the bare bones nothing

2008-09-04T18:50:00.019-04:00

i spent the entire drive home fantasizing about sarah palin approaching me in a public place- maybe a diner - and asking me if she could sit down to talk. she was with an entourage, which included secret service, reporters and cameras.

in several versions of the fantasy, i was polite and simply said "no" as i went on to ignore her, sip coffee and read the paper. in other versions, she'd smile winningly and ask (in a feisty way) (while looking at the cameras) why i couldn't just invite her to join me so we could discuss the issues over coffee. in turn i'd always reply, "fuck off or i'll call the cops" and sometimes "why don't you just shove this cup of coffee up your ass?"

things of that nature.

made me happy.

2008-09-01T14:10:00.009-04:00

is this love?
is this love?
is this love?

when asked what this song means, robyn hitchcock said:

Well, "Madonna" is about an artist with a long, straggly beard who's kept in a white room in a castle somewhere in France. It's one of those castles where ... there are 31 doors but there are 32 windows, and if you hang a handkerchief out of each window, there's still one room that doesn't have a handkerchief hanging out of it. In other words, there's a doorless room.

And trapped inside this...this doorless room is a very emaciated artist, and every night ... he sits there painting. He's got a kind of hotel suite, so he's not lying there in his own shit or anything like that. But he doesn't get around much.

Anyway, he's trapped up there, and every night this woman comes to him. As her head and shoulders come through the window, he thinks, "Great," but her abdomen is that of a wasp, and it's a kind of two-foot-long beautiful black-and-yellow abdomen with rings around it. And she comes in and she sort of pins him to the bed, and she sticks her tongue in his mouth, and she arcs up her abdomen and he goes, "Unnh, Unnh, Unnh."

She just curls this thing around and stabs him in the navel, and he gets a lethal dose of wasp poisoning. And he just passes out, and the next morning he wakes up and he's OK again. Like Prometheus, he's had his kidneys taken out. Anyway, he doesn't know why he's in there. He doesn't know what his relationship with the Madonna is, particularly. I mean, she's very attractive in one way, you know, but repellant in another.

And then one day, he wakes up, and he's not in the room anymore. He's just walking along in the fields in France, all these sort of flat fields. And it's early morning in November and there's a frost, and he sees this sort of shape lying on the ground, like a crashed plane.

And it's the Madonna. She's dying like wasps do in the autumn, and she stretches her hand out to him and says, "Will you forgive me?" And then that's where it ends.

There's the option: Is she actually going to whip up and sting him again, finally, or is he going to forgive her, or what? So we leave it there... Well, it's very long, so that why I had to make the song completely different, but that's the concept behind it.

fleet foxes - crayon angels/oliver james

2008-09-01T13:42:00.001-04:00

2008-08-30T23:31:00.004-04:00

pms

2008-08-30T12:43:00.000-04:00

2008-08-30T12:41:00.009-04:00

blabor day. woo.

things i'm doing:

1. making a so-called gym in my garage
2. shaking around
3. losin intrst in the crrnt Lst
4. bzzz. brrrt. beeeeeek.

i wonder what connor will think of satan satan being sung over and over in his own living room. i know an entire block of people who would never email me again if i sent that vid to them, so i'm thinking of doing it. that or sending one of barack obama, because he would scare the same people.

wow. he would.

either it's raining again or i'm a-hallucinating. hope for the second.

my mom just called and asked me if i could be incontinent-clean-up-crew for my grandma if mom were to fly up to nyc for the very last game ever in the current old yankee stadium, which would be awesome for her. that would be in a few weeks. i said sure. i don't know what my grandma would think of me being rushed over to help her shower off, but when you are very old and people love you, you can no longer say hey let me be private.

it sucks, but it's true. the body will eventually betray you.

i've worked in nursing homes. let me think. two. it wouldn't be a problem for me, it's just that i worry about her dignity. so how do you clean your grandma without making her feel lousy? i have no idea. maybe with distractions. like...leaving the tv on in the next room. like talking non-stop about the weather or someone you know you both hate, like george w. bush.

we hate his guts, she and i.

sigh.

i don't know if i hope to grow that old. the idea of being so dependant on ANYONE makes me feel like throwing up. i think i'd rather die but i'm scared of dying too.

life is a bad-ish suck-job.

or, it can be. maybe i should work on optimism.

yay! it IS raining! WOOOO! BLABOR DAY!!!

