Mind

Hello

2009-07-14T08:29:00.002+01:00

I realise that some may have come

because they saw my pictures in Fusion

hoping to see more

and all they get are words

My pictures are here

ignore the giant poo

it's art

Speechless

2009-06-29T12:47:00.003+01:00

For just a moment

when I saw a mime heading into the gent's toilet

I wondered how he was going to do it

and then a moment later I realised

that he'd just be very quiet but

really over exaggerating everything he did

so I let him get on with it

alone

Snow blind

2009-06-25T11:38:00.002+01:00

Had an impromptu meeting

with a guy with very white

teeth

all I could think was

he's had those whitened

and then he said

'so can I leave that with you?'

I have no idea what's expected of me

but those teeth...

Three men walk into a bar...

2009-05-28T21:53:00.004+01:00

Each are carrying a folded plastic bag
one is from John Lewis
one is so tightly folded I can't see where it's from
the third is a loosely folded orange bag from Sainsbury's

One of the men says:
"Are we on tonight then gents?"
"Yes, it's us tonight."
They order a round of drinks.
"Are we ready then gentlemen?"
And they all head off into a back room somewhere.

A couple of minutes later, another group of men
arrive wearing various items of white - shirts, trousers, caps, jumpers, jackets
but nothing matches
they order pints and stay in the bar discussing
last night's match and their more recent
game of bowls

they are totally unaware that in another room
three men are 'on'.

Home cooking

2009-05-27T17:12:00.002+01:00

I'd quite forgotten how delicious
the taste of raw egg, sugar, flour and butter
is when you run your finger
around the mixing bowl

and now the house is full of the aroma
of freshly cooked
cup cakes

and I have to wait
for them to cool

Train train train

2009-05-22T20:45:00.002+01:00

I've never had to stop at a
level crossing before

today

Swineshead Bridge level crossing
put an end to that

2009-05-20T23:24:00.001+01:00

cold cloudy cider
foggy thoughts come to mind
what happened that night

A vist to the Film Archive

2009-05-20T14:06:00.001+01:00

1431/69 is a bad can
apparently
but no sign of Vinegar Syndrome
which
apparently
is a good thing

Sunny days

2009-05-20T08:37:00.003+01:00

The man on the radio said that rain would
dominate again today with only East
Anglia getting away with some fine
weather

it's funny what a difference twelve months
can make to the way you feel about
the weather

Mary Whitehouse lives....

2009-05-19T22:32:00.004+01:00

I met man who wants every swear word
banned from TV
when I challenged him
he used the word
'gratuitous'
so do you want them banned or not
'context'
so that's a no then
'I'm not back peddling'
and walked away
no doubt thinking that he'd made his point
well

Soap opera

2009-05-19T22:23:00.003+01:00

For a few days I've had trouble
with the soap in the shower
it's too small to handle properly
but too big to throw away

The solution was easy
swap it with the much larger soap bar
in the sink

this morning the soap in question
went on a ceremonial fly past
out of my hand
past my ear
into the toilet

A year and a day

2009-05-17T22:10:00.003+01:00

I'll never stop missing her
but now the only way is onward
until such time
as others miss me

Ute Lemper

2009-05-17T07:38:00.002+01:00

Up to eight minutes past eight
last night I hadn't heard a note
from Ms Lemper so I wasn't really
sure what to expect

I'd be forgiven for thinking I'd somehow stumbled
across the Eurovision Song Contest as a packed
Theatre Royal vibrated to a selection of continental
favourites all sung in their native tongue

She can belt out a good tune
She can spin a good yarn
She knows how to get into the hearts of her audience

I wasn't sure at first
but slowly my heart melted
Ute Lemper is pure showbiz

Now living in New York she bragged about her love
of Berlin where she was brought up
and perhaps my only criticism would be that we
didn't get enough Berlin as we raced through Paris and America
and tangoed in Argentina

The previous night Philip Glass had produced
magical sounds from the piano
that same piano Ute was draped over
in her black sparkly dress
while all around me men drooled

