CENTER FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION -------------------------------------THE CONFLICT MANAGERS------------

Honeydew or Honeydo?

2009-07-02T13:58:00.004-07:00

At a recent Red Cross Bloodmobile, I was chatting with another donor. (I finally got my four gallon pin after being differed for visiting Mexico! It was her first time.) We were kidding that I would not be able to do any chores at home the rest of the day. She asked me what chores I had. When I told her, she said they were on my honeydo list. I thought she was talking about honeydew melons but she explained to me what a honeydo list was. As usual, I googled honeydo and found the following at http://everything2.com/title/honeydo%2520list :

"Almost any man (and some women) who has been married or involved in some type of long-term cohabitating relationship has had experience with one of these. A honeydo list is that list of things that your significant other (usually wife/girlfriend) has put together for you to do. The name obviously comes from "honey, do this...honey, do that..." etc. Oftentimes the author of the list will make one of these when said author is going to be out and about and leaving the significant other at home. "Do this while I'm gone, please."
Things that might potentially appear on a honeydo list:
Take out the garbage
Fix that loose doorknob (could potentially be any doorknob in and around the house)
Do some laundry
Fix that broken drawer
Rake the leaves
Shovel the snow off the driveway
Feed the pet dog/cat/fish/bird/hampster/python/tarantula/Richard Simmons
Mow the lawn
Tape that soap opera I watch, pause through commercials if you can
Do some dishes
Clean out all the ashtrays
Get rid of rancid leftovers in the fridge
Water the flowers
Return those DVDs/Videos (they're lying about that whole end of late fees thing!)
Fix the loose board on the floor in the den
Unclog the garbage disposal
Go get some milk, we're out
Pick up some bread, too, the low carb stuff please
Pick your dirty clothes off of the bedroom floor
Pick up the dry cleaning
Bury that body, it's starting to smell
Clean out and organize the junk drawer"

So what does this have to do with divorce or mediation? Think about the following: Do you appreciate tasks your significant other does on the honeydo list? Who will do these tasks if you are divorced?
As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/2/09

British Divorce and Bad Financial Guesses

2009-06-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

It was interesting to read an article in the May 26, 2009 New York Times by Landon Thomas, Jr. entitled, "For Wealthy British Husbands, ‘Mr. Tooth Calling’ Brings a Chill." Divorce attorneys seem very much the same on both sides of the Atlantic or as they say the "Pond" as well as anywhere in the United States See the entire article at
www.nytimes.com/2009/05/26/business/global/26divorce.html What I found most interesting in the article was the discussion of one of his cases where the former husband tried to abrogate the divorce settlement because he called the market wrong. This is happening everywhere with the Madoff problems and the fall of housing prices. In a divorce it may now be better to edge your bets and share the potential upside and downside.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 6/25/09

Divorce Rate and the Economy

2009-06-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

Andrew J. Cherlin, author of "The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today," wrote an excellent OpEd piece entitled "Married with Bankruptcy" in the May 29, 2009 New York Times. You can see the entire essay
at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/29/opinion/29cherlin.html. Cherlin says that "in times of economic crisis, Americans turn to their families for support. If the Great Depression is any guide, we may see a drop in our sky-high divorce rate. But this won’t necessarily represent an increase in happy marriages, nor is the trend likely to last. In the long run, the Depression weakened American families, and the current crisis will probably do the same." He goes on to say that "But history suggests that this response will be temporary. By 1940 the divorce rate was higher than before the Depression, as if a pent-up demand was finally being satisfied. The Depression destroyed the inner life of many married couples, but it was years before they could afford to file for divorce. Today’s economic slump could well generate a similar backlog of couples whose relationships have been irreparably ruined. So it is only when the economy is healthy again that we will begin to see just how many fractured families have been created."
Many divorce professional are struggling. If Cherlin is right, this is only temporary. We must prepare for the pent up demand and the flood of cases that will come.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 6/18/09

Divorce, Children, and Religion

2009-06-11T10:09:00.001-07:00

Religious issues often come up in divorce cases. It is not unusual to have a provision in a divorce agreement about a religious divorce or how the children will be raised religiously. The Arizona Court of Appeals recently ruled that "one parent in a divorce case can't block a decision by a former spouse to send their child to a religious school." The case was discussed in detail in an article in the Arizona Daily Star by Howard Fischer. See the entire article at
http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/294901. Fischer said that "the judges rejected arguments by Gerald Romine that the push by his wife to have their children get a religious education interferes with his constitutional right to direct their education and upbringing. What's more, the judges said an objecting parents even can be forced to pay the child's tuition at the religious school. The only real issue, Judge Daniel Barker said is what is in the best interest of the children."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 6/11/09

