The RacksPack Summer Tour

RACKSPACK AWARDS 2009

2009-11-14T15:55:00.004Z

So as the season draws to a close it's time for the most eagerly anticipated night of the year, the Rackspack awards. At this years star studded gala event there were tears, laughter, more tears and lots of hearty handshakes and hugs as we celebrated the season that initially promised so much but ultimatly left us without the big prize.

As a special end-of-season treat for all our loyal fans out there in webland we've dug out this exclusive footage of life at Rackspack Towers. Click on the link below to see just what a well run operation RACKSPACK PLC is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXDC56ERO4Q

So without further ado here are the highs and lows of the season, some serious and some not so serious. The Rackspack awards 2009.

The Wish You Were Here Award

The nominees are Lee Greenwood, Ben Kiely. Gents, you didn't play all season. In our book that means you didn't lose a game. You're both winners.

The Peaked Too Early Award.

Keith Walls - who broke and dished first frame of the season and never did it again. Shortly afterwards the Showboat jackpot was born.

The “It's good to talk but sometimes it's better to shut the heck up” award

Awarded for the least helpful phone call of the season and goes to John Young. John saw Neil's car heading in the wrong direction while we were at White Waltham Social Club, so he rang Neil and told him to turn round and drive back in the other direction. Twenty minutes later we realised that it wasn’t Neil's car after all.

The Text Of The Season Award

Nominees are:

Kevin Southam for “Brads got dished by steve cox!” to Keith

Brad Robinson for “HONK HONK!“ to Neil Cameron, who was missing only his second game in three years and got this to tell him that Brad had taken the first showboat in his absence.

Craig Wilson for “I'm on the way“ sent shortly before he failed to turn up for his first appearance of the season.

No danger here as the most hated man in pool just adds to his growing reputation by texting Neil the HONK HONK - 'oribble man.

The Double Doughnut Of The Season Award
in association with Krispy Kreme – make mine a double – and Hovis – only the best bagels for your table.

The nominations are:

John Shiel v North Maidenhead Cricket Club

John Shiel v The Pond House

Neil Cameron v WAMSAD

The winner is...John Shiel v The Pond House. Not only was it a double doughnut, but it had the unique twist that he managed to lose twice to the same player - Rob Sparks. John wins a lifetime supply of doughnuts and bagels courtesy of our proud sponsors.

The Prince Phillip “you really shouldn’t have said that” special award for the most ill-advised statement of the year.

John Shiel for “just wait and see how many clearances I have this season”

Keith Walls for “Don’t worry there's 3 more after I lose this one.”

Kevin Southam for “Pick a number between 1 and 6” “5” “that’s me!”

Brad Robinson for “He’s never getting on that red from here”

A tough one. John's statement is obviously a classic, but in a close run thing between Keith's announcement at 6-2 up in the semi as he was about to play, and Brad's keen observation while Giles was dishing him up – it's going to Keith.

The Bum-drop Award

Awarded to those special players who cracked under the intense pressure of the showboat. The nominees are:

Neil Cameron – as he dambuster'd his white ball down the cushion trying to pot his last yellow

John Young - hits the jaw with black to the middle for £22

Keith - for forgetting to nominate a colour with the clearance at his mercy at NMCC

No contest. Despite the difficulty of the pot, JY's black that looked in all the way takes it. The tense build up, the change of mind at least three times on the shot, the fact it looked in and just clipped the knuckle - it had everything.

The “I Own You Rackspack Monkeys” award

All worthy winners - these are the players who regularly beat us up during the season.

Rob Sparks - Pond House

Steve Cox - The Bear ( who also dished up Brad)

Giles Denny - The Bear (who was another to dish up Brad, and was the only non-racks player to have benefited from the showboat to the tune of £1)

Tracy Harmon - The Pond House

The “Steven Seagal/Jennifer Anniston award” to the worst bit of acting by the team this summer. The joint winners are:

The team pretending to commiserate with Keith as he puts in the clearance of the season, only to free the black from his last potted red and watch it double into the middle. He not only blows the showboat but also loses the only remaining unbeaten record in the team.

At NMCC, Brad breaks and dishes to win the £2 Showboat Jackpot and everyone cheers and celebrates like we won the cup as Kevin had pocketed the £25 showboat jackpot two frames earlier.

Giles dishes up Brad with an astonishing combination of potting and good luck. We all try to tell Brad how unlucky he was while punching the air behind his back and laughing.

Showboat Clearance Of The Season

Kevin v The Pond House

Kevin v NMCC

Brad v The Pond House

Brad v NMCC

Without doubt the outstanding clearance was Kevin's against the Pond House. Having snookered himself on the final ball he managed to not only get out of the snooker but pot it and land perfect on the black - the epitomy of a Showboat finish.

Finally to complete the ceremony it's traditional to present the Honeypot loyalty club award for the most regular visitor of the season to the pot. However I can confirm that no one from the Rackspack team, staff, or affiliates visited the HP season at all not once. Ahem.

So that's it for another season. Congratulations to HEINZ 57 for winning the cup, and here's to next season when surely, and not before time, The Rackspack claim the prize that is rightfully theirs. Will they be together next season? Who will be captain? Does anyone care? All the questions and more will be answered right here so keep your tips sharp, your suits sharper, and your mouse pointed at rackspack.blogspot.com.

Until next summer, happy cueing.

K&K

Semi Final Match Report

2009-10-08T14:27:00.006+01:00

So it came down to this - Rackspack v Heinz 57 for a place in the final and the right to call this season the most successful ever for the Rackspack. There was rivalry everywhere you looked as players from both teams had, at some point, played both for and against each other in different teams over the years, most recently and perhaps predominantly for the Irish Club side from the Slough League.

We’re friends, fighters, lovers (in the case of Ray and Andy) and, to a man, battle-hardened pool playing veterans.

For some of us it had been a busy weekend of pool. Craigy, Brad, Andy, Terry, Neil and myself had all been at the Interleague finals in Great Yarmouth. I’d entered the national singles and so had played 6 hours on Thursday, another 9 hours Friday and 5 more Saturday. With so much baize-time under our belts neither team was going to have much in the way of excuses as we lined up to face each other in the semi finals of the world’s greatest knockout pool competition! [that last bit was a complete lie – ED]

DREAMS MEANS HEINZ

or

57 varieties and all of them budget

For some reason Monday’s semi-final was being played at the Barn Club in Marlow, the home venue of Heinz 57. This is notable only for the fact that previous semi-finals had been held at neutral venues. Had we thought about it we could have asked the captain of Heinz 57, one Terrence Dingley, who also happens to be the League Chairman, but that happy coincidence escaped us as we prepared for the biggest match of our season. We were looking forward to playing at NMCC on a the nice supreme table, but the Barn Club had two tables in very good nick and I was quite impressed by the set up.

For the match that could make or break our season Coach Southam had seven of is finest to choose form. John 'Sol Campbell' Young had not been heard from since the previous Monday. He was supposed to be coming to Yarmouth to play in the Interleague finals but never appeared and no one had seen or heard from him since the previous last Thursday. His continuing absence left us with The Wonder, The Bear, Muttley Wilson, Magic Cameron, Tizzard the Wizard, Hokey Cokey Shiel and Coach Southam. Who was going to be dropped?

SELF SACRIFICE

It’s 16th March 1912, and Captain Scott’s hand-picked team of explorers had been beaten by the Norwegians in a race to the south Pole, and they faced near-certain death as their return trip was best by problems and injury. Aware his ill-health was slowing the team down and compromising their lives, Captain Lawrence Oates told them that he was “just going outside for a walk and I may be some time” before walking out into the blizzard.

In a act of perhaps even greater self-sacrifice Coach Southam took himself out of the first six. Was it the supreme act of selflessness a la Oates and his suicide? Perhaps. Of course it may have had something to do with the fact there was no Showboat Jackpot anymore and without the money he wasn’t interested. Either way he was on a drop-tip.

Hokey was up first and looked set to clear up on his first visit. We girded our loins and braced ourselves as finally John looked set to deliver the clearance he had promised for three months, but it wasn’t to be as he rattled his second last ball. Ray "I love you Andy" Wootton attempted a snooker but left John with second chance to win it, but with almost no angle on his last red he couldn’t get up the table for the black. It left a long double to put us one up and although it looked to be flying in, it rattled in the jaws and Ray took out a nice finish for the Heinz.

The Wonder played Sean Gourley in frame two, a frame that he never really got much of a look in. Sean had it sewn up early on and after failing to cover a pocket Sean finished and we were 2-0 down.

We needed to turn this around and it took a bit of luck to set us on the way. Andy "I love you Ray" Brant was up against Brad and almost from the beginning of the frame it looked like just a matter of time before Andy won the frame. Maybe it was the pressure, maybe it was the fact that he kept breaking wind every three minutes - either way Andy missed a simple black to the centre and the Bear swallowed up the opportunity. It was 2-1 when we really should have been three down.

Muttley Wilson was up next against Aslan AKA Steve Carmichael. The omens were ominous for the pack. Not only Steve’s golden mane back to it’s optimum length and shine, Craigy had been awful at Yarmouth - and that’s being kind to him. But when he broke against Steve "she wanted more" Carmichael and potted four reds he was happier than a Great Dane with its head sticking out of the car window. A few shots later Muttley had dished up and it was “levels you devils” at 2-2. Suddenly that miss of Andy’s was looking more and more important.

When Tizzy wiped out Mark Rowley and Neil beat Nik "Salsa King" Stapley in the space of 15 minutes we headed into the break 4-2 and seemingly in cruise-control. Not even the Heinz 57 ‘s wind section i.e. Andy’s backside or their attempted gang bang of our Coach during the interval could derail us.

A GAME OF TWO HALVES

Coach decided that he wouldn’t play in the back half either, and left it to us to seal the victory our first half play deserved. The next two frames would be vital and The Bear put us 5-2 up by beating Ray. Craigy was now unstoppable and Sean Gourley was his next victim to take us to the brink of victory at 6-2. It now became a matter of who would take the winning frame. The Wonder was up next and showed just how confident he was by declaring "don’t worry, we will still have three more winning chances after this one". True to his word he broke, came up dry, and Andy cleared up. It was a typical Andos finish - it looked easy but he whammed his third last red in and the white was hurtling along too fast. But it caught the middle knuckle and bounced out into the centre of the table to leave him perfect on the next ball. Two shaky pots to the middle later it was 6-3. A mere consolation frame for Heinz?

Hokey Cokey was next. He had taken more verbals this summer than a first-day recruit at boot camp, and after all the flak it was fitting that he would take the winning frame to put us into the final. Everything went according to plan and all that was needed was a long red to then finish on the last two and...oops! The pot missed by a long way and for once the phrase of "Maidenhead is closer" was bang on. A let off for Heinz and Steve Carmichael pulled it back to 6-4. The only thing tidier than his finish was his hair.

Not to worry, with Tizzard The Wizard up next against Nik Stapley we would be alright. And we were alright, right up until the point where Nik dished up off Tizzys break. 6-5 and it was time for a change of trousers.

Frame twelve, and Terry had gambled on his team getting them this far and put himself on last. Terry broke and they were all on. Neil stepped in, took out four reds and then was left with a long one to the corner. With two other reds over the pockets it was all on this pot to take us to the final! When the red was last seen bouncing back up the table in the direction it came from we knew we were in serious trouble. Terry had been on top form in Yarmouth over the weekend and he carried it on here. A couple of safety shots take a few bags, push a red safe and the next thing we knew Terry was on a black for an incredible 6-6 finish.

"GET IN THERE!"

6-6 and it was eyes down for the decider. The season that was 144 frames old now rested on one single match up.

I had this feeling we were going to lose. It had been an odd match, 2-0 down, winning six in a row then losing four in a row. Both momentum and history were in their favour. Look back over the last three years and we have been knocked out twice already on sudden death frames. Andy Treadwell and The Wonder had all failed when it mattered and now it was down to the Bear to save us. In truth we could have taken Craigy as he was potting them off the chandeliers but Brad was pretty much the automatic selection. Maybe we should throw in a googly and put the Coach in for his first frame of the night? Maybe not.

As it happened we went with Brad and Heinz went with Sean Gourley. As they began the 13th and final frame you could have heard a pin drop - if it was loud enough to be heard over Andy’s near-constant wind.

The break went well for Brad and it was just a matter of time for when he made his move to win it. When Sean went for a rather odd attempt at a snooker rather than clear a pocket it looked like it was ours. Brad had two yellows stuck together two inches from the middle pocket and in a perfect plant, the other yellow close to the opposite middle and a black that went into the corner. But after potting the plant Brad overran the white. It was tense stuff and it was showing. It left a nick into the middle that went in and when the white knocked into the black leaving a long “Robbie Williams” yellow to the top left I finally thought to myself "we've got it, thank goodness for that".

and then he missed it...

It wasn’t’ an easy pot under the pressure and when Brad starting leaning to his right and staring the ball down as it made its way to the pocket it was always going to be touch and go whether it dropped. It didn’t. Sean was left with a simple finish to take the frame and match and 'like that *poof*..it’s gone"

We were out, and yet again on the deciding frame. How does a team as good as us blow a 6-2 lead? How can we lose five in a row like that? In truth I don’t think we did much wrong. John missed a red to win it back at 6-3 but The Wonder and Tizzy never saw a chance. Neil had a tough long pot in his match and once that missed Terry never looked like losing that frame either. It was just one of those things. We rattled in six frames after going 2-0 down where they didn’t get much of a look and the pool gods obviously decided to level it up. I guess it’s just one of those things…just one of those things that keeps happening to us year on year, summer after summer! We have to take our hats off to the Heinz boys. Backs to the wall, and even though we only handed them a couple of chances at a finish they didn’t miss at all when that chance came. It was an excellent performance by them under pressure and perhaps in the wake of the result we all kind of forgot just what a quality match it was. We saw four dishes if I remember rightly (Craigy, Brad, Andy and Nik) and very few frames where there was a genuinely bad shot or missed ball.

So Heinz march on to the final and we pick up our cue cases and march off in a strop yet again. Can we sack Coach Southam? He didn’t play himself so we cant really blame him or can we? Bottom line - we failed!

"We took it hard, we took it long" The Heinz 57 mascots Ray & Andy show us how it's done.

This Saturday is the pool event of the year. No, not Thames Valley League presentation night but the star-studded gala we call the Rackspack Annual Flair Awards, also known as the RAFA’s. Stay tuned for all the gossip, highlights and lowlights as we put our winners and losers into the next blog entry.

Happy cueing.

Quarter Final Match Report - Home versus WAMSAD

2009-09-30T14:06:00.005+01:00

With the quarter final draw now published we looked at the fixtures and saw WAMSAD at home. Nice one, we thought, we can put that to bed early and then shoot down to the Bell to watch BAPL play the Forresters, should be a good match. That cunning plan went awry thanks to a bloke with a broken arm, a woman nine months pregnant and worryingly, a nasty case of the jitters.

The Mummy’s Revenge

Here at Rackspack towers we’ve never lacked confidence. Even before the draw for the quarterfinals we were confident that Coach Southam could succeed where others had failed in the past i.e. take Rackspack to the summer league title and onwards to knockout glory. Our confidence was such that even at this crucial time, Coach Southam had taken leave of us to chair the meeting of the International Brothel Playboys Union in Germany. It was a gathering where a Zorro mask and white bobbie socks are the ensemble du jour. It meant that we weren’t able to count on his vast leadership qualities as we prepared for our quarter final with WAMSAD.

Not a massive surprise to start the night, JY had mailed earlier me to say that he'd spoke to Tizzard and he was definitely coming, only for the aforementioned “Wizard” to not turn up. Never mind, Craig 'Muttley' Wilson was on hand and ready to show us just what he could do with a load of balls and a (four hundred pound) Parris Cue [eat your heart out Chas and Dave – Ed.]

For the serious stuff of the quarter finals the Showboat has been suspended, and it was down to the 'Wonder' Walls to take on the mammoth task of getting the order just right for this last 8 clash. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, and in stark contrast to his stint as team captain, he decided to lead from the front and put himself in first. His opponent was Mark 'The Mummy' Richbell. Why the Mummy? Fresh from a broken arm Mark’s arm was wrapped up tighter than Tutankhamen and was only playing as WAMSAD were missing two of their normal starting line up. Because of the state of his arm he had to give Wonder the break – a bizarre move in itself - however more bizarre was the sight of Mark getting prepared for the frame.

See if you can picture this - Mark in full arm cast holding the cue horizontally and then one player holding the top end of the cue, another player the 'butt' end a third unwrapping some of the bandage from his busted arm and tying Mark’s hand to the cue! Eventually man and cue had become one and we were underway.

The Wonder broke and went for it, then seemed to forget what he actually went for and then realised he should have stayed home and ordered it online as "The Mummy" cleared up with his second visit to put WAMSAD 1-0 up. We all knew that the Wonder could be beaten by a man with one arm and now the evidence was right there in front of our eyes.

“Mark celebrates his win with the Peter Crouch Robot Dance”

Frame two, and Hokey Cokey has taken more slating this season than the roof of St Paul’s Cathedral but he ground out the next one in his usual composed fashion. Andy Gatehouse didn’t get much of a look in once HC covered a couple of pockets and it was 1-1.

Chris Stanmore then missed a great chance to put WAMSAD in front when he missed a red against the 'Bear' and when Muttley put his new cue to good use against Sam Stanmore normal service had been resumed. 3-1 to the Pack.

Frame five and it was the turn of the Rackspack Sol Campbell AKA John Young. Just like the "Velvet Judas" JY also tends to disappear after one match, and who knew what to expect as he took on Debbie "I’m expecting" Richbell. Yes, young Debbie was 8 and 3/4 months into her attempt at breeding. Interestingly if you put her and JY behind a screen and made silhouettes you might have struggled to guess who was who. So with Mark "the Mummy" Richbell having already played we now had Debbie "The Mummy II" Richbell coming out of trap five. All we needed now was the little one to appear and we could have had a trilogy.

As it was JY got the solid a good victory we needed. Debbie was struggling to reach the white when there was a stretch on and was using HCs hand for bridging in order to play some shots. This led to the question of whether or not we could still claim 2 shots if HC accidentally touched a ball? Still she was unlucky in that while clearing up the reds she inadvertently snookered herself on the last two balls and it cost her the frame.

