The Wet Spots work up a Blather

Making a Musical Shine! Part 1

2009-07-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

First off, apologies for the spam blog that went out from this account not long ago. We've taken steps to ensure this does not happen again.

These next several blogs are going to concern the process of creating a new original musical from the point of view of the writer / musical director. Over the past 16 months The Wet Spots have been writing a musical. We are mounting it this August 12-23 at the Waterfront Theater in Vancouver under the name SHINE - A Burlesque Musical.

SHINE is set in a crumbling downtown theater called The Aristocrat. The venue has been a vaudeville hall, a burlesque theater, a drag revue, and a punk rock / performance art space through its long, seedy history. It is currently on its last legs, and being run by Miss Shine Mionne - a hard-drinking diva whose legs are a bit wobbly too. In order to save her theater, Shine accepts help from a slick money man who thinks he can turn the place around... with a few minor adjustments.

We got the idea for this musical from five solid years of touring - playing a good cross-section of the world's variety, burlesque and cabaret stages big and small. Along the way, we seem to have joined an international family of migrant freak performers: BDSM aerialists, roller skating hula hooping Josephine Baker impersonaters, magician strippers, Swedish tennis pro contortionists, and a woman who queefs the Blue Danube Waltz whilst a midget dressed as Strauss conducts her.

We thought it would be a great laugh to set a full-book musical in a freaky cabaret theater, with actors in the lead roles and a rotating guest cast of these amazing, outlandish performers as some of the acts that this cabaret theater books. In 2008, we joined forces with the amazing Screaming Chicken Burlesque - a Vancouver troupe that fully embraces both the comedic and erotic elements of the form. We put an embryonic, semi-improvised version of the show up for Vancouver International Burlesque Fest. By the 2009 Fest in May, we had a fully scripted show with 10 original songs.

In June of this year, we made the decision to give the show a full run in a professional theater. The Screaming Chicken gang will be taking care of the choreography and providing most of the chorus dancers. Many of the lead roles are also being filled by performers from this troupe. These next few blogs will be updates on the journey we're all taking together - creating some semblance of an entertaining order from the chaos of fourteen performers and their busy lives.

Make no mistake - The Wet Spots are in this for the long haul. We're looking at mounting this at New York Musical Festival and New York Fringe and New York Burlesque Fest 2010. And there are already film adaptation and overseas stage production possibilities in the works. But for now, our sights are firmly set on that magic opening night of August 12, 2009. And seeing just what we can pull off in this tiny sliver of time we have...

Virtual Variety Part 3

2009-05-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks. First of all, thanks for indulging my previous post ranting about Bill Maher and opportunities missed in the spiritualist / atheist dialogue. (Good clean petty bourgeois fun but probably not what most of you are reading this blog for. So without further ado...)

The Wet Spots toured in Australia for the month of March 2009. It was our second trip down there and our second performance at the Sydney Opera House for their Mardi Gras programming. To me, it was almost more of an honour to be asked back a second time. It's sort of like sex - once could have been a drunken mistake on their part. Twice implies a certain degree of premeditated intention.

And what a bill they had on for the Mardi Gras this time: Alan Cumming! Amanda Palmer (of the Dresden Dolls)! Meow Meow! Justin Bond! Best of all, they had several late night cabarets in which this stellar cast would perform impromptu duets and goof off. It reminds me of the stories of the original Ocean's Eleven starring Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Junior etc. After a long day of filming, the rat pack would hold court in some Vegas casino lounge and fuck around - telling stories and doing songs and comedy. It is a great regret that our tour schedule did not allow us to arrive in town in time for these shows.

As it happened, we got to perform two nights following Justin Bond's "Close to You" show. For those of you unfamiliar with Justin, he came to fame over the last decade as Kiki of the cabaret duo Kiki and Herb. (Others will know him as the MC in Shortbus.) This act completely re-wrote the rules of what a drag performance could be, stormed Carnegie Hall and toured to critical acclaim worldwide. And then they decided to pack it in. Kiki was a savagely quick-witted, nihilistic drag character and Justin was wearying of embodying those emotions so often. So he began to perform as himself, trading in the boozy, agonizingly funny fictions of Kiki's eternal descent for equally poignant true stories from his glamorous life amongst the gliteratti and his pagan romps amongst the Radical Faeries. His genius as a musical parodist is undeniable, so his choice to focus on earnest interpretations of pop classics and original material is particularly bold. It is a roll of the dice, and it has come up double sixes, as far as I'm concerned. His transformation is an inspiration to any creative who is feeling the need to stretch and grow beyond their comfort zone. Here he is at Joe's Pub in New York City performing Marat / Sade.

In Australia, Justin performed his "Close to You" show, which features him singing every song from the classic Carpenter's album, accompanied by a ten-piece live band. When I walked into their rehearsal, I saw that the pianist was executing a flawless performance with his left hand, while simeltaneously jotting notes for the musicians with his right. And so I was introduced to Lance Horne - Emmy Award-winning musical genius and tireless cabaret booster. Lance acts as musical director for Justin Bond, Meow Meow, Alan Cumming and a host of others - grounding their oft-eccentric visions with sound technique and theory. I tried to find a Youtube video of him performing on his own, but almost every clip showed him making some other performer look astounding. Here he is singing at Joe's Pub - his second home in NYC. (And don't even get me started on his first home...)

Our shows were a delight to perform, and on our closing night we recorded a brief interview with Australian radio. It is interspersed here with clips of audience reactions...

From Sydney, we flew on to Adelaide for the 2009 Fringe Festival. The Adelaide Fringe is second only to Edinburgh in terms of size and prestige, and we were fortunate enough to perform in a truly glorious venue - the fabulous Parel van Vuren Spiegeltent. Speigeltents are antique, portable performance venues that used to tour with circuses around the turn of the last century. They have cloth roofs, ornate carved wooden frames, and countless stained glass and mirror panes throughout their structure.

Our dressing room - behind it - was a rather more prosaic porta-cabin trailer. But we got to share the trailer with a mad, hilarious gang of performers from a beautiful cabaret show called A Company of Strangers. Here's a little clip hyping their event:

The MC of their night was a gruff, eccentric, songwriter and dancer named Martin Martini. Here he is performing at the Soho Theater in London:

The sensational Meow Meow joined their cast for several nights. Here she is doing her charming deconstruction of diva-hood...

In contrast, the mournful, mysterious Lady Carol sang Radiohead's Creep and Queen's The Show Must Go On. I love a woman in a hooded maroon velvet cape who plays ukulele. I mean, who doesn't. Right? Here she is doing Kate Bush. (Not like that. But that would be hot.)

One of my particular favourites was Gateau Chocolat - an enormous operatic talent from London UK. His warmth and energy illuminated the whole show, and his outrageous costumes were a visual delight. He's the fellow in the green unitard from the overview clip above. He is currently performing with those superfriends of Variety - La Clique . Here he is in a (frankly quite bizarre) little art film clip:

Another treat was the irrepressible Paul Capsis - an Australian legend. Fresh out of playing Riff Raff in a Rocky Horror revival, Paul delivered a stunning array of larger-than-life vocal interpretations, even out-Janis-ing Janis Joplin. And he split his trousers like PJ Proby. So Cass mended them. Here's a short clip that doesn't really do justice to his vocal chops, but gives a good idea of his stage presence.

Finally, we had the lovely Sveta and her dancing Russian Bears. Here she is doing her own demented diva take. She rounded out their show beautifully.

Sveta Dobranoch

This was the show we got to listen to night after night as we prepared for our own slot immediately following them. It never once got boring, and we snuck in many times to watch these unique talents from the wings. Theirs was a consistently sold-out show, and most deservedly so. But we still won the award for Best Cabaret, betches. Just saying... ;-)

An Open Letter to Bill Maher

2009-05-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

Howdy, Bill

Just Saw Religulous. You're sharp as ever. Which is maybe a bit too sharp. I think it would have served your cause better if you'd let more people finish their sentences, rather than cutting them off with some withering comment.

I know, I know. You don't suffer fools. And we love you for it. But I think you're stacking the deck in the same way my old intro philosophy prof did back in the day. As you put it so well, the story of Jonah living in the belly of the whale and the story of Jack climbing a beanstalk both seem equally fantastic. And otherwise intelligent people who believe either story as literal truth are fun to mock. They are soft targets.

