Flies in the Kitchen

the bunny report

2008-07-20T20:32:00.003-04:00

IN-----------------------------------OUT-----------------------5 MINUTES AGO
response blocking------------response costing------------------responsibility
inhibition-----------------------inhabitation-------------------------inquiry
analrapists-----------------------analysts--------------------------therapists

the name of my forthcoming tax exempt friendship club

2008-06-28T03:24:00.001-04:00

Maggie's not in a cult

Adventures in Failed Networking--or, L'Enfer d'Escalier cont'd.

2008-06-17T11:36:00.010-04:00

Successful political playwright: What do you do?

Me: I do communications for a union during the day and I'm an actor at night.

Successful political playwright: So what's the relationship between the union and acting?

Me: Well...we have a lot of actors in the union.

and scene

Where did we go wrong, Alec Baldwin?

2008-06-15T18:34:00.030-04:00

Like a whale-oil lamp on the railing of a clapboard widow's walk, the hope that a movie star might fall in love with me burns past hope, through the darkest depths of my tragically anonymous existence.

Surrounded by moral depravity, he is desperately in search of a genuine word with a humble innocent. My cynicism and radicalism make him feel inferior, my eccentricities are the subculture to which he longs to return.

My movie star follows the movement of my plump limbs, his steady diet of starving models suddenly unappetizing. I play no games and my nonchalance and warmth open his famous heart.

When I dressed to meet Alec Baldwin today, I first chose one of my sister's black miniskirts, part of her strictly-off-limits wardrobe. It occurred to me that my best angle was wild hippie, so I paired it with one of those crepe tunics from suburban head shops. The thigh-hugging band around the bottom of the skirt rendered it both flattering and extraordinarily ruinable. I chickened out and changed into my own baggy cotton dress under the tunic.

I arrived at Larry's recording studio early and my bygone production assistant days came rushing back to me. While vacuuming up cat fur, I heard the buzzer. I sprung up, lingered as He poked his head in the door. His hair was wet, disheveled. He looked better than he does on TV, natural. His eyes were clear. His shirt was beautiful. I followed him to the kitchen to pour him a glass of water, said hi, went back out, got the release for him to sign. I was reintroduced by name, and he looked straight into my face, polite, charming. Nothing. No glimmer of love, no plea for escape from his humdrum life of fame. He said he'd like to look over the release after reading, if I didn't mind.

With every passing page he read of Ulysses, I fell deeper and deeper in love. His voice was like an axe breaking an icy mountain wall. I watched his crisp, staccato gestures on the TV monitor, followed his pursed fingers as he crescendoed, giggled when he cursed after fumbling over words. With every gap in speaking, I was on my feet, release in hand. I contemplated whether to tell him, "You're genius in 30 Rock," or just slip him my number. Could I do it?

When he finished recording, he was soaked in sweat. We gathered round him at the kitchen table as he snacked, told animated stories with the confidence of a man who never has to fight for attention. His life seemed pure and simple. I pictured blue beaches and reading glasses and Sunday mass. His point of view seemed completely his own, unpretentious and strong. I tried to interject into the conversation, but my words were lost. He would be announcing at the Tonys tonight and expected that they would be fun. He shook our hands again and was off.

I drove back to Brooklyn in my grandparents' '93 Subaru, my fantasies punctuated with hypnic jerks of regret. I daydreamed that he asked me to come along to the show.

"But I don't have a dress," I would exclaim, and I thought of the various ways he would procure one for me. What would my sister have said to him? The gossip magazines would snap our picture for the next day. I should privatize my Facebook page. How would I covertly shave my arms and legs before the Tonys, which until our date I had proudly displayed as feminist political statements? I'd have to use his razor or ask his assistant. I should have worn the skirt! I should have mentioned politics. If only I had told him I work for the union--he would have liked that.

The regrets washed over me and I realized that I actually, actually believed that this was a possibility. I actually believed--and this is why I accepted the side job on a Sunday in the first place--that Alec Baldwin might in fact upend my life. That he probably would have, had I worn a shorter skirt or thought of a cool thing to say while I delivered his water.

