PEARR - Blog

V-Day

2008-01-27T20:58:00.000-05:00

The month of February, upon its arrival, brings about a sudden surge of chocolate, flowers, and hearts. This February, in particular, in addition to celebrating all things Valentine, marks the tenth anniversary of V-day. V-day is an international movement whose mission is to stop violence again women, and its website recites, “V is for Victory, Valentine, and Vagina.”

V-day began with the creation and performance of the “Vagina Monologues,” by Eve Ensler. What started as a local production has turned into a global movement in just a decade. Its message has resonated because, although it certainly highlights the horrors that women continue to suffer, it also serves to empower everyone. Time will only tell whether violence against women will truly ever be eradicated. Yet in the process, this organization has managed to find a common thread among humanity….the desire for self respect and the necessity of safety, safety in one’s body, in one’s community, in one’s world.

This is the second year of PEARR’s existence. We certainly don’t need to reinvent the wheel, but we would like to be a catalyst, a source of motivation, or maybe even just a local outlet for which to weave that common thread. We are still excited about our mission. We would probably be even more excited if there was no need for organizations like Women in Distress or V-day, because as V-Day proclaims in its own mission, the day that women don’t fear violence is a day to rename Valentine’s Day as “Victory Over Violence Day.”

Yet as Superbowl Sunday approaches, anecdotally, we can expect batterers to hit, punch, and berate much more than almost any other night of the year. So our mission continues and we cannot yet call February 14th a day of victory. But for every woman who survives, every child who is safe, and every person who is a little more aware, maybe we will have won another battle.

We share this information about V-day so that we can share with you the great company that we all keep. Please let us know that you still share this mission and let us know your thoughts about PEARR, about the month of February, about this blog. We will gladly keep sharing our thoughts and even our rants so long as we know that our words aren’t falling on deaf ears, so to speak. If nothing else, please just send us a comment to let us know you are with us on the battle lines.

Happy Valentine’s Day

New Year's Resolution

2007-12-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

It's a new year and with the many resolutions that accompany every January, we invite you to add one more to your list. If we can't eradicate domestic violence, at least we can pledge to lessen it. About two weeks ago, the Sun Sentinal published an article about the rising number of female homicides in South Florida,specifically categorized as domestic violence murders. The most upsetting part about the number of victims, as if one murdered woman isn't enough for us to shake our heads in grief and despair, is that those numbers are created from the specific legal definition of "domestic violence." That is, each one of those women either had a child in common with her killer or lived with her killer for six months or more. The women listed in that article, whom we mourn as we vow to never to let happen to another woman, do not include those who lost their lives to estranged husbands or boyfriends, not within the parameters set out above.

Those of you who read this blog or who volunteer for Women in Distress, give time, money, and other resources in the name of domestic violence. Essentially, we are preaching to the choir, speaking to a group of people who know the importance of raising awareness and ending domestic violence. But for all of our work, why are the numbers still so high? Why are women still dying at the hands of those who supposedly "love" them?" What are we doing wrong - or maybe, not doing enough of?Is there no deterrent to the abusers?

Consider that a hit, punch, even a stab, may result in a relative inconvenience to an abuser who may have to attend a few court dates and maybe a few anger management classes. That certainly doesn't teach them any sort of lesson. The abuse just escalates with little accountability until it is front page news and finally, finally the abuser is held in Broward County Jail without a bond..meaning his wife or mother of his child is lying silently in a pine box.

We know the statistics and we know all of the reasons why women who experience domestic violence go back to their abusers. Obviously, it is the abuser's fault each and every time, no matter how much forgiveness is bestowed upon him. It is he who chooses to throw a punch, wield a knife, shoot a gun. So how do we stop him - even in the midst of the cycle of violence. According to the news, our efforts aren't working - or maybe they are, and the numbers would be higher if not for Women in Distress and other similar organizations. Either way, the numbers are still too high. This is the kind of job security that shelters, victim advocates, and law enforcement do not need.

So as part of your New Year's Resolution, what can we all do to lower that awful number in 2008, because so far, it does not seem so good.

Are We Really Growing Awareness?

2007-11-04T18:38:00.000-05:00

Our apologies that we did not have a blog entry for the month of October, ironically, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Now that October has come and gone, we invite you to share your thoughts, observations, and activities for the month. Tell us how you participated in raising awareness.

Women in Distress hosted a series of events including a Candlelight Vigil, in memory of those who lost their lives to domestic violence during this past year. It was a moving ceremony held on the front steps of the Main Library in downtown Fort Lauderdale. Survivors, families of the remembered, law enforcement, prosecutors, victim advocates, and WID volunteers were all in attendance. It was scheduled for 6pm on a predictably humid October evening in the middle of the work week, a seemingly accommodating day and time for the average community member to come and show his or her support.