Process, Content, Results

2009-06-04T06:00:00.001-07:00

I have always been interested in the concepts of process, content or result. When we do co-mediation and are asked why, we tell the couple that I am an attorney and my co-mediator is a psychologist and the attorneys are result oriented and psychologists are process oriented. When we do comediation, the couple gets the benefit of both. I have also discussed process vs. content with a good friend who is a psychiatrist. He believes that in marriages one partner is often process oriented and one is content oriented. It is better to focus on process in a marriage and in a divorce. David Foreman discusses this in an article entitled , " Marriage Counseling Session - Process vs. Content." See entire article at
http://ezinearticles.com/?Marriage-Counseling-Session---Process-vs.-Content&id=959790
He states, "couples are completely involved in content when the real trouble is the process - the underlying patterns of behavior and attitude that are tearing at the fabric of the relationship. The content is always changing - when it's not the dishes it's why one partner ignored the other at a party - but the process remains the same. It's what's at the root of their problems. They thought it was about stacked dishes. But they can't even address the issue of the dishes until they address the way they speak to each other. If you leave dirty dishes in the sink you don't deserve to be put down. This is not about dishes, it's about attachment and the pain that happens when that attachment is broken.
Process is how things are said and how people react and feel. The content is usually irrelevant. Care about process and your relationship will grow."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 6/4/09

Divorce Health Insurance

2009-05-28T06:00:00.003-07:00

Health insurance is one of the big issues in divorce but couples don’t always think about until they come in to see us. The problem is one of the partners can’t continue on the existing family health insurance plan. The person can always get COBRA (few people know this acronym stands for Comprehensive Budget Reduction Act and the letter have nothing to do with health insurance) coverage for 18 to 36 months depending on the plan. The cost is still significant and there is a problem with preexisting conditions or conditions that develop during the 18 or 36 months. An article in the May 16, 2009 New York Times by Lesley Alderman entitled "Buying Health Insurance Begins With Homework" is an excellent discussion of some options other than COBRA. You can read the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/16/health/16patient.html. It is the same advice we usually give clients. I keep watch what is happening in Washington about health insurance and hope they fix the problem.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 5/28/09

Divorce Graffiti

2009-05-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

When I was about 20 years old, I visited my sister in California. My first trip west of the Mississippi. While I was there I purchased a small book for $1.00 called "Graffiti, Selected Scawls from Bathroom Walls" collected by Robert Reisner. I recently came across the book. I looked in the table of contents to see if there were any mediation or divorce or marriage graffiti. Surprisingly, there were none. The closest was the Love topic. It in included, "Love thy neighbor but don’t get caught," "Chaste makes waste, " and "If it moves, fondle it." I went to my next source, Google, and was suprised not to find anything other than, "Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after." I can only speculate why there is no Divorce Graffiti. Has the internet replaced the bathroom wall? Has graffiti become an spray art form and divorce does not work on a subway car? If you have seen some divorce graffiti, share is with me or let me know why you think there is so little divorce graffiti.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 5/21/09

Divorce Script

2009-05-14T09:46:00.001-07:00

Recently, I was asked to do a presentation at an organization’s meeting. I was surprised to get an email saying that I would be getting my script sent to me. I emailed back and asked if there would be teleprompter too? Low and behold, a few days later I got a script of the remarks of everyone speaking at the meeting! I printed it out in a 24 point and was ready to go. I casually mentioned this incident to a friend who advised me that lots of organizations are now doing this. As always I wanted to apply what I learned to divorce mediation. I wondered what it would be like if we had a script for each divorce? Would it make the process easier or harder? We probably will never know.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 5/14/09

Mediation Bumper Stickers

2009-04-30T16:13:00.003-07:00

My last blog about divorce bumper stickers lead to me to check for mediation bumper stickers. I found the following:

Mediate Don’t Litigate (I always wondered where this phrase came from. The above picture explains it was Einstein!)
Trust Me, I’m a Mediator
I Love Mediators
I am in Training to be a Mediator
Real Men Become Mediators
Peace Love Mediation
Eat Sleep Mediation
Mediators Kick Ass
Let’s Talk About Mediation
Mediators Rule
Mediators Do it until Everyone Is Satisfied
Mediators Do it in Separate Rooms
Mediators Do it with a Flip Chart
Mediators Do it with an Assistant
Mediators Do it Consensually
Mediators Do it Confidentially
Mediators Won't Tell Anyone about it Afterwards
Mediators Won't Do it for You, but They'll Help You Do it for Yourself

There seems to be a difference between divorce bumper stickers and mediation bumper stickers that follow the differences between litigated divorced and mediated divorces. In general the mediation bumper stickers talk about how great mediators are and less about the process. The last few are sexual in a cute way.
Let me know if you have seen some other mediation bumper stickers.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 4/30/09

