Yangblog world

Hey Yangblog! How Come Your Friends Suck?

2008-08-20T15:07:00.005-04:00

Check out this video.

Don't look at my swing.

Look at the guys in the background.

If you will excuse me, I need to find some friends I actually don't hate.

Hey Yangblog! How Do You Say IN YOUR FACE in Gymnastic Talk?

2008-08-15T20:50:00.006-04:00

Okay okay okay. Shawn Johnson slapped Yangblog and his "Yangblog Rule" about the head. She predicted an American 1-2-3 finish in women's gymnastics and USA finished 1-2 for the first time in history. As far as Yangblog is concerned, Shawn was right and Yangblog can SHUT THE HELL UP.

Whatever.

How was I supposed to know Shawn can predict the future? Okay, I get it. Everybody can stop teasing me. Stop it. A 16 year-old girl was right and I was WRONG. Fine, I can take it, so everybody can drop it. Seriously. We can move on. I get it I get it I get it. You guys want to stop dancing on my grave? Geez.

Okay how about this: How about we call Shawn right now and have her pick stocks for us since she is freaking Nostradamus? Okay? Really. What more do you want from me?

If you will excuse me I need to wait for Shawn's phone call from Beijing.

She is going to tell me "In your face!" in Mandarin.

See?

I can predict the future too.

Best Reaction to the Spanish Basketball Team's Gesture.

2008-08-13T16:45:00.003-04:00

One of my friends responded to the slant-eyed gesture by the Spanish Basketball team.

He is half Chinese.

He said he was half offended.

Heh.

How Do You Say "We Were Joking!" in Spanish?

2008-08-13T15:55:00.005-04:00

I am sure everybody saw the Olympic controversy screaming in newspapers this morning. No, I'm not talking about China possibly fielding an underaged women's gymnastic team. Yangblog COULD NOT CARE LESS. Any sport where children have an unfair advantage over adults is Yangblog's definition of a SILLY SPORT. This news is more shocking:

The Spanish team made "Chinese eyes" gestures with fingers!!!!

To make matters worse, THEY ARE NOT APOLOGIZING.

As you can imagine, people are shocked, SHOCKED. On the bright side, at least the Spanish did not appear in blackface.

Wait a minute.

Spanish fans heckling Lewis Hamilton, black Formula One driver. Photo by Pitpass

If you will excuse me. Coach K asked me to review his pep talk for USA's game against Spain.

He wants his team to guard against the pick-and-roll and contest shots from the three point line. Oh, and while they're at it, don't forget Spain hates blacks.

I hope the Olympics have plenty of referees available.

The US 4x100 meter win was impressive, but they ain't no Jake Shimabukuro

2008-08-11T18:04:00.002-04:00

Forget the stinking Olympics.

Check out something more impressive.

Jake Shimabukuro on ukulele playing George Harrison's "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

Seriously.

Hey Olympians! Read Yangblog!

2008-08-10T23:49:00.015-04:00

The Olympics have barely started and Olympians are already breaking rules! No, I'm not talking about doping or using under-aged gymnasts. I'm talking about something more important. Olympians are breaking the most important Yangblog rule: Before you act like the greatest ever, make sure you are the greatest ever first!

For example:

Offender: French 4x100 relay men's swim team

Offense: Alain Bernard is quoted as saying "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for." Bernard must have forgot the Americans have Michael Phelps, who could be the GREATEST SWIMMER EVER. Perhaps the French were confident because Bernard has never lost a lead when his team is winning.

Result: Bernard LOSES THE LEAD and the Americans upset the French. "Au contraire" becomes the American swim team motto. Bernard looks like he wants to throw up.

Mitigating Factor: The French team looks happy and are enjoying themselves during the medal ceremony. Making bold predictions and being WRONG does not seem to bother the French. Yangblog wishes he could be more like the French. Wait a minute. I'm always making bold predictions which turn out wrong. Never mind.

Bonus Points: Bob Costas for "Au Contraire"

Offender: Moronic U.S beach volleyball commentators.

