I’m talking about the world’s worst operating system, Microsoft Windows. Microsoft admitted on Monday that it is looking into reports that its latest security updates are causing some serious problems for certain users, a problem that has been dubbed the "black screen of death." It leaves users with a black desktop and little else on their screen – ironically, this is an improvement over the travesty that is any version if Windows. "Microsoft is investigating reports that its latest release of security updates is resulting in system issues for some customers," the company said in a statement. "Once we complete our investigation, we will provide detailed guidance on how to prevent or address these issues. " Allow me to translate that from business-ese: We have no damn idea what the problem is with our sh**ty operating system. The issue was first identified by security firm Prevx on its blog on Friday. Ironically, Prevx actually did have a clue what the problem was. "The symptoms are very distinctive and troublesome," Prevx said. "After logging on there is no desktop, task bar, system tray or sidebar. Instead you are left with a totally black screen and a single My Computer Explorer window." Prevx suggested that the black screen issue can occur on a wide range of Windows machines from Windows NT through Windows 7 and that not all causes of the black-screen issue are related to the security update. "In researching this issue we have identified at least 10 different scenarios which will trigger the same black screen conditions," Prevx said. "These appear to have been around for years now." Well, most problems with Windows have been around for years – since its creation, actually. When Microsoft released its latest security updates on November 10 and issued six bulletins addressing 15 flaws, it succeeded in doing what it does best – making matters worse. Worse yet, a Microsoft representative said that the company continues to recommend that customers "test and deploy" the November security updates. Yes, deploy security updates that will bring the Black Screen of Death to your computer, well said…………

- This isn't going over well. President Obama announced Tuesday that he is sending 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan and as you’d expect, the sh*t immediately hit the fan. Liberals railed against the decision to seemingly further a war that Obama had vowed to end and conservatives ripped him for a) the manner in which he made the decision, b) the speech he gave to announce it and c) sending only 30,000 troops when the military leaders on the ground in Afghanistan had asked for more. The president attempted to cushion the blow by insisting that he plans to conclude the war and withdraw most U.S. service members within three years. The military reinforcements are scheduled to arrive in Afghanistan within six months, marking Obama’s second escalation of U.S. forces in the war-torn country since he came to power in January. In another attempt to make his flip-flop on the war look less douche-baggish, Obama is also seeking further troop commitments from NATO allies as part of a counterinsurgency strategy aimed at wiping out al Qaeda, stabilizing the country and training Afghan forces. With these new troops, the American presence in Afghanistan will now surpass 100,000 troops in Afghanistan, with only about 45,000 NATO forces by their side. And what speech would be complete without bashing the other side of the political spectrum? Obama accomplished this by firing back at Republicans who had accused him of "dithering" over the decision. In the end, it’s a difficult decision that will ramp up the one war we’ve fought this decade that actually had some justification at some point in its existence. Not that the situation in Afghanistan is any better for it, but I suppose you can’t ask for too much…….

A Heroes recap, an impossible decision for Israel and the quest for all-time NBA ineptitude

2009-11-30T21:42:00.001-05:00

- Gee, it’s hard to see why the marriage between David Hasselhoff and Pamela Bach didn’t work out. The Hoff is a known alcoholic whose best recent work was that pathetic YouTube video in which one of his daughters filmed him writhing and rambling while fall-down drunk on the floor in an attempt to shame him into quitting his drinking ways. Now that we know that the former Mrs. Hoff is also a raging alkie, it’s just not that difficult to figure out why these two couldn’t keep their relationship from going off the tracks. Bach’s revelation as a lush came Saturday when she was arrested at 8:03 p.m. Saturday in the west San Fernando Valley on on suspicion of DUI. She was later booked at the Van Nuys police department and released early Sunday morning after posting $15,000 bail. Oh, and her arrest came just a day after the Hoff was hospitalized after he was found passed out at his home. But fear not; as with all good drunks, Bach has a solid explanation. She claims that she was trying to comfort the couple's daughters earlier in the evening and then went out for dinner where she had a few drinks. "I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce," she lied. As if that lie wasn’t enough, she also stated that she is now attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Maybe she and the Hoff can stage a family reunion at the next AA meeting, then go out for a few gin-and-juices afterward, since that’s what they seem to do best………

- Maybe I’ve just watched too much television, but this sounds exactly like a plot from an episode of 24 or some other spy/international espionage-themed drama. Israel is facing a difficult situation because of of an Israeli soldier who is being held captive by Hamas. Cpl. Gilad Shalit has been a prisoner of the terror group for three years and now Hamas is attempting to use him to leverage the release of 980 Palestinian prisoners currently in Israeli custody. That figure, released by Israel's State Prosecutor's Office, is the first official estimate of how many Palestinians could be freed in exchange for Shalit. He was captured in a 2006 Hamas raid near the Israel-Gaza border. Making this sort of demand, the release of hundreds of dangerous prisoners in exchange for one captured person of importance, is just the type of dilemma that you’d expect for hear Jack Bauer debating. But the Israeli government is clearly giving strong consideration to these demands, as papers filed with Israel's high court reveal. The documents spell out the government’s potential plan for an initial release of 450 prisoners in the first phase of a deal, with another 530 prisoners slated to be freed in a second phase. The decision has caused an understandable amount of outrage from relatives of Israelis slain by Palestinians and a group of these relatives have petitioned the court to force the government to release more information about the details of a possible exchange. Negotiations for Shalit's release have been conducted through third-party mediators seeking to bridge the gap between Israel and Hamas. Talks have started and stopped repeatedly and at numerous times during the process, there seemed to be no real hope for an agreement. However, Shalit's freedom has become a condition for the Israelis to consider ending a blockade that has economically wounded the Palestinian territory of Gaza and that has been enough to bring Hamas back to the table. At a critical impasse in negotiations last week, Israeli President Shimon Peres met with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak in Cairo, Egypt, and hinted that the talks could be at a critical juncture. That fueled speculation about a possible deal, but any such accord will also require the Israeli government to announce the list of any prisoners to be released and allow 48 hours for objections before a deal can take place. I’m honestly not sure where to come out on this, because a lot of people lose either way. If Israel doesn’t ante up and save Shalit, his friend, family and fellow soldiers will be heartbroken and angry. If Israel caves and releases nearly 1,000 Palestinian prisoners, then the family members of those who were killed or injured by the released prisoners will be livid. It’s the proverbial no-win situation and all I can say at this point is how thankful I am that it’s not my decision to make………

- Old things ending and new things beginning was the theme for tonight’s Heroes, the last episode of 2009 and the final one before the two-hour behemoth on Jan. 4 that will mark the show’s last night in the 8 p.m. Monday time slot before moving back an hour to accommodate the (much anticipated) return of another fave show, Chuck. The old things ending appeared to be 1) the tenure of Edgar as Samuel Sullivan’s second in command at the Sullivan Bros. carnival, Nathan Petrelli’s life (and Adrian Pasdar’s time on the show) and Claire Bennet’s grasp on reality and the outside world. In regards to the Petrelli family, Peter’s quest to track down the mutated hybrid that is his brother Nathan mashed up with über-villain Sylar was on, even after a visit from Peter’s mother Angela during his shift as a paramedic at the hospital. Instead, Peter happily welcomed a second visitor to help him in his quest: the Haitian, a.k.a. Rene. Eschewing the advice of his mother, Peter used his ability to absorb the power of others to take on Rene’s power to block the powers of others and also to erase their memories. Equipped with his new power, Peter had a chance to use it sooner than expected. On an elevator ride to a higher floor of the building, a husky, black female nurse suddenly accosts him and lifts Peter clean off the floor with one hand. The elevator stops and Peter is hurled through the open door into the wall of a floor currently closed for remodeling. Out of the elevator steps Sylar, who had shape-shifted into the appearance of the female nurse. He seizes Peter’s bag of drugs, intended to be used to subdue Sylar so Peter could use his new power to wipe out all of his Sylar memories and turn the body they occupied back into his brother. A fight ensues and Peter strikes the first blow with a 2x4 to the back after hiding in the shadows. Sylar falls to the floor and turns around to use his telepathic powers to toss Peter across the room again, but to no avail. Peter blocks his powers and instead the duo battles it out mano a mano. Peter takes some solid shots but gains the upper hand, using his rage to fuel his fire. He eventually subdues Sylar enough to really go to work with a nail gun, pinning his adversary to a piece of plywood on the floor. Next, Peter attempts to permanently turn the body in front of him back into his brother by wiping out all Sylar memories. The attempt seems to work as the body shape-shifts back into Nathan’s likeness and Nathan speaks to Peter to confirm the change. Still, he admits that he’s extremely tired from fighting to stay alive inside the body while Sylar’s mind tries to kill him off. Peter suggests that they get out for some fresh air to clear Nathan’s mind and takes him to the building we saw Peter leap from the roof of in the first episode of the series when he was still figuring out his own powers and believed he could fly. The two reminisce about Nathan saving Peter that day by unleashing his own power to fly. Joy is short-lived, however, as Nathan continues to lament that he’s really not still alive and is merely a fraud living in a borrowed body. In the end, he takes his own way out by jumping off the roof. Peter catches him and is able to hold onto him momentarily, but in the end Nathan convinces him to let go in an emotional speech that brings tears to both brothers’ eyes. Peter releases his grip, Nathan falls and…..turns into Sylar mid-fall. Before he hits the ground, Sylar is back in possession of the body and in spite of crashing into the hood of a car, Sylar walks away unscathed thanks to his power to heal. A helpless Peter can only look on in dismay as Sylar waves to him from a hundred feet below and strolls casually away from the scene. There’s nothing casual about Claire Bennet’s current situation. Having stolen the mysterious compass from her father’s apartment last episode, Claire and roommate Gretchen follow the bizarro navigational device to the Sullivan Bros. carnival somewhere in southern Ohio. H.R.G. realizes the compass is gone right as he’s to leave for a date with former/current flame Lauren Gilmore (whose name is a nod to Gilmore Girls and star Lauren Graham, perhaps). She shows up at his apartment, asks about his new wall collage detailing his research into Samuel Sullivan and other people with powers currently making news in the world and spurs H.R.G. to dig into his desk for the compass to illustrate what he’s up to. The compass is gone and H.R.G. realizes instantly that Claire took it, bringing a swift end to his date and sending he and Lauren on a frantic search to pinpoint Claire’s location. She doesn’t answer a phone call, but Lauren is able to triangulate her cell phone’s signal to the southern portion of Ohio. That leaves H.R.G. at a loss for what to do next, but he compounds his woes by admitting to Lauren that they had a romantic relationship while working for the Company but that when it became clear than their affair wasn’t working out, she “Haitian-ed” herself, using her own power to wipe out all her memories of the relationship so they could both move on. She’s taken aback by the revelation and none too happy, but a knock at the door interrupts the conversation. The visitor is none other than Eli, the man whom Samuel Sullivan has asked to be his new right-hand man in light of Edgar’s departure last episode on account of Samuel falsely accusing him of murder and attempting to kill him. Eli is a replicator, meaning he can multiply himself. He actually takes a straightforward approach with H.R.G. and is honest about who he is and the purpose of his visit. When H.R.G. won't allow him inside, Eli uses his power to multiply himself and with several copies to go around, he manages to get inside the apartment and force H.R.G. and Lauren to retreat to the bathroom to regroup. H.R.G. pulls out several hidden guns and announces a plan to shoot every copy of Eli in sight until they hit the original one, which should kill all of the Eli’s. The problem with that plan is that by this time, Eli (all of him) is gone, having stolen the files Samuel wanted from H.R.G. With all of his research gone, H.R.G. has to figure out his next move while also trying to find his missing daughter. Speaking of Claire, she’s having a day at the carnival with Gretchen and finds herself surprisingly happy and content within the world of the Sullivan Bros. carnival. Samuel meets her at the gate and welcomes she and Gretchen inside. He tells them to look around, enjoy some popcorn and peek behind the scenes. Claire gradually finds herself warming up to the atmosphere because it’s a place where people like her can use their abilities and be around individuals who know what it’s like to live with an ability. Gretchen isn't sold on the idea, even if the super-powered con men, as she calls them, are using their powers to do things like helping a little girl win a carnival game and get a fun prize. The evening also features a visit to the Tattooed Lady, Lydia. After telling Samuel that she knows the truth about him murdering his brother Joseph but vowing to keep quiet to protect her daughter Amanda, Lydia fills her role in the family by offering to use her power to help show Claire why she’s at the carnival. Lydia takes Claire’s hand and uses her power to show a tattoo of Claire’s likeness on her back, with the words “Indestructible Girl” written below. When Claire asks what this means, Lydia says she isn't predicting the future, but merely showing Claire her true desires. As they wander around the rest of the carnival, Claire and Gretchen encounter a familiar face with whom Claire has a history: Eric Doyle, a.k.a. the Puppet Man. Even though he once attempted to kill her, it was Claire who helped Doyle elude government capture and flee Costa Verde last season. Now, he’s a member of Samuel’s family at the carnival and thanks Claire for her help in getting there. To further play with Claire’s emotions and convince her to join his merry band of misfits, Samuel calls on her to tell a story to the children in the group. She consents and basically tells her life story wrapped up in a fairy tale. The children love it, but the evening doesn’t end on a happy note. An irate carnival patron who lost a ball toss game because one of the workers used his power to rig the game when the man wouldn’t step aside to let a little girl play storms the employees’ area and attacks Samuel. Surprisingly, Samuel takes the beating because he believes the man has the right to say what he needs to say. However, Claire has seen enough and steps in between the two. Undeterred, the angry man breaks a beer bottle and attacks her. He slashes Claire on the right cheek, but when she turns back around and he sees her heal right in front of him, he’s so freaked out that he flees. A huge smile creeps across Samuel’s face and his motives for taking the punches becomes immediately clear. He offers to allow her to stay at the carnival for a couple of days to do some soul searching before heading back to school. Claire ultimately decides to accept the offer and tells Gretchen to make the 21-hour drive back to campus without her, but that she’ll be back on Monday. As Gretchen drives away, Samuel and Lydia have a bizarre conversation. Samuel confesses that “she” is not the one he’s after, with the she apparently being Claire. The implication seems to be that Gretchen is the one he’s after, although I could be mistaken. We see Gretchen drive away and as she does, the reflection of the carnival in her read csr window disappears, seeming to indicate that the carnival has vanished once again. Also, what looks like a dead body of a very obese man is lying in the bed of a truck in the parking lot, not sure what that means. The episode ends with a montage of various people with powers – Hiro, Ando, Emma, Peter, etc. – living their lives wherever they are and Samuel speaking a monologue. He goes on about reuniting their “family” and not being carnival nomads anymore. The final shot is of him and his family, Claire among them, in a nondescript field where they gather around Joseph’s grave and Samuel vows that when they gather everyone (people with powers), this is where they will make their home and roam no more. So for the next month, the story stops here, this will pick back up in January………

- This should shock exactly no one, but Iran doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about what the rest of the world thinks of its nuclear-development plans. Iran approved plans Sunday to build 10 industrial scale uranium enrichment facilities, an expansion of the that basically gives a giant diplomatic middle finger to U.N. demands it halt enrichment. Dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made this move knowing full well that it would ratchet up tensions with the West and the timing of the announcement is no coincidence. It came only days after the U.N. nuclear watchdog agency censured Iran over its program and demanded it halt the construction of a newly revealed enrichment facility. The more the West puts its collective foot down and issues ultimatums, the more Iran digs in and defies those who would like to prevent it from developing the capabilities to nuke Israel from the face of the Earth. There is not a snowball in hell’s chance that Iran ever agrees to a U.N. deal aimed at ensuring Tehran cannot build a nuclear weapon in the near-term future. Threatening new U.N. sanctions if Iran does not respond should only spur Ahmadinejad and crew to thumb their nose at the West even more. "Time is running out for Iran to address the international community's growing concerns about its nuclear program," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said. Talk all you want, Bob, Iran ain’t listening. Nor are they going to have an open mind for the U.N.'s International Atomic Energy Agency and its rebuke over enrichment. Just look at the words of one Iranian politician after hearing of the rebuke - parliament speaker Ali Larijani. Larijani threatened on Sunday to reduce cooperation with the IAEA. "Should the West continue to pressure us, the legislature can reconsider the level of Iran's cooperation with the IAEA," Larijani told parliament. Meanwhile, Iran’s one current operating enrichment facility, at the central town of Natanz, has churned out around 3,300 pounds of low-enriched uranium over the past years — enough to build a nuclear weapon if Iran enriches it to a higher level. All along the way, Iran has insisted that it has no intention of following through on that possibility and is merely using its nuclear program to generate electricity. At the risk of pissing off my man M. Ahmadinejad, I would like to point out that ordering the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran to begin building five uranium enrichment plants at sites around Iran and proposing five other locations for future construction within two months is not a good way to convince people that you aren’t looking to develop a massive nuclear arsenal. The fact that these new sites are to be built inside mountains to protect them from possible attacks should only heighten the apocalyptic fears that everyone outside of Iran seems to be harboring right about now, good times………

- I was so ecstatic last year when the Detroit Lions ran the table in reverse for a 0-16 miracle season that was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Seeing a team in a major professional sport not do what it takes to win for an entire season, to see them find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory time after time…..it was inspiring, to say the least. But because an NFL season is only 16 games long and the seasons for other major sports in the United States are much longer, a winless season from an NBA, NHL or MLB team is simply impossible – or so I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the 2009-10 version of the New Jersey Nets, a team that has now tied an NBA record with an 0-17 start. The Nets equaled the mark in a 106-87 loss to the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday, with the defeat coming less than 24 hours after head coach Lawrence Frank was fired for his team’s inept play thus far in the season. New leadership clearly did not help the Nets against one of the NBA’s best teams and they lost to match the worst start to a season that was previously held by the 1988-89 Miami Heat and 1998-99 Los Angeles Clippers. It’s a solid start to a quest for futility as daunting as losing 82 straight NBA games, but there are still 65 games left to lose for the Nets. They will have to lose to a lot of bad teams to get the job done, teams that are almost as pathetic as they are – almost. General manager Kiki Vanderweghe will come down from the front office to coach the team for the rest of the year and this concerns me for a variety of reasons. First, his job could well be on the line just like Frank’s if things don’t turn around. He assembled this roster and if it is able to bring about the fulfillment of my dream of a winless NBA team, Vanderweghe could follow Frank out the door. Second, Vanderweghe is bound to bring a fresh perspective and new approach to the team and that could be just the sort of infectious thinking that will ruin the team’s focus and cause them to slip up. And yes, I realize that hip-hop icon Jay-Z is a minority owner of the Nets and seeing H.O.V.A.’s squad perform so miserably is not something I would have hoped for, ever. That being said and even though I would much prefer it to be a different team headed for historical incompetence, I don’t get to choose the team that will chase this dream. The team chooses itself by its play on the court and I am merely here to root them on in their unintentional quest for a dream……..my dream……..

Afghan jail breaks, weekend movie news and the might of the naked mole rat

2009-11-29T23:23:00.002-05:00

- Why in the world would anyone want to escape from a place at swanky as an Afghan jail? That’s a question I can't answer, but there are 12 guys who could explain it – the 12 prisoners who escaped jail through a tunnel they dug from their cell to the outside in western Afghanistan. This dirty dozen was a collection of low-level Taliban militants, drug-dealers and other minor criminals. Farah province police chief Gen. Mohammad Faqir Askar revealed details of the escape, along with news that a 13th prisoner was arrested during his attempted escape. That prisoner spilled the beans on his comrades and told authorities that the tunnel took 10 days to dig and the plan was to slowly empty the prison overnight. At the time of the escape, there were more than 300 inmates were held in the prison, which was built to hold about 80. Now I am the first to admit that I am not the holder of a master’s in advanced mathematics, but that sounds to me like this prison was about 220 prisoners over capacity, give or take a few. Prison overcrowding has been a major problem in Afghanistan as the country’s corruption-prone government struggles to establish a justice system and prove to the nations – especially the United States – assisting it that there is hope for a better future. Escapes are not the only issue facing Afghani prisons, as violence inside detention facilities has also been a major problem. Last year, inmates in the main prison in Kabul took control of entire cellblocks before being pushed back. In June 2008, Taliban militants launched an assault on a prison in the southern city of Kandahar that freed 900 inmates. Prison overcrowding is also an issue here in the United States, but clearly a developing, war-torn nation like Afghanistan is going to have a much bigger struggle with the same problem because of its limited resources and lack of experience in handling such issues. Not to speak for our government and for Secretary of State Hank Clinton (largely because I fear that Hank might kick my ass if I do), but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that a mass prison escape isn't what Hank had in mind when he proclaimed a need for the Afghan government to weed out corruption and step its game up if it wants to continue receiving assistance from the U.S…………

- Thank God that Bud Selig is at least a little bit smarter than a group of ass-hatted Major League Baseball owners who clearly don’t understand what’s good for their sport. Sure, Selig has done some nice things for the game of baseball during his tenure, but this guy has made as many major errors as he’s had success stories. For every implementation of the wild card system, there’s a tie in the All-Star Game, a failure to institute wider use of replay in the game and an imbecilic decision to award home-field advantage for the World Series to the winner of a meaningless exhibition game like the ASG in a vain attempt to inject it with meaning. In spite of this, a group of baseball owners recently approached Selig and asked him to stay on after his contract ends in 2012. Sources close to the situation say that it was a group of five owners that approached Selig and asked if he would be willing to continue his reign of terror beyond 2012. Thankfully, Selig has the offer and will leave his post once his current contract ends in 2012. That will mark 20 years as commissioner for Selig, who took the job when Fay Vincent was forced out of the commissioner's office 1992. Selig, who is 75, told the moronic owners who asked him to stay on that he wants to leave baseball to pursue other interests while he's still able. No word on what those interests are, but I’m guessing they have nothing to do with baseball and more to do with taking long naps and going to flea markets with other old-timers in Florida. Selig owned the Milwaukee Brewers prior to taking over as commissioner, so clearly he has given the majority of his life to baseball and I for one will not be sad to see him move on……..

- Let’s all enjoy an eco-friendly story that should serve as an example to one and all of how construction projects don’t necessarily have to be mutually exclusive to protecting and nurturing the environment. The tiny port town of Edmonston, Maryland is showing the rest of us how it’s done as it breaks ground this week on one of the greenest streets in the nation. Edmonston, located in Prince George's County, is touting the road as the greenest on the East Coast. What makes it so eco-friendly? Well, the road will help clean and filter toxic storm water pollution that drains into rivers, and eventually into Chesapeake Bay. "What we're hoping to do, from top to bottom, is build a street that is completely environmentally sustainable, " said Edmonston Mayor Adam Ortiz. Ortiz went on to explain that the design for the street incorporates native tree cover to cool off the streets, wind-powered street lights that use high-efficiency LED bulbs, and pedestrian and bicycle access. However, the mayor cites the most important feature as the street’s ability to filter rainwater rather than simply having it wash off directly into local rivers’ debris and all. "[It's] not going to be flushed into our local rivers. Instead it's going to be naturally filtered. And that's very important for us to save our rivers and to help save the Chesapeake Bay here in Maryland,” Ortiz explain. Typically, storm water runoff carries toxins and pollution from parking lots, city streets, farms and agricultural lands, depending on its location. The normal setup is to have underground concrete drain systems that collect the runoff and dump it into rivers and streams, pollutants and all. "What we're going to do, instead, is divert that water into natural gardens. To the naked eye it just looks like a regular garden, but actually it's very specially engineered to absorb a lot of water and naturally filter it before it gets into the water table, and to keep it from washing all those pollutants into the river," Ortiz added. This is important for Edmonston in particular because its storm water runoff drains into the nearby Anacostia River, which feeds into the Washington Channel, then empties into the Potomac River and eventually Chesapeake Bay. Cleaning the water at the start of the process will have a positive effect all along the way. As for the system itself, here’s how it works: The includes using porous bricks in building the road and creating bioretention cells or rain gardens. Polluted runoff water is collected and sent through natural filtration systems, coming out much cleaner on the other side. The project is being funded by the Environmental Protection Agency through a $1.1 million Recovery Act grant. The state of Maryland is looking to Edmonston as a model for similar projects elsewhere in the state and officials say that they have already allocated $20 million for other green projects. "Our goal is that other towns and cities and communities will steal our ideas," Mayor Ortiz said. "We'll know we're successful when we see these technologies used in other places." Agreed and agreed. Now, let’s hope that other towns see and follow your solid example………

- Naked mole rats: They’re not just for Disney Channel cartoons like Kim Possible. Scientists like Thomas Park, a professor of biological sciences at the University of Illinois at Chicago, have been studying these curious creatures and finding that the naked mole rat just might have some important lessons to teach us. For starters, naked mole rats don't get cancer, they aren’t seriously affected by encounters with acid and they age so well, some are older than the handling them. "They really are from Mars, I think," Park said. In actuality, the creatures are native to the horn of Africa. Researchers are bringing them into the lab at a rapid rate and trying to learn what makes the naked mole rat so durable and long-living. They're being used to study everything from aging to cancer to strokes. Nearly 1,500 naked mole rats are currently living at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, making it the largest colony in the U.S. At least a half-dozen other universities also have colonies to study the nearly blind, hairless rodents with their wrinkled skin, tiny legs and buck teeth. Average lab mice live about two years, so having naked mole rats and their potential to live for up to 30 years is a nice bonus. Better still, there bone quality doesn't start to diminish until they're about 24 years old. Their appearance belies all of these impressive facts, which you’ll know with one quick glance at a naked mole rat. They are small (several can fit into a palm) and it’s actually possible to see beneath their pinkish skin. Still, don’t underestimate their toughness. Whereas squirting lemon juice on an open wound would cause you or I to wince in pain, naked mole rats don't feel pain because they lack a neurotransmitter known as substance P. Because of this, they’ve become a key asset in the field of pain research. Park and fellow researcher John Larson will publish their findings in next month's journal NeuroReport. Their report will include the revelation that the brains of adult naked mole rats can withstand oxygen depravation for a half-hour or more, which could be extremely beneficial in stroke research. So the next time think of the goofy Rufus the naked mole rat of Kim Possible fame, now you’ll know that it’s not entirely fiction. Rufus and his fellow naked mole rats are much closer to superheroes than any of us could ever have imagined………

- Another weekend, another box office victory for The Twilight Saga: New Moon. You ladies out there just cannot get enough vampire lovin’ and so New Moon raked in $42.5 million over the three-day (Friday through Sunday) weekend, making it the top-grossing movie for the second straight weekend. That take brings its cumulative total to $230.7 million — the sixth highest of the year, just below Star Trek ($257.7 million). Coming in second was a superior movie to New Moon, the Sandra Bullock-led The Blind Side, with $40.1 million despite being a football-centric movie and trying to appeal to decidedly non-football fans. With a $100.3 million total so far, it’s Bullock’s second $100 million hit of the year after this summer’s The Proposal ($164 million). The third-place finisher was end-of-the-world “epic” 2012 with $18 million, proving once again that people would much rather watch a movie about their supposed fiery demise than be out living life to the fullest just in case that supposed demise comes to fruition. Finishing fourth was a true clunker, the Robin Williams-John Travolta “comedy” Old Dogs, with $16.8 million. I put the word comedy in quotes because just like the film it’s basically a rip-off/lame-tastic sequel of, Wild Hogs, this movie is as unfunny a comedy as you’ll ever find on a movie screen. However, Old Dogs has only made $24.1 million total so far and definitively hasn’t been able to draw in the same older, male demographic that drove Wild Hogs to a $39.7 million debut back in 2007. Disney’s A Christmas Carol, the animated holiday flick, was fifth with $16 million and now that Christmas is upon us, this is one film I would expect to receive a strong holiday bump to keep its earnings fairly steady. Up next was a film I saw a crapload of promotion for during a visit to New York a few weeks ago, Ninja Assassin (sixth place, $13.1 million). Meanwhile, George Clooney’s new animated project, Fantastic Mr. Fox, made $7 million . in its first wide-release weekend. Another limited-release film, The Road, grossed $1.5 million at 111 theaters. Overall, the box office raked in an all-time high of $278 million over the five-day weekend. With the holiday season now in full swing, go ahead and expect overall box office revenues to remain high for the remainder of the year, regardless of the actual quality of movies at your local multiplex…………

College football packs in the thrills, a special flight from Chicago to New York and wacky hijinks at the Colorado governor's mansion

2009-11-28T23:37:00.001-05:00

- If you were looking for one of college football’s top teams to be upset this weekend, you were looking in the wrong place. Third-ranked Texas already wrapped up an undefeated regular season Thursday by eking out a 49-39 win over lackluster in-state rival Texas A&M that was every bit as unimpressive as the score indicates. Sadly, Colt McCoy threw three touchdown passes and ran for 100-plus yards and another TD, which then provides false ammo for those who would argue that his season overall is good enough to win the Heisman. Likewise, No. 2 Alabama finished off a perfect regular season by furiously rallying from an early 14-0 deficit to archrival Auburn and winning with a last-minute touchdown, 26-21. That sends the Crimson Tide into the SEC championship game against similarly unbeaten Florida, which was the lone team among the top three to play today. Of course, the Gators had little more than a glorified scrimmage against a hapless Florida State team that provided a perfect summation of the case as to why coach Bobby Bowden should be fired/forced to resign after the season by laying down for a 37-10 beating. Tim Tebow had a nice, easy day in his final home game at The Swamp, throwing for three touchdowns and rushing for two more in a nice coronation to his time as the king of Gainesville. My favorite win came from No. 4 TCU, which curb-stomped an incompetent New Mexico team by a 51-10 count that barely begins to illustrate the distance between the two teams in terms of talent and quality. That gives TCU a 12-0 season and cements a BCS berth, but unless Nebraska can upset Texas in next Saturday’s Big 12 championship game, TCU has no hope of making it to the national championship game. That sucks because TCU is very much on the level of Texas and Alabama, yet they were never given a legitimate chance to make the title game. Another non-BCS qualifying conference leader, Boise State, saw its BCS hopes buoyed by a) beating Nevada 44-33 Friday night to clinch the WAC title and b) having No. 12 Oklahoma State, the Broncos’ top contender for an at-large BCS spot, fail to even show up for their rivalry game against Oklahoma. The Sooners crushed the Cowboys 27-0 as Oklahoma State turned in its worst offensive performance in a decade while representatives from the Sugar, Orange and Fiesta bowls looked on. That should hand Boise State a BCS berth, assuming they can beat hapless New Mexico State next week. Today was also coaching carnage day, with two Div. I coaches losing their jobs before the day’s action even kicked off and Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis preparing to take to the sidelines at Stanford in what was undoubtedly his final game as the head man for the Fighting Irish. Louisville fired head coach Steve Kragthorpe after he failed to live up to his reputation as an offensive genius and managed only a 15-21 record in three seasons at the helm. Likewise, the University of Akron canned J.D. Brookhart after he posted his fourth consecutive losing season in six years as head coach. As for Weis……he was going to be fired win or lose, so it was only fitting that the Irish came from ahead to lose 45-38 in a game that showed the one perpetual weakness that plagued Weis’ teams at Notre Dame every single year: a porous defense. Athletic director Jack Swarbrick pulled the plug on Weis’ planned West Coast recruiting trip, scheduled for next week, and told him prior to the game to come straight back to South Bend after the game. Weis knew he was done, we all knew he was done and watching him suffer on the sideline was not much fun. However, considering the smugness with which he treated everyone around him during his ND tenure, perhaps such a spectacle of suffering was in order. The most exciting game of the day took place in Moscow – Moscow, Idaho, that is. Utah State and Idaho staged a barn-burner that tallied 101 total points, 1,063 total yards of offense and thrills down to the last second. Utah State won 52-49, but it is Idaho that will be headed to a bowl game for the first time in forever after concluding a great 7-5 season. The scoring was nearly as plentiful in Houston, where the Houston Cougars were supposed to play the Rice Owls, except that no one told Rice about the game. Considering both teams are based in Houston, you’d think Rice would hear talk about the game at some point over the past week, but clearly not. If they had known, I’m sure they would have at least bothered to show up. As is, they were behind 59-0 at halftime, having surrendered 465 first-half yards to Houston. The final score was 73-14, but I’m assuming those were two pity touchdowns granted to Rice to make things more respectable. All in all, a great Saturday of college football and with only a handful of games left to play before bowl season, things are starting to fall into place………

- How about a good, uplifting story to brighten your weekend? No joke here, it’s actually a happy tale. A very special load of cargo arrived via plane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport Friday afternoon. On board were more than 50 dogs rescued from Missouri puppy mills, arriving in Long Island in the hope of finding loving homes. The flight was operated by Pet Airways, a non-profit organization that seeks to protect abused and neglected animals. The flight, dubbed "Operation Thanksgiving Day Flight to Freedom," (clearly Pet Airways is a very literal, unimaginative group), carried dogs ranging range in age from about four months to three years old from Chicago to New York, where they were taken to the North Shore Animal League in Port Washington and put up for adoption. "They're in great shape," said Dan Wiesel, founder of Pet Airways.. "They come from a traumatic experience. ... they don't know what's going on...but they've got 15 people hugging and kissing them." The trip to New York actually began on Thanksgiving Day, when the dogs were transported by bus to Chicago where they were given a rest break and fed special Thanksgiving meals. This particular group of dogs was rescued in large part because of an aggressive campaign launched last summer by the state of Missouri to probe and prosecute unlicensed dog breeders. The campaign paid off in September, when 100 dogs were reportedly removed from unlicensed puppy mill in mid-Missouri where they were living in filthy, unsavory conditions. Best Friends Animal Society partnered with Pet Airways to coordinate this week’s rescue mission and Wiesel said part of the airline's corporate responsibility is to find these pets new homes. "Whatever we can do to help with that cause is what we'll do," he said. See, I told you this was a good story and one that would brighten your weekend……..

