PurpleHaze

WDD Eve

2009-11-13T18:38:00.010-06:00

World Diabetes Day. My first thought, as through most of my post-diagnosis days, is “this isn’t fair”. Why is diabetes affecting the lives of so many across the globe that we have to have a day for it? No fair whatsoever.

I am no longer in denial of my diabetes. And blogging has helped to nurture a positive attitude, but it also brings me close and up-front to the struggles that a lot of fine people go through. As I come to know more people and consider them my friends, I get mad as a hornet knowing what db does to us, on all levels of our existence. The want to strangle the monster until it disappears in a mist of vapor.

I have many days when I’m filled with optimism - and rightly so. Research and technology are advancing exponentially and I expect many more improvements yet to come in my lifetime. But I don’t expect a cure. And so here I am, stuck in the foreverland of being a person with diabetes.

I don’t know if it’s the stage of life that I’m in, or the fact that my mother is on the home stretch, or my job insecurity, but lately I’ve been feeling very nostalgic and thinking about growing up and times gone by. Some surprisingly poignant and lovely memories have crept out of the shadows, like berry picking on my g’ma’s farm, and ice fishing with my dad, and sneaking away to go shopping in a “big town” with my high school girlfriends.

Tonight on the eve of WDD, I remember my relatives who have died from TiDM.

The first person (that we know of) was diagnosed in 1945. Age 9. She died 7 years later. And several more died after that.

These people who shared my bloodline

- had to boil their glass syringes (as one of my TD friends put it, “the needles always develoved barbs on them so they hurt coming out as well as going in”
- had to put urine and a fizzy tablet in a test tube
- had to adhere to a ridgid exchange system, where there was no room for a pancake or brownie
- did not have ACE inhibitors to protect their kidneys
- did not have statins to control blood lipids
- faced across the board job descrimination
- had no publications, support groups and Online Communities to help with the difficult emotions.

There should probably be a whole other day of remembrance for those who died before the discovery of insulin.

But tomorrow, please don’t forget the people who bravely faced life in the early days of insulin. Let the strength of their collective spirit carry you forward when you face challenging times.

All of us, old/young; type 1/type 2; pumpers/pokers; newly diagnosed/veterans are in this together. The ocean refuses no river. Do something nice for somebody tomorrow. Trust life. Press on to a better future, for all of us.

Click here for lyrics to the song below. You won't be disappointed.

Stranger to My Kin

2009-08-13T19:00:00.002-05:00

Last weekend I went with my sister F and niece E to a family reunion in my home town. I agreed to go because F is close to a couple of second cousins who were visiting from out of state and I agreed to stick pretty close to my mom, in case she became disoriented.

TIDM is prevalent in my extended family. My g’ma had 11 siblings and my dad had 78 cousins. It was the generation of the children of the 78 cousins that developed db - no cases outside of that (yes, I still get anxious if my nephews ask for a refill on their pop).

So, there have been 34 of us diagnosed - the first in 1949 and the last in 1995. 19 are dead, with the rest of us in various states of health. Many of them live on the west coast so only myself and another man represented the db contingent of the family at the gathering. I have never spoken with any of these people about living with db. I don’t care to.

We were also celebrating my M’s 82nd birthday and had brought a big cake to share. F was cutting it and E and I passing out pieces.

My great-aunt L was there with her identical twin sister, B. B is obnoxious and outspoken and rude. She has never been a favorite of mine.

L has a grandson with T1, now 35 years old, in a nursing home. He had some major strokes a few years. ago and is essentially unresponsive.

So, I line the little paper plates up my forearm and head over to where L and B are sitting. The conversation went like this:

L: Now, who are you?
K: I’m H’s daughter, Kathy.
L whispers to B: She takes those shots too.
B: How awful. I can’t think of anything worse to have.
L: Neither can I. Terrible. Just terrible.
B: Why are you carrying that cake? You can’t have cake.
K: It’s my mom’s birthday cake.
B: But you can’t have any.
K: (smiles and contemplates smashing the cake in B’s face)
L: No, she can’t have any.
L: Did you know that they had to cut off part of G’s foot before he died? It was from the sugar.
B: Why, most people who have it are just skin and bones. You don’t look like you’ve missed many meals.
K: Yes, I am thankful that I have enough to eat when so many are starving across the globe.
B: Do you get those terrible pains in your legs like W’s kid?
K: No, I don’t.
B: It’s horrible. Just horrible. And to think you can’t have your mother’s b’day cake. Why are they making you serve cake you can’t have?

By then the conversation was starting to pierce my armor, like a knife twisting its way around my heart. I was feeling vulnerable.I I was close to tears and wanted to yell, “yes, I have diabetes but I’m not a freak”. Then it seemed to me that everyone in the room was staring at me, commenting to themselves that over there is one of “the diabetics in the family.”

No, I did not feel like sitting down and calmly talking about my treatment routine. B just wouldn’t get it. It would have been wasted effort. And I also didn’t want L to start talking about her grandson - do you think I need to be reminded about what db can do to a person?

But I wasn’t seeing the entire picture. B is a bitter lady, being very envious that her twin had a relatively comfortable life and B hadn’t enough to make ends meet. That sort of history can make your attitude spiteful and distorted. Maybe it validates one’s misery to focus on all the hardship in the world.

B: (pointing to my niece) Who is that girl? How did she get invited when she’s not one of the relatives?
K: That’s F’s daughter, E. She became a member of our family 5 years ago when F brought her home from China.
B: Well, I’ve heard those Korean orphans are all the daughters of prostitutes.
K. Maybe so, but she is very precious to us and we love her a lot.
B: Did they check her for worms when she got here?
K: (you’ve got to be kidding).

Well, by that time I sure didn’t want any cake, nor the variety of casseroles (made with condensed soup and attractively garnished with pimento) that were served later.

I said to F, “I need to get out of here”. and she agreed. So we took M back to the residence and I got in the backseat with E to work on old Beatle songs, which we practice in the car. She has tired of “Good Day Sunshine” and moved on to “Yellow Submarine”. Then she reminded me how much she dislikes the White Album.