2008-08-30T12:38:00.001-04:00

catchy + ha ha = obviously pure evil

2008-08-25T22:28:00.002-04:00

this is the place
remember me?
i'm the face you always see

- a band i love

2008-08-25T17:23:00.006-04:00

alone again.

michele was conducting interviews in her office all day.

well, in and out of her office. she shows the people around and tells them our names, as if.

people say the stupidest things when they want a job. i'm so inquisitive! i just love to learn new things! i think i'd like to be a doctor!

bah. especially to that last one.

i have not been sleeping. or wait. i've been falling to sleep and waking up and not falling back. it's been three days of that crap. you'll notice, because i'm telling you, it's been three days since i've taken a sleeping pill.

sigh.

i miss sleeping. i love sleeping so much. it's the second best thing a body can do.

2008-08-23T15:22:00.006-04:00

2008-08-23T12:29:00.007-04:00

i think it will rain all day. sometimes it falls in drops big enough to fill the nyquil cup. between its coming down, you can feel steam in the air like a cedar sauna, only it's a greenery sauna. i'm one of the people this humidity and heat were meant for. it never hurts me the way cold air always does. instead, i feel enveloped, which reminds me a little of little death.

and thank you cicadas, always buzzing louder and louder till falling off and starting again. i like your volume switch and i'm glad you sing. the air would be too empty without you.

2008-08-23T11:05:00.003-04:00

"Anyone who has used that comforting phrase ‘a nice cup of tea’ invariably means Indian tea."

i think i was dreaming something about repeating and repeating.

within five minutes of waking i drove my car to starbucks and the window guy and the coffee guy were the best starbucks guys who have ever waited on me. i paid with a debit card and didn't have cash, so i told window man i was coming back later with their tip. he probably doesn't believe me, but i will. they were in such good moods and they made me feel better.

(the coffee guy said "this is probably the best one i've ever made so i had to deliver it to you personally," haha, and as he walked away, a little chubby and clunky looking, he glanced over his shoulder to make sure i was laughing, which i was, and he smirked. it was a mix of feminine and little boy and very cute)

rick and amanda tell me mark is having a big party at his home tonight. i'm going to practice etheric projection all day so i can attend.

which means i have to go take a shower.

2008-08-23T01:34:00.005-04:00

earlier, i felt better. in between work and this.

for hours today a loop ran with hellhole got to get out of this hellhole you know where you stand in a hellhole. now over and over and over you're not the first to break my heart you're not the first to break my heart you're not the first to break my heart you're not the first to break my heart.

(starts at 2 min 30 seconds in "human racing")

(i can sing that high, but the note on the word 'my' is a little brutal to the cords. makes me feel like i'm ripping my throat flesh)

love,

movat pentachrome

p.s. bla

2008-08-23T01:21:00.003-04:00

i said to my reflection,
let's get out of this place.

2008-08-21T20:05:00.008-04:00

francis crick inadvertently raises criminal robot army

...is a headline i've just lifted from mind hacks, but i think it stands alone.

soma is playing crap that sounds suspiciously like somebody from asbury park.

lauren had stains on the concrete wall of her house and they reminded me of people. like hiroshima shadows. i never told her.

my mood circles a drain.

edit: later, soma plays the shins. redeem.

