When your only tool is a hammer...

Hammer's demented poetry

2008-08-19T23:37:00.002-05:00

I've seen a lot of poetry in my blog travels. Being of the caveman ilk, I don't usually avail myself to the fruitier pursuits. However, I think I found a way to create poetry for the common man who proudly farts, scratches his nuts and guzzles beer.

Haiku

From inner sanctum
A mighty rumble echos
Dare I release it?

Limerick

Forty beer I did consume
Cans and bottles fill me room
A hairy belly hangs o'er my belt
A more manly odor you've ne'er smelt
If you'll excuse me now my drinking must resume

Monody

Tyrone Jackson didn't do nuffin
Law done shot him cause da crack he's puffin
Tyrone bees a star aflete n sheet
Dribbles dat bassaball on the street

His momma be cryin cause he was a good boy
He thought that glock be a cheap plastic toy
Tyrone be a scholar.. smartest of his kin
He be eighteen in the third grade again

So pour out some o dat malt liquor
For da homey who shoulda run quicker
He point dat gun when da pigs sayed stop
It's all good, we get to watch you on "Cops"

Monorhyme

As I sit on the cool seat of my crapper
A Field and stream magazine sits in my lapper
I'm trying to push but the turd is a trapper
Can't concentrate cause the dog is a yapper
If he doesn't shut up I'll give him a slapper
My poop just broke off... I call that a snapper
Forgot to buy paper I've got to wipe with a wrapper

Hammer's Jackpot meme

2008-08-18T23:38:00.008-05:00

I've grown weary of the same old meme's floating around so I thought I would make one of my own. The basic premise is:

You just won the mega powerball jackpot to the tune of 150 million dollars (after taxes)

1. What would be the very first thing you would do? Pay off all my debts.

2. Where would you choose to live? I would move to a ranch in the country.

3. What kind of house would you live in? Two story 6 bedroom farmhouse with a large detached garage and workshop.

4. What kind of car would you buy? 1961 Chrysler 300

5. Where would you vacation? I would travel the U.S. in a deluxe motor home.

6. Would you have anything on your body fixed? Probably not.

7. What kind of hobbies would you engage in? I would build a large shooting range and a fully functional garage to restore old cars.

8. What charities would you donate to? Second Amendment causes and legal defense funds for those railroaded by the govt for procedural crimes. I would start a very low interest micro loan program for those who wanted to start their own small business.

9. Would you give money to your relatives? Hell fuck no... maybe in an iron clad trust fund that could not be raided or abused and there would be an accountant that would review and approve or veto any and all purchases by the beneficiary...my family is full of weak minded fools and spendthrifts.

10.Would you run away from your current life? Nope.

11. Would you continue to work? I might start a business dealing with antiques and historical artifacts.

12. Would the money change you in any way? It would make me participate in the outside world more.

I'm not going to tag anyone specific but if you would like to do this meme just drop me a note or comment and I will come check it out.

Common or uncommon sense.

2008-08-18T15:40:00.005-05:00

Kelly was writing about common sense with this post.

This sentence got me to thinking:

"That's what I think is happening to common sense. It's dying out because not enough people are having the kind of life experience that makes it common in the first place."

It does seem that fewer people have common sense these days.

Where does common sense come from and where is it going?

The first type of common sense is genetic. I think they used to call it horse sense. An innate form of intelligence and ability to put a sequence of events together before they happen and make the appropriate decision based on limited information.

Example: You are loading your car about to go on a road trip and you see a weird bump on the side of your tire. You know nothing about tires but you take it to the local gas station to get it checked before you get out on the road a hundred miles from the nearest tire store.

That is common sense...and it's rarer than hens teeth. I know most of the folks that read and comment on this blog have at least some of this virtue or you wouldn't have come back after the first visit.

The next type of common sense is what I call: life experience with extrapolation.

Example: Walter is a lazy fuck who procrastinates and doesn't pay his electric bill. Then when the warning letters arrive he doesn't take them seriously and decides he has plenty of time to procrastinate some more. Walter is surprised when he wakes up late for work because his power has been shut off and has to jump through a bunch of flaming hoops and miss more work to get his service reconnected.

All of the sudden, a light bulb goes on above Walters head and he realizes that paying the electric bill is not optional and eventually bad annoying things will happen if you neglect this duty.

The extrapolation part is when Walter looks over at his desk and sees all the other bills he's been neglecting and decides to take care of them too so they don't shut off his phone, cable and Internet.

