Julie & Paige's Caribbean Midrine

Jumping

2009-07-27T21:26:00.003-05:00

Whew. Tonight is so tough. I don't really know why. There's no date on the calendar that means anything. There's no anything that is anything. But tonight I called our daughter to try to talk to her. First time in almost a week. I guess she wasn't feeling like talking and that's ok. It is what it is. Julie & Midrine just returned from a trip to the African/Caribbean Heritage Camp in Colorado. It was to have been our first "family vacation." Obviously it didn't happen that way. I had the best intentions of going but a couple of events made me change my mind. I hope for next year. But that's why the name of this blog has never changed and never will. We walked this walk together and Midrine is OUR daughter despite what the legalities and what society might say.....at least in my mind.

The last several months have been laden with so very many things for me. Loss, growth, change, friends, love, abandonment, wonderment, wondering, uncertainty, tears, laughter, change.....change. I want to be as honest as I can for my little one on this blog so I think it is important that she knows one of the reasons I have been so tired lately when I was with her. I was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after Julie left me. She actually went to the first doctor's appointment that would lead me to this with me. She left me less than a week later so she doesn't really know this as she never asked the outcome of the tests. Should she actually read this it would be her first knowledge of what went down. Two of my close friends know. I apologize to the rest of you if you have felt excluded but I truly a) didn't want to burden you and b) felt like if I was left by the person I loved the most there must be some sort of lesson in me experiencing this and growing from it on my own. Many on the couch shrink conversations ensued. Some days I felt powerless. Some days I felt manically powerful......and those are the ones that scared me the most.....because I knew in my heart that it was the universe that would make the ultimate decision. Not me, not ANY doctor or any completely loving friend......something bigger. I had one of my best of the best there with me for the first initial biopsy.....changing my bandages and making me laugh throughout my drug induced hallucinogenic rants about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (which in my mind remain delicious!!) I could not have walked this walk without her. The rest of you have been there without knowing it and I apologize if you feel betrayed by me not having told you yet I thank you with all of my heart. Again, it was something I felt I needed to do. After 12 weeks of radiation (some where I felt SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED and some where I experienced short term memory loss while they SWEAR that is not a known side effect) I am walking away from this with my head held high and with a clean bill of health as of last week. I am still a little sore and have a weird icky ouch on my upper stomach and a rib with a stress fracture but it didn't stop me from leaping from a perfectly good plane last weekend! I did this to defy death, to defy life, and to remind me that I alone drive this car motherfucker! So Midrine.....when someone tells you that your Mama Blanc isn't this or isn't that (and they will.....the same way they tell me) tell them "Yes....but she jumped out of a plane in perfect health.....and she yelled my name as she beat gravity if only for a few moments." I love you more than life, baby girl. And I will be here for a long, long time....yes and I feel fine.

Mmmmm

2009-07-15T10:26:00.000-05:00

I can still see her face as she covered it with pizza last night. I can still hear her AWESOME laugh which makes me smile as I type this. The Divine Miss M is one of the most amazing humans I have ever met and her Mama Blanc loves her THIIIIISSSSS much!

Ride Midrine Ride!

2009-06-29T13:58:00.003-05:00

I bought our daughter her first bicycle yesterday. Dora the Explorer, baby! It was amazing to have a "first" with her as I taught her how to ride. She was a little upset that I raised her training wheels so that she couldn't jet off and leave me in the dust! We had a great morning in the 100 degree heat as I walked with her up & down the street and around the block over and over. I felt so lucky to be alive and present in that moment.

First Night Together

2009-06-13T11:28:00.001-05:00

Last night I spent my first night with our daughter in almost a year. It was also our first night together since she has been home. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't turn the light in her room off until she spent a night with me. Here are some of my memories from last night:

Noodles with butter
No Balentino! (aka Valentino) No Molassses!
Balentino la!
Eat more!
You eat mama!
Midrine’s water & Mama Blanc water
Uh oh
MA??? Yes, baby? (repeat at least 100x)
I love you THIS much!
Too small?
Too big??
Hot?
More noodles!!
The Midrine Dance
Goldfish
More goldfish!
I love these blocks
Wocky (aka Rocky) tired?
Television
THAT laugh!
Leave the light on
Ou bath with Midrine, Ma
Mama Blanc Renmen Ou…..uh…uh….uh
If you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet
Sa dangereh!
Tan pou domi? Tan pou domi, Ma.
I kiss Balentino!!!! Yeah!!
I can do it.
Fini? Na fini.
Uncle Bobby home?
Be quiet Rose!
Chita Mama Blanc
Midrine’s savon
Ale dogs!
EAT!!
Kitchen
Ooooooooh
Brush, Ma!
Falling asleep next to the most beautiful child in the world & wanting to touch her eyelashes
Turning the bedroom light off…..for the first time.