So then why did it appear that this vigil was one which was already preaching to the choir? To be sure, the vigil was both sad and inspiring, hopeful and heartbreaking – and those in attendance were clearly dedicated to the eradication of domestic violence and all that it entails. But that’s just the point. These participants are committed and have been committed for years. They are aware and enlightened. They know full well that this vigil is a necessary evil of sorts, one whose very existence sadly marks another year of murder and devastating loss.

The question becomes how can we literally expand awareness into the community, so that people who happen to be driving by will stop and listen…so that professionals who work in the nearby office buildings make it their business to walk over to the library for twenty minutes before heading home.

We all work so hard to raise awareness. We want victims to know that it’s okay to walk away. We want abusers to know that it’s not okay to scream, hit, murder. We want everyone to know that domestic violence is not endemic to a specific population, but cuts across race, gender, and socio-economic class. But is it really working? One of our members shared with us the following story. She recently went to visit her family in an affluent neighborhood in the Northeast. Her mother told her that their synagogue recently hired a new director, a thirty-something woman with two young children. Shortly after she began working, the director and her husband went through an acrimonious divorce. Ultimately, the director had to get a restraining order against her estranged husband. Our member told us that her mother expressed that the community was shocked that this was occurring in their collective backyards. This PEARR member/WID volunteer who had shared her involvement in issues involving violence against women with her family for years, was shocked by her mother’s shock. It’s one thing to be upset or even horrified by and for what this woman must endure – but shock? Domestic violence is pervasive. Have we not made that clear enough? Had she not made that clear to her mother after all of these years? Are we doing something wrong?

Ironically, this blog entry itself is just another example of preaching to the choir. Most of you are reading this because you are already committed. So we encourage you to share it with those who may need to be “converted.” By doing so, please share our hope for next year – that there not be a need for a vigil, but if there is, it’s one that says one murder is one too many, with so many voices saying so that we create a traffic jam in downtown Fort Lauderdale.

A Killer's Confession - Too Little Too Late

2007-09-02T14:40:00.000-04:00

Domestic Violence is not another amorphous social injustice. It has a face, whether it be the face of the person sleeping next to you or the face of the person living next door to you. Of course, the most famous face of domestic violence is that of O.J. Simpson. We must admit that it gives us a little twinge of angst to even utter his name in the forum, where he so appropriately belongs. And that brings us to the crux of this blog entry. How much “face-time” does O.J. deserve in the raging battle against domestic violence?

Denise Brown is the sister of Nicole Brown, former wife of the infamous murderer, who succumbed to domestic violence at its most extreme form. How ironic it is that so many of us refer to him as a murderer, fully knowing that he was acquitted of double homicide. This is just another reminder that “not guilty” is not synonymous with “innocent.” But we digress…Denise Brown is scheduled to be the keynote speaker at WID’s annual gala. She has been in the news most recently opposing the publication of O.J.’s tell-all book. We want to know your thoughts about this.

The Goldman family, having been granted rights to the book, has decided to publish O.J.’s book, If I Did It. Their position is that this is an opportunity to show a murderer for who he is, to put a “face” on those hideous actions. At the same time, they also hope to reveal the heroics of Ron Goldman, as he stayed in the house with Nicole in an effort to help her, rather than leave and theoretically, stave off impending death.

On the other hand, Denise Brown has been adamantly opposed to the book’s publication, fiercely arguing that there is no need to make their children relive the horrors that their father inflicted upon their mother. She further contends that publishing this book is tantamount to providing a “How To” manual for committing murder. It gives O.J. a forum to broadcast his deeds without repercussion to a world who, for the most part, already knows he did it.

With whom do you agree? The Goldman family has said that this will give readers an opportunity “to decide for themselves” whether O.J. did it. But after more than a decade after these murders, are people really on the fence? Even if there are some “undecideds” out there, does it really matter what they think? Realistically, the only opinions that mattered were those of the jurors at the time of the verdict, and we can see how that turned out. Now the defendant can declare his guilt and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. But maybe that declaration of guilt offers some kind of vindication for the Goldman family. After all of these years of grief and anger, despite the jury’s acquittal, their son’s killer is finally admitting that he did it and they want the world to hear it.

But is it worth making all the world a stage for a person who has already gotten away with murder? As Denise herself has said, the majority of us knows that O.J. murdered Nicole and Ron. In fact, many knew while watching the infamous Ford Bronco chase. After all, nothing reveals a guilty conscience like fleeing from the police who are searching for the murderer of your children’s mother. Publishing this book is akin to etching his confession into stone and there is nothing anyone can do about it. It’s like continuously pouring salt into an open wound that will never heal. Is allowing O.J. the last laugh worth everything the Goldmans hope it symbolizes?