F suggested we stop at Red Lobster, since we both were famished. We split a big platter of shrimp and crab, and the events of the day were blamed on small town living, old age, and the cake that “I couldn’t have”.

Phantom Carbs?

2009-07-25T21:12:00.004-05:00

I was in Target today, without a shopping list, and magically my cart became full. Who would have guessed that I needed that much stuff?

Right by the checkout stand was a big display of this:

SoBe Lifewater - "vitamin enhanced water beverage". See that big "0 Calories" at the top of the label? Cool. Sounds yummy. And on sale for $1. I took a bottle of the mango melon flavor.

I got home and was unpacking my stuff, and started to read the back label to see what vitamins it was enhanced with. Yes, I frequently make unwise choices with regard to self-care, but I always read labels. Maybe I'm just curious.

2.5 servings per bottle. 6 gm carbohydrate per serving. SAY WHAT? How can something have carbs but no calories. Carbs and proteins have 4.5 calories per gram; and fats have 9 calories per gram. If I drank the entire bottle, that would be 15 carbs - enough to certifiably treat a hypo.

What is it that I'm not getting here? Someone please explain, or else I'm going to have to call the 800# on Monday morning.

CVS To The Rescue

2009-06-20T20:07:00.007-05:00

I got to work on Friday morning and was going to have some shredded wheat for breakfast. I opened my purse, and, no insulin. Rarely does this happen.

We have no pharmacies within walking distance of my office. It's an hour bus ride to get back home. I needed all the time possible to prepare for a lunch meeting with some people from our corporate headquarters so could not afford to leave the office even for a few minutes.

I get good coverage from my basal insulin, and could easily do without breakfast. And probably lunch, also, for that matter. But, I did not want to draw attention to the db and sit there not eating anything and having to explain that not only do I have a medical condition, but I forgot my insulin.

Called a Walgreens a couple of miles away. No they do not deliver. No, they knew of no pharmacies that did.

Called a couple of independent pharmacies. Same story.

Called CVS and was immediately talking to the pharmacist. "Are you okay at the moment?" I told her I was fine and needed the insulin in about 3 hours for prandial coverage. "Well, normally, if an order is called in prior to 11 a.m., we'll guarantee delivery by 5 that afternoon. But this is a special case and I'll see what I can do and call you back."

Bless her heart. This dear woman phoned back in about 10 minutes and said she had contacted a private courier service that would get the insulin to me. I explaned that I knew Humalog was a prescription item but I was willing to go with Humalin, which is not. I gave her my credit card number and 30 minutes later the courier delivered the little paper sack. Our receptionist called me and said "Kathy, some man brought you something from the drugstore and he said to be sure you knew it had to be refrigerated right away".

So, the day was happily saved by the professional kindness of a stranger. And, there was no additional charge for the courier. On Monday I am going to call the CVS corporate headquarters and see just who should get the letter commending the people for good work.

I guess an obvious question would be why didn't I have the Humalog script transferred to the CVS pharmacy? Well, I had left a message at my pcp's office first thing. They returned it at 2 that afternoon, after the meeting was over. I know them well enough not to expect a time-sensitive response. Aaarrrrgggghhhh!

We work with the facts of the situation. And sometimes are pleasantly surprised.

Time Thief

2009-05-24T19:09:00.010-05:00

Last Monday, I had the pleasure of celebrating my oldest nephew's graduation from the University of Minnesota.

(Isn't he just impossibly cute?) Yes, his mother cried. Yes, I cried. I had such a big jumble of emotions inside me, I had to sit down on a bench for a couple of minutes.

Never, ever, did I expect to still be living on this day. And yet here I am, with 35 years of db under my belt. I work and support myself. I am a valued friend and family member, and contribute to my community. At present I have nothing to be p-ssed off about. Except the years that db stole from me. Or, were they the years I willingly gave away?

I remember the day that L was born. My sister called me at work, and after I hung up the phone I went into the supply room and cried among the sticky notes and rubber bands. Not tears of joy, but tears of rage because I mostly likely wouldn't be around to see this little boy enter first grade.

Their family lived about 4 hours north of here, so I saw L maybe 3 times a year. Sure, I sent birthday cards and Xmas gifts, but, I kept my distance because I didn't want him to know and love an auntie who dropped dead in her 30's. (Yeah, I know. Makes no sense to me now).

It wasn't until he came to Minneapolis to start college that I let down my defenses. I invited him to lunch. He had initially intended on becoming a pharmacist so it was no problem for me to test my blood in front of him. Each time we got together, our visits became more intimate and all the years of distance dropped away. I know that he and I talked about things that he was not willing to discuss with his parents. And I'm thankful he felt confident to share these issues with me.

So, off he is going to his first job as an actuary at the State Farm Insurance headuarters in Bloomington Illinois. And, I'm full expecting to be around to dance at his wedding. Yes, it's a strange feeling. But I'm okay with that.

Heck, why not really tempt fate and fully expect to be around to dance at this little gal's wedding?

No her mother did not forget to wash her face. E had been to a birthday party with a lady bug theme. Hence and red and black dots.

John Lennon said that "life is what happens when you're making other plans". Well, I guess I was planning to die. And now I'm planning to live. Don't know for how long. Let's just leave that open.

Ipod Shuffle

2009-04-24T18:16:00.004-05:00

My favorite fun thing, the Ipod Shuffle, is once again circulating on the OC. I consider music to be a primary healing force in my life. So, then, why couldn't I find my Ipod? I have no idea where it is, but I did find what I think is the charger.........I took these 20 off my ITunes shuffle (and now that i've gotten going, will be playing tunes for the rest of the evening).

1) Purple Rain - Prince
2) Farther On - Jackson Browne
3) Midnight Rider - Willie Nelson
4) The Very Thought of You- Natalie Cole
5) Amelia - Joni Mitchell
6) Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
7) Tenderness - Stppenwolf
8) Fortune Teller - Robert Plant and Allison Krauss
9) How Can One Woman Be So Mean - Buddy Guy and Junior Wells
10) Smile - Tony Bennett
11) Carnival Town - Norah Jones
12) Travelin' Band - Creedence Clearwater Revival
13) I Want to Satisfy You - Leon Russell
14) Harvest - Neil Young
15) Brownsville Girl - Bob Dylan
16) Crazy Love - Cassandra Wilson
17) Sweet Baby James - James Taylor
18) Raining in My Soul - Guy Davis
19) A Case of You - Diane Krall
20) Somewhere Down the Crazy River - Robbie Robertson

Ok, so I'm old.

