Idea-book

ASK HAWKINS B.A.

2008-06-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Gift Wrap-up

2007-12-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

Wrap-up

So now, after weeks of my in-depth coverage, you should all be more than prepared for the gift giving season. But just in case (and really it seems incredibly unlikely) that I failed to cover someone on your list, here's a few more tips:

1. Gift cards - If you still can't come up with something to buy for someone, get them a gift card. The best choice is a card to your favorite restaurant, especially if they don't like your favorite restaurant all that much (feign ignorance of this fact.) In all likelyhood they'll take you out to dinner with it. If it's for your significant other, movie theatre gift cards also work.

2. Charitable cards - These are similar to, but much cheaper than, the Christmas cards which read "A donation to [insert charitable organization here] has been made in your name." You really could do anything from "An old woman has been walked across the street in your name" to "40 hours of community service as a required part of my sentencing will be completed in your name."

3. Regifting - Superior to nongifting and ungifting, and just as cheap. This is a great option, especially for last minute gift giving.

Which leads us into:

The Idea-book Holiday Gift Getting Guide

If you're giving gifts you're bound to get a few too. Here's a few tips:

1. Display excitement no matter how terrible the gift.

2. If there's no gift receipt, be sure to say something along the lines of "Wow! Where did you ever find this great gift?" to make it easier to return later.

3. If you are unable to return the gift, be sure to label it with the giver's name, so as to avoid the embarrassment of regifting it to them later.

4. If it's a knick knack or plaque of some sort, they're probably going to expect to see it when they visit. Unfortunately you can't regift or return this sort of gift. Instead, make a crappy-gift organizing box with different compartments for each giver, so that the knick knacks can easily be distributed around the house when they visit.

Check back January 2008 for the News on the Fly Year In Review.

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Gifts for the Young Girl

2007-12-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

So many things to buy and time's a running out. Here's great last minute gift ideas for the young girl on your list

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person a Zoo Ponies just don't cut it anymore. Go for an entire menagerie of animals: Buy a zoo. Estimated price: $100 million
	I'm broke Whorz doll Bratz is so last year. Make sure the young girl on your list has the latest in hip dolls. Estimated price: $19.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Treasure Pony Map Little girls always want ponies. Hand draw a map leading to a mythical treasure pony, and then spend all day searching for it.Estimated price: free

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Gifts for the Tweenager Girl

2007-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

Keep her happy or she'll get pregnant.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person iPhone OMG! Who loves to gab and check the weather simultaneously more than a female tweenager? Like, no one.* Estimated price: $399
	I'm broke eyePhone Mobile phone and goofy glasses all in one. Perfect for the tweenager with a sense of humor. Estimated price: $24.99 with mail-in rebate
	No, Really, I'm broke Box from Best Buy I wouldn't have thought the whole "getting a box as a gift" thing would work for this age group, but according to the Best Buy commercial I saw tweenager girls go nuts for it. Get a box for free from Best Buy. You may have to buy something for yourself to get it, but you can always return that if you need to pay the water bill.Estimated price: free

* Except perhaps Al Roker fans.

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Gifts for the Boss

2007-12-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

Who's the boss? (S)he's the Boss! Give a gift and you might keep your job.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Tickets to Cats Wow! What a musical! Who wouldn't die to see Cats? Delight your boss with primo seats and maybe (s)he'll bring you along! Estimated price: $300
	I'm broke Manage Better: Page-a-day Calendar Remind your boss that nobody's perfect, and that (s)he could pick up his game a bit. Reminders come daily! Estimated price: $12.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Slack off less Do actual work around the office. No more slacking. The boss might even notice it and reward you monetarily for it. For instance, instead of writing a blog at work, write a report. Estimated price: decreased "me" time

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Gifts for the Presidential Candidate

2007-12-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

It's the candidate's last christmas before the elections. Make it count!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Move to Florida Everyone knows that presidential elections all come down to votes in Florida, so the absolute best thing you can do is to move there and vote. Estimated price: $1000 and up
	I'm broke Crazy Hair Powder Although Lincoln wore it famously, beards are typically campaign killers for candidates. Thus, this crazy hair growing powder will be the perfect thing for your favorite candidate to sneak into his or her opponent's water at the debate. Works particularly well to discredit Hillary. Estimated price: $14.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Flag Pin Make this attractive safety pin flag adornment, because we know a candidate is not electable without it. The handmade nature of it will also show that your favorite candidate is in touch with the common American. Estimated price: $2.00 in supplies

