God Watcher

A Second Date

2008-07-22T14:43:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago, I blogged about a 'first date' I'd had with a church. After a process of continued discernment (the search committee's, the Council's, and Tim's and mine), I find myself the single candidate for the position of the Pastor of the Celebration Community of Harderwyk Ministries here in Holland (Harderwyk is a 126 year old church that is now made up of three congregations).

The 'second date' is on the horizon. It will involve preaching and leading a morning worship service and a congregational interview, among other things.

This position primarily includes two aspects: I would be responsible for the preaching and shepherding of the Celebration community and I would provide pastoral oversight for the diaconal ministries of all of the Harderwyk communities.

This post is rather news-y. Trust that there are all sorts of emotions and several conversations - with friends, with Tim, and with God - that are happening in our home and in our hearts. Tim and I are part of communities (Calvin Seminary and Faith CRC) that we love and that we'd leave if a call were extended and accepted. We appreciate the wisdom and encouragement of our colleagues and friends at both of these places of ministry.

It is strange and right to find myself in a 'discernment' process - a process that I've walked through with so many in the last three years as pastor for discernment at CTS. And yet - not so strange, I guess... the luxury of being a pastor for discernment is that I've been practicing this spiritual discipline on so many levels with so many situations... This is just one more opportunity (albeit a rather large one) to listen to my Creator, to trust in my Savior, and to walk in step with the Spirit.

soft like air

2008-07-21T20:30:00.003-04:00

You know how it feels when you put your finger in a glass of exactly room temperature water? It's such a strange sensation - - - there's a difference between the air and the water, but it's so small - you hardly notice it.

So it is with Naomi's skin. When I slowly touch her little arm, I can hardly tell the difference between the air and her skin. There's resistance, but no difference in texture.

She's soft like air.

Pictures for Daddy

2008-07-14T15:24:00.010-04:00

Tim is in Mexico on a mission trip. I told my mother-in-law as she left the house this morning that, thanks to her, I am not only sane, I'm relaxed. She helped out the last few days and my parents are heading to Holland tomorrow evening.

I'm posting a couple of pictures for Tim so that he can see his daughters from a distance...

Samara loves her letters

Samara and her friends in Naomi's crib.

Samara and her friends with their mommies.

Samara eating grapes while holding a picture of her and Daddy...
she was trying to feed Daddy the grapes.

Samara's hair today.

Naomi... Funny story: Grandma was singing 'Old MacDonald' Samara.

When she got to...'and on that farm he had a horse... with a Neigh-Neigh here and a Neigh-Neigh there...' Samara pointed to Naomi, who we often call 'Na-Ne' after NA(omi) (Re)NE. :-)

Samara 'reading' to Naomi.

Eyes like blueberries

2008-07-05T15:16:00.006-04:00

Grandpa and Grandma De Jonge came and celebrated the 4th of July with us yesterday. Samara was in heaven. She woke up from her nap to find two of her favorite people in the house. We ate good food (I even bought myself a food processor yesterday in order that I might make pesto from scratch!), we had good conversations about vocational possibilities, and Samara had lots of 'Gamma' and 'Gampa' love. She walked around outside with them, threw stones in a drain hole and even learned how to toss helicopter seeds into the air to watch them spin.

On a side note, I'm just now remembering that Uncle Robb told us that 'samara' is the technical name for those helicopter seeds... From Wikipedia: "A samara is a type of fruit in which a flattened wing of fibrous, papery tissue develops from the ovary wall... The shape of a samara enables the wind to carry the seed away from the parent tree..." That definition of her name will be so appropriate about 16 years from now... I'm writing her high school graduation card in my head as I type...

Anyway - a couple of my favorite moments from last night... Grandpa and Grandma getting roped in to singing 'The 12 Days of Christmas' to Samara (she has a book of this song that she insists we sing to her...) and the moment that Grandma told Samara that her eyes looked like blueberries.