4-1 up and surely it was all over? Not so fast readers. Matt Fry was a grateful recipient of a frame when Magic somehow potted a red and cannoned the black across the table and into the middle bag and 4-2.

We couldn’t afford to be complacent so the Wonder went for the jugular and put Bradley Bear out to bat in frame 7 with strict instructions to come back with a win. Mark 'The Mummy' had got his strap on sorted out and was looking for the unlikeliest double in league pool – beating the Bear and the Wonder in one sitting. Well, 5 minutes later this unlikeliest of doubles was written into pool folklore as the bandaged maestro did it again and secured a more popular double than Les Dawson’s chin and suddenly it was 4-3. Now everyone wanted a bandage and to be tied to their cues as it seemed to work miracles.

At that point the last thing I need was to be asked for an update by Coach Southam…

(text from Coach) “How’s it going”

(text to Coach) "It’s 4-3! Me and Brad have lost to a bloke with a broken arm."

(text from Coach) "you guys better not lose. How can you play pool with a broken arm? In fact you'll find out if you screw this up!"

Technology – isn’t it wonderful.

4-3, game on, and it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Muttley Wilson played Andrew Gatehouse and after missing a black Muttley found himself snookered. He got out of it but the frame was there for the taking. Andrew was left with the classic 'Robbie Williams' into the top right hand pocket (looks straight but definitely isn’t). It rattled, but he left Craig snookered yet again. But you don’t buy an expensive cue like Craig’s unless you either know how to fluke your way out of a snooker or you are completely stupid. Luckily for us it was the former, and a missed red from Andrew and it was soon 5-3.

Frame nine and the Wonder had to redeem himself. His confidence was severely dented after losing to a one armed pool player. In order to try and make certain of the frame he tried something totally out of character - a safety shot. Looking like he had been playing them all his life he glanced off his yellow…and sunk the white into the corner bag! But Sam Stanmore missed his one chance when he tried to free his red near the corner and didn’t get it clear. The Wonder played an excellent positional shot (one out of ten isn’t bad) to get onto his penultimate ball and we were on the hill at 6-3.

'Safety is not The Wonder's strong point'

We needed one more and we got it via Hokey Cokey as he did the business with a no nonsense effort on Chris Stanmore. John 'Sol Campbell'' Young took out Matt Fry in good style and while we munched on the sandwiches the only excitement left was whether or not Neil ‘Magic’ Cameron could save himself from the dreaded double doughnut against Debbie "The Mummy II". As it turned out Magic couldn’t pull a rabbit out of the hat this time, and it was the yummy mummy who beat Magic and left him with the doughy taste of two losses. Debbie then told us that the kid was due on Monday, and it was to be called Neil – ironic, because we've got a Neil and he is going to be dropped next Monday as well!

So it finished 8-4 and after the handshakes and cast-shakes we raced to The Bell to catch the rest of their match, except it was all over – BAPL had beaten The Foresters 7-0! What on earth happened there? If anyone cared they would have their own blog! Next week we’re in the semi final versus Heinz 57 and plenty of inter team rivalry as the members of the Thursday night Irish Club side find themselves on opposite sides for a place in the final.

Happy cueing.

Match report - home versus The Pondhouse

2009-09-24T17:54:00.012+01:00

Before we get to this week report, we'll dip straight into the mailbox and we've received a letter from Giles Denney's lawyers. Giles, you'll remember, dished Brad last week and was promoted by Brad to take his title of The Most Hated Man In Pool:

--------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,

I am instructed on behalf of my Client, "the second most hated man in pool", to instigate immediate proceedings against you, should you fail to cease and desist from your blatant deformation and improper promotion of my client from "second most" to "most". Your proposition is ridiculous and we will have no problem establishing the facts by way of testimony from his fellow Rackspack team and for that matter half of Maidenhead! Brad is the most hated man in pool and for him to even consider relinquishing his top spot is clearly absurd. Whilst writing, we take the opportunity to point out that Brad seems to be under the misapprehension that turning up and showing his boat race (face) is in some way considered to be a Showboat!

Yours faithfully Dingbat, Warts & Shingles LPA & PMTS
Solicitors in Dennis Law
--------------------------------------

Thank you for getting in touch. We're very happy to say that as per your request Mr Robinson has been reinstated at the most hated man in pool.

Match Report

We'll start this week with our favourite quote from the Lord's book:

Pool 16:11 - And the Lord said "Let Rackspack be the greatest pool team ever. Let them kick arse in the Maidenhead Summer league and let anyone who stands before them be swept aside by a wave of flair". And lo, it came to pass that on the twenty first day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine, Rackspack tidied up their final match of the group stages in the Maidenhead league.

The title was over some weeks ago but there was a small matter of our 100% record and the Showboat roll-over to be settled and we knew there'd be no favours done and no quarter given when we entertained The Pond House on Monday night.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

The first miracle of the evening was when I got a phone call from Craig Wilson.

"Wallsy!"

"Craigy!"

"Where are we playing tonight ?"

Craig making an appearance? What's this "we" crap? Having not been seen all season, and having promised and failed to turn up to previous matches, the 'Muttley' of Thames Valley Pool had appeared not only on the previous Thursday night in the Slough league but now for the Monday nights in Maidenhead. The smell of a trophy and the lure of the Showboat roll-over meant that Muttley (" gimme gimme medal snicker snicker snicker...") had volunteered himself for service for the final game. However with Hokey Cokey, JY, The Bear, Wonder, Magic and Coach Slugger already having declared themselves available, Craigy would have to keep his powder dry while we all had a shot at the boat.

Muttley: "Gimme gimme medal"

Another week and another Coach Southam random draw saw the Wonder stuck in lowly sixth spot. HC was up first and with time rapidly running out in his quest for a million and one dishes he had promised us, he took on Mark Webb. The red down the rail didn't drop, but a few visits later we had won the frame and John had won strangest colour selection of the season for going for reds when Yellows seemed the choice all day. The Bear looked out of sorts in the next but still pulled it together to take out the last 3 and the black to beat Ray Enderby and it was 2-0.

Pondhouse captain-for-the-night Tracy Harmon cares not for reputations. In our last encounter she left Tizzy with 7 on the table. This time she had drawn Magic Cameron. Tracy broke, potted one and then pulled out the shot of the season. Knowing full well the rules of the Showboat, she completely wrecked any chance Magic had by playing a shot which involved rolling the white right up the backside of a red, leaving Neil on nothing - not even a chance to fluke one in. It was a great shot warmly applauded by the rest of us, and the unclaimed Showboat was now pushing towards the £20 mark. A few visits later and Tracy had two yellows left to Neil's seven reds. The reds were scattered all over the middle of the table and Tracey's red was in the middle of them. All Neil had to do was flick of one of his balls and leave the white at the top of the table and she would have been snookered. Neil saw the same shot, but played in such a way to not only fail to leave her snookered, but to somehow clear a pathway through his reds for the yellow to pot in the bottom corner! Moses himself couldn't have parted those balls better. A couple of pots later and Tracy had left another "Packer" with seven. 2-1

Moses - “With a wave of the cue, the reds parted…..”

JY took out Mikey Diaz, Coach Slugger made it 4-1 and the Wonder beat James Graham to give Rackspack a healthy 5-1 lead at half-time. Beating Mikey must have taken its toll on JY, as shortly afterwards he disappeared to tend to the Thai bride he keeps at home in his basement. Craig "Muttley" Wilson stepped up to the plate for the back half and the boat was still afloat.

Return of the Whack

Having missed most of the season it was only fair that Muttley had to pay a little bit extra to join in on the showboat tomfoolery. The £3 we agreed upon was duly deposited in Justina, and it was over to Coach "Blatter" Southam for another wholly fair and above board draw...Amazingly the Wonder came in sixth and in a 'surely not' move Muttley drew trap one and was first up!

The stage was set - no one had seen him all season, our calls had gone answered and our voice-mails and texts unreturned, and yet just 8 balls separated Muttley from the eternal glory of the showboat, a prize of £22 and a popularity rating about as high as that of Emmanuel Adebayor at the Arsenal Christmas party. We held our breath as the cue was drawn back...a mighty thump followed...the break was solid but the white ball flew down the middle pocket hole quicker than John Shiel into the private cabins at the HP. Three quid for a break, that's the Showboat folks! Craigy recovered to beat Jemma Clifford but the showboat was now just a distant memory.

"When you pay £3 and go in off on the break – you’ve failed”

Hokey Cokey had one final chance to write his name into Rackspack folklore. The chance was there for all to see and he had a yellow two foot from the middle pocket to open up the frame. Unfortunately his cue brain was writing a cheque that his cue arm couldn't cash, and the yellow was left a foot short, giving away two shots for not hitting a cushion. Mark Webb couldn't, however, take advantage though and HC got his second win of the night.

“technical malfunctions beset the NASA nerds computer while waiting for news of John's first clearance”

The Miracle of the Long Yellow

Only two men had managed the giant feat of claiming a Showboat crown, the Bear (twice) and Coach. When Coach stepped in and broke against James Graham it didn't look on. There were 4 easy balls but another couple that were in a mess around the corner. He managed to work a position that let him pot yellows 5 and 6 but they left him trying to get on his last ball with a delicate little stun-run through off another ball. He tried, he failed.

"Total snooker".

Har-de-har, Coach was tucked up on the last yellow which was around the black spot. The white almost level but a couple of inches nearer the bottom cushion and a juicy red smack in between them. As we giggled amongst ourselves and looked to the scorecard to see who was up next, the miracle happened. Taking his time to size up the angles, he proceeded to smash the white off the bottom cushion with right hand side, and it cracked the yellow as clean as you like into the top right hand corner - almost the length of the table. As if that wasn't enough the white stopped perfectly for a cut on the black. A centimetre more and he was snookered - as it was the thin cut to the corner was on and a few seconds later - HONNNNNNNNNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ker-ching! £24 banked, and Coach Southam's Showboat winnings were over £50 this season.

Brad, Keith & Neil play for what was left of the showboat.

After The Lord Mayors Show

With Justina our Showboat piggy bank now emptied, the final frames were very much an anti-climax. Brad took out a nice finish to prevent Tracy from claiming another scalp, Neil avoided the double doughnut by beating Ray Enderby and the Wonder took the last against Mikey Diaz. 11-1, and a stunning result for the pack that equalled our best of the season.

So the group stages are finally over. It was ironic that Coach Southam took the last Showboat before the serious pool begins, being as he will be away with work for the quarter finals. However the rest of the pack are in fine form as our 11-1 victory showed. The quarters are next Monday, and the draw looks like this:

RACKS PACK v WAMDSAD A
GOLDEN X A v COOKHAM SOCIAL
BELL BAPL v FORESTERS
HEINZ 57 v WWSSC B

SEMI FINAL DRAW

WINNER OF GAME 4 v WINNER OF GAME 1
WINNER OF GAME 3 v WINNER OF GAME 2

So if we overcome WAMDSAD we'll be away to the might of the "Heinz 57". Heinz may have 57 varieties, but here at Rackspack towers we only have one - a catering size can of whoop-ass, and (all things going to form) we'll be dishing up all over the Heinz 57 boys in two weeks at their place.

Happy cueing.

Fred Lofts

2009-09-21T09:54:00.002+01:00

It's a debate we've all had - who's he best pool player you've seen? Have that debate with anyone who has played pool in the Thames Valley area in the last 20 years and sooner or later (mostly sooner) you get to Peter Lofts. We're sorry to report that last week Peter's father Fred (‘Pops’) passed away.

Fred seemed to attend every match that Peter played in on a Thursday night, despite the fact that none of us at Rackspack can actually remember seeing him play a frame! He seemed to take a great deal of enjoyment and pride in turning up, socialising and watching his son Peter play. He became part of the fixtures and fittings; when Peter was playing, Fred was shadowing his every shot. He was a very likeable character and all of us at Rackspack extend our sympathies and condolences to Peter and his family.

Match Report - Home versus The Bear

2009-09-16T13:29:00.008+01:00

Greeting fellow cueists.

This weeks match was a derby, pitting two former racks teams against each other at their new home, The Bear. The first match was a closely fought affair, ending in a gratifying 7-5 victory for the pack. We knew Michael "The Wizard" Tizzard was a no-show for this game ("I'm broke"), but with the prodigious but unpredictable talents of Wonder Walls taking his place on the rackspack roster I felt confident that we could open our legs and show our class. Another no-show was "Grinder" Greenwood who was last seen single handedly running the Greenwood sandwich empire after his father's recent operation.

Their was a buzz of anticipation about the pre-match practice. Brad was dishing up John almost at will, and Keith was dishing up almost everyone else. After two showboat dishes in the last match at NMCC, surely the Showboat would go again this week! With two pounds in Justina (the showboat piggy bank) and six tight-wads waiting to find out who was first to have a crack at the money Coach Southam made the eagerly totally random draw, and Neil was up first, followed by JY, Brad, Hokey Cokey Shiel, Coach himself and finally Wonder Walls. No one was pleased to see the boy Walls at the arse-end of the first half draw, no one except Mr Walls that is. Having been banging in the clearences in practice he showed what a truly classy man he is by promising to donate his showboat winnings to the Dean Godwin charitable foundation for little guys.

Sad to say but after the buzz of the random draw the match itself was very much a case of after the lord mayor's show as Baron Staples, Steve Newell, Tony Baxter, Giles Denney, Mike Bisset and Jon Williamson all succumbed to the awesome power of the pack. 6-0 at the end of the first half and all that remained was John Shiel to seal the victory in the seventh frame of the evening against Steve Newell and the pack were once again on the march.

The match was done and dusted by 10PM and ended in a 9-3 victory for the pack, with Wonder, Brad and Coach Southam all losing in the second half.

More importantly than the score, y'all want to know who claimed the showboat! No-one! The only attempt of note was by Coach Slugger Southam who managed to get on the last two balls, and then miss his next pot by so much that what started as a attempted cut in the top corner ended as a double off two balls into the middle pocket. What followed was the worst shot of the evening as Coach attempted a cut-double on his last red that he hit so fine that the ref had to borrow the hot-spot cricket camera off Sky Sports to make sure a contact had been made.

There was one clearance of note in the match. Giles Denney, who in the first half against John Hokey-Cokey Shiel looked like he couldn't clear a dinner table, produced what can only be described as the best clearance this reporter has ever seen. Full of subtle flicks and deflections, it was the kind of clearance that would have you wishing it was against someone else. The recipient of this lesson in pool was Brad, who left the table mumbling something about Giles being a "'orrible man" and "how can I be the most hated man in pool after that!". Being as gracious as ever, and reflecting on the fact that Brad had only put 95p into the pot instead of the requisite £1, Coach Southam made Giles an honourary member of Club Showboat and donated £1 to Giles!

So the Showboat is a roll-over (£13) and we go into the last week of the league format of the summer season wondering what to do with the showboat if no-one wins it next week. Bradley suggested putting the money behind the bar, but seeing as he arrives at our Monday night home fixtures on Sunday evening that was a no-go. Keith suggested a convoluted one frame knock-out competition, and Coach Southam suggested he would "look after" the money until next season. None of these ideas was really ideal, so we throwing the question open to you, the Rackspack readers, to come up with some ideas what we can do with the money. Email your answers to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.

Into The Mailbox

In preparation for your answers, we've been into the mailbox this week to clear out all the spam. In amongst the willy cream, porn mail and offers from Nigerian Emperors to help them with some unreleased funds there were some useful ones.

---------------------------------------
Hey Rackspack

Are you the pool version of the England football team ?

Is this going to be yet another season where you go on and on and on about how great you are and how you’re going to win this thing, but then once you’ve qualified and it gets to the serious knockout stages you collapse in a pile of hype? If so can you just get on with it and save us all the time and trouble.

Cheers,

Hugh Mather-Farquar
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K&K – What can we say Hugh? This time, more than any other time, this time, we'll get it right. It’s coming home. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back, etc, etc

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Dear Rackspack, yeah

My mate yeah, er, let’s call him…Andy...well, he keeps gettin stuffed by Maurice Sheehan. It’s appening neerly every week yeah. Wot can I do to stop it as its getting embarrasing 4 him wot?

I is er, I mean he is a really grate player normally and you know dat you bitches.

Mandy Brant err Grant
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Dear Rackspack

I’ve been reading with some interest the problems you are having being forced to endure the frames of John "Hokey Cokey" Shiels frames this season and I have a suggestion. Whilst performing certain "activities" in the bedroom, the wife and I insist on having a 'safe word' that one of us can call out when things start getting too painful. Once the safe word is yelled, all actions have to stop until we have agreed that it is ok to continue again. Might I suggest you use the approach when watching HC ??

yours

Keiron D. Community
-------------------------------------------

K&K - An inspired email. Certainly we here at Rackspack towers are starting to feel sorry for our “Nobby Styles” as we have to sit through frame after frame waiting for John to demo his famous clearances. From now on if it starts getting really painful we will start shouting "EPSOM SALTS!" and demand a clearance attempt!

-------------------------------------------
Bonjour mes ami

I wonder if you can help me with a small problem. Next month will see the last matches of the World cup qualifying groups. I am worried that some of my friends and their countries wont make it and will have to go into the play-offs. Portugal, Germany, Russia, even my beloved France might have to play off. Now I don’t want them to draw each other and have difficult games to get through - I want them to draw the smaller teams so that they can win easy and generate more money for me. The only way to do this is to somehow rig the draw but we have done this before and we are running out of ideas on how to get away with it. After reading what Coach Southam did with the showboat selection the other week, would he mind helping me out? I will contact you soon.

Bon Chance

Michel Platini
Head of UEFA

PS there will be a brown envelope on your desk in the morning.
-------------------------------------------

K&K - Michel, no one knows how he did it and the Coach certainly isn’t letting on, but these days even Derren Brown is taking lessons from the master of sleight of hand.

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Dears Rackspack or whatever it is you call yourselves.

Stop giving us a bad name or we will sue you !!

Dwayne Pipe

Chief Legal officer, Kripsy Kreme
U.S.A.
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K&K - We'll stop using your Krispy Kreme name as soon as John Hokey-Cokey Shiel starts winning games and you stop invading oil-rich countries under the pretence of international security!