Divorce Bumper Stickers

2009-04-23T16:30:00.012-07:00

As I was driving today, I saw a bumper sticker which said "I Love My Wife. It made me think, are there divorce bumper stickers? As always, I googled "divorce bumper stickers." Above are some of the bumper stickers I found online.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 4/23/09

Divorce Handbook

2009-04-16T13:22:00.001-07:00

Wouldn’t it be great if marriages came with instructions, rules or a handbook? Arizona actually has a booklet called the "Marriage Handbook." You can get it online at https://www.azdes.gov/marriage/pdf/PPP-1038AHBPPD.pdf or in person at the court service centers. As is often the case, I did not realize how many such publications existed until I Googled "Divorce Handbook" and got 16,700 hits. Now I wonder what is the impact of these books? Unfortunately, it does not seem to be much. This made me wonder how can you educate people about divorce and if you can at all. People do not seem to be interested in a topic until it directly effects them and by then it is often too late. What do you think?

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 4/16/09

Out of Control Divorces

2009-04-08T06:51:00.003-07:00

Connecticut seems to get more than its share of out of control divorces. I don’t know if it is its proximity to New York or something else but as a former "Nutmegger" or that I know most of the attorneys or that I am a Huskie basketball fan, I am still fascinated. The latest is the Douglas-David vs. David divorce. It has gotten lots of headlines because of the Wife’s claim that she needs $53,000 per week alimony and the $43,000,000 prenuptial agreement is not enough. She wants more of the $329 million.

Most people don’t realize how public the divorce docket is. You can go to http://civilinquiry.jud.ct.gov/DispDetail.asp?DocNum=HHD-FA-07-4032144-S And see all the motions filed on the case. It is amazing in a case like this how many motions have been filed. There were 82 docket entries from August 2007 to March of 2009. There are seven appearances by attorneys or law firms.

Tracey Cohen wrote about the divorce at http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2009/03/19/could-you-live-on-53-000-a-week/?icid
She said, "It's hard for to feel sorry for a woman who is receiving a $43 million divorce settlement, and is still claiming that she can't possibly survive on such a small sum of money. Marie Douglas-David and former investment banker George David are getting a divorce, and of course, fighting over the money. His net worth is estimated at $329 million. They were married in 2002, and for doing less than 7 years of hard time, Marie wants a lump sum of $100 million and $130,000 a month alimony. That's $1.56 million a year in alimony, plus that nice chunk of change up front. The problem is that in 2005, in the middle of the marriage (after they had a number of break-ups and reconciliations), Marie signed an agreement saying she'd get $43 million when they divorced. Of course, George is a heartless bastard who clearly wants her to starve, because she can't possibly live on only $43 million! The 36 year-old says her weekly expenses are over $53,000, and those must be paid! The weekly expenses include maintaining four homes (one on Park Avenue, one in Sweden), $4,500 of clothing, $1,000 for hair and skin treatments, $8,000 for travel, and more."

I often wonder if a case like this could have been mediated. What do you think?

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 4/8/09

Divorce is a Luxury in a Bad Economy 2

2009-03-22T14:54:00.001-07:00

There are articles almost every week about divorce in bad economic times. I have been meaning to note the New York Times article on December 29, 2008 by J. Emilio Flores entitled "Breaking Up Is Harder to Do After Housing Fall" that I found particularly interesting. You can read the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/30/us/30divorce.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink
One of my favorite lines is, "With nearly one in six homes worth less than the mortgage owed on it, according to Moody’s Economy.com, divorce lawyers and financial advisers around the country say the logistics of divorce have been turned around. "We used to fight about who gets to keep the house," said Gary Nickelson, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "Now we fight about who gets stuck with the dead cow."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 3/29/09

No Fault Divorce in Arizona

2009-03-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

Just another of our many disagreements.

He wants a no fault divorce whereas

I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.

In about 1972 there was a movement to make divorce no-fault. Some states left fault in order to get a divorce or as a basis for determining the results of divorce. For example, New York requires fault to get a divorce but not to determine outcomes. Connecticut is just the opposite. Arizona did not require either. However, that may change. An article in the March 2, 2009, Arizona Star by Howard Fischer reports that "Adultery may be making a comeback in Arizona's divorce courts, along with a few other fault-finding concepts banished more than 30 years ago." See the entire article at
http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/282402.php. He goes on to say "Legislation being pushed by Sen. Linda Gray, R-Glendale, would allow either party in a divorce case to introduce evidence of "misconduct" by the other spouse. The change made by SB 1206 would not affect whether a judge grants a divorce. The sole grounds for a court making that decision would remain that the union is "irretrievably broken." But it would remove a prohibition against judges considering "marital misconduct" when it comes to child support, dividing up community property and alimony, or spousal maintenance." The article goes on to quote Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Colleen McNally, who presides over the Family Court Division who questioned the need for a change. Judge McNally said, "the law already allows a court to consider "waste," where one party has burned up a marital community's assets...When you get to the point of child support, I don't understand that connection. If nothing else, the legislation, if enacted, would turn what are supposed to be fairly routine court hearings into longer, more-involved arguments. You're really inviting the parties to start bringing up who had the affair first and all these other issues It's really going to expand the litigation. What's worse is that those accusations will take away from efforts by Family Court judges to get the parents to focus on the children. Turning hearings on child support into forums for charges and countercharges regarding who was wrong "really has a negative effect on the kids."
What do you think about fault in divorce cases?
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 3/15/09

