Madge G. Sinclair

Updates, boy am I full of em, Hiya kids!!!

2009-09-22T21:33:00.005-05:00

Well,

Kids, kids, kids. Long ass time no see, I know, I know, stop bitching at me. Granny has been busy playing mother to everyone she knows. So here it goes:

Agnes suffered a pretty bad stroke four weeks ago, and we almost lost her. She is partially paralyzed, but she is making amazing progress. She has spent the last four weeks in a nursing home slowly regaining her strength and learning how to talk again, the doctors said that she should be able function somewhat like her old self, but she will need to have constant assistance. Betty and I go see her everyday, and even though the three of us can't go bar hopping like we used to, we still play cards and gossip the hours away.

Dana had her baby last month, and though she was a few weeks early, my new granddaughter is beautiful, and a fighter, just like her grandma! Gosh, she is just beautiful, just beautiful, I love her so much!! My son told me that they are moving to Denver and that they want me to move there too. I am giving it serious thoughts, kids, because Kansas City is definitely experiencing more crime and it's time to move on.

I have talked this over with Betty and Agnes and the two of them cannot bear to part with me. So, the three of us decided that we will ALL move to Denver once Agnes has recovered enough to survive such a move, and we've decided that we'll share a house together. Betty said she'll tell her husband this once the move to Denver is complete...

It has been a very trying summer, dear children, and I apologize for not keeping you up to date more often. Please pray for my friend Agnes. It has been a cruel summer on her.

Blessings and peace,

Madge.

My kids are fighting again...

2009-08-09T22:12:00.002-05:00

Only this time, since they are grown up, they are not involving me. Thank God! My kids used to fight all time, even when we lived in that big house out on Elmridge. Of course, back then it was easier to get them to stop fighting by telling them lovingly, "NOW YOU TWO QUIT FIGHTING OR ELSE YOU'LL BOTH BECOME STRANGE SMELLS IN THE ATTIC!!!!!!"

That worked right up until high school. Now, if I try, I'll fail at getting my kids to stop fighting period. I guess I could fake a heart attack here and there, but we'll see. Granny's got a scheme a cookin' right now, so stay tuned, muah hahahahaaa!

I let the militant mother in me rage today.

2009-07-16T21:47:00.003-05:00

Kids! You won't believe my day! I have never been more pissed in my life (not even when they switched labels on my Beano!) Today, I was at the grocer's and I was in the soup aisle, when suddenly a woman and her teenage son walk passed me arguing. That teenage son had the nerve to swear at his mother...IN the grocery...WHERE everyone could hear! Oh, the names he called her, it was worse than anything I've ever heard coming out of a kid's mouth!

So, being the wise old sage that I am, I used my stern motherly voice and said, "Excuse me, young man, but if I ever hear you disrespect your mother like that again, I'll kick your snotty little tuckus till hell won't have it again!"

Then, to my surprise, the mother jumps in and defends him, saying, "Where do you get off talking to my kid like that?!"

I replied, "Listen lady, I've passed four big heads through my tiny loins, so I've earned the right to say anything I damn well please. If any of my kids ever spoke to me the way your son did to you, they would have been throttled within an inch of their lives!"

The kid told me to shut up, and I said to the mother, "Well it's nice to know the spawn of Satan is alive and well..." So I went about my shopping.

I know it's the 2000s, but seriously...

HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO KIDS!!!

2009-06-19T20:54:00.003-05:00

Long time no see, how ya been? Well, to give you an update, my birthday (June 5th) was wonderful. Can you believe that I am 77 fucking years old! Gal damn already, 3 years and I hit the big 8-0! Shit! (Hey, I know you don't like hearing old ladies swear, but dammit, I've survived two world wars, Reaganomics, two Bushes, several recessions, and I grew up in the Great Depression, so dammit, I can fucking swear all I want!)

Ok, birthday was fun, Agnes (who is doing well, still idiotically naive, but fine.) and Betty (she's a republican, she's got money, so you know she's fine) took me out to lunch at Kansas City's finest restaurant and then we went to the Video Saloon to knock a few sherries back. Thank God for cabs otherwise we'd a never made it home in time to pee. Old ladies bladders only last so long!

