grass diaries

Post-Baby Body

2009-06-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

I consider myself pretty lucky with the post-childbirth body. I had no nasty tears; everything "down there" pretty much returned to normal. I'm actually about 10lb thinner post-baby, which seems to be the case with a lot of mothers who, like me, breastfeed until their child is eleventy-hundred years old. Speaking of which, saggy breastfeeding boobs? Not here! They look as good as ever, maybe better. Being an A-cup to start probably helped. (Mind you, I suppose this could change when breastfeeding stops completely.) And while my stomach isn't as flat as it once was, it's nothing to complain about. I have no shame sporting a bikini when I'm at the beach.

But every once in a while I get a reminder that pushing a baby out does have a lasting effect. Tonight it was the trampoline that did me in. Hopped up on it at a party, started bouncing, and promptly peed myself. And I didn't even have to go! Thank God I was wearing dark jeans.

Down the Hatch

2009-06-23T23:00:00.001-07:00

Too much works = really bad blogger.

One thing I did do recently was order a couple of parenting books. I kept hearing the words "No! Stop! Don't Do That!" come out of my mouth and it was getting depressing. One of the books is the Harvey Karp book about "Happiest Toddler on the Block." The other is "Talking So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" or something like that. I haven't had much of a chance to get past the first chapters for the reasons above, but I am getting some good info.

Both books emphasis the importance of letting your child know you understand what they want. Tell them what they are wanting - and then deny! Seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? But the weird thing is it seems to work.

Sample conversation a week ago:
Me: Time to go inside.
LM: No.
Me: Yes, it's dinner time.
LM: NO!!
Me: One more minute, then time to go eat yummy dinner!
Me: Okay, time to go. Don't you want some pasta? You love pasta?
LM: (Squeaking) NOOOOOOOO!!!!! OUSSSIDE! OUSSIDE! (Tears, flailing etc.)

New method:
Me: Time to go inside.
LM: No.
Me: Yes, it's dinner time.
LM: NO!!
Me: You want to stay outside don't you? You love playing outside? You'd really like to be outside all night wouldn't you?
LM: Yeah!
Me: I know you love to play outside but we have to go in for dinner. Do you want some dinner?
LM: ... (Comes inside without too much protest)

I have no idea why it works, but it does! Who knew a 21 month old craved validation? I will admit, it feels kinda dorky at times. ("You love the bubble bath don't you? You love pouring Mummy's $30 bubble bath straight into the sink? Isn't it fun to see all those bubbles go down the drain? But baby, there's no Sephora in this 'hood, so we've got to save that stuff!") But I've defused a dozen tantrums, at least.

One of the Karp methods failed though - he suggests growling and clapping to get a child to stop doing something as opposed to yelling "NO!" which never seems to work. He claims it is extremely effective. But the growl didn't work for me - just made LM laugh devilishly and keep on shovelling rocks in his mouth. I'm pretty sure at least one of them went straight down the hatch too. I've been watching for its exit.

He Won

2009-06-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

So after the past several weeks of consistently getting LM to sleep in his crib, I am done. Last night he woke up as per usual; I comforted as per usual; I sat in the chair in his room shushing from just out of view, and I thought, this just is not working. I am sooooo sick of repeating "sleepytime" and waiting for him to fall asleep, and hearing him cry "mummy?????" I have been up for an hour and a half every night for the past month, except for two or three times where I was only up 20 minutes. So I got the Pack and Play and set it up in my room and threw him in it. (Aside, why do we call them Pack and Plays? Why can't we just admit they're playpens?) He howled for 20 minutes.)

Anyway, at 1 a.m. he was back in the bed and my weeks of consistency (aside from one slip up in late May) were out the window. He's got more stamina than me. He threw his skinny arms around me and buried his face in my neck and was sound asleep in minutes. And so was I, so much so that I slept for 35 minutes after the alarm went off at 6:30.

We'll try again in a few months. But for right now, we're done. Guess he wasn't ready yet after all.

Seeing It For the FIrst Time

2009-06-14T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, lazy, lazy summer. I am loving these long warm days on the weekend. Always get a bit anxious on Sunday night about another 5 long days away from my delightful little boy. He is so sweet and fun these days.

Today he fell down and he said "Fell - bumbum!" and it was so cute because I have never heard him say bumbum before, and seriously, is there anything cuter than that word? I know I'm being nauseating, but really?

Right now he's babbling away in the bath with an intermitten "Uppa mummy" every now and then before he remembers that "uppa" is one step closer to bedtime. He's sucking on a rubber duck; that's bad right? I think I read a headline the other day that they are full of toxic poisons. Hmmm... he must have heard it too because he just threw it out of the bath.