As far as rock videos go, I always watch this when I'm feeling low on energy - watch these guys rock the blazes out of an old hit

Sprouting in the Dark

2009-04-05T20:25:00.009-05:00

Last Christmas I received a flower bulb kit from one of my nephews.

I forgot about it until a couple of weeks ago when I was thinking about spring clothes and discovered it in the corner of my closet. I thought that the bulb was perhaps dead from not being tended to. I had to look twice when I opened the box, for there it was, sprouting and with green shoots coming out the top - in the dark! Mercy.

I put it into soil and the perfect spot on my windowsill. And here is what we have today.

Gosh, neglected, discarded and still the potential to bloom. I know, of course, that bulbs represent the dormant/resting stage of a plant. But still, this seemed like a miracle.

In March I passed over the 35 year mark of having diabetes. It still floors me. I took it for granted that I wouldn't make it much past 20 and was absolutely certain that I'd be dead before I reached the 25 year anniversary. ..........sigh.........and here I remain today. Since I started blogging, I wonder if things would have been different in the early years had I had an online community to talk with. After all, the only examples of pwd's were my relatives, most of them suffering from debilitating complications. I didn't know anybody who was living well with db. I only knew that at family gatherings the conversation would stop when one "of us" walked into the room. And then there'd be the hushed commentat that she "takes those shots too". My small town family practitioner knew nothing, and that was not his fault. When I was in the hospital he just kept increasing my single dose of NPH until the fasting glucose the next morning was within range. Sheesh - how did any of us survive?

I believe it is because life, all living things, have within them the greatest of potential for survival, just like the bulb in my closet. I believe that it's never too late for good control, and I believe that the possibility for renewal and healing are always close at hand. Sure, I gave up on myself many many times. But by grace or fate or fortune, was always able to rise back to the surface.

Spring has arrived here in Minnesota. The snow is gone, the sidewalks are dry and the trees will soon be showing new growth. Tomorrow I will wake up to a handful of oral meds, needles, lancets and the certain assurance that I'm still happy to be here.

Test Strips MIA

2009-02-18T17:50:00.002-06:00

I sure hope I don't have to write too many more posts about the mail order pharmacy. This is getting irksome.....

In mid-January I had my primary fax them a prescription for test strips - 8 per day. I checked my account online that evening and it said "processing order". A week later it was still processing, and a week later as well. I called and the woman said she'd have to do some research. 3 days later I found out that under my new plan, the max that are covered are 6 per day, and since mine was for 8, they had "put it aside". Put it aside? Give me a break.

I squawked a bit and a supervisor said that since it was their error, they would overnight me the supply. I explained that there would be no one home to sign for it, but standard mail would be just fine. No problem.

Two weeks later, still no strips. I had a great day off for President's Day, and upon coming home in the afternoon noticed a cardboard box laying on the sidewalk near the door to my building. I picked it up to take to the trash, and, guess who it was addressed to? Why me!

Yes indeed, inside were 6 boxes of One Touch Strips, along with a large bottle of what turned out to be anti-seizure medication (which I've never taken).

Fortunately it was a warm day - about 30 degrees. I made a quick call to One Touch and they said it was okay if the strips had sat outside for a couple hours. Just don't use them until they've warmed up.

I was telling my neighbor about this and he said "great - you can say you never got the order and then have a bunch extra for free"

Why not? I sort of liked the idea and scrambled to come up with moral and rational reasons to do this:

1) I have had db for 35 years and deserve a break
2) Express Scripts is a huge profitable company and can esaily absorb the loss
3) I didn't ask for this to happen. It's UPS' fault
4) Had the timing been different, somebody else would have come along, opened the box and then tossed it
5) It would be really nice to have an extra suppply as a cushion - for sick days and such
6) Because I had not signed for the pacakage, it would be impossible to prove that I'd received it

I was still pondering the swhen a couple of distractions put it aside. The next day at work, ES called to see if I'd gotten the package. I reluctantly said yes, and added, for drama, that it was laying in the street. The woman said "well, once it's been turned over to UPS, it's out of our hands". Gee, lady. Thanks a lot.

I am not a model citizen. I smuggle pop into the movies. I have gone fishing without a license and exceeded the speed limit. I have stolen driftwood from a state park.

If the same think happens again, there is every chance that I'd respond differently. But sometimes it's just easier to tell the truth.

The Mail Order Pharmacy

2009-01-26T18:52:00.002-06:00

In 2009 my wonderful HMO was dropped by my employer. We switched to Empire Blue Cross and a mailorder pharmacy which shall remain nameless. Last year my insulin co-payment was $15/vial and I could pick it up at a neighborhood drugstore 2 blocks away. This year it is $25/vial and has to come in the mail.

I began researching this back in November, when we were first notified. The conversations went something like this:

K: Hi, I'm going to be on your plan in '09 and have type 1 diabetes. How is the insuln shipped?

ES: How do you spell that?

K: Spell what?

ES: Whatever it is you wanted shipped.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well, I knew this was going to be a long process. I found out that insulin is shipped overnight in cold packs.

2nd call.

K: Hi. I,m trying to get something figured out here - I take insulin and know that you ship it overnight. I work during the day and I cannot receive personal mail at work. Whar are my options?

ES: We can leave it with a neighbor.

K: All my neighbors work too.

ES: We can leave it by the door.

K: It was below zero here today.

ES: Then you might want to be careful it doesn't freeze.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next day I speak with my boss, who says that due to security regulations, I cannot receive personal mail at work. Maybe I should rent a mailbox.
Closest PO Boxes are 22 blocks away. Hmmmmmmm. don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry

A few days later I enlist the help of our company's Health Care Advocate. She says don't call ES at night as they are losers. We'll call during the day and ask to speak with a supervisor. I secretively dash into a private office at lunch and the advocate and I call, get put on hold, and soom I must return to my desk.