Offense: The commentators pre-anoint Rogers and Dalhausser as the most feared beach volleyball team in the Olympics. They go on and on and on about Dalhausser who is 6'7" (oops 6'9"). They are playing the Latvians. Yangblog has a prize for anybody NOT FROM LATVIA who can find Latvia on a map. The Latvians say they may have solved the puzzle of Dalhausser. The commentators laugh and suggest the Latvians are in for a BUTT WHIPPING by Dalhausser.

Result: Latvia wins!!! Happy Latvians waving Latvian flags everywhere!! Rogers looks like he wants to kill Dalhausser who got ABUSED by the Latvians. Commentators make lame excuse about the Beijing humidity. Whatever.

Mitigating Factor: Rogers and Dalhausser were not at fault for breaking the Yangblog rule. They were innocent victims. Commentators broke the rule.

Bonus Points: I told a friend THAT MORNING it is hilarious when a team from a country like Estonia upsets the USA in the Olympics and moronic ESPN-like commentators have to fumble for words. Thank you, Latvia. Thank you.

Offender: Shawn Johnson

Offense: Predicts USA medals sweep in women's gymnastics.

Result: To be determined. However, it is hard to sweep if all your teammates KEEP GETTING INJURED. At this moment, China is in the lead for the team competition. Bela Karolyi is already making noise about the "incompetent" judging. This is code for WE COULD LOSE.

Mitigating factor: If the women's team disappoints, we won't have to watch women gymnastics ALL THE TIME.

I would love to go on and on, but the USA basketball team just called.

They want to read the Yangblog archives.

I'm starting to like their chances.

Sometimes The Future is Stupid

2008-08-06T22:10:00.005-04:00

This week while walking on the Upper East side, I saw another reason to be thrilled with my move to Brooklyn. A middle aged man was weaving though the crowd on his Segway. He wore the look of a satisfied man. Trust me, he thought he was STYLING. I am sure everybody on the street was thinking the same thing I was thinking:

Somebody ACTUALLY BOUGHT A SEGWAY?

Maybe Segway shouldn't take too much comfort. Wired Magazine has news that Toyota is unveiling a sleeker, smaller scooter which is touted as a SEGWAY KILLER!

Wired reader "Kerter" best caught my feelings:

"Segway needed a killer??"

I mean, seriously, this is the best we can do in the future?

Where the hell is my ray gun?

Questions, Everybody Has Questions

2008-08-02T20:25:00.006-04:00

It has come to my attention misconceptions have arisen about "Away From Home", the video created for the ICON5 conference. I thought my life would return to normal after the debut. I thought wrong. Everybody has questions. I feel like a drunken William Shatner at a Trekkie convention. To clear things up, Yangblog will answer questions to GET EVERYBODY OFF MY BACK. Okay?

Let's begin!

Q: The video was brilliant! I didn't know you were such a talented director!

A: For the last time, I was NOT the director. Greg Nemec was the director and editor. This is why Greg has the title of DIRECTOR AND EDITOR. Get it? I was the eye candy.

Q: YOU were the eye candy? That was the best you could do for "eye candy"?

A: We were on a budget.

Q: What was wrong with actress and singer Merle Dandridge who appeared in the video? Why couldn't she be the eye candy?

A: Are you listening to me? We were on a budget which is code for NO MONEY. Merle sang as a favor. I'm just happy she didn't take all our video and recording equipment and sell it on EBAY as payment for singing. What is the matter with you guys?

Q: So when are you moving to Hong Kong?

A: What?

Q: When are you moving to Hong Kong? In the video you said you were going to Hong Kong.

A: I'm not moving to Hong Kong, we just moved to BROOKLYN for crying out loud! I was a NARRATIVE DEVICE. If you were paying attention, I said I wanted to SPEND MORE TIME in Hong Kong.

Q: So you're moving soon? We're really going to miss you.

A: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Q: Huh?

A: I AM NOT MOVING!!!! I AM NOT THE DIRECTOR!!! I WAS JUST THE EYE CANDY BECAUSE THAT WAS ALL WE COULD AFFORD!!!!! OKAY?

Q: Why are you so testy?

A: SHUT THE HELL UP!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!! END OF INTERVIEW!

If you will excuse me, I need to call Premier Wen Jiabao.

I'm liking how he handles the press.

You may catch "Away from Home" here or on YouTube.

