The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Brett Favre Gettin Jiggy

2009-08-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Recognize that smooth cat in the middle of the bunk sandwich?

The Ten Most Beloved/Transcendent/Memorable Detroit Sports Figures

2009-05-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Let's face it; the city of Detroit is bleeding like a stab wound (both economically and literally) and could use a little pick-me-up, something to stop the bleeding.

In case you have never seen a sports movie; when the going gets tough and the townspeople get down on their luck, the factories shut down, and the houses get foreclosed, it's the sports teams that pull through to raise the spirit. Thanks to Johan Franzen and the Wings, Detroiters have a little something to live for these days, as another cup looks plausible.

Unfortunately, despite the 'Hockeytown" moniker, Detroit needs a true hero to pick up the collective morale. Thus, given our penchant for the making of lists, let's go back through the annals of time (or at least our childhoods) and look at the great beloved Detroit sports personas of all time.

1) Steve Yzerman - Yzerman is and always will be the embodiment of Detroit. Stevie "Y" led Hockeytown to the Cups, played every single game of his pro career with the Wings, and played an inspired pro career spanning 24 years. To cap it off, the NHL fans voted Stevie the NHL's greatest captain. Damn straight.

2) Barry Sanders - Undeniably the biggest star ever to play a sport in Detroit and by far the most beloved, Barry exhibited the sportsmanship, the skill, and the swerve to inspire legions of youngsters to wear #20. Unfortunately, he now sits at number two on the list as he ended his career with a big diss of his franchise, but still, he never did play for any other town or ask to be traded. He just walked away when he'd seen enough. And can you blame him, it's the Lions? We'll always love him and know he'll always be the best.

3) Joe Dumars - Growing up a Pistons fan in the Bad Boys heyday, most kids sported Isiah jerseys or the savvier, hipster kids rocked a Worm jersey, because that was when Rodman was still cool and wore the shortest shorts in the NBA. Everybody appreciated Dumars for his smart reliable play and marksmanship from behind the arc, but rarely did he steal the highlight reel. Still, when MJ came to town, guess who would shut him down? When the Pistons needed a big game, guess who dropped 40 and gave the net a nasty case of leather burn? And when the Pistons franchise was stuck in expansion team blue uniforms with "horsepower" logo, guess who came into the front office to right the ship and win one more title? Yup, Joe D.

Ok fine: The jury is still out on his career as the GM. We forgive you for Darko, but you've gotta rebuild the engine from the bottom up to usher in a new era of DETROIT BASKETBALL. Our tip, hold off on spending until next season. I fear Carlos Boozer signs for a max deal and sits half the season with a swollen ego, er knee.

4) Chauncey Billups - Nobody is singing Cinderella in Detroit about the Billups-Iverson trade this year, believe me. Us Detroit fans knew we had a special player. Don't believe me, check out this old post where we rallied all the Detroit blog friends we could round up to sing our praises and try to convince Mr. Big Shot to stay put the last time the trade rumors surfaced. Go win a championship in Denver, Chauncey. You deserve it.

5) Robocop - Technically not a professional athlete, but he gave his all to the mean streets of Detroit. Plus, Murphy was a specimen. He ran a blazing "40" and could have gone pro in any number of sports, but rather chose to devote his life to putting criminals behind bars. He will always be revered in Detroit. "Dead or Alive...you're coming with me."

6) Sparky Anderson - "Bless you Boys." The lovable manager by the name of Sparky assembled the team that changed the world for my generation of Detroit sports fans (the '84 Tigers). While Sparky arguably experienced his best years as a Cincinnati Red in the 1970s, his cartoonish face and World Series crown earn him an easy place on the list. Plus, he shares a nickname with Clark Griswold.

7) Bill Laimbeer - Despite winning multiple titles with the Pistons and leading the orchestra of the Shock for however many more, Laimbeer stuck fear into his opponents. Make no mistake, people claim to have hated Laimbeer and made fun of his white boy gumpy style, but they were scared. Laimbeer was the enforcer on that team and taught Detroit that we like teams to hate us. Bring it on.

8) Nicklas Lidstrom - Arguably the best NHL defenseman of the past twenty years, Nik also lasted his entire career in Detroit. Nicklas is best summed up by looking at his assists, 769 total. He was nominated for the Norris nine out of the past ten seasons and winning six of the past seven. Yeah, he's pretty good. More importantly though, Lidstrom is a team player. Never the biggest guy weighing in at just 190 pounds, Lidstrom racks up endless minutes and plays through pain, missing just 17 games in 13 seasons. Not too many guys stick to the same team for their whole careers, so when a star like Lidstrom comes to town and stays for good, we should all be thanking our lucky stars.

9) Herman Moore - A personal favorite in Lions history, Herman Moore (before the hand injury) was one of the great - and most underrated - wide receivers in NFL history. You can't always measure the impact of a guy like Moore on a stat sheet. Oh wait nevermind, he once caught 123 balls in a single season (an NFL record at the time). He also tallied three 100+ catch seasons and notched 62 touchdowns. Herm dominated the red zone, perfecting the corner toss up and is largely responsible for the popularity of the huge wide receiver. Catching a touchdown pass for Herman Moore was more about dominating his opponent and getting position, rather than making an athletic diving grab. It didn't hurt that he also set the University of Virginia record for the high jump. I used to wonder if his gloves were smothered in Big League Chew, because the ball just stuck to those hands. Once Herman got near the corner and the ball left the QB's hands (even if it was Scott Mitchell, Eric Kramer, Dave Krieg, or Rodney Peete), you could mark six on your score sheet. God Bless Wayne's Run and Shoot.

10) Kirk Gibson - A former MSU Spartan and duel sports star, Gibby ruled the world back in the day. Shit, we all felt like he hit that homerun and gimped around the bases for Detroit in the 88 World Series, not the Dodgers. He was still a part of us.

Honorable Mentions: Ben Wallace, Allan Trammel, Lou Whitaker, Paul and Gary Gait, Jerry Ball, Chet Lemon, Jack Morris, Darrell Evans, Dave Bergman, and Darren McCarty.

Oh yeah, feel free to chat up all those that we missed. We are only human.

You Are Annoying Fake Tom Brady

2009-05-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate to admit that I actually buy this magazine now and again, have you ever noticed every issue of Men's Health is exactly the same? I'm not really sure how they get away with this, but save for maybe a couple 500 word pieces on some dapper metrosexual, they literally rerun the exact same articles month in, month out.

As hard as it is to believe that people do not get upset by this, I think they probably get away with it, because most readers are probably like me and only pick up an issue once in awhile when they need something to read on a flight. Granted the magazine has a pretty huge readership, but still they must have a small population of regular readers.

Well, this always annoyed me, but what has really taken my hatred of David Zinczenko to a new level, the man behind this fluff crap magazine, is the fact that now the front page of Yahoo! runs these same stupid articles at least once a week now too.

How long is it going to take before somebody realizes that this guy is recycling the same two piece-of-trash articles on repeat no less than 10,000 times? And the guy is neither a doctor nor a nutritionist, so why is he considered such an expert that we should all continue reading his insightful two articles?

If you are wondering what the two articles I refer to are; I'll remind you.

1) How Should I Get Flat Abs?

You should do this sweet 15 minute workout consisting of a variety of ab exercises.

2) What Should I Eat?

Superfoods! You should eat things like tuna, almonds, green leafy vegetables, peanut butter, salmon, blueberries, red beans, and grilled chicken.

Oh and since I am an expert, I better remind you that you should not eat copious amounts of Popeye's Chicken, Taco Bell, Beer, or quadruple cheeseburgers. Now you are on your way to looking good.

Thanks for the tips you ass. I never would have thought of those fail proof approaches to six-pack abs. Now think of something new to write and stop patronizing us pillowy men everywhere. Don't you get it? We want to know the secret to six pack abs without doing any work, while drinking 18 beers a day and eating the Popeye's Chicken. So figure that out with your PhD in douche, smarty pants. Until you do, we continue to hate you Fake Tom Brady.

Getting to Know the OTB (Off Track Betting)

2009-05-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Given it's derby weekend, we thought we'd provide the sphere with a little carnal knowledge on an integral part of the weekend. You see, ever since the demise of internet gambling, betting on horseracing has become a bit trickier. Fortunately, while our righteous lawmakers consider it immoral to bet on human sports, there’s seems to be a loophole that we can freely blow our personal fortunes on sport, just as long as it includes the mistreatment of animals. To make a long story short, I am referring to the ability to go to the OTB (Off Track Betting) and lay down bets on horse racing. Manhattan is littered with OTBs and you know when one is near. There is an aura emanating from the OTB for at least a one block radius, or maybe it is the fog of 27 packs of cigarettes being smoked per hour. I’m not sure. Either way, a trip to the OTB is a cultural experience that I recommend to all, just not very often.