Diane

2009-05-27T21:08:00.004-05:00

My birthmother died today. 2002. 7 years back. At the time I wasn't in a relationship and didn't really have anyone to lean on. It seems to be a pattern in my life. When a really BIG loss comes around I have no one to lean on but me and my shadow. My grandmother died 2 days prior but some years earlier. I drive to her grave and leave flowers every year. I really wanted to hear Midrine's little deep funny voice that night. Somehow it would have made the day better. I didn't spend that much time with Diane. I had the equivalent of an adoption PI look for her. She started the search around the holidays. I really never thought I would hear anything until after the new year. But alas just before Xmas I got the call. I can still tell you about the wall I slid down when I found out that my birthmother had been found. Long time ago. So we fast forward a few years to this day in 2002 and my birthmother aka Diane dies. She wasn't a good person by any stretch. I had an emergency root canal today and I cursed her name for being a fucking junkie and ruining my teeth for my entire life. The first time I met her she was drunk off her ass and as hard headed as you could imagine. She ended up swaggering back to my half-sister's (who I also just met that night) truck and passing out in the bed of it before our dinner even made it to the table. Impressive. I came to find out that she had murdered a former boyfriend and that her drug and criminal history was long and storied. However that night my half-sister Laura and I began to form a bond. How ironic that she had the same name as my Grandmother---my absolute favorite person ever to be on this earth. I always knew she was there, this sister of mine. It was something that my DNA just screamed at me my entire life. We were never the kind of people who would have just hooked up by chance....and yet we loved each other from moment one. I loved her laugh so much. It was big and loud and unapologetic. It was what I wished mine was. Laura would die just under a year before Diane did. To this date my biological father has no idea I exist. This brings me to tonight----a night where I have gone 3 nights without being able to say goodnight to my daughter. It makes me wonder how she will look at her birthmother and her birthfather and those who make up her circle of life. It is a night where I wonder how we ALL will fit into her world. What will I be called some years on? What will she dream of? Who will her friends be? What songs will she hum when no one else is listening? Who will she talk to on days like today? Admitedly death anniversaries hit me hard. This one has so little closure for me. I continue to work through that as part of my process of reforming. But truthfully on this night I miss Diane in some strange way----this person who I barely knew and really never liked that much......this person who bore me but could not raise me......this person who gave me a half-sister who I so readily bonded with. Will Midrine think of her birthmother this way? I feel like having been adopted hopefully I can relate to her on some different level than most. But tonight I just think of the losses we all suffer in our collective lives.....and how we are made different and yet oddly the same by them. Tonight I think of Diane and of Midrine's birthmother and send them love and respect for their decisions. Tonight I feel both of their wonderings and their aches......and I bless them both on their paths.

Remembers

2009-05-26T20:20:00.004-05:00

I read this entire blog today and I am so so so sad. And tonight is tough. Find a space inside there........cause I feel like I owe it to someone. No angel came.