But there are harder targets out there you might have addressed. A lot of folks go to church and see these stories as fables. I have a Minister friend who openly talks about "the creation myth" or "the flood myth" from the Bible. Now admittedly he is United Church and prone to whiskey binges, but you take my point. So why do these folks take part in religion? Because they get something out of it. Something you don't get. And it's OK you don't get it. But it doesn't mean they're all stupid or crazy.

I was happy to see you talking to the Jesuit astronomer who notes that 1500 years passed between the writing of the Bible and the birth of scientific method, so we should not expect to find any valid scientific info in either Testament, and instead search for it today with all tools at our disposal. But I thought it was a bit disingenious to portray him as some radical maverick. Those Jesuits are generally smart mofos, and they often have quite a sense of humour about the various saints and miracles that their religion portrays.

I was also happy to see you talking to Dr. Andrew Newberg - the neuroscientist who studies how human brain patterns change while in religious trance states (such as 'spirit posession', speaking in tongues or deep meditation). I was unhappy that he never got to explain his ideas because you were too busy saying that he had proved your theory that religion is a neurological disorder. Below are some vids of him addressing scientific panels and documentarians. In fact, he is quite sympathetic to the human need for spirituality, and sees it as completely divorced from the question of whether any sort of god exists. For anyone interested in spirituality and rationality, this is fun (if nerdy) stuff.

Your point that we would quickly resign from any social club that had committed the atrocities of most religions is a good one. And your concern that fanaticism will lead to the end of the world either through war or neglect is valid. I get your urgency. But you ignore a crucial question: Why are many rational, non-fundamentalist people religious?

Many people use meditation or religious ceremonies (gathering in contemplation, telling ancestral stories, taking part in ancient rituals) in order to transcend the ego. The ego is the center of our rational intellect. Which is good. It is also the part in each of us that sees ourselves as an entity separate from everyone and everything else. To many people this just seems like a given. It is not. We could also choose to see ourselves as part of a greater entity: Gaia, or a cultural tradition, or a collective consciousness. But the ego fights this. And it likes to think that it is the entirety of our minds. It is not. It has been repeatedly, scientifically proven that there is lots of brain activity going on that is unrelated to our immediate egoic consciousness. The ego is also constantly engaged in a futile struggle for more. More status, more money, more sensation. And it loves to be right. To dominate. Either physically, or intellectually, or morally, or emotionally. It feels good. For about a minute.

Spirituality can be the discipline of recognizing this hungry chatterbox and trying to turn it down for a while in order to allow other parts of our consciousness some breathing space. It's not that different from cognitive therapy - how we can train ourselves to recognize an anxiety attack or an angry rage or a depressive episode as just that - an episode and not the absolute reality of our condition.

I would have loved to have seen you talk more about how this worthwhile project to tame the ego has been repeatedly hijacked for various egocentric projects. As you put it "Does the Vatican look like anything Jesus had in mind?". You could also have presented some agnostic alternatives to religion (with its historical baggage and its curent crop of douchebags). There are plenty. Buddhist meditation is a practice that asks no belief in anything supernatural and welcomes all denominations. Some "new age" and neo-pagan practices are incredibly pro-queer and anti-patriarchal. But you didn't do this. You went for the easy argument against the extremists in order to be right. In order to win.

And you did. And you looked like it felt good. For about a minute. And then you looked pissed & pugilistic again. In contrast to some of the serene believers you mocked. Do you think this approach changed any minds? Or did it just flatter those who already agree with you? Religious leadership is clearly an ego trip for some of your interviewees. It's alarming how similar your own motivation looks.

A bad advertisment for a good cause...

Obama, Hunter Redux Plus Thoughts on Chomsky and Sports

2009-01-20T12:27:00.001-08:00

A few months ago, when it became clear in the last week of the campaign that Obama was going to go over the top and win the bastard, I blogged about Hunter Thompson's suicide. It was pretty clear that the re-election of George W. Bush had depressed him to the point where he decided it was time to check out. Last night I watched a biopic on HST and this morning I watched the inaugural address and it got me thinking about faith and hope and symbolism and... sports.

Noam Chomsky is a sharp mofo and I like much of his analysis of power relationships and the way the media manufactures consent. But the man has no sense of fun when it comes to pro sports. He is quoted as saying (roughly) that pro sports just give the proles something to be distracted by while the real work of screwing them over occurs out of sight. And that may well be true, as far as it goes. But pro sports (rather than, say, pro algae farming) succeeds as entertainment because it connects with us emotionally. When we see our team go the distance and win the championship, it makes us feel like good things are possible.

I am an occasional hockey fan. A few years ago my local team was in the last place playoff spot (which was not unusual). Yet they beat their number-one-ranked opponents three games in a row in a playoff series, and looked set to win the best-of-seven contest. Around the same time, my band was in the middle of recording an album with a pro producer. We had endured about ten years of toiling in obscurity and poverty, and we were hard-pressed to believe that we could ever pull ourselves out of that place. Listening to the hockey games on the radio filled me with hope that good things could happen if people worked hard. And I worked HARD on that album. With a sense of hope in my heart that I can still hear in my vocals and my guitar performances.

In the end, my hockey team lost the next four games of that series and got bumped out of the playoffs. The album was finally birthed after a lot of disheartening delays and after I had left that band. But the point is not the ultimate result of a hockey series or a recording session. The point is the emotional feeling of possibility. When you lose the sense that good things can happen, you reach for your pistol like Hunter S. Thompson did after the 2004 election. I myself remember wondering how a just deity could allow a decent man like Kerry to lose to such a catastrophe as Bush. "Things happen for a reason." Cassie told me, "Have faith. Something better than you can even imagine now is around the corner." I thought she was a gullible hippie and considered kicking over her shrine. Now, with Obama sworn in, I realize that it would not have been possible if Kerry had won in 2004. And the truth is, I could never have foreseen this amazing moment. Cass was right. I suppose hope is optimism when things are going your way, and faith is optimism when your house gets stepped on by Godzilla. After he eats your child. And your testicles.

But right now, Obama is like that long-odds sports team that wins the championship. Except that he is also upending many generations of racial impossibility and making the youth vote feel like they can actually affect their political landscape. I wonder what Chomsky makes of this victory. Probably not a lot. He probably sees that Obama owes favours to the same special interests as his predecessors, and that the machinery of government makes real change very difficult. He may even suggest that the president is largely a symbolic sop for the masses while the real dealings occur behind closed, exclusive doors.

But that's precisely it. The US presidency is a weird office. It is a a symbolic post like a king. And it is a real seat of executive power. It is a brand - especially during the campaign. Obama will probably disappoint many with the tough executive decisions and compromises he will have to make once he takes office. But the very fact that the Obama brand inspired people so deeply, the fact that people put their hopes into this brand, and the fact that the USA in a free election chose this brand is wildly significant. He won the toughest championship in the history of the world. So think about what we can achieve in our lives. Some of us have been getting by on faith for a long time. And some of us have not made it through. As of this inaugaration, we can now have hope.

More Virtual Variety

2008-12-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

John Here:

We've just wrapped up our December tour of London. (Yes. You can tour the city of London. Trust me on this one...) and we had to add a few more links to some of the great performers we were fortunate enough to work with. Our final night in the city, we performed at a show called La Clique. It's a variety show on a long run in the West End. It is probably the best variety show in the world right now. Below are some of the other acts on the bill:

Mario, Queen of the Circus: When you look at his act it seems inevitable. But when you pause to think about it, though, it takes a very particular mindset and a very particular skill set set to conceive of and then fully realize a Freddy-Mercury-impersonating, Mediterranian leatherman musical sex-comedian juggler acrobat.

Miss Behave: What's not to love about a latex-wearing comedic sword swallower?

The English Gents: Sure they've got the bowler hats, umbrellas, suits & ties, sock garters, Union Jack underpants and the most virtuosic acrobatic talent I've ever seen. But it's the cutup / straight man comedic characters they've developed to play off each other that really put this act in a league of gentlemen of their own.

David O'Mer: Absolutely and unapologetically the most eroitc male acrobatic act on earth right now.

Camille O'Sullivan: How can I even start to do this performer justice? She is the best cabaret-repertoire singer I have ever seen perfom. Watch this video. Then watch all her other Youtube videos. Then buy her album. And still you will have no idea just how magnetic she is live. So go see her live.