- Beware world. The Chinese are looking to seize control of the space race and with more citizens to spare for the effort, let’s say that the odds aren’t exactly against everyone’s least-favorite Communists. The Chinese government announced Friday that it will launch a second lunar probe next October. The probe, named Chang'e-2, will orbit 60 miles closer to the moon than the nation's first probe, which launched in 2007. Chang-e-1 was an unmanned probe that conducted a 16-month mission before meeting its end when it struck the moon in a controlled crash in. Chang'e-2 marks the launch of the second phase of China's lunar exploration program. The third phase isn't schedule to commence until 2017, at which point China plans to send a spacecraft to collect samples on the moon. All of this comes on the heels of China becoming the third nation to put a person in orbit - astronaut Yang Liwei – when it followed the example of the United States and Russia. Yang was hailed as a national hero and five years later, Zhai Zhigang became the first Chinese to make a spacewalk. Now it’s impossible to say how successful these upcoming phases of the Chinese space program will be and if this is merely a front for China to find new markets for its toxic toys, toothpaste, food and drywall, but the point is that the space race has officially become a three-nation race and we here in the United States need to step our game up if we are going to remain the leaders in exploring outer space……..

- It’s official and although I might be the only person under the age of 50 who will admit this openly, I am pumped that group The Who will perform at the Super Bowl XLIV halftime show at Dolphins Stadium in Miami on Feb. 7. Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey, the band's only remaining original members, will lead what should be a great halftime show for those who actually like good rock music, good songwriting and musical performances that don’t hinge on freaks in butt-ugly leather and vinyl outfits dancing like there are having epileptic seizures (i.e. if Britney Spears were performing). There will undoubtedly be renditions of classic Who tunes like “Baby O’Reilly,” “My Generation,” “I Can See for Miles” and “Magic Bus.” What’s amusing to me is that a band that is legendary for its drugs, sex and booze, rock ‘n’ roll ways and a member (Townshend) who has been convicted on child pornography charges is viewed by many as a conservative choice for the NFL. While performing a canned, sterile set at the Super Bowl isn't exactly the same as being one of the legendary acts to take the stage at Woodstock in 1969, it should be an interesting experience for The Who. I’d definitely put it ahead of a lame-tastic “honor” like being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1990. Any time a hall of fame claims to have ties to rock and roll yet has the Mateiral Slut, Madonna, as one of its inductees, go ahead and assume that it has zero rock credibility. Needless to say, I’m much happier with this choice for halftime entertainment than with previous selections like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band, Prince, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson and Spears. Typically I use halftime as a chance to go to the bathroom, get some snacks and do anything but watch the halftime show, but this year I might find a few minutes to watch The Who……..

- I don’t know who was responsible for tee-peeing the Colorado governor’s mansion Wednesday night, I just know that it’s freaking hilarious. Gov. Bill Ritter and First Lady Jeannie Ritter awoke Thursday morning to a sight that most of us have seen at one time or another in our own yard: streams of toilet paper dangling from every tree, bush and piece of decoration in sight. "I still have two kids at home that are teenagers," the governor said. "It could well be that they have been honored with being teepeed. It's very likely it involves high school students but we won't mention what their party affiliation might be." That certainly seems like the most likely explanation, but I’m hoping like heck that it’s not true. What could be better? If some disgruntled Colorado resident, ideally from hours away, decided that the best way to make his or her voice heard and to let the governor know what a terrible job he was doing was to go out and buy several family-size packs of TP, drive to Colorado and spend a few tense moments throwing the rolls back and forth through the tree at the governor’s mansion, hoping not to get caught. No word on whether the vandals also snapped off plastic forks in the front lawn, put shaving cream on door handles around the exterior of the house and covered the lawn in confetti, but if not, there’s an idea for not time around. No one is certain if this is the first time that the governor's mansion has been teepeed in its 101-year history. "I've got way too many high school kids coming in and out of here to think this is a political statement," Jeannie Ritter said. "Actually, political statements are made with a different kind of paper." The home, officially known as the Governor's Residence at Boettcher Mansion, has been the personal residence of every Colorado First Family since the early 1960's. Should you be looking to follow suit and decorate the front lawn with some Charmin of your own, it’s located at the corner of Logan and East 8th Avenue in Denver. Do what you will with that information, just make it interesting………

Another product for China to corrupt, big news for space dorks and Live Nation looking to squeeze you for even more money

2009-11-27T23:20:00.000-05:00

- Oh good, another product for China to seize as a staple of its economy and ruin by ultimately finding a way to turn it into a toxic merchant of death. The next product to be corrupted by the world’s least-favorite Communists is none other than garlic. Demand for garlic is skyrocketing in China and according to statistics, the price of garlic in China has nearly quadrupled since March. Despite being one of the most pungent products known to man, garlic ranks ahead of gold and stocks as the country's best-performing asset this year. And why the hell is garlic so popular in China? Well, apparently some kooks there have gotten the idea that the potent bulb can ward off H1N1 swine flu. "I don't know about H1N1, but it can prevent ordinary colds," said Chinese resident Zhang Ping at a vegetable market in Beijing. "Take me. I've not had cold for many years and every year I buy several dozen pounds of garlic." I’m guessing that my man Z. Ping hasn’t gotten too much action in the love department of late, downing that much garlic. I also love the allegations that coal mine bosses are playing the garlic market, hoarding bulbs and hauling them between storehouses. Nothing like a nice conspiracy theory to liven up any story of a Communist country suddenly taking a liking to an odoriferous, noxious food seasoning. The demand for garlic is so steep in parts of Shandong province that the wholesale price of garlic is up as much as 40-fold. "Too much liquidity in any market can lead to speculation," analyst Jerry Lou. "The most recent evidence of asset speculation in China's commodity markets has been for garlic." It’s quite a reversal from last year, when garlic prices were extremely low. Many Chinese farmers decided that it was not worth planting the crop again, so when demand did increase this year, supply could not keep up with a pick-up in demand from home and abroad, sending prices sky-high. For those of you who are big into the seasoning-trading market and saw this one coming, props to you on the killing you are making on your garlic investments. For everyone else……based on our previous experience with toxic Chinese products – toothpaste, drywall, toys, etc. – let’s go ahead and meet our garlic demands with either good old-fashioned American garlic or at worst, Canadian garlic………

- Personally, I thought that Live Nation charged more than enough for its concerts to keep the company profitable and swimming in cash. Clearly, Live Nation does not agree. On Tuesday, the concert promoter announced a deal with Apple Inc's iTunes to feature downloads of some of the live concerts it promotes. The iTunes store will soon have a section featuring the concerts of about 20 artists. It’s not a great slection, to be honest, especially not when two of the artists to be included are Jesse McCartney and Ziggy Marley. But fear not, as Apple and Live Nation plan to add hundreds of more shows in the coming months. So perhaps you’re asking yourself, “Just how much do these two corporate giants plan to rip me off for?” I’m glad you asked. The answer is that prices will start at about $7.99, which I’m guessing will buy you the first half of your average Jesse McCartney concert. The concerts will mostly come from the more than 20,000 concerts Live Nation promotes each year. The Los Angeles-based company has inked licensing rights deals for live performances with major label owners and artists to enable a smooth launch of the service. Improved digital technology has made producing and distributing concert recordings online much easier and much cheaper. Financial terms of the new deal were not disclosed, but just assume that both Apple and Live Nation will be getting much, much richer by ripping you off at bloated prices and you won't be far off. Live Nation isn't exactly taking a huge risk with the endeavor as it is. The company already records most of the shows it produces, so they are merely making use of recordings that already exist and looking to turn an additional profit from concerts with ticket prices that are far too high to begin with. Ah, how I love the music business………

- The way the Notre Dame football team has been playing this season, someone clearly deserved to be punched in the face – just not quarterback Jimmy Clausen. Head coach Charlie Weis has surely deserved several well-placed jabs to the nose over the course of the year, but instead it was Clausen who was sporting a black eye after getting cold-cocked by a fan as he left C.J.'s Pub in South Bend at about 2 a.m. local time with his family and girlfriend after Notre Dame's 33-30 loss to UConn. Clausen’s group allegedly decided to leave the restaurant after words were exchanged with another party at the bar. Clausen's girlfriend realized she left her purse behind and behind the good boyfriend, he went back to retrieve it. That’s when the fan allegedly followed him back outside and sucker-punched him. Notre Dame officials have been adamant that Clausen did nothing wrong and as athletic director Jack Swarbrick insisted, Clausen was the "victim of a sucker punch. He was not engaged in a fight. He didn't throw any punches. He didn't directly engage the individual. He just got cold-cocked by somebody, and we're very disturbed by that." The police report backs up Swarbrick’s explanation that Clausen did not fight back and left. South Bend Police Capt. Phil Trent said police were called to the scene after receiving a report of a fight. By the time they arrived, everyone involved in the incident was gone. An employee at the bar confirmed that several Notre Dame upperclassmen were with Clausen at the bar Saturday and that off-duty South Bend police officers were working at the bar providing security, which is fairly common there. One thing Notre Dame fans might want to keep in mind is that punching guys in the face for no reason is not a good way to convince them to come back for their senior year when they are likely to be a top 10 pick in the NFL draft. Clausen is just that and I have to imagine that when it comes time to make his decision, he isn't going to think, “Man, I was undecided about what to do, but if random idiots are going to punch me in the face for no reason, I’m definitely coming back for my senior season!” I can’t say for sure what precipitated the punch, but reports that Clausen's family had sold its South Bend home certainly won't make angry fans less likely to bruise his face with their fists. Because of the black eye, Clausen has been sporting a black visor in the front of his helmet this week in practice, a wardrobe choice that Weis has previously not allowed his players to make. Just to be clear from here on out, Notre Dame fans, if you are going to unjustifiably punch someone in the face because of your team’s poor performance, make it Charlie Weis and leave Jimmy Clausen alone………..

- Who else is already tired of hearing about Michaele and Tareq Salahi? If the names are unfamiliar to you, the story is not. They are the two aspiring reality TV losers who crashed a White House this week. There is outrage at the Secret Service allowing two yahoos who were actually invited to a state dinner to attend. It’s not even true that the Salahis weren’t any more of a threat to President Obama than any of the other guests because they had to go through security just like everyone else, because they still could have a) been carrying some sort of toxin or poison or b) been scoping out the building and passing the information on to people with more sinister intentions. The reality is that they were not on the guest list and somehow managed to Jedi mind-trick the Secret Service into letting them in. Edward Donovan, a Secret Service spokesman, acknowledged the officers at the checkpoint involved in clearance for the state dinner for visiting Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh did not follow proper procedure when the Salahis arrived and it was determined they had not been invited. No one is saying why the White House social office, which has in-depth knowledge of all guests for such events, wasn’t called to the gate when it was determined that the Salahis weren’t on the guest list. As we’ve all become painfully aware, these ass hats actually met the president and got a little bit of face time with him. My true beef here is not with the lack of security at a major White House event; I’ve got issues with the role of reality TV in this debacle. Apparently the Bravo network is intent on dropping a show about past-their-prime, skanky cougars who drive expensive cars, live in lavish homes and have less class, dignity and self-respect than the buffet at a strip club into every city in the country. They’ve already touched up Los Angeles, Atlanta and New York. Now, they are bringing this train wreck to our nation’s capital and the Salahis are reportedly being considered for "Real Housewives of D.C.” These clowns even bragged about their success on their Facebook page. "Honored to be at the White House for the state dinner in honor of India with President Obama and our First Lady!" they wrote. See what reality TV does to our culture? It makes ass hats like the Salahis think that they are important, relevant and valued in our society. They get the mistaken impression that we give a rat’s ass about them and are fascinated by their ridiculous act. Bad news for you, Michaele and Tareq Salahi: You are not important, interesting or relevant. No one cares about you and our only interest in regards to your sorry asses is in mocking you incessantly………

- Here you go, space dorks. In what surely is a big development for you, scientists at NASA have discovered a nearly invisible ring around Saturn, large enough that it would take 1 billion Earths to fill it. Its orbit tilts tilted 27 degrees from the planet's main ring plane. The ring is extremely large, with its diameter is equivalent to 300 Saturns lined up side to side. Most of the ring starts about 3.7 million miles away from the planet and extends outward another 7.4 million miles. One of Saturn's moons, Phoebe, orbits within the ring. “This is one supersized ring," said Anne Verbiscer, an astronomer at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. The obvious question is why it took so long to discover something so large and oddly enough, there is actually a perfectly reasonable explanation for it. The ring is made up of ice and dust particles that are so far apart that "if you were to stand in the ring, you wouldn't even know it," Verbiscer said in a statement. Plus, very little sunlight makes it out to Saturn, so there isn't much for the ice and dust particles to reflect. However, the cool dust (minus 316 degrees Fahrenheit) -- glows with thermal radiation and NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope picked up on the heat. The ring orbits in the opposite direction to Iapetus, another of Saturn's moons. I don’t expect this discovery to drum up as much interest and debate among space dorks as when it was decided that Pluto was no longer considered a planet, but I’m always happy to brighten the day of science and space dorks around the world any time a get a chance. So as I said previously, you’re welcome, space dorks………

Why I'm glad to see AI retire, Riot Watch! in Nicaragua and I have some rare theater insights

2009-11-26T16:01:00.002-05:00

- Oh well. Some analysts and fans might be lamenting the decision of Allen Iverson to retire from the NBA, but not me. After the story broke late in the day Wednesday, I could not have been happier. This isn't to discount Iverson’s immense talents or the remarkable career he had. The guy was 6’0 standing on his tip-toes, yet his toughness, grit and heart of a lion made him an exciting, inspiring player and scoring champion. He was a mixture of street and heart, a guy who has done a lot of charitable work but always had that ghetto edge to him, so to speak. AI is best known for his “We talkin’ about practice” rant in which he railed against having to show up for practice and put in actual effort to be a team leader. His problems have come in the latter years of his career as his questionable attitude and diminishing skills have been contrasted against an absolute unwillingness to be anything but a starter and leading scorer for a team. After he was traded from Denver to Detroit last season and asked to come off the bench, AI reacted so poorly that he was ultimately asked to stay away from the team entirely while the Pistons made up a bogus back injury to justify his absence. He couldn’t stomach the idea that a team was better off with him coming off the bench and that inability or unwillingness to subjugate his own ego for the betterment of the team led to his being let go by the Pistons in the offseason and several months floating in basketball oblivion while zero teams lined up to sign him. In the end, Memphis bit the bullet and inked AI to a one-year deal in a futile attempt to sell tickets and merchandise for their perpetually terrible team. That attempt failed miserably and AI once again was a malcontent when asked to come off the bench. The Grizzlies released him after three games and after a brief flirtation with the New York Knicks that ended with the team electing not to sign Iverson because he didn’t fit into their rebuilding plans (ya think?), AI pulled the plug on his career. He issued a statement saying in part, "I feel strongly that I can still compete at the highest level." The statement also said Iverson has tremendous love for the game and the desire to play. Yes, AI, you do – as a BACKUP. You are no longer a viable starter, no longer the 10-time All-Star and scoring champion you once were. Just because you have a career average of 27.1 points, fifth all time in the NBA, doesn’t mean you can still perform at that level. "I always thought that when I left the game, it would be because I couldn't help my team the way that I was accustomed to," AI’s statement read. "However, that is not the case." True or not, the bottom line is that the blame for this possibly premature ending rests almost entirely with Allen Iverson and his absolute inability to accept his changing place in the world of basketball. If he were able to adjust to not being a high-scoring starter and embrace the idea of being instant offense off the bench, he would undoubtedly find a home and might still have a shot at that NBA title he has never won………

- What’s the price of having a year of your life wrongfully ripped from you by the legal system? For Ozem Goldwire of Brooklyn, that price is $340,000. That’s the amount the City of New York has agreed to pay Goldwire after he spent a year in jail for a crime he didn't commit. Goldwire, who is autistic, was sent to jail on charges that he murdered his sister in 2006. While no immediate explanation was given for how prosecutors ultimately decided Goldwire was innocent and that he should be released, it truly is secondary to having justice served. The judge presiding over the case described the circumstances as "the perfect storm for false confession," which I would have to concur with. Police had an easy mark: an autistic guy whom they could bully, intimidate and coerce. Goldwire’s attorneys argued that authorities pressured him into making a false confession after screaming, cursing and shoving him repeatedly. Additionally, he was accused of having sex with his sister. New York police detectives Nancy Malota, Christopher Scandole and Matthew Collin admit to no wrongdoing in the settlement, which is standard in these sorts of deals. No one, be it a civil case or criminal case, ever admits to having done anything wrong even as they are paying massive sums of money to settle the case. If you did nothing wrong, why are you paying so much as a dime? Attorney Gerald Allen - who filed suit against the city on behalf of Goldwire – called his client's imprisonment "a terrible, terrible injustice." What is certain is that Goldwire’s release does not come as a result of the real murderer (no, not the one O.J. Simpson is still looking for) being found. The murder of Goldwire’s sister remains unsolved. The lesson from this case is that as much as we would all like to believe that shady police work and interrogation techniques are no longer prevalent in the world, there are still detectives like Malota, Scandole and Collin, who will grill an autistic man for 21 hours in connection with the murder of his sister and tell him he won't be released until he confesses to the crime. Always good to have my faith in something – anything – reaffirmed in such an emphatic manner, detectives…………

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! It has been far too long, Nicaragua, so I could not be happier to be back talking about angry social dissidents taking it to the streets in your capital of Managua. Seeing tens of thousands of people out in the streets of Managua making their voice heard was a freaking inspiration. "The only way for the government to change, as it has been shown in all these years, is for the people to go to the streets," said Dora Maria Tellez, a wise woman who was a main figure in President Daniel Ortega's government during the 1980s but who now leads an opposition party. "There is no other way," she said at the protests. The one downside of the protests is that they were mostly peaceful – that’s a disappointment. The majority of the protestors were expressing general outrage against their government, especially against Ortega's bid for re-election and the anniversary of last year's municipal elections, which the president's leftist Sandinista National Liberation Front party overwhelmingly won amid rampant allegations of fraud. The election saw the Sandinista party win mayoral races in 94 municipalities, but voting irregularities abounded even as the government refused to allow foreign and local monitors to do their jobs. The results were extremely delayed and there were major discrepancies between results certified by election officials and the tallies released on television. Additional fuel was added to the anti-government fire on October 19, when the country's supreme court lifted a constitutional ban on consecutive presidential terms, clearing the way for Ortega to run in 2011. The United States did its part to fan the flames last month when the State Department issued in a statement saying that it was concerned about the "manner in which the Constitutional Chamber of the Nicaraguan Supreme Court reached a decision on October 19 regarding re-election for Nicaraguan officials, including the President." Ortega’s supporters are attempting to argue that the government is acting on behalf of the people. That’s a nice sentiment, even if it is a total lie. Were it true, that would be sweet, but of course we all know that it’s 100 percent false. Because it’s clearly a lie, I am going to encourage the thousands of proud Nicaraguans who demonstrated on Saturday to continue taking it to the streets and next time out, let’s try to burn a few vehicles, overturn some police cars and do some substantial damaging of property………

- Happy Thanksgiving to Greg and Diane Horoski of East Patchogue, N.Y. The holiday is an especially meaningful one for the Horoski family after a Suffolk County judge wiped out the $525,000 that the Horoski’s supposedly owed OneWest Bank. Judge Jeffrey Spinner brought a decisive end to a mortgage battle in which the Horoski’s fell behind on their mortgage payments because of health problems and an interest rate change. They claimed in court that they tried repeatedly to restructure their loan, but that the bank would not cooperate. Instead, they received a foreclosure note from the bank. Not willing to lose their home without a fight, Greg and Diane Horoski went to court and found a sympathetic ear in Judge Spinner, who referred to the bank's actions as "harsh, repugnant, shocking and repulsive." He freed the Horoski's of $291,000 in principal and $235,000 in interest and penalties, but Spinner’s main focus appeared to be tearing the bank a new one for refusing to work with the couple in their attempts to refinance. In his ruling, the judge stated that said the bank "must be appropriately sanctioned so as to deter it from imposing further mortifying abuse." As you would expect, the bank issued a terse and pithy reply to the verdict, saying, "We respectfully disagree with the lower court's unprecedented ruling and we expect that it will be overturned on appeal." In other words, we’re still hopeful that we will have a chance to absolutely dick over this family and throw them out of their home, preferably the day before Christmas so as to inflict maximum pain, suffering and emotional distress. Of course, OneWest may have had a better chance to win the case had they not misled the judge about the dollar amounts at stake in the case, which Spinner claims they did. Lying to the judge is generally not a sound legal strategy, OneWest bank attorneys. I wish I could say better luck to you next time around, but I’m not in the habit of saying things I clearly don’t mean………

- For those of you who have been wondering why I never write about theater-related topics in this space (mostly because I have zero interest in it), here you go. If you have been wanting to see the popular play Superior Donuts, a Broadway comedy by Pulitzer-winning playwright Tracy Letts, now would be a great time to do so. The show’s producers announced that it will close on Jan. 3, meaning you have just over a month to get to Broadway’s Music Box Theatre for a performance. that’s where Super Donuts opened in new York on Sept. 30 after originating at Chicago’s famed Steppenwolf. Oddly enough, the show is actually about exactly what its title implies: doughnuts. It stars Spinal Tap veteran Michael McKean as the hippie proprietor of a decrepit doughnut shop in uptown Chicago. Reviews have been strong so far, although I’m trusting entirely in the opinions of those who actually know something about the theater on this one because as previously stated, I know nothing about the theater and have no interest in learning, as my general belief is that people do not typically break out into song or use song as their primary means of everyday communication, thus rendering musicals completely unrealistic and uninteresting………

Crusading against toxic Chinese drywall, idiot basketball fans get new ammo and I am further let down by American music fans

2009-11-26T13:32:00.002-05:00

- Booyah! It’s time for us to take another run at China and I could not be more thrilled. The crusade against toxic Chinese-made products is nothing new, nor is the fight against deadly Chinese drywall. We’ve traveled this road before, but the difference now is that our own government is stepping up to vouch for the link between Chinese drywall and toxic effects reported by thousands of U.S. homeowners. That case was strengthened Monday by three preliminary reports issued by the federal government. One of the studies examined air sampled inside dozens of homes containing drywall made in China. "While the study of 51 homes detected hydrogen sulfide and formaldehyde ... at concentrations below irritant levels, it is possible that the additive or synergistic effects of these and other compounds in the subject homes could cause irritant effects," the Consumer Product Safety Commission said in its executive summary of the study. Not exactly the slam-dunk condemnation I was looking for, but I’ll take it. The other two studies found copper, which was imported from 2005 through 2007. A series of hurricanes slammed the southern portion of the country and building materials were in short supply. The toxic drywall has generated nearly 2,100 reports from 32 states -- mostly from Florida, Louisiana and Virginia -- of homeowners complaining of a rotten-egg smell, sickness, failed appliances, and corroded wires and pipes. The smell and decay have been so bad that many homeowners have moved out of their homes. In these studies, air quality from inside 10 homes in the same geographical areas whose homeowners had not complained were compared with those who had and the result was that in the 41 homes containing the problem drywall, there was a "strong association" between the high levels of hydrogen sulfide and the corrosion of the metals.” The report also stated that although the study was “not intended to examine health effects, we can say that the levels of the pollutants we found, particularly the hydrogen sulfide and formaldehyde, could possibly contribute to some of the health problems that have been reported to the CPSC.” Now, the CPSC must find a way to determine which homes have the toxic drywall and figure out how to fix them. Another aspect of the problem is disposing of hundreds of thousands of suspect boards that have been stockpiled in warehouses. Their owners have been told it will not be sold, but now the question of what to do with the boards persists. Additionally, CPSC representatives traveled to China several weeks ago to visit mines, factories and government officials to determine the scope of the problem. Just to be safe, let’s go ahead and assume that every product coming from China, drywall or otherwise, is somehow toxic and dangerous, k…………

- This is not a good thing. One of the banes of my sports existence is sycophantic, idiot fans who vehemently believe that the refs are out to get their team, that they are getting the short end of every foul or penalty call and that their team is getting screwed out of a win by the officials. A big “thanks for nothing” goes out to David Pierce of Ball State and Kyle Anderson, a visiting professor at Indiana University's Kelley School of Business, two tools from academia who released the results of a study this week showing that college basketball referees are biased in favor of home teams. The study supposedly looked at 365 college games during the 2004-05 season and found that referees are big on "make-up" calls, they make more calls against teams in the lead - especially if the game is on national TV - and they have a noticeable tendency for keeping the foul count even. A prime example cited by the study is the 2005 Final Four meeting between Illinois and Louisville. The Illini were whistled for the first seven fouls but by the end of the game, the foul count was Louisville 13, Illinois 12 and the Illini won 72-57. Nearly every major conference was included in the study, as were all 63 NCAA tournament games. Based on the results, coaches would seem to be well-advised to encourage their team to be as physical as possible because in the end, officials will (allegedly) find a way to even things out. "Part of the reason for the study came from something my coach used to tell me," Anderson. "He said a team can come in and push and shove and grab and hold, and by the end of the game, or end of the half, they've only got one or two more fouls because officials kind of get tired of calling it." Findings from the study were published in The Journal of Sports Sciences earlier this year, with the noteworthy points:

• The probability of a foul being called on the visiting team was 7 percent higher than on the home team.

• When the home team is leading, the probability of the next foul being called on them was about 6.3 percentage points higher than when the home team was trailing. The professors also cited an earlier study that concluded there were more calls against teams ahead in games on national TV versus those ahead in locally televised games. Calling fouls against the leading team tends to keep games closer, the studies said.

• The bigger the difference in fouls between the two teams playing, the more likely it was that the next call would come against the team with fewer fouls.

When asked about the findings, one retired official didn’t exactly debunk the theory that officials are less than impartial. "There's something to it," said Irv Brown, a former official who worked six Final Fours and was supervisor of officials for the Western Athletic and Big Sky conferences. "If you're looking at the board and one team has a lot more fouls, you probably look a little harder to do something, subconsciously." However, Anderson did speak with many referees as part of his research and according to him, the majority said "you're crazy. We don't do this." The only consolation for officials in this mess is that Anderson and Pierce made a point of saying that the tendencies they describe are not intentional. They are subconscious and not purposeful attempts to influence the game. Yeah, thanks for that. Fans who glom onto this study and use it to feed their erroneous beliefs about their team getting screwed by the refs don’t care whether it’s conscious or not………

- Are you freaking kidding me, America? My expectations for the type of music you all will embrace have been significantly lowered the past few years based on the fact that so many of you are musical morons who will embrace damn near anything if a record label will put it out and tell you it’s good. However, the news I’m about to share astounds and disappoints me even with those lowered expectations. The freak show that is Susan Boyle – she of the some lame-tastic reality karaoke show I don’t know – has released her album "I Dreamed A Dream" and music retailers are reporting that the album is already exceeding expectations both in stores and online. In fact, Boyle is poised to deliver a beatdown to this year's top debut-week seller, Eminem's "Relapse." Yes, some FAT karaoke singer from abroad is poised to knock off one of the best in the hip-hop game in his own country. Eminem’s album sold 608,000 units in the week ending May 24, which also represents the best overall sales week for an album this year. The possibility that Boyle’s crap-tastic karaoke collection could out-sell that number is disappointing at best and offensive at worst. The only thing that could make is any worse is…..yup, the news that another karaoke-er, former American Karaoke contestant and Liberace in training Adam Lambert’s "For Your Entertainment" is also outperforming sales expectations and is projected to move about 225,000 units in its first week. Never has an album title been so inappropriate, because I am damn sure that there is nothing entertaining about what has to be one of the worst albums in this or any year. Pop music sucks and few people embody that more than Boyle and Lambert…..unless, of course, it’s that costumed freak Lady Gaga. Her current triad of crappy pop music projects - "The Fame Monster" deluxe edition, "The Fame" original version, and "The Fame Monster" EP - could sell as many as 350,000 units by week’s end. Taken together, these three pieces of musical news are as disappointing as any I’ve heard in a long time and are nearly enough to ruin my Thanksgiving. But I can look at great recent releases by bands like Jet, the Elms, Mute Math, Switchfoot, the Mountain Goats, Jay-Z and Phillip LaRue………

- Prepare for a rare sight, New Zealand. The Kiwis could soon be seeing the first of more than 100 icebergs that were first spotted off the coast of Macquarie Island, an Australian territory around 900 miles south east of Tasmania, visitors from Antarctica that are extremely rare. The first of the icebergs are now thought to be only 200 miles away from New Zealand's south coast. It’s only the second time in 78 years that large Antarctic icebergs have been sighted so far north, with the previous occurrence coming in late 2006 when icebergs could be seen from the eastern coast of New Zealand's South Island. The National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research (NIWA – not legendary rappers NWA, sadly) is tracking the icebergs by satellite and reports that the largest one is thought to be 1,640 feet wide, 164 feet tall and with a total thickness of 1,148 feet. In total, there are an estimated 100 main icebergs heading for New Zealand and possibly hundreds of smaller ones that could form around them as they break up. As passengers on the Titanic found out the hard way, only around 10 percent of an iceberg is visible above the water level, thus the danger to watercraft. Maritime New Zealand has already issued an alert to shipping in the area, alerting the many deep-sea fishing fleets, cruise ships and cargo freighters that regularly travel in the area. "While the size of the icebergs has attracted a lot of attention, it is not unusual for icebergs to be found in these waters," a spokesperson for Maritime New Zealand explained. The current crop of icebergs are believed to have come off the Ross Ice shelf between 2000 and 2002, the same period that produced the 2006 icebergs. So why are these icebergs just now making their way north? One theory is that a cold snap a few years ago in Antarctica that caused more ice than usual and the outer regions of that ice snap off each summer. The other obvious idea would be to blame it on global warming, which is apparently the cause of every environmental problem these days. Either way, the NIWA estimates that the bigger icebergs will last between six and eight weeks depending on where they go, but will ultimately melt in the warmer waters around New Zealand. Should you be boating off the south coast of New Zealand in the next few weeks, keep this in mind and take the necessary precautions……….

