relax. relate. release.

2009-07-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

took today off...i've been feeling exhausted all week, and i haven't really done much work all week either, so i certainly wasn't going to get any done on a friday.

i'm hoping i'll manage to get some stuff done around my place though...

anyway, my cell phone broke apart in my hands while i was talking yesterday...i should have been more prepared. i kinda knew it was having problems, and intended to store all my numbers online - actually, intended to buy a new phone before this one gave out, but kept forgetting/putting it off for no reason. when i was in ny, i noticed that the light stopped working, but that didn't really clue me in. there was a little crack in it, and i suppose i should have taped it together, but it didn't really occur to me that it would just break in half because of that little crack!

oh well. now i gotta figure out what phone to get. don't all rush to say "iPhone" - i really can't justify spending that much every month for services that i would hardly use...have t-mobile right now but i'm not under contract. i can't really find a better plan though, so i'd like to stick with it. unless i decide i need the internet. i'm so terrible at making decisions, especially when i am worried about wasting money...

2009-07-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

i gotta admit - i teared up pretty bad when michael jackson's daughter spoke. i watched the memorial service online at work instead of working - didn't think i would, but i did. as if there wouldn't be enough coverage the rest of the week...

2009-07-06T22:51:00.001-07:00

my head is spinning just thinking about all the bridal showers/bachelorette parties/weddings to attend. kinda wish i could disappear for a couple months and come back when it's all over. (by disappear, i mean disappear in a good way...like run off to spain or something.)

the main source of my stress is that i hate dressing up and doing all the things i need to do in order to not look like a total disaster. i am envious of girls who have it easy in that respect. and the fact that it is so hard for me really depresses me.

2009-06-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

still kind of stunned that michael jackson is actually gone...i'd say he's the first major celebrity that i grew up admiring as a kid who's died. maybe a couple other actors...but no one as big or that i really loved. and no, i wasn't a huge fan, but he was definitely one of the first singers i remember as being a favorite, especially when the thriller album came out. and regardless of what i thought of him as i got older and he got...weirder...there's no doubt he was immensely talented, and i still feel good when i hear some of his older music. with all the hoopla surrounding him as a person, it's easy to forget how good that music was. i just hope that that's what he'll be remembered for. i was a little saddened when i went to cnn and saw they had a video of him dangling the baby right there along with all the nicer videos of him singing or people saying nice things about him...

anyway, it's a strange thing whenever someone passes so suddenly. i wish he had gotten the chance to perform his last concerts.

2009-06-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

so i am going to new york after all...and i am happy about getting away now - it'll be good. i just hope i don't get completely worn out while i'm over there.

anyway...i was wondering, is there a polite way to tell someone that their makeup looks horrible? when i was at my cousin's bridal shower, her makeup kinda made me go "yikes!" - but i thought it was just because i'm not used to seeing her in makeup. she's usually very natural, but it was quite heavy that day. but i was looking at her pictures from the shower today and...well, "yikes!" - she looks terrible. i don't know if someone did that to her or if that was her creation...i just hope someone else does her makeup on her wedding day. if my makeup looked terrible, i think i would want someone close to me to tell me. i just don't know how to tell her - or if she would even want to know.

2009-06-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

feeling kinda bummed out right now...i had planned to take a week off from work because a cousin was coming into town and i thought we could just hang out and do stuff around here. but now i find out that she's not coming here after all - she's going to NY instead. and she arrives in less than 2 weeks, so i don't even know if i'll find a cheap ticket to fly out there. i know i normally do that (she comes for a week every summer), but i was so looking forward to her coming here instead this time. maybe if she had decided a few weeks ago, i would have kept an eye out for ticket sales...*sigh*...i don't even feel in the mood to go there really. i had planned all the stuff we could do here! and it's so much more relaxing here! i do need a break from work though, desperately. do i still take that week off and just hang out at home alone??? i really don't know...i'm just so disappointed because i've been practically counting down the days. and now everything's just up in the air...it sucks.