Along the same lines, there once was a young man on trial for armed burglary of a pawn shop. His fingerprints were found inside the pawn shop, but explained away because he had been a customer there. The stolen guns were found inside his bedroom. His grandmother, begrudgingly told the jury that her grandson explained to her that he "got" them at a pawn shop. But she was painted as a liar when she admitted that in the past, she had reported her grandson for beating her (thereby somehow showing she would have a motive to make up his admission about the guns). Despite other damning evidence, the jury, never knowing about his prior armed burglaries or robberies as a juvenile, or the various other pawn shop burglaries of which he was suspected, acquitted him. After the verdict was read and the jury filed out, the defendant turned to the already disgusted prosecutors, and announced, “Now I can say I’m guilty and there’s nothing you can do about it.” He was right. What were those prosecutors to do? Run after the jury and tell them about the bad guy’s announcement? They would find out soon enough of their mistake when he did it again. Call the victim and tell him of the defendant’s announcement? That just seemed to make it worse, as he had already gotten away with it.

This young armed burglar took a page out of O.J.’s book, so to speak. What good does it do? Make us sick to our stomachs, bitter at double jeopardy, remind us that sometimes there isn’t justice? Or is this the Goldman family’s way of finally getting justice?

As always, what do you think?

How Far Would You Go?

2007-08-05T18:07:00.000-04:00

This blog is for you, our readers, and to those with whom you share these entries. We all seem to agree that it is certainly a step in the right direction to discuss dating and domestic violence. We are acknowledging its existence, rallying support for hopeful eradication, and creating awareness among law enforcement and our legislature. But is it enough that we talk about it? We can type blogs and comments until our fingers are numb and march on Washington until our legs and throats are sore, but does that really help our friend next door?

As one reader wrote, what kind of person is each of us? Do we pass a car crash and assume someone else will dial 911? Do we not only dial 911, but do we also pull our own car over to the side of the road and get out to help? You tell us…how far does our obligation extend? Is it not part and parcel of being a good citizen, a decent human being, to offer tangible help to someone in need? We are not talking about charitable donations toward those suffering in Darfur (although that, of course, has its own merit), but rather helping that person in the mangled car, sitting right there on the shoulder to your left.

In keeping with this driving analogy, it is all too common for our parents and grandparents to grow old and continue to drive, not because they can, but because the DHSMV allows them to do so. Inevitably, there will be a battle to take their keys away. Maybe it won’t be a big battle and they will humbly succumb. More likely, there will first be a few fender-benders followed by an argument in which a person’s coveted independence is measured against the worse-case scenario of death and serious bodily injury to some innocent, unsuspecting driver on the road. In the end, independence will be sacrificed for the greater good, and if that means some intra-familial hatred, then so be it.

So then here’s the question…If we are willing to argue with or to be hated by our loved ones for trying to keep them safe when it comes to something like driving, why are we not willing to do it for an aunt, friend, sister, or mother in an abusive relationship? All too often, we find ourselves saying that what happens in her home, in her bed, is her business and we have no place there. But is that really true? If there are children in that household, are they any different than an innocent driver who falls victim to grandpa’s deteriorating driving skills?

If we do intervene and step up and say something, how far do we go and what specifically should we do? After a few bruised arms and bloody lips, maybe we should take it upon ourselves to call the police, rather than just offering a shoulder to lean on or an ice pack. Think about it, after a few fender-benders, we don’t usually brush it aside as minor accidents, we make it our business to take the keys away, because the argument today is well worth the investment of a safe tomorrow.

Consider the tragedy that occurred a few weeks ago when a young woman was murdered in Miramar. She was missing for about a week when her body was found in the trunk of her car in the parking garage of MIA. Ultimately, her ex-boyfriend, the father of two of her children, confessed to murdering her. It has been all over the news, but was never labeled “domestic violence.” Of course, that’s exactly what it was - and had been in the past as illustrated by the restraining order that she had against him.

Like so many survivors of domestic violence, even after the first police report is made or the first TRO application filed, there was some indication that this woman may have willingly had contact with her abuser. Just like others in similar situations, it may have been for the sake of the children or because of promises to change. Whatever the reason, this contact doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Someone knows. Someone sees it.