The only times all night Samara wasn't smiling
was when we were taking her picture...
but there are the blueberry eyes. :-)

Too cute

2008-06-21T20:43:00.000-04:00

Samara's first sprinkler experience

Moments after Naomi's first bath

2008-06-21T20:09:00.001-04:00

Daddy's soothing hand

Exponential Love

2008-06-20T13:00:00.004-04:00

While pregnant with Naomi, I had the fleeting worry that - because I loved Samara so much - it would be difficult to share my heart with another child. I was assured by other moms and by my own experience of being loved-well-among-siblings by my own parents that your heart expands to include the new little one and there's always enough love to go around. I had no doubt this would happen for me. Even still, my heart caught as we said good bye to Samara last week Thursday at 5 minutes to noon. She was stuffing herself with mac and cheese; she hardly looked up to say good bye.

In the last seven days, I have remembered how to nurse and how to live on less sleep - as I expected. I've lost 25 pounds and gained - as I expected - a vast space inside to fill with love for Naomi. But here's what I didn't expect. I didn't expect my love for and delight in Samara to grow like it has. I am just as enamored with the newness of Samara as a sister-in-relationship-to-Naomi as I am with the newness of Naomi. Samara has become more her own person - more distinctly 'her' - because her own heart and world have expanded. And my love for Samara has grown. I figured there'd be room for Naomi - and I've been given that, plus even more room for Samara.

Thank you, God, for creating us to be in relationship... You must take such great joy in your children becoming more of who you've created them to be when they enter relationships with your other children. How vast your heart must be. O Love, how deep? How broad? How high? Beyond all thought and fantasy...

Naomi Rene

2008-06-16T14:11:00.011-04:00

Naomi Rene De Jonge
June 12, 2008; 5:32 pm
8 lbs, 2 oz; 20 1/2 inches long

Most people who read this blog are also connected to facebook and/or to Samara's Care Page... so, I'm guessing Naomi Rene's birth last week Thursday at 5:32 pm won't be news to most... But I figured I'd better document here...

Ah... It's been four days since labor began. I'd had a great week with Samara... waking up with her each morning, running around doing errands, reading books. Tim and I even squeezed a date night in on Tuesday evening... got a babysitter, went to a nice restaurant in downtown Holland and then to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream afterwards (chocolate dipped waffle cone; one scoop of chocolate mint; one scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough).

Right before our date on 6/10/08

I was going to be induced on Friday morning at 7am, but our doctor called to see if we could switch our induction time to Thursday afternoon instead. And then at 11am on Thursday morning, the hospital called saying that I could come in at noon already if I was ready. So, Tim and I had a little bit of the adrenaline rush that comes with packing last minute things quickly and getting the babysitter arranged at the 11th hour.

I got hooked up to the monitors before 12:15 - was told that I was having contractions already! My doctor broke my water at 12:15. Pitocin started at 1:00. I got an epidural at 4:00.

By 4:45, I was dilated to 7 and almost completely effaced - ready to push within a half an hour - and one push and a little bit later, Naomi Rene was born.

Tim got it all on video and I've watched it a couple of times. Wow.

I'm on the post partum emotional roller coaster. Yesterday, I cried a few times wondering how in the world I was ever going to do this and today I feel on top of the world (i.e., Saturday night = bad night of sleep; last night = great night of sleep).

A few moments I don't want to forget...

Just before it was time to push, the nurse spread a receiving blanket over my pregnant belly. That full expectation that she was on her way and would be outside instead of inside in a matter of moments was an unexpected moment of joy for me.

Saying 'Naomi' out loud for the first time after she was born... choking up each time we said her name to someone on the telephone. There's something so new and fresh and hopeful and true about a baby's name.

The first time Samara met Naomi. We've got this on video as well. She scooted right past me when she got into our room... no interest in giving me a hug. "Baby? Baby?" She looked all over for Naomi - and from the moment she laid eyes on her until now, Samara has been a verbal gushing fountain... using every word she knows to describe Naomi. She says, "Eyes, ears, knees, ankle, elbow, coughin', yawnin', cryin', head, hair, pants, hands, diaper, Baby, Baby, Baby." And I hear love.