He loves bike rides and trucks, especially "beeeeg trucks!" We went on the bus the other day and he was thrilled. We went on a boat today and his eyes were like saucers. That whole thing about seeing the world through your child's eyes? It really is pretty amazing. A bus ride become amazing. The first summer strawberry is a photo op. And bathtime, even though it's nightly, still brings joy. Man, I really love this job.

Gotta get off the computer and go play with the rubber duck.

The Joys

2009-06-09T21:24:00.001-07:00

There are some wonderful things about breastfeeding a toddler. But having him start referring to your, um, slightly more "endowed" side as "big mukmuk", is not one of them. Still, I couldn't help but laugh when he requested "big mukmuk" and then greeted it with "Hello big mukmuk!"

Planning Ahead

2009-06-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

So I am doing all this naturopathic stuff recently to prep for pregnancy again. Not sure exactly when we will start trying for #2. I go back and forth between TOMORROW and six to eight months from now.

LM slept through the night the last two nights which does make the fatigue and sickness of pregnancy seem more feasible. But I was so exhausted and sick last time. I'm having a hard time imagining doing that with (a) a full-time job; (school is just as many hours, but there's much more opportunity for procrastination and sleeping in) (b) having a toddler to chase after and (c) have a toddler who does not sleep.

My normal naturopath is very down-to-earth and research oriented. She just went on maternity leave and her replacement is far more new-agey. She does traditional Chinese medicine and cranio-sacral. I'm not sure what I feel about that, but I'm very much of the mindset that it can't hurt and it might help. I'm enjoying it. I did this treatment yesterday called Bowen Therapy (warning skeptics - very little research has been done on its efficacy) and I do feel sooooo much less tense in my back and more relaxed. I'm also doing a bit of a detox as according to them both, this could contribute to the hideous morning sickness I had last time.

Anyway, all to say that babies are on the brain from time to time, but I'd like to work at least one more full year, I think. So for now, the IUD stays put.

Mud

2009-05-31T22:04:00.000-07:00

I recently bought a sand and water table for little man. It was the first GINORMOUS plastic toy we have bought, and I kind of have a love hate relationship with it. Note - that picture is not of LM - it's of some other impeccably dressed children who are cheerily playing together and NOT dumping any of the sand on the ground. Seriously, this photo must have been snapped about 30 seconds into the photoshoot. Also, whoever christened this toy did not have a toddler. If they did they would have known that the name "mud table" is far more apt.

Sleep - I got a nice comment recently thanking me for my sleep posts, which made me feel good, because most of the time I feel horribly delinquent after writing them. (I would link the commenter, but I don't believe his blog is being updated, unless he is posting elsewhere?) I have come to the sad conclusion that LM just does not need as much sleep as the average human. I know Weissbluth would vehemently deny such a possibility, and tell me all would be solved by LM just going to bed earlier. But I think I'm right. My dad was like that - he could wake at 4:30 and function wonderfully all day. My older brother was too, as an infant. I am most definitely not like that. I'd love to sleep 10 hours a day if I had the time. The last few nights he has "slept through the night", 9 to 5. What is that, like 8 hours of sleep? I shudder to think - both for his sake, and mine. After 5, he will go back to sleep but only with us. It's impossible to get him back down in his crib then. But we are reclaiming some sense of an evening, and some consecutive hours of sleep, which is nice.

Health scare - thank God it seems to be nothing, but will be monitored. Hooray! I take nothing for granted these days. Well, that's hyperbole. Almost everyone takes most things for granted. But I'm trying to take fewer things for granted.

Highs and Lows

2009-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

I am such a bad blogger lately. Did I mention that I am now officially a lawyer? I am waiting for my gowns to arrive right now, and I even have a few court dates lined up to wear them to! Very exciting. Maybe if you're very, very good I could be convinced to post some pictures of me in my "court dress", incognito of course.

In other, not so good, news, D found a lump and is now in a rush to get to the doctor and make sure it's not, um, bad. I can't even deal with that possibility right now. I'm sure it's probably nothing, right? Reminds me, I should be doing my monthly breast exams. And so should you! (Well, most of you at least)

Boo Hoo

2009-05-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

I really, really, really wanted to go to bed early tonight. But I can't because my g*ddamn toddler is still awake! The sleep thing is killing me. My attempt at "training" a few weeks ago worked to a degree. He is now no longer nursing/feeding all night. But he is super addicted to us and will not relent! Last night he woke up an hour after going to bed and screamed incessantly until I finally held him. When I thought he'd fallen back asleep I put him in the crib and he wailed again until finally we gave in and just went to bed. It was 10 o'clock.