Non-Divorce Divorce or Separating without Divorcing

2009-03-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Couples are not getting divorced at the old rate. I realized that couples must be making informal agreements on how they will proceed with their lives. I assumed this would be called a non-divorce divorce. I learned a long time ago that someone else has usually come up with this before me. I test this theory with Google. I googled non-divorce divorce and came up with 54,000,000 results. The number four result was an article entitled "The Non-Divorce Divorce" by California attorney Kayla Boucher Horacek. . You can see the article at
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-andquot;Non-Divorceandquot;-Divorce&id=495010#. Her contact information is Kayla Boucher Horacek, c/o Law Offices of Donald P. Schweitzer, 201 South Lake Avenue, Suite 700, Pasadena, California, 91101, 626-683-8113 http://www.PasadenaLawOffice.com
I have decided that we can help these couples by mediating their no-divorce. Over the years, I have already done this with couples who did not want to get divorce for emotional or health insurance reasons. I look forward to mediating more of these cases.
Kayla has said it better than I could so I have reprinted the entire article below.

The "non-divorce" divorce is a mutual verbal agreement between two married individuals who want to keep their marriage in tact, but fully accept that the relationship is over. The goal is to feel divorced while continuing to live together and not get a divorce. In other words, the couple does not want to go through the divorce process, but they don't want to reconcile either. They don't want to hire attorneys, file papers, argue over custody or support, lessen the time their children see either of them, or lose one-half of their financial assets. So, they decide to remain as if they are married. They live in the same family home as roommates, participate in their children's lives as they had before they wanted a divorce, and maintain/preserve the marital estate.
Of course, most couples who attempt the "non-divorce" divorce are those who have children and/or those that have been married a considerable period of time and do not feel it is beneficial to disrupt the community on an emotional or financial level. Or at least they feel that the costs of a divorce clearly overshadow the costs of remaining together-even when there is no love left.
I cannot speak to the negative psychological effects that could result from this "solution." However, I can certainly speak to the negative legal effects and problems that could arise.
First, if you never decide to separate in family law terms (that is, one party making a conscious decision that the marriage is irrevocably over and communicating the intention to end the marriage), there is never a date of separation. The "date of separation" is important in family law because it marks the end of the community. From that date there is no longer a collection of community assets or community debts-instead, a spouse's separate property and debts begin to accumulate, as they did before marriage. Your spouse will continue to be entitled to one-half of all of your property and you will be liable for one-half of your spouse's debt. Therefore, if you are both managing your finances separately without full disclosure and mutual agreement, you could be adversely affected. What's more, your spouse will continue to be entitled to all benefits they were when you were happily married, including possible rights to the family home, life insurance, devises/gifts from a will or trust, and health insurance, to name a few.
The determination of a long term marriage (which can yield indefinite spousal support) is also associated with the date of separation. For example, if your marriage is eight years in duration, and you attempt a non-divorce for 3 years, followed by a real dissolution, the court's characterization of the marriage as long term will probably be contested and require substantial litigation.
Living as financially independent roommates could also present a problem with expenses. Unless you agree to distribute both of your respective incomes in a way that benefits the community, one spouse may not have enough to support his or her lifestyle. Regardless, if you are still residing in the family home with your spouse, the courts will not grant any spousal or child support. Since you have avoided going to the courts entirely, a support award is virtually impossible anyway.)
In the same way, no child custody or visitation orders will ever be established. This means that after attempting the "non-divorce" divorce for a year or so, and after resorting to the real thing, a parent may have a hard time making a case that he or she should be the primary custodian. This is because even if one parent is the primary caregiver during the non-divorce, this fact will be hard to establish if both parents were living in the same home all the while.
For the aforementioned reasons, the non-divorce presents significant legal problems. Spouses who try this "solution" cannot be guaranteed that one spouse will not attempt to obtain a legal divorce down the road. If this occurs, a spouse will not be afforded some of the protections that a traditional divorce provides. In order to ensure that you make an educated decision, you should speak to an attorney who specializes in family law matters. He or she can point you to two potential solutions-a post-nuptial agreement or a legal separation. Both options will cost some amount of fees and time in mundane paperwork, but will allow you to live whatever lifestyle you want with protection and peace of mind.