I bet if you've read up to this point, you are saying to yourself.."well no shit Hammer nobody could be that dumb."

Au contraire. I've met many many people that fall into the next category.

This type I call...you were born without the part of your brain that allows you to learn lessons.

Example: (true story) Maria likes to go out and party after work. Alcohol affects her more than most people and she always ends up stumbling and yelling and making an ass out of herself after two drinks. She insists on driving even though she can't walk, talk or find her car.

Needless to say, she is arrested for drunk driving. Her family posts bail..and that same night she borrows her husband's car and goes drinking, gets falling down stupid drunk and once again gets arrested.

The judge feels sorry for her..she is college educated, articulate, very attractive, has two young children, a good job and a family that will vouch for her. He puts her on probation, gives a verbal warning and approves a provisional drivers license that allows her to go to work.

That night. She goes out and repeats the same behavior and is arrested once again. Her husband begs her to go into an alcohol program and the judge mandates that she stay out of bars and go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcohol is not the problem. If it were booze she could get wasted on the couch in front of the TV no problem...the problem is Maria has a brain not unlike a broken record. This behavior could manifest itself with abusive men, shopping debt, gambling, embezzling etc...

Just so you know, Maria was arrested 18 times in two years for the exact same thing. The judge got tired of it and sentenced her to 4 years in prison. she lost her family, job, home, everything.

Guess what she did the night she got out of prison?

I guess to sum it all up..some people are born with sense, some have to learn from mistakes and some will never ever have a clue even if you beat them over the head with a clue bat.

The Hurt Locker

2008-08-17T21:21:00.004-05:00

Flyinfox asked me to co-author The Hurt Locker . I'm honored at the invitiation. It's mainly for ripping on the crap in society that many people gloss over.

We take everyday issues to the woodshed and whoop the shit out of them.

If you get a chance go check it out.

The anniversary was great. I got my wife a 20 inch flatscreen monitor, 2 dozen pink roses and a subscription to netflix. I got some cool cooking gear, some new shirts and a big glass paperweight with a jellyfish inside.

This made my day.

Blogging tips and tricks updated

2008-08-16T11:54:00.006-05:00

I've been doing this blog thing for a couple of years now. I don't talk about it or even mention it when I'm offline. When cornered, I just say that I talk to people through the Internet and we share stories and recipes and stuff. Part of the reason is, I don't want to have to explain to people why I do it and the other reason is I don't want them reading my shit. Plus, recent commercials are now invoking blogging like it's some pop culture thing and they make it sound really gay.

Right now, I read or try to read about 120 blogs and I add or delete about 2 a week. I enjoy the interaction because honestly I don't get out much anymore. With taking care of the kids, trying to save money and the price of gas, blogging is now my window on the world and a way to meet friends.

I do consider many of you guys friends.

I would like to share some of the things I've learned about being a blogger and running a blog.

There are no hard and fast rules but if you want to increase readership or get your message across, there are a few things you should and should not do. I've learned these from experience.

1. Make sure your screen name links back to your blog. If you are commenting and someone likes what you have to say, make sure they can find your blog with a simple click. I cannot tell you how many times I've searched through a list of blogs that haven't been updated in 3 years to try to find the right one...some folks don't even link their name to their blog and then get all huffy when I don't visit.

2. Enable feeds in your blog settings. Most folks who read a number of blogs have a feed reader. It tells me when you have a new post for me to read. It's really hard to keep track of bookmarked blogs and checking them constantly for new content is hard work. When you don't have feeds enabled it really cuts down on your readership.

3. If you start a blog, the only way to get new readers is to visit blogs that fall into your realm of interest, make good thoughtful comments and be patient. Don't go into someone's blog and link your own blog in the comments unless you have a post that fits in with the topic at hand..even then it's not always good manners.

4. Recognize that there are some bloggers out there that do not comment. If you like the blog, just read, comment and don't expect them to ever acknowledge your existence. Don't get your panties in a twist over it. That's just how some motherfuckers roll.

5. Try to link blogs and posts you find funny and interesting in your own blog posts. People like to be acknowledged. They also appreciate the sentiment and free advertising and may return the favor.

6. Don't get into a pissing match with other blogs. If you disagree with something they wrote, state your reasons politely in the comments and leave it at that. The worst thing you can do is post something that trashes another blogger. You will alienate too many people and get a reputation as an asshole.

7. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. You may step on a few toes but people would much rather read a strong definite opinion than read about puppy foo foo for the umpteenth time because you are too concerned about hurting people's feelings.

8. If you want to place ads on your blog fine...but do not have pop up windows, adverts that change you to a different screen and other annoying bullshit. It just makes reading that particular blog more trouble than it is worth.

9. Begging for money...now this is where it gets tricky. If you want a tasteful little box up in the corner for donations..that's fine...some folks need money for bandwidth, some need it to buy substances that make them more creative and some are just grubbers. Don't be a grubber.

I'll tell you what...as soon as someone puts the tag: "gimme two dollah for a cuppa" on each blog post. I hit the delete button. What the fuck is a cuppa? Why would I want to give you money for one and oh yeah... how about a big hot steaming cuppa shut the fuck up.

10. Don't take yourself too seriously. It's just a blog for crissakes.

GuyK: brought up a really good point : "Another is that many people will not wait for a cluttered site to download. Sites that take more than a few seconds to show on my screen I just click off."

This means tons of HTML, music, large pictures, animations and I don't recommend showing more than a week of posts on one page.

Weeekend mini-rant

2008-08-16T09:26:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning to read this: Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will be right in the middle of his sensational, highly publicized run on Broadway in the play, "Equus." Radcliffe appears naked in the play, on stage, ......about blinding horses and having sex with them

You know guys, I wasn't a big Harry Potter fan but over the years, the series grew on me. You get to like the characters. Plus, a whole generation of kids are growing up with the hogwarts gang. So..now the Harry Potter kid decides he doesn't want to be typecast.

What? Did he just wake up one morning and have an epiphany? " Oh gee I know what will cure me of the Harry Potter curse!" I will get nekkid, stab out a horse's eyes and skull fuck it on Broadway! Yippeee!"

Brilliant...Now instead of being know as the brave and noble boy wizard, you will be known as deeply disturbed horse fucker. .....................................................................................................................................................
Wife of Televangelist Joel Osteen is sued for allegedly assaulting a black female flight attendant.

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected. She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling. Brown wants an apology and wants to punish Victoria Osteen with punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of her net worth

So this woman was hit so hard that it exploded her anus and knocked out her religion gland.?

The people sitting right there in first class saw or heard nothing of the supposed assault that allegedly happened mere inches away from them.

I wonder if Brown is related to the stripper in the Duke rape case.

Mercifully, the jury called bullshit and sent the lying bitch packing.

Speaking in code.

2008-08-15T11:23:00.003-05:00

I'm really terrible with names and proper nouns, to the point where people get offended when I can't remember what to call them. I've learned to compensate somewhat either by repetition or just avoiding names all together. It must of been all the dope my parents smoked back in the 60's that addled my embryonic brain.

So these days when talking to my wife, I use my own code words when trying to describe something to her and she usually knows what I'm trying to say.
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Hammer: Hey, lets go to that place with the good asparagus.

Wife: What place is that?

Hammer: You know...uhhh I think it's called dickhead marys or something.

Wife: you mean P.F. Changs?

Hammer Yeah that's it.
...............................................................................................

Wife: Did anyone call for me when I was gone?

Hammer: Yeah, cock eater called but I told him to try you on your cell.

Wife: Cock eater number one or number two?

Hammer: The one with the drug problem.

Wife: That would be my brother Jeremy

Hammer: Yeah cock eater that was him who called.
......................................................................................................
Wife: do you want anything from the store?

Hammer yeah..ummm can you get some of those crispy ass nuggets?

Wife: Our store doesn't sell them. Do you want me to go to the Walmart?

Hammer: Shit.. just get those smokey butt plugs and I'll put barbecue sauce on them and make do.
...................................................................................................

Wife: Where should we take junior for his birthday?

Hammer: Hmm is Kneel and Bob's still open?

Wife: Dave and Busters? That place is expensive.

Hammer: Yeah you're right, how about Dildo Babes? You know the one with the vermin..

Wife: Isn't he a bit old for Chuck E Cheeses?

Hammer: Shhh he doesn't know that.
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It's our 17th wedding anniversary this weekend. We went and had sushi last night and saw Batman. Tonight We'll probably have the nephew watch the kids and we'll go see a movie, then to the martini bar for some live music and cigars.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Tagged again naturally.

2008-08-15T01:26:00.002-05:00

Maddy tagged me to list 6 quirky things about myself.