In other news, I got Maxine a shiny new collar, I sold my car to buy a new used one, and Dana (my evil daughter in law) is due sometime in late July, early August and I can't wait to be there for the birth. I hope that kid has a huge head, it'll serve Dana right for being such a witch to me the last few years (she comes from snooty parents, oy!)

Let's see, oh, I have totally restocked my book shelf with new flashy romance novels loaded with all that steamy sex I like to read about. Well, I don't have a man, and after going through all that crap with the late Murray, I've decided to stick with my novels and let those fictitious Southern Belles have all the fun.

Now, if you excuse me I have some serious knitting to do this evening while I watch old comedies on MeTV.

Love you kids!

~Madge

Oh Gosh!

2009-05-17T21:09:00.001-05:00

I miss you already! Well, the good news, kids, is that I am not going away forever. I just don't have time to write to you all. But, feel free to read my past letters to you all about my crazy life. And keep me abreast with how you all are doing! I read your comments and enjoy hearing from you. I'll try to post something next month about my birthday, which is coming up soon, so break out the cake, Chippendale dancers, and wine!

Love you, dears!

~Madge

Well my dears...

2009-04-22T16:05:00.004-05:00

I hardly come on here any more. The truth is, I am an old lady and I forget things. Ok, the real truth is I decided to cancel my internet service at home to save money. Thanks to this recession, my retirement funds have shrunk, and my late husband's 401 K payments have been cut back, so I am cutting back on things I don't need.

I have been without internet for a couple of months now and I don't miss it. I have my steamy novels, my little Maxine, my free digital TV (I FINALLY broke down and bought that damn box they were advertising and my son installed it for me). And I have my cellular phone, Betty, Agnes, and all of you. But lately, it's been much harder to come here to the library to use the internet to write about what I have been doing.

So, much to my sadness, I have decided that for now, this is going to be the last time I write to you all. A little old lady has a busy life too. From volunteering to lunch with the gals, I have a full schedule. Plus, I am a regular usher at the parish, so I am a busy old Braud. I love you all so dearly and I am so glad you have become my friends, even if it is over the internet.

Perhaps one of these days I will come back and catch you all up on my life, but for now, my dear sweet gems, I must say goodbye.

Love always,

Madge Geraldine Sinclair

UPDATE: I will try to post on here once a month at least. I know it would be too hard if I never came back. I can't do that to you kids, especially since none of you are related to me...

Well...

2009-03-23T16:50:00.003-05:00

It's been a damn near month since I have written to you, children! Sorry, but old ladies have lives too, you know (unless you're Agnes, who now thinks she is Cleopatra reincarnated).

So here's the ropes, kids:

I've been busy planting my bulbs. Tulips, Irises, and Hyacinths, oh my! Yes, spring is here, and so is allergy season. My allergies are not so bad, and it could be worse, I could be Betty who is allergic to everything but pollen (how that woman gets by, Lord only knows!)

Murray stopped coming to the senior center all together. Everyone shunned him for what he did to me, oh ok, that's a lie, he's dead. Heart attack in the middle of gin rummy, never saw it coming. The poor dote. He made have broke my heart, but I could never wish him any harm, I don't care if I am the bitchiest old woman in the Midwest! So rest in peace, Murray. I hope you don't break any old lady hearts in heaven, or God will get you.

On a lighter note, Dana, my pregnant daughter in law is beginning to have lower back pains! (I love my grandchild already!!!) She won't be due till probably September or so, which means my darling little grandchild will continue to give her a couple of extra kicks for granny! (see, told you I am the bitchiest old woman in the Midwest!)

Now, my dears, where were we? Oh yes, catching up! Well Maxine's fine, I'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine. Now goodbye, I got to go catch the news!

Love,

Madge

Men...!

2009-02-24T13:16:00.003-06:00

I swear to God, I am never dating again, children! After seeing Murray for a couple of weeks I learned the truth about him. First of all, Sylvia never had the flu last month when she missed our monthly senior dance at the center. She stayed home because Murray had dumped her. Sylvia doesn't have a dime to her name and when Murray found that out, he dropped her like a sack of potatoes.