Yulia Pikhtina: Um... If I say "Hula Hoop Artist", a lot of you will probably not bother to click this link. So let me instead say "Virtuosic Acrobatic Dancer". Okay... maybe that will make others of you decide to pass this one up. Here's what I'm gonna say: "WATCH THIS WATCH THIS WATCH THIS!!!!"

Okay. That's it for now. On to New York City in a weeek or so. Hope to see you there!

Virtual Variety

2008-12-12T10:20:00.000-08:00

John Here:

I love the variety show medium. I'm so grateful that much of my work week is spent watching these outrageous, imaginative and bizarrely gifted performers showcase just what the human mind and body are capable of. It's sort of like a daily affirmation. Of just how weird, wonderful, diverse and dedicated people are.

Unfortunately, this affirmation costs £80 a plate unless you happen to be on the bill. So I've hit upon this idea: From now on, when The Wet Spots are on a variety bill, I will try to find Youtube footage of all of the performers in the show and post them on our blog, so that our audience can love these people as much as we do.

This past week we've been performing at Bush Hall in London with a show called Medium Rare. Here are some of the other acts on the bill:

The Wau Wau Sisters - A wonderful, occasionally sappho-erotic musical comedy trapeze duo from NYC (here seen on Australian TV):

Earl Okin - Musical Genius and Sex Symbol. One of the best musical comedians (or perhaps comedic musicians) currently working.

Alice and Alice - Demented and creepy! Lewis Carroll meets The Shining! Here seen at the Edinburgh Fringe.

So & So Circus - Hot, talented dance and acrobatics from the UK.

Captain Frodo - Absolutely uncategorizble. Just watch this. You will never be the same.

Ursula Martinez - A truly creative and inspired comic burlesquer. Here seen at Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal:

More great performers to follow over the next months as we tour around to other shows.

YouTube - Frank Zappa on Crossfire

2008-12-12T04:02:00.000-08:00

YouTube - Frank Zappa on Crossfire

"America is going down in a blaze of, satanism, kinky sex, profanity and androgynous pop icons!"

"No! America is quickly deteriorating into a fascist theocracy!"

(Just in case you think anything is new in the culture wars. Zappa on Crossfire in 1986. 20 minutes long & patchy sound, but well worth a look.)

Integrity

2008-12-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

John here:

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me why it was that people who are otherwise honest and open have so much trouble around integrity in romantic relationships. Why do good people cheat?

The word "integrity" means "the state of being integrated". And "integrated" means that all the parts sit comfortably together. So integrity means being and behaving in a such a way that all parts hang together. A man who despises the conditions of the factory farm yet eats beef daily has parts within him that do not fit together. In this area of his life he does not have integrity. A man who believes that factory farms are just fine for cows and eats a lot of beef DOES have integrity in this area of his life. (Though he may need to educate himself.)

Now we all have contradictions like this where we behave in ways that contradict our values or what we know is best for us. But it is hard to accept. So we have to rationalize, deny or outright lie to ourselves to keep from seeing the contradiction. Psychologists call it "cognitive dissonance". And we all do it to some degree. But when the issue is serious, then cognitive dissonance is very painful. The man who drinks and does coke a lot knows in one part of his mind that it is unhealthy and dangerous and that it could kill him. And he sort of knows that he is hooked. And he doesn't want to die. But another part of him knows that the only solution is to give up the booze and coke completely. Forever. And there's no way he wants to do that. Because he needs the stuff to feel okay and the thought of life without it is too scary.

So he swears off in the morning during the hangover. And then - in the afternoon when he's jonesing, and a glass of wine would feel just right - he makes the decision to have that glass. But he has to come up with some reason why it's ok to do it and why he isn't really hooked and why it's not really that bad. Sure, a part of him knows he's bullshitting himself. But another part is saying just as loud "No, no. It's fine. Go ahead. What the hell?" That's some serious cognitive dissonance. That's a lack of integrity. And it's painful.

As far as sexual relations go, I think that people have a big problem with integrity because they are not honest with themselves or with others about what they want. The sexual urge can be just as strong as the urge for that bump of coke. Especially if it seems like that urge will not be satisfied.

Let's say you really like being slapped with a codfish at the moment of climax. Or at least you think you probably would. You've never tried it but you fantasize about it all the time. Chances are, you'll probably think to yourself "Wow, that really gets me off but I probably shouldn't mention it to the person I'm dating. Because they'll think its weird and maybe leave."

You've made a few assumptions. The first is that your desire to be fish-slapped is weird and not valid and does not deserve to be satisfied. The second is that your lover will not stick around if they know about the fish thing. The third is that you should try to continue a relationship with a person who would leave if they knew about your hidden desires.

So you keep quiet and marry your lover. You love them. You want to be faithful. But this unrequited fish-slap thing is nagging at you like a bad coke habit. You start surfing the fish-slap sites. Eventually you hire some strapping young fellow down at the docks to work you over with a salmon every second Friday. You tell your spouse that you're working late.

The parts are not integrated. You love your spouse. You value them. You want to be faithful. And yet here you are sneaking around. When you get caught you are truly sorry. You hurt. And you can't really explain why it happened.

It happened because you were not honest about your desires. Not honest with yourself or with your partner. What's more, you didn't honour the fish-slap side of yourself. You didn't listen to it and celebrate it, saying: "Ok, this is beautiful. Let's explore it." You said "Um, this is weird and I don't deserve to have this sort of pleasure." And then later, when the fish-slap side of yourself demanded to be heard, you didn't have the courage to negotiate with your partner - to say "Could you maybe fish-slap me once in a while? Say - once a month? No? OK. What if the guy at the docks does it? I still love you but I need this."

These are tough talks to have. I make my living thinking about this stuff, and I still have trouble with some of these talks. So I have compassion for the cheaters. And for the cuckolds. Because there is still so much shame out there. We are told in a million different ways that if our desires do not conform then we have to keep them very quiet. This is a recipe for dishonesty, cheating and behaving without integrity.

(And then there are folks like Dan Savage who are working tirelessly to make unusual desires seem less unusual, and advocating that we explore them, not hide them. Thanks Dan, and great job on Colbert, by the way.)

I know that I am attracted to many people, and that I would not be happy in a monogamous relationship. The hard part was owning it and celebrating it instead of being ashamed of it. And holding out for a partner who could roll with it and wanted to live in the same way. I believe that we are faithful to each other. Faithful in that we are very honest about what we want and where we're at - even if it's hard to say and hard to hear. Even if it turns out to be a deal-breaker. It's scary, but not as scary as hurting people by sneaking around.

Patti Smith Dream of Life

2008-11-09T00:26:00.000-08:00

John here:

Saw this Patti Smith bio / tour / art film called Dream of Life. Very inspiring, watching a consummate performer surf this massive wave of electric sound - intoning an apocalyptic call-to-arms of personal expression and political action. Out of anyone else's mouth some of this shit would sound like a Fine Art freshman's manifesto, but she summons all the conviction of some oracle from the Trojan War, and gets right past your irony towers.

Even if you're not a Patti Smith fan, watch this movie - if only to watch a wise survivor channel untold voltages and fuck life like she's about to ship overseas.

Drunken freaks and weirdos, Bucky Sinister

2008-11-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

John here:

Cass used to tell me about this hard-drinking, shit-kicking poet on the circuit named Bucky Sinister. They used to sit up late at night downing whiskey and talking shit together at the national poetry slam events. Last week she showed me his latest book: Get Up: 12-Step Guide to Recovery for Misfits, Freaks and Weirdos. I would have included and Artists in that title. But maybe he figures Misfits, Freaks and Weirdos covers most of us, too.

It's some cool shit. 12-Step stuff was hard for me to hang with at first. I never had any real cred as a punk, but I came from that outsider / freak scene and in many ways I still identify with it. I go to Burning Man and hang out with people who like to stay up late. The conformist aspects of 12-Step scared the shit out of me. Bucky's book would have helped me relax into a program a lot more easily. Just knowing that out there somewhere is a Punk Rock AA group that opens with a moment of violence followed by the serenity prayer makes me happy.

But I really wish someone had handed me this book about ten years ago when I was still drinking. It's full of handy tips for anyone who is wondering if maybe they have a problem with booze or drugs. For example:

If you're the oldest person living in a punk rock house, you have a substance problem.

If you've ever bought one of those 'clean up my urine sample' kits for drug testing at your job, you have a substance problem. Normal people would far rather just not do drugs and keep their job safe.

If you've ever developed a system to keep you from drinking or using too much (eg: leave the credit card at home, only drink beer, only drink at home, alternate between a drink and a glass of water) then you have a substance problem. Normal drinkers don't need a system.