A trip to the OTB can be intimidating, so I will do my best to prepare any first timers for the seedy underbelly (read: pit of hell) you can expect to encounter. First and foremost, there are various types of characters you will likely run into at the OTB:

The Grandpa – I call this individual the Grandpa, because he reminds me of the way things were with my own Grandpa. This is the guy usually sitting in the one random chair outside the OTB with his own ashtray. Much like at family reunions, the old man always had the best chair and nobody ever sits in it, even if he went to in the kitchen or to the throne. He also had his own personal ashtray with cigarettes miraculously dangling a four inch ash at all times. It’s important to clarify that the Grandpa is not necessarily old, but garners respect and has his own chair. You get the idea. The Grandpa is at the top of the OTB food chain.

The Toadies – The toadies are part of the regular OTB circuit. These are the guys who act like it’s no big deal that it’s the Kentucky Derby. For them, it’s just another day at the office. These dudes earned their nickname from the toadies in The Christmas Story. The toadies were the shits who thought they were tough, because they rolled with Farkus. These guys act the part, but you can just sense they are waiting to see which horses the one or two gurus go with before they place their bets. The toadies dress like the stereotypical seedy gambler from the movies and basically just flip through magazines all day. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys never actually bet, but rather preferred to just hang out for lack of anything better to do.

The Mike Dexter – This is the guy who really has no clue what he is doing, but he comes in with his group of buddies, so he acts like he knows it all. Maybe, this guy has done this once before, but he is the kind of person who would pretend to know everything about quantum psychics if he thought his friends would be impressed. He’ll probably announce multiple times to the whole room that “Dude, Curlin’ is totally gonna kick ass. He looked great at the Bluegrass his last time out.” Clearly, he picks a favored horse and rattles off a factoid that he snagged from USA Today earlier in the day. By the way, he gets his name from Mike Dexter, the douche in the epic film, Can’t Hardly Wait. This is the guy who thinks he is the bomb, but in actuality, nobody can stand him.

The Psu-Psu-Pseudos – This is a staple at the OTB or any Sportsbook in Las Vegas. Yes, it’s the pack of usually four, but up to 10 “dudes” in their mid-to-late 20’s, even early 30’s pretending to be high rollers. These guys roll into the OTB with the sole intent on placing a handful of $10-$20 wagers, including a “ballzy” $30 trifecta box. Yet, you’ll see these guys clenching their ticket in their lifeless hand as the race ensues as if they are holding a $2000 betting slip. And you’ll always know when they make pull off a $15 “across the board” winner, because they won’t shut up about it. Wait, did I just describe myself?

The Michael Jordan – These guys just know what they are doing. Customary profile is loafers with no socks, short khaki shorts. They are the big fish in the small pond filled with minnows…they are a whale, is more like it. They carry a paper tucked under one arm with their favorite handy-capping magazine in tow. We call them Jordan’s because they are strictly business and their intent is for a hefty wager, but they rarely have the lock picks. In essence they are degenerates in disguise. You can’t hide behind a cigar…we see through you.

The Girlfriends – Guys, bring your girlfriends at your own risk. Keep in mind that the guys who frequent the OTB don’t see a whole lot of these "girl" things. The OTB regulars will do everything in their power to start up conversations to show off their horseracing prowess to your ladies. Next thing you know, the poor girls are wrapped up in long-winded diatribes about the trainers, their stables, and the condition of the mud in Louisville. Undoubtedly, the girls will respond with a comment like, “Ooooh, that one has cat in the name. I love cats.”

The Preston Winchester III – These guys are the worst. This is the guy who rolls in and wants to make a show of how much money he is about to bet. This guy has seen the derby on TV and thinks it is a fashion show and that his Derby party in the Upper East Side is going to be “the” place to be on Saturday. So, he needs to roll into his party with OTB tickets showing big money bets. Little does he know, half of the people in the OTB would probably follow him out and slit his neck if they wouldn’t miss the race in order to do it.

In addition to familiarizing yourself with the cast of characters, you will need to know how to place a bet. The best advice I can tell you is use the automated machine. The OTB is a scary place and you will be made to feel inferior in every way possible when you go to the counter. Granted, if you go to the automated machine, you have about a 15% chance of placing the bet you actually intended, but you do not have to expose yourself to the humiliation of being embarrased by the OTB henchmen. True story, I cone accidentally won $600 doolars by betting my horse at the complete wrong track (aka, during the derby, but not the derby). Plus, when you bet with the automated machine, you can come back and insert your tickets to check if you won. Believe me, if you are inexperienced with the OTB, there is a solid chance that you will not know if and how much you won. This is a good thing.

Well, I hope this little tutorial inspires everyone to go out and blow some money. Considering the state of economy, I can't think of an easier way to get out of those financial troubles than to head over to the OTB. Until next time, D-Gens. Out.

How Bad Are the Lions on Draft Day?

2009-04-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

Lions fans and non-Lions fans alike perpetually joke about the woeful draft history of the Matt Millen era, but today over lunch (two crunchy chicken tacos, one soft corn tortilla steak, side of Mexican rice, some chips and uber mediocre salsa), I poured through the draft analysis in the recent Sporting News and saw this woefulness quantified.

The Sporting News issue puts forth a solid team-by-team needs analysis, but what I really love about their draft issue is that there is a team-by-team grade for the last 5 years of draft performance with legit stats to back it up. The issue lists the total number of draft picks over the past 5 years, the number of studs (loose term, but we can all pretty much agree on who is a stud and who isn't, so I trust 'em), number of starters, number of backups, number of players on other teams, and number of players no longer in the NFL.

Guess who received the worst grade? Yup, the Lions earned themselves a D-. Of the 36 picks the Lions selected in the past five drafts, they landed zero studs and only five starters. What really seals the awesomeness of this team's level of failure though, is the number of players no longer in the league.

11 of the 36 picks are not even in the NFL.

Remember, that's just a five year history. Maybe if this was at least a ten year history, that would make a little sense, but come on, that means over half those guys were drafted in the past three seasons. They aren't even 25 yet! That is 31% of all picks that are not even in the damn league.

Well, we can only continue to hope that the new administration will have a better track record. This is a key weekend coming for Detroit football as the Lions have one of the most stacked draft days they have ever seen and may ever see again. It's not often you get the first pick in the whole draft, another first round pick, and an extra 3rd and 5th rounder. The Roy Williams trade to Dallas was in my mind the best personnel move the Lions have probably ever made in my long time as a fan. I'm not exaggerating for once; I mean that. Now let's hope they take the opportunity to make this team a powerhouse on the defensive side of the ball.

For the record, my opinion on the consensus Matt Stafford pick in the first spot is "ignore the roar." I'm with the contrarians who say trade down (if anybody actually wants to trade up in this crap class of top picks) or let the clock run out. Either way, I'd take Aaron Curry (and Laurinaitis later). Risking another dud quarterback is just not a safe risk to take. The team needs to fill way too many holes with safe picks that will provide some return to risk yet another default.

As per usual, the optimism is a flowing with a little over a week to go and we're crossing our fingers for a big weekend. If there's one thing I always say that's great about being a Lion's fan, it's that the off-season is always a lot of fun. Hopefully, we'll have some reason to celebrate.

Have We Not Suffered Enough?

2009-04-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Really, Greg Paulus? While we're at it, let's see what Bobby Hurley is doing. Maybe he'd like me to wash his car? Is there nothing sacred?

Cabrera Homers Twice, Owns Blue Jays

2009-04-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

In light of the Tiger's unfathomably disappointing 2008 season, Miguel Cabrera obviously provided one of the lone bright spots. Amidst the heaping steamy pile of losses, Cabrera stashed away a .292 batting average, 37 home runs, and 127 RBIs in what was not quite a MVP caliber season, but it wasn't that far off either.

Well, thus far in the 2009 season, Cabrera looks like he wants a full scale run at it. Through three games, Cabrera notched 3 multi-hit outings and currently wields a modest .700 average. Last night, he tallied two dingers and 4 RBIs to give the Tigers their first win of the season, and more importantly, avoid the 0-7 start that we were all thinking of in the back of our minds.

Sure, it's early and this could be a flash in the pan, but once Ordonez and Granderson start hitting, the top of this order should be one of the best in baseball. And hey, we're already better than the Yankees.