Then Mack The Knife, Cabaret and All That Jazz
and she was gone
So douze points for Ute Lemper

and that's just for rolling her Rs

Philip Glass

2009-05-15T21:56:00.002+01:00

Just back from seeing Philip Glass
in Norwich
his hands wouldn't look out of place
in an episode of Wallace and Gromit

I'm fascinated with the way pianists
use their hands
some hammer
some caress

Mr Glass tends to leave his left hand
rolling around the middle of the keyboard
while his right goes off chasing notes
or gently teasing them out of the keys

2009-05-15T21:55:00.001+01:00

I appear to have let
my mind wander
I'll see if I can get
it back

Two guys on the bus...

2009-04-04T17:46:00.002+01:00

Man 1: You knew Charlie didn't you.
Man 2: Yes. Everyone knew Charlie.
Man 1: Such a shame. He was a lovely man. Didn't you work with him?
Man 2: Oh you're going back now. Must have been thirty years ago.
Man 1: He had that Alzheimer’s thing that messes up your memory.
Man 2: Who? Charlie? I though he died of cancer.
Man 1: Nooo. That was the other Charlie.
Man 2: Well which Charlie are you talking about?
Man 1: Charlie ******.
Man 2: Don't know him.
Man 1: You worked with him.
Man 2: Did I?
Man 1: You just said you did.
Man 2: Did I?
Man 1: About thirty years ago.
Man 2: Do you mean Milton?
Man 1: That's him. Dunno where I got Charlie from.
Man 2: I think he was from Dareham.
Man 1: Who Charlie?

My stop couldn't have been more untimely.

What a cut

2009-02-21T16:21:00.003Z

I popped my head into the barber shop
on Bridewell Alley and pointed to my
unkempt locks
"Can you do anything with this?"
The barber looked a little surprised
"Not today, sorry."
Which didn't fill me with much hope
as he was trained to deal with such
matters

A short time later in Gatsby's
'Creative Hair Artists For Men'
I discovered that the barber was moving house
"By the time I get home I will have moved"
I sat and smiled and nodded as the hair fell
softly around me like snow

And I spotted my father in the mirror
again

Border line

2009-02-20T14:43:00.003Z

Had an interesting letter from Borders

explaining in some detail

how to successfully remove the

sticky orange price label

from their magazines

Straight back at ya

2009-02-10T21:51:00.003Z

It was suggested to me

the other day

that the sudden appearance

of a long grey eyebrow hair

was nothing more than a sign of age

another sign is when the guy in the

bathroom mirror looks old

enough to be your father

but then you remember what a

lovely old man he was

and you exchange a nod of

appreciation

Today's lesson - German sayings

2009-02-07T23:35:00.003Z

Apparently the Germans don't say

'there are plenty more fish in the sea'

when someone breaks with a partner

they say

'lots of women have beautiful daughters'

(or beautiful sons - but I don't think

that works quite as well)

Help

2009-02-06T21:48:00.002Z

Are pistachio nuts like
Muscles
in so much as you shouldn't eat
the ones that haven't
opened?

Write then

2009-02-04T18:39:00.001Z

I've decided to set myself a challenge

I'm going to write the prequel to

The Bible

Moan moan moan

2009-02-02T08:04:00.002Z

The Today programme on Radio 4

is often criticised for being London centric

"The weather, well looking out of the window

it's still snowing here. As for the rest of the

country, if you haven't had it yet, you will."

Then the poor weather guy copped it

"Please don't use the phrase 'Snow Event'

again - people are complaining and want to

know where they can buy tickets."
"OK John, but there is a serious weather situation

happening at the moment..."

Why are we letting people use the English language

to destroy the English language?

Remember...

2009-02-01T18:34:00.001Z

You're only as old

as all those decrepit

friends at a school

reunion look

Size matters

2009-01-29T17:38:00.004Z

We met round a table

at Marzano's in Norwich

they

organisers of an arts festival

a link to a possible venue

We put our red Moleskine

diaries on the table

theirs

3.5 inches by 5.5 inches

mine

5 inches by 8 inches