Instead I stunk of corruption, corruption by the prospect of fame. I returned, embarrassed, to my Bed-Stuy apartment and began plunking out words for no one to read.

Update: http://perezhilton.com/2008-06-16-quote-of-the-day-243

You guys want some snackies?

2008-06-02T16:48:00.004-04:00

In twist on the classic "food guy dies from his own creation," the guy who invented Pringles containers has requested that his family place his remains in a Pringles sleeve. Done.

Why?

2008-05-29T19:13:00.003-04:00

How has it become so that Al Franken is the leading contender to be the candidate of the Democratic Party, or in the case of Minnesota, the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, to run against the very unpopular Senator Norm Coleman. The United States Senate!?

Al Franken is a kurd. I don't like him. Couldn't they get anyone better? Chuck Schumer, as chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee you have failed us. Why can't Rahm Emanuel run the congressional and senatorial campaign committees? Just a thought.

CATBUS FOR SALE

2008-05-20T15:55:00.005-04:00

From Craigslist:

I HAVE A 1995 MO' VAN THAT GOT TRANSFORMED INTO THIS CATBUS. I BROUGHT IT TO A SHOPS AND I WAS LIKE HEY, CAN YOU TURN THIS INTO A CATBUS? SO THEY DID. THEN THAT DAY I DROVE IT HOME. THE CAT BUS ONLY HAS 50K, WHICH ARE ALL HIGHWAY MILES AS I DROVE IT TO WORK 2 DAYS A WEEK AND THAT WAS IT. IT'S IN REALLY GOOD SHAPE AND ALL THE FUR IS STILL ALL THERE. THE STEERING WHEEL HAS A CAT ON IT. IM ONLY ASKING 2900 FOR THE CATBUS BECAUSE ITS REALLY FURRY AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET SICK ON IT.

*AJ found it.

Video Declared "Waist of Time"; I Declare YouTube Wasteland of Animus

2008-05-12T11:34:00.012-04:00

Since the LOLFox video took off, I have for the first time encountered the sphere of YouTube commenting. It's the ultimate free-for-all and not for the thin of skin. I guess as a result of the anonymity, the norms of polite society do not apply and there's this vitriolic mood. It's a space in which people can be utterly sociopathic with no consequences. Maybe that's why there's such desperate violence in the provocations--it's that much harder to engage others in any kind of back-and-forth.

Also, everyone thinks I'm male.

For a video game, it's a movement--but for a movement, it's a video game

2008-05-09T10:21:00.003-04:00

From the wikipedia article on the keffiyah:

"In current times, in the music video for the Nine Inch Nails single "Survivalism", Trent Reznor can be seen wearing a shemagh around his neck, though the use of the shemagh in the video is appropriated in part to represent the Art is Resistance movement in the band's promotional alternate reality game for its 2007 album Year Zero."

Idle's stance on Tibet, Summer 2008 Olympics overly simple

2008-05-05T01:17:00.001-04:00

Adventures in frame-by-framing through Final Cut

2008-05-02T17:28:00.005-04:00

I was editing a video today when, while scrolling through this Fox News intro, I saw a very familiar face. A very Republican face.

Then my coworker Dave made it like a movie.

We'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hors d'oeuvres...

2008-05-01T11:54:00.007-04:00

"The 1894 cartoon depicts laborers frolicking, bare-footed, in an idyllic countryside, dressed in classicized tunics and shifts and apparently ready for work that is challenging and rewarding without being demoralizing or exhausting...The ribbons – a convention of political cartoons – declare the ideals of a socialist lifestyle: 'Eight Hours,' 'Leisure For All,' and 'No Starving Children in the Board Schools' in 1894..."

My boss sent that to me.

Your Summer Outdoor Music Festival Calendar

2008-04-25T09:50:00.019-04:00

Shad festivals, bluegrass festivals, blues festivals, jamband festivals, experimental music festivals, far away music festivals.

