All That Klausner

Guys

2009-08-08T21:17:00.007-05:00

I just came back from a weeklong vacation and all I can think about is John Hughes and sand. Here's a photo from New England, where there are beaches and things.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I started a tumblr and you can read it here. I'll still be posting on this blog, but I thought it might be fun to have another spot I could use as a sketchbook, a notepad, a cabinet of curiosities, a hope chest, if you will, for jottings and dabblings and links to articles about Micky Dolenz's wife, who's apparently been arrested for stealing money or, in the words of The Post, "[making] a Monkee out of the city." I could also be dead wrong. But, in the meantime, jot it down in your dabbler! And, for your widget pleasure, there's a feed to the tumblr I've named "Klausnerama" on your right, in that column, below the thing that says "About Me." Click away!

Thank you.

My New Best Friend

2009-07-31T07:12:00.004-05:00

just sent me two fantastic Doggy Door-themed Youtube videos. Both feature unsettling accompanying music, so be sure to turn the volume on your computer all the way up.

Here is "Cute Sheep Trying to Get Through Dog Door" (Celtic Folk style)

And here is "Cat Evicts Dog At Door" (Dragnet style)

Hey, Code Pink!

2009-07-30T11:30:00.002-05:00

Now that Bush is out of office, couldn't you gals find a better new cause than removing everybody's favorite mud from Duty-Free stores near the El-Al gates in PETA-style bikinis?

Via Jezebel

This Photograph Has Caused Me To Reconsider My Limited Denim Policy

2009-07-27T08:32:00.002-05:00

Citizen TMI

2009-07-27T08:28:00.002-05:00

This weekend, one of my gay friends explained what a "rosebud" was. It totally changed the meaning of Citizen Kane for me.

Fake Jerk

2009-07-09T11:43:00.002-05:00

If you listened to this week's Best Show, Tom talked about some clown who impersonated Guy Fieri to get into a baseball game. Guy Fieri, for those who don't know, is revolting on both of his gigs; as the current spokesperson for T.G.I.Friday's, and as host of the Food Network's "Diners, Drive-In's and Dives."

He also makes the guy from Ace of Cakes look handsome and stylish.

Here's the video of the second-ugliest guy in the world, giving an interview like he's the same schmuck in the wraparound sunglasses, bowling shirt, and bleached hair who eats cheesefries for a living, instead of just as a hobby.

My Book!

2009-07-08T14:07:00.004-05:00

Holy shit! My book is available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders & Indiebound, as I live and blog!

Here's the cover. Judge it by it!

I Met Tyler!

2009-07-08T14:05:00.002-05:00

And he made me a coke cake! It was so good, I'm tempted to crown him the NEW cake boss.

The Best Thing in the World

2009-07-02T17:56:00.005-05:00

Here's my favorite birthday gift of all time, one day early: a video of the most head-tiltiest, internet-not-understandingest, cutest dog ever watching a Youtube video of his cat friend. The best part is when he goes over to check on the cat, because he doesn't understand how she could be there and also here. Oh, wait, I'm sorry: the best part is all of it.

How The Can Opener Works

2009-07-01T12:15:00.002-05:00

It's Woody Allen Week over at ThisRecording.com. Check out my piece on Hannah & Her Sisters.

Your Daily Hubris

2009-07-01T09:22:00.003-05:00

From HuffPo: Marshall Fine, best known as the "fine" referred to on his website hollywoodandfine.com, writes Zach Galifianakis an Open Letter, pleading for him not to "sell out" to "suits." [Via Gabe]

From IMDB.com User Comments: The best writer in the world has crafted an amazing rant decrying the cancellation of "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place." Nate found this, and I posted it in its entirety on the blog.

From SOAPnet: Jesse's tip pays off. Here is the magnificent Danielle Staub as "Mow-ra" the villianess, from a 2001 episode of All My Children. "The question is, what hasn't she done?"

In Which I Am Servicey

2009-06-29T10:51:00.003-05:00

Hello! So, as you can see from my post title, I am very good at blogging. And with Best Week Ever's temporary demise, I am currently seeking a job for which I write about pop "cult-cha"--only wait for it, here's the catch, watch this maneuver-- for money. Do you know of such a thing? Please contact me at klausnerama (at) gmail (dot) com if you do.

Thanks! Now here's a video of a dog on a water slide.

[Via URLesque]

Mow-ra

2009-06-26T10:14:00.007-05:00

In between all the CNN-ery of last night, I managed to tear myself away from the speculation on the enormity of the death of the day to watch Part 2 of the RHONJ reunion. And it was fucking insane.