I also found the following video:
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/getting-a-non-divorce-divorce/280315152
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 3/8/09

Marital Torts

2009-02-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

A recent article in the February 11, 2009 New York Times by Joshua Robinson and Jack Curry entitled "Legal Dispute Hinges on Whether Alomar Has H.I.V." reminded me that we often include in our divorce agreements language stating whether the couple waives a post judgement claim for a marital tort. You can read the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/12/sports/baseball/12alomar.html. I use marital tort as a euphemism for "did one of them give the other AIDS or a STD." It is not a type of dessert. It is an important issue but an awkward issue to bring up. It raises an issue of infidelity that might not have otherwise come up. I started raising the issue after I heard of a case in which a party discovered that their former spouse gave them AIDS. In that case a party made a claim against the former spouse for giving the party AIDS. The former spouse successfully raised the defense that the party who got AIDS had released the claim in the general release paragraph of the divorce agreement. Divorced spouses also bring tort claims against each other for misconduct that occurred during the marriage As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 2/27/09

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-22T06:00:00.004-07:00

The logo for my Divorce TV show is the above broken heart. Since the shows originates from Tucson, Arizona, I always thought it would be appropriate to have a cactus shaped heart. I pondered how I could get one and even thought of cutting up a cactus. I was pleasantly surprised to find the following heart shaped cactus in the Arizona Star on Valentines Day.

It then occurred to me that I should have used Google Images to find a heart shaped cactus. When I googled it I found lots of them. See them at http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=heart+cactus&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2
I am now planning to use the heart shaped cactus as part of the introduction to the show.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 2/22/09

Divorce, Pensions, Beneficiary, and the United States Supreme Court

2009-02-15T06:00:00.002-07:00

Divorce related cases don’t often make it to the United States Supreme Court but Kennedy vs. Plan Administrator for Dupont Saving and Investment Plan did! It is a important reminder to follow up the actions taken in a divorce.
The Supreme Court stated in its syllabus that "The decedent, William Kennedy, participated in his employer’s savings and investment plan (SIP), with power both to designate a beneficiary to receive the funds upon his death and to replace or revoke that designation as prescribed by the plan administrator. Under the terms of the plan, if there is no surviving spouse or designated beneficiary at the time of death, distribution is made as directed by the estate’s executor or administrator. Upon their marriage, William designated Liv Kennedy his SIP beneficiary and named no contingent beneficiary. Their subsequent divorce decree divested Liv of her interest in the SIP benefits, but William did not execute a document removing Liv as the SIP beneficiary. On William’s death, petitioner Kari Kennedy, his daughter and the executrix of his Estate, asked for the SIP funds to be distributed to the Estate, but the plan administrator relied on William’s designation form and paid them to Liv. The Estate filed suit, alleging that Liv had waived her SIP benefits in the divorce and thus respondents, the employer and the SIP plan administrator (together, DuPont), had violated ERISA by paying her. As relevant here, the District Court entered summary judgment for the Estate, ordering DuPont to pay the benefits to the Estate. The Fifth Circuit reversed, holding that
Liv’s waiver was an assignment or alienation of her interest to the Estate barred by §1056(d)(1)
Held:
Because Liv did not attempt to direct her interest in the SIPbenefits to the Estate or any other potential beneficiary, her waiver did not constitute an assignment or alienation rendered void under §1056(d)(1)."
You can read the entire opinion at
http://www.supremecourtus.gov/opinions/08pdf/07-636.pdf
If you don’t want these results make sure you follow up what you agreed to in your divorce.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. You can get more information at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 2/15/09

Elder Mediation

2009-02-08T06:03:00.003-07:00

The Center for Divorce Mediation & Alternative Dispute Resolution, Inc. also specializes in Elder Mediation. Elder Mediation is a new approach to helping seniors and their adult children resolve life-cycle issues. We encourage families having trouble with elder issues to use mediation to reach a binding agreement resolving those issues, thereby strengthening the family. The family jointly hires a member of the Center to act not as a lawyer or counselor for either, but as a mediator. During a series of meetings the family works with the mediator to identify their issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them, including exchange of information and whatever sharing of responsibility they consider best for them. Each family member is free to consult with a lawyer or other advisor at any time, but the family members are encouraged to consult with a neutral financial planner or other expert, rather than hiring dueling experts. The process is designed to help the family, with the assistance of the mediator, approach their dispute as a problem to be solved through brainstorming by all participants.
Typical issues addressed are: the selection of care giver for the elderly parent; inheritance or estate planning issues; financial decisions such as who will manage the finances for the elderly parent; the wish for an elderly parent to continue driving despite multiple auto accidents; residence issues, medical treatment decisions, and guardianship/conservator issues.
Once an agreement is reached, the Center will write a draft of a Mediation Agreement for each member of the family to review with his or her legal advisor before signing the Agreement.
Elder Mediation works only if the family is willing to make a good faith effort to reach agreement. There is no legal obligation to agree. Any commitment to mediation and to make the resulting agreement work comes voluntarily from the family.
The process of negotiating and writing a legal agreement can strengthen a family. A stressful, destructive pattern of unresolved conflict can be transformed into supportive, creative problem solving of difficult life-cycle issues through mediation.

