I'll have an iced vanilla latte...

the only thing that can make lady gaga better is christopher walken

2009-11-02T22:13:00.001-08:00

A dramatic reading.

NYT: Give the Phillies the Respect They Deserve

2009-10-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

That's fucking right, New York Times.

October 21, 2009
Sports of The Times
Give the Phillies the Respect They Deserve
By WILLIAM C. RHODEN

Philadelphia

For the last nine days my in-box has been flooded by angry e-mail messages, mostly from fans of the Philadelphia Phillies who objected to my contention that a Dodgers-Yankees World Series is what baseball needs, and what network executives privately want.

A couple of them even informed me that a host on WIP Radio in Philadelphia gave me the honor of being his weasel of the week.

The arguments were familiar: the Dodgers are soft, aloof and Hollywood. The Yankees are arrogant, spoiled and overpaid. The Phillies, on the other hand, work hard, play harder, play fair and care more about the game.

The no-respect theme is a familiar lament in Philadelphia, and in the case of the Phillies this season, the lament is justified.

Despite being the defending World Series champions, the Phillies are treated like stepchildren by the networks, sometimes relegated to afternoon or late-night games, while the Yankees-Red Sox-Dodgers triumvirate receive top billing.

The Dodgers part of the equation is becoming moot; Jimmy Rollins has seen to that. On Monday, in the bottom of the ninth of Game 4, Rollins, the Phillies’ shortstop, doubled in the tying and winning runs as Philadelphia pushed the Dodgers to the brink of elimination with a 5-4 victory.

So much for Yankees-Dodgers nostalgia.

The great thing about these playoffs is that coaches’ polls and computer rankings don’t factor in. It doesn’t matter what you or I want, or what network executives want.

The only thing that matters is what unfolded at 11:52 Monday night when Rollins succeeded and Dodgers closer Jonathan Broxton failed.

Despite the snubs, Philadelphia plays on, forcing television networks to take note.

Ryan Howard, the Phillies’ slugger, sat in the middle of the clubhouse early Tuesday talking about his team, the national news media and the notion that the Phillies are not being respected.

“There’s only one thing you can do, and that’s go out there and win,” Howard said. “Whether they want to respect it or not, doesn’t matter. We’ve got the trophy; you’ve got to respect the trophy.”

Howard has heard the Dodgers-Yankees talk. Last year he heard the same talk about the desirability of a Red Sox-Dodgers Series. Instead, Philadelphia played Tampa Bay.

“I don’t think it was the matchup that people really expected or wanted to see,” he said. “It doesn’t matter what you want. Who’s ever there at the end is there at the end, whether it’s Yankees and Phillies, Dodgers-Yankees, Phillies-Angels. You’ve got to respect whoever’s there and whoever wins.”

Can the Dodgers force this series back to Los Angeles? Of course they can. Will they? Probably not.

With an opening win in Game 1, an 11-0 rout in Game 3 and a spirit-breaking victory in Game 4, the Phillies have effectively set up shop inside the Dodgers’ heads.

Rollins made the point throughout the season and he made it again Monday night: the greatest difference between last year’s run and this year’s is that this season’s opponents expect Philadelphia to win as much as the Phillies themselves expect to win.

Howard agrees: “I think that teams realize we’re a team that keeps coming from behind; that’s going to stick in your mind, especially if it’s happened a couple times. They start thinking: We’ve been here before, now what’s going to happen? Are they going to come back? Are we going to be able to hold on?

“Then things start getting shaky.”

In addition to the objections over my call for a Yankees-Dodgers World Series, I heard from many fans who pointed out that such a Series would feature two high-profile players who had tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs: the Dodgers’ Manny Ramirez and the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez. In February, SI.com reported that Rodriguez was among the 100 or so players who failed a test for performance-enhancing drugs in the 2003 survey testing of all major leaguers. In May, Ramirez was suspended for 50 games after it was reported that he had tested positive for a banned substance.

If we’ve learned anything about this issue, it’s that there are two major groups of players: those who have been caught and those who have not. Some have been forced to come clean; others are shivering in their shoes, hoping that the complete list of those who tested positive in 2003 is never made public.

So before Phillies fans, or any others, throw stones, they need a reality check. In January, Phillies reliever J.C. Romero was suspended for the first 50 games of the 2009 season for using performance-enhancing substances. This positive test came about two months before he won two games in the World Series last fall to help the Phillies win the championship. The suspension came afterward.

This year the Phillies again are a great team, and they may be in the process of building a dynasty. So they deserve our respect, but spare us the lectures.

i've been bad again

2009-10-19T02:38:00.001-07:00

I know. Sometimes I just get into a routine where I don't blog, but I'm on the mend. I'm blogging right now, aren't I?

The kittens are still lovey. Basket is purring on my chest as I'm typing this. Trollop is still giving kitten hickeys. That's going to to be awkward/cuter when he's older. They now meow to be picked up. I've never seen a cat do this. Most cats I've encountered won't even let you pick them up. They're so good. I love them.

The "at least you're not this guy from okcupid" guy messaged me today to ask why he didn't have a girlfriend. Yeah.

We all seem to be in our own little fish bowl. We don't know how our actions affect the people around us. Some of us are better than others, but we're all largely pretty clueless. (SIDENOTE: I don't understand fish as pets.) There are even guys on okcupid who tell women they're naturally inferior to men and then don't understand why said women aren't standing in line to date them. Like we're all in some mystery novel looking for clues to understand the conundrum.

But in every relationship we all have moments where we ask, "What am I doing wrong?" Like, "What am I doing that is making her/him so mad?" I've always thought that you can't really be mad at people for things they don't do on purpose, but I've come to amend that. You can blame people for not making the slightest effort to not be a douchebag. But what if we're the douchebags? And there are people out there thinking that about us? I guess everyone is someone else's douchebag. I don't like to think about how many ex's I have floating around out there that have every reason to hate me. I don't even like the word douchebag. It's kind of gross.

Trollop is suckling on me now. He's so content.

I wish all love could be pure like love for kittens.

BRIEF ENCOUNTER Friday!