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Dears Rackspack,

I demand a clarification on what exactly you mean by a showboat clearance. In the last home game report you reported that I went for an impossible clearance when all I did was break and come up dry!

Yours, the most hated man in pool after Giles Denney,

Brad
----------------------------------------------

K&K - thanks for getting in touch Brad. The dubious clearance attempts committee has been in sitting this week and have adjudged that a Johnny dry-break is technically impossible to clear up from, therefore qualifies as an impossible clearance!

Remember, you can get in touch at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk! Next weeks home game is the last league game so do let us know what we can do with the showboat money!

Happy cueing!

Match Report - Away Versus NMCC

2009-08-27T17:51:00.005+01:00

The air around North Maidenhead Cricket club was crackling with anticipation Monday night. It was match day seven, and good beer, great food and, perhaps more importantly, the best table in the league awaited us - clean, no rolls, no bumps and nicely groomed. Into that arena walked the best team in the league - not very clean, a few too many bumps and rolls, and in dire need of a good wash and brush up. Tonight the Showboat Jackpot was a sitting duck so it was eyes down for a quack quack honk honk.

Match Report - NMCC v Rackspack

or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"

I was running late. Stuck at work doing pointless rubbish and the clock was ticking. 7.45pm and I’m fobbing off customers and telling them not to worry about a thing until tomorrow. I had bigger fish to fry, ducks to quack and showboats to honk. I managed to get out just in time and race to the NMCC. We had the bare six again. Tizzy couldn’t make it and the door was left open for a triumphant return from Neil "Magic" Cameron from his Scottish hiatus.

At £16 the showboat was a roll-over, and with our position in the quarter finals guaranteed Coach Southam’s advanced tactical nous and strategic decision-making could be put aside for a week as six of Rackspack’s finest clamoured to find out who would have first crack at it.

Fresh from releasing the averages tables that saw him top yet again despite having won less games than two other members of the team, Coach had spent the week devising a fair and unbiased system for deciding the team order for the first half, and revealed all just before the match:

Coach Southam: “Right, I have six names on this piece of paper, somebody shout out a number between one and six, and the person in that position on my piece of paper plays first.”

JY: “Five”

Coach Southam: “That’s me”.

It was straight our of the Robert Uzzell school of draws, but Coach Southam rules with an iron hand inside that silk glove, and the murmurs of dissent barely strayed beyond the personally offensive:

Brad Robinson: “You ‘orrible man”

Jim "Pretty Boy" Floyd was up first for NMCC, and with Coach Southam fearing the likes of Wonder Walls and Bradley Bear would likely get a clearance in later in the first half, not to mention John “Watch how many clearances I do this season” Shiel, he set off for a fast start. However with the break Jimmy quickly got the upper hand, and once the chance of the showboat had gone his heart clearly wasn’t in it. The frame quickly descended into a missing contest that Kevin won. 0-1 to NMCC.

The great great grandfather of Thames Valley Pool, Maurice "Tingley" Dingley was up next against John “Hokey Cokey” Shiel. After actually winning a game last week the Krispy Kreme sponsorship deal was in the balance, and it would take some top class screwing up to clinch a double doughnut this week. But Thames Valley Pool history is littered with sorry souls who underestimated the sheer lack of ability that Hokey Cokey brings to the table. It looked over when Maurice was on his last ball but a miss let John back in. He floundered and managed to snooker himself on the last ball. Confidently he eyed up coming off the cushion and not only hitting the red, but doubled it into the corner. He even pointed it out to us what he was aiming for "just in case it goes in and you think it was lucky"....

INTERLUDE - you know when you were a youngster at school and there was a kid in the maths class who was a bit slow. Little Jimmy was his name. He wouldn’t answer any questions at all, but every now and then the teacher would ask something like” what’s five times five” and their arm would shoot up in the air. They would be straining every sinew of their body to attract the teachers attention…

"ME MISS, ASK ME MISS, ASK MEEEE!"

and she would say "yes, what’s the answer". This was their moment to impress, everyone in the class is staring at them, waiting, hoping, praying to see the kid get it right just once.

"Miss, is it thirty-seven?"

.......that’s what its like these days watching Johns frames.

Eyeing up the speculative double, he spammed the white off the cushion, it collided with the red which then potted Maurice’s yellow into the corner. It’s two shots Maurice and shortly afterwards, 2-0 to NMCC.

Once again 2-0 down and once again the Wonder comes to the table with the scent of Showboat in his nostrils. This boy is like a bitch on heat, yet for the fourth time this season he cleared up to the black and despite four pointless attempts at moving it he couldn’t get it out and had no shot for the money. Showing exactly why the Showboat is not helping our frames tally, he took a run up from the car park, gave it the full "Larry Launch" and smashed his opponents yellow in via the black. Luckily Craig Brand couldn’t take advantage with the two shots and the Wonder pulled one back. 1-2

Frame four, and up stepped the Bear. I remember the days when at 2-1 down we were all glad to see Brad take to the table. With the Showboat challenge in full effect it’s now akin to waiting at the dentists for root canal work. We took our seats fearing the worst, and when he sunk a fantastic yellow for openers it was all on. Pot after pot, it looked there for the taking. A superb pot on the next yellow went unrewarded as he snookered himself on the last two yellows and despite a great escape the yellow rattled and much to our relief the opportunity was gone. Cliff Hulse had a glimmer of a chance to put NMCC 3-1 up…but didn’t take it. 2-2

David Dawson faced JY in the next and JY played and looked a million dollars. However they turned out to be Zimbabwean dollars and before we knew it we were 3-2 down.

Up to plate stepped Scotland’s finest, ‘Magic’ Cameron. The break was thunderous, that’s for certain. The colour selection was, well, less certain and probably dubious. However there was no mistaking the total budge of the first shot as the yellow he tried to pot started out 10 inches from the pocket but missed by it by 12. The three weeks on the sauce had done him no good at all, but he recovered to beat Ray Dawson and levelled up the match. 3-3.

Half time and the Showboat was over the £20 mark. The confidence with which we had stated how the showboat was definitely going this week looked misplaced. We had missed a few chances but Justina the Showboat Piggy bank was still had our money in her and the jackpot was growing.

There was a redraw the positions for the back half. Using all the experience he gained working for Alan Stanford and Harry Redknapp, Coach Southam set up the second half draw, and JY got first crack. Coach got second.

JY saved himself from the dreaded double with a win over Pretty Boy Floyd and then Coach was up. The break was perfect, every ball hanging over the pockets – it was on! Our only hope was some sort of blunder or horrendous kick might put him off. It came down to the last two reds, could he drop one in and not snooker himself on the last? There was a foot of space to land the white in…the pot went in, but what was the postion like? Perfect. A straight black to the middle soon followed and the cry went up…

HONNNNNNNNKK !!!!!!!!

Showboat number 2 banked at £25. Kerching!

During the celebrations, Krispy Kreme rang and asked us when could we give them full copyrights to their new doughy sensation – The Hokey Cokey doughnut. We told them about five minutes. Cliff Hulse put the cherry glaze on top as HC recorded yet another one for the season and brought his run to 5 losses in 6.

Nasa scientists await the news of the first clearance of John's career.

The Rackspack image library has run out of double doughnut and double bagel pics so here, courtesy of Krispy Kreme, is a summary picture of John’s progress this season:

What followed was one of the most shocking events this season. The Bear walked up, broke and was staring another dish of the day in the face. But with the Showboat had been won, the princely sum total of £2 was up for grabs and £1 of that was his! And then it happened, quietly at first...

“Come on the Bradley”

That’s right cueists - suddenly we were right behind him!!

“GO ON THE BRADLEY BEAR!”

Cheers greeted every pot, warm applause every precise positional shot. He grimaced and scowled around the table, nonchalantly knocking in all seven balls and the black. Hoorahs broke out at the Rackspack table as we all shook his hand to celebrate the £2 he had copped. For nicking the shopboat pot our hatred of Coach turned to love – none us would have been able to stomach the Bear winning another £27 to add to his spoils from 3 weeks ago.

In all the confusion it was easy to forget that the match was still in the balance at 6-4 and when Magic lost to Dave Dawson it was all on the Wonder to clinch us the win. A perfect break and another clearance was there for all to see. There were no problem balls, position was easy, the first pot flew in…

“Foul – you didn’t nominate”

Doh!

If Brad is the most hated man in pool then Wonder Walls is the luckiest, as frankly no one is having a luckier run in the Rackspack team at the moment than the Wonder. Every week some poor schmuck throws away a glorious opportunity of listening to Keith whine about how the table is off, the tip is to spongy, etc as they chuck away winning chances. Sure enough this week was no different, as Ray Dawson somehow failed to clear with two shots and we nicked the match 7-5.

So another week gone. The second showboat to Kev, a third one to Brad and only two matches before the knockout stages.

Honk Honk!

Match Report - Home versus WWSC

2009-08-20T13:12:00.004+01:00

It’s the halfway stage of the league, and we’re in fine fettle. We’ve managed to get six players every week, won 36 of our 48 frames, and the Showboat was the hundreds and thousands on top of the Rackspack fairy cake. With other teams now taking an interest in the Showboat it’s only a matter of time before we get stuffed trying to go for impossible finishes only to be picked off by wily opponents. Such a possibility was within reach of White Waltham Social Club who arrived at the Bear on Monday eager to avenge the 10-2 defeat from the opening fixture.

HOME TO WWSC (or THE LURE OF THE LUCRE!!)

Having endured a 10 hour drive back from Scotland Neil was missing was this fixture, and thus we broke new ground for Rackspack by actually fielding the same 6 two weeks in a row. We have been running a Rafa Benitez-style rotation system for 3 years and this was the first time I could remember us putting out the same side for two straight matches. Of course this meant good news for us as ‘Tiz’ was turning out for another bash, but it also meant two guaranteed frames for Hokey Cokey who was coming off the back off last weeks double bagel. Brad (the MHMIP) had shown up with a lovely tan probably courtesy of last weeks Showboat money, although he reckoned it was from sitting in the car parked up outside some shopping centre. Frankly neither reason was too appealing.

With Coach Southam running late it was survival of the fittest as to who would grab the team sheet and give themselves first crack at the showboat. Wonder Walls was quickest, and just managed to scrabble his name down in number one spot before Coach turned up and took over team selection

So first up aiming to take down the Showboat Jackpot of a mere £5 (thanks to the MHMIP), was the Wonder. Massive in the Maidenhead league with 8 from 8 wins and devastating in the Slough league with 10 out of 10 and 3 clearances to boot, it was surely a matter of time before he notched another to his tally. Michael Rapley broke and left nothing on - to ironic cheers from the Rackspack and a few “go on the Wonder” sniggers thrown in for good measure. Undaunted by the heckling, he picked off two reds, then three, split another, then a fourth and suddenly once the three ball plant was executed to perfection the ‘impossible dream’ was on!

Left with a long red to the top corner, and the white only 2 inches away, he cued it beautifully to pot the red and screw back into his last remaining colour. It left a razor thin snick to the bottom right but the angle meant he could free the black as well. The pot was sublime, the black was knocked free and the white had come to a halt in the middle of the table - it was all about where the black landed. While he was standing back admiring his work (and no doubt practicing his Showboat “HONK”) the black had careered across the table and was rolling towards the middle pocket. All it had to do was slow down a bit and stop and it was a tap in for the money…but it kept rolling…and rolling…and rolling. Like a Tiger Woods putt it just went on and on before plopping deadweight into the pocket losing him the frame. Robbed of the clearance of the season, The Wonder saw the last remaining unbeaten record of the summer gone as well. 1-0 to WWSC.

The lure of the prize had proved too much for The Wonder and he paid the ultimate price.

Up next was Bradley Bear against Wayne Parr. The Wonder was still in shock and if Brad had dished up it might have pushed him over the edge. St John’s ambulance were on standby but a scrappy frame ensued and they weren’t needed. Wayne missed 3 shots at the black to win it before the Bear levelled it up at 1-1. A huge chance for WWSC had gone begging.

Hokey Cokey was out to redeem his reputation after last weeks Double Bagel. Graham Henwood however was not a man to worry about reputations and was soon in command. When HC missed a straight yellow it was a tap in for Graham to win the frame. But somehow he fluffed it from an inch away from the middle pocket - Hokey Cokey was back in! But he then blundered his last yellow again and he was out of it. Graham, who obviously was enjoying watching HCs antics, inexplicably missed another go at the black and Hokey Cokey was back in to shake it all about once more. However he rattled the yellow for a third time and put it on the cushion. The groans from both sides got louder as Graham had another effort that ended up on the side rail. We were starting to get dizzy from trying to figure out whether HC was in, out, shaking it about or just plain taking the piss. He had only drank 2 bottles of Bulmers but had somehow converted it into a performance of a man who’d had 12.

All that was left was for someone to finish it off in a way that was totally in keeping with how bad the frame had been – and John was the man for the occasion. Doubling the last yellow off the top cushion it travelled 3/4 quarters of the way down the table, hitting Grahams black and potting it down the rail to put us 2-1 down. The worst frame in the history of pool bar none.

Coach Southam came in, and could relax into his game knowing that there was no way he could play a worse frame than what we had just witnessed. He had the nights first good chance of the show boat, but had to carefully navigate around a congested bottom end of the table. When, after a difficult cut, the white sat against his opponents red it left him partially snookered. The showboat jackpot was safe, and for the fourth time this season Kevin had put in the steady shift that we needed to get us back into the match and it was 2-2.

Having got within a coat of paint of taking last weeks Showboat JY had another chance. Geoff Heath had broke, potted a couple, but left a pretty clear table if only John could find a starter. Ordinarily JY never has trouble getting a starter, it’s more the free salad cart that poses a problem, but he couldn’t get one here. The yellow rattled when the rest were all on and Geoff quickly made it 3-2 to WWSC.

Tiz is quickly gaining the moniker of Captain Drybreak. Three frames for Rackspack and for the third time he had the break but failed to pot anything. More annoying was that Andrew Gilmore missed on his first shot and Tiz took out the seven reds and the black. An 8 ball dish but luckily for the Wizard it was on his second visit and didn’t count. Brad looked happier than a dog with its head out of a car window.

3-3 and up stepped Brad against Michael Rapley. Rapley broke and we held our breath as the balls settled and the chance of the clearance was on, but it didn’t happen and Brad had to settle for the win and a 4-3 lead.

JY took the next for 5-3, saving himself from the dreaded double doughnut and the Wonder saved himself with a scrappy victory over Wayne. 6-3 up and having pulled clear it was time to relax.

Tiz took ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ in some style. One red left, a yellow only an inch behind it, the normal thing to do would have been to clip the red and put the white on the cushion. Instead he fired the red off the edge of the yellow and it shot into the bottom right pocket while at the same time bringing the white round perfectly to land behind a straight black. A round of applause for the shot of the night.

Coach Southam went in and got yet another two wins and all eyes were now on the Hokey. After last weeks double loss and, after losing in the first half, the potential for another double doughnut this week it was clear to all that John had spent the week in negotiations with Krispy Kreme. To clinch the deal he needed to go 0 for 4 in two weeks. Never in the history Rackspack has anyone dialled up for the double bagel/double doughnut two week combo platter. There was also the small matter of £14 now in the Showboat as well so it was all to play for and let the barracking begin. Despite having taken more stick this summer season than a Blackpool donkey, John was never really in danger and rounded off a 9-3 win. The sponsorship deal will have to wait.

NASA scientists wait patiently for news of the huge number of clearances John is going to put in this season

Next week we’re playing away to NMCC and the best table in the area. There’s no way - no way - that the Showboat is going to last next weeks onslaught. With Neil back and possibly 7 players available we are forced to draw lots at the match to see what the running order will be as the money isn’t going to last the night!

Find out who clinches the money next week!

Geoff Collins

2009-08-19T09:09:00.004+01:00

It was with some sadness that we learnt of the passing of Geoff Collins last week.

Most of us in Rackspack have been playing pool in the local leagues for 20 years now. With that much time under our belts it is inevitable that we are going to come across the same people over and over again. Geoff was one of those guys that we would bump into 4 or 5 times a year either on a Thursday night or during a singles or doubles competition when he played with his son Tim. He had represented Berkshire at the England over 50s trials and could be seen regulary turning up to play for teams like the Willow Tree in Langley , The Fox and Pheasant in Iver and more recently the Windsor Ex Servicemens club. Whenever any of us bumped into him he always had time for a chat , a handshake and a drink. He was a really pleasant man and one of those people that you enjoyed seeing and catching up with. When we had a drink last week and were talking about him everyones reaction was the same..

"He was such a nice guy"

Our best wishes go out to Tim and the rest of the family.

Match Report - Away versus The Pondhouse

2009-08-17T09:52:00.009+01:00

Special message from former coach Walls

The past two weeks had been probably the most hectic of my existence! I got married in Germany one weekend and then had a party at the Irish Club the following Saturday. I had set new personal 'lows' or perhaps 'highs' by passing out in the toilets for an hour during my own celebration. Sometime between the band finishing and 12.30am I was fast asleep in the warm, moist environment of the gents. I was finally woken up by some loud knocking on the door and bounced back to carry on celebrating till 3 in the morning. Despite the pace of the party and gruelling rituals of the previous fortnight catching up on me I was not going to miss the most important night of the year so far. Come hell or high water I would be at the Pond House with a possible £30 Rackspack Showboat Jackpot up for grabs!

ALL ABOARD FOR THE POND HOUSE!!!

The last game if the first half of the season and we were due to be away to the Pond House, but a late phone call from Vinny explained that their table had a problem and so the match was switched to our home venue of The Bear. A change in team selection was needed as Neil was in Scotland and, despite my return to the bosom of the Rackspack, we were still a player short. Stepping manfully into the breach came Michael "Tizzy" Tizzard. Coach Southam had caught him off guard at the wedding party and convinced him to sign up to help us out. The lure of the Showboat proved enough of a worm to dangle in front of him and soon enough the fish was in the pan. Pens were put to paper, and with no more metaphors on the horizon the line up looked like this : 'Hokey Cokey' Shiel, Tiz, The Bear (at the Bear), Wonder Walls, Coach Southam and JY.