Read further about Elder Mediation in an article in Lawyer’s USA at
http://www.lawyersweeklyusa.com/index.cfm/archive/view/id/430813#

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. You can get more information at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 2/8/09

Tips for Getting a Divorce in a Bad Economy Part 1

2009-02-01T06:00:00.007-07:00

As the economy worsens couples contemplating divorce face even more problems than normal. We estimate it costs 30% more to live separately than together. Many couples cannot afford to get divorced. I have compiled the following "tips" to help them. Please send me your suggestions.
1. Try Harder: See if you can save your marriage. Try marital mediation or marital counseling. It may be covered by your health insurance. If not, your religious affiliation or local non profit organizations may have free counseling. We offer marital mediation. See more at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com./
2. Use Mediation: It will not only cost you less to get the divorce but will probably save you money in the long run. You can get more information at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/
3. Represent Yourself: Most courts allow you to represent yourself in a divorce. It is called either pro per or pro se. The courts either have kits you can use or can refer you to the place you can get them. They are online in Arizona at http://www.sc.pima.gov/?tabid=119 . The court web site also has a Family Law quick guide at http://www.sc.pima.gov/?tabid=113. There are also many books available which will walk you thru the process.
4. Consider Bankruptcy: Consult with a bankruptcy attorney to see if bankruptcy is best for you. It is probably better if both husband and wife file. If you don’t want to file for bankruptcy, try negotiating with your creditors.
5. Use One Attorney to Prepare Documents and Another Attorney to Review Them: One attorney cannot represent both of you but if you both agree on all the issues, one attorney can represent one of you and prepare all the documents. I suggest the person not represented by that attorney get his or her own attorney to review the documents. It should not cost much to do this.
6. Consider Creative Housing Solutions: Even before the recent economic problems couples did this. If your house allows it live in separate areas of the house and work out a schedule when you do not have to be in the house at the same time. You should consider what impact this has on your children. Move in with a parent or friend or house sit. I have not heard of anyone doing this but it might work. Consider a Kate and Allie living arrangement. This is named after the 1984 television show in which Allie Lowell divorces her husband and gets custody of their two children, and moves in with her best friend, Kate McArdle, also divorced and raising a daughter. They form a unique kind of family unit. The show starred Susan St. James and Jane Curtin. In the ultimate version of this show the husbands could live together and the wives could live together!
7. Short Sales: Negotiate a short sales, in which the bank agrees to cut the loan amount to the sale price.
8. Disaster Scenarios: Have your divorce agreement include "disaster scenarios", automatic adjustments to support payment schedules a party loses their jobs. Job loss adjustments should be temporary and might include a postponement rather than an elimination of support.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. If you have any suggestions on how to divorce in bad economic times, please comment. You can get more information at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 2/1/09

Lights, Camera, Action: Divorce TV

2009-01-25T06:50:00.002-07:00

The Association for Conflict Resolution’s Family Mediation News published in the Fall 2008 issue an article by me entitled, "Lights, Camera, Action: Divorce TV." It discusses how I produce my own public access television program about divorce. You can see the entire article at

http://www.acrfamilysection.org/Portals/0/FamilyFall.08.pdf

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. You can get more information at our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 1/25/09

Top Ten Ways To Protect Your Kid s from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-up