So if we see it or know about it…whether it was this mother in Miramar or our friend down the street, when is it our obligation to pull over and run toward the mangled car? What can we do to help the person in that awful crash? Do we call 911 when no one else will – and risk being hated or ostracized by our friends or family. Weigh in and tell us what you think. What is our obligation and how far should we go? Can you really take the keys away from your sister when you see her about to crash?

Independence Day

2007-07-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

In her most recent novel, Nineteen Minutes, author Jodi Picoult writes about a fictitious high school shooting. In the wake of the Virginia Tech Massacre, the subject matter seemed especially disconcerting. Without giving too much away to those who might still want to read it, the shooter is a 17 year old boy who has been tortured, tormented, and bullied since his first day of Kindergarten. He has endured this almost unimaginable cruelty at the hands of the “popular crowd,” who admittedly committed these acts so as to secure their own status. After all, survival of the fittest only applies when there are degradations of strength.

Ultimately, the hunted becomes the hunter and the popular crowd falls prey to this “loser,” armed with an arsenal of guns and a lifetime of misery. The book flip-flops between past and present to illustrate both how cruel these victims had been to the shooter and how horrific the shooting and its aftermath continue to be. Part of the aftermath includes the trial of the shooter and the events leading up to it. Ultimately, his defense, at first portrayed as something of a stretch, is akin to that employed by a battered wife who stabs her abusive husband in his sleep. Although not an immediate threat to her well-being, the idea is that after years of abuse, she now perceives him as a constant threat and was acting in a sort of self defense.

If post-traumatic stress disorder is a defense for a battered woman who fights back, then maybe there is some merit to applying this theory to the bullied shooter in this novel. Even though it’s not a justification, maybe it’s an explanation. Obviously, even the most horrific bullies don’t deserve to get massacred, but yet can we say the same thing about those incessant battering boyfriends and husbands?

While the author makes the shooting analogous to battered spouse syndrome, one of the other characters – a popular girl who survived - is experiencing dating violence at the hands of her boyfriend – a popular boy who didn’t survive. Of course, it isn’t labeled violence, because the girl loves her boyfriend and is seemingly grief-stricken upon his murder. But descriptions of their relationship, while full of affection and envious glances from friends, are laced with controlling actions and bruises. As they are still children, the underlying question remains, could or should the school have known…about the shooter, about the bullies in all of their incantations? Should their parents have known? How about this girl’s mother, an independent, highly educated woman…shouldn’t she have known?

Are there not resources available to stop something before it becomes so horrific? Among school age children, as in this book, the bullies and the batterers may be one and the same. They are securing their status on the playground and within their relationships. It’s sometimes inconceivable how these “bad guys” can just as easily switch roles when their “victims” decide to regain some kind of control. At what point do we sanction the behavior to regain control? Maybe it is the role of the parents and teachers to do something, but what about after?

The batterer and their victims are then all grown up and living next door. What resources are available to that victim? Social workers? Police? Prosecutors? These people are willing to fight. You can see that much on Law and Order. But what happens when the victim doesn’t want to go forward, screaming at the prosecutor that she loves her batterer and no one can make her do what she doesn’t want to do (except of course, her husband)? Is that okay? Would you yell at a crossing guard just because she’s trying to help you get across the street safely? But we understand the cycle of violence and although it may be frustrating, ultimately you cannot help those who don’t want help. So you let it go…and the bad guy does it again and again and again – and then one day, when enough is enough, in his sleep, he ends up with a bullet in his brain…and his wife is left holding the smoking gun.

The wife, the dead bad guy, the police, the prosecutor, the social worker who wanted to help her, his parents, her parents, teachers who saw him bullying in grade school…

Who’s responsible?

growing awareness II

2007-04-29T21:18:00.000-04:00

On behalf of the Executive Council of PEARR, we thank you for reading the first blog entry, and to those of you who commented on it, disagreed with it, or merely thought about it, we applaud you. It is our hope that discussion will lead to action, and collective action, dare we say, could even lead to the eradication of dating and domestic violence. But how do we do that…really, how do we do that? We already discussed the power of words, and maybe that’s a good beginning and we are on the right track. But how do we spread the “word” that the mark of domestic violence can be a shattered soul just as much as it can be a fractured arm? How do we “grow awareness” and literally, make people understand that this is not an epidemic endemic to those in trailer parks, crack houses, and the lowest tax bracket?

We all have read the statistics, but we suggest that where words may just be letters on a page, statistics may be just numbers unless we really internalize what they mean. Intellectually, we all know that domestic violence is pervasive and afflicts our best friends, neighbors, and colleagues. But when we find out our friend has been brutalized or maybe just told she is worthless one too many times by her “adoring” partner (because qualifying that phrase with the word “just,” illustrates the marginalization of the effect of the spoken word), somehow we are surprised or shocked. The issue may not be so much as to whether we should be surprised, as that’s probably human nature. Rather, we need to qualify our surprise. Are we surprised that our best friend, who we know so well, could be keeping this horror from us – or, are we surprised that such horror could enter our lives, our sanctuary and we be completely ignorant to its existence?

