The Starving Starlet

Memo to George Clooney: Harass Me No More!

2008-04-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

You have no excuse not to watch Hayden Pantieswhatever in her faux public service announcement about the dangers of sexual harassment.

(which is wrong, even if the harasser is George Clooney).

Hayden better look out for some hate mail from Women Whose Lives and Careers Have Been Shattered By Sexual Harassment. They're out there, aren't they?

The Clip is on Will Ferrel's Funny or Die Website, which is pretty awesome anyhow.

Paula Abdul's Cleavage Offered Record Deal (by Randy Jackson)

2008-04-09T12:43:00.001-07:00

Let's be honest. The most entertaining aspect of American Idol last night was Paula Abdul's amazingly contorted cleavage. Will she pop out now? Now? Now? When she does her drunken seal clap? Oh well.

Maybe she had a really long crazy straw tucked between the twins, linking to a vodka filled plastic Coke Cup retrofitted under the judge's table. So many possibilities.

Now if you happen to be agonizing about whether Kristy Lee Waffle House Cook will be kicked off AI tonight, just remember that last year they gave everybody a big pass this week to celebrate the good vibes of corporate american sponsors, no wait, celebrity appearances, no wait, helping those kids in Africa (oh that's right).

Miley Cyrus Gives Street Tattoo to Disturbed Fan

2008-04-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

"Disturbed" is maybe too kind a word for this lady. Do you see the other signatures? They are TATTOOS!! Seriously, what kind of person trolls the streets for celebrities willing to sign their flesh so they can later turn it into tattoos? It's not like you can auction that off on EBAY in a pinch!

What happens when the celebrity whose sig you have permanently inked on your body has a serious fall from grace? Crap, what if this woman has "OJ" tattooed on her hind parts? Or even better, "All my Love, Michael Jackson." That's just creepy. The rest of the story and the picture can be found at Gossip Girls.

Kirsten Dunst Apologizes for Bad Behavior, Wins Twinkie

2008-04-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

E News has reported that Kirsten didn't check into the Cirque Lodge for boozing, but only 'cause she was real sad.

That explains why her reps repeatedly insisted that she wasn't in "rehab" despite a blizzard of photos that showed that she was, in fact, living in that place where all the Hollywood drunkies go to get clean.

Now that she's out rehab(as of April 1) Kirsten has called up Toby Maguire and apologized for being, uh *sad* and that she promises not to get *sad*faced around him again in case they shoot Spiderman 15 or whatever number they're up to now.

Congratulations Kirsten for getting happy again and for being pale and proud! You win Twinkie of the Week!

Get Lindsay Lohan in the Nude for Only 75,000

2008-04-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan is ready to kick the dust off her tired acting career and show everyone how she still has the chops. Look out!

The primary way she intends to accomplish this is to take all her clothes off in yet another bound-to-bomb movie in which she plays a sex-addicted waitress. Well, at least it's not too far of a stretch from real life...should be a really convincing performance! The movie is called Florence. And she's only going to get $75k for the role, according to Flixster. Maybe she'll take that in cash for a bachelor party?

A New Edition of Group Dance from those Groovy Filipino Prisoners - Gloria!

2008-04-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

So the Filopino Prisoners are back with their group dance version of Gloria - The Starlet thinks it pales in comparison with Thriller (below), which included fantastic tranny acting sequences as well as dancing. Seriously, if you're making up routines in prison, keep the quality level up! It's not like you don't have the time. How about something from Grease!

Get Your Vote On for Perez!

2008-04-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

Perez Hilton is on a quest to be on Time Magazine's Top 100 Influential People of the Year.

Now, dear readers, do you remember when Ryan Seacreature was named Most Likely to Shape Your World by Details Magazine? Eeeeek!

Perez shapes the world of blogging, that's for sure, so if you are reading this blog, you are thus shaped, so go on and vote! Click here and crank that fancy voting meter to 100%!

Hugh Jackman to Play Wolverine in X-Men The Musical (Not a Joke)

2008-04-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, the Starlet has real mixed feelings about this one. Wolverine. In a Musical. Isn't that like Rambo The Musical or like The War on Terror The Musical. It just doesn't make sense. Will Wolverine viciously stab masked intruders through the heart with his claws of adamantium, while dancing to a show tune?