Hey Yangblog, Tell Us Some Fancy Schmancy Marketing Stuff!

2008-07-31T19:31:00.006-04:00

This morning I was startled by the sound of a collective scream. As you know, Yangblog FEELS the suffering of the world. Turns out the screams were from SHOCKED AND STUNNED owners of the 3G iPhone who discovered hairline cracks in their phones. People are in PAIN and want to know how this could happen. Isn't Apple supposed to be the GOOD GUY?

People who assume this are missing the point. Please let me explain:

A product reflects the values of a company. When you use a product, a company is speaking to you. If you pay attention, you can peer into the soul of a company. Sometimes the message is you are a special snowflake who is unique to the world. Sometimes the message is you are nothing but an ASS MONKEY.

The cracks on the iPhone are not an accident. It is a message from Apple and the message is this:

We are better than you and YOU KNOW IT. You will take what is given so SHUT THE HELL UP. Our stuff is perfect. The only thing that ruins our perfection is YOU. You can go elsewhere but you won't because everything else IS CRAP. You know it and we know it. Your phone seems to be smirking at you because WE ARE SMIRKING AT YOU.

Since I use Apple products, readers would assume I am offended.

I am not.

As an illustrator, I have no choice since Mac is the default standard in design and publishing. As far as I'm concerned, a Mac is a LICENSE TO PRINT MONEY. Everybody in the field understands this. My rep once had an artist who refused to use Macs and insisted on using PC's. He was known as the artist who NEVER GOT WORK.

If you will excuse me, I need to turn up the stereo.

"I Fought The Law and the Law Won" is playing.

Man, this song speaks to me.

Confessions: The Cultural Edition

2008-07-27T20:46:00.009-04:00

Friday was perfect in Prospect Park for the "Celebrate Brooklyn" series. It was a beautiful evening with friends and a nice spot on the grass to watch Philip Glass and enjoy good food. It seemed perfect except for one small detail. I am very ashamed to admit this:

Yangblog doesn't "get" Philip Glass.

Seriously.

I thought a rock band was playing, but I must have looked at the wrong night on the calendar. The place was packed and everybody else seemed happy, but my friends and I were SAD. I tried REALLY HARD to like Powaqqatsi. I know I know I know. I went to art school. I get abstract art. I get the Bauhaus movement. I understand artists in the 20th century spent most of the century trying to define what it means to be "modern".

I still don't get Philip Glass. He is tolerable for a while, but it keeps going ON AND ON until I start searching for a ball-peen hammer to CRUSH MY SKULL.

I know I know. Artists are supposed to reach for the stars. "The Dark Knight" was so amazing it made you realize what an idiot Joel Schumacher is when he defended his weak "Batman and Robin" by saying, "What's the big deal? It's just a comic book story.". Paul Rand in "A Designer's Art" stresses projects are never boring. The only thing boring are solutions created by uninspired designers. So I totally get the artistic need to push boundaries.

Maybe Phillip needs to push harder. Seriously. Is everybody else listening to the same thing I'm listening to? Here's my impersonation of a Philip Glass composition:

do do DO do. . . . di di DI di. . . . do do DO do. . .di di DI di. . .

(keep repeating until you want to kill yourself)

I know I know I know. Yangblog must be a caveman. Here is the problem. I like brie, Dada, postmodernism, and a bunch of other contemporary crap other people HATE. For crying out loud, there are MODERN DANCE CHOREOGRAPHERS I like and admire.

You still can't MAKE ME LIKE Philip Glass. I tried watching the film which was created for "Powaqqatsi" and the combination put me into a DEEP COMA. Everybody was cheering wildly at the end of the night, so maybe I'm wrong.

If you will excuse me, I need to answer the phone.

Albert Einstein is on the other line.

He doesn't get Philip Glass either.

p.s: for the record, I did mistake "The Dark Knight" for "The Dark Night". If you will excuse me, I'm contacting Blogger to see if they can develop an "idiot check".

Yangblog Lived Here? Say It Isn't So!

2008-07-24T15:47:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I had dinner with friends who used to live across from us in our old building. My friends had shocking news:

Someone has moved into our old apartment.