- Score another one for oppression in China. Huang Qi, a Chinese blogger who had the audacity to help victims of a devastating earthquake has been sentenced to three years in prison, the maximum sentence for "illegally holding secret state documents." His attorney, Mo Shaoping, confirmed the sentence, which came even after the U.S. State Department protested the Huang’s jailing, saying his activities support China's efforts to institute the rule of law. Huang was initially detained in June 2008 after working to help families of children killed in the May 12, 2008, Sichuan earthquake. His crime, it seems, was founding and operating f the human rights Web site 64Tianwang, on which he posted articles criticizing the way the earthquake relief was being organized. "The reports we are seeing are biased," he wrote on May 20, 2008. "In reality, it is very difficult for NGOs to deliver food aid. They are obliged to go through government channels. The government is using its propaganda to portray itself as a savior to little avail. Few citizens trust the government because of the corruptions scandals that already occurred during similar disasters in the past." How are he write such heinous lies, right? The Communist a-holes running the Chinese government charged him with illegal possession of state secrets after posting the appeals and complaints of the families. Officials said they found two municipal documents in his house, which is a dubious claim at best from this regime. Huang’s sham of a trial took place secretly in August, despite the vociferous objections of Amnesty International. This is not his first stint in prison, as Huang previously spent five years in prison following a June 2000 arrest on the eve of the 11th anniversary of the bloody crackdown on demonstrators in Tinananmen Square. In that incident, he was charged with subversion for posting articles about the incident by exiled dissidents on his Web site. For what it’s worth (nothing), Huang plans to appeal the sentencing by the Chengdu Wuhou District Court, Mo said. Assuming that the bogus case against him is upheld by The Man, he is scheduled to be released in June 2011, three years after authorities arrested him. Thanks for showing that your constant oppression and unfairness is something we can always count on, Chinese government………

Sarcastic praise for the Sri Lankan government, the latest Denver Broncos collapse and why Facebook is still a dangerous weapon for morons

2009-11-24T20:21:00.000-05:00

- Big ups to you, Sri Lankan government. You finally got around to lifting restrictions on thousands of war-displaced ethnic Tamils still residing in squalid internment camps, good for you. That’s the sort of thing you should really make a point of addressing much more quickly than the tools running Sri Lanka did. When more than 300,000 people are displaced by fighting between the government and a rebel group (in this case, the Tamil Tiger rebels) and shuffled off to a heavily guarded, rural camp called Menik Farm near the northern town of Vavuniya, it’s generally best not to let them just waste away there. Conditions at the camp are reportedly abysmal at best, with some residents known to live in tents no larger than 8 square feet, sheltered from the elements only by plastic sheeting. Observers have labeled the conditions overcrowded and inhumane and suggested that the government's treatment of the Tamil people is akin to unspoken retribution. Nearly 60 percent of the refugees will either be released in the next few days or have already been set free. The remaining 130,000 will be free to leave on December 1, with the government promising to resettle the refugees by the end of January. The United Nations and other human rights groups of complained that the Tamils, who comprise about 13 percent of Sri Lanka's 20.5 million people, are being forcibly held at the camp in the aforementioned terrible conditions without justification. The government would have everyone believe that they are better off in the camp because many of them are from the Wanni region, which was heavily mined during the war and is still being cleared. Government officials are also trying to justify their actions by throwing out a ridiculous theory that the camp’s residents must be carefully screened before release to ensure that rebels were not hiding among them. News of the prisoner release (and make no mistake, these people are prisoners) not-so-coincidentally came just one day before the president is scheduled to issue a proclamation calling for new elections. President Mahinda Rajapaksa won the 2005 presidential election after Tamil rebels forbade voters in their areas to cast ballots in an election. If they are allowed to vote this time around, you can bet that the Tamil people could carry significant influence on the election’s outcome. I just have a hard time seeing these people voting for the current government after its shameful treatment of them, which is probably a good thing…………

- You’re not helping America’s cokeheads, Drug Enforcement Administration, you’re hurting them and you shouldn’t be arresting more than a dozen members of one of Mexico’s most notorious drug cartels, man. After these hard-working cartel members went to tall the effort to set up up a cocaine "command and control" center in Chicago, the DEA decided that they would look to shoot those efforts to hell by securing indictments against these 15 entrepreneurs and looking to shut down their operation. Friday a federal grand jury in Chicago issued indictments for 15 defendants, alleging that they are in business with La Familia Michoacana. This supposed operation was to distribute multi-thousand kilo quantities for the cartel and collect tens of millions of dollars in Chicago from cocaine sales. According to officials from the U.S. Attorney's office in Chicago, the DEA seized approximately 250 kilograms of cocaine and $8 million in cash from homes in suburban neighborhoods, including Berwyn, Bolingbrook, Oak Lawn, Hickory Hills, Joliet and Justice. The multi-agency investigation that led to these indictments began in 2007 under the heading of Project Coronado. Its singular focus was La Familia's distribution network throughout the United States. just last month, Project Coronado resulted in federal charges against more than 300 defendants in 19 states. For the drug-cartel uneducated, the La Familia cartel is based in the state of Michoacan, in southwestern Mexico. The cartel is accused of importing mass quantities of cocaine from Mexico into the United States, supplying the wants of friendly neighborhood cokeheads around the U.S. All 15 of the defendants indicted and charged by the grand jury face charges of conspiracy to possess and distribute multi-kilogram quantities of cocaine. Five other alleged participants in the conspiracy were charged previously, so the total number of (alleged) cartel members facing criminal charges now rests at 20. What does this mean for the average, recession-impacted cokehead on the street? That’s difficult to say, but I’m certain that this isn't going to bring down the price of an eight-ball of coke or a dime bag……….

- Here we go, yet more proof that Facebook is a freaking weapon of death in the hands of idiots who don’t know how to properly use it. Meet Nathalie Blanchard, a Canadian woman on long-term sick leave for depression who lost her benefits because her insurance agent found photos of her on Facebook in which she appeared to be having fun. Blanchard, who lives in Bromont, Quebec, was diagnosed with major depression and was receiving monthly sick-leave benefits from insurance giant Manulife while on leave from IBM. For some odd reason, her insurance agent was able to access her Facebook page and found several pictures Blanchard posted on Facebook, including ones showing her having a good time at a Chippendales bar show, at her birthday party and on a sun holiday. Let me stop right here, because this is what I’m referring to when I speak about idiots who don’t know how to use Facebook. One of two things happened here: 1) Blanchard made the indefensible choice of having her insurance agent as a friend on Facebook or 2) she’s a tool who doenst know how to set the security controls on her Facebook account in order to prevent anyone but her friends from looking at her pictures and videos. The first option is terrible because who the hell is Facebook friends with their insurance agent? Are insurance agents the sort of people you regularly hang out with, play beer pong with, go golfing with or watch football with on Sunday afternoons? Don’t freaking friend your insurance agent on Facebook, y’all. Now, if the second option is what happened (and I’d say it’s more likely), then Blanchard is simply a moron who deserves whatever she gets. In case anyone doesn’t know, it’s very easy to set the privacy controls on your Facebook account to prevent anyone but your friends from viewing your Facebook page, pictures, videos and information. Literally, it takes less than a minute and it can prevent things like losing your insurance benefits because you’re supposedly suffering from depression and were photographed at a Chippendales show at a local bar. You can go to those sorts of events, just make sure that you aren’t photographed or that the pictures don’t show up on a Facebook page where anyone can find them. Insurance companies are looking for any and every chance to deny coverage and rip your benefits, so if they have to go on social networking sites to find the proof they need, they will do it. That’s how Manulife was able to rip Blanchard’s benefits, with payments stopping this fall. When she called Manulife, Blanchard says she was told she was available to work because of Facebook. She has retained an attorney and that attorney is arguing that Blanchard merely followed her doctor’s advice to try to have fun, including nights out at her local bar with friends and short getaways to sun destinations, as a way to forget her problems. To be fair to Manulife, the company claims it would never deny or terminate a claim solely based on information published on Web sites such as Facebook. This is a situation where there are no real winners; Blanchard is a brain-dead idiot who is either careless or clueless and thus totally unsympathetic and Manulife is simply another corporate giant looking to pad its bottom line by any means possible………

- Here it is, everyone! The “must have” Christmas item that you can wait in line hours on end for, brawl with other shoppers over and possibly go to jail for after you violently assault another parent for the last one on the shelf on Christmas Eve. It’s the Zhu Zhu Peta fuzzy, robotic hamster that have been selling out across the country just as quickly as stores can stock them. Shoppers looking for the furry robots at the Times Square Toys R Us in Manhattan on a recent Wednesday found the shelves devoid of Zhu Zhu Pets and were informed that the store would have no more until the next shipment arrived Friday. Wal-Mart and Target stores across the country are also sold out of the toys and the National Retail Federation recently listed Zhu Zhu among the top 10 holiday toys. Of course, some shoppers are undoubtedly buying the toys for the purpose of reselling them on eBay for prices as high as $100. The company behind the mechanized rodents is Cepia, a small, St. Louis-based founded by Russell Hornsby, 56, who got his start in the toy industry as a designer for Mattel 35 years ago. His inspiration for the toys was apparently watching hundreds of hours of video of live hamsters on YouTube. Should you be able to find one on the shelves of a local toy store, the cost is a mere $9.99 apiece. The Zhu Zhu Pets even have names, albeit idiotic names like Mr. Squiggles and Pipsqueak. They wiggle their noses and actually move just like real hamsters, which is facilitated by molded plastic -- called bump codes – that line the underside of each hamster to prevent the furry creatures from repeating the same moves over and over again. "What makes them so great is that they are unpredictable," says Hornsby’s daughter Natalie, who heads Cepia's marketing department. In spite of their current run of success, Russell Hornsby had an incredibly difficult fight convincing any toy retailers to sell them in stores. After creating his first prototype in early 2008, he wasn’t able to find a taker until a couple months ago, when he convinced Toys R Us to test-market Zhu in a handful of Phoenix stores. All the Zhu Zhus sold out in two weeks, spurring the Toys R Us to order as many Zhu Zhu Pets as Hornsby could churn out. That turned out to be both a blessing and an immense challenge for Hornsby, who was forced to hit up family members, including his oldest daughter and wife, to raise more money so he could produce enough Zhu Zhu Pets to satisfy demand. Now, Cepia has 16 employees and expects to sell as many as 10 million hamsters this year. A little something to remember as you wait in line for one on Black Friday and prepare to brawl with other shoppers over the last Mr. Squiggles……….

- Two words for you, Denver Broncos fans, on your team’s annual collapse that has manifested itself much earlier than normal this season: Uh-oh! At least last year, the Broncos gave the illusion that they would make the playoffs and possibly even win their division right up until the final weeks of the season. This year, they are foregoing ripping out their fans’ hearts with a late-season choke job and instead frittering away a seemingly insurmountable division lead in the AFC West before the calendar even hits December. After firing out of the gate 6-0, beating four playoff teams and stunning everyone around the NFL, the Broncos have summarily dropped four in a row, including a 32-3 pummeling Sunday at home to AFC West rival San Diego that handed control of the division to the Chargers. All four of the losses have been by double digits, with the average margin of defeat a meaty 20 points. A defense that was incredibly stout in the first six games has given up at least 27 points per game the last four weeks, while the offense has been plagued by the injury problems of quarterback Kyle Orton, Orton’s noodle arm that prevents him from throwing downfield too much and a suddenly shrinking running game. They’ve lost at home (twice) and they’ve lost on the road (twice). Sadly, many observers and fans never bought into the new-look Broncos and were merely biding time, waiting for this collapse. Most in the football world never got a chance to enjoy the possible reinvention of the team because they had ample evidence that it wouldn’t last. Those doomsday predictions have proven true and now that they are a game behind the Chargers in the division and in a crowded wild-card battle with a slew of other teams, the season could well be a lost cause in Denver. There may be a new coach (the previously crowned genius, Josh McDaniels), a new quarterback (Orton in lieu of the departed Jay Cutler) and a roster with dozens of new faces, but to everyone who even casually follows football, they are, at the core, the same old Broncos………

Inevitable movie news, basketball with a smattering of racist commentary and a Heroes recap

2009-11-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

- That was the sound of inevitability and it sounded an awful lot like a cheesy vampire romance movie that drew in female moviegoers by the droves and won the weekend box office race with grossed an astounding $140.7 million. The Twilight Saga: New Moon was the expected champion at the box office this weekend and the movie delivered, exceeding even the loftiest expectations en route to the biggest autumn opening weekend in history and the third biggest three-day debut ever. The teen vampire-romance triangle still trails The Dark Knight ($158.4 million) and Spider-Man 3 ($151.1 million) for the biggest opening day weekend, but that’s good company to be in. The massive take more than doubled the opening weekend of the first movie in the Twilight series, a paltry tally of $69.6 million. Not surprisingly, 80 percent of New Moon tickets went to women. The age demographics were evenly balanced, so we can’t mock one particular age group over another for forking over $10 bucks for such a corny, cheesy movie. A movie I liked a whole lot more, the Sandra Bullock-led The Blind Side, brought in an estimated $34.5 million for second place. It’s the best opening gross of Bullock’s career, fueled by an audience that was 59 percent female – curious for a movie whose main premise is football. The third-place finisher was the end-of-the-world flick 2012, which dropped 59 percent on its second weekend, taking in $26.5 million for $108.2 million total thus far. The weekend was not so kind to was the animated sci-fi comedy Planet 51, which flopped in its opening weekend and finished with just $12.6 million for fourth place. Rounding out the top five was Disney’s A Christmas Carol continued to hold on strong, which held strong and dropped only 45 percent for $12.2 million and $79.8 million total. The sixth-place finisher, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire, continued to be a sensation by pulling in $11 million for sixth place on just 629 screens. In only three weeks of limited release, Precious has grossed $21.4 million and plenty of Oscar buzz. Another film in limited release, Nicolas Cage’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, opened in 27 theaters to a $9,519 per theater average. Overall, box office earnings were significantly higher than the same weekend last year, 59 percent higher (that’s Willie Nelson high, y’all). So clearly a lot of people are heading to the movies and ask Thanksgiving weekend tends to be a boom weekend at the local multiplex, expect similarly elevated figures next weekend as well……….

- Who doesn’t like their NBA television broadcast with a dash of blatant racism? For viewers of the Los Angeles Clippers’ game against the Denver Nuggets at Staples Center Friday, the broadcast on Fox Sports Prime Ticket cable network contained heavy doses of racial insensitivity, stupidity, ignorance and bigotry. Those qualities came courtesy of longtime Clippers play-by-play announcer Ralph Lawler and color analyst Michael Smith, who were suspended one game by the for their comments about Memphis center Hamed Haddadi. Late in the game, Haddadi, who is Iranian, entered the game and when he did, let’s just say Lawler and Smith weren’t exactly spouting top-notch basketball analysis. Let’s read the transcript from the broadcast:

Smith: "Look who's in."

Lawler: "Hamed Haddadi. Where's he from?"

Smith: "He's the first Iranian to play in the NBA." (Smith pronounced Iranian as "Eye-ranian,” grade-A racist style)

Lawler: "There aren't any Iranian players in the NBA," repeating Smith's mispronunciation.

Smith: "He's the only one."

Lawler: "He's from Iran?"

Smith: "I guess so."

Lawler: "That Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "The real Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "Wow. Haddadi that's H-A-D-D-A-D-I."

Smith: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?"

Smith: "If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."

Lawler: "Here's Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball."

Smith: "Especially the post players.

Lawler: "I don't know about their guards."

Gotta love how Lawler was magnanimous enough to admit that although he his stereotyping the passing skills of Iranian post players, he’s not sure about their guards. Very big of you, Ralph. Also, as insensitive as these comments are, if you are going to let your inner racist out on the air, at least make sure your cultural references are accurate. In other words, you tools tried to crack Borat jokes about an Iranian player when Borat, the fictional character created by Sascha Baren Cohen in one of the most overrated movies of all-time, was from Kazakhstan. Nice try, morons. Not surprisingly, a viewer took offense to the comments and e-mailed the network, which reviewed the exchange and decided to suspend Lawler and Smith for one game. Lawler, 71, is in his 31st season doing Clippers games, and Smith is in his 12th. Somehow, in 2,400-plus games of broadcasting Clippers games, Lawler managed to suppress both his inner bigot and inner moron enough to avoid any comments along the lines of his cracks about Haddadi. The one-game suspension meant that Lawler and Smith did not work Friday’s game against Denver, leaving Michael Eaves and Don MacLean, who regularly serve as halftime and postgame analysts on the Clippers telecasts, to fill in. In announcing the suspension, Fox also made sure to issue a statement denouncing the comments while also voicing support for their two embattled broadcasters. “We regret the remarks made by Clippers announcers Michael Smith and Ralph Lawler during Wednesday's telecast," Fox said in a statement about 2½ hours before the game. "While we believe that Michael and Ralph did not intend their exchange to be offensive, the comments were inappropriate. "We extend our apologies to Hamed Haddadi of the Memphis Grizzlies and to anyone who was offended. We have addressed the situation with Michael and Ralph and have taken appropriate action.” Thanks for that, Fox, although if it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer my basketball broadcasts without blatant racism from here on out………

- Journey with me to the great state of Vermont, where one escaped prison inmate can thank none other than toothpaste for helping to facilitate his jail break. Robert Hale is an inmate at the Sullivan County Jail – albeit on a bit of a sabbatical as of this moment – who took advantage of a new multi-million dollar expansion project at the jail and some decidedly McGyver-like ingenuity to make his escape. Jail officials say Hale used a piece of metal to carve out a hole in the ceiling of his jail cell and by channeling his inner Andy Dufresne (The Shawshank Redemption, still an all-time great movie), he was able to cover the hole using toothpaste during the weeks he worked on it. While Tim Robbins’ character used giant posters of famous actresses to cover the hole he carved in the wall, Hale used what he had on hand and the toothpaste clearly did the job. "He proceeded through the sheet rock ceiling, gained egress into a new area of the jail that just got completed construction and upon getting into that area, found his way out through a window," explained Ross Cunningham, the superintendent of the Sullivan County Jail. If you are in the area of the Sullivan County Jail and wondering how concerned you should be about an escaped convict roaming free, I’d advise you not to panic. Hale was awaiting trial for armed robbery, but law enforcement officials do not believe he is dangerous. They do advise you to contact the police immediately if you spot him, although I’m guessing he won’t be sporting that orange prison jumpsuit he was wearing the last time he was seen by jail personnel. State police lent a helping hand Thursday morning in the quest to find Hale, using their K-9 unit to search for him without success. "We have two different K-9 searches executed this morning both lead to relatively close to the same area and they came to a dead end. The trail ended," N.H. State Police Lt. Jerome Maslan said. "We assume at that point he may have gotten picked up by a vehicle but we are not sure." Hale is a former resident of the Claremont area, which is located less than 10 miles from the jail. A smart criminal (a bit of an oxymoron) would avoid Claremont like the plague because it’s the first place authorities will look for him. However, most criminals are behind bars to begin with because they’re idiots, so Hale steering clear of his former hometown isn't a given. His family has been contacted, but police aren’t saying whether they are cooperating with the search. Cooperating family or not, I do have to say that this is a brilliant move by Hale. In no way does breaking out of jail before you can even go on trial make you seem guilty. I’m sure that once he’s captured, returned to jail and put on trial, the jury for his armed robbery case (and likely escape charges) won't view him at all differently in light of this little incident……….

- I am a little disappointed right now in the 70 students at UC Santa Cruz in California who caved in to The Man and surrendered the administration building they had occupied for three days rather than be arrested for the cause they claim to support, stopping the recently passed tuition increase for all state schools by the California Board of Regents. The students faced arrest if they stayed inside the building, but what makes your point better than images of angry students being led from an administration building in handcuffs while shouting at the cameras and inciting the crowd? No, it doesn’t make me feel any better that university officials claimed in a statement that, "students who participated in this incident face possible criminal and/or student judicial sanctions." The protesting students did leave a nice parting gift, as Kerr Hall, the Santa Cruz campus' administration building, won't be ready for its normal duties Monday because some areas were damaged and left in disarray. Photographs from the scene show trash scattered about, a moved refrigerator, broken tables and other items used to barricade doors. The occupation began shortly after the regents board approved a 32 percent increase in tuition Thursday. The standoff dragged on until 6:30 a.m. PST Sunday, when campus police presented the protesters with an ultimatum: vacate the building or face arrest. Faced with this choice, the protestors meekly left Kerr Hall and meandered over to Kresge Town Hall, a campus meeting place where students have been "hanging out" for several days. Police did muscle up on a group of about 30 protesters sitting in front of the doors to Kerr Hall, “forcibly” moving them from their location. At present, the students say that they have no plans to occupy another building, which is sad. They insist that they will continue to push the administration to implement their earlier demands, including asking that the campus be a "safe space" for undocumented students who fear detainment from immigration officials and assuring that no more school employees will be laid off. I sincerely hope that the outrage over the tuition hikes and budget cuts doesn’t fizzle out, because the students have a definite case here and they need to press it. No one believes that the $505 million to be raised by the tuition increase will actually help to prevent even deeper cuts than those already made due to the state’s ongoing financial crisis, as stare officials seem to believe. The protestors are right when they argue that the hike will hurt working and middle-class students. By next fall, tuition would rise to $10,302 a semester, which is far, far more than most students can afford. Plus, students who live on campus could pay up to an estimated $17,200 in additional fees, which include the annual cost of books and housing. That’s enough to piss off any non-wealthy student, especially when the January increase of about 15 percent is more than double the average public university tuition hike last year and two-and-a-half times the national average of a 6.5 percent increase at four-year colleges and universities. Protest on, California university students, protest on…………

- Three very different Thanksgiving dinners marked tonight’s episode of Heroes. The most intense of the three took place at the Sullivan Bros. carnival, where Samuel Sullivan and his merry band of freaks gathered to celebrate. Not everyone was in a celebratory mood, especially not Hiro Nakamura. With Samuel still refusing to tell him where and when in time he banished Hiro’s beloved lady friend Charlie to, Hiro is torn on what to do. He can’t harm Samuel or upset him because then he may never find out where Charlie is. Lydia, the Tattooed Woman, and Edgar, the super-speed, knife-wielding maniac, see Hiro’s dissent and ask him what’s amiss. He tells them and they decide to exploit his emotional state. Lydia invites Hiro to her living area and tries to charm him into helping her. She promises that she can use her power to help him, but she needs him to take her back in time eight weeks ago to the night when Samuel’s brother Joseph was murdered. Hiro agrees and they travel back to the carnival eight weeks in the past, where they see the scene that unfolds after Mohinder Suresh’s visit to Joseph. Samuel, who has overheard the entire talk, confronts Joseph and the two walk to a meadow outside the carnival grounds to talk. Lydia and Hiro follow and watch Samuel berate Joseph from hiding the secret of his true power from him. Joseph explains that he did it to protect Samuel and the world from the all-powerful menace he could become, but Samuel won't hear of it. He demands to see the film that Mohinder spoke of, but when Joseph admits he told Mohinder to burn it, an enraged Samuel uses his power to levitate a stone and send it hurtling through the air, right through Joseph’s throat. The blow kills Joseph almost instantly, but he lives long enough for Samuel to hold his dying brother in his arms. Just then, Samuel hears Hiro and Lydia in the bushes nearby and goes to find the source of the sound. Hiro tries to teleport away but fails initially. He succeeds just in time to escape before being found by Samuel, taking he and Lydia back to the present, where the carnival’s Thanksgiving dinner is taking place. Lydia and Hiro share the truth of Joseph’s murder with Edgar and plan to reveal the truth to the rest of the “family” at dinner. However, Hiro has second thoughts because upsetting Samuel might mean that he will never see Charlie again. Samuel has plans of his own and tells the group that they have a traitor among them, the person who murdered Joseph. Edgar stands up and calls him a fraud, but when he cites Hiro’s trip to the past as his evidence for htat claim and Hiro won't back him up, Samuel presses the attack against Edgar. He accuses Edgar of being the one who killed Joseph and attempts to take him out by levitating stones and sending them crashing into Edgar from behind, but Hiro stops time and freezes everyone but himself and Edgar. Hiro advises Edgar to flee, saying that the time for revenge against Samuel will come – just not now. Samuel soon realizes what Hiro has done, but that only emboldens Hiro to stand up to him. He threatens to leave unless Samuel tells him where and when Charlie is, but Samuel won’t cave. Instead, he summons one of his “family” members, the dreadlocked man who operates the hall of mirrors, to jump Hiro from behind and do some sort of mind-altering with his own power. Samuel expects this to somehow wipe Hiro’s memory or otherwise prevent him from leaving, but just the opposite happens. Hiro mumbles some bizarre Star Trek-related lingo and teleports away to points unknown. The unknown also rules the day at the Petrelli family Thanksgiving dinner at Peter’s apartment in New York. Peter, mom Angela and brother Nathan all gather for dinner but with the lingering question of whether Nathan is really himself or just his memories forced into Sylar’s body hangs over the proceedings. Angela insists on enjoying a nice holiday meal and promises to walk out and never talk to her sons again if they don’t comply. Peter and Nathan insist on the truth and somewhere between turkey and pie, they hear the story of Matt Parkman force-feeding Nathan’s memories into Sylar’s body last season. Within moments, Nathan grabs a knife off the table as Angela begins to pick it up and cryptically implies that Sylar is still somewhere inside his body. As Peter and Angela look on in horror, Nathan is engulfed in a storm of lightning and electricity and when the fireworks end, he gets up off the ground and has turned back into Sylar. Sylar proceeds to hold his two “guests” captive with his powers of telepathy while wolfing down plenty of Thanksgiving grub. He then looks to make good on his previous vow to kill Angela by his patented M.O. of slicing her head open with his telepathic finger of death, but somehow a part of Nathan is still inside his body and prevents him from finishing the deed. Peter and Angela plead with Nathan to fight back and it works, with Sylar’s body morphing back into Nathan. He then rushes from the apartment, headed for an unknown destination. Peter vows to find him (and does, judging by next week’s preview), somehow get his brother back and if that’s not possible, to exact revenge on Sylar. On a lighter note, the Bennet family gathers at H.R.G.’s D.C.-area apartment for Thanksgiving dinner with a couple of added guests. Noah Bennet, a.k.a. H.R.G., finds out that ex-wife Sandra is bringing her new boyfriend Doug, an über-annoying tool who is also a dog breeder. In response, H.R.G. tracks down and invites former Company co-worker Lauren (with whom he had a brief affair once that was never revealed to anyone) to dinner. He also talks Claire into coming and everyone shows up for a nice meal that is quickly derailed when Claire confesses that she doesn’t have much to be thankful for and is considering dropping out of school. Both of her parents argue vehemently against this idea, even after Claire admits that she feels like a freak who doesn’t fit in at college. That inspires Doug to chime in even though he has no idea what he’s talking about, which then prompts Claire to take a knife, slice her arm open and show off her power to heal instantly in order to prove what an idiot Doug is. He faints on the spot, giving H.R.G. and Claire a few moments alone to chat while Sandra and Lauren tend to Doug. H.R.G. shows Claire the litany of information he’s been collecting on Samuel Sullivan, including the compass that Samuel sent Edgar to take from him (a compass that we learned Joseph sent to H.R.G. so he could find the carnival and take Samuel into custody). He also unveils a nice surprise for Claire – her former roommate Gretchen, who moved out when life with Claire become too stressful to handle. Gretchen now admits she’d consider moving back in together and that she misses hanging out. The rest of dinner goes off without a hitch, but when Claire and Gretchen depart in Gretchen’s car, Claire reveals that she’s stolen H.R.G.’s compass and with their two-day break from school, she wants to use it to find the Sullivan Bros. carnival (which, one again judging by next week’s preview, she does). So that’s all for this week, until next time………

Stealing fortune cookie secrets, good news for Smallville fans and the WNBA continues its downward spiral

2009-11-22T21:02:00.002-05:00

- In the food world, one thing you most definitely do NOT do is attempt to steal someone’s secret noodle and fortune cookie recipes. Everyone knows this, year Illinois-based Baily International has apparently elected to ignore this rule and (allegedly) thieve the classified fortune cookie and noodle recipes of Southern Noodle Company of Houston. Owner Andy Hou isn't taking the alleged theft lying down, as he has filed a lawsuit against Baily International. Southern Noodle's lawsuit against Baily International claims that Baily offered to buy his companay and paid $50,000 earnest money. In exchange Hou provided access to his facility and books, but he claims they pulled out of the deal and ran off with his records. In other words, he’s claiming that the entire deal was nothing more than a scam to steal his recipes. Attorney Anthony Farah is representing Hou in the case and he is painting a bleak picture of what could happen to Southern Noodle if justice is not served. “The damage could be significant," said Farah. Court documents say the "defendants concocted this scheme to steal from plaintiffs a very special noodle recipe" and that "defendants' agents photographed plaintiffs' manufacturing process and stole the recipe from plaintiffs." Hou claims that his top-secret (aren’t they all?) recipes are missing, along with his customer files. He is alleging that Baily International representatives entered his factory and took pictures of his operation when he wasn’t there and says he has surveillance footage to prove it. "Not everybody had and now everybody may have it because of the nefarious, alleged acts of this company," said Farah of the stolen information. Hou is seeking financial damages, claiming conspiracy and misappropriation of trade secrets. As you’d expect from a major corporation, Baily International is hiding behind its corporate curtain of secrecy and refusing comment while its lawyers do their thing. Here’s hoping that the little guy, Andy Hou, gets justice when all is said and done………

- Google is not only shooting for the top of the Internet browser market with its new Chrome browser, it’s aiming to take over the netbook market as well. On Friday, Google unveiled additional details of Chrome OS, a lightweight, browser-based operating system for netbooks. The focus is on speed and the Chrome OS promises nearly instant boot times of about 7 seconds for users to login to their computers. "We want Google Chrome OS to be blazingly fast ... to boot up like a TV," said Sundar Pichai, vice president of product management for Google. The first notebooks equipped with Chrome OS will be available last in 2010, but in the meantime it will not be available as a download to run and install. Google is keeping a tight rein on Chrome and will only ship it on specific hardware from manufacturers Google has partnered with. In other words, if you want Chrome OS, you’ll have to purchase an official Chrome OS device – well, until someone hacks it and finds a way to make it available by other means. So far, no partnerships with computer manufacturers have been announced, but Google stated that whoever produces the netbooks will have to meet specifications including full-size keyboards, large trackpads and large displays. One interesting feature of the Chrome OS netbooks is that they will not have traditional hard disk drives -- they will rely on non-volatile flash memory and Internet-based storage for saving all of your data. The first part of that sounds great, but I have never been a big fan of online data storage. No matter how secure a provider claims the data is, there is still a higher chance of my data being hacked if it’s stored online than there is on an external hard drive at my home. But it would be ignorant to overlook the growing popularity of cloud computing, which is what Chrome OS will rely on. Applications will all be web-based, so users won't have to worry about installing applications or updating their software. All data will be stored in their cloud and Google vows to monitor code to prevent malicious activity in Chrome OS web apps. "Chrome OS is a totally rethought computer that will let you focus on the Internet, so you can stop worrying about your computer," according to a Google promotional video. To give you a chance to experience Chrome firsthand, Google plans to release all of the operating system's code and design documents to the public. It is a Linux-based, open-source operating system centered on Google's Chrome browser and all applications will run exclusively inside the browser. How will the Chrome OS-equipped netbooks fare? That’s an interesting proposition, as netbook sales for current products are falling well below manufacturer expectations thus far. The cost for Chrome OS netbooks is expected to be about the same as current netbooks, in the range of $300 to $500. Personally I have no intention of jumping on board with any of this, as a netbook has never been a huge draw for me and I’m not overwhelmed by the concepts of the Chrome OS setup……….