The next day I'm walking home from the bus and have a revelation as I go past the Fed Ex/Kinkos store in my neighborhood - maybe it could be sent there and they could hold it for me? Go in and ask the manager, who looks like he's about 12. "oh, I've never heard of that - I don't know if we can or not".

3 days later, stop in when there is a more "official" looking person behind the counter. "Sure, we do it all the time. Just have it set to youself, care of us - you can track it onlne and the day it's delivered stop by and pick it up." Whew. Problem Solved.

Call ES.
K:I would like to have my insulin shipped and held for pick up at a Fed Ex location - is that okay
ES: Well, we can't guarantee that.
E: Why not?
ES: Sometimes that doesn't work. I think you'll have to speak with the pharmacist, but they're not here at this time of night. We let them be home with their families.
K; What is a pharmacist going to be able to tell me about shipping?
ES: Just call tomorrow during regular hours.
===================================================================================
Me and the advocate call ES during the day and ask for a supervisor.

"Sure, we've done that before - just look your account up online, get the tracking number, and watch to see when it's been delivered to the store. Should work just fine?.

Well. I feel about 60% confident that this will work. One of my co-workers just told me today that they got 24 month's worth of her husband's migraine meds, when they were supposed to get 3. Luckly they were only charged for 3.

DB sure teaches us various aspects of problem solving. I feel sort of smug that I figured this out, and majorily pissed off hat I had to do it myself.

Practice Vlog

2009-01-18T18:34:00.004-06:00

I have been very curious about putting up a video here. (Up until last week I didn't even know how to take videos with my camera.) Becoming a blogger has taught me a lot of things, aside from those related to db. Cool.
This was taken last weekend, when we went to visit my mom in a smalltown west of Minneapolis.

The Winter of my Frozen Face

2009-01-03T16:51:00.004-06:00

I have enjoyed reading everybody's recaps of the closing year and hopes for '09.

My holidays were reasonably nice - quiet, simple and stressfree - just the way I like it. I thought that I was cruisin' along quite balanced, until a clerk said a bright "happy new year" to me on Friday and I burst into tears. Yes, it startled me too.

Annual holidays always bring many thoughts of fear into my mindset. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can go wrong with diabetes in a year. Fear shouts to me, "where will you be a year from now, Kathy? - Think of all those decades that you did't take care of yourself. They're bound to catch up with you, sooner or later."

For whatever reason, my image of fear is a Humphrey Bogart man, dressed in a shabby trenchcoat, fedora hat, smoking a cig and standing at the end of my sidewalk, sneering. In the recent years, I have developed some pretty good skills to ignore him. So he comes - let him stand there as long as he wants. Just don't invite him in for tea and cookies. He will soon get tired and go pester someone else.

This winter we've so far had 13 days where the temperature has dipped below zero. Last winter, our total was 3. A co-worker and I were talking about this and she remarked that it's harder to deal with knowing that we've got at least 2 months remaining. It would be a lot easier to tolerate if the end was in sight.

Well, the end is never in sight with db, and that's what's been difficult these last days.

So, in the meantime, we all do what we can. I put on my fancy high-tech face mask (designed so that your glasses don't fog up).

And, if necessary, my Mary Poppins hat.

No, there isn't much of a smile under there, but a certain satisfaction in the fact that I know I'll be comfortable at the bus stop.

And, there is also a satisfaction in knowing that if I do all that I can to take care of the db, then I will probably be here a year from now. Maybe with some amazing adventures to look back on.

Happy New Year to all my friends. May you be served with peace, joy, and fulfillment in 2009!

Phase 2 Mittens

2008-12-05T19:20:00.005-06:00

Shucks, winter is here. We are getting some heavy snow right now - that's Minnesota for you.

I am thankful that I have a big supply of warm clothes and accessories. Inluding my walk to the bus stop and then the wait, I can be out in the elements anywhere from 10-30 minutes. It's best to be prepared.

These are my Phase 1 gloves, from the Dollar Store. I always lose them so will buy 4 pairs at a time. Phase 1 weather is between 20-40 degrees.

Then we come to Phase 2, about 0-20 degrees. These are mittens I knit and the pattern called them "Traditional Latvian Mittens", but we all know that things change over time and continents. There is another wool mitten inside, but, they are really not as warm as they look.

And finally, when it's below zero, we have to call on the big guys. The Phase 3's are lined with goosedown. I ordered them from Canada 10 years ago and guard them with my life. See that big diagonal ridge? That's where the down has lumped up, but if I put them in the dryer on low, the lump will disappear.

Today was a Phase 2 day. As I was getting ready to get off the bus, the woman next to me said, "oh, are those the mittens with that insulin from 3M"? Obviously she meant
Thinsulate, a synthetic product made to add warmth to outdoor clothing. I told her no, they weren't, but I had some insulin in my purse. She replied, "well, that's good - you can't go wrong with a nice warm handbag".

No, I guess you can't.

D Blog Day - Convenience

2008-11-08T14:25:00.010-06:00

I am in a bad mood. And, like a lot of people, it's about money.

A couple of weeks ago my '99 Honda Civic, Phoebe, began having some problems. Hondas are good cars, but the older ones are vulnerable to headgasket problems, which are expensive to fix. I was looking at a bill of close to $4000, which was a lot, but I thought I could swing it.

That same week, we were told at work that there would be a 10% paycut, begining in '09. We also had 2 lay-offs in my office, leaving the rest of the staff feeling irritable and anxious. Then we got our benefits info for '09. My HMO was no longer offered. I will be switching to Blue Cross and my cost per pay period will rise from $58 to $125. I currently am paying nothing for test strips, but next year will have a 10% co-payment. I also pay nothing for lab tests, but next year another 10% co-payment. All of these 10%s can add up to a lot of dough. Some of the younger people with good health are choosing to not have insurance at all. I cannot take that risk.