A Zoom Zoom in a Zoom Zoom

2009-04-08T10:48:00.001-07:00

With two new stadiums in my neck of the woods in the new Mets and Yankees digs, I'm hoping to make a solid effort to pay a little attention to baseball this year. I say it every year and it usually lasts about two weeks before the reality sets in that fantasy baseball sucks dong and watching games is only fun at the ballpark.

Still, this year, I will stick it out. Hell, I made it out to the first ever baseball game played at Citi field, even if it was a St. John's game. Nice place though, Citi Field. The food is not all its cracked up to be, but there are lots of good spots to hang out besides the actual seat, Caesars Palace and up by the scoreboard being the best.

Anyway, the problem is the Tigers look like crap again. Off to an 0-2 start against the Jays, things are looking a little grim. The starting rotation looks fine as does the offense, so it's clear that the success or failure of the entire season rests in the hands (or Sega Thumb) of one man, Joel Zumaya. Without Zumaya, we have no hope. Maybe that's hyperbole, but with the likes of Rincon, Rodney, Lyon and Robertson in the bullpen, I honestly think with Zumaya there's playoff potential, without, there's 90 loss potential.

Zumaya is allegedly about a week away from resuming activity in the minors and hopes to be back in two weeks. Thus in about two months Zumaya should be back and playing Tiger baseball. Are the Ghosts the least bit optimistic? No, but the thought of his return would certainly increase the odds of an interesting season for a Tigers fan. After last season's disappointment, we could sure use a little zoom zoom in our zoom zoom.

Memory Lane: Mateen's "One Shining Moment"

2009-04-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, you're sure to hear this story at least once this weekend. Shit, you've probably already read it and this is simply beating the dead horse. However, we can all agree the signature moment of the NCAA tournament comes just after the nets are cut and drum roll...it's one shining moment. The thrills, chills, spills, agony and glory are delicately cut and spliced into a magical little montage.

Well, who doesn't love that moment? Some more than others. And on the eve of the Final Four and yet, another Tom Izzo team entering the final weekend, this only seemed fitting. Izzo has forged the Michigan State basketball program into something beyond special. The win over Louisville was signature Izzo, heart and soul. And that heart and soul was forged from a warrior by the name of Mateen Cleaves.

Along with Izzo, Cleaves helped to shape a new culture for Spartans basketball. For many, Magic Johnson will always remain the face of Spartans Hoops, but notching 1A on that list has to be Mateen. Everything you see from the Spartans of today was forged through Mateen's dream. Izzo preached this dream in his pre-game speech prior to the Spartans simply dismantling Louisville. And we certainly won't hear the end of Mateen's dream story this weekend, that's for certain.

Shit, we'll probably even see Mateen sitting at Ford Field in one of his vintage sweaters. Regardless, I can't help, but sift down memory lane in appreciation. The Spartans went to three Final Fours and won a Championship in my time at Michigan State. The first Final Four trip incited riots when we lost to Duke. Nowadays, the Final Four just seems logical every single season for Sparty. A lot to do with Izzo, but also a lot to do with Mateen Cleaves.

So, check out some nostalgia with this good link and back story from Mateen and Izzo, but also for all Spartan fans...relive the glory and hope for another "One Shining Moment" come Monday. Lord knows Mateen deserves to see another dream fulfilled. Sparty On!

Ask An Expert: Jack Bauer

2009-04-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yowza, we nearly let March Madness slip by without inviting even but one of our favorite minds to talk some hoops and lay down their perspective on the tournament. This year, we're gonna try to catch up with Jack Bauer on his cell phone. We all know he has some pretty busy days, so hopefully we can catch him. Let's get him on the horn...

Me: Jack, it's Entwistle. Got a second?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Go ahead.

Me: So it's down to the Final Four, what do make of the Road to Detroit thus far?

Jack Bauer (whispering): The Road to Detoit? One second. Chloe, it's Jack. Get me the schematics on Detroit International Airport. There should be an access road leading us to Gradenko.

Me: Not an access road, you know the NCAA tournament? This season it is in Detroit, do you think that provides Michigan State with an inside advantage?

Jack Bauer (whispering): There's a breach inside the FBI? I don't know how they got through the firewall, but our infrastructure is exposed. Somebody must have gotten a hold of the CIT device? This never would have happened at CTU.

Me: I bet it was Goran Suton. He seems like a terrorist.

Jack Bauer (whispering): Chloe, I need you to run a cross reference on a Goran Suton with Victor Brazen and Andre Drazen. We may have a mole on the inside.

Me: What do you make of UConn's chances to take over and win this thing? Hasheem Thabeet seems like the real deal?

Jack Bauer (whispering): We have reason to believe that Hasheem Thabeet is working with Dubaku and the Sengalis. I need to call Tony Almeida.

Me: You know what you should do? Go back to 1985 when you were awesome. Speaking of 1985, how annoying is all this talk about Villanova's 1985 season? Do you have idea how long ago that was?

Jack Bauer (whispering): I'm only like 7 days old.

Me: What ever happened to your daughter? She was the only reason I watched the show and now it sucks, but I still watch it, because I feel obligated or something?

Jack Bauer (whispering): She moved in with the original kidnapper from season 2, you know the guy who looked like Johnny Drama.

Me: How come CTU is supposedly closed, but everybody works in the exact same building and does the exact same stuff?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Things aren't always as they seem. Harris Barnes is actually Habib Marwan.

Me: Did you ever notice that if you do a google image search for Roy Williams, all the entries are of the wide receiver and none of the basketball coach. Do you think he has a CIT device or something?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Shut up before I snap your arm in half...

Me: Fine.

Ten Awesome Reminders Just How Long It Has Been Since Michigan Made It To The Dance

2009-03-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

They used to have this thing called the NCAA tournament and it was just amazing. We had this guy called Glen Rice who could just dominate. He could hit from outside, score in the post, and he even played defense. This dude Rumeal Robinson was fast like a minotaur and could make his own free throws. We even used to have this thing called the Fab 5 where they rounded up all the biggest criminals in the greater metro Detroit area and promised that in exchange for scoring lots of points, they didn’t have to play for a coach or learn anything about college. Ah, the good old days. Even that guy Maurice Taylor was pretty good until he went and rolled the Explorer with that lousy prima donna, Mateen Cleeves.

March 18, 1998 may seem an insignificant date to you stupid jerks, but not to me. You see that my friends is the last time the Wolverines set foot in a tournament that did not provide its victor with a one way flight to Italy. It may seem like a long time ago to you, but believe me, it’s longer for us. How long? This long…

1) The Sega Dreamcast is made first available in Japan.

2) Monica Lewinsky scandal: Ex-White House intern Monica Lewinsky receives transactional immunity, in exchange for her grand jury testimony concerning her relationship with U.S. President Bill Clinton.

3) Jim Carrey won Best Actor for the Truman Show. Awesome movie.

4) Citicorp and Travelers Group announce plans to merge, creating the largest financial-services conglomerate in the world, Citigroup.

5) The Chicago Bulls win their 6th NBA title in 8 years when they beat the Utah Jazz, 87-86 in Game 6. This is also Michael Jordan's last game as a Bull, clinching the game in the final seconds on a fadeaway jumper.

6) The Big Lebowski debuted in theaters nationwide to seriously mixed reviews.

7) For the first time ever, smoking is banned in California restaurants and bars.

8) Google, Inc. is founded in Menlo Park, California, by Stanford University Ph.D. candidates Larry Page and Sergey Brin

9) Seinfeld aired its last episode to 76 million viewers and the gang ended up in the slammer.

10) Coldplay, the Strokes, and Okkervil River formed. Neutral Milk Hotel broke up.

If there is one good thing to come of having your favorite team dragged through the mud for eleven years in the wake of a scandal, it’s the expectations. It no longer matters if we make it out of the first round or achieve absolutely anything at all from here on out; getting to the dance is more than enough. I feel like Sienna. Wait what? Sienna made the tournament four of the past five years? Fine, I feel like Manhattan. What? Even the Jaspers made it twice since we’ve been away? Ouch. Forget it, gimme those shoes Cousin Eddie; lets go dancing.

Source: wikipedia

Phish Returns this Weekend, but are they Really Gonna Be...Back?

2009-03-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Big Shocker for the topic of the week, huh? Yup, that's right after what seems like an eternity Phish returns to the stage this weekend in their home-court venue or as close as it gets to home, the Hampton Coliseum in Hampton, VA. In my younger days (that makes me sound so old), I ventured to Hampton twice, during the 1999 Holiday run and the re-union shows of 2003.