2009-09-22T11:40:00.001-07:00

Who's coming on Friday for an extra awesome night of fab theater, then discounted drinks and a jam with the musicians from BRIEF ENCOUNTER? Comment if you're coming. Plus, half price tickets because you know a very important dramaturgy intern!

paul on gossip girl

2009-09-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

Paul

When are you going to post the Jennifer's Body writeup??

1:06amEllen

oh god, yeah

tomorrow?

1:07amPaul

yay!

1:07amEllen

i'm waiting for gossip girl to load! yay gossip girl!

1:07amPaul

oh, speaking of blog projects, the domain for bayareacoffeesnobs.com has been installed on my site -- going to put wordpress on it tonight.

I've actually never seen an episode of gossip girl

1:07amEllen

yessssssssss

it's so addictive

1:08amPaul

what's it actually about

1:08amEllen

pretentious sexually active rich kids on the upper east side

1:08amPaul

hahah omg so it's like melrose place but nerdier

1:08amEllen

it's the best

and my favorite couple is finally together

so i'm lovin it

1:09amPaul

perhaps I'll watch some. when you say "loading," does that mean it's on the internet?

1:09amEllen

yeah

surfthechannel

you have to start at the beginning though

1:10amPaul

ok, I'll watch the pilot. what the hell. still not finished packing yet, but I have four hours...

1:11amEllen

yesssss

1:11amPaul

and I have a milan hotel now -- one of the people I e-mailed days ago finally got back to me

1:11amEllen

tell me who you favor: blair or serena?

watch it on megavideo

started! have fun!

1:12amPaul

haha ok I'll let you know whose side I'm on :-)

2:00amEllen

serena or blair?

2:04amPaul

serena but see e-mail

2:04amEllen

i saw

amazing

2:05amPaul

I didn't really find anything gripping enough to make me want to keep watching

just "oh, ok, so one pretty rich boy wants to kiss other girls, and blair isn't sure how she feels about it, and serena was arrested for fucking everyone in thailand or something and now she's being chased by paparazi and everyone has lots of money and who cares?

2:06amEllen

hahahaha

i love it

2:06amPaul

and then there's this other pretty rich boy who picks up women in bars, and maybe he's the same pretty rich boy who is dating blair, but maybe he isn't -- I can't really tell and don't really care

2:06amEllen

hahahaah

2:06amPaul

but he's sufficiently notorious that strange blondes in bars know who he is and woo-woo for him

2:07amEllen

chuck bass

2:07amPaul

and for some reason people listen to some damned radio show or podcast or something about these people

is he the same one who is dating blair or not?

2:07amEllen

HAHAHAHAAHA

nate's dating blair

2:07amPaul

oh, ok. I don't think I caught nate's name

2:07amEllen

some damned radio show

ok i have to go to bed, but that's awesome

2:07amPaul

this conversation may be bloggable

goodnight!

2:08amEllen

goodnight!

Important Note From Ellen:

CHUCK & BLAIR 4 EVAAAAA!!!

you're moderately attractive

2009-09-19T04:30:00.000-07:00

wat do you think of my pics
?

umm... you're moderately attractive?

thanks!
i am looking for friends and fun too..nothing serious

i don't put much stock in these things

yea...i am here for fun as well..

i mean in appearances
i care more about other things

true
hmm..like what?

kindness, intelligence
sense of humor
creativity

i am the man!

you are a man

lol
yes i m

Since when is "you're moderately attractive" a compliment? That's not me complimenting your appearance. It's me trying to get out of the question because you're just kind of eh appearance-wise. If you're not ugly then I just say you're moderately attractive to not be a bitch. Why do people ask me what I think of their "pics" anyway? What am I supposed to say to that? "Ur realy hawt"? Come on!

vlogs #9 & 10: for taylor swift

2009-09-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

So I have a lot of feelings about Kanye and Taylor Swift. I recently posted some feelings about Taylor Swift here, but that's not really all there is to it. When I found out that Kanye came up onstage and interrupted Taylor's speech at the VMAs I started calling people to tell them. I was incensed. Katy Perry already said what he did was "like stepping on a kitten." Don't drink kids.

I just watched the You Belong with Me video again so I could reference it accurateley, and I was inspired. You know how people do 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction videos? Well, I'm not doing that, but I did do a Taylor Swift reaction video. The great thing about that video is that it affects people, and it really does affect me. I would recommend starting my reaction video and then a muted version of the original video so you can see what I'm commenting on, making the video a lot more fun and less self-indulgent.

Here is my video, to be played with sound, and then Taylor's video to be played on mute when you see I'm starting mine, if you hear the truck sound you've waited too long:

Then I watched my video and realized that the sign was backwards, which I personally believe makes this whole endeavor even cuter. So I made this clarification video with two very special guest stars:

I found this on facebook, and I think it adequately describes my feelings about Kanye West:

RT Kanye @ PatSwayze funeral: "i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute, but MJ had the best death of the year. just sayinnn"

kitten hickey

2009-09-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

a social experiment

2009-09-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

So in honor of Monday night, I changed my okcupid status back to bisexual to see how long it would take guys to start IMing me. It took 4 minutes. I had 4 guys message me in the first 10 minutes. Insanity. Here is a very special edition of "at least you're not this guy from okcupid" featuring 3 new friends!

THE KILLER OPENING LINE AWARD:

ur hella cute

thanks

you're moderately attractive

THE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO SAY THAT TO STRANGERS OR "ur hair are lovely" AWARD:

u alright?

i am indeed alright

good

wat u upto ?

damn that kanye west

lol

how do you get your hair to stay like that?

y ? wats wrong in it ?

nothing

i was just wondering, i can't get my hair to do anything

lol

ur hair are lovely

thank you

is that why you messaged me?

lol

im so tired today , i have got backpain as well

that's tough

plz do something to it

your back?

yeah

umm...

backcarck

backcrack

kinda far away

i wish if u were here now

but i'm just a name on a screen

i know

just asked away

do u know a massage by using ur feet ?

no i don't

its easy , u just have to step on me and walk all over barefeet , its a good massage

ok....

would u like to do that to me ?

not at all

y ?

r u scared ?

it's just kind of gross to ask someone to walk on you on okcupid

lol

lmao

u r funny

not really

u r

bbut u r too beautiful

just kinda telling it like it is

what does that have to do with anything?