2009-06-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

the saga continues....so those people who were visiting left town sunday, and the younger psycho cousin called my mom today and started talking shit about them as though she had done nothing wrong. she said they banged her car into a pole and didn't tell her - and that she has to pay $2000 to get it fixed. (never mind the fact that she willingly let them borrow her car, even though they are from india and not familiar with the area. and she's the one who told them to take her car all the way to monterey.) then she said something about them being bad parents and how people like that don't deserve to have kids (but people like her do?). oh, and she said that her sister had made lunch for 10 people on saturday and intended to invite my mom over as well so that's why she didn't want them to leave (uh-huh...that sure explains calling my mom a whore). my mom just kept quiet and pretended they hadn't said anything to her...

now, we don't know the visitors too well, but they had no reason at all to lie to my mom or make all that stuff up...so i'm inclined to believe them. and yes, maybe they did put a dent in her car - shit happens. i doubt they even realized how big a deal it was and how much it costs to get cars fixed here. anyway...whatever. i just think it's funny how she called and tried to act like she was the good guy and they were the bad guys...

2009-06-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

i don't understand why middle-aged indian women wear fancy saris to bridal showers held in the afternoon. i also don't understand why younger indian women wear 4-inch heels and slutty dresses and heavy (night time) makeup to those bridal showers - i mean, really. it's not like anyone there is going to be interested in seeing their stuff. i wore jeans and hardly any makeup - fuck it. anyway, it was short and relatively painless, though kind of boring. i really don't like going to these things...i'm just happy my cousin liked my gift. and no, it was not the type of gift that would cause any embarrassment. she had enough of those types of gifts from other people.

anyway, in news on the other side of my family, the crazy cousins are at it again (see here and here for some backstory). some family members were visiting from india and decided to stay with the younger of the two cousins. and she ended up basically ruining the few days they were here. they wanted to visit my mom on saturday, and she flipped out and literally tried to block them from exiting her house. she refused to give them any information on where she lived (even the closest freeway exit) because she didn't want my mom "anywhere in the vicinity" of her house. she started to use foul language (called my mom a whore, which is fucking ridiculous considering 1) my mom has only had sex with one man and 2) it is common knowledge that her mom slept around with younger men while married). she hit her husband when he told her she had crossed the line and offered to give them a ride so that they could leave. luckily, he is significantly larger than she is and was able to get them out of there. they even left some of their luggage behind and didn't want to go back in that house to try to find it. i feel so sorry for them...might have expected this type of behavior from the older of the two sisters, but i guess the younger one also has the psycho bitch gene...

2009-06-13T10:58:00.001-07:00

i am getting less channels today (after re-scanning) than i was yesterday. good job on the transition, america!

2009-06-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

i didn't get much accomplished today. (do i ever?) i did finally hook up my new bedroom tv though - mostly because i didn't want to be stuck without tv in my bedroom after midnight tonight. the thing that annoys me about digitial is that either you get the channel or you don't. it's not like before when some channels would be a little fuzzy but still watchable. oh, and i also hate having to put in the ".1" after the channel. i'm hoping i won't have to do that after midnight? or is that .1 an HD thing? i have no idea...but shouldn't there be a way to have it automatically go to the HD thing if you have HDTV?

anyway, on the bright side, the channels that do come through are much clearer than they were on my old tv. and this tv's bigger, which is nice.

2009-06-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

taking tomorrow off...needed a break. 2-day weekends just aren't enough.

my cousin's bridal shower is on saturday. i'm kind of annoyed because apparently it is mostly her mother's friends and family that are coming. poor thing - not only does she pretty much have to give up control of her wedding (when and where it is held, who is invited, the music, etc.), she doesn't even get to have her own bridal shower done her way? i guess it's just the way she is - doesn't want to cause any friction. but whenever i talk to her, she makes little remarks like "it's not my wedding" - she says that because her parents are paying for it, she has to let them do what they want to do. i really don't get it...i blame her mom - i feel like she's making everything all about herself. there's a part of me that feels like she is gloating that her daughter is the first (of the three of us who grew up together) to get married. she's the competitive type - always like to one-up other family members.

anyway, someone was asking her mom about the bridal shower and she said "everyone needs to bring their own gift, you can't just give one gift from each family" - what kind of made-up bullshit is that??? i am sure that if she's ever gone to a bridal shower with her daughter, she would have only given one gift between from the two of them. she's one of the cheapest people i know!! she's just trying to get more gifts for her daughter. and anyway, it's not unheard of for 2 or 3 people to chip in and buy a nice gift together if they can't afford it on their own. i am wondering why i spent as much as i did - have to remind myself that it's for my cousin, not for her mom.

now that i'm thinking about it, i'm all stressed about what to wear. i have that problem often. i'm sure most people there will be wearing nice dresses/skirts. indians are so damn formal. i want to wear jeans. can i just play dumb and go "oh, i thought this was going to be a casual bridal shower?"