Okay, here's the upside. Hugh Jackman has agreed to play Wolverine. Hugh Jackman loves musicals - he starred in The Boy From Oz. Hugh Jackman also is super-hot, and is possibly the only man on earth who could make Real Wolverine something resembling Theatrical Wolverine.

No music has been suggested at this time, and no one has jumped at the chance to arrange it. How surprising.

Opening Night is Set for April 1, 2010.

Katie Holmes Collapses: Exhausted from Broadway, Building Spaceship

2008-03-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

In addition to her obvious shrinkage of late (Help, I can't get out from behind my purse!), Star magazine is reporting that Scientoloweirdo Katie Holmes collapsed yesterday while leaving a restaurant.

She has reportedly been on a microdiet, whatever the hell that is, and has been occupied with shopping, decorating her mansion, helping Tom build the spaceship to eternity and landing a spot on Broadway musical All My Sons.

That's all? Sound like the girl just needs a Dayplanner or something.

Congratulations Katie, You Win Twinkie of the Week!

photo courtesy of Daily Mail

Fight! Jesus (Deluxe Version) Versus Britney's Personalities

2008-03-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

As Perez Hilton pointed out earlier today, some wacked out/brilliant toymakers decided to market a Paparazzi playset, which the Starlet noticed was totally awesome.

But even more awesome is the website that sells said playset, since they also carry such craptastic potential secret santa gift items such as this Deluxe Jesus Action Figure Set complete with bread, fish and wine holder thingy.

But there's more - like Crazy Cat Lady and Obsessive Compulsive Man. The Starlet would like to suggest that someone fashion a gift set of dolls representing all of Britney's personalities - like British Accent Brit, FishNet Hooker Brit, Knocked Up Brit, Mental Hospital Brit, Marrying a Married Man in Mexico Brit, all boxed up with Original Brit (hard to remember what she looks like, huh?).

Hugh Jackman Heads Up Deadly Sex Ring

2008-03-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hugh Jackman Hotness Alert!! The trailer of his new movie, Deception, also starring Ewen Mcgregor, is floating around the net and here it is for your viewing pleasure....HJ playing a clean-shaven badass that heads some sort of murderous sex-ring:

The movie comes out in late April....can't wait!

Britney Reveals Her Personality Disorder Was Just Good Method Acting

2008-03-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

Britney is good at making a character believable.

All her personalities gave her a lot of practice.

Tiger Woods Threatens to Kill Photog, Protects Soul

2008-03-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

From underneath his tightly knitted Nike polo shirt, Tiger Woods unleashed a few choice bleepers at a photographer who was uncouth enough to photograph him while he was PLAYING HIS SPORT. This is truly an unforgivable transgression....the Starlet can think of no other sport in which actual photography can be tolerated during a performance. Oh no, wait. Or is that practically every OTHER sport except golf? Riiight. Good god Tiger cub, get your panties unbunched already. Publicity is not exactly your enemy, you walking poster for Nike. Ignore it and take your shot.

Given Tiger's massive reaction, the Starlet would like to propose an alternative reasoning for his behavior: perhaps he ascribes to the belief (also held by Austrailian aboriginies, the Amish and Keira Knightly) that photographs steal one's soul. Good thing scientologists don't believe that or half of Hollywood would be further up shit's creek than they already are.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Defeated By Maria Sharapova, Wins Twinkie

2008-03-21T11:16:00.001-07:00

In the latest and most retarded contest to grace us all, HDTV channel's Hottie Hysteria, which asks readers to vote for the hottest women, as viewed from ones high definition television set, Catherine Zeta-Jones falls to Maria Sharapova.

Not shocking, considering Zeta-Jones weight is at all time low - reportedly under 120lbs - and consequently her face looks bony and worn-out. And aren't those Angelina's legs from last summer?

Well, at least Zeta-Jones can still win the Starving Starlet's Twinkie of the Week!

Seacrest Shapes Your World as 2008 Maverick of the Year

2008-03-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Details Magazine just named Ryan Seacrest 2008 Maverick of the Year - that means he is the #1 "Visionary Shaping Your World"

The Starlet is inclined to nominate at this time the bottle of collegen elastin hand lotion perched on her desk as officially shaping her world MORE than Mr. Ryan Seacrest. What is this insanity?