Hugging Tim straight on instead of sideways. :-)

Riding out of the hospital in a wheel chair with Samara on my lap, Naomi in the car seat in Daddy's arms. Breathing the air of a world that now holds Naomi - breathing the life of the God that holds Naomi.

Carrying Samara in all of her toddler-ness post Naomi's birth... She seems to have aged three months in this last week.

And now - because Samara is waking up from her nap, I'm going to close this post off... and thank you all for your prayers, excitement, and joy...

A grinning Naomi - pic taken 15 minutes ago: 6/16/08

Samara Week

2008-06-08T20:02:00.007-04:00

I've been so anxious (read: excited and curious) about Bee Bo's birth... ready for it, waiting for it, hoping for it. I walked 22 miles last week trying to get things going.

And now the end is in sight. If I don't go into labor by Friday morning at 7am, my doctor has scheduled an induction. So, Bee Bo will be born this weekend - if not before. (No, I'm not overdue - my due date is June 13. Yes, I know that for some this sounds invasive/not natural - but this is the route we're going.)

Anyway - knowing that I have five more days until Bee Bo is born has given me a whole new perspective. I'm looking forward to this week with Samara. My maternity leave has started and Samara and I are just going to enjoy mommy/Mara time. We kicked the week off with matching pigtails and lots of cuddly pictures this morning...

Love you, Mara! Looking forward to a fun week with you!

Imm(i/a)nence

2008-05-29T14:52:00.006-04:00

Me with Jenna Brandsen at her graduation party on 5/27.

If Bee Bo were to have been born at the same point in the pregnancy that Samara was born at, she would be three days old - and so, I am officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

So, I haven't been in this physical space before, but I also haven't been in this mental space before - the imminent space.

When Samara was born 2.5 weeks early, I was completely shocked. I hadn't thought it possible for me to go early, but then my water broke and there she was. Now, I know that it's possible and so June 13 seems like a long ways away and Bee Bo's birth feels much more imminent than Samara's ever did. So, I'm living between the now and the not yet with this dual sense of 'any time now!' and 'keep yourself busy or you'll drive yourself crazy!'

The immanent one - whose presence inside I feel all the time - is imminent - so much so I can almost taste it.

Oh that I would experience and long for the Immanent Imminent One with as much excitement and curiosity.

Mother's Day / Pentecost

2008-05-15T20:27:00.004-04:00

I spent my second Mother's Day on a 'first date'... (here's the explanation of my cryptic reference to important engagements in a post below)... not with a man, but with a church.

A couple of months ago, I was approached by a head of a search committee at a church. He started talking to me about a position that was open at his church and I listened with the kind of ear I normally listen with - which is half-an-ear. Normally, I get asked by search committees and members of vacant churches if I know anyone at the seminary who might be qualified for/interested in the open position they have. This conversation was different; he asked me if I would be interested. I told him to back up and start the conversation over. This kind of inquiry has come my way only once before and I was in no position to be interested at that point, so I asked him to repeat himself so that I could listen with a full ear - with both ears.

Long story short - they've narrowed their search and I am one of the applicants they're considering. I'm in a great place. I love my current job - Tim is content as well in his position - and yet we're open to possibilities - and this is a possibility.

My 'first date' (their words, not mine) with the church consisted of six meetings with six groups of people over the course of 26 hours - and then I preached this past Sunday. I have no idea where this will go. Although the word is that I was well-received, I'm not counting any chickens at all - I'm living and working as though my first date was just that and nothing more. And I'm praying for them as they 'see other people.'

Sunday was Mother's Day and Pentecost. I preached from Ephesians 3...