As you can imagine, I was stunned and hurt. I had lived in the apartment for 14 years and was a MODEL CITIZEN. Yangblog assumed they would "retire" the apartment in a similar way sport teams retire numbers of great athletes. A plaque in the lobby with my rent stubs would have been nice. Renaming the unit "The Yang Suite" would have been perfect.

Whatever.

The new tenant is a businessman in his fifties who is polite, but reserved. Since Yangblog does not want to come across as a WHINY BITCH, here are some answers to questions he might have about the apartment:

1) There is a tiny black rock-like substance in the hallway which cannot be moved. Occasionally loose objects will fly into the object and DISAPPEAR. Do not be alarmed. This is a giant dust bunny I had neglected for 14 years. It grew so large it finally collapsed upon itself and turned into a BLACK HOLE. On second thought, you should be alarmed. You have a BLACK HOLE in your apartment.

2) You will notice groove shaped gouges in the ceiling. These are from my golf clubs. What can I say? Yangblog has a huge "swing arc".

3) You will notice groove shaped gouges in the wood floors. What can I say? My golf swing has to bottom out somewhere.

4) I am sure you are wondering about the giant bowling ball sized dents in the walls throughout the apartment. No, it is not a post-industrial motif. The dents are from my giant head banging against the wall. You may not realize this, but many people want to live the Yangblog life. They want the excitement. They want the thrills. People who want the Yangblog life are NIMCOMPOOPS. Living the Yangblog life means banging your head against the wall ALL THE TIME.

5) If you see a half-eaten chicken parmesan sandwich in the bedroom or living room, please messenger it to me ASAP. I will provide you with my account number. It is a sandwich from Frank's and I had misplaced it months ago. Seriously. Don't eat it or throw it away. That sandwich is MINE.

I hope this has been helpful and may the new tenant have as many happy memories as I did.

One more thing.

You will notice the apartment sometimes smells "gamey".

I swear, it isn't ME.

So I Can't Remember the Name of Our Video

2008-07-21T22:13:00.002-04:00

Dammit.

Once again I get the name of the video wrong.
The correct title is "Away From Home"
I keep calling it "Home and Away".

Whatever.

Just watch the stupid video.

Your Long Wait is Over. Here's the Stinking Video.

2008-07-20T20:18:00.006-04:00

Yangblog is stunned his readers can be rabid ASS MONKEYS when they feel denied. Readers want the "Home and Away" video. The nagging has been insufferable. Everybody keeps forgetting Yangblog is a busy busy man. For example:

1) Abby is off to Hong Kong for another project. We have this ritual where Abby goes through the pantry and shows me everything to cook. She does her best to make sure Yangblog does not STARVE TO DEATH while she is away. It is very touching to see her look of concern. Yangblog has to find somebody to cook everything before Abby comes back. The interviewing process is taking FOREVER.

2) Brooklyn has been a godsend except for one thing: Moving has wrecked my golf game. As you know, life is not worth living without a decent short game. One of my friends works for Martha Stewart. She is an expert on Flor tiling. I am asking for advice about best tiles for practicing golf indoors. Yangblog wants to practice in style.

3) Art Directors and illustrators have been inundating Yangblog with panicked messages. Everybody wants to know what the declining economy means for our field and when the pain will end. Is the financial system permanently wrecked? Is this the end of the American Empire? Is it time to start learning Mandarin? I have promised to find the answers, but everybody needs to be patient. I first need to find my carpet tiles.

Everybody can stop whining and crying. Here is the video "Away from Home"directed and edited by Gregory Nemec. You will notice a strange feeling after watching the video.

It is the feeling of having the entire world and reality change before your very eyes.

Enjoy.

Home and Away

This video was made for non-profit use for the ICON 5 conference. Trust me, Greg and I did not make a STINKING PENNY.

You Can Believe Me. . . Right?

2008-07-16T14:56:00.007-04:00

If you want to SCAR YOURSELF FOREVER, try catching the last train for the night from Tokyo. You haven't lived until you've had a middle-aged businessman reeking of beer SPOONING you on the train. He was not flirting. Riding a Japanese train during rush hour means YOU WILL SPOON SOMEONE. One image still burns in my mind. While waiting to transfer, Abby and I saw a train that was insanely packed with people. I'm talking distorted faces and bodies in business suits pressed against the windows. The train looked like it was bulging. When the doors opened, people EXPLODED out of the trains like tiny clowns tumbling out of a circus car. Abby couldn't stop laughing.