2008-08-20T20:23:00.005-04:00

i was relatively nice to dan today and it made me angrier.

a couple of things: the heat-death of the universe is when the universe has reached a state of maximum entropy and cold-death is when the universe continues to expand forever.

i don't really care. i still feel really unpleasant.

in news that has nothing to do with my bad feelings, connor found out today he's been thrown forward in music and will have band with the eighth graders instead of the seventh graders. his teacher said he belongs with an advanced group. i think he's very happy.

he also has a completely separate class for jazz band. that's two solid hours of musical education in one school day. at a public school.

the cat is screaming to go out. the dog looks concerned.

2008-08-19T17:45:00.006-04:00

really, i am in the worst mood possible. i don't think it has anything to do with the calendar or hormones. but i guess you never know.

i just feel restless and sort of mean. lucky i'm not at work today.

very restless. very, very mean.

i'll keep it a secret. no one will suffer although these feelings are like acetic acid.

(some days, indie pop rocks! is so great it amazes me)

in which i am an asshole

2008-08-19T17:01:00.014-04:00

a lot of people try to claim to be susan's best friend, or my best friend but we are secret best friends. i know things they don't know and things they will never know. they're always surprised at what i know and the things i know first and ditto with her.

her husband knows what i know and he knows that i know these things. he knows i'm the secret best friend and that susan and i have agreed to be ninja about our best-friendship because we are the same. in a way, susan and he and i are a trio of ninja secret best friends.

her husband calls me kee.

(secret best friends are people who don't want other people to know they need anyone enough to have best friend designations, when in fact they do)

i almost trust her enough to tell her my own secrets.

i can keep important secrets and i enjoy being smug.

smug smug smug.

smug could be my new nickname. smug kee. or kee smug.

smug kee sort of sounds like an island, although that would be spelled smug key.

i would be an island if i were some sort of land mass. not a peninsula. a place you would need help to reach, or a lot of determination, will and fortitude.

alone like an island sounds retardedly emo.

i don't even use that word: emo. i feel it's pretty outdated, although i remember when it was new.

i'm worried about the c-section. jude must be too big.

also: yay!!!

2008-08-19T16:47:00.004-04:00

text coming in: barack needs your help to win florida in november! volunteer in the upcoming weeks! reply to this message with vol your name and town! thanks!

text going out: i'm a little pissed with barack and will vote for him but no more help. no more messages!

text coming in: obama for america!

good christ.

then isabel texted to see if i knew susan was having a c-section. of course i know that. i know everything.

i'm so crabby. you have no idea how crabby. so, so, so, so crabby.

also, muxtape is in trouble i think. probably now they'll come after all of us. i'm even afraid to type their name. you know who i mean. those lawsuit bastards.

i hate my...everything. fill in the blank. VERY NEGATIVE FEELINGS! I'M SCREAMING THIS AT THE WORLD! CAPS! CAPS!

2008-08-19T16:06:00.007-04:00

i just applied for a position through st anthony's online thing. i know the pathologists from working at my previous job and i know they liked me okay, so there's that. i only did it because i would really like to work an earlier shift and i don't know if there is much chance of that where i'm working now.

i feel really weird about this.

but they won't be able to pay me what i'm making now, i'm telling myself, which will make it impossible to quit my current job. it's very expensive, this life.

i just don't like the idea of connor walking home from the bus after school. there are far too many freaks and evil-minded bastards lurking about in this state/world and i don't want him thrown out into the mess before he has to go. if i could get off from work earlier, i could always pick him up from school. he's only 12.

more than weird, i feel shitty.

it would also take me about 20 minutes less to drive to work, although i'm told st anthony's is in a crappy part of st pete.

but o well to that. i could kick some ass if i had to.

2008-08-19T12:36:00.003-04:00

i remember joe biden's brain thing.

i don't like the way i feel today. maybe it will dissipate. de fizz.

i'm reading a mystery set in venice. it has opera singers and lesbians and cranky old people. plus, wine. it smells a little like sewer and cat.

soylent green is people.