Our reputation for flair and quality had obviously preceded us, and in reaction The Pond House had added county A player Rob Sparks to their line up for the summer - we knew it wasn’t going to be easy. In addition it had become clear in the last few weeks that while the Showboat is in operation there’s always a chance that we could get caught out and lose frames chasing the 'green'.

What we needed was a little flair of our own. We already had Wonder, Tizzy and Bradley bear in the ranks but to take on and defeat County A quality flair we needed something special. The kind of man who does clearance for fun. Step forward John Hokey-Cokey Shiel.

Rob was up first against Hokey Cokey and after a good break off shot and a couple of pots Rob missed a ball down the rail to give HC the first crack at the money. But it wasn’t to be and Rob took the frame to give the Pond House the lead. Tiz broke in the next but could only dish-up and Johnny Dry-break. He was then forced to watch Tracey Harman take out 7 terrific balls only to miss a long black to the corner. A few shots later and Tizzy missed a red in the corner from a distance of about three inches, and her first miss became academic as Tracy knocked the black in to give the Pond House a 2-0 lead.

Mark Webb looked full of the joys of spring as he realised he was playing The Bear and his mood wasn’t improved as he broke and left the first real chance of the night for the Showboat. Even though we were 2-0 down and in need of the frame none of us wanted to see Brad take the money and he could feel the eyes in the back of his head and he proceeded to clear up. There was only one difficult ball - but it was enough and he broke down under the pressure of the difficult pot, and the fact we were all muttering under our breath and calling him names. Luckily for us Mark couldn’t take advantage and Brad pulled it back to 2-1 on his next visit. The Wonder had a dry break in the next but leveled the match when Mike Diaz opted for an attempted plant instead of taking the long straight yellow on which would have surely won the frame, 2-2.

Coach Southam put in another solid win against Ray Enderby to turn the match around and then it was JYs turn. After a monstrous break the Showboat looked set to sail....

JY stalked the table Like a tiger stalking a gazelle, or perhaps a cat stalking a mouse. There wasn’t a bad ball in sight. With the first 5 balls despatched and perfect on number 6 it was surely all over. But the pressure of the money coupled with the lack of support from his own team mates made him come out on the wrong side of the final ball and he was faced with a choice. Does he roll it in and go round the back of the two yellows and get on the black, or does he screw across from his last ball, into the yellows and hopefully hold for the easier black. JY played it safe and stroked the last one in but just didn’t hit it hard enough to leave an easy black to the centre. Instead with the white just off the bottom cushion and the black on its spot it was either the tricky cut to the middle or off straight length of the table pot to the top corner. Decisions decisions…

An eon passed as JY weighed up the options and finally went for the cut to the centre. A smooth stroke sent the black on its way as we rose from our seats to applaud him and to the victor the spoils...but NO! REJECTED! The black clips the first knuckle of the middle, then the second knuckle and sits over the pocket. Incredible - Brad and I were right behind the pot and it seemed to look perfect all the way. A collective sigh of relief from our corner was only shattered by the choicest of blue language from the Geordie boy in the other. James Graham then went in off, giving JY two shots on the easy black and he put us 4-2 up to sarcastic cheers and clapping from us about what an 'important' frame that was...

Failure!

4-2 at the break, but the important stat was that the money was now over £30 and all to play for. We now entered the usual routine of trying to bribe coach to play as high up in the order as possible to get the first shot at the cash. Tiz got the first crack in the second half and won the toss against Mike but yet another dry break meant that he didn’t get a chance. However he avoided a double doughnut on his Rackspack debut to put us 5-2 in front and almost out of sight.

The Bear went next and once again had to play the luckless Mark Webb. As if he was going halves with him Mark broke and left them perfect - and if there’s one person you don’t want to do that to, it’s the Most Hated Man In Pool.

If I had ran a book on who was going to get the cash I would have the MHMIP at the top of the list as heavy favourite. Not only is he is our best player but he is the sort of spawny git who was bound to have it handed to him on a plate. Neil was missing his first game in about 3 years of playing for us so you just knew it was going to go tonight when he wasn’t there. When Brad had arrived earlier saying that he only turned up because the jackpot was on a rollover there was a sense of inevitability about the destination of the first Show Boat Jackpot of the season. Sure enough, an absolute dot to dot finish was laid on for him and our only hope was he crumble under pressure, swine flu or our desperate attempts to put him off that would stop him. They all failed and 60 seconds later he was staring down a straight black. With one wave of the cue and a victory cry of " HONNNNNNNNNNNKK " the Showboat was won and he moved into second position just behind 'cold callers' as the most irritating person in Britain.

"Good afternoon, Im calling from the Halifax - did you know that our Brad Robinson Showboat Winner Commemorative Plaque is free when you purchase our house insurance?"

With the depressing sound of JY’s pound coin rattling alone in our piggy bank we trudged on while Brad was busy sending a text message to Neil which simply said "HONK HONK!". Again Tracy Harman played a great frame but was denied a double double-u on the night when JY nicked it. Coach repeated his first half success over Ray Enderby with possibly the finish of the night and the Wonder got away with murder when James missed a black over the bag to remain undefeated so far this season.

9-2 up and time for Hokey Cokey to get some revenge on Rob Sparks for his first half loss. Rob broke and after missing his last ball HC went for the clearance and a palty £4 from the new pot. He hit flair shot of the night smashing a red down the length of the cushion and screwing all the way back up the table to get on his last ball. But he rattled it in the jaws and Rob chalked up his second win on the night - both against HC - and despite no food being available because of the late switch of venue HC had still found time to dial up and order the dreaded double bagel! From shot of the night to worst performance of the night - these are the razor thin margins the Rackspack are dealing with.

Hokey Cokey - began the night as JOHN SHIEL , then went to JOHN SHIEL L and finally to JOHN SHIEL L L

So , 9-3 and on we march to the second half of the season. We should have been run a lot closer from 2-0 down but got away with three frames after that which we never should have won to pull clear. One Showboat gone, £4 rolling to next week.

Next week we'll be dipping into the mailbox as Mr Bradley Robinson demands a rules clarification and Ben Kiely-Kiely, one of the famous Kiely brothers, demands we stop taking the p**s. One of these people will get what they want!

Match Report - Away Versus The Bear

2009-08-07T11:29:00.005+01:00

Week 4, and the good ship rackspack sails on!

Last week was a bye week so no match for the pack. Coach Southam in the person of your truly decided that a hard core practice session in the pool and drinking dens of Maidenhead was not required - frankly this team was playing great and I didn't want them to peak too soon! So with strict instructions that match day three was to to be spent resting cue arms and thumbs, the rackspack split for a week.

This weeks match was a grudge match against "the team formerly known as the other racks team". Following the demise of Racks, TTFKATORT had severed all ties with the past and changed their name to "The Bear". Local bragging rights were at stake, and I needed my best team out to show these boys that it was our patch, and we were number one! The first blow to my plans for world domination was the absence of Mr Walls. To paraphrase The Spice Girls - the favourite girl group of The Wonder - one was to become two; That's right, the Wonder was getting married!

Special Match Report - Keith "Wonder" Walls versus Hannah "Derr Frau" Pieper

Three weeks almost to the day after Keith got down on one knee and whispered those four magic words that would tie them together for the rest of their lives - "you're not, are you?" - we were in Munster for the social event of the year, the marriage of walls and Pieper, The Wonder and Derr Frau, Keith & Hannah!

We had arrived in Munster, Germany Thursday afternoon. There are two things you need to know about Munster. First is that there are some 50,000 students, so it's a very young and vibrant city. Secondly there are more bikes than people. Students can't afford cars so they cycle everywhere.

On Thursday night our first attempt at drinking the town dry had gone well but ultimately failed, so Friday night the wedding party met up for a second attempt. We hired bikes and cycled to a pre-wedding dinner in the forests outside Munster. Four hours and three courses of Tomato soup, Steak and Apple Strudel later the inevitable consequence of cycling too the pre-wedding dinner came to pass - we had to cycle home! Forget flash in the pan trends like inflated tyres, shock absorbers and padded seats, these bikes were as harsh on my stomach as they were on my backside. Luckily there were enough beer stops on the way to break the journey up and we got back to our hotel in one piece.

Saturday was the big day, and the boy Walls was in remarkably good shape. We met in Jim's room at 11AM, where we got dressed, and then got Keith dressed, and once we had "splooshed up" we were ready to send this man down the aisle. Keith's dad met us in reception, and we set of on the short walk to the registry office. It was a boiling hot day and the students were out in force. Needless to say we were the only people in suits so we got a few strange looks as we wandered through town.

As best man my primary job was to get Keith there. Getting him there on time was a bonus, so arriving at the registry office an hour before the conjugals were due to start was a result and job done by me. Keith needed a whisky to settle the nerves, but the first pub we went to was closed. The next place didn't serve alcohol, and the third wouldn't serve us unless we ate as well. As we wandered around the only place we could find to give us a cold beer was a kebab shop, so in true Keith Walls style we we spent his last twenty minutes as a free man in a kebab shop wearing suits drinking beer.

Back to the registry office, and the ceremony went without a hitch. After the well dones, congratulations, and thank god that overs we all headed to a farmhouse to drink the night away in the company of pigs, ducks, ponies, goats and rats - and that was just the buffet.

Keith's speech was a highlight, being as it was in German! For a man who is never seen without an audience, he was a bag of nerves. When he finally stood up to make the speech he was shaking so much he could hardly get the whisky glass to his mouth! Nor the beer glass! Nor the wine glass! However once he got going, despite each sentence being punctuated by a gulp of whatever was in the glass his hand reached first, he was fantastic, and the effort was appreciated by everyone present. It was one of the best wedding speeches I've ever seen despite, or perhaps because, I didn't understand a word of it. We drank and talked and laughed for the rest of the night and, after spending Sunday recovering, I returned to the UK in time to lead the team out against The Bear.

MATCH REPORT - AWAY VERSUS THE BEAR

I mentioned at the beginning that Keith was away in Germany still, so from the six who had won so convincingly in weeks one and two, I was a man down. Lee "Grinder" Greenwood had returned from holiday but couldn't make it, so I had to bite the bullet and ask Craig Wilson to get us out of a hole. Craig is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in these situations and I didn't hold out much hope of him turning up after he ignored both my texts and my voicemails.

I turned up at The Bear expecting to have to tell the team we had to play with just five, but John Young was there and he told me he had managed to get hold of Craig and that he had promised him he would be there by 9PM. Great success! This saved having to ring round and scramble a team together. More importantly than that the Show Boat Jackpot was a roll-over from last week! With £12 in the pot I had five people all desperate to play first and get first crack at the money!

Being the great and magnanimous captain I am I resisted the temptation to put myself in first, and in the absence of Keith I needed equal if not greater flair. There was only one man who fit the bill, and that was John Shiel.

After informing us last week that we should "watch him go" and see how many clearances he would get this season he was obviously the man for the job. My only concern was that after locking them up in darkened room with the greatest super-computer they could build for us, the two NASA scientists we had recruited last week to predict how many clearances he would make this season had gone completely insane and were presently detained under the mental health act. They were last seen mumbling something about "zero point zero" and complaining that the computer was not working properly.

I had to take a chance that John wouldn't do any finishing this week, so in at number one he went and he didn't let me down. 137 visits later and Baron Staples was consigned the pile of players Hokey Cokey Shiel had battered into submission. 1-0.

John Young was up next against Tony Baxter, and it was all one way traffic as John showed us that all the practice he had been doing had not gone to waste. 2-0.

As you might expect from any match between Brad Robinson and Steve Cox it was over in a flash. The showboat challenge was only briefly threatened as brad broke and went for the impossible clearance. He didn't get it, and Steve came in and mopped up. If he had been on our team it would have been worth £15 to him. As it was all he got was Kudos for beating the most hated man in pool. 2-1.

I was on fourth and was in command against Bluey Tatham. In command that is until I botched my last ball. A series of missed pots by both players followed, and eventually I popped the black in the take the frame, if not great applause. 3-1.

Neil was untroubled by Steve Newell (4-1) and in sixth it was Craig's time to debut for the Pack. Except it wasn't. He hadn't turned up. My texts voicemails had gone unanswered, my texts unreplied. I put it to the team, and their feeling were best summarised by a man who shall remain nameless when he said (in a Scottish accent) "Right that's it now. He can f**k off". Well said, the name of Craig Wilson shall not darken our door again this season.

So 4-2 at the break was effectively 4-3 as I knew we had to concede another frame in the second half. Neil had played well in his frame and in practice, so he was up first. He may have been playing a Baron, but Neil truly was Lord of all he surveyed as he won his second of the night for 5-3. I played Steve Cox next and it was a similar story to the first frame, missing a crucial ball as I did. Steve was not as forgiving as Bluey and he got his double for the night. 5-4.

Brad against Tony next, and Tony had a wonderful chance to consign Brad to the double-doughnut hall of fame, but snatched at his final ball. 6-4 after Brad punished the error.

Despite the fact that we were moving through the frames like s**t through a goose, JY clearly had other things on his mind i.e going home to be with his Thai bride, and gave out quicker than a twenty dollar whore (6-5) so it was down to John Shiel to win the final frame of the evening, give us the win we deserved, and maintain our 100% record. With no clearances so far the show boat jackpot was up to £21. John was like a bitch on heat, raring to go - but with a crucial frame to win, the jackpot would have to wait. With John's declaration that he was "fed up playing for the team, I could have gone for it from the off" I knew that the jackpot and the result were both safe, and that we had another week to try and find a replacement for the two scientists. So it proved as John did was John does, and beat John Williamson - former barman of Racks - into submission in under sixty visits. 7-5 the final score, and with us able to welcome back both Grinder and The Wonder next week it's all looking good for the pack.

SHOW BOAT UPDATE

As stunning as it might seem with all this flair on display, the Show Boat Jackpot is a roll-over! £22 in next weeks kitty!

HONK!!!!

2009-07-23T15:16:00.008+01:00

Following a spectacularly unsuccessful assault on the Berkshire Open at the weekend it was back to league duty on Monday, and second match of the season was our first match at our new home – The Bear.

Not only has the new venue played havoc with our team name, but it’s also not too helpful when writing reports when one of your own players is nicknamed “The Bear”. I haven’t seen this much sporting confusion since German Bundesliga team Wolfsburg appointed Wolfgang Wolf as their manager.

Wolfgang Wolf – manager of Wolfsburg - ecstatic after he learns that Andy Brant and Ray Wootton are still an item.

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SPECIAL MATCH REPORT – THE BERKSHIRE OPEN

Sunday morning, and the great and good of Thames Valley Pool had descended on Reading for a go at the Berkshire Open. I began my campaign by sinking the greatest pressure ball black in the history of pool to squeak through 4-3 in the opening round. My wonder-pot of the decade gave me much kudos, but also cleverly served to disguise the fact that I had been absolute tripe all the way through the match and had somehow ballsed up two shots on the black to win it and stuck the black to a cushion. Word had got round that the “Wonder” was about to crash out to an utter unknown who didn’t know the rules, and by the time the crowds arrived I was 3 minutes into a 5 minute stare down between me and the black while I tried to figure out how I got into the mess I was in. Anyway, the black eventually went down and I advanced.

Away from the featured table “The Bear” wasn’t playing well (according to himself!), so we headed into the snooker room for some much needed practise. He rattled in a 43 break and in an instant became “The most hated man in pool and snooker too”. He followed up givng me a snooker smack-down by dry-humping Kevin Bassett 4-0 in the first round – I’d hate to see him when he wasn’t struggling!

‘Magic’ was really unfortunate to lose to Jack Davies. 2-0 down, he turned it round to lead 3-2 and Davies was all over the place with a number of slap-shots missing by miles. But just as it looked to be all over Neil left him a long yellow which would finish or save him and JD pulled out a tremendous pot in no way keeping with his previous 20 minutes. The final frame went to Jack who gathered himself well having been given a lifeline.

JY's plan to play and win the plate competition looked on course as he crashed out to Gary Sefton, and Andy got Billy Warmupmatch to then go through and play Neil’s conqueror Jack Davies.

Terry lost out to Mick Worsfield in a cliff hanger that went right to the wire. Ben Clarke, the world junior champ, had travelled an hour and a half to participate only to get there and draw Rob Uzzell. The Ruzzler opened up the industrial sized bucket of Fudge and the kid couldn’t resist it. Every time I looked round he was facing more containers than an Eddie Stobart garage, the Ruzzler running out an easy winner in the end.

The clash of the second round was “Wonder” v “The Struggling Bear”. The Bear going 2-0 up in no time wasn’t unexpected but the match turned on a missed yellow in the fifth frame. It allowed the Wonder to go 3-2 up and with Dish of the Day cooling gentle on the window sill, the Wonder cleared the next frame to win it 4-2. After this great victory against the former UK #57, all that was left was for the inevitable to happen i.e. The Wonder then plays an inferior opponent and crashes out in sorry fashion. Enter Gary Sefton, exit the Wonder.

While Andy was struggling against Davies and accusing him of being a “lucky c…”, JY had discovered Coors lite and was at it like water. By the time he lost in the plate quarter finals and Magic had gone out to the eventual plate winner Kevin Bassett the rest of us had long gone.

The semis were made up of Ruzzler, Steve “she wanted more” Carmichael and the Sabharwal brothers who, although sounding like a Southall cash and carry, were no doubt eyeing up the prize money and a deal.

Then the absolute worst thing of all happened – England team manager Robert Uzzell won it!! He beat brothers Vikas and Vid in the semi and final respectively. For years we’ve been ridiculing him for doing singles draws in his front room and then bringing it to a tournament. Check the draw sheet and you see he has Mr Bye in the first round, Mrs Bye in the second, the neighbour’s dog in the third and a quarter final against the winner of Local Muppet and Johnny Dreamdraw. Now he has gone and won the flippin’ thing!

Congratulations from Rackspack!

Wolfgang cant believe the news coming through – Uzzell won the open.

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ALL ABOARDDDDDD !!!!

MATCH REPORT – HOME VERSUS NMCC

Back to the matter at hand, and arriving at The Bear on Monday it was nice to see so many ex-Racks players out the front enjoying a drink in the sunshine. The other side playing from the Bear this season also happens to be one of our former Racks teams, so we had a bit of a catch up.