To know Yangblog is to never know when I am telling the truth or full of crap.

Check out this video during rush hour in Japan.

Believe me now?

Sometimes This Blog Writes Itself

2008-07-12T11:38:00.013-04:00

The Brazilian Girls performed yesterday in Prospect Park as part of the "Celebrate Brooklyn" series. Since Yangblog is a dork, I had never heard of the "Brazilian Girls". However, "Brazilian" and "Girls" was enough for me to check them out. A couple of thoughts about "Brazilian Girls":

1) The place was packed. The band seems influenced by Stereolab, Velvet Underground, and Portishead but more clubby. One blog, "The House of Leaf and Lime" describes them as having a"loungy, clubby, almost downbeat kind of thing going on". That sounds about right.

2) If you think Christina Aguilera or Pussycat Dolls are sexy, you are NEVER ALLOWED TO READ YANGBLOG AGAIN. Seriously. Get out of here. (waiting). The answer to "Who is the sexiest performer in music?" is Sabina Sciubba. Her presence is like Bjork and Sade mashed into one. Sabina also has the "Euro art school girl with issues" thing going on. Try not to get too excited. Yangblog is a family blog.

3) The crowd was mainly tattooed hipters in their 20's. This is not a surprise. What is a surprise is most of them SUCK AT DANCING. As you can imagine, this was painful to watch. If any tattooed hipsters are reading, please remember to move to the DOWNBEAT. Do not look like you're trying too hard and stop clenching your teeth. One pretty Indian girl was trying to dance and look sexy at the same time. She was a quarter beat off. The audience behind her was snickering. Ouch.

Overheard from a perplexed woman in her 50's standing next to me:

"What the hell is this? Where are the girls? Where are the girls? I only see guys!!!! Wait, I see one girl! I thought the band is Brazilian GIRLS!!!! Why is there only one girl? I don't think any of them are Brazilian! This is not Brazilian music!!! Where are the girls?"

Man, I love Brooklyn.

Dammit. Dammit. I Can't Even Get the Name of our Movie Straight.

2008-07-10T13:44:00.007-04:00

Director Greg Nemec has brought to my attention our movie which KILLED at the conference is called "Away From Home", not "Home and Away" which is what I have been calling it for the LAST YEAR.

Whatever.

Greg is currently breaking the video down so it can be seen on YouTube. This means everybody can now GET OFF MY BACK about posting the video online. How was I supposed to know we would tap into something primal and turn viewers into RAVING MANIACS? Every day it as been, "Where's the video, where's the video? When are you posting the video? Will it be posted today? Can I have it now? CAN I HAVE IT NOW?"

Seriously everybody, STOP YELLING AT ME.

While "producer" sounds very powerful and all-knowing, please remember that I am a man, merely a man and I BLEED. Yangblog is a puppet and Greg is the "Puppetmaster". The other day I gently asked him when he was thinking about posting the video. He grabbed me by the ankles and SLAMMED ME REPEATEDLY against a brick wall. I can't do a damn thing until Greg feels like it. Okay? You want it so bad? You ask him. His blog is G Nemec. As you can see from his bio pic, Greg is a BAAAAAAD MAN. If I were you, I would wear a suit of armor before you ask him.

If you will excuse me, I just got a call from Greg.

He told me to stop writing.

(silence)

I wasn't writing anything.

Dammit, Somebody Stole Our Spotlight.

2008-07-09T09:37:00.004-04:00

Figures.

The cheers for "Home and Away" were completely drowned out by a YouTube video which has over FIVE MILLION HITS since late June.

To quote Bugs Bunny, "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride."

Enjoy.

How Does It Feel To Be a Conquering Hero?

2008-07-06T16:44:00.010-04:00

What a relief. "Away From Home", directed and edited by Greg Nemec and produced by Yangblog was a hit! Attendees wept in tears after the video. No, they didn't weep because the video was touching. They wept because when the video ended, there was no more video to see. The world has CHANGED for all involved. Overnight, the "Away From Home" crew has become fancy-schmancy.