- Crap. You’ll have to excuse me if I am absolutely heartbroken right now because……well, because…..okay, okay, let’s just get it over with. Yet another WNBA franchise has folded, with the legendary Sacramento Monarchs becoming the latest casualty of women’s professional basketball. Monarchs general manager/coach John Whisenant broke the news to local media in Sacramento, ending the run of a team that I am told won the 2005 WNBA championship. The Monarchs, as with all WNBA franchises, were run by an NBA team that served the purpose of actually making money and supporting the charity case that was their corresponding WNBA franchise. NBA commissioner David Stern has insisted on perpetuating this farce for a decade under the auspices of supporting women and girls in sports, which is a good concept. However, that’s not enough for myself or other fans of basketball that’s actually good to overlook the crap-tacular product the WNBA consistently put on the floor. Supporters like to argue that the women’s game is more fundamentally sound and interesting, but that’s just the lie they like to tell themselves to make their forced viewing of WNBA basketball more bearable. Look at the bottom line: The Monarchs and Houston Comets have both ceased operations in the past year for purely financial reasons. The Detroit Shock left town and moved to Tulsa in a futile attempt to generate interest for the team in a new market, while the Indiana Fever are up for sale and could probably be had for less than the cost of a new Chevy Cobalt. The Monarchs were owned by brothers Joe and Gavin Maloof, who also own the Palms Hotel and Casino in las Vegas and the NBA’s Sacramento Kings. Their primary focus is (as it should be) on the Kings, who aren’t exactly bringing in overflowing profits so far this season. Playing to a whole lot of empty seats, the Kings are among several NBA teams struggling to sell tickets and bring in fans. With thaty reality facing them, the Maloofs clearly felt that the added burden of a WNBA team on their backs wasn’t something they wanted or needed. The WNBA would like everyone to believe that there are investors from the Bay Area looking to purchase the team, but those claims seem dubious at best. "Everyone in this business environment ... you have to do what has to be done," Joe Maloof. “Our focus is to turn the Kings around, and to do that, we have to put all our efforts and good salespeople on the Kings.” Don’t worry, Joe; no one blames you. In fact, we all salute your incredible resolve for hanging on to a money pit like the Monarchs for so long. Go forward proudly and know that no one harbors any ill will toward you and your brother for this brilliant, brilliant business decision………

- Ever since the apparent death of Brian Austin Green's Metallo character earlier this season on Smallville, speculation on a possible return has been buzzing. Green first appeared in the Season 9 premiere as Metallo's alter ego, journalist John Corbin. He lasted all of one week, dying in the second episode of the season after a battle with Clark Kent in which he accidentally ripped out his own Kryptonite-infused heart while trying to kill the Man of Steel. Perhaps portending a return for Metallo, Dr. Emil (Alessandro Juliani) remarked in that episode that Corbin had become more machine than man, so the chances for his survival might be good. Dr. Emil’s words have ultimately proved prophetic and Green will make his return in episode 18, which is scheduled to air in the spring. As noted in Friday’s Smallville recap, the show is on holiday hiatus until Jan. 22 (you still suck for that, CW!), so the eighteenth episode of the season is actually a bit further away than it might otherwise seem. Still, it has been a very good season up to this point, even without the über-hot, amazing Kristin Kreuk around to brighten up our TV screens and our lives as Lana Lang. Seeing elements and aspects of the Superman mythology gradually woven into the Smallville fabric has been a lot of fun and adding talented actors like Green to the mix for a few episodes definitely can’t hurt………

- Woo hoo! It’s “embarrassing family member of a U.S. senator” time and I could not be more pumped. Let’s get started with Alexandra Forbes Kerry, the older of Sen. John Kerry's two daughters, who was arrested for suspicion of DUI in Hollywood Thursday. She was pulled over for a traffic violation about 12:40 a.m., at which time officers somehow deduced that she was somewhat impaired. Kerry refused to take Breathalyzer test at the scene and it wasn’t until later in the night that a test could be administered. That test showed a level of 0.06, under the legal limit of 0.08. "She was arrested for driving under the influence," said Officer Sara Faden, who added that Kerry was released on $5,000 bail. Kerry was initially pulled over for an expired registration and was released after the results of a Breathalyzer test at the police station were under the legal limit. It appears the film producer and director has dodged a major bullet here, but merely being linked with the letters DUI in the media should be a solid black eye for Sen. Kerry. However, it’s not likely to be quite as embarrassing as things are for Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Ind., whose wife got all liquored up and decided that driving into a few parked cars would be a good way to show just how capable of driving under the influence she is. Police say an officer stopped 76-year-old Charlene Lugar Wednesday evening at a McLean intersection after noticing damage to her car and seeing smoke pouring from the hood. Hmm…..sounds curious, tell me more. An officer approached the vehicle and questioned Lugar, who showed obvious signs of intoxication. A little thorough police work led to the discovery of a damaged, unattended parked car about two miles away from the traffic stop. Fairfax County police determined that Lugar struck the vehicle but was far too hammered to realize what she had done. She’s been charged with drunken driving and hit-and-run, both of which are misdemeanors. In a statement, Sen. Lugar said that he and his wife are "deeply sorry and embarrassed that this accident has occurred." I’d say so, senator. But you might be a bit more embarrassed than your wife because a) you’re the public figure and it’s your name that will be dragged into the mud more for this one and b) she’s probably still a tad hung over and may not realize exactly what she’s done. I’m offended personally because what the heck did that parked car ever do to Charlene Lugar? It was just sitting their on the side of the street, minding its own business and not expecting some molared-up old senator’s wife to come crashing into it. Here’s hoping the judge sticks it to Charlene Lugar at her Jan. 8 trial is scheduled in Fairfax County General District Court……………

Moving day for some of my fave TV shows, college football thoughts on rivalry weekend and it's Ponzi scheme time, yay!

2009-11-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

- It’s moving day in the television world, with two of my favorite shows making the leap to new time slots. Neither Lost nor Chuck has kicked off its new season yet, but both shows are making news this week as their respective season premiere dates are announced, along with new nights for both. As the buzz for its sixth and final season ramps up, Lost will be leaping through time from Wednesday to Tuesday nights. The two-hour premiere is scheduled for Feb. 2, at 9/8c after holding down a Wednesday night slot for ABC last season. During Season 4, the show aired on Thursday nights, so moving to a new night is in fact, nothing new for the castaways of the mysterious, no-name island in the Pacific. In announcing the premiere date and schedule change, ABC also revealed the regular cast members for Season 6, including Naveen Andrews, Nestor Carbonell, Emile de Ravin, Michael Emerson, Jeff Fahey, Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Josh Holloway, Daniel Dae Kim, Yunjin Kim, Ken Leung, Evangeline Lilly, Terry O'Quinn and Zuleikha Robinson. Lost fans might be wondering why Elizabeth Mitchell is missing from the list, but she has been flying to Hawaii to shoot guest stints for the show while holding down her primary gig on the network’s new drama V. As they await the new season, fans can keep up with the show at ABC.com/lost by watching webisodes exploring background and back stories from the show. The final webisode, Mysteries of the Universe: The Dharma Initiative, attempts to uncover what's going on with the secret organization. As for Chuck, everyone’s favorite dork spy will be coming back sooner than expected: Sunday, Jan. 10, at 9/8c with back-to-back episodes. Following its debut, the show will return to Monday nights at 8/9c beginning Jan. 11. Seeing where Chuck, the show’s title character, is after being downloaded with a new supercomputer into his brain in last season’s finale will definitely be interesting. Oh, and there is also the guest-starring rule for the über-hot Kristin Kreuk to look forward to, along with guest spots from Angie Harmon, Brandon Routh, Robert Patrick, Armand Assante, Steve Austin and Vinne Jones. Once Chuck is back on the schedule, Heroes will return to its time slot from last season at 9/8c, with a two-hour episode on Jan. 4 marking its last night in the 8/7c slot. So there’s plenty to look forward to for fans of these two great shows, even if most of the other series on both networks are absolute crap right now………

- Nothing makes your political point more emphatically than destroying the studios of the nearest TV station. Storming the building and ransacking it is a profound way of declaring that you are angry, you are dangerous and you are powerful enough to attack a group of people with no military training, no advance warning of an attack and no means to defend themselves against such an attack. As such, big ups to the band of right-wing activists who ransacked an Indian television station in Mumbai on Friday. The attackers called the assault was an act of retaliation against the channel's "bias" against the veteran leader of their party. Observers labeled the attack on the IBN Lokmat as a result of militant politics in Maharashtra state, home to Mumbai. Only seven people have been arrested so far in conjunction with the attack, but 15 to 20 people more are expected to be taken into custody, said Rajkumar Vhatkar, a deputy commissioner of police in the city. They, along with those already apprehended, will be charged with assault, rioting and criminal trespass, among other counts. All of the suspects are members of the regional Shiv Sena party, which fights federal and state elections. The part has already confirmed that they are members, nor are they backing down from the attack. "We are not denying it. They were angry," said Sanjay Raut, a federal lawmaker from Shiv Sena. The incident seems to stem from a perceived insult by the TV station against the Shiv Sena party head, Bal Thackeray, a temperamental Maharashtrian leader. Don’t expect the attacks to abate any time soon, as they have been a staple of the Indian political scene for years and groups like Shiv Sena have targeted Bollywood films, Valentine's Day celebrations, non-Maharashtrians, and non-Hindus as means to make their point. I guess you could give this particular group of attackers credit for not killing or seriously injuring anyone during their mini-assault, I guess…….

- Overall, this was not a good Saturday for college football. That would be in large part because the two supposed elite SEC teams, the piece of sh*t cowards at Florida and Alabama, filled voids in their respective schedules with Div. 1-AA teams that didn’t belong on the same stadium. Rather than play a quality non-conference foe, Urban Meyer and confirmed liar Nick Saban pu**ied out and scheduled games against Florida Atlantic and Chattanooga, respectively. This is a whole other tangent, but my contention continues to be that NO Div. 1-A team should be allowed to play a Div. 1-AA team ever, for any reason. So rather than quality games against opponents capable of keeping it within four touchdowns, we were treated to 62-3 (Florida) and 45-0 (Alabama) curb-stompings. Personally, I’d deduct one win from each team’s record for such pathetic, weak scheduling. At the least, disqualify all players from Florida and Alabama from the Heisman race for this indefensible scheduling. Third-ranked Texas may have issued a beatdown of their own, but at least their rout was mandated by the Big 12 conference, which sent a troubled Kansas team to Austin for a 51-20 ass-kicking that should definitely make life easier for obese coach Mark Mangino. Easily the most impressive win by a top-five team was No. 4 TCU, which traveled to Laramie and pummeled a 5-5 Wyoming team, holding the Cowboys to less than 200 yards of total offense and allowing no offensive touchdowns. The Horned Frogs are showing week by week that they belong among the nation’s elite and I would absolutely love to see them take down the schedule pu**ies at Florida or Alabama in the BCS championship game. This was also rivalry weekend, meaning that it was time for Ohio State to once again grind Michigan into a hapless pile of dust. The final score was 21-10, with the outcome fueled by five freaking UM turnovers, all by freshman quarterback Tate Forcier. The loss drops Michigan to 5-7 on the season, eliminating them from bowl contention, handing coach Rich-er Fraud-riguez back-to-back losing season to start his tenure with the Wolverines, the first coach to accomplish that feat. OSU has now beaten Michigan six straight times, which is more than a little embarrassing for the maize and blue. Speaking of embarrassing….um, what the hell was that, Notre Dame? With coach Charlie Weis’ job on the line, the Irish were anything but Fighting and they were beaten at home in double-overtime by a Connecticut team that entered the game under the .500 mark and having not won in a month. The 33-30 defeat should put the final bullet in the head of Weis’ career at ND, paving the way for a coach who might actually have a clue how to turn the Irish into an elite program once again. A rivalry game that won't get a ton of attention because it’s a Div. 1-AA game is Harvard-Yale, i.e. The Game. Being played for the 127th time, the contest was a true classic at the Yale Bowl. The smart kids from Yale dominated the smart kids from Harvard for three-and-a-half quarters, building a 10-0 lead with a solid running game and a suffocating defense. However, Harvard hung tough and after a 41-yard touchdown pass from Collier Winters to Matt Luft with 6:46 left in the game, the Crimson climbed right back into the game. Yale basically handed them the win with just over three minutes left in the game. Facing a 4th and 22 at their own 25, the Bulldogs inexplicably elected to run a fake punt rather than an actual one. Predictably, the fake punt failed, gaining only 15 yards and handing the ball to Harvard at the Yale 40 with 3:14 left. From there, it took three plays for the Crimson to reach the end zone, accomplished on a 32-yard Winters-to-Chris Lorditch TD pass. Final score: Harvard 14, Yale 10 and a bunch of dejected Yalies left to drown their sorrows in cheap bear Saturday night. Joining them in their misery were the smart kids at Stanford, who saw their beloved Cardinal drop a 34-28 heartbreaker to archrival California despite four more touchdown runs from should-be Heisman Trophy winner Toby Gerheart. Stanford had a legit chance to win, but redshirt freshman quarterback Andrew Luck tossed a lethal interception with just over a minute remaining in the game to seal Stanford’s fate. I guess, looking back, it wasn’t that bad a day of football, thanks entirely to the non-elite and even non-D-1 teams who played exciting rivalry games and made me remember why I love college football. Thanks for that, guys……..

- It’s Ponzi scheme time, y’all! My general rule is that those not smart enough to avoid Ponzi schemes deserve to lose whatever they lose to the proprietors of these ridiculous, unbelievable scams. After weighing the following situation carefully, I’m going to uphold that rule here. Let’s meet Bill Chaucer of Ponchatoula, La., a financial investor who was arrested Thursday and charged him with 80 felony counts. The State Attorney General's Office Chaucer ran a Ponzi scheme and stole more than $11 million dollars from more than 200 investors. Most of the victims reside in Tangipahoa Parish, but others come from St. Tammany, New Orleans and Baton Rouge. "Chaucer had been in business for a number of years, without any complaints and something happened, where he was diverting this money he was raising, and this was, we believe, nothing more than a Ponzi scheme operated in the context of a finance business," Tangipahoa District Attorney Scott Perrilloux said. Perrilloux reiterated that Chaucer's investment business operated legally for years, then turned illegal. For those unfamiliar with Ponzi schemes, they basically lure investors in with the promise of ridiculously high returns, deliver those returns for an extremely temporary period of time (a month or so), long enough to sucker them in. The problem is that the profits are not really profits, but rather payments made from the money invested by those lured into the scam after the investor who is receiving payment. Chaucer used his profits from the scam to finance an extravagant lifestyle, including Mardi Gras krewe memberships, plastic surgery, jewelry and for his wife’s participation in senior beauty pageants. "Let me just put it to you this way," said Tangipahoa attorney Sam Dileo, "I've been to lots of parties in my life, even a party at the White House or two occasionally, I've never seen parties like this. Very expensive champagne, very expensive liquor. Everything monogrammed. Gifts when you went in, gifts when you went out." Hopefully that lifestyle was worth it, because Chaucer is now charged with 60 counts related to securities, which include unregistered sales and making misrepresentations, and 20 counts of felony theft. Those charges could result in more than 500 years in prison if Chaucer is convicted, albeit in a federal prison where he likely would not be incarcerated with what you’d consider hardcore criminals. The state, led by the Attorney General's Public Corruption Unit, will try to find and seize Chaucer's assets, but it is believed that he may not have much left at this point. "Unfortunately, in this case, as in a lot of the other cases the answer that you have at the end of the day is not a very happy, not a very happy ending," AGCPU director David Caldwell said. No, but as I said at the top, anyone dumb enough to be lured in by the absurd promises of a Ponzi scheme doesn’t really deserve a happy ending anyhow………

- Way to show your true colors, soccer fan. Nothing is more ingrained in the nature of soccer fans worldwide than acting like drunken, classless a-holes before, during and after matches, whether they are “friendlies” with other countries, league championship games or major international showdowns. Big ups to hundreds of angry soccer hooligans in Egypt who brawled with police near the Algerian Embassy in Cairo early Friday. The clashes resulted from tensions over Algeria's victory over Egypt in a World Cup qualifier soccer match and earlier fights between soccer fans in the North African countries. This was a fairly kick-ass riot, even by soccer standards. An estimated 39 security forces were injured in the riot and cars and stores were damaged in Zamalek, an island in Cairo on the Nile River. In the aftermath, officials flooded the area with truckloads of riot police and more than 1,000 security forces. Best of all, the outbreak of brawls between Egyptian and Algerian soccer fans also has led to a diplomatic row between the two North African countries, with Egypt recalling its ambassador to Algiers on Thursday. There is nothing more awesome than a bunch of drunk, idiotic soccer fans getting so out of control over a stupid game that they cause a major international incident. The recall of the Egyptian envoy to Algeria was done "for consultations," according to Husam Zaki, a spokesman for Egypt's Foreign Ministry. It came after an incident Thursday in which Algeria refused to allow an Egyptian plane to land. The aircraft was dispatched to evacuate Egyptian citizens from Algiers, where press reports said Egyptians have been harassed by Algerian fans. To kick things up another notch, the Algerian government decked Egyptian telecommunications giant Orascom with a nearly $600 million bill for alleged back taxes this week. All of this because Egyptian fans stoned the Algerian team's bus upon its arrival in Cairo and injured several players, are you freaking kidding me? Look, I know you all are a little too pumped up about the chance to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, but even for soccer fans this is a little ridiculous. Fights broke out after the Egyptian team's 2-0 victory in Saturday's match, then escalated even more following a Wednesday night playoff, which Algeria won 1-0. Thanks for showing us that while many things in this world are in a constant state of change, you, soccer fan, are, were and always will be totally ridiculous………

Your last Smallville recap for a while, most Americans view the swine flu like I do and Riot Watch! in Cali

2009-11-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

- Shocker, shocker. Seems that most Americans, like yours truly, have no interest in getting the H1N1 flu vaccine. That’s according to a new poll released Wednesday wherein more than half of all adult Americans say they don't want to get vaccinated. The poll reveals that 55 percent of adults don't want to get the swine flu vaccine and don't plan to get a shot. A scant 7 percent have actually been inoculated for H1N1, so clearly the majority of adults aren’t that concerned about what is supposed to be a pandemic in the making. Among those who do not plan to be vaccinated, the belief that the vaccine has dangerous side effects is a major reason, according to health experts. That’s in spite of the fact that officials of the National Institutes of Health say they've seen no serious side effects in clinical trials and that study subjects who have been immunized have generated a good response. Others are not getting the vaccine because they do not fall into a high-risk group that has been targeted as a priority for immunization. These groups include: pregnant women; caregivers and household contacts of children younger than 6 months; everyone between the ages of 6 months and 24 years; and people ages 25 to 64 with existing health problems. Personally, I’m not getting vaccinated or looking to do so because I think this whole H1N1 scare is way, way overblown and people are panicking for no good reason. Ours is far too much of a fear-driven culture and I’m not about to capitulate to that sort of pressure and herd mentality. Wash your hands, abstain from your normal practice of licking/making out with rails, door handles and oft-used surfaces in public places and don’t allow people to cough directly on you and you’ll be fine. Heck, even if you are a person who has actively sought the vaccine, odds are that you haven’t been able to get it. If you don’t fall into one of the aforementioned high-priority groups, you are placed at the back end of the line and told to wait your turn. For the most part, the panicky segments of society are undoubtedly old people, who overreact to everything, are scared of everything and feel like everything that is reported will actually happen. The H1N1 virus is not going to be what takes you down, old timers, so relax and go about your normal routine……….

- Oh, how Lane Kiffin must be smiling right now. When Kiffin was fired last year as coach of the perpetually dysfunctional Oakland Raiders, possibly alive Raiders owner Al Davis conducted a bizarr-o press conference in which he assailed Kiffin’s character using, among other things, an overhead projector from 1974. During that presser, one of Davis’ main points was that Kiffin did not like quarterback JaMarcus Russell as a player and did not want to draft him. “JaMarcus is a great player. Get over it,” Davis chided Kiffin, who wasn’t in attendance. Now that Kiffin is the head coach at the University of Tennessee and has shown substantial progress in turning around the faltering UT program, he has not be loving the fact that on Wednesday, the Raiders benched Russell, the former No. 1 overall pick, and handed the starting job to journeyman Bruce Gradkowski for the foreseeable future. Coach Tom Cable, who took over after Kiffin was fired, had already jerked Russell from two of the last three games and his sparkling stat line of two touchdowns against nine interceptions (with five fumbles lost) doesn’t exactly argue Russell’s case to start very well. Asked if the QB switch was a short-term move, the assistant-coach-assaulting Cable said plainly that it was not. "I don't want to be like that," he said. "This is where we're headed and what we're going to do. He'll take this team and go with it." Following the decision, Russell was absent from the locker room during the media access period and was not available for comment. Honestly, I don’t care to hear from Russell anyhow. What of substance is he going to say? That he’s disappointed to lose his job but that he will do everything possible to help the team no matter what his role? The guy I want to hear from is the Crypt Keeper himself, Al Davis. Don your best leather jumpsuit, break out your overhead projector and defend your boy now, Al. But you can't do that, can you? Because you finally see what we have all seen for a long time now, namely that JaMarcus is not a great player and that it is you, not Lane Kiffin, who needs to “get over it.” Great players are not 40 pounds overweight, lazy in the weight room, disinterested in the film room and regressing as NFL players in their third season. So far, all that we’ve heard about Davis in regards to this decision is that Cable stated that Davis gave him the autonomy to make the decision on his own and supported the move. "As we all know, it's important to include him in everything so he knows what's going on with this football team," Cable said. Oh, he knows. He knows that he’s paid more than $31 million to an overweight, lazy and unmotivated slug who held out for weeks prior to his rookie season, has completed just 46.8 percent of his passes this season and is the primary reason why the Raiders’ offense is among the NFL’s worst. Still, Cable insists that he’s not giving up on Russell as an NFL quarterback. "This is in no way giving up on the guy," Cable said. "This is just trying to jump-start this team and really break it down and make a decision based on what gives us the best chance to win." Of course, all of this is not to say that Russell is Oakland’s only major problem. No, the team also blew their top pick in the 2009 draft, selecting receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh pick overall despite the fact that he was considered the fourth or fifth-best receiver in the draft and a second-round pick at best. Heyward-Bey has caught six passes this season – total – for 96 yards. He drops nearly every pass thrown his way and is the perfect compliment to a QB bust like Russell. Perhaps when the Raiders cut Russell after this season, they can toss Heyward-Bey on the garbage heap along with him. Before we conclude, how about one final stat to illustrate Russell’s incompetence: He has completed just 2 of 34 passes that have gone more than 20 yards downfield for 85 yards, one touchdown and five interceptions. Hard to see how you give up on a guy like that…………

- The future was dark on tonight’s Smallville – well, actually it was red. At the end of last week’s episode, Lois slipped into a coma after kissing Clark and seeing one of her recurring visions of the future. This episode began with Clark having rushed her to the hospital and Oliver Queen flying in the three best neurologists in the country to help. Those efforts went for naught when Lois suddenly went missing from the hospital. Clark immediately suspected Chloe because she a) is Lois’ cousin and b) had been prying into Lois’ medical records along with her friend, Dr. Emil. Clark goes directly to the source and wastes no time accusing Chloe, who is offended but is actually able to point Clark in the right direction, namely, the direction of Tess Mercer. Tess has kidnapped Lois and taken to (where else) the abandoned Bell Reeve sanitarium, where she has set up a bizarre machine perfected by scientists that allows the user to pry into the mind of a subject and see their thoughts and memories. With the help of her tech guru, Stuart Campbell, Tess hooks Lois up to the machine in an attempt to learn what Lois saw during the three weeks she disappeared and traveled to the future following last season’s finale. The memories start up almost instantly, with Lois remembering the fight with Tess that led to her grabbing the Legion ring that Clark had been given and was keeping in his desk at the Daily Planet. She leapt forward in time a year, ending up in a bizarro future with a red sun and post-apocalyptic Metropolis in which the streets are empty, littered with abandoned vehicles and the bright red sun hovers in the sky. Almost immediately, Lois is confronted by a super-speeding Kandorian who demands to know who she is and why she’s in the restricted zone. Lois won't explain herself and is obviously afraid, but the Kandorian quickly realizes that she’s human and no real threat. Lois warns him that the Blur will stop him from whatever he’s up to, but the Kandorian retorts that under the red sun, the Blur has no powers. He points to the black shirt and coat worn by the Blur, seen hanging from a nearby pole as a monument to his demise. Lois also sees the skyline dominated by two massive solar towers, the very towers Tess Mercer unveiled plans to build two episodes ago. From there, Lois is taken to some sort of internment camp for humans that has been set up at the Kent farm, of all places. Humans are treated miserably and not given enough to eat, but Lois manages to find a friendly face: Clark. They embrace, but their reunion is short-lived. After Clark dsiscovers that Lois has the Legion ring, Aaliyah, the Kandorian assassin who we know ultimately followed Lois back from the future and tried to kill her earlier this season, and a fellow guard at the camp whisk Lois away to speak to General Zod. He’s set up shop at the Luthor Mansion, now adorned with the latest in Kandorian and Zod paraphernalia, including a slew of nice red-and-black banners. Zod offers to set Lois free if she’s willing to rat out the person who snuck her into the restricted zone near the solar towers. She refuses and after being apprised that she was also spotted chatting with Clark at the prison camp, Zod decides that both of them will be executed immediately to send a message to anyone who would defy Zod. Prior to the execution, Zod also takes a moment to officially welcome Tess as an official member of his army and presents her with her own Kandorian dog tags. Lois rails against her for selling out the human race, but Tess explains that she was merely working with Zod in an attempt to save the Earth from human destruction. The executions are about to go down with a band of bow-and-arrow-wielding, black-clad assassins come bursting through the roof and put a halt to the proceedings with kryptonite-laced arrows and knives. They manage to drive off Zod and his men, but in the process Tess is shot with an arrow and killed. The assassins turn out to be led by Oliver and Chloe, whom Clark hasn’t seen in months. The foursome of Clark, Lois, Oliver and Chloe manages to escape and travel to the secret, back-alley hideout where Oliver, Chloe and the other members of their resistance group have been operating. While at the hideout, Clark also takes a moment to clean up from his beating at the hands of Zod and while he washes his face, Lois walks in and they have a heart-to-heart that ends with them having sex, fulfilling part of Lois’ flash-forward memories we’ve seen this season. Later on, Clark, Chloe and Oliver debate what their next move should be. While they argue, Lois overhears the news that for the past few months, Clark has been AWOL and ended up trying to fight Zod on his own. He and Chloe aren’t even friends anymore and don’t trust each other. In spite of that, they must work together. Oliver and Chloe explain that the Kandorians derive their power from the solar towers, which convert the sun’s rays into a different composition, then beam them up to LuthorCorp satellites, which send them back to the sun and turn it red, which in turn gives them their power while robbing Clark of his. They must disable the solar towers to stop the Kandorians, which is why the area around them is a restricted zone. Chloe’s idea is to sneak back to Watchtower, which she powered down and put into hibernation so the Kandorians wouldn’t find it, and user her super-hacker skills to infect the towers and satellites with a virus that will turn the sun back to its normal yellow color, thus flipping the power balance back to Clark. When Lois inquires as to why turning the sun back to normal would make Clark the ideal person to take down Zod and his posse, all Clark will tell her is that he and Zod “have a history.” The second part of the plan is to steal the Legion ring back from Zod, who took it from Lois, and to send her back to the past with knowledge of what is happening in the future so it can be stopped. First, all four of them must sneak into Watchtower, which proves to be fairly easy. Once there, Chloe boots up her system, breaks down the towers’ firewall and infects them with the virus. Having completed part one, it’s now up to Clark to find Zod and take back the ring. While he works on that, Lois and Chloe attempt to make a getaway from Watchtower but are spotted and stopped by Aaliyah. She wastes no time in putting a sword right through Chloe’s stomach, killing her on the spot and fulfilling another part of Lois’ visions. Oliver shows up to ward off Aaliyah with some kryptonite-tipped arrows and he tells Lois that the best way for her to help Chloe is by getting the Legion ring back, going back to the past and preventing this very future in which her cousin dies. Lois agrees and goes back to work, finding Clark as Zod drags him through the streets of Metropolis with the intent of finishing the execution he began earlier. Lois tries to intervene by slipping Clark a kryptonite-covered knife, but Zod stops him from using is and proceeds to toss Clark around some more before grabbing Lois and preparing to take her out as well. At that exact moment, the virus Chloe infected the towers with accomplishes its purpose and the sun returns to its normal state. Clark powers back up, Zod loses his powers and the tables turn. Clark accosts Zod, takes back the ring and tells him that his reign is over. But before Clark can turn the ring over to Lois to return to the past, Zod stuns him by stabbing CK with the kryptonite-laden knife, which now works against Clark because he has his Kryptonian powers back. A wounded Clark still manages to toss Zod aside, stumble away and find Lois to give her the ring. She doesn’t want to leave him, but agrees to once he promises that they’ll see each other again. Lois puts on the ring, Aaliyah rushes grabs her as she does so and the two of them go back in time to what is actually now the past, landing on a high-speed train in Metropolis. In the present, Clark manages to find where Tess has taken Lois and goes there to save her. Before Clark can get there, Tess has Stuart hook her up to Lois on the machine so she can see the memories that Lois sees. After seeing the memories, Tess realizes that Lois did indeed travel to the future and demands that Stuart erase all of Lois’ memories from that trip. He refuses because doing so could leave Lois a human vegetable if even one mistake is made. Tess will have none of his dissent and puts a burning slug in Stuart’s back before fleeing the scene. Clark arrives, stops Tess and tries to unhook Lois from the machine, but the Kryptonite weakens him and he ends up with one of the leads from the machine stuck to him. He is then hooked up to Lois brain waves just as Tess was and he too sees Lois’ visions of the future. While he’s locked in, Dr. Emil and Chloe arrive on the scene and Emil wants to disconnect Clark, but Chloe persudes him to hold off so that Clark can see what the future is like and learn how to stop Zod. Emil relents and Clark sees the rest of the future, then snaps out of his temporary coma and returns to the land of the living. Lois is okay as well, back to work at the Planet the next day and believing that she was hospitalized for nothing more than hypoglycemia. While she was hooked up to the memory machine, Emil was able to wipe out her memories from the future and so Lois is no longer plagued by mental images of the apocalypse. She is back to normal and so Clark seizes the chance to talk about their new dating relationship. Lois worries about repeating past dating mistakes and wants to take it slow and Clark concurs. Of course, she follows that up by telling him all of the things they will do while “taking it slow,” including dancing, walks in the park and of course, a monster truck rally. From there, Clark is off to Watchtower to talk to Chloe and Oliver. They want to act on the inside info he gained from Lois’ visions of the future to take Zod out now, before he can build his solar towers and become a threat. Clark counters that when he treated Zod as an enemy the first time around, the end result was the cataclysmic future he just saw. Instead, he wants to befriend Zod and show him how great living on Earth can be. Chloe and Oliver both object, because CK wants to follow through on Jor-El’s advice to “Save Zod,” ostensibly from himself. To that end, he supped speeds to the current meeting of Zod and his troops to begin building the relationship. Zod welcomes him and demands that his troops bow before Clark. That’s where things end……and where they will stay until freaking January 22. Yes, a f***ing two-month hiatus. Way to build momentum for the season, CW. So until January, that’s your last Smallville recap……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! This one has been brewing for a while and it finally reached its boiling point. With the California Board of Regents voting Thursday on a measure to raise undergraduate tuition 32 percent over the next two years, students around the state have spent the past few weeks making their opposition to the tuition hike loud and clear. To cap off their weeks of protests, a group of angry students staged a sit-in Thursday in an attempt to block university officials from leaving the UCLA campus after the vote. Some 100 students locked arms as they blocked the parking decks where regents' vehicles were parked and chanted, "Hell, no, we won't go." It was flat-out awesome, especially coming on the heels of hundreds of students marching and chanting against the increase during the meeting, which took place in an administration building on the UCLA campus. Of course, the board approved the increase and this only served to piss off the agitated students even more. The students say the cuts will hurt working and middle-class students who benefit from state-funded education and of course, they are right. Officials counter that a fee increase and deep cuts in school spending are necessary because of a persistent budget crisis that has forced reductions across California's state government and of course, they are wrong. Slicing the bloated salaries of university presidents, chancellors and administrators would be a much better place to start and would raise a substantial amount of money. Heck, while we’re at it, how’s about slicing the ginormously inflated salaries paid to head football and men’s basketball coaches? But no, The Man elects to stick it to the little guy who can least afford to pay. "We're fired up. Can't take it no more," students chanted as they marched and waved signs. "Education only for the rich," one sign read. Once the vote took place, the protestors bum-rushed the parking decks in an effort to block regents' vehicles from leaving. There to meet them were the perpetual law-enforcement joke that is campus police and California Highway Patrol officers in riot gear. One board member who wasn’t able to sneak into the parking deck without being seen had to cross paths with the livid students, who clogged his path and shouted, "Shame on you, shame on you." The approval by the University of California's Board of came a day after the regents' finance committee also approved the increase. The votes united two groups you might not expect to see protesting side by side: students and faculty members. Some professors and campus workers joined the protests, feeling the tuition-hike plan would hurt them as well. “Stop cuts in education and research," a sign carried by a teacher said. One nice story from the protest involved a political science class on the UCLA campus that was interrupted when protestors sporting picket signs burst into the room chanting, "Walk out, walk out.” Professor Mark Sawyer and his class heeded the call and joined the protest. And of course the campus police had to act like total ass clowns during the protest, including their arrests of students who used radios to let fellow students know where police were posted. All told, 14 people were arrested during the protest. Many others who couldn’t make the trip to Los Angeles for the protest joined in by setting up "tent cities" on other University of California campuses across the state. Still more protestors got involved by locking themselves inside UCLA’s Campbell Hall overnight. Now that it has been approved, the first tuition increase, which takes effect in January, will cost undergraduate students an additional $585 a semester. The second increase kicks in next fall, raising tuition another $1,344. In other words, the cost for fall semester next year will be at least $1,929 more than it was this fall and to put it bluntly, that’s ridiculous. Increasing tuition that much isn't going to help the system, it’s going to hurt it because a whole lot of students simply are not going to be able to afford to continue attending college. Thanks for screwing over the little guy, California Board of Regents. You all officially suck…………

