SlagleLines®

7/17/06

2006-07-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

Actor Samuel L. Jackson has been tapped to do the voice of God in a new audio version of bible. That's just stupid. Everybody knows that God sounds like James Earl Jones.

According to a study: news becomes old on the Internet in 36 hours. Which is about 35 hours longer, than it takes before your average newspaper travels from the front door to the bottom of the bird cage.

'We heard from many people that the news is just too depressing,' Couric told Television Critics Association's Press Tour on Sunday. 'Now obviously we can't sugarcoat what's going on in the world, But there are cases where I believe we can be a little more solution-oriented'.
We can also focus on recipes and weight loss strategies!
The word is that Katie Couric has been spending long hours in front of the mirror practicing her serious faces.

CBS plans to print their logo on eggs sold at supermarkets. Because network executives feel, if a customer makes a three minute egg, they will be watching it longer than most people watch any show on CBS.

7/13/06

2006-07-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today, Jaques Chirac to call for a united approach to global warming at the G8 summit. One suggestion was to give lots of money to France. The French will be less affected by global warming since they are incapable of smelling sweat.

The Vatican condemned Israel for the attacks on Lebanon. The Pope was reminded of what he learned as a boy in Germany: Always blame the Jews.

Syria UN Ambassador told TIME: Hezbollah could attack Israel nuke sites, 'could have radiation spread all over region'. Israel reminded Syria that if they don't watch it, there's going to be radiation all over the region anyway

Police say gays accused of slurs in Provincetown Massachusetts. Apparently they called a tourist "tacky."

Coaches at ACE gymnastics used drywall screws to poke students who weren't showing perfect form. Gosh, did the fact that the school was named after a Hardware Store alert anybody? Like gymnasts haven't been tortured by coaches for years, they're raised like veal.

Superman star had a tantrum after make-up used in a promotional appearance made him look 'wimpy'. After the press conference the "Man of Steel" had a new darker foundation flown in for him. Maybe he should been cast as "Wonder Woman." Nobody can look tough in a satin cape and tights, get over it.
Actually Superman was unique among super heroes cause he never wore a mask. Apparently, people were always so fixated on the bulge in his briefs, that they never got a good look at his face.

7/12/06

2006-07-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

Scientists now have proof that rogue waves exist. Enormous waves have been recorded for the first time by satellites. Before this there was no hard evidence, scientists just chalked up the reports of hundred foot waves, to really stoned surfers.

The music industry announced a new crackdown today on people who download music for free from the Internet. They tried this once before. For the past ten years, record companies have been trying to avert on-line downloads, buy only releasing really crappy music

Congress is debating a law to stop on-line gambling. They're going to make it illegal for payoffs to be credited as returns on credit cards. As if payoffs, ever really happen.
It's not regulated,
"Duh, why does the dealer keep getting Black Jack every time I do?" Cause it's their computer fool.
Heck, you don't even know if their using a full deck. (I mean the people playing it.)

According to a computer profiling company, the distinctiveness of sombebody's walk could be used to identify criminals. Of course this is of nebulous benefit, since the most identifying feature of a guilty suspect is, they're usually running.

The Neilson Company has decided to start rating television commercials. That's how bad network television ratings have gotten, There's hope that perhaps at least somebody is watching the commercials.
They're going to find out that more people watch the commercials, than watch the Superbowl® game
They said if they learn that a lot of people aren't watching the ads, advertisers might focus their resources into Internet Pop up ads. Yeah, like people really look at THOSE. (delete delete delete).

A video today claims proof of fraud in the recent Mexico Election. Video of ballots being stuffed into a ballot box after the election. was over. Upon investigation, it was discovered , that it was really just footage from the Chicago primary.

Satellite photos have detect a flurry of activity at the North Korean missile bases. The Th Pentagon was relieved to learn. it was just dogs escaping from the mess hall

7/12/06

2006-07-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

A new law in Britain will make choosing baby's sex illegal. Prince Charles claims, that a baby's sex shouldn't be decided until he's ready to get married.

Washington DC declared a crime emergency. Crime in the city is reaching record levels. In fact it's gotten so bad, that today a congressman tried to bribe himself

Israeli President Moshe Katsav was accused of sexual harassment. Israeli comedians accused him of acting like Clinton. Kastav responded by bombing Lebanon, which is exactly what Clinton did after the story of Monica Lewinski broke.

The US Army announced an end to their contracts with Halliburton. Bloggers over at MoveOn.org are panicked, wondering who they'll blame the war on now.

