BAMBOO NATION

Me vs. Steve Urkel; or: The Twitter Debate Resolved

2009-12-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

There has been much heated debate here about the efficacy and the douchebag factor of Twitter, particularly around the issue of whether or not I should start tweeting, but I certainly realize that it's a medium that cannot be ignored. Everybody with even a cursory understanding of contemporary PR and marketing sings Twitter's praises, with a fanatical zeal almost as intense as my obsession with Levi Johnston's johnson.

So, I have set up a Twitter account, and I have decided that I will, as I wrote in my first and only tweet, "start posting here regularly the moment I acquire more followers than Urkel--you know, Jaleel White on 'Family Matters.' (He's at 522.)"

You know I'm serious.

So, if this is of interest to you, here is my Twitter page.

But, honestly, if you're not interested, don't follow. I'm only going to do it if people actually want such a thing from me in that particular medium. Otherwise, keep rockin' Bamboo Nation by itself, and allow me to not turn into a douchebag, which I will become if I hit the 523 mark. Oh, the things I do for you.

"Booty" the Bunny-Headed Cyberstalker [Louise's Saturday Videos]

2009-12-19T06:00:00.001-08:00

Maybe the best (or worst fail) interview ever. Here's what the info about this video says on YouTube: "Cranston police have arrested an alleged cyberstalker. Ann Bruno, a local costume shop owner, is accused of using a computer to harass a competitor. NBC 10s Jim Taricani attempted to question her about it in what turned out to be an unusual interview. This video is not fake. This was on our local news channel and was handled and dealt with as real news. Not a fake Internet video." Hm...okay. Well, all I have to say about Ms. Bruno right now is that if "Booty" can fit into a Santa Suit then...she's hired! Watch (sorry for the grainy quality, but stick with it—it's worth it.)

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise On The Left.]

Railroad Lovin' [NSFW?]

2009-12-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

The following may or may not be real, but, either way, its brilliance cannot be denied. It's a Craigslist sex ad from Philadelphia. Now I've seen my share of Craigslist sex ads (you know...for research), but this possibly not-safe-for-work posting is head and shoulders above anything I've ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on. Click the photo to enlarge:

You know how much I love crab meat, imitation or otherwise....

[Thanks to omgblog.com.]

"C Me Dance": See Me Throw Up

2009-12-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

The following movie trailer advertises yet another inspirational dance flick, right? No, no, wait. It actually advertises an emotional disease-of-the-week movie, right? No, no, wait. What the hell is this? And why is Satan in this movie?! Watch:

The Best Facebook Fails, Part 2

2009-12-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

[Read "The Best Facebook Fails."]

Oh, there's so much more joy to be had this week! Click to enlarge:

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[Thanks to The Huffington Post.]

Thieves With Bad Vision Break Into a Bank

2009-12-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

This funny and, dare I say, gross commercial from an eyeglass business in Thailand would never make it past U.S. censors, but it sure does get its point across, doesn't it? Watch:

[Thanks to Thailand, Land of Smiles.]

A Conversation in the Kitchen

2009-12-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

LOREN: I have a $250 gift certificate for Sur La Table!

PRINCE: Cool.

LOREN: What should we get for the kitchen?

PRINCE: A snow cone machine!

LOREN: We're not getting a snow cone machine.

PRINCE: But I need a snow cone machine. I can't think of anything else that I would rather have.

LOREN: No, seriously, c'mon, what should we get? I narrowed it down to five things.

PRINCE: Why do you even ask me? You're gonna get what you want to get anyway, so it's pointless to pretend like I have a say in this.

LOREN: You do have a say in this...

PRINCE: Then let's get a snow cone machine!

LOREN: ...from the list of five things I've narrowed it down to.

PRINCE: A snow cone machine isn't on that list?

LOREN: We are not going to spend $250 on a snow cone machine.

PRINCE: It's not $250! It's a gift certificate! It's free!

LOREN: I'm getting a food processor.

New Contest! Leave a Comment to Win "The Soloist" (The Book)

2009-12-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned before, I have some goodies to give away. Let's kick things off with a nonfiction book that I would keep and read myself if I didn't already have a stack of literature I'm trying to get through.