Since there are so many I'm happy to oblige.

1. I'm constantly patting my pockets for wallet, keys, etc.. I lost my wallet too many times when I was young and now I'm paranoid.

2. I'm really good at the ring toss and have won the gigantic prize at the midway several times.
Note: winning a huge stuffed bear early in the day really sucks ass.

3. I can't stand to break a fried egg...it goes immediately into the dog bowl and I start over.

4. I can talk my way out of 99% of life's predicaments.

5. I carry a .44 caliber pistol for the 1% that cannot be reached.

6. After a lifetime of being lied to, screwed over and or back stabbed by nearly everyone, I let very few people get to know me.

This month's "Things that piss me off"

2008-08-13T17:46:00.004-05:00

What the fuck good is a prius or any other hybrid for that matter if you are going to paint flames down the side of the sombitch and drive around like your gas pedal has two settings...on and off.

What? You getting about 7 miles per gallon out of that thing? Then I see you at the stoplight glaring smugly at my SUV. You know what? They are going to be scraping that snotty ass look off of the underside of an 18 wheeler when you plow under it at 90mph while chatting on your cellphone about how superior you are for going green. Dickheads.

Here in the states we drive on the right side of the road..that's just what we do. I also expect people would use similar logic while walking in the mall or pushing their cart's through the grocery store...nope that's just too much to expect. I've come to the conclusion that I'm surrounded by the walking braindead; idiots that shuffle around mindlessly with the sole purpose of blocking my way, wasting my time and pissing me off.

I was at the grocery store recently and I ended up in line with a cashier who had his pants hanging down below his ass cheeks. This asshole had red underwear and it looked like a fucking baboon's ass. I was dumbfounded. Then the bastard gave me the hard stare and kill whitey go to hell look.

Since I had the kids with me I didn't make a scene. I called the manager from the parking lot. He started making excuses about him forgetting his belt and that Le Tyronell is really a good boy and he wouldn't do anything like that.

I don't normally go off on people but this time something in my head snapped. I told the manager: Your piece of shit gangbanger cashier exposed his entire red calvin klein asscheeks to me, my children and the 90 year old lady behind me. He also glared at me and did not speak during the entire transaction. If you don't do something about it I'm going to your general manager and to corporate. The phone went silent for a second, then the manager started sputtering...he didn't speak to you...well that's unacceptable... I'll get right on it.

Yeah whatever...The manager was probably afraid of confronting LeTyronell and getting his ass capped on the way to his car at midnight....

The world today.

2008-08-13T07:51:00.004-05:00

The Olympics. Bleh...The Chinese governement is full of backwards thugs that are 1000 years behind on human rights....did you see how they thought it was perfectly ok to have a "more attractive 7 year old lipsynch their national anthem because the 7 year old with the great voice was too ugly? Screw them and screw the people who cater to and excuse such vile behavior.

Russia invades Georgia....I guess they had to invade before the region joined NATO. Putin and his puppet president...just more common street thugs in expensive suits who use force to take what they want but only when they are sure there is no chance of losing.

Large groups of wild subhuman animals are roving and attacking innocent victims for no particular reason. The police chief says "It is part of the culture of the summer," Adams said. "We get large groups coming to the Loop. We want people coming to the Loop to be gentlemen and gentlewomen."

What the fuck? what planet is this dickhead from? since when is roving bands of violent criminals a culture of summer? Sadly this is the 4th report this week of large groups of "ethnic youths" randomly attacking and killing innocent people in our larger cities. There was a big one in Canada as well.

I have an idea! Call in the National Guard and put these suckers down like the rabid animals they are.

Random stuff and a recipe

2008-08-12T00:23:00.004-05:00

Kitem was very kind to send these awards my way. I'm honored to receive them.I'll have to think of some folks to pass them on to.

In other news:

Chula seems to be fine with the new puppy. I'm trying to get Marvin to stop acting like a dick, he gave rusty a lick and then bit his leg...hard The pup is ok. I've been reading some methods on how to introduce a new dog so I'll be trying that tomorrow.

Looks like the squirrels finally packed up and moved on. Maybe the smell of a new dog along with my sniping skills were enough to drive them away. Thanks everyone for the rodent advice. I wasn't about to start feeding them because that would be like paying vandals not to spray paint shit on my walls. I'm more Winston Churchill than Neville Chamberlain when it comes to dealing with the little furry criminals.