D is out of town and I just want 10 minutes to kick back and the kid refuses to go to sleep in his crib. I started to lose my cool and actually raised my voice to him for the first time. He is now wailing in his crib and I am steaming out here. Why can't someone give me a goddamn break and let me have some sleep? No wonder I've been sick for the last 4 months.

I know I sound ungrateful. I love that little man more than anything. But I need to sleep!!!

Seeds of Hope

2009-05-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Someone told me recently that it takes two months to form a habit. So I have a new resolution to be biking to work twice a week. Combining my commute with exercise seems like the perfect way to fit it in to a schedule that doesn't have a lot of "give" for me-time.

I ride through one of the most infamous neighbourhoods in Canada on my way to work. You might assume that it's a depressing way to go but I love it. Yes, it's incredibly poor and there are a lot of very fragile people around. But there's some hope there too. There are a lot of people down there trying to make life better for the people who live there. And in between the poverty and the occasional syringe (I've only actually seen one once) there are artists, gardens, cobblestones, hip furniture stores, beautiful early 19th century buildings. There is a sense of community there. It gives me some degree of perspective on my way to work at Big Law - on how lucky I am, and how I've got to make sure to use my "powers" for good and not evil.

Mental

2009-05-04T22:10:00.001-07:00

I've been dealing with someone new these days. Today he sent me the same document 3 times in 45 minutes, first as a copy, then directly to me, and then to me AGAIN. There was really nothing to say about as it was an FYI so I didn't respond the first two times. The third time I did to acknowledge receipt and then he tells me my timeline isn't fast enough. So I offer to do it sooner. And then he never responds. Ugh. I don't expect a thank you, and you don't even have to acknowledge every e-mail, but after doing a whole bunch of crappy work, I think some acknowledgment to say "Yeah, that sounds good" is common courtesy. He has never once replied directly to me except to tell me to do something, and has never even ended the e-mail with "And thanks."

Awake Is The New Sleep

2009-04-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while about LM's sleep in a while, mainly because I've just stopped stressing about it. When we travelled in January, his days of sleeping through the night ended; then he got a terrible cold when he was back and actually either he or I have had a cold since that time. So he's been joining us in bed again, which I have been absolutely loving for the most part, especially when it means his first wake-up is around 1. When that happens I get those precious hours alone and then a wonderful snuggle. I love sleeping with his little head against mine and often wake to find him cuddled in my arms.

But now that wellness is here again, and those wake-ups are creeping earlier and earlier so that's he's up at 9, at 10 and then restless for a good portion of the night, I'm thinking it's time to do what the sleep consultant ordered again - aka back in the crib.

It was spur of the moment decision to do it again, because as I say, there are many things I love about him with us. But last night he just seemed ready. I went in the first time and told him to go back to sleep and without much protest he was sleep in 5 minutes. And then an hour later he called again, I went in, and he fell asleep again in 5 minutes. At around midnight he had a very long wake-up of an hour or so, most of which we spend whispering "Ssshhh" or patting his bum. He stayed awake but he didn't ever cry for more than a 30 seconds and he only once asked to nurse. He had one more wake-up at 3:30; that time I fed him and put him back to bed, since I didn't want him to have to go "cold turkey" and by that stage he was desperate to feed. Then he woke again at 5:45 and slept until 8:30 (I'm sure due to the fatigue of that long wake-up). Yes, five wake-ups - pretty par for the course although when he sleeps with us, I barely wake up myself. Anyway tonight is night 2 of the "method" and hopefully we have a mostly cry-free night again. I'm sure if I can cut out the night feeds, he'll stop waking up. I feel much better leaving him with a sitter when I know he'll actually go to sleep without a fight and stay asleep.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, the whole sleep thing is so fluid. I'm sure he'll have good months and bad months and times when he sleeps with us and times when he doesn't. And I'm okay with it changing if he's sick, I'm sick or whatever. Someday when he's 19 and sleeping until noon every weekend, I will occasionally think back on this time and laugh. I will also think with nostalgia of his warm little head burrowed into my neck.

LM at 19 months

2009-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

So LM update - walking - he just takes off now! Our backyard is not fully fenced so this is a real problem for us. I doubt fencing is in the cards for this summer as we already have some major expenditures underway, but I may have to rethink that as I am constantly chasing him.