APRIL

26, New Jersey Folk Fest, New Brunswick, NJ

25-27, Some Kind of Jam 3, Kempton, PA

27, Rock Against Racism, New Paltz, NY

MAY
3, Bourbon Street Blues Fest, Lebanon Twp, NJ

3, Bucks County Music Festival, Morrisville, PA

9-10, Awesometown Music Festival, Morrisville, PA

15-18, Gettysburg Bluegrass Festival, Gettysburg, PA
16-18, No Fun Fest, NY, NY

16-18, Camp Jam in the Pines, Monroeville, NY

16-18, The Family Dawgz Picnic & Fire on the Mt. Festival, Prattsburgh, NY

18, Riverkeeper Shad Fest, Garrison, NY

23-25, Sterling Stage Folkfest, Sterling, NY

23-25, the GottaGetGon, Ballston Spa, NY

24-25, 4th Annual Spring Barn Jam, Sherman, NY

24-26, 6th Annual Strange Creek Campout, Greenfield, MA

29-31, Graves Mountain Festival of Music, Syria, VA

29-6/1, Strawberry Park Bluegrass Fest, Preston CT

30-6/1, Mountain Jam IV, Hunter Mountain, NY

30-6/1, NEPA Blugrass Festival, Tunkhannock, PA

30-6/1, 19th Annual Crawfish Fest, Augusta, NJ

JUNE

5-8, Strawberry Park Cajun Zydeco Fest, Preston, CT

6-8, Hypnotic Clambake's 12th Annual Our Music Festival, Sherman, NY

6-8, Phat Man's Birthday, Hannibal, NY
6-8, Bach & Beyond Baroque Music Festival, Fredonia, NY
8, Billtown Blues Fest, Hughesville, PA

7, In and Out of the Garden, Morrisville, PA
10-15, Vision Festival XIII, New York, NY

12-15, Wind Gap Bluegrass Festival, Wind Gap, PA
13-14, Virginia Blues & Jazz Festival, Warm Springs, VA

14, Hunter's Harmonica Festival, Slippery Rock, PA
14, Tinner Hill John Jackson Blues Festival, Falls Church, VA

15, FVLA Community Musical Picnic, Williamstown, NJ

15-28, Jazz Festival New York, NY, NY

19-22, Pocono Mountains Bluegrass Festival, Newfoundland, PA

19-22, Smoked Country Jam, Loganton, PA *benefits lupus
19-22, The Gathering V, Pulaski, NY
19-22, Terrastock, Louisville, KY
20-21, Stonehenge Music Festival, Trout Run, PA
20-21, Honesdale Roots & Rhythm, Honesdale, PA

20-21, Peninsula Bluegrass Festival, Georgetown, DE
20-22, NEARfest, Bethlehem, PA
20-22, Sol Fest Art Farm, Kempton, PA
20-22, Wave Gathering, Asbury Park, NJ
20-22, Popped! Philadelphia Music Festival, Philadelphia, PA
21-22, Clearwater Festival, Croton-on-Hudson, NY
27-29, Jambaloosa Music and Arts Festival, Wampum, PA
26-29, Music in the Mountains Bluegrass Festival, Summersville, WV
28, Soundquilt/Farmquilt 2008, Strasburg, VA
28-29, Perigopalooza, Laughlintown, PA

28-29, Freihofer's Jazz Festival, Saratoga Springs, NY

JULY

3-6, OATS Bluegrass Festival, Benton, PA
4-6, Sterling Stage String Fling, Sterling, NY
4-6, Great Blue Heron Music Festival, Sherman, NY

5, Independence Jam, Morrisville, PA
5-6, Wine Down the Music Trail, Floyd, VA
10-13, Good Omens II Music Festival, Saratoga, NY

11-12, Remington Ryde Bluegrass Festival, Reedsville, PA

11-13, Basin Bluegrass Festival, Brandon, VT
12, Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival, Brooklyn, NY

17-20, Grey Fox Bluegrass Festival, Oak Hill, NY
17-20, Camp Bisco Seven, Mariaville, NY