2009-06-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

so even my step-sister and her new boyfriend are going to india for the wedding. fucking ridiculous...now i really feel like an outsider. i wonder if my dad bought her ticket...sometimes it feels like she's more his daughter than i am. oh, and she loves my old car. LOVES it. i can't explain it, and i'm not the type of person who gets attached to cars, but it hurts. i wish the car had been sold to someone - someone i wouldn't see regularly, so i wouldn't have to hear about what a great car it is and feel like i wish i still had it because my new car is nowhere near as comfortable or fast or smooth or easy to drive/park.

oh and my dad was gushing about her new bf. i just met him today. my dad just thinks he's great. and yeah, he's a nice guy. it's just kind of annoying that my dad is like, all excited about him. i don't know how to explain that either...

2009-05-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

i'm still in pain. this is not good.

anyway, my cousin who's getting married is having two weddings - one in delhi because her fiance's family is there, and one here. and apparently the whole family here is going to go to both weddings. i didn't realize what a big deal it was and figured i would just go to the one here so why go all the way to india??? but of course, i'm now getting crap for that because EVERYONE else is going.

and look, i would love to be there for my cousin, but:
1) it costs money (airfare, clothes, etc.)
2) delhi in july? are you serious? i don't do well in that kind of weather.
3) i can't take off too much time in july because of work stuff, and i also don't want to go all the way to india just for a short trip. it's just too far and tiring a journey, and by the time i get adjusted to the time difference, i'll have to come back.
4) she's getting married here too - it's not like that's her only wedding. if it was, i would go.
5) wedding stuff stresses me out. i am trying to avoid stress right now. one family wedding per year is my limit.

i hope she understands. and i hope the rest of my family can lay off.

2009-05-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

i feel like there are a million things going wrong with my body at the same time...can't deal. i am too old to be tripping and falling on the sidewalk. i am also too old to be getting by on less than 6 hours of sleep on weeknights. and why do i have so much gas these days? is that something that happens when you get old?

me tired. me want bed. please upstairs neighbors, go out of town for a while so i can sleep.

2009-05-26T22:44:00.001-07:00

i tripped and fell this morning on my way to work. it was awful...i have a horrible (and very painful) scab on my knee now...no one even helped me up when it happened! ok, maybe no one was nearby. i heard this one girl on a bike ask if i was ok, but she left when she saw me stand up. i realize that all i did was trip, but it was a hard fall on the sidewalk - and i landed right on my hands and knees. falling backwards would have been so much more...cushioned. anyway, i was completely out of it for much of the morning after that. even though i didn't land on my head, that's kinda how i felt...

2009-05-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

wha...huh? for the first time, my american idol prediction was completely wrong. i'm going to chalk it up to complacent adam fans who thought it was in the bag and therefore didn't call 1000 times each. or possibly bill o'reilly.

it's probably for the best - can't imagine adam having to be stuck singing crappy songs that the label would have made him put out. at least he can do his own thing now. and i admit, i'm more likely to listen to kris's music. his recording voice is probably more pleasant. but i mean, adam is insanely talented...hearing him sing with queen tonight was amazing. oh, kris was singing with them too? whatever.

i like kris. i just honestly thought it was all adam from the very first audition. the guy's a star...

2009-05-18T19:35:00.001-07:00

i think my mom is about to crack. i really don't know how she's coping...my grandma finally left yesterday, so hopefully that will make things a little easier. she's just so fed up with my uncle (and he with her probably). plus she's crazy stressed at work. whenever she talks to me, it's like she is ready to explode.

she's going to ask her uncle's wife to come out here asap - hoping that he'll be less grumpy if he has someone to keep him company and cook for him and serve him. my mom feels like she has to baby sit him sometimes and it's driving her nuts. and there are all these other people who are planning on dropping by for a week or two and she doesn't know how to tell them "no, you can't come!" they should realize that this isn't a good time, but they don't. they're usually most concerned with just having someplace to stay for free. and my mom overdoes things when she has visitors...so, i'm worried. i don't like her driving around all over the place with one arm either.

and the uncle's wife is pretty annoying, so the fact that she wants her here...well, i don't know. i have a feeling that after a few weeks of that, she'll have enough and want them both out.

i just don't understand why he needs the citizenship so badly that he's willing to make himself miserable for a year. and if he gets denied after all this crap...*sigh*....