THE PRIZE: A brand-new copy of The Soloist by Steve Lopez. "This is the true story of journalist Steve Lopez's discovery of Nathaniel Ayers, a former classical bass student at Julliard, playing his heart out on a two-string violin on Los Angeles' Skid Row. Deeply affected by the beauty of Ayers's music, Lopez took it upon himself to change the prodigy's life—only to find that their relationship has had a profound change on his own life."

THE RULES: Leave a comment—any comment—by Saturday, December 19, 2009, 11:59 p.m. If you don't have an ID you can sign in with, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me to claim your prize. One winner will be chosen at random. Anyone in the world can enter, even those people who have won before.

Cute Asian Ukulele Boy Does "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" and ""While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

2009-12-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

I found out some details about Cute Asian Ukulele Boy, who previously wowed us with a cover of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." He is five years old, and he is Japanese. On his YouTube page, his parent (I presume) wrote:

He and I started playing ukulele only one year ago.
We first learned the uke by watching a TV program (NHK).
The program lasted three months.

It was Louise on the Left who pointed out that this kid is more than a one-trick pony. Check him out doing an adorable cover of The Beatles' "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"...in a tie! Watch:

If that doesn't clobber you over the head with a sock full of cute, then see him jamming hard to "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Watch:

[Thanks to Louise on the Left.]

My Name Is Prince, but I Am Not Funky

2009-12-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, I received a series of e-mails from a girl who for some reason thought I was the musician Prince. At first I thought it was a just a lame joke (because who would think that the musician Prince's personal e-mail address would be so easy to obtain?), but, as the e-mails progressed, it became clear that this girl was seriously deluded. I figured it was because she was either very young or didn't understand technology or something like that.

I stupidly replied to the first e-mail to humor her, but she took that as an invitation to write more. Beyond my single e-mail, I didn't respond to her again.

Here, then, are all the e-mails I received from her; I have edited out her name, e-mail address, and phone number (which, by the way, has an Oklahoma area code):

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 11:03 AM

happy birthday!
i hope your wishes come true.And that you are happy.
and you get what you might wish for.i love you!!! .and i hope
you have an awesome birthday.and your music is really awesome,
and so are you.and maybe i can meet you someday.
who knows,maybe i will.but i can keep dreaming.
and i wish u can come to my birthday.my birthday is on july 2.
but im moving in june.so im gonna have a earley birthday.
but i wish you can come before i move.cause i love you so very much.
but i don't have to.if you don't want to.
but i'll see ya later,but have a great birthday!!
love,your friend(maybe)
R.

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 3:17 PM

i took a love calculator test.and for some reason,i put my name(R.) then i put your name(Prince).when it was done.it said......79%,perfect match.Get Married .then i took another part of the test and it.said...the combination might be hard to match.while the gemini is constantly on the aleart for change,the cancer ,on the other hand ,is satisfied to become a truly domesticated partner.however ,the cancer moodiness may become too much for the gemini to cope with.there would be a better compatibility in relationships where the women is a gemini and the man is a cancer.thats what it said.(but i think it makes no diffrence).
But.i (try to)write music sometimes.with my friends.but i plan to be a singer.but i might wanna go solo.and i was wondering if i can maybe......write a song(lyrics)for you.but i'll show you 1 of the ones i wrote anyway.bye bye

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, Apr 26, 2009 at 8:54 AM

Me and my friends wrote a song for someone (you)

My friend came up with the name of it
it's called "(baby) I always loved you"

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baby I always loved you.
but all this time,you
never knew.

I had deep feeling's for you.
you have no idea
(maybe) I'll see you again

again,and again.(baby)
I wanna go to your place.
cause i wanna see you face.

All I wanna do is...
tell you to your face.
I love you baby.

so so much (you)
are my world
i love you so

I wanna tell you to your face
baby i always loved you
everyday and night.

I wanna hold you tight.
close to me,forever baby.
baby i always loved you.

baby i always loved you.
tell me that you love,me
baby.....

baby i always loved you
maybe,you can come to my place.
I wanna see your face.
I been thinking of you.
everyday and night
I wanna hold you tight.

baby i always loved you.
maybe,you can come to my place.
I wanna see your face.
I been thinking of you.
everyday and night.
I wanna hold you tight

(Repeat till fade)
-----------------------
that's the song hope you like it.
talk to you later!