I am giving up the car. At least for now. Minneapolis has a reasonable public transportation system, and I am already taking the bus to work. I won't have to shovel it out for snow emergencies, or worry about it starting after a stretch of below-zero weather. I have lots of warm clothes and the extra walking will do me good.

I can clearly feel myself blaming the diabetes for this. It is convenient to blame the db for everything that goes wrong in my life.............

I am getting old and don't like it...blame the diabetes.
I think I saw a strand of grey hair ...blame the diabetes.
I am no longer comfortable wearing high heels all day and feel like a frumpy school marm in flat shoes ...blame the diabetes.
My dvd player is broken.. blame the diabetes
My neighborhood is no longer quiet and quaint...blame th ediabetes
Winter is coming to Minnesota...blame the diabetes.

Last weekend I was out doing errands. It was cold and gray. Then, I came upon this (and fortunately had my camera):

We had already had a hard freeze, yet still these little guys were showing themselves, magnificent against the shriveling brown vines. And, my favorite shades of blue. Now, had I been driving in my car, I would have missed out on this blatant message that there is goodness and beauty around us - just keep your eyes open.

This next year I'm going to try to put the db into it proper place in my life - and shoot, I don't know what that might be. Too much focus and I am preoccupied and overwhelmed and conveniently dump all of my discontent into the db box; too little focus and I feel unwell and my life is shortened. DB is just one of many threads woven into the structure that we use to define ourselves. And I need to decide where it fits in.

Happy D Blog Day to all of my precious friends. You're the best!

Walking on Eggshells

2008-10-01T18:42:00.004-05:00

This last weekend, my sister F and niece Emily made the 70 mile drive to central Minnesota to look in on my mother. We'd received a call from assisted living that she was coughing a lot and also very tired.

We took her to the dr, who said that she "perhaps" had pneumonia. They couldn't tell by a chest x-ray because there was too much scar tissue from the emphysema, nor could he tell by listening to her lungs. I said "pneumonia is very serious in someone with existing lung problems, right?" He then muttered that we should hope that it was pneumonia, which could be treated. Worsening emphysema cannot - one just progresses further down the tunnel of poor health. My M does not have much of a margin left before her quality of life is totally hosed.

So, it was not a happy visit. On the way home, Em and I were sitting in the backseat, playing travel bingo and working on learning some old Beatle songs. I took out my meter and lanced my finger. Em said, "wow - is that blood?". I told her that yes, it was blood, and that I was going to put it on a little piece of plastic and then a number would show up on the screen. We waited and looked at the number. I told her that the number tells me what to do next to take care of myself.

A few minutes later we pulled into a gas station and F turned around and shouted "don't you ever do that again - Emily is traumatized". Well, that was news to me. Em was singing "Good Day Sunshine" somewhat offkey but with a lot of gusto.

In truth, it was F that does not want to be reminded that I have db. She was very close to one of my cousins that died from it a couple of years ago. None of my immediate family has ever seen me take an injection, and I've always discreetly treated my hypos. It's a lot to keep up with. But no, I musn't upset anybody.

When we got back to my place they both came in to try on a sweater that I'm knitting for Em. F was in the kitchen and saw a piece of paper on my frig. Plain and simple, it is a list of all my meds and db stuff that I need to pack when we go home for my M's final days and/or funeral. F knew that and then again blew up. "You've already got her dead and in the grave - how can you think like that?" I calmly told her that the list had been written 9 months ago. I took it and moved it to the side of the fridge.

F is a high strung person, and my M's illness has been difficult for her. She refuses to talk about the funeral when M brings it up, but, I have. I don't know how to handle these episodes but to keep my mouth shut and not stir the pot.

I've talked to my friend Elise about it and told her that I was willing to make the compromise so that I could be a part of Emily's life. She said, "but there's no compromise involved. You are letting F dictate all your actions - she is not giving up anything". Hmmmm.

Well, hopefully she's cooled down. I'm tired of tiptoeing, and need to take the stage front and center, with everything that belongs to me. DB and ailing mother included.

Complicated Fear

2008-08-19T16:53:00.006-05:00

I have had two moments in my db career disrupted by a fear so acute that I felt like I was being devoured.

One was 12 years ago, when I tried Lantus and ended up with a "reaction" which put me in the hospital for 8 nights with symptoms of heart failure. That was a lot of time to think about death and disability. (My heart is fine.) The second was 6 years ago when I had emergency surgery for my detached retina and had to lie face down, not moving, for 7 days as it healed. The doc said the outcome could be anything from being able to recognized shapes to possible 20/60 vision. I recovered to 20/30 vision and remain one of his "best success stories".

I figure that at some point my luck will run out...................and thought I was at that point a month ago.

I'd had a high fever for a couple of days with no other symptoms. I went to Urgent Care and the doc was mystified. She kept going down the list and said in addition to a chest x-ray they would do a urinalysis to see if anything showed signs of infection.

After a long wait back in the exam room, the doc came in and asked if I had kidney disease. I told her no, and that my last a/c ratio (albumin/creatinine ratio) was normal and that had been done 4 months ago. I told her that I had some urine spillage about 6 years ago that subsided after I started on an ace inhibitor. She explained that I had a "huge amount" of protein in my urine and I interuppted and said "well, that could be due to an infection, right" and she then said there were no other factors which indicated an infection and that this was probably "acute onset diabetic nephropathy".
Oh. My.

I got home and my inner monologue was something like this - "....ok, ok.........so my kidney's might be failing.......maybe it's early in the process....... maybe I've lived long enough.........maybe I'll die and then not have to deal with all this crud anymore........". One of my relatives had just been taken off
the kidney/pancreas transplant list because his condition had weakened to the point where he would not survive the surgery.

The next morning I called my pcp's office and asked that the doc review the notes and call me back. The nurse phoned back in 20 minutes and said "the dr. wants to see you immediately - you need to come in today - we'll make room for you". Gulp. By then I was in that robot-like numbness where I send myself when things get too scary.

Dr. Steve came in the room and said that yes, this was a problem and needed to be addressed. We'd start with a 24 hour urine collection. Fortunately, the creatinine level in my blood was normal, but, it doesn't start to elevate until about half your kidney function is gone.