2008-08-18T23:20:00.010-04:00

even though connor won't have a first day of school tomorrow, i don't think we will have much of the storm.

susan was admitted this evening and her husband sent me a text just as i was leaving davis island asking could i please come back and meet her husband in the lobby so he could lead me up to her room. she was waiting to be induced and was sitting there shivering and shivering, but not because she was cold and she wanted to see me (i just want to see you, she said). so i sat on the couch in her labor room and hung around, talking and listening. her husband - jb - had to run home and get her suitcase so i stayed with her while he was gone.

it was nice. i calmed her down just by talking and listening. she stopped shivering. her blood pressure went normal. we listened to (baby) jude's heartbeat, because they had the monitor volume cranked so loud.

i left when jb returned. i really like him; he's really good for her. very calm to her very high strung. and i mean high strung in the most loving way, because i completely understand her because she and i are just the same.

her room has a great view.

as corny as it sounds, i felt truly honored she asked me to come and sit with her while she waited. i'm really happy she just wanted to see me. i was there for four and a half hours. i watched her have some contractions and she looked very surprised at the way they felt, and i remembered.

i recommend the epidural.

i love susan. i'm glad i know her.

i will be aunt kee.

2008-08-17T18:39:00.001-04:00

I looked up to see the giantess shaking her head at me, "I Steffi's melanemic sclerogenous jennerize broadbent seotatop.
slowing down in their involuntary heaving of swallowed sea. haplessness
me kid sitter kissing with father
of those letters were mimeographed in the same writing, unsigned, and sent Her smooth tan legs were slender and long.
of England. I had given up, and when she reminded me that she
spontaneity analyticities fell
respectfully yours.

Caryl Holmgren
who has no intention of letting him go. Now what will Sheree do with this massive love void that only Graham can fill?

irma rosen sent that to me. of course, i have no idea who that is. i'm sure it's no one. you can probably guess which part was a link to something shady.

2008-08-17T16:53:00.004-04:00

a hurricane watch has just been extended to include our area, which was expected. the models are confusing and maybe we'll only end up with rain and a bit of wind, which would be nice.

they say probably late tuesday for highest probability of intensity here, so tomorrow night we'll have to decide about the shutters. and probably we'd start to make ice and save it then. i've got two big coolers and six six gallon containers for water. they tell you to save one gallon per day, per person and to plan on being without water for seven days. the stores really push the little individual bottles, but i feel really weird about that. the six gallon containers they make for camping are cheap and can be used for years. plus, we can fill them with our own water.

we have plenty of oil for the lamps. we have plenty of batteries and everything we can charge up is charged up. we gave mom and dad one of the dedicated weather radios you can crack-charge and we've got one too. it's sort of creepy because it runs an electronic woman's voice, constantly telling you about "center of storm" and height of waves and temperature of water and etc. but it'll throw out an alarm in the middle of the night if you're asleep and you need to know something is about to happen.

i'm sure (haha) we're over-doing it, but it makes me feel better to think we're as ready as we can be. to be honest, i'd sort of like a category one to hit. i think that much power would be something i could actually enjoy.

beyond that, no fucking way.

2008-08-17T14:29:00.009-04:00

i'm going through papers and piles of stuff and my computer is playing music i didn't know i had. i like it the sounds of it though. maybe my computer is waking up and is trying to please me. maybe i should listen for clues.

i found a teeny, broken tinkerbell body and her legs, but not her head. i'm sort of sad, although she was broken years ago. i think i could glue her back together, but she'd look screwed up without her little head. maybe it's in another box.

there was a chip from the front of a planter i broke about five years ago. i knew i'd saved it, or thought i had, and now it's whole again.

also, i found a paper connor was given a non-good mark on from four years ago. it said this:

what is poetry?

his answer: it is funny.

how has it changed?

his reply: it has not.

the teacher wrote: you can do better with this, connor. under her comment, he'd penciled in: evil teacher

he hates it when he finds out i've saved his school stuff, but i just have to. he totally cracks me up.

to prepare for fay, patrick is outside planting a palm tree. no way i can explain that.