French Soccer player Zidane May Lose his "Best Player" Award. But US television executives are congratulating him on making the World Cup more watchable than it has ever been in History.

A hidden camera showed mice on an airplane. Apparently they were sitting in coach complaining about leg cramps.

A judge today heard 11 hours of testimony in a case of a Virginia. teen fighting for the right to decide his own cancer treatment. Two words: Medical Marijuana

Iran military engineers were on hand for the N. Korea missile launch. I'm guessing they were there at reguest of Kim Jong Il, and were ready to behead scientists if this missile doesn't work.

6/14/06

2006-06-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Investigators announced that FEMA cards handed out to hurricane victims had been used on unapproved expenses like divorce lawyers, and a sex change operation. In one case a resident used FEMA money to buy a "Girls Gone Wild" video. Which seems a legitimate expense since the Hurricane severely impacted the amount of girls exposing themselves on Bourbon Street.

6/13/06

2006-06-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ecologists oppose Sting's Spanish concert which is to be held inside a Spanish National Forest, to raise awareness of forest destruction. Much like Barbara Streisand is going to raise awareness of Global Warming by traveling the country with a private jet, a couple tour busses and several semi-trucks, Sting has been raising awareness of forest destruction by holding "rock" concerts in National Forests. (No word on how many trees had to be chopped down to accommodate the stage). It's like people protesting excessive noise by speaking out.

6/12/06

2006-06-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Czechoslovakia kicked America's butt in Soccer, and nobody cares. Soccer, alongside Socialism and National Health Care is just another fad that is popular everywhere else but here.
Girls soccer has had a reverse effect on the sport here in America. Rather than bringing gender equality to sports, Soccer is now a "Girls Sport" in the eyes of many American boys. Some advocates will claim that it is a physically demanding sport, that takes a lot of talent and training. Yes, but so is ballet, and it's still something you don't want to see your son doing.
We should have a World Cup for American Football. Let's just see how those Euro-sissies do on the gridiron.

A New shark species was discovered off the South Carolina coast, called the Scalloped Hammerhead. Which sounds vaguely like a potato seafood dish.

Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald announced that Karl Rove will not be charged in the Valerie Plame case. Democrats are furious that they will have to scrap all their November campaign ads.

Today, tottering movie star Robert Redford, claimed that the Republicans lack substance. And just what "substance" is Robert Redford made of?
Let's see: he's another private jet liberal complaining about global warming; who talks about "conservation" but destroyed a mountain wilderness, named it after himself, then turned it into a Hollywood retreat; and he's a billionaire who complains that the "wealthy" aren't helping the underprivileged enough.
I can name that "substance" in four letters...

According to a CBS News Poll released today, the Zarqawi death has little impact. In fact, less people think the Zarqawi death is an important milestone, than watch the CBS evening news.

A group of leftist doctors lobbied Congress for a fat-tax on Coke and Pepsi. Remember how everyone laughed when the tobacco companies said that soda was next on the hit list. It won't be long before the EPA starts publishing data on the detrimental effects of Second-Hand Soda.

Ex President Bill Clinton linked Republican policies to the increased amount of hurricanes observed in recent years. He said he hasn't seen so many big blows since he left the White House.

6/9/06

2006-06-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

Reports revealed today, that bombed terrorist Al-Zarqawi pioneered the use of Internet as tool for terrorism. Apparently he had been blogging over at the DemocratUnderground with the screen name "iHateChimpy."

Some Democrats called the killing "a stunt." However, these are the same Democrats who claim the 2004 election was stolen. Some people just can't be good losers

Father of beheaded man Nick Berg still blames President Bush for his son's death. That's ridiculous. The President was too busy making hurricanes.

Al-Qaida vows to continue their holy war, despite the loss of Zarqawi Since the bombing, Al Qaida has been quite Holy. In fact, it has more holes than ever before.

The Pentagon announced that the $25M bounty on Zarqawi will be honored. Apparently Donald Rumsfeld and the prize patrol will knock on the door with a giant check.

Scientists announced today they have invented a robotic device that mimics human touch Now if they can just make a computer peripheral that can polish a flashlight, they'll become millionaires.

6/8/06

2006-06-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

Jordanian terrorist al-Zarqawi was killed when F-16's dropped two 500-pound bombs. The first 500 pound bomb was the Anna Nichole Smith show.

6/6/06

2006-06-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

Cost of gas is really forcing people to make some tough decisions. In fact, now many people in Arkansas have to decide between driving sober or parking drunk.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is planing on attending the World Cup. President Bush suggested that if he keeps talking tough to the US, he might get to go as a soccer ball

The Canadians had been rather apathetic aboot terrorism since 9/11. Apparently now they're pretty worked up since they learned that 17 terrorists were plotting to interrupt Hockey season.