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Gifts for the Neighbor's Dog

2007-12-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

Don't forget your four(in most cases)-legged friends!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this "person" Real Human Skull Upgrade your favorite neighborhood pooch's chew toy up to the real thing. It's also sure to freak out the rest of the neighborhood, an added bonus. Prices range from $300-$400 dollars online for the premium died in China ones. Estimated price: $349.99
	I'm broke Inflatable Haunted House Grab one of these on super Halloween markdown clearance, and your neighbor's dog will be living like a king. These should be real cheap by now, and who knows, you might find it marked down to a dollar. Optional: spray paint it to disguise the fact that you shopped in the clearance bin. Estimated price: $20.00 or less
	No, Really, I'm broke Dog Sweater Either knit it yourself (which is unnecessarily time-consuming) or shrink one of yours. If you dislike the dog, and it's a male, make sure the sweater is extra girly like the one pictured here. Estimated price: close to free

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Gifts for the Babysitter

2007-11-30T18:41:00.000-08:00

Keep the sitter happy. She's earned it:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Spy Camera Teddy Bear Get a cute teddy bear for the sitter, and keep an eye on her at the same time to make sure she's not whipping the kids or eating too much from the fridge. Just be sure not to name it Mohammed if she's Muslim. Estimated price: $399.99
	I'm broke Savings Bond What sitter wouldn't love the 14 year anticipation of waiting for a savings bond to mature? This may seem expensive for someone who's broke, but if you can't afford to spy on the babysitter, at least keep her happy with cash so she doesn't beat your kids. Estimated price: $25.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Babysitter's Club Play Performance Go to a bookstore and read The Babysitter's Club #1, taking notes as you do. Now go home, write a short one act play based on the plot, and perform it for your babysitter. You can even invite her to take one of the roles, or do them all yourself. Estimated price: Free

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Gifts for Mom

2007-11-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

Mom gave you life, you give her gifts:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Imported Egyptian Brushed Terry Cloth Robe Select only the finest hand-brushed terry cloth for the robe for mom, and she will lounge more stylishly than a piano crooner. Upgrade with a personalized 24k gold embossed monogram with yours and hers initials encased in a heart. Estimated price: $99.99
	I'm broke Poly Cotton Blend Robe Cut the tag from a cheap polyblend robe, sew in one from an expensive brushed terry robe, and Mom will never know the difference. Estimated price: $14.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Used Baby Journal Buy a used baby journal online, and fill it out to reflect what you think your first year was like. Or if you get lucky and it's already filled out, simply swap out the baby's name for your own. A creative gift that no mom is sure to expect! Estimated price: $2.50

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Gifts for the Small Boy

2007-11-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

With so many toys and amusements for the young people out there, it can be hard to narrow it down. We narrow it down for you:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Animatronic Pet from John Cox Why buy your kid a puppy or kitten that's just going to cost a lot of money in food and vet bills and then just die when you can have professional animatronic artist John Cox make just about any creature you can think of? Plus no need to have failed experiments in responsibility that end in you taking the dog for a walk and feeding it while junior plays video games. Estimated price: $80,000 and up
	I'm broke Aquadots I mentioned these earlier, but it bears repeating: This is the must-have toy for toddler boys. They're harder to find than Wii at this point, so grab it if you see it on the shelf. Estimated price: $19.95
	No, Really, I'm broke Cardboard Box "Ha ha! He's not even playing with the toy inside the box, he's playing with the box itself!" We've all heard that hilarious observation ...But what happens if there's a box inside the box? Which will he play with? Solve the mystery, and save some money. Estimated price: Free

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Gifts for the Retired Coal Miner

2007-11-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Retired coal miners can be hard to shop for. But not anymore!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Coal Mines of Hollywood This 12 Disc documentary set, 8 years in the making, chronicles the impact of coal mines in cinema. Guaranteed to be the perfect gift for the film buff/mine enthusiast, with scenes ranging from Short Round and Indy careening down the track on a mine cart in Temple of Doom to Marcel Marceau in Barbarella to the entire director's cut of How Green Was My Valley with three coal miner commentary tracks. Estimated price: $119.99
	I'm broke Mine Forever T Shirt This tshirt, available at a variety of online mine enthusiast merchants, expresses your feelings cheaply and with a pun. What could be better?* Estimated price: $15.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Lump of Coal Stand by the railroad tracks and grab this as it falls off the train whizzing past you. Cheap, nostalgic, and hilarious (Guess who's been naughty this year?), this gift's a winner for the cheapskates out there. Estimated price: Free