AND FINALLY... THE I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE AWARD:

whatsup

nm jc

what did you get into tonight

i took the train back from sf home

what were you doing here in the city

i was working

at my job

what do you do

i'm a dramatugy intern at a big theater company

what do you do

i research theater and work with actors and directors

what do you do?

im a stocker scrapper

an apprentice in the drywall union

there's a drywall union?

of course

i've never really understood drywall

what do you mean

all buildings need walls

no, i understand that there is a thing called drywall

just how it's made and the intricacies behidn it

what do you do?

i keep the workers stocked with metal studs and sheetrock

move material

insulate

caulk

help with layouts

a lot of things

whatever they ask but mostly stock

and scrap out the garbage

is it rewarding work?

ya definately i got a career for the rest of my life ill move up and be doing the real work eventually

its the hardest job i ever done though

move tons of weight everyday

literally

gets you in shape

some days are so easy that you cant believe your getting paid so much too

definitely

one day i just stood behind a crane to make sure no one walked passed the tape

it was borng as hell i would have rather worked but i got 100 dollars for just standing there

i like it its a good job i dont have to go to college

you like your job?

very much

so this is a career for you too right

your working up?

YEAH [NOTE: That’s ALLCAPS was accidental. I wasn’t being that much of an asshole]

definitely

ya me too

did you go to school before

i went to stanford

it says on my profile

you planning to move to the cityy?

no, i commute

thats a long commute isnt it

like 2 hours right

no, only an hour

i used to work in hayward it would take me 2 hours

from when i left my house

it was horrible

that sucks

brb

That was the fun night I had. Oh, people. I hope I made alphafemme's morning!

at least you're not this other guy from okcupid

2009-09-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

hi

hey

how r u?

i'm good\
why are you messaging me?

to chat only
have a little discussion

how'd you find me though?

i search through matches and i found u online

but it says i'm a lesbian

ok
i want to chat only

about what?

i not searching for girlfriend
about any thing intersting
to know new people and know more about thier country, culture and others

cgddgdgjygdfgcvv

what does this mean?

my kitten just messaged you

lol
ok
hehehhe

you're in saudi arabia?

yes
do u know it?

i've never been there
but i know of it, obviously

from where?

studying and the news

i hope not from media
ohhh my god

that tends to be where the news comes from

yes
but the media not always right

what do they get wrong?

they r telling laies about saudi arabia

what is the truth?

the truth that we r normal people and
we care about our families,friends and other people
we r not Terrorist

of course, not all of you are Terrorists

we love the life and enjoy but with restrications

what kind of restrictions?

good that u know that

[NOTE: STOP TELLING LAIES!]

i missed you, project runway

2009-09-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

So I just watched three episodes of Project Runway in a row. The really disturbing thing is that I haven't been watching regularly enough that I would have three episodes to watch.

Project Runway carries with it a certain degree of awesome. It's always going to be fun, but some seasons are better than others. Personally, my favorites were season three (Jeffrey Sebelia) and four (Christian Siriano). I've picked the winner every season I've watched, and really love getting pissed off at the judges. I still haven't forgiven them for auf'ing season three's Allison:

And she was so sweet too!

My early favorites are Ra'mon and Shirin. The show feels a little different now that it's moved to Lifetime, but I'm just glad it's back. This season hasn't really yielded too much wow, but I was hooked enough to watch three episodes in a row.

Maybe this can be part of Paul learning fashion? A Project Runway tutorial?

Also, Chinese baby sting was a go and the recording is amazings. That's right, amazings. Plural.

chinese babies

2009-09-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm writing this piece on gay Chinese adoption for Words on Plays (a publication sold at performances that goes into the intricacies of the work) and the dramaturgy packet for the cast. And I called an adoption agency, and said, "Hi, I'd like to adopt a Chinese baby. I'm a homosexual. Is that a problem?" And they were like, "Yes!" The issue is that there's a lesbian adoption in David Mamet's November that goes along way too swimmingly. So I told the head of publications what I did and he got really excited, and said that I should call a different agency tomorrow and record it! And then transcribe it for the publication! Then he said, "You're a thinker. I like you."

WIN

Also, Heard 'Round the ACT:

"I smell, like, vodka..."
me: "Haha!"
"Do you have it?"
me: "No!"
"Crap!"

end of summer beginning of life

2009-09-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally started at ACT. I spent all day today reading a Tennessee Williams play (Vieux Carre, which I still don't know how to pronounce), and then looking online for piano blues music to play during the show. The piano blues is mentioned several times. It's supposed to be played by a black piano player from the club next door in the French Quarter in 1939 New Orleans. I found this great website called prewarblues.org that has exactly what I want! This was after spending an hour trying to make Ray Charles work and failing. Yay!

I really love this job. I got to sit on a couch and read a play... and then cruise the internet looking for music and then listening to the music and having opinions that matter! And yesterday I sat in on a reading of Hamlet by world-class actors that were then torn to bits afterward by world-class directors/producers. I had such low standards of what theater could be, and coming to ACT has shown me just how talented people in this industry are. It's so refreshing. And my boss said I was fantastic! In my blues finding abilities...

The end of the summer is bittersweet. This summer was the best one of my life. And I'm not saying that facetiously or in some kind of cliche. I usually hate summers because I'm all alone, and this summer way wonderful because I was surrounded by really great new friends. I was crushed to leave my best friends at the end of Stanford. Becca, especially, can tell you that I was on the brink of tears for days, and would always be the one crying for no reason and making everyone else lose emotional control. Becca and I just sat in her room, and cried together for a long time about a week before graduation. We all love each other so much, and I don't think that will ever change. I miss my Terra/Stanford friends more than I can say. But life hasn't been half bad. Just because you've met your friend-soulmates doesn't mean there aren't other souls out there for you to meet. I met so many new people this summer, and got close to them so fast. Walking into Palo Alto... chilling at Doge, you guys have made this a fantastic period in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Good bye summer... Hello surprisingly pleasant reality.

KITTENS!!

2009-09-04T03:07:00.000-07:00

We got kittens. I now own kittens. I have kittens!!

That was my IQ dropping about 20 points.