College Republicans at Oklahoma University have been ridiculing Al Gore's movie with Global Warming Beach Parties. Quite appropriate, since Oklahoma, is where some environmentalists claim there is going to be beachfront property. What a surprise, College students finding an excuse to party, and cheese off their professors, who now tend to be aging hippies.
Democrats find it hard to believe college students could ignore the seriousness of climate change. In other news, from the department of "duh," Barry Manlow is furious that he never got a call from the rock and roll hall of fame.

The second dancer in the rapidly evaporating Duke rape case claims she felt unsafe. What a surprise, dancing naked in a frat house full of jocks and you feel unsafe. It's probably the same feeling you get when you're dancing in a lion cage dressed up like a T-Bone steak.

5/31/06

2006-05-31T04:58:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Taylor appeared on Larry King to prove to America that she was still alive. Because when sitting next to Larry King, King Tut would appear alive.

Today, Al Gore called the President a "Renegade Right-wing extremist." President Bush responded by declaring himself rubber, and the ex-vice president glue.

A Florida couple offered a cop, posing as a hit man, $100 to kill their Grandkids. Police were alerted when they noticed a bumper sticker on their RV that said: "Ask me about my son's little bastards who deserve to die!"
And where do you find a hit man for hundred bucks? That's cheap. They must have gotten the seniors' discount.

From core samples, geologists have learned that 55 million years ago, the Arctic was tropical. In fact archaeologists have discovered what appears to be an eskimo walrus-skin thong bikini.

5/26/06

2006-05-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay were found guilty, and might face life in prison. Well, at least there are two Enron employees that won't have to worry about their retirement.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger sat down with Mexican President Vincente Fox to discuss immigration issues. After three hours, their translators threw in the towel.

NYC Mayor Bloomberg suggested a DNA, fingerprint database to track all workers. Although civil libertarians protested, they were reminded that nine out of ten NYC residents have already been fingerprinted.

BBC is working on play about Hillary Clinton becoming President. The working title is: "My Fat Lady"

Condoleeza Rice surprised the public by announcing that she was American Idol winner Taylor Hicks' biggest fan. She especially wonders where he got the purple velvet jacket, and if it comes in a size 8.

After William Jefferson's Congressional Office was searched, congressional leaders protested. They were concerned the searches of Congressional offices might become routine. Here's a list of things Congresspersons would not want found in their offices:
-Stacks of Money
-Play Stations
-Comic Books
-Inflatables
-Dead Interns (Only Gary Condit)
-Amyl Nitrate
-Mexican Workers

5/25/06

2006-05-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

A late frost damaged grapes grown in Michigan, Ontario and New York. There is speculation of a severe impact on the Buffalo wine production. Wine connoisseurs were ecstatic

Meteorologists reported that New Orleans would be a "top target" for hurricanes in 2006. Is that news? New Orleans is right smack in the middle of hurricane alley. New Orleans forecasters are also predicting will a rash of girls lifting up their shirts, and heavy rains of vomit flooding the streets around Mardi Gras.

A leftist think tank claimed school bus exhaust has contributed to respiratory problems in kids. When I was young, the only people who had allergies were the nerdy kids that never got out of the house. That's why kids have allergies today, they spend all their time in germ free houses washed with antibacterial soap and freshened with an Ionic Breeze® air purifier. They're not doing kid thing like rolling on the grass and eating dirt. We spent winter mornings huddled around the exhaust of idling school busses just to keep warm. We're raising a generation of Jelly fish.

5/23/06

2006-05-23T04:48:00.000-07:00

Christopher Dodd announced his 2008 Presidential bid. His slogan will be, "Why not vote for somebody you've never heard of?"
This is in sharp contrast to the current Democrat slogan which is. "We suck, but not as bad as they do!"

E85 is a blend of 15% gasoline and 85% ethanol. They say it's got gasoline in it because it will make your car run better, but the truth is, if gas stations sold 100% ethanol. you could drink it.
Imagine, 200 proof vodka for only three bucks a gallon! There wouldn't be a sober college student left in America. Kind of puts gas prices in perspective now, doesn't it?
Hillary Clinton, originally an opponent, jumped on the bandwagon and decided to support Ethanol... as a marvelous way to stay married to a philandering redneck.