17-20, Finger Lakes GrassRoots Festival of Music and Dance, Trumansburg, NY

18-20, Behold Scandinavia! Scandinavian Folk Fest, Jamestown, NY

19, Bucks County Blue Society Annual Picnic, Morrisville, NY
19, 9th Annual Comic Hoedown and Pigphest, Rocky Hill, NJ
19, Endless Mountains Blues Fest, Elmurst, PA
20-24, Festival of Contemporary Music, Tanglewood, Lenox, MA

24-27, Norwich Family Bluegrass Festival, Norwich, NY

24-27, Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, Hillsdale, NY

25-27, River Float Trip, Mexico, PA
25-27, Future Fest 2008, Berkshire County, MA
25-27, Endless Summer Jam Festival, Hammonton, NJ
27, Sakonnet Rhythm & Blues Festival, Little Compton, RI

31-8/3, Podunk Bluegrass Festival, East Hartford, CT

31-8/3, Pemi Valley Bluegrass Festival, West Campton, NH

31-8/3, Gathering of the Vibes, Bridgeport, CT

AUGUST
1-10, Musikfest, Bethlehem, PA
2, FarmJammaLamma, Brookville, PA

3, Bill Knowlton's Bluegrass Ramble Picnic, Little York, NY
3, Rock the Bells, Philadelphia, PA

7-9, Lil Margaret's Bluegrass Festival, Leonardtown, MD

8-10, Newport Jazz Festival, Newport, RI
8-10, Catskill Mountain Music Festival, Albany, NY
8-10, All Points West, Jersey City, NJ
9-10, Virgin Mobile Music Festival, Baltimore, MD

9, Bucks County Bluegrass Festival, Morrisville, NY

15-17, Music in the Mountains Hickory Fest, Wellsboro, PA

15-17, 47th Annual Philadelphia Folk Festival, Schwenksville, PA
15-17, Fireworks for Freedom, Paxinos, PA
15-17, 3rd Bears Picnic, West Milton, PA
16, Hot August Blues and Roots, Cockeysville, MD
16, ArcStock, Wampsville, NY
21-24, Pickin in the Pasture, Lodi, NY
22-24, Musefest, Ithaca, NY
22-24, Forestjam 2008, Campton, NH
22-24, Phan Phest 4.o, Morrisville, PA
22-24, Jambalaya Music Fest, Kempton, PA
23, Liberate Music and Arts Festival, Waitsfield, VT
23, Upstate Reggae on the River Eco Music Festival, Croton-on-Hudson, NY
25, Green Mountain Music Festival, Hardwick, VT
28-31, Wrench Wranch Bluegrass Roundup, Coventryville, NY

28-31, 30th Annual Thomas Point Beach Bluegrass Festival, Brunswick, ME

29-31, Delaware Valley Bluegrass Festival, Woodstown, NJ

29-31, AmeriServ Johnstown FolkFest, Johnstown, PA
29-31, Rhythm & Roots, Charlestown, RI

29-31, Jazz Festival, Tanglewood, Lenox, MA

SEPTEMBER
20-10/3, High Zero, Baltimore, MD

Aesthetics 101: Art Killed a Dog

2008-04-17T16:51:00.007-04:00

Art: why must you be so, so incredibly useless to all of our lives?

that's where it comes from

2008-04-16T21:42:00.006-04:00

me: petey (my dog) thinks he's your boyfriend.

my dad: no, he's my girlfriend... my princess... my best princess.

At Colonialism Music Project, Planned Encore Offends

2008-04-14T09:44:00.008-04:00

Last night's "Under African Skies" Paul Simon concert was an 80's-style multiculturalism fiesta of the highest order. Simon's brand of open appropriation has yielded perhaps my favorite album of all time, Rhythm of the Saints. I love the words Rhythm of the Saints. But there were moments when I couldn't rein in my cynicism and had to blog in my head.