To everyone involved, Yangblog sincerely, truly loves you.

Not in an inappropriate way or some sick, stalker, loser boyfriend kind of way. Definitely not in the way I love Abby because Abby has made it perfectly clear she will RIP OUT MY EYEBALLS AND USE THEM AS CLACKERS if I ever consider loving another in THAT way. I think everybody knows what I mean when I say "I love you". So to be perfectly clear, it is less than Abby, but more than love as in "I love a good porterhouse steak.".

Actually that may not be true because porterhouse steaks can be really really good. I might not love the cast of "Home and Away" more than a porterhouse steak. It would depend on the steak. Let's just say that when I say "I love you", I mean it in a totally professional Producer-Crew kind of way.

Except some producers are sick megalomaniacs drunk with power who insists everybody love them OR ELSE. Maybe I don't love the crew and cast in a Producer-Cast kind of way.

It has just been brought to my attention that love is unconditional. I only love the cast and crew because they made Yangblog look good. If anybody had screwed up JUST ONCE, I would have thrown them under the bus without a second thought.

Wow.

This is very confusing .

Anyway, the video went well and we are now heroes. When I say "heroes", I mean in the Greek mythological way and not the yummy sandwich kind of way. I also don't mean "Greek", in that weird kind of way but . . . .

Just forget I said anything.

postscript: "Away From Home" will be posted for viewing soon.

Bartender! Are You SURE This is My Drink?

2008-07-02T10:23:00.009-04:00

I am sure you have heard the scandalous accusations which have dominated the airwaves. No, I'm not talking about General Wesley Clark slamming McCain by stating experience as a fighter pilot and prisoner of war does not qualify one to be President. General Clark was infantry. McCain was air force. Infantry guys LOVE TO SLAM air force guys any chance they get. They cannot help themselves. This accusation is more heinous and ugly.

Yangblog likes girl drinks.

For the last time I DO NOT ORDER GIRL DRINKS ON PURPOSE. Events out of my control make girl drinks appear at my table. For example:

1- It is a hot and humid day. Abby sees an ice drink she PROMISES Yangblog will love. It will cool down my giant overheated head. I am expecting a crushed ice drink in a glass. What I get is a mountain of ice decorated with bright candy and caramel. The only people who have this "ice mountain" are a 12 year old girl in a petticoat and ME.

2- Yangblog is once again hot and overheated. What can I say? Yangs are very poor dispersers of heat. I see a crushed ice drink on the menu with fresh fruit. Yangblog used to be a jock. As jocks know, cooling the core and eating fruit is crucial to recovering. I am expecting a manly hydrating drink. What I get is a bright yellow crushed ice drink in a TULIP SHAPED GLASS. The drink came with a coupon for free daffodils.

3- Yesterday with friends at Two Boots Pizza, I order an Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer is a man's man and his drink is a mixture of lemonade and tea. The drink comes to me in a glass that looks like a GIRL BOOT. My friends are shocked and say they will KILL THE WAITER if their drink is served in a GIRL BOOT. Everybody else's drinks are served in manly jars. Yangblog drinks his Arnold Palmer out of the boot and pretends not to care. It doesn't work. Everybody knows Yangblog cares.

All this drink talk has made me thirsty. If you will excuse me, I am going to order another drink.

I see something called the "Oprah Winfrey".

That should be safe.

Lights! Action!

2008-06-28T10:38:00.007-04:00

I am sure people are excited about the cinematic masterpiece which is opening this week. The buzz has been growing, expectations have been raised, and now is the time for the audience to judge the hype and see if it was worth the wait. No, I'm not talking about WALL-E, the new Pixar movie which is going to KILL. I am talking "Away From Home", the documentary directed by Greg Nemec and produced by Yangblog. Trust me, "Away From Home" is a more impressive feat because "Away From Home" had to overcome the obstacle of ME. Here are a list of skills which Yangblog severely lacks:

1) Interviewing
2) Acting
3) Filming
4) Directing
5) Sound
6) Crisis Management
7) People skills

Fortunately, I have a scary good talent for finding people who can blossom in a Yangblog environment. Under the pile of Yangblog goo, Greg has grown from a pupae into a cinematic butterfly. Illustrators who attend the ICON conference will well up in tears once they learn the adverse conditions which confronted Greg during the making of this video.