Seacrest, while he might be a wiley wizard of self-promotion, is not even very good at shaping himself while awkwarding humping this poor girl at LA Club Tao a few months ago.

The article does acknowledge that "Many of Seacrest’s contemporaries dismiss him as the Malibu-tanned, alabaster-toothed embodiment of everything that is callow and one-dimensional about 21st-century pop culture."

That's more like it.

Bachelor Andy Baldwin Pumps It Up, Pulls a Mcconaughey

2008-03-20T12:19:00.001-07:00

Oh, Andy from that Bachelor show - you are such a good-looking semi-celebritard, aren't you?

What kind of dumbass pumps gas shirtless? (Besides Matthew Mcconaughey but he does everything shirtless and we all except that) But this guy....Shirtless AND clenching. And if he's not clenching then that's just freakishly unnatural. Hot but none-the-less unsettling.

Okay, so it's a slow gossip day. But could his shorts BE any lower.

The Starlet asks John Mayer to please counter this gratitious display of the male physique with an re-appearance of the Borat thong....while pumping gas. Excellent.

Danny Noriega to Join Rosie on her Big Gay Cruise

2008-03-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Danny Noriega's Big Gay Announcemment with Big Gay Rosie:

He WILL join her on her Big Gay Cruise, and he's bringing his Big Gay Cousin and all his Big Gay Friends. Even Big Gay Stripper David Hernandez has the sense to stay away from Rosie.

Tara Reid Hides Baby Bumb Under Poolside Scarf

2008-03-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, the Starlet just wanted to use the phrase, "baby bump." She thinks men with little beer bellies should start referring to their excess as baby bumps and patting them lovingly.

But really, what is Tara Reid hiding under this bizarre shawl? in other photos you can see it's actually some sort of wrap that goes around her ass, sort of like the Dalai Lama's sarong, if the Dalai Lama was a Mexican Pimp.

Judging from her super bronzeness, she obviously did not get Kate Hudson's whiteness memo. She was photographed over the weekend in Cancun, Mexico, partying with some unknown Spanish man. So hard to care about Tara Reid anymore. Too bad.

photo courtesy of the Gossip Girls

Movie Preview - Seth Rogen's Nakedness to Grace Us Once Again

2008-03-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Icky Movie Alert!
Attention Starlet Readers - a movie theatre near you will once again be subjected to Seth Rogen's lovable but ultimately fugly back fat rolling around. Didn't we already see this movie? Except that time, it was that chick from Gray's Anatomy and 27 Dresses - Katherine Heigl - who accidently made a baby with Rogen in Knocked Up. In this one, Elizabeth Banks does the nasty with Roly Poly in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. At least Rogen's movie titles give fair warning.

Recently USA Today made a funny when they asked Rogen and Banks to brainstorm their biggest concerns about filming the sex scenes:

Seth Rogen:
• My back hair will be gross.• I will sweat on her.• She will look disgusted for the whole scene.• I start crying (like I normally do during sex).• She starts crying.• I will make strange and off-putting sexual faces.• I overdose on breath mints and deodorant.• The cameraman refuses to shoot the scene.• I wind up on (celebrity nude website) 'Mr. Skin' or 'Mrs. Skin,' if there is one.• Her husband murders me.• I have pimples on my tushy.• Passing gas.• My arms give out and I crush her.• The ol' involuntary arousal.

Elizabeth Banks:
• Giggle fits.• Beard burn.• My mother seeing it.• Too much saliva when we kiss and a line of drool between our mouths when we pull apart.• Seth's sweat stinging my eyes.• My father seeing it.• DVD freeze-frame.• I go tongue, he goes close-mouthed.• Two words: nipple slips.• Two more words: back fat.• My father-in-law seeing it.• Body makeup giving me the 'Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton' orange tan.• And finally: explaining myself to my future children.

Based on Rogen's list, I think Elizabeth might want to pencil in some therapy sessions right now or - here is one of those ideas the Starlet should get paid for - see if Hugh Jackman can stand in as a body double - he could wear a fat suit. Problem solved.