- This is the sort of gang that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of: a gang selling FAT from dead people. And where else would you expect this sort of crew to roll but Peru? The details of the situation are still trickling in, but Peruvian authorities say they have arrested four members of a gang that specialized in selling fat obtained from dead humans. Police are investigating the disappearance of at least 60 people who may have been killed by gang members in two mountainous states in central Peru. What’s astonishing is that authorities currently have only four suspects in the case, meaning they are accusing these four individuals of offing some 60 people. It’s not clear if they killed these poor souls simply to harvest the FAT from their portly physiques, but apparently the FAT is sold in Peru and abroad and used for commercial purposes (human-fat cooking oil for those fries, anyone?). The FAT ring conspiracy was unearthed on November 3, when police arrested two of the suspects as they left a transport business with a plastic container with human fat in it. By the way, how the hell is that considered suspicious activity? Who among us doesn’t roll with a Tupperware container of human FAT at any given time? Just because these dudes were packing someone’s else’s FAT in a re-sealable container doesn’t mean you can just charge them and two of their fellow gang members with murder, Peruvian authorities. Besides, if you don’t want gang members harvesting FAT from your body or the body of a loved one after death, there’s a simple solution: don’t be FAT. I’m always here to provide practical, sensible solutions to life’s problems, so feel free to hit me up any time should you need further guidance, y’all………

Starr and McCartney team up again, Bud Selig finally makes one needed change and blowing up bridges in Colombia.....Hugo Chavez has been busy

2009-11-19T21:48:00.001-05:00

- Quite an eclectic group of guests former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr has assembled for "Y Not," his latest solo album due out Jan. 12, 2010 on Hip-O Records/UMe. When people call something ecletic, they usually mean that it’s weird and often that it sucks and that would definitely be the case here. Among the musical luminaries Starr has assembled are pop hacks like Joss Stone and Richard Marx. He has also snagged some good artists to join him for the project, including Ben Harper, Benmont Tench of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and former Beatles bandmate Paul McCartney. Starr and McCartney will team up for a duet on the album, on which Starr is handling the production duties himself for the first time in his career. "I was the least involved in the production of the Beatle records," Starr said in a statement. "And then with my solo records, I worked with some other great producers like Richard Perry, Arif Mardin, and Don Was. So it just seemed like that's the way that it goes. Then suddenly, it's another point in your life, and you say, 'I'm going do this now.' So I'll be producing anything I make from now on." I think that’s a good move, as someone like Starr should be much more capable at finding his own sound than some hired-gun producer. He places McCartney in a variety of roles on “Y Not,” including playing bass on the song "Peace Dream," as well as lead vocal duties on "Walk With You," a song composed by Starr and Van Dyke Parks. Some of the songs on the album are autobiographical, while others have a lighter vibe. Having heard Starr’s previous solo work, I have to say that it’s been much too mainstream and poppy for my tastes and hopefully by sitting in the producer’s chair from here on out, he will be able to eliminate that aspect and focus on making music that is good rather than simply making music that he thinks people will buy………

- Five words for Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig: Welcome to the party, pal. What the rest of us, both those inside the sport and outside, have been saying for a long time now is that there are far too many off days during the playoffs. For example, heading into Game 6 of this year’s American League Championship Series, the New York Yankees and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County near Costa Mesa had each played a whopping eight games in the previous 20 days. Basically, they were playing an average of less than three games per week at that point. Angels manager Mike Scioscia ripped the current format during that debacle and with the chorus of critics against the system growing louder and larger by the day, Selig has finally capitulated and agreed to address the problem. "We're going to change it," Selig said. "I don't disagree with Mike Scioscia. I think he was right, so we're going to try and tighten that up." He hopes to significantly cut down on off days during the postseason next year, a decision that will be warmly received by players, managers and fans. Of course, this announcement would be even greater were it accompanied by a sharp and swift about-face by Selig on the issue of expanding instant replay in baseball, but the commissioner was only willing to say that he would continue to discuss any potential expansion. “I'm going to talk to a lot of people. I haven't changed my view at all, but I'm always willing to talk to a lot of people and I've talked to a lot of managers and I've talked to a lot of general managers," Selig said. "I haven't heard from anybody about instant replay. The only comments I get are when I call somebody on a bunch of subjects and we talk about it." Whatever you say, commissioner Idiot. Heck, you don’t even have the actual plans for the new postseason format worked out, do you Bud? "When you plan the playoff schedule, you don't know how many games the first round would go. So it's difficult," he explained. "There were clubs that sat around. Some were necessary, but some were not." Exactly as I thought, moron. In the end, I suppose baseball fans will have to be content with the sport finally showing concern for them over of its television partners, for whom baseball added four extra days off during the postseason starting in 2007 in order to shift the World Series opener to Wednesday from Saturday, usually the lowest-rated night of the week. So a halfway decent announcement by the commissioner, but next time let’s try for something that’s all the way decent, k…………

- For those in the Dallas area who are excited about the design for the George W. Bush Presidential Center and library, I have one key piece of advice: expect lots of coloring books, picture books and Mad Libs. Every former president gets a library in his honor in a city of his choosing, so W. has chosen the Dallas area and specifically the area around the campus of Southern Methodist University. After all a prolonged debate over land and traffic control around the SMU area, Former First Lady Laura Bush unveiled the design for the George W. Bush Presidential Center this week. The complex will house a library, museum and the archive for George W. Bush's presidential papers – i.e. doodles of rainbows, stick figures and half-finished games of tic-tac-toe. It will be a brick and limestone building with include a replica of the oval office along with a rose garden similar to the White House – y’know, so W. can pretend to be running the country just like he pretended to run it while evil Vice Lord Cheney pulled the strings from 2001-2008? Mrs. Bush chaired the design committee and says her ass hat of a husband wanted something modern which fit the SMU campus. "This was really something I enjoyed every minute of I had things I wanted ways I wanted it to be," says Former First Lady Laura Bush. The center will be located in a field of wildflowers and prairie designed by Michael Van Valkenburgh (a designed, manufactured field of wildflowers and prairie, how quaint and not at all phony). After walking through that bogus field of wildflowers and prairie, visitors will first enter Freedom Hall, which architect Bob Stern says is one of the most inspiring areas. "Freedom is a form of light I think that's a important theme of building and the Bush presidency I think people should see it and glows and send an optimist view of the world." Pardon me while I attempt to stifle my laughter, Bob-O. Freedom was an important facet of the W. presidency? Which W. administration did you sit through? Unfortunately for those who would visit this monument to ineptitude, Laura Bush says she and her husband will have their offices at the library and plan to be around often. The library is expected to be open in 2013, which should be more than enough time to collect enough Curious George, Clifford the Big Red Dog and coloring books………

- Oh, how I loves me an international conspiracy theory. Nothing is better than one nation-state accusing another nation-state of some sort of illegal, unethical and destructive act done covertly under the cover of darkness. It’s no surprise to hear such allegations being made by either side in the ongoing battle between Colombia and Venezuela. The South American neighbors have been at one another’s throats in earnest ever since the Colombian government decided to allow the United States to use its military bases as a launching point for operations against drug cartels. Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez believes that the U.S. is up to something much more sinister (as he is prone to do) and has used that excuse to wage a non-stop crusade against Colombia. The Colombian government claims that crusade continued overnight when Venezuelan soldiers blew up two pedestrian bridges across the Colombia-Venezuelan border. Colombian Defense Minister Gabriel Silva said explosives were used to blow up the bridges in what he termed a violation of international law. "Uniformed men, apparently from the Venezuelan army, arrived in trucks on the Venezuelan side at two pedestrian bridges that link communities on both sides ... and then proceeded to dynamite them," Silva said. Hmm….does that sound like something Hugo Chavez and his government would do? Ah heck, who am I kidding? Of course it’s something they would do! In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Chavez were the first man off the truck explosives in hand and destruction in his eyes. Because I very much want this story to be true, I’m going to go ahead and assume that it is. Now, it’s your move, Colombia, make your retaliation a doozy so we can really kick this thing up a notch………

- Prepare to revolt and organize your requisite “I hate new Facebook ___________” groups, Facebook users. That’s the inevitable response any time Facebook institutes a change to its site, whether that change is to layout, function or security. A large chunk of users are pissed no matter what the change is and they (hypocritically) use the very site and technology they are pissed at to organize against…… the very site and technology they are pissed at to organize against. The latest change involves a new photo ulpoader on Facebook, designed to make uploading photos faster and simpler. As of today, the site has introduced a new Photo Uploader Prototype, described as “a preview of an upcoming replacement for the existing Facebook photo uploader. This brand new experience makes use of the new Facebook Plug-In, a light-weight browser plug-in.” Users can activate the new app and begin using it immediately. The process of setting it up is also fairly simple: the first time you launch the uploader, you’ll be asked to install a new Facebook Plugin. The plugin works with all major operating systems - Windows, Mac OS X and Ubuntu Linux 8.04 and up - and should install right in your browser. If not, just download it separately and run the file. Best of all, you don’t even need to restart your browser to use the plugin. Once it’s installed, you’ll see the standard “Create an Album” screen, but when you select “Select Photos,” a different window will pop up than you are used to. The new app allows users to select folders or a folder within a folder, add photos from all over your computer and upload them together. One of the best features is that instead of appearing in a pop-up window that ties you to the upload page, the upload process will now take place in the background, allowing the user to back to using Facebook instead of waiting for the files to upload. Bear in mind that because this app is stil a prototype, threw will undoubtedly be some bugs and issues to work out. If that occurs, you can deactivate the prototype and go back to the old method of uploading. Facebook hopes to have a final version of the app as a permanent replacement for all users soon, so maybe that’s when the protest groups and angry posturing will get going in earnest………

Kansas football in big, FAT trouble, an imbecilic kook risks her life savings and I ponder ways to sue that tool Jon Gosselin

2009-11-18T19:14:00.000-05:00

- This cannot be good news for University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino. I’m already worried about Mangino on a daily basis because dude is so unbelievably, immensely FAT that I worry the stress of being a major-college football coach will ultimately team up with his obesity and deliver a fatal heart attack to the portly coach. That stress is about to go up another notch, as the school announced Tuesday that it is investigating an unspecified personnel issue involving Mangino. A source familiar with the situation claimed that one particular incident allegedly involved Mangino yelling at and making contact with a player earlier this season. Other players have allegedly threatened to transfer because of what they perceive as having been spoken to in an inappropriate manner and still more players and their parents have had meetings with athletic director Lew Perkins about the situation. Perkins met with the entire team Monday night sans Mangino, who has been beset by anger issues throughout his eight-year tenure at UK. Yet even with his team mired in a five-game losing streak, the coach conceded that he's lost the support of "some people around here," but insisted that he still has the support of his team. "I haven't lost the team, not one bit," Mangino said. "I may have lost some people around here but it's not players. Take it for what it's worth. You decipher it and see." So on the one hand, you have these issues stacking up against Mangino and on the other hand, you have the success he’s had since taking over the program in 2002. He led the Jayhawks to their greatest season ever in 2007, a 12-1 record, capped by an Orange Bowl victory over Virginia Tech and Mangino being named Associated Press coach of the year. In response, the athletic department began pouring money into the football program and working upgrading its decaying facilities. Unfortunately, their obese head coach hasn’t exactly followed up that successful 2007 season with anything remotely resembling improvement or elite performance. This season, they built a 5-0 record by playing a schedule full of cupcakes, climbing to No. 16 in the AP poll, before losing five heading into a brutal matchup this week at No. 3 Texas. Hard to imagine players giving their all against a vastly superior opponent for a coach that many of them seem to hate. This new incident is hardly the first time Mangino has been under the microscope for his treatment of players; a few years ago, he became a YouTube legend when cameras caught him angrily cursing a player who drew a penalty for hotdogging. His anger-management issues have even extended to his son’s high school football games, where a run-in with officials during a game led the school to ban Mangino from the sideline. All of this might be swept under the rug if he were running one of the nation’s best programs and winning league titles on a regular basis, but the bottom line is that Mangino is a pedestrian 50-46 overall in his eight seasons at Kansas and an awful 23-39 in the Big 12. My advice to you, coach M., is to lose about 200 pounds, go to anger management and get your life under control before you are a) fired and b) hospitalized for a massive heart attack………....

- A word of advice for you, reality TV knob Jon Gosselin: You need to rethink your plan to sue the TLC network for $5 million. While you may believe that the network and its representatives damaged your reputation and career by preventing you from working with other media outlets, your lawsuit is inspiring an idea in my mind that I think will catch on with the rest of America which, by the way, hates your freaking guts, you IQ-deprived ass clown. While you sue TLC for $5 million, I find myself think that I would like to sue you, Jon Gosselin, for the freaking emotional distress and suffering you have inflicted on me and every other American who has been subjected to even one second of conversation or news about your sorry ass. You, my man, are a random idiot who became quasi-famous only because he knocked up his attention whore of a wife and with the aid of fertility drugs, that pregnancy resulted in sextuplets. You are prolific only in the fact that you have cranked out eight kids, which is eight more than a nincompoop like you should ever be allowed to have. So if you don’t back off your lawsuit against TLC, I’m going to go ahead with my plan to sue you for whatever you might earn from the case, doubled. As for the lawsuit itself, Gosselin alleges that TLC contacted various media outlets he'd been in touch with to persuade them to stop dealing with him. "Their behavior has caused Jon great anguish and it has caused him financial losses," said his attorney, Mark Heller. Heller maintains Gosselin did not have an attorney or a manager present when he signed the contract for "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" with TLC last year. Umm, whose fault would that be? "They had a cadre of lawyers so they had a one-sided agreement," Heller added. No dispute there, counselor. Your client is a moron and the fact is that even if he’d had F. Lee Bailey and Johnnie Cochran in their primes, he would have been totally outclassed and outsmarted – even if TLC were represented by a half-dozen mentally handicapped raccoons. Gosselin’s lawsuit is actually a counterclaim against a lawsuit that TLC has filed against him, but it gives him a chance to claim the network breached its own contract with him and owes him $175,000 for shows that already aired. The contract, dated April 28, 2008, says he gets $22,500 for each half-hour episode and $45,000 for each one-hour episode, according to the lawsuit. The lawsuit was filed in District Court in Rockville, Maryland, where TLC's parent company, Discovery Communications, is based. TLC’s original lawsuit claims that Gosselin is in violation of his contract with them for making paid and unpaid TV appearances without the network's permission. The next hearing in that case will be Dec. 14, giving Gosselin time to waste even more of the world’s time by trying to extract as much time in the public eye as possible while awaiting his eventual slaughter in court……….

- What with our country currently running a national deficit in the trillions of dollars, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the federal government making $98 billion in improper payments in fiscal 2009 is not a good thing. Welcome to life in these here United States, where a new administration has managed to show that it can colossally f*ck up just like the previous one. The 2009 total for improper payments -- from outright fraud to misdirected reimbursements due to factors such as an illegible doctor's signature -- was a 37.5 percent increase over the $72 billion in 2008. Those figures were provided by Peter Orszag, director of the White House Office of Management and Budget. To address the problem, President Obama will issue an executive order in coming days to combat the problem. In a disturbing development, Orszag was unable to provide an overall figure for what percentage of the bad payments was due to fraud, nor could he provide a breakdown on how much of the total improper payments involved spending on Obama's $787 billion economic recovery package passed in February. Instead of those answers, we will get an executive order designed to promote some of the very things Obama promised in his campaign and has thus far failed to deliver: transparency, strengthen accountability and improving the government payment process. "Our goal is to make sure the right person or entity gets the right amount at the right time," Orszag said. He also attempted to deflect blame for the problem by explaining that the increase in the total over the previous year was due in part to improved detection through stricter and expanded accounting methods. In other words, the problem really isn't any worse than in the past, we were just paying closer attention this time. Examples of excess are easy to find, examples like the $24 billion of improper payments in the Medicare fee-for-service health care program for senior citizens. Should Obama and Democratic leaders actually succeed in eliminating more than $100 billion in government subsidies for the Medicare Advantage program in which private insurers supplement standard Medicare coverage and shave the several hundred billion dollars from national health care costs that they are touting, it would be a decisive victory indeed. As for the executive order, it will set up up Web site dashboards for each agency to provide the public with "easy-to-follow" information on improper payments, designate Senate-appointed officials in each agency to be accountable for combating improper payments and require specific plans for reducing improper payments when any agency shows an increase two years in a row. States and local communities will be rewarded for reducing improper payments and penalized for not reporting such offenses. In total, 99 agencies and programs that received $1.98 trillion in 2009, with $98 billion of the money -- or 5 percent -- in improper payments. The most egregious offenders were: $24 billion for Medicare fee-for service, out of a total of $308 billion, $18 billion for Medicaid health care for the poor, out of a total of $188 billion, $12 billion for Medicaid Advantage, out of a total of $77 billion, $12 billion for unemployment insurance, out of a total of $119 billion and 12 billion for the Earned Income Tax Credit, out of a total of $48 billion. In other words, more of the same for a country that is still in need of drastic change……….....

- Tony Dungy is a man of many talents, but he is apparently on some sort of mission to become the Mother Theresa of American football. In addition to his new role as an analyst for NBC on its Sunday night football show, he has spent the past year or so as a mentor to embattled quarterback Michael Vick following Vick’s conviction and jail term for operating a dogfighting ring in his native Virginia. Dungy met with Vick regularly during his time behind bars and has continued to serve as a mentor and role model since Vick’s release from prison. Now that Vick is a member of the Philadelphia Eagles and has managed to stay out of trouble thus far in the season, calling Dungy’s mentoring efforts a success would seem fair. Having gotten one train wreck back on the tracks, Dungy has now set his sights on a new reclamation project: New Mexico football coach Mike Locksley. Locksley, famous for a) guiding his team to a winless season up to this point and b) punching one of his assistant coaches in the head and choking him during a Sept. 20 staff meeting, says he has turned to Tony Dungy as a personal mentor. After losing his first ten games as a head coach and being suspended for blasting one of his assistants in the face, this would seem like a good idea. Dungy is universally respected around the sports world as a man of faith, character and integrity. When he speaks, people listen and they believe what he is telling them. If he is mentoring you and you do enough to earn his trust and convince him that you have changed, his word will count for a lot with the rest of the world. "I see coach Dungy being a guy with a wealth of experience and knowledge, not just in football, but in life," Locksley said. "He's a class act. A guy that I have a ton of respect for and I thought it would be another source of information for me to grow as a head coach." So far, Locksley says their conversations have focused on how his first year on the sideline at New Mexico has "been a whirlwind for me.” The first thing Dungy should advise Locksley to do, aside from not punching any more assistant coaches in the face, is to apologize to former New Mexico coach J.B. Gerald, the man he allegedly choked and punched him during that Sept. 20 attack. Should Dungy be able to bring Locksley’s troubled coaching career back from the brink of disaster on the heels of steering Vick back from disaster, he truly will be on his way to earning the title of the Mother Theresa of the football world……....

- This next story is more than a little kooky. Sure, when most of us go out of town for a few days, we worry about the security of our most valued possessions. Will someone break into our home while we are away and steal our money, jewelry and electronics? We all have those fears, but we don’t all take our life savings to a local Catholic shrine for safekeeping while we’re gone. An unidentified woman in Emmitsburg, Md. decided that this was her best option and elected to quietly leave $40,000 worth of coins, her life savings, at the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes at Mt. St. Mary's University near Emmitsburg. This weirdo claimed she wanted the Virgin Mary to watch over her money while she was out of town, and it apparently worked. When she returned home, she was able to get her money back from operators of the shrine, who thought they had been blessed with a big donation when a groundskeeper found the two plastic freezer bags filled with gold and silver while raking leaves. "I said, 'Why did you leave it there?' And she said, 'Well, I had to go away and I was afraid to leave it and I wanted the Blessed Mother to watch over it for me -- and evidently she did because you found it,"' shrine director William Tronolone said. Apparently grotto visitors often leave anonymous donations, so this wasn’t totally out of the blue. But Tronolone admits that he was surprised when Director the woman approached him after a noon Mass Sunday, six days after the discovery, to ask whether anyone had found the rare coins. Fortunately for her, university officials had had the coins appraised, notified police and placed the rare currency, contained inside two freezer bags and initially covered with leaves, in a safe. Ultimately this situation could be a great thing for this bizarre woman, as the school's security director was able to persuade her to put the coins in her safe deposit box (seriously). That begs the obvious question of why the hell a person wouldn’t just put the coins in the safety deposit box to begin with. Even if you are one of the most religious people in the world and have all the confidence in the world that some inanimate object is watching over you, how is a safety deposit box at some random Maryland bank a terrible option? Besides, the Emmitsburg statue is a replica, not even the real thing. Sure, it draws more than 200,000 visitors annually, but a knockoff statue safeguarding your life savings? As bad as the outlook is for banks these days, I think I’d pick the safety deposit box……..

The Browns manage to lower expectations again, a Canadian takeover in the U.S. and exciting news for Smallville fans

2009-11-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

- Way to go, Cleveland Browns. The entire world already knew what an absolute debacle you were, but somehow you managed to lower that opinion even further with your performance last night on Monday Night Football. For starters, coach (for now) Eric Mangini’s boys were shut out 16-0 by a Baltimore defense that hasn’t exactly been shutting down opposing offenses this season. Then again, it’s reached the point that no matter how well a team performs against the Browns on either side of the ball, you have to totally disregated their success simply because it’s against the Browns. The Browns managed to drag the Ravens down with them in the first half, resulting in a scintillating 0-0 score after two quarters. However, the Ravens broke through for 16 points in the first half of the third period for a 16-0 win. The second half was also where the Browns absolutely unraveled – no surprise with the inept Mangini leading the way. First, after a 41-yard pass play to advance to the Cleveland 13-yard-line, Baltimore hurried to the line to run the next play and caught the Browns unprepared and with only 10 men on the field, one short of the 11 a team is allowed. As the Browns have immense difficulty stopping teams when their full defense is on the field, playing one man short is not a good idea. Predictably, the Ravens scored on the play, a 13-yard touchdown run from Ray Rice. That was the first, but certainly not last, embarrassing moment for the Browns. That came later in the game after quarterback Brady Quinn threw his second interception of the night and rather than attempting to make a tackle, he instead inexplicably dove at the knees of Ravens defensive end Terrell Suggs, a dangerous play that seriously injured Suggs and may end up sidelining him for the rest of the season. The Ravens were understandably pissed by the play and Quinn has been fined by the NFL in addition to apologizing after the face, but none of that is going to repair Suggs’ allegedly torn MCL. It was a dirty play and showed that not only are the Browns untalented, inept, clueless and pathetic, they are also classless and dirty. Oh, and their coaches are absolute morons, too. See, trailing by 16 points and running the last play of the game as the clock ran out, the coaches elected to run a gimmick play featuring multiple laterals and handoffs, all in the hope of scoring a 16-point touchdown that, to the best of my knowledge, doesn’t actually exist in any type of football. On that play, they decided to get the ball to their best player, receiver/kick returner Joshua Cribbs. Why? No idea. Putting him in harm’s way on a meaningless play was a terrible idea and it came back to bite the Browns when Cribbs was belted from behind by a Baltimore defender and suffered a concussion that resutlted in him being hospitalized overnight. All told, a thoroughly pitiful showing by the Browns and proof that no matter how low the bar is set for them, they can always take it down a notch……….

- What? A corrupt account stealing more than $1 million from a client? Who’d have thunk it? William McKernan III of Whitpain Township, Pa., that’s who. Montgomery County authorities have charged McKernan with stealing more than $1 million from a corporate client, which just might be cause for celebration in the opinion of an anti-corporation enthusiast like myself. However, I’m not the one in charge of enforcing the laws in the state of Pennsylvania and as such, McKernan is charged with theft, access device fraud, dealing in proceeds of unlawful activities and related offenses. He is an employee of McKernan PC, an accounting firm located in Blue Bell. K.W. Reese, Inc. hired McKernan PC to handle various professional accounting services and William McKernan III was the primary accountant assigned to handle the account. According to police, he used this opportunity to systematically rip off K.W. Reese by transferring funds from the company’s accounts to his own personal accounts without permission. He then used the money to pay credit card bills and other personal expenses. Now I’m no fraud expert, but that strikes me as far too simplistic a scheme to ever succeed. Shouldn’t you be routing the money through multiple offshore accounts, laundering it and then landing it in an account in a foreign bank set up with a false identity? Transferring it directly to your own personal accounts is basically asking to be caught, idiot. In all, McKernan stole approximately $1,497,693.72. Worse still, when K.W. Reese officials confronted McKernan on the theft, he admitted that he had taken company funds. You can’t even muster an obvious lie? Terrrrible. Call me cynical, but this sort of behavior could well cost McKernan his position as a member of the Whitpain Township Board of Supervisors, where he holds/held the position of treasurer. Something tells me that this idiot will be getting exactly what he deserves for being one of the dumbest, most unimaginative thieves I’ve ever heard of…..ever……

- Look out, y’all: the Canadians are taking over. Bit by bit, they are going to buy up this nation’s unused, irrelevant and out-of-date sports facilities and use them to launch a hostile takeover. The first pawn in this game of real-estate chess is the Pontiac Silverdome, located just north of Detroit. An unidentified Canadian real estate company was the winning bidder for the Silverdome, snatching it up for a mere fraction of its original value. The Toronto-based family-owned company bid $583,000 for stadium on Monday, purchasing it from the City of Pontiac, Mich. If that isn't bad enough, the new buyer plans to use the venue to attempt to further one of the most irrelevant, ignored sports ventures in the United States: Major League Soccer. Yes, after sinking half a million dollars into a useless property, this company plans to devalue the Silverdome even further by refurbishing the Silverdome into a stadium for men's Major League Soccer and women's professional soccer teams. Sure, the stadium played host to a World Cup game in 1994, but people care even less about soccer now than they did in 1994. "The Silverdome will now be in the hands of professionals who can devote their time to transform this high-profile property into a vital asset instead of enabling it to continue to languish as an empty facility," said Fred Leeb, the emergency financial planner for Pontiac. The city is clearly viewing this as a big win and in the short-term, financial sense, it may be. Pontiac, like the rest of Michigan, has fallen on hard financial times and earlier this year, GM announced it would close a truck plant, taking about 1,400 jobs from the city. Bearing its bleak financial status in mind, continuing to pay $1.5 million in annual upkeep for the stadium was a tough sell. Having the Silverdome owned by a private company will bring in tax revenue, but at what cost? It gives those damn Canadians a foothold in this country that we don’t need them having. I shudder at the thought of foreigners owning the venue where Wrestle Mania III took place in 1987. On that day, 93,000 fans packed into the stadium to watch Hulk Hogan body-slam Andre the Giant. Now…..1,420 fans are going to pack the equivalent of two or three sections of the lower bowl in the event that these freaking Canadians ever convince MLS to give them a team………

- Good news for all the Smallville fans out there…..no, the über-hot Kristin Kreuk isn't coming back to the show, sadly. Besides, that would actually be great news. No, the good news is that the CW (killer of all good, well-written shows with heart) has decided to package Smallville’s upcoming Justice Society-themed two-parter into a two-hour movie event airing on Feb. 5. The episodes, written by Jeff Johns, were originally titled “Society” and “Legends” and they will feature such DC Comics legends as Stargirl, Hawkman, and Dr. Fate. The episodes were originally scheduled to air separately in consecutive weeks at the show’s normal 8 p.m. Friday time slot, but show executives apparently felt that they could generate more buzz by combining them into a single super-entity. As such, the two-hour Justice Society-themed “movie” is now an actual movie titled Smallville: Absolute Justice. The move will air just like a normal two-hour special, although the air date has changed from Jan. 29 to Feb. 5. That all being said, I am pumped to see the movie and to see how it’s worked into the storyline of this season. Also, seeing some truly iconic DC Comics characters share the screen with Clark Kent should be interesting, even if the smokin’ hot Kristin Kreuk is (sadly) not involved in the show……….

- Are you ready? No, I asked….ARE….YOU…..READY? You had better be, because countries and nation-states around the world are lining up for a "Cyber Cold War," amassing cyberweapons, conducting espionage, and testing networks in preparation for using the Internet to conduct war. That’s according to a new report to be released on Tuesday by software maker McAfee. The global powers lining up for this new type of cold war include the U.S., Israel, Russia and China. The report, authored by former White House Homeland Security adviser Paul Kurtz and based on interviews with more than 20 experts in international relations, national security and Internet security, paints a bleak and disturbing picture of the global online scene. "We don't believe we've seen cases of cyberwarfare," said Dmitri Alperovitch, vice president of threat research at McAfee. "Nations have been reluctant to use those capabilities because of the likelihood that [a big cyberattack] could do harm to their own country. The world is so interconnected these days." That is true, but we’ve been hearing threats and rumors of cyberwarfare for decades. It’s common knowledge that the U.S. critical infrastructure is vulnerable, so there is clearly danger there for America. What’s new is that experts see patterns indicating that there is increasing intelligence gathering and building of sophisticated cyberattack capabilities. "While we have not yet seen a 'hot' cyberwar between major powers, the efforts of nation-states to build increasingly sophisticated cyberattack capabilities, and in some cases demonstrate a willingness to use them, suggest that a 'Cyber Cold War' may have already begun," the report says. In cyberattacks, pinpointing the exact source is nearly impossible and motives are even more difficult to discern. At this point, any identification of an attack is largely speculation. For example, the July 4 attacks denial-of-service on Web sites in the U.S. and South Korea are believed by some to have been a test by an foreign entity to see if flooding South Korean networks and the transcontinental communications between the U.S. and South Korea would disrupt the ability of the U.S. military in South Korea to communicate with military leaders in Washington, D.C., and the Pacific Command in Hawaii. The report wraps with a cryptic warning that the frequency and ferocity of cyberattacks will undoubtedly increase rapidly in the years ahead. "Over the next 20 to 30 years, cyberattacks will increasingly become a component of war," William Crowell, a former NSA deputy director, is quoted as saying. "What I can't foresee is whether networks will be so pervasive and unprotected that cyberwar operations will stand alone." In other words, get ready for the second coming of the Cold War, except that this time actual attacks may occur…………

Recapping Heroes, saluting a great NFL owner and Verizon is eager to dick over its customers

2009-11-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

- Trying to self-eject from your current cell phone contract is always a costly proposition, regardless of your carrier. However, it’s about to become even costlier for customers of one prominent cell phone company. Verizon users, prepare to be f*cked over. Starting this week, if you want to get out of your contract and pick up an iPhone or simply a new carrier for the Droid you are looking to purchase odds are that Verizon is going to rape your wallet for all it can get – even more than it did previously. Currently the ETF starts at $175 and is pro-rated by $5 each month you’re in your contract, but as of this week the fee will double if you’ve bought a smartphone or other mobile the carrier considers an “advanced device” high-end enough to warrant a steep $350 penalty for ditching. Your best move is waiting until as close to the end of your contract as possible, because that $350 starting fee drops by $10 a month. Of course, this entire scam occurs because phone companies give you a discount on new phones when you sign up for a two-year contract (standard) because they figure they will pry that cash from your hands over the course of your contract, thanks in part to the overage fees and other nice extras they ding you for. News of the supersized early termination fee has pissed off a lot of people, including some senators. Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) has said that she plans to introduce new legislation to prevent wireless carriers from unfairly raising penalties on costumers who cancel their contracts early. Klobuchar wrote to the FCC, "Verizon Wireless' decision shows us once again that the wireless industry cannot police itself and will not, on its own, make its practices more competitive and consumer-friendly. who seeks to block the deal.” Rarely do I find myself agreeing with legislators (mostly because I actually have a soul and at least a shred of integrity), but I wholeheartedly agree with Sen. Klobuchar here. Stop dicking over the little guy, Verizon, just because your feelings are hurt when they look to juke you and switch to a new carrier and phone they like better………….