Call this a cop-out if you like, but the only way I can present that which I cannot yet digest is via dialogue. Here's my email exchange from this morning with my friend Jesse, who edits SOAPnet.com and contributes revelatory items to That's Important on a regular basis.

Watch what happens.

Jesse: What do you think Danielle tried to do to Dina??? I MUST KNOW

Me: I am APPALLED at Andy Cohen's shoddy reporting skills. He should have forced Dina to tell us all what happened. And the nerve of Bravo using Caroline's reaction in the tease with no delivery! I think Danielle hired somebody to beat Dina up. All of her trash-talking about how "her fans have her back" makes me think she has new thugs/ bouncers she is boning for protection! My favorite revelation was that Grandma Wrinkle smells like French Fries.

Jesse: I love Grandma Wrinkle so much. And I love that all Teresa said last night was “Wait, isn’t he gay?” I thought about the beating up thing too….but weirdly Jacqueline and Dina seemed too calm, if they know. Apparently Dina’s into self-help books. How can she be so forgiving!?!?! I love these women.

Me: Yes. Teresa was the Alex of the NJ reunion. She really clammed up after Andy Cohen (whom I strongly feel you should date, just to get access to SECRETS) weighed in on her revolting guido husband's homophobia. I think she's the most loathesome of all of them. And Caroline needs to knock it off with her monologues! What is this, An Evening With Eric Bogosian?

Jesse: Teresa is the most loathsome. And the dumbest. Danielle is a SURVIVOR! “We slept together for several days, hugged and cuddled and just pretended it was a movie.”

Me: Oh my God, I forgot about that! Danielle is quite possibly my favorite human.

Jesse: “Okay, we’ve established that maybe I am a nymphomaniac.”We’re putting the clip of her on All My Children on SOAPnet.com later today!!! She plays a woman named “Mow-ra.” Ooooh! Danielle’s blog said all she “did” to Dina was give Dina’s ex-brother-in-law some phone numbers because he asked her. Maybe the family was trying to get Lexie? Also, Lexie needs to blow her nose.

Me: What in Christ's name is an "ex-brother-in-law"? I am trying to think of what it could be and my brain hurts like Teresa's must when she tries remembering her phone number. Please send me the Danielle clip ASAP. Why she is not cast as a villainess in everything produced ever is Hollywood's filthy loss.

Jesse: It’s all so complex. They’re Italian. We should come out with a line of Real Housewives paper dolls.

Julie: WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING! Please start sleeping with Andy Cohen. For me? For Grandma Wrinkle?

Jesse: I would gladly do that. I need an introduction!

"For ever and ever and ever"

2009-06-26T07:48:00.001-05:00

From the Free to Be...You and Me TV special (1974); MJ & Roberta Flack

Brillz

2009-06-25T09:06:00.003-05:00

My old pal Jim A. created a Flickr set of the worst possible 33 1/3 books he could think of. Here's my favorite two of the covers he designed.

STFU Foodies

2009-06-24T22:14:00.012-05:00

Related: I'm going to start a food blog and call it "Bacon and Cupcakes, Right????"

P.S. Why haven't cupcakes gone away? Why are women still serving them to each other at parties that aren't also staffed by freelance clowns and pony-handlers?

And, more importantly, don't people realize how irreparably the cupcake-fad-that-will-never-die has damaged our collective perception the appropriate ratio of cake-to-frosting in a cake dessert? With cupcakes crowding our lives and bullying our palates into its sick proportions--like one part-cake to five parts-frosting--grown women are eating far too much frosting!

We'd all do better with the dignity of a slice of cake. I know saying dignity in the same sentence as cake is funny. But that's only because I'm thinking about the Cake Boss.

Yayyy!!! It's the Cake Boss!

You guys, Cake Boss is the best show. I know those monstrously ugly, pigeon-toed, hipster acne victims from Ace of Cakes probably watch his show just to sneer at how amateur his cakes are, but I'm on team Cake Boss all the way. The people on staff at Bruni's Bakery are morbidly obese and colorfully ethnic, instead of Aspberger's-edly pale-faced and a retro lunchbox short of a full-on 90's cliche.

And at least the Cake Boss made a Zombie Cake that was genuinely horrifying, and his Bunny Cake even less intentionally so.

The Cake Boss has undone the damage to Italian Americans from New Jersey that Caroline Manzo has singlehandedly wrought with her Medusa familia. Viva him!