If you hang with a group that does coke - even occasionally - you have a substance problem. Most people NEVER see coke in their entire lives.

Oh by the way - if you're saying "Yeah I do some of the above but that doesn't make me an addict. Loads of my friends do that stuff too." then you have a substance problem. And so do loads of your friends. You've chosen to hang around with people for whom excessive use is normalized. Say it with me again: "Normal people don't do this shit."

And finally, Bucky NAILS the substance abusing artist's attitude of self-pity, resentment and self-delusion: "It's not fair, I am an extremely talented, misunderstood artist and I can't get ahead because of (insert excuse here). If only people would appreciate me for the genius that I am... Or could be... I haven't really produced a lot lately but that's because of (insert excuse here). My drinking is part of my cool Bukowski / Hunter Thompson / Dylan Thomas / Darby Crash image and if I stop, then I will lose my inspiration and my sense of self. Plus the drunken badass image is cool.

Get over it. The music / art / lit scene is a TOUGH racket. Some of the best of the best get to fuck up publicly with booze & drugs and have it fuel their image. And then there's the rest of us who aren't at the top. All we have is talent and good behaviour. Being a badass loses us more work than it wins us.

So buy this book. For yourself. Or your talented drunk-ass friend.

http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Get-Up-Step-Guide-Recovery-Bucky-Sinister/9781573243667-item.html

An Open Letter to Dr. Hunter S. Thompson on the Eve of an Obama Landslide

2008-10-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

You gutless, dead, doom-drunk old addict! It's really too bad you took yourself out just after that second Bush win. I think you would have liked Obama. A Kentucky boy like you would have felt the significance of an African American president deep in your hillbilly heart. And you surely would have relished the savage stomping the GOP Greedheads are about to get. McCain is gonna be trounced as surely and as painfully as McGovern in '72. And the young black candidate who all the students are out marching for is gonna win by a mile. But that's what happens when you get so despairing that you can't even IMAGINE the world getting better. You don't get to stick around and see the fucking miracle that's just around the corner.

Sure, in early 2005 it looked like Rove's strategy for permanent Republican domination was working. How else could you explain such a lightweight human catastrophe with two failed wars and a demonstrable lack of comepetence getting RE-ELECTED? We were all pretty down. But not as far as you. When you drink that much it makes the downs WAY down. It fucks you up. Takes you out of the game. Makes you a clownish shadow of your glory days.

When Nixon died you wrote a scathing and tender obit. "Nixon gave no mercy and expected none. He was pure that way." So in that spirit let me give it to you straight, Hunter: Nixon lived out his natural alottment of days. He lived with the shame of what he'd done. He lived knowing the revulsion his name caused. Yet he found a way to carry on. But you - acid hero of a generation? You blew your fucking brains out and let your son find you. I hate to say it but in your one-man war against Richard Millhouse Nixon, Nixon wins.

Most if us who have hit the bottle too hard have come up with some baroque justifications: We need it to settle us. We need it for our image. For our sense of self. We need it for our work. We need it because we are sensitive and idealist and the world is a harsh and imperfect place. And when a talented drunk like you goes down it's easy for us to get all poetic and say that your heart was broken by the country going so far astray, or that you had imprisoned yourself in your bacchic reputation, but the truth is a bit simpler. You were a terminal alcoholic and a drug addict. It made you irreparably, clinically depressed. And you didn't get help for either condition. And you shot yourself. So you don't get to see this sweet, gorgeous, beautiful, glorious, perfect moment when all those sixties promises finally come true and the youth vote carries a decent, honourable man into the highest office in the USA. The kids - they're better organized now, Hunter. You thought McGovern had some hot shit students working for him? Man, you have no idea. You have no ideas at all now.

Hunter, Vegas showed us how to be secret agents in squaresville, and Campaign Trail '72 showed us how to approach politics and power without getting raped. I learned a lot from you about how to live outside - how to think outside, how a word can be used as a shiv. You were the sharpest of them all. But the biggest lesson I learned from you is that there's about as much fear and loathing in this world as you care to focus on. And that it can distract you from beauty and truth.

BM pics & the Green Card Cupid - OPENLY

2008-09-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

BM pics & the Green Card Cupid - OPENLY

I write the theme song? I sing the theme song?

2008-08-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

John here:

It's been a VERY productive few days. Cass and I have been working on a bunch of music for other people's projects:

Kirby Ferguson - the genius web director behind the "Do You Take It...?" video - has been making a gang war spoof. We've written him one 'West Side Story' type musical theater number and one syrupy Celine Dion-ish love theme. I don't want to reveal much more about this video because it is set to be released soon and I expect it will be the biggest success of his career.

Birgitte Philippides - the director of Polyamorous NYC - is in the middle of creating a pilot for a reality TV show featuring the lives of a circle of polyamorous friends in New York City. She has an amazing production company working with her on this: smart, witty, queer... and they've got real integrity. Cass and I are obviously excited by the possibility of a TV series showing polyamory to a wide audience in an intelligent, non-exploitative manner. So we pitched them on writing the theme song for the show. It's sort of a parody of those perky "Friends" sitcom theme songs from the 80s & 90s.

I really enjoy working on these sorts of things because they're light. I'm not as invested in the material as I am with Wet Spots songs. This sounds like maybe I don't care as much about them, and that's true... sort of... but in a good way. With the Wet Spots, we've consciously and unconsciously developed personae and a bit of a mission statement to go with the act. For example, we don't want to write a song that would make the audience feel ashamed about sex in any way. Even if it gets a laugh out of them. Now I think this is a good 'rule' to have. In and of itself. But once you get enough of these well-intentioned rules in place around an act, it becomes a bit harder to just blurt out your ideas into songs. You sort of measure them against the yardstick of your aesthetic principles before they even have a chance to develop. You don't intend to do this, it just happens. And it bogs down the writing process.

An unsuccessful writing session is a gut-wrenching experience. Have I used up all my good ideas for this lifetime? Has the well permanently dried up? These questions always arise & dance around - about as easy to ignore as a piece of sawdust deep behind your eyelid. But a simple way to avoid this experience is to not write. To focus instead on the managerial side of the self-employed artist gig. Book more shows, sort out some work visas, send out some promo kits, do the blog etc. This process is insidious because it keeps you away from your real work but seems totally reasonable

Writing for other people is great because we get to throw out all the Wet Spots rules. If we want to write a vicious song, we can. If we want to write a bubblegum pop song then we can. We blurt out the ideas, and if they don't work then it's not a crushing blow to our faith in the viability of our main meal ticket. The other reason why writing for other people is great is because we're writing. Period. We're showing up for work, and getting the gears turning. Which makes it that much easier to show up for writing new material for ourselves.

Or so goes the theory. One of the goals I have for this New York summer stint is to get a lot of work done on a musical. The Wet Spots wrote some songs for a semi-improv'd burlesque / musical theater project earlier this year at the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. The amazing Screaming Chicken Theatrical Society provided the actors and a lot of the plot ideas. Now Cass and I want to take those songs, and a bunch of new ones, and create a full-fledged, full-length, fully scripted musical with a very different plot. I believe that this musical could be a big-titted hit on a scale way above and beyond what The Wet Spots have achieved. So I'm really invested in it. So I'm really bogged down on it. It doesn't have that playful lightness that good writing requires. So I've been writing for other people instead. And I'm really happy with the results I've achieved in those pieces. But it remains to be seen if I'll now be able to dive in to this musical and give it that same dedication. In this, our last week in New York City.

THE WET SPOTS' BLACK ROCK CITY FIRST UNITARDED CONGREGATIONAL CHOIR

2008-08-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

OK, folks! Big news!

The Wet Spots' Choir is a GO for Burning Man 2008.

Here's the deal: we're going to gather as many of our friends and fans as we can find and we're going to perform as a totally random, f*cked up choir at Burning Man.

Where: Center Camp, 8:00 PM Thursday night

What about rehearsals?
We're going to post some arrangements for songs here on our blog.
You download the mp3s and drive your friends insane by playing it in the car all the way from Reno.
Then you and your friends, thus indoctrinated into our nerdy sex cult, will join us for a rehearsal (Bwah ha ha!) on the playa.

Rehearsal: 4:00 PM Wednesday at our camp (freedomcommunity, 3:30 and Dart)
If you can't make rehearsal just show up and fake it.