*See above

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Gifts for Dad

2007-11-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Dads are notoriously difficult to shop for. They wear suits, but who wants to buy a tie again? But dads also shave, and are not too fond of doing it.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Beardba Pro iRobot, the maker of the vacuuming robot Roomba, has this year come out with the perfect christmas gift: The Beardba Pro. Using similar technology from their previous devices, iRobot has created the must-have shaving accessory in Beardba Pro. The user simply programs the Beardba Pro to shave facial hair at a certain length, and Beardba takes care of the rest, constantly shaving the facial area thoughout the day to maintain the desired look. When it gets low on power, the Beardba can dock at the earpiece bluetooth port that can be positioned on either ear. Estimated price: $249.99
	I'm broke Barbershop Drive dad to the barbershop and get him a good old fashioned shave. Estimated price: $8.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Bic razor pack Put these on your mom's grocery list, and then yank them before they get to the medicine cabinet. Optional add-on: include a handwritten coupon offering to shave dad yourself.Estimated price: Free

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Questions and Concerns Continued

2007-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

It's another year of shopping, and with it comes new concerns. Here to answer those questions and concerns is our resident expert, Hawkins B.A.

Who do I shop for? Do I get something for everyone I know? I know a lot of people.

-Mertyl in Sarasota

There's a simple way of doing it. First, consider the likelihood of each person getting you a gift. If the likelihood is high (for instance, they've shown a pattern of getting you gifts in the past), then they go on your list. Everyone else that you may have forgotten about we will cover next week. Last year we saved so many potential disasters by reminding folks to get something for their pool boy. Expect the same thoroughness this year.

With the sub-prime mortgage crisis and high gas prices, economists are predicting that retail stores won't do so well this year. I don't have much money this year to spend, and I'm already in horrible credit card debt, but should I spend it anyway?
-Darlene in St. Paul

Remember that if we don't go shopping, the terrorists have won. Also, remember that running up credit card debt helps out two groups, the retailer and the credit card company, whereas not spending helps only you. And that's just selfish.

I've noticed that you're not covering what we're supposed to buy for people until next week, but you're also telling us we have to buy stuff on Friday. How are we to know what to buy?
-Herbert in Boise

Black Friday isn't about buying christmas gifts for specific people, it's about buying a whole bunch of stuff really cheap, and then seeing if any of it is worth keeping (Ideabook shopping tip: keep your receipts.) You also may be able to sell it on ebay to recoup the costs of shopping for the real gifts (a good strategy for those who fall into the "no, really, I'm broke" category. )

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Questions and Concerns

2007-11-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's another year of shopping, and with it comes new concerns. Here to answer those questions and concerns is our resident expert, Hawkins B.A.

I've heard that this year, what with all the recalls and all, that I shouldn't buy products that were manufactured in China. Is that true? Should I be worried?
-Sharon in Denver

Nonsense! There's never been a better year to buy from China. Here, I'll just give you one example: say you have a toddler nephew who is having trouble relating to his female classmates. Aquadots, which are made in China, are the perfect toy. In fact, nothing else will have the ladies moving their naptime mats to his faster!

I'm going out of town to visit family for Thanksgiving. Should I still try to go shopping on Black Friday?
-Mona in New York

No, don't bother. Let everyone else get the good deals... Of course you should go on Friday! We've been training for this! In fact, you shouldn't even be leaving town--you lose home field advantage, and will likely get disoriented shopping in a new town. But if you don't mind giving terrible gifts, go ahead and throw it all away. Say hi to grandma for me.

I've heard that there's been a bunch of leaks of Black Friday ads on the internet this year, and the deals aren't that good. Should I bother going still?
-Lizzie in Sacramento

Leaks are nothing new--Black Friday ads have been leaked since the first Thanksgiving (Beaver Pelts 1/2 off before 5 a.m.? Amazing.) What's new this year is that retailers are fighting back. They've flooded the internet with fake ads to counter the leaks. So, just as it was intended, you will have to wait until Thanksgiving morning to steal your neighbor's paper and find out where the deals are.

This year I'm not shopping for any gifts, but instead donating to charity the money I would've spent on people.
-Roberta in San Diego

That's not a question Satanist.

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Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2007

2007-11-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, and welcome back to another year of holiday gift giving.

First of all I'd like to thank God who created Al Gore, and Al Gore who created the internet, which makes this all possible, and without which you'd be reading a shoddily photocopied version of this guide distributed by a small army of street people. I'd also like to thank the wise men for inventing holiday gift giving, and Santa for taking it up a notch.