Then, after Murray learned that I am loaded, he came onto me like white on rice. No wonder he was so sweet and charming and talked about taking a weekend cruise in the Bahamas. That crooked old fart was only after my purse strings and not after my G strings!

This last week I learned the truth. Old Betty, the gossip queen of the center, overheard Murray talking to his buddy Ed about how he's going to live on easy street now that he found a "Braud who has more money than God!" That Schmuck! So, at our final date, I dumped him, and he wouldn't accept it. I told him we're through, and he said is not taking that for an answer. So I said, "Fine! Then take THIS for an answer!" And I hit him in the groin with my purse.

Listen kids, I didn't burn my bra in the 1960s only to be taken advantaged by some old geezer who has his sight set on my retirement money. That money is for ME, ME, ME, dammit!

Now if you excuse me, I need to go eat the last slice of cheesecake while I watch "The Young and the Restless."

Maybe I'll get lucky and see Murray hanging from the flagpole by his pants!

Hi kids.

2009-02-10T10:58:00.002-06:00

How are you all? Well, I am excited because for the first time since my husband died, I have a date for the senior center's Valentine's evening ball! And yes, you guessed right, it's Murray! He's all mine - I only had to push that tramp Sylvia down a flight of stairs to win him over!

Murray hinted that he would try to ply me with wine and take advantage of me at the ball, but I told him, no chance in hell....at least not until AFTER we've eaten the roast beef dinner and the chocolate mousse that they are preparing! Fine food first, then physical pleasure, that's my motto!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well it's the last day of January...

2009-01-31T19:48:00.001-06:00

Which means tomorrow is February, which means, we only have a month and 21 days left of winter, YEEHAW!

Ah winter...

2009-01-24T14:17:00.002-06:00

Such a peaceful season! Thank the good Lord my home has a fire place, a gas fire place, so it's easy to manage. Today it's about 23 degrees out there, which to me is very cold. Today I have stayed in all day with Maxine drinking Ovaltine, knitting, reading, and planning out my day tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to the early service, and then I need to report to the senior center since it's my Sunday to do meals on wheels for our shut-ins. I love visiting the shut-ins, we swap stories and recipes, and we play cards till sunset. It's against the center's policy, but I always sneak in some wine for everyone. Hey, nothing like some wine, cards, and laughter to brighten up what otherwise can be a miserable existence. I feel very lucky that I can still live at home and do whatever the hell I want to at my age.

I encourage all of you, dear children, to go visit the elderly in your area. A lot of us have no one anymore and it's really disheartening. You have no idea how much joy you can bring into these peoples' lives until you go out and visit them. It makes a real difference.

Happy Saturday!

Madge.

Out with the old!

2009-01-20T09:24:00.002-06:00

Hallelujah, Bush's reign of terror is over! That scum bucket has flushed our country down the drain! And now he will get to retire alongside his oil buddies whom he and Cheney helped to become the richest men in the world. You boys can have your money because you and your billions will burn in hell!

Meanwhile, I welcome President Obama! I have one thing to say to Obama besides congratulations: You screw up in your first term and I'll wring your neck!

Oh how I ache!

2009-01-13T10:14:00.002-06:00

The dance yesterday went very well, with the exception that I sprained my ankle doing the Bunny Hop. But hell, it was worth it, I got to dance with Murray! That vamp Sylvia didn't even show up to the dance, it turns out, she has the flu!!! Ha ha! Revenge! So I danced two hours with Murray until he had to run to the washroom (apparently, the Chicken ala King repeated on him).

Agnes and Betty helped me into bed yesterday, and I put ice on my ankle which has swollen a little, but now it is doing better. If I don't feel better by this afternoon, I am going to call Betty and ask her to take me to see Dr. Fein.

Wish me luck kids!

Who is sassy, gassy, and full of old world charm?!

2009-01-12T09:59:00.002-06:00

Me, of course! Well today I have an exciting event to attend at the senior center: The Annual Winter Luncheon and Dance-a-thon! The lunch starts at 12, and the dancing starts at 2, giving us all enough time to pop our Beanos and our arthritis medications to cut a rug on the dance floor!

I am hoping this year I'll get to dance with Murray, he's a 77 year old retired accountant who is still very handsome, and every year I try to dance with him, Sylvia always cuts in. (She is notorious at the center for being the vamp of elderly folks).