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I wouldn't have had to have included a reference to Mom's Day in my sermon (not a big fan of Hallmark in the church), but as a pregnant mom in a congregation mostly made up of people over 50 - a congregation that has only ever heard one other woman preach, I did indeed finish my sermon with a bit of a dip into 'mystical motherhood'...

Christ frees you to live your lives apart from sin. Just as surely as water washes dirt from the body, so certainly has the blood of Jesus cleansed you of your sin. Christ forms you into his likeness. Just as surely as the bread nourishes our bodies, so certainly does Christ nourish us by his body to live in the form of Christ. And, Christ fills you now and always with his fullness. If a mother can be a symbol of grace today – just as surely as my womb is filled with a living, moving child, so certainly has your spirit been formed to be filled with the living, moving Holy Spirit.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Samara in a year...

2008-05-08T16:38:00.002-04:00

A little video that I want to keep a constant link to on my blog because I love, love, love it:

Click here for The Lord's Prayer.

Thanks for sending it my way, Mom!!

the providential ... cough?

2008-05-08T15:43:00.002-04:00

Tim and I often talk about Samara's 'providential cold.' It's the cold/sore throat she and I both had on December 4, 2006 that brought her and Tim to the pediatrician's office which led to the pediatrician giving her a thorough exam which led to his observation of her distended abdomen which led to an ultrasound which led to a CT scan which led to the beginning of her healing from cancer.

We thank God for that cold... and I like to give partial credit to a friend of mine whom I'd seen the day before. She was gracious enough to keep from hugging me in order that I might not get sick, but she may have gotten just close enough to give us the 'providential cold.' I thank her and God for it.

Tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, and Sunday morning, I have several important engagements which I may or may not blog about in the future, depending on what happens... and last night, I started coughing... a dry, hacking cough = unattractive and feeling like the edge of a greater sickness. I haven't had a cough in months! Why now?

The more I think about it, the more I simply rest in the fact that God knows what God is doing - and when colds come our way, there may be a very good reason for them.

I trust that God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and if a cough is what I need to remind me that I'm dependent on God and not on myself through this weekend, then I thank God for this providential cough.

And now Samara is waking up from her nap - - - coughing. :-? Better go...

in our sundresses

2008-05-08T15:37:00.003-04:00

Samara and I on a super-hot day in the sundresses we'd just bought: orange sherbet yummy and a maternity mu'umu'u (had to look this one up to see how to spell it - so much for being a regional spelling be champion in 1989).

Kissing Chicken

2008-05-04T20:18:00.002-04:00

Sometimes funny little things happen and I think - I should blog about that - and then I don't. So, this isn't a significant post, but just a funny thing from tonight.

Samara doesn't like meat.

She loves it.

And by loves it, I don't mean that she eats it.

I mean that tonight, she pulled apart the chicken/cranberry wreath pieces that I'd put on her plate, daintily picked up a piece of chicken, and kissed it: "Mmmm-wah!" and then gave it to me.

She did the same with a spider the other day. It was crawling along the carpet. She hunkered down really close said, "hugging" - her word for 'I love you and feel affection for you'... and then made her kissing noise, after which Tim rescued the spider from Samara's love and 'brought it outside.'

My little vegetarian...

If every one of them were written down...

2008-04-02T13:24:00.007-04:00

To make room for BeeBo, Tim and I undertook the task of bringing all of our books into one room while Samara slept on Saturday...

These aren't all of them... some are in Tim's study at church - some in mine at school - some in those closed boxes you see on the carpet/chairs... But, it felt like a lot of books, especially since we were trying to organize them...

Tim and I had different organizing methods. I wanted to just start with a stack and make categories as I went. Tim wanted to draw a category like a magnet over the entire mess. We made do. It took 3-4 hours. S woke up in the midst of it all... "Buck? Buck?!" Yes, Samara, there are 'Bucks' all over the place. Don't rip them.

Anyway - we managed to get all of these bucks into 20 or so boxes... 3 to try to sell at the seminary used book sales and a couple boxes we might have to pay people to take:

And 17 to put on shelves in our downstairs study when we finish our basement someday:

When finished we were exhausted...