Exclusive Footage of Mark Sanford's Press Conference!

2009-06-24T16:18:00.000-05:00

New Video: Astrovibe

2009-06-22T10:55:00.006-05:00

I made this last October for a Sierra Mist-sponsored project called Funny Breaks, with the help of the fabulous Lori Nasso and the very funny Hugh Fink. Ulterior Productions shot, directed & edited, and I wrote it, with the guidance of Ms. Nasso. Enjoy!

RHONJ Breaks Ratings Records

2009-06-19T08:44:00.006-05:00

Congrats, you whores!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey actually made my brain sick. But kadooze to Bravo for combining their established brand with the kind of crazy you only find on true Reality breakouts. The inclusion of Bernie Kerik in the finale was a tip of the hat to the affluencers who know who he is, and the table-flipping apropos of NOTHING made sure all 4.6 million viewers were entertained.

I watched every minute of RHONJ, or Guido Beach 2, because I feel obligated to spend my Tuesday nights with upper-middle class women of a certain age from the safe distance of my living room. But The Real Housewives of New York City are my favorite of the franchise, and I miss those bitches.

Because although you couldn't call all of the New York women smart--at least most of them were educated. And from Caroline Manzo's sneering about how she thought being "life-smart" was better than being "book-smart" in episode one, go ahead and marvel at the irony that the whole dinner party meltdown, not to mention the crux of the drama throughout the entire season, all came from a book.

The evil Manzo Sisters, the rock-stupid Jacqueline, and the despicable prostitute Teresa Guidice--perhaps the only stage mother whose children would be serviced with a life in show business, as their only genetic alternative is flunking out of "book-smarts academy" AKA "school"--should all pat themselves on the schiena for perpetuating the ugliest of Italian-American stereotypes. While Jill Zarin ended up showing America what a classy Jewish woman looks like, they made Jersey ladies seem like bullying, shallow, mean girls with means, without any intellectual curiosity or tolerance for people outside their socio-cultural clan. Danielle, meanwhile, in true underdog form, has gone and brightened Michael K's inspired existence, so God bless and keep her and her fantastic eyebrows.

I had high hopes for this show. I thought it would combine the format of the RH franchise with the best parts of The Sopranos--I always loved the female characters on that show, and preferred the family conflict to the crime drama. But in the case of The Sopranos, a genius EP and writer was pulling the characters' strings. In this case, producers just wound up the ones that came attached.

I guess it's good TV, but I miss the genius pomposity of The Countess, and Ramona's incredulity when Bethenny told her that, to keep her brand consistent, she should spell her Tru-Renewal facial products and her True Faith Jewelry line with the same incarnation of "Tru."

And while Ramona displayed a novice's understanding of what it means to be classy when she went on TV and debated what it meant to be classy, she still looked up Richard Meier after Kelly invited her to his studio. Sure, anyone can type an architect's name into Wikipedia, and nobody should make a point to talk about doing it--but at least Ramona took the trouble to put some effort into learning about the accomplishments of someone with talent, so she could have something to talk about when she got to see his work. Instead of her new fucking bubbies, and how her husband tried to rape her in the car after she got them.

Class up, Jersey.

You gonna start knockin' my hobbies?

2009-06-19T08:21:00.002-05:00

Raw cookie dough is hard to avoid eating sometimes--but health officials are warning to stay away from the sweet treat.

Great News, Guys!

2009-06-15T23:37:00.003-05:00

This week, Lorne Manly is going to be answering questions from NY Times readers about, wait for it, ENTERTAINMENT!

Come on, everybody! Stand up and applaud! For Entertainment Editor Lorne Manly!

LORNE!!!

MANLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lorne Manly.

This is the best.

2009-06-15T23:29:00.001-05:00

Kate Pierson is my Spirit Animal.

B-52's Private Idaho
Uploaded by rycko35. - Explore more music videos.

Overhound

2009-06-15T22:56:00.001-05:00

"Basset Hounds do not exist."
Overheard in New York, via Rachel.

80's/50's Day

2009-06-15T14:55:00.002-05:00

It's 80's/50's Day over at That's Important, and I'm blogging as fast as I can. Please go and check it out, and before you complain: Grease 2 is 80's/ 60's, so it doesn't count.

Afternoon Quote

2009-06-05T12:25:00.004-05:00

"Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, 'Daddy, who is that?' And I'll say, 'It's not nice to point at single, fat women.'"

--Albert Brooks in Broadcast News