So I waited a few days to calm down and then did the collection. I brought the jug to the lab on July 17 and was told that my pcp would call me with the results, usually within a few days. The next week I jumped every time the phone rang at work and held my breath while listening to my messages at home. I made a couple of significant errors at work and was overtly mean to a couple of good friends. No news.

The next Monday, the 28th, I called the clinic and said I wanted the pcp to call me with the results. I was told he was on vacation. I asked to speak with his nurse and no, only the doc can give you the results. I asked to speak with whoever was covering for him but never got a call back.

I decided that I didn't care if I was dying or not - and conveniently erased the prior 3 weeks from my mind and stumbled about on auto-pilot.

Then, last Friday, August 15th, I got a letter from the doc. He wrote "Kathy, your kidneys look good. I don't know what the episode was about but presently there is nothing to indicate any damage or to be concerned about. See you in 3 months.".
Soooooooo.......I wasted a month of summer walking around like a zombie. I am too emotionally exhausted to be angry, and then, who would I be pissed off with? Maybe it was a lab error; maybe it was the body trying to tell me that I need to pull in the reins and improve my control; maybe it was a higher source reminding me that I am very lucky. Sigh..................

On a closing note, we have a lovely party last weekend for my mom's 81 birthday. She has had several major episodes of illness in the last 2 years and been in assisted living since February. Sometimes when I call her she is in la-la land. But, on the day of the celebration she was extremely good, as you can see on the picture. With her is my precious niece, Emily. Em came to be with our family just before her first birthday, and cracked open all of our hearts with the soft tap of one tiny finger...........sniffle, sniffle.

Dr Steve

2008-07-12T19:24:00.004-05:00

Dr. Steve is my primary care physician. Because I do not pump and do not have an A1C over 8, my insurance will pay for one endo visit per year. The others are with the pcp.

Last Tuesday I was at the clinic for cholesterol bloodwork. I got there at 7:30 and knew that I was crashing - the really bad crash where you sweat buckets. The phlebotomist came to get me and I stood up but did not follow her - just stood there. I was able to explain that I was T1 and low. She said, "oh, my aunt has diabetes and she takes Glucophage" (what's that got to do with the price of eggs?).
She asked me my date of birth and I couldn't remember. She asked me how old I was and I guess I answered correctly. Then she had to peel all the little labels off my sheet and carefully attach each one to a tube. Finally the blood was drawn and she brought me a can of juice which I gulped in one swig. "You're feeling better now, right?" I stumbled out to the reception area and fell into a chair.

I got up to Internal Medicine and sat in the exam room for 50 minutes. I do not like sitting in exam rooms - I get freaked out and my mind races about illness and death. The copy of Ardhitectural Digest was of no interest. The nurse came and took my bp and it was 135/75. That upset me more. Plus, I was exhausted from the hypo and my hair was flat and stringy from the sweat.

Dr. Steve came in looking quite frazzled. He said my LDL was 118, up from last time and that in pwd it should be less than 100. "Let's get started on Zocor right away."

I respond how I usually do - started crying. I was upset and then started spewing off how I felt like I was always a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper and no one at the clinic treated me like a person. Poor guy, he did not deserve this. I have been eating poorly -making very unwise choices, using my mother's illness as an excuse. I was not surprised at the higher reading.

I need to cut the doc a little slack. After all, the numbers on the paper give him the information to make the proper decisions for my care.

He left with the agreement that I would try a small dose at night for 6 weeks and then we'd retest and reevaluate. No biggie.

Patients who have a high bp reading must at the end of their appointment go into another room and have three more readings done at 5 minute intervals by a machine. By then I'd calmed down and the average was 116/68. Good.

Yesterday I got the letter from Dr. Steve with all my results on paper.

Note how he altered the salutation...............that meant a lot to me.

Don't Blame the Bagels

2008-07-02T18:13:00.003-05:00

When things go wrong on the db front due to me ignoring the facts, it's very tempting to put the blame outside of myself. DB is so hard to live with. I hate it. Blah blah blah.....

I work in an office of 90 people. It is an unwritten tradition that people bring treats on their birthday. Usually it's bagels, because Brueggers is nearby and they deliver for free (!!)

If asked the question re which food really plays havoc with my bg, bagels are near the top of the list. Those dang bagels. They always cause me to spike. It's not fair.

But it isn't really the bagsl's fault. A standard Brueggers bagel has over 60 grams of carb. I did not realize this until 10 years ago when I was in the hospital and the dietician was discussing what I usually had for lunch. I told her I brought my lunch to work but on occasion I'd go and get a bagel sandwich. She told me that a B. bagel had four carb exchanges. Yikes.

I am very sensitive to carbs in the morning and sometimes even delay breakfast until about 9 a.m. My ins/carb ratio is 1/5 at the beginning of the day, but by evening I'm at 1/20. Thinking from a logical standpoint, there is no way that I'm going to come through 60 grams of cho at 7:30 a.m. withput a spike. Rapid acting insulin is great, but it can only do so much.

So this morning when we got the "treats in the lunchroom" e-mail, I had to consciously remind myself that a better choice would be to take 1/2 of a bagel and save it for later in the morning. It worked. And involved only a small compromise.. Hopefully I can practice this enough times for it to become automatic, minus the self-pity.

To the collective bagel community, I apologize for casting you as the villain. Please forgive me.

Happy Independence Day. Enjoy the long weekend, travel safely, and cherish the freedom and opportunity this country affords us.

No Way

2008-05-31T18:41:00.009-05:00

I had a bone scan a couple of weeks ago and am going to get the results this week when I go for my pcp appointment. I am already very anxious about yet another test, waiting for results, and maybe having to take yet another pill. No way!

In addition to insulin, I also take oral meds for blood pressure, thyroid, ace inhibitors for my kidneys, antidepressants and sleep meds. As each one of these was added, I felt an immense sense of failure - yet another thing going wrong with an already trashed body. Maybe I'll have to get an extra-large M - S compartmentalized pill box - my current ones barely fit now. I hate it...............