My wife is on vacation again this week. I know I say that a lot but she gets 7 weeks each year. Next year she gets another week added to that for 25 years with her company. I think they let her pick out something from the company catalog too.

Here is my recipe.
I call it the Beaner omelet because I think racial epithets are funny especially when they are aimed at myself.

This serves 2:
4 large eggs
2 heaping tablespoons of your favorite salsa
4oz of grated cheddar or mozzarella cheese
1 cup of browned and crumbled sausage
1/2 cup of cooked pinto, ranch style or black beans.
1/4 tsp salt

Beat the eggs, salsa, half the cheese and sausage together and pour into a well oiled nonstick skillet over med heat. stir well then cook until the eggs are nearly done then add the beans. Fold the omelet over and add the rest of the cheese to the top and remove the pan from the heat. Cover and let the residual heat finish the eggs and melt the cheese. You can serve this with warm tortillas.

My son and I went to the movies to see Step Brothers. I swear I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It takes something really funny for me to bust a gut in a movie theater. It's a lot of silly, crude and juvenile humor. The movie is about two 40 year old losers who live at home with their respective single parents...the parents meet at work and get married..they all move into one house and the hilarity ensues.

This movie clip is not work or kid safe

More on the homefront

2008-08-09T21:05:00.006-05:00

As you may remember, I was having a squirrel problem a couple months back. The good news is they have vacated my attic..bad news is they are ripping every leaf off of my big backyard shade trees and drinking the sap out of the thin green shoots.

I walked outside and these 4 inch pieces of tree were floating down at a rate of 3 a minute.

I looked up and the damn squirrels were going to town munching away on my tree and the only leaves left were on the flimsy branches they couldn't crawl to. My yard was littered with their discards. Needless to say, I was pissed.

A couple months back, I had purchased Daisy powerline 1000 as my squirrel killer

Unfortunately, it was upstairs in my gun room. So I grabbed the Red Ryder out of the pantry and started going Chuck Conners on the little sons of bitches. They were hopping and jumping around pissed off as hell as I pelted them rapid fire with BBs.

I went and got my more powerful pellet rifle and waited for the tree rat bastards to return. Sure enough, I saw another tender shoot from my precious tree floating down, so I aimed up and pow! Shot the little mother fucker! He ran into the neighbors yard I didn't see whether I sent him to the happy nutting ground or not.. I really felt kind of bad after that. I had never killed anything on purpose before. But I rationalized that I was protecting my property from being ravaged by the little varmits, so don't hate me.

So now every morning, the girls make me a pot of coffee and I lay on my back on the back steps and snipe the squirrels out of the tree. They are getting a lot smarter and a lot harder to hit. Everytime I feel guilty, I just look over at the two 55 gallon trash bags filled with the pieces of tree they have destroyed.

Then on Friday afternoon my wife comes home with this little guy.

He was sitting on the hood of her car with no collar or tags. So she brought him home in a tote.

She had already named him Rusty so I figured he was already ours. He is a 12 pound Chiuhaha mix about a year old. He's a good dog but Marvin is not a happy camper. I'm having to keep him from kicking rusty's ass.

Here are some funnies

2008-08-09T08:35:00.001-05:00

My most offensive post to date

2008-08-07T21:48:00.004-05:00

Anyone else notice that the dumbest, clumsiest most inept creature on TV these days is the male father figure? He always has a stupid scheme that causes trouble, he is always fucking things up, his kids and wife constantly insult him and treat him with less respect than an unflushed toilet grumpy. The commercials are worse...The regular Joe gets told how stupid he is by nearly everyone. It looks like there is something going on in Hollywood like white male guilt and self hatred by the pussies trying to brainwash us into submission.

When is the last time you saw a minority or a single mom get portrayed as an idiot on a commerical or sitcom? ...yeah me either.

I make it a point not to watch too much celebrity TV but I do like cooking shows because I learn a lot from them. I've noticed that my favorite food shows are starting to bring celebrity guests on to help cook...Paula Deen recently had Rosie O'Donnell on her show. It was fucking disgusting.

After they finished giving each other mutual rim jobs they started cooking. . Julia Childs would have chased that commie bitch out of her kitchen with a carving knife in one hand and a rolling pin in another..god rest her soul.