With the release of their new Album, Country music stars the Dixie Chicks are hoping to appeal to a more PBS audience. Half of the war protesters took courses in college where they were told to despise ANYONE who uses the term "Chicks." And Dixie refers to the South before the abolishment of slavery. Yeah, they're PBS material. Perhaps if they were backed up by a Peruvian pipe band, and Icelandic throat singers.
The Dixie Chicks were quite popular before Natalie Maines told a British audience that she was embarrassed to be from the same state as President Bush. Little did she know that Texas was embarrassed to be from the same state as Natalie Maines.
Talk about alienating your audience. Everybody knows that Country Music fans are almost unilaterally Bush supporters. There's as much chance of PBS listeners embracing the Dixie Chicks as there is of KD Lang getting pregnant.

A European Ferry boat had to return to it's home port after being hit by a 50 foot wave. One of the passengers commented: “We knew conditions were getting bad the night before when the magician had to cancel his act because his table kept sliding off the stage.” Apparently he wasn't a very good magician. (Although I'm certain that at least for a little while, everyone was amazed by the sliding table trick.) And you know, the magicians are always the last ones to quit. Even as the Musicians on the Titanic were packing up their instruments, and getting into life boats there were still a couple men in Tuxedos going, "Pick a card."

U.S. Sen. and Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen died. Lloyd Bensten was most remembered for his debate with Dan Quayle where he said, "You sir, are no Jack Kennedy." Which probably meant that Quayle couldn't pick up women

5/22/06

2006-05-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

Oprah Winfrey's fitness book is on track to set a record for non-fiction sales, even though there is speculation that a fitness book by Oprah would HAVE to be considered fiction.
Author James Frey has suggested that Oprah release her fitness book as a memoir

Sources revealed that the Democrat National Committee worked to defeat New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Apparently Howard Dean does not want the Democrats to be a Chocolate Party.

New drug technologies have made menstruation optional. A majority of men agree this could be the greatest pharmaceutical achievement since Viagra®

5/19/06

2006-05-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a Civil war re-enactment. It's a little twisted if you think about it. Here was the bloodiest war the US was ever involved in, and these guys make a game out of it.
Sure, everybody wants to fire the cannons and ride the horses. Not a lot of volunteers for the hospital reenactment. Jeb, you get your leg cut off, and Mathias, you're going to get yellow fever and gangrene.

The Senate is poised to create a national language. Americans were shocked to learn that it wasn't going to be Spanish.
Robert Byrd had to be told that there was no such language as "Mexican."
Don't see the problem, It seems that America is the only place left in the world, where people can't speak English.

The US House voted to keep the ban on offshore drilling . Turns out that building a new oil rig on the coast is going to have as much chance as a Martha's Vineyard windmill.

Driving home from a Baltimore baseball game, a couple was arrested after asking a cop for directions. Apparently the officer was alerted by the suspicious behavior of a man asking for directions.

Mike Wallace retired from 60 minutes, and used the opportunity to say things he never said before. Here's my list of things Mike Wallace never said:
-I think it's great that you built a corporation that employs 65,000 people.
-No I would not like another cocktail
-I sure love those Andy Rooney segments
-Stop the cameras, I think this guy's telling the truth!

NBC's David Gregory told President Bush that his approval ratings were almost as low as Nixon's. The President responded by telling David Gregory that his ratings are as low as the recently canceled "Commander and Chief."

Students in Beverly Hills were sent to see Al Gore's new movie about Global Warming. Wow, I didn't realize the film was so bad. You remember how awful the films in High School usually are. It must really stink if it's being used as PUNISHMENT.

Strange that Al Gore is so certain the debate is closed on Global Warming. This is the same guy who still thinks the result of the 2000 election is still open.

5/17/06

2006-05-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

The DiVinci Code premiered and people were shocked to see a bloated Tom Hanks. French crowds at Cannes were laughing at inappropriate moments. Apparently, they thought they were watching a Jerry Lewis movie.

Sir Paul McCartney filed for divorce from Heather Mills. He claimed it was his worst decision since Ringo.

Jodie Foster had some sharp words for President Bush. In response, the President has decided to pardon John Hinckley.

A teacher was fired for showing students some sexually inappropriate Internet sites. Then the Students responded by showing the teacher where to find the really good porn.

According to a study, only one in four 12- to 34-Year-Olds Can Name Broadcast Networks. And not a single one can guess what the M stands for in MTV.

Students are suing because they were suspended for skipping school to attend immigration rallies. They think that they should be excused from school if they are exercising their right to protest. Isn't every kid skipping school protesting? When I was in High School, I used to go outside to protest the school ban on smoking in class.