To that end, we offer an example brought up by one of our readers. The Virginia Tech murders, very rightly shocked everyone, as it was the greatest shooting massacre in American history. But as our reader points out, when discussing the tragedy with her college-aged son, she learned it wasn’t being discussed among his friends. Is that because tragedy has become so common that we have grown to accept it…or is it that, just as in the case of domestic violence, it’s much easier to see it as a horror elsewhere, rather than in our own backyard (even though our intellect tells us that it can happen on any college campus, in any relationship)?

Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. If we see the violence as happening to someone else, far away from our safe haven, then maybe we can convince ourselves that we are immune. But truth be told, that is the easy way out, and ultimately, what may seem like a quick fix for our own psyche is probably the ultimate act of selfish toward victims everywhere. After all, doesn’t the “it can’t happen to me” attitude necessarily place blame on those to whom it did happen?

And consider this, have we all fallen victim to a culture that, for all intents and purposes, segregates and quiets victims? The week of April 23rd was Victims’ Rights Week, but there was barely a scintilla of publicity found. Rather, President Bush danced on television on National Malaria Awareness Day in an effort to eradicate malaria. While the malaria epidemic in Africa may very well be a cause worth our attention, does its place in the spotlight necessarily cast Victims’ Rights in the shadow? Maybe, and arguably even worse, it was never a question of one over the other, but rather publicity for victims’ rights was never even considered.
So now, it our effort to grow awareness, we think it is time to take the path less comfortable, and face the reality that domestic and dating violence does victimize our friends, colleagues, neighbors, and even us. So, we ask you…how do we take that path? How do we stop “blaming the victim,” accept the problem, effectuate change, and protect ourselves?

Growing Awareness...

2007-01-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

In an effort to complete our mission, deeming nothing impossible with infinite idealism and the World Wide Web at our fingertips, we decided that it was time to get a little bit more descriptive. Literary logos and melodic objectives are essential, as they provide framework and often times, inspiration. But those musings are sometimes just that…words. We are, by no means, knocking the power of the written word, because we intend to use that power right now, creating an undercurrent, or dare we even suggest, a storm of conversation leading to action. Yet, it is the word without the act that sometimes renders the former useless. Feel free to challenge that statement. In fact, we invite you to respond because then we will have a conversation, the beginning of action.

It is in fact ironic that here, in an auxiliary devoted to preventing relationship violence that we are calling into the question the consequences of words. Are we not evoking the lessons learned from “sticks and stones?” Before we go any further into the importance of actions, we must first ask, can words truly never harm us? After all, we can probably each recall a moment in time when we experienced the sting of the spoken word, the stab of an expletive. Why then did our parents teach us that infamous response about stones and sticks when faced with a barrage of nasty words?

We suggest that their purpose was not to toughen us up or improve our rhyming skills, because tough or fragile, sometimes words really do hurt. Rather, the purpose of that response was and continues to be, a way to diffuse a situation that would likely escalate to violence. Fighting words lead to fights.

This is not a comment on free speech, as we are exercising that right, right now. This is a comment on the words used between people in relationships, whether that relationship is in the schoolyard, in a dorm room, or in the bedroom next to the baby’s playroom. We mention schoolyard in particular because that goes to the education component of our mission. So much of dating and domestic violence finds its roots in the relationships among school-age children.

We are not being so unrealistic as to say that fights among children and adults alike will not happen. It’s human nature to not only disagree, but to argue. People argue with their significant others. They yell, pout, get frustrated. But there’s a difference between arguing with someone and degrading someone. There’s that moment when respect, if there ever was any, dissolves into control. And if all of the education in the world can’t teach someone to have respect in relationships, then maybe it’s time to remind the person on the receiving end of the hurtful words, to employ the lesson of sticks and stones. It really is okay to turn around and walk away. It’s okay to run away screaming. Just because the bruises are not immediately visible does not mean it’s any less painful or humiliating than a punch to the jaw. Those horrible words are an example of domestic violence. It’s not the headline grabber of “Man guilty of killing of ex-girlfriend,” that we see too often in our local newspapers, but let’s make it our “mission” to not let it get that far – because it all too often does get that far.

There is a lot of power in the word, both written and spoken. We need to wield the power for positive action rather than watch as the words escalate into acts of violence. We welcome your comments, your suggestions, your help.