I need to reframe this mindset. Many of my relatives did not make it to the 34 year anniversary, and I have. As we age, we all tend to get "regular-people" stuff. I am convinced that the ace-inhibitors played a big part in returning my kidney function to normal. And, the anti-depressants help me to not run through my days from one crazy woman meltdown to the next. I have already broken an ankle. If I have thinning bones, then another med may protect me from a broken hip, or something worse. I have good insurance to pay for these drugs. So, if necessary, I can do this.

Today while coming home from the grocery store, I dropped my keys on the edge of the sidewalk. There was some really beautiful foliage growing adjacent to it, and after taking a closer look, discovered that they were Lily of the Valley leaves, and that there were tons of perfect little flowers hidden among the leaves. So I picked a few (well, actually, sort of stole them, but I don't think anybody cared) to remind me that as we go through our days, little bits of pleasure are priceless.

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See Birdie's post dated May 27 for discussion on a similar theme.

Have a great weekend.

"10 Things" Meme

2008-05-16T19:44:00.004-05:00

Donna, my fellow Lynryd Skynryd and Chicago fan, has tagged me for the "List 10 Weird/Random Facts About Yourself" Meme.

1)My real name is "Kathy", not "Kathleen" or "Katherine". My favorite uncle always called me "Katrina".

2)When I was a little tyke, I used to go ice fishing with my dad. Ice fishing was very well depicted in the "Grumpy Old Men" movies. You sit in a little wood house and drill a hole in the ice and drop your line in. You shouldn't talk as it might scare the fish. Then you drink something hot from a thermos. Then you go and visit the other houses. Finally, your toes are numb and it's time to go home.

3)My favorite fragrance is gardenia.

4)In 1972, when I was in high school, my girlfriends and I took my dad's car (without permission) and drove to St. Cloud (where Milemaster Sarah lives) to see our very first concert. We did not know much, if anything, about the performer, but heck, it was a real true concert. The artist's name was Elton John.

5)Several years ago I worked weekends at a living history farm. It depicted life along the river in the 1800's. I answered questions and told people not touch anything. I wore the full costume, complete with ankle boots, bloomers and a corset under a long sleeved dress with high collar, plus a bonnet. It wasn't too bad until we got into summer - try being enthusiastic about the settlers when every inch of your body is oozing sweat and you can't breath......

6 My next door neighbor has two standard poodles, names "Arthur" and "Guinevere". They are often out walking as I leave for the bus. During the winter, he lets their fur grow shaggy for warmth, and each spring gives them the traditional pom-pom cut. Well, today they had gotten their cuts and were so stuck-up they pretended not know me - prancing around like they were royalty. (I love them anyway.)

7)I do not like the insulin pens - find them much too bulky - I can squeeze a couple of syringes and two vials of insulin into a very small zippered pouch, and that works fine for me.

8)I have a habit of buying way too many birthday cards - probably have a couple hundred. When someone's day is approaching, I lay some of them out on the floor and spend long moments contemplating which one to give. It is such a hoot to find the absolute perfect one, that I may have bought years ago before I even knew that person.

9)Both of my grannies were first generation immigrants - my mom's mother from Denmark, my father's mother from Norway. There was a bit of competitiveness between them regarding traditions and customs, but they both enriched my life beyond measure.

10)About 10 yewars ago, when I was trying to make a difficult decision, I went camping by myself. I chose a big family type campgrounds where I knew there would be lot of people close by. It was the most frightening night of my lfe. My imagination got away from me and I was certain there would be a big sharp knife slashing through my tent, with some psychotic prison escapee reacy to chop me up.
That night of fear helped to put things in order, and when I left I was thinkng clearly about the situation and very confident about what to do next

Any other weirdos out there? If so 'fess up and consider yourself tagged.
Have a great weekend, everyone.

Five Things................

2008-05-10T20:03:00.002-05:00

I’ve been tagged by BetterCell for the .
"Five Things You Can't Learn From A Book" meme.

I would strongly agree with everything said by those who have already posted - great wisdom and insight. Thank you all. Here are my 5 to add:

1) Complications do not make you a failure. I have dealt with retinopathy, frozen shoulders and a trigger finger. It would be really tempting to blame myself. Yes, I had long periods of time when I didn’t take care of myself. Part of it was lack of the proper tools in the early years; part was my long-standing depression; part was the fact that I had witnessed several relatives die from db and I didn’t think that I had a fighting chance, no matter what. I currently try to keep in mind that all of us living with db face a big job, every day, and we all put forth a noble effort, depending on our circumstances. I am proud of that.

2) It is never too late for improved control. Just start where you are and move forward.

3) If you come to a place where you need oral meds, such as for hypertension, it’s okay. Several people have blogged about being upset when they had to start “yet another” prescription in addition to insulin. Be thankful that there are drugs available to help with a variety of ailments.

4) Question authority - that means doctors, nurses, pharmacists, CDE’s, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc. Just last month my pharmacy switched to a new supplier for synthyroid. When I got home with my prescription, I noticed that the pills were a different color and different shape. I called them and the pharmacist, who I’ve known for years, said, “gosh, Kathy, we dispense a ton of this and you are the only one who asked…….”

5) Laugh when you can.
Cry when you have to.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Sussy Epilogue

2008-04-01T20:00:00.008-05:00

A couple of months ago several db bloggers participated in the first certifiably cool and awesome Sussy Circle.

My sussy was Amalas, who sent me some lovely yarn

Here is what I made.

No, it is not a wall hanging. It is a scarf/mini shawl.

Since I only finished it a day ago, it will be new and fresh for next winter. As I carefully folded it to be put away, I thought of all of my db blogging friends, of my love of the craft, and of the many, many days of warmth and sunshine that will come my way before next winter.

Enjoy the season of hope and renewal. Happy Spring.

Meme

2008-03-26T17:36:00.007-05:00

SuperGeorge, also known as "skinny", has tagged me for the Six Word Meme.

I trust life (between the lines).

Since the rules have already been printed a b'zillion times, I'm going to skip them here.