Also, he has a major obsession with stairs - going up 'em, down 'em, constantly. "Ders! Ders!" Luckily we live in a bungalow so we only have stairs to the den in the basement. His main use for those is standing at the top of them and throwing things down over the gate. We figured out not to go after anything so we just say "Bye-bye" and wave at whatever object was hurled down towards the television. He still throws things over but luckily he no longer tantrums if we don't go get them. He's also constantly pining to go out the back door and go down the stairs there. When we close the door, he'll do this silent scream and throw himself down on the ground. About 10 seconds later this heartbreaking wail will emerge. It's actually kind of funny, but also really sad, mainly because I remember what it's like to feel that frustrated (actually I still feel like that sometimes!).

Communication is good - he actually has tonnes of words and still signs a little bit. He's very focussed on what belongs to whom, so is always telling me "Daddy dees" (Daddy's keys!) "Mummy bike der!" (Mummy's bike is there!) There are also the words we don't understand. One sounds like baklava. Another sounds like usheedo. He says them to us over and over and we stare blankly and his little brow gets all furrowed, like he's thinking: What's with this woman and why won't she just let me usheedo?

He teases me too - like today when I was weeding I saw him drink out of the watering can... I said "Ick! LM, ICK!" which he understands to mean "Don't put that in your mouth!" So he looks at me, smiles and sticks his hand in again, then sucks on it with great gusto and says "Mmmmmm..."

Overtime

2009-04-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

You know what I've come to realise? I really don't mind putting in a couple of hours of work after LM goes down for bed. Realistically, I'd otherwise be surfing the 'net or watching TV, so I don't feel like I missing out on living. I'm not a productive baker, or seamstress at 9 p.m. but I can crank out a memo.

I don't like working during naptime though - I need that downtime to either put my feet up myself or to do something productive, like garden.

And I really, really, really hate going into the office on the weekend. Seeing LM's puzzled face after our weekend morning routine (lazing in bed, some books and playing, pancakes for breakfast) as I wave bye-bye - it's the worst feeling in the world. I thought about it all day and was racked with guilt, and annoyance at being away. D said that LM had the best day ever, didn't ask for me at all, and was in a terrific mood. Not sure that made me feel any better, honestly. I can be away from him 5 days a week, no problem. But make it six and it really starts to hurt.

I'm pretty lucky as lawyers go as I don't have to do that very often. But even once feels like too much.

Happy Chaos

2009-04-10T20:05:00.001-07:00

My last few posts have been rather depressing, but I am hoping that the horrific start to this year is now over.

In other ways, life is very, very sweet. I feel like I'm kind of hitting my stride in terms of balancing the work/mother thing. I no longer feel guilty about the time LM spends in daycare. For a long time I resisted thinking that it's a "good thing" for kids to be in daycare and I still don't subscribe to the idea that a child is better off there. But I'm starting to realise there are advantages. He loves the other children and 'talks' about them constantly and I think he gets a lot out of being there.

Despite all the trouble we had finding a place for him to go, I am so pleased with the situation we have. The woman who cares for him is so wonderfully patient and loving. I've watched her defuse arguments between the children, and she's totally the mother I want to be. (Mind you, she has lots more experience as her kids are grown!) And she talks to the older ones with such respect and kindness, answering their questions with an appropriate mix of gravity and mirth. While her home is modest, she keeps them busy at the community centre and other spots. And really, what more do kids need than some toys, some books and each other? So it's not the major centre I briefly envisioned him at, but I'm actually pleased about that. LM forms very strong attachments and for him this works wonderfully. He literally leaps into the woman's arms at the start of the day. It's really rid me of any guilty I might otherwise feel because it's as if I'm leaving him with a surrogate grandmother.

Work is fine. I am very busy these days but I am learning to find balance there too - to say no if necessary and to realise when something is urgent or not really.

And life is just good. Even on the tough days, I find myself able to find joy in the small things. I'm rarely super-stressed. And for someone who's dealt with a heap of depression and anxiety issues in my past, I feel pretty proud of that given that first few years of law career + working mother could easily be the most stressful time of my life. But I feel in control, at least most days - and what else could I ask for than that?

Oh and LM finally started walking! It only took 18 months but he's full on racing now! I can't believe my baby is now really a little toddler now. He does and says something adorable every day. This one was taken awhile ago when he would only walk holding our hand.

Dear Uncle G

2009-04-03T21:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle G.

It's been a hard couple of weeks. I can't believe just over two weeks ago you were here and we had a conversation about Aunt E's life, and death.