This guide's first week will be devoted to preparation for the most important day of the year, Black Friday (this Friday.) First note of preparation: Set your alarm clock for 4:30 tomorrow morning, and every morning this week. Every morning you must wake and dress immediately (no snooze buttons or showers!), drive to the mall by 4:45, and sit. You must, after all, be prepared! Preparation is key! It's the Girl Scouts motto! How do you think they sell so many of those damn cookies? They sit in front of retailers day after day!

The weeks after will follow a format familar to returning readers, and tell you exactly what you should get to delight everyone on your list, regardless of the size of your diamond encrusted moneyclip/wallet/spare-change-securing string. And check back every day this week of course to hone your shopping skills for the big day.

This guide is dedicated to the memory of Antonio. Evaporation is forever, but so are the memories*.

*Assuming I don't get Alzheimer's. Or die.

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If You Missed Last Year's...

2007-11-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

If you missed it, or just want to get a jump on buying gifts this year, here's last year's guide:

For the animal lover
For the father-in-law
For the lonely friend
For the stalker
For the wife
For the health nut
For the gamer
For the pool boy
For the neaderthal
For the grandma
Last minute shopping

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Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2007

2007-11-03T21:52:00.001-07:00

Too Busy To Blog

2007-08-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Friday is Coulrophotographic Disorder Awareness Day

2007-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

For more information, please read the News on the Fly article which first brought this tragic disorder to public attention: http://idea-book.blogspot.com/2007/05/news-on-fly-mans-affliction-is-kodak.html

News on the Fly: Adopted Babies Made in China Recalled

2007-08-14T17:06:00.001-07:00

Former Chinese Baby Factory
Chicago, Ill
M. Hawkins
August 14, 2007

Chinese baby importer BabiCo announced a huge recall of its adopted babies earlier today.

"We apologize to the families that this has affected," BabiCo CEO Champ Myers said in a statement. "All BabiCo babies shipped between March and June 2007 are being recalled due to unsafe practices that took place at our factory overseas. We have only just now been made aware of what was being perpetrated by our subcontrator."

The Chinese subcontracting company, AdopTotzCo, was found to have produced babies that would only consume caviar and other such related luxury foods.

"We realize what a financial burden this has been on the middle class families which comprise our core customer base," said Myers. "Plus, there's just not enough fish eggs in the sea."

Fifteen percent of American families that received the affected babies reported not noticing any difference.

Puzzle #25: Word Hide

2007-08-11T19:27:00.001-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phridays: Handicap Accessible?

2007-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Worst Handicap Accessible Entrance Ever.

General Ideas: Stripped

2007-08-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Next time you order a stripper-in-a-cake, choose pineapple upside down cake as the flavor.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Deathly Hallows

2007-08-02T15:04:00.001-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS, or submit it in the comments below. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

This week's question comes from Wendy in Tulsa, who writes:

Yeah, so I wrote you last week about how the Harry Potter 7 book ends, and then I read it, and the ending you gave was completely different. What's up with that? Also, why no posts last week?

I received an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that unfortunately was defective and had pages inadvertantly interspliced from the upcoming Thomas and the Very Disturbing Day Thomas & Friends book. I was a bit confused myself, what with Rowling suddenly calling Voldemort by his full first name, so many pictures of the Hogwarts Express, and the elder Weasley boy having such a prominent role, but I printed it anyway. I apologize for ruining the end to the wrong book.

Book 7 ends with both Harry and Voldemort being revealed as robots, and Harry defeating Voldemort by downloading a virus onto He Who Shall Not Be Typed's harddrive. Also, Hagrid and Hermione are both Deatheaters.

No posts last week due to unforeseen circumstances. It will happen again, but perhaps not soon.

--Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Self-Employed Man Fed Up

2007-08-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Man, 35, is self-employed
East Moline, Illinois
M. Hawkins
August 1, 2007

"I've been self-employed for 27 months now. But no more, " says Freidrich Montague, 35, who has been self-employed for over 2 years.

Montague had considered leaving his position for several months, but recent events around the workplace had prompted him to begin a more serious job search.

"I don't pay myself well enough for the work I do," said Montague, "I never have. Salary rates are something I decide on a corporate level, however, so there's not much I can do about that."

"But when I hired that Joe guy to manage myself above me, for a position that I was more than qualified for, that was the last straw. I realized I couldn't work for myself anymore."

Montague plans on pursuing a job in a field related to the one in which he previously worked, but for better pay.