2009-01-12T06:00:00.001-07:00

People pass on to us items which they think would be helpful in our blog. Suzannah Kelly of Bountiful Films recently forwarded to me Joan Kelly’s Top Ten Ways To Protect Your Kid s from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-up. Bountiful Films says that "Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D. is a groundbreaking clinical psychologist and researcher who began studying the impact of divorce on children in 1968. Joan is an author, therapist, mediator, and parenting coordinator with four decades of experience working with high conflict parents who are separating. She has more than 85 publications, including Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce which she authored with Judith Wallerstein."
1. Talk to your children about your separation.
Studies show that only 5 percent of parents actually sit down, explain to their children when a
marriage is breaking up, and encourage the kids to ask questions. Nearly one quarter of parents
say nothing, leaving their children in total confusion. Talk to your kids. Tell them, in very simple
terms, what it all means to them and their lives. When parents do not explain what's happening
to their children, the kids feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope with the
separation.
2. Be discreet.
Recognize that your children love you both, and think of how to reorganize things in a way that
respects their relationship with both parents. Don't leave adversarial papers, filings and
affidavits out on your kitchen counter for children to read. Don't talk to your best friend, your
mother, your lawyer on the phone about legal matters or your ex when the kids are in the next
room. They may hear you. Sometimes kids creep up to the door to listen. Even though they’re
disturbed by conflict and meanness between their parents, kids are inevitably curious - and ill equipped
to understand these adult matters.
3. Act like grown-ups. Keep your conflict away from the kids.
Even parents with high levels of anger can "encapsulate" their conflict, creating a protective
buffer for the children by saving arguments or fights for a mediator’s office – or a scheduled
meeting at a coffee shop. It may seem obvious but so many separating parents continue to fall
down on this front. When parents put children in the middle of their conflict and use them as
messengers, sounding-boards, or spies, children often become depressed and angry and
may develop behavioral problems .
4 . Dad, stay in the picture.
Long-term studies show that the more involved fathers are after separation and divorce, the
better. Develop a child-centered parenting plan that allows a continuing and meaningful
relationship with both parents. Where a good father-child relationship exists, kids grow into
adolescence and young adulthood as well-adjusted as married-family children. High levels of
appropriate father involvement are linked to better academic functioning in kids as well as better
adjustment overall. That's true at every age level and particularly in adolescents. Fathers, be
more than a "fun" dad. Help with homework and projects, use appropriate discipline, and be
emotionally available to talk about problems.
5. Mom, deal with anger appropriately.
In their anger and pain, mothers may actively try to keep Dad out of the children's lives - even
when they are good fathers whom the children love. When you’re hurting, it’s easy to think you
never want to see the ex again, and to convince yourself that’s also best for the kids. But
children’s needs during separation are very different from their parents. Research reports
children consistently saying, "Tell my dad I want to see him more. I want to see him for longer
periods of time. Tell my mom to let me see my dad."
6. Be a good parent.
You can be forgiven for momentarily "losing it" in anger or grief, but not for long. Going through
a separation is not a vacation from parenting - providing appropriate discipline, monitoring your
children, maintaining your expectations about school, being emotionally available. Competent
parenting has emerged as one of the most important protective factors in terms of children’s
positive adjustment to separation.
7. Manage your own mental health.
If feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger continue to overwhelm you, seek help. Even a few
sessions of therapy can be enormously useful. Remember, your own mental health ha s an
impact o n your children.
8. Keep the people your children care about in their lives.
Encourage your children to stay connected to your ex’s family and important friends. If possible,
use the same babysitters or child-care. This stable network strengthens a child’s feeling that
they are not alone in this world, but have a deep and powerful support system – an important
factor in becoming a psychologically healthy adult.
9. Be thoughtful about your future love life.
Ask yourself: must your children meet everyone you date? Take time, a lot of time, before you
remarry or cohabit again. Young children in particular form attachments to your potential life
partners and, if new relationships break up, loss after loss may lead to depression and lack of
trust in children. And don’t expect your older kids to instantly love someone you’ve chosen – this
person will have to earn their respect and affection.
10. Pay your child support .
Even if you’re angry or access to your children is withheld, pay child support regularly. Children
whose parents separate or divorce face much more economic instability than their married
counterparts, even when support is paid. Don’t make the situation worse. In this as in all things,
let your message to the kids be that you care so much about them that you will keep them
separate, and safe, from any conflict. They will appreciate it as they get older.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 1/12/09