However the most welcome face we spotted was by far that of everyone’s favourite bar wench Amy who was now working at The Bear. Distraught at the loss of Racks and unable to face a summer without “the pack” she had taken up a job in The Bear just to be with us all once a week. She’s a legend, and if we had honorary membership badges we would have given her one there and then.

Coach Southam confirmed that he had the same bunch of reprobates to choose from as last week, but to heighten the excitement of Monday night pool there was the all new Rackspack Showboat Jackpot ®

Yes it was time to roll out the competition that no one can ignore! A pound per frame you play and the money rolling up until someone dishes off their first visit and follows it up with the steamboat honk.

The first team up for punching us out because we look like we are taking the p**s was NMCC A, not to be confused with NMCC B or last weeks opponents WWSC A. They were a totally different proposition and acronym altogether, led by Jim “Pretty Boy” Floyd and Dave “I’ll call myself DD if it gets me in the blog” Dawson.

After his successful debut at number one last week, up stepped the Wonder to lead us off. Pound coin paid into the Show Boat kitty The Wonder opened with a lovely break. But taking his eye of the pot he missed his red which would have left the finish. “Pretty Boy” couldn’t take advantage of this chink in his formidable armour, and the Wonder put us 1-0 up.

John Shiel was up against Maurice Dingley MD, a kinda of Doogie Howser but in reverse. “Hokey-Cokey” was clearly up for the showboat challenge and despite the ridicule of all who had ever seen him play, confidently reminded us that his record over the years spoke for itself, and warned us to “just watch how many clearances I make this season”.

Well. After we had all stopped laughing we realised that in order to keep track of the sheer number of clearances John would make this season we would need help. We put out a couple of calls to NASA and head hunted two of their top scientists. Not only that but we managed to build a super computer just big enough to calculate the massive number of clearances John was going to put in this summer. Not even E.R.N.I.E the premium bonds draw computer could take on the job. Every week we will try and publish the running total of all these dishes.

Wolfgang finally stops crying with laughter when Hokey-Cokey lays the beat-down about all his clearances over the years

12 visits later and we led 2-0!

Up stepped Brad and the stage was set for yet another in the long sequence of events that makes him the “most hated man in pool”. He broke, knocked in red after red and ended up on the black to centre. Before you could say “what a c**k” the black hit the knuckle and stopped right on the lip of the pocket. Unbelievable, it looked in all the way. Shame. 3-0 up and the Show Boat kitty was at £3.

Talking of the show boat, JY clearly had read the rules wrong and thought the prize was for who could take the most visits. At some point shortly after his forty-second visit he managed to clip in a great long black – only for the white to bounce round the table and knock in one of his opponents yellows. 3-1

Couch Southam was untroubled in making it 4-1 and Magic took the next for a 5-1 lead at the break.

With the match all but in our hands, it was all aboard the showboat and the jackpot money was up for grabs. JY avoided the double polo mint beating Craig Brand and the Wonder missed his last red but took the frame against Ray Dawson.

The Bear at the Bear had a slight chance in the next but despite winning the frame couldn’t take the cash and it was then the turn for the man of a thousand dishes to show us how it should be done. Two wins for John Hokey-Cokey Shiel on the night, but more pressing was what was the news from NASA on John’s extra-ordinary career? After he beat MD we rang NASA who had put their top nerd on the case and he computed the numbers.

OFFICIAL NASA REPORT

SUBJECT: John Hokey-Cokey Shiel
CAREER FLAIR RATING: 0.00
TOTAL FINISHES:

Stay tuned each week because I’m sure those numbers will be spinning like fruit machine wheels before you know it.

So the last two to step were Magic and Coach Southam. Magic had the second best chance of the night. Looking down the barrel of a straight yellow down the cushion with black at his mercy he opted for a slow roll. However the table took over and the white dam-bustered its way down the cushion, bouncing on and off it about 5 times before clubbing the yellow into the jaws. There was no silver lining either as Pretty Boy finished off in style to make it 9-2.

Coach had no hope of the money in the last but settled for yet another W and the final score was 10-2. More relevant that the score was the fact that the Showboat Jackpot is a rollover! Next match it starts at £12 and with those absent players (Lee/Craig) having to pay up as well this could hit £20 in no time !!

The league is for lady-boys – real men play the showboat !

HONK !!!

ANNOUNCING - THE SHOW BOAT CHALLENGE

2009-07-20T16:53:00.006+01:00

ATTENTION ALL RACKSPACK PLAYERS!

To celebrate the skill and flair of all those who serve upon the good ship Rackspack, we are pleased to announce the Rackspack Show Boat Challenge.

Each time you turn out for the Rackspack you pay £1 into the Show Boat Challenge pot. The pot is awarded to any player who EITHER clears up from their break OR clears up after his opponent breaks.

Failure to do either of these things and your chance to win the Show Boat Challenge Pot will roll-over to the next player.

In addition, to claim the money the player must demonstrate the SHOW BOAT HONK. Failure to do so will before sitting down/shaking hands, etc will result in prize forfeiture and a roll-over.

Entry is payable each frame you play.

For those players who miss a week or more, they can re-enter the competition by paying £2 per completed match they missed where the pot has remained unclaimed.

Any infraction of the rules will adjudicated on by Messrs Walls & Southam, whose decision will be final. A full copy of these rules can be obtained by emailing rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.

Happy Show Boating!

Match Report - Away Versus White Waltham Social Club

2009-07-14T13:48:00.005+01:00

EPISODE IV – A NEW HOPE

£85 Million!!! Eighty-five! Is anyone seriously worth that amount of money? After all its just a sport for goodness sake. Sure you can make most of it back in merchandising, personal appearances, shirts, scarves and TV deals. And of course your attendances are going to go up as you pack in the crowds every single week. So the talk of the town this summer, and the question on every sports fans lips was – who would take on the mantle of hosting Rackspack now that Racks had gone under!

The whole thing had come as a bit of a shock after Vinny had sent a text two weeks ago to say that the liquidators were in and Racks had gone under. Not only had I already paid the summer league entry fee, printed the t-shirts and commissioned the commemorative mugs, but we had shareholders and season ticket-holders to keep happy!

The off season had seen us busy in the transfer market trying to secure not one but two teams for the venue. We had been inundated with literally one request to join our team since our most recent failure to take the Summer league trophy. After losing in the worst semi final I have ever played in the inevitable casualties followed as Coach Shiel was given the bullet. Now lacking not only the captaincy but also a nickname, John was pulled back into the playing ranks and new Coach Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam stepped up to take on the awesome responsibility. The king is dead – long live the king!

Reeling from the body blow of Racks going under, Vinny’s text now meant that we were without a venue and unable to field the two sides we wanted. Not only that, but we were stuck with a team name that now has no relevance to our venue. The statement of “Racks gone into liquidation – closed down for good” was one of those ‘you remember where you were when you heard’ days…

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It took me back actually to a Saturday night in Northern Ireland. I was over there visiting family back in 1990 and some of us had spent the small hours in a club in this out of the way place called Cookstown. In a drunken stupor, my older cousin had pulled some atrocious looking woman and then disappeared with her around 10pm. At 3am he arrived back to meet us and catch the coach home, but wouldn’t admit just how bad looking this woman was. All of us on the coach were ripping into him while he sat in silence taking the abuse and trying not to react. After 30 minutes of relentless abuse he stood up at the back of the coach, and in front of 40 people (most of which we didn’t know) he said:

“ LOOK, I didn’t realise how bad she was ‘til we got under a street lamp. She had a set of teeth like a witchdoctors necklace and her growler needed more work than Terry Waites allotment! ALRIGHT! “

Vinny’s text had the same effect – stunning and something I wasn’t going to forget.

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All of which brings us back to this seasons pool. Rackspack needed to regroup, so JY and ex-coach Shiel did a pub crawl/reccy to find a new venue, and after venturing up and down Maidenhead High Street finally settled on The Bear. Our top brass negotiated long and hard with landlady Jane, and she eventually agreed to the world-record fee of £85 million that would bring the handsomest most talented people ever to pick up a cue to her venue. She got the bargain of the summer , and all we had to do now was settle on the side.

Coach Southam rallied the troops and after an extensive and exhaustive selection process settled on:

Coach “Slugger” Southam
Keith “The Wonder” Walls
Neil “Magic 105.4” Cameron
Brad “The bear at The Bear” Robinson
John “JY” Young
John “needs a new nickname” Shiel
Lee “Grinder” Greenwood
Craig “If he turns up at all I will owe you a fiver” Wilson
Ben “I’ll put him in a double with Craigy” Kiely

We had dotted the ‘t’s, crossed the ‘i’s, and all that remained was a name for our now legendary assault of the league title

Summer League 2009 – This Time it’s Personal

Match Report: WHITE WALTHAM SOCIAL CLUB 2 – 10 RACKS PACK

Like pulling on a old pair of slippers we slipped effortlessly into the usual routine and traditions. The first one, of course, being that we barely made six players on the night and the second one was getting lost on the way to our first match.

I went straight from work as it was only 4 miles away. Leaving bright and early at 7.10pm I got there dark and late at 7.55pm! Thank god Terry rang me while I was driving and was able to tell me where the place was. JY, Coach Southam, John and Bradley Bear were already there, and it was left to Neil to make the six. After a frantic phone call to find out where he was we knew that he had less idea of how to get there than we did. Fortunately JY spotted his car in the distance going the wrong way, so we rang Neil and told him to do a swift bat-turn and head back. Twenty minutes later Neil was still nowhere to be seen, and it dawned on us that perhaps it wasn’t Neil’s car that JY had seen after all. So of course we had to ring him again and tell him he was probably going in the right direction in the first place and could he get a move on. At 8pm he had managed to find a local cricket club, and eventually at 8.20 we managed to guide him back to WWSC.

The match got under way, and Coach Southam’s first big decision was who would lead us off on the path to eventual glory. The answer was “Wonder” Walls and he justified the decision with an 8 ball dish – it was the start of dreams. For the rest of the team, who had to be talked through it in excruciating detail, the stuff of nightmares. 1-0 to The Pack, and Dish of the Day already in the bag for the Wonder.

John was up next against Wayne Parr, and in a typical John Shiel frame no-one could figure out quite what he was doing or what shot he was going to play next. One minute he was in the frame, then he was out of it, then back in, then out, in, out, in, out. At one point he did actually shake it all about, and at that stage it struck us. A new star was born in John “hokey-cokey” Shiel. Luckily for John, at the conclusion of the frame he was in rather than out, and he duly stroked the black into the pocket and we took a 2-0 lead.

With things going swimmingly we carried on another Rackspack tradition of trying to chuck it all away. Brad’s mind was clearly and understandably on other things, and a slightly out-of-sorts Bear lost to Mick Rapley who hit a couple of cracking pots to pull one back for WWSC. The cocktail of Strongbow, Stella and a half-dozen Menthol cigarettes since four o’clock that afternoon was also having an effect on Brads game. Mind you, he did tell us how Dean Wisher was the best one frame pool player he had ever seen and then slipped in the “when I beat Dean Wisher on the Region 7 tour 7-1 he said to me… “ blah blah blah. Thus proving that ‘the most hated man in pool’ had lost none of his swagger during the summer hiatus. At least he was man enough to admit that John Terry had gone off the boil and would be better off going to Man City!

What was needed now was a real captains performance. Gritty resolve and a steady nerve were just two of the characteristics missing from Coach Southam’s game as Mark Trillow levelled it up at 2-2.

JY has spent hours on the practise table in recent weeks trying to work his game up from piss poor to slightly below average. It paid off as he put in an excellent finish against ‘Happy’ Gilmore which meant we took the lead again (3-2). ‘Magic’ followed JY, sporting for the first time a newly tipped cue courtesy of Robert Uzzell. After one shot where “it felt spongy”, he then cleared with the next visit and put us 4-2 up at the half.

One thing we wont miss from Racks is the sandwiches. But it’s good to know that despite it’s demise, the spirit of Racks lives on in outside catering as something strikingly similar to Racks fare appeared at half time, jazzed up by some sliced peppers.

Perhaps this Racks spirit fired us up, as the second half was a blitzkrieg as we stepped up a gear and “brought the thunder”!

JY doubled up against an unfortunate Rapley who could have taken a notable couple of scalps in JY and Brad but for a missed pot (5-2). The Wonder got past ‘Happy’ Gilmore who played two really good frames on the night but for no reward and “Hokey Cokey” put it all in once again and after shaking it all about notched up his double (7-2).

It was then left to the only losers from the first set to see if one of them was going to record the dreaded ‘double bagel’ in the opening match of the season. Coach Southam was never in danger with a polished performance and The Bear did what he does best – looking like he was in trouble he slammed a yellow the length of the table down a rail, and dropped in the black despite the white being wedged under the cushion.

Magic Cameron and his SpongeBob tip whittled through the final frame of the night and we had taken 8 in a row from 2-2 to get a 10-2 victory against a pretty useful side.

Pointless Flair Shot of the Week went to ‘hokey-cokey’ Shiel who slammed a double in with absolutely no effort at position on any other ball. Whacking it in and casually standing back trying to look like you know what you are doing is what this shot is all about.

***************************

*newsflash*

Keep your mouse fingers flexed and your browsers pointed at rackspack.blogspot.com for earth-shattering news of what will surely be the most talked about event of this summers league - The rackpack.blogspot.com showboat special!

An announcement and more details follow...

*newsflash*

Semi Final Report

2008-11-05T18:10:00.002Z

Match Report Special AKA The Damp Squib Match

After a fantastic quarter final win we were all looking a potentially classic semi final, replete with great shots, dramatic action and a cliff-hanging climax. Much to our disappointment our season sunk into a sea of mediocrity on Monday night.

What a rubbish match! What an anti climax!

You know when SKY hype up “Grand Slam Sunday” and you sit down telling yourself that this is going to be great…then 20 minutes into Man United/Arsenal v Chelsea/Liverpool, you realise you’ve been duped as you think to yourself “this is the most boring match I have seen, what utter dirge”.

Well, that pretty much sums up our semi with BAPL on Monday. It was crap, virtually from start to finish, utter utter crap.

We lost 7-4 and to be honest I don’t think anyone really cared. The atmosphere was dead, the passion non existent and the only time we perked up was when Deano, Jez and the rest of the Forresters team turned up to see who would be beating them in next weeks final.

We should have suspected something wasn’t right when the first song on the jukebox when we arrived at the Forresters was Alvin and the Chipmunks! The whole night was just terribly wrong. It was like being a teenager invited for a personal tour of Michael Jackson’s ranch – you know you should feel excited about it but deep down you know that something’s not right.

The only decent clearance in eleven frames was Sean Watson’s and that was with two shots and ball in hand on a relatively simple finish. The rest of us - on both sides - never managed put four pots together.

Every one of us fouled at least once in our frames, whether it be stupid in-offs, bad luck, not nominating a total snooker, not hitting a cushion or touching a ball with the cue. It a jolly poor show.

And yet things had started really well. The Slugger good us oof on the good foot by knocking in a nice finish (after getting two) against Mick Worsfield, but really Mick should have won it when he had two shots himself and missed a cut on the black by a country mile. 1-0

The Wonder broke in the next, potted a yellow but left himself tied up and only a red ball on. Nominating reds he knocked it in, but the white flicked off another ball and into the middle. Sean took out the simple finish with his two shots and we were level. 1-1

Magic lost the next when he snookered himself on his last ball and failed to get out of it, and another two shots given away by us and led to 2-1 down.

The Bear fouled in the fourth, and the BAPL player cleared up to his last ball, inexplicably screwing the bal into the middle pocket after potting it. The Bear put the rest away. It was 2-2, and a we were still in it.

Lee battled through his frame with Spike. He tried to bounce out his difficult yellow but the white went up and down the table after clipping another ball and shot into the corner to give Spike two shots and the frame. 2-3

Coach made it 3-3 at the break but only through bad play from his opponent. Coach had only just managed to hit the cushion trying to slow roll a pot to the corner. His opponent then gave away two shots and he duly cleared up. Six of the worst frames you are likely to see, and it was still all to play for.

At this point at least one team should have stepped-up and showed what they were capable of but it just got worse. Wonder lost his second when leaving a foul snooker against Sean. His only saving grace was that he had also left it so that Sean’s yellow wouldn’t go into the corner past his red, but in knocking it past the red trying to set it up, it curled round the red on the wonky table and dropped in. 3-4

In the next Bradley made a total “Cameron” (school-boy error) and forgot to call a total snooker and rolled into his ball, giving away yet another two shots, and with it the frame. 3-5

Coach pulled one back in another awful frame, this time against Matt Gouriet. Coach had two shots with one ball and the black but managed to screw up the positioning and called for a total snooker on the 8ball. As he was playing it ‘Wonder’ (who was reffing) stopped him mid shot to point out that actually he could see a clear edge of the black, and it wasn’t a total snooker! Coach then easily clipped it out of the bunch and potted it for 5-4!!! Why he asked for the total in the first place was anyone’s guess- it was just that kind of night.

It looked for a moment as if the comeback was on, but it wasn’t to be, and at crucial times we had no run of the ball when we really needed it.

Slugger put in the only good frame of the night on behalf of the Racks Pack, and left an excellent snooker behind the black after freeing his last ball. Coach Shiel called it shot of the night, but if any snooker was too good it was this one. Rather than leaving a once across the table escape, the white was so close to the black his oppo had to attempt as escape off three cushions. He skimmed one that he wasn’t aiming for, and left the white just off the top cushion and giving some awkward cueing. It needed a dead weight roll and the table wasn’t going to oblige as the white bent off and Slugger missed the pot. It cost us the frame. Ironically if the original snooker hadn’t been so good he would have probably had an easier shot whether or not his opponent escaped from the snooker. 4-6

Magic was in for the Racks Pack to save the match, and in a frame where the shots went from good to bad and back again, neither player seemed to be able to give it away. It came down to Magic potting an excellent yellow and having to take on a thin cut black into the centre. The pot missed, Chris Tate (I think) laid up the snooker and in line with our previous frames Magic missed and we gave away another two shots. Chris took out his last two balls and brought our season to an end. He summed it up perfectly when he said to Neil at the end “I was just hoping you would pot the black and put me out of my misery – I was awful”.