Sound good? It's gonna be a riot!
Please drop us a line at cass at wetspotsmusic.com or leave a comment on this blog to let us know you're interested. We have absolutely no idea how this will turn out but it's gonna be fun.

-- Cass and John

The first Choir arrangement: DYTI! Surprise!

2008-08-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

1) Lyrics for Do You Take It are HERE

2) The MP3 of the whole arrangement is HERE . Everyone should download this!
(a right-click will give you the option to download)

3) Pick one more mp3 for the part you want to sing.
(What you'll hear is your part louder than all of the other parts so you can practice!)

The Guys' Lead vocal mp3 is HERE.
The Girls' Lead vocal mp3 is HERE
The Guys' BG (Background vox) mp3 is HERE
The Girls' BG mp3 is HERE. <-- fun for chicks with high voices who like to go "ooo"

Pick whichever part you can sing. Please correspond with your gender.
IF you have to sing the part (esp. guys) an octave lower, that's fine!
If you're trans you can sing and stand with your preferred gender ;)

A reminder: INVITE YOUR FRIENDS TO SING WITH US!
REHEARSAL (BWAH HA HA!) 4:00 pm Wednesday at our camp
WHERE? freedomcommunity (3:30 and Dart)

Burning Man Fundraiser - Wet Spots LIVE DVD for auction!

2008-08-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

OK, friends and fans!

Our Burning Man camp, freedomcommunity* is having a fund raiser auction and there's an item up for grabs that many of you have expressed interest in: A DVD filmed live at the Sydney Opera House. Look below for item #8!

We can't distribute this commercially so it's rare. And yes, we do intend to release a live DVD for commercial sale very soon!

And I've copied the text of the whole email so you can see all the AWESOME items up for bid!

*our address is 3:30 and Dart.

How the Fund Drive Works:

1. Continue looking down the page and choose one or more gifts that tickle your fancy.

2. Make sure you begin your bidding at (or more than) the Starting Bid (remember the money goes to making our camp great, so be generous!)

3. Make your bid! Email freedomcommunity@gmail.com with the item number and bid amount in the subject of the email. Like e-bay, the gift goes to the highest bidder.

4. If you have questions about an item, you can email the gifter or harmonydawn@mac.com.

The Drive ends Thursday, August 14, 2007 at Noon PST/ 3pm Eastern.

*** Pass this along to friends and family that might be interested in these terrific gifts and goods ***

THE TRIP

Item #1
A Cascadian Exploration: 3 full days for two people of either sailing in Puget Sound or mountaineering on Mt. Baker (you choose). Trained and experienced mountain guide/sailor included.

- sail on the Cal 27' "Spectrum" in Washington's San Juan Islands. Leave Anacortis on day one, and sail the winds and the tides to whatever location makes sense. Possible destinations include: the clothing optional hot tubs of Doe Bay Resort, the remote sandstone anomaly of Sucia Island, or the sculpture gardens of Roche Harbor. Sleep, live, eat and play aboard. Learn as much or as little about sailing as you want, good food, sailboat charter, mooring and slip fees, and skipper provided.

- mountaineer on the 10,400' volcano Mt. Baker, with summit attempt included (weather gods permitting). This option is best suited for the more fit amongst us. All group gear (rope, tent, protection and kitchen) as well as mountain guide (10+ yrs. experience).

The minimum bid for this auction item is $450 on this 3 day summer getaway for two (approximate value: $1,800). Offer good for two years (2009-2010) in the summer months (May - September) and subject to scheduling availability.

The highest bidder will need to provide their own transportation to Mt. Vernon, Washington (69 miles North of Seattle, a $27 shuttle ride from SeaTac airport) and all personal items (appropriate clothing, sleeping bags, footwear, etc.)

Starting bid: $450
Gifted by Paul Koubek

Gifts & Goods

Item #2
Teal Bird of Paradise Fur Hoop Dress and Leggings by PlayaFur.com
Custom fit available sizes 6-14ish. Needs hula hoop (fits standard cheap hoop).
From the designer: “This piece was in my Summer 07 fashion show and pictures are available on my website. The dress needs the measurements of the winner and I will need a few days to finish it to them.” Would retail for $400

Starting bid: $100 plus shipping $15
Gifted by Mercedes Hartman
Mercedes@playafur.com

Item #3
Pink Shag Fur Leggings by PlayaFur.com
Standard flair knee-high leggings with secret stash pockets. Leggings feature elastic and tie band with pom-pom balls. Would retail for $45

Gifted by Mercedes Hartman
Mercedes@playafur.com

Item #4
Teal Shag Fur Leggings by PlayaFur.com
Standard flair knee-high leggings with secret stash pockets. Leggings feature elastic and tie band with pom-pom balls. Would retail for $45

Gifted by Mercedes Hartman
Mercedes@playafur.com

Item #5
Pink Yeti Fur Shoulder Bag by PlayaFur.com
Good sized. Perfect to act as a daily purse or a fuzzy playa carry pal. Shoulder strap is long enough to fling over your back and forget about it. Extra pocket also placed in lining for small stuff. Would retail for $55

Gifted by Mercedes Hartman
Mercedes@playafur.com

Item #6
Aurora Leather Headband by Jen Laursen
Black leather stars accented with one pearlized blue star. Attaches with 2 snap clips. Made from leather scraps, buckram, glue. Check out the photo and the rest of Jen Laursen’s fabulous made-by-her-own-two-little-hands accessories at www.etsy.com/view_listing.php

Gifted by Jen Laursen
preen_yourself@yahoo.com

Item #7
Gorgeous Hoop Earrings by Shelly Kerry
14k gold filled handmade hoops, gold and copper dyed pearls and small vintage crystal beads. (Email harmonydawn@mac.com and I will send you an image)

Gifted by Shelly Kerry
www.prettycraftything.typepad.com

Item #8
"The Wet Spots Live at the Sydney Opera House DVD" plus a copy of "Hello Kinky" CD.
The Wet Spots are a sophisticated sex comedy duo from Vancouver, BC. Their music has been compared to "Burt Bacharach on Amyl Nitrate" (Sydney Morning Herald" and "Savage Love meets Schoolhouse Rock" (Susie Bright). This DVD is a 75 minute recording of the Wet Spots' stellar show at the Sydney Opera House, recorded in February of 2008. The DVD is not commercially available so it's RARE! For more Wet Spots info go to: www.wetspotsmusic.com

Starting bid $25
Gifted by Cass King

Item #9
Custom Art by Stephanie

Have a special occasion coming up and want a gift that is personal and meaningful? How about a custom-commissioned piece of digital art created from a favorite photograph! Stephanie specializes in creating digitally rendered illustrations based on photographs that use a combination of words, symbols, and illustration to send a simple and moving message. Past pieces have been used as a wedding gift from bride to groom, as a father's day gift from daughter to father, and as gifts between close friends. This auction item would entitle the recipient to a fully customized illustration, including an 8X10 print, based on a photo and message of their choice, completed in time for their special gift-giving event. Two to four weeks required for completion of art, starting from the initial discussion and the date Stephanie receives your inspiration photo. More samples of Stephanie's design and illustration work can be seen at www.alternatif-design.com.

Starting bid $100
Gifted by Stephanie Rubin
stephanie@alternatif-design.com
www.alternatif-design.com

Item #10
“Winged Gate,” a giclée print by BlackLight
Mixed media, 9 X 14, comes in it's own sleeve along with a certificate of authenticity.

Starting bid: $40
Gifted by BlackLight
blacklight@ebonflow.com

Services & Experiences

Item #20 (SF)
Item #21 (NY)
The OneTaste Foundations Course (SF and NYC)
This weekend workshop will teach you to unblock personal barriers and connect to the world around you. Designed and taught by the experienced faculty of OneTaste, the Foundations Course is sure to stretch and to surprise, grounding you in a set of sustainable and integrated practices that have only one goal: To give you what you need to live a turned on life.

Next SF dates: August 9 & 10
The Foundations Courses runs 10am-6pm Saturday and Sunday, one weekend a month. To discuss future dates, contact Justine (415) 730.8320 in San Francisco, or Rachel (510) 689.6384 in New York.

Item #22
1 hour breathwork / energy healing session (Pasadena or the Playa)

Welcome to the New World where we value WHO YOU REALLY ARE! Stephanie helps you get in touch with that truth. Release old thought patterns and feel the loving being within.