- She may have had to go to another country to do it, but Michelle Wie finally won her first LPGA Tour title Sunday. After nearly a decade of being a tall, awkward golf prodigy with overbearing parents, a sense of entitlement and no on-course success to back up her immense game, Wie used a 3-under 69 Sunday for a two-stroke victory over Paula Creamer in the Lorena Ochoa Invitational in Guadalajara, Mexico. She capped her win by nearly holing out from a greenside bunker shot on the 18th hole and then tapping in for a birdie. "It's definitely off by my back," she said. "I think that hopefully life will be a lot better, but I still have a lot of work to do." She celebrated her win by raising both of her arms in the air, turning to the gallery and letting out a big sigh of relief. Her thoughts were expressed, in grammatically stunted form, on her Twitter page shortly after the big win. "Wowww-w-w ...... never thought this would feel THIS great!!!!" she posted on her Twitter account. It was also funny to see the aftermath of Wie’s win, with Solheim Cup teammates Morgan Pressel and Creamer showered Wie with beer on the 18th green after the winning put. "Just seeing them come out and pour beer all over me, it was a great feeling," Wie said. "I've always seen it on TV and I've always wanted people to pour beer on me. It was as great as I thought it was." Hmm, why would someone who is still not of legal drinking age be so pumped about people pouring beer all over her? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Wie has enjoyed an alcoholic beverage or five in her life. Her aforementioned overbearing parents, dad B.J. and mom Bo, were predictably there to celebrate the victory. It came on a day when Wie seemingly embraced Tiger Woods’ tradition of wearing red on the final day of a tournament and took it to the extreme, clad in red from head to toe. She won despite sporting a bulky brace to provide stability for her injured right ankle. Hopefully this win inspires her to accomplish more on the LPGA Tour and not to revisit her regrettable habit of playing events on the men’s tour, which invariably ended in disaster. Congrats on the win, Michelle, here’s hoping you go on to realize your immense potential and become a dominating force in a sport that no one cares about or ever will care about……..

- Tonight was actually a solid episode of Heroes and not just because it marked the return of my man Mohinder Suresh and featured some Hiro Nakamura time-travel antics. Hiro was at the heart of it all, facing a demand from the megalomaniacal Samuel Sullivan to teleport back in time eight weeks to retrieve a roll of film that was destroyed. Doing so is the only way Hiro can save his beloved Charlie after she was banished to another place in time by Samuel and his friends last episode. Blackmailing Hiro is how Samuel intends to get his film and so Hiro complies. In going back, he meets Mohinder, whose journey since the end of last season has apparently taken him back to a professorship in India and his wife Mira. He’s given up his father’s research into people with powers and when Mira digs up a box of Chandra Suresh’s research that Mohinder has hung onto, he agrees to throw it away. But late at night, he can’t help himself an digs the box out of the garbage. Inside is a film from his father’s work at the Coyote Sands research facility that was featured extensively in last season’s final few episodes. On the film, he sees exposition of the story of a pregnant woman at the camp and her gifted child, who literally causes an earthquake when he is born. That baby is Samuel Sullivan and he is central to Chandra Suresh’s theory that when PWP gather together, their power is magnified. Samuel seems the most affected by this phenomenon and has the potential to increase his powers one thousand fold if he can gather enough PWP. That would explain his carnival and desire to recruit new PWP to join. The caveat is that, at the time Mohinder discovers the film, Samuel has no idea of his powers. When Mohinder uses his father’s research to build a compass (i.e. Samuel’s compass that he uses and which has appeared prominently throughout this season) and it leads him to the Sullivan Bros. carnival in Texas, he meets Joseph, Samuel’s brother who we know is deceased in the present day. Joseph shields his brother from Mohinder and then informs Mohinder that he’s been keeping Samuel’s powers secret because he knows how powerful he could become. Mohinder is sent away with a promise that Joseph will continue to keep up the lie, but it turns out that Samuel overhears the conversation and follows Mohinder to his hotel room. However, he arrives too late an Mohinder is burning the film by the time Samuel shows up. This is the wrong that Samuel, his present day self anyhow, wants Hiro to fix. And so Hiro does, traveling back in time and swapping the film out for a dummy roll and accomplishing his mission. However, he also saves Mohinder’s life in the process. On his first teleporting attempt, he arrived after Samuel killed Mohinder in anger, but on his second attempt Hiro protects his friend by fitting him with a bulletproof vest that stops the flying shards of stone that Samuel used to kill Mohinder the first time around. Even after having his life saved, Mohinder refuses to cooperate with Hiro as he attempts to save Charlie. Hiro wants Mohinder to lay low for the next eight weeks because Samuel thinks he’s dead and if he’s not, Samuel might not help him get Charlie back. Mohinder says no and Hiro rectifies the problem by stopping time, then teleporting with Mohinder to Baudelaire, Fla., where he places him in the Riverdale psychological facility under a false name, keeping Mohinder hidden for now. Hiro then travels back to the future, film in hand, and turns it over to Samuel. Samuel promises that he’ll get Charlie back soon, but the promise seems dubious at best. Meanwhile, Tracy Strauss is in Washington, D.C. and has a crisis on her hands. She is losing control of her powers and freezing everything in sight. Her first instinct is to run to her pal Noah Bennet for help, but he’s not home and she elects to wait inside his apartment. The first Bennet to arrive is actually Claire and after her initial surprise at finding an intruder, she tries to help Tracy, first by having her soak in a tub full of boiling hot water and then by making her some hot tea. Those attempts fail and Tracy manages to freeze even the hot bath water. She walks into the kitchen and when Claire touches her accidentally, Tracy freezes her too. A popsicled Claire falls to the floor, where Tracy tries to drag her to the bathroom to warm her up with hot water. However, Claire’s foot breaks off on the way and Tracy is distraught to the point of tears. Claire is obvisouly fine, as her power to heal from any wound takes over and she grows a new foot. Afterwar, the two sit down for a nice talk and Claire manages to calm Tracy to the point that she’s able to gain control over her powers. Noah arrives home to find the two sitting on the couch talking, with a severed foot on the table nearby. During the conversation, Tracy also mentions her encounter with Samuel and her plans to possibly go join his carnival. Upon leaving Noah’s apartment, Tracy meets Samuel at a neary diner and starts the process. Speaking of processes, Nathan Petrelli is in the process of trying to figure out why he hasn’t felt like himself lately. He and brother Peter embark on something of a tour of Nathan’s life, including a visit to his Senate office. There, Nathan’s aide welcomes him back from vacation – a vacation he doesn’t remember. Nathan’s mother Angela has told the vacation lie to cover up his recent disappearace. While at the office, the Haitian, a.k.a. Rene, visits and asks to talk to Peter. He hands Peter the location of a storage center where he should go if he “wants to know the truth.” Peter and Nathan go to the facility – the same one where Peter found files and weapons stored by H.R.G. last season – and inside is a casket. The casket contains Nathan’s body, the one Sylar killed in last season’s finale before having his own mind forced out of his body by Matt Parkman so Nathan’s mind could be inserted. Touching the body, memories of that day flood back to Nathan. He and Peter decide to find Parkman for answers. Nathan’s aide tracks Parkman down in the hospital in Texas, where he resides after being shot by the police last episode in an attempt to kill Sylar, who currently resides inside his mind, haunting him. The Petrelli brothers sneak into Parkman’s hospital room so Peter can use his new power to heal others. Peter sucks the injury and sickness out of Parkman and Parkman wakes up. Unfortunately, this also brings Sylar back to life in Parkman’s mind. Matt tries to explain what he did to Nathan and Sylar but Sylar turns the tables by taking back control of Parkman’s body and trying to talk Nathan into taking his hand, thus allowing Sylar to transfer himself back into his own body. Trapped outside of his body, Parkman pleads with Nathan not to, as does Peter. Hospital security barges into the room trying to stop the incident, but Nathan/Sylar throws Peter aside, brushes the hand of Sylar/Parkman (confusing, I know) and then grabs Peter before flying out the window. It’s unclear if the transfer was made, but afterward Parkman is back to normal. He uses his mind control powers to talk his way out of the hospital and into the “borrowed” uniform of a police officer, then calls his wife Janice to tell her that he’s okay. Peter and Nathan land in a mountainous region in an undisclosed location and Nathan tells Peter that he can’t be near people right now. Peter convinces him otherwise and after absorbing Nathan’s power to fly, they take off and return to Peter’s apartment in New York. There, Nathan ruminates on his predicament, not knowing who he really is and if Sylar is in fact back in his body. He worries that from now on, whenever Peter looks at him, all he will see is Sylar, a man who has murdered dozens of people. The episode ends there, leaving a Thanksgiving-themed episode next week to continue the drama………

- Score one for the suppression of information and against those kooks at the American Civil Liberties Union, courtesy of the Pentagon, which is blocking public release of photos apparently depicting abuse of suspected terrorists and foreign troops in U.S. custody. The military is also imploring the Supreme Court to dismiss a lower court ruling ordering the photos to be publicly disclosed. Those revelations come from Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who notified the high court late Friday that he was issuing an order to block the release of the images, which are at the center of a years-long lawsuit by the ACLU. Joining Gates on the side of censorship is Congress, which last month gave the Obama administration specific authority to prevent any release of the 44 photos. Gates followed that up by signing a certificate of authorization to prevent the photos' release, saying their disclosure would endanger U.S. troops serving abroad. It’s a blanket authorization, covering all photographs taken of people captured or detained in overseas military operations between September 11, 2001 and January 22, 2009. The decision marks a stark reversal for the Pentagon, which was all set to release the images of Iraqi and Afghan prisoners in response to a Freedom of Information Act request filed by the ACLU. Obama and the Justice Department would have none of it and reversed the earlier executive decision, a move that surprised many. I find the whole situation comical because those who oppose the photos’ release argue that the images could incite anti-American sentiment for our enemies. Umm, I’m fairly certain that such hate exists in abundant qualities all around the globe and at this point, those enemies know that we tortured and tormented captives, whether they have pictures to fill in the exact details or not. This does put me in an awkward position, as I hate the ACLU but also disagree with the decision not to release the photos. The ACLU has ripped Obama for the decision, saying it "makes a mockery" of Obama's campaign promise of greater transparency and accountability. The images were gathered as part of a military investigation into allegations of abuse against prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan. According to documents in the investigation, some the pictures show "soldiers pointing pistols or rifles at the heads of hooded and handcuffed detainees," while other images allegedly show prisoners in restrained and humiliating positions. The New York-based 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in September 2008 that the photos must be released, but that decision has yet to be enforced as the case, Department of Defense v. ACLU (09-160), winds its way through the court system. Stay tuned to see which despicable side wins out in this case………

- The NFL might not be down with Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams hitting Buffalo Bills fans with a double middle-finger salute near the end of his team’s 41-17 win in Nashville Sunday, but I certainly am. Any time an 86-year-old dude wants to bust out the double bird, it’s cool with me. Adams was seen making the gesture while in his luxury suite and again on the field after the game. The gestures were caught on video and posted on YouTube within a few hours. In the video, Adams can be seen in a YouTube video flashing the hook 'em sign of the Texas Longhorns, whom Titans quarterback Vince Young played for, before extending each hand with the middle finger individually, then together, after pointing toward the Bills' sideline. For some odd reason, the league has fined Adams $250,000 for the incident, terming it conduct detrimental to the NFL. I’m deeply disappointed in Adams for kowtowing to the NFL and acting all contrite and apologetic in the aftermath of his obscene display. He issued a statement, saying: "I need to apologize for my actions yesterday near the end of the game. I got caught up in the excitement of a great day, but I do realize that those types of things shouldn't happen. I need to specifically apologize to the Bills, their fans, our fans and the NFL. "I obviously have a great deal of respect for [Bills owner] Ralph Wilson and the history we have shared. I also understand there will probably be league discipline for my actions and I will accept those." Don’t apologize, Bud. An 86-year-old dude with enough attitude and toughness to hit people with a double bird is cool in my book. Most people of any age don’t have enough testicular fortitude to blast people with two middle fingers, let alone a senior citizen. Making it that much better is the fact that commissioner Roger Goodell was at the game after having breakfast with Adams. He supposedly didn’t witness the double bird, having left Adams' suite at the end of the third quarter and spent the fourth quarter sitting with fans in the end zone before leaving the stadium. Personally I don’t believe Adams should be fined for showing some (obscene) team pride; perhaps he should be rewarded. Way to stay classy, Bud………

Bitter NFL legends speaking out, apocalyptic doom reigns at the box office and people who oppose the combination of caffeine and booze

2009-11-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

- I’ve found something about the National Football League that I like even better than the awesome action on the field: bitter NFL legends. John Riggins, former Washington Redskins great, was the first to speak out this season against the inept current installment of his team. Riggins, a.k.a. Riggo, had been busy ripping the Redskins on his Twitter page, but that just wasn’t enough. He kicked it up a notch by posting a YouTube video in which he told Redskins coach Jim Zorn that he wasn’t qualified to coach anything beyond pee-wee football, told general manager Vinny Cerrato that he should give up GM work to focus on his true passion, TV and radio, and basically tore owner Daniel Snyder a new one in a variety of ways. The video itself was great because it showed Riggo in a nondescript sweatshirt and casual clothing, sitting in what appeared to be his back yard with a pile of stacked firewood at his back. That was followed by a recent TV interview in which he accused Snyder of being a terrible human being with “a black heart.” Were Riggo alone in his bitterness and willingness to rip those currently playing and working in the NFL, that would be fine. But Riggo has company and it comes from none other than hall of famer Fran Tarkenton, a legendary quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings who has not shied away from taking shots at those now in the league. I already loved Tarkenton for stepping up to crush that self-centered, egotistical a-hole Brett Favre for his constant game of retirement chicken and his belief that the entire football world revolves around him. Now, Tarkenton is zoning in on another current NFL quarterback, one to whom he has no apparent ties. Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is the current target of Tarkenton’s ire even though Tark admits he hasn't seen much of Jay Cutler. Following Cutler’s five-interception performance against San Francisco Thursday night, Tarkenton appeared on a local radio show in Chicago and lit up Cutler. "I really question whether he can play," Tarkenton said Friday. "Quarterbacks need to make their team better. If it's a bad team, they can even make a bad team better. Somebody may say well, even Peyton Manning couldn't help the Bears. Yes, he could. Tom Brady could, too. They might not win the championship or get to the playoffs, but they would make that team better. Those wide receivers who are struggling would be better because they would make them better." Way to throw a guy you don’t even know under the bus, F. Sure, Tarkenton led the Vikings to three Super Bowls in the 1970s, but what did Cutler do to him that was so terrible? You question whether he can play? Nothing like overreacting after a couple of bad games, eh Tark? But I’m willing to overlook any potential accuracy or fairness concerns here because I’m just so amused by the sudden willingness of former greats to openly and bitterly rip their present-day counterparts. Bitter on, old NFLers…………

- Clearly the moviegoers of the world like hearing about their own impending doom, because Roland Emmerich’s end-of-the world tale 2012 took in an estimated $65 million in the United States and an additional $160 million overseas in its opening weekend. I’d chalk it up to the unquestionable star power of John Cusack – if such a power existed. With a $200 million budget, it appeared that Sony Pictures would be hard-pressed to break even or make much of a profit on the movie, but the film blew right past the break-even mark in a matter of days. It was followed in the earnings race by Disney’s A Christmas Carol, which dropped only 26 percent in its second weekend and brought in $22.3 million, including 14 percent of its take from 182 IMAX runs. The weekend was not so productive for George Clooney’s The Men Who Stare At Goats, which grossed $6.2 million for third place, putting its ten-day cumulative at $23 million. Fourth place belonged to Lionsgate’s Precious, which continues to be a box office force despite still being in limited release. Even after adding 156 theaters to its opening weekend run, the film earned $6 million this weekend, for an impressive per-screen average of $35,000. In only two weeks of very limited release, the movie has raked in close to $9 million. Coming in fifth was (sadly) Michael Jackson’s This is It, which lost 61 percent (woo hoo!) and made just $5.1 million. Even with a disappointing weekend, this abortion of a movie has now earned $67 million in its three weeks in release and is set to stay in theaters through Thanksgiving weekend. It was an equally bad weekend for the Philip Seymour Hoffman-led Pirate Radio, which finished outside of the top ten with only $2.8 million. Oh, and I can save you some time in figuring out what next weekend at the movies will look like; The Twilight Saga: New Moon will set all sorts of records and be the top movie between Lord knows the world can't get enough of vampire romance……………

- It seemed like the perfect marriage: alcohol and caffeine. After all, who doesn’t love vodka + Red Bull? Well, the Food and Drug Administration would seem to be one such non-fan, as evidenced by the fact that it has notified about 30 manufacturers of alcoholic beverages containing added caffeine that it intends to take a closer look at their products. The FDA apparently has concerns over whether the products are a) safe and b) legal. Alcohol with caffeine as found in products such as 24/7 made by Mix Master Beverage Co. and Joose by United Brands Co., are now under fire because attorneys general from states including Connecticut, Utah, California and New York are a bunch of whiny b*tches, basically. In September, 18 of these tools sent a letter to the FDA outlining why they consider such drinks dangerous. Sure, they have a collection of doctors and scientists who have conducted research on the subject behind them, but since when do we give a damn what doctors and scientists think? I don’t care if this collection of fools can point to several studies that showed stimulants such as caffeine mask the intoxicating effects of alcohol and could lead to increased risk-taking and other alcohol-related problems such as violence and traffic accidents. One particular study the letter to the FDA cites, done last year, found usage to be nearly 30 percent among college students, in whom the beverages are associated with "heavy episodic drinking and episodes of weekly drunkenness." Umm, guys…..nearly everything is associated with heavy drinking and “episodes of weekly drunkenness” with college students – beer, vodka, gin, rum, tequila….you name it and if it has alcohol in it, college students will get drunk on it. “The increasing popularity of consumption of caffeinated alcoholic beverages by college students and reports of potential health and safety issues necessitates that we look seriously at the scientific evidence as soon as possible," said Dr. Joshua Sharfstein, principal deputy commissioner of food and drugs. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, I realize that any ingredient added to food or beverages requires FDA approval, but mixing a little booze with your energy drink is a win-win for everyone except über-conservative losers who don’t know how to have fun. These poor drink makers should not be under the gun with 30 days to provide safety data to support claims that the caffeine use is generally recognized as safe; they should simply be allowed to go about their business. Don’t back down, y’all, and tell these attorneys general and the FDA to suck it…………

- There are two different types of robbers in this world: those who take time to heat up a bottle for crying infants during a robbery and those who don’t. Police in Indianapolis are looking for the former following a home robbery Friday morning. The two suspects were robbing a home in the 6100 block of East 21st Street just after 8:30 a.m. Friday morning after forcing their way inside. These two approached the home asking for jumper cables for a broken down car, but they were merely casing the joint. They returned later in the morning and forced their way into the home, tying up two adults and a teenager. One of the robbers then pulled out a shotgun and used it to club the two adults in the head. "Then he hit me again over the head and that was it," said Morgan Adams. "It was lights out. I woke up to my buddy untying me." After rendering their two biggest threats neutralized, the robbers began pillaging the house – until the crying baby caught their attention. “And then at that point my smallest baby starts to cry," said Ronnell Griffie. "So I asked them, 'Is there any possibility that you can let my oldest son feed little Jaylin?' The robbers consented to the request and actually helped by warming the bottle himself in the microwave.  In the end, the robbers got away and are still at large, considered armed and dangerous. They were described as two black males, one light skinned and the other dark skinned. Now, on to the sort of robbers who aren’t quite as considerate. Michael Noyer of New Hampshire was attempting to rob a Pine Street apartment Thursday night when the homeowner spotted Noyer in his daughter’s bedroom. The homeowner awakened to the sound of something in his daughter’s room and initially thought it was a cat. When he went to investigate, he found Noyer hiding behind a door. He attempted to pin Noyer behind the door while the girl's mother called 911, but Noyer was able to escape. However, he left a souvenir behind that ultimately led to his arrest. Seems that my boy M. Noyer dropped his day planner (Who the hell still uses a day planner?) containing an unemployment check with his name on it. Police went straight to the apartment at the address listed on the check and spotted Noyer riding a bike. When they yelled at him to stop, he ran inside the building. And why did he flee? Well, aside from the obvious, it appears Noyer was also trying to hide some oxycodone inside a hole in the bathroom wall. Ah, so many things to cover up, so little time before you are arrested. But notice that in all of this, something Noyer did not do was take time to stop and do something helpful for those he was attempting to rob, something like heating up a bottle for a crying baby. Take time to give back when you are looking to break into someone’s home and thieve their personal possessions and you just might get some better karma coming your way……….

- Now is not a great time to be a major rock band. Aerosmith is on the verge of making a colossal blunder by trying to replace frontman Steven Tyler and Oasis is forging ahead sans lead singer Noel Gallagher. Both bands have been perpetually on the verge of imploding for nearly every moment of their existence, but having that reality finally come true is disheartening. It’s more jarring to hear Joe Perry, bard Whitford, etc. talk about replacing Tyler simply because Aerosmith has been around much longer, but having former Oasis guitarist and vocalist Liam Gallagher say that he and all of the other members of the band - aside from his brother Noel - are writing songs and will continue to perform as a new group is also jarring. "We're sort of doing things at the moment," he said. "Not Oasis, Oasis is done. Everyone except for Noel." I suppose I shouldn’t begrudge Liam Gallagher and the remaining members of the band their chance to continue making music; after all, Liam Gallagher founded the band in 1991 with Paul Arthurs, Paul McGuigan and Tony McCaroll. Even though Noel joined shortly thereafter and took over as Oasis' lead songwriter and its biggest ego, the band was no more his than those who preceded him in it. By the time the band fractured in August and pulled the plug at the last minute on several major festival gigs, the Gallagher brothers were the longest-standing members of the band. The rest of the current lineup included guitarist/keyboardist Colin Archer, bassist Andy Bell and drummer Chris Sharrock. As with Tyler’s decision to leave his Aerosmith bandmates, it was Laim Gallagher’s choice to quit Oasis. “It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight," Gallagher wrote on the band's website. "People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer. It's a shame but that's life. We had a good run at it. The thing about Oasis is, no one ... we ended Oasis. No one ended it for us. Which was pretty, kind of... cool. I'm thinking of what the next step is musically, which is all my mind's on." Liam Gallagher also seems to have landed in a solid place, musically and creatively. He added: "I'll be doing music to the day I die. People will be able to buy his [Noel's] records. People will be able to buy our records. So everyone's happy." Well, everyone except those who were fans of Oasis. And I’m pretty sure that no matter what the brothers Gallagher say, they are very much still hating one another and will likely take some shots at one another in the months ahead………

New reasons to be thankful on Thanksgiving, college football thoughts and mocking scam victims

2009-11-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

- I’ve found a little something extra to be thankful for this year, courtesy of ABC. When everyone is counting their blessings, I will be exceptionally thankful……that I am not watching the canned, over-produced, slick-and-glossy back-to-back one-hour specials on Paul McCartney and Beyoncé on Thanksgiving night. Sure, I am a huge Beatles fan and thus like McCartney overall, but I am a) not a huge fan of his solo work and b) even less of a fan of canned, lame televised specials on stars designed to give a “personal glimpse into” their lives. Make no mistake about it, these specials are neither real nor genuine and they most definitely do not give you an authentic look into a star’s life. By agreeing to do these specials, the stars basically receive a free one-hour infomercial for themselves in which they will be portrayed in as positive a light as possible at all times. You won't see anything unflattering or unimpressive and you’ll be subjected to a whole lot of that star and those around them talking about how great they are and promoting their work. To top it off…..umm, Beyoncé sucks. Sorry y’all, but she sucks. Her music is pop garbage under a slight R&B/dance influence and it’s horrible. Her voice is decent, but her music is overproduced, fake and far too slick and polished. As much as Jay-Z loves her as big a hip-hop legend as he is, I’m not going to like Beyoncé’s music simply because she’s his wife. I don’t want to see or hear her perform and I’m not wasting an hour of my Thanksgiving (or any other day) on a TV special featuring her. When her one-hour special airs at 9 p.m., featuring a Beyoncé concert that was taped over the summer in Las Vegas, I won't be watching. I still won't be watching at 10 p.m. when the McCartney special that includes highlights from his July concert at Citi Field in New York City airs. I will watch neither of these hideous productions and that is something I (and anyone who doesn’t watch them) can truly be thankful for…………

- Of all the college football thoughts floating around in my mind right now, the dominant one has to be: Back to the shallow end of the pool, Iowa. Nothing was funnier than watching the stunned expressions on the faces of Iowa fans in Columbus after their team tried and failed to pull off yet another miracle rally to win yet another game they didn’t deserve to win. This time, the Hawkeyes lost 27-24 to Ohio State in overtime, their second straight loss. With the win, Ohio State officially claimed the Big Ten title and the league’s BCS bid. With the loss, Iowa……well, they basically bought themselves a ticket to a bowl more on their level, the Capital One Bowl or something similar. For the Iowa fans who were trying to argue as recently as kickoff of last week’s loss to Northwestern that their unbeaten Hawkeyes were national champion material…..like I said, back to the shallow end of the pool You’ll be joined there by USC, which not only lost its third game of the season, not only suffered its third conference loss of the season, not only saw its BCS hopes die, but was curb-stomped at home by Stanford, 55-21. The Cardinal racked up the most post ever against USC and embarrassed Pete Carroll’s troops in the process, running at will on the same damn power running play over and over again. At 7-3, USC won't be winning the Pac-10 for the first time in seven years and they won't be in a BCS bowl game. On the flip side, the six remaining unbeatens all held up their end of the bargain over the weekend. Cincinnati saw injured quarterback Tony Pike return in a limited role in a 24-21 win Friday night against No. 25 West Virginia. That kept the No. 5 Bearcats unbeaten, but their win definitely wasn’t as impressive as fourth-ranked TCU, which b*tch-slapped No. 16 Utah by a 55-28 count to stake its claim as one of college football’s best. Debuting ugly new uniforms by Nike, the Horned Frogs blocked punts, forced fumbles and got big plays on offense for a big win. Florida and Alabama both ground out ugly wins against overmatched SEC foes, with Florida needing all 60 minutes to dispose of unranked South Carolina, 24-14. Tim Tebow was good but not great once again and in my mind, proved that he belongs nowhere near the Heisman Trophy race this season. Alabama wasn’t exactly inspiring in dispatching Mississippi State 31-3, but that’s no stunner. Florida will crush Alabama in the SEC title game in two weeks, not a doubt in my mind. Second-ranked Texas raced out to a 40-0 halftime lead against Baylor and played its scrubs in the second half of a 47-14 win that was even easier than the score would indicate. Oh, and Colt McCoy doesn’t deserve to be in the Heisman race either; his 17 touchdowns against nine interceptions aren’t nearly enough. The final unbeaten was No. 6 Boise State, which proved that while in-state rival Idaho is much better this season, the Vandals still don’t belong on the same field as the Broncos. Boise State scored early and often, left its starters in late and routed Idaho 63-25 on the strength of five touchdowns from quarterback Kellen Moore, who has 32 touchdown passes, only three interceptions, more yards than Tebow or McCoy and should be one of the leaders in the Heisman race. Other interesting games on the day involved unranked Notre Dame further helping push the eject button on Charlie Weis’ tenure in South Bend by failing to show up for a scheduled game in Pittsburgh and losing 27-22, Michigan continuing an incredibly slide into the crapper by losing 45-24 to Wisconsin for a fifth straight Big Ten loss and a distinct chance of missing out on a bowl game for the second time in two years under coach Rich-er Fraud-riguez and fellow Big Ten-er Minnesota needing a late field goal to scrape by Div. 1-AA South Dakota State, 16-13. The Big 12 North continues to be the worst division in all of college football, as division leader Kansas State was throttled by a mediocre Missouri team 38-12, giving way to Nebraska, which seized the division lead by defeating Kansas 31-17, setting up a clash of the terrible titans next week against Kansas State to see which one of them Texas will massacre in the Big 12 title game in a couple of weeks. There were some exciting games overall, but a whole lot of blowouts, especially in the top 25. What I love is that six unbeatens remain and while only five can stay that way, five unbeaten teams would totally f*ck up the BCS and provide even more proof how big a piece of sh*t the system is and how much college football needs a playoff………

- Boy, oh boy! We have another investment scheme on our hands and you know how I love to hear about slimy, greasy scam artists bilking stupid, naïve and clueless people out of their hard-earned money! Step right up, Fort Lauderdale attorney Scott Rothstein, don’t be shy. The FBI and IRS believe Rothstein swindled $1 billion from his victims and are currently seeking a) his co-conspirators and b) possible additional victims. As with most con men, Rothstein allegedly sold bogus settlements and promised huge returns to people who invested millions. How people who were smart enough to earn that much money in the first place were also dumb enough to fall for such outrageous promises is a bit perplexing, but let’s plow ahead. This is a big case for the FBI, with agent John Gillies, the special agent in charge at the FBI's Miami District Office, claiming it could be one of the largest investigations the office has ever seen. It’s worth nothing that at this point, Rothstein has not been arrested and no charges have been filed against him. “There are voluminous records that the agents are going through. Each record is another investigative lead, and we are conducting this investigation in a timely manner, but we will not be rushed. We will be thorough, and we are far from over,” Gillies said. "As we continue to look through this alleged scheme and the various tentacles that we continue to uncover, I'm letting the public know that this case is going to take time.” At this point, at least a dozen FBI agents are working on the case, along with an equal number of IRS agents. One advantage Rothstein has at this point is that he was in Morocco when the allegations broke, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting out of the United States to go into hiding, er, avoid facing justice, er, get away to clear his mind. But that doesn’t seem to worry Gillies, who vowed to bring Rothstein to justice if he is indeed guilty. "He can run, but he can't hide," Gillies said. Now, if you believe that you or someone you know may have been a victim of Rothstein’s scam, you are encouraged to contact the FBI’s Miami office. Of course, my argument is these cases is always that people dumb enough to be bilked by such blatantly obvious scams don’t deserve to have anyone fight for them, but leave it to the FBI to disagree…………

- I’ve never run the government of a major world power, but I have to assume that when one finds oneself in that position, having to leave a major international summit because a member of your country’s military has been accused of spying for a foreign government is a tad awkward. Such is the plight of Peruvian President Alan Garcia, who left Singapore on the eve of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit after learning of reports that an air force officer was accused of spying for the Chilean government. "We do consider, from the information that have received, that we need an explanation and sanctions to those involved," Foreign Minister Garcia Belaunde explained. Speaking from Singapore, he admitted that he “did not have all the elements of the story," but confirmed that the suspect is "under arrest and in the hands of the judicial power in Peru." Because Garcia left to return to Peru, he had to cancel a summit with his Chilean counterpart, Michelle Bachelet. Yeah, even if he had stayed, that probably would have been more than a little awkard. The two sides have reportedly spoken about the situation, but neither was willing to comment further at this point. "Chile does not spy," Carolina Toha, spokeswoman for Chile's Ministry of Foreign Relations. "Chile takes international relations as a serious matter." L-I-A-R. Everyone country spies to some extent, it’s simply that some are better at it than others and are able to spy undetected. So the other 20 member nations of APEC will have to go about their business without Garcia while he speeds back home to execute this alleged traitor, er, um, delve into a complicated situation and discern the truth. Lots of success in that endeavor, President Garcia, I’m sure you’ll do just fine………

- Big news for you, space dorks. NASA announced Friday it had discovered water on the moon, meaning we are one step closer to finding a way to get rid of our world’s undesirables by sending them to live in space. Oh, and the discovery of water could also allow for the development of a lunar space station, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. The discovery was announced by project scientist Anthony Colaprete at a midday news conference. "I'm here today to tell you that indeed, yes, we found water. And we didn't find just a little bit; we found a significant amount" -- about a dozen, two-gallon bucketfuls, he said. This discovery comes from that overrated event on October 9 when NASA intentionally crashed the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite, or LCROSS, into the permanently shadowed region of Cabeus crater near the moon's south pole. The event was a major disappointment for all of the space dorks who took NASA’s advice to host lunar watch parties to see the explosion and ended up seeing next to nothing, but clearly the agency learned a lot from the event. Based on the preliminary data collected when October 9, when a rocket flew through the debris cloud after the satellite impact, NASA found a significant amount of water. The data was collected from the satellite's spectrometers, which provide the best information about the presence of water. For my non-tech dork readers, a spectrometer helps identify the composition of materials by examining light they emit or absorb. As for the water, it could come from several possible sources, including: solar winds, comets, giant molecular clouds or even the moon itself through internal activity. But regardless of where it comes from, the news that there is a decent amount of water present on the moon is sure to excite space dorks around the world and have them even more eager to line up a spot on one of Richard Branson’s soon-to-begin flights to outer space…………

Certain "gamers"/dorks get banned from Xbox Live, a Smallville recap and Tennessee football headed back to an elite level

2009-11-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

- I’m the first to admit that I just don’t get the world of online gaming. Video games can be fun in short bursts, but once you pass the age of 14, they aren’t something that should consume a major portion of your time. In spite of this, many “gamers” (which is code for losers) devote hours and hours of their lives to their favorite games, typically to the detriment of social lives that were already on life support at best. Of late, the development of online gaming has allowed these losers to commune with other like-minded losers and play into the wee hours of the morning, fueled by Red Bull, competing in a wide range of games from football (Madden ’10, for example) to Halo to Call of Duty. War/combat games are especially popular with online gamers and for many, it’s like video game catnip. So when a pirated version of the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 leaked online, the temptation was too much for some users to resist. As many as 1 million of these tools rushed to download the bogarted version of the game and once Microsoft found out, it decided to make them pay. Those who downloaded the game have been banned for varying llengths of time from using Microsoft's Xbox Live the ability to use that service. According to a report in InformationWeek, Microsoft has banned as many as a million players from Xbox Live. By for altering their consoles in order to play pirated versions of games, they have surrendered their online gaming privileges like misbehaving 8-year-olds who have had their video games taken away by mom or dad. Xbox 360 consoles are equipped with digital rights management technologies designed to detect pirated software, but some users have been able to modify their systems to work around these protections. Somehow, Microsoft was able to identify these users and for the length of their ban, their machines will only be able to play offline games. No gaming with your fellow losers and talking junk to some dude in Pakistan after you put a burning slug in the back of his head on the battlefield, dorks. The banned users represent approximately five percent of Xbox Live users, so it’s a decent chunk. Microsoft sent out a statement on the situation, saying in part: “All consumers should know that piracy is illegal and modifying their Xbox 360 console violates the Xbox Live terms of use, will void their warranty and result in a ban from Xbox Live.” Xbox Live Director of Programming Larry Hryb added fuel to that fire on the Xbox Live support page, further prodding the cheaters with taunts that, “Keep in mind, this isn't just a ban on a particular game. This is a ban on the Xbox Live service as a whole, so you won't be able to go online at all during your ban. Initially, you may be banned for a day, a week, or depending on severity, permanently! Kiss that $50 goodbye." Way to stick that final zinger in there, Lar. From where I sit, you are just as much of a loser as those you’re banning, so the heck with all of you……….