I was online kitten shopping on craigslist because the shelters are always closed when we want to go and came across an ad for really cute kittens in Santa Rosa. I didn't know where Santa Rosa was. Turns out it's like 2 hours away. I immediately started looking for new kittens after I found out where it was, but some cat meowed at Daniel and he took it as an omen. So we drove to Santa Rosa. With Kendra and Paul. We actually picked up Paul in downtown SF on the way there. He was standing across the street from Bimbo's in North Beach, and very excited to come along. He ended the night almost PIxie Stix high. Turns out the Ford Focus has a kickass sound system and we jammed to I've Got a Feeling and Hot N Cold on the ride out. It was awesome.

We ended up in a trailer park-esque area. The people brought the kittens out in a bin onto the porch because there were 3 pit bulls inside and she didn't know if we wanted to see them. All of the kittens were really friendly, and Paul almost agreed to get one and spite Res Ed, but we ended up with the ones that Daniel and I picked up and held.

I present to you...

Basket and Trollop! After a really really good car ride.

Basket is the one that Daniel picked out. He's mellow and smart. Like Daniel. He just jumped out of his box to explore under the dresser. Then he got scared and lost and started meowing to be rescued. Daniel rescued him.

Basket!

I picked out Trollop. He's rambunctious and sweet. Like me. He's sleeping in his box, and not getting lost 2 feet away.

Trollop!

I turned the box that came with my boots into a kitten bed by adding one of my trademark orange blankets. They're cuddling in it right now. On the way home Trollop was spooning Kendra's hand, and she didn't want to leave even though she's allergic to cats. He's that cute!

Aww! More kitten pictures, Ellen! More!

God, guys! OK!

Don't you love them already? I do!

Sidenote: I think this post has more exclamation points than any post I've ever written. And I don't care!

i'm not a lesbian

2009-09-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

I actually do, in my heart of hearts, like men. I think I like men more than I consciously realize. I know you're all probably like, "Hasn't this chick been with a guy for like evs?" And the answer is, "Yes, I have." But that doesn't necessarily mean that I wasn't almost completely given over to women. I could have been a lesbian who had a penchant for one man. That's not really true. I know that the vast majority of my relationship history has been with men, so this may seem like a redundant post for that reason, as well. Those of you who really know me, however, know that I feel very very gay on the inside most of the time. I read gay magazines and gay websites, scan women for women craigslist postings for no reason, write gay plays, lived in a gay co-op, started a gay prom, and have frequently said that I'm somewhere between 70-90% gay. That's probably not the right number. Sexuality is fluid, and I'm sure it's fluctuated since the last time I picked a number out of the air, but I've probably been compensating with that number since all my current friends have only seen me with Daniel. I'm not straight either.

What if I'm actually really 50-50? That's such a scary thought for me to even fathom. You don't know how weird it is to type that.

The truth is that bisexuality is so fetishized that being actually less than 90% gay makes me feel cheapened. Like I'm just some drunk girl kissing another girl on her boyfriend's birthday. If anyone wants to see just how fetishized bisexuality is I would encourage you to watch the trailer for Jennifer's Body:

Personal favorite line: "I go both ways."

Personal goal:

I DON'T WANT TO BE JENNIFER

And, yes, I'm aware that my becoming Jennifer is a very real possibility.

Fucking everything.

an illustration

2009-08-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

Before:

PRELIMINARY After:

Ladies, get in line.

Ellen Cassidy was right; or, how I became a metrosexual. A post by Paul Gowder.

2009-08-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

This was originally posted on Uncommon Priors.

I now own a pair of $125.00 jeans. And I just put a second of the same on special order. I can feel my little unfashionable world crumbling around me.

I am not an innately fashionable person. There are near-flamewars still floating about on the comments sections of various blogs between Phoebe and I about whether it’s acceptable to pay more than $20 for a pair of jeans, or care about fashion at all, or whatever. I, obviously, took the “con” side.

So much for that, eh?

What happened? Well, the fashion whirlwind that is Ellen Cassidy happened. Over the course of many, many, hours spent at Caffe del Doge, she slowly convinced me that my existing clothes were horrible. Mostly, this involved the giving of actual persuasive reasons, like pointing out the ways in which things fit poorly. It also involved making extreme fun of my feeble attempts to justify various articles of clothing. (Hint to future makeover subjects: you cannot defend wearing an ill-fitting free t-shirt from some sand volleyball event by claiming “it’ll give the impression that I’m athletic!” Not, that is, unless you want to be mocked for the rest of your unnatural life.) She also pointed out various well-dressed people, although sometimes that was counterproductive. (Hint for other fashionistas: pointing out someone whose clothing just barely improves his/her general unattractiveness does not do much good to convince someone who is afraid of just that result to go in for a makeover.)

Finally, I announced that I’d go to the mall with her. I insisted that I wouldn’t spend very much money, and that I would liberally exercise my reserved veto power. In all honesty, I’m not sure that I expected to walk out of there with any new clothes at all, and possibly with whole new traumatic clothing shopping experiences. Still, half a league, half a league, half a league onward, all into Nordstrom rode I. Forward, the shopping brigade! Charge for the racks!

Upon entering the store, I immediately realized that I was in unfamiliar territory when the heathen iconography of the Cult of the Shoe Fetishists began to impose itself on my consciousness:

The charge into oblivion began with lunch at the Nordstrom cafe. Yes, they have a cafe. The food is surprisingly good, although the staff and logistics are quite incompetent. You order at the counter, and then you go to a table where a full-fledged waiter serves you. I don’t really know why they trust the waiters with everything except taking the initial order and taking the money, but they do. Instead, they trusted a rather snippy clerk with the money-and-orders duties. She took an immediate disliking to me:

Paul: “I’d like the turkey [and something] sandwich, but can you substitute the garlic aioli for the mayonnaise?”
Nasty clerk [scowling]: “garlic aioli is mayonnaise.”
Paul [stares blankly, stammers for a bit]: “No. I want the sandwich without mayonnaise, and with the garlic aioli from the other sandwich. Can you do that?”
NC [with visible reluctance]: “yes.”

Apparently most department store eaters are sheep who gladly eat their food however the menu lists it, even if they don’t like the ingredients. Baaaaah. I took a candid picture of NC, but it’s probably a little too mean to put it on the internet.

While we ate, Ellen played this song to set the mood. It’s worth a listen — I think I have to see the stage version of Legally Blonde now.