Using various energetic healing techniques, celestial language, essential oils, and David Elliot based breathwork, Stephanie will Clear/Repair the Aura, Release Entities, Stuck Thought Patterns, Chords to others,and Open The Heart so you can more easily Receive Your Own Truth.

Stephanie is a certified Hatha Yoga Teacher, Professional Musician, and has completed Healer training with Scott Schwenk - David Elliot Based Breathwork & Seda - Energy Tools for Empowerment 1 & 2. She works with many Non-Physical Healing Masters.

Starting bid: $25
Gifted by Stephanie Erdel

Item #23
1½-Hour Photo Session with Award-Winning Photographer Emily Merrill (SF)
Check out Emily’s website to see the style of her work at emilymerrill.com.

Starting bid $150
Gifted by Emily Merrill
emily@emilymerrill.com

Item #24
Item #25
First Session at Middle Path Acupuncture (Office in the Mission District of San Francisco)

From the doctor: “I am an integrative health care physician practicing acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy and hormone balancing. I am a general medicine practitioner and enjoy treating patients with complaints of insomnia, chronic pain, digestive problems, headaches, seasonal allergies, menstrual difficulties, to name a few. I am an ally and catalyst for positive change in my patients' return to freedom, comfort and ease in their bodies. I am happy to offer my services as a donation to the Freedom Community to support the free creative expression of this group.”

Gifted by Adam Wiscomb, M.S., Dipl. O.M., C.M.T., L.Ac.

Item #26
Reiki "healing energy" session (NYC or on the playa)
Suggested starting bid $35 (valued at $100)

A Reiki session with Lisa S. at her apt in NYC or in freedomcommunity camp at Burning Man at a mutually satisfactory time. The session will take between 30-60 minutes and involves channeling "healing energy" (a form of ch'i or qi) through the palms of hands. A state of deep relaxation, combined with a general feeling of well-being, is usually the most noticeable immediate effect of the treatment, although emotional releases and healing can also occur. Expires Jan 1, 2009.

Gifted by Lisa Speer

Item #27
30 Minute Back/Neck/Shoulder Therapeutic Massage (on the playa, NYC, SF)

De-stress and unwind...I offer my services in NYC, SF, or on the Playa.
I combine Swedish, Deep Tissue, and energy work to relax, rebalance and rejuvenate your body and spirit.

Starting bid $25
Gifted by Val Greene, CMT
Be_the_source@yahoo.com

Item #28
2 Hour Private Yoga Class (Burbank, CA)

From the instructor, Christy Marsden: “The style I teach is traditional one on one yoga that works on the entire individual (their relationships, goal setting, physical health, behavioral modifications, etc). I have been teaching for 13 years.” Valued at $160.

Gifted by Christy Marsden
christy@yogablend.com

Item #29
5 class series at Yoga Blend (Burbank, CA)
Yoga Blend has over 70 classes a week to choose from. Check out their website at www.yogablend.com.

Gifted by  Christy Marsden
christy@yogablend.com

Item #30
4 Hours with Bob — Visual Marketing Strategy (SF, or via phone/email)

Curious about how well your marketing is working? Need a logo, or just some advice and coaching? Bob has more than 15 years experience as a designer, marketer and brand consultant. Check him out at bobcanhelp.com.

Gifted by Bob Gower
bob@bobcanhelp.com

Item #31
Mac Help from a Real Mac Genius (SF)

Chris Kosley is the Greatest Mac techie the World Has Ever Known! Yes, he's THAT good! Steve Jobs personally credits Chris with *ALL* of Apple's success. OK, well it was actually some guy wearing jeans and a black mock turtleneck, but he was REALLY IMPRESSED!

Chris has done Mac tech support for over 10 years and worked at Wired Magazine, Apple Computers and helped other various & sundry Mac based clients keep the dream alive by nursing their sad, sick little Macs back to strong, virile SuperComputers blessed with amazing new powers! One of his clients was able to solve the Da Vinci code shortly after Chris simply laid his hands on it and cast asunder the evil demons dwelling within.

Wouldn't you love to have a Mac that's blessed by such a gifted techie?! Got some evil computer demons who need to be cast asunder?! Then bid on this 4-hour block of Chris's services (which normally run $100 per U.S. Hour) and start breathing easier, knowing that your Mac is handled by the best!

Gifted by Chris Kosley
chris.kosley@onetaste.us

Item #32
Internet and Computing Tricks and Treats — 1.5 hour phone consultation (anywhere)

Maybe you need to make a website or fix one, and don't know how or where to get started. Maybe you want to make your Blackberry work with Google Calendar, or use IMAP instead of POP3 with your email. Maybe you want to know what this stuff means. Talk with someone about it in an exploratory, helpful, and non-judging manner.

Areas of expertise: Web sites, privacy, productivity, backups, personal organization, calendaring, or social networking and social media, enterprise.

Alex has 12 years of experience in technology and he has helped some of the largest media companies in the world to make their systems idiot proof.

This service offering is for 1.5 hours of consulting over the phone with Alex Rollin to be completed in no more than 2 sessions, scheduled at least 1 week in advance.

Gifted by Alex Rollins
alex.rollin@gmail.com
415.287.9620

Item #33
Romantic dinner for two — in your own home! (SF)

Why go out when you can have two restaurant professionals cook you a gourmet meal and serve it to you in your own home? We will consult with you over the phone to plan a menu and atmosphere that suits your tastes. We are donating our time and labor. You will need to reimburse us for the cost of ingredients — we’ll stay within our agreed upon budget ☺

Starting bid: $100
Gifted by Harmony Niles
harmonydawn@mac.com

Item #34
Private Wine Class for You and Your Friends (Terroir Wine Bar, San Francisco)

Learn about wine the right way — in a hip place from a beautiful expert, certified sommelier Jeanine Gade. Jeanine will talk to you about your interests and arrange a guided tasting with instruction for you and up to 8 friends. Plan on putting $20 per person into a kitty for the wine; Jeanine is donating her time and expertise.

Gifted by Jeanine Gade

Item #35
A bedtime fairytale, poem, or story (place to be arranged by winner)
Read to you by a gifted reader ☺
Gifted by BlackLight
blacklight@ebonflow.com

Starting bid: $40
Gifted by BlackLight
blacklight@ebonflow.com

Item #36
Explore your shadow side — An Hour with Mistress M (SF)

From the mistress: “It is my pleasure to share with you the art of erotic dominance. My desire is to create a safe, non-judging space for you to play with your kinkiness through consensual power exchange. We will have a 20 min consultation (over coffee or on the phone) to talk about your desires and negotiate a scene that satisfies us both. We can schedule our play to take place in your home, or at the SF Citadel in San Francisco. (I will not engage in any acts that are directly sexual, illegal, unsafe, or non-consensual. I have an arsenal of implements and toys to satisfy us, but if you’d like something I don’t already own, you must provide it.)”

Gifted by Mistress Morgan
nebbianotte@gmail.com

The American Dream

2008-08-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

A longer blog from John here:

This year I am going to Burning Man for the first time. I've been meaning to get around to it for a while. Lots of my friends are regulars. Most of the people I meet when I'm touring who are involved in creating beautiful, interesting works and / or spaces turn out to be Burners. It's time for me to see where they're drawing their inspiration from.

Now that I know I'm going, I've been asking some of the old timers if they plan to return. Many do not. Some cite the fact that the festival has become too big and the sense of community is now diluted. Which seems like the old "I was into punk before it was cool." complaint: sort of valid and sort of pathetic, too. Others say they have a big problem with this year's art theme: The American Dream.

I happen to think it's brilliant. No one is insisting that people create works of art praising the American Dream. I expect to see several dystopian urban wasteland installations, for example. But I like the theme as well because it's a throw-down to all us resistors and freaks: Can you curb your knee-jerk cynicism? Do you dare to see the good that's inside this country?

Cass and I come from Canada, where bashing the USA is our real national sport. (Hockey's just a way for us to do this while also wearing ice skates.) The USA is brash, we like to say. It's a bully. It has no health care. It's mean. It has vast inequalities. It's vulgar. In Canada our values are slightly different, and we are a whole lot smaller than our neighbour to the south and we are deeply insecure. So we feel justified in being a bit righteous, a bit smug. I grew up with a punk rocker's snotty disdain for just about everything, and I was virulently anti-American for a long time. Without having met many Americans. A bigot, in short. So I find it interesting that in my mid-thirties I am falling head over heels for the old whore.