Ah yes, for those fortunate enough to be going - cherish the event and spectacle that it is. For me, each venture was quite the difference in contrast. In 1999, I skipped an exam in college and drove about 95 mph with my good buddy Rou and caught a couple phenomenal shows. Popping my Hampton-cherry was one of the more memorable experiences of my Phish-going days (again, I'm not that old).

Meanwhile in 2002, the experience was much different for several reasons. Well, for one I was no longer a college student and another was the connection seemed somewhat lost for reasons I've often thought about in regards to "post-hiatus" Phish, which I'll touch in just a second. Of course, I had and never have any regrets about that journey - despite that being one of the last times I've seen Phish (sans a Vegas trip in 2003).

The "post-hiatus" Phish experience was different for me on a few levels. As mentioned the connection just seemed a bit distant. I mean it's easy to get lost in the thoughts of "I'm FREEEEEEEE" when in essence in youth, we are free. However, post-college Phish was more like "damn, I'm free for about 48 more hours before I have to get my ass back in that miserable office." Ah, but I digress.

And now the point that many have pointed to in regards to post-hiatus Phish. The music was a bit sloppy. It just didn't seem the same, sure they were rusty, but it just seemed off in a sense. Yes, there were some phenomenal shows during those years, but few and far between from what I recalled as "my" glory years of 1994-1999 (and even earlier). I thought maybe I was just being a snob, but I've felt some reassurance from others that yes, the music was slightly off. Correct me here, just a little off, but certainly not terrible.

So, on the eve of the weekend Phish returns, Rupes and I were discussing just what to expect. For the record, that prick is going this weekend (the fortunes of living in New York). I on the other hand will be stuck on the beautiful sunny west coast, which Phish somehow managed to ignore in their comeback. Bitter, a little. Well, Rupes popped this question to me.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you predict Phish will be? I bet about a solid 5. They have a lot of mediocre material out there that I suspect will be around for good. I don't think I have really loved a new song since Farmhouse that I can think of. Mexican Cousin I love, but that's mainly because I like tequila."

Excellent point. And this really got me thinking? Will they be back, I mean really back? Hmm. My thoughts; I think a 5 to 7 range is a good call. I think they were super rusty last time they came back in 2002. And I also think that they've had to of listened to Coventry and realized they had some MAJOR work to do.

My guess is they've been jamming and practicing more and more with anticipation for this return. Of course, I think they'll have some stale/flat moments, but they'll definitely have some peak moments where you're like damn - that's exactly how I remembered them. It has to be that way...right?

Let's face it, you stop and think about it and compare pears and mangos. The Dead really peaked as a band in '77 - they were pretty solid from '74 through '79 (depending on your preference - sans 76 when they took the year off). However, the "great" shows were few and far between in the early 80's. Yes, there are some solid ones, but not like '77 when almost every show was smoking.

I think you have to go all the way up to the end of 1986 when Garcia finally got healthy again (post-heart attack) and then they seemed to re-energize all over again. My argument is that they indeed peaked again from like 1987-1993. Obviously, things took a turn late in 1993 and by 1994 and 1995 the music was merely "so-so" with some gems sprinkled in there.

So honestly, I see no reason why Phish can't peak again. They aren't that old and they certainly aren't as weathered as the Dead were back then. Plus, they aren't really coming back because they need to support everyone like Jerry and the Dead often felt as an external pressure. Phish is coming back just to come back, because they love playing together.

All "great" bands have to take the time to rejuvenate or re-invent the wheel slightly at some point. I mean the Rolling Stones have been touring forever. There were definitely some down years or even an era of Stones shows, where the band was fucked up or just not in sync. It's the same for most any band out there. It happens.

If we're led to believe that Trey was in fact "effed" up during the first post-hiatus comeback in 2002-2004 it would explain a lot of the sloppy play and lack of original soul the band had. However, now he's proclaimed to be as sober as can be and to be honest, just hearing some of his recent solo gigs, he's definitely got a certain umph or soul back. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was just him being burnt out or un-inspired.

There's no doubt it's possible and believe it or not, I think phish has an immense pressure on them to prove their time hasn't passed them by. Personally, I'd pit 1989 Jerry Garcia vs. 1977 Jerry Garcia any day of the week. Both years he was absolutely on fire (imho) and that's a 12 year gap. So, yes I'm very optimistic for Trey to regain his mystique. Am I over thinking the case and shouldn't I just be friggin' happy that Phish is back?

Of course, but isn't critiquing the band and certain shows what makes it all worth while? If you have no measuring stick how can argue over whether the "Bathtub Gin" you heard at the Gorge compares to the PNC "Gin" from 2000?

So, my bold prediction is that by the summer they are in full swing and hitting on all cylinders like the glory days. Just my guess, but I see a new era of Phish starting this weekend and the band once again peaking to the level we always knew and loved.

Cheers to you going if you're going this weekend, I'm definitely jealous. Regardless, you deserve it.

Michigan Hoops: Almost There or Another Lost Season?

2009-02-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

What do you make of the term "most improved?" While it should probably be fairly honorable, it just calls attention to the fact that you used to suck really bad and while you still suck, it's now to a lesser degree. It reminds me of tee ball when everybody used to get awards and they had to make up shit ones for the really crappy kids.

In a nutshell, that's how I feel about Michigan Hoops this season. The Wolverines are a legitimate threat to win every time out and in my estimation and have to be considered the most improved team in the NCAA. Still, it's still pretty tough to stomach another collapse in which, by most accounts, they will not make the NCAA Tournament yet again.

Don't get me wrong, this season has shown marked improvement and most importantly cemented John Beilein's job for the foreseeable future. Hell, it's even caused the "o" word to be bantered about with regard to the future: optimism.

On the other hand, god damn it you idiot mother bleep bleep bleep stupid bleep bleep. How could you blow it again? I can't believe we're going back to the bleep bleep NIT tournament again you bleep bleep piece of bleep.

Catch my drift? It's tough to be a Michigan fan these days. With four games to go and a 500% record in the Big Ten, they just blew a four point lead in the final one minute on Sunday against Iowa (at home) and went on to lose by ten points in overtime. For some reason, Beilein benched Manny Harris during all of this. Interesting strategy to say the least coach, but I'm still with ya. Harris didn't have it on Sunday, so I'd say that is the kind of call a good coach makes. You just hope the outcome backs the guts, which in this case backfired collosally.

So where are we now? The Wolverines face the steaming hot #16 Boilermakers on Thursday, followed by road games at Wisconsin (also steaming) and Minnesota. Perhaps a three game win streak and a decent Big Ten tournament gets the Wolverines back in tournament contention, but the odds are pretty bleak given the 8th place Big Ten standing and poor showing down the stretch as of late.

So, when we look back on this season, there is a fair chance that it will be with disappointment, yet coming off a 10-22 season without even an invite to the bunk dance (NIT) last season, the pieces are coming together and the reign of terror might finally be over. We beat Duke, beat UCLA, played UConn to the wire, gave MSU a good run, and competed in the Big Ten, so if nothing else, the season pointed this program back in the right direction with some momentum to keep moving. So tournament or not; not all is lost.

When Will We See Incentive Contracts in Sports?

2009-02-22T14:23:00.001-08:00

How many times have we heard in the past 5 years that “sports is a business?” I’m guessing it’s perhaps somewhere in the thousands, right?

Who do you think sells more aluminum siding, the door-to-door salesman who gets paid a steady salary or the one who gets paid on commission? Pretty obvious right, the one who gets paid on commission will be banging down doors and annoying the neighbors at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning.

So where is this going? I’ve been meaning to conjure up something about incentive based compensation in pro sports for a couple weeks, but the timing is now particularly relevant given NFL free agency signing bonanza is underway and we already have our first big fluffy contract in Nnamdi Asomugha's NFL leading windfall, complete with a ridiculous $28.5 million in guaranteed moolah. Well, I am a HUGE proponent of incentive based compensation in sports and truly hope it becomes the norm in contract negotiations.

As I alluded to, “sports is a business” is the ubiquitous excuse for every overtly aggressive deal, the stockpiling of talent for ambitious one-year turnarounds, and the demise of athletes spending their careers with one team and one city.

If sports is truly a business, the front office “business men” and sports agents would be wise to adopt the incentive based compensation structure that has swept the business world in the past 10 years or so. Incentive based compensation programs are logical in that they align the interests of the organization with that of its key personnel – or more simply stated, when things go well, everyone gets paid.