I guess I learned to be careful what I wish for. With Aunt E, I kept thinking that the sickness dragged on and on. I think at one point I even blogged about wanting less time. By the time she left, I'd already mourned her for six months. I miss her terribly but when she died, I'll admit, a part of me felt relieved. But you were gone in just a few seconds, or at least that's what the coroner said. And this is so much harder. For me that is. I know it was probably easier for you.

It would be a stretch to call you a father figure, but you were basically the only older adult male who played a significant role in my life over the past few years. I'll miss that. Everywhere I look there are reminders of you - a pair of gloves you left, a beer you made, a book you bought for LM, or a sleeper, or a toy. I'll keep all those things, but it breaks my heart to think there won't be any more. Your presence will fade away.

I am angry at you too. I'm mad that you never saw a doctor. Maybe they could have detected this - maybe they could have prevented in. Hearts are fixable things these days - just look at those late night talk show hosts having heart surgery and going on to host more shows. Don't you know we needed you? Didn't we have plans?

And I feel guilty too - guilty that I took you for granted. I thought we had more time and I've been so busy with work and Aunt E and LM - I tend to get a little wrapped up in myself. I thought we'd get to go to a football game, to have you over more, to take another family trip together, to go for lunch on the Drive again. I want you to know that when I first moved to this city the first time, 9 years ago now, you were my best bud. I'm so glad we got to know each other that way and become friends.

I know you weren't perfect, and you knew that too. You were actually a pretty weird guy. One of my earlier memories of you is about you talking about some obscure battle in British India. You were obsessed with weird military facts. And you could be pretty politically incorrect - which is kind of weird since you were pretty faaaaaar left. Plus you teased your sisters mercilessly.

Your place was so tidy when I went over. It was almost like you were expecting me. Your will was ready - your taxes done. Almost like you were preparing to die even though I know that was the farthest thing from your mind. All I had to do was clean up the blood and erase the porn off the computer. And put away the full glass you had out. I'm really sorry you didn't get to enjoy that one last drink. Maybe you're toasting us somewhere in heaven. I hope so. And if so give Aunt E a hug for me.

Sad Times

2009-03-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

I know this whole, "my family is so insane" thing is probably getting old, but my family is SO insane. This week has been horrid. So much so that even work told me to take a few days off and deal. I was fine - composed and everything, but when they heard what was going even the workaholic law firm was like "man, sounds like you need a few days off."

My uncle was found dead in his apartment. Which was awful. I was shaking and terrified when it happened - had to call his daughters. Had to call the coroner. Had to call the funeral home. Had to tell my mother her only living sibling was no longer living.

The next day my younger brother and I went over to his apartment and cleaned up the blood off the floor. He'd fallen. We didn't know why. His glasses were lying on the ground soaked in blood. We didn't know if it caused his death. A drink was sitting, unfinished on the ledge.

Thankfully the coroner called me and confirmed it was a massive heart attack and not the fall that killed him. Why does that make it better? I don't know. Maybe it seems more inevitable and therefore less tragic?

Then there was the funeral home debacle. My cousin say there gleefully picking out flowers, urns and music and then, when presented with the bill, announced she had no money. Which we knew and it was fine - we (our side of the family, not me personally) always intended to pay. We offered, and she just nodded and kept on talking. No "Gee thanks for shelling out $7000. I'll get ya back later when I inherit part of his estate..." ARGH! We'll present the bill when the estate is administered, but still... ARGH!

This probably doesn't sound that bad itself isn't so bad if you don't know how evil she is.

But this might illustrate it.

By way of background, she can't keep a job for more than a week, and has borrowed or mooched thousands from my deceased uncle and aunt, none of which they ever saw again. So tonight I got a Facebook message from my uncle's best friend, the man who called me crying Tuesday to tell me what happened, the man who found him, who is in a very vulnerable place right now. Also by way of background, this guy has NO money to spare. He and my uncle work blue collar jobs and live pay cheque to pay cheque, socking away what they can here and there. The friend tells me evil cousin has asked him to come over and take some of my uncle's things. Part of me thinks, "Hm... has she cleared this with her sisters?" But I decided to not get involved. Then I get another message from him saying that my cousin is claiming she cannot pay her rent and wants to borrow money from him!!! And what should he do, because really he doesn't have any money but he wants to help her? So the plan to "give" him some of my uncle's things was really just a way to lure him over and ask for dough! I am SOOOOOO furious with her I can barely speak. I called him to say that if he loans her money, he should be aware he will never see a penny of it again.

I am so furious. And I'm furious that instead of just being allowed to grieve for my uncle, a man who I was very close to, I am having to deal with this crap.