To me the American Dream is opportunity. Opportunity that does not exist elsewhere. The Wet Spots do not have an opportunity to be full-time cabaret performers in Canada. This is not Canada's fault. The Wet Spots are a niche act. We appeal to a small percentage of the population. In Canada, the overall population is fairly small, so the percentage of Canadians who are our audience are too few in number to keep us working.

In the USA too, only a small percentage are Wet Spots fans but that small percentage is a whole shitload of people. So we jump through the hoops and get our work visas and come down to work here, and we survive - barely - as artists because of it. And we have the potential for much more. And that's what keeps me awake nights. Opportunity is also the American nightmare. The burden of knowing that the chance of success is here. Not the guarantee. Perversely, not having a chance has it's own sick sort of comfort. But here we are all summer working in New York City and I have never been happier. I see the Chrysler building and the Statue of Liberty every day, and every day they choke me up a little.

Cass and I are in Washington DC this weekend for some shows. I am more ambivalent about the architecture here, and what it represents. This is America's official government iconography writ large in all its schizophrenic drama. In the National Mall you get these theme-park-like monuments to the beautiful, demanding ideals of the nation's founders. Stroll a few blocks in any direction, though, and you get these almost fascist architectural compounds that just scream exclusion and power and rich indifference. And these gated places are where the action really goes down. On our day off, Cass and I wander around a few sites, then head back to the hotel since we're feeling drowsy in the damp August heat. Then I decide to go to the gym.

Have I mentioned I have some body issues? I was the fat kid in school, the unathletic one. For brief periods in my life I have been lean and fit, but it took a massive, daily commitment to achieve and maintain. Nowadays I'm always mildly disappointed with the shape I'm in, and to maintain this shape takes a massive, daily commitment. It would be a lot easier if someone put a gun to my head every day and told me I had to exercise. It would also be easier if someone put a gun to my head and told me I was not allowed to exercise. But the choice is all mine, and so are the consequences, and I can't pretend I don't know what will happen if I don't get keep it up. But our hotel here has a partnership with a local gym. According to their website, all I have to do is ask at the front desk in the lobby and they'll give me a guest pass for some place down the street.

I go to the receptionist and ask her for a guest pass.

"What?"

"For the gym."

"Ain't no guest passes for no gym."

"But the website says..."

"They ain't fixed that yet. But there ain't no gym passes."

This is great news. I had the intention to go to the gym. I even got dressed for it. But now I am thwarted in my quest for exercise through no fault of my own. I can go back upstairs and watch some dumb TV and laze around for a few hours like I want to. Totally vindicated. Off the hook. On the other hand, going back upstairs is not going to help me get to where I want to be in the long run. Plus the receptionist seems to enjoy saying "no" a bit too much. I decide I'm going jogging instead. Just to let her know she hasn't thrown me off my game, I ask the woman if there's anywhere nice nearby for a good run. She glances out the window at the torrential afternoon thunderstorm I've only just now noticed, looks back at me and says with a raised eyebrow "You just go run wherever you like, sir."

OK. Now I'm doubly thwarted. Clearly the universe is telling me to take a break and relax. To stop being so hard on myself. That I'm simply not MEANT to keep this exercise program up. That it's hard to maintain good habits when you're on tour, so I shouldn't bother. Plus, that cool documentary is on and I might have just enough time to watch it before our show tonight... But god bless this receptionist, she's looking so damn smug now I decide fuck it - I'm going running in the rain. I thank her and head straight out the door.

Earlier in the day Cass and I were chuckling at the douches who were jogging up and down the National Mall in the blazing heat. Now I'm the douche who's running it in the middle of a thunderstorm. The air is electric around me. Lighting is hitting cranes less than a mile away. Thunder is cracking like bombs. People are running for cover. And I'm splashing by in my soaking wet tank top, shorts and shoes. It's one of the best runs of my life. The air is lukewarm and the rain water is soothing, and the sun is setting brightly through the mist. It's one of those storms where half the sky is cloudy and black and the other half is clear and blue and you can see the dividing line right overhead. I get a good distance down the Mall but decide I shouldn't get any closer to the Washington Monument. It's the tallest thing for about half a mile in any direction, and I don't want to be near by if it gets hit. But the sun is setting directly behind that big old national phallus, and for once it's unambiguously beautiful to me. I drink it in and then loop back east where I came from. And then I see it.

The Capitol Building stands out stark white against the deep grey thundercloud sky. And the setting sun behind me throws a perfect semicircular rainbow arc directly over the dome. Like, DIRECTLY over it. Perfectly framed. WAY too perfectly. If you put this image in a movie it would look like such sickeningly hokey CGI that a San Franciscan queer activist and a rural Texan Republican could each agree to hold the other's hair while they puked into their popcorn. And yet here it is, for real, right in front of me. At first the arc is faint, but as the sun dips lower and the clouds darken further, the colours become more distinct and vibrant. And they get right past the DEW line of my irony. In that moment, I think about the American dream of a truly representative democracy, where money and power do not necessarily trump justice and the will of the people. And I think about how we have the opportunity to create it, but no guarantee of success. And I think how those hip radicals who scoff at the possibility of meaningful change in this country are letting themselves off the hook. They think they are smarter than those of us who hope, but maybe they're just lazier. And they share their cynicism with the ones in power who stack the deck against them. A last look, then I veer off the lawn of the Mall and head back north up the hill where I came from.

Opportunity is a bitch goddess. If you don't believe in her, you sort of just drift along, a souring spectator to the inevitable decay. If you do, she doesn't give you anywhere to hide from yourself. For today, though, I've bought her off. On the way back into the hotel I walk past the receptionist in my soaked clothing. She shakes her head at me and rolls her eyes. And smiles.

We heart Buck Angel!

2008-07-30T10:33:00.001-07:00

So we've been working at this kick-ass cabaret in NYC called The Box. And last week we met the delightful Buck Angel. Buck is well known for his cinematic work, but we were delighted to discover that he has a live act too! He'll be performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year with the Jim Rose Circus, go see him if you get the chance.

Here's a lovely picture of Buck and John :)

Zipper Factory show rules.

2008-07-28T11:34:00.001-07:00

Cass here -

Whoo nelly we've been workin' our butts off here in NYC. (Actually, I'm exaggerating, my butt is still firmly attached - was walking past an african american guy last night and he said "Now tell me somethin... when did white girls start to get black girl ass?" I was like "just lucky I guess, I'm proud!" and he goes "Say it LOUD!" and punches his hand in the air. He was a bit cracky but it was still awesome.)

So the Zipper Factory show was a total blast - a full house, a great audience, and wow the people who run the joint are fantastic. So genuine. It's a pleasure to meet the real people, you know?

See the post below for some tidbits from our show shot by the fantastic Audacia Ray from The Village Voice blog Naked City.

village voice sex naked city - The Wet Spots at the Zipper Factory [Video]

2008-07-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

village voice sex naked city - The Wet Spots at the Zipper Factory [Video]

The Best Offense

2008-07-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

John Here:

There's been this giant shit storm over the past few days about the latest cover of The New Yorker magazine. It shows a cartoon of Barack and Michele Obama in the Oval Office. He sports Arab attire, she's done up like a Black Panther with a huge 'fro and a machine gun. An American flag is in the fire place, and a portrait of Osama Bin Laden hangs on the wall.

The blogs are aflame. The basic arguments are: "It's racist!" vs. "It's a brilliant satire of the Right's fear-mongering!"

Some claim that anyone who knows the New Yorker's editorial stance, its past covers or this particular cartoonist's (Barry Blitt's) style will understand the subversive twist to the image. Others respond that if you have to know the artist to get the art then the art fails. Some elitists worry that while smart city folk will get the joke, it will negatively influence stupid swing voters.

Back and forth it goes. Is it comedy or is it offensive?

Why can't it be both?

Anyone who has spent five minutes in a stand up club knows that good comedy always pokes at our sore spots. And race is the sorest spot in the USA. This New Yorker cover is absolutely comedy. If it had appeared in The Onion there would have been no uproar. They print far more provocative material than this on a weekly basis.

But what fascinates me is the debate over whether this cartoon is offensive. Some say it is. Some say it isn't. But both sides seem to agree that the quality of being offensive is something that lies within a piece of art or an idea itself. I find this idea sort of scary.