And then the gospel was read at the seminary's daily celebration of Matins on Monday morning:

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. John 21:25

All of my knowledge in these neat stacks of boxes...

And the things Jesus - would fill the whole world.....

Wow.

And for those of you who know that the invisible subtitle of this blog is Image-of-God-in-Samara Watcher, here are some pics.

Daddy takes pictures of my hair when he tries to do it.

My hair post-pigtails.

Berlin and Edinburgh

2008-03-25T20:51:00.017-04:00

Haven't posted in nearly a month! But... of course... many know that this is because our wee family took a non-wee vacation over the sea to visit...

Uncle Mike (Samara-speak: 'My!'):

A mango shake

Aunt Noel and Esther (Samara-Speak: some form of vocalized sticking out of tongue and 'Eh-er'):

Fiona and Brian (Samara-Speak: 'Vee' and 'Bye'):

Edinburgh Castle

Tim and I climbed this monument:

Sir Walter Scott Monument

Tim wore this hat:

A Jimmy Hat

We saw this gate:

Brandenburg Gate

We ordered pizza from this place:

Samara ate...

Shoko-Vanille Hoernchen

Ordered...

Italian Cafe in Berlin

Rode lots of public transportation...

A bus in Edinburgh

Spent lots of time 'burrito-ed' in her stroller:

Thanks, Asparagus!

Loved church...

New Haven Church in Edinburgh

Looked cute...

The sign for 'bath'

We had a rich and full time. And now... it's good to be home.

I was also going to post about the silent retreat I took this weekend... but that's for a later time... Need to watch the American Idol summary a minute... :)

Samara and Aletha

2008-02-27T11:49:00.002-05:00

Watching Samara with Aletha assures me that the up-and-coming sister-love, although tumultuous at times, I'm sure, will be filled with moments of quiet joy...

Samara and Aletha

Samara LOVES Gideon

2008-02-26T21:38:00.002-05:00

Samara and I just got back from a great few days with Tracy, Robb, Aletha, Derek, and, of course, Gideon. Stay tuned for a video of Samara 'holding' Aletha... in the meantime, a short video of Samara laughing as hard as she's ever laughed... at Gideon. Never mind that two minutes after this interchange, Gideon managed to plow her into a bookcase creating a huge goose egg. Another two minutes later and Samara was chasing him around again. :) Her first love...

Samara Laughing at Gideon

A video of my niece...

2008-02-19T06:36:00.002-05:00

Here's Aletha Reid...

(Uncle Derek is running the camera, his friend Rachel is holding Aletha initially, and Mommy Tracy stars in the diaper change/burp cloth segments)

A Dance and A Song

2008-02-14T14:06:00.002-05:00

Enjoy this video...

The first bit is from a couple of weeks ago. Samara had been dancing around like a goof for several minutes. I was laughing so hard I was crying... Of course, when I turned the camera on she became less ridiculous, but it's still a cute clip. We'll say this dance is in honor of her very first cousin: Aletha Reid Keizer - born after 27 hours of labor on Tuesday morning, February 12, 2:21am.

The second bit: a singing telegram. :-) Happy Valentine's Day.

A Dance and A Song

Some things aren't meant to be tried hard

2008-02-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

My devotional book, A Guide To Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants by Rueben P. Job and Norman Shawchuck, had this to say to me the other day:

Merton once told me to quit trying so hard in prayer. He said: "How does an apple ripen? It just sits in the sun." A small green apple cannot ripen in one night by tightening all its muscles, squinting its eyes and tightening its jaw in order to find itself the next morning miraculously large, red, ripe and juicy beside its small green counterparts. Like the birth of a baby or the opening of a rose, the birth of the true self takes place in God's time. We must wait for God, we must be awake; we must trust in his hidden action within us.