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, May 3, 2009 at 6:08 PM

I love your music.And if ever met you.I would love you as a person.And not just a person with money.i would love you for just who you are.And i bet your a really great person.inside and out.
my number (XXX-XXX-XXXX)
(i promise not tell anybody about this)
and if i don't answer my phone.
i went to my friends.or i have to baby sit.you can call whenever you want.
I'll talk to you later.
bye!

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Mon, May 4, 2009 at 11:25 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hope your birthday wishes come true.
And you'll always have people who love you,
like me.And I want to let you know.That I will
always love you.No matter what happens.
I will always love you.And your a really awesome person.
And i bet your a good person.(on a diffrent subject),I had many dreams about you.
There was this one dream I had about you.Where we were holding hands.And I was
laying my head on your lap.And you stroking my hair (head).Then i said "I love you".
well happy birthday

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Thu, May 7, 2009 at 5:39 PM

me and my friend write are own songs sometimes.
If you want to hear some.Just call this number (XXX)-XXX-XXXX.
If no one anwsers,,,we went some where.
(diffrent subject)
I had this dream where you where laying by my side.in the middle of the night.
And you had your arms around me.and me saying i love you.then you said i love you to.
then I layed my head on your lap.and you were stroking my hair (head) and you and i said at the same time "i love you".i really love.i bet i'll love also as a person.bye bye

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, May 17, 2009 at 7:20 PM

happy birthday.i love u.bye...

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from: R.
to: Prince
date: Mon, Jul 20, 2009 at 5:33 PM

Your music is awesome!!!!!.Ever since i saw the video "When Doves Cry" i have had sexual fantascy's about you all the time.(I still do!) This feels akward for me,But I love you!!! alot.(still feels akward!) here's my number (XXX)-XXX-XXXX.If i don't anwser (my phone is dead),or just leave a voice mail. (pleaseeeee!) Love ya

"Brokeback" and "Bruno" Top List of Highest-Grossing LGBT-Related Films of the 2000s

2009-12-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.

Read "Brokeback and Bruno Top List of Highest-Grossing LGBT-Related Films of the 2000s."

Handjobs Are the Perfect Christmas Gift!

2009-12-15T06:00:00.001-08:00

When I first saw the commercial for a product called a "Handjob," I thought it had to be a joke. I mean, there's nothing strange about a grip pad that helps you open tight jars—I believe there may be one in my kitchen. But, again, this particular product is called a Handjob, for Christ's sake, and the people who made the funny ad seem to be in on it:

I went to the product's website, ineedahandjob.com, and it appears to be a legitimate product that you can indeed buy and have shipped to you.

I never would've imagined that you could get two handjobs for under five bucks, but I guess things are tough all over.

[Crossposted on The Bilerico Project.]

Update: Asian Boy Ukulele Video Now Working

2009-12-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

Many of you who tried to view the video embedded in the post, "Asian Boy Plays Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours' on Ukulele," were unable to, due to technical difficulty. The clip is now working properly.

Go there now to see why I want to buy one of these children.

Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge: Week #1

2009-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

[See the series archive here.]

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Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.1 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #1):
19.7 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
15 pounds

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We've just completed Pork Chop's first full week on his new diet, and here's where Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge gets really exciting. Will Pork Chop end up being "the biggest loser?"

In the mornings, he gets fed a blend of his favorite dry cat food, Hill's Science Diet Adult Indoor Cat Food...

...and Nutro Max Cat Indoor Weight Control Adult Cat Food.

This particular type of Science Diet dry food is very good for Pork Chop because of the hefty size of the kibble. The bits are big enough that he has to bite down on them and chew before swallowing.

There are other kinds of Science Diet food and other brands that have small-sized kibble, which Pork Chop will swallow whole, like he was a damn whale or something. We like him to bite and chew. Biting and chewing your food is good.

In the evenings, Pork Chop has been trying out different flavors of Soulistic wet cat food. As I mentioned in my previous post, when we've experimented with wet food in the past, Pork Chop would only lick the gravy. Well, there are some Soulistic flavors that drive him nuts with pleasure, and he will dig into the meat like the carnivore he is. He loves Double Happiness Tuna & Crab Surimi and Celestial Feast Sardines & Tuna. We tried another brand too and discovered that he doesn't like beef so much. Anyway, we're still cycling through flavors, so we'll have a more comprehensive list of his likes and dislikes in the future.

So at the end of Pork Chop's first full week on this challenge, it was time for the weigh-in. I made sure to do the weigh-in after he had taken a dump, just to give him a slight advantage. Now remember, he started out at 20.1 pounds, and this week his goal weight was 19.7 pounds.