Aside from Murray, the luncheon menu this year will feature Chicken ala King, asparagus, reduced-salt mashed potatoes with reduced salt, low fat gravy (what an insult!), and for dessert, prune danish! Agnes and Betty are supposed to pick me up in an hour and fifteen minutes, and my hair is still in curlers, so kids, I need to run for now.

Have a great day!

Here's a little joke for you.

2009-01-09T15:07:00.003-06:00

What do you call a power-abusing money-hungry scoundral? Governor!

Ha ha!

Congrats to the people of Illinois, your state Senate will put your crooked governor on trial. I hope that scum gets removed, I do not like any dirty dishonest politician regardless of their party affiliation!

Meanwhile...

I had to take Maxine to the vet today, which means I had to drive today. It is 65 degrees and sunny outside so I don't mind, but still, I HATE driving, it stresses me out!

Tonight when I get home I need to make a bag of popcorn so that I can watch the Newshour with Jim Lehrer to learn more about the scandulous politics of my neighboring state, Illinois.

It sure is wintery out there!

2009-01-06T11:23:00.003-06:00

Hello kids, how are you all doing?! I am doing fine, it is snowing a little bit here in Kansas City, so I am going to have to postpone doing my errands until the roads are cleared. At my age I don't take any risks, especially since last winter when I hit that patch of ice I accidentally pinned old Mrs. Burlfein between her mailbox and my fenders. (The woman was already in a wheelchair, so how much more damage could I have done?!) So yes, I don't drive when the weather gets nasty. So today I am cooped up on my easy chair with a hot toddy and a trashy romance novel, which is very nice, especially since I am at the point where the damsel in distress throws herself into the arms of her swarthy hunky lover who grabs her and and spins her into his arms as her dress tears off her steamy body. I better stop there before you all wet yourselves...

P.S. I picked out a new design for this online blog, do you like it?

New Year's Eve was fun.

2009-01-05T10:38:00.004-06:00

I had Agnes, Betty, Claire, Judy, Ruby, and Stella over for our annual New Year's Eve bash. I had all my snacks and champagne ready to go and I tuned in to Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve. I tell you, for a man twenty years my senior, he is handsome!

I brewed a large pot of coffee, which helped us old brauds to stay up till midnight and the snacks, card games and laughter continued well into the night. Agnes certainly did better than I thought she would. She only had two spells of brain farts. The first spell was when she thought we were celebrating Midnight Madness, and the second spell she thought Martha Stewart was a lesbian who did Broadway musicals. (Yes, children, old age can be very cruel).

We managed to make it till midnight, but soon after I brought out the inflatable mattresses and bedding and the gals stayed the night. At our age, we don't drive in the dark, mainly because we can't see well, but also because we're too afraid of being out and about late at night. So we stayed in and played gin rummy.

I knew we were all getting tired when we stopped playing for money and started playing for tubes of Preparation H. Hey, at our age, Preparation H is indeed a pot of gold!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T11:27:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe it is 2009! Holy Moley! Where did the time go? Gasp! I'll be 77 this year...oh that 80 year bench mark is inching closer and closer! Oh woe is me!

Thank God they're all gone!

2008-12-29T13:00:00.003-06:00

I love my children and their spouses, BUT...

My old age is for ME, ME, ME!!!!

Dana was a lot nicer this Christmas, she even kissed me on the cheek and called me "mom." It took every bone in my body not to throw up, but I suppose I ought to be nice to her since she is carrying my son's baby.

Now, I saw my two grand kids from my oldest (who stayed in a hotel because she didn't want to burden me) and they are wonderful. It's something funny, my kids drive me nuts, yet my grand kids do not! Talk about ironic!

Anyways, my kids ate a lot, my grand kids played a lot, and I drank a lot. All in all, not a bad Christmas!

Now, bring on the New Year's celebrations! Agnes, Betty, and I are having a few gals over at my place for some gin rummy, champagne, and all the snacks you can eat! We will watch the ball drop at 11:59 p.m. Happy New Year!