Swing

2009-05-25T10:09:00.001-05:00

May 18

2009-05-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

I looked up at the calendar this morning as I was listening to the pounding and pulling sound of the roofer as he patched the hole in my roof. I realized that Julie left me 3 months ago today. I started thinking about the things I had done since then. The good things, the bad things, the nothings… She found out Midrine could come home and left that day as I was on my way to see a new shrink who specialized in adoption issues. I realized that I needed to put my own adoption issues to bed before Midrine came home. I have HUGE abandonment issues----my fear of being left is sometimes overwhelming. My fear of not being enough is always overwhelming. Ironic the timing, yes? I found out Midrine could come home when I called our orphanage director the next day to see if there were any updates on our case. I have always said that we are all where we are supposed to be and I cling to that thought. Sometimes clinging to it seems to cut my hands. In the past 3 months I have cried (a lot), written (not enough), slept (with a little help), worked (as much as possible), wondered (more than I should), missed my “old” life (constantly), missed my daughter (with aches in places I didn’t know I had), talked to lawyers (who charge some hella fees), seen a shrink (at least once a week), taken anti-depressants (every damn day all the while wondering why they haven’t yet invented a pill just to make you forget), became fully aware of how the law discriminates against gay couples (every moment of every day), & worked on letting go (whenever my heart would let me.) It has been a hard 3 months for everyone involved. I found out that I wouldn’t be eligible to do a second parent adoption for Midrine unless I lived with her for 6 months. I spent the night I found out in bed crying. I found a lawyer who believes he can work around that law but in the end Julie has to sign off on it. I don’t know that she will or she won’t but I am taking out a loan against my house to have the money to pay him if she ever thinks of that as a possibility. I know a lot of you have followed this blog and our story for a long time…..many of you since the beginning and I am sure this comes as somewhat of a surprise. My shrink says I need to work on honesty so here goes. I am not proud of everything I did in my relationship. There were moments of deceit and disrespect. There were never moments of unfaithfulness. In six and a half years there were also moments of great, great joy and love. I never loved anyone the way I loved Julie. I certainly will never love anyone the way I love our daughter. Some losses leave holes. Others feel as though they steal your soul and leave you in disbelief---wondering where it all went. But today is a good day to start opening my hands and to start letting go. Anger and hurt are spears in my heart and I have to pull them out in order to heal myself so I can take care of me. So I can be what I need to be for the single most beautiful little girl in the world. Don’t bother disagreeing with me. ;) 90 days separated from the worst day of my life I want to begin owning everything before and to come. I want to be the absolute best I can be for the little girl who I started writing this for in the first place. I’ve spent a lot of time with the song you are hearing now over the past week. It’s called Maybe California and it has become really special to me. Probably because there have been many times in the last 3 months that I have felt like jumping. Yet an angel has always stepped in and put their hand on my shoulder. And there are times when I have felt like nothing was making sense anymore. It’s a song about mothers…..mothers who find themselves in places they never thought they would be. Tori always seems to know what to say. And I have heard you too, Grannymomma.

So let’s be strong

You and me

The night is opening

Our angels are falling

And they will warm us

Some days are better than others

2009-05-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

.....but tonight I miss her so much it aches. I guess it is the realization that it has been almost a year since I have seen her fall asleep or wake up. If Julie & I had been in a "straight" relationship these things would not be an issue. Hard to fathom for those of you who are in one. Your rights are already afforded you. Yet tonight I journal again wondering what my little one wears as she drifts off to sleep and I know not where she lives. Your great grandmother watches over you and she has always been better at it than I. She told me that 3 times we would walk through fire. My feet are burning. I love you Midrine......a bushel and a peck......a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. Sun sun sun here it comes.

Mama Blanc

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:26:00.001-05:00

It's so odd........this Mother's Day. Bittersweet in ways you might know or imagine but with all of my heart I hope not. I feel like I have so much to say and yet I don't want to for fear of stealing any thunder away from Julie when she tells the take of her first Mother's Day. What I CAN tell you is that I saw Midrine this morning, I had Midrine yesterday, and I know in my heart of hearts that this wasn't the way the bigger picture took the snapshot. My heart tonight is a little empty but a lot greatful for the time I have been given with her and for the opportunity to see her on ALL of our first Mother's Days. I love you Midrine.

Now & always,
Mama Blanc

Tonight

2009-05-09T00:09:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was looking through old emails.....old emails about plans and sentiments and what is and what will never be. I am so sad and lonely. What I wouldn't give to grab the hands of time. What I wouldn't give..... I hope my daughter always knows how much I love her and have always loved her. I hope my daughter always knows me. Tomorrow we will spend the day together and all of this will be washed away for a few hours. But tonight.....

All Greek to me!