Then it was time to get around to that whole gun-charging business, in the form of the actual shopping. And things started a little rocky. We immediately latched on a blazer that was adored by all and sundry until I saw the $700 price tag. I did not buy that blazer, obviously.

And then came Evil Tape Measure Guy. Ellen summoned an attendant to find and fetch clothes (an attendant!) and his first task was to take some measurements. Well, Evil Tape Measure Guy told me that I should wear pants with a waist size a full four inches more than I normally wear. That’s gotta be a good thirty pounds ago.

As you can imagine, I was a little distressed by this news. Be proud of me. I did not shout or swear at Evil Tape Measure guy, nor did I storm out in a huff or cry. (Ok, maybe I swore a little. But not AT him.) And I ended up with jeans in the correct size (i.e., the size I wore before) rather than in the insanely inflated size tape measure guy claimed. (Though I think pants ended up in a different size, for bizarre and occult reasons, possibly involving Federal Distorted Measurement Standards and/or The Mafia.) So to hell with Evil Tape Measure Guy.

Actually, ETMG was quite nice, apart from the whole TM part. But I still resent him. And I still damn him to the hell of whatever religion he believes in. You only get one strike with Paul Gowder.

Fortunately, ETMG was not the only face of Nordstrom. The E in ETMG was fully counterbalanced and then some by the G from Natasha. Natasha was the sales clerk, cheerleader, secondary source of wise fashion judgment (after Ellen herself, naturally), and general delightful human being in attendance. She is so awesome that I almost asked for her number, though I decided that would be a little creepy.

So ETMG gathered a massive pile of clothes, and I took them into the dressing room. And, suddenly, things got brighter. Several of the bits of clothes fit properly! And they actually looked good! There was a large pile of rejects, naturally, but there was also quite a large pile of acceptances. I must have gone in and out of the dressing room at least twenty times over an absurd number of hours (we closed the store out).

There were also entertaining interludes. For example: it appears that Nordstrom serves people rich enough to get away with bringing their dogs into department stores. This washed-up-old-rock-star-looking-guy is only one of the two people who did this, with nary a blink from the staff:

I’m tempted to get a dog and bring it everywhere I go, just so I can convince people that I must be rich and powerful — because who else would just casually assume they can bring their dog to go romping around, e.g., $700 blazers?

The most important thing was the praise. Whenever I came out wearing something attractive, Ellen praised me. Then Natasha praised me. Daniel came along, and often he praised me too. Occasionally, random passer-by praised me. (The praise is continuing — particularly, whenever Ellen and I hang out, she’s quite liberal about praising the new outfits and encouraging others to praise them too. This has done wonders for my continued submission to the Cassidy Plan for Global Fashion Domination.)

I like praise. Praise sells clothes. Praise sold lots of clothes to me on Sunday. Praise sold me several shirts, and pants and… the most important thing of all…

Happy jeans! Happy jeans! Happy jeans! Happy jeans!

The happy jeans are so insanely soft and comfy that I want to make out with them. I have contemplated creating a Facebook account for the happy jeans so that I can change my status to “in a relationship with the happy jeans.” The happy jeans are the best article of clothing I’ve ever owned. The happy jeans fit ridiculously well, and Ellen insists they take off 20 pounds.

After the happy jeans came out, the rest was pretty much gravy. I had tutorials in proper shirt-tucking and collar-straightening (I’ve a good handle on the former, but the latter is still difficult). I sat down with Daniel and insisted he give me a sanity check before buying the obscene pile of clothes, and he agreed that buying them is, in fact, sane (I’m not convinced, but sanity is grossly overrated). Then we took a detour into the women’s so that Ellen could do a little shopping. In that section, I saw possibly the most disturbing brand name ever:

And so the happy jeans have converted me. I have officially given over my entire wardrobe and general appearance into Ellen’s hands, solely on the strength of the happy jeans. I am even going to let her go through my closet, although I suspect it may be more efficient to just pour a can of gasoline over the whole thing and toss in a match for all that will survive.

In short, Ellen was right. (And yes, I promised to write this post.)

How, might you ask, can I afford this? Well, my answer is roughly “I don’t care.” Or, as I said to Ellen while expressing my conversion, “fuck money.” I’m not saving up for anything or planning to have kids or the like. Life is short, money is good only for spending, when you’re young it’s perfectly rational to spend a higher percentage of your income, and I have no fear of being poor. So fuck it.

More pictures to follow. There are going to be several more stages to this makeover. I don’t have enough pictures at the moment, but I will take more on subsequent trips. In particular, I am reserving the full “after” photo for when we’ve replaced the bag, put a good blazer with it, haircut, contacts, etc. I also badly need a picture of Natasha.

I will, however, offer you a teaser that does not show the happy jeans, but does show a new shirt:

The light brigade survived! Although Natasha has been lobbying Ellen to have me wax my eyebrows. I might not survive that…

[NOTE: I really should start my own business]

a scumbag

2009-08-25T03:57:00.001-07:00

You know how personality tests are really just compliment machines? Like I'm feeling bad about myself... how about I waste an hour on the internet taking personality tests. I'm always an ENFP (Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving) on the Myers-Briggs tests. Usually, it talks about how I'm carefree and the life of the party and a social butterfly. This test is the best. I've never posted test results on here because they're usually stupid, but this is awesome. You'll see why.

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test ...

Scumbag- ENFP

80% Extraversion, 53% Intuition, 27% Thinking, 20% Judging

I have a feeling you're not going to like this much. Do I care? No. How do I know? It's because you hate criticism. You love to be loved and you'll do anything to be accepted.

Unfortunately for you, I can see right through your insincere compliments and over-the-top greetings. No matter what you do, I'll always hate you for what you are. An arrogant, unstable, overly enthusiastic scumbag.

I bet you're pretty proud of your accomplishments, huh? You seem to achieve at whatever you put your little mind too. Trust me. Nobody likes the person who is good at everything. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

This might also have something to do with the fact that you're a cheating machine. You're just not the type of person to make long-term commitments. You enjoy seeing "what could be", rather than being satisfied with "what is." This, of course, means you often leave others in the dust while you seek out another lover.

Well, at least you're not the one left in the dust.

Unfortunately, when you're the one lying in the gutter with a bloody knife in your back, you might think differently.