As many have pointed out, don't be a ruiner! That's a good point. Basically Paul had a cadre of famous African and South American singers perform most of his songs, along with citizen of the world David Byrne. I mean it was glorious and I was like there is Paul Simon, all these words are in my head from his head. Luciana Souza's Can't Run But was one of the greatest things I've ever heard. But then also it was a little bit of like, man appropriates continent's music, man gets lauded for it, man invites other continent's stars to sing his words and add their own improvisations sometimes. This sometimes crossed the line into like denying other continents' creativity or something. And it felt weird when Cameroonian singer Kaissa belted out Simon's fantasy: "my race don't matter anymore."'

But if there is one thing that peeves me at a concert, it is the ubiquitous planned encore. Obviously I don't blame Paul for this. But it's not like we're all sitting there nervously, like, oh he's realllllly gonna skip Graceland. Down with the planned encore! And then no one wants to cheer for a second spontaneous encore where you don't know what they're gonna play. Probably they do at the Ratdog concert. The Beacon was la marcha that night!

They All Want Cake

2008-04-12T22:33:00.006-04:00

Sometimes your social servitude has benefits: charity benefits hosted by Jon Stewart. PUN!

Sunday night at 8 on Comedy Central. Watch it.

You might even see a familiar face. Okay, okay I wont make you guess- me! God, I hope I made the cut so that Stephen will know how much I get the joke.

I'm no gemologist, but this sure is a gem

2008-04-10T15:39:00.004-04:00

Hat tip to the good folks over at The Plank for this little treasure.

The LifeGem® is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another.

That's right. If your loved one, or loved pet as the case may be, kicks it, you can now turn his/her ashes into some serious bling to remember him/her by.

Recipe Facts

2008-04-08T22:24:00.009-04:00

I want to share with you some culinary tales from the crypt. I mean kitchen.

One is Marcella Hazan's butter tomato sauce. Marcella Hazan is like the Jim Henson of Italian cooking. Just as in, she is cool.

All you do is take a big can of tomatoes (they could say san marzano on them, that is the good kind), an onion that you don't even chop (just peel) and most of a stick of butter (sometimes I add an extra chunk) and put them in a saucepan at the same time and simmer it on low for 45 minutes or so. I swear to you it is the peak of deliciousness. It's like that IKB79 painting of all the prettiest color blue but for flavor. And it requires no effort, so it is great if you are tired or freaked out.

That sauce gave me the theory that best pizza uses a butter-based rather than oil-based "marinara."

The other recipe I made up, and it is for when you want a fresh tasting pasta but you don't really have anything fresh.
Olive oil on med and toast a bunch of bread crumbs in it in a skillet. Put them aside and add some capers to the oil and maybe some garlic and cook it for a bit and then at the very end lemon juice. Throw it all together with the crumbs on the pasta, i recommend bucatini or thin spaghetti, and parm or even better romano it up.

Interviewing for Jobs

2008-04-07T22:17:00.001-04:00

If you are a woman and you think you might be forgetting who you are, you should go on jobs interviews. People that have interviewed me in the past couple months have made some notable comments that really put my in my place.

“It’ll be like we’re married.” (man)

“If you have a boyfriend, he’ll probably hate you.” (woman)

“My Latvian trainer is really attractive. Are you into women or men?” (man)

“You’ll be grin-fucking these guys.” (man)

“We definitely take time out of the day to gossip about Brad and Angelina” (woman)

“You look gorgeous.” (woman)

“She said you’re qualified and capable, but they’re looking for the cheerleader type. And, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change your personality.” (woman)

2008-04-04T17:04:00.004-04:00

"Now, let me say as I move to my conclusion that we've got to give ourselves to this struggle until the end. Nothing would be more tragic than to stop at this point, in Memphis. We've got to see it through. And when we have our march, you need to be there. Be concerned about your brother. You may not be on strike. But either we go up together, or we go down together.

Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness."