In business, executives typically receive incentives in the form of equity ownership, revenue sharing, stock options, and performance based bonuses, which are normally combined with a relatively lower base salary. We do see incentive based compensation pop up from time to time, but its still generally very flawed. For instance, Brian Cashman and the Bloodhounds tried to head in this direction with Joe Torre before he departed for Los Angeles. They were close, but not quite there, so let's highlight some of the oversights that occur in the rare instance incentive based compensation rears its head in contracts.

1) The timeframe – Consider a money manager and their compensation structure. Would you prefer that they receive their bonus based on 1-year performance or 5-year performance? The answer is the 5-year performance, because the shorter time horizon encourages irrational risk taking. Consider the investment manager (or front office executive) who needs to boost their performance in a single year. If the first half of the year achieves poor returns, the natural behavior would be to take concentrated, extremely risky bets in hopes of turning it around in a hurry (i.e., Brett Favre). On the other hand, a manager with the longer time horizon can make sound decisions that are expected to pay off in the longer term and build sound portfolios without worrying about the exact timing that the benefits will be realized. In sports, this is the difference between cohesive units, nurturing young talent, and drafting for the future, versus making expensive high-risk bets year in and year out. This strategy will likely lead to a lack of a close knit chemistry, but rather a group of rotating transients who hardly get to know one another.

2) The second glitch in the plan is another obvious one, but generally overlooked entirely. Coaches and front office executives regularly see incentives in their contracts, but players generally do not. You can’t offer a coach or manager incentive compensation without giving it to the players. Pro athletes’ contracts have become the antithesis of motivation. Think about the number of times you have read about XYZ fat piece of shit who is still collecting millions from a team they no longer play for. If you read Bill Simmons even occasionally, you definitely know a boatload of these guys. Simmons is the king of calling out contractual disasters – particularly in the NBA. I think this is a function of the agents being just far savvier in contract negotiations, because they have made this a norm. These guys are smart and I can’t blame them, but there is a good alternative in incentive based compensation that can easily yield the same payouts, but make for more clearly aligned interests between teams and their players.

To go back to the investment manager analogy, why pay the portfolio manager based on performance if the guys/girls doing the research are paid cushy salaries regardless of if their recommendations are any good. The boss can work his ass off, but if his team is feeding him terrible ideas and slacking, there is nowhere to go but down. As business clichés go, it’s garbage in, garbage out. The interests of the whole organization need to be aligned in terms of the compensation.

3) The metrics – Generally when you see incentive based contracts (again, generally at the coaching level, not the player), they involve a provision based on some level of success in the playoffs. Again, in the proposed Torre contract, they offered incentives based on getting past the first round of the playoffs. That is moronic. Do you really think that is motivation for the whole season? It’s so stupid and arbitrary to try to motivate someone for one week of the season. Sure you have to get to the playoffs, but there is a lot of work to do in the regular season, such as improving specific areas where the team shows weakness. The incentives should be based on things you can actually improve like the team ERA. There are a million metrics that could be used here that would actually matter from game to game, but making it about one week at the very end of the season is just silly.

4) Finally, this one is a little more of a reach, because it never happens in sports, but I think it is important. Teams should consider implementing a succession plan. Teams are forgetting about legacy and focusing on single seasons, which is new to nobody, but the plans should be in placewhen it comes time to turn over the reigns to the next generation.

So, the intent here is to show that the wave of the future in sports should be incentive based compensation. It works. Period. People like to make money, so put their priorities in line with those of the team. I may be overoptimistic, and as usual, overexcited, but I really think this is the way to shift sports back to a more team focus versus the individual negotiation focus of today, while still appealing to the bank accounts of both coaches and athletes in the meantime. If sports really is a business, it wouldn’t hurt to at least run it like a good one.

Today is his Birthday: Crystal Lake Countdown.

2009-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

(Editors Note: Repeat Alert...mailing it in!)

I never forget this day, I simply never do.

It all started in Up-State, NY in the late 70’s. That is, the legend of Camp Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees. Come on, go ahead and admit that you have seen at least one of these “classic” (and I don’t use that term loosely) films. How could anyone have possibly not seen at least ONE of these films?

The famous quote “Today is his Birthday” by Betsy Palmer (Jason’s mother) is what spurned the series and fed the legend of Jason Voorhees. And to be honest when it comes to Jason I just can’t seem to help myself, he’s just that good...a fucking legend to say the LEAST.

The man has surpassed every generational test for a serial killer. Has anyone ever sustained a longer revenge tour? You try to chop his head off, club him with a machete, file an axe to the side of his noggin, set him on fire, cryogenic-ally freeze him, send him to space, or bring in Freddy, but NONE of it works.

The guy is patient, persistent and most of all unflappable. He thrives under pressure and continuously defies the odds. Sound a little like Michael Jordan, huh? Maybe just maybe we should start labeling Voorhees as the MJ of serial killers? The only thing lacking is the charisma, but the “will” and “determination” are both there.

Oh well, but I digress.

You should know by now that today is Friday the 13th and the EPIC re-make and release hits the big screen today. I'll pause before I give my take on the new film for now. However, don't forget to scan the channels for some "original" Jason marathon's tonight. Thankfully, I own the entire collection on DVD and just maybe, I’ll have my own marathon.

You see, a lot of people tend to think that Jason is just some fucking freak wearing a hockey mask that picked up a butcher knife and started killing people. Wrong and Wrong. Jason was a “special” boy…who was simply defending his family honor.

There is a moral here…teenage counselors having sex is no way to run a Camp. None of this shit would’ve ever happened if those fucking counselors didn’t let him drown so they could sneak in a quickie in the woods. That set his mother off to get her revenge and then it just progressed from there after she got her head chopped off.

Regardless, it did happen and we may have never been blessed with the legend of Jason, had it not. And so, on this of all special days I'm going to give you an “Elite Eight” honor roll of the timeless classic horror story. Yes, eight handpicked favorite moments of mine throughout the entire series. Without having to wet your appetite any further here goes my best shot and in ascending order…

#8 – Tina brings Jason back to life with Psychic Powers (Part VII)

So maybe the writers had lost a little creative edge and were at a loss for how they could bring Jason back this time. We can only imagine that some poor writer blurted out the following…

“Let’s just have some girl who has Psychic Powers attempt to bring her father (whom she killed with the same Psychic Powers nearly 15 years to the day) back to life. However, by some freakish mistake she accidentally brings Jason back to life, as his corpse is still rotting just off the dock in 10-12 feet deep water, with a boulder secured to his ankle form Part VI.”

Coincidentally enough, that man/woman is probably not working in Hollywood anymore. Yet, I have to say the first time I saw ‘Part VII: The New Blood’ I was a believer. What seemed brilliant back then only pales as moronic today.

#7 - Rick has his eyeballs pop-out of his head in 3-D (Part III)

I’ve often longed for a pair of original flimsy 3-D glasses, so that I could capture this scene in HD/3-D style.

Let's re-hash; Rick stepped out of the Cabin to check on things, not expecting to lose sight as to what was going on (bad pun). Anyhow, moments later he was dangling on the side of the house just out of Krissy’s view and then BAM…

His eyeballs came protruding out of his head and probably created quite a special 3-D effect. This was a highly underrated take down for Jason. Rick was strong, had the characteristics of a hero and seemed clever enough to live.

#6 – Crispin Glover (Jimbo) gets corkscrewed in the Kitchen (Part IV)

I couldn’t leave out Jimbo (Crispin Glover) overcoming his “dead fuck” status and celebrating banging one of the hot twins with a glass of wine. Problem is he waltzed into the same kitchen where Jason happened to be. He also broke the cardinal rule of having sex anywhere remotely near Jason Voorhees.

So, Jason drilled a corkscrew into his hand and polished off his Picasso with a meat clever to the face. Diversity, diversity, diversity…Voorhees thrived on killing with style. No knock on Michael Myers, but he was never flashy as a serial killer, for Jason it was a craft.

#5 – Goodbye Bacon and thanks for not flashing us (Part I)

This makes the cut simply for the fact that it pertains to Kevin Bacon. Anytime you can see him eliminated from a film before he has the chance to give a full flaccid frontal shot, it's worth the nod. Technically, this murder was anything, but original. We are talking about an arrow from underneath the bed through the sternum.

Nothing flashy, but then again it wasn’t Jason that killed Bacon, it was his mom.

#4 – Alice chops off the head of Pamela Voorhees on the Beach (Part I)

As already mentioned, this was one of the most defingin moments in the entire series. After going virtually unnoticed the entire film, Mrs. Voorhees surfaces to explain the reason behind her revenge on Camp Crystal Lake. For the novice, this film and this moment really will help to explain quite a bit for you.