Merton's Palace of Nowhere, by James Finley

I've been thinking about prayer more often than usual because of the Spiritual Formation class that I'm taking at the Dominican Center... and so this comment complements my learning.

But I also include these words here because of my dear sister, who is waiting for her baby to be born. She is officially due tomorrow, but, in her words, she feels four months overdue. She's tried it all: mall-walking amongst the Friday night teeny-boppers to eggplant with parmesan cheese and everything in between.

Dearest Tracy... I'm trusting the hidden action that is within you and within me... praying that God's time comes soon! You're ripe enough... :-)

Love you.

An extra hug

2008-01-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

Samara usually doesn't cry after we put her to bed. Tonight - 15 minutes post-lay-down - she started crying. I figured she had lost her lovey over the side of the crib, so I went in to retrieve it... but instead of standing at the edge of her crib, pointing down forlornly at the dropped blanket, she was just laying there, whimpering. I went to her, rearranged her blankets - and then she lifted her arms to me.

She just wanted an extra hug.

Awwww....

I hugged her and found a latest favorite stuffed animal - a tiny penguin - to tuck in with her.

Sleep tight, sweet one.

And on a totally unrelated note - a black velvety maternity outfit that I bought secondhand turned my skin totally gray today. ?!?!

Death

2008-01-17T13:44:00.001-05:00

Tim and I read together 5-7 minutes a night. He reads on odd numbered nights and the 31st days of odd months. I read on even numbered nights and the 31st days of even months. I think we even have a system worked out for leap years... :)

Right now we're reading The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.

Last night, Tim read the telling of the death of a child from the perspective of her sister - who rarely speaks, but who is a philosopher and a poet and a lover of palindromes in her quiet. I share this with you because it is a haunting and vivid and true description of death, I think. And for some reason, it brought me to tears and tears and tears. Tim called it, my 'first good cry of 2008.'

I was not present at [her] birth but I have seen it now, because I saw each step of it played out in reverse at the end of her life. The closing parenthesis, at the end of the palindrome that was [she]. Her final gulp of air as hungry as a baby's first breath. That last howling scream, exactly like the first, and then at the end a fixed, steadfast moving backward out of this world. After the howl, wide-eyed silence without breath. Her bluish face creased with a pressure closing in, the near proximity of the other-than-life that crowds down around the edges of living. Her eyes closed up tightly, and her swollen lips clamped shut. Her spine curved, and her limbs drew in more and more tightly until she seemed impossibly small. While we watched without comprehension, she moved away to where none of us wanted to follow. [She] shrank back through the narrow passage between this brief fabric of light and all the rest of what there is for us: the long waiting. Now she will wait the rest of the time. It will be exactly as long as the time that passed before she was born.

I guess this tale of death made me confront how passionately I do not want Samara to die. As loosely as I try to hold her, my love for her and my hope for her long life is fierce. Tim calmed my sobs last night with a litany of all of the things that Samara has yet to experience: "Samara will die after you," he said. "She is going to become a teenaged driver and she'll get married. You will be the mother of the bride. And then she'll have babies and you'll be a grandma. And then we'll die and Samara will have grandchildren of her own."

Of course, he cannot promise me these things - but this likely story was a salve for my fearful heart.

If I hope for anything specific in Samara's life -however long or short - I hope that Samara will love God.

But even if she never reaches the age of knowing - cognitively - the One who made her and loves her with more passion and ferocity than her mother - she is a child of the covenant - held by the God who watches her and keeps her. And I believe there is a 'knowing' that is deeper and more mysterious than the knowing that precedes commitment...

Shamar-YHWH

Footage

2008-01-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently Aunt Tracy and Uncle Derek were dining together the other evening and commented that they hadn't seen any video of Samara lately... Here are is way too much footage of Samara learning to eat with a fork and a spoon... for all who are going through withdrawal (sorry for the 'smushed carrot', Bess).

Samara eating with a fork and spoon

And some cute pics!

Oh, no you're not going to get my carrot!