That sentence covered the entire match for me – it was utterly dreadful.

So the season goes out with a whimper rather than a bang. I would have preferred to have been thrashed to be honest, or perhaps go out on a deciding frame – at least in a way that we would have had some excitement. Considering the amount of county and other quality players on show it was the worst match I’ve been involved in for a long time. Lord only knows what time the match would finally have finished if it had gone all the away – as it was we finished at 12:15. Eleven frames in four hours tells you how scrappy it was.

On a personal note, this season has been another barrel of laughs. After his walkout at the Thatched Cottage we never saw JY again, although we did get a few phone calls from him to see if he was needed. Kev fell for one of Andy Brants “tap on the shoulder” specials – always amusing [in a childish and total juvenile way – ED]. In the end the Golden Cross debacle didn’t make any difference to the course of the season, and it’s Bracknell who will go on to the seasons finale against the Forresters after Dean’s team of reprobates comprehensively beat the Racks Maniacs.

Some of us will be in Yarmouth this weekend for the Champion of Champions matches. It’s a good turnout from the local area with Lee’s Lady Haig team, Rob Uzzell’s Windsor side joining The Irish Club and a team from Marlow. In truth if any of us get through to the second knockout stage on the Sunday it will be an achievement. Coach, the Bear, Vic, Magic and myself are in a 4 man qualifier for the Hainsworth event that Rileys are running and that might be fruitful given the entry criteria they are using.

With various Winter Leagues fast approaching it’s nearly time to wrap up the blog, put it in a warm box with three carrots and handful of straw and allow it to hibernate for another year as the Racks pack team members go their separate ways. Keep your browsers here for a little while longer though, as Creative Director Walls and Editor-In-Chief Southam present their highlights of the season, and THE highlight of any season - The Rackspack Awards 2008, sponsored by Rackspack.blogspot.com.

Don’t forget the deadline for sponsorship of the award ceremony has been extended by one more week, and there are a number of Gold, Silver and Bronze packages available. So if you want to join us on a VIP ladies night out and be associated with these prestigious awards, then contact us at Rackspack@hotmail.co.uk

While Kevin tries to figure out some way for him to finish top of the averages, and we prepare for the awards, we present some other great sporting failures:

http://failblog.org/2008/11/03/wrestling-fail-2/

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds0wEBKuxv8

Happy cueing,

K&K

Updated Averages - after quarter final

2008-11-03T13:05:00.000Z

The boy Walls has taken what is surely his rightful place at the top of the averages! Two wins against the Thatched Cottage and the question on everyone's lips is - could he be playing any better? With Slugger & Coach Shiel making up the rest of the top three, can they hold off the relentless charge of The Most Hated Man In Pool (TM) Bradley Robinson.

RANKING	Player	Win %	Attendance %	Total Points

1	Keith	86.7	72.7	159
2	John S	62.5	90.9	153
3	Kevin	68.8	81.8	151
4	Brad	85.7	63.6	149
5	Neil	56.3	90.9	147
5	Vic	83.3	63.6	147
7	John Y	64.3	72.7	137
8	Lee	53.8	72.7	127

Match Report - Quarter Final versus Thatched Cottage

2008-10-31T17:07:00.005Z

Every now and then the sporting gods decide to give someone or some team a chance to right a previous wrong. For example, Stuart Pearce missed a penalty in the 1990 World Cup and then six years later, in front of 90,000 people at Wembley Stadium, scores the penalty against Spain to put England into the semis of Euro 96.

Four years ago Colin Montgomery stood over (and made) the putt to win Europe the Ryder Cup having taken so much stick from the American “fans” that his dad walked off the course, unable to listen to it.

Easily making my top 5 sporting moments was Goran Ivanisevic winning Wimbledon in 2001. Having lost in three finals (twice to Sampras and once to Andre Agassi), he was a 150-1 no-hoper at the start of the tournament. Two weeks later, and after a last service game that was quite incredible, he beat Pat Rafter to finally take the title and exorcise the demons.

Maybe, just maybe, the sporting gods have handed the Racks Pack a similar opportunity…

Exorcising the Demons

After falling at the quarter final hurdle two years running we really couldn’t have picked a worse team to play in the quarters than the Thatched Cottage. The form was with them – they had beaten us the previous week - and we knew it was going to be tough. I had a feeling that we could be heading for yet another 7-6 decider.

There was a fire roaring away in the smokers area as we arrived at the TC so I wrote down “7-6” on a piece of paper and threw it into the blaze…

“Oh ye gods I demand you lift this curse from the pack!!”

JY “the Cinderella man” said that he could make it but wouldn’t be available for the second half. So Coach decided that it was probably easier to give him the night off and replaced him with The Slugger. Kev's ceaseless quest to attend every lap-dancing bar in Western Europe had prevented him from playing in last weeks loss to The TC, but he returned to the fold with wind his sails, chalk on his tip and lead in his pencil.

The first six frames were all nip and tuck. Coach should have been beat in the opener but Vinny made a terrible mess on the match-winning ball and then gave away two shots. John did his version of “Go your own way” with a bizarre set of shot selections but managed to get the job done and we took an undeserving lead. 1-0

The Slugger returned the favour in the next when he rather unfortunately left himself with only a tough long yellow and snookered on his other last ball one over the pocket. After missing the pot John Molley needed no second invitation and levelled the match. 1-1

Lol looked like being in command in the third frame until failing on his last ball. It left The Wonder with five reds and a black that were dispatched accordingly. 2-1

Uzzell then dug in against Magic with a street-wise performance of safety and potting and we were all square again at 2-2.

The Bear was up against Dog in the winner-takes-all, animal nicknames encounter, and the money for the favourite was landed when Brad put the hound down. Once Farrah beat Lee in the sixth frame it was 3-3 on the night and you just felt that there was a last frame decider on its way again.

A Racks Pack team huddle round the hotdogs and roast potatoes began. The order for the second half was now becoming quite crucial and everyone pitched in with a plan, including Andy Brant. Yes, THAT Andy Brant! Where there’s free food you find this half of the Right Said Fred of Thames Valley Pool, and tonight was no exception. We settled on Keith leading out against John “Lord” Molley and was quickly onto last orders as he put in his best finish of the season. Starting with a long red from off the cushion, he then put another into the middle by flicking it in off the difficult ball on the rail. Luckily that ball poked out just enough to leave the pot on and with the black gaping he made it 4-3.

Frame eight, and in what was probably the turning point of the match Lee ‘The Grinder’ played Steve Adams. Lee has not been at his best this season (as the averages will show) but he had an inspired frame this time around, and put in a wonderful finish just when we needed it. The black rattled for a second and then dropping into the corner to add a bit more tension. We had a two frame lead and now the pressure was firmly on the opposition. 5-3

Frame nine and the best one of the night for me. There can’t be many matches where you would see two players with more under their belts than Uzzell v Brad – frames of pool we mean! With these two you know there’s a lot those belts can hold a lot in, and tonight they were stretched to breaking point. It certainly was there to be seen on the Ruzzler!

The Bear engineered a situation where he had to play a clever shot of potting one red, screwing across the table to knock in another that was covered by a yellow, and leaving himself a long black that was in the jaws at the other end of the table. Of course Uzzell knew this, and played some excellent containing shots to stop it…and a long frame of cat and mouse was played out. Eventually Robert got to a situation where he was one more visit away from a chance of turning the frame round…and Brad was forced into taking on the double pot. He played it superbly. Potting the ball over the right corner he managed to fire the white back across and knock in the one over the opposite pocket, the white then flew up the table towards the black and stopped in the only place where he couldn’t put the black in directly. Instead The Bear played the white across the table, off the side cushion and back across to hit the black along the top rail and in. Terrific shot and easily the Flair shot of the week (although not pointless).

At 6-3 we were looking good and Kev bought home the pancetta with a clinical finish. Vinny gave away two shots away and The Slugger never looked in trouble as he knocked in the final balls to give us the win. 7-3

At last we could take that monkey off our back.

So as I said at the start, it’s all about those demons. Talking of which the others Racks team AKA Racks Pack-it-in (Racks Maniacs actually, but I see what you did there – ED) got through 7-6 against Woodlands Park. Steve Cox was the Racks hero, clinching the match. It brings about the scary possibility that he might stop moaning for a change. We had to listen to him bitch about how unfair our section was, what with us, The Likely Lads, Thatched Cottage as his Earls Angels team…only to then find out he transferred to back Racks Maniacs instead!! In the second semi final they have drawn the Foresters who came from 6-3 down to defeat the Thatched Cottage A 7-6.

Also on the subject of Demons, in an interesting development in the first semi-final we are now up against BAPL. Regular readers (all two of them) will now be putting the pieces together as they realise that not only have we exorcised one demon (getting past the quarter finals) we now have the chance to exorcise a second demon by beating BAPL (they beat us in the quarter final last year) with a further possibility of exorcising a third in the final against Foresters (they beat us in the quarter finals two years ago)!

Somebody get me a ouija board, some pins and a voodoo doll!

Updated Averages

2008-10-23T18:11:00.002+01:00

Now that the league section of the summer shin-dig is over, here are the updated averages:

RANKING	Player	Played*	Won	Win %	Team -Matches Played	Player - Matches Played	Attendance %	Total Points

1	Keith	13	11	84.6	10	7	70.0	155
2	Vic	12	10	83.3	10	7	70.0	153
3	Kevin	14	10	71.4	10	8	80.0	151
4	John S	15	9	60.0	10	9	90.0	150
4	Neil	15	9	60.0	10	9	90.0	150
6	John Y	14	9	64.3	10	8	80.0	144
7	Brad	12	10	83.3	10	6	60.0	143
8	Lee	11	6	54.5	10	7	70.0	125
9	Ben	2	2	100.0	10	1	10.0	110

		*After home match versus Thatched

Now that I am no longer top I have decided to keep the averages going through the knockout section. With John Young threatening not to come to next weeks quarter final, it's up to John S, Neil and myself to give Keith a race for top spot. It looks difficult for Brad to top the averages now, what with his loss from this week, and the fact that I am calculating the averages.

Slugger.

Match Report - Home versus The Thatched Cottage

2008-10-23T14:01:00.003+01:00

Hoping For A Miracle.

I’m a total TV sports addict (apart from cricket!). I watch so much of the stuff is ridiculous, but when you are watching something live it’s always more fun, especially when you see some sort of cliffhanger or one-off miracle happening that will live long in the memory. My work mates’ brother went to the Liverpool - Milan Champions League final in Turkey a few years back, and left at half-time when Liverpool were 3-0 down. He and his friends were totally fed up and couldn’t face the taxi queue to get back into Istanbul centre once the match had finished. After a 30 minute cab ride into town they saw Liverpool fans running out of nearby bars screaming and shouting and the horror of what they had done dawned on them - Liverpool were back to 3-3! It was heading for extra time and the drama of what would follow, with a penalty shoot-out to decide the greatest prize in European club football, will go down in football folklore. Meanwhile, they sat in a bar watching it unfold not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

Of course watching a sporting miracle is one thing, but actually being part of that ‘miracle’ is something special, a story to tell the grandkids for years and years to come. As we arrived at Racks on Monday the question on the back pages of every sports publication in the country was “Could the Rackspack sink the Thatched Cottage 11-1, clinch the section title and create their own sporting miracle?”

We had been greeted by the news that regardless of the result we had drawn the Thatched anyway in the quarters. The only thing left to sort out was the section winner and therefore have home advantage for the knock out stages starting next Monday. Team news showed that The Slugger was away scouting burlesque houses in Paris, France but Grinder Greenwood had returned to take his place and give us the six we needed.

Having to win any pool match 11-1 is not an enviable position, but of course it was our own fault we were in this position the first place - the balls-up with the Golden Cross game had seen to that. However with Christmas rapidly approaching we were heading for that season of miracles so you never know. James “Britain's Hardest” Harness had gone from breaking two vertebrae in his back and fracturing his pelvis on the Saturday, to turning up at the Lady Haig to watch his pool team on the Thursday! Yep, these were certainly strange times and strange things were a-happening. If ever there was time for a miracle it was now.

The Miracle of the Pointless Flair Shot of the Week

We didn’t have to wait long to see it this week. Frame one, and in the battle of the two Johns, John ‘the Coach’ Shiel did his level best to screw up his frame but got let off when John ‘the Landlord’ Molley rattled a long black. It looked safe enough in the middle of the bottom cushion and the white up in the baulk end. But a length of the table double slammed into the top corner put the Racks one up. The scoreboard was up and running and with The Bear up next, the impossible was possible.

The Three Blind Men

One frame up was as close as we got, and it was downhill from here. The Bear went for a finish against Vinny, missed the double on the black and left Vinny to clear up. 1-1

Neil ‘the magic’ got beat by an inspired Farrah (2-1) and JY lost to Dog who had his own miracle when somehow escaping from a snooker and covering JYs only yellow in the process. 3-1

‘Wonder’ took Uzzell out with some ease to get us back in the game (3-2) but the comeback was short-lived as Lee lost to Lol. Lol had three easy reds left all over pockets and the black on its spot. Lee decided the finish wasn’t easy enough so after hitting his last yellow in a wild double attempt he managed to pot two of the three reds and give Lol two visits to finish if off. 4-2 down at the break and by now even a 8-4 win would not be enough, so it was just a case of damage limitation.

The Miracle of the Five Loaves and Two Fishes.

We all know how Jesus fed the crowds near Galilee with just five loaves and two fish. That’s nothing. Every week at Racks Amy somehow manages to feed two pool teams with only six slices of bread, two slices of ham and a tin of tuna - all for only six quid! If there’s ever a second coming then let’s hope the Lord doesn’t decide to start the faith in Maidenhead high street.

The Miracle of the Amazing Vanishing Man.

Despite JYs protests that he wanted to play early in the back six, Coach decided to put the big guns out first to try and get us back into the game and lay down a marker for next weeks knockout. The Wonder doubled up on the night with victory over Vinny, and in an amusing literary twist ‘The Bear’ got one over Steve ‘Grizzly’ Adams. 4-4

With the match all square it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Unfortunately the quickest finish we could manage in the remaining four frames was by JY, who couldn’t be bothered hanging around for his frame and instead grabbed his cue and legged it. The ‘Cinderella Man’ struck again as he raced off home rather than hang about and turn into a pumpkin by half ten. It was a new and interesting variation on JY’s usual disappearing act.

While most of us were either laughing or just plain dumbstruck Coach was trying to hand Uzzell a double doughnut. Maybe the disappearance of JY to blame, or maybe just the terrible shot selection (or both) but either way Rob sent Coach packing and it was 5-4. Lol was the grateful recipient of JY’s Houdini impression and we went from 4-4 to 6-4 down in a matter of minutes.

Magic played an excellent solid frame against Dog to give us hope of the draw (6-5) but Chris Farrah struck again for his double against Lee to put us down for good. 7-5 after Lee gave away a deliberate foul only to see Chris pull out a fantastic finish for a Man of the Match performance and victory for the thatched boys.

So we taste defeat for the first time in the campaign in unusual circumstances. It’s been a bizarre few seasons. Over the years we have played and won matches having only four players, struggled at times to get even 6, and not turned up for a match by misreading the fixtures. But I don’t recall us starting with a full team and ending up giving away a frame, so we have once again broken new ground.

In the ultimate piss-take JY text late on to say he had left his coat there and could we find it for him. No doubt he was relieved we found it, which is ironic as we only placed it behind the bar after we all relieved ourselves on it.

Next Monday is the quarter finals and the draw couldn’t be tougher. If we beat the Thatched then it looks like Bracknell in the semi (if they win as expected against the Pond House). Meanwhile in the other half, Thatched A, Forresters, Woodlands Park and the other Racks side will do battle for the honour of taking home a large portion Racks Pack whoop-ass in the final.

This is our third year and our third quarter-final, surely it wont go like the last two and end up in a 7-6 defeat for the mighty Racks boys? Not three times in a row!?! What sort of horrible miracle would that be?

A clarification

2008-10-16T16:22:00.003+01:00

We at Racks Pack Towers are not infallible. In fact we make more obvious errors than Alan Davies on QI. In this instance we're happy to provide a clarification regarding the following entry from this weeks blog:

"Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table."

We have been informed by a reliable source that the name of Brad's opponent in the deciding frame of their match was ALSO called Brad. Thus the comment from the Bracknell website was a tongue-in-cheek, being as it was a pun on the fact that someone called Brad was bound to win either way.

Further investigation has that this was not the only coincidence. Not only do they have the same name, but Bracknell's Brad also has up to four girlfriends at any one time, uses the word c**t too much, and has a lady's night wing-man called Slugger.

Astonishing.

K&K

Match Report - Away versus The Likely Lads

2008-10-15T17:35:00.012+01:00

Before we get to this weeks drivel and really get our teeth into Kevin’s horrendous performance we had better mention a couple of other things that have happened this week.

Firstly some bad news. James “Britain’s Hardest” Harness was knocked off his motorbike on Saturday and is currently strapped to a bed in a Surrey hospital. A couple of broken vertebrae and a fractured pelvis doesn’t sound too good but it could have been a lot worse. The Racks Pack doctor advises us that such injuries could badly affect his ability to play pool...or should that be his ability to play pool badly. Either way, we wish him a full and speedy recovery.

If you have any stories or messages to pass on to James, you can email them to us and we will get them to him. James played for us last summer and all of us at Racks have known and played with him many times over the last 15-20 years.

Next up we have a link to the Bracknell and Ascot website, where you’ll find their version of events from the recent Champion of Champion qualifiers. Seeing as I gave my view a few blog entries ago, I thought that it only fair to give them a right to reply.

Click on http://www.bracknellascotpool.com/latestnews.html and scroll down to the “Gypos slay the Haig” headline.

In the report of the match against the Irish Club a couple of things standoiut. Firstly their description of the decider, and more precisely how they thought that “the table had come to the rescue of the Irish”. It’s quite funny and probably tongue-in-cheek, but they have completely missed the point. Brad deliberately left his oppo a pot knowing full well he had no hope of getting on his last ball. The guy was suckered in and played the shot anyway, and of course didn’t get on it and subsequently lost the match. Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table.