Here is an example of what Greg had to endure:

Greg: "Hey James, I have an idea for this scene."

Me: "I like it."

Greg: "But I haven't even told you the. . . . . "

Me: "DAMN YOU MAN!!! I SAID I LIKE IT!!!!!! JUST DO IT!!!! AND DON'T MAKE ME LOOK BAD!!! I'M WARNING YOU, NEMEC, DO NOT TEST MY WRATH!!!! WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?"

Greg: "Don't you think you should at least listen. . . .

Me: "I AM SHIVA, DESTROYER OF DIRECTORS!!!"

Greg: "But. . . "

Me: "WHERE'S MY EVIAN?!!!!"

When you see the video, please do me a favor. Make sure to find Greg and tell him what a wonderful job he did. Please don't go over the top. That would be embarrassing.

A simple hug will do.

Help Yangblog! How Do I spot a D*****bag?

2008-06-25T19:57:00.006-04:00

Since Yangblog strives enrich and enlighten, here is a list which should benefit the ladies. It's a list to tell if your guy is a douchebag! Men don't need a list. We have d-bag radar. Men can tell if another guy is a d-bag even if he himself is a douchebag.

To see the list, click here.

Here is a typical conversation I might have with Abby about one of her girlfriends:

Abby: "My girlfriend is seeing a new guy."

Me: "I don't like him. He's a douchebag."

Abby: "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET HIM!!!!!"

Me: "Whatever."

(three weeks later.)

Abby: "Remember my girlfriend? She's not seeing that guy anymore."

Me: "Because he's a douchebag?"

Abby: ". . . . . . um. . . . . . . . maybe . . . . . ."

These red flags may also help:

1) Does he wear a ponytail?

2) Does he like "Happy Feet?" ( No. Yangblog is never going to let this go.)

3) Does he insist HE IS NOT GAY yet have a photo of himself shirtless with a boa? (This is not an anti-gay. Gays think he is a d-bag because he is not man enough to admit he is gay.)

4) Does he wear a Red Sox cap in New York or a Yankees cap in Boston?

5) Does he always order a girl-drink? Yangblog does not count because this happens to me ALL THE TIME accidentally.

6) Does he make Kierkegard jokes with a smirk?

7) Does he smirk?

8) Does he think Yangblog is a d-bag?

This should be enough for now and I hope you found this useful.

Please use this knowledge for good.

Apologies to My Golf Pro

2008-06-22T19:52:00.011-04:00

Yangblog needs to not blame others for my misfortune. Everybody has a hobby. Throwing people under the bus is mine.

It it with this in mind I must apologize to Dale Gray, the excellent head pro at Chelsea Piers. As you may recall, I TORE A TOENAIL while trying a new swing. The swing is supposed to be more efficient. The new swing maximizes power. Whatever. All I know is the new swing turned my toe into a BRUISED MANGLED STUMP. I was crying like a baby. Embittered, I started referring to Dale as "Toenail Killer" and "Mr. Hater of Nails on Toes". Dale politely ignored my insults and continued with the lesson. He suggested "acting like an adult" might be a good swing thought for me to use in the future.

I tried the new swing a couple of days later and was AMAZED. My toe didn't hurt and Dale has turned my swing into a thing of awe and wonder.

Oops.

My deepest sincerest apologies to my golf pro.

If you receive a toenail in the mail, please return it to my attention.

I will pay for postage.

Hey Yangblog! What Is Your Pain Threshold?

2008-06-18T19:17:00.009-04:00

Unless you were in a cave, you know Tiger Woods is taking the rest of the year off after destroying his surgically repaired knee while winning the U.S Open. Tiger called this his greatest victory ever because of the INSANE PAIN. Tiger is a man's man. He puts the "alpha" in "alpha male". Yangblog can sympathize with Tiger because Tiger reminds me of ME.

Check it out:

Tiger: Destroys his knee due to the incredible force of his swing.
Yangblog: TEARS OFF HIS TOENAIL while taking a golf lesson and learning a new swing. It would have been nice if Dale Gray, head pro at Chelsea Piers had warned me. Something like, "Be careful. You could tear a toenail with this swing."