Then they bring the flamboyant fashion fags onto the next food network star and sure enough the flaming fudge packer starts rubbing up on one of the male contestants, mussing his hair and making sexual comments about his ass...C'mon! Enough already! I'm fine with celebrity pole smokers as long as they don't fucking dry hump everything on the set and make me lose my appetite. Folks like Ted Allen I'm fine with. He is as queer as a three dollar bill but he has composure, class and knows his shit...so to speak.

Why can't we go back to a time where we could say what we wanted, tell dirty jokes without having to look over our shoulder and drink three martini's at lunch if we wanted to? People these days are afraid of saying anything for fear of offending someone..anyone who might sue for discrimination.

Back when I first started working..some asshole would walk into the office and say to the secretary..."nice tits honey" she would either say "thank you" or stand up and kick him squaw in the nuts. Problem solved.

Used to be when two dudes got into a pissing match they took it outside and traded punches until one of the dudes had a change of heart...then they shook hands and went to a titty bar.

Now whenever some candy ass has a tiff with another employee he goes out on work related stress leave and sucks the corporate welfare titty instead of the stripper titty. How is this better?

Our country has become civilized to the point where it resembles a big gaping undouched vagina with PMS and a yeast infection.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

From the WTF files

2008-08-06T23:01:00.006-05:00

I was brushing my teeth this morning and I walked into the bedroom where the kids were watching this thing sing and dance on TV. It's a fucking bumpy dildo man. Am I the only one who sees this? What message are these people on PBS trying to send? Look at dancing one eyed knobbed for your pleasure dildo cock man! Watch him bounce up and down...sheesh WTF?

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15 year old is 462 pounds and thinks eating will kill her.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,395841,00.html

In an average day, she eats several processed ready-made meals, several sandwiches, peanuts, sausages, chips, chocolate and chunks of cheese — washed down with bottles of Coke or milk.

I don't want to sound like a cruel and unsympathatic blogger, but She is 15 years old for chrissakes! Stop buying shit and make her a fucking salad! Her mother needs to be horse whipped for making this food available. Un-fucking-believable..how does this even get on the news? WTF?
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Mexican soliders hold US border partol agents at gunpoint...IN THE UNITED STATES

http://washingtontimes.com/news/2008/aug/06/soldiers-cross-into-us-hold-guns-to-agent/

Since 1996, there have been more than 200 confirmed incursions by the
Mexican military into the United States.

Ok... who the fuck's job is it to keep the Mexican Army out of the United States? We need our troops down there NOW with Abrams tanks, A10 warthogs and shitload of ammo. Where is Blackjack Pershing when you need him? WTF!!

Disturbances in the blogforce

2008-08-06T12:54:00.004-05:00

I've dissected the blogosphere before here here and here and I thought I had pretty much covered it all. Apparently not.

Honestly I'm a pretty conservative person overall. I might sprinkle profanity here and there or talk about weird family stuff, but I think pretty much everyone here knows what to expect from me.

Sometimes I'll click on a recommended link or go check out a new commenter's blog and it will completely disrupt my brain functions. I want to be polite and leave a comment, but for the first time in my life, I'm at a total loss for words.

I'll read it a second time thinking maybe I skipped a punchline or the part where they dropped the LSD but usually to no avail.

Let me give you an example.

"Well I was totally like colonic irrigation you know! Woooo! It was like snowflakes! I didn't know he was into purient pet catalogs shazam! It was completely fergilicious...you know what I'm sayin?"

I scratch my head and wonder if it's some kind of secret code.

Then someone will invite me to their blog and when I visit there is an "artsy?' pic of a woman with her legs spread wide open and the blog entry goes like

" then he stuffed the can of creamed corn into my quivering mound of love jello"

Sorry...I'm not hungry anymore. click!

Then there's the folks that read that I'm a free thinker, vegetarian and automatically assume I'm some hippie dippy peacenik Barak Hussein Obama koolaid drinker.

"we must stop this unjust war at any cost..I would rather they kill me and my family before I would raise my hand in anger to take another human life. When they rape and torture it's Bush's fault be cause he oppressed them."

When I read shit like this it makes me glad I have a trash can handy so I can puke in it.

What's going on inside my head.

2008-08-04T20:32:00.004-05:00

I'm getting over this cold but the sinus part is making it impossible to sleep. As soon as my eyes shut I start choking like some sleep apnea thing is going on. The doc says I have adult onset asthma as a result of the pneumonia I had last year and it's fucking with me pretty hard. I have an inhaler but it doesn't do shit.

Fuck it...passing out from an asthma attack is almost as good as sleeping.