The account of the game versus The Lady Haig also raised a smile here in Racks Pack Towers. I particularly enjoyed the part mocking the bloke in the long coat – seeing as a couple of the “Gypos” dropped their load when approaching him at the end of the match – one of them with a clenched fist. Other than that, the most glaring error on the page is that it fails to mention their subsequent disqualification for fielding an illegal player.

An interesting aside, it wasn’t until I read their report that I realised how strong the rivalry is between the Bracknell and Slough teams. The Irish Club have easily been the best side in the county for the last decade (even if you say so yourself – ED), however it has to be said we’ve lost our edge lacking, as we do, any serious competition in the area. The match against The Twigg was just the kick in the arse that we needed to pull our fingers out and put in a top performance. That sort of competition between the top sides is needed and hopefully that will encourage the B&A players to keep getting better and help strengthen the county side for next season. It’s a shame that the Irish Club will be disbanding as it brings to an end a golden era of pool at the Irish club.

There could well be a whole blog entry dedicated to the subject if only to allow me to reminisce about some great times and wallow in self indulgence.

Before my mind wanders, let’s move swiftly on to this weeks match report against The Likely Lads.

What became of the Likely Lads?

Thanks to a combination of bye weeks, teams being ejected and of course gross stupidity, none of the Racks Pack had swung a cue in anger for a month. None, that is, apart from Bradley who seems to be aiming for a new pool endurance record playing, as he does, every other day of the week. Taking into account Maidenhead on a Monday, Slough league on Thursdays, Interleague at Chiswick on a Sunday, a recent county match against Surrey and also the Interleague knockout finals in Yarmouth, surely it’s only a matter of time before he tops the averages somewhere. All this is just a typical few weeks pool in the life of the big fella.

All this pool must have taken it’s toll on the bear, as earlier on Monday afternoon he had text Slugger angling for a lift to pool that night, but instead ended up driving and picking him up! Our match was away at The Pond House, and as usual the rest of us had met up at racks for some practice.

It was Coach Shiels’ birthday, and to help him celebrate he had bought Mrs Coach along. She was in the mood for a night of top class pool and entertainment, but must have been sorely disappointed to find out that we were playing the Likely Lads.

To have almost any hope of clinching the divisional title, we needed a big win over the Likely Lads allied to some kind of miracle/shock result in the game between The Thatched Cottage and Earls Angels. Only these two events in unison would set up a ‘winner takes all’ decider with the TC at our place next Monday. Of course Triple T (Terry The Turncoat) was also aware of this and, like the incontinent uncle at the family birthday, would do all he could to spoil the party.

Leading off was our man at the top of the averages, ‘Slugger’ versus Steve ‘she wanted more’ Carmichael. Kevin had already said on a number of occasions how much he enjoys playing the ‘Aslan of the green baize’, although by now probably not as much as Steve enjoys playing Kev. He of the golden mane beat our own fair-haired fop for the second time in two matches. 0-1

The Bear must have been ‘all pooled out’ as he lost to Andos Brant who hit a cracking black up the rail to put the LL 2-0 up, and dancing Danny Raj outlasted the Coach in a tactical finish as they raced into a commanding 3-0 lead.

By now the idea of us registering a big victory to keep pace in the section was now out the window, and instead it was becoming a case of just trying to avoid an embarrassing thrashing. The comeback began when ‘the Wonder’ beat Maurice Dingley, despite missing an 8-ball finish with a shocking in-off from his second last yellow [shocking as in it took you that long in the frame to go in-off – ED]. 3-1

The comeback was short-lived when Magic lost out to Triple T, who pulled off one of the most outrageous, all time great, fluked safety shots, jawing the white ball in the top corner pocket and leaving Magic snookered on the black thanks to a red in the middle of the table. Triple T polished the game off when he got two shots and Magic was left cursing another loss. 4-1

JY clawed a frame back for us against Pat, who made a terrible mistake sinking the white with the frame at his mercy. At the break it was 4-2.

What was needed now was a few of our top people to pull their thumbs out and stop playing like men with no thumbs. The Bear did just that, handing Pat a second loss in two frames (and a fourth loss out of four against us this season) and JY, fearing a hatchet job when his upcoming profile is published notched his second win on the night to draw us level. 4-4

In the next Andos Brant lost the white ball to give your truly two visits, and I produced the Dish of the Day with a visit to spare to haul the Rackspack ahead for the first time in the match. 5-4

All momentum was with the RP and we were looking unstoppable. We thought there was light at the end of the tunnel after all, but the light turned out to be that of an oncoming train as The Slugger had his pants pulled down and his arse spanked by a gleeful Steve Carmichael. With a plant lined up to take the frame his arm wrote a cheque that his ability couldn’t cash and the red stayed up over the pocket allowing ‘Aslan’ to level it up at 5-5. We put out an order for ‘Two bagels to go’ for The Slugger and they delivered.

Needing both the last two to win it my money wouldn’t have been on Magic to beat Danny. Magic has had almost no run of the balls this season, and his task wasn’t made any easier by me putting Fleetwood Mac’s “Go your own way” on the jukebox just a he was putting in his first clearance attempt. He was unlucky to just nudge his last red behind a yellow but recovered to put it over a pocket. Than, after potting the red and surviving a snooker on the black the bad run he had been getting went out the window as he came off the side cushion to escape a snooker, crashed into the black and managed to slam it into the middle pocket. 6-5

And so the scene was set for birthday boy Coach Shiel to go out and win the match for us and with it the love of his woman. Frankly he owed us for the debacle of missing the Golden Cross fixture a few weeks earlier, and with Mrs Coach in attendance everything was poised for him to repay both team and wife. A couple of misfires, some lucky leaves, and a miss from Triple T gave Coach a long black for the win. It rattled in the jaws of the pocket, thought about it, and subsequently decided that since it was his birthday it would finally drop just when we all thought it was staying up. 7-5 and the victory was ours.

So we escaped with the 3 points but really three points and a 7-5 win wasn’t enough. The Thatched won 10-2 some quick calculations on Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair tell us that we need to win at least 11-1 next Monday to nick the section. Unlikely but lest we forget…we are not simply men - we are Racks Pack!!

Player Profile Special - Kevin Southam & Keith Walls

2008-10-10T14:14:00.011+01:00

By popular demand, and to satisfy the lust of our legions of female admirers, here are the long-awaited and much anticipated player profiles of Messrs Southam & Walls:

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Name:
Kevin Southam

Nickname:
“Slugger”. Back in the day his league doubles partner was a 18 stone nightclub bouncer called Jason Brown. “Slugger” was the only one who ever got away with slagging him off if he messed up.

Age:
35

Weight:
78 KGs, consisting of 90% McDonalds & 10% Water.

Job:
As co-founder and CEO of Rackspack Incorporated, and Chief Editor of rackspack.blogspot.com, he’s the man to please if you DON’T want your name to appear online.

Fav food:
Pizza.

Fav drink:
Chilled red wine.

Fav woman:
Wife. After that it’s not possible to pick just one.

Fav music:
Anything Keith doesn’t like or has in fact heard of.

He says:
“I don’t have my hair cut – I have it ‘styled’. That’s the difference between me and you”

They say:
With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool.

K&K say:
It wouldn’t be the same without him. It might be better, but it wouldn’t be the same.

Where you might find him:
In Smokey Joe’s before anyone else has arrived.

Where you wont find him:
Working out at the gym. He goes five times a week but never actually makes it past the smoothie bar.

One more thing:
It’s a little known fact that Kevin is a body double of World Darts Star Mark ‘flash’ Dudbridge:

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Name:
Keith Walls

Nickname:
In a long career the self-named “mayor of flair” has been known as “Wonder”, “Wallis”, “The Duke Of Fluke” , “On Drugs Clearance” , “Ice Cream Man”, “Sausages” etc.

Age:
35

Weight:
So low that his weight actually doubles if he is walking in the rain wearing a wool jumper.

Job:
Chief creative contributor of Rackspack.blogspot.com; Chairman of the pointless flair shot of the week adjudication committee; Moral compass of Kevin Southam (God help him).

Fav food:
Gerbil. Deep fried preferably.

Fav drink:
The black stuff.

Fav woman:
Partner Hannah & daughter Leah.

Fav Shot:
The pointless drag shot. Feared many times, miscued many more.

Fav music:
Anything and everything you have never heard of.

He says:
Far too much for his own good when hes had too many Guinness.

They say:
If only they could get a word in edgeways…

K&K say:
What can one say about Keith? Take a dose of flair, a pinch of charisma, a dash of gay abandon and a large portion of bombay duck (luck) and you have the ingredients of a legend in Thames Valley pool.

Where you might find him:
On the terraces at Croke Park cheering on the Irish Football team

Where you wont find him:
On the terraces at the next world cup cheering on the Ireland football team

One more thing:
A big Liverpool fan, Keith’s favourite players are Luis Garcia and Dirk Kuyt.

Where you should find him:
At a Just For Men convention

Special Match Report - Home versus Farmers Rats, Away versus Golden Cross, Home versus The Rose

2008-10-07T11:00:00.013+01:00

Match Report Special - Bye Bye Baby

Oh dear.

After cruising through the early stages of the season with surprisingly few alarms, and in what will be the first of two grammar lessons this week (mixed metaphor anyone?), the house of cards came home to roost this week. It all started with me getting beaten. Not just beaten, but stuffed. Not just beaten and stuffed, but beaten and stuffed twice in one night. It ended the following week with us having to forfeit our game with the Golden Cross after not one of us had the brains to read the fixture list properly - we thought we had a bye.

So as slugger’s favourite singer Julie Andrews would say, let’s start at the very beginning – a very good place to start.

Match Report – Home versus Farmers Rats

The mists of time are parting, and it’s a warm autumnal evening at our match with the Farmers Boy. I had returned fresh from behind the Iron Curtain eager to impress a non-interested public.

With the halfway averages just published by The Slugger I was boasting an impressive unbeaten record – surely it was a case of just who was going to be ‘the Wonders’ next victim?

My opponents of late had been chewed up and spat out in a blur of 8 ball finishes, and the next lamb to the slaughter was Graham Webb.

Shaking like an 8 stone man in the shower room of a maximum security prison, as he prepared to break off he must have been fearing the worst. From the break he sunk a couple of balls – surely out of desperation to avoid the whitewash. When my visit came I approached the table knowing that it was a matter of laying the snooker and waiting for the two shots. I rolled up behind the yellow perfectly and strode confidently away. Bradley Bear was refereeing. I looked at him with a knowing “Ohh yeah - get that ‘W’ ready” and I was surprised to see a look on his face that was more “was that it?” then “oh yeah that’s it”.

“What the f… was that? You forgot to hit a cushion you twat!”

“Cushion?“

“Foul, two visits reds”

Yep - even after all the millions of frames I’ve played I forgot to hit a cushion and had just rolled up behind my ball in the middle of the table. What a bell-end.

Graham cleared up and I got done.

All that was left now was for the rest of the team to win every frame and nail my hide to the wall. The Bear took out Richard Meadows, Vic (in his farewell performance before going to the University Of Tax Dodging) defeated Albie Blackman, JY beat Mark Hedges, and the Coach put away Rich Hurley – who, disappointingly, had left the tight shorts at home. The Coach ending the four game losing streak he had racked up in stunning fashion.

Even ‘Magic’ got his act together and won! Could it be that the pain of my loss and the potential for ritual humiliation had somehow galvanised the team into a 11-Wonder victory?

The Coach made a classic move in the second half. Rather than drop me like a Racks Sandwich he opted to put me on last instead. Would I bounce back, like the aforementioned dropped racks sandwich, or would I suffer the ultimate in ‘double doughnut’ embarrassment with a second loss?

All looked to be going to plan as The Slugger started stroking balls on his way to a neat finish…but my new bestest friend blew it in the 7th frame. Having his single red over the corner and surrounded by yellows proved to be a problem as slugger tried a delicate little screw and snookered himself on the black. Graham “the Spider” Webb drew inspiration from wiping me out in the first half and found “the skills that pay the bills” to record a double on the night. The disappointment of the team was equally matched by my joy at having dodged the first bullet. 6-2

The Bear, Coach, Magic and JY didn’t let Kev’s loss affect them as they all won (9-2) and it was left to me to try and avoid the ‘Double O’ with a last frame match-up Albie.

I was faced with a horrible dilemma with two reds left. The finish was there but so was the up and down treble to use my one open red to pot the other one over the bag. Do I play it safe and go for the win or do I at least try and claw back some dignity by clinching Pointless Flair Shot of the Week? Needless to say I went for the PFS and got it, but it was at a cost. Left with no shot on my final red I had to launch it round the table. With the rest of Racks Packs support ringing in his ears Albie stuck it to me. 9-3 and it was a case of “clear the runway, the bagels have landed” for the now badly named “Wonder” Walls.

After that bombshell I needed something to try and cover up the shame. I needed some sort of equally tragic circumstance so the Racks boys focus could be deflected elsewhere and take the heat of me… and then it happened….

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Interleague

The following Sunday was the Interleague competition in Chiswick. Replace the words “piss-up” for the word “competition” and you know all you need to know about Interleague.

T o summarise, our Maidenhead team managed to lose twice to both Bracknell A and B by the same score line. Neil was “more tragic than magic” in losing four from four. The usual fights broke out, only this time were from unlikely sources (well, one was anyway) and once again Mrs. Coach went way beyond the call of marital duty and picked us all up at 8PM and drove us home. Frank Callaghan was there and asked Coach whose break was it as he thought their match was still going and it was 4-4 from last month.

Steve Ring won the best averages on the day, and in a ‘you had to be there’ moment, Coach Shiel tried to present the trophy to Leigh Morshead. Will this gag ever end? I doubt it. Robert "Johnny Dream-Draw" Uzzell produced another miracle by managing to draw his star-studded dream-team against the women first - very handy when that very same dream-team has only eight players at the time, and would have forfeited frames against anyone else.

As if to prove that his recent wins against the Farmers were a fluke, Coach got beat by a woman, and finally James Harness arrived having somehow survived being a Hull fan in the Arsenal end the day after Hull beat them 2-1.

A good time was had by all, and apologies to all female pool players out there.

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Match Report – bye/away versus Golden Cross

As far as we were all aware Monday night was a bye so we had all got stuck into the beers on Sunday. I appeared in Racks on the Monday at 6:30 for a spot of practice and a cup of tea.

After 15 minutes of chatting up everyone’s favourite comely bar-wench (the be-vested Amy) she asked where everyone else was. Bless her I thought, it must be hard keeping track with all the byes that we’ve had this season, so I explained to her that we didn’t have a game. In the kind of killer counter manoeuvre you’d expect in Spasky/Fisher chess match she promptly whipped them out – the fixtures that is – and pointed out that we were in fact supposed to be away to that haven of ravin’ – the Golden Cross! Doh!

It was a smack in the face, which is no bad simile considering our opponents, but by now it was after 7pm and far too late get the boys together. Everyone else had either arranged to work or wasn’t around and I couldn’t drag any of the racks regulars to Twyford to make up a team so we had to bin it. A schoolboy error, but perhaps The Likely Lads could do us a favour and beat the Thatched Cottage? No! In an unlikely twist they couldn’t get a side together either, and forfeited their game.

So our bye game turned into a disastrous night for all at Rackspack towers, as we lost 12-0 and the Thatched Won 12-0.

The 24 frame swing in one night has probably left us in an impossible position as far as winning the section is concerned, but thankfully we are definitely through to the knock out stages with the Likely Lads forfeit. We’ve an outside chance of winning the division but the permutations are more difficult to comprehend than slugger’s formula for working out the averages. Basically we need to thump The Likely Lads AND The Thatched Cottage AND hope that the Farmers Rats can take a few frames of the Thatched boys next week. It’s a slim chance.

Here in Rackspack towers we’re not ones for petty recrimination or for playing the blame game. However surely Coach Shiel is the Captain and it’s all his fault. As you will all remember I was ousted in a bloodless coup in the run-up to the season opener, and as such that puts me in a position to give some credible insight (not that lacking any kind of credibility ever stopped me from giving insight but there you go). I don’t remember ever getting the fixtures wrong. Granted, it was a rarity that I got a full side out, and it was rarer still that I exhibited any of the kind of qualities one traditionally expects of a captain, but rudder-less and most probably a man or two down, at least we knew where we were.

The texts rained in on Tuesday

Lee – “ I bloody told John yesterday we had the golden cross”

Brad – “What a load of monkey boys you lot are. You told me we had no game !”

Coach – “err I’m sorry yeah! Its my fault I think.”

Keith – “Don’t worry it will help cover up for my two losses last week – cheers !”

Kevin – “The king is dead, long live the king”.

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Match Report – bye/home versus The Rose

Having checked the fixtures, then checked them again, then asked Amy to produce them so I could check them, then asked Amy to put them away and get the fixtures out so I could check them, then checked with every member of the team, we knew there was no game this week.

You’ll remember that earlier in the season the Rose failed to turn out teams in two separate divisions and were ejected from the league. Well done to the committee for acting decisively.

So no game means no report this week, so we’ll get back in the mailbox later this week, and we’ll also publish the long awaited profiles of the founders members and contributors to Rackspack.blogspot.com, Mr Keith “Wonder” Walls and Mr Kevin “Slugger” Southam.

Keep it here and keep it real.

K&K.

Special Report - Yarmouth Seven-Man Team Qualifiers

2008-09-30T13:52:00.005+01:00

If You Want Great Yarmouth – Follow The Bear (or How I Tried To Buy Some Time Before Having To Write The Match Report Where I Lost Twice In One Night)

We have another bye this week readers so before we get to last weeks report (is that the match where you lost twice?) I thought I would thrill you all with a tale of whooping-ass and ass-whooping that is the final qualifiers for the Yarmouth Seven man team competition.

For those who don’t know, there is a UK-wide competition every year called “The Champion of Champions.” The only criteria for entry is that (1) you must have won or come second in the top league of your association or (2) you must play for Robert Uzzell. There are play offs between the best teams in the various regions, and the winners go to the finals at Great Yarmouth. The finals are supposed to determine the best ‘pub’ team in the UK.

In the last few years winning the league in Slough was enough to get you straight through to the finals in Yarmouth, but in recent years the competition has expanded, we (The Irish Club) found ourselves in a qualifier against The Twigg – the winners of the Bracknell and Ascot league.