We put Pork Chop on the scale, and he weighed...

20.0 pounds!

He was short of his goal by 0.3 pounds. But can we all acknowledge that he did manage to lose 0.1 pounds, which translates to 1.6 whole ounces? (Come to think of it, that poo he made looks like it weighs 1.6 ounces. Hmmmmm....)

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Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.1 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #1):
19.7 pounds

Pork Chop's Actual Weight This Week (Week #1):
20.0 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight Next Week:
19.4 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
15 pounds

My Paranormal Experience Is Now YOUR Paranormal Experience

2009-12-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

I helped create an online paranormal experience that ties in the A&E series, Paranormal State (yup, it's one of those ghost-hunting shows!), and Facebook. Take a look, and see if it manages to creep you out a bit. I already know that the hardcore Paranormal State fans love it (yup, there are hardcore fans of ghost-hunting shows!), but what about you?

Turn up your sound, and check out the Paranormal State Paranormal Experience. And re-post on Facebook and elsewhere if you are so inclined.

Asian Boy Plays Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" on Ukulele

2009-12-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

Oh, you don't want to think this is cute and funny. But it's cute. And it's funny. A young Asian boy strums Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" on a ukulele, while mumbling a smattering of lyrics and making adorable facial expressions. Goddamn, this kid is cute. I want one. Where do I buy it? Watch:

Holiday Specials Prince Shouldn't Watch [Alan's Sunday Recommendations]

2009-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was four years old when the holidays rolled around in 1978. (The geeks among you have all let out a groan knowing exactly which holiday special I’m about to reference.) Even at that age, I was already a huge Star Wars fan. I ate, lived, and breathed Star Wars. The movie had come out over a year earlier, and The Empire Strikes Back wouldn’t come out for another two. In the days without Internet video, DVDs, or DVRs and before VCRs were ubiquitous, a hungry nation yearned for anything Star Wars-related. Unfortunately, the need to feed this unsated market coincided with the popularity of bad 70s variety show television programming. The result was the Star Wars Holiday Special, which has been called “the worst two hours of television ever”.

It only aired in its entirety once, on November 17, 1978, and my little four-year-old self could not wait for that day to come fast enough. I still remember climbing down to our basement family room with its paneling-lined walls and red, white, and blue-checked carpeting (the result of the previous owners redecorating the house in the midst of the bicentennial) and plopping myself down on dad’s old red chair to watch it.

Less than five minutes into it, I turned it off. It was so mind-numbingly bad that even my 4-year-old Star Wars-addicted self couldn’t bear to watch the damn thing. Like most people, as I got older, I convinced myself that it had all been a dream, but it wasn’t a dream. It was George Lucas’s worst nightmare. He once said, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.”

About five years ago, at an “orphan Thanksgiving,” someone had it on their laptop and someone started playing it. I watched about 20 minutes of it before I had to flee into the kitchen.

How bad is it? It features, and I kid you not, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Bea Arthur with performances by Diahann Carroll (that an old Wookie watches in some strange virtual reality sex chair) and Jefferson Starship (well, of course, because they have “starship” in their name!). The plot revolves around a made up holiday called “Life Day,” and the principal film characters all make brief cameos. Perhaps the most famous one is Carrie Fischer as Princess Leia singing the Life Day song to the Star Wars tune at the end. She was reportedly so wasted on various substances that she could barely stand.

To this day, I have never seen the entire thing. I couldn’t even make it through the entire clip below of the aforementioned song (watch as Carrie Fischer clings to Chewbacca for support). If you’re really brave, or perhaps just insane, you can watch the entire special here, but I don’t recommend it…to anyone. Especially not Prince. In his sick and fragile state, it just might put him into a coma.