Sleepless Nights

2009-03-25T01:43:00.000-07:00

Sleeping is not generally something I have a problem with. But I've had lots of sleepless nights recently. My uncle was found dead in his apartment yesterday. I got a call from a friend who had been told by the friend who found them, and then had the lovely task of calling his daughters, attempting to figure out what to do with his pets, calling my mother (his sister), dashing across town to talk to police and then just starting to process it all.

Now I'm just lying in bed dreading going over there tomorrow, wondering what I'll find, and feeling so incredibly sad. C'mon universe, I know you can do better than this.

Time Off

2009-03-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

This was the first weekend in a while that I haven't had to work at all, and it's amazing how much more refreshed I am. I hate having to spend naptime madly looking into builder's liens matters or drafting memo on bankruptcy law (a growth industry, for sure).

A few fun things have happened on the workfront. First, I had my first hearing on my own - like a mini-trial. Yep, got to cross-examine and everything. Now this was a tribunal hearing, so it was a little less low-key than an actual court case, but it was still an amazing experience.

Second, I thought I messed up at work and had a horrible sleepless night about it; the next day I talked to a partner about it and he was SO nice and reassuring. I was like "I think I may have messed up..." and he said "I doubt that". Then when I explained what happened, he was all "it's so not a big deal" (I'm paraphrasing that second part.) So it was nice to feel.

Anyway LM wakes so I must run.

More Details

2009-03-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have thought about that last post a bunch of times and debated taking it down, because it's really not my secret to share. But after nearly erasing it a couple of times, I've decided that the likelihood of anyone who knew my aunt stumbling across this blog and piecing together that it was her is slim to none.

I did some inquiring with the one person who I thought would know - just hinting and testing the waters. I guess I'm transparent because she verified that yes, 40 years ago my aunt put a child up for adoption. She got pregnant and was shipped off by her parents to one of those homes for unwed mothers. Her child, a boy, was born and sent out for adoption. Only one or two people in this whole world know about it, although I have widened that by telling my brother (and, I guess, you.)

It's shaken me pretty profoundly for several reasons. First, how could our family keep such a secret? We're so bland. I never in a million years would have guessed that she was hiding something like that. I think of my pregnancy and talking it over with her and getting her to feel the kicks, and never realising that she had been through that herself too. I think of her holding LM, I think of talking to her about the man she loved, her inability to have children - I can't believe it never once came up. She wasn't exactly one to keep secrets - she talked so openly about everything. Either she was extremely ashamed or harboured a lot of sadness about it.

Second, how on earth could my grandparents have done that to her? It makes me very angry with them. They were perfectly well-off and certainly could have supported her. The thought of being sent somewhere to be pregnant and give birth alone, and then to have your baby taken away, well, it fills me with sadness. To think my grandparents were so embarrassed by it that they hid it. It's gross. I wasn't there and don't know the details of how it was arranged, but the whole idea makes me feel sick.

Yet it explains so many things... she didn't exactly have the happiest life and I can't help but wonder if this wasn't part of the reason why.

And of course, it makes me sad that this child will never get the chance to meet her and she will never meet him. Apparently she did put her name on a registry, or try to contact him a couple of times, but nothing ever came of it. Maybe he didn't want to meet her - I know not everyone does. I'm probably being slightly dishonest in feeling sad for him - I also feel sad for me. It's selfish, but I would like to meet him. Somehow I don't think that will ever happen.

Skeletons

2009-03-08T22:07:00.001-07:00

Had a pretty shocking day today. Was over at my aunt's today going through her papers to find out all the things I need to take care of, and I found a crumpled old letter. Actually, D found it. He was like "Who's JW?" And I said "I have no idea."

In my aunt's handwriting the envelope was marked "Details of [JW], born Jan [x], 1968." The letter was addressed to her and postmarked 1987. Inside was a typewritten commentary that looked older than '87. It took me a few moments to process, the letter had headings like "Details of the adoptive mother" and "Details of the adoptive father" finally "Details of the adoptee." The adoptee was JW, whose last name at birth was the same as my aunt's, and who was apparently was a "very happy baby" who slept through the night from 5 weeks on, and was sitting up very well by six months. JW had (has?) blue eyes and blonde hair. The letter said the adoptive parents believed the most important thing for a child is a loving home and they believed in letting a child chose his own religion, although they themselves were Protestant. They lived in a three bedroom home close to modern amenities, including shopping. There was so very little on that page, and yet so much.

In 1968 my aunt was barely out of her teens. In 1987, the date of the postmark, the 'baby' would have been 18 or 19, so about the age one would perhaps attempt to contact an adoption agency to get info on such a child. My aunt had a hysterectomy in her mid 20s and never had her own children, or so I was told.