Love,

Madge

p.s. Can you believe it?! One more year and we start a NEW decade! Oh God I am getting OLD, OLD, OLD! Hell, I can remember when we were counting down to the 1950s! Now before I know it, we will be counting down to the 2010s. Oh Lord have mercy!

This is why I stay at home...

2008-12-27T21:42:00.002-06:00

I stay home for my own safety...Here is why!

Not to mention...

You go to the movies, some psycho shoots you.
You go to the mall, some psycho shoots you.
You go to college, some psycho shoots you.
You go to work, some psycho shoots you.
You go on the bus/train/subway, some psycho shoots you, or blows you up.
You go grocery shopping, some psycho shoots you.
You go to Walmart, a herd of psychos run you over and trample you to death.

This is what happens when you don't subject people to a psychology test before giving them their guns. Normal healthy people who have guns are ok, they are responsible, but the rest of you out there... I am staying home because of you!

Well...

2008-12-23T11:01:00.001-06:00

Hi there kids,

How was your weekend? Mine was busy. I had to finish wrapping presents for my children who are coming later today, and I also had to get my groceries for Christmas dinner (which includes that all important aspirin for after I finish all that cooking). The house is ready to go with my Christmas knick knack collection, and today I am baking all of my Christmas cookies, pies, and cakes. Little Maxine has her Christmas bow on her dog collar and I let her unwrap her present early: a nice doggie bone and a bag of Beggin' Strips treats.

Now, if you all excuse me, I just heard my timer go off, I gotta go put my last batch of cookies in the oven!

Merry Christmas! I won't be able to update again until after the kids leave this weekend, so if I don't see you, kids, Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge

I found the perfect Wine blog!!

2008-12-18T19:48:00.003-06:00

I just found the perfect wine blog by a young gal named Alpana. She has the most delicious recipe for mulled wine, which is an old holiday treat from my day! I just love her blog, and I encourage you to go visit it!

What Would Alpana Drink?

Happy Holidays and wine drinking!

Love,

Madge G. Sinclair

Dear Santa...

2008-12-17T21:04:00.003-06:00

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for you to cook Christmas dinner for me so that I don't have to because my damn kids demand Martha Stewart style holiday banquets. (Damn you, Martha Stewart!) In exchange for this favor, Santa, I will refrain from calling up Mrs. Clause to tell her about our hot, tawdry love affair two years ago. Hey, you owe me, Santa. You remember that gift you gave me two years ago? Well it took two weeks of penicillin to get rid of it!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge Sinclair (Your former squeeze)

Christmas Cards, Bunyons, and Gas! Oh My!

2008-12-16T19:15:00.002-06:00

Yes, it has been a busy week. I had to go in last Thursday for a minor foot operation, I had a bunyon the size of a half dollar on my left foot (which I think God gave me as a punishment for kicking a parishioner who cut in front of me at the Eucharist that Sunday).

So I was in bed all week recovering, which I used that time to finish off my Christmas cards and watch some dirty movies. My daughter came into town to help me and she was horrified when she learned that Betty brought me my dirty movies. Her exact words were, "Mother I can't believe you are watching this!" I told her, "Hey! What's the big deal?! Do you think I'm gonna go down to the senior center and find someone to do that with?!"

So to make a long story short she took away my movies and I had to watch Little House on the Prairie. That's ok. I got my revenge after two days of consuming beer and Fritos. I about gassed my darling daughter outta the house! That'll teach her to interupt me when I'm watching "Erotic Days of our Lives!"

Oh Lord...!

2008-12-09T21:40:00.002-06:00

I really wish Jesus would come back so that I don't have to mail out all these damn Christmas cards! Why, oh why do I have to know so many people? I already have arthritis bad enough as it is, my poor wrists will be shot after writing all 200 Christmas cards! Lord have mercy!

Meanwhile, I've been having a good laugh from the news that the Illinois governor was arrested for trying to sell off Barack Obama's seat in the senate. That governor is such a dumbass, hasn't he learned a thing from the Republicans?! You DON'T get busted for money scandals,instead, you get busted for sex scandels. That way, you can put on a show of remorse and say that you are an immoral pig and that you are going to Christian boot camp to "change" from your lewd ways. The Republicans are experts in this, after all, they are the Grand Old Perverts (GOP).

I tell you, it's just a world gone mad!