Not Your Dad's Divorce

2009-01-05T06:00:00.002-07:00

My daughters often send me articles they think will be a good subject matter for our blog. The latest is an article in the December 15, 2008 issue of Newsweek by Susanna Schrobsdorff entitled, "Not Your Dad's Divorce." See entire article at http://www.newsweek.com/id/174790
Ms. Schrobsdorff, starts out by saying, "The traditional "Dad gets every other weekend" formula is logistically easier than what Jorgen and I planned. But ours is an increasingly common arrangement. "It's not like it was 20 years ago," says Dr. Leslie Drozd, editor of the journal Child Custody. "There's no longer the same presumption that young children must be with their mother."
Courts are changing as well; in the small percentage (5 percent) of custody cases that do go to litigation, judges are now more inclined to disregard gender and look at who's the better parent, says Gary Nickelson, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "Now they look at parenting skills. Who took care of the children before the divorce?" Most often, children still end up living primarily with the mother; according to the most recent census, Moms are the official primary residential parent after a divorce in five out of six cases, a number that hasn't changed much since the mid-1990s.
Nationwide, the proportion of divorced spouses who opt for joint physical custody, where kids spend anywhere between 33 and 50 percent of their time with one parent and the rest with the other, are still small—about 5 percent, according to an analysis of data from the 1990's on post-divorce living arrangements by clinical psychologist Joan B. Kelly in the journal Family Process in 2007. But in California and Arizona, where statutes permitting joint physical custody were adopted in the 1980s, a decade earlier than in most states, the joint physical custody rates were higher, ranging from 12 to 27 percent.
Formal custody assignments don't tell the whole story of increased involvement by divorced fathers. Research to be published in the journal Family Relations in 2009 shows that there have been significant increases in how much non-resident Dads (those who don't have primary custody) are seeing their kids. In 1976, only 18 percent of these Dads saw their children (ages 6-12) at least once a week. By 2002, that number had risen to 31 percent.
"It's likely that more fathers are seeing their children mid-week for dinner or an overnight. It's a change that really started in the 1990s," says Dr. Robert Emery, one of the co-authors of the Family Relations study (along with Paul R. Amato and Catherine E. Myers). "There's been a cultural shift—a father's involvement with their children is seen as important and positive," says Emery who is the author of "The Truth About Children and Divorce" (Penguin, 2003)."
Her parting advice is the same as I tell clients, "The willingness of both parents to cooperate is the key factor in how kids adjust to a divorce. Gary Nickelson reminds parents that they should start creating a collaborative relationship with an ex-spouse early. "You're not going to sign the child-custody agreement, whatever it is, and be done with your wife or husband. I tell my clients, if you're lucky, you'll be sitting next to them for graduations and marriages and all kinds of achievements, so learn to get along."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. More information on our web site at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM 1/5/09

Divorces Are Down, Both Nationally and Locally

2008-12-29T06:00:00.003-07:00

I always scan the newspaper for divorce stories. I have been wondering how the economy as effected the divorce rate. I was pleasantly surprised to see a story on the front page of the Arizona Star on December 4, 2008 by Gabriela Rico entitled, "Divorces Are Down, Both Nationally and Locally" See full story at
http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/270077.php Ms. Rico says, "In these scary economic times, couples seem to be sticking to the "for worse" part of their marriage vows and deciding their differences may not be so unreconcilable after all.
Nationwide, divorce filings are down and Pima County appears to be following the trend.
From January through November last year, 4,338 couples filed a petition for marriage dissolution in Pima County Superior Court. That number dropped to 4,261 for the same time this year.
In November alone, divorce petitions in Pima County dropped to 295 compared to 349 in November 2007, according to Pima County Clerk of the Court records."
She goes on to say, "many couples are signing up for mediation or counseling instead of rushing to divorce court. Pima County Superior Court offers mediation to couples who have filed for divorce, and requests for those sessions are also up, said Ford Nicholson, clinical services supervisor with The Family Center, which is part of the court's Family Law division. From January to October 2007, the program received 86 petitions for mediation. During the same time this year, 107 petitions have been received. ‘The focus is to help people try to work on their marriage,’ Nicholson said."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 12/29/08

How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids

2008-12-22T06:00:00.001-07:00

One of the interesting things about the internet is how a community is formed. Everyone is reaching out to contact and yes promote their ideas and projects. I participate in this process and after screening the emails try to "spread the word" about material I think is helpful. I recently received an email from Suzannah of Bountiful Films about their documentary that will be Thursday January 8th, 9pm on CBC's (Canadian Television) Doc Zone, How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids. Suzannah emailed me that the show, "follows three couples who actually divorce on camera, giving viewers unprecedented access to an intensely private process. We at Bountiful Films intend to show Canadians that despite being overwhelmed by anger and grief, couples can make clear and powerful choices. They can purposefully choose options designed to diminish conflict that make it possible to still function together as parents Watch as they end their marriages utilizing three such options: collaborative divorce, mediation and a do-it-yourself kit."
She goes on to review the film synopsis: "The end of a marriage doesn't have to be the end of a family. Parents contemplating divorce are barraged with "divorce from hell" stories – the kind that leave children scarred for life. But there is another reality. Grass roots Canadians are at the heart of a quiet revolution – couples working on "good" divorces, which acknowledge that the end of a marriage isn't the end of a family. How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids takes viewers directly into the heart of one of the most emotionally devastating life transitions, as three courageous Canadian couples determined to keep the needs of their children front and centre, separate on camera. Roland and Carolye use a do-it-yourself divorce kit. Mike an d Melissa work with a mediator. And Lionel and Sally use a new and controversial process called collaborative divorce. How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids delivers the latest compelling evidence to convince separating parents to keep conflict away from their kids."
You can get more information about Bountiful Films or view the trailer their web site at http://bountiful.ca or at http://www.youtube.com/user/BountifulFilms or embedded below:

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 12/22/08