I tag: Molly, Log Cabin Heidi, BetterCell, Lili, Zazzy

Mom (and Me) Update

2008-03-17T17:38:00.002-05:00

Landileigh left a message on my last post wondering how everything was. I guess it's rather rude to describe an upset in one's life and then not keep everyone advised as to how things are going.

My mother made it back to our hometown and was placed in a skilled nursing facility. Three days later we got a call saying that she was retaining a lot of fluid and might have to be rehospitalized - another "wait and see" situation. It resolved with an increase in the diuretic pill. My sister, niece and I went to see her that weekend and I was shocked to see that she was in a wheelchair. I tried hard not to cry. I spoke with the charge nurse and she said "well, most of the residents here are in wheelchairs - we just don't have the time to get them walking".

Can you imagine how hard it was not to bop that woman upside the head? Mom had obviously weakened since she was in the hospital here in Minneapolis. That Monday, when the nursing supervisor was back on duty, I called and told her that we wanted her in physical therapy immediately. She asked if she was able to walk before the crisis and I told her yes, she walked quite well. I guess nobody had documented it and they assumed she couldn't.

So now they have determined that she can transfer to the "intermediate" facility, which are small studio apartments with your own furniture. She will eat all meals in the dining room, but can also have a microwave and little refrigerator in her room. We are planning to do that move weekend after next.

She wants to talk about her funeral. I was willing to do this, but my sister said "don't put her in the grave before she's dead!" and stormed out of the room.
Yup, emotions are running high between all of us. My sisters are twins, 7 years younger than me and we at times don't communicate very well. It takes tact and patience.

I still have the crud, plus a urinary tract infection, so have been on nonstop antibiotics for a month. The doc said the respiratory thing "has a tail on it" and I could expect to be coughing for several weeks. "Ordinary people illness" is double crummy on top of db.

Our branch audit by the New York Stock Exchange was a great success. Now it's just the stock market in general that's not doing so good.

I want to tell you ALL how very touched I was by your comments - wnat a beautifully supportive community. I had a session with the family therapist that I've been seeing since M became ill and told him about the OC and TuDiabetes. He said, "do you mind if I write those websites down? I have several patients that might benefit from something like that."

Of course, I gave him the addresses. Embrace the good and pass it on.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody.

The Many Layers of the Black Umbrella

2008-02-27T18:42:00.009-06:00

The last couple of weeks have brought a lot of junk into my life - like a big black umbrella blocking out the sun.

Several days ago my sister phoned me to say that my 80 year old mother was being helicoptered to a major hospital in Minneapolis from her small town in central Minnesota. She has been struggling with both emphysema and heart failure and her condition was serious.

I raced over from work and found her on the cardiac floor, hooked up to tubes and machines but still smiling and saying she was glad to see me. I spent the night in a recliner in her room, getting up every so often to pace the halls because my restless leg syndrome was acting up. The next day the woman who helps her with housekeeping said she'd found 11 days worth of untaken meds shoved in a drawer. The doctors concluded that the episode was brought on by noncompliance with her diuretic, which helps control the buildup of fluid. I asked her about this and she said she was sure she'd taken all of her meds.

They got her through the physical crisis and suggested an evaluation for cognitive function. Even though I knew that she was failing mentally, I heard myself tellng the social worker that I didn't think it was necessary. (Yeah, Kathy, just refuse to face it and maybe it'll go away.)

The day of the evaluation I woke up with a raging sore throat and fever. I went to the Minute Clinic in Target and was given some Zithromax and told that I absolutely could not visit anyone in the hospital until my fever had been gone for 2 days.

As I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling, I started to feel these great waves of fear and sadness - thinking about her death and also my death (maybe from diabetes) and what lay between. I microwaved a Lean Cuisine but forgot to take any insulin, and later in the day my bg was 470. I corrected, but really didn't care. I was sinking deep into the "life is hard and then gets harder" mindset.

My mom's evaluation determined that she has "moderate dementia" and cannot live alone primarily due to the possibility of medication error. She also will not be driving anymore. My other sister had driven to M's home and found a large array of unpaid bills strewn about, and a frig full of old food. Two more days and her utilities would have been shut off. She had fooled us, always saying everything was "ok".

She transfered to a full care facility in her town this last Mondayand will remain there until an apartment becomes available in the assisited living wing. I did not get to see her because I am still not well. I went to my internist and he said "well, your lungs sound good - I guess you'll just have to wait it out". Last night I was coughing so hard my neighbor above me came down to see what was going on. After I shut the door I started crying, asking why everything has to happen all at once.

Now this afternoon I got an email that I have to be at work tomorrow because my company was visited with a surprise audit from the New York Stock Exchange, something which happens about every 10 years.

I am ready to blow a gasket. I am not good at dealing with multiple stressors. If anyone has any magic tips, do tell.

A Wonderful Sussy Came My Way!

2008-01-29T16:28:00.000-06:00

Last night I came home from work and my sussy had arrived. The box felt very light and made no sound as I shook it. I also did not recognize the sender's name and could make no connection with the return address...................hmmmmmmm......

Of course, I opened it without taking my coat off. I had said my favorite color was vibrant blue and that I collected beads and yarn. I was impressed to open the box and see beautiful blue tissue paper. Inside the tissue was a lovely cloth bag, also in blue, with something soft and squishy in it.

At the ends of the drawstrings which closed the bag were two little blue beads wrapped in wire.

I opened the bag and it contained two skeins of luxurious yarn - Peruvian alpaca/wool by Cascade Yarns and kettle dyed merino yarn by Malabrigo. Mercy - this person must be a crafter herself, for she knows her stuff! (Aplaca is yarn made from llama fur; merino is from a particular kind of sheep, known for its softness.)

The gears in my head were already cranking with ideas for what I would make from it.

After taking off my coat, I folded the bag up neatly. But wait, there was something else in it. Beads. Blue beads. Beautiful blue beads.

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My sussy is Amalas, over at Plastic Pancreas. We have not met, but I am hoping to have a very interesting and talented new friend. Thank you, Amalas, for the thoughtfully chosen sussy. I will be sure to put up a pic of whatever I decide to make with the yarn.

And super thanks to the soul-sisters,Amylia and Beth for organizing this very fun activity.