My niece just graduated from college and was hired for a fantastic job with a really good company. The stupid bitch just went out on disability with some fake injury that her quack doctor is prescribing her major painkillers for. She's 25 years old and has been on some kind of narcotic medication since she was 17.

Now her job called and said she might not have a position when she comes back. So what does she do..she went to a water park and rode the rides with this supposed "neck injury" and just planned a trip to Disney world when she's not even sure she has a job. I knew this was going to happen. My niece has been pulling scams with every job she's had and has been let go from 3 really good companies. I'll tell you one thing..this conniving bitch isn't getting any more help from me.

I told my wife to quit telling me gossip or family news that will upset me. Despite the happy go lucky attitude I usually display, bad news regarding people I know and their stupidity puts me in a foul mood. The wife can just let it go but I take my grudges seriously.

You know what really pisses me off ? Someone who bitches about their car being broken but then buys $1000 worth of video games and cries about not haivng any money. When I say shit like.."well motherfucker why do you waste your money on stupid shit instead of taking care of business" They just look at me blankly and call me an asshole.

Maybe I am an asshole but I'm a realistic asshole that doesn't want to hear about your self imposed misery.

I should just make flashcards for all my relatives when they start their shit with me

They would read:

I told you not to marry that bitch

You shouldn't have called in sick 14 times if you needed that fucking job.

If you're broke, why are you drinking an 8 dollar starbucks ice smoothie mocha crappacino?

No. I don't want to go buy you some cocaine.

I told you not to marry that bitch.

I told you your son would still jack off to animal porn even if you moved the computer to the hallway.

Yes Virginia, a case of budweiser each day is alcholism

You forgot your meds today didn't you?

I told you not to marry that bastard.

Anyway, sorry I haven't been visiting and blogging like normal I'll spend this week catching up with everyone.

Feeling better here's a video

2008-08-01T22:07:00.005-05:00

My daughter was saying that it would be hilarious if Barney the dinosaur sang and danced like Tom Jones...so like any good dad.. I made it happen.

UPDATE III Sitemeter is making it so that people cannot read your blog using Internet explorer. You may want to delete sitemeter until they get this mess straightened out.

Monday

2008-07-28T12:34:00.004-05:00

Blogging will be light this week I've got a shitty summer cold. I also sliced my finger open on a can of tomato sauce and the bandages are making it hard to type.

I'll be back to visit everyone once I get to feeling better.

Have a good week!

Embarassing but funny

2008-07-24T09:57:00.006-05:00

I was grocery shopping with the kids yesterday and at the last minute I remembered that we were out of bananas. We headed over to the produce and I grabbed up a bunch. Just as I was putting them in the cart I noticed there were little round stickers on each banana.

My son pipes up with: "look dad it's Obama!" "Yes Brudder it is Obama!" my daughter exclaimed. I looked up and there were some people giving us dirty looks. One guy's face was as red as a beet. I looked down at the banana's and sure enough they were portraits of the characters from the space chimps movie.

My daughter asked me : "Why Obama's face be on the bananas?".

At this point I was getting annoyed at the dirtly looks from the other shoppers so I just said" 'he does look like a space chimp doesn't he..."

Just so you don't think I'm making this shit up...

http://www.slashfood.com/tag/dole+banana/

Lolcats 20

2008-07-24T09:52:00.002-05:00

My latest installment..the kids have been helping me pick out pics and with caption suggestions.

Explaining stuff

2008-07-23T20:36:00.004-05:00

Some people call me a know it all. They think I have an answer for anything...well I do about most things except when people ask me why people behave a certain way..then I have to just wing it.

Daughter #1 "Dad why is that woman drinking coffee and putting on makeup while she's driving?"

Hammer: "I don't know honey, maybe she's just stupid."

Daughter#1: "How did she get stupid."

Hammer: " I dunno maybe her mom and dad were stupid too"

Daughter #1 "Dad, can people catch stupid like germs?"

Hammer: "No but if kids are raised by stupid people then they might grow up not knowing any better"

Daughter: " If I do something stupid does that mean I'm stupid too?'

Hammer: "Only if you do it over and over and never learn from the consequences"

Daughter: " You tell me when I do bad things ok because I don't want to be like that woman"

Hammer: " no problem it's a deal"

Daughter " Oh look that stupid woman got caught by the police mans..is she going to jail"

Hammer: " Yeah probably, it looks like she made the policeman spill his coffee"

A meme

2008-07-22T21:16:00.002-05:00

Six quirky things
Tagged by Lonestar girl

I haven't done a meme in a while so I was happy to oblige on this one.