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Junkie [Aaron's Sunday Photographs]

2009-12-13T06:00:00.001-08:00

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Okay, so I am an addict. And I was told that the first step to recovery is to admit that one has an addiction. Mind you, my addiction is not an unhealthy one. But it's an addiction nonetheless. I realized that I had this addiction when it came time for me to write this week's blog post. That despite the hundreds of photographs that I take each week, the past month is mostly filled with photographs of my son. So, in an effort to keep my promise about not posting photos of my son too frequently, I would like to share with you this photograph that I took at a Korean deli on 1st Avenue in NYC.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

Santa Cullen Wants to Buy You Some Panties! [Louise's Saturday Videos]

2009-12-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season to decorate and show up for holiday parties dressed like Santa. Well, thanks to Miss "Glowpinkstah," we finally have our "Santa Make Up Tutorial!" And she's so right—nothing here looks like it cost $1.99. Watch:

Also, since it is Saturday morning, I've decided this means I should occasionally add some actual cartoons to my Saturday morning assignments. So here's a little vintage winter-themed animated short for your seasonal viewing pleasure. It's a classic Ub Iwerks short from 1934, showing our friend Mr. Jack Frost at work. Watch:

(Jack Frost was directed and produced by Ub Iwerks, who became Walt Disney's foremost animator/collaborator in the formative early years. Animated by Al Eugster. Music score Carl Stalling, the Warner Brothers music legend)

Okay, enjoy! And don't eat the whole box of Cap'n Crunch before mom and dad wake up.

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Under Weather

2009-12-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

Other contributors will keep things going as I contemplate life (and this cold).

Ten Hours Worth of Cat Footage

2009-12-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Here's ten full hours of cat footage converted into a 30-second time lapse video. Look at all the exciting adventures these two felines get into when their owner is away! Remind you of a certain cat known unto you? Watch:

By the way, I can't believe those cats are allowed on the coffee table. Pork Chop would never do something so uncouth.

Google Wave? Sure.

2009-12-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

As you may know, Google pretty much rules every part of my online existence. However, I have no idea what the new invitation-only Google Wave is.

But when I saw on Facebook that Jason from Is That a Gavel in Your Pants? had some invites to give away, I was on it like a whore on money.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with Google Wave yet and I'm not sure I should really care, but that's not the point. The point is that I have it and you don't.

But, alas, I have eight invitations I am allowed to give out to people. Do you want it? Do you want it?!

"Christian Side Hug": It Was a Spoof!

2009-12-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

After I posted the preposterous but nonetheless plausible video of the religious rap song, "Christian Side Hug," the folks over at Doodie Pants pointed out in the comments section that the abstinence-only tune was a spoof. What does it say about modern-day religion that a song so absurd can easily be believed to be true?

For the story behind the song, visit Doodie Pants.

"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" in 60 Second

2009-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Even if you haven't seen New Moon (which I wrote about so eloquently here), you'll still probably find the following spoof wickedly funny. What you might not realize, however, is how accurate this video is. Seriously, these people get it painfully right. Mad props, yo. Watch:

How to Format a Play; or: Organizing Your Script for the Stage Is Easier Than You Think

2009-12-08T13:00:00.000-08:00

Even after I've thoroughly explained proper playwriting format in my classes at USC (in the Master of Professional Writing Program) and EWP (in the David Henry Hwang Writers Institute), students still turn in work that simply doesn't look right. The reason for this is because students have a difficult time straying from the format they're used to; i.e., they, like most us, are typically only familiar with play scripts published in book form. So, we've been exposed to the improper formatting in these books over and over again since grade school, and it can be hard to shake. (Well, at least until I bloody your script with scary red "F's"all over the place. )

Why do published plays get it "wrong?" In order to keep business costs down, publishers aim to use as little paper as possible. To help facilitate this, they eschew standard playwriting format in order to cram as much onto a page as they can. So, the fancy published plays we see at the bookstore and the acting editions we find in theater shops should not be used as examples for when we're sitting down to write a play.

The scripts that get sent to theaters, competitions, and agents and that are used in the rehearsal room of productions of new plays follow a standard format. (Note: Productions of older work mostly make use of published plays. So, those actors used to being in shows that are not "new" would also only be used to the improper playwriting format in books.)

The formatting rules that I'm providing here should serve as a general guideline. There's some flexibility in how things are done, and some variations from playwright to playwright are acceptable. The important things are to be consistent in whatever it is you choose to do and to make your script as easy to read as possible.

Print out the following play-formatting document for future reference. (Contact me if you want a PDF version of this sent to you.) Pass it along too, so I can single-handedly be responsible for setting the industry standard! This one-page document covers margins, font, stage directions, character names, dialogue, when to capitalize, and when to italicize. Click to enlarge:

A quick note about musicals. Capitalize all the lyrics. This will help readers separate the songs out from the rest of the script.

Okay, that's pretty much it. Do what I'm telling you! Any questions?