Tiger: Plays through the pain.
Yangblog: Practices through the pain. I already paid for the lesson. What can I say? Yangblog equals cheap.

Tiger: Likes to wear red.
Yangblog: Likes to wear socks CAKED WITH RED TOENAIL BLOOD.

Tiger: Suffers his pain in silence.
Yangblog: Makes others suffer while I moan and cry. Trust me, EVERYONE is going to know about my toenail.

Tiger: His knee was worse than everybody thought.
Yangblog: Nobody can tell which toe is injured. One toenail looks nasty, but maybe Yangblog is a poor clipper. Maybe Yangblog bites his toenails. Who knows?

Tiger: Scares other pros.
Yangblog: Scares other people. But it is a different kind of scare.

If you will excuse me, I need to give Tiger a call.

There is a two-for-one sale on surgeries and I thought Tiger might be interested.

What Part of "I Don't Want to be President" Don't You Understand?

2008-06-16T07:36:00.007-04:00

In spite of my protests, readers want Yangblog for President. No, no, and NO. Yangblog is a very busy man. Being President would slow me down. We just moved and have to find shelf paper that is PERFECT. I still cannot find my pants and they were packed before the move. Yangblog does not know everything, but I do know you are not allowed to be President WITHOUT PANTS. So forget it. Let this dream die. Okay?

Beside, my "people" have told me how the election is going down. The math is very simple. McCain has a temper he can barely keep under control. Obama knows how to get under the skin of ANYBODY. Obama will find McCain's button and keep picking at it like a scab. McCain will go POSTAL in front of a SHOCKED and HORRIFIED public. End of election. Obama also knows which buttons to press to make me go insane. For example:

1) Hey Yangblog, "Happy Feet" is a GREAT MOVIE. It has an Academy Award to prove it.

2) Weren't you married before? Isn't Herman Miller a former client and you used to get a 75 percent discount? Didn't your first wife HATE Herman Miller furniture so all you bought were a couple of lousy office chairs?

3) Is it true you once ordered chicken while Abby ordered duck and her meal was MUCH BETTER than yours?

I would love to on and on, but something important just came up.

We might have found the perfect shelving paper.

Confessions, Upper East Side Redux

2008-06-10T20:17:00.007-04:00

Many readers wonder why Yangblog would leave his Upper East Side corner apartment in a high-rise doorman building. Is it because management had changed and home wasn't home anymore? Is it because "doorman" became an ironic label for men in uniform who stared blankly while you opened your own damn door? Is it because Yangblog grew tired of dodging falling bodies? (true story, I was almost hit by a jumper).

These are all excellent reasons for leaving, but one reason trumps others.

I needed to reestablish my man-cred.

Please let me explain.

After 14 years of living in a building, events BEYOND MY CONTROL caused residents to question the manliness of Yangblog. For example:

1) Once after showering, I grabbed a bottle of lotion from Abby's cabinet. Yangblog was late for a poker game and had run out of lotion. Bad idea. Abby's lotion left my skin GLISTENING WITH SPARKLES. I tried to frantically scrape the sparkles, but there is only one way to remove the sparkles. YOU HAVE TO PEEL YOUR SKIN. Yangblog played poker while looking like Ziggy Stardust. The teasing and mocking was brutal.

2) Victoria Secrets sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. You buy one pair of flannel pajamas for your wife and you are on the mailing list FOREVER. One "free panties for James Yang" mailer in a crowded elevator RUINED MY LIFE.

3) Abby's production finished last week. Abby used "I Enjoy Being A Girl" from "Flower Drum Song". Every day she was playing and replaying "I Enjoy Being A Girl". In the morning it was "I Enjoy Being A Girl". In the evening it was "I Enjoy Being a Girl". "I Enjoy Being A Girl" echoed in my head. Yangblog was in a crowded elevator with neighbors. People were shocked and embarrassed as I sang "I Enjoy Being A Girl" while NOT BEING AWARE I WAS SINGING.

If you will excuse me, I need to grab my power drill.

My new neighbors are coming upstairs and I need to impress them.