The first three paragraphs are actually pretty true. Although, I like to think that people like me. People like me, right???

Post your results in the comments.

ellen cassidy was right

2009-08-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

I made over Paul yesterday. I'm going to let him blog it because he'll have much more colorful commentary than I could muster, but it was a complete and total success as evidenced by this e-mail:

Can we go again? Very very soon? I am still experiencing jeans-related euphoria here. And I want to wear them every single day but can't because then they'd start to smell funny. And the internet is not going to produce more of that same pair because the brand is, apparently, both very small and totally unhelpful at distinguishing between its multiple models. So I must find at least one other pair that is just as good. Also, blazer. Also, more shirts. Also, yay! Yay! Yay!

And this e-mail:

I tried the black blazer I have last night and am not satisfied with its fit -- too loose in the shoulder... I wonder if that's something that can be tailored away? (which isn't to say I don't want another too. I do) But I am pleased that I am already developing judgment in such things -- I am a very quick study. (also, the straight line thing? Yay! And the stiffer t-shirt front thing? Yay! And the secret of tucking in with the corner thing that nordstrom guy showed me? Yay! In short: knowledge! Yay!) This is totally the zeal of the convert here. But I need to solidify my new knowledge with more experience, stat.

I'm wearing bad clothes right now because don't want to get the lovely new ones dirty. And that is bad. (though of course I'm changing this evening) Which is why I must buy more.

Janet Kim once told me I should be a TV personality. I think my new life ambition is to become Stacy of Stacy and Clinton on What Not to Wear.

new car!

2009-08-23T02:22:00.001-07:00

We got a new car today! We got a Ford Focus in gold with Cash for Clunkers so a lot was saved. I will add pictures one I get them off my iPhone, but it was a time and a half. Daniel didn't even freak out once! I know, right!

The Old Bimmer! You will be missed.

But not $4500 worth of missing!

And now... The 2009 Ford Focus!

Daniel's glamour shot.

My glamour shot.

The day was altogether stress-free. Daniel's high school friend Zach came along and helped us make Informed Decisions, but as soon as we got in the car we knew it was the one. Like soulmates. Carmates. It even has seats without exposed springs for Daniel's ergonomic comfort.

I wore a leather jacket to give myself .02 ounces of cred.

YAY!

"at least you're not this guy" encore!

2009-08-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

Since there was such an overwhelming response to the okcupid guy I thought I'd give you guys another sample of our totally f-ed conversations.

i'm not going to lunch with you

why?

a of all) i'm busy tomorrow

oh, whenever you're free.

b of all) even if i weren't, i don't just meet people i IM with without a lot of talking beforehand

c of all) i'm not going on a date with you

who says its a date?

what you just told me

was a complete turn off to me

but, most girls do resopnd like that

so you're pretty average :)

what was a turnoff?

your response

that i didn't want to go meet you somewhere?

yes

and

the facct that you see it as a date.

and how you made it seem like I was asking you on a date

the way you said it

it's two people on a dating site meeting in a one-on-one setting for a meal

so?

spade a spade

I eat lunch with someone every day

someone from here?

random people

as do i

sometimes, I walk up to a girl and ask her to lunch

even if i don tknow her

it's just a new friend

that's impetuous

would you rather eat alone?

or eat with a friend and make it social

guys, too

a lot of my lunches are business-lunches, though, so I get used to eating with new people all the time

its a normal routine

so what's your company name?

I try to eat lunch with someone every day, just to make myself "network" more.

i want to google it

dragonfly, inc

we launch 2 products

skoogo, a stealth startup targeted at college students

and shribs (document your life)

based in west virginia?

what?

http://www.dragonflyinc.com/

mailing address is west virginia

we dont haev a website

you don't have a website?

and this other company has your name?

what other company?

the company at that website

and the skoogo headquarters is in ann arbor, michigan

yes

are you saying i'm lying

i'm just trying to understand

ah ok

i want to know what you actually do

SKOOGO is a product

We are a communication platform

targeted at students

currently in stealth, liscensing to UIUC

and Stanford

Next semester, we will become integrated into Stanford Newsgroups

we're partnered with pearsons educaiton and blackboard

my genotype algorithm is currently liscencsed to genentech, blackboard, doubletwist, and LBNL

Google ranks websites. Genotype Algorithm ranks people. Our engine assigns attributes to content generated by people. Through this content, our algorithm can leverage the wisdom of the crowd to determine the likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses of each person. Content acts as a link that allows people to qualify and rank each other. For each person, a vector, or profile, of different attributes is generated. Information can then be validated for legitimacy. Our method of ranking and matching elements can have various applications. It can be applied to other social networking platforms—or even the entire Internet.

so you wrote this algorithm?

yep

by accident

got lucky i guess, haha

what were you trying to write?

i was just analyzing data

and noticed patterns

patterns of people?

yes

http://i30.tinypic.com/mi0239.png

ok i don't know what that means

anyway

you need to chillll sometimes

when I asked you to lunch

you were giving me a b c reasons, hahaha

calm down. its just a lunch

people have lunhes all the itme

time*

that's just something i say

it's a line from my play

i guess i'll never get that lunch then :/

do you see how you response can be seen as a turn off?

i don't know why you would want to have lunch with me anyway

i'm not that special

so what? that's the type of thinking

that will get people now here

Meeting new people is an asset

you never know what someone can do for you.

i met two new people tonight and had a fantastic time

perhaps you haev a special talent deep inside, and perhaps I could be the one to open it up

i awlays take opportunities

my talents and yours are kind of different

because that's given me where I am today

I dropped out of high school, yet I got into college

due to a random opportunity

i got expelled from high school

or, when I see something even slightly special in somebody

i like to invest in them. its just a simple lunch, right?

Believe it or not, I actually scored a parntership deal due to meeting someone on this site, hahaha

really?

she introduced me to a guy, who then introduced me to a partnership

not linkedin?

huh

linkedin is ok

i'm just saying, this was one rare example

interesting

u never know what things will happen

especially MY LIFE...its so random

i'm guessing..if i keep doing random things, perhaps it will continue hahaha

why do you throw out those really controversial statements?

wat?

just to gauge reactions?