- For the one millionth time over Smallville’s eight-plus seasons, Clark Kent was in danger of someone figuring out his true identity. This time, it was Lois Lane. With someone running around Metropolis trying to emulate the Blur, saving others and fighting crime, Clark finds himself in an impossible position. When the would-be heroes, a brother-sister duo calling themselves Z and J, respectively. Their first hero attempt is to catch a bunch of supposed drug dealers and deliver them in a shipping crate to the Daily Planet, where Clark and Lois end up signing for the package and opening it. Inside, they find the alleged drug dealers, who turn out to be undercover cops. The Blur’s symbol is etched onto a nearby building, leading to the obvious conclusion that he was responsible. Lois is assigned to the story and thinks she’s making headway. Meanwhile, the Z&J duo is pulling another attempted heroic act, stopping a would-be drug deal in an alley using their super powers. The sister half of the duo is able to turn into any animal she wants, while the brother half of the duo can turn himself into ice, fog, etc. They manage to crash the limo, which is then crushed by a falling electrical pole. The resulting power outage cripples the city, but the Blur is able to fix the power grid and get the city back up and running. While on the scene of the alley incident, Clark finds Z’s cell phone and uses it to track down his impersonators. He steps in right as they are trying to bump fists to activate their powers, knocking them both out. He then takes the duo to Chloe’s Watchtower post, leaving them with her to go out and fix the power outage. Once it’s fixed, he calls Lois to explain the situation with his impersonators. Chloe returns to Watchtower to deal with Z&J and warns them to stop making Twitter and Facebook posts as the Blur and trying to be him. The message seems to get through, but J creates a new problem by messing with one of Chloe’s tech gadgets that disguises Clark’s voice any time he makes a phone call to Lois as the Blur. Right at the end of the call, Clark’s voice masking is ripped away and Lois recognizes his voice. The revelation becomes the topic of her next therapy session, as she is now seeing a psychologist. Her psychologist tries to get to the bottom of her obsession with her mystery caller, the Blur, and how it relates to Clark. When Lois decides what she can do to help Clark as he tries to balance both of his identities, she rushes out of the office on a mission. Her mission involves the press conference called by Metropolis District Attorney Raymond Sacks, a corrupt DA involved with organized crime who has challenged the Blur to come forward, reveal himself and work with Metropolis’ law enforcement. Clark attends the press conference and is debating stepping forward, despite Chloe’s objections, but Lois steps in, takes to the mic and explains why it’s important for the Blur to remain anonymous. She admits to knowing the Blur, which ironically puts her right in Sacks’ crosshairs. When Lois returns to the Planet, she finds a single red rose and a note on her desk thanking her for her speech and saying, “Meet me on the roof.” When Lois ascends to the roof and finds who’s waiting, she’s stunned. It’s Sacks, demanding that she tell him who the Blur is. When Lois refuses, Sacks reveals a plan to murder Lois and frame the Blur. He’s painted the Blur’s symbol on the roof and has two of his goons to toss Lois over the edge to her death. He has the Blur framed with the perfect motive: Lois’ own public admission that she alone knows who he is. But the plan is foiled when Lois grabs ahold of a flag pole extending from the side of the building and hangs on for dear life. A crowd gathers in the street below to see her dangle, while Clark rushes to the roof to save her. Clark inches closer to the ledge to reach Lois, but they can’t bridge the gap. In the moments before she falls, Lois informs Clark that she knows he’s the Blur but that he can’t save her because he can’t reveal his true identity to the world. When her grip gives out, Lois falls, but she’s not going to die – of course. Z&J, having learned of her plight when Z was lurking around the city as a bug, of all things, rush to the scene. J turns into fog, engulfing the street and allowing Clark to super speed to the street and save Lois without being seen. When she comes to, she’s lying on the street, unharmed and in the fog. Clark walks over and tells her he’s glad she’s alive, but she’s convinced he’s the one who saved her. However, a phone call to the nearby payphone from the Blur to tell Lois that “he” is glad she’s okay convinces her otherwise. The call is actually from Chloe, using voice automation softwate to mimic the Blur, but it does the trick. Lois is off Clark’s trail and confesses as much to her shrink. As for Sacks, he hops into his limo to flee the scene of Lois’ near-deth experience and is face-to-snout with an angry Rottweiler – Z in disguise. Sacks is unable to flee and soon arrested. Following the excitement, Clark visits Chloe and although he’s thankful for her help, he chastises her for setting up phone taps and surveillance around the city to monitor his activities, including private phone calls with Lois. She reminds him that if not for her help, Lois would still think he was the Blur. Next, Clark visits Z&J to thank them for their help, but also to warn them that in trying to be heroes, they need to not make so many mistakes. With that accomplished, Clark goes back to the Planet and summons Lois for a meeting in the file room. He admits that he has a secret to tell her, but the secret turns out to be lying and saying he is near-sighted and needs the now-famous Clark Kent glasses. She states that she believes that at times she sees a different side – an heroic side – of him that no one else sees. She’s about to leave the room when she turns, rushes over and plants a kiss on Clark. It’s a good kiss, but mid-kiss, Lois blacks out and has another of her dreams of an apocalyptic future in which Zod rules the Earth, Clark is powerless and Chloe is dead. That’s how the episode ends, setting up an interesting show next week, when Tess kidnaps Lois and forces L. Lane to reveal what she learned during her three-week disappearance/trip to the future at the end of last season and the start of this one. Tune in then……….

- Blaxploitation lives in Philadelphia…..assuming you believe the claims of an organization of African American firefighters who filed a federal lawsuit Wednesday accusing the Philadelphia firefighters union of being "racially harassing and abusive" to blacks. According to the lawsuit, union leadership was dominated by members of a predominantly white firefighters organization dedicated to ending a 25-year-old federal consent decree that paved the way for the hiring of many black firefighters. That’s a lot to swallow, I know, but bear with me. These white firefighters have apparently formed a group of their own, the Concerned American Fire Fighters Association (CAFFA), and the lawsuit accuses them of pushing their agenda at the union. The tipping point for the black firefighters appears to have been the union's December bargaining proposal to the city included the request that "any and all quota-based hiring practices" be eliminated. "They're using my union dues to do it," said Kenneth Greene, president of Club Valiants, the black firefighters group. "It's a slap in the face." I’m sorry, you’re angry because the union wants firefighters to not be hired, qualified or not, simply because of the color of their skin or nationality? Inherent in that attitude is the assumption that those doing the hiring are racist and would not hire qualified black firefighters if not required to by some stupid quota. I’m not saying I disagree with everything in the lawsuit, but this particular point is a load of crap. Other allegations in the suit include: that the Philadelphia Fire Fighters' Union, Local 22, has no black officers and only one black employee - a janitor and that union meetings have become so divisive that black firefighters no longer attend. "African Americans have no voice in the union," the suit said. There are also references to posts from the union's private, Internet message board that mock black firefighters as lazy and stupid, and use "ebonics" to denigrate blacks. If those things are true, then they absolutely need to be dealt with and are legitimate beefs. So what do the black firefighters want from all of this? For starters, they want a federal judge to appoint a civil-rights monitor to oversee the local until it is no longer "a racially hostile union." They would also like class-action status for the more than 500 black Philadelphia firefighters. The basis of the case is the philosophical battle over the 1984 federal consent decree, which mandated the hiring of more black firefighters and replaced an entrance exam deemed to discriminate against black applicants. The consent degree was actually expanded by a federal court in 1999, leading to white firefighters pushing back because they feel the focus on hiring black firefighters has gone overboard and is now working against qualified white candidates. It’s a messy issue, no doubt. As always, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle and no one is completely right or wrong. Everyone will have to accept a solution that they disagree with in some way and we can all move along………

- Their play on the field was already indicating as much, but Lane Kiffin’s boys are on the way back to being an elite college football program. Sure, winning games and possibly making it to a bowl game are steps in the right direction, but nothing screams “elite national program” quite like having not one, not two, but three of your guys picked up for armed robbery. Rather than getting ready for Saturday’s big game against Ole Miss, safety Janzen Jackson, receiver Nu'Keese Richardson and defensive back Mike Edwards were getting busted early Thursday morning in Knoxville on charges of attempted armed robbery. According to a Knoxville City Police report, these three idiots attempted a robbery outside a convenience store near campus. I don’t know how close they were to actually getting away with this nonsense, but the fact that at least one of the players arrested was wearing some type of Tennessee gear during the attempted robbery couldn’t have helped. Well done, geniuses. Oh, and I should also mention that their weapon of choice for the alleged robbery was a powered pellet gun, later recovered in the players' car after they were stopped by police. "At this time we are currently evaluating the circumstances surrounding an incident involving Mike Edwards, Janzen Jackson and Nu'Keese Richardson," Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton said in a prepared statement. "Any decisions or comments regarding their status will not be made until the evaluations are complete." That comment came Thursday, but by the end of the business day on Friday, it was announced that the three players would all be suspended for the Ole Miss game. The timing on this could not be worse for Kiffin, who on Wednesday praised his team for not having any off-the-field problems during his tenure while speaking during the SEC coaches teleconference. Think he’d like to have that one back? Jackson and Richardson were two of the prized freshmen for this year’s team and Jackson had started in all but two games this season for the Vols this season and emerged as one of the better freshman in the SEC. Of course, one of those two games he didn’t start was last week’s blowout of Memphis, when he was suspended for what Kiffin termed a violation of team rules. What Kiffin didn’t say then but is now being reported is that the suspension stemmed from a failed drug test. No better way to follow up a failed drug test than by piling into a car with a couple of your boys, lurking outside of a convenience store, parking next to a Toyota Prius and approaching the Prius brandishing a gun and demanding that the driver, "Give me everything you have." Following that up with a second member of your crew sidling up on the passenger’s side of the car, opening the door and saying, "give us everything you've got," that’s great too. The only problem? Neither of the intended victims had anything in their wallets. At that point, the trio of idiots fled and were soon stopped by police. As a quick capper to this story, it’s worth noting that Corey Zickefoose, the victim of the alleged robbery and the man who identified the three UT players as the men who robbed him, has gone on the record as saying that he hopes they are not suspended and are allowed to remain on the team. He stated that “these things happen” and it’s “just the way things are in Tennessee.” In other words, my man C. Zickefoose is a huge Tennessee fan and he doesn’t give a crap if these guys stole his car, pillaged his bank account and set his lawn on fire. What matters most to Zickefoose is that his beloved team wins. Way to send the right message to these players, Corey. Nothing builds a sense of entitlement and being above the law quicker than being above the law and treated differently because you are a UT football player. Suspension or not, the bottom line here is that with (alleged) felons like Richardson, Jackson and Edwards on the roster, the Tennessee Volunteers are on their way back to the elite level of college football………

- How about this deal if you are a persecuted indigenous person looking to stay on the land you and your ancestors have occupied for centuries: Leave or we’re going to spray you with toxic pesticides? That’s what allegedly happened to more than 200 indigenous people who refused to vacate their land in eastern Paraguay late last week. The 217 members of the Ava Guarani community in the Itakyry district were allegedly sprayed with pesticides because they wouldn’t leave their land and now they are suffering vomiting, diarrhea, headaches and nausea. The incident took place near the border with Brazil in a region where local soy growers believe that the land belongs to them and not to the indigenous people. The national government, which ironically is not the one persecuting the people (always a nice chage of pace) condemned the attacks, which came after an eviction order against the indigenous people was supposed to be carried out but was canceled by a district prosecutor right before it was to be executed. Amnesty International is also interjecting itself into the mix, condemning “the use of apparently toxic pesticides to intimidate an indigenous community after they resisted being forcibly evicted from their ancestral lands." AI is not shying away from criticizing what it believes is a failure by the Paraguayan government to adequately protect the indigenous peoples in its country. "Indigenous peoples' lives are being put in jeopardy by those who should protect them," said Louise Finer, Paraguay researcher at Amnesty International. "The risk faced by the Itakyry communities was predictable. Insufficient action was taken to protect them from the threats they faced from this renewed attempt to evict them from their ancestral lands." The failed attempt involved a bunch of goons/soy farmers piling into trucks, driving to the land and attacking the Ava Guarani. The Ava Guarani fought back against the 50 men who tried to evict them with bows and arrows as police looked on and did just enough to keep things from getting out of hand. After the battle is when the pesticides came into play; airplanes flew over fields and orchards where the Ava Guarani were working, spraying liquid pesticides. The Ava Guarani are a member of one of the five linguistic groups that the country’s 17 ethnic communities are divided into: the Mascoi, Mataco, Zamuco, Guarani and the Guaykuru. All of these communities exist along the Paraguayan River in the sparsely populated Chaco region to the west, and along the Brazilian border to the east. The indigenous peoples were supposedly protected by the Paraguayan Indigenous Institute, the state body that advises on protecting indigenous peoples' rights, back in 1996 and 1997. The institute acquired 6,518 acres of land of the indigenous communities' ancestral land on their behalf, but those claims have come under attack of late and not much is being done to help the natives. It’s an ugly situation and one that can hopefully be reversed in a hurry before the indigenous peoples are subjected to the same ugly fate that the original inhabitants of what is now the United States met…………

Running afoul of the Donald, musing on MLB's general manager meetings at an airport hotel and trying to figure out how Sammy Sosa became a white dude

2009-11-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

- Far be it from me to run afoul of Donald Trump, lest I find myself on the receiving end of a Rosie O’Donnell-esque beatdown from the Donald, but I cannot stay silent on this. You all know my stance on reality TV, namely that there are three and only three reality shows that don’t abysmally suck: The Biggest Loser, Survivor and The Amazing Race. All three have redemptive qualities I’ve spoken on before, but the rest of reality TV is a wasteland devoid of any positive qualities. That includes the Donald’s current reality TV offering, The Apprentice. And it is The Apprentice that has spawned the demon-seed TV program we’re about to have a chat about. On one of the early seasons of The Apprentice (can't say which, having never watched it), there was a contestant by the name of Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. To put it kindly, she was a bitter bitch who was universally hated by viewers and fellow contestants alike. Yet her villainy was enough to push her into the pop culture spotlight for her 15 minutes of fame and she’s refused to shut up and go away since then. Seeing a pub-grabbing opportunity as he is apt to do, Trump is looking to capitalize on the public’s unexplainable and unwarranted fascination with Omarosa by creating what else, a reality dating show designed to help this witch find “love.” Omarosa's Ultimate Merger will showcase a woman none of us should know or care about trying to find a guy who doesn’t mind being with an attention-starved, battle ax of a reality show contestant-turned-D-list-celebrity. "Omarosa was a great personality on The Apprentice that was watched by over 40 million people as it became the No. 1 show on TV," Trump said. "Omarosa is smart, witty and difficult, but all of those qualities will make for some very interesting entertainment." Sorry Don, but no it won't. This is going to be an unmitigated train wreck and watching Omarosa and her 12 “business-minded suitors” make asses of themselves on cable's TV One is not going to bring anyone running to their TV set. The fact that the show’s producers intend to portray Omarosa as a likeable, amiable character this time around only makes the possible unintentional comedy of the show more hilarious, and that’s not nearly enough of a reason to watch. At the risk of pissing off the Donald and having him rant about how I, like O’Donnell, and a disgusting person inside and out, I’m going to pass on watching this show now or ever and consider my life better for it……………

- I would have written sooner about the growing spectacle that is Sammy Sosa’s quest to become the world’s next Michael Jackson (dermatologically speaking) but I’m honestly not sure what to say. For those who missed it (and I don’t know how), the former Chicago Cubs slugger and confirmed steroid user showed up at the Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas last week with his skin about eight shades lighter and more pale than when we last saw him. What took Michael Jackson decades and multiple plastic surgeries to accomplish, Sosa pulled off in a matter of a couple years. Since showing up in red-carpet pictures looking like the first cousin of Casper the Ghost, Sosa and those close to him have been looking to spin this story in a different direction while offering up one lame explanation after another about the reason for his sudden change in skin pigmentation. A close friend of Sosa’s from his days with the Cubs, former Cubs employee Rebecca Polihronis, tried to say that the skin change was the result of a rejuvenation process Sosa has been going through to rebuild and repair his epidermis after years of playing baseball under the sun. Cynics among us have speculated that his lighter skin color was a result of years of steroid use, which I’m not sure is scientifically accurate or even possible. I don’t buy Polihronis’ claim that Sosa was "surprised he came out looking so white” after his “treatment,” but it’s not quite as absurd as the steroid line of reasoning. A more plausible explanation being floated around is that Sosa may have been trying to even his skin tone, combating acne scars, for example, using a topical medication called hydroquinone. That’s just one theory, but I can’t imagine that even if it were true that this sort of drastic change is an intended or expected result. No matter what the cause, what can’t be argued is that it was extremely jarring and mentally scarring to see those hideous pics of Sosa and his female companion on the red carpet. Putting those images next to ones showing Sosa with his natural skin color just a few years ago made my eyes hurt, my stomach turn and my mind go on the fritz. Let this be a lesson to all vain, superficial people out there, famous or not: Before embarking on any sort of plastic surgery or cosmetic procedure journey, think long and hard about whether the possible reward is even in the same zip code as the risk you are taking. Unless you’re comfortable with the possibility of ending up in front of cameras sporting a completely different skin color and badly butchered physique, back away from the consent forms, retreat from the surgeon’s office and run in the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible, lest you find yourself Sosa-ed…………

- Well lookee here, Blackwater is at it again. It may be under a different name, but the sh*t is still the same when it comes to everyone’s favorite civilian-murdering private security firm. No, the company isn't accused of senselessly killing more Iraqi civilians. In fact, they’ve attempted to give themselves and their image a makeover by adopting a new name, Xe, and moving on to a new sort of (alleged crime). Allegations became public this week that Blackwater/Xe attempted to bribe Iraqi officials in the aftermath of its murder of 17 Iraqi civilians two years ago. A former vice president of the Blackwater private security company said this week that he was "unaware of any plot or guidance for Blackwater to bribe Iraqi officials" as rage erupted over the killings of 17 civilians by the company's security guards more than two years ago. Cofer Black is the man responding to claims that Blackwater "authorized secret payments of about $1 million to Iraqi officials.” Black admitted to meeting with U.S. Embassy officials during the "period described" in order "to discuss the best course of action" in the aftermath of the September 2007 shootings in Nusoor Square. "Blackwater was directed to provide some financial compensation to relatives of those Iraqi victims, which embassy officials described as called for by Iraqi custom," Black said. "During these meetings with embassy officials, Blackwater sought State Department leadership in dispensing any such good faith compensation from Blackwater to the victims' relatives as Blackwater was subordinate to the State Department as its security contractor." The State Department doesn’t exactly appear to have Blackwater/Xe’s back, with one senior official saying the State Department is unaware of any payments to Iraqi government officials but did encourage Blackwater to compensate the victims of the Nusoor Square shootings. The anonymous sources making the accusations against Blackwater/Xe say the payments to Iraqi officials were "intended to silence" Iraqi criticism and "buy their support" after the deadly incident. To this day, those involved in the shooting from the Blackwater side insist that they merely returned fire after civilians fired on them. The alleged bribes came from the top, as four former executives said former Blackwater president Gary Jackson OK'd the bribes, after which "the money was sent from Amman, Jordan" to a "top manager in Iraq." The Iraqi government said this week that it is investigating the bribery claims, although it’s not clear what actions might be taken if the allegations are true. In January, five former Blackwater security guards pleaded not guilty to charges of voluntary manslaughter and other serious crimes stemming from their involvement in the incident, while sixth former security guard has pleaded guilty to charges of voluntary manslaughter and attempted manslaughter. Blackwater/Xe is no longer a major presence in Iraq because the U.S. State Department decided not to renew its contract in. However, the company continues to operate in the country in minor projects, including providing aviation services for the State Department. Word is that even those projects are slowly being phased out, a process that could be accelerated by these allegations. Nothing makes the State Department want to cut ties with you faster than allegations that your company bribed foreign government officials to quell the sh*t storm that resulted when your security guards (allegedly) murdered 17 civilians. As for me, I’m enjoying the process of learning how thoroughly corrupt and dishonest Blackwater/Xe is/was and look forward to the continued degradation and decimation of any credibility they still have left……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Okay, so this is technically more of a protest and less of an actual riot, but the spirit is the same. Students at Binghamton University in New York are pissed off at their school’s leadership and actions that are slowly turning their school into an environment-ruining entity. The controversy stems from the university’s use of coal to heat its buildings, a practice that many students believe is outdated and damaging to the environment. An on-campus plant burns the coal, producing the heat needed to keep academic and office buildings warm during the chilly Binghamton winter. But the 50-plus students who staged an on-campus protest Tuesday believe it is time for the plant to go and they are ready to tale a stand. "We stand here today to express campus-wide support for moving beyond coal," was the rallying cry for the demonstration. Students argued that the BU-run plant that helps heat the school is also polluting the earth. "It really doesn't have any place on this campus. It's detrimental to our health, our environment, it pollutes our water sources," said Lauren Hammon, a BU sophomore. The plant has been around for decades as part of the central heating plant at the sprawling suburban campus. In spite of this, BU consistently ranks as a top green school according to the Sierra Club. Showing a bit of hypocrisy, the Sierra Club helped organize the rally in the hopes of convincing the BU administration to find alternative methods of heating the campus. How a school can be one of the most environmentally friendly schools in the country yet also have a huge pollution problem because of its chosen heating methods, I don’t know. What I do know is that the Sierra Club released a statement in conjunction with the rally stating that: "The University has reduced its carbon footprint by 14 percent as compared to the year 2000 level. We successfully incorporated wood burning in our Central Heating Plant in 2007...We have offset about 18 percent of the fossil fuel we required last year by using wood fuel..." The university has meet with Beyond Coal before, but the group says they want higher-level talks and swifter action. "President DeFleur has not committed to meeting with us, which is disappointing, because all we want to do is have a dialogue about how we can improve," said Sam Sussman, a BU freshman, who spoke at the rally. Sussman and his fellow protestors say they appreciate the university's efforts to 'green up' the campus, but they look at the smokestack-topped coal plant and remain convinced that those efforts just aren’t enough. They hope to present the school’s administration with a petition signed by around 2,500 on-campus members in opposition of using coal to supply heat. The university’s argument is that they use the trucked-in Pennsylvania coal because it's the cheapest solution. Perhaps if the enviro-protestors offered to pay a higher tuition than everyone else to make up the difference, the school would consider installing a solar farm to harvest the energy of the sun to heat campus..........

- Here’s my question for those who are upset that Major League Baseball will not be expanding the role of instant replay in its game: How much can you really expect when a meeting is taking place at an airport hotel? All 30 MLB general managers gathered earlier this week at a hotel in Chicago’s O'Hare International Airport for their annual meeting, one of the topics on the agenda was instant replay. The topic was at the forefront because of repeated blown calls during this season’s playoffs, including fair/foul calls, plays on the bases and other key parts of the game. In spite of this and in spite of a presentation given to general managers at the meeting, the GMs failed to take a vote Tuesday on expanding instant replay. "I know there are some who have talked off line about the expansion of instant replay," said Jimmie Lee Solomon, executive vice president of baseball operations in the commissioner's office. "Right now, the commissioner doesn't see any reason to consider it." Doesn’t see any reason? How about getting the calls right? Umpires showed time and again this postseason – when they work with a six-man crew instead of the four-man crews used in the regular season – that they blow an inordinate number of calls. Even with two additional umpires on the field to cover more ground, the blown calls persisted. It’s not as if replay is a foreign concept to baseball, because MLB began video review in August 2008 to determine whether potential home runs were fair or foul or cleared fences. The practice already exists, so now it’s simply a matter of expanding it to address other pressing issues. Yet there stands Bud Selig, the ass-hatted, geriatric commissioner who repeatedly has said he's against widening the use of video review. He pooh-poohs the idea of expanding replay and because he’s the one supposedly leading the sport, his lead is the one that everyone seems content to follow. While there were discussions about replay at the GM meetings, Solomon said "it was all confined to the current instant replay system that we have." Comments by some of the GMs following the meetings seem to indicate that they both grasp and do not grasp the importance of the replay issue. "I think it's working great, and for the most part the umpires are getting the calls right when replay is used," Los Angeles Angels GM Tony Reagins said. "Can we always tweak and get better? Absolutely. But I think were headed in the right direction. For the most part they're getting calls right and not afraid to use instant replay. As long as things are moving in the right direction, I don't see a need to change." Hang on, T. You pose the rhetorical question of whether you can tweak things and make the game better and answer in the affirmative, then you go on to say that there is no need for a change. So making the game better is not an objective for you? Color me confused. But then again, if you’re just flying into Chicago, jumping off the plane and walking to an airport hotel where you will stay for a couple of days without actually venturing out into the world outside of O’Hare, how much can any group realistically be expected to accomplish……….

Why I want an apology from Andre Agassi, birthday wishes for "Sesame Street" and reporting your own drunk driving

2009-11-11T14:52:00.001-05:00

- I’d like an apology from Andre Agassi. No, I don’t have a problem with him writing an autobiography in which he admits to hating the sport that made him a famous millionaire (tennis), tanking matches during his career or going on a yearlong crystal meth bender in the midst of said career. I don’t even have a beef with those actions in and of themselves; my issue comes with the response to Agassi’s autobiography. In short, people are acting like morons and falling all over themselves in the rush to say incredibly moronic things in the wake of Agassi’s revelations. First it was former women’s tennis champion Martina Navratilova trying to liken Agassi to noted cheaters like Roid-ger Clemens. Never mind that Clemens and his ilk used performance-enhancing drugs that made them better on the field and in the weight room and Agassi used a performance-hindering drug like meth that only helps you if your chosen profession requires less teeth, living in a mobile home and wearing wife-beaters all day long. Sure, Agassi got out of a failed drug test by lying to ATP officials in a letter, claiming the positive test was an accident that occurred because he took a sip from a cup of Coke laced with meth that belonged to his personal assistant. But that’s on ATP officials and not Agassi, because no way should that lame, transparent excuse fly. But M. Navratilova’s comments were just the tip of the idiocy iceberg and she’s now being joined by former No. 1-ranked Marat Safin, who believes that Andre Agassi should give his tennis titles back and return much of the prize money he won based on his revelations. Safin, who plans to retire this month, said in an interview Tuesday that Agassi should "give his titles, his money and his Grand Slam titles" back. "I'm not defending the ATP, but what he said put it in a delicate position," Safin said. "The ATP allowed him to win a lot of tournaments, a lot of money. It kept his secret. Why does he need to be so cruel with it?" No Marat, what the ATP did in accepting his lame-o excuse put the ATP in an awkward position. Its choice to allow him to continue to play doesn’t mean he owes them a damn thing; capitalizing on someone else’s mistake doesn’t mean you owe them an apology. Why should he give his titles and money back? If other players weren’t good enough to defeat a meth addict on the court, then how is that the meth addict’s problem? "If he is as fair play as he says he is, he has to go to the end," Safin said. "You know, the ATP has a bank account and he can give the money back if he wants.” No, he can’t. If he gave the money back, he would be caving in the brain-dead, foot-in-mouth idiots like you who are assigning blame to the wrong place in a very ugly situation. So I would like an apology for Andre Agassi for writing this book, thereby inciting these insipid and asinine comments from people who are clearly much better off when they stick to hitting a fuzzy yellow ball with a graphite-handled racket over a net and leave the commentary to those of us more qualified for it………

- This is a day late, but a very happy 40th birthday to Sesame Street, which has now spent four decades teaching kids of all ages valuable lessons about life, the world they live in and the personalities of crabby green puppets living in trash cans with pet worms. The show marked its big day with a visit from First Lady Michelle Obama and used the occasion to kick off a two-year, environmental program called "My World is Green and Growing” (ironically, also one of the rejected subtitles for the autobiographies of both Warren Buffett and Willie Nelson, albeit for different reasons). But despite its enviro-centric title, don’t expect the program to delve into big-picture issues. "Global warming and deforestation—those are really adult concepts, and it's just too scary for children," said Rosemarie Truglio, vice president of research and education at Sesame Workshop, the New York City-based nonprofit that produces Sesame Street. "The place we're coming from is, 'Let's love and care for the Earth, because it's so beautiful, and we appreciate its awe and wonder, and we're going to respect it.'" Apparently the hope is that kids will learn to love, respect and cherish nature and thus grow up to become a bunch of tree-hugging hippies…..I think. I’ve actually learned something already, namely that the curriculum for Sesame Street changes every two years. The switch to focusing on the environment could not be a wiser choice, because moving on from focusing on a pointless, useless subject like literacy – the focus for the past two years – is a fantastic idea. It’s also a much better focus than healthy eating, which was the topic of choice prior to literacy and turned the Cookie Monster into a neutered, bastardized version of himself, chowing down on fruits and vegetables instead of chocolate chip and macadamia nut treats. By comparison, teaching kids about concepts such as habitats, hibernation, and migration is a fantastic idea. In the end, I suppose the most important thing to do is congratulate Sesame Street on a fantastic first 40 years and wish the show many successful years ahead. Happy birthday, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Snuffleupagus, the Count and everyone else on Sesame Street…………

- I have no problem admitting that this next story absolutely confounds me. It’s taken me a while to get to this, but don’t believe for one second that the delay is any indication of a lack of enthusiasm on my part for the tale I’m about to tell. Journey with me to Wisconsin on Halloween night, where all manner of frightening creatures were out on the streets. There were ghosts, goblins, slutty nurses/librarians/police officers/ballerinas/demons, pro athletes and oh yeah, drunken lushes with blood-alcohol levels of 0.17 who were phoning 911 to report themselves. The last entry on that list would be Mary Stray, a 61-year-old woman who had a beer or nine and got behind the wheel rocking a BAC more than twice the legal limit. And what’s not cool about someone’s grandma getting liquored up and swerving around the streets on Halloween night, when there were probably more than a few kids and their families out and about? But it wasn’t her erratic driving that did Stray in: it was her cell phone. See, she may have been too drunk to drive legally, but bizarrely she was sober and coherent enough to dial 911 and in slurred speech, inform the operator that she had spotted a drunk driver on the road: herself. Here’s how things unfolded, on account of the actual transcript from the call after Stray stated that she had seen a drunk driver:

Dispatch: You behind them?