The qualifying format is a race to eight frames. The first to win 8 frames goes through and if the match goes to 7-7 then there’s a tense one frame winner-takes-all decider.

Our team consisted of JY, myself, Coach, Bradley Bear, Terry “Triple T” Dingley, Pat “Phudger” Phelan and Steve Payne (the player not playing in the Maidenhead league).

The match was played at the Irish Club, and the atmosphere was fantastic - The Twigg brought around 15 supporters on top of their playing side. As a result every frame victory brought with it a series of high fives and cheering that resembled the Ryder Cup matches. From 3-1 down we wrestled our way to 4-3 up after Terry and JY played some outstanding stuff to help drag us back into it. Brad’s win preceded a sublime 8 ball finish from Steve to put us into a 6-4 lead as the match reached it’s denoument, but The Twigg battled back to 6-6. Coach then gave us all a heart attack when he turned a simple finish into a “Go your own way” special to give us a 7-6 advantage and it was on JY to try and clinch the match.

After knocking in an excellent long yellow down the rail, he let himself a thin snick on the black that he just over cut, and the Twiggs man cleared his last few balls to level the match at 7-7 and force the decider. The three candidates to play the deciding frame were Steve, Brad and myself. Steve said he didn’t fancy it, but Brad had one of his “I am not losing this even if I have to play left handed” looks – so the choice was simple.

The Twigg’s captain then made what I consider to be a critical error.

In a decider I always prefer putting in someone who is 100% reliable to play their frame, and that’s not necessarily the best player on the night. In this case they put in a guy who had won twice, but frankly had gone for and got clearances where I thought he had got the run of the balls. He had played brilliantly no doubt, but I wasn’t sure how he would cope with the pressure if he had to get into a safety exchange.

Part way through the frame Brad left him a teaser - a long red that needed a miracle to pot and free his last ball - and he fell for it. After potting the red he was left with no shot on his last ball and could only knock it out into the open. Brad played a snooker, got the two shots and potted the last four yellows before rolling in the black for the win.

Brad went berserk and we went berserk with him. He screamed out “GET IN THERE “as the black was still on its way to the hole and we all piled in on top of him when it dropped. An amazing match and wonderful result for us. Oddly enough everyone had played two and lost one over the first 14 frames so each player contributed something (so you didn’t lose both then Keith, that makes a change !). The Twigg players have to be commended for helping create a great atmosphere, playing some excellent pool and sportingly wishing us luck in the finals. It was good to see Rab Weir for the first time in a long while. ‘Wazza’ produced a top class eight-ball clearance under pressure in the second half and the guy who lost the decider really didn’t deserve that fate considering the two frames he had won.

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So now that’s over with, lets move on to the controversies. My first one - and this really bugged me - was watching ‘Lucky’ Birdy refereeing all their matches. A referee is one of those ‘seen and not heard’ jobs i.e. just stand back and let the play continue. What annoys me with lucky is that he practically tells his players what shot to play. If they have a few balls left he walks round the table and eyes up the pots, sometimes actually bending down to ‘sight’ balls.

Five times on Friday he ‘sighted’ a pot for his players.

When I say sighted I will give an example of what happened in Steve’s first match. The Twigg player has a few yellows left and one tied up on the black spot touching some reds. The yellow didn’t go and had to be freed somehow. Lucky walked around the table and looked at a yellow into the centre. He positioned himself where he thought the white should be so that you can pot it and cannon into the bunch. He even crouched down to stare at the angle on this yellow even though the white is somewhere else. He effectively told his own player where he should put the white so that he can clear the difficult ball out. I’ve no doubt that the player would have seen the shot anyway, but that’s not the point and it’s not in the spirit of the game.

Now onto controversy number two (coincidently the number of frames you lost last Monday!)

We at Rackspack towers like to believe that we are teachers as well as students of the game. Our reason for being is to try and pass on over 100 years of collective pool playing knowledge. We’ve seen it, done it and got the paperweight plastic trophy. Occasionally we get self indulgent and tell some stories and reminisce about old times. But last week we added a new ‘string’ to our bow – predicting the future. Does anyone remember this prognostication from last weeks blog:

“The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.”

The Lady Haig were runners-up in the Slough league, and they were drawn away to the Twiggs second team in one of the other qualifiers. The match was played the night before ours on the Thursday and the LH lost it 8-6. By all accounts it was a close encounter with plenty of winding up going on from both sides as the match went on.

To enter the CoC you must register all your players on the entry form, and the rule is that all of the players you register must have played 50% of your team’s league matches when you qualified for the CoC. The rule is designed to stop sides qualifying, and subsequently grabbing the best players from their area and sticking them together in a side. All sensible stuff really and it means that if you won a league and then moved teams you would still be able to go back to the old side and play in Yarmouth even though you were now playing elsewhere.

So it was a bit of a surprise when a certain Twigg player mentioned to Lee that he had only just signed up for the Twigg and this was his first season.

Yes, as forecast by us it was yet another Dave Bryant special, straight from the man who brought you “This is Steve Ring, I mean Leigh Morshead”. The man who is currently serving a ban from the Maidenhead league for playing ringers to try and win the premier. A phrase involving “leopard” and “spots” springs to mind.

I have no problem with Dave’s players as it’s not their responsibility - it’s their captain who is taking the risks. Most of their team - including Dave - came to the Irish on Friday to support the other Twigg side. We gave our customary welcome to Leigh Morshead of “Hi Steve” and Leigh took it in good humour as it’s all done with smiles and handshakes.

So a complaint is being filed and another tournament committee is going to have to sort out this guys mess yet again. Why does he do it? He runs loads of tournaments and competitions in Bracknell and Ascot and puts a lot of time and effort into the game, so surely he knows what a total pain in the arse it is sorting out other peoples mess?

To compound the ‘faux pas’ prior to the game you could log onto the Bracknell and Ascot website, click on the teams from last year and it shows you all the individual players and their averages. Of course the offending player’s name is nowhere to be seen. The player admitted he wasn’t part of the side and the website backs it up so there’s your evidence. The Haig has a watertight case by the looks of it.

Or do they ???

Go to the same website now, and click on the teams name and - in my best Keyser Soze impression “like that….’puff’ - he’s gone!“

Yep, unless I am looking in the wrong place or at the wrong thing the whole lot has vanished, no stats, no players lists nothing. Coincidence?

Why do I even bother to raise this issue? Basically because I can’t stand seeing cheating and corruption, I cant help it. I was on the Thames Valley committee for ten years and you get sick and tired of dealing with crap from players who should know better. Oh and don’t get me started on things like FIFA, UEFA, Cup draws or other branches of football and sporting governing bodies (oh god, please DO NOT get him started on this – ED). It’s one of the only things that truly winds me up (if only – ED)

I’m not claiming the moral high ground here as none of us are perfect, but I know the Lady Haig players well we would normally share caravans, sort out drivers to get there, etc. So with what’s happened can they book the time off work yet? Of course not and no doubt by the time it’s eventually sorted out some of them wont be given the time off at short notice and will miss out. Can we arrange cars and drivers to get there? No. How many caravans and chalets we need to book? No idea.

Of course the Champion of Champion organisers will have to make a decision, and until then the Lady Haig and Bracknell players will have no idea who is through. The Slough league committee need to be involved in my opinion, as the Lady Haig are their league representative in the tournament and they should be fighting their corner as well. Are you getting my point now?!? One silly move and suddenly 20 or 30 people are caught up in this screw up.

So watch this space and we will report on whatever the outcome is when we hear it. The finals are on the first weekend in November.

Now I can finally climb off my soapbox for another week.

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To try and end on a happier note, I will give you two bits of classic cheating, both from the Rackspack Towers archive and both from the same guy who I wont name. He played for one of the top teams in the Slough league a few years ago, and his name cropped up in a conversation I had with Peter Lofts a few weeks back. I was reminded of two stories about him. I was on the receiving end of the first one, but only heard of the second second-hand.

At the Irish Club, the guy in question has one red left over the right baulk corner. The black is on its spot with my yellow stuck to it so the black doesn’t go anywhere. There are no other balls left and the white is touching the black so the cueing is awkward. The bridge is quite tricky over the top of the black and yellow but he plays the white dead weight all the way up the table to tap in the last red over the top corner. As the white trickles up the table the ref watches it all the way…not seeing the fellow in question use the thumb of his bridge hand to quickly roll my yellow a centimetre to the left. When the red drops he walks round the table and suddenly the black now pots into opposite corner! I raised this with the ref and the player said “did you see it ref” , “err…no I didn’t” , “well then you cant call a foul then can you !”

On this occasion there was natural justice - He then went in off the black. What a tosser.

The second incident involved the same player in a competition. He broke and potted a red, and with his next shot rolled another one over a pocket. His opponent approached the table, and asked what colour he was on, so he told “reds”. The opponent then pots a red and the guy called a foul and two shots against him, claiming it was the opponents fault for not paying attention to the frame. The organisers are called and he denies saying anything and goes on to clear up knocking the other guy out.

Nice man, very nice man.

K&K

Dear Racks Pack...

2008-09-25T10:13:00.011+01:00

I know, I know - we have been too lazy, or too busy, or just caught up in other things. Either way the blog has suffered lately and we can only apologise.So what have we all been up to then? What excuses do we have for not putting some work in?

On Wednesday night I spent four hours up against Videsh in the final best-of-nine singles qualifier for Yarmouth. I think he is great but when he is in one of his match ‘trances’ you don’t need to call a clock on him, you need a calendar. With no Racks Pack match that week, I had warmed up for this winner-takes-all event by letting Coach Shiel beat me like a ginger step-child on the Monday night. Anyway, after eventually beating Videsh 5-4 I eventually got out of Racks and down to the train station to meet my train home with seconds to spare.

It’s a pain in the arse to have to cycle home from Slough to Langley, and on this occasion this was literally the case as I arrived at Slough station to find my saddle had been nicked. The journey home was long and painful having to stand up and ride, and I was in constant fear that I was the merest drunken memory-lapse away from a metal pole up the ace.

It was an eventful week for the rest of the pack. ‘Magic’ had spent 72 consecutive hours on the sofa watching the Ryder Cup, shattering his own personal record for laziness. Slugger has discovered there is an exciting world of food outside of McDonalds and it’s golden arches after his cookery course, and the ‘Bears’ love-life has taken another turn after discovering that – contrary to many of his favourite R-rated DVD’s – three-into-one doesn’t go.

The ‘coach’ is about to get his own engraved pint glass down at Smokey Joe’s now that his Platinum membership card has come through (you get one for 50 visits in a year). Vic is on the verge of becoming a fully fledged tax dodger as ‘freshers’ week approaches, and JY has slipped faultlessly back into his 9.45pm disappearing act. On the subject of things vanishing, no-one has seen Ben Kiely in three months.

In other ‘pool’ related news, the Dean Hardesty/Trevor ‘Buenos’ Dias management team is flourishing in the county C team, after a stunning comeback against Surrey last week. We can only imagine the scale of the shouting and yelling in that match. Even the ladies are performing well. However the “A” ream are not fairing so well - Brad’s frank assessment of them was “they are all sh*t apart from me and Loftsy. We were 8-0 down when I got my first frame…it hardly got the adrenaline flowing”.

The pool world championships hits SKY this week, commencing on 23^rd September with the men’s team event. A finely groomed Robert Uzzell could be seen managing the England team to victory. Looking increasingly like a youthful Bobby George the commentators changed his name to “England Manager Robert Oooozell”. Still some things never change - I bet he had his trainers on with the suit.

The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.

(* ‘nom de plume’ a fictitious name used by someone in place of their actual name; having a false name)

The Irish Club (me, Brad, Pat Phelan, Steve Payne, Terry, JY, and Coach) take on the other Bracknell side on Friday. This is great planning and captaincy from “Triple T” (Terry The Turncoat) because we have an excuse for going out Friday night afterwards. The sharp-eyed among you will have spotted the lack of ‘Andos’ Brant in the team list – and why? Because the pink oboe player is off to a snooker presentation instead and isn’t going to play. I can’t believe he is letting us down like that and hadn’t told me.

Claire ‘the dormouse’ Dormer from Racks finally put one over arch rival Anne Middleton to qualify for the ladies finals. I think it’s the first time she has managed to beat Anne, her victory no doubt all-the-sweeter for being 3-0 down at one point.

Over in Slough, the summer league coming to a gripping conclusion. With the knockout stages just around the corner, expect to see Kevin and I whoring ourselves out by joining a team at late notice to try and steal a medal out of it. They don’t call us ‘Mutleys’ for nothing (‘gimme gimme medal’).

So with all that going on we’ve not found the time in the last few weeks to spew out a few words for the blog. Thank goodness for the mailbag which was packed to the gills yet again, so it’s time for us to address the burning issues in the pool world. First up, a response to the excellent article we published a few weeks ago on how to use the rest:

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Dear Racks Pack,

Yous too are gunna get a rite smack in the feerce when eye get hold of ya. Yous made me sound like a feckin jordy when im from tha Boro’ ya conts!

JY (talented b@stad with a rest!)

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K&K – sincerest apologies John. In the spirit of right to reply, it’s true to say you are a talented bastard with a rest. In fact we wish you’d take a rest more often.

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Dear Racks Pack,

Is it true that hunky chunk of beef-cake Brad dropped two of his three women by email and text last week? If so can you pass my details onto him, as clearly one woman is not enough for him. I would offer myself to any of you but unfortunately I only date players who are top of the averages.

Hugs and Kisses

Tara Raboomsiyay

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K&K - Due to a banning order issued by Mr Robinson’s lawyers we’re unable to comment on his current relationship status. However if top of the averages is what you want, you may want to check those average tables.

RANKING	Player	Played	Won	Win %
1	Brad	6	6	100.0
1	Keith	7	7	100.0
1	Ben	2	2	100.0
4	Kevin	11	10	90.9
5	Vic	11	9	81.8
6	Lee	9	6	66.7
7	John Y	8	5	62.5
8	Neil	9	5	55.6
8	John S	9	5	55.6

So that’s the averages at the halfway stage, based purely on frames won. Brad is all your Tara…or is he? It’s a well known fact that you can’t be top of the averages based purely on playing and winning six frames. Also, you have to take into account the opposition – playing in fourth place every week you’re more likely to get pub drunk who’s been roped into playing because you’re opponents are a man down.

There are a number of competing calculations we could use to reveal the true ranking table, and they each have their merits. Here at Racks Pack towers, we choose to us the Southam/Walls exponential weighted method of calculation. It’s a bit complicated, and we would explain it to you, but it’s very long winded and frankly you’d need more computing power than Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair to work it out. For your viewing pleasure, here are the results of the calculation:

RANKING	Player	Win %	Attendance %	Total

1	Kevin	90.9	100.0	191
2	Vic	81.8	100.0	182
3	Lee	66.7	100.0	167
3	Keith	100.0	66.7	167
5	John S	55.6	100.0	156
5	Neil	55.6	100.0	156
7	Brad	100.0	50.0	150
8	John Y	62.5	83.3	146
9	Ben	100.0	16.7	117

Feel free to drop Mr Slugger a line any time to his personal email address flirtybigwidthtackle@hotmail.com.

In fact Tara’s email gives us an excellent opportunity to bring in the ‘Casanova of the green baize’ and let him make a contribution to the blog. As his attendance at matches is now better than mine we thought it was only fair to give him a forum to pass on some of his legendary knowledge of all things female. We sifted through the mail bag to seek those needing advice, and asked the big-man to lend us his ear. For all our lady admirers, we present a new section to Rackspack.blogspot.com – Dear Bradley…

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Dear Bradley…

I have a dilemma. I have been seeing a woman for sometime now and it’s been great, but a few weeks ago I was at a works do and met another younger girl. After a few drinks I found myself strangely attracted to her and one thing led to another blah blah blah – you know how it is. Now I have two women in my life and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep both of them happy. I’m trying to share my time between the two but its very tricky, what should I do?

Crispin Dry, Cookham

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The Bear writes:

I sympathise with your plight Crispin, and my answer is a simple one - get another one. Two’s company, three’s an adventure.

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Dear Bradley…

I was supposed to be playing in a football tournament with my mates which was held at a leading seaside resort. But I had promised to meet up with this women I met on holiday on the same weekend. I am considering driving 150 miles to the tournament, playing, then making an excuse that I have to get back for work and driving 300 miles to the other side of the country to catch up with her for a bit of jiggy jiggy D.T. action. Am I mad? Have you ever done something like this? What if my team mates find out?

Hedley Throbinson – Beaconsfield

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The Bear writes:

Can I plead the fifth? Next question please…

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Dear Bradley…

With all the modern wonders of technology, do you think breaking up using text messaging or emails rather than calling the person direct is proper etiquette.

Russell Hobbs – popping up somewhere.

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The Bear writes:

Excellent question, etiquette is my speciality. I see nothing wrong with dumping your squeeze via text. With most service providers offering 400 free texts every month it’s possible to almost constantly rotate your social life at minimal cost. A word of warning though, don’t take your phone out with you when you are out drinking with the gang or you might end up texting the wrong message to the wrong person. Leave the mobile at home before heading out for 3 litres of vodka and red bull.

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Dear Bradley…

You should have seen this munter I ended up with last week, she was huge. I went back to her place right, she strips off and reveals herself in a g-string that was so tight that when she bent over I thought she was gonna slice herself in two. When I was on the job it was like waving a straw at the channel tunnel.

When the deed was done she went to the bathroom and when I glanced up from the sheets the back end of her looked like two sea-lions trying to mate. She was so large, the only thing she fit was her own description.

Any chance you could wing-man for me sometime and help stop me making such bad choices?

Jeddie Parker – Chesham

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The Bear writes:

Jeddie, we’ve all been there – literally. She turned up at Yarmouth last time and went through the men of the site like a dose of the clap. No problem though, wherever there are women in need of love and affection that’s where you will find the caring, sharing Bear.

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K&K - Thanks very much there to the Bear for those words of wisdom. I’m sure we all can take something from that session.

Keep your browsers on rackspack.blogspot.com for the report on this weeks match versus Farmers Rats, including news of the most unexpected double-doughnut of the season so far…