2009-05-11T17:34:00.001-07:00

didn't go to work today. and i feel bad about it because i have sooooo much work to do. but, i needed an extra day off. weekends just don't cut it sometimes.

i really need to take a vacation, but it is so hard trying to find something that i'd like. plenty of places i want to go, but going alone is tough for me...what i've really been wanting to do for a long time now is one of those volunteer vacations, but whenever i see something that sounds interesting, i read the description of where i'd be staying and it's like: no hot water, limited electricity, i'm stuck eating whatever crap they give me...oh and that i'd be working all day from like 8-5. that's all a bit much for me, so maybe i'm not as into the volunteering part so much as the vacation part. i really wish i could find something that was more appealing from a vacation point of view, but that also had something interesting for me to do (for a few hours a day, not ALL day, and certainly not too early in the morning). i've been looking into learning vacations too - i just find it really difficult to sort though them for something that's affordable and that i'd actually find fun. half the websites i come across haven't been updated in a year or two. and some aren't really intended for solo travelers. it's all so frustrating...whenever i start to look for something, i give up on the whole idea within a week or two. i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever go anywhere...

2009-05-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

been wanting to write, but been too tired most of the time...i guess that's nothing new...

where to begin? i can't even remember what i've already written about and what i haven't...

my mom went back to work this week...and i think she's relieved to be back there, even though she still can't really move her right arm and has a ton of work to get done in a really short amount of time. she's just been getting so bugged by her uncle and my grandma (both are still at her place). i don't remember if i mentioned the uncle or not - that's a big mess:

he lived in the US legally for over 20 years, but never applied for citizenship, then moved back to india, then after coming and going every 6 months (or whatever the requirement is), he decided he wanted to become a citizen so that he didn't have to keep doing that. but in order to apply for citizenship, there's some maximum number of days you can be out of the country for some number of years, and he was out for more than that because he was basically an idiot and didn't pay attention, so he is kind of starting from scratch, but living with my mom instead of in NY. i should explain - the main reason he wants to apply for citizenship is because he didn't want to go to NY all the time because of my uncle's wife, who hates us. (gotta love indian family drama!) anyway...the thing is, his wife (my mom's uncle's wife that is, not my uncle's wife) is a US citizen, but lives in india. and so the immigration person they spoke with was basically telling my mom that he's likely going to be denied because of this - it's pretty clear that he's just going to become a citizen and then go back to india just like she did. so...my personal opinion is that this is a huge waste of time and unnecessary stress on EVERYONE, and that he should just go back to india and apply for re-entry permits as necessary and come whenever he needs to come, forgetting the whole citizenship thing. but if anyone tells him this, he gets pissed off because he is SO stressed out and worked up and just...insanely oversensitive. and he and my mom really do not get along too well - she is constantly yelling at him because she is so frustrated, but even if she tries to tell him something in a nice way, he yells back and completely overreacts - taking it as though she is trying to kick him out, when she's actually just trying to explain the situation to him. my mom's whole side of the family really lacks communication skills. and they all have bad tempers too, which doesn't help matters.

ok, i just wrote a whole bunch more and it all got erased! fucking blogger. i don't feel in the mood to re-write everything...*sigh*...basically, everyone is super stressed out and walking on eggshells (including me). and more relatives are to arrive this summer, to make things even worse! whoopee!

so this whole family situation is wearing me out. then i have work, which is also wearing me out. and stupid shit with friends. i miss having someone to really talk to, you know? i should write here more regularly because it takes the place of having that sometimes...not as good as the real thing in some ways, but it's often easier.

2009-05-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

i want to cry...it's my eyebrows. fucked up again. i had finally found a really good eyebrow lady - 2 in fact, at the same salon. and now both of them are suddenly gone and there was this young girl in their place, and i was apprehensive, but didn't really have a choice. i had walked all the way over there and needed it badly. i told her to just clean them up a little and not take off too much, and well, she seemed to be doing ok, but then at the end started attacking my left one and *completely* screwed it up. since my eyes are closed while she's doing this, i had no idea until it was too late. and i have plans to go out tomorrow, so i am more pissed than usual. i hate being seen with crazy looking eyebrows, one significantly thinner and more crooked than the other. it's not even fixable, it is so bad. what the fuck was she thinking???? and why did the other ladies have to leave??? i am so screwed now...i have weddings to go to, what am i going to do????

2009-05-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

it's terrifying how forgetful i am becoming...my good memory has always been something that i considered to be one of my strengths...i was always proud of how much i remembered, and i get bugged by people who are really forgetful. and while i can still function well compared to those people, i can feel it getting worse...i remember when i was young and my dad first started to forget things. of course, he's much, much worse now. as is my mom. and i'm sure that'll be me one day...just didn't realize it would start so early. anyway, i remember when i was little and my dad started to write a "to do" list (or "things to remember" list) and always keep it in his pocket and add or cross things off as necessary. i need to start doing something like that. stick post-its everywhere. something.

getting older sucks.