Mary Strey: No, I am them.

Dispatch: You am them?

Mary Strey: Yes, I am them.

Dispatch: Okay, so you want to call and report you're driving drunk?

Mary Strey: Yes.

Dispatch: Are you still driving right now? You want to stop driving before you get in an accident?

Mary Strey: Yes, I will stop.

Dispatch: You want to stop right now?

Mary Strey: Yes, I will stop right now.

If you haven’t heard the audio from the call, you need to track it down. The incredulousness in the operator’s voice as he processes the fact that a drunk driver is calling to report herself is hilarious. But big ups to this guy for keeping his head enough to mirror back Stray’s butchered grammar, “You am them?” Oh, and I love how the operator posed the suggestive question implying that maybe Stray should consider pulling over before she caused an accident. After the call, police were able to track her down and administer a field sobriety test. Officers say Mary Strey had slurred speech, was stumbling, and swaying back and forth. Her blood alcohol level was 0.17 and she received a one-way ticket to the drunk tank. No word on whether the judge in her case will give her leniency for having the common decency to stop drunk driving…..by reporting herself………

- No one is more on the side of the working man, the everyman, than I am. Any time that workers anywhere in the world want to strike, picket and rebel against The Man, I will support them. Few things piss me off more than The Man holding down, walking all over or outright abusing the little guy. Today, my support goes out to workers at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco who began a three-day strike Tuesday as contract negotiations with hotel management remained stalled. It was an impressive sight as some 350 workers, members of Unite Here Local 2, began picketing in front of the hotel at about 4 a.m. While I probably would have signed up for a later-starting picketing stint, I appreciate the effort. The union is battling with hotel management to protect workers’ health and retirement benefits, which management is looking to reduce. The cuts were highlighted in hotel management's most recent contract proposal to the union and the reaction was swift and severe. The strike, expected to last until Friday morning, follows a three-day strike by workers at the Grand Hyatt last week. For a city that relies as heavily on tourism as San Francisco, having workers at two of its better hotels go on strike independently of one another with in a one-week period is an attention-grabber. The strikes have gotten the attention of city hall, with Mayor Gavin Newsom stepping in to assist with the contract talks. The Unite Here Local 2 union is currently negotiating separately with hotels including the Hyatt, Hilton, Marriott, Starwood and Intercontinental on behalf of the most blue-collar workers you’ll find in any hotel anywhere: room cleaners, cooks, food servers, bellmen, bartenders and dishwashers. These are people who don’t deserve to be dicked over by management or to have their benefits ripped or reduced just to boost the bottom line. Fight the good fight and stay strong, Palace Hotel employees, I’ve got your back………

- Way to call an anonymous whistleblower with the courage to speak out a liar, International Energy Agency. The IEA is vehemently denying allegations from a whistleblower that world oil reserves have been exaggerated to avoid panic buying in the oil market. Maybe it’s just the conspiracy-theory lover in me, but I’m inclined to hear this anonymous whistleblower out. This person claims that many within the agency believe the body's prediction for oil supplies "is much higher than can be justified." In other words, they are lying about how much oil is available so that people who aren’t smart or forward-thinking enough to begin adapting to alternative fuel sources don’t lose their minds to look to buy up every barrel of oil they can find. These claims stand in direction to the IEA’s annual outlook, which the agency released Tuesday. In that report, the IEA reiterated its prediction that oil supplies would rise to 105 million barrels by 2030 under current government policy. "We're the ones that are out there warning that the oil and gas is running out in the most authoritative manner. But we don't see it happening as quickly as some of the peak oil theorists," Richard Jones, deputy executive director of the IEA, lied, er, said. "Generally, we're viewed as more pessimistic than we should be by the (oil) industry.” Sure you are, Rich. So why am I more inclined to believe your anonymous whistleblower when he or she says that: “Many inside the organization believe that maintaining oil supplies at even 90 million to 95 million barrels a day would be impossible, but there are fears that panic could spread on the financial markets if the figures were brought down further.” A second senior source, also anonymous, seemed to back up those sentiment with this gem, that it was "imperative not to anger the Americans" who were said to play an influential role in encouraging the body to underplay potential supply shortfalls. “We have already entered the 'peak oil' zone. I think that the situation is really bad." Those who support the peak oil theory insist that the world is rapidly running out of oil and multiple measures must be taken immediately to avert utter disaster. As for the IEA outlook, it outlines potential results of two scenarios: The "Reference Scenario" assumes government policy remains the same, while the "450 Scenario" projects what may happen if governments take action on climate change. The 450 moniker is a reference to the long-term concentration of 450 parts per million of CO2-equivalent needed to limit to 50 percent the probability of a global average temperature rise of two degrees Celsius. The “Reference Scenario,” under which global temperatures could rise by up to six degrees Celsius, predicts a 40-percent increase in demand for fuel between now and 2030. The nations expected to drive this increase are fuel-suckers like China and India, along with the Middle East. The dilemma for the world is how to boost production and consumption of renewable energy sources so that demand for oil doesn’t actually rise from 85 million barrels per day to 105 million barrels per day by 2030. If that nightmare scenario unfolds, crude oil could cost as much as $115 per barrel by 2030, up from an average around $60 a barrel this year. One thing everyone seems to agree on is that world leaders hold the key to our energy crisis and that they must find a way to address the Earth’s growing climate-change issues to fix things. Color me cynical, but I’m not holding out a lot of hope for that…………

Help for losers/smokers, a revolting cougar-related story from California and behold the power of NFL fans

2009-11-10T14:42:00.002-05:00

- You know how I feel about smoking: Smokers are losers. I say that without qualification or equivocation because smoking is bad for smokers, people around smokers and the world at large – basicallt everyone except tobacco companies and their shareholders. Bearing that in mind, how can I not be pumped at the news of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, a division of the National Institutes of Health, giving out a $10 million grant to a company that is moving ever closer to an anti-nicotine vaccine? The grant went to Nabi BioPharmaceuticals to take its anti-nicotine vaccine, NicVAX, to Phase III clinical trials. The NIH explained that in Phase III trials, the treatment is "given to large groups of people to confirm its effectiveness, monitor side effects, compare it to commonly used treatments, and collect information that will allow the drug or treatment to be used safely." It's also the last step before the drug can go before the FDA for approval, so that’s exciting. The way NicVAX works is by stimulating the immune system to generate antibodies that latch on to nicotine in a smoker's body and actually prevent nicotine from ever entering the brain. No nicotine entering the brain would thus (theoretically) remove the addictive properties of cancer sticks/cigarettes from the equation and help users quit once and for all. The Phase III trials began last week, so I’m anxiously awaiting word on how they’re going. “Nicotine addiction causes nearly a half-million deaths annually in the United States alone. Finding effective treatments that can help people stay off cigarettes has been a real challenge," NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins said. "This Phase III trial of a nicotine vaccine offers tremendous hope towards solving this immense public health problem.” I’ll say it’s immense, what with nicotine generally considered more addictive than heroin. And for you losers/smokers out there who have a problem with what I’m saying, just know that the American Cancer Society reports that of the 44 million smokers in the United States, 70 percent say they want to quit. With that many people wanting to quit a disgusting and deadly habit, we should not have as many smokers in this country as we do. Actually, we shouldn’t have any, but that’s a whole different story. Of the 40 percent of smokers who do quit in a given year, only 4 to 7 percent manage to do so on a permanent basis. Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse and one of the leaders of the study, says that what makes NicVAX different from existing anti-smoking therapies is that it helps smokers quit permanently. I’m hoping she’s right and everyone who smokes or has ever smoked even once should be hoping the exact same thing…….

- This is not a good story. It is not pleasant, it is not uplifting, it is not encouraging and it is not going to make anyone feel good about themselves. On Friday, a truly sad event took place in (where else?) Beverly Hills, Calif., where at the first Miss Cougar California Convention took place. No, this was not a zoological event, although those who attended the convention should probably be locked up behind the bars of a cage, fed be a zookeeper and gawked at by visitors through Plexiglas. The idea of the convention was to help older women and younger men, so-called cubs, find their next piece of ass or sugar mama. More than 300 of these pathetic souls forked over $30 to attend the event, which was sponsored by the Society of Single Professionals, the world's largest nonprofit singles organization. It had to be a big ego boost for the cougars, who were outnumbered two to one and probably had a lot of horny younger guys fighting for their attention. These cougs crammed into their best slutty outfits, showed off their surgically enhanced physiques with collagen-injected faces and paraded around like the truly deplorable spectacle they are. There was also some intra-cougar club drama after the crowning of Miss Cougar California, which isn't at all demeaning or debasing. The winner was Tyana Alvarado, who was wearing a low-cut dress designed to show off her surgically enhanced rack while she also sported a name tag she oh, so subtly plastered to her ass. Her selection infuriated the first runner-up, who repeatedly shouted that Alvarado looked too good to be older than 40 and demanded to see her identification. Wow, that’s not at all pitiful or deplorable, being ready to brawl because you think some other cougar cheated to be crowned Miss Cougar California. Only in your state, Californians. The kicker is that these cougs actually believe that there are the shiz-nitz and are far more attractive and desirable than any other women out there. "I've got it going on," one cougar at the convention said. "Younger men love that I know who I am and know what I want." Sorry cougars, but you’re not all that and just because a bunch of you jam into some fancy ballroom in Beverly Hills where a bunch of delusional younger guys fawn over you doesn’t make it so………..

- Behold the power of the fans. Twice in the past week, the influence of NFL fans has been seen in the actions of two of the league’s worst teams. First, the threat of Cleveland fans staging a mass protest at the team’s upcoming Monday night game against Baltimore and not going to their seats until after the game starts, thus displaying a near-empty stadium to a national television audience, was enough to inspire Browns owner Randy Lerner to sit down for a two-hour meeting in his office with the two fans leading the protest. Lerner listened to their concerns and although it’s unclear what impact the talk had, general manager George Kokinis was fired just a few days afterward in what many observers viewed as a move to appease the team’s outraged fan base. In Kansas City, the anger of the fans was against one player – running back Larry Johnson – instead of the whole team. After Johnson was suspended for a game following his latest off-field incident, in which he twice used a gay slur, a group of fans started an online position to lobby the team to bench or release Johnson following his suspension so that he would not break the team’s all-time rushing record, which he was within 100 yards of reaching. Now I’m not saying that petition was the sole factor in what happened Monday, but the bottom line is that the instant his suspension was over, the Chiefs dropped Johnson like a sack of bricks. He’s been released and is now free to sign with any team. The former Pro Bowler who had back-to-back 1,700-yard seasons for Kansas City has been suspended twice in the past 12 months, so teams must ask themselves if he’s worth the trouble. “Any player that's available, we look at," said Bears coach Lovie Smith. "That's been our standard policy throughout. That'll be the case with Larry." Houston coach Gary Kubiak agreed. "When a name like that comes on the free agent market like today, we'll obviously go back and take a look at him just like any other player," Kubiak said. "Obviously, he's been a good player in this league and I'm sure he'll get a lot of interest from a lot of people." That’s one aspect of the story, but I’m more interested in how much the fans are able to influence teams. In the end, it is their dollars that buy tickets and merchandise, which in turn pay player salaries and finance the team’s operations (along with the sizeable chunk of money from the league TV deal). I’m not misguided enough to believe that teams are going to run their operations based on what their fans want entirely, but it is nice to think that for the first time in a long time, the feelings of the average fan are at least part of the equation……….

- Aerosmith has long been one of the most perpetually dysfunctional bands on the music scene. Dating back to their drug-addled early years, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry and Co. have alternated between writing great songs and being at each other’s throats. You might think that as their careers near the end of the line and they are pushing Social Security age, the members of one of rock’s truly iconic bands would be able to find a collective happy place and enjoy a few more great years before calling it quits. Of course, you would be very, very wrong. Not only are the band’s members not getting along, things have deteriorated to the point that Perry said that he and his bandmates are "positively looking for a new singer to work with." A rift with Tyler prompted Perry, Aerosmith’s longtime guitarist, to make the announcement on his Twitter page. I have to admit, the tweet is a nice addition to the Tyler-Perry dynamic, because when you’ve been fighting with someone on and off for nearly 40 years, things can get stale. But there’s a reason these two are often called the "Toxic Twins," and this would be it. They’ve drugged up together, they’ve written legendary songs together and they’ve fought like bitter rivals more often than not. Maybe they’re just trying to follow in the shoes of their role models, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. Tyler probably isn't all that upset by Perry’s announcement, given the fact that he precipitated it by recently declaring his intentions to concentrate on solo endeavors. It’s not the first time he’s made such comments, but combined with the fact that he also stopped communicating with the rest of the band several months ago and hired his own manager, there seems to be some substance to those vows now. The division between Perry and Tyler is so substantial that Perry claimed in a recent interview that Tyler has refused to write a song with him for a decade and that recently, Tyler hung up on him when Perry called him. In spite of all of that, Aerosmith pulled off a few summer concerts and set off on a North American tour in August that ended prematurely when Tyler fell off the stage and broke his shoulder. Now I’m wondering if Perry greased the stage or somehow contributed to the fall, because neither he nor any other members of the band accompanied Tyler to the hospital. Tyler recovered enough for the band to play a pair of recent shows in Hawaii and a set at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix on Nov. 1. The back and forth continued after an interview in which Tyler declared his plans to focus on his own projects, "Brand Tyler," as he called it. Guitarist Brad Whitford and Perry have both talked openly about finding a new vocalist since that interview, maintaining that the band has no plans to break up and is as hot as ever. Of course, it is a bit hypocritical of Perry to rip Tyler for doing the solo thing given that fact that Perry himself just released his fifth solo album and plans an extensive world tour early next year. Heck, Perry is the one who quit the band in 1979 at the height of its drug excess and abuse and launched the Joe Perry project. It took Aerosmith five years to regroup with its original lineup after that, but I have my doubts about their ability to pull it off again.  I also hate the idea of anyone but Steve Tyler as the lead singer of the band, not after 40 years. It wouldn’t feel right, look right or sound right and here’s hoping it doesn’t happen……..

- I’d like to give Google credit for agreeing to pay for WiFi at 47 of the nation's airports for the rest of the year, beginning Tuesday, and giving travelers the ability to get online for free, but I can’t. The offer is part of an effort that includes running a charity campaign to raise money for three nonprofit groups: Engineers without Borders, One Economy Corporation and Climate Savers Computing Initiative. Upon logging onto the WiFi service, users will be directed to a page wherein they are offered the option of donating to the organizations, with Google matching donations of up to $250,000 per airport. This is one of our holiday gifts to our users, and when you connect, we also hope you'll take the opportunity to try some of the latest Google products," the company said in a statement. Whatever, Google. The real holiday gift would be if the airports themselves made WiFi free, because there is no way in hell that’s ever happening. In this case, someone is still making money off of the service; only the source of the money is changing. And personally, I take great offense to anyone paying $4.50 for an hour of Internet usage, period. As for the specifics of the offer, the list of airports with free WiFi includes the international airports in Miami and Orlando, but it also includes smaller airports such as those in Billings and Bozeman, Mont. One possibly interesting feature of the deal will be Google offering users the chance to try its new Google Chrome browser, although that’s extremely self-promotional and not at all altruistic. This isn't Google’s first stab at free WiFi, as the company already offers free wireless Internet to its hometown of Mountain View, Calif., and last month it partnered with Virgin America to give the airline's customers free access to Gogo's Inflight Internet. Both the free airport WiFi and the Gogo promotion will end, so take advantage now if you plan to do so…………

Welcome to Despot Watch 2009, a Heroes recap and AI continues to be all about AI

2009-11-09T23:20:00.002-05:00

- Welcome back to Despot Watch 2009, where we’re tracking the latest actions, threats and oppression from all of your favorite oppressive, domineering dictators around the world. Right now, we have an update on Venezuelan President/Dictator Hugo Chavez, who has urged his armed forces to be prepared for possible war with Colombia amid growing diplomatic and border tensions. My boy Hugo claims that his actions are under the premise of the best way to avoid war being to prepare for it, which of course is a lie. A trigger-happy despot like Chavez doesn’t arm his country for war unless he wants a war and his past comments and attacks on those who oppose him would clearly indicate that he likes conflict – a lot. Colombia doesn’t seem to share Chavez’s penchant for strife and instead of readying its own military, the country’s government intends to seek help from the United Nations. As with all conflict he has engaged his nation in, Chavez is lookin’ to affix blame for the Colombia-Venezuela tensions on his old nemesis, the United States. W., the man Chavez famously called the devil in a speech to the U.N., is long gone and yet Chavez persists in vilifying the U.S. Never mind that Colombia steadfastly maintains that says U.S. forces are only there to battle rebels and drug traffickers; Chavez sees closer military ties between Colombia and the U.S. and he believes a war is needed. "Let's not waste a day on our main aim: to prepare for war and to help the people prepare for war, because it is everyone's responsibility," Chavez said during his TV and radio show Alo, Presidente. He is already escalating things by sending 15,000 troops to the border, citing increased violence by Colombian paramilitary groups. Right, because that couldn’t possibly go wrong in any way. Props to Chavez’s counterpart, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, for saying his government would seek help from the U.N. Security Council and also the Organization of American States. "Colombia has not made nor will it make any bellicose move toward the international community, even less so toward fellow Latin American nations," a statement by Uribe said. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You cannot just go throwing words like bellicose into statements without warning. That’s a three-syllable word and I’m guessing that it flew right over the heads of most people who read it. For the uninformed, bellicose refers to any sort of action denoting a willingness or proclivity to fight. As for the oncoming war, it’s been brewing ever since July, when Bogotá said it would let the U.S. Army use its military bases for anti-drugs operations. Chavez portended conflict in August when he warned that "winds of war" were blowing across the continent. Sounds like someone is spoiling for a fight and looking for any reason to make it happen, Hugo…………

- The cities and uniforms may change, but one thing that doesn’t change with Allen Iverson is that AI is, was and always will be about one thing: AI. He’s bounced from Philadelphia to Denver to Detroit and now to Memphis, but as his skills and athleticism have declined with his career coming to a close, his reluctance to face the reality of those declines has strengthened. In Denver, the Nuggets never won anything with his shoot-first, me-first mentality manning the point guard position. Once he was traded to Denver four games into the 2008 season and replaced with a real point guard, Chauncey Billups, the Nuggets galvanized, took off and made the Western Conference finals. Meanwhile, he managed to wear out his welcome in Detroit faster than anyone had imagined and by season’s end, the team made up a bogus injury and told him that he wasn’t welcome because his malcontented attitude was only bringing everyone down. The issue in Detroit was AI not being willing or able to accept that he was no longer and elite player, no longer good enough to be an effective starter and much better coming off the bench. When the offseason rolled around, not a single team stepped up to express an interest in AI. The man who had become famous for his “practice” rant (Google Allen Iverson and practice and you’ll see it) couldn’t find a team that wanted him at its practices. Not even his former coach in Philly and noted admirer Larry Brown, now coaching the Charlotte Bobcats, wanted to bring AI in. Eventually he found a taker in the hapless Memphis Grizzlies, who inked AI to a one-year contract but refused to hand him the starting spot he so badly wanted but didn’t warrant. The standoff between AI and his new team was postponed temporarily when he missed the first few games with a hamstring injury, but now that AI is healthy and ready to play, things aren’t going very well. He played in all of three games, coming off the bench in all three and averaging 12.3 points per game. He has made no secret of being unhappy with his role coming off the bench and after doing so for the third straight game in the Grizzlies' 114-98 loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, he did not hesitate to point out his non-existent relationship with head coach Lionel Hollins. "I think that's probably the worst part of all this," Iverson said Friday. "That while all this is going on, we have never talked to each other. That's probably why it's at this point right now. We've just never had a conversation, so it's probably going to always be hard for me and him to see eye-to-eye, because we've never even talked to each other. Obviously that's what you do if you're trying to accomplish the same goal." In the wake of his comments, Iverson was granted permission to leave the team to “deal with a personal matter.” That announcement came after Iverson had a meeting with Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley following the loss to the Lakers. I would love to tell you that AI is being shortchanged here and that one of the NBA’s most consistently inept franchises is doing another player wrong, but that’s not the case. In fact, AI is either incredibly stupid or just plan oblivious if he in fact believes, as he has stated, that nobody told him the Grizzlies would be rebuilding after a 24-58 season. Anyone with an IQ above 41 who saw their act last season, saw the moves they made prior to this season and knows even the most basic things about basketball knew the Grizzlies would be terrible again this season. Making matters worse, Iverson doesn’t appear to give a damn about fitting in with his new team and figuring out how to make them better, which, hello, should be the goal of every player. "I'm not trying to figure out how to contribute to no team," Iverson said. "I contribute to a team by just playing. That's it. I don't have to figure it out. Obviously, they signed me for a reason. They've been watching me play this game for 13 years, and they know what I do on the basketball court, so I don't have to figure out how I'm going to play or anything like that. I just go out and play basketball." Sorry AI, but that’s not how it works. Teams – good ones anyhow – don’t just sign 12 dudes, not attempt to mold them into a cohesive unit and allow them to go out with total autonomy and do their best to accomplish what they think will help the team win. In case you forgot, there’s a guy called the coach (the one you don’t talk to) who is supposed to help everyone get on the same page and following his direction. But hey, no one expected anything different from AI. When it comes to basketball and his career, AI has always been about AI and AI alone. Odds are he always will be…………

- Warning! Warning! Strollers of death! If you or someone you know, love or even somewhat like owns a stroller made by Maclaren, you need to listen up. Maclaren, the international stroller-manufacturing conglomerate, and the Consumer Product Safety Commission are recalling approximately 1 million strollers after the company received a dozen reports of children's fingertips getting amputated by a hinge on the strollers. What? What’s the big deal? So a dozen kids had portions of their fingers lopped off by your product, what’s the rush to recall them? Making matters worse, the affected models have literally been sold at points ranging back an entire decade. The models involved include Volo, Triumph, Quest Sport, Quest Mod, Techno XT, TechnoXLR, Twin Triumph, Twin Techno and Easy Traveller. The scope of the recall is massive, but given the irreversible nature of the injuries that can be caused, it makes sense. If you own one of the affected strollers, you should stop using it immediately until you can get a repair kit from Maclaren. Maclaren will provide a hinge cover that can be ordered through its Web site, along with a special phone line. For the engineering-stunted among you, the hinge mechanism is located on the side of the strollers. According to complaints received by the company, injuries have occurred when children are getting into the strollers as well as when they're already seated in the strollers. The recall includes all Maclaren single and double umbrella strollers, and the word "Maclaren" is printed on the stroller. Hopefully some users of this Stroller of Death are reading this story and I will help avert some involuntary finger amputations. As such, I will consider my day a success and move on………

- Tonight may have been the best Heroes episode of the season, even if it wasn’t quite on the same level as the show’s first season. The comedy and bloodshed were both at high levels as Matt Parkman and Sylar made one of the more unorthodox cross-country road trips in memory. Sylar is on a quest to find out what happened to his body and why his consciousness is now trapped inside Parkman’s head. Two episodes ago, he seized control of Parkman’s body, turning the tables and leaving Parkman as the one displaced and without a body. Now, Sylar is en route to New York to find Peter Petrelli because Peter stabbing him in the neck with a syringe inside a limo after posing as the President of the United States to take down Sylar, intending to kill the POTUS. It was shortly thereafter that Parkman used his powers to force Nathan’s memories into Sylar’s body and let Sylar’s shape-shifting power finish the job. To prevent Sylar from making it to NY, Parkman first sabotages him at the airport by hiding a gun in Sylar’s suitcase. That gets Sylar (although his outward appearance to everyone else is still Parkman’s) booted from the flight. The next option is to rent a car and drive, but along the way Parkman uses his mind-control powers to make Sylar not see a large piece of metal lying in the road, which results in a flat tire. Parkman, operating outside his body as an apparition visible only to Sylar, is happy with himself for becoming a thorn in his adversary’s side. Sylar doesn’t like being one-upped and when a tow-truck operator stops to help with the flat tire, he turns the tables again by using a tire iron to bludgeon and kill Hank, the tow truck driver. He tersely explains to Parkman that he’s in charge and that there is a line that only he, Sylar, can cross. Parkman backs down when it comes to killing people and the journey forges ahead. Its next stop is the always-popular Burnt Toast diner in Odessa, Texas. It’s a place where, as Sylar tells Parkman, “I once tried to kill a waitress here.” After ordering the Tahiti pancakes and hanging around for a while, Sylar issues an ultimatum: Parkman must tell him exactly where his body is and how he became separated from it or Sylar, inside Parkman’s body, will kill Lynette, the waitress. Parkman calls his bluff but when Sylar goes ahead with his threat, Parkman caves and tells him the whole story. An incensed Sylar says he was headed to see the wrong Petrelli brother, vows to find Nathan, take his body back and then kill everyone who was involved in taking it from him. Parkman proves he has one last ace up his sleeve on the way out of the diner, an ace with deadly implications. While he and Sylar chatted in the diner, Parkman used his power to compel Sylar to scrawl a message on his napkin about having a gun and planning to kill everyone in the diner. Lynette finds the napkin, calls the police and a half-dozen squad cars surround Sylar/Parkman on the street outside the diner. Parkman smugly vows to end things right here and now and laughs off Sylar’s admonition that if he dies, so does Parkman. Willing to sacrifice his own life to stop a monster, Parkman uses his power once more to move Sylar’s arm inside his jacket as if reaching for a gun and pulling it out, prompting the police to open fire. Sylar/Parkman goes down and the displaced version of Parkman fades away too. The last we see of him/them is in the ambulance as the paramedics try futilely to revive Sylar/Parkman. Speaking of paramedics, Peter Petrelli is having an interesting night of his own in the back of an ambulance. As he works on a man injured in a train accident, Peter somehow absorbs a power from the man that allows him to take on the pain and illness of others, a la Green Mile and Michael Clarke Duncan’s character. The man in the ambulance is able to move his toes for the first time since the accident, signaling that his spine isn't too badly damaged. He’s Peter’s first save, soon followed by a man in the emergency room whose blood pressure and pulse keep dropping to dangerous levels until Peter takes hold of his arm, absorbs his pain and suffering and the man begins to recover. Following the save, Peter spots his new friend Emma, the deaf, “sees sounds as colors” girl who works in the hospital records office. She too is pitching in with a glut of train accident victims hitting the ER, using her background as a former med school student to do a quick suture job on a patient. Peter sees her do her thing and when their paths cross later on in the night, he asks her about it. She admits to having once been in medical school but having dropped out. In turn, Peter shares about his new power and even though he looks like crap and feels about the same, he vows to keep using it. However, it’s Emma’s medical background that proves truly powerful when she finds an unconscious little girl lying on the floor in the ER and yells for help. Peter hears her cry and comes running, but it’s Emma who asks for a thorachotomy kit and uses it to help get the girl’s lungs working again, saving her life. Afterward, she takes a moment to unwind by playing the piano in the hospital’s rec room and Peter joins her. That’s when she shares her story of having her nephew die while she was babysitting him, just prior to the second year of her residency, and dropping out of med school because of it. He encourages her to go back and later on we see her pulling her old, white doctor’s coat from the closet, smiling and looking every bit like she intends to resume her medical career. Life is not as happy for Claire Bennet at lovely Arlington University in Arlington, Va. Her roommate Gretchen is so rattled by the apparent attempts to off her by sorority president and PWP (people with powers) Becky that she’s leaving school, possibly never to return. Those attempts reached their zenith during last week’s Halloween scavenger hunt from pledges at an abandoned local meat packing plant, but Claire vows to protect her roomie and BFF at all costs. To that end, she goes on a fact-finding mission to the Psi Alpha Chi sorority house and meets up with some reinforcements she’s called in: her dad, H.R.G, and the Haitian. The Haitian, a.k.a. Rene, has already wiped the memories of the PAC sisters and H.R.G. lays out a plan for dealing with Becky. He plans to canvas her room for clues to who she is while the Haitian stays with Claire to keep her safe in case Becky attacks again. Back at her dorm room, Claire tries to convince Gretchen to stay but to no avail, even when she explains that the Haitian can use his ability to block others’ powers to keep Becky from going invisible again. After Gretchen leaves, Claire is visited by Samuel Sullivan, who tries to convince her that he understands her because he’s special too and suggests that he come to be a part of his family at the carnival. Claire proves too smart for him, keeping him talking only long enough for H.R.G. to finish up at the sorority house. While there, he does have a face-to-face with Becky, who reveals that she’s actually out for revenge against he and Claire because when Becky was five years old, H.R.G. killed her father in his role as an agent for the Company. She wants revenge by harming his daughter, but H.R.G. says that isn't happening. He’s about to Taser her when another PAC sister walks in, forcing him to abort. Back at Claire’s dorm room, a tense showdown between Samuel, H.R.G. and Claire unfolds in which Samuel fingers H.R.G. for his role in ruining Becky’s life. H.R.G., having already apologized to Becky, is having none of it. He demands answers from Samuel, specifically about the compass he found in Becky’s closet that is Samuel’s trademark. Samuel explains that it is to help protect his family from men like H.R.G. and Emile Danko, whom Samuel accuses of killing his brother Joseph. H.R.G. finally decides he’s heard enough, cuffs Samuel and is about to load him into his SUV (to take him where, I don’t know. H.R.G. doesn’t work for the Company anymore, remember?) when Becky attacks. She knocks down both H.R.G. and Claire, but loses her invisibility when Samuel picks up H.R.G.’s Taser and shoots her. H.R.G. uses the chance to draw his gun, but Claire convinces him to let Samuel and Becky go. They flee back to the carnival, where Samuel assures her she will eventually get her revenge. That talk is interrupted by Lydia, who informs Samuel that Sylar, who has been staying with them (well, his body occupied by Nathan Petrelli’s mind and memories is gone). Nathan/Sylar fled earlier in the day after waking up from a bad dream in looking like Nathan instead of Sylar. Rather than allow himself to be see, Nathan/Sylar summons his power to fly, takes off and by day’s end is knocking on Peter’s door. Nathan confesses that he’s in trouble and needs Peter’s help as the episode comes to an end. Of course, Adrian Pasdar will soon be killed off the show, so Nathan won't be around much longer, that we know. So it was a solid episode and a pretty interesting one from top to bottom. Definitely don’t miss next week’s episode, when my boy Mohinder Suresh makes his return. Until then………

- Even Apple isn't immune for the tech f**k-up, as its multiple releases of iPhone models the past few years have shown clearly. This particular f**k-up is for a different product: Apple TV. Only a few hours after Apple released version 3.0 of the software that runs its Apple TV set-top box, the crap began to hit the fan and the company’s online discussion boards were flooded with complaints. By the time Nov. 7 rolled around, which was the date when Apple advised owners by e-mail to immediately update to version 3.01, the discussion topic TV 3.0 — Many Problems had drawn 134 posts and been read more than 10,000 times on the discussion board. A related topic, Apple TV lost all media, had 108 posts and more than 3,000 reads. The 3.01 update only addressed the "lost all media" issue and left users to deal with the other problems - periodic freezes, random restarts, overheating, sluggishness, disappearing networks, screens going "blocky red" etc. — for the foreseeable future. "3.0.1 has actually made things worse for me," wrote user "laozi" late Saturday evening. "Now iTunes won't see the AppleTV at all, and no combination of rebooting/resetting is helping. Totally stuck. Apple, please fix this." Users are calling it the most problem-prone software upgrade they have ever experienced with an Apple product, which can't possibly be good. Just goes to show you that no tech company, big or small, reputable or not, is immune from f**k-ups and problems when you are upgrading, installing new software or breaking in a new product………