"men are superior to women"

wat statemnts

ooo

1. gauge reaction and determine what the personailty of the person is

2. spark discussions and perhaps I may learn something or new insight

3. share someone my perspective and perhaps she may learn something

she may not agree completely, but, still may realize new perspective she has never before

notice I say SHE

because, guys don't talk this bullshit

what bullshit?

most guys are too hard-headed and too "busy" to talk deep things

deep talks

controversial things

analytical

they key to learning = experience

experience = sparking discussions

experience = trying new things

i agree

bed time in 3 minutes

exactly three

tats when the song ends

i see

well, i'll do 1 more song.

i dont like this one

usually, i like to end my day with a good song.

same with my meal

I like to eat the best thing last.

i do too

There is a reason

for that, you know.

it can lead to bigger insights

that tiny habit

leaves a good taste in your mouth

yep

it means that you as a person are very careful

you want things perfect

then why would it be so difficult to believe that i'd be careful in choosing my internet lunch partners?

when you leave the thing

because, its silly

what "carefullness" is there

you're surrounded by 50 people

in broad daylight

you're more experienced in this internet to real life thing than i am

Plus, if a rapist truly wanted to rape you

he would pretend to be nice

they're not stupid you know

they can appear nice in person

just becuase you "know" someone, it doesn' tmean their goal is not to get in ur pants

sometimes it feels like everyone's goal is to get in my pants

this is why i believe girls' logic is flawed

even my barista has a crush on me

they believe that when they know someone "more" , they are safer

...does it not occur to them that crazy rapists can "pretend" to be nice people....

have you ever been sexually assaulted?

well i have

i see

so don't tell me what should and shouldn't know about rapists

i'm sorry to hear that

i'm telling you from a logical perspective

I apolgoize if there are emotions involved

not everything is logical!

in fact, few things are

yes, everything is logical.

Everything is a system.

people aren't logical

true

because they dont strive to be

i believe i am MORE logical than most people in tjhis world

that's not something i strive for

how is everything logical if people aren't?

everything has a system to it.

everything has a reason. has a cause and effect

people are flawed, because our minds are not perfect

that is why my dream is to create a system that can understand all aspects of life

that is my next algorithm. my next project

patterns of life appear everywhere, in different shapes and forms

there is a way they are all linked

an algorithm can understand?

yes

how?

an algorithm can, but people can't.

because the engine can take account factors

look at it this way

our mind takes into consideration "factors" before making a decision.

We calculate the costs/benefits of all these factors (aka Thinking) to come to a 'decision'

because the mind is weak, there are sometimes gaps in these factors

we may forget some, or we may not be able to "keep track" how everything is related

an algorithm CAN

i can't go any further, otherwise I would be speaking artificial intelligence :)

and that's a whole different topic

that's what i was thinking

you can put it this way

Boyfriend <> girlfriend

= 2 nodes

Boy wants girls. other girls wants the boy

it's a diagram

WANTS

DONT WANTS

CAN

CANNOT

VALUE

everything is linked

think of it as a matrix

and now compare this pattern

to companies + hiring

Companies vs Employee

one wants the job

another wants the employee

another matrix

"People want things they can't get."

"People want things that don't need them"

the above can be applied to both scenarios in approx the same way.

get it?

yes

unless you have a huge whiteoboard to diagram all these patterns

the human mind will get confused

we're limited in brain power

try to see life as a system of processes

you'll notice that everything is related

EVERYTHING

and if u go deeper 1 step

there is a way they are all linked

that is the deifnition of life

Whoever solves it will be god

I will be god

I want to be god

solves it?

yes

right now, i am creating a decision engine

based on many factors combined

what does it mean to solve life?

an engine can calculate "scores" for you

scores of each decision

for example (in relationships)

-what if the girl plays hard to get

-what if you play hard to get

-what if you have more value over her

-what if she's more desperate

everything can be formulated

like something that predicts human action

yes

all the irrationality

or, something that will give you the best action

your mind is weak. it cannot make the best decision

my algorithm will give you the best decision

based on analyzing all these factors

that your mind cannot comprehend

what's your name?

i'll tell you later

but, got bed.

goodnight!

night

[his phone number] call me sometime if u wanna chat

i'm always free

missouri?

at least you're not this guy

2009-08-20T04:07:00.000-07:00

This is the transcript of part of a conversation I had over okcupid chat with this guy who messages me even though I put up that I'm not looking to date anyone on there, especially not men. He knows I'm a bisexual feminist. I didn't even get into the homosexual problems with his argument because he's just that far gone. I like to have these kinds of conversations with people to see how crazy they actually are. You can tell which one is me because I don't capitalize and spell everything correctly/am not insane. Paul's favorite line is, "i always like some calvinism at 4:41." It's mine too.