The significance of the scene is that the actual beheading took place just ashore from where Jason’s body lay eternally in the depths of the Lake. This is where it all began. Call it nocturnal vision, intuition or what you may, but Jason saw the whole thing transpire and awoke from his slumber to continue the Voorhees family revenge tour.

#3 – Mark takes a machete to the face and then a ride down the stairs (Part II)

While the rest of the counselors were preparing for their evening acts of coitus, Mark was roaming around in his wheelchair pouting that he was probably not going to get any pussy. He wheeled off into the night and sat out on the patio to watch the rain. Why did it always seem to rain during these movies...did Jason...make it rain?

Yet, upon suspicion he chose to follow his ear and track down the location of a peculiar noise. Always a vital mistake, characteristic of most victims, was to instinctively act on suspicion. Needless, Jason lured Mark in and plucked a machete directly to the face and sent Mark on his way down three flights of stairs.

#2 – Cort and Nikki bang in a RV, which pisses Jason off big-time (Part VI)

Classic 80’s stereotypes were evidenced in this trademark (have sex, you die) scene. As should be noted, Jason was never a big fan of sex on or anywhere near the hallowed grounds of Crystal Lake Township. He could smell the sex in the air a mile away and it served as motivation to kill.

In this particular scene Cort, a dead ringer for vintage A.C Slater was banging the typical 80’s heavy metal groupie, Nikki. The power suddenly goes out in theie RV and Cort is forced to go outside and fix the problem. He gets the power back up and running, jumps into the driver's seat and cranks the music, as the RV pulls away. Little did both know that Jason snuck in the RV somehow when Cort was fixing the power (baffling, but the man was good).

Nikki ends up having her face go through the bathroom mirror at the hands of Voorhees. Cort is oblivious the whole time, because the music is so loud (so typical). Jason strangles Cort from behind as he is driving; the RV crashes and explodes. NO surprise, Jason emerges from the flames.

You can’t STOP this guy. This double murder scene was the equivalent of a walk-off homerun in a baseball playoff game (improbable, emotional and explosive).

#1 – Julius gets into a boxing match-up with Jason and loses his head (Manhattan)

I can’t write about this scene enough without chuckling. In total I’ve watched the scene a total of 200 times and rewound it at least 200 more…if that makes sense. This was Jason’s last real stand, before they made a mockery of him.

Why not make a little humor out of murder? I mean were people ever really going to take a film called Jason Takes Manhattan seriously? Of course not, so just to add a little comedy towards the climax, Jason and our buddy Julius got into a boxing match atop an abandoned building, nowhere near downtown New York.

Julius opened with the upper hand. He threw a series of jabs that seemed to momentarily rattle Voorhees. Yet all it took was Jason landing one punch to the face, and Julius was instantly decapitated. Adding insult to injury, Julius’s head rolled down the side of the building and landed off the back of a dumpster before falling in completely. This prompted the dumpster to slam shut. It feels good to say “And-1” every time I watch this scene.

Proof positive this is a great scene; you can even enjoy it on repeat without the aid of Marijuana. That’s always a good litmus test on humor, whether you need Pot or not to laugh.

And so with all that and thanks for the ears and eyes if you made it this far. Don’t forget tonight; catching an old Friday the 13th is like finding a vintage Michael Jordan game on ESPN classic. It never gets old and kindles the memories of greatness.

A Happy Friday the 13th to all!!!

The Pistons Are Crumbling Before Our Eyes

2009-02-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

Remember looking forward to late spring/early summer and watching the Pistons and/or Red Wings embark on a drive for another title? Ah yes, the summertime in Detroit, even gives Kid Rock goose bumps. Well, bad news folks (aside from the Wings) it just ain't gonna happen for the Pistons. The funeral recession is in motion and unless you're in complete denial - you should realize this "Bad Boys Part II" era is O-V-E-R.

Then again, the writing has been on the wall for quite sometime. Before we are ready to crucify Joe Dumars for the Allen Iverson/Chauncey Billups trade, let's collect ourselves. I've said it over and over, the Pistons weren't gonna win the NBA title with Billups and they knew that. As excited as some got for Iverson, I knew they had no shot of winning it with Iverson.

The trade in essence has been the final push on a crumbling deck of cards. The veterans are tired of the same old, same old - they want to do it their way. Meanwhile, the youngsters have had enough of this "we've been here and know what to do" shit. That routine is played out. Yes, I'm talking about you 'Sheed, Rip and Prince.

On the flip side, you've got Allen Iverson thinking to himself "gee, what the hell did I get myself into?" No, Iverson hasn't exactly meshed well or been the "answer" the Pistons were looking for. However, anyone who fails to realize this was the first domino in Joe Dumars rebuilding process...you're blind. The Pistons are in full blow it up, rebuild it mode. There are no sacred cows left (sans Rodney Stuckey).

Does it hurt to see Billups yacking it up with Carmelo in Denver...absolutely. Is it a slap in the face when Billups goes onto PTI and says the Pistons would've won multiple championships had they drafted Carmelo instead of Darko? You betcha ass it does. However, that's the nature of this business. We can properly remove the genius tag from Joe D's throne now.

However, that's not to say Dumars is an idiot. For every bad draft pick or trade...he's had one equal as impressive and/or he's taken care of his mistakes. He's got a hole to dig out of right now, but you have to think he knew this was coming. Championship teams only have a certain lifespan and window for greatness. Just look at teams like the Suns and Mavs who are slowly watching their window close.

If anything, we should be grateful the Pistons were able to keep the momentum going for so long. It remains to be seen what Dumars does with this squad from here on out this season. Trading Rasheed seems logical, but are they going to get anything in return to make them immediately better? I say...nope. And trading Iverson would admit failure, plus it would be going against the whole point of trading Chauncey and that was to clear cap space.

So, my best guess is the Pistons stand pat this year. It won't be pretty to watch as they split open and melt down the stretch to a first round exit in the Playoffs. However, that's just the price of trying to hold onto greatness for a tad too long with hope. Let's be thankful for what they gave us over the years instead of crying about what's become of this team.

It's rebuild and re-load and time to usher in a new era of Pistons basketball. It might not be the same, but then again is it ever?

Rivalry Week: Take the Highway to the Great Divide

2009-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, most of the attention in College Hoops this week will rest in a certain famous 10 mile radius they call Tobacco Road. However, if you're talking I-96 to US-23 South in about an hour of your time (traffic and weather pending of course) then you're talking Michigan vs. Michigan State. Don't worry I can hear your virtual laughter, I'm good like that.

And yes, for the first time in a long, long time this game actually means something. Well, it's sure as hell getting damn near close to being a rivalry once again. Much as the Wolverines have laughed off the Spartans in football (in years past) it always makes for more intrigue when there is at least the slightest threat that the dominant power can be dethroned. Up until this year for the better part of the past 10 years it's been Michigan dominating football and then State dominating in Hoops.

Look, it's just not a rivalry when one team is winning 49-3 in football and the other is closing out Senior Day with a 30 point drubbing. Admit it, if you root for either side - it's more compelling when the two sides are reasonably competitive. Look, I'm not saying that Michigan has caught the Spartans in Hoops. No, they've got quite a ways to go. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say the Wolverines and the fucking lame ass "Maize Rage" crowd has a chance to pull off the upset.

We all know the fate of the Michigan basketball program was arguably sealed when Steve Fisher let the boosters fill the Fab Fives Nike sneakers with wads of cash. However, the real turning point came when Maurice Taylor got in that accident with a recruit named Mateen Cleaves in the back seat. Cleaves chose State and the rest is history.

Since that point the programs have gone in reverse. Michigan State has won a Championship, created the goofy and yes lame in it's own right "Izzone" and made a habit of being a Final Four caliber team - year in and year out. I think Michigan has been back to the Tournament, but once or twice on the weight (pardon the pun) of Tractor Traylor's shoulders. You get my drift...we're kinda talking about Mateen Cleaves and a curse in the same light as they used to talk about the Red Sox and Babe Ruth. Who knew?

Well, sometimes it does take just that one "key" player to change the direction of a program and get the ball rolling again. Mateen was that player for MSU and the reality is Michigan might have the program changing kid in uniform tomorrow night. His name is Manny Harris. Yes, he's a bit emotional at times, but watching from the other side (as a Spartan fan) - it's hard not to realize that he's fully capable of swinging the direction of U of M Hoops.

Oddly enough, I'm ready for it. I look forward to a renewed heated rivalry between the schools. It's just not the same when one "owns" the other. Michigan is getting close, the gap is getting narrow. Tomorrow night the Spartans will trot out a highly favored squad with Final Four aspirations. A few years back, you could laugh it off and chalk up a victory for Sparty. However, that's not gonna be the case tomorrow night.