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Behind the Crass Action

2008-04-04T11:34:00.015-04:00

I saw Mel Weiss only a few times as an intern in his empire. If you didn't know his face, the MIW embroidered by his breast pocket gave him away. We lower-downs whispered about his collection of Picassos, but the few times I heard him speak it was clear he was also dead-set on fighting for the little guy. He really was doing that--making sure Firestone knew that if their tires blew up they'd have to pay, fighting Wal-Mart's refusal to pay birth control healthcare costs, winning reparations for Holocaust survivors. He and his ex-partner and firm have been eaten alive by the California AG for a kickback scheme that obviously sucks, but as the Slate article (courtesy of RJR) I just linked to reminds us, the deck was stacked against anyone doing what Milberg Weiss did.

And that was: they invented a way to hold corporations accountable.

Like aid expats who siphoned away UNICEF's coffers on the parties they felt they deserved for roughing it, like labor union employees who fritter away the hours working on their blogs, people who have worked hard and fight the mountain often feel like after a while we deserve a break, to cut a corner. Maybe we think that if we do burn out, no one will take our place, so it's better than nothing. In most cases, someone fresh and uncorrupted probably would crop right up. But will that happen for the titan that was Milberg?

I hope the alleged corruption at Milberg Weiss doesn't mean the death of the powerful class action lawsuit. Would a President Obama would not be carrying the torch?

Censorship Alert!

2008-04-03T14:37:00.009-04:00

I went to buy the play My Name is Rachel Corrie at the Drama Bookshop in New York and they declared that they do not carry it! The way the guy said it, it was clear its absence was quite intentional, no result of lagging sales. They referred me to the publisher's office around the corner, where I picked it up. Also, Samuel French, the other major play purveyor in NY, does seem to carry it.

For those who don't know the history, the play was put up by Alan Rickman in London and it was supposed to come to New York, but was "postponed indefinitely" for having to do with Palestine.

Oy, my people! I love you but get a grip!

Bad Salad Happened

2008-04-02T11:51:00.006-04:00

We need a word for when you totally go against your instincts picking salad ingredients.

Land of the thousand-petal lotus flower

2008-04-01T12:19:00.004-04:00

"A mind-boggling Jersey creation called the italian hot dog at Tommy's Italian Sausage and Hot Dog. Deep-fried franks, onions, peppers, and potatoes are stuffed into an enormous roll made from pizza dough." Excerpt from New York Times slide show that can be found in the article entitled "United Plates of New Jersey", which was recently featured in the escapes section of the paper. The article is about all the wonderful restaurants found along the New Jersey Turnpike and can be found by clicking on this link: http://travel.nytimes.com/2008/03/28/travel/escapes/28turnpike.html?em&ex=1207195200&en=de3ef6be5f21ee20&ei=5087%0A

The article is hardly exhaustive. Asian restaurants, (does the Indian restaurant count? In which case I mean to say East Asian) are not represented at all in this article. Overlooked is the delicious Korean establishment - Soft Tofu Restaurant in Fort Lee, Nj. It was featured on an episode of Anthony Bourdains tv show where he romps around New Jersey, tasting all the thousand-petal lotus flower state has to offer. (Although the whole Sopranos segment was really stupid, but once that was done away with the show was pretty terrific, although not really because I have some issues with it as you will soon discover.)

Also featured on the show was a great NJ establishment - Baumgarts (You might ask yourself which Baumgarts, as there are now three in existence - in Edgewater, Ridgewood, and Englewood - and it was the one in Englewood, which is the original Baumgarts and the best Baumgarts.

However, I curse the show for its inclusion of Hiram's hotdogs (Fuck you Hiram's) which Bourdain claims to be the best in New Jersey. Everyone knows Callahan's had better hotdogs, but they were closed to make way for a bank (Fuck you bank). Supposedly there is another Callahan's in Little Ferry, NJ. Can anyone verify its existence and that the quality of the hotdogs there are the same as the original Callahan's in Fort Lee?

If you drive down Palisades Avenue you will notice that there already is a bank opposite where Callahan's used to be. Why another one was needed - I don't know. (In full disclosure I was drafted by Callahan's baseball team in 1993, although I was quickly traded to the Exxon gas station's team.)

I invite everyone to to add there favorite New Jersey restaurants on the comments section below. Then we will make a big list, because everyone likes lists and then we can vote on which is the best, because everyone likes voting too.