It's so hard to be a man
ha
that's rich
wat?
oh by the way
a girl's destiny is born.
a guy's destiny is less-born
i always like some calvinism at 4:41
a girl's future is basically determined at birth
yeah she's either pretty or she's not and that puts here where she'll go
pretty much
:(
that's sick
fortunately, you are a pretty :)
like women are just barbie dolls without minds
hmm
i think that men are superior to women
do you
that's quaint
because they have more "tangible value"
like life can be boiled down to that
omg
have we talkeda bout this before?
you tried to engage me on it
haha
welllllll
Guys can hunt. Girls can't.
Ergo guys can eat and live. Girls can't.
Girls need to live, so they need the man.
Girls can't hunt?
When one needs another, "influence" is introduced
welllll
nope , not relaly.
they'er weaker.
they can hunt, but weaker.
you have insanely outdated beliefs
no no no
and you're justifying it through this warped logic
how is it warped
maybe you would have felt more comfortable pre-1960
i am justifying this through evolutionary biology
even though people have become more "equal" due to todya's circumstances
it is in the genes and DNA
did it ever occur to you that men need women?
yes
men need women to live on.
to breed
that they serve some kind of function besides being their sex-slaves/mothers
that sounds horrible, (and i dont believe it like that)
but , that is what evolutionary biology determines
hmmm
perhaps, a comforter
stress reliever
sharing emotions
balancing life
so you'd just want me to be your sweet little wifie?
no, i never said thattt
dinner on the table when you get home, and a relaxing foot massage?
no way
i would never make my wife give me a foot massage
unless i give her one first
i treat my wife like my love
even though she's inferior to you?
I want her to be inferior to mme.
and you've expressed this to her
Girls want their man to be superior.
Do you know taht?
Most girls want a better man.
a man that can take care of her, a man that can hold her.
a man that is superior than her.
to be superior to them?
they want it.
yes
and similarllry, men want their women to be inferior
they want to feel their role of biology
have you ever met a woman?
which is to support their family
like in real life?
what?
i specialize in what is not cold hard and scientific
thats good
illuminating what really makes us human, and it's not biology
i still think everyone is bounded by biology
of course, there are chances
changes*
and therre are excpeitions
and perhaps this biology is shifting
perhaps the gap is lessening
but, the biology differences are still there
even if man is 10% superior, 80% superior...superior is superior
so women that rise to the top of careers?
wasting their time?
no
they are just able to survive
you see:
over the course of life, men and women have had different roles
your ancestors have had different roles
the females have been at home, taking care of babies
the males have been hunting
so, it goes into the genes
males adapt more to hunting
why are you saying this?
females adapt more to babies
what purpose does it serve you?
because i want to see what type of girl you are, haha
there are some girls that will block me
there are some girls that will agree
some will question, some will disgree
if a girl genuinely agrees, then she is a female that knows how to accept reality
so this is just your leisure activity? asking a myriad of girls these questions
see, that's unlogical
this is a learning process.
everything in life is a learning process.
Every action you take is used to learn for the future.
This is a learning process for me.
and what have you learned?
(and you're going to say i'm selfish)
But i'm not selfish.
i wasn't even thinking that
because i give back to people
good! :)
i learn how people behave, and how they think
Wanna learn a lesson:
It is through disagreements that people learn
sometimes i liek to argue and bash the other person
why? because it heats them up
and it will get them to think logically and respond
and then, when they truly make sense, it's a revelation
becuase it's so shocking, and so amazing
that it's like..."Omg, i never realized that point!"
that feeling of learning something new (that you thought you nailed down perfectly) is aamzing
Not only that, I like to teach people these things
a gentleman and a scholar
what?

i have bad taste in music.

2009-08-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

I know. You don't have to tell me because I already know.

So I have a soft-spot for people like Jess from my play. And there's been this song on the radio that kind of perfectly encapsulates her situation.

I know that this is not great art. I know that the acting isn't the best. I know that it's the classic "put a pretty girl in glasses and a ponytail and she's ugly" thing. I know that it uses every classic high school trope, including cheerleaders and quarterbacks... but that just makes me love it more. And not even in that camp "so bad it's good" type way. I've watched it three times, and the end gives me chills every time. Maybe you aren't sappy, and don't like things that are so cliche they hurt, but sometimes I do, and this is one of those times. Sometimes cliches are cliches because they're true, and this is the story of so many people's lives.

If Jess were real... I think she'd smile at me right now.

Man, I wish she were real.

more literal bears i'm jealous of!!

2009-08-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist.

OK SO U PROBABLY THINK IM NOT JEALOUS OF THIS BEAR BC HIS SNACKS ARE ENTRAPPED IN A HUGE BLOCK OF ICE. BUT ACTUALLY I AM EXTRA JEALOUS OF THIS BEAR BC HE HAS AN ENRICHMENT PROJECT!!!!! BEARS JUST KEEP GETTIN SMARTER WHILE I JUS KEEP GETTIN JEALOUSER

it cost me $4 to give you this message

2009-08-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

Coupa Cafe is bad. Really really

BAD

I don't even know were to begin. I've never upped the size of the font before on my blog, but it was just so completely warranted.

I just judge a coffee shop primarily on the basis of its espresso. I think this is really the only way it should be because what is a coffee shop besides its coffee? There's decor and things to take into account, but if you hate drinking what they're selling you aren't coming back. Coupa has decor in spades.

I went in and ordered my standby, an iced vanilla latte. I've had hundreds of these things from hundreds of locations. I was exploring the place since everyone had been telling me to go for so long so I wasn't nearby when they called my name for my drink. Someone else almost took it, mistaking it for an iced coffee. That was the first sign of the apocalypse. It looked way too dark, but I left with it anyway. I eagerly take the first sip as we hit the sidewalk and

BAD

Ran into Paul on the sidewalk, and he asked how it was. I said, "Way bottom 50%. Yeah, this is not good." The more I drank to try and convince myself I could stand it the worse it got. I finally said, "I can't do this. I'm going to ask for more vanilla." Usually, if the espresso is sub-par I just get more vanilla and it covers up the taste well enough that I'm happy with a vanilla drink with slight coffee tendencies. So they graciously give me more vanilla. You know how it's always Torani syrup that's pretty standard for coffee shops, and it's usually sitting on a shelf behind the esperesso machine or something? The chick pulls out this offbrand syrup from a refrigerator. A fridge. I'm not saying that this was what caused the train wreck, but it's something I've never seen before, and I've never had such an abysmal beverage either. So I take it back outside and

BAD

Actually way worse than bad. We're talking

SWILL

It actually got worse with more vanilla, which up until today I thought was impossible. I took a sip and then just stopped and yelled, "Bad!" I gave it to Paul to taste, and he concurred. I tried another sip, and then just said, "I can't do this. This is disgusting." And I THREW IT AWAY. I trashed an iced vanilla latte. That's sacrilege in most parts of the world for good reason, but there was no choice in this case. I've never had a cup of coffee that

BAD

To all of those that urged me to go to Coupa. What planet do you live on? Are you all criminally insane? Paul, evidently, had never had the espresso there so that's his excuse. The worst part is that Coupa is taking over Moonbeans' old space on campus. I'm glad I graduated before that atrocity was allowed to take place. Some of the best espresso I've ever had replaced by the absolute worst.

I didn't know I was a coffee snob, but after that experience I readily embrace it. We went to Doge afterward to get a replacement beverage, which was naturally spectacular. Eduardo was there, and I told him the story. He was disappointed in me for going to Coupa in the first place with good reason. I explained that it was only because it was a to-go latte! I was giving in to peer pressure and curious about new things. Well, curiosity killed this cat. And my $4.

So let me repeat for emphasis:

BAD

Do not go to this place, unless you want to know what truly detestable coffee tastes like.