Michigan has already beaten Duke, UCLA and hung with Connecticut. The Tournament may have to wait another year, but a win over Michigan State might re-open their name in "bubble" discussion. And that's Michigan...bobbing on the service. Are they ready to make this a rivalry again? We shall soon find out.

How to Survive Fantasy Baseball When You Don't Give a F#ck

2009-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

I know there has to be legions of folks out there that share Stan's and my pain when it comes to fantasy sports. Fantasy Football is life. We talk about it constantly and try to make it relevant year round. Does it really matter how playoff performances will impact next season's draft or how the combine ups rookies chances of getting first year playing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean it's not worth droning on about it. We love it.

Unfortunately, we split views on the rest of the fantasy sports. Stan doesn't bother to trudge through half-assed efforts in fantasy hoops and baseball. I on the other hand tend to waver back and forth. Typically, it seems much better to play something than nothing at all. The big problem is, it just isn't that fun. The daily games are super annoying, because you constantly have to fill the roster with whatever burlap bags of heavy sand you carry on your bloated roster. In fantasy football, you get to ponder over matchups all week to tweak it for the perfect balance of your best guys. Basketball and baseball involve braindead clicking all the fucking time and it's so unbearably monotonous. Sure, you can make a big trade here and there and pick up a semi-fun gamble like a Devin Harris as the Nets' fill-in for Jason Kidd at the point, but it doesn't change the fact tht you're starting dead weight on a nightly basis.

Anyway, what is the longwinded point of all this? Well, it's time to gear up for fantasy baseball and we can only assume some of you out there can't decide if you want to invest in 5 months of tedious roster filling and laying in the lowly 10-12th place puddle like a bum drunk on Prestone. So, we have a couple of suggestions of ways to make your season somewhat more interesting, particularly if you don't really know shit about playing fantasy baseball. There's the obvious, but always fun strategies like the regional approach (i.e., all Asians), the all-whites, the jaded pasts, and so on, but here's a couple new ones. Keep in mind, it won't be easy to draft all these guys, so you might need to muscle your into these teams. Here we go...

The Van Halens

What you give up in creativity here, you make up in leather pants and sick finger tapping guitar solos. Plus, this one gives you a strong theme and a good team. The rules are simple; you can use any instance of the names David Lee Roth, Eddie or Alex Van Halen, Mark Stone, or Michael Anthony. It's that easy. You're looking at a contender here.

Potential Quality Players: Alex Rodiriguez, David Wright, Derek Lee, Alex Rios, David Ortiz, Carlos Lee and so on. It's not hard to pull a contender out of this strategy. If you're are overwhelmed by the legions of marginal MLB talent, this is not all that bad of a strategy to weed out the universe a bit.

You can actually employ this approach to a countless number of your favorite themes. Let's try one more.

The Island Made Me Do It

You had to see this one coming. This is the exact same idea, but involves the characters from Lost. Unfortunately, there aren't many guys in the league named Sayid, but you can still come out just fine here.

This is a little less interesting, but there's a shitload of characters in Lost, so you'll be just fine. Unfortunately, you're forgoing most of the chicks here as Kate and Claire aren't gonna do much for you in fantasy seamball. Nevertheless, here's some of your options.

Potential Quality Players: Jose Reyes (Hurley Reyes), Michael Young (Michael), Ben Sheets (Ben), Aaron Harang (Claire's stupid baby), and John Lackey (Locke)

The Lovely Ladies

This gives you a little creativity bonus for the throwback reference to Baseball Stars and you have some decent options to field a good team. With this one you are forced to stick with names that can be used for women. You can do quite well here.

Potential Quality Players: Corey Hart, Torii Hunter, Prince Fielder (Prince is ambiguous and also a symbol), Hunter Pence, Adrian Gonzalez, Chris Young, Hanley Ramirez

The Little Leaguers

This one is more dumberer, but also fun. You are restricted to soley utilizing players who still retain their 8 year-old names. I always find it somewhat endearing when people never give up on the "y" or the "ie" version of their names, but some people find it appalling. Either way, this is another moderately entertaining option and another potential winner.

Potential Quality Players: Chipper Jones, Manny Ramirez, J.J. Putz, Rickie Weeks, Kenji Johjima, Billy Wagner, and Chone Figgins. OK, so Chone Figgins doesn't really belong, but it's a marvelous name, so it had to go somewhere.

So, there you have it. Thesse methods provide you with a little entertainment value and more importantly, they provide an excuse as to why you suck so bad.

Super Bowl Hangover

2009-02-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yay folks, this is our two year anniversary. This was the first post I ever wrote for GoWF. It's not very good and I actually didn't even drink a single beer yesterday. We've come a long way!

I hope you find joy in knowing that I will be fighting off vomit all day today. Already this morning, I nearly went into the bathroom on the Metro North train to throw up, which as you may or may not know, is arguably the most disgusting environment on the planet. Now I am faced with a lousy team meeting in 35 minutes in which various people will discuss action items for the week. Meanwhile, I will concentrate on not breathing through my mouth, so nobody will smell the gross scent of a random mixture of flavors, most notably stale beer, chicken wings, prosciutto, Chinese dumplings, and cheese. If you can’t already tell, I am really angry right now.

This happens every year and I’m so fed up. Sure, I could learn my lesson, but I rather not and it’s time to put a stop to the pure stupidity of this my greatest grievance. Why does the blasted Super Bowl have to be on a Sunday?

If you can tell me one single good reason why this is a good idea, then I will give up on my annual tirade, but I have thought this through in depth and there is not even one. Let’s think about it. Perhaps you are worried about the ratings? Dumb. It’s Super Bowl. Do you really think if you put it on Saturday night, people would actually decide not to watch it? On the contrary, this would likely increase viewing as religious weirdos across the globe could tune in, who might otherwise be doing some weird religious crap on Sundays.

Or maybe it’s that Super Bowl Sunday is a time honored tradition? Dumb again. You A-holes do not have any problem ripping down historic stadiums to replace them with random monstrosities that look like bike helmets. Or my personal favorite, you put futuristic robots all over the TV (who do nothing but loosen up the whole game) during the games.

I’m guessing the reason behind the Sunday Super Bowl is a thoughtless result of regular season games being played on Sunday. Granted, it seems logical that if regular season games are played on Sunday, why shouldn’t the Super Bowl? Let me explain why. It is a wholly unselfish cause I assure you. The world economy suffers a tremendous shock, as its entire workforce is utterly dysfunctional as they suffer through the day in sheer agony. The result over the Sunday Super Bowl is amazing when you think about it. There are literally hundreds of millions of people all over the world pretending to work right now. Every single one of them is staring at a computer screen just wishing the lights were lower and typing emails to other hungover friends.

Maybe you are worried about interfering with the important Saturday night programming? I guess the thought of interrupting the most annoying ass clown on TV, Jimmy Fallon, on Saturday Night Live would be a devastating blow. I actually just brought this point up simply because I hate Jimmy Fallon and wanted to ridicule him. Ever since I watched Fever Pitch, I cringe at the sight of him and I hate how he does that cutesy voice where he acts nervous and runs his words together. Holy crap that movie sucked. Saturday Night Live is suffering from a blatant lack of drug abuse. Anyway, I’ll get back to the point. TV on Saturday night is bad; TV on Sunday night is good. Therefore, that’s another piece of ammunition in my fight against Sunday.

I think I made my point loud and clear and it should be obvious that there is no good reason for the Super Bowl to be on Sunday. Good, I’m glad we got that sorted out. By the way, now it is Tuesday and I am really depressed, because I am realizing now that the sports abyss that is late winter is upon us.

Bet the House on the Boldin Props

2009-01-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

Short answer, yes - I'm still gambling. Long answer, we don't have enough time or space to dissect what I will be gambling on this weekend for the Super Bowl. Those who know me well enough, will know I'll be walking around with and excel Spreadsheet tracking my wagers come Sunday. Oh, the glory and agony. However, cut me some slack for shit sakes - it's the Super Bowl!

That said, I'm here to dish out the easiest ticket on the board. (Disclaimer: I must pre-apologize to Anquan Boldin, his family and his agent for a jinx I'm 'bout to lay down). Moving on, bet the friggin' one house on Mr. Boldin prop bets. Wait...what, but do you -- YES. Yes, I know who Larry Fitzgerald is and yes, I know Boldin went out like a bitch after his team won the NFC trophy last year (or it at least it seems that long ago).