Stalking Hugh Jackman Can Save Your Life

2008-03-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

The Starlet was greatly bemused to find this story, which has an really fantastic title: Perving on Hugh Saves Lives Why don't we say "Perving" more in America?

Anyway, the Starlet always knew that Hugh Jackman's Hotness is a cosmic force, but earlier this week in Austrailia, a middle aged woman named Virginia and her carpoolers slowed to a crawl to stare at Hugh Jackman drinking his morning coffee at a cafe and narrowly missed being hit by an out-of-control car that would have hit them if they weren't so busy drooling.

Virginia was quoted as saying: "our incapacity to take our eyes away literally saved our lives." So there you have it.

Benji Madden Stars in Paris' Tour of Media Attention

2008-03-12T10:26:00.001-07:00

Hasn't anyone noticed that Paris Hilton is on Tour?

That's Right! Paris is starring in her Tour of Media Attention - and the best part is you don't have to buy tickets or anything!

Just watch Paris as she strolls around LA with her newest partner in innovation - Benji Madden. Oh no he isn't wearing a giant diamond ring with the letter's PH on it! Noooo! Of course he is. And she is wearing her little black rocker engagement ring and we're all supposed to look at it and scratch our heads. Mission Accomplished!

The Starlet has heard that if you get really close to Paris, you realize her shoes make little "Cha-Ching!" sounds when she walks..... cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.....

Ok, we're all big suckers. Now for Christ's sake Paris, give it a rest already!

picture courtesy of Rex.

Special Treat from Danny Noriega AKA Daniela Alba

2008-03-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

Or at least that's what Perez has been calling him these days. And damn if it isn't a keen observation! The boy is a dead ringer for Jessica Alba's twin brother. Here's the gaytainer on Good Morning LA, where he successfully transforms all the hosts into even bigger tools than they were before.

Simon Cowell Draws the Line on Puppycide (Stripping is Okay)

2008-03-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today TMZ has graced us with a vid of Simon Cowell enlightening us all that the music industry isn't comprised of squeaky-cleans. Like most of what Simon says, it seems like a big effort for him to address the little brains. But it's pretty great when he defends David "Big Thing" Hernandez's stripping with the irrefutable argument that "he wasn't killing puppies or anything." Just another line in the ever-shifting sand for what is and is not acceptible for Idol Contestants - fanstastic. Can we get a comprehensive list please? What about talking down to a puppy in public? Dangling a puppy from a balcony? See the possibilities here? If that hasn't convinced you the video is watch-worthy, just click it to see the desperate paparazzo hollering VIAGRA!! at Simon as he jumps in his ride. Nice try, papsie.

CLICK HERE to see the video.

Also amusing, CLICK HERE to see Hernandez performing with former band Tribe 7 - which is basically funky white boys trying to cover Usher.

Kate Hudson Gives Spray Tanning the Finger

2008-03-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

Time for the weekend Intepretative Photo Essay:

A salute to Kate Hudson, who decided to pimp out her paleness in a red bikini last Monday in Miami.... this is clearly a call to action for all pale women - do not succumb to the orangy spray tan. No! Just put on your freaking swimsuit and forget about it. Wear some sunscreen. Get over it.

Also, there is a bikini in Target that is just like Kate's but in black. Your welcome.

Kate Bosworth Pimps for Coach, Forgets to Feed Herself, Wins Twinkie

2008-03-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

Let the Starlet say first that she adores Kate Bosworth.. Ever since Blue Crush - Flashback! But now Kate is just another Starving Starlet, damn her. Admire Kate in Blue Crush, and then compare to yesterday (sigh).

This picture (thanks Skinny Website) was taken yesterday of Kate leaving a restaurant, where she apparently enjoyed water with baked air and a side of extra strength hoodia.

Kate is to star in this summer's Spring/Summer Coach ads. According to Marie Claire, the Pres of Coach thinks: "Bosworth is the epitome of distinctive American style and poise, qualities that are synonymous with Coach, her style is glamorous and represents the fun and whimsical spirit of our brand." Sure, if your idea of fun is to barf up everything you eat. Maybe Coach could create a special plastic-lined removable barf pouch in their most fashionable bags?

Congrats Kate, You Win Twinkie of the Week!