I can think of no other explanation than the obvious - my aunt gave up a child for adoption. I have so many questions but I don't know that there are any answers. I have no idea what to do with this information, if anything, or who knows it. This being an executor is some heavy, heavy stuff.

La la la la life goes on

2009-03-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

Looks like this crappy pay cut of D's is going to happen - there's been some push back but all in all it seems sort of inevitable given the financial straits the company is in. It does not leave me with a happy feeling, particularly when he had to go to work tonight and plans to be there all weekend. How's that for motivation - work more, get paid less. Yahoo.

There were layoffs at my office too. Not lawyers, but support staff. Really nice people too - makes me very sad. Good time to be doing employment-related law - more and more of that is across my desk every day.

Oh well - I can't worry about things too much.

Little Man is loads of fun these days - I love getting little message at my work where he says "Hi!" and then "Mummy" and then "ba ba ba." He has these tiny little plastic animals purchased by Grandma and he makes them walk and climb chairs and yowl out their little animal sounds. Also they get and give lots of kisses with big smacking noises. His cat sound is the best as it's sort of an pained meow - no doubt prompted by the reaction he gets from his own cat who constantly rebukes him when he gets too friendly (as he inevitably does).

He wants to do everything we do - put on headphones, talk on the phone, use a fork and spoon, tap on the computer, flip through books or whatever. Everything except walk that is - every now and then he'll psych us out and stand up and lurch forward two or three steps only to sit with a grin.

Life is good.

In other news I am irritated that Blogger won't let me use any of its fun features or new templates just because I am self-hosted. I want a tag cloud and I don't want to do have do a tonne of coding to get it.

Recession Diet

2009-03-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

I was just at a child's birthday party. Of the 12 or so grown-ups in attendance, two of them have been laid off in the past month. D's employer announced last week that they were laying off people and wanted everyone else to take a "voluntary" 10% pay cut. And yeah, forcing someone into a pay cut is totally against the law, but suing your boss is sort of a career limiting move, and not too many people can afford to be career-limiting in this economy.

D is already itching to leave and do an MBA. So there's a very real possibility that I have to become the primary breadwinner, which will be a major shift for us. Right now I make the same amount I did 8 years ago - less in fact. When I'm a bona fide lawyer in a couple of months, that will go up (thank god!) but it still won't be near what D makes now. So we have some lifestyle adjustments to make.

Anyway I think I need to go on a recession diet. Gone is the spending $150 on a sweater, or spending $4.00 on an organic smoothie to go with my $8.00 sandwich. It's time to hunker down and stop the spending. Food (within limits), mortgage, daycare, home phone, cellphone (since I just signed a 3-year contract) - these are the fixed expenses. Everything else is discretionary. Internet - moving to lower speed. Turning the heat down. Cable - already gone. Groceries - no more expensive premade meals, or fancy snacks. Lunches - going to bring my own at least three times a week. Morning latte - nope. Weekly Sunday brunch at our favourite resto - moving to biweekly, and no fancy side dishes. Garden - going to be growing our own produce.

I am not a budgeter; I am not one to worry about money. I always have the attitude that something will work out and I'm a complete impulse buyer. I don't think my personality is fundamentally going to shift - and frankly worrying about money is not going to help. But I think a sensible set of rules and restrictions might make the next couple of years a lot happier for us. I want D to be satisfied and fulfilled and he isn't getting that right now. We don't need him to keep making what he does now. But we have gotten used to it, and change is always uncomfortable.

I'm curious - how are you finding ways to save money these days?

I Should Think of A Better Title Than 'Ramblings' Because I Think I Already Used That One

2009-02-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

As usual lots of disparate thoughts in my head.

Can't wait until I never have to do another minute book review. For the uninitiated, when someone buys or sells all or part of a company, they like to review the minute book, which contains all the corporate documents, to make sure everything was done above board. So you read through all these meeting minutes and corporate documents and try to find some anomaly - like Joe Smith director didn't sign his consent to act as director until a week after he was appointed. Ugh - boring. And even when you feel really good because you find something, you tell the person in charge and then it seems to just drift off into a blackhole and you never hear about it again. (Well, if you're me, you hope you never hear about it again! Damn I am going to jinx myself here.) So it feels kinda meaningless too. Countdown until articles are over and I can refuse to do that stuff on the basis of my non-corporate department status.

Second - ran into a bud of mine from my bar course at the courthouse. (Another bonus to litigation versus corporate - running into people you'd never otherwise see at the courthouse.) We got into a great chat. He was asking me about having kids, I was telling him it was hard but awesome. And then I asked if he and his wife were thinking about it. "Nah, we broke up." he said. Shit! He didn't seem to upset about the overly personal question but it struck me, I'm at that age now where my friends are becoming divorced. I really am getting old.