Hear me out on this one. Um, Boldin was and still is a very capable #1 option at the WR position. His nagging hamstring injury "appears" repeat that, appears to be healed. Yes, Boldin was leading the league in just about every statistical category at the position before he had his face caved in against the Jets.

So, maybe dude pouted a bit, because his buddy Fitty broke the chains of obscurity and has become the sex pot of America's newest sports hero this week. Fitty is christ and Boldin is Judas, that's just the breaks bud, break it up, break it up, break down. And that's exactly what Boldin has done over the course of the past month. He's not been healthy and is burning for his own spotlight. Can you blame the guy? He's been a stud WR for a shitty team and then they finally start winning, he's hurt and everyone thinks he's an asshole.

That my friends smells like a huge "chip on the 'ole shoulder" game from Boldin come this Sunday. Oh yeah, and I think the Steelers and their "dominate" defense, might just might, focus a lot on Fitty. Ya think? This leaves the door open for a big, big day for another Cardinals WR. My best guess says it ain't gonna be Steve Breaston. Rather, it's gonna be Boldin trying to prove all the doubters wrong.

Yup, I'll take the +140 Boldin scores a TD, the over 5 receptions and the over 68 yards receiving. Thank you. Let's face it, the Cardinals are gonna need to air it out to have a shot. My guess is that the Steelers decide Fitty ain't gonna beat them. That's all folks - enjoy the game, but remember my tip when you see Boldin shredding it up for some garbage time production.

Cheers.

Goran Suton is Awkward

2009-01-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

Oh, the moves, the spin, the kiss off the glass, the low-post presence, the agility, the balance, the charisma, the heart, the passion, the soul, the soft jumper, the all encompassing dominance that is Goran Sutton. Wait, who? What? Goran "fucking" Suton...bro, Michigan State Spartans. Haven’t seen him? Haven’t heard of him? Well, tune your TV sets and watch him dissect and dismantle all the Big 10.

Think I’m crazy? Don’t think it’s possible? Well, we were able to snag 30 “fictional” seconds with the Bosnian native, as he continues to guide Michigan State to a Big 10 Championship.

Ghosts: Goran, would the game against North Carolina been any different had you played?

Suton: I feel sorry for your mother.

Ghosts: Thanks. So, you would've put the clamps on Tyler Hansbrough?

Suton: He's a bitch, slow white bitch. I’ll eat dead baby.

Ghosts: Damn dude, you’re pissed off aren’t you?

Suton: تهشم كرات

Ghosts: What the? Ease up; please explain what you just said.

Suton: Crush Balls.

Ghosts: Izzo says you’re tough as nails.

Suton: Fucking Warrior.

Ghosts: Well, what happened against Northwestern then? That one Kevin Coble dude looked like Larry "fucking" Bird.

Suton: Wigger.

Ghosts: What? OK, any predictions moving forward for the season?

Suton: Blood.

2008 Sports Word of the Year: the Nominees Please

2009-01-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Following right along on 2007's coattails, the American Dialect again chose it's word of the year from the numerous overused utterances regarding the economic downturn. After choosing "subprime" in 2007, the 2008 word of the year is "bailout." I'm happy to say that in a previous debate with my wife, I called this one above other strong entries like "plumber," "credit crunch," "hope," "change," "maverick," and "pwned." For the record, I still have no idea why youthful hipsters are such fans of "pwned," but I guess at age 31, it's time to stop trying.

Anyway, more to the point, today we wanted to start up our own little contest for the 2008 sports word of the year. At this point, we'll throw a few out of our own, but more importantly, we would like to ask for your nominations. Assuming we actually get some, we'll open it up for voting on Friday of this week (that means get those nominations in by Thursday) and determine the 2008 Sports Word of the Year.

Here's a few of our nominees:

1) Wildcat

2) Gold

3) Penetration

4) Gunslinger

5) Bissinger

6) Character

7) Dagger

8) Safety (as in gun)

9) Bolt

10) Swagger

This Is Incredible

2009-01-14T12:18:00.001-08:00

Becoming a Better You

2009-01-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

Here's an oldie, but goodie...

The world of professional sports is not everything it seems. One minute it's fast cars and fast women, the next it's paparazzi, illegitimate children, and pesky bloggers. It's not always all it's cracked up to be. Day after day, we hear stories about our favorite athletes falling on hard times, but as usual, we are here to help. We have searched high and low to provide some of today's troubled sports professionals recommendations for self help books that will help them get through their hard times. Hope it helps, guys.

Scott Boras - Persuasion: The Art of Getting What You Want
Don't fret, Scott. Just because A-Rod left you waiting to pay the tab at Dave & Buster's while he snuck away to make a deal with the Steinbrenners, this book will sharpen those once keen negotiating skills and get you back up to snuff. Just remember, "If this
[points to heart] is empty, this [points to head] doesn't matter."

Ricky Williams - Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing

1) Take an empty two liter bottle and cut in half
2) Fill the bathtub with water
3) Poke a hole in the cap of the bottle, take the slide from your bong, carefully install it in the cap and pack it with herb
4) Submerge the two liter, light the herb, and slowly lift the bottle up out of the eater (stop before it completely leaves the water though).
5) Remove the cap, place your mouth on the cap, push the bottle in the water, and inhale.

Lloyd Carr - How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Lloyd, this is your key to a relaxing retirement. Buy yourself a nice bass boat, some Miller High Life, and some Bob Marley. You won't even remember the meaning of the word "hot seat."

Marvin Lewis - How to Find the Best Lawyers

Look, some things are certain: KFC gives you gas; Taco Bell gives you diarrhea; and the Cincinnati Bengals will always get arrested. I believe the tally was nine arrests in past two years last I checked. Well, just like a wise man takes Immodium AD before a trip to Taco Bell, it's time to start thinking about preventative maintenance, coach.

Matt Millen - How an Idiot Writes a Self-Help Book

Lose three more games this season and I'll buy you this book. Let's face it, Matt. If the Lions blow a 6-2 start and come up short of even a wildcard bid, you are going to be in the market for a career change.

John Edward Thomas Moynahan - Happy to Be Me (AKid's Book about Self-Esteem)

Don't worry, John. The kids are just picking on you, because nobody likes teams from Boston. By the time you are 5, you will have played both "pacifier" with Suri Cruise and "John's In Charge" with Kalyn Baio.

Mike Williams - Get Out of Your Own Way

You have two choices, Mike. It's either sign on as the door man at the 40-40 Club or stop making sweet love to Little Debbie. This book should help you on that uphill battle to lose the love handles, but in the meantime, you might consider learning how to block, because I see Tight End in your immediate future.

Suzy Kolber - Don't Just Sit There: A True Account of a Frightening Experience and a Self-Help Book for Women

If a drunk Joe Namath professing his desires to you on the air during the Super Bowl doesn't classify as a frightening experience, I don't know what does. Not to mention, she had to work the Monday Night game this week, which ended in a 3-0 human highlight reel. Suzy, reading this might do you some good after all you've been through. I'm not so sure what this book is advocating with that knife though, so you didn't hear it from me..

Eli Manning - Awaken the Giant Within

It's about time to stick it to all the naysayers and show everyone that you can lead this team. If Tony Robbins can turn Lothar of the Hillpeople in Gwenyth Paltrow, surely he can make you a better passer... Or if nothing else, at least tell Tiki Barber to quit yapping.

Lawrence Phillips - Anger Management for Dummies

How about that blast from the past? Lawrence Phillips is one of the greatest collegiate running backs of the generation. Remember Nebraska? Well, if they would have only got a hold of this book, everything would have been different. Phillips would be a star, players would still go to Nebraska, the trophy room would be full of national championships, and they might even have a coach. Always known for his anger issues, Phillips tried to run over three teenagers in his car over a pickup football game, has been charged with child abuse, and recently stood trial for 7 counts of assault with a deadly weapon. So it goes.

Best Supporting Actors

2009-01-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry the Ghosts site sucks so bad these days, but we do have a couple cool things going on elsewhere. First off, Hidden Track is nominated for Best Music Blog in the Weblog Awards and we're wrecking shit in first place over some big guns like Stereogum and Idolator. If you feel so compelled, we'd love a vote...

Vote for Hidden Track

Also, our AOL Fantasy Fanhouse Blog is also nominated for three awards by some sort of fantasy football award giving authoritarian. We're a finalist for three FTSA (fantasy sports trade association) Awards --- best new fantasy site, best fantasy blog, and best fantasy live event or contest (Tailgate). We're definitely gonna win that live event one. Our leader, Tom Herrera is headed to Vegas to collect our bounty and rub it in the faces of ESPN, Rotowire, and CBS Sports.