1. I'm good at making something from nothing or creating the things I need from household objects around me. Once when all my dad's appliances were stolen I used a waffle iron to make steak and potatoes.

2. I always have an urge to fix broken things rather than replace them. Sometimes I'll spend countless hours gluing a shattered dish back together instead of buying a new one.

3. My internal clock makes me a good cook. I can make each part of a meal so it all comes out hot and on time without thinking about it.

4. I have a recurring nightmare where I have several old cars and I end up parking them all over town then forgetting where I left them..when I finally remember they are always gone.

5. When someone pisses me off beyond my normal tolerance and doesn't immediately take steps to correct their behavior, I just walk away and never look back.

6. I often look back on parts of my life, cringe and say to myself..."What the fuck were you thinking?"

Examining the profanity.

2008-07-22T15:49:00.003-05:00

I get quite a few comments about my creative use of profanity.

There was an episode of Spongebob on recently that called them "sentence enhancers" I kind of agree. Sprinkling these enhancers in the right places usually helps the reader know exactly how much disdain or emphasis you wish to communicate regarding a subject.

Example: The cashier at the store gave me incorrect change for my 20 dollar bill and refused to admit his error.

Enhanced: The syphilitic cunt face at the fucking store ripped me off for ten bucks and then that pole smoking cum gurgler had the audacity to deny it.

Example: Honey, do we have any of that personal ointment..my hemorrhoids are acting up again.

Enhanced: Gotdamnit! My corn hole feels like it's been sodomized with a barbed wire dildo..gimme that ass cream and a tampon before I fucking bleed to death!

The enhanced sentence seems to reveal more emotional details and gives the reader a more honest perspective on the situation.

My youth was spent less fist fighting with bullies and more trying to out insult them.
I started out innocent and pure and due to necessity I became a seasoned spewer of vile verbal filth.

It would go something like this...Setting 3rd grade playground

"Hey hammer your dad gives great blowjobs and he only charges a quarter a blow"

Me " At least I have a dad, your mom got pregnant during the third act at the donkey show"

Sometimes my insults would go too far and I would be sent to the school counselor and given a psychiatric evaluation. I either passed or was so screwed up they didn't know what to do with me.

Sometimes the 8 year old Hammer likes to take over during a blog post and sprinkle some sentence enhancers around.... and no I don't want to talk to any more fucking shrinks.

B.S piled even higher

2008-07-21T15:58:00.005-05:00

I've been married 17 years and I've only paid half attention to the shit that litters her side of the sink. What the fuck are all those tubes and bottles for? It's like some fucked up chemistry lab over there. She has baskets and bags of these fancy ass frosted bottles piled four deep. Under the bathroom cabinet is even more of this bullshit..what in the hell is it for and why do women need all this shit for basic hygiene?

White tea skin guardian....liquid moisture...silk therapy..balancing cream...extra emollient face cream..cleansing gel...buffing cream...supercharged moisture cream..stress relieving vapor bath....and more...Are we doing skin care or running a fucking body shop? I use soap and shampoo... as long as it doesn't smell like strawberry douche cake.

What the fuck is up with all these febreeze and room sprays... if you have something stinky in your house fucking remove the offending item. Don't spray the dead cat with cinnamon burst room oxidizer...you are only compounding the problem. Air freshener is bullshit. I have an idea!Don't be a dirty bastard and maybe your house won't smell like a fucking bait shop dumpster.

Speaking of stink, what the hell is the deal with those worthless vent fans you find in most bathrooms? They don't suck the farts out of the room and they sure as hell don't remove any bad smells. I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance. Bathroom ass fans are pure bullshit.

My favorite month of the year is August...you know why? No fucking holidays. If the bank isn't closed, it isn't a real holiday. All these hallmark excuses to buy gifts and cards are bullshit, Mothers day..if you don't care enough to call mom or buy her something when it's not an obligatory gift day then one or the both of you is an asshole and you should call the whole thing off...

Secretaries day, grandparents day, earth day, St Cock Fluffers day... Isn't there just a fucking day where we don't celebrate anything? Tell you what folks...if you know someone who deserves some recognition just fucking give it to them and ignore the bullshit holiday. Conversely, don't give shit to people you hate just because some cock master on TV told you it was "ex wives day"