2009-04-30T22:40:00.001-07:00

so my macbook's been acting all screwy ever since i got leopard. it suddenly turned off while i was in the middle of recording something today (my only real purpose for getting leopard in the first place). and the cd drive makes a noise every 2 hours on the dot. and word sometimes automatically resizes itself when i open or minimize other windows.

why are computers so irritating??? remember the old days when they were slow and didn't do much? they weren't nearly as irritating then...

ok, maybe they were. i don't remember.

i have so much work to do...it feels like it's never-ending. and they would never like, prevent me from taking a vacation, but i just personally feel more stressed out when i take time off during busy times. or when i miss important meetings. or when i'm just left out of shit - i feel like other people aren't as on top of things sometimes and are more likely to make mistakes and screw things up when i'm not involved.

but i neeeeeeeed a break. i keep saying to myself that i'll take time off as soon as X is done. but in the meanwhile, project Y comes along, and needs to be done a few weeks after that. so ok, i'll take a break after Y is done. oh, but then there's Z and i need to be around for that whole month to do site visits...*sigh*....what i should do is just take every friday afternoon off. i have so much vacation piled up, that it wouldn't make a dent. maybe i'll start doing that after X is done because i'm way behind schedule on that...

crap, it's 11 already? i need to go to bed. i'm so exhausted...

2009-04-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

on my way home today, i noticed someone on the train with a "hearing dog" - i come across seeing eye dogs often, but i've never heard of or seen a hearing dog. i wonder what they would do. i mean, i can sort of understand keeping one around at home...but why would you need one to get on the train with you? to wake you up if you fall asleep and are about to miss your stop? wait - even people who can hear could use one of those.

anyway. not much going on with me. my mom is still recovering. she's going to try driving this week, so fingers crossed i won't have to be her chauffeur anymore. although, i don't really think it's safe for her to drive with only her left arm...then again, it's probably not safe for her to drive with me either. i'm a bad driver as it is, but she makes me nervous, which makes my driving even worse.

i've been completely slacking off at work. it's terrible. i'm just so uninspired lately.

mac question: is leopard significantly better than tiger? i can upgrade for free - mainly just thinking about getting it to run one specific software for screen and audio capture, but i have something else that will do if need be. i just worry about shit not working. and i don't like change. but if i'll have less problems, then maybe it'll be worth it. i'll be getting office 2008 soon too and i don't know if that works better on one than the other. i have enough problems with my old-ass version of office as it is...*sigh*...computers are annoying me lately. i'm still not using the new email system...(shhh)

2009-04-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

computer acts up, i run the malware remover, it tells me the bad stuff is gone, computer is fine for a day or two, then the cycle repeats.

obviously this isn't working.

2009-04-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling so overwhelmed at work these days...it's not even that i'm stressed and have a bunch of things due at the same time...i don't. it's just the number of things that i have to work on. and they are all jumbled up - no particular schedule to follow. i just have to find time to get them all done whenever they happen to surface. and on top of that, our company just switched to a new email system that i hate. and i didn't know that i would hate it and i didn't know that i would be able to sneakily continue to use thunderbird by changing the server, so i had signed up to participate in a small study that one co-worker is doing on the use of peer to peer help or some shit like that - basically, those of us who are participating are supposed to be helping each other learn how to use all the different features of this email/calendar system, rather than what everyone else in the company is doing (calling the help desk). so we are supposed to be on skype all day discussing the damn email software. but i am still using thunderbird because some techy guy told me i could (though it's kind of hush-hush and i am probably not supposed to be doing this) and i like thunderbird sooooooo much better. and i'm too busy with all my other work to even pay attention to what is going on in the skype chat that was running all day. so, if they do remove thunderbird from all our computers, i'll be kinda screwed because i haven't even been paying attention to all the helpful hints that this little group is supposedly providing...

i don't have enough brainpower to handle all these different things at one time - all my projects, the new email system, this study that i'm supposed to be participating in, my screwy computer at home (fingers crossed that it's all clear this time), my mom making me drive her around everywhere...not to mention all the things i have been putting off for myself (cleaning, haircut, vacation!!!)

i'm tired. i hardly slept last night - didn't know why at the time but i suspect it was all of these things i just listed! i need a break.