Three - hm - no way to segue this with the other two topics. Hitting! I was at a dear friend's house and her kid kept HITTING Little Man. I had no idea what to do. The hitter is almost 3. The first time it happened I thought it was a fluke, and comforted LM. I guess I didn't want my friend to feel bad, or for her to feel like I was mad at her child, so I tried not to get upset. She told her son not to do it and he seemed to listen to that. But soon after he lunged after LM again, giving him a real pummelling. He was sent to his room but soon came out again. Obviously I was distressed and got on my knees to run interference. Later the little dude went for LM again so I gently pushed him back before he could get him. He had a meltdown and screamed, and I felt bad for pushing him, but if the alternative was hitting I'm not sure what else I could have done. At that point I realised the visit should be cut short. For some reason I think he tried to go for LM for time #4 but the details are foggy.

Anyway - what do you do with that? My friend feels like a pariah. And between you and me, her child has been like that for a while. When he was 15 months he pulled LM's newborn hair when LM was sleeping in the swing. When he was 2, he threw a hard plastic ball at LM's 9-month old head. And now this. I guess the only thing I can do if I want to remain her friend is make sure that our activity doesn't involve any opportunity for the kids to interact - a walk in the stroller perhaps. What would I do if LM was like that? I think I would remove him entirely from the situation, which my friend didn't seem willing to do (and which I should have made happen sooner). Apparently her son does this all the time - I had no idea.

What would you do if your child hit like that? Is there something you're supposed to do that I don't know? LM is generally pretty good - when he gets rough, we remind him "gentle" and he will start patting whatever he was formerly tugging or yanking (usually the cat's tail). He flails his arms when really upset or angry but has yet to deliberately hit me (or anyone else as far as I know). He was also apparently unphased by the hitting because he had no sense of self-preservation in terms of avoiding this child. I like to think that it's because of his sheltered happy existence - and that he assumed it was a fluke, like when mommy accidentally opens the cupboard door into his head (only happened once - I swear!). I know that some day he may turn into a hitter despite my best efforts, so I try not to judge. Still, it really sucks to see your kid get beat on when he's just trying to groove out to the "demo" on an electronic keyboard.

So there are more topics, but to avoid this becoming a complete and utter ramble I will save them for another day.

Sweet Dreams

2009-02-18T22:40:00.001-08:00

My aunt died today. I was there. It was peaceful. I won't say it was fast because she has been dying for months. But it was kind of sudden - one moment she was there and the next she wasn't. I kind of want to record somewhere what it was like - to be with someone dying. I read the pamphlet in the waiting area for loved ones called "Preparing for a Loved One's ..." can't remember the word they used, was it Death or Passing? Anyway, so much of it really happened just like they said in that brochure. Almost every symptom. But it feels kind of unfair to record that all here for posterity.

Instead I will just like to say she was a very generous person. She gave more than she got. She was stubborn, and sensitive. She was blunt and upfront. She cared very deeply about people and would do anything for those she loved. She had a very interesting life and helped a lot of people through her work. She was kind of a psychic and was very into reading people's auras and their tea leaves and all kinds of things. She had several very close female friends who have just been devastated by this happening. I was comforting one this evening and part of me wanted to say, hey, comfort me!

It's tough, when someone is ill for so long, to remember them before the illness defined them. But this is helping. I'm still in a lot of shock - usually when I send out a "family" e-mail it's to her, my mother, my husband, my brothers and their significant others. I guess now I don't add her to the To: line anymore. That will be weird. As will the family stuff - no Christmas with her, no Thanksgiving. I have some regrets - I wish I'd hung out with her more on mat leave. But part of me knows that's okay - hindsight is always 20/20.

I also want to note that we had amazing care - not just her, but all of us. The nurses were so wonderful and kind and thoughtful. They gave us hugs and brought us ice cream. People complain a lot about Canada's health care system, but it's amazing. She had so much support throughout her cancer. She had access to experimental treatments, alternative treatments, fantastic oncologists, a nurse who visited her at home and so many other resources.

When my father died of cancer he was treated at one of the best teaching hospitals in the U.S. (we lived there then), and I don't think the level of care was any better. The community resources (like the home-visit nurse) were certainly not as good.

I went swimming tonight with LM and he was so happy and joyful. I have so very much to be so very thankful for.

Anyway it's been a real long day. G'night and sweet dreams. xo