In my opinion this cartoon, like a great many things in life, is offensive. Offensive to some people. To which people? To those people who find it offensive. It is also inoffensive to those people who find it inoffensive. I believe that "offensive" is not a quality that hides in a piece of work and jets out at the poor unsuspecting viewer like a squirt from a gag corsage. It is an interaction that occurs between the prejudices, experiences, strengths, failings and pet peeves of the viewer, and those of the artist as he expresses them in a particular piece of art.

The reason I find the idea that art itself can be innately offensive scary is because it calls to mind this dreary sense of righteous entitlement that exists on both the left and right wings. I'M offended so YOU better fix it. It reminds me of the bad old days in the early 1990s when I was an undergrad. Under pressure, campus newspapers pledged not to include any content that was racist, sexist, homophobic or offensive. The problem was that anyone could take offense at anything for any reason. And they did. A handful of pedantic, barely post-pubescent thought police channeled all the political zealotry of their naive youth into developing glass-fragile sensibilities that could be shattered by a semi-flaccid penis joke. Their righteous rage triumphed for a while over good student journalism. Editorials became toothless. Debate withered. And the great tradition of tasteless collegiate satire died completely. (The sports page, however, did just fine.)

These days Cass and I are performing at a club called The Box in New York City. Rich people come here. Movie and pop stars come here. They come to see the sort of entertainment they can't find anywhere else. On the bill last night were erotic trapeze artists, a woman who pulls a doll out of her cunt and then pretends to fuck it, a mock fashion show in which the MC blithely comments "If you aren't a size zero, you're FAT! Keep doing the coke - it keeps you thin!" and... well... a couple who sings a song about taking it up the ass.

Is it offensive? Yes. And no. Some people would probably feel strongly enough to picket this club if they knew what went on inside. Others will shell out thousands for the best tables. Still others in the NYC performance scene find the club offensive because it markets downtown sleaze to an uptown crowd and turns a tidy profit doing it.

Some people cringe at the statement " I don't know a lot about art , but I know what I like.". I think there's a lot of humility in those words. The humility of a person who doesn't feel a need to force consensus in order to feel justified. The humility of someone who doesn't need to be right. By all means, judge art. Discern. Raise hell if you're moved to. Feel offended. Just realize the feeling is something that rises from within you. It wasn't done TO you.

2008-07-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks,

We just arrived in New York City last night, hot on the heels of hosting the Tiki Brunch at the first Toronto International Burlesque Festival on Sunday. What an event! It was such a treat to see the top talent from across North America all hung over together in one place! Actually, the performances were exceptional, and we were grateful for the opportunity to spend time with our friends from all over. After arriving last night, we had a picnic in Prospect Park in Brooklyn watching a free concert by the New York Philharmonic. My crush on this city continues...

CONTEST ALERT! you can win FREE TICKETS to our off-Broadway debut from The Village Voice! All you have to do is write a new verse for our classic anal health song "PSA". Click the link below for details:

http://www.nakedcity.com/2008/07/naked_city_contest_write_a_verse_for_the_wet_spots.php

This show is on Sunday, July 27th at the Zipper Factory Theater at 336 W. 37th St, NY, NY. Doors open at 7pm. Show 8pm. Tickets ($20) are available at (212) 352-3101 or www.thezipperfactory.com. Dinner Reservations are available at 212 695 4600. This is the same theater that hosted Margaret Cho's Sensuous Woman Cabaret last fall, so we're in good company.

O ya - The Zipper Factory holds 300, so we're asking all our fans: please forward this info to your friends in New York City who you think would dig this show!

A little farther south, we'll be playing two private shows in Washington DC on Friday August 1st and Saturday August 2nd. (For details on how to attend, click the links below.) These events will be held at:

The Crucible
http://www.the-crucible.com/
1816 Half St.

And on Sunday, August 3rd, we will be in Philadelphia with the Peekaboo Revue at

Silk City Diner & Lounge
435 Spring Garden St,
Philadelphia, PA 19123 • 215-592-8838

If you're a New Yorker and saying "@$%#&@@$$!!!! I can't make that July 27th show but I want to see The Wet Spots!" never fear! We have a few other guest spots in town where we'll do one or two songs. Drop us a line here for details.

Remember: Keep it slippery!

xo

John and Cass
The Wet Spots

Vagner in Scarborough

2008-07-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

John Here:

We're deep in the basements of Scarberia this week putting together a soundtrack for comedy web video maestro Kirby Ferguson. It's been a fun challenge, since the project is a mini-musical theater production. (Think West Side Story in three minutes complete with a fight scene and a romantic denouement.) We've been working with the amazingly talented Craig Riddock of MK Naomi and Reuben Cherry fame. He's been programming most of the dance sequences, knob twiddling (ahem) and showing us the ropes (ahem) when it comes to some new music software.

I fucking LOVE Logic and ProTools and all these audio suites. The technology is now at the point where you can make believable sketches of almost any type of music using the canned sounds that come with the software. Whether it's hardcore punk, gamelan or Vagnerian opera, once you learn the programs and some music theory, you can make a song that sounds authentic to the casual listener. We've been messing around with huge operatic kettle drums, orchestral strings, and blaxploitation clavinet to realize our demented Broadway visions. Back in the day you'd be spending several thousand dollars to rent all these intstruments, and several thousand more to hire trained players. Now we just dial them up in the drop menus and play around until it sounds right. I'm sure the Musician's Union might have a different opinion about robot trumpet players, but to me it feels like democracy.

New Videos!

2008-06-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

John here,

We just put up a whole bunch of new videos on Youtube and our website. They're (mostly) from our performance at the Sydney Opera House in February of this year. There are songs, awkward personal anecdotes and even some spanking footage from Seattle. It was quite an adventure getting our hands on the footage, but thanks to the audio magic of Adrian Buckley and the video discipline of Marcus Rogers (of Cinestir Productions) it cleaned up real good. If you click on the player below, it will present a pop up menu of several short videos to choose from. If you click on the arrow to the right of this pop up menu, it will take you to two more videos. Or you can just click here to go to a separate play list page.

On another note, Cass and I will soon be hanging out at the log cabin my grandfather built about 75 years ago. (How very Canadian.) There we plan to relax, write some more extensive blogs and hopefully even a new song or two. Any suggestions for subjects? What aspect of sexuality should we satirize next? We try to veer away from the gratuitously gross (ie. no felching fox trots) in favour of more universal experiences (sexual frustration, curiosity, obsessive crushes etc.) We'd love to hear from you.

Also - keep your eyes peeled at the Village Voice's online sex column for an upcoming Wet Spots song writing contest . Prizes will likely include sex toys, videos and a ticket to our New York City show at The Zipper Factory on Sunday July 27th. Details & ticket links for that show are available here

Okay. That's it for now. Kisses all 'round you lovelies. See you soon!

Nerds, you say?

2008-06-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

Cass here:

John was asking if we're nerds, and whether our fans are nerds. I'm wondering, what exactly defines a nerd? Wikipedia weighs in:

Nerd is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests that are age inappropriate rather than engaging in more social or popular activities. Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers.

This rings true, in a real way, about my childhood, and i guess in some ways about my present. I mean, I am obsessed with sex, but not sex in that booby-bouncing porno-chic addleheaded kind of way. I'm nerdy about sex. I want to know what people do and feel and think about sex in theory as well as in practice. I study the ways we relate to each other sexually and the ways we as individuals relate to sex. For the record, I am also geeky for systems and organization (love you, David Allen!), Sudoku, Language and etymology, old Jazz, Sideshow and Carnival history, costuming and design. Lately I'm on a roll reading Steven King. That's right, Steven King.

But there's a flipside to all of this - the world has moved on since there was one definition of 'cool'. It's kind of hip to be a nerd. Or a geek. But not a drip. Or a twat. Or a douche.
Just warnin' ya.

My favourite kinds of nerds are those that overlap with the art and alternative culture - the Burner Nerds, the Sex Nerds, the Hip-Hop Nerds, the BDSM Nerds (Lord Seth from Accounting, we salute you!), the Choir-Leading Monkey Cult Nerds, the Noise-band-electronica nerds, the Skater nerds, The Broadway nerds (OMG! The Broadway Nerds), the Polyamorous Nerds, and the freaks.

I like the freaks. A freak is like a nerd with that extra splash of extroversion, and a healthy dose of crazy. I love the people who don't give a rats ass about doing what's popular and who follow their crazy dream. Gabba Gabba we accept you, we accept you, one of us!

Was that nerdy? That was nerdy. I'm a nerd.