2009-04-30T11:48:00.000-05:00

What a joy it was to see Midrine after 10 days! She was all smiles and all HUNGRY! We went to Niko Niko's where I made my way through a little bit of Greek food and she made her way through a whole lotta chicken strips! According to her doctor's visit earlier this week she is low on iron so meat is a must for her right now. She wasn't particularly interested in the lamb but she gave it a shot. After dinner we took a drive and she sang Sun sun sun here it comes to me over and over again. She also did our rap Mama Blanc renmen ou, Mama Blanc renmen ou, Mama Blanc renmen ou....UH UH UH! Singing with her is sheer joy. She pointed out motorcyles and bicycles, learned what a fan was and a light was, told me that I was not, in fact "coo-coo," told several people "Catch ya later" and told me "I love you." Her laugh is still running through my head. Her smile carries me through today as I get ready for a looooong work night ahead. 90 minutes of pure bliss. I can't wait until my next opportunity.

Midrine took several pictures with my phone camera. Here is an example of what the evening looked like to me and what it looked like to her.

Cheers!
Paige

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Work

2009-04-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning I was kinda bumming out. I had an almost double shift in front of me. The A/C at the house had been out for 4 days. I was supposed to be taking my daughter to her first concert the night before and that didn’t happen. The best part of my day was going to be hopping in the car and cranking up some COLD air….and getting to work and enjoying some COLD air. So I get up, feed the menagerie, shake the cobwebs out of my head and get ready for work. Blah. That about summed it up for me. Insert keys…start car…..crank air….crank stereo….drive. I negotiated all of the cars parked on the street in front of the church around the corner and headed towards the same railroad tracks that I cross most every morning. On Sunday morning there was a big lump of….I don’t know…..something on the tracks. I slow the car down not wanting to take out a tire or something. I get closer and feel a huge smile crawling across my face. I stopped the car and turned on my hazard lights. I looked over my shoulder at the empty car seat in my back seat and at “Miss Ceily” (Midrine’s doll whose hair she….readjusted last weekend.) A billion memories blasted through my mind as I knew that somehow a baton was being handed off to me. I got out of the car and approached my new friend. “Hey big fella,” I said to the turtle who was almost a foot long from stem to stern. “You are probably unaware of how dangerous of a spot this is for you. Let me help ya out!” I picked up the turtle, moved him off of the tracks still heading to wherever he was going. About 4 cars were behind me surely thinking I had lost my nut. The backstory is that on trips back and forth to my grandparent’s house I would make my parents stop to move turtles out of the road…..relentlessly. My father would moan and cuss under his breath because my Dad HATED to stop on a trip. But he did it. He did it for me. Many a turtle was transported to safety on Hwy 105 in the late 60’s through the mid 70’s. If you asked my Dad, each stop added 15 minutes on to our travel time. I laugh about that to this day. On Sunday it was my turn to be someone’s angel overseer. But in the end my Dad probably had the last laugh. He never told me and I certainly never realized how really, really bad a wet turtle smelled. I drove all the way to work with my hands smelling like a cross between shit and rancid mud. So Dad, this post is for you….a testament to your patience with me as a kid who, for whatever reason, felt it was important to save turtles in the middle of the highway. And Midrine this post of course is for you as always. May we save many turtles together. Isn’t it a lovely ride? Sliding down. Gliding down. Try not to try to hard. It’s just a lovely ride.

Magical Sunday

2009-04-22T15:25:00.002-05:00

I got to spend my first afternoon by myself with Midrine this past weekend. She is totally amazing....beautiful in every regard. We had breakfast at Denny's where french fries and condiments were MUCH more interesting than pancakes (although licking bacon seemed to be strangely appealing.) From there it was off to meet some of my close friends who have been relentlessly supportive of our adoption for the entire process and without whom I wouldn't have remained standing for the past couple of months. They gave new dolls, hugs, MUCH attention and Midrine proceeded to unassemble a toilet paper roller, talk to dogs through the windows and pick a couple of flowers. From there it was off to Gospel Brunch at House of Blues to meet some of the crew there. She tore through the beans and rice and was completely mesmerized by the live music. Watching her get that glassy-eyed look as she listened to live music naturally resonated with me. The host of the show, Miss Paulette, absolutely fell in love with her. After this it was off to the park where she tried out EVERY swing there, crawled up the slide backwards at least 30 times, loved bouncing on the bridge and scared the living shit out of my friend Lori & I as she scaled the spider web looking contraption that we were both too chicken to climb. It was, as I said, a magical Sunday. She stole lots of hearts the she already lived in and made friends that she didn't realize she already had. But my favorite part of the day and the memory I hold closest to my heart is teaching her a Beatles song. So this is for you, my little sun. Here it comes. I love you.

Until our next time together,
Mama Blanc

The Artist's Palette

2009-04-22T15:03:00.001-05:00

Midrine made this work of art the first day she saw her bedroom. As all creative forces tend to do, she scattered her chalk all over the place as she fine tuned her creation.

Mama Blanc Renmen Ou

2009-04-17T11:36:00.001-05:00

Cover Ups

2009-04-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

Ink before and after dinner with Midrine.

Wish I may--wish I might

2009-04-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am wishing I could share more pictures and stories with you from Midrine's new life. Unfortunately I have very few of either. I see her once a week right now with the hope of being able to see her more at some point in the future. I bought her another fish for her aquarium tonight, made her an Easter basket this weekend, and unmade & washed her sheets just for sport last Friday even though she has never seen nor slept in them. I have never turned the light off in her room. Never. The dogs aren't allowed in (much to their chagrin) and we wait for the day when she can see her room and the 23 pictures that hang on the wall above her bed-----pictures of her orphanage family, pictures of she and I, pictures of she & Julie & I, pictures of her life up until. Midrine, you are the sunlight in my growing. I wait.

With all of my love,
Mama Blanc

2009-04-12T20:35:00.002-05:00

My heart breaks today having missed our daughter's first holiday. I have a basket in her bedroom. Fake eggs, real candy...dimes in one egg.....all of the stuff I fell asleep on the window sill waiting for as a child. When I talked to Midrine today she sang to me----a song only vaguely familiar. But as I sit here eating popcorn for dinner watching reruns on the DVR my heart knows that there is no place I would rather be than with Midirine.......hunting eggs......and laughing about it as it kept us out of reach.

Here's to the easter bunny in whatever form you see him/her/it. And here's to believing in what we "shouldn't" believe in.

Happy Easter to you & yours!
Paige

Love

2009-04-03T20:59:00.000-05:00

I count the days until next time

V Regret

2009-03-25T15:26:00.000-05:00

Midrine,

I found out last night that it is almost certain that I will not be able to do a second parent adoption for you. You need to know that I would positively sell my soul to change this......would do anything in the world. I love you so much, my little light, and learning this has all but killed me inside. What it is important for you to know on this day and on all days to come is how very, very much I love you. I have always wanted to be your Mama Blanc---from the first moment I saw you there in Julie's arms sitting on the floor in the cool room in the orphanage on that hot summer day in 2006. I fell in love with you right then and there in a way I had never really felt love before. Know that I have tried and am continuing to try. Know that I never gave up on you and will fight this as far and as long as I can fight this thing. Whatever it takes. No just means find another way. Today I cannot but tomorrow.... As my grandmother used to tell me: I love you a bushel & a peck, a bushel & a peck and a hug around the neck. And I do.

Always,
Mama Blanc

Not While I'm Around

2009-03-04T22:09:00.001-06:00

My grandmother, whose name you deserve for your strength and spirit, used to sing me this song when I was too old to have it sung to me. Yet I always believed it.....and do to this day....because she did. I feel her next to me on this night just as I feel you next to me. One day you will know the times we walked through fire----together and apart. This is what I wanted to sing to you tonight. Rain check? I love you more than life.

Mama Blanc

Nothing's gonna harm you
Not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you
No sir--not while I'm around
Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays
I'll send them howling
I don't care
I've got ways

No one's gonna hurt you
No one's gonna dare
Others can desert you
Not to worry--whistle I'll be there
Demons will charm you with a smile
For a while
But in time
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around

Being close and being clever ain't like being true
I don't need to
I would never
Hide a thing from you
Like some

No one's gonna hurt you
No one's gonna dare
Others can desert you
not to worry--whistle I'll be there
Demons will charm you for a while
With a smile
But in time
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around

2009-03-03T20:40:00.002-06:00

2009-03-02T22:39:00.000-06:00

Our daughter came home today. Seeing her walk down the ramp to me at the airport as I knelt down and prayed to any and everything...cried tears I couldn't stop.....gave thanks for any and everything.....and her safe arrival.... It made me bigger inside. I am humbled by her heart and all of our hearts. I am grateful for this day.

January Granny